Feb. 24, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:13:25
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're back. | ||
| It was a mess, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We tried to come back online. | ||
| I was trying to put up an image of me and David Lee Roth, and what the fuck ever, Firefox crashed on me. | ||
| But I was trying to show you the bah face. | ||
| We're all back, right? | ||
| Everything's good? | ||
| I'm gonna try to unload it through here. | ||
| Flickr also has a nice desktop loader you should download sometime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You just drag it to it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I'll get that shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Put the picture up right now. | ||
| I think today is the last day of Firefox. | ||
| Firefox can suck it. | ||
| It's gotten bad lately. | ||
| I've noticed Chrome's been really good. | ||
| Yeah, I've been crashing a fucking lot with Firefox. | ||
| Like, a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I stopped using it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're back, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| And it's saved, though. | ||
| So if you are just coming in now, the first hour and a half is already saved. | ||
| Oh, that's annoying, right? | ||
| It's better if I have a white thing on my screen because it acts as a light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| Oh, look. | ||
| There's a light on. | ||
| But it's not a light. | ||
| It's just a little window I open. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I'm so clever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| If you've got a light behind your monitor, it actually eases your eyes and puts less strain on your eyes. | ||
| Listen to you, Dr. Phil. | ||
| Dr. Oz. | ||
| Dr. Oz is a real doctor, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Dr. Phil? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Firefox does blow. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| We're using Safari right now. | ||
| All you fucking silly cunts. | ||
| All these fucking Mac guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a PC! That Mac garbage! | |
| Oh, it's the same guy. | ||
| Over and over again. | ||
| NNICOFAN2009. You are dumb. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You're dumb. | ||
| You're a dumb person. | ||
| This whole Mac versus PC thing. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| And you're telling me that PCs are somehow or another better than Macs? | ||
| Guess what, douchebag? | ||
| PCs get viruses, Macs don't. | ||
| It's that, but there are viruses! | ||
| They've written viruses! | ||
| You bring me one dude who's ever had a virus on his fucking Mac. | ||
| One. | ||
| I know everyone I know who's had a PC, except Voodoo Chicken. | ||
| He claims to have never gotten a virus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lie. | |
| I think that's a lie. | ||
| Everybody gets viruses on PCs. | ||
| Just that alone, it's better to get a Mac. | ||
| Second of all, Macs don't fucking crash nearly as much. | ||
| This wasn't a Mac problem. | ||
| This was a Firefox problem. | ||
| Everything else on the computer worked fine. | ||
| That's why I was able to reboot. | ||
| Faggot! | ||
| Listen, stop worrying about Mac versus PC. | ||
| It's just a goddamn operating system. | ||
| It's like the Republicans versus the Democrats. | ||
| Most of the people on one side or the other are just on a fucking team, and their simple little brains are stuck on that team. | ||
| They might not even agree with half the shit the Republicans say, but they support them and even say, well, we've got to support our team. | ||
| I don't agree with what they're doing right now. | ||
| But what's important is that we support them and we push forward and we get a Republican in office in 2012. They're just the Washington Redskins versus the fucking Miami Dolphins. | ||
| That's all that shit is. | ||
| It's teams. | ||
| It's just like, Boston versus Philly. | ||
| Philly sucks! | ||
| Boston rules! | ||
| That's the same moronic bullshit. | ||
| There is no fucking Philly. | ||
| There is no Boston. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| You're a dummy. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Where was I? Anyway. | ||
| Did you upload that photo? | ||
| Of course I did. | ||
| It's not on there. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh! | ||
| I swear to God, I pressed that thing. | ||
| They all saw it. | ||
| That thing with the thing! | ||
| Look how quick it is, though. | ||
| Oh, it's so beautiful. | ||
| They just told me that they're upgrading my download speed to, like, 30 megs next month. | ||
| Oh, my Jesus! | ||
| It's like, thanks! | ||
| I don't even have 20. I have, like, I think 16 or 18. 18, it said. | ||
| Last time it said 18. | ||
| Alright, I got the picture of David Lee Roth. | ||
|
unidentified
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Cool now. | |
| That's great. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
uh, That's hilarious. | |
| Alright, this is what caused all the fucking trouble, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| A goddamn picture of me and David Lee Roth. | ||
| But it was just to prove that Brian has been making this crazy boff face for... | ||
| Years, because this picture of Davey Lee Roth was like, what was that, like from 2005? | ||
| It's like three or four years ago. | ||
| It was before we got banned from the Comedy, or that whole Comedy Store thing. | ||
| Yeah, because it was at the Comedy Store. | ||
| So that's 2006, maybe? | ||
| It was right before he got back together with Van Halen, before they announced that they were going to get back together. | ||
| He was telling us about it there though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Alright, I just put it on my little Twitter. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And then you see Brian in the background making that crazy face. | ||
| He did that. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Fucking hundreds of thousands of times. | ||
| That was a long odyssey just to get one picture put up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It really wasn't worth it. | ||
| Epic fail. | ||
| Indeed. | ||
| Indeed. | ||
| Always talking about that Ann O'Keefe and that fella. | ||
| Try out chat roulette. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I would think about doing that, but I don't want to see any dudes cocks randomly. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I tried it out. | ||
| I put... | ||
| I found this... | ||
| Somebody already did this before, but I found this big black chick, and I put her on loop, and then... | ||
| Check it out? | ||
| Did it just and recorded the screen and stuff, but it was like maybe 90% Cox. | ||
| It's not even funny. | ||
| It's really sad that there's so many creepy people out there. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| It's dudes that want to show their dicks at work and they just never get the opportunity. | ||
| But they get at home and they're wearing a fucking wrestling mask and they go crazy. | ||
| And it's just oppression, man. | ||
| It's like Catholic school girls. | ||
| Remember Catholic school girls when you were a kid? | ||
| They were always the biggest sluts, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they never seen a dick. | ||
| They're whisked away to some fucking magical place where only girls exist. | ||
| They have all-girl teachers and shit, and they're told that dicks are evil, and they just can't wait to suck one. | ||
| They can't wait. | ||
| Those bitches can't wait. | ||
| They can't wait to get a dick in their mouth. | ||
| They just want to do the forbidden thing, you know? | ||
| They can't suppress human beings, man. | ||
| I would like to do it with maybe like a five-year-old girl on loop just sitting there going like this, you know, like that, and see if any of these guys with the... | ||
| Dicks, if they put it away, or if they sit there. | ||
| No, they would fucking love it, man. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Well, we can record them and put them on YouTube. | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| If we get a fake loop of a girl. | ||
| Just a little kid just sitting there going, like she's looking at the monitor, and see if the guy immediately disconnects, or if he sits there an extra couple seconds. | ||
| Well, how does it work? | ||
| Do they pull their dicks out immediately, as soon as you log in? | ||
| Yeah, what it is, it just automatically puts you in with a room with another person, both on webcam. | ||
| And do they have their dick out When I was doing it, it was just guys stroking it. | ||
| So right when you went in there, you're like... | ||
| Okay, so that's what you should do. | ||
| We should get a video of a five or six-year-old girl just freaking the fuck out from the beginning. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it would only work on the guys that had already beaten off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because otherwise we'd have to time it. | ||
| Time it normally and then go, oh my god! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and have her scream, call the police! | ||
| Call the police! | ||
| We didn't even have to do it. | ||
| We just had the girl go, You know, that kind of like, no, better just call him this. | ||
| Let's freak this motherfucker out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, because they can catch you. | ||
| The freaky weird dudes are mostly straight... | ||
| Gay get sex all the time. | ||
| We are less repressed. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Everyone's fucked up. | ||
| Don't you tell me that gays are less repressed. | ||
| Of course you're more repressed. | ||
| Society represses gay sex. | ||
| Gays are just as fucked up as religion repressing straight sex. | ||
| And a lot of gays grow up in religious households, too. | ||
| And that makes them extra fucked up. | ||
| It's not like a coincidence that gay people do so much crystal meth and there's so many gay people that love to party and their lives become a wreck and they fucking torch their immune system. | ||
| Gay people, there's a lot of crazy fucking gay people. | ||
| And not repressed doesn't always mean that you're not fucked up. | ||
| I mean, how about bug chasers? | ||
| How about gay dudes that are purposely trying to get AIDS? You know that? | ||
| Gay dudes who purposely try to get HIV, they want to get it. | ||
| They think there's something hot about it, and so they go and have unprotected sex on purpose, hoping to get HIV. That's fucked up. | ||
| You know, you can't say that gay people are less fucked up sexually than straight people. | ||
| Everyone's fucked. | ||
| Humans across the board, universally, are fucked up. | ||
| It's just way too difficult to come out and have your shit together. | ||
| I mean, how many people, like, really have their shit together? | ||
| If you had to guess, the numbers. | ||
| I don't think anyone really has their shit together. | ||
| No, but I mean, have your shit together to a point where, you know, like, oh, he's not doing anything. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| He's self-destructive. | ||
| He's being productive and positive. | ||
| It's like, maybe one out of a hundred, man. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Out of the people that you meet, one out of a hundred. | ||
| The other 99 are nuts. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Half nuts, partially nuts. | ||
| You're nuts. | ||
| I'm nuts. | ||
| We're both nuts. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, how many... | ||
| I mean, even the Dalai Lama's fucking nuts. | ||
| You know what the Dalai Lama said? | ||
| He called, uh... | ||
| He said that oral and anal sex were, were, um... | ||
| I forget the exact terms he used. | ||
| Sexual deviations or something like that. | ||
| I forget the term that the Dalai Lama used, but basically he was saying that oral sex is really bad. | ||
| It's terrible for you. | ||
| You shouldn't do it. | ||
| Like, you shouldn't eat pussy. | ||
| Girls love it. | ||
| It feels good, and I like doing it, right? | ||
| You like doing it? | ||
| Yeah, we've talked about this, but there's actually science now saying that it can cause cancer in the person that's eating out the girl now, or something like that. | ||
| What are you fucking talking about? | ||
| Remember, we talked about this once. | ||
| Science? | ||
| No, we never talked about eating. | ||
| Eating pussy gives you cancer. | ||
| Yeah, we made a video. | ||
| We made a video about it where I talked about eating pussy and we were talking about it in that video. | ||
| Yeah, but we didn't say eating pussy gives you cancer. | ||
| Yeah, it was something that came out that... | ||
| You were talking about how you like to lock on it like a slug. | ||
| I know, but that's how we started talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| I don't remember eating pussy gives you cancer, dude. | ||
| I think you might have just made that up. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oral sex. | ||
| Please, Twitterverse, tell me, sweet Jesus. | ||
| Please, please, please tell me that you don't get cancer from eating pussy. | ||
| There was some kind of study that oral sex increases throat cancer risk, serial scientists say. | ||
| No, that's for girls because dudes who have fucking dick warts shove their dick into a girl's mouth and the girl's mouth gets infected. | ||
| Like if you have the human papilloma virus. | ||
| Yeah, but that goes both ways. | ||
| Girls and guys can both get the HPV virus. | ||
| From eating pussy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's even worse for chicks because you're mixing up with fucking blood in their... | ||
| You know, you might get a clot back there in the corner that gets inside an open sore in your mouth. | ||
| That does sort of make sense, you know? | ||
| Eural sex can cause throat cancer. | ||
| March 9th, 2007. Man. | ||
| Kinda sucks though, because that's my favorite thing to do, so I've moved on to the ass. | ||
| Fuck, son. | ||
| What's wrong with you, boy? | ||
| What time we got here? | ||
| 4.43, but we were down for 10 minutes. | ||
| Who's this one dummy that keeps saying, have I ever shit my pants? | ||
| You know, there's something wrong with you as a human being if you keep asking the same stupid fucking question over and over and over again. | ||
| That's what's interesting to you? | ||
| That's what's interesting to you. | ||
| All right, let's go to, we're going to go to forums.joerogan.net and see what the questions are. | ||
| We put up a thread, like we do every week, where people ask questions and shit. | ||
| Dallas this weekend, Addison Improv, three nights, almost sold out. | ||
| That's right, bitches. | ||
| It is almost sold out. | ||
| Late show Saturday night is sold out. | ||
| There's only 40 or 50 tickets left for both shows on Friday and the first show on Saturday. | ||
| So it's selling out quick. | ||
| So if you want to come to Dallas, by the time we get on the radio... | ||
| When we get on the radio, it's going to sell out quick. | ||
| We're going to do Lex and Terry and a couple other radio stations. | ||
| So that's, you know, if you want to jump on it, you've got to jump on it now. | ||
| When are you going to get your tattoo done? | ||
| The new one? | ||
| It's going to start in April. | ||
| I'm getting another sleeve. | ||
| I just thought of what I want to get covered up on mine. | ||
| Get the cat on top of that. | ||
|
unidentified
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What cat? | |
| Your crazy explosion cat? | ||
| I'm going to go and get this lasered off. | ||
| Oh, you are? | ||
|
unidentified
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Lasered? | |
| Yeah, this one. | ||
|
unidentified
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The old one I have up here because I'm doing the whole sleeve. | |
| Does he do laser there? | ||
| No, you have to go to a clinic and it hurts like a motherfucker. | ||
| It hurts more than a tattoo. | ||
| Let's see, let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
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Don't be a pussy. | |
| Did I ever tell them how I found out with my tattoo? | ||
| No, tell that story. | ||
| Show the tattoo first. | ||
| Tell the whole story. | ||
| Okay, so when I was younger, I was a manager of a movie theater. | ||
| One of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist. | ||
| While he tells the story, I'm going to pee right back. | ||
| One of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist, and her boyfriend owned a tattoo studio. | ||
| So the whole time, she's like, you know, he's teaching me every day how to do tattoos, and I do it on, like, watermelons or something like that to practice, and she's been doing it forever. | ||
| And finally, one day, she's like, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to start doing tattoos now, so if you know anyone that needs a tattoo, and she's like, I'll hook them up. | ||
| And I go, wow, how much are you charging? | ||
| And she's like, for you, I'll do it for free or something like that, because you'll be my first person to ever do it. | ||
| So I'm like thinking, free tattoo? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So I went there. | ||
| It took her eight hours or something ridiculous to do this tattoo. | ||
| And it originally was supposed to be an Egyptian turtle with my name in Chinese or the letter R in Chinese in the middle of the turtle in Chinese. | ||
| It was some stupid. | ||
| I was really stoned or whatever. | ||
| And it hurts so bad she did nothing but scar me. | ||
| So I have tons of scar tissue. | ||
| And it's like the gayest looking tattoo. | ||
| It looks like Spider-Man was in a gang fight or something like that. | ||
| So one time I'm at this bar and this Chinese girl goes, let me see a tattoo. | ||
| And she goes, why do you have that on your arm? | ||
| Did she really talk like that? | ||
| It was worse than that. | ||
| She had a cock in her mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
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But she looked at it and she goes, let me see that. | |
| And she goes, why do you have that on your arm? | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That's an R in Chinese. | ||
| My last name. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| She goes, that's not an R. That's like flowing water. | ||
| That's like a waterfall. | ||
| Do you like waterfalls? | ||
| So I guess my tattoo means waterfalls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see it again. | |
| So gay. | ||
| Anyways, I was thinking about getting the... | ||
| Getting the, you know how there's cats in Chinese restaurants? | ||
| Yeah, they have a clock. | ||
| That could be like the clock. | ||
| Dude, get me. | ||
| I'll have Aaron Della Vadova from Guru Tattoo. | ||
| We'll do it together. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| Or we'll have someone else's guru. | ||
| They have like seven fucking killer artists. | ||
| He can recommend somebody. | ||
| We'll have him draw it. | ||
| Honky Kong. | ||
| I got my tattoo done at Guru Tattoo in San Diego. | ||
| They rule. | ||
| And they're awesome. | ||
| Killer artists. | ||
| My guy, the guy that did me, is Aaron Della Vadova. | ||
| And he only does big, giant pieces. | ||
| He did my whole sleeve. | ||
| 50 hours. | ||
| We went down there, I think, seven times, right? | ||
| And that's going to be the same with the right one. | ||
| We used to do this there. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| We're going to do this there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, we're going to do Brian's... | ||
| We'll find you a good artist there, man. | ||
| He's got a whole killer staff of killer artists. | ||
| I wonder if Honky Kong's still there, because I wear a shirt every day, almost. | ||
| I bet he is. | ||
| I bet he is. | ||
| We can find out, man. | ||
| When does Red Band start stripping? | ||
| Oh, it's Edward Catflappo. | ||
| Hi Flapple! | ||
| Hello Kitty is worse than waterfalls. | ||
| It's not the Hello Kitty, man. | ||
| How dare you, bro? | ||
| Hello Kitty? | ||
| It's the good luck hack. | ||
| I didn't take a bump. | ||
| I peed. | ||
| I've never done a bump in my life. | ||
| It's one of the few drugs that I've never done. | ||
| There's a bunch of them that I've never done. | ||
| I've never done anything addictive. | ||
| There's Honky Kong in there. | ||
| Artists. | ||
| They got a bunch of killer artists, man. | ||
| That place is awesome. | ||
| It's in Pacific Beach down in San Diego. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think that guy lost his marbles. | ||
| Anyway, what the fuck were we talking about? | ||
| Tattoos. | ||
| No. | ||
| Doing cocaine in the bathroom. | ||
| Oh, I've never done any coke. | ||
| I've never done coke any. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Because when I was in high school, my friend Jimmy, his cousin, was selling coke. | ||
| I shouldn't even have said my friend who. | ||
| I'll let you fucking guess. | ||
| But he was selling it and when he was doing that he lost all this weight and he would hide in the basement or in the attic rather and they would do coke and watch TV and him and his girlfriend were just zombies. | ||
| And I saw his whole life fall apart. | ||
| I watched it happen. | ||
| And I remember saying, that fucking stuff's bad for you. | ||
| I just remember nothing but bad things from high school and right after high school of people and coke. | ||
| It was very obvious to me that coke was the worst thing you could do. | ||
| Can I do nitrous? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, like from Whippets? | ||
| Yeah, I did it once. | ||
| When I worked at an ice cream place. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| It just gave me a headache. | ||
| I've done MDMA. Some guy asked me if I've done it. | ||
| I did ecstasy once. | ||
| Only one time. | ||
| And it was awesome. | ||
| But the next day was so bad. | ||
| The next day, I was so stupid. | ||
| My brain was like... | ||
| It felt like a sponge that had been just wrung out, dry, and then just left in the sun. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then you try to... | ||
| Like, clean something with it. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| It was so... | ||
| My brain was so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
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It just... | |
| I was feeling so bad the next day. | ||
| I was like, this cannot be good for you. | ||
| It's gotta be fucking terrible for you. | ||
| Who knows what was in it, though? | ||
| It might not have just been MDMA, pure MDMA. It might have been, like... | ||
| They say that people cut it with speed and shit like that, you know? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But anyway... | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't read the next day. | ||
| That guy... | ||
| Remshoe Gallery. | ||
| Remshoe Gallery. | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't read the next day, man. | ||
| Literally, I was sitting in... | ||
| A Starbucks and I was trying to read a magazine and I was like, I can't even fucking concentrate on this. | ||
| I literally couldn't focus. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was a fucking great time, though, that night. | ||
| I can understand why people do it. | ||
| And I guess if you're not a big reader and you don't mind feeling stupid, the next day wouldn't be a problem. | ||
| But for me, man, I've talked to people who say this. | ||
| The next day they feel fine. | ||
| It just depends how much like strychnine is in it and stuff like that. | ||
| Have you ever candy flipped where it's a piece of candy and has ecstasy on one side and acid on the other side? | ||
| I heard that's crazy though. | ||
| It's a great combo. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I heard it's like whenever you combine things like that, the recovery times just accelerated. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh yeah. | |
| It's even more time. | ||
| I want to do it nowadays. | ||
|
unidentified
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So, what else? | |
| What's the best weed? | ||
| The best weed is the weed that you got, bitch. | ||
| You know, if you have the options... | ||
| See, the beautiful thing about California is this... | ||
| There, that guy's fucking great. | ||
| Go with that guy, man. | ||
| That's the perfect style. | ||
| Look at his style. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could totally see that guy doing it. | ||
| Adam Hawthorne. | ||
| I think the thing that's cool about California is the fact that you get to go to these places and experiment with all these different strains. | ||
| Joey Diaz mixes it up every day. | ||
| He thinks that's... | ||
| Ooh, that shit is badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that right there? | |
| Joey Diaz thinks that... | ||
| Let's see what this guy's tiger looks like. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Joey Diaz thinks that he should mix your weed up every day. | ||
| We're on gurutattoo.com. | ||
| G-U-R-U tattoo. | ||
| Joey says that if you smoke the same weed every day, you get used to it. | ||
| But if you mix up strains every day, that every day is like boom, boom. | ||
| So Joey buys like a little bit of weed every day. | ||
| It's like a ritual. | ||
| If you smoke weed every day, you get used to it. | ||
| I mean, I have to take a good three days off nowadays. | ||
| But Joey smokes weed every day. | ||
| I try not to. | ||
| Joey smokes weed every day. | ||
| Joey ain't taking no days off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when you go, when we're on the road... | ||
| We pass by Joey's hotel room. | ||
| We're all staying in the same hotel. | ||
| When you go to get Joey, his room stinks of weed. | ||
| I mean, fucking stinks. | ||
| Every day it stinks of weed. | ||
| He always knows the right guy in every town to get him weed. | ||
| And he always gets it. | ||
| Joey's an everyday weed guy. | ||
| I don't smoke weed every day. | ||
| I like to take days off. | ||
| I think it's better. | ||
| I don't like being completely obliterated every day. | ||
| I don't think that shit's healthy. | ||
| Alright, let's go to the questions on the message board. | ||
| Oh, your Charlotte, North Carolina date changed. | ||
| It changed? | ||
| Or the venue changed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It did? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now it's Amo Southland? | |
| Hmm. | ||
| Amos Southend. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We're there for a UFC. The way it always works is whenever I'm in town for a UFC, I always do a gig the day before. | ||
| So let's go to the message board. | ||
| I did a gig in Sydney. | ||
| Had a great fucking time. | ||
| Australian people are the shit. | ||
| That show was fun, man. | ||
| But the show was... | ||
| Could have been better because I got too drunk the night before. | ||
| Oh, we got too drunk. | ||
| My brain was... | ||
| First of all, I was fucked up because I could not sleep. | ||
| Because you're 19 hours ahead when you go to Australia, so your body doesn't know what time it was. | ||
| I'd be exhausted. | ||
| I'd go to sleep. | ||
| Three hours later, I'd wake up. | ||
| And I didn't know what... | ||
| I thought I was taking a nap. | ||
| Like, my body had no idea. | ||
| I could not sleep for like eight hours in a session. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| So I'd sleep by three hours. | ||
| I get up. | ||
| I try to read. | ||
| I beat off. | ||
| I try to go back to sleep again. | ||
| I sleep for another hour and I wake up again. | ||
| It was so confusing, man. | ||
| But Friday night when we got there, it was me and Eddie and Tom Segura. | ||
| Me and Eddie and Tom Segura, we went to a bar and got fucking blitzkrieked. | ||
| We just pulled up to the bar. | ||
| We set up shop right by the bar at this club. | ||
| And just start buying people drinks. | ||
| Just went nutty. | ||
| I must have bought a hundred fucking drinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just pointing at people. | ||
| Is drinks cheaper or more expensive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know. | |
| It's all the same. | ||
| It's very close. | ||
| What's the dollar like? | ||
| It's like 92 to our dollar. | ||
| It's worth 92 cents. | ||
| Or it might be the opposite. | ||
| It's probably the opposite. | ||
| Ours might be worth 92 cents. | ||
| I'm not sure which one. | ||
| People are so cool. | ||
| You see any kangaroos anywhere? | ||
| Yeah, we did at the zoo. | ||
| They were depressed. | ||
| Depressed kangaroos just laying around like this. | ||
| Like, motherfucker. | ||
| That's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| We were talking about the killer whale that killed people. | ||
| Yeah, the zoo's bummed me the fuck out, man. | ||
| I would like to see a kangaroo in the wild, but they're dangerous. | ||
| They'll fuck you up. | ||
| Was there anything in Australia that was just completely insane? | ||
| Like, their bathrooms have weird purple lights in them. | ||
| It's like, you know how you grow up? | ||
| We were talking about this, me and Eddie and Tom... | ||
| About how you know when you grow up you're taught that everything sucks except America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| They're all the same. | ||
| Australia is the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's beautiful. | ||
| It's clean. | ||
| Really nice houses everywhere. | ||
| The restaurants were great. | ||
| The people were friendly. | ||
| You know, the economy's not completely fucked. | ||
| You're driving on the left side of the road, which is weird. | ||
| But other than that, you get used to that. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| You know, it's just what you're used to. | ||
| But other than that, it's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| I mean, other than that, what a great country, man. | ||
| I mean, it's amazing. | ||
| And comics, like my friend Eddie Ift, he's huge over there. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| The guy sells out all over the place. | ||
| Does TV shows. | ||
| People come to see him. | ||
| He told me they write about him in the paper when he's at a bar. | ||
| But in America, you can't fucking get traction for whatever reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Arge Barker. | |
| That was an awesome UFC. Yeah, it was a great UFC. Arge Barker's gigantic in Australia. | ||
| Fucking monstrous. | ||
| He sold out someplace supposedly. | ||
| It was like a 1,500 seat place. | ||
| Sold it out something like 20-something nights in a row. | ||
| I mean, just craziness. | ||
| They love American comedians over there, so the show was fucking fantastic. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| A few people walked out, but that's going to happen, man. | ||
| If you don't know what you're getting into, you know? | ||
| I always try to tell people that if... | ||
| There was a big sign in front of the show that said, warning, this show will contain language and material as extreme as you could possibly imagine. | ||
| But apparently, some of the shit I said people couldn't imagine. | ||
| So... | ||
| They didn't know what to expect. | ||
| Sorry, you got bombed out. | ||
| But 99% of the people had a great fucking time. | ||
| But yeah, it was a pretty wild and crazy show. | ||
| But also, it was because we were hammered that night too. | ||
| So two nights in a row we got barbecued. | ||
| So I was planning on going to Australia and doing all this writing, but alcohol just sticks a fork in all those plans, you know? | ||
| You said that when you flew to Australia, it was like 17 hours. | ||
| Was the flight really, did it really feel like 17 hours? | ||
| Was it the point where you were just like, fuck this, I need to jump off this plane, this is too much? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| It wasn't that bad? | ||
| You know, you just, the cats are fighting. | ||
| You know, you just... | ||
| You read, you watch a fucking movie, get on your laptop. | ||
| I was going over some material on the way over there. | ||
| The real problem was once I got there, I thought I was going to write, but it was all get drunk, recover from the drunk, drink a lot of water, get drunk again, recover. | ||
| You had like small little bedrooms almost on the plane, right? | ||
| The plane was dope. | ||
| We flew first class on Qantas and then some, I think it's called an A310 or something like that. | ||
| Giant ass fucking plane. | ||
| And they're huge, man. | ||
| It's like a little apartment, man. | ||
| Was Coach like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Foutons? | |
| There's like futons? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Coach is just fucking coach, man. | ||
| Business class is pretty dope. | ||
| Business class is just as good as first class. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Pretty close to it. | ||
| But coach, fuck you, they say. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah, go on. | ||
| I'd been like, hey, let me hang out in your bedroom up here, man. | ||
| I can't imagine flying 16 hours in one of these ass chairs. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Jam next to Ralphie Mae on one side and Kevin Smith on the other. | ||
| Both after they ran a marathon. | ||
| I can't believe that somebody kicked Kevin Smith off a fucking plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so stupid. | |
| How dumb are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so stupid. | |
| I guess a lot of people don't know who he is, the way he looks. | ||
| They don't know that that's that famous director. | ||
| You might want to shut the fuck up. | ||
| That guy's on Twitter all day, every day. | ||
| He probably ruined Southwest. | ||
| That cost them money, for sure. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Well, part of me thinks so, but then the other part of me is like, they just got so much attention, you know? | ||
| Especially if you hate fat people, you'd be like, fuck yeah, I'm going to Southwest all the way. | ||
| But they lost the fat dollar. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of fat people that got bummed out. | ||
| How does Ralphie Mayfly? | ||
| Dude, you know how much money that probably saved him? | ||
| All these pissed off fat people that aren't flying southwest now just saved them all. | ||
| There's already studies that they were thinking, this is ridiculous, they were thinking about making you take a shit before you flew because they found out that if they made everyone go to the bathroom before they got on the airplane that they would save so many dollars per year. | ||
| Like this was a real study that they were going to do. | ||
| This was Southwest? | ||
| This wasn't Southwest. | ||
| This was American Airlines or something like that. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So can you imagine now that they have all these fat people pissed off that we're not going to fly Southwest. | ||
| It's probably, they're probably earning $5 million a year. | ||
| I wonder how much it costs them more to fly like fuel wise to Australia for a fat guy than for like a small guy. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure it's big enough times a hundred than you would imagine. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Yeah, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| Maybe Southwest paid Kevin Smith and this is all just to save them a couple million a year. | ||
| Kevin Smith would never do that. | ||
| He's like, the fat people would be pissed. | ||
| Kevin Smith has integrity. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| He was cool. | ||
| He wouldn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He is really cool. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, I met him when I came in to do KROQ once. | ||
| KRQ in LA. Very fun radio. | ||
| The last of the terrestrial radio stations in LA. Fucking radio in LA has vanished. | ||
| I wanted to do radio for a long time. | ||
| I was thinking about doing it. | ||
| I was thinking, what a cool thing that would be. | ||
| We have some interesting conversations. | ||
| You take callers, talk to people online and shit. | ||
| But it just died. | ||
| When they had that 97.1 FM talk, I was like, how cool would that be? | ||
| Let's get a fucking radio gig. | ||
| Well, you were going to do it in Denver before you moved back. | ||
| Yeah, I was thinking about doing it in Denver. | ||
| When you're going back to Denver, people keep on asking me that. | ||
| Well, this is UFC in March, but I haven't gotten a venue to do stand-up at, so I might just go back and no stand-up, just have fun. | ||
| Just do the UFC. I want to go back and check out my house and see if I can find a fucking mountain lion that ate my dog. | ||
| What if you came there and your dog was sitting on the front porch? | ||
| He's been living off the land, and he's this big, butch, lassie-looking dog now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a little dog, man. | |
| He got jacked. | ||
| Believe me, he was gone for weeks. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Your dog does not appreciate black peoples. | ||
| Peoples. | ||
| Well, if dogs aren't around black people and then all of a sudden they see a black person, they're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Why is he that color? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Can dogs see color? | ||
| Maybe they just see darkness. | ||
| Don't dogs see in black and white? | ||
| Maybe you think it's a dude with a mask on. | ||
| Okay, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Let's go to the message board. | ||
| I'm taking Conan's new look. | ||
| Conan O'Brien has a new look? | ||
| Oh, with the beard? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He's got $35 million in the bank now. | ||
| Just kicking it, you know? | ||
| Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. | ||
| Somebody help me. | ||
| Conan O'Brien now has a Twitter, by the way. | ||
| It's Conan O'Brien. | ||
| I love the whole Conan story. | ||
| It just shows you how retarded networks are, you know? | ||
| And first of all, they should have never changed shit. | ||
| You know, what they should have done, I appreciate the Jimmy Fallon, people enjoy Jimmy Fallon's show, but you know what? | ||
| Put that on after Conan O'Brien. | ||
| Go back to the way you had it. | ||
| Don't be stupid. | ||
| You want to go Jay Leno Tonight Show while you want to go Middle America and throw softballs and not offend anybody. | ||
| And then keep the Conan O'Brien show where it was because when Conan's on, he can do all that craziness, the fucking insult dog, masturbating, but he can do it late at night because... | ||
| You're allowed to do more crazy shit late at night. | ||
| You know, what's his face? | ||
| Remember when we were talking to Norm MacDonald outside the ice house? | ||
| He had the best point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Norm MacDonald goes, he goes, what fucking difference does it make what time he's on anyway? | |
| Nobody watches it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You watch it on your fucking DVR or you see it on YouTube. | |
| Who cares if you're on 11.30 or 12.30? | ||
| 12.30 is better. | ||
| You can get away with more shit. | ||
| He was totally right. | ||
| I like how he's saying all this, but yet his phone was from 1982. So I was like, you don't have it on TVO. The fact that he had a phone at all. | ||
| When I ran into him, I ran into Norm MacDonald once when I was doing some Canadian gigs like a couple of years ago. | ||
| And when I ran into him, he didn't have a cell phone. | ||
| I had to call his home phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| He didn't have a fucking cell phone. | ||
| He didn't have one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I don't want people to just be able to get in touch with me. | |
| Sometimes I will just run, fuck off, and disappear. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's hilarious, man. | ||
| Norm MacDonald hosting a talk show would be the shit. | ||
| I would tune into that talk show because he wouldn't let people get away with anything. | ||
| He's nuts. | ||
| He's a loose dude. | ||
| He's wild. | ||
| He would be a good couch guy for Conan. | ||
| Have you ever seen him on the couch with... | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| The whole time he was cracking jokes. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| He would be a good side guy. | ||
| You have a straight guy and he's the side guy. | ||
| What is my take on the weed stores in LA getting raided? | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| The whole thing makes me sick. | ||
| The whole thing is so... | ||
| It's so strange, man. | ||
| It's so strange that they're still fucking with people. | ||
| Apparently the way the law is presented though in California, and I'm not sure of this, is that they believe that the way the law is presented is that you can give weed away and you can sell it as long as you're not making a profit and that these collectives are supposed to be to provide Medical patients with marijuana. | ||
| But apparently there's people out there that are flaunting the wealth and they're making a fuckload of money off of it. | ||
| Millions and millions of dollars off selling weed. | ||
| Now, if that's the case, there's two parts of me. | ||
| One part of me that says, well, you know what? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| They should be able to sell it. | ||
| You know, you guys are douchebags. | ||
| But another part of me says, hmm, maybe it'd be better. | ||
| Maybe it'd be really in the spirit of weed if it was free. | ||
| Maybe it really would be in the spirit of weed that it isn't... | ||
| There isn't for profit. | ||
| You know, people go, well, man, these stores couldn't exist and they couldn't sell it. | ||
| Yeah, but weed's not that hard to grow, man. | ||
| People would still grow and sell weed. | ||
| And, you know, people would sell it illegally. | ||
| I mean, there would be plenty of people that would, you know, if you want good weed, you got to talk to this guy and it's expensive. | ||
| But I kind of like the idea of it not being for profit. | ||
| There's something about it that bugs me, that people are overcharging for this plant just because it's illegal. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking... | ||
| Some places it's super expensive, you know? | ||
| Five, six hundred dollars an ounce for like really powerful potent weed. | ||
| You know, which I understand the guy should get paid for his growing and this and that. | ||
| I totally respect that. | ||
| You should be able to make a certain amount of money for it. | ||
| But if it was legal, it would be way fucking cheaper than it is right now. | ||
| The reality is, the reason why it's expensive at all, the reason why these guys can make millions of dollars in profit off of selling weed... | ||
| It's only because it's illegal and difficult to get and you have to get it from these places. | ||
| If marijuana was legal and you could grow your own, which is how it should be, you would have no need to buy it. | ||
| You could have a little fucking plant in your backyard or in your closet. | ||
| It pretty much already is like that, though. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| This guy got fucking arrested. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| This guy just got arrested. | ||
| This guy just got arrested with 24 different counts. | ||
| And they're going to charge him. | ||
| And the way it works apparently is what Obama has said is that they're not going to charge people who are only violating federal law. | ||
| Because federally it's illegal. | ||
| They're going to go after people who are going to violate both federal and state laws. | ||
| So you have to follow the state law to the letter. | ||
| And they're making an example out of this one dude apparently. | ||
| Well, I mean, if you go and get a license, you're allowed to grow, what, seven plants or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, you're allowed to grow a lot. | ||
| You're allowed to have like a half a pound of weed. | ||
| Yeah, and you could even get the other license that you can do up to like 21 plants. | ||
| Yes, I got that. | ||
| Yeah, you have that for some weird reason. | ||
| They asked me if I needed an exemption, and I said, what's an exemption for? | ||
| He goes, well, you know, the regular amount of weed is not enough. | ||
| I'm like, yes, the regular amount is not enough. | ||
| I need more. | ||
| So you could pretty much anyone, anyone can get that. | ||
| Even kids could probably get this shit. | ||
| But they can get that license. | ||
| So if you just grow within your amount, you could pretty much do that now. | ||
| And even if the cops came over to your house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it could be people that don't have the room to grow. | ||
| They don't want to be hassled. | ||
| And they want to be able to go out and purchase it at a reasonable rate. | ||
| And I agree. | ||
| There is a reasonable rate. | ||
| But right now, the rate is so high that marijuana is worth more than gold. | ||
| Marijuana is worth more per pound than gold is. | ||
| That seems a little crazy. | ||
| You know, I mean, it's definitely inflated because of the fact that there's no competition because of the fact that it's illegal. | ||
| And it's a fucking plant! | ||
| It should be legal. | ||
| Everybody should be able to grow it. | ||
| If it was legal, there would be nobody making millions and millions of dollars off it. | ||
| The real problem is it would fuck the economy up because pharmaceutical companies would just fucking nosedive. | ||
| There'd be so many different pharmaceutical products that would be They would be useless. | ||
| I believe that to a point. | ||
| Right now, I have weed whenever I want to have weed, but I still have Tums for my stomach. | ||
| I still have aspirin for headaches. | ||
| They didn't replace any of that. | ||
| Right, but you don't have fucking glaucoma, dude. | ||
| There's a lot of different medications for ADD. Those are the billion dollar medicines. | ||
| It's not Tums, bro. | ||
| It's prescription pharmaceuticals. | ||
| Most of these people that are saying it's the best drug for glaucoma are just hippies wanting weed to be Because if you look at the medication for glaucoma in comparison, I bet you it's better than weed. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You don't think? | ||
| No, marijuana is the best for interocular pressure. | ||
| I believe that's what it's called. | ||
| When glaucoma apparently is very painful for people and marijuana apparently is the best at relieving that. | ||
| It's the best at restoring people's appetite when they have chemotherapy. | ||
| That's why cancer patients like it. | ||
| It's the best that a lot of different things do. | ||
| There's people that have had kids that have autism. | ||
| There's a video that we showed and we played that clip. | ||
| The kid that had autism and it was the only thing that calmed the kid down and made him normal was weed. | ||
| It's great for a lot of different things and all those different things are prescription drugs that are worth fucking billions of dollars every year to pharmaceutical companies which is why They lobby against recreational drugs, so-called recreational drugs, which is why, to this day, Partnership for a Drug-Free America, to this day, gets money from pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| They got money from alcohol companies and tobacco companies, millions and millions of dollars in the past, and because of that, there was a lot of criticism, so they no longer get money from alcohol and tobacco companies, but they still get money from fucking pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| And pharmaceutical companies are responsible for Oxycodone, Vicodin, Percocet, all that shit. | ||
| I still don't think it's gonna be like, if they made it legal, all these companies are gonna go out of business. | ||
| I know my mom's not gonna be smoking weed. | ||
| She's gonna be like, no, I'll take the other thing. | ||
| Well, some people would be dumb enough for a few generations. | ||
| Yeah, they would be dumb enough for a few generations. | ||
| Well, there's just people that weed just doesn't work with. | ||
| And that's like 50%, 60%. | ||
| That's never going to change. | ||
| For the things that we've talked about, it's not 50 or 60%. | ||
| Weed is a real effective medicine for a bunch of different things. | ||
| But more importantly, it would be great for textiles. | ||
| It would be great for, you can eat it. | ||
| I mean, it has all the essential fatty acids and the seeds, you know, amino acids. | ||
| There's a lot of different fucking things that marijuana is good for besides just... | ||
| It's just getting you high. | ||
| It's incredible that it's illegal. | ||
| It's really mind-blowing that it's illegal. | ||
| In 2010, with the access to information that we have today, the fact that it's still illegal, that's fucking insane, man. | ||
| Is Ustream laggy? | ||
| Yeah, Ustream's always laggy, man. | ||
| Anything on the internet's laggy. | ||
| Nothing works perfect. | ||
| The internet is in a stage right now. | ||
| It's not done yet. | ||
| The IRS plane-crasher guy having a hangar co-leased by a member of Homeland Security and having ties to intelligence agencies. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Well, I know that he stole that plane, so I don't know. | ||
| It wasn't his plane, if that's what you're talking about. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| But, you know what? | ||
| I'm all for that guy, because... | ||
| What? | ||
| You're all for that guy that crashed his building? | ||
| Did anyone die in that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, they did. | |
| Alright, I'm sorry for this, but I died, but fuck the IRS. I'm still dealing with that bullshit. | ||
| Bad Bobby is telling me that gold is $1,100 an ounce in British Columbia and the best weed is $3,200 a pound. | ||
| It ain't more than gold. | ||
| It's going for less than $17,000 a pound here in the US. Oh, I stand corrected. | ||
| Thank you very much, sir. | ||
| It sounds better than that. | ||
| It sounds better. | ||
| The way I said it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's worth more than gold. | |
| I know what's worth more than gold. | ||
| Hash. | ||
| Hash is worth more than gold, isn't it? | ||
| Damn, hash is expensive as fuck. | ||
| How much does a pound of hash go for? | ||
| More than a pound of hash. | ||
| A pound of hash will fucking punch a hole through to another dimension. | ||
| Can you imagine if we smoked a pound of hash? | ||
| Hash they make out of weed somehow or another. | ||
| It's the resin. | ||
| How do they do it, though? | ||
| Do you know how they make it? | ||
| Some sort of a complicated process. | ||
| But I've had it before, and it's a strange high. | ||
| It's very, very strong. | ||
| I want to do opium again. | ||
| Opium's awesome. | ||
| You did opium? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| It's not much different than hash. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But isn't opium like opiates? | ||
| Isn't that heroin? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's like... | ||
| It looks like a piece of soap. | ||
| It smokes like hash, and it smells like a hippie, like patrulli. | ||
| It smells like patrulli when it burns. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of like, I don't know, like a hash kind of feeling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm scared, man. | ||
| Yeah, the gold thing, I didn't really research that very well. | ||
| It was something else. | ||
| Sorry if I said that incorrectly. | ||
| There's something else that marijuana was more expensive than per ounce. | ||
| Maybe it was oil. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Worth more than oil? | ||
| Worth more than something that's worth a lot. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go with some other questions here. | |
| Damn it, the Ustream. | ||
| Powerful Ustream. | ||
| Opium smells like flowers and is super addictive from the poppy. | ||
| There, faggot. | ||
| Why are you doing something super addictive? | ||
| Brian's already addicted to cigarettes, though. | ||
| It's not addictive. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Brian's cat had a hangnail, and that got him to start smoking again. | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got audited by the IRS. But before that, it was your cat got a hangnail. | |
| No. | ||
| It was my cat had a fucked up foot. | ||
| Cat had a fucked up foot. | ||
| Dude, cigarettes are the worst because cigarettes out of nowhere, you'll be like, dude, I need a cigarette. | ||
| I need a cigarette. | ||
| It's one of those things, once you do it, it opens up a door that's always going to be open. | ||
| And it's weird. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Did you know you can activate your pineal by saying the word love at a certain frequency? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the new Mariah Carey song has a high enough pitch to open up your garage doors. | |
| No it doesn't Shut the fuck up People love to say stupid shit People love fucking magic They love magic and nonsense. | ||
| They love to think that there is something like that. | ||
| There's real magic. | ||
| Eat a pound of mushrooms. | ||
| You want to see something magic? | ||
| Instead of having a 16 ounce steak, have 16 ounces of mushrooms, motherfucker. | ||
| That's magic. | ||
| You'll magically be retarded for the rest of your life. | ||
| You'll probably be communicating with aliens permanently. | ||
| you'll probably be locked into another dimension. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Tell Jerry Garcia smoking opium wasn't addicted. | ||
| He moved to smoking black tar heroin after that. | ||
| Well, it's for sure, Dick. | ||
| They used to have opium dens back in the Wild West, don't you remember? | ||
| Sure, but I never once did opium the next day thought about, oh my god, I need it! | ||
| You know, it was never like that. | ||
| Cocaine was kind of like that, but for me. | ||
| But opium never was like that. | ||
| That was more of like a treat, like a dessert. | ||
| Well, you know, that's a good argument because this argument was on the message board as well. | ||
| People were talking about things being addictive and the problem with even alcohol being addictive is that it's not addictive to everybody. | ||
| You know, I'm not addicted to alcohol. | ||
| I could not have a drink every day for the rest of my life and I'd have no problem with that. | ||
| But I like to have a drink sometimes and go on stage. | ||
| I like to have a drink sometimes with my buddies just to make things fun. | ||
| You get crazy. | ||
| You pay for it the next day, though. | ||
| Especially our age. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You get older, you pay for it more. | ||
| But the bottom line is it's not addictive. | ||
| I don't hurt when I don't have it, but for some people it is. | ||
| Some people have to have a drink. | ||
| When I was doing construction when I was a kid, there was a dude who had a Mountain Dew bottle. | ||
| And he would fill it up with fucking beer, like cheap beer, like Colt 45, and he would drink beer all day while we worked. | ||
| All day. | ||
| This guy was, he was a shaky, jonesing dude. | ||
| He would show up for work, though. | ||
| He was there every fucking day, 7 in the morning, swinging that hammer. | ||
| You know, he was there, pissing every five minutes. | ||
| Guy was always hammered, though. | ||
| He was drinking beer all day. | ||
| For that dude, though, I think it's like everybody's got their own biochemical makeup. | ||
| It's like you're addicted to cigarettes. | ||
| But like Tom Segura, Tom Segura smokes cigarettes when he drinks, but doesn't smoke other times. | ||
| And he can go years without cigarettes with no problem. | ||
| But when he drinks, he likes to have a cigarette. | ||
| When was the last time he went a year with no problem, though? | ||
| Well, he said he's taken a long time off. | ||
| He's taken time off a bunch of times. | ||
| And he won't smoke for months. | ||
| And then he'll have a cigarette. | ||
| He'll have a cigarette when he drinks. | ||
| I definitely think cigarettes is like that one thing that even if you quit smoking, it can be three years later and out of nowhere you'll start smoking again. | ||
| No reason why. | ||
| No, you've said that and so has Ari. | ||
| So I think, you know, I think they're doing something. | ||
| Remember that movie The Insider with Russell Crowe? | ||
| You see that movie? | ||
| It's all about like all the shit that they do to cigarettes to make it even more addictive. | ||
| Like hundreds of different additives. | ||
| Hundreds of different additives just to make it more addictive. | ||
| And I totally believe that's true. | ||
| Totally, 100% believe that's true. | ||
| And if that's the case, man, I mean, who the fuck knows? | ||
| I mean, they say that cigarettes are more... | ||
| It's not as dangerous as heroin, because heroin will kill you quicker and you can overdose from it, but cigarettes will get you hooked quicker than anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, apparently, if you have that thing inside you that gets you hooked to shit, like most people do. | ||
| But I don't, but I... | ||
| Cigarettes are totally different. | ||
| You do with cocaine too, you said. | ||
| You were allegedly... | ||
| Allegedly selling it. | ||
| Not really selling it. | ||
| Not really selling it. | ||
| This is just for fiction. | ||
| This is like a character that would buy a large amount so he could give it away and have some extra for free. | ||
| It was Peter Pan of... | ||
| No, not Peter Pan. | ||
| Robin Hood of cocaine. | ||
| It was like one month of my life back in 95. In this fictional story. | ||
| In this fictional story. | ||
| But anyways... | ||
| But if you were rich, okay, what if you were like... | ||
| If I was rich and I was getting all the time? | ||
| What if you were like Jay-Z, Baller, you know, Private Jet Rich, and you could just get pure cocaine shipped right over here from the CIA. The CIA would drop it off on your doorstep. | ||
| Well, I think I like... | ||
| Mr. Reichel, package of cocaine? | ||
| I think the only reason it was kind of addictive to me because I am one of those people that never go to the doctors and I probably need to be one of those people that are on speed or something... | ||
| I like having a thyroid condition. | ||
| Most of my day is spent moping around, no energy, and stuff like that. | ||
| But with cocaine, I felt like I was alive for the first time. | ||
| I think that's what was addictive. | ||
| I felt like I was out of some kind of coma. | ||
| Sometimes I'm having a normal day. | ||
| I'm not really into anything. | ||
| I'll have a cup of coffee and I just get fucking fired up. | ||
| I feel great. | ||
| I feel good about life. | ||
| It fucking feels like the warm sun feels better. | ||
| I want to clean my office. | ||
| You get a little fired up from stimulants. | ||
| That's what they're there for. | ||
| I don't know what cocaine is like but I know that I've had problems with coffee. | ||
| You would never stop talking. | ||
| You talked about this. | ||
| I told you I did that tea once. | ||
| You would be talking so fast your jaw would fly off and hit somebody in the face. | ||
| I have this thing called mate de coca and it's a tea that's made out of... | ||
| I guess I'm talking to myself from now on. | ||
| I'm talking to you. | ||
| Mate de coco is a tea that's made out of coca leaves. | ||
| So it's like cocaine, the plant that they make cocaine from. | ||
| But it's the unprocessed form, which is, it's actually like indigenous people chew that. | ||
| I think it's in Peru, they said. | ||
| It's like really common. | ||
| Isn't it Peru? | ||
| He doesn't know he's outside, smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Talking to myself. | ||
| Um, they, uh, they chew this leaf, and it's, um, for, especially people that, uh, are at high altitude, like, uh, high altitude, uh, herding communities, they, they eat this, uh, they chew this tea, this tea leaf, but I had it in a tea form, and when I had it, it was not good for me. | ||
| I couldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| Me and Doug Stanhope were doing, uh, shrooms. | ||
| It was the day the Iraq war started, and we were in the middle of the desert at my friend Jan's house. | ||
| And it's pretty crazy because we're shrooming. | ||
| And right when the shrooms were kicking in, we noticed on the television set that they were saying that the war coverage begins at 5. And Stan Hope looked at me and he goes, there's a fucking kickoff for the war. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it was like. | ||
| They were telling us when the war coverage was going to start. | ||
| Tune in at 5 for war coverage! | ||
| It was like a kickoff. | ||
| It was like that's when the program, the war program was going to start. | ||
| And that's when this guy, Jan, my friend Jan, who's like, he's done more psychedelics than anyone I've ever met ever. | ||
| He's definitely probably fried his brain. | ||
| He's got a cool podcast though. | ||
| But he was talking about, hey, take this mate de coco. | ||
| It'll help the mushrooms kick in quicker. | ||
| Maybe it did, but I could not shut the fuck up. | ||
| And I was telling Doug while I was doing it, I was like, I can't shut the fuck up. | ||
| This is driving me crazy. | ||
| And he was laughing uncontrollably because he thought it was hilarious that I was talking about how I couldn't shut the fuck up, yet aware of it and still talking. | ||
| It's the worst, but you know what? | ||
| That's one of those drugs that, thank God you never tried, because you would freak out and love it. | ||
| Because it makes your mind open up and just think so... | ||
| Clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because you're just non-stop thinking of new stuff to talk about. | ||
| I think for me, that's how it works. | ||
| My friend Jimmy said that when we were kids. | ||
| We had the cousin that had the problem with it. | ||
| He told me not to do it. | ||
| He told me, you smell so bad, dude. | ||
| That is so nasty. | ||
| Cigarettes are so fucking gross. | ||
| They are nasty. | ||
| But you kept on talking about them. | ||
| And Daddy needed a taste. | ||
| Oh, Daddy needed a taste. | ||
| You can't go two hours without... | ||
| He had a cigarette right when we started, too, by the way. | ||
| I had the other half. | ||
| Oh, shut your fucking hole. | ||
| You had your fix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn it. | |
| Had your goddamn fix. | ||
| Anyway, cigarettes are bad, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Very bad, okay? | ||
| You know what though? | ||
| What's interesting in California, I don't know if this is in all states, that they have changed cigarettes to go out by themselves now. | ||
| So if you don't hit it long enough, it will just go out because of the fires out here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So cigarette companies had to make something in the cigarette so if you don't hit it after a while, it will go out by itself. | ||
| And it just makes me, what is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That can't be good. | ||
| In doing something like that, man, they've... | ||
| Probably made it extra addictive along the way. | ||
| Oh, it's just, well, we can do that, but unfortunately it causes psychotic episodes that make you fucking mortgage your house for extra cigarettes. | ||
| You might start hoarding cigarettes. | ||
| You know, if they could figure out a way... | ||
| To put something in cigarettes that would make you completely insane and have this insane desire to collect cigarettes. | ||
| Could you imagine if that started happening? | ||
| You know how a lot of black dudes collect sneakers? | ||
| You go into their house, I got MTV Raps or MTV Cribs rather. | ||
| You go and they have a whole room filled with sneakers. | ||
| They're hiding their junk from somebody. | ||
| Their junk was touched or it's too big and they think they have a horse cock so they want you to look at their shoes. | ||
| What the fuck is he talking about? | ||
| He's like the chicks. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're just, for whatever reason, they're into collecting shoes. | ||
| What if people just started collecting cigarettes? | ||
| Like hoarding cigarettes. | ||
| Like roomfuls of cigarettes. | ||
| And cigarette companies were like, well, you know, we make a fantastic product. | ||
| We can't help it if people get excited about it. | ||
| They're just excited about our product. | ||
| And we found out that they had added something to cigarettes that make people want to hoard cigarettes. | ||
| They would totally do it. | ||
| If some fucking scientist came up with a formula where he could have a certain amount of chemicals... | ||
| And if you put those in cigarettes, and the people who smoke the cigarettes, they would have this insatiable desire to collect cigarettes and buy way more than they need. | ||
| You don't think they would put that in the cigarettes? | ||
| Of course they would. | ||
| Fuck yeah, they would do it. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| They sell shit that kills you. | ||
| They shit... | ||
| They don't... | ||
| It's not like they didn't know. | ||
| We didn't know cigarettes kill you. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| We're gonna stop. | ||
| We're sorry. | ||
| No. | ||
| Cigarettes kill 400 fucking million people every year, and no cigarette companies have even thought about slowing down. | ||
| And no politicians have ever thought about banning them. | ||
| You never hear a peep out of politicians. | ||
| All those faggots want to talk about fucking banning pot and, you know, we've got to stop marijuana and illegal drugs. | ||
| Meanwhile, cigarettes are killing way more people than everything else combined. | ||
| Cancer, AIDS, Fucking heroin, meth, coke, all that shit. | ||
| Pull it all together with alcohol. | ||
| It can't put a fucking dent, not a scratch, into what cigarettes kill every year. | ||
| If they could figure out a way to make you want to hoard cigarettes, for sure they would do it. | ||
| And the people hoarding it, they would give testimonials. | ||
| I don't have a problem with it. | ||
| I enjoy my cigarette collection. | ||
| When I go out into the garage and I look at all my... | ||
| I like the smell. | ||
| I get out there. | ||
| It's not like I'm smoking more. | ||
| I smoke the same amount. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People kind of do that with cigars. | |
| Three packs a day. | ||
| People kind of do that with cigars. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| They do do that with cigars. | ||
| But cigars are totally different. | ||
| They like to savor the taste and shit. | ||
| That shit makes no sense to me. | ||
| No, different cigars have different flavors, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They taste different. | |
| Yeah, but they all taste like shit to me. | ||
| It all tastes like you're sucking on a fucking... | ||
| I don't know... | ||
| A tree or something. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| I like cigars. | ||
| I think they taste good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you have a fat steak and a glass of wine, you get a nice Cuban cigar with a fucking good taste to it. | ||
| You know, it's just like you take it in and you get a good taste in your mouth. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Gives you a buzz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy fucking negative buzz. | |
| It's weird that you don't like splits then. | ||
| I don't like spliffs because you don't inhale cigars. | ||
| You don't have to inhale. | ||
| You put it in your mouth. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| If you're going to get high? | ||
| No, the science between getting high is that once it hits your mouth, it's immediately in your stream. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, they did a study where it showed people that used to think you're supposed to inhale it and hold it in as long as you can. | ||
| I guess suppose that you get 99% of the THC immediately when you suck it. | ||
| Twitter-verse, is this true? | ||
| Because if this is true, I will stop smoking weed from now on, and I'll just put it in my mouth. | ||
| I'll just put it in my mouth, take a deep breath, and then blow it out. | ||
| I always thought the people who were doing that were like Bill Clinton. | ||
| I always thought that. | ||
| Bill Clinton did not inhale, but it's because he was crafty. | ||
| He didn't know that he didn't have to inhale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He knows the science. | |
| He knows the science. | ||
| Whoa, is that real science? | ||
| It is science. | ||
| Is that real science, Twitter-verse? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| People are Googling right now. | ||
| I love Google. | ||
| We're going to Google right now. | ||
| You do not have to inhale marijuana to get high. | ||
| I have to inhale marijuana to get high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I always thought you had to hold it in for the long thing too. | |
| Wiki answers. | ||
| What if you do not inhale marijuana? | ||
| Answer. | ||
| No, it has to go in your lungs to get you high, meaning you have to inhale to get high. | ||
| Well, I'm not going to listen to this stupid fuck because this stupid fuck spelled high two different times and then wrote HAVE in capital letters. | ||
| Not very scientific, faggot. | ||
| Next try. | ||
| Here's your try. | ||
| Do you have to inhale when smoking weed? | ||
| Yahoo answers. | ||
| Uh, don't do it, best answer chosen by Asker. | ||
| You fucking dummy. | ||
| This is what the girl says. | ||
| Uh, don't do it, but if you must know, you have to keep the smoke in your lungs longer than you normally would a cigarette. | ||
| So you inhale it and then keep it in there for as long as you can, then exhale. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| This dumb cunt too. | ||
| Uh, don't do it. | ||
| Why, Alyssa? | ||
| Because you don't want to have fun? | ||
| Why should he not smoke the pot? | ||
| Because he doesn't want to be friendly? | ||
| Because he doesn't want to be more sensitive? | ||
| Because he doesn't want to tune into the universe more? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| Don't do it. | ||
| You can't tell me not to smoke pot, because I'm a goddamn comedian, and that's like telling a basketball player to not play with basketballs. | ||
| I can't find the answer to this shit. | ||
| Yeah, I forget where I read it. | ||
| I read it somewhere. | ||
| You read it the same place I read that gold is the same amount as weed. | ||
| I know. | ||
| No, because I was on your side where that's bullshit, and my girlfriend who's going to school for nursing, she's like, that's totally untrue. | ||
| And then she showed me all these studies, and I'm like, oh, okay. | ||
| It was a... | ||
| If she's watching, text me. | ||
| You need to fully inhale it to get high. | ||
| Take a big breath in. | ||
| See, these are people like fucking 18. You have to inhale weed in your lungs to get high. | ||
| It won't do anything. | ||
| Weed does not cause cancer. | ||
| Okay, this guy's got a cancer article. | ||
| We're not talking about cancer, you fuck! | ||
| Alright, we have no correct answer, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We tried. | ||
| We cannot find the answer to this. | ||
| Yahoo answers are all written by 16 year olds or 40 year old retards, one or the other. | ||
| This guy says he knows everything about cannabis. | ||
| More in 7 seconds. | ||
| Alright, these guys. | ||
| Yahoo answers. | ||
| Yeah, we looked at those Yahoo answers, man. | ||
| That doesn't mean shit. | ||
| It's something about your mouth. | ||
| It's filled with whatever the... | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Because you don't inhale tobacco smoke when you smoke a cigar and you get high as fuck. | ||
| You get really high from cigars. | ||
| Cigars give you a serious nicotine rush. | ||
| Like, woo! | ||
| Like a good one. | ||
| And if that happens, why wouldn't that happen with marijuana too? | ||
| You don't inhale the cigar smoke. | ||
| You take it in your mouth and then you blow it out. | ||
| You don't take a deep... | ||
| Head of it like you do with cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah, that's a tough Google search. | ||
| I'll have to just actually find that. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know. | ||
| We don't know, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It was a recent article, though. | ||
| It was about six months ago I read it. | ||
| Some people, weed is not for them. | ||
| That really is true. | ||
| You know, like, Stanhope doesn't like weed. | ||
| Stanhope hates weed, which doesn't make any sense, because he likes everything else. | ||
| But I think he probably got too high and he got paranoid. | ||
| He got too high once, yeah. | ||
| If you get too high, weed will fucking rock your world, man. | ||
| Shit makes you really... | ||
| The last UFC I was at, I was tripping my ass off. | ||
| I almost had to run out. | ||
| I was thinking, like, okay, I am just going to leave and go to my room and take a nap. | ||
| Because I was tripping too hard. | ||
| From weed. | ||
| Wow, this is just... | ||
| Rivalry says, opium trivia. | ||
| The term, are you hip, comes from opium dens. | ||
| You would lay on your side, on your hip, and smoke. | ||
| Hence the term, are you hip? | ||
| That kind of makes sense, because if you ever watch those old West movies where dudes are doing heroin, or opium, they are lying on their side. | ||
| Like, what was that movie where... | ||
| Wyatt Earp? | ||
| Was it Wyatt Earp? | ||
| One of those movies. | ||
| Buffalo Bill or Wyatt Earp. | ||
| I think it was... | ||
| I don't remember who the fuck played him. | ||
| Well, remember, um... | ||
| What was the movie where Doc Holliday? | ||
| The one where fucking... | ||
| Dennis Quaid played, um... | ||
| Dennis Quaid played Wyatt Earp and Val Kilmer played Doc Holliday. | ||
| He was the dopest Doc Holliday ever. | ||
| Before Val Kilmer just ate everything that existed. | ||
| Val Kilmer's all fat and fucked up now. | ||
| He was like, go back to Top Gun days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jack and Ripper? | |
| Tombstone. | ||
| Tombstone, that's it. | ||
| You go back to Val Kilmer in the old days, Val Kilmer was a handsome motherfucker. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you start hanging out with Tom Sizemore. | ||
| You know this whole weed thing? | ||
| We could just fucking... | ||
| Next time we're sober, we'll just try it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, okay, look at this. | ||
| It says, Red Band is right. | ||
| Arrowhead. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Robberies comes clean. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| You do not... | ||
| Read it to us. | ||
| Okay, here it is. | ||
| Mouth-smoking cannabis. | ||
| One of the primary health issues with cannabis is the effect of smoke on the lungs, while the risks from long-term cannabis smoking are not fully understood. | ||
| It is assumed by... | ||
| Before I do this, I will take this copy Mouth smoking is not as efficient as lung smoking and requires approximately three times the material for the same level of effect, but for some people, efficiency is not an issue. | ||
| I would say it's not an issue, you know, because weed's not that expensive. | ||
| We were talking about how it's worth a lot of money, but it's not that much. | ||
| I mean, one marijuana joint is like, what is it, like $10 or something like that, probably? | ||
| How much is a joint? | ||
| A joint, $10. | ||
| Right, $10. | ||
| But that's a California weed. | ||
| A joint will, for sure, fuck you out of your mind. | ||
| Half the joint. | ||
| Even if you smoke a lot, if you actually inhaled a full joint, you would be blitzkrieg. | ||
| California weed. | ||
| California weed. | ||
| So if you take California weed and you mouthfuck it, you could probably... | ||
| Get by on like two hits of California weed from a joint and you're gone. | ||
| And one of the things that you can do also is if you inhale it and you breathe it out your nose. | ||
| So you put it in your mouth and then you blow it out your nose. | ||
| But you're not inhaling it if it even increases it. | ||
| Alright, well let's post this up online just so everybody knows what the fuck we're reading. | ||
| Yeah, but I used to... | ||
| I remember... | ||
| There was somebody I used to know that would smoke. | ||
| She would only smoke with me, but she would say, I'm not going to inhale it, but I'll smoke it with you if it makes you feel better. | ||
| I'm like, ha ha ha, okay. | ||
| So, she would always get fucked up, and I'm like, wow, she's not stoned, but why is she acting so fucked up? | ||
| So I look back at it now, and she was fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I just put that shit up online. | ||
| So you can Twitter that. | ||
| And have a... | ||
| So now we learned something, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thanks, Rivalries. | ||
| Thanks, Rivalries. | ||
| Rivalries, you know a lot of drugs, motherfucker. | ||
| This is the dude, he runs the whole thing. | ||
| He owns a pool hall somewhere in Georgia. | ||
| I forget where it's from. | ||
| Make them Georgia, I believe. | ||
| But it's a pretty famous pool hall. | ||
| This guy owns it. | ||
| Why does he have the douche squad there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a bunch of dudes with the douche squad. | ||
| You know, some members of my board break off into little separate sects. | ||
| Like little gangs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little gangs. | |
| I don't know what they're doing. | ||
| If you've never been to my message board, I got the craziest message board. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck it happened. | ||
| I don't know what caused it. | ||
| But I've had this nutty message board since like 1998. And right now there is more than two and a half million posts on it. | ||
| I'll put it up online. | ||
| I started smoking when I was 15, Ray. | ||
| And anyway, this message board. | ||
| There's so much fucking nutty shit on that board. | ||
| That's how I met Brian. | ||
| I met Brian from the message board. | ||
| It's really got a life of its own. | ||
| I mean, it's got my name attached to it, and I pay for it to keep it running. | ||
| But there's like a bunch of different dudes who are cool people that I've met in real life. | ||
| Most of them that are the moderators on the board. | ||
| And, you know, it's anything fucked up in the world. | ||
| Anything weird, crazy, any nutty news... | ||
| If you're looking for a video, like I heard this is a crazy video out, my board is going to have it. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a crazy place. | |
| It's pretty nutty, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And on that note, it's fucking 536. That's two hours, two and a half hours. | ||
| We can't do more than two hours, folks. | ||
| It gets boring. | ||
| But, we are at the Addison, Texas Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| And I'm going to take a link right here, motherfucker. | ||
| And I'm going to open this bitch and I'm going to put that on Twitter so everybody knows what's up. | ||
| Almost sold out. | ||
| Yeah, it is very close to sold out. | ||
| Like all the shows. | ||
| What about Houston? | ||
| A lot of Houston people wondering if you're coming back to Houston. | ||
| Yeah, I'm coming back. | ||
| We're right now trying to figure out whether we're doing the improv or whether we're doing the House of Blues. | ||
| There was a problem with the House of Blues initially where they said the House of Blues could not seat everybody. | ||
| And I did not want to do a show where people have to stand. | ||
| And we talked about this before, that we went to the Doug Stanhope show when he was in LA, and I love Doug, but I fucking can't stand and just watch a show for an hour and a half. | ||
| It just hurts your feet, your back starts hurting, your neck gets cramped up, and then I realized, like, this is uncomfortable. | ||
| Like, sitting and watching a show is awesome, but standing and watching a show sucks. | ||
| It gets annoying. | ||
| I'm not a big fan of the House of Blues. | ||
| I just went through to see a concert last week, and I had a horrible experience with those fuckers. | ||
| With, um... | ||
| House of Blues. | ||
| Which one, though? | ||
| The one on Sunset. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| When you go through, they stamp your hands, they put wristbands on, they check your IDs, they scan the tickets, right? | ||
| So we went there and it was general admission. | ||
| We found a place that we wanted to sit and lean up against the wall. | ||
| It was perfect for the concert. | ||
| Halfway through the opening act or whatever, opening band, security grabs my girlfriend coming out of the bathroom and goes, where's your hand stamped? | ||
| She goes, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it washed off? | ||
| I have a wristband. | ||
| Here's my ticket. | ||
| He goes, no, your hand's not stamped. | ||
| You're out of here. | ||
| And she's like, what? | ||
| I have my ticket right here. | ||
| And he goes, I don't care. | ||
| You're supposed to have a hand stamp. | ||
| She goes, my boyfriend's right there. | ||
| And he goes, go get him. | ||
| And he's kicked out, too. | ||
| And it was like, what are you... | ||
| Okay, but that's just L.A. douchebags. | ||
| No, no, but then the manager got involved. | ||
| Right, but that has nothing to do with Houston, Texas. | ||
| Or even House of Blues as a company. | ||
| Yeah, it is House of Blues as a company. | ||
| No, it's just dickheads. | ||
| He's like, sorry, corporate policy. | ||
| You're supposed to get hand stamped. | ||
| I'm like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm in here. | ||
| I have tickets. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And the manager goes, I'm sorry, but let's go downstairs. | ||
| Let's get your hand stamped. | ||
| Let's figure this out together. | ||
| I'm like, the concert's on right now. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| It was just like the biggest, like, fucking corporate bullshit. | ||
| You know, that shit wouldn't happen at fucking Improv. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't have your hand stamped, but you have a ticket? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| So you think that that, so what happened then you think would not happen? | ||
| So you think that if we have a show at the House of Blues, people might get fucked? | ||
| My problem with the House of Blues, it's a corporate thing. | ||
| The whole not being able to bring cameras. | ||
| Did I have a great fucking time at all the House of Blues? | ||
| Yeah, well you have any time when you're in front of a good crowd of people, right? | ||
| Yeah, but that's one of the few venues where you guarantee that everything's going to run smoothly. | ||
| They get rid of douchebags in the audience. | ||
| You're not allowed to record your own set. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| Fans aren't allowed to bring cameras into the place, or they have to leave them at the box office. | ||
| Well, the problem with that is these motherfuckers want to stick cameras in your face while you're on stage and constantly record things and put them on YouTube. | ||
| They're going to do that regardless, though. | ||
| Very distracting. | ||
| They're going to do that regardless, though. | ||
| But it is annoying for them and for the bands and for different people who feel like they don't want their stuff pirated. | ||
| They're just protecting the artist. | ||
| That makes sense to me. | ||
| I agree, but it's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You had a bad experience, but I think you had isolated douchebags. | ||
| I mean, people that run the House of Blues in Vegas are fucking awesome. | ||
| Those people are super cool. | ||
| That's the one we go to the most. | ||
| House of Blues in San Diego... | ||
| But we also know it has a performance side, not a customer side. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I've never heard any complaints though. | ||
| If you guys have had complaints about the House of Blues, let a nigga know. | ||
| I need to hear that shit. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Dan Aykroyd's House of Blues in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun. | ||
| Deal fell through. | ||
| Gigantic fail. | ||
| Why did I read that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You fucking motherfucker. | ||
| House of Blues charges a buttload. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| They have a lot of built-in costs. | ||
| It costs... | ||
| I get paid the same amount to do a 300-seat room in Vegas as I do to do the House of Blues, which is like 900 seats, which is pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. | ||
| It's because they have all these built-in... | ||
| They have built-in costs connected to it. | ||
| They have built-in pockets. | ||
| Oh shit, built in pockets. | ||
| Yeah and their prices, that's another thing, the prices were ridiculous. | ||
| Like a Bud Light was six bucks or something like that. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it in most bars? | ||
| Bud Light? | ||
| Usually, I mean outside of Los Angeles, usually it's like three bucks, two bucks for a Bud Light. | ||
| Outside of Los Angeles? | ||
| Yeah, in Los Angeles under five dollars at least. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easily. | |
| Okay, well someone just fucking bitch slapped rivalries. | ||
| BBJ Jones says that shit we said about hip, the opium dens. | ||
| He says the actual is... | ||
| The answer of are you hip being opium dens lying on... | ||
| He says it's not true. | ||
| It says too ingenious, too convoluted, and too silly. | ||
| It's wiki44. | ||
| That's wiki. | ||
| This is just opinion. | ||
| Who cares about it? | ||
| There's often a great deal of uncertainty in tracking word origins since we have written word record to go on. | ||
| Phrase may have been in common use long before anybody wrote it down. | ||
| After all, one doesn't use slang phrases in most writing. | ||
| Such as newspapers, certain columnists accepted. | ||
| They should use slang in everything. | ||
| That's how we talk. | ||
| Why would we pretend to not talk the way we talk? | ||
| I always thought that writing professionally, when I write in my blogs, I write exactly the way I talk. | ||
| I wrote an open letter to Kellogg's, which more or less I did as a writing exercise. | ||
| I was writing every day for a month, the month my Spike TV special was being recorded, so I wrote my material out every day. | ||
| I wrote new blogs every day and I just needed shit to write about. | ||
| And one of them was this Kellogg's banning Michael Phelps because he smoked weed. | ||
| And because I wrote this open letter and I wrote it the way I talk with swears and just the way I normally talk. | ||
| People are like, yeah, they're going to read that open letter. | ||
| I didn't want them to read it, stupid. | ||
| I'm just writing. | ||
| You can read it or you don't read it. | ||
| But I'm not going to write something. | ||
| You have more impact. | ||
| They're going to listen. | ||
| They're going to listen to a fucking pothead comedian slash cage fighting commentator. | ||
| Kellogg's is going to make their Their decision is based on that. | ||
| No, it's for you guys. | ||
| It's for humor. | ||
| It's for entertainment. | ||
| Does the word hip really hail from a West African language? | ||
| It could be either or, though. | ||
| I mean, it could be that the original hip that Rivalry has talked about is right. | ||
| I mean, if there's no real... | ||
| If the origins of it are murky, it could be both. | ||
| It's not saying anything to discredit that. | ||
| Anyway, who gives a fuck? | ||
| Red Band is totally right about the cigars. | ||
| Oh, is he really? | ||
| He's totally right. | ||
| I am totally right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, it's a fucking taste thing. | ||
| I think cigarettes are disgusting, and you're sucking on them every day. | ||
| You wouldn't think they're disgusting if you smoked them for a week. | ||
| Yeah, you're totally right about that, too. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| If I was a junkie, I wouldn't think they're disgusting. | ||
| This guy had a shitty experience at the Anaheim House of Blues. | ||
| Same deal as Red Band except they had to make me re-stamp my hand and I lost my stool. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| That's what happened to me. | ||
| I lost my stool and I almost got in a fight with a bunch of Persians. | ||
| And the guy felt bad, his friend felt bad, and he kept on buying me bad tequila all night, and next thing I know, I was like six shots. | ||
| Don't be racist, bro. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, wait, isn't that what they're called? | ||
| They're Persians, man. | ||
| They're called Persians. | ||
| They're Iranians. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't want to be called Iranians. | ||
| They want to be called Persians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| They don't want to be confused with Irania here. | ||
| Talk about the fights at 110. It was fucking awesome! | ||
| Cain Velasquez, that guy's a legend. | ||
| He's going to go down in history. | ||
| It's like one of the greatest ever, I think. | ||
| That was just some stellar shit. | ||
| Cain Velasquez is going to be... | ||
| Him against Brock Lesnar is going to be insane. | ||
| I want to see him against Fedor, really. | ||
| I would love to see Cain Velasquez against Fedor. | ||
| I think every time Cain fights, he gets better. | ||
| You know, the heavyweight division is a motherfucker right now. | ||
| Shane Carwin versus Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar is going to fight the winner. | ||
| And, you know, who knows what the fuck is ever going to happen to Fedor. | ||
| If Fedor ever gets to the UFC, the fucking universe might collapse. | ||
| It might be insane. | ||
| Alright, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We've had a long-ass show. | ||
| It's 544. So that means, even with our downtime, we did like an hour and 20 minutes at least. | ||
| Maybe an hour and a half. | ||
| Love ya. | ||
| Thanks for tuning in. | ||
| Addison, Texas, this weekend. | ||
| Next week... | ||
| Where are we next week? | ||
| Oh, Canada. | ||
| I'm in Canada next week. | ||
| Shazam, bitches. | ||
| I'm in Toronto. | ||
| I'm in a couple other places. | ||
| I don't know where the fuck I am. | ||
| But we'll talk about that shit next week. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| I love you, bitches. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Alright, I gotta find out how to end this. | ||
| It would have been cooler if I figured out a way to say thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you. | |
| Shut up. |
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