Feb. 3, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:33:58
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
| Hi, everybody. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Hello! | ||
| Can they hear us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Hey, there we are, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Tardy, but here, nonetheless. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| It's like halfway through because the one on Ustream says 3 o'clock, and this one says... | ||
| And I said it 2 o'clock because I'm an idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
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But it's supposed to be 3 o'clock, so we figured we'll start... | |
| Somewhere around now. | ||
| It's all about checking out the Twitter, though, to find out when really shit's going on. | ||
| Well, that's ridiculous, Brian, because some people have lives, and they can't just be on the fucking Twitter all the time looking for you to do shit. | ||
| Have you met people that have their Twitter set up so when people twit, they automatically get, like, a text message? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's retarded. | |
| I know, people get mad at me sometimes. | ||
| Hey, man, you're tweeting too much, man. | ||
| It's blowing up my phone. | ||
| I have to take you off. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Why would you have... | ||
| I think maybe in the beginning it was almost like an instant message for people, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But really, that's just text messaging. | ||
| That's someone who you know, text messaging, but text messaging to all of their friends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then it got crazy, you know? | ||
| It's a strange way of communicating, man. | ||
| Twitter is one of the weirdest fucking inventions that the internet has ever spurned. | ||
|
unidentified
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Spurned. | |
| Spurned. | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| Spurned. | ||
| Give birth to. | ||
| Shit out. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's just, it's so simple. | ||
| Keep it to 140 characters so that, you know, you don't get too fucking verbose and stupid. | ||
| You learn how to edit your shit, you know? | ||
| You can't have these long run-on... | ||
| You ever read someone's blogs? | ||
| Even my own blogs ramble too much sometimes, but some people... | ||
| Your blogs are for smart people, like readers. | ||
| I have to be in a reader mode. | ||
| Most of the time, I'm in more of a video... | ||
| Me too! | ||
| I don't want to read people's bullshit. | ||
| I don't want to read anything like I write, but sometimes I do. | ||
| When I want to write it, I have to write it. | ||
| If I'm writing something, it's just because that's what I'm thinking about and I've been fucking with it and I've been rolling around in my head. | ||
| And they might not be correct. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Most of my ideas are just pure speculation. | ||
| But the only way to really be honest about it is to write it in a blog. | ||
| You can't tell people stuff like that. | ||
| You start talking to people about your theories and you sound like a nut. | ||
| At least if you write it down. | ||
| For whatever reason, it looks more thought out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| You know? | ||
| If you just tell people that you think that Technology is some sort of a symbiotic lifeform that's existing with us and eventually it's going to overcome us. | ||
| And then everybody's looking at it like we control it always, you know? | ||
| No, no, like those Terminator movies, those guys got it right. | ||
| Like that's like super possible. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I mean, no one wants to believe it, but if you look at how fucking chaotic human life is, and not really in America, you know, this is a pretty badass country, But if you watch documentaries on that Vice Squad Guide to Liberia, is that what it was? | ||
| What is the website? | ||
| Did we talk about that last week? | ||
| What was it about? | ||
| Those Vice TV guys? | ||
| Those guys that go to Liberia and talk about all the cannibalism and shit that's going on there? | ||
| It seems like you did. | ||
| I think we did talk about it. | ||
| If you haven't seen it, I'm going to find the link and throw it up anyway because it's so crazy. | ||
| There was a link also that you talked about last week that somebody said that you didn't... | ||
| Did you ever... | ||
| Which one? | ||
| They were like, this link's not working, and a lot of people were saying... | ||
| I forget what it was about, maybe the Lions, that you were talking about the Lions last week, that amped up. | ||
| Oh, yeah, really? | ||
| That was the wrong link? | ||
| Maybe it was that one. | ||
| There was a few. | ||
| I just remember... | ||
| Because somebody said that they saw it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Maybe they Googled it or something. | ||
| Yeah, maybe they were smart. | ||
| They were like, oh, maybe we should use Google. | ||
| If I'm talking about something, I'll give you the wrong link. | ||
| Let me know. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That is annoying when you're trying to figure out what it is. | ||
| Most of the time, Google works, though, pretty well. | ||
| Don't you feel like a little genius when you figure out where they fucked up, though? | ||
| You go back to the URL, and you go, oh, there's a space. | ||
| You've got to copy and paste the whole thing they put in your browser. | ||
| It's like you're going to solve a little puzzle. | ||
| That's for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, cool. | |
| That's a papaya kombucha. | ||
| Shit's good for you. | ||
| Or is it mango? | ||
| Papaya. | ||
| Papaya. | ||
| Keeping them real. | ||
| What's up, Twitter people? | ||
| The fuck's cracking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| How's life? | ||
| That lion shit was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, if you haven't seen what we're talking about with the lion shit, there was these gigantic lions that lived in Africa, and they got cut off from the rest of the continent, and they were stuck on an island. | ||
| They were like regular-sized lions at first, they presume, and because they were on the island with only water buffalo, Water buffalo are hard as fuck to kill, so these lions got gigantic. | ||
| They grew fucking huge from taking down water buffaloes. | ||
| It's really pretty fucking spooky stuff. | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| They looked like the Hulk. | ||
| They didn't look real. | ||
| Like those mice. | ||
| Yeah, those mice that have that myostatin thing, like those dogs, those whippets, when they do those experiments on them and they make them look like cartoons. | ||
| Have you ever seen that disease, I guess it would be, that makes you grow fast? | ||
| They just showed this woman that was 12 years old, but she looked like she was 62 and a smoker. | ||
| Yeah, it has to do with the fat in your skin. | ||
| It doesn't have to do with growing fast. | ||
| It has to do with the fat in your skin. | ||
| When you get older, one of the things that happens is the fat leaves your skin, and these people who are like 13 and 12, and little babies even, They have this disease where that's how their body starts treating it right away. | ||
| So their skin starts to behave like an old person's skin. | ||
| It was weird though. | ||
| I felt so bad for her. | ||
| Her mother had it too. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Super rare, though, so don't worry about it. | ||
| Yeah, but it's pretty freaky when you find diseases like that. | ||
| But this Liberia shit, man, if you haven't seen this, I have to throw this link up because it's one of the gnarliest fucking documentaries I've ever seen, ever. | ||
| And these guys, I think their show's called Vice Guide TV. Yeah, Vice Guide to Liberia. | ||
| I'm going to give you exactly... | ||
| Did you watch Lost last night? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Without giving any spoilers, what do you think? | ||
| No spoilers. | ||
| No spoilers. | ||
| I think I'm getting tired of it. | ||
| You are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you didn't find it exciting last night? | ||
| It was exciting, but I was like, come on. | ||
| You're just jumping back in time, and people are dead, but then they're not, and like, come on, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, really? | ||
| That's what's going on now? | ||
| Well, when that one thing was the one thing, and he was like, I'm sorry for being that thing, that was crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, I was like, god damn, this is comical. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was caricature-y. | ||
| You know what I really hated also is how many commercials there were. | ||
| There were, like, every three minutes there was a commercial. | ||
| In the future, hopefully, you could, like, go, all right, no, I don't want commercials. | ||
| I want pop-up ads on my TV, you know? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty nutty. | ||
| Because that was just, like, you were into it, out of it, into it, out of it. | ||
| Yeah, it is pretty nutty. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to watch it on DVR, and even then, you've got to fast-forward through them. | ||
| Commercials are a very inefficient way of reaching people because you're enjoying the shit out of them. | ||
| If you stuff enough shit down our throats, we'll eventually take it, but putting it on in the middle of shows and stuff like that... | ||
| What if you could go to a group once a month for 10 minutes and they just showed you a bunch of products and then they're like, no more advertising for you on the internet or for the TV just because you... | ||
| You know, you went to like a group meeting just so advertisers can sell their products to you in person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, this is Coke. | ||
| Here, taste it. | ||
| Yeah, alright. | ||
| So we won't advertise your TV anymore. | ||
| Well, I think maybe a better way would be to do it the way they do it in the movies, where they show you the ads first and then the movie. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to watch it. | ||
| That's your thing, though. | ||
| But still, it's like once the show begins, you shut the fuck up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you go to the movies, what you're conceding is that you give them money, so they're only going to annoy you in the beginning, and then they're going to stop annoying you. | ||
| They're going to let the thing play out in its full form, which is the most enjoyable way. | ||
| Wouldn't you appreciate any Coca-Cola or any one of those people? | ||
| Just stepped in and said, listen, we all know the TV shows are better when you let them play from the beginning to end. | ||
| You don't want to interrupt them with commercials all the time. | ||
| How about we'll do this? | ||
| We'll advertise in the beginning. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I hope you enjoy our product. | ||
| Hope you enjoy this movie. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| That's how it's supposed to be. | ||
| They got it nailed. | ||
| These movie guys got it nailed. | ||
| These TV guys are retarded. | ||
| Don't be putting shit on the middle of the fucking show, stupid. | ||
| It was dumb. | ||
| Yeah, and it was so bad last night that I was just like, really? | ||
| This is getting insane. | ||
| Every 15 minutes? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It wasn't even 15 minutes. | ||
| Maybe every hour, if you're going to have a two-hour show. | ||
| Every hour. | ||
| Throw on a few commercials. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It pretty much was one hour of show, one hour of commercials, but they billed it as a two-hour event. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, it's a lot of money, man. | ||
| It's a lot of money. | ||
| I wasn't, I don't, I really enjoyed the series up until now, especially early on. | ||
| I thought it was, it's like a really creative series, but I gotta admit that last night just seems kind of like hokey. | ||
| It's like, you know, the Chinese guy who doesn't like to, oh, I don't want to say anything, right? | ||
| No, yeah, you just gotta replace everything with blah blah. | ||
| Blah blah blah. | ||
| I'm not, no, no spoilers. | ||
| I don't want to give it away if you haven't seen it. | ||
| So, that's what I think. | ||
| It's still a great show. | ||
| Still, I mean, even though it seems hokey, it's still fun. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, the whole premise is hokey. | ||
| I mean, come on, it's silly. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's a suspension of disbelief show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Come on, you're jumping back in time with nuclear weapons. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You can just hit that thing and you go back in time. | ||
| Oh, okay, cool. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just utter nonsense. | ||
| I want to talk about it, but there's something I want to talk about. | ||
| I'm trying to censor it, but there's no way to do it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Well, did you enjoy it? | ||
| Yeah, I did, but I was so pissed off about the commercials that kind of upset me. | ||
| Brian gets very upset. | ||
| I like being in a world and not... | ||
| Imagine watching Avatar and every five minutes you've got to see a commercial. | ||
| No, you're absolutely right. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| There's got to be a better way to sell shit. | ||
| That's not the best way to sell shit. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| They think that just by conditioning people to be used to them interrupting it over and over again, that that's the best way. | ||
| Make us watch it in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, well, you're not going to watch it anyway then. | ||
| You have a webcam set up on top of your TV that detects if you're sitting there watching it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get excited for previews, man. | ||
| I get excited for the whole preview. | ||
| I don't know why, but I get excited. | ||
| I'm more amped up to see The Wolfman this year than I think like anything, man. | ||
| That looks awesome. | ||
| Can you do it? | ||
| That's going to be like a new gang sign. | ||
| Dude, do The Wolfman! | ||
| Dude, it looks sick. | ||
| It looks cool because it's like old school, the Wolfman. | ||
| And Rick Baker did all the makeup. | ||
| He's that dude who did Star Wars. | ||
| He's done everything. | ||
| He did an American Werewolf in London. | ||
| And this is like real old school makeup. | ||
| It's not like CGI. Parts are CGI. The transformation is CGI when it becomes the Wolfman. | ||
| But then it's like a dude in an outfit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And Rick Baker's the master of that shit. | ||
| When I was a little kid, I used to want to be a makeup artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I used to want to be one of those Hollywood guys that made masks. | ||
| Did you do the makeup of the guy on the hog video? | ||
| How dare you bring that up? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But I used to want to do like werewolf masks and shit and like special effects, movie special effects, mask stuff. | ||
| I thought that was the coolest shit ever. | ||
| I wanted to do that for a while, man. | ||
| I was a big fan of that guy, Rick Baker. | ||
| He's the dude. | ||
| He's doing this movie too, so this movie's going to be the shit. | ||
| Yeah, it looks good. | ||
| Fuck yeah, Benicio Del Toro's a badass actor. | ||
| There's probably a part where he sings like a Wolfman song or something like that. | ||
| Benicio Del Toro can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| That dude, you know, he's one of those dudes when he's playing like angry or crazy, like he goes so far, you would worry that he's going to like, you'd worry he's going to do something fucking crazy, you know? | ||
| When he's in a role, he's one of those dudes that's like, I always look forward to his movies. | ||
| Whatever it is, he knows how to do it. | ||
| Acting is such a tricky thing. | ||
| You know, isn't it like some actors you really look forward to seeing them in movies? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sissy Spacek. | ||
| Some dudes get, like, super obsessed with it. | ||
| How about, like, those guys? | ||
| Guys are, like, super obsessed with movies. | ||
| Movie trivia and shit. | ||
| You know what's really gay is that, gross, is that there's a John Travolta movie that's coming out where it's a love story, and it uses a cross-movie reference. | ||
| That's how bad it is. | ||
| He's, like, in Paris and goes, I always like a Royale with cheese. | ||
| And I'm like, oh. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was like, oh, that's gross! | ||
| John Travolta seems to be losing his mind. | ||
| I would love to talk to that guy. | ||
| How dare he ruin a character? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's not ruining it. | ||
| He's creating a new one. | ||
| I don't think he's ruining it. | ||
| You can't ruin it. | ||
| What it is is a slice of time. | ||
| You go back and you can see it. | ||
| That's as gross as commercials to me. | ||
| Well, he was good in that Pelham 123 movie. | ||
| If you didn't see that Pelham 123 movie, he was fucking good in it, man. | ||
| He plays a good psycho. | ||
| Tell you what I didn't like is The Hurt Locker. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Rent it on Amazon. | ||
| I already have it. | ||
| Oh, you already have it? | ||
| Yeah, I got it. | ||
| Everybody says it's the best movie ever. | ||
| It's so slow and boring. | ||
| It's like, hey, let's go to one mission. | ||
| Don't say any more. | ||
| No, this is really nothing. | ||
| Go to one mission. | ||
| Oh, let's go to another mission. | ||
| Oh, let's go to another mission. | ||
| That end. | ||
| Like, it's like, why am I watching this? | ||
| Like, I felt like I was just watching. | ||
| You know what I felt like that with? | ||
| No Country for Old Men. | ||
| Yeah, I never saw that. | ||
| No Country for Old Men is like, listen, I know what you're trying to do. | ||
| I know you're trying to be crafty. | ||
| I know you're trying to be unconventional. | ||
| But here's the deal. | ||
| When I go to movies, I want you to stick with the fucking framework, okay? | ||
| There's good guys and bad guys and maybe monsters, okay? | ||
| And at the end, good guys win. | ||
| Any questions? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Make your shit. | ||
| Okay, I like watching good guys win, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| I don't like watching people just drive off. | ||
| The whole thing's fake, alright? | ||
| Are you pretending that, well, in the real world, things don't turn out... | ||
| Well, this isn't the real world, stupid. | ||
| This is a goddamn fucking movie, and I want a good ending. | ||
| I want an interesting ending with a fucking conclusion. | ||
| Avatar, I've talked to so many people that have been in the military that are pissed off at that movie for killing... | ||
| What they say represents U.S. soldiers, but yet nowhere in there did they say they're like U.S. or anything. | ||
| They're just like an army, you know? | ||
| That's a good point, really, when you think about it. | ||
| Yeah, they're mad like, well, they say hoorah or whatever that... | ||
| Yeah, well, the one guy was a fucking Marine, but he was one of the blue guys. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| I can see it, but... | ||
| It's like, alright dude, calm down, they're smurfs, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but he's got a point, man. | ||
| You can see it that way because you're not a military person. | ||
| Right, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Especially a military person in the middle of two wars that they may not support. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are in the military That don't think we should be there anymore. | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| Yeah, but I think Avatar in general was just like... | ||
| It was like G.I. Joe. | ||
| It wasn't real U.S. Army troops. | ||
| There's no reason to get mad. | ||
| They're just an army. | ||
| They're representing like a space army or something. | ||
| It was so much in the future. | ||
| It was like a thousand years. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It was too human-like if you want to be real. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Predator. | ||
| I don't see anyone getting mad at Predator. | ||
| Yeah, but could you imagine, though, for real, if... | ||
| If there was such a planet and there was such a mineral and there were mercenaries who were going to that planet If it wasn't broadcast to us, we don't know what the fuck is going on in Afghanistan every day. | ||
| We don't know about these crazy drones that are firing missiles into Pakistan. | ||
| I mean, this is real stuff that's on the news. | ||
| It seems like science fiction. | ||
| This is going on every day in other parts of the world. | ||
| And that ain't that much different, man. | ||
| It ain't that much different. | ||
| It's people that don't know people jacking people for their shit. | ||
| And that's what's going on right now, and that's what was going on in the movie. | ||
| It's not that unrealistic. | ||
| You know? | ||
| In fact, it might be generous. | ||
| The idea that they would go so far as to make artificial ones to try to be friends with them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| More like kill them. | ||
| More like kill them. | ||
| I mean, that's what people do. | ||
| I mean, that movie painted a much more, a much brighter picture of humanity than the real humanity. | ||
| The real humanity, we're not making like Arab clones and we're operating them with remote control to go in and infiltrate the Taliban and go, hey guys, like, what's wrong with being American? | ||
| Maybe we can all be cool. | ||
| You know? | ||
| If the United States government had that kind of insight and innovation into the human body, could you imagine the kind of shit that they would do? | ||
| They would just make billions and billions of Republicans. | ||
| They would just start cloning Republicans and making them. | ||
| And operating with remote control. | ||
| Republican girls fucking all the important guys. | ||
| Getting all their deals passed. | ||
| That's what they would do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you're doing? | |
| You're shaking your poops. | ||
| I'm a really hot Republican robot girl. | ||
| That's what they would do, man. | ||
| That's an avatar for the real life. | ||
| We're not that nice, okay? | ||
| We're not going to make fake Arabs. | ||
| It's not going to happen. | ||
| Or fake whoever the fuck we're fighting. | ||
| We're going to figure out a reason to convince everybody on this side that those people are evil. | ||
| That's what we've always done. | ||
| Those people are evil, and then we jack them. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, it's fucking amazing that the same game can go on for so long. | ||
| And in this age of information, it can still be passed off as the important thing to do. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The important thing to do at a certain point... | ||
| It's to try to fucking help everybody. | ||
| Try to get all these countries to chill the fuck out. | ||
| But that's never going to happen, man. | ||
| Because they live in somewhere that sucks. | ||
| And when you live somewhere that really sucks, there's a lot of goddamn conflict. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's just a fact. | ||
| They got a terrible fucking roll of the dice. | ||
| And they're living in a part of the world that stuck hundreds and hundreds of years ago. | ||
| They've got technology, but they've got chaos and... | ||
| It's just a mess. | ||
| They've been fighting forever. | ||
| They've been fighting forever over there, man. | ||
| I mean, that's what they do. | ||
| That's what these fucking people do. | ||
| In the Middle East, war has been going on in the Middle East for so long. | ||
| You talk to Israelis, dudes who live in Israel, Ari talks about it all the time. | ||
| Those motherfuckers are hard. | ||
| Those people are different. | ||
| Those people are experiencing war on a daily basis, man. | ||
| That's like a part of their culture, almost. | ||
| It's like this conflict is going on for so fucking long over there. | ||
| And it's almost impossible to see a way without evolving, without evolving as a species. | ||
| It's almost impossible to see a way it's going to end. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| It doesn't show any sign of letting up. | ||
| If you looked at it as a wave, and you see the wave bouncing back and forth, it doesn't seem like it's going away. | ||
| It seems like there's always some bullshit going down. | ||
| There's always, this motherfucker is mad at that motherfucker, and he's gonna launch bombs, and da-da-da. | ||
| It just, it seems like it takes a little time off, and then it bounces right back, and Palestine wants their land back, and da-da-da, and the settlers, and oh shit, someone got run over by a tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da-da-da-da. | |
| You know, it's like, it's always there. | ||
| This spring, back-and-forth violent tension is always there. | ||
| And it's like, something's gotta be done at the core of that shit. | ||
| Something's got to be done unless you're... | ||
| I mean, unless that's what people really want. | ||
| Unless people, what they really want is conflict. | ||
| I mean, that's just human nature, you know? | ||
| It's possible, right? | ||
| So Avatar is nicer than people. | ||
| Bring it back around. | ||
| Avatar is nicer than people. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I don't think we would make fake people to deal with our enemies. | ||
| We would fucking kill them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So for people that say that that's, oh, you're going to pinch people in a bad light. | |
| Mercenaries, man? | ||
| That's a crazy job. | ||
| Those guys are space mercenaries, motherfucker. | ||
| Don't you play Doom? | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Those dudes are serious. | ||
| Space mercenaries... | ||
| That's an excellent character if you're playing Quake 3. You know, he'd be a space marine. | ||
| Fuck yeah, bitch! | ||
| Tough characters. | ||
| So I have an eight-year-old poll that was revisited recently. | ||
| It was about pooping, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Poop standing or poop sitting. | ||
| Or wiping. | ||
| This is a fascinating subject. | ||
| It's pretty funny, though. | ||
| It's gained popularity again. | ||
| Do you wipe standing up or sitting down? | ||
| You know how I wipe, motherfucker. | ||
| We've talked about this. | ||
| I know, but I don't think we've talked on this. | ||
| I stand up to wipes so I can get a good goddamn wipe in. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| I was using those flushable wipes to keep my butt nice and fresh and tidy. | ||
| You got 50-50 it, man. | ||
| Those aren't good, man. | ||
| You got 50-50 it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Even if you're 50-50 it, the problem with those wipes is you can't really flush them. | ||
| They're not flushable. | ||
| They're real flushable. | ||
| They call them flushable, but I've had a porridge in my house twice. | ||
| That's how stupid I am. | ||
| Those bitches, they pack up in your pipes. | ||
| You can't flush them. | ||
| How many are you using? | ||
| Like 15? | ||
| I wet my ass a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I take a lot of shit. | |
| But you can't do that. | ||
| So then, the only other option is... | ||
| You have to either have a bidet, which I have, but I've never used. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do? | |
| Why don't you use it? | ||
| I would totally love one of those. | ||
| Well, because I'm an American. | ||
| I think it's great. | ||
| It's like, hey. | ||
| As an American, I want to faucet up my butthole. | ||
| It doesn't even look remotely comfortable. | ||
| Or inviting. | ||
| French are so hard. | ||
| Whoever the fuck invented that, that ass cleaning machine, they're hard people, man. | ||
| Because that thing is just like polished. | ||
| It's white and there's like steel and chrome. | ||
| It doesn't look like anywhere you want to put your asshole. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's not like warm and soft and inviting. | ||
| Place your asshole here. | ||
| We'll clean it off for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| No, it looks like metal and fucking... | ||
| It's 2010. You need a better way to clean my asshole with a machine than this stupid little monster-looking thing. | ||
| It looks like a torture contraption. | ||
| It looks like a faucet. | ||
| It looks like someone's going to shove that other stick right up your asshole and you turn it on and water goes inside your body or something. | ||
| I mean, that's what it looks like. | ||
| They should just make, like, a robot Asian face head that just eats your ass. | ||
| Like, you put your ass up and they clean it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just, like, lean your butt against it and they're like, yeah, clean it! | |
| It looks like Lucy Liu or something. | ||
| What about for girls though? | ||
| We need something for girls. | ||
| Would it be a black guy? | ||
| They could use the same one. | ||
| Would they use the Asian girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| They would love it. | ||
| They wouldn't want to do that. | ||
| That's a dirty bitch that cleans their husband's asshole. | ||
| I guarantee if there was an asshole cleaning machine and it was a woman's face, like a really hot Asian woman, your wife would want her own asshole cleaning machine right next to it. | ||
| It would be Magic Johnson. | ||
| Or you send a picture, a photo to the manufacturer of your father, and they send back the father. | ||
| Could you imagine if you could do that? | ||
| I mean, why can't you do that soon in the future? | ||
| I guarantee you, in the future, there's going to be toilet seats that look like celebrities, and they can eat your asshole. | ||
| It's Julia Roberts! | ||
| Please, somebody Twitter this down. | ||
| That this is the future. | ||
| Because we're going to forget this. | ||
| Twitter me this, please. | ||
| Toilet seats that look like celebrities and they clean your asshole. | ||
| That is the future. | ||
| Genetic. | ||
| They're so close to replicating different parts of human beings. | ||
| They created a woman's bladder. | ||
| They took her bladder and they've used stem cells. | ||
| They took a piece of her bladder and they created a big bladder for her. | ||
| They're doing incredible things now. | ||
| That's going to be able to happen. | ||
| You're going to be able to have Puff Daddy in your asshole. | ||
| It's going to look like those wax figures. | ||
| Yes, except it's going to feel like flesh. | ||
| And they're going to have emotions. | ||
| And all he wants to do is lick your asshole. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, but they have emotions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes they will cry and be sad while they're doing it. | |
| It's just Julia Roberts' face going... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Who would you have if you had the ability to buy any celebrity? | ||
| Megan Fox. | ||
| But as a gag gif, I would get my friends like, hey, I got you at Brad Pitt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| That would be brutal, though, if, like, what if your friends really like... | ||
| It's not even a real person, bro. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I want my asshole clean. | ||
| I like getting my asshole look. | ||
| What do you give a shit? | ||
| It's not even a real guy. | ||
| Because it's a guy's image. | ||
| A guy's image is eating your ass. | ||
| Who would you do? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'd have to think about that. | ||
| I would go right for Megan Fox, but I would also have, like, a different one for special occasions. | ||
| Maybe I'd go with, like, Tracy Lord's right when she became legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was thinking Tracy Chapman! | |
| I was thinking of the violin player from Dave Matthews. | ||
| I met her on a VH1 thing. | ||
| They did a bunch of shows called The List. | ||
| And I got to sit down with Rob Halford from Judas Priest. | ||
| He was one of the guests. | ||
| Meat Loaf was one of the guests. | ||
| And I hosted it, and she was on it too. | ||
| She was one of the guests. | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| She seems like a normal human. | ||
| But she was so super hot, man, when she was young. | ||
| Not that she's not super hot now. | ||
| It's pretty hot now, but god damn. | ||
| When she was young, it was just ridiculous. | ||
| She got into porn at like 16 and lied about her age. | ||
| They're all illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've never seen one or have one on my computer ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it should be illegal. | ||
| I totally understand. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| There's plenty of porn out there. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Back then, though, the 70s looked like an old lady. | ||
| You look back at 70s videos, those kids don't look like kids. | ||
| They look like older women, like cougars or something like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think? | |
| Like their hair and their makeup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did dress crazy. | ||
| But it's so fascinating, man. | ||
| Those old porns are fascinating. | ||
| Bella Donna. | ||
| You like that one? | ||
| I like her. | ||
| She's Ari's favorite too, I think. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I just like her because she's like real. | ||
| She's like, hey, look, here's a picture of my butthole. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Very real. | ||
| Yeah, she'll shock you with her twitters. | ||
| Yeah, she's got great twitters. | ||
| If you don't follow her, it's Bella Donna. | ||
| Yeah, she's like, not safe for work, and you click on it. | ||
| And it's a gaping butthole with cum dribbling out of it. | ||
| You're like, yeah, kind of. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that's kind of not safe for work. | ||
| Talk about, you know, understatement of the year award. | ||
| You know, like, hey, hold on. | ||
| If you don't want to see a gaping butthole, dot, dot, dot. | ||
| It's funny because she was doing an asshole movie and so she was like practicing all week. | ||
| And she's like, I got to practice more. | ||
| And there's like a fist up her ass. | ||
| God bless her. | ||
| God bless you girl. | ||
| Keep going with it. | ||
| Enjoy. | ||
| So uh... | ||
| 3D porn coming soon. | ||
| It is coming soon, man. | ||
| I was at the Sony store. | ||
| There's a Sony store at the mall, and they have a 3D TV. And you put glasses on, and you turn them on with a button, and it's just like watching Avatar in 3D. It's fucking insane! | ||
| They had sports on, they had soccer, and the soccer ball's fucking flying by you. | ||
| I mean, it's really wicked. | ||
| It's just so much more immersive. | ||
| It's really, really cool. | ||
| And that's going to be on TV soon, man. | ||
| It's coming out this summer in 2010. They're going to have the first units out. | ||
| And then it's going to just explode. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| They're going to be filming shit in 3D! Everything's going to be in 3D. Hey, I got something to add to the old crop dusting theory. | ||
| I was thinking of this the other day. | ||
| The crop dusting pot on people? | ||
| Farts? | ||
| Shit, chemtrails. | ||
| Oh, chemtrails. | ||
| I got something I did the whole chemtrails discussing I thought of the other night. | ||
| So, if you're going to spray this shit over cities, where people are going to be like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| Wouldn't you do it at night? | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I would do that. | ||
| Hey, should we do it when everyone can see it and is awake? | ||
| Or should we do it at 3 in the morning? | ||
| Well, that's part of the evil Orwell plan. | ||
| The evil plan is that they sprayed right above them. | ||
| They willingly allowed these politicians to control them with a spray from the sky. | ||
| You know who really, really, really believes that shit? | ||
| It's Prince. | ||
| Prince is like crazy by chemtrails. | ||
| He was like, you know, it was so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We would all be in the ghetto, and everybody would be playing and having a good time. | |
| And then they'd start spraying that shit over our heads, and all of a sudden, everybody was fighting. | ||
| Like, why are we fighting? | ||
| What's it about? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| The fuck are you talking about? | ||
| People always fight. | ||
| There's always violence. | ||
| Are you insane? | ||
| Any place where people are poor, people are violent. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You really think that they're spraying shit from the sky that's making people in poor communities be violent? | ||
| Wowza. | ||
| People believe some nutty shit. | ||
| Can you imagine being stuck in an elevator with Prince? | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| I would love to just be in that guy's presence and just talk to him. | ||
| A fascinating dude. | ||
| But sometimes... | ||
| Even dudes who are geniuses at anything, whether it's playing chess or being a martial artist, sometimes there's something wrong with them to get them there. | ||
| There's something about getting really amazing at something. | ||
| People that are the very, very best at something, they're almost all crazy. | ||
| It's really hard not to be, you know? | ||
| Could you imagine if you were the best in the world, like a Lance Armstrong type dude? | ||
| How's that dude not fucking crazy? | ||
| And then he made pancakes. | ||
| Just thought of your pancake story. | ||
| What pancake story is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
About waking up in the morning, making a devil's pancakes. | |
| Oh, that story? | ||
| Yeah, I can't tell you that story. | ||
| That would be so rude. | ||
| Yeah, that would be so rude. | ||
| Personal story, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Protect my friends. | ||
| Who is Joe Rogan? | ||
| Who are you, man? | ||
| How dare you, Todd Jones? | ||
| Who am I? Yeah, man. | ||
| Who? | ||
| No, maybe that seems like thinking deep style. | ||
| No, I ain't thinking deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is Joe Rogan? | |
| He ain't thinking deep. | ||
| He's being mean to me. | ||
| I don't know you either, man! | ||
| Fuck you, man! | ||
| But if you ask that same question to John Malkovich, you'd be like, who is John Malkovich? | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Like, you would really look at that different product. | ||
| I gotta reboot this up. | ||
| My shit is whack. | ||
| Dude, how awesome is that Dana White's playing all the Pride shit on Spike TV? Dude, the Pride is so much fun. | ||
| That is awesome, man. | ||
| I've been addicted to it. | ||
| They're so much fun. | ||
| I showed Brian the... | ||
| The difference between the rules. | ||
| Brian was the one I talked about in my blog, where when the dude tried to stomp the dude, he went, he could do that! | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Yeah, I was really stoned and no one pre-warned me. | ||
| The next thing I know, this guy's like stomping this guy's brain and I'm like, whoa, whoa, is he trying to kill the guy? | ||
| It was pretty fucked up. | ||
| It was pretty fucked up. | ||
| It's like when you watch those Pride fights, they were pretty fucked up. | ||
| It's like old school UFC. Yeah, but there's something about the way they did it, man. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I love the fact that they did 10 minute rounds. | ||
| The first round is 10 minutes. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, and everybody says, no, bullshit, because it's too hard on the fighters. | ||
| I don't necessarily know if that's true. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of times where a momentum is being established, and it's being established, and you would like to see where it goes. | ||
| You don't want to see them, like, fuel up and have some water in the corner. | ||
| I want to see where it goes from there. | ||
| If a dude works for, like, four minutes, I think that's what the best guys would want. | ||
| The best guys would want to see that. | ||
| They would want to see a big-ass 10-minute round. | ||
| In the interest of the safety of the fighters, though, they're going to take less damage in a five-minute round. | ||
| That's why I accept it. | ||
| I accept the unified rules because if you look at it, like, in terms of, like, what's going to be the most palatable for the American public, yeah, that's the most palatable. | ||
| Five-minute rounds, you know, five rounds for championship fights. | ||
| I totally agree with all that stuff. | ||
| The only thing... | ||
| Sometimes I think that I would substitute knees on the ground for elbows. | ||
| I think knees from that position when you're holding on to a guy and you can knee him in the face... | ||
| Elbows on the ground cut the shit out of dudes. | ||
| And sometimes they fuck up fights. | ||
| They'll end a fight early that was a really good fight and it's because of a cut. | ||
| Usually that doesn't happen. | ||
| The UFC is so much better about that than boxing though. | ||
| Boxing, any kind of a bad cut, and they'll stop the fight right away. | ||
| UFC let Stefan Struve fight, and he had like a hatchet wound in his head. | ||
| I mean, it was a giant cut. | ||
| It was a giant cut. | ||
| And they let the fight go, and he eventually got the dude down and choked him out. | ||
| And it was an incredible fight. | ||
| I mean, he was busted wide open, covered with blood. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And after it was over, the guy was so dizzy, he had lost so much blood, he could barely talk to me. | ||
| I was talking to him after the fight. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| They would never let that happen in a boxing match. | ||
| I think it was kind of crazy that that fight took place in Germany. | ||
| Because the Germans were kind of reluctant to have the UFC there. | ||
| And then I was thinking, wow, this is one of the bloodiest fights ever. | ||
| This is where it's going to take place. | ||
| A place where they're apprehensive about it. | ||
| Apparently a bunch of German dudes came down to see the UFC in Vegas. | ||
| And they didn't like it. | ||
| They thought it was... | ||
| Horrific and violent. | ||
| It's kind of like pink spinning with the water. | ||
| Did you see that on the Grammys? | ||
| Dude, that girl's so talented. | ||
| That's pretty amazing, though. | ||
| She's very talented, man. | ||
| She's something about her performance charisma. | ||
| When she walks on stage, you have to step back. | ||
| She's got it. | ||
| Whatever it is, she's got it. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| She's like... | ||
| There's something about just the way that she just walks on stage and sings so confidently and so calmly, like her energy. | ||
| It's like, that's a girl that's like born to perform. | ||
| That bitch can perform her fucking ass off. | ||
| And then when she goes up in the air, you're going to go, oh, well, the other ones are going to do the acrobatics. | ||
| She ain't going to do shit. | ||
| She's just going to kind of like get lifted up. | ||
| No, she gets all fucking crazy. | ||
| And she's like in this half-naked outfit. | ||
| And she's dunked in water. | ||
| And she's spinning around. | ||
| And then she turns up. | ||
| She's spinning with her head down. | ||
| And she's singing at the same time. | ||
| That's the baddest bitch in music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Period. | |
| Everybody else, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| Pink just owned all those bitches. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Lady Gaga, sit the fuck down. | ||
| Did you not see what happened? | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| If you can't, shut up. | ||
| Lady Gaga was pretty good, too. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| That fucking Poker Face song made me want to punch holes through walls. | ||
| I like Lady Gaga for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why. | |
| You can like it all you want, fella. | ||
| That's not my cup of tea. | ||
| My, my, my, my, Poker Face. | ||
| I love chick songs. | ||
| I love when chicks sing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People get in my car and they think it's a joke. | ||
| Dude, you gotta get this CD. Le Tigre. | ||
| L-E space. | ||
| Somebody else told me that, too. | ||
| I think maybe I told you already. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| T-I-G-R-E. I think someone told me that on Twitter recently, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fucking jam, man. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| They're like punk chicks. | ||
| Punk chicks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude, I'm all over that. | ||
| Tigra. | ||
| I love chicks with great voices. | ||
| People would get in my car and I have Sheryl Crow on and they would think it was a joke. | ||
| I'm like, what are you joking? | ||
| I'm like, no, I like this song. | ||
| It's a good CD. It is. | ||
| Her voice is comforting. | ||
| Her voice makes you feel like you're going to cuddle up in the corner in front of the fire. | ||
| Sarah McLachan. | ||
| She's giving you a big hug with her voice. | ||
| It's French for the tiger. | ||
| What happened to the Breeders? | ||
| The what? | ||
| The Breeders, remember them? | ||
| The ones that had a big song in the 90s. | ||
| I mean Last Splash. | ||
| They were like big and then they just went away. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's really hard to keep a musical band together. | ||
| I know Eddie has a hard time keeping... | ||
| He does a bunch of different projects all at the same time, so he doesn't ever have to rely on any one person. | ||
| And he runs all of them. | ||
| It's got to be super hard to keep a bunch of people who are wanting to be stars and wanting to... | ||
| You just can't wait to get rich and get nutty and fucking lose their marbles and think that they're the reason why this band's there in the first place. | ||
| And how many arguments like that happen in bands? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all nuts. | ||
| They all want to be the alpha. | ||
| It's so very rare that a band like a Foo Fighters band or something like that could really come together and just be this badass band and keep it together and make good music. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| It seems like bands are good for a couple of CDs, and then it just gets rough for most of them. | ||
| The rare few can just keep jamming on. | ||
| The rare few, like the Rolling Stones, just keep it together forever. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| The crazy thing about the Rolling Stones is they're going out like a young rock band. | ||
| Mick Jagger still bounces around on stage and yelling and shit. | ||
| He's in incredible shape. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's the amazing thing about how the Stones are doing it. | ||
| It's not like he's just, you know, decided in his later years he's just going to stand there and sing the song. | ||
| He's still fucking running around. | ||
| He still takes his shirt off and shit. | ||
| He looks like a monster, you know? | ||
| He looks like a bunch of knees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like he just glued a bunch of knees like put the fucking lotion in the basket guy. | ||
| Yeah, it's hilarious, man. | ||
| But he's got like a six-pack and shit, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The dude has to be in like insane shape to do that act. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| Mick Jagger's still keeping it out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what's his name? | ||
| Springsteen and all those guys. | ||
| Springsteen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's still out there doing crazy four-hour concerts and shit. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| Those guys have people that love them. | ||
| There's people that have fans, and then there's people like Bruce Springsteen that have people that worship him and live for the fact that Bruce Springsteen is alive. | ||
| And their whole day revolves around Springsteen. | ||
| And they probably post on a message board somewhere. | ||
| And their message board name is probably like B Springsteen or something like that, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Or some obscure nickname that they know that Bruce Springsteen had when he was younger that they dropped after a while, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You know, the fucking, the Long Island Expressway, whatever the fuck it would be, you know, whatever they would call him. | ||
| People get nutty, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| People get nutty about people. | ||
| Especially Jersey guys. | ||
| He's from fucking Jersey. | ||
| Bruce Pinks, he's from Jersey. | ||
| Still lives in Jersey. | ||
| He loves Jersey. | ||
| They get fucking crazy, man. | ||
| Jersey people are so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're savages. | |
| They're savages. | ||
| That's where I was born, by the way. | ||
| Don't get angry. | ||
| I'm talking about me. | ||
| I just saw Kitchen Nightmares that was in Jersey, and the whole family was just out of their minds. | ||
| Dude, they're some of the toughest guys that fight in the UFC or from Jersey. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Frankie Edgar, Jim Miller, Dan Miller. | ||
| Those guys are all Jersey guys. | ||
| They're fucking savages. | ||
| They're different kinds of dudes. | ||
| They will fight you. | ||
| They will fucking punch you in the head. | ||
| It's a totally different type of human being than the average dude that grows up in California. | ||
| People are so much more relaxed in California. | ||
| So much friendlier, so much nicer. | ||
| Jersey people will punch you in your fucking head. | ||
| It's not all of them, you know? | ||
| And they're not bad guys. | ||
| They're not mean. | ||
| There's a level of tension in certain towns. | ||
| Philly's another one. | ||
| There's a level of tension in Philly, you know, that the dudes who come out of there are You know, so many badasses come out of Philadelphia. | ||
| Boxers. | ||
| Joe Frazier came out of Philadelphia. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins came out of Philadelphia. | ||
| In MMA, you got Eddie Alvarez comes out of Philadelphia. | ||
| I mean, Philadelphia's filled with fucking animals. | ||
| You know, that's a crazy-ass tough town. | ||
| It's weird how there's towns like that, isn't it? | ||
| There's certain towns that just have, like, you know, no one thinks of, like, San Francisco as being, like, aggressive, you know? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, it's like kind of a relaxed town. | ||
| You'd almost feel like if you got mugged in San Francisco, you're a pussy. | ||
| But no, there's like regular people in San Francisco. | ||
| There's violence there too. | ||
| But some places it's just way more violent, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Columbus? | ||
| You grew up in Columbus, Ohio? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did people get tense in the winter? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| But the worst is Cleveland. | ||
| Cleveland's getting bad. | ||
| But Michigan, driving through Michigan to go to the casinos, that was scary. | ||
| Cars on fire and houses. | ||
| They got bears walking through Detroit. | ||
| They spotted bears in the city of Detroit. | ||
| There's so many abandoned houses that bears are starting to move back around. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Bears in Detroit. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's some spooky shit, man. | ||
| That's like one of my bits. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| That's like the bit I have about the dumb people outbreeding the smart people. | ||
| The smart people die off and everything shuts down and then the dumb people are stuck there. | ||
| But in this case, it's poor, unfortunate people that were actually born in this one town. | ||
| It's happening so fast. | ||
| Detroit is falling apart at this insane rate. | ||
| And it's not getting any better. | ||
| They say that it's over 50% joblessness in Detroit because they report like 20-something percent, but the rest of them are just people who have stopped counting them after like a year. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| It's scary, you know? | ||
| We used to make the coolest fucking cars ever. | ||
| If you compare just on a coolness factor... | ||
| Like some of the cars that America was making in like 1969 and then like Alfa Romeo. | ||
| Those gay looking pieces of shit. | ||
| Those goofy looking clunk boxes. | ||
| Take a 1967 Corvette over all those bitches. | ||
| You know, America was making some radical fucking cars, man. | ||
| They're still making pretty good cars. | ||
| JK just got news today that she has two recalls on her Toyota. | ||
| And she's like, holy shit, I have one of these cars! | ||
| And she's like, what am I supposed to do? | ||
| And they're like, well, you know, just drive careful and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| And she's like, whoa! | ||
| The floor mats get stuck on the gap. | ||
| They're not even saying that. | ||
| There's some people that are saying that whatever programming is... | ||
| Steve Wozniak said that he's figured out that it's a software error. | ||
| Oh my. | ||
| And so now we're thinking, wait, our cars would go crazy over software now? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You got PC in your car now, it's got a virus, and now I can control your car and lock the doors? | ||
| Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. | ||
| Somebody could Bluetooth your fucking car. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They could hack your car. | ||
| They could drive up right next to you, they could hack your car. | ||
| Lock the doors like Mission Impossible style. | ||
| Shut off the brakes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder what the fuck they can do to stop shit like that from happening. | ||
| Dude, that's craziness. | ||
| I didn't even think about that. | ||
| And did you hear that 911 call of the people that were in one of the cars that led to the recall? | ||
| There's a 911 call that you can listen to where the guy's like, Hi, we're going down the freeway. | ||
| We're going about 120. Our brakes aren't working. | ||
| We can't turn off the car. | ||
| And we're going towards the end of the freeway. | ||
| And we're going through an intersection. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Family of four or something like that. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| All because of this Toyota bullshit. | ||
| I don't even want to hear about this, man. | ||
| That's scary as fuck, man. | ||
| Check out Google 911 call Toyota recall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Well, I have a Lexus. | ||
| I mean, Lexus is made by Toyota. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think actually it was a Lexus that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| Have you checked to see if your car's on a recall list? | ||
| No. | ||
| You better do it right now. | ||
| Jessica just did today two. | ||
| Two recalls on her car. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| You're doing it with Lexuses too? | ||
| And the Lexus was the one that was in that car accident. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Here, let's Google that. | ||
| Lexus recall. | ||
| 911 call Toyota. | ||
| Toyota Lexus. | ||
| It's a matte recall. | ||
| It's a matte. | ||
| They're not saying anything about a software thing. | ||
| No, Steve Wozniak is saying that. | ||
| Pull up the link where Wozniak said that about a software thing. | ||
| It was on Engadget yesterday. | ||
| Let's post it up for people because this is kind of important. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Otherwise we could get in trouble. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Not really, but okay. | ||
| Can we not for saying that he said that if he didn't? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We could say he fucking says he likes to suck cock, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| How do you guys say that? | ||
| See, you just made something up about him. | ||
| You can't be saying that. | ||
| I didn't make that up. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| I'm talking about Steve Wozniak, my dog. | ||
| Is it your dog? | ||
| You guys tight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know, boo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dog. | |
| Have you seen that they added multi-touch to that new Google phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like an iPhone. | ||
| It does the same thing. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's about time. | ||
| Now, nobody owns the right to do that. | ||
| Nobody owns that. | ||
| Supposedly, Apple had the U.S. patent on it. | ||
| So what, are they selling it to all these people? | ||
| Probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I don't know if that's all speculation. | |
| Actually, it's probably Gizmodo that had it. | ||
| You can't find it, you motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch Google it. | |
| It's just Gizmo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it, bitch! | |
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| This is no way to run a fucking internet show, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Well, we're going to find out which cars were called. | ||
| And whether or not Steve Wozniak actually said it was a software issue. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
| He's really pissed. | ||
| That's scary shit because that guy's a super genius. | ||
| One of the guys who helped create Apple, you know? | ||
| And, you know, that's not something that someone would say lightly. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Toyota to borrow Steve Wozniak's Prius for a week. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There. | |
| Oh. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's software duplicate. | ||
| That ain't it either. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Toyota Prius has scary software program he can duplicate. | ||
| Told the crowd of a potential acceleration problem in the Prius. | ||
| Oh, it's not under a recall. | ||
| This is software. | ||
| It's not a bad accelerator pedal. | ||
| It's very scary. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Toyota has this accelerator problem we've all heard about. | ||
| I have many models. | ||
| A Prius that got recalled, but I have a new model that didn't get recalled. | ||
| This model has an accelerator that goes wild, but only under certain conditions of cruise control, and I can repeat it over and over again safely. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| That's fucking terrifying. | ||
| That's what's the greatest thing about old cars. | ||
| Old cars are fucking terrible to drive, like my old 1970 Barracuda. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| There's something about old cars where there's no computer running nothing. | ||
| There's like a direct experience between you and the engine, you know? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like those old, the sound of the engine, everything about it. | ||
| It connected to the car. | ||
| It was all connected. | ||
| There ain't no fucking computer's gonna save you, bitch. | ||
| It's just a car. | ||
| You better not get crazy. | ||
| You better not think you can, you know, take that turn too quick and, you know, the wheels will lock up on the outside so you'll be alright. | ||
| No, you're fucked, man. | ||
| That's not gonna save you. | ||
| One of the many reasons not to buy a Prius. | ||
| You know what's really interesting? | ||
| I think it was a Prius that they did. | ||
| They did this because a Prius is a hybrid, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it was a Prius then. | ||
| They took a Prius. | ||
| They did this on Top Gear, that fucking awesome car show on BBC. If you haven't seen it, you can get it on BBC. You get it on DirecTV, they have BBC America. | ||
| It's an awesome car show. | ||
| They did this test where they took... | ||
| A Prius, and they ran it around a track as fast as it could go. | ||
| As fast as they could get it to go around the track. | ||
| And they followed it with a BMW M3, which has a big V8. And they found out that all the BMW had to do was to stay at the same pace as the Prius. | ||
| Just keep up with it. | ||
| That's all it had to do. | ||
| Well, when they measured it miles per gallon, the BMW got more miles per gallon than the Prius. | ||
| It's like when you drive it fast, It's like, it's a piece of shit. | ||
| It's like, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, there's no reason to, in the long run, the price also costs so much more money that you'll be spending on the car that it's not even worth the money you save on gas. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| They're gross looking, too. | ||
| And it was, uh, I think they said it was like the difference between, like, the Prius was only getting like 14 miles to the gallon, and the BMW got like 17 or 18. Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, I posted the, uh, Don't quote me on those numbers. | |
| Steve Wozniak video has posted at my Twitter, which is backslash redband. | ||
| I'm going to retweet. | ||
| Retweet my shit. | ||
| Retweet like a motherfucker. | ||
| You know how we do. | ||
| And what's also weird, we're talking about the iPad now. | ||
| So a manufacturer that's going to fix iPads. | ||
| He has a company that fixes iPhones, fixes a third-party warranty guy. | ||
| Did you tweet that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just now. | |
| I don't see it. | ||
| That's because you're using that. | ||
| I don't see it, dude. | ||
| Go to my Twitter page. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Do it how you're supposed to do it. | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| Use a Twitter page? | ||
| If you don't use TweetDeck, man, you live in so 2009. I don't tweet that much. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Lies. | ||
| I forget what I was saying. | ||
| Yeah, because you're stoned. | ||
| Oh, so this iPad manufacturer that is going to fix iPads, he fixes iPhones, just got a shipment of replacement bezels for the iPad, so if he ever has to replace that, and it has a spot for a camera in it. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And the software has calls to a camera and all those other things, so the iPad, they might not even be done with the iPad. | ||
| Like, it's going to come out with a camera and all these other things, probably. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| So this is just the beginning. | ||
| So the first one is just this plain one. | ||
| The first one was not finished is what a lot of people are thinking. | ||
| It was like a prototype, because that's why it's two months away and stuff. | ||
| They were still... | ||
| Really? | ||
| This sounds like some fucking conspiracy type shit, my man. | ||
| Some marketing shit, too, probably. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Why would you do that, though? | ||
| Why would you release a crappy one? | ||
| Or not a crappy one. | ||
| Because people are going to be talking about it every time there's a new rumor. | ||
| Like, oh, now it has a... | ||
| Well, maybe they'll hold off for a few months and then come out with a version 2. Maybe they'll do that. | ||
| But if they're doing anything like the iPhone, it's probably once a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got it down, man. | ||
| They got people that are bitches. | ||
| Apple has more people that are bitches than any other company in the world. | ||
| Did you see the spy shot of the next iPhone? | ||
| Which is funny because I was just thinking how... | ||
| I'm a little bit of an Apple bitch. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
| They got me a little. | ||
| I get all fucking hyped up when I find out they have a new announcement. | ||
| I get fired up. | ||
| I don't remember the last time I ever got fired up for anything that Microsoft makes. | ||
| It's funny because these photos that get released, like this photo of the next iPhone, is so awful. | ||
| It could be just like a box on the ground, and it's like people are freaking out about this. | ||
| You know what's really funny? | ||
| People, yeah, what is that? | ||
| Who knows what the fuck that is? | ||
| What people are hilarious about. | ||
| That looks like an iPhone, man. | ||
| People are retarded. | ||
| I know! | ||
| Who gives a shit whether they use Windows or Mac? | ||
| Everybody gets nutty. | ||
| That's what's really crazy about all this shit is that people pick teams, you know, with their own team Windows or team Mac. | ||
| Like, what the fuck do you care? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| Why does everybody want everybody else to be using the same shit? | ||
| If you don't prefer it, that's fine. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I have taken pictures and had a picture online. | ||
| You know, of me on a laptop and you see the little Apple thing? | ||
| Oh, Joe, what the fuck? | ||
| Didn't know you used Mac. | ||
| So gay. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| You're upset at the choice of computer I make? | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| I'm on the wrong computer team? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We have computer teams? | ||
| We team up for everything. | ||
| We are fucking dumb. | ||
| Goddamn people are dumb. | ||
| We argue over fucking operating systems. | ||
| People get mad if you choose the wrong brand of car. | ||
| There's dudes who get mad at their buddies for buying Chevys. | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| Ford for life. | ||
| We were Ford for life, bro. | ||
| We were Ford for life. | ||
| Those dumb assholes. | ||
| They have the picture of the Calvin and Hobbes peeing on the Chevy logo. | ||
| And there's weird things. | ||
| There's just certain things that are like Coke and Pepsi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you like Pepsi? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Is there a definitive difference between the two of them? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Especially when they come out of a fountain. | ||
| When you go to a sub shop and you go in the fountain, that could be anything. | ||
| That's not Diet Coke. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| That doesn't taste like anything like Diet Coke. | ||
| It's like there's a certain amount of sweetener and a certain amount of color and you shut the fuck up and drink it. | ||
| That's pig slop, man. | ||
| That's from shit you only drink because you're starving or you're drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| People are so goddamn dumb. | ||
| Us included sometimes, but not as much. | ||
| Not as much as last year. | ||
| Moving forward for the future. | ||
| Always trying to evolve. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Ho. | ||
| Did you see that video of somebody filmed of the space shuttle blowing up? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty trippy. | ||
| George, something's weird there, George. | ||
| Is that trouble? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that trouble? | |
| We got something hangering up in the hall. | ||
| No, when it exploded in the sky and started spinning around in separate pieces, that's not trouble. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's split in two like a heart! | |
| Brighter than usual. | ||
| Guy sounded like Jiminy Cricket. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Hey, Pinocchio! | ||
| You're going to get in trouble! | ||
| You've got to go to school! | ||
| Pinocchio, come here and look at this! | ||
| Is that troubling this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| What a horrible challenge. | ||
| Where's my handkerchief? | ||
| There was like a female, the woman, not to belittle the challenger exploding. | ||
| I remember I was watching that, I was at this girl's house. | ||
| I was like, it was 1986, so I was, wasn't it? | ||
| 86? | ||
| Yeah, I was in elementary school. | ||
| So I was like 19 years old, completely lost, had no idea what I was doing with my life. | ||
| I had a hard time getting laid. | ||
| Very difficult. | ||
| So this ex-girlfriend, who lived like an hour and a half away, and I was talking to her on the phone, and we were talking dirty, and she wanted me to drive up to visit her. | ||
| And it was such a fucking long drive, and it was the winter, it was snowing out, and I'm an idiot, and I went out there and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Completely forgot what I was talking about. | |
| How high am I? You're watching Challenger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So we're sitting there, and we're sitting there in front of television in the morning, and she goes to the bathroom... | ||
| And I turned on the TV, and right when I turned on the TV, it fucking exploded. | ||
| It was that second. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right when I turned on the TV, they were showing it. | ||
| And I don't know if it was a replay. | ||
| I don't think it was. | ||
| It's hard to remember. | ||
| But I remember, like, very clearly, that the moment I turned on the TV, the image of the thing exploding was happening right there. | ||
| And you were seeing it spiral, and you were like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| It was like a weird, like, what is that? | ||
| What's going on over there? | ||
| And then people started talking about it, and then it took like a while before they just flat out admitted, okay, everybody's dead. | ||
| That shit just blew up. | ||
| I think for a while they were wondering whether or not the people had survived, if the capsule had made it to the ground. | ||
| They were looking for parachutes and shit. | ||
| There was all sorts of different kind of reports. | ||
| But I remember thinking, holy shit, those people just got shot through the fucking air and exploded in the sky. | ||
| What a crazy way to go! | ||
| What a crazy thing to do! | ||
| You know what's so weird? | ||
| When I saw it, I saw it with a bunch of people, and we all had to watch TV because we were in middle school, and then it happened and everyone started crying, and I just remember going, oh, what's going on? | ||
| And the teachers were all freaking because you couldn't just text your mom like, hey mom, did you know what happened? | ||
| So you had to get these birds and tie messages too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you had to grab a runner. | |
| A man who's swift of foot, knows the way home. | ||
| Here's the letter. | ||
| Quickly run. | ||
| It's so amazing how back in the day you just had no communication with friends and family. | ||
| You called people and if you got a hold of them, you got a hold of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you didn't, I mean, it must have been so easy to get away with everything back then. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I was thinking about having sex. | ||
| Nobody knew who you were. | ||
| When I was a teenager, I would have sex in public places because I wasn't allowed to have sex at home. | ||
| So I'd go to, like, behind Little Caesar's Pizza and fuck beside the dumpster. | ||
| And one time this guy came out and was, like, shocked. | ||
| Like, he worked at a pizza place and goes, Oh, I'm sorry, you want some pizza? | ||
| Because he thought we were homeless or something. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| But I'm thinking nowadays... | ||
| Are you on the ground? | ||
| Lying on the ground? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, laying on the ground. | |
| It was just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| On the ground, on the dirt? | ||
| Dude, we used to do it in movie theaters. | ||
| They used to do it in movie theaters all the time. | ||
| Like, you just get her to, like, climb on top and you go see Fern Golly. | ||
| You know, because no one else is there during the day watching Fern Golly, but you're in the back half of Fern Golly having sex. | ||
| But nowadays, can you imagine? | ||
| I can't do that because it would be filmed on YouTube, on YouPorn. | ||
| It's like everyone is filming and shit. | ||
| I wonder if kids are having a hard time finding places to have sex without, like, cameras or being caught. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not like nice to be. | ||
| You know what's really fucked up is this whole sexting thing with young kids. | ||
| And what's happening, if you don't know, is that these young kids are sending... | ||
| You know, you give a 13-year-old a cell phone, they're going to take pictures of their dicks. | ||
| They're going to send it to girls. | ||
| Girls are going to take pictures of their pussy. | ||
| They're going to send it to boys. | ||
| High school musical girl. | ||
| There's always going to be one freak bitch in the class that's willing to take it to the next level. | ||
| There's always one girl... | ||
| Whose dad just was not around and she needs male attention and she needs it extremely bad and she's willing to fucking loke out. | ||
| We are so lucky because my shit would have been everywhere. | ||
| There would be live videos of me just having sex on webcams. | ||
| It gets pretty crazy. | ||
| It could get pretty crazy. | ||
| You know, it's just really wrong that kids, when you're that young, you make all kinds of fucking mistakes. | ||
| People, they do all kinds of stupid shit. | ||
| You're dumb. | ||
| The fact that Kids today, anything you say and do back then, that shit is like a record forever. | ||
| Any blog you write, any MySpace pics you post up, that shit's a record of you for the rest of your life. | ||
| And for some kids, they fuck up and picture them sucking a dick. | ||
| And then some dude who ordinarily would really love this chick but can't get over the fact that there's this picture that every one of his friends has of her sucking her ex-boyfriend's cock and it's online. | ||
| And he just freaks out. | ||
| He can't fucking deal with it. | ||
| And it ruins the relationship because this dude can't deal with the fact that there's a picture online that anybody could see of his wife, you know, the mother of his children supposedly someday, sucking some other guy's dick. | ||
| Especially if it's a black guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Then we go back to the Julia Roberts 20. Something about a black eye just hurting, hurting it. | ||
| You know, black eyes, let's be honest, you know, for the most part, except for, I always say Brock Lesnar, he says that Brock Lesnar is like a white guy with black eyes genetics. | ||
| Check this shit out. | ||
| This is a great email I got today from my dad. | ||
| Listen, man, we're on a very tricky subject. | ||
| You can't just interrupt me when talking about genetics and black people until I clarify that I'm not a racist. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's very important, Brian. | ||
| It's going to go into another medical thing. | ||
| It's a funny thing that you would think that people would think that, like, saying that a black guy having a bigger dick and a black guy being better sexually and, you know, more troublesome to white dudes. | ||
| How would that be racist? | ||
| Wouldn't that be, like, positive for black guys? | ||
| Could you imagine if people were saying that about you? | ||
| Why is he racist, though? | ||
| There's a lot of people that if you say that, if you put it that way, like, there's people that think that black guys being over-sexual or black guys being... | ||
| More well and down. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Hold on, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Let me shut this off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that your pager making that noise? | |
| I don't have the pager anymore, son. | ||
| I keep that shit up for length. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck, cocksucker? | ||
| Put away the whip. | ||
| The homie's dead. | ||
| Anyway, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| Plot guy's dicks. | ||
| If you're not scared, you're not paying attention. | ||
| Go online. | ||
| There's some incredible fucking porn out there where you can't believe that's really that guy's dick. | ||
| There's a lot of them that's fake, though. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of them that's fake. | ||
| There's a lot of them that are real giant dicks. | ||
| There's a lot of them, dude. | ||
| There's some dudes like... | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Lexington Steel? | ||
| His dick's like 14 inches long. | ||
| And it's like an arm. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| It's gigantic. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| There's no white guys like that online. | ||
| Even like John Holmes, you want to go old school, John Holmes had a big dick, but he would club you with it. | ||
| He wasn't stabbing you with it. | ||
| It was so big it never totally got hard. | ||
| It was like an elephant's trunk. | ||
| It never got hard. | ||
| It was disappointing. | ||
| He had these super hot chicks and they were trying to suck his dick, but he was all heroined out with this giant rubber monster dick. | ||
| He was trying to snake it into their mouths. | ||
| It was never like a black guy's giant dick. | ||
| Black guy's giant dick is... | ||
| That thing's gonna do something. | ||
| Some shit's going down. | ||
| Have you been to the Playboy Mansion before? | ||
| Yeah, I was there a couple times for the Strikeforce fights. | ||
| I went there for once. | ||
| I had to do a Fear Factor broadcast. | ||
| It was early in the morning. | ||
| And for a marijuana project. | ||
| Were you the one that told me that everything's so antique? | ||
| It's very old, yeah. | ||
| There's something cool about it. | ||
| I mean, there's something ridiculous about it that they haven't upgraded it and changed it for the time. | ||
| But there's something kind of cool about it, too. | ||
| Because if you really stop and think about it, I mean, this is just a party house, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Isn't it kind of dope that this is the same phone from 1970? | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| I mean, it's like a rotary phone and shit, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Or if it's a push-button phone. | ||
| I can't remember if it's a rotary or a push-button. | ||
| It's some old, wack-ass looking shit. | ||
| But that's kind of cool. | ||
| Part of it is like, yeah, they should upgrade it. | ||
| That's not even cool anymore. | ||
| That shit's tired. | ||
| But there's so much history to it that it's almost like a living museum to Hollywood. | ||
| Think about how many people partied in that place. | ||
| You know, that's like where James Caan was always hanging out. | ||
| Pauly Shore. | ||
| Pauly Shore. | ||
| Have you seen the biodome thing? | ||
| Fred Durst is always hanging out there. | ||
| Have you seen the biodome thing that's been abandoned by scientists? | ||
| Remember that thing, like the movie, the biodome? | ||
| It was all about the indoor dome. | ||
| That was with Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. | ||
| That's a real dome, though. | ||
| That's a real biodome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, and now it's like abandoned. | ||
| And like they showed it. | ||
| Oh, so this is like where they were doing experiments, just seeing people could live together. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And they abandoned it. | ||
| What happened in those experiments? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I thought that was a funny movie at the time. | ||
| I thought Biodone was funny. | ||
| It was silly. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Andrew Dice Clay's old movie, Ford Farrell. | ||
| That was funny too. | ||
| Where he's jumping off the building and he's like, My hair! | ||
| My hair! | ||
| Back when that came out, I was a Dice Clay fan. | ||
| Not that I'm not anymore, but I am. | ||
| I am still. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| He is hilarious. | ||
| I've got to see him I've got to see Dice the Comedy Store. | ||
| So many nights go up and he was just crushing people in the audience. | ||
| He's a nut. | ||
| He's a fun dude. | ||
| You know, I like his whole thing. | ||
| I like his whole attitude, his demeanor. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| But when I was a kid, he was gigantic. | ||
| There was no comedian the kids were more excited about when I was a kid than Dice Clay. | ||
| When Dice Clay blew up and when he started doing Madison Square Garden and shit, that's all anybody talked about, dude. | ||
| There was kids all day in school. | ||
| Everybody would be like, you know, what's in the bowl, bitch? | ||
| You know, people would say it everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it was something. | ||
| Everybody was doing dice clay lines. | ||
| You do a good dice clay. | ||
| I've been around him so many years, you know, at the comedy store. | ||
| That was one of the craziest things about being a kid and being a fan of his and then being, you know, then starting to be an amateur comedian and then, you know, doing... | ||
| Getting paid gigs after a couple of years and then moving to California years and years later is that I would go on and I would have to introduce Dice. | ||
| The comic store, the way it used to work, it still does, but the way it works is each comic brings up the next comic. | ||
| I got brought on stage by Martin Lawrence. | ||
| It was one of the first times somebody famous ever did it. | ||
| You know, he brought me on stage and I was like, holy shit, like Martin Lawrence just said my name and brought me on stage. | ||
| Like, to me, that was like a crazy deal. | ||
| Like, you know, you see that guy on TV and movies and all of a sudden I'm shaking his hand and now I gotta go on stage after him and nobody knows who the fuck I am. | ||
| But Dice Clay was the coolest. | ||
| That was the craziest one ever. | ||
| That was like, you know, getting the, who's next? | ||
| Joe Rogan? | ||
| Who the fuck is Joe Rogan? | ||
| I don't remember how it said it, but when he brought me on stage, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Dice fucking Clay just brought me on stage. | ||
| To me, that was a fun moment. | ||
| That was a crazy moment in comedy. | ||
| When I was a kid, that guy was the most hyped up comic ever. | ||
| Mark Hayden. | ||
| Yes, you did open up for me in England. | ||
| Mark Hayden is going to freak out. | ||
| He keeps insisting that this Mark Gayden guy is not him, but whoever this Mark Gayden guy is, I think he's representing Mark Hayden very well. | ||
| So I'm going to keep pretending that he is him. | ||
| Who is Joe Rogan? | ||
| You doing stand-up in CO before the versus... | ||
| Oh, who is Joe Rogan? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Is that like how these kids are talking these days? | ||
| Who is Joe Rogan? | ||
| Is that like a new way of talking to people? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense? | ||
| That sounds cool? | ||
| That does kind of sound cool. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What is your name, dude? | ||
| Carperversion? | ||
| Carperversion? | ||
| Who is Carperversion? | ||
| You know, if that's what you say when you see people. | ||
| Instead of like, hey, what's up, dude, say, who is Joe Rogan? | ||
| Am I doing stand-up in Colorado? | ||
| Yeah, I'll be doing it somewhere. | ||
| I don't have anything booked. | ||
| But I will definitely be there the night before whatever the, I think the UFC fights are on a Sunday night, I think. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But whatever night they're on, the night before that, whether it's Saturday or Friday, I'll be doing stand-up. | ||
| And I'll put it on Twitter, and I'll let you bitches know. | ||
| Have you heard of the cat that has predicted over 50 deaths in a nursing home? | ||
| You know what that's like? | ||
| That's like predicting alcoholics are going to drink. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's a terrible fucking prediction. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Tell that fucking faggot cat to go predict. | ||
| I know what he's doing. | ||
| He curls up around people when they're going to die. | ||
| Yeah, right when they're about to die. | ||
| It's luck. | ||
| They're dying. | ||
| They're dropping like flies. | ||
| They're a thousand years old. | ||
| They're a bunch of old people living with other old people that are dying. | ||
| It's not a fun environment. | ||
| It just goes back to the whole weird thing about how animals might have senses that we don't even know about. | ||
| They might. | ||
| Kind of cool, like that video of the dog in the earth. | ||
| It might be, or it might be these people are hanging on by a thread so thin that when a cat hops in their lap, they're like, fuck it, I'm doomed! | ||
| And then just kick the bucket that night. | ||
| That's possible too, man. | ||
| You've got to admit, it's all possible. | ||
| Can you discuss vaporizers? | ||
| I would recommend vaporizers. | ||
| The Volcano is a very good one, but it's sometimes kind of a pain in the ass. | ||
| I mean, at the end of the day, you don't want to be that guy that's Sucking out of a plastic bag. | ||
| It just seems like a junky move. | ||
| I'm not a fan. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It seems like junky behavior. | ||
| To be sucking out of a plastic bag, something seems wrong. | ||
| But there's another vaporizer that I enjoy. | ||
| It's like a glass pipe, like a glass lip, sort of like a bong with a tube attached to it. | ||
| And you stick it on this thing and... | ||
| Yeah, that's a cool one. | ||
| You know what I like about that one? | ||
| You don't need five friends around you to get high. | ||
| When that bag fills up, you don't know when to stop. | ||
| You keep sucking it in, and then you're too high, and then you're like, I can't even think. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| The other vaporizer, you can take one hit, and bam, and you know it's up. | ||
| I like that one better. | ||
| But if you've got a party, if you've got a bunch of people hanging around, and you're all medical patients... | ||
| Gravity bongs! | ||
| No, that's good. | ||
| If you've got a bunch of people around, then the volcano's the shit. | ||
| Then it's perfect. | ||
| Because if we're all being junkies together, man, let's all suck out of this plastic bag. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Well, I'll keep it together. | ||
| Yeah, there's something weird about sucking out of a plastic bag. | ||
| To me, I'm just like, you know, I like a joint. | ||
| Just give me a joint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| I'm a fan of the joint, too. | ||
| You know why I like joints? | ||
| First of all, because you don't have to keep lighting it. | ||
| I hate the taste of lighter fluid. | ||
| That shit's nasty. | ||
| If you have a glass pipe and you keep tasting that lighter fluid, that shit ain't good for you. | ||
| Especially when somebody has a Zippo. | ||
| You're like, oh, really? | ||
| You got a Zippo? | ||
| That shit ain't good for you, man. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I like joints. | ||
| I'm a converted joints man. | ||
| I like that shit with a match, if I can. | ||
| Or if I'm doing it with a lighter, I get it real quick and I let it sit for a minute and then I... I think there's a residue, man, that gets on the weed with those lighters, and I think that shit's bad for you. | ||
| It's probably worse for you than smoking for some people, like for your lungs. | ||
| It's got to be very unhealthy, man. | ||
| It's like a toxic fume you're inhaling, you know? | ||
| That ain't good, you know? | ||
| There's no studies done on how many times you can fucking suck off lighter fluid and breathe it into your lungs and not do permanent damage, you know? | ||
| Joints, bitches. | ||
| Matches and joints. | ||
| Stop fucking around. | ||
| Matches and joints. | ||
| Or go with the vaporizer. | ||
| If you don't know what the vaporizer is, the beautiful thing is there's no fire. | ||
| There's no smoke. | ||
| It's like a mist. | ||
| And what it is is you pack the product, the marabona, and put it into this little filtered area. | ||
| And then you connect that to this machine. | ||
| And then it heats up. | ||
| And then you inhale. | ||
| And it's literally like mist. | ||
| And that mist is just the pure THC. It's a very heady experience. | ||
| You'll come up with some of your craziest thoughts on vaporized weed. | ||
| Except the only thing crazier is eating it. | ||
| When you eat it, that's the craziest. | ||
| I don't like that anymore. | ||
| Eating it gets scary. | ||
| We've talked about that. | ||
| Ever heard of nutmeg? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Your mama. | ||
| Oh, one, oh, eight, nine, three? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I heard you can get high off nutmeg somehow or another. | ||
| One of the guys on our message board, HR, I think he did it. | ||
| He tried it and documented it. | ||
| He said it was really trippy and it lasted a long time and it's kind of gross. | ||
| I think anything that's really good, people would be doing it left and right. | ||
| And I think there's plenty of shit to get high on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the one thing that I think is interesting, they came up with a new marijuana. | ||
| It's a synthetic marijuana and it gives you the same effects as regular marijuana, but you don't test positive. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and they're scrambling right now to make it illegal, and they call it K2. It's called K2, named after that mountain. | ||
| And it's a synthetic version of marijuana. | ||
| So if you're a cop, if you have a government job, and you have to piss test all the time, you could smoke this shit. | ||
| Dude, I used to, in Ohio, had to piss test all the time. | ||
| I'd go to the store and buy this shit. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| Let me ask you this, man. | ||
| Why would we be keeping cops from smoking weed? | ||
| If anybody should be smoking weed, it's cops. | ||
| If anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Cops should be smoking weed. | ||
| Cops should be smoking weed? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Calm down, everybody. | ||
| Calm the fuck down. | ||
| These are like intense people on weed. | ||
| To be a cop, you kind of have to be like a bully, like I'm a soldier. | ||
| No, not always. | ||
| I know a lot of guys who became cops and a lot of them became cops because it's good money and they're tough guys. | ||
| They do martial arts and they figure, you know what? | ||
| I can handle most situations. | ||
| I'm pretty friendly. | ||
| I can handle this. | ||
| This is good money. | ||
| It's a good career. | ||
| I could set myself up. | ||
| Have a nice pension. | ||
| You gotta look at it realistically. | ||
| It's an economic choice for a lot of people. | ||
| I have a lot of buddies that became cops. | ||
| It's an economic choice. | ||
| It's a great job, man. | ||
| If you can get in the Boston Police Department, that's good fucking money. | ||
| You can make a nice living. | ||
| You can get some detail work on the side on weekends and shit like that. | ||
| You pick up big money guarding places and shit like that. | ||
| It's a good job, man. | ||
| It's not all douchebags. | ||
| But there's a lot of douchebags that work for better cops that if they were stoned would be horrible. | ||
| Maybe not, man. | ||
| Maybe they'd be more sensitive. | ||
| Weed's not for everyone, that's for sure. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not for everyone. | ||
| Well, they don't have to do it. | ||
| But I think, you know, if they wanted to, if they wanted to mellow out over the weekend, like Serpico. | ||
| Remember when Serpico got high back in the 70s? | ||
| Serpico didn't have, they didn't have a drug test for Serpico. | ||
| Al Pacino, when he was a cop, he was sitting smoking weed with his girl, hanging out, just like that movie Superfly. | ||
| Don't you remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never seen Superfly. | ||
| You've never seen Superfly? | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, if you only watch one blaxploitation movie from the 70s, it should be Superfly. | ||
| It's one of the most... | ||
| Goddamn brilliant films to have ever been created. | ||
| And when you're high, it becomes a motherfucking masterpiece because it's real. | ||
| I mean, this is a real movie where they're playing off real cool cats. | ||
| And one time this guy says, you know, he's thinking about getting out of the game. | ||
| I got everything I ever wanted. | ||
| My hall, my vines, a white woman like you. | ||
| My hall, my vines, my car, my vines, my clothes, and a white woman like you? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's genius, dude. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| It's such a bad movie. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| It's so bad and so real. | ||
| You can take a parody like Airplane and they'll be funny, but they'll never be as funny as something that's supposed to be good but isn't and is funny on accident. | ||
| There's something about those that's like a different kind of funny. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like a holy shit funny. | ||
| Like, what the fuck were they thinking funny? | ||
| You know? | ||
| And Superfly is one of the best at that. | ||
| Like, sort of like Showgirls is. | ||
| You know, Showgirls, you see Showgirls and it's like, what the fuck are they doing? | ||
| This movie's crazy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's one of them. | ||
| What other movies are like that? | ||
| Well, I just can't believe some of the movies from the 80s, I just can't believe people actually bought, like, you know, like the Howard the Duck movie. | ||
| I'm like, are you serious? | ||
| It's a cartoon or a comic book, though. | ||
| It's Marvel Comics. | ||
| Yeah, I know, but I can't believe it. | ||
| Yeah, but he was cool in the 70s, man, and cool in the 80s, too. | ||
| When I was a kid, I was a Howard Duck fan. | ||
| I would buy Howard the Duck comic books. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| I was a Marvel Comics fan, and Howard the Duck was a big part of Marvel Comics. | ||
| He would drift in and out of all sorts of comic books. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They did a lot of cool shit with Howard the Duck. | ||
| I saw that movie in the theater, and it was great, because I was a kid, and I remember he pulled out condoms, and she's like, oh, Ducky! | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, condoms! | ||
| Dude, Howard the Duck was cool when I was a kid, because he was a duck, but he was like an adult. | ||
| He was like a creepy duck. | ||
| He was trying to get laid. | ||
| I never read it. | ||
| Dude, Howard the Duck was dope. | ||
| I was a huge Marvel Comics fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I was Spider-Man mostly. | ||
| I loved the X-Men. | ||
| I loved Spider-Man. | ||
| The Hulk. | ||
| I was a big The Hulk fan. | ||
| I was a big Conan the Barbarian fan. | ||
| God damn, I loved Conan. | ||
| I wish someone would have done, someone would do a real Conan. | ||
| Like, almost in the style of Gladiator. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like a real high-end. | ||
| Not a cheeseball one. | ||
| I think they're doing another one, but it seems, I don't know. | ||
| It's got the rock in it. | ||
| I hate to be prejudiced. | ||
| Oh, you mean the Tooth Fairy guy? | ||
| Listen, he's Conan now. | ||
| And there's an image of him as Conan. | ||
| I mean, he certainly looks the part. | ||
| And who knows? | ||
| Maybe he could pull it off. | ||
| But there's a certain amount of movies when you do a certain amount of kids' movies. | ||
| You know, after a while, I just go, it's hard for me to watch you in something where you're crazy, you know? | ||
| He's making crazy money in it. | ||
| I just don't want it to be fake aggression. | ||
| Conan the Barbarian, if you ever read the books, man. | ||
| That would be an awesome movie to read. | ||
| I was a big fan of the books. | ||
| This guy, Robert E. Howard, wrote them. | ||
| And he was this mad genius who was super depressed. | ||
| Wrote all these books, and I think he was only like 36 when he blew his fucking brains out. | ||
| Just couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| Just lived a terrible life. | ||
| Lived with his mother. | ||
| He was super depressed, apparently, and just wrote these incredible fantasy books about far-off lands and a fucking conqueror who could not be beat and would destroy and cut men down and fight monsters and shit and all fucking all these chicks and drinking wine. | ||
| He was just a human but yet hyper-human character that represented all of this guy's frustrations. | ||
| Fucking genius shit, man. | ||
| Especially if you think about the fact that the guy was writing it in the 50s. | ||
| By the time they made it a movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, damn dude, why are you so monster? | ||
| Why are you big? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| What's the reason for that? | ||
| That's not Conan. | ||
| Conan is more like a George St. Pierre type build. | ||
| That sounded gay. | ||
| More like James Irvin's build. | ||
| That would be a good Conan. | ||
| Like, thick, but looks like an athlete, you know? | ||
| Like a Herschel Walker. | ||
| Like Herschel Walker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How about that motherfucker? | ||
| 47 years old, dude. | ||
| Has his first MMA fight. | ||
| Beats a shit-ass on young boy. | ||
| Herschel Walker's 40-fucking-7, dude, and he looks like a Goliath. | ||
| He's still just swole as fuck and chiseled and just cutting dudes down. | ||
| That guy's a super athlete. | ||
| They should be saving his DNA. I don't know how many kids that guy's got. | ||
| How many kids does he have? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he have kids? | |
| I have no idea. | ||
| If he doesn't have kids, they need to get the guy to shoot some loads into some cups. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Get him. | ||
| You imagine if you got Herschel Walker and one of the Williams sisters? | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| And they fell in love. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| No disrespect to Herschel. | ||
| I believe he's married. | ||
| And I don't know if the Williams sisters are married. | ||
| So let's just hypothetically make them... | ||
| This is not in the real world. | ||
| This is the fake world. | ||
| Nobody get upset. | ||
| But I'm saying, you know, you get two super athletes like that and put their genetics together, it would be incredible. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| You know who Lucia Riker is? | ||
| Lucia Riker is a female boxer. | ||
| This chick could punch harder than men. | ||
| She was incredible. | ||
| She was so good. | ||
| All the other female boxers avoided the fuck out of her. | ||
| This was back in the Tonya Harding days. | ||
| This chick was like leaps and bounds above other female boxers. | ||
| She was just a freak athlete. | ||
| I don't remember what nationality she was. | ||
| I feel like I want to say something Latin American. | ||
| But she was from Holland. | ||
| I don't remember her nationality. | ||
| I'm totally guessing. | ||
| She was a dark-skinned chick. | ||
| But goddamn, she was just this fucking freak athlete. | ||
| Just beat the fuck out of chicks. | ||
| She even fought dudes. | ||
| She got flatlined, though. | ||
| She fought a dude, and the dude connected on her jaw. | ||
| She went nighty-night. | ||
| It was weird to see, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because she was attacking. | ||
| She was trying to cut this dude down. | ||
| And the dude just bang! | ||
| And she just flatlined, stiffened up, and face-planted. | ||
| Yeah, but it looked like before the flatline, she was getting the best of the dude. | ||
| The dude just hit too hard. | ||
| There's a thing about bone structure, I think. | ||
| One of the things, if you meet a guy that's a big puncher, like I met Michael Moore once. | ||
| Michael Moore was the boxing heavyweight champion of the world. | ||
| And he was the light heavyweight champion at one time, too, for a long time. | ||
| He was badass as a light heavyweight. | ||
| I just couldn't keep cutting the weight. | ||
| He was too big. | ||
| But he was one of the best light heavyweights ever. | ||
| But he's got a frame. | ||
| You meet that dude. | ||
| His frame is heavy. | ||
| His fists are heavy. | ||
| His shoulders are heavy. | ||
| That's the type of dude, when he hits you, it's just... | ||
| Boom! | ||
| There's so much to him. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And a chick, even if a chick is really talented, ultimately, they're not built the same way. | ||
| So it just makes you think, a chick like that, like a Lucia Riker... | ||
| You know? | ||
| Matching her up with like an Anderson Silva, some other freak athlete, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| Goddamn! | ||
| I sound like some sort of a genetic engineer. | ||
| I'm trying to make future warriors. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| It is gonna happen. | ||
| Well, you know what's gonna happen? | ||
| It's gonna happen in a laboratory before it's gonna happen with two people having sex. | ||
| It's not going to happen the old-fashioned way where the gladiator meets the warrior princess. | ||
| It's not going to happen like that. | ||
| The way it's going to happen now is someone's going to take the attributes. | ||
| You're going to get some fat, dumpy dude who's got a little dick, but he's got a lot of money because he's crazy, and he's invested all of his time to learning the stock market and swindling people, and he's going to have children that are psychotic, warrior, genius offspring because he's going to manipulate all his shitty genes, and it's going to create some super offspring. | ||
| And why he's a fucking young wife and killing him. | ||
| Brock Lesnar is Conan. | ||
| Yeah, Brock Lesnar is Conan. | ||
| That would be a real Conan. | ||
| Yeah, that's a real Conan. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm talking about. | ||
| Like, Brock Lesnar is like... | ||
| Did somebody put that up there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoever put that up there, we lost it already. | ||
| Money Japan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Money Japan. | ||
| You're correct, sir. | ||
| That's the perfect build. | ||
| That's what you're talking about. | ||
| Just a big, giant motherfucker. | ||
| Doesn't look like a bodybuilder. | ||
| Looks like a dude who'll smash you. | ||
| The best fighters, I don't want to say all of them, but most of them don't look that ripped. | ||
| Except George St. Pierre. | ||
| He's fucking chiseled. | ||
| But BJ, when he's in his best shape, he still has a good layer of fat on him. | ||
| And BJ, I think, also has thick skin, too. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why B.J. doesn't cut that easy. | ||
| Nobody's got a tougher face than B.J. B.J. will fight a five-round fucking war and come out of it with a couple little scratches. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It ain't just that he's fucking awesome, which it is. | ||
| I mean, he is, but there's something about that dude's genetics. | ||
| Everybody's got different genetics, man. | ||
| That's one of the most amazing things about life is the variation amongst human beings. | ||
| We vary so much more than any other animal. | ||
| The only animal that comes close is dogs. | ||
| And dogs supposedly are like that because we engineered them. | ||
| Which makes you wonder what the fuck made so many people so different. | ||
| Because we vary so much. | ||
| The fact that a Chinese midget could have sex with Shaquille O'Neal and make another baby And that baby would look like a combination of those two. | ||
| And there's that much variation between, like, pygmies and women from Iceland, you know? | ||
| You know, like, Sylvester Stallone's ex-wife, Brigitte Nielsen, that big giant Icelandic, Nordic-looking chick, you know? | ||
| That, her and Flava Flav, they can have babies, you know? | ||
| I mean, they're so different. | ||
| There's so much diversity. | ||
| There's no other animal like that except dogs, you know? | ||
| Rhinos? | ||
| They look like rhinos, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Some fish look different. | ||
| You get a smallmouth bass. | ||
| Fucks a largemouth bass. | ||
| They get crazy. | ||
| They get freaky with it. | ||
| And you get a hybrid. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| Tigers and lions make ligers. | ||
| But for the most part, man, human beings, we're the most diverse. | ||
| We're a weird fucking species. | ||
| It's kind of incredible, too, when you think about the fact there's so many of us. | ||
| There's so many humans. | ||
| You would think by now we'd all be a big fucking blurry mess. | ||
| It's crazy when you see countries like Asian countries where almost everyone has a very similar appearance. | ||
| You know, almost everyone has dark hair. | ||
| Almost everyone is, you know, within a certain height. | ||
| It's changing now. | ||
| Like in Japan, they're making big giant dudes now. | ||
| You know, big giant athletic dudes. | ||
| A lot of them are changing their diet, too. | ||
| I think it has something to do with that. | ||
| Look at you, you motherfucker. | ||
| What kind of show are you running here, man? | ||
| The phone ringing? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| What is this guy saying? | ||
| Fish, I fuck, talk, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What does that mean, sir? | ||
| I shouldn't encourage that guy. | ||
| He's talking nonsense. | ||
| Why are you encouraging him? | ||
| Joe, talk about Nibiru. | ||
| Listen, folks. | ||
| I'm going to tell you right now. | ||
| Nibiru is not going to save you. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| It's a myth. | ||
| Not Nibiru is a myth. | ||
| I don't know if Nibiru is the truth. | ||
| But there's something that we have in our head about someone coming down and fixing everything. | ||
| And... | ||
| I don't think that shit's happening. | ||
| I think we're looking for Daddy to come down and throw down the rescue boat and pull us out of this mess. | ||
| And I think that's why people look at it. | ||
| If you don't know what Nibiru is, there's people that believe that there's a planet that's in an elliptical orbit. | ||
| And every 3,600 years, it travels between Mars and Jupiter. | ||
| It travels very close to Earth. | ||
| Or between us and Mars, rather. | ||
| And this gigantic, huge planet is responsible for many, many catastrophic events in Earth's history. | ||
| And it's also responsible for these beings called the Anunnaki to come from this planet and go on Earth and create human beings with genetic engineering. | ||
| I mean, it's some fascinating shit. | ||
| It's all from the Sumerian text, and the Sumerian text is the oldest known written language. | ||
| It's called cuneiform, and they write it in these little weird strokes. | ||
| They're one of the oldest civilizations that we know of. | ||
| They had the first astronomy, the first astrology, including, they had detailed depictions of the solar system, with planets in all the right orbits. | ||
| They had Mars, and they had Pluto. | ||
| They even had Pluto. | ||
| We didn't know about Pluto until 1970, and they had a drawing of Pluto that was carved in a stone, or that was rolled onto a tablet. | ||
| 6,000 years ago? | ||
| 5,000 years ago? | ||
| I mean, it's really, really crazy stuff. | ||
| And when this guy, Zachariah Sitchin, and this is where it gets controversial, because some guys who are scholars, who are language scientists, and guys who are archaeologists breaking down ancient languages and trying to figure out the roots of the word, where they don't necessarily believe that Sitchin's right, and they think that maybe he's leapt to some conclusions in his depictions. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no knowledge when it comes to foreign languages, so I don't understand the argument. | ||
| So I see it back and forth. | ||
| It's fascinating to me. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You can't prove it. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| But what is interesting is that culture, the Sumerian culture, is crazy. | ||
| They had the first everything, the first mathematics. | ||
| They had the first use of the wheel. | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| Shut your shit off, man. | ||
| I thought I did. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| What's more fascinating than this idea of a planet, because there's not enough evidence that there's another planet. | ||
| But there is enough evidence that these people back then, 6,000 years ago, had some amazing view of the world. | ||
| They had some amazing technology. | ||
| They knew about the DNA, the double helix of the DNA. That was their sign for medicine, their sign for pharmacy. | ||
| They drew a caduceus, which they still use today as a sign of medicine. | ||
| That's crazy shit, man. | ||
| They had all these depictions of... | ||
| There was like large people... | ||
| With small people in their laps and the small people had tails. | ||
| And the people that look at these go, look, this is genetic engineering. | ||
| The giants, they made the monkey too. | ||
| The DNA of the alien, they created this hybrid. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe they just draw on a fucking big guy with a monkey in his lap and make the monkey look like Curious George and look like a person. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| How can you tell me that's exactly what that is? | ||
| I mean, it could be like their cartoon. | ||
| This is their little character. | ||
| This is the crazy monkey that looks like a human and wants to ask stupid questions. | ||
| Sit in my lap. | ||
| That could be it, right? | ||
| I forgot what you were... | ||
| Nibiru, bitch! | ||
| You don't even pay attention to me anymore. | ||
| This relationship is going down a crapper. | ||
| You go so deep into stuff that like halfway through I'm like, alright, my brain can't even catch up anymore. | ||
| Well, to be honest with you, half the time I don't know what I started talking about by the time I got to the end. | ||
| What I found is that I'm a conduit, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These thoughts come to me and I just have to let it go. | |
| That sort of sounds faggy. | ||
| It sounds completely faggy, but that really is the truth. | ||
| The better I get at comedy, the more I feel like I'm not really responsible for what I'm doing. | ||
| It's like I gotta just do the work. | ||
| I gotta write and I gotta perform enough. | ||
| But when I get it, when I nail it, whatever it is, when I tune back into the frequency, whenever it is, I just ride it. | ||
| It's almost like the easiest thing in the world. | ||
| It's like it's difficult to maintain. | ||
| You've got to maintain your enthusiasm and maintain your writing and maintain your performing. | ||
| But when you're in that groove, when you lock in and it's the fucking show, it's fun! | ||
| BAM! When that's going on, that's just a ride. | ||
| You're just riding a ride. | ||
| You're not doing anything. | ||
| I don't feel like... | ||
| It's like if I dig a hole in the dirt in the backyard, I feel like I just did something. | ||
| You know, I started that fucking hole. | ||
| It sucked every dig. | ||
| But I got to the end. | ||
| I got this feeling of satisfaction. | ||
| When I go off stage, I never have a feeling of satisfaction. | ||
| I always have a feeling of, ooh, that was crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like I rode something. | ||
| Like I just got off a crazy ride. | ||
| I'll be like, wow, that was fun. | ||
| Or that was a cool set. | ||
| That was a great audience. | ||
| But I never feel like I just did anything. | ||
| I always feel like I just rode a crazy ride. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| It's like you have to do it enough so that you're comfortable enough so that when you get up, It's all smooth. | ||
| It's all fun. | ||
| You know what you're talking about. | ||
| You know what you want to say. | ||
| And you're working on what you want to say all the time so that it's always fresh. | ||
| So it's always relevant in your mind. | ||
| So the enthusiasm is there. | ||
| And if the enthusiasm is there, and then the audience is enthusiastic, and then you lock those things together, and then you just ride it. | ||
| And once you get the laughs start going, you just start riding it. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's like you're skiing downhill. | ||
| I think you're going to get a segway. | ||
| Yeah, but where am I gonna go with it? | ||
| Dude, you live in mountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can be like all up in the mountains chasing coyotes with your segway. | |
| I wanna be able to jump off right and quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta get a segway. | |
| I had a crazy jaguar dream last night, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I had a dream that jaguars, big ones, were trying to break into my house. | ||
| I'm having very strange apocalyptic dreams lately. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, not serious ones because I survived the apocalypse. | ||
| The real apocalyptic dream is everything ends. | ||
| I haven't been having dreams pretty much at all lately. | ||
| Or ones that I remember for some reason. | ||
| Yeah, I get every now and then I get these, the system fails dreams, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Every now and then, like some Mad Max type shit. | ||
| Maybe it's just because all these assholes are screaming, the sky is falling. | ||
| One of the things that was really interesting, I was listening to some recordings of Hunter S. Thompson speaking at the University of Colorado, and it was like 1974. And he was talking about the CFR, which is supposedly the group of people that control the world, the global bankers, the Bilderberg Group, that type of shit. | ||
| And he was talking about what's going on overseas and what the United States is up to and how corrupt the political system is and how it's probably, if it goes this way much longer, the country's going to fall apart. | ||
| But then you look at it like 30 years later, it's still the same shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's still the same shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, is it getting any worse? | ||
| Well, there's more people, so it seems to accelerate a little bit because there's more activity. | ||
| There's more humans. | ||
| But it all seems to be going along the same lines. | ||
| You know, the sky is falling, crazy shit. | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| I mean, it would take something big, man. | ||
| And if it takes something big, you're probably going to be dead anyway. | ||
| If the sky is really going to be falling, it takes like a meteor. | ||
| We need like a volcano, like a Yellowstone. | ||
| Which, by the way, ready for this? | ||
| This is January 17th. | ||
| There's been over 1,600 earthquakes in Yellowstone. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| If you don't know, Yellowstone is a giant volcano. | ||
| See, nobody ever taught me this in school. | ||
| Did they ever teach you this in school? | ||
| Do you remember this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The caldera? | ||
| Well, the whole volcano thing. | ||
| That it's going to blow? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think it's weird when you live there, too. | ||
| A lot of people can't live there because they're in constant fear of it, too. | ||
| How could you not? | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| I think it was Adam Carolla or somebody was talking about... | ||
| When I was in high school, I don't... | ||
| Well, I'm older than you. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| Shh! | ||
| Don't tell these people. | ||
| They're cruel. | ||
| So I'm seven years older than you. | ||
| So you have to think about it. | ||
| Like, if we were in high school, like I was in high school earlier than you, they probably didn't even know yet. | ||
| Because one of the things they found out about with these Yellowstone... | ||
| They had satellite images. | ||
| And when they took the satellite images, that's when they realized that what they were dealing with was a caldera, which was a volcano that was so explosive that the top literally disappeared. | ||
| Like, be like Hawaii, but Hawaii fucking explodes. | ||
| And it's just flat. | ||
| I mean, that's how big this volcano is. | ||
| It's 300 miles across. | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| And when it blows up, you imagine 300 miles of explosion straight up into the air. | ||
| Lava, everything. | ||
| Would it be okay here? | ||
| No, we'd be fucked. | ||
| The whole continent would be fucked. | ||
| We'd be fucked. | ||
| But we would have like a good one hour slow lava? | ||
| No, it wouldn't be lava. | ||
| You'd be fucked because the ash would rain and fuck everything up. | ||
| It would kill animals. | ||
| It would pollute the water supply. | ||
| It would fuck everything up, man. | ||
| You think about how much... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Heavy, soot is like snow, except it's much heavier, so roofs would collapse, so you would get 2-3 feet of soot that would come down, and even if you stayed inside your house and relaxed, your house would very likely get crushed from this fucking soot, because this soot would be thousands and thousands of pounds on your roof. | ||
| So it's going to cave your fucking house in. | ||
| You can't breathe outside. | ||
| The sky is filled with soot. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| And it's heavy, thick shit. | ||
| Volcanic ash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soot. | |
| You're fucked. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| And it covers the continent. | ||
| It comes over us like a cloud spreading out from there. | ||
| After the volcano, how long do you have any idea? | ||
| They don't have any idea. | ||
| Well, they know that there's been smaller ones where it's just killed a lot of things, and then there's been these gigantic earth-shattering ones every six to eight hundred thousand years. | ||
| And the last time there was one was six hundred thousand years ago. | ||
| What if it was something like it wouldn't hit you for like a week? | ||
| Goddamn! | ||
| What the fuck would you do? | ||
| You would have to leave the continent. | ||
| I think you could be okay if you could get off in North America. | ||
| If you could go to Europe. | ||
| Even Florida or something. | ||
| If you knew that shit was going down and you could get on a plane and fly to England, just take your family and fly to England. | ||
| That'd be a crazy movie. | ||
| Like, evacuating the whole United States. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a rock shelf in Africa. | ||
| That if it breaks off, they have these underwater landslides occur where these big shelves of these mountains fall off. | ||
| And it's happened thousands of times throughout history. | ||
| Well, if this one particular rock flat, this whole area which they predict one day will break off and go into the ocean, this one particular side of a mountain, if it does that, it's going to create a gigantic tsunami. | ||
| That engulfs the whole east coast of the United States. | ||
| Like miles in. | ||
| It's just going to be miles in water. | ||
| I mean, just a gigantic chunk of rock pouring into the ocean. | ||
| And these fucking waves that are like a mile high just going to roll in and wreck everything. | ||
| It's going to be insane. | ||
| Or it's just going to be mildly irritating. | ||
| It's going to be insane and it's probably going to happen. | ||
| It might not happen in our lifetime. | ||
| But you can't say. | ||
| Odds are so against it though. | ||
| They're not though. | ||
| They probably are. | ||
| There's so many things. | ||
| But there's so many things, dude. | ||
| There's so many different things. | ||
| The odds aren't against it. | ||
| If you look at all of them together, the odds aren't against it. | ||
| Because if you look at like meteors, man, they don't know when the fuck those are coming. | ||
| They have no idea how many asteroids are out there, how many big chunks of fucking rock and metal and iron are flying through space. | ||
| And any one of those could jack us. | ||
| And they've happened so many times over history. | ||
| It's been proven. | ||
| There's so many planets that are scattered with craters. | ||
| There's no way we can predict it. | ||
| I mean, they could martyr the sky and hope they catch most of them. | ||
| But there's always ones that are sneaking right by us that we miss. | ||
| It's happening left and right, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's the government, man. | ||
| Can you guys still hear us? | ||
| Well, it's still recording. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Well, refresh your browser. | ||
| refresh that I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about This is interrupting my flow, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| On a long time scale, everything is inevitable. | ||
| Yeah, that's really... | ||
| That dude just nailed it on the head. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Money Japan again! | ||
| Money Japan for the win! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| Who's Money Japan? | ||
| Two good quotes. | ||
| If he lives in Japan, he's money. | ||
| I love Japan. | ||
| Yo, money, money, money. | ||
| Have you talked to Eddie about being in Japan and how cool it was? | ||
| No, he just got back last night. | ||
| I haven't seen him yet. | ||
| I'd love to get to Japan. | ||
| Yeah, he's been to Japan when he used to work for Pride. | ||
| Where did Money Japan sit? | ||
| Yeah, on a long time scale, everything is inevitable. | ||
| That's what people have to realize. | ||
| We know for sure that human beings have a lifespan. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| As much as you plan for the future, you're going to die. | ||
| We know that planets have a lifespan. | ||
| As much as you plan for the future, fucking suns eventually run out of energy. | ||
| It might take billions of years, but it's going to happen. | ||
| And what we have to worry about is not just that. | ||
| Not just Earthquakes. | ||
| Not just supervolcanoes. | ||
| Not just meteors. | ||
| We have to worry about gamma-ray explosions. | ||
| We have to worry about, like, supernovas that happen out in space that make these giant gamma-ray bursts and fucking flood the Earth, crushing all our communication systems, crushing all our satellites, breaking everything. | ||
| No wireless internet. | ||
| No Oprah. | ||
| Everything shuts the fuck down. | ||
| I mean, that shit's all possible. | ||
| Giant crazy solar flares. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that could fuck human beings up. | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
| They say that the polar ice caps have shifted more than once in the past. | ||
| They also say that 10,000 years ago, during the last ice age, the North American continent, half of it was under a mile of ice. | ||
| North America was fucked up, dude. | ||
| It was all ice. | ||
| That's crazy shit. | ||
| That's only 10,000 years ago, man. | ||
| Crazy things can happen. | ||
| How would we stop North America from turning all ice again if the earth got that cold again? | ||
| What the fuck would we do? | ||
| What would we do? | ||
| Turn on the heat? | ||
| What the fuck would we do? | ||
| What would we do if all of a sudden North America started turning into a fucking mile-high sheet wall of ice? | ||
| But odds are... | ||
| Dinosaurs would come back first. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why do you say that? | ||
| Listen, Brian, you can't say that because what makes these climate changes is very mysterious. | ||
| You most likely have nothing to worry about. | ||
| Maybe, yes, most likely. | ||
| But there's been some gigantic things that have happened to the Earth over a short period of time. | ||
| I could freak out about that shit or I could just be like, hey, let's talk about real things that are freaking me out. | ||
| I've got to pay my bill tomorrow. | ||
| I think people avoid it, though. | ||
| I think people... | ||
| It's not just the fact that people choose not to think about it. | ||
| I think they typically avoid it. | ||
| So they don't ever have to think about the real big picture. | ||
| The real big picture is very frightening to a lot of people. | ||
| There's the big picture, like what are you going to do with your life? | ||
| You know, you're going to get married. | ||
| You're going to have kids. | ||
| You're going to get a good job. | ||
| You're going to be able to put your kids through college. | ||
| That's the real picture. | ||
| And then the big picture. | ||
| And the big picture is what the fuck are we doing? | ||
| We're involved in two wars. | ||
| It's 2010. | ||
| This is the age of information. | ||
| We see everywhere that we're being fucked left and right. | ||
| You know that your bailout money is going to these corporations. | ||
| And the corporation CEOs are taking hundreds of millions of dollars in payouts for bonuses and all this insanity. | ||
| And you're like, what fucking bonus? | ||
| Like, they used the United States taxpayers' money to bail out the company. | ||
| And now they get to get money. | ||
| They get bonuses. | ||
| Big, giant checks. | ||
| For what? | ||
| For fucking up? | ||
| Like, what kind of a criminal organization is this? | ||
| And we're accepting it? | ||
| What the fuck is this country running under? | ||
| That's part A of the big picture. | ||
| And then part B of the picture is, what the fuck? | ||
| We're in space? | ||
| That's the crazy one. | ||
| The part B is, we are on a planet. | ||
| And this planet is one of an infinite amount of planets and an infinite amount of solar systems and an infinite amount of galaxies spread throughout an infinite amount of space. | ||
| And that space and the universe itself may be some sort of a geometric pattern that you can duplicate and model. | ||
| You always get on the space thing. | ||
| Well, that's the most amazing thing. | ||
| I do always get on the space thing. | ||
| But it's because I get on the space thing in life. | ||
| When I think about life, when I think about anything, when I think about Obama talking about gays in the military, we must repeal, don't ask, don't tell. | ||
| people go to die too. | ||
| Like, this is nuts. | ||
| Like, you know, who the fuck wants to be in the military now? | ||
| Like, at this point in time, they're saying to him, you know, like, look, okay, we need gay people. | ||
| Let's just be cool about this and get gay people. | ||
| We're running out of people who want to join the military. | ||
| Let's get some gay people in it too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The military, I think, in our grandparents' era, I think they were at least less under the illusion that they were getting fucked. | ||
| I've talked to so many dudes that come back and are so disillusioned. | ||
| That Pat Tillman guy, that's the best example ever. | ||
| There's a dude who's an NFL football star who decides that he wants to go fight for his country. | ||
| The noblest of virtues. | ||
| For a man to want to represent his country in a time of need... | ||
| To realize that he has to step up. | ||
| There are certain times in history where men have to do things. | ||
| And fuck all the glory from being an NFL player. | ||
| He's going to do the right thing and fight for his fucking country. | ||
| And he goes over there and gets killed in friendly fire. | ||
| you know, gets killed. | ||
| Pretty quick too. | ||
| Well, the crazy thing was how quickly he was talking about how fucked up it is over there and how disillusioned he is and how it's a mess and his brother's talking about it and they're completely incompetent and he was talking about how just completely unorganized it is over there and chaotic and how he didn't believe, you know, in what he joined up for the army in the the crazy thing was how quickly he was talking about how fucked He was being tricked and that's not what it was. | ||
| And it was a fascinating, fascinating fucking story. | ||
| You know, and that represents everything that's best about America. | ||
| Like a guy who is willing to look at it and say, man... | ||
| I need to fucking do something. | ||
| Fuck all this football playing. | ||
| I'm gonna go over there. | ||
| I'm gonna make a difference. | ||
| And then when he gets there, he's mad enough to go, oh shit, this is a mess. | ||
| Like, this is not what I wanted. | ||
| I'm not gonna be United States' bitch over this. | ||
| This is craziness. | ||
| This is chaos. | ||
| And then he's dead. | ||
| You know, I mean, which is what happens, man. | ||
| You know, you go to fucking war, people die. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| But it's just, at this point in time, man, you know, there's gotta be better ways around this. | ||
| There's gotta be better ways to, and I don't know what the fuck they are. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Put that shit back so we can see each other. | ||
| I want to read the fucking trap, man. | ||
| Don't be going on TMZ. You got your laptop right there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Yeah, but I'm looking at yours, so I don't do like this, so we don't look at two totally different things like a couple of weird geeks. | ||
| What about the ether? | ||
| Who's doing the ether? | ||
| That was a good Nas song. | ||
| I'm getting into Nas again lately. | ||
| Nas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't like Nas? | ||
| You need to move on, man. | ||
| You should listen to Kid Cudi. | ||
| Don't tell me I need to move on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like Nas. | |
| There's some good music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare he? | |
| I hate Nas now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare he? | |
| I've overheard too much of his stuff now. | ||
| Oh, don't be a bitch, Brian. | ||
| You don't get sick of the same music? | ||
| I do, but I like going back to it on occasion. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I tried to listen to Nas recently, but I was like... | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Kid Cudi, though, I recommend. | ||
| Kid Cudi. | ||
| Kid Cudi. | ||
| What does Kid Cudi do, this Kid Cudi fellow? | ||
| He's just a smooth little rapper. | ||
| Okay, this is the song... | ||
| Whenever I travel, this is the move. | ||
| You eat a pot cookie, like, right before you get to the airport. | ||
| So then you're bored. | ||
| You're not riding dirty. | ||
| You don't have to worry about anybody arresting you. | ||
| It doesn't even kick in until, like, an hour into the flight, you know? | ||
| An hour into the flight, then you're barbecued. | ||
| And then, that's the best way to fly. | ||
| I mean, it's not like you're going to operate in any heavy machinery. | ||
| You're going to think about yourself. | ||
| You're going to think about life. | ||
| You're going to think about a lot of deep, important shit when you're high on an airplane. | ||
| That's the only way I travel. | ||
| That's the best way to do it. | ||
| But then when I land, every time I land, I land to this song. | ||
| Think about yourself. | ||
| You're going to think about life. | ||
| You're going to think about a lot of deep, important shit. | ||
| That's me with a delay. | ||
| I don't want to listen to that. | ||
| This Hip Hop Is Dead song by Nas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As soon as I land. | |
| This is the best way to travel. | ||
| You're barbecued, okay? | ||
| You're contemplating your role in the universe, seeing all these different characters walking through the airport, got the big Dr. Dre Beats headphones on, and I get out of the plane like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It makes it like a ride You tell me you don't like this? | |
| Yeah, but I've heard it a million times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who gives a shit? | |
| Same shit over and over again. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| I like new music. | ||
| Yeah, but there's some classics, bitch. | ||
| This is a goddamn classic. | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| It's like Nirvana. | ||
| Somebody tell me what the fuck is wrong with Ustream. | ||
| What? | ||
| Ustream, get it together, people. | ||
| What? | ||
| I know you're free. | ||
| This shit is whack. | ||
| Can I read this social stream? | ||
| Yes, RyanLeg10, I can. | ||
| But here's the deal, son. | ||
| We've got to keep this bitch flowing. | ||
| And sometimes we're going to look at what you have to say, and sometimes we're not. | ||
| There's no rhyme or reason. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| Don't spam. | ||
| Let the universe be your guide, son! | ||
| Let the universe be your guide. | ||
| It just went down a notch. | ||
| And my book, jamming to that. | ||
| The other song I like to listen to, in all fairness, is Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child. | ||
| That's another badass landing song. | ||
| I used to have that one as my main one. | ||
| I would land and listen to what? | ||
| And the other one is, it's a little gay, Tori Amos, Crucify. | ||
| I like that song. | ||
| What is wrong? | ||
| I like that song. | ||
| I like it landed at Tori Amos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh. | |
| Why do we crucify ourselves every day? | ||
| Her playing the piano. | ||
| Sexy and white. | ||
| Sheets. | ||
| She's white. | ||
| I get to see you in your car with your fanny pack on. | ||
| Blasting out the Tori Amos. | ||
| Most of the time I don't drive with my fanny pack on. | ||
| The only time I do is when I'm on the way to the airport. | ||
| People give the fanny pack a hard time. | ||
| Matt Serra, I saw you on your video blog, which is fucking hilarious, leading up to this week's UFC, and I'm very much looking forward to your fight with Frank Trigg, but I saw you coming down on the fanny pack, my brother, and you gotta let it go. | ||
| Nothing wrong with a fanny pack, okay? | ||
| The only reason there is something wrong with a fanny pack is because you know you can't get laid if you wear a fanny pack. | ||
| So who gives a fuck? | ||
| Anybody that won't fuck you because you wear a fanny pack, you don't want them. | ||
| That's what I have to say. | ||
| That's a functional piece of wardrobe. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| You fucking strap that bitch on right there and you got all your shit right here. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| You go to the airport. | ||
| You take it off. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| You walk through the metal detector. | ||
| I'm not saying you have to wear it every day. | ||
| But if I wear it, fuck you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| I got a fanny pack on. | ||
| I've worn that shit on stage before. | ||
| People get all angry. | ||
| Think it's a prop. | ||
| Am I saying a prop? | ||
| This is my fanny pack, bitch. | ||
| It seems like it would be a prop. | ||
| Yeah, because it's very unstylish. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| The reality is I'm a 42-year-old married dude with a family. | ||
| So you're trying to cover your dick. | ||
| I'm not trying to fuck you. | ||
| I'm trying to walk into the airport with my shit in one place. | ||
| You're trying to cover your hog? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| We're going to have to pull that. | ||
| Fanny packs hide a boner really well. | ||
| Not my boner, bitch. | ||
| Maybe your boner. | ||
| Maybe, I guess. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe it would hurt. | ||
| If you had like a cell phone digging into your dick, you know? | ||
| I like more of like a little backpack sling box. | ||
| It's very rare that I walk with boners anymore though. | ||
| When I was a younger man, I used to have boners like, you know, walking to the airport. | ||
| For some reason, you just got this random boner cooking. | ||
| I don't get those. | ||
| You don't have random boners anymore? | ||
| I get morning boners, but I don't get no random daytime boners. | ||
| Especially if I do a lot of jujitsu. | ||
| And that makes jujitsu sound very gay because it kills your boners. | ||
| I guess I never was, yeah. | ||
| If you do a lot of jujitsu, you're tired all the time. | ||
| Your testosterone's down. | ||
| You know, you're worn out. | ||
| And if you're getting laid all the time, do those two things keep your boners from just occurring randomly? | ||
| But if you're not getting laid and you're not even working out, you're not doing anything, your boners will just start firing up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what's up? | |
| Come on, what's up? | ||
| What's up, bro? | ||
| Who's the fuck, bro? | ||
| What's up, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to get some turkey sliders? | |
| Yeah, if you're not paying attention... | ||
| If you're not giving your dick the proper maintenance work, and you know, I had a joke that was in one of my CDs from way back. | ||
| I don't remember which one. | ||
| I think it was Shining the Happy Jihad. | ||
| It was that you got to jerk off first and then think about what you're doing. | ||
| You should always do that. | ||
| It's really important because your biology will trick you. | ||
| Your biology will have you convinced that you should go follow some crazy girl home who lives in a bad neighborhood and leave your car on the street. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you're horny. | ||
| You'll do some dumb shit. | ||
| You'll do some silly shit. | ||
| And if you jerk off, you're much less likely to do any of that. | ||
| Do you ever play racquetball? | ||
| No, that's the funny thing you say that, because I was just at a gym the other day that had all these racquetball courts, and I was like, that was one of the first times I've ever seen racquetball in a show in a long time. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You would seem like I'd be a scary racquetball partner. | ||
| You'd be one of those guys who'd be like... | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| This is what I don't like about racquetball. | ||
| I've had two knee surgeries. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've had both my ACLs reconstructed and I had another meniscus surgery on my left knee. | ||
| And they work great now. | ||
| I have no problem doing jujitsu and they're fun and it's fine. | ||
| But I think if I did stuff like that, like cutting back and forth all the time, you run the risk of injuring yourself. | ||
| Jujitsu, I can kind of control the movements a little bit more, especially if you pull guard and you control where your legs are going. | ||
| When you're going back and forth like that, you're putting a tremendous amount of pressure on your joints. | ||
| Any explosive movement like that, it's an interesting thing to watch athletically, but for your body, eventually that shit's going to wear the fuck out of you. | ||
| You know what's the craziest thing, man? | ||
| It's when you see old football players, man. | ||
| You gotta respect the fucking dedication that goes into that sport. | ||
| The amount of pain those guys have to deal with. | ||
| Those guys get fucking clipped. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some fucking football games that you see, like we see the clips on YouTube, where dudes are running full steam and just... | ||
| Right into another dude and send him smashing to the ground and another guy fucking piles into it at the same time. | ||
| You watch and you just go, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Your body, your fucking body is just going to get mangled. | ||
| And some of these guys, like running backs, they're like not that big dudes. | ||
| You know, these big fucking gorillas, you're trying to get at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Football's a crazy ass game, man. | ||
| You know when football will be the shit? | ||
| When they can fix any injury. | ||
| Anything they have, anything that happens, they just zap you and it's like they have Apple backup for your hard drive. | ||
| That's all they have for your life. | ||
| Right before you go in and do anything dangerous, they back up your life, you know, like a couple weeks ago, and then they reload you back into the grid. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you die? | |
| Yeah, I died, dude. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| You know, I got crazy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| How crazy would that be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, look, if you believe in like Ray Kurzweil and these futurists that believe that one day you were going to be able to download consciousness into a computer... | ||
| I mean, at a certain point in time, the real question becomes like, what is reality then? | ||
| If you're downloaded into a computer, who keeps the computer on? | ||
| The computers keep the computers on? | ||
| And then we're part of this new life, this new world that exists inside a fucking machine? | ||
| And then your consciousness exists in a machine? | ||
| And what happens to the original version of your consciousness? | ||
| What does Gaia have planned for you after you die? | ||
| Do you really go into some great well of souls and go into the next stage of existence? | ||
| Does that happen? | ||
| And if that does happen, you're already downloaded into the machine. | ||
| Does the well of souls accept you? | ||
| Or does the well of souls go, listen bitch, I don't accept software privacy up in heaven. | ||
| You can't be copying my shit and putting it on BitTorrent down on earth And having all these, you know, come on, man. | ||
| Your time's up, bitch. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You have to move on. | ||
| You know, maybe it doesn't accept you if there's a version of you running in this parallel dimension. | ||
| Maybe heaven won't accept you because you've got to let go. | ||
| That's the whole idea of living and dying is to know that this is a stage. | ||
| Don't be greedy. | ||
| Don't try to live for a thousand years. | ||
| Just get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Go, go, go, go! | ||
| Don't download yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it! | |
| You know? | ||
| It's almost like a kid who wants to go down the slide and he's holding onto the back of the slide... | ||
| And he wants to go down the slide and hold on at the same time. | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
| Either you go down the slide, or you hold on, you'd be a bitch. | ||
| So either you download yourself into a computer, live forever, or you see what's next, like you're supposed to. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Aubrey de Grey believes we will live forever in biological form. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that guy, that Professor Aubrey de Grey, day sleeper, 1988. He's that crazy English dude with the big, long, crazy beard who drinks a lot of beer. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fascinating guy. | ||
| He's, you know, some crazy, mad scientist genius character who is working on changing human beings at the molecular level to prevent aging, to change aging, and working on all these different science things. | ||
| For our anti-aging. | ||
| And the idea is that if you can survive for a few years, the next 20 or 30 years, you're likely that you can live forever. | ||
| Which is really crazy. | ||
| Just insane to think about. | ||
| There's so many people as it is right now. | ||
| Did you see Pandorum, by the way? | ||
| Unsolicited plug here. | ||
| Hold on a second, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'm gonna grab this bitch so you know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| I watched this the other night on Blu-ray. | ||
| It's called Pandorum. | ||
| And this is a movie that Kung Lee is in. | ||
| And that's, I think, how I found out about it the first time. | ||
| And then a dude named Angry Amadeus on my message board made a post about it. | ||
| And he's a pretty smart guy and he was talking about how great it was. | ||
| I said, alright, fuck it, I'll give it a try. | ||
| That guy is an intelligent dude. | ||
| And it's a space horror film. | ||
| And Kung Lee is in it. | ||
| Dennis Quaid is in it. | ||
| Pretty goddamn fucking good movie, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Pretty fun fucking movie. | ||
| It's a horror movie in space. | ||
| Kind of surprised that it didn't get more people into it. | ||
| It was good, man. | ||
| What's the Rotten Tomatoes score? | ||
| I didn't even look. | ||
| Let's look. | ||
| The Rotten Tomatoes score for Pandorum. | ||
| I pretty much trust that shit. | ||
| Rotten Tomatoes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Pretty accurate, usually. | ||
| What do I think about the Nexus One? | ||
| I think it's got a lot of problems now, but once it comes to Verizon, it might be interesting to see what happens. | ||
| I'm kind of more excited about the Tour 2 now, I think. | ||
| Yeah, you know, the thing about the Tour 2, which means a lot to me, is that it's a world phone. | ||
| I need a world phone. | ||
| I travel, bitch. | ||
| I'm international, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Sometimes I'll be visiting my homies in the UK, you know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| 28% of Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| 28%? | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Okay, I completely disagree. | ||
| Yes, it was not perfect. | ||
| Nor was Avatar. | ||
| I'm not looking for perfect movies anymore. | ||
| I'm looking for an escape. | ||
| I'm looking for some fun. | ||
| If I want to be intellectually stimulated, it's not going to be from your gay fucking movie, okay? | ||
| It's going to be from a documentary. | ||
| It's going to be from some real life shit. | ||
| It's going to be from something on space. | ||
| If I'm watching a movie, I want crazy shit with monsters and explosions, and I want excitement, and I want some tits. | ||
| And that movie had all that. | ||
| Click on top critics and read some of the top critics. | ||
| Is that a hot bitch that was kicking over his ass? | ||
| Top critics. | ||
| Yeah, and then read some of the just little blurbs from what their reviews are. | ||
| are because I'm kind of interested to see if because if you like it so much what they have to say about it. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Threw out some obvious questions pop up immediately. | ||
| Yeah, no kidding. | ||
| Jesus Christ, folks. | ||
| Lazily derivative. | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| Perhaps a bit. | ||
| But so what, man? | ||
| It's like a fucking cheeseburger, okay? | ||
| Way too much Tori Amos in soundtrack. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Did they say that? | ||
| My Tori? | ||
| Listen, folks. | ||
| You know what I'm looking forward to? | ||
| The Wolfman, okay? | ||
| The Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro's coming out. | ||
| I know the fucking plot. | ||
| I know it's been done a thousand times before. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| I want some escape. | ||
| I want to see the Wolfman. | ||
| I want to see, like, it's an old school Wolfman 2. This is going to be badass. | ||
| Did you like the old ones? | ||
| Yeah, I loved all of them, dude. | ||
| I loved American Werewolf in London. | ||
| I loved the old Wolfman. | ||
| I loved, there's so many different ones that came out, you know? | ||
| There hasn't been a good one in a long time, though. | ||
| Those Lycan movies, the vampires and the fucking, those are cool looking werewolves. | ||
| They're kind of crazy looking, but they're so CGI that it's hard to take them serious. | ||
| They look dope, but they look fake as fuck. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Anyway, a lot of people thought that movie sucked. | ||
| And you might think it sucks too. | ||
| Be a huge Teen Wolf fan? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I like some science fiction. | ||
| I love horror and science fiction movies. | ||
| I like aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old school aliens. | |
| I like that kind of... | ||
| Oh, old school aliens and shit. | ||
| But this was one that was like that that I hadn't seen. | ||
| So it was fun, man. | ||
| I'll watch that shit again. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I like that! | ||
| I like some stupid shit. | ||
| Stupid shit is not always bad, folks. | ||
| It's like what I was saying about cheeseburgers. | ||
| Sometimes you want a fucking hot dog. | ||
| Sometimes you want to eat a gourmet meal and you want to have a nice, healthy salad first. | ||
| You want to have spring water with lemon in it. | ||
| You want to feel good about yourself. | ||
| You want to feel... | ||
| Sometimes you want a fucking hot dog. | ||
| And you want a hot dog with chili on it, alright? | ||
| And that shit's good. | ||
| When you want it, it's good. | ||
| You know it's... | ||
| Pig assholes and horse dicks. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| It tastes good and you've got sauerkraut in it and mustard. | ||
| That's what this fucking movie is. | ||
| It's a hot dog. | ||
| I live by Wienerschnitzel. | ||
| And have you ever been there? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I haven't been there a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| You can get pretty much whatever you want. | ||
| They have a chicken corn dog hot dog. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think I went to one in Colorado, actually. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good place. | ||
| That was one of the first ones I went to. | ||
| Corn beef hot dog. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Colorado. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Unoriginal plot like Carlos Mencia. | ||
| How dare you, your mama. | ||
| Well, you were doing so well before that. | ||
| Let's not bring up that fool. | ||
| Red Band doesn't like old music. | ||
| Oh, I do love old music. | ||
| But he likes old music. | ||
| You don't know what you're talking about, Frank over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know shit, bro. | |
| I love Beatles. | ||
| Mostly Beatles is my favorite, and Zeppelin is probably my second favorite old music. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Whole Lotta Love is one of my favorite songs of all time. | ||
| There was something about the 70s, man. | ||
| They had a certain... | ||
| The 60s and the 70s. | ||
| They had a certain energy to their music. | ||
| That was representing the changes that were going on in the culture that we haven't had in a long time. | ||
| The thing about Jimi Hendrix and the thing about the Doors and the Beatles and all the Zeppelin, the bands from that era is they were bursting to the scene in one of the most One of the biggest changes in our human culture ever. | ||
| Like, between the 50s and the 70s, shit just went haywire and whacked out of fucking control. | ||
| And all of a sudden there's, you know, love power and stop the war and everyone's doing acid and Ken Kesey and the fucking Merry Pranksters and they're all doing acid. | ||
| Hanging out with fucking Timothy Leary and Hunter Thompson. | ||
| And everyone's trying to change the world. | ||
| And everybody's fucking everybody left and right. | ||
| And Jimi Hendrix is on stage just jamming to his guitar. | ||
| Doing the Star Spangled Banner with his fucking guitar. | ||
| And it's the craziest version of it ever. | ||
| And there's dirty hippies on acid wallowing in the mud in front of them. | ||
| I mean, there was nothing like it. | ||
| There was nothing like it before. | ||
| It changed the culture. | ||
| You know, so that music, when I listen to it, man, I feel that shit in it. | ||
| When I listen to some old Hendrix or some Stones from that era, you feel the fucking time. | ||
| You feel that era. | ||
| It's imprinted in the really great art of that era. | ||
| Like Voodoo Child. | ||
| So many fucking songs. | ||
| Mother's Little Helper. | ||
| So many Stones songs. | ||
| Brown Sugar. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Digital Underground. | ||
| You just ruined the whole... | ||
| You don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| They were good, dude. | ||
| Digital Underground was good when they first came out. | ||
| You know what else was good, man? | ||
| Who does OP Pooh? | ||
| Naughty by Nature. | ||
| Naughty by Nature was the shit. | ||
| Young MC used to be the shit, too. | ||
| Yeah, but Naughty by Nature, yes. | ||
| But I liked Young MC a couple of songs. | ||
| But Naughty by Nature, what I liked about them was that dude's flow was so original. | ||
| Third Bass? | ||
| No, they couldn't fuck with nothing. | ||
| You didn't like their bass? | ||
| That dude, Tretch, had that rhythmic flow that was like, he made all the words rhyme cool, but he also did it almost like he was singing. | ||
| Like he was talking shit and singing at the same time. | ||
| And doing it really fast to show you that he's good at it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, he was like way more skilled than most of those guys. | ||
| Like way more transitions and way craftier. | ||
| You know, when you have it with that doo-doo-doo-doo, you know that, you down with LPP? Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was a great fucking song, man. | ||
| That was a great fucking song. | ||
| That's a perfect example. | ||
| That song I overkilled. | ||
| Never wanted to listen to that song again. | ||
| Now I could probably listen to it. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| Like back then, after a while it got on the radio and you're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's like the Poker Face song. | ||
| It's like, enough! | ||
| Enough! | ||
| NWA Express Yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Express! | |
| I'm expressing with my full capabilities. | ||
| And now I'm living in correctional facilities. | ||
| Because some don't agree with how I do this. | ||
| I get straight and meditate like a Buddhist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a Buddhist. | |
| Yeah, that shit was revolutionary. | ||
| Up early in the morning, dressed in black. | ||
| You know what was freaking me out? | ||
| I first got into NWA, I'd heard about NWA like a little late to the game. | ||
| And this was back when I was still fighting. | ||
| And I was on the treadmill doing my workout and I had the Walkman on. | ||
| It was a Walkman back then, a cassette one. | ||
| And I was listening to it, I think. | ||
| I might have been a CD player. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It definitely wasn't an MP3 player. | ||
| Sony cassette. | ||
| Yeah, it might have been a CD player. | ||
| I can't recall, but I remember listening to it. | ||
| I think it was a cassette. | ||
| I remember listening to it and go, God, these guys are so mean. | ||
| Like, they're all, like, anti-white people and white bitch and white this. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They want to shoot people. | ||
| Like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| I'm listening to music about... | ||
| Then I started getting into, like, ghetto boys and shit. | ||
| It's all, like, people wanting to kill people. | ||
| Ice-T. Like, there was nothing before that. | ||
| You know, like, the rock stars of, like, the 60s and the 70s, nobody ever talked about killing anybody. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, all these rappers, you know, are killing people. | ||
| Colors. | ||
| I am a nightmare walking. | ||
| Psychopath talking. | ||
| Let's get butt naked and fucked tonight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was, like, later stuff. | ||
| But the early stuff that he came out with... | ||
| H-U-S-T-L-E-R, Hustler. | ||
| Remember Two Live Crew? | ||
| I used to listen to Two Live Crew and it's weird. | ||
| I grew up listening to black people talk about sex. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They talk nasty about it. | ||
| People were freaking out. | ||
| People were putting Two Live Crew in jail for being too dirty. | ||
| They were so dirty they wanted to lock them in cages and they did it. | ||
| You know, that's how crazy Florida is. | ||
| In Florida, you can get OxyContin's everywhere you fucking turn. | ||
| You can go to a store, you know, right next to, you know, a fucking apartment building, and they got a pain management center, and you go to these pain management centers, and there's all these OxyContin junkies who's sitting around wanting to get their shit. | ||
| That's okay, but you can't have a black guy talking about eating pussy. | ||
| Getting his dick sucked. | ||
| You know, what is that? | ||
| We're terrified of that. | ||
| Stop doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because I want to read the stream, faggot. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Why do you keep fucking around? | ||
| I'm trying to read what people have to say. | ||
| Public Enemy minus Flavor Flavor. | ||
| Don't hate on Flavor Flavor just because he got paid. | ||
| Don't hate on Flavor because he figured out a way to turn his eccentricities into a show. | ||
| Cool G Rap. | ||
| Cool G Rap and DJ Polo. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| The Beatles or the Stones. | ||
| Depends on the mood, sir. | ||
| You know, what do you think? | ||
| Beatles or the Stones. | ||
| Beatles. | ||
| By a million. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, the Beatles are definitely... | ||
| I never really liked the Stones too much. | ||
| You know who I really like, man? | ||
| That I don't think got enough credit was Soundgarden. | ||
| I think Soundgarden... | ||
| I just love Soundgarden, yeah. | ||
| Soundgarden's... | ||
| Blow Up the Outside World? | ||
| I'm sorry, man. | ||
| That's one of the greatest fucking... | ||
| Temple of the Dog? | ||
| Yeah, Temple of the Dog was great. | ||
| But Blow Up the Outside World, just that song alone, that's one of the greatest songs ever, man. | ||
| They had some really creative fucking songs, and Chris Cornell, his voice just worked so well with that band, you know? | ||
| His other shit that he's been doing, I'm not really into it. | ||
| Yeah, I can't get into it at all. | ||
| But goddamn, he was awesome with Soundgarden. | ||
| You know, his new shit that he did, like the pop shit, like, I'm like, oh, maybe I give the guy a chance once the fuck around, you know? | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| Sometimes you take chances. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| That new Gorillaz is awful. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| God, they were so good. | ||
| It just has this guy screaming jazzy type bluesy stuff in it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| The first time I made out with a chick, I listened to Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was watching WWF number two. | |
| In the basement of my friend's house the first time I ever had sex. | ||
| WWF number two. | ||
| Or whatever it used to be called. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But it was on the TV and it was the first time I ever had sex. | ||
| So it was wrestling. | ||
| Pro wrestling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| WWF. So you were fucked into pro wrestling. | ||
| While pro wrestling was on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did she make like little muffled moans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| To let you know that she liked it? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| She didn't want to get too loud so nobody could hear? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| No, because it was like after homecoming and my friend was upstairs having sex on the family room. | ||
| Oh, so you were just jamming it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So nobody was home. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, so then you put on a show. | ||
| You're trying to... | ||
| Trying to make your friends hear how loud you are, right? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I don't think I did that. | ||
| Smack around shit. | ||
| Shut the fuck up and suck it! | ||
| Let them know you're doing crazy shit down there so they feel uncomfortable. | ||
| It's funny, I don't remember it at all. | ||
| Did you try to do that? | ||
| Try to kill your friend's boner? | ||
| Just by over-freaking? | ||
| No. | ||
| In the room down the hall? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I'm a quiet sex man. | ||
| You gotta gorilla fuck him every now and then, dude. | ||
| You probably scream and everything while you're having sex. | ||
| Yeah, I'm quiet, man. | ||
| I drew into a pillow. | ||
| A lot of rape jokes. | ||
| A lot of positional dominance. | ||
| I'm very good at guard passing. | ||
| I know what the fuck I'm doing. | ||
| Guard passing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| It's funny how, you know, you can date one girl and think that, like, it's cool to choke girls, because that's what they want. | ||
| Like, choke me, choke me, and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't like that at all. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| That's confusing. | ||
| You don't want to associate that with sex, Ari. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| Yeah, Ari loves that. | ||
| He likes smacking girls, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like slapping him in real life. | ||
| It's like slapping him when he's boning him. | ||
| I don't want to connect those two things together, violence and sex. | ||
| Because I think you can connect things in your head. | ||
| You can set up little pathways, and like it or not, they're in there. | ||
| I think sometimes dudes get obsessed with feet. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that is, but it's a thing, and dudes get horny and excited about feet. | ||
| Well, that same shit can happen with slapping people. | ||
| Duncan likes to be spanked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could date a girl and she likes you to slap her and then you get into that and you guys have loco sex because you're slapping her and then fucking her in the ass and she's nutty and then, you know, that's your shit now. | ||
| Like, you're all fired up and the next girl, you're trying to slap her and fuck her in the ass and she's like, you fucking asshole, you piece of shit. | ||
| And you ruin, like, the best relationship ever. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you're addicted to ass-fucking and slapping bitches. | ||
| And that's just wrong, man. | ||
| You need to get your shit together. | ||
| It's funny how different every girl is, too. | ||
| Because, like, some girls just want to be fucked. | ||
| And other girls are like, why are you doing it so rough? | ||
| You know? | ||
| And some girls, they want you to lick their clit like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They want you to go like this. | ||
| And other girls, they want you to lock on that thing and fucking shake your head like a wolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They want you to punch it. | ||
| They want you to get crazy with it. | ||
| They want you to go nutty. | ||
| Some girls want the whole thing. | ||
| They want fingers. | ||
| They want you to fuck their face. | ||
| They want nutty shit. | ||
| But if you try that with other girls, you got problems, son. | ||
| That's why I just let them take control. | ||
| Sometimes you got to take a chance. | ||
| Sometimes you got to roll the dice. | ||
| But you got to know how freaky a girl is. | ||
| And some girls would have never done it before, but you just tried it. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, your party's on. | ||
| I would recommend, as a man of experience, In his elder years. | ||
| Don't get all excited about that ass-fucking. | ||
| That shit is not sanitary. | ||
| It's not good for anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's only... | |
| It doesn't feel better. | ||
| It's just because it's taboo. | ||
| It's nutty. | ||
| That's the trick. | ||
| And it's unsanitary. | ||
| And you could ruin your wife's butthole. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You could break that shit. | ||
| They're all going to have problems shitting within, like, 20 years. | ||
| Well, dudes... | ||
|
unidentified
|
When they get old... | |
| Dudes who are gay... | ||
| A lot of gay dudes just go with the blowjob. | ||
| Blowjob jerking each other off. | ||
| They give up on their ass-fucking. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of gay dudes, they're like... | ||
| It's hard to get your asshole pounded. | ||
| Some big dick, Lexington Steel-type character ripping your asshole apart. | ||
| And there's a lot of that online. | ||
| We were talking about that, about how easy it is to see porn online. | ||
| Like, ass-fuck porn. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Like, within a couple clicks. | ||
| All you have to do is just put it in your Google, go to a site, and it's free. | ||
| You just have to pay a lot of money for little, shitty-ass, tiny videos that you can download online. | ||
| Or magazines, or Sears catalogs, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean the porn, just the evolution of porn over the last few years. | ||
| I mean, now you get like these YouPorn sites and, you know, Pornhub. | ||
| Submit your flicks. | ||
| They're giant big pictures. | ||
| I mean, it's a giant big image, and it's high quality, and it's free. | ||
| Like, how the fuck are they able to do that? | ||
| Is everybody getting paid? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| And if that's happening, who the fuck is buying porn these days? | ||
| How down are their sales? | ||
| If anybody needs a bailout... | ||
| Porn in period, it's down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no reason for porn anymore. | ||
| People have moved on where people with webcams are now giving it for free on their Facebook pages. | ||
| Well, I've always said about porn, why would you need to make more porns? | ||
| There's like billions of porns. | ||
| You couldn't possibly have jerked off to all of them. | ||
| It's not even possible. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| Unless you're so goddamn specific... | ||
| You know, like you follow one girl and you know, it's a... | ||
| A fantasy adventure porn. | ||
| It's all acted out. | ||
| There's only three fuck scenes in the whole hour and a half movie, but there's a lot of bad acting. | ||
| There's dudes who are into those. | ||
| They follow one particular porn star and they get into her and get obsessed by her and go to meet her at the AVN Awards and sign autographs with them. | ||
| Some dudes just lock onto one chick. | ||
| But if you're just looking to jerk off to stuff, you don't have to ever make new porns. | ||
| There's plenty of porns. | ||
| Nobody's seen them all. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| How many porns are there? | ||
| Do you know Twitterverse? | ||
| Anybody have any idea? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of these porn stars have moved on to just paying per, like, live, like, this kind of web streaming. | ||
| Like, you rent them for an hour. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You're like, alright, I want you to put this at your butthole and stuff like that. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| I should probably do that. | ||
| I wonder how much I can get. | ||
| Something in my butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| What was I talking about? | ||
| Oh, um... | ||
| Tyler Knight is a dude who's a porn star. | ||
| His name's Tyler Knight. | ||
| He's a guy who played, um... | ||
| He was in the, uh, the Bill Cosby one. | ||
| the Bill Cosby porn that Thomas Ward was in. | ||
| Thomas Ward played Cosby. | ||
| They did a porno thing. | ||
| He's a real cool dude. | ||
| He's this porn actor who is also a really good writer. | ||
| He's got this great, I don't know his blog title, unfortunately. | ||
| But he's, you know what, I'm going to find it for you because he really writes some crazy shit. | ||
| But he's a really cool dude. | ||
| And he does jiu-jitsu with us at 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu in Hollywood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Cosby show. | |
| Yeah, he's a really tough guy, too. | ||
| He had a boxing match with Mario Lopez, but Mario laid them fangs on him! | ||
| Mario gave a beating. | ||
| Not a beating, but he beat him. | ||
| I shouldn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does Mario Lopez fight a lot? | |
| I think he has fought a bunch of times. | ||
| He's a tough dude, man. | ||
| He likes to box, and he's really athletic. | ||
| He's really good at it. | ||
| He's... | ||
| Oh, Tyler Knight... | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Tylerknight.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why do you already have that in your bookmarks? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| He's my buddy, man. | ||
| Don't be gay. | ||
| Alright, I'm going to book here. | ||
| Check out Tylerknight's blog. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| It's a really interesting story. | ||
| It's because he's a porn star, but he's a really intelligent dude and a good writer and a really fucking cool guy. | ||
| Like a really nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rogan Bord is not accepting new people to register. | |
| It's not? | ||
| That's what somebody's just twitted. | ||
| No, it is. | ||
| I'll accept people. | ||
| You just gotta give me a day or two. | ||
| I do it myself. | ||
| Because I don't want anybody getting crazy. | ||
| I don't want to keep track of this whole thing. | ||
| I'm gonna follow him. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Following Tyler Knight. | ||
| My large penis friend. | ||
| I haven't seen his cock. | ||
| Alright, here it goes. | ||
| So hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What nasty. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| We're just getting started, son. | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| The Tyler Knight thing. | ||
| We're going to address a few more questions and then we're going to get out. | ||
| We haven't been doing it for two hours, man. | ||
| It's only been doing it for two hours. | ||
| No, I'm just saying, I'm just running out of steam. | ||
| Where can I watch such great heights? | ||
| What are you talking about, son? | ||
| Oh, the video. | ||
| The porno video. | ||
| I'm sure you can you-porn it or something. | ||
| I mean, those fucking things are everywhere. | ||
| What I want to know about these things, about these you-porns, is how do they make money and how do porns make money now? | ||
| I mean, are a lot of people that are doing that? | ||
| Are they still filming things and paying for them? | ||
| Yeah, I think right now it's things like the Cosby Show type porn stuff where it has to be something like a gag gift almost type thing. | ||
| I wonder, man, because they're still filming a lot of them. | ||
| Derek's always working. | ||
| I wonder where, I mean, maybe websites are eventually going to start sponsoring their own porn, you know? | ||
| Well, that's why I was saying most porn stars have gone to doing their own webcam type thing. | ||
| No, but what I meant was websites getting exclusive content deals with porn stars who are filming their own porns, you know, and like people get to write in suggestions, you know, hey, I want to watch... | ||
| Jesse James sucked Lexington Steel's dick on a boat wearing a Japanese samurai outfit. | ||
| Okay, we're going to film that. | ||
| And they filmed that and put it online. | ||
| Still, I would never pay for it. | ||
| There's no reason to pay for it. | ||
| Well, you wouldn't pay for it, but if you felt like you were creating it, you know, maybe it's like one of those build-a-shoe websites where you could put your own purple stripe on your Nikes. | ||
| If you go to Ustream at night, you can find the same shit for free. | ||
| Maybe not, man. | ||
| There's a whole website devoted to that. | ||
| Maybe this is the future. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Maybe the future is people will fuck live in front of you and you can tell them what to do. | ||
| Yeah, but they do that already. | ||
| They already do that though. | ||
| No, but I mean like hot chicks. | ||
| Yeah, I mean there's pretty good hot chicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| There's a lot of websites that do that. | ||
| Where girls like sit in front of the TV or sit in front of the laptop and then you go, all right, suck it, suck it. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Every day, yeah. | ||
| That's been happening for a long time. | ||
| There used to be a thing, whatever that pal talk. | ||
| This guy's a dirty pervert. | ||
| Pal talk is that. | ||
| That's all Pile Talk is. | ||
| It's people having sex. | ||
| There's people that like people to watch them have sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And people are just sitting there like, oh, do it in your butt. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they do that? | ||
| Yeah, that's been happening since AOL days. | ||
| We're going to have to get on Pile Talk. | ||
| That's the problem with having a Mac. | ||
| It's not even on Pile Talk, I don't think, anymore. | ||
| They cut it out. | ||
| Well, it's on everything now. | ||
| It's on Ustream. | ||
| It's on Justin TV. What the fuck? | ||
| Where are the links? | ||
| There's actually links. | ||
| Somebody posted a couple weeks ago. | ||
| I want to watch people fuck. | ||
| What is it about fucking that's so private? | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's like we want to do it so badly. | ||
| Everybody lives for it. | ||
| We all acknowledge that we all live for it. | ||
| But if anybody catches you doing it, anybody catches you engaging in that sort of pleasure, it's so intimate and revealing about you. | ||
| It's like we're so terrified of revealing things about ourselves. | ||
| And that's the big one. | ||
| It's people seeing you fuck. | ||
| People seeing, you know, you suck someone's pussy. | ||
| People seeing you fuck some girl and ever suck your dick. | ||
| Oh, crazy. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| You know, there's something about that, that people associate that with, like, almost like madness, you know? | ||
| Like, the people that are willing to, like, watch, you know, stand there while people watch them fuck. | ||
| Like, wow, they're crazy. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| Like, they can just do it, perform in front of everybody. | ||
| Like, dudes get creeped out. | ||
| But if a guy, you're at a party and everybody's having a good time, it's over your house, and this dude just goes crazy and pulls his dick out and this girl starts sucking it right at your party, you're going to be uncomfortable. | ||
| You're going to be nervous, right? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Because if he had a knot in his neck, it's like, ugh, my neck's killing me. | ||
| And his girlfriend was massaging him while you guys were all talking, that would be cool. | ||
| Like, oh, we're having a nice conversation, everything's cool. | ||
| She's just making him feel better. | ||
| But if he's like, let me suck my dick real quick. | ||
| How come everybody can't go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha? | ||
| Look, he's getting a pillow drop right there in front of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. | |
| No, everybody gets really freaked out. | ||
| Because it feels too good. | ||
| It's like the back rub feels good, but sucking your dick is just too crazy. | ||
| He's got his dick in our mouth right in front of everybody. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's something about that, right? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Clothes are weird, too. | ||
| It's almost like... | ||
| Clothes and covering your dick, covering your pussy, is like somehow or another we've intellectualized That not only do we have to survive in all these different climates and we have to, you know, make sure that we have some stuff to cover us and keep us warm, but we also gotta slow the fuck down. | ||
| Make it tougher to fuck. | ||
| It can't just be like right there. | ||
| It can't just be dicks hanging out, pussies hanging out, cause we're just gonna fuck. | ||
| We're just gonna make too many people. | ||
| Even in like hot weather, it's totally unacceptable to walk around naked everywhere and just start fucking people at the supermarket. | ||
| But that's what would happen. | ||
| If everybody was naked, if you lived in Florida, when it's 110 degrees, you don't have to wear fucking clothes, okay? | ||
| And if there was no laws against wearing clothes and people just started walking around naked, people would fuck everywhere. | ||
| They'd be fucking in bushes and trees. | ||
| They'd fuck in the car. | ||
| There'd be chicks sucking guys dicks while they were driving. | ||
| Everywhere you looked, it would be going on. | ||
| It would be everywhere. | ||
| There would be way more crashes from getting your dick sucked driving than there would be from twittering or from texting while driving. | ||
| Or it might be the exact opposite and you're seeing people's floppy tits everywhere. | ||
| You're like, ugh, look at these. | ||
| Floppy tits everywhere. | ||
| I can't see this floppy tits. | ||
| Yeah, that'll annoy you for about a day. | ||
| And then you're going to want to get your dick sucked. | ||
| Alright, trust me. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Alright, you're going to fuck. | ||
| It might be creepy as fuck. | ||
| I might be at Starbucks and I'm like, God, everyone shits everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, maybe you can't handle it. | ||
| It's because the dude right next to you has got a big giant ass snake dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| Fucking this white woman's mouth. | ||
| Why are you trying to enjoy your latte? | ||
| It could take one 80-year-old lady tit to ruin my whole day. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You 18-year-old lady tit. | ||
| You say that, but if Jessica Biel's naked fingering herself right next to that 80-year-old lady, you'll snap out of it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You'll snap out of it. | ||
| You'll forget about that old lady. | ||
| Get out of my mind. | ||
| Maybe Jennifer Biel has a hairy asshole and is going to be like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't mind. | |
| I got a razor and I got some free time. | ||
| I don't care if she's got a hairy bottle. | ||
| I'll get in there. | ||
| I'll clean it all up. | ||
| I'll polish it down. | ||
| I'll buff it. | ||
| I'll put a little cream on it. | ||
| I'll do whatever she wants. | ||
| What, I got a shaver? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's kind of a weird thing that all women agree that hair is gross. | ||
| It's like, this is what we look like, goddammit. | ||
| Okay, we grow hair. | ||
| I mean, some women like this kind of shit. | ||
| They like men to have hair. | ||
| Or men having hairy chest or hairy legs. | ||
| But they all agree that women with hair is gross. | ||
| No one is all psyched up about girls being hairy. | ||
| Some like that shit, man. | ||
| Hairy feet and hairy legs and shit? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Especially hippie dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You think so? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, man. | ||
| Well, okay, maybe. | ||
| But almost universally, I mean, there's got to be a few exceptions, but almost universally we've accepted the fact that girls' hair is not sexy, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think fucking hair is disgusting. | ||
| Especially when they have it on their back. | ||
| Isn't that amazing, though? | ||
| But it's amazing that we make girls take stuff off their body that grows naturally to perpetrate some new look, some new sleeker model that's coming in the future that's less monkey. | ||
| You know, that's clearly what we're trying to do. | ||
| When you're into shaved pussies and shaved legs and even when dudes shave themselves down and get all oiled up and try to look all sexy, what you're trying to do is you're trying to get as far away from the monkey as possible. | ||
| You're becoming some sleek, you know, almost like silver surfer looking thing, you know, where you're like evolving, you know, you're a form, you know, you're round and smooth and You're not hairy and fucking primitive and ape-like. | ||
| Whatever we're trying to do, that's about evolution. | ||
| We're trying to get rid of as much monkey as possible before we fuck you. | ||
| We don't want no crazy bitch that's going to go nutty and eat the babies. | ||
| We want this bitch to get rid of all the hair. | ||
| Get rid of everything. | ||
| What's this shit? | ||
| Are you going to bleach that? | ||
| Can you bleach that? | ||
| No, let's just wax that shit. | ||
| Wax it, wax it. | ||
| But I'm going to keep waxing it. | ||
| Just shave it. | ||
| We're going to get rid of it. | ||
| We're going to give you hormones. | ||
| Get rid of that. | ||
| You've got to get rid of all this. | ||
| Why is this down here? | ||
| Why do you have hair right there? | ||
| Can you wax that? | ||
| Can you wax that? | ||
| Whatever we want to do, we want to make you as less monkey as possible. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| I mean, when you see a big hairy dude... | ||
| Do you remember George the Animal Steel from wrestling? | ||
| George the Animal Steel was this fucking badass pro wrestler. | ||
| And one of the things about him was he was so hairy. | ||
| I mean, it was incredible. | ||
| He was like an animal. | ||
| He really was like a monkey. | ||
| I mean, he was just this thick fucking bald dude who had just hair everywhere. | ||
| His back, his arms... | ||
| He had been in a bunch of movies, too, because he's such a character, such a unique-looking guy. | ||
| But, man, if there's anybody that ever looked more like an ape, I mean, he's so hairy. | ||
| Like, that's why his nickname worked. | ||
| I mean, if it was the same guy, but you shaved all that hair off, you couldn't call him George the Animal Steal. | ||
| It wouldn't be nearly as good. | ||
| The part that was cool was that he was a fucking gorilla, man. | ||
| It was crazy to see. | ||
| Three girls in a cup made you gag? | ||
| This is one of those guys that fucks up everything. | ||
| You know those guys that tell you a story? | ||
| Who's that fucking guy? | ||
| They hit three cups. | ||
| Five girls. | ||
| Tracy Morgan guy. | ||
| I never saw three girls, one cup. | ||
| I don't need to see that. | ||
| I saw two girls, one cup. | ||
| That was bad enough. | ||
| I'm surprisingly soft when it comes to shock sick stuff. | ||
| How dare you, Eddie Strike? | ||
| How dare you question my manhood? | ||
| Yeah, no, you're right. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think too much. | ||
| So when I see something really fucked up, I don't just go, eh, faggot's dead. | ||
| I think of all the different shit that led up to it and how it happened and who did it and what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Look, Dan Cook is having a live exclusive comedy show. | ||
| Oh, order. | ||
| You have to pay for it? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wow, that's what they're doing now? | ||
| People are doing live shows and you pay for them? | ||
| Some people, when you're selling out theaters, there's a reason for that. | ||
| He's not selling out theaters, he's selling out arenas. | ||
| There's a reason for that. | ||
| You've got a different beast. | ||
| You've got people that are just 14 and ready to go. | ||
| Maybe it's the ejaculation at the end. | ||
| No one wants to get hit. | ||
| I don't know what that guy's talking about. | ||
| That was too long ago. | ||
| Sometimes people post something about what we were talking about five minutes ago. | ||
| We don't remember the fuck we were talking about five minutes ago. | ||
| Mr. Hands is horrific. | ||
| Yes, it is horrific. | ||
| If you haven't seen it, you must watch it. | ||
| What are my thoughts on breast implants? | ||
| Is it a ridiculous concept? | ||
| Vic NorCal. | ||
| Yeah, it is, right? | ||
|
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What? | |
| Breast implants are one of the weirdest things about human beings. | ||
| It makes a girl more attractive if you stick some things under her chest. | ||
| And parts of our body are pressed forward and are larger. | ||
| I like bigger nipples. | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Do you like silver dollar ones or big pointy ones? | ||
| Big silver dollar areolas. | ||
| Those are great. | ||
| God, those are awesome. | ||
| I like big tits. | ||
| I like big tits. | ||
| You know what's strange is how many people are getting butt jobs these days. | ||
| Apparently it's a real issue. | ||
| Butt job? | ||
| I have a buddy. | ||
| Do you think Coco has a butt job or do you think that's real? | ||
| No, it's real apparently. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, she's always had that. | ||
| It's not like there's any pictures of her back in the day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, she's just got those freak genetics. | ||
| But there was a buddy of mine and he was joking around. | ||
| He's been dating this girl for like four months. | ||
| He's joking around, would you get a butt job? | ||
| Like joking around about her ass being nice. | ||
| And she goes, actually, I did. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| And it turns out, like, girls are getting them left and right. | ||
| They're getting butt implants to make their butt stick out more. | ||
| How about you just go to the gym, you fucking lazy bitches, okay? | ||
| You crazy lazy bitches. | ||
| Put some weights on your back and do some fucking squats, okay? | ||
| What, is your whole 24-hour day filled? | ||
| You can't do some of this? | ||
| Yes, you can, you lazy bitch. | ||
| Don't go to a fucking doctor's office and have them cut a hole in your snatch and stuff some fucking airbags up there. | ||
| That's ridiculous, okay? | ||
| You need to go to the fucking gym. | ||
| If you want to grow an ass, go to the fucking gym. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Am I right, Brian? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| You like fake butts? | ||
| I think there's nothing wrong with the difference between fake boobs and fake butts. | ||
| I think... | ||
| You're crazy! | ||
| You're not getting the real genetics. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| It's like fake steak, okay? | ||
| Girls who have like a real juicy ass, the real wide hips, small waist, those girls are freaks, okay? | ||
| That's why guys are attracted to them. | ||
| They have so much hormones in their body. | ||
| They have so much going on. | ||
| Those girls are horny as fuck. | ||
| It's nature. | ||
|
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Little waist, big ass. | |
| That's why you're attracted to them because they're the most capable of giving birth. | ||
| They have birthing hips and we find those attractive and they have enough fat on the ass to ensure that they're going to survive during the pregnancy. | ||
| We like that. | ||
| We like a little plumpness. | ||
| It's attractive to us. | ||
| That feels better. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Those are freaks. | ||
| Yeah, that's her real ass though. | ||
| That's her real ass. | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| It is! | ||
| Dude, it's her real ass. | ||
| It's been confirmed. | ||
| Scientists and the fucking Mythbusters got involved. | ||
| They know it's a real ass. | ||
| Fake tits look ridiculous. | ||
| I think IT's like, yo, we're not going to tell anybody. | ||
| Fake tits do ridiculous, but they still do look good sometimes too, man. | ||
| You know, I'm not going to lie. | ||
| I know as a human being, I know it's completely ludicrous that I find a girl more attractive because she's got these bags in her skin and they make her... | ||
| Tits hang out more. | ||
| But still, you do. | ||
| You're more attracted to the frame. | ||
| It's like there's something going on in our bodies. | ||
| There's a frequency that we try to hit physically, that men try to hit and women try to hit to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex. | ||
| And whatever the fuck it is, we try to be in it and we try to nail it. | ||
| It's being a certain weight and being healthy and smelling good. | ||
| It's also being a certain shape. | ||
| There's like women want a certain shape to men. | ||
| There's guys who get like peck implants because they can't grow. | ||
| They don't grow muscle very well, I guess. | ||
| And they try to do a lot of bench pressing. | ||
| They get lazy. | ||
| And so they just stick these plastic things in their chest and make their own boobs grow out. | ||
| And they have things for their arms too and for their calves to make their bodies look bigger. | ||
| I mean, it's all craziness. | ||
| But it's all desire to be loved. | ||
| It all comes from some weird thing we want to be... | ||
| We want to be the desirable shape that everybody's looking for. | ||
| Very strange, you know? | ||
| What else we got here? | ||
| The painting behind me, what is it? | ||
| It's not a painting, it's a photograph. | ||
| It says, an American girl in Italy in 1951, and it's by this lady, Ruth Orkin. | ||
| And she took a picture of this poor girl walking down the street, an American girl, and she's in Italy, where my ancestors are from, all those fucking savages, and they're all grabbing their dicks. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this picture, man. | ||
|
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This guy's grabbing his dick, and he's making them... | |
| That face. | ||
| And these guys are all laughing. | ||
| There's an old guy. | ||
| And he's got a fucking cigarette out here like this. | ||
| And this guy's got his pants up to his ribcage. | ||
| And they're all staring mercilessly at this one chick. | ||
| And she walks through this fucking snake pit of men. | ||
| This gauntlet of shitty dudes just hanging out in the street looking for trouble. | ||
| Looking to stick the dick in somebody. | ||
| Those people are savages. | ||
| Look at them, they got loafers on with no socks. | ||
| 1951. And, you know, when people talk to you about the good old days, and, you know, you watch TV and you see Father Knows Best, and you think that's what people were really like? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what the people on TV were really like. | ||
| This shit was still going on. | ||
| Human beings, don't get tricked. | ||
| We're not crazy. | ||
| We've always been crazy. | ||
| It's not like this generation's fucked up. | ||
| Every generation's fucked up. | ||
| So, that's why I like that picture. | ||
| And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think that should be it, right? | ||
| Anything else? | ||
| What about stick cam was a no-go? | ||
| What are you, a stick cam junkie fella? | ||
| Is that your favorite site? | ||
| I don't know if... | ||
| I don't know if stiff cam will be better, but Ustream seems to be pretty good. | ||
| Except right now it's frozen. | ||
| No, I just paused it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Our upload is not as good as our downstream. | ||
| That's way more sinister than I expected. | ||
| What is sinister? | ||
|
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What did I say? | |
| Alright. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| The Taliban is putting explosives in women's suicide bombers, this guy just said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did hear about that. | ||
| That's pretty nutty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how they talked those chicks into it. | ||
| I heard what they're doing is they're raping women and they're getting these women and humiliating them and getting them to the point where they... | ||
| Coco's butt implants! | ||
| Oh my goodness! | ||
| This gentleman here just nailed it. | ||
| We're gonna find out if you're correct, sir, if this guy's right. | ||
| We got a fucking scandal on our hands. | ||
| And this will be another case, by the way, if it is right, of Brian being able to spot the phony. | ||
| Brian is awesome at spotting the phony. | ||
| Brian spots more fake shit on the internet than anybody I've ever met in my life. | ||
| I think that's true, right? | ||
| I think you deserve that designation. | ||
| Look at that dirty bitch. | ||
| Oh, that's her? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh my god, it's a fake ass. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What makes you think that was real? | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
|
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What makes you think that's real, really? | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so real. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Coco before butt implants. | ||
| God, she ruined a perfect ass too. | ||
| Look at her ass before implants. | ||
| It looks pretty fucking hot. | ||
| Now? | ||
| Hell yeah, it's cartoon ass. | ||
| That's like Pamela Anderson back in the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now that I find out there's some bags of shit in there, no. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| I like the old one. | ||
| That one's a beautiful ass. | ||
| Did you put it online? | ||
| Did you retweet that gentleman? | ||
| Did you tweet that to me, buddy? | ||
| I'll retweet that shit. | ||
| That's pretty powerful. | ||
| So it looks like Coco has a goddamn butt implant, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Is there anything sacred in this world anymore? | ||
|
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Hmm? | |
| Dude, Twitter that to me, man, my friend. | ||
| Twitter that to Joe Rogan, D-O-T-N-E-T, and I'll retweet it, that Coco's butt implants thing. | ||
| Otherwise, if you can post it. | ||
| Post that link. | ||
| Post that link. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
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I'll get it. | |
| I'll do it right now. | ||
| So that's really what's important in the world, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We went from space to Coco's butt implants. | ||
| That's how we roll here in the Joe Rogan Podcast. | ||
| I think that's the end, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Brian and I are going to go get something to eat. | ||
| You hungry? | ||
| Actually, no. | ||
| I'm going to try to beat the traffic. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Producer Jill Scott, you can't leave me. | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| I'm happy I don't know who that is. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I've been inundated by human beings and information. |
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