Jan. 13, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:22:13
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| So the DSL is gone and now I got cable and cable's fast as fuck. | ||
| So we're going to be able to air videos and shit while it's going on. | ||
| And my mom designed my office purple shades, bro. | ||
| What's wrong with purple? | ||
| It's a beautiful color. | ||
| You don't like that color? | ||
|
unidentified
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It should be fucking black dude with skulls like your fucking shirt, bro. | |
| There's nothing wrong with purple, my friend. | ||
| It's a beautiful color. | ||
| And there's Brian. | ||
| See Brian in the corner there? | ||
| Brian is actually right next to me, but he's getting face fucked by that advertisement. | ||
| You're going to get face fucked. | ||
| You should move yourself up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hi, I'm over here now. | |
| Can you move yourself up right next to me? | ||
| There we go. | ||
| That's better, because you're not going to get fucked by that. | ||
| No, don't go all the way up there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| No, right in the middle. | ||
| Move over towards my head more. | ||
| Look over this way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, this way. | ||
|
unidentified
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This way? | |
| Hi. | ||
|
unidentified
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There we go. | |
| Perfect. | ||
| That's Brian. | ||
| Brian's right next to me. | ||
| Anyway, we're just talking about the internet being an awesome... | ||
| I mean, to be able to communicate with people directly like this, to be able to get the answers to any question at any time, to me, it's the greatest fucking thing in the world. | ||
| I spend most of my day staring at a screen, reading stories, watching fucking YouTube videos. | ||
| I swear I've learned more from the internet, more from just being on message boards than I ever have from, you know, from other shit. | ||
| I've gotten into all sorts of different subjects because of message boards, you know, and wound up, you know, being fans of musicians and comedians and people I would have never heard of if it wasn't for message boards. | ||
| It's like a whole online party. | ||
| I meet more people online than I do in real life now. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And I don't just live in my house. | ||
| I go out a lot. | ||
| But it's just more people interested in the same things I like and get to know them better on the internet. | ||
| Yeah, well, the internet allows you, when someone posts for a long time, like you watch, especially a message board community, you get to see how they interact with other people. | ||
| You get to see what happens when they're challenged on their ideas. | ||
| You get to see what they're made of. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| The way people write is different than the way they talk. | ||
| Because people can think they're slick. | ||
| And they could try to bullshit you by really patiently scribing out their words, but they're not tricking you eventually. | ||
| Eventually, that shit just comes out because they don't realize how douchey they are. | ||
| They don't realize. | ||
| They think they're not douchey, but in your writing, the douchey always comes out. | ||
| It's like this is your, it's your expression is almost like a pronoun of you. | ||
| It's like, it's like, you know, like your DNA or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And plus Google helps too because then you catch a lot of people bullshit. | ||
| You know, like. | ||
| Wait, what are you talking about? | ||
| Check out these photos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People love to talk shit. | ||
| People love to pretend that they know things. | ||
| Nobody wants to pretend that they're fucking clueless. | ||
| You know, everybody wants to be the wizard. | ||
| Everybody wants to be the smartest man in the world. | ||
| You know, nobody could just be a person. | ||
| You know, it's real interesting, man. | ||
| It's real interesting. | ||
| But people love to talk shit. | ||
| And for the longest time, they just got away with it. | ||
| For the longest time, people can bullshit. | ||
| I got a text message from someone. | ||
| This chump's just coming in. | ||
| From Chandra? | ||
| Are you with Joe? | ||
| So any chance of doing a Miami interview? | ||
| Tell that bitch, we're doing a podcast. | ||
| She should know. | ||
| Three to five is podcast. | ||
| I say, bitch, with the highest level of affection. | ||
| It's all just in fun. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, so what do we got here? | ||
| Check out some stuff. | ||
| So have you seen any of the photos or videos of the hurricane damage? | ||
| You mean the earthquake in Haiti? | ||
| Our earthquake, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm sorry. | |
| No, I haven't seen that, man. | ||
| I heard the CNN thing that I got on my phone. | ||
| I get breaking important news stories on my phone. | ||
| The last one I got before this one was that Simon Cowell is quitting American Idol. | ||
| Mike, you motherfucker. | ||
| That's awful too, though. | ||
| That's awful news. | ||
| Is it awful news? | ||
| Dude, if you watch American Idol without, that's the only point reason to watch it is watching Simon bash people, the things that he says, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah, right now, dude, he was saying that he's a bad person. | ||
| What about Ryan Seacrest and his beautiful hair? | ||
| Was he saying some brutal shit? | ||
| Dude, genius. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's one of the best. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Okay, I need to watch him more often. | ||
| I don't have a good opinion of him. | ||
| My opinion of him is that he's always mean to these people that are trying hard to, like, and they suck. | ||
| You know, like, he can't. | ||
| I mean, I guess he can be mean, but, you know, why do it? | ||
| They're all fucked in the head, you know? | ||
| I mean, I think it's kind of funny, but that guy puts out a lot of negative energy. | ||
| Well, he's just blatantly honest. | ||
| He's like, he is blatantly honest. | ||
| He's mean about it, isn't he? | ||
| He's not really mean. | ||
| He's just so honest that it's mean. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, he's really interesting what he says because, like, he'll say something. | ||
| Well, he's dead right, too. | ||
| He's dead right. | ||
| He's dead right. | ||
| Dead right. | ||
| 100% of the time. | ||
| I've only watched it like literally twice. | ||
| And one that I can remember. | ||
| When I was so high, I don't even know what happened. | ||
| But one I can remember. | ||
| And it was just painfully, you know, clueless people who are just trying to be like the shit. | ||
| And they get out there and they don't even know that they have no talent whatsoever. | ||
| But I know so many people like that from stand-up comedy. | ||
| We all know dudes from stand-up comedy who never feel like they're bombing. | ||
| In the beginning, you'd have done open mic nights. | ||
| You know what it's like. | ||
| There's some people in open mic night communities that are crazy and they really think they're good. | ||
| And they would love to have an opportunity to do something like American Idol for stand-up. | ||
| They would get up there and go fucking crazy and be upset. | ||
| And just like those American Idol people are, they get fucking mad. | ||
| I've seen some people, they leave that Simon Cowell dude and start fucking crying and wailing and yelling at him. | ||
| You don't know shit, Simon. | ||
| You know, they get fucking angry, man. | ||
| Black women especially. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I don't even know if black women especially. | ||
| I've seen two fucking episodes. | ||
| What am I talking about? | ||
| I saw a couple of black brothers get mad, though. | ||
| I'm not a huge fan or anything, but every time I see an episode, I'm just bawling how hilarious it is. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So he's going to do his own show called the X Factor. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's basically all of the duels, supposedly. | |
| And so he's pretty much going to leave. | ||
| Why not have Paula Abdul? | ||
| Are they stupid? | ||
| They're like, she's incompetent. | ||
| Yeah, that's part of the fun, man. | ||
| You need to pill that bitch up and just prop her up. | ||
| Just shove a broom up her ass and push her forward and get her in front of the camera. | ||
| Let her talk crazy. | ||
| That's part of the fun of the show, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Isn't it? | |
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I don't have a lot of fun. | ||
| YouTube clips that I would get. | ||
| Like, people send me one of them occasionally. | ||
| Like the one where she said your first song, it was really cool, but your second song I didn't like. | ||
| And they were like, he only just sang one song. | ||
| Like, she's so fucking whacked out of it. | ||
| Well, you know why, right? | ||
| She was in a car accident. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they're like, real, supposedly, if it's like real pain. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Oh, well, you know what happens, man? | ||
| That's what happened to Carl Parisian, too. | ||
| You know, Carl Parisian got a real bad injury and took pain pills. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, pain pills are a motherfucker, man. | ||
| I know a lot of people that have had problems with pain pills. | ||
| You know, people with anything, sort of a chronic problem where you have to take them. | ||
| You know, those motherfuckers, they'll grab a hold of you. | ||
| And it's not just, you know, the weak or, you know, people like that. | ||
| People have a weird opinion of people that get hooked on drugs. | ||
| You know, but I've met some Carl Parisians. | ||
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if I'm just saying, I shouldn't say Carl because I don't think Carl has a problem with him. | ||
| I think Carl has some sort of an anxiety disorder. | ||
| But I know that he had to take them. | ||
| And it's hard once you take them to get rid of them. | ||
| I know a bunch of dudes that like need them. | ||
| Like people that have like any sort of a back injury, debilitating back injury, and that you get hooked on those bitches and they get you through the day. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know a lot of people that just need that, man. | |
| They need them. | ||
| It's just terrible. | ||
| And what I was saying is, the dudes that I know that have had problems with pain pills, a lot of them have been really smart guys that went to college and they're not idiots, you know? | ||
| Why do you have that thing in front of my face? | ||
| I'm moving it. | ||
| I'm just going to show you this video in a second. | ||
| Well, okay, man, but you can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, it's only been a second. | ||
| I've seen this. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was going to talk about it. | ||
| Okay, but why do you have it in front of my fucking face? | ||
| I like looking at myself. | ||
|
unidentified
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Calm down. | |
| Well, nobody knows what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, who cares? | ||
| It's a fucking webcast. | ||
|
unidentified
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Dude, this is serious business. | |
| That's the great thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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We don't have to do that. | |
| I totally forgot what I was even talking about now. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| Actually, I was doing this. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Stop listening. | ||
| You stupid bullshit. | ||
| Tell me, ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck was I just talking about, huh? | ||
| Pretty crazy about that dog, though, and that hurt that video, huh? | ||
| The dog in the video. | ||
| Yeah, so there was a dog that knew about the earthquake before the people do. | ||
| That's because people hear shit and they don't pay attention. | ||
| The dog heard something. | ||
| He's probably like, what the fuck? | ||
| And the person was like, what the fuck is that shit? | ||
| And he didn't react. | ||
| And then it hit. | ||
| Because it was only like a second before it. | ||
| There's that video right here. | ||
| Watch the dog. | ||
| It just freaked out and ran. | ||
| I mean, but it was a while before even anything shook. | ||
| Let's see it again. | ||
| Rewind it. | ||
| Here's the dog. | ||
| Dog's chilling. | ||
| Dog's like, hey, what the fuck is that noise? | ||
| Okay, we don't know that that dude didn't react. | ||
| This is a stupid video. | ||
| The dog took off running, but the guy, you don't see his face. | ||
| The guy might have went, oh shit, what the fuck? | ||
| And everybody is making it like the dog heard this before anybody else. | ||
| I think he felt something, because if you look at it, but nothing's moving at all. | ||
| Right, but sometimes you hear things before the earthquake. | ||
| Well, you know, that's true. | ||
| You know, it doesn't really start moving until, let me see again. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It ain't shit moving. | ||
| Maybe it made a sound. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's not looking at the ground, too, though. | ||
| It's kind of weird. | ||
| If there was a sound, right, a real rumble, you'd still see something. | ||
| Something there. | ||
| The monitor, something. | ||
| So the dog's like two seconds smarter than a person. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| We got thumbs, faggot. | ||
| Go chase your tail and sleep in dirt. | ||
| All right. | ||
| What else were we talking about, folks? | ||
| We were talking about some important shit and I forgot about it. | ||
| Goddamn, we got a lot of Twitter messages coming in this pitch. | ||
| That Mark McGuire thing, that thing is hilarious. | ||
| Mark McGuire is finally coming out and saying that. | ||
| Oh, that's what we were talking about. | ||
| We're talking about people that are hooked on pain pills. | ||
| You know, when dudes get hooked on pain pills, like I said, I know a guy who's a very smart guy. | ||
| He was an IT guy, went to college, really avid reader, not a fuck-up, has a real problem. | ||
| And that's just what it is, man. | ||
| Dudes get injured, something happens to you, and it just chemically bonds with your body. | ||
| I mean, it's really incredible what addiction is, you know? | ||
| Addiction is your body is somehow or another linked to something that's really terrible for it, and it needs that something. | ||
| Like it becomes, it's almost like heroin and crystal meth and stuff like that that really locks a hold of your body. | ||
| It's almost like they're parasites. | ||
| It's almost like the drug itself has a consciousness and the drug itself is going to make you do it as much as you can and rob you of life. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's one way to look at like horrible substances. | ||
| That's why when people talk about drugs, you know, and they like to lump all drugs in together, that's so stupid. | ||
| Because marijuana and mushrooms and psychedelic drugs, if done correctly, can be very beneficial. | ||
| And when they're over, you don't feel any repercussions. | ||
| You're okay. | ||
| They don't hurt you. | ||
| Marijuana and mushrooms and things like that, the natural things that people have been doing for tens of thousands of years, those things aren't hurting anybody, man. | ||
| And they can't get into your system, you know. | ||
| And if you lump them in with oxycodones and fucking heroin and crystal meth, that's ridiculous. | ||
| No one is becoming a more introspective, fascinating person on crystal meth. | ||
| They're becoming fucking crazy. | ||
| It's like we have to like look at drugs in terms of what they do to the people that take them. | ||
| And the things that do positive things, you can't ignore that just because they're a drug. | ||
| You're not allowed to just say, oh, because it's an illegal drug, then all the benefits that people talk about it, those don't count. | ||
| They're invalid. | ||
| Just because it's Not sanctioned by a group of fucking criminals. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense at all. | ||
| And, you know, I've lived my whole life like this. | ||
| I mean, it's 2010. | ||
| I would have thought by now we would have come to some sort of a rational understanding as human beings. | ||
| As we got to be adults, I thought we would come to a point where we would sit back and we would look at things and go, what right do I to tell another person what to do or not to do as long as he's not trying to give it to minors or people that don't know any better? | ||
| As long as people are educated, let's spend money on programs and make sure that people don't get involved in anything fucked up like this. | ||
| And let's pay attention to fucking children in schools. | ||
| I mean, the biggest problem in this country isn't laws and crime. | ||
| The biggest problem is why are people creating crime? | ||
| Why are people doing these terrible things to each other? | ||
| 99.99% of all fucked up things come out of a fucked up childhood. | ||
| You have kids who have shitty fucking parents and these fucking children, they grow up and they're ticking time bombs. | ||
| If you have a douchebag, fucked up, drug addict parent and you live in a fucked up place with no love and every day you just see violence and shit and screaming and addiction and sorrow and there's no way out. | ||
| You don't see shit. | ||
| You don't do well in school. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| You know, that is a ticking time bomb. | ||
| And for politicians to not address that and to spend all this fucking time flying over to Afghanistan trying to chase down a hundred Taliban fighters in the mountains and young people are dying over there for that, how about we spend that money attacking the fucking enemy at home? | ||
| The enemy at home is the horrible fucking childhoods that some of our fellow human beings in this country have to go through. | ||
| You know, what we really need to do is focus on fucking kids. | ||
| Focus on children that are growing up in terrible neighborhoods. | ||
| Focus on fucking schools and community centers and giving these kids somewhere to go to when their parents suck. | ||
| Focus on a bunch of people that want to help raise kids that come from terrible situations or help the parents understand what the fuck they're doing raising children and making these kids fucking psychos and giving them horrible childhoods. | ||
| And literally setting loose a bomb. | ||
| Setting loose someone who's eventually going to turn all their inward anger outward on other people. | ||
| All their pain and resentment and all the negative input coming into them as a child. | ||
| You know, that shit is fucking terrible. | ||
| You deal with a child that comes from a positive, loving environment, and you're going to deal with a cool human being. | ||
| That human being is going to come out of that and going to appreciate other people. | ||
| That's our number one problem as human beings. | ||
| Our number one problem as human beings is the way we don't appreciate each other. | ||
| The way we look at each other as competition, the way we look at each other as just people that are on the highway in my fucking way. | ||
| Human beings have to learn to appreciate each other. | ||
| And we need to learn how to deal with the fucking very obvious shit that we ignore. | ||
| Instead of pretending there's some incredible assault on the human race here in America, you know, maybe we should look on where's the real crime coming from? | ||
| Where are the real murders coming from? | ||
| Where's the real anger and violence and the shit that affects day-to-day people every day? | ||
| It's not in the fucking desert, okay? | ||
| It's not in the fucking mountains of Afghanistan. | ||
| It's in cities. | ||
| It's all over the place. | ||
| It's children growing up and becoming fucking criminals. | ||
| That's way scarier to me than some douchebag in Afghanistan. | ||
| You know, it's nonsense. | ||
| Yeah, someone said Caro and Pills. | ||
| Yeah, that's something Carl's training partner said. | ||
| But like I said, I don't know if it's true. | ||
| All I know is that he's always been a cool dude to me. | ||
| Carl Parisian is a great fighter, and he's got some unfortunate situations, and I hope he works them out. | ||
| I like that dude. | ||
| I like that dude a lot. | ||
| He's good people. | ||
| And he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| One of the best judo guys to ever enter MMA. | ||
| He opened people's eyes to a lot of shit that was possible. | ||
| Because before Caro, nobody was hitting those beautiful fucking throws. | ||
| He hits these beautiful shoulder throws and hip throws. | ||
| And his judo, like back when he fought Dave Strasser, like one of his first UFC bounce, incredible judo. | ||
| And it's, that's like, whenever you get a guy who steps into MMA and has some totally, something that he's really, really good at that most people aren't, like, like Machita with karate. | ||
| Like, people thought, well, karate's not that good. | ||
| Karate doesn't really work. | ||
| Until Machita came along. | ||
| And Machita's so good at karate that he makes karate work in MMA. | ||
| You know, obviously he knows wrestling, and obviously he knows all the other stuff that goes with MMA, which is why he's such a champion. | ||
| But the bottom line is his karate, his ability to move backward. | ||
| I mean, he fights like a fucking Jean-Claude Van Damm movie. | ||
| And it's pretty badass to watch. | ||
| You know, because until the Shogun fight, he really didn't take hardly any damage. | ||
| What do I think about the United Arab Emirates buying it to Zufa? | ||
| Well, I know that the guy who is behind it all is Sheikh Taknoon of Abu Dhabi. | ||
| And that guy is a huge fan of mixed martial arts. | ||
| And he's incredibly, incredibly wealthy. | ||
| So, you know, that guy can, he can do a lot of good things for MMA. | ||
| That guy, he is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt under Henzo Gracie. | ||
| And by all accounts, he's legit. | ||
| By all accounts, he's a really good black belt. | ||
| And Henzo is one of the most respected instructors in the world. | ||
| If Henzo Gracie gives you a black belt, that's a huge honor. | ||
| So that Sheikh Tak Noon, the fact that he's a Henzo Gracie black belt, I know he's been having people travel to Abu Dhabi for years, for over a decade, since the late 90s. | ||
| And he had like some of the best instructors in the world that would come and stay with him. | ||
| And he had a whole camp there and he'd bring guys and you have guys to train with. | ||
| I mean, the dude is just the jiu-jitsu fiend. | ||
| Just, I mean, like more than, way more than me, you know, like, I mean, think about how much I love jiu-jitsu. | ||
| And this guy is like, you know, he's just like, he loves it. | ||
| And he has unlimited resources. | ||
| So having a guy like that as a business partner in the UFC, I think is going to be phenomenal for the sport. | ||
| I don't think there's any question. | ||
| That guy is going to, without a doubt, that guy's going to help out. | ||
| And it's going to be interesting to go there. | ||
| That dude lives in a castle, like a fucking some old school, you know, Alibaba type shit, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he the one with all the paintings? | ||
| Who's the guy that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The sheik has, like, I think that that royal family is worth like some insane amount of money. | ||
| Like, They're one of the most the richest people in the world. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| One of the richest people in the world. | ||
| And dude is a fucking train killer. | ||
|
unidentified
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All right. | |
| Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. | ||
| Do I think Tac Dune is going to take an active role like Dana White? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| All I do for the UFC is the commentary. | ||
| I talk to those guys and they're my friends, but obviously I have no influence whatsoever on the business side of things. | ||
| It's just my job to call to action. | ||
| It's a really pretty fucking crazy gig. | ||
| For me, it's like a perfect job because I'm a huge fan of mixed martial arts, like for real. | ||
| I don't watch, like when I watch the different shows like K1 or Sengoku or, you know, Dream or Strike Force or anything like that. | ||
| When I watch those shows, I don't watch those shows for work. | ||
| I don't get on the underground on mixedmartial arts.com or read all the bloody elbow, read all these different websites and do it just for fun. | ||
| I would have done it even if it wasn't my job. | ||
| I'm just a huge fan, like professionally, and I'm very lucky. | ||
| It's a pretty crazy gig, man. | ||
| It's a lot of fun. | ||
| It's cool, too, because we get to go to the fights and be there live and be right in front of the cage. | ||
|
unidentified
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I mean, it's just like, there's nothing like that. | |
| What did you think of the last UFC? | ||
| Some good fights, man. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| That Evan Dunham dude, how badass is that guy? | ||
| And he got tagged in the first round. | ||
| The first round, you know, Ephraim was all over him. | ||
| And then Evan Dunham survived and pulled off that fucking arm bar was so badass. | ||
| The way he did it was like, it was so wicked. | ||
| Did he break his arm at all? | ||
| No, he did not break his arm. | ||
| He fucked up his tendons. | ||
| So, lucky for him. | ||
| 'Cause it was a... | ||
| The scary kind is the way Frank Muir broke Tim Sylvia's arm, because he actually broke the middle of the forearm. | ||
| He broke the forearm in half. | ||
| That's the scary shit. | ||
| That takes forever to heal, and it's usually not the same. | ||
| Like, I don't think, you know, I think you break your arm like that, man. | ||
| Like, that's a serious fucking fracture. | ||
| Like, in the middle. | ||
| I think if you bust up a joint, they can put that together a little bit easier. | ||
| Can't they put some fake arms in now by now? | ||
| Like metal arms or bones or something? | ||
| I don't think they can. | ||
| I think they do hips and they do knees, but once you get a knee, that's a wrap. | ||
| You ain't doing no jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Well, there's a dude named Connor, Connor Huhn. | ||
| He's one of Eddie's top students, a real high-level wrestler. | ||
| And his dad was a wrestler, and his dad got a hip replacement, and his dad still does jiu-jitsu and fights in tournaments. | ||
| And the dude's like 50. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| But he has a hip replacement, but he's a fucking psycho. | ||
| He's a stud. | ||
| The average person, you get a hip replacement, and that's a wrap. | ||
| Remember that dude from the Sopranos who used to walk fucked up? | ||
| The fat guy who turned out, you know, he was gay in the Sopranos, and he had that weird walk. | ||
| Do you remember that guy? | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| I don't remember that guy's character. | ||
| How did he die? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| They killed him. | ||
| Remember he was gay? | ||
| Right, but how did it go? | ||
| They murdered him. | ||
| I think they shoved like a fucking broomstick up his ass or a plunge right his ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pool cue. | |
| That's right. | ||
| A pool cue up his ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's right, because he was selling a line of pool cues after that. | ||
| The dude tried to sell a line of pool cues. | ||
| A cue to die for. | ||
| It's like the bottom break. | ||
| It was like a brake stick. | ||
| That's ridiculous, but Sopranos told him to knock it off. | ||
| How hilarious is that? | ||
| That's a dude with some marketing sense. | ||
| I got killed with a pool cue. | ||
| I'll show it out in those motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm going to sell pool cues. | ||
| Sells pool cues. | ||
| Because they killed him with one of the Sopranos. | ||
| Greatest show of all time, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I miss it. | ||
| Even though it kind of got slow near the end, but I still missed it. | ||
| You know, I got into Battlestar Galactica for a while. | ||
| I liked that up until the last season, but the last season I just didn't give a shit about. | ||
| Lost is the only thing that really got me. | ||
| Like, this season, I'm still really pumped up to see what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Because I watched Lost. | ||
| I didn't watch it at all for like the first whatever seasons there were. | ||
| The first three or four seasons, whatever it is. | ||
| How many seasons have they done? | ||
| Seven. | ||
| Have they really? | ||
| Well, I watched all of them from the beginning to the end. | ||
| All of them on DVD. | ||
| Which is the shit. | ||
| If you've managed to avoid, like, Ari did that with the Sopranos. | ||
| He didn't leave his fucking house. | ||
| Ari stayed home for like weeks and just watched the Sopranos DVDs. | ||
| Watched the whole series to the end. | ||
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Only with Lost. | ||
| But I caught up to the ones that were on the DVR last year. | ||
| I did like the first three seasons of Sopranos that way. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Two seasons of Lost. | ||
| Dexter, I did that way, too. | ||
| Whole first season. | ||
| But Dexter's another one. | ||
| Last year, I was like, eh. | ||
| This year rather, as soon as I started watching, I was like, ah, I'm not in this anymore. | ||
| I want some dude killing people. | ||
| After a while, I'm like, okay, where are we going to go with this? | ||
| You're going to keep getting away with this? | ||
| I'm going to keep seeing you kill the bad guy every week. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| This is silly. | ||
| Did you see that breakdancing robot? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| How awesome is that? | ||
| How about that fuck robot that they created? | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| Did you see Jimmy Kimmel last night? | ||
| No, I didn't see it. | ||
| He was dressed up as Jay Leno. | ||
| I heard it was hilarious. | ||
| They were talking about a new stern. | ||
| Here, I'll show you right now. | ||
| Oh, we're going to see this. | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel dressed up as Jay Leno. | ||
| The fucking wars. | ||
| The war! | ||
| The war for late night. | ||
| Listen, fuck late night. | ||
| The internet is where it's at, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is the real connection to human beings. | ||
| These silly shows where you sit down and ask some fucking 16-year-old kid what our new CD is. | ||
| You know, hey, so I understand you got a new show out. | ||
| Oh, that's terrific. | ||
| Who gives a fuck about all that stuff? | ||
| It's just, you're just on there. | ||
| There's just people on there pimping things. | ||
| People pimping movies. | ||
| And occasionally, someone gets their dick sucked by some crazy cooker or something like the Hugh Grant interview. | ||
| And you get an interesting interview. | ||
| Or the other dude, what's his name? | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix that showed up all fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, what happened to him? | ||
| Is he still fucking crazy? | ||
| I don't know, but Letterman is the best for taking advantage of those situations. | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix either was playing a character, he might have been just doing it for a goof. | ||
| You know, I could see him doing something. | ||
| Some people are saying it's real. | ||
| That he's just gone. | ||
| He's completely gone. | ||
| It's not hard to do. | ||
| If you're a person who wanted to be famous, and your whole life you've wanted to be famous and you have this need, this hyper need for attention, and then all of a sudden it happens to you, like, holy shit! | ||
| You know, I'm lucky that the kind of fame that I got, like, always was ridiculous, especially the Fear Factor fame, was like ridiculous fame. | ||
| You know, like, no one's kissing your ass for Fear Factor, you know. | ||
| You know, when people come up to you from Fear Factor, like, what the fuck, dude? | ||
| And I'm like, and I was like, Yeah, I know, what the fuck, but it's not like they love, you know, like if you're like an actor or something like that, and you're in some crazy movies, like that guy is, the kind of adulation that guy must get is insane, you know? | ||
| And if he was already crazy to begin with, that just, when, when crazy people all of a sudden have money and people kissing their ass, you know, crazy people are supposed to be like suppressed. | ||
| Like, you're supposed to crazy people, you're supposed to see them and go, hey, fuckhead, you're crazy. | ||
| But that doesn't work like on a TV show or a movie. | ||
| Because once you become crazy, it doesn't matter. | ||
| If you're a star, they let you be crazy. | ||
| So you're just fucking hog wild and doing blow and punching people. | ||
| And they try to protect you as much as possible because you're the goose that lays the golden egg. | ||
| And that's what happens to a lot of actors. | ||
| That's why they get fucking nutty. | ||
| So what is this video? | ||
| Here. | ||
| Jay Leno. | ||
| Okay, this is Jimmy Kimmel from last night. | ||
| I guess he was making fun of Jay Leno. | ||
| Dude, not only was he making fun of it, he even did bad jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
see it. | |
| You want to come over here? | ||
| And they can hear us too while this is playing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Watch it. | ||
| just watch it We gotta watch it over here because the stupid thing is on the delay. | ||
| Look how much the delay is, man. | ||
| Video to video is tight, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are correct, Chad's budget. | |
| Oh, wow, this is the limit. | ||
| He's got makeup on and everything. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is his voice. | ||
| He's the best, in my opinion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name is Jay Leno and let it hereby be known that I'm taking over all the shows in late nights. | |
| Give me a quick one. | ||
| It's great to be here on ABC. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Hey, Clito, you know what ABC stands for? | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| I don't, man. | ||
| Always Bump Conan. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Conan O'Brien today announced he is leaving MBC. | ||
| He released a statement today that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the tonight show. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fortunately, though, I will. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| For those of you who turn in to see Jimmy Kimmel tonight, he's gone. | ||
| Jimmy's not hearing me. | ||
| Don't worry, Jimmy will be fine. | ||
| He picked up an endorsement deal with Jenny Craig. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And here's him with Chibby Chase. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| Let's talk to people. | ||
| I don't want to keep playing videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's something we're just going to do. | |
| Oh, they're gonna be really lame. | ||
| They're gonna be so lame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| We find headlines from the paper, and then we present them to you, the viewer. | ||
| And our first headline is... | ||
| I like the lisp and everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can see here... | |
| Vehicles may end drunken driving. | ||
| Yes, and cigarettes may end lung cancer. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He's killing him. | ||
| Give me just four of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I should show you this one. | |
| Human Thurvith worker. | ||
| What do they usually hire? | ||
| Robot Cervith worker? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god, he's murdering me. | ||
| I like how he looks at it first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Torn Elobe? | |
| Free ear piercing. | ||
| With the repair of your torn helobe. | ||
| Free ear piercing? | ||
| Isn't that what got you into trouble in the first point? | ||
| This is the last one. | ||
| This is the last one. | ||
| It's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Maltese, beautiful, Flowy, and very, very cuddly. | ||
| Floe named after the famous pilot, Floe Flowenberger. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was brutal. | ||
| We're on like a 15-second delay. | ||
| Is that in case we commit suicide? | ||
| it's just probably So if like you're watching someone and a video and a werewolf is like staring over them, by the time you see that, that motherfucker's dead. | ||
| People are trying to take Joe behind you. | ||
| That werewolf fucked that dude up a long time ago. | ||
| There's a big ass delay here. | ||
| I wonder if like, you know, there's someone watching all the controversial Ustream ones and they don't have a delay. | ||
| And they're like right there with a finger on the button if you do something nutty. | ||
| Because didn't a guy commit suicide on a web show? | ||
| A guy committed suicide? | ||
| That's the TV. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hollands off, man. | |
| They killed themselves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the time now? | ||
| I've heard like at least two people, I think. | ||
| Well, that's not all the time. | ||
| Unless it was hoax. | ||
| Two's not all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty big, you know, when the community's not. | |
| You know what we gotta do, man? | ||
| We gotta do headphones. | ||
| That way we could listen to ourselves and make sure that the sound is good. | ||
| Well, I'm watching the sounds now. | ||
| I'm watching them now. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You watching meters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You crazy motherfucker. | ||
| I'm glad we got this microphone, too. | ||
| This is a perfect microphone, right? | ||
| Because it picks up everything. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You could probably press pause and then refresh your browser if you want to. | ||
| And then download shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| You think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you're right. | |
| You motherfucker. | ||
| The Mark Gayden. | ||
| Wow, that's Mark Hayden. | ||
| Do you know who Mark Hayden is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's one of the best comics ever. | ||
| I don't think it's real anymore. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's him, man. | ||
| Dude, he's been saying some crazy shit, I guess. | ||
| He's one of England's the pride of England. | ||
| He's pretty funny. | ||
| He's not as funny. | ||
| Well, funny looking. | ||
| He's. | ||
| You don't think he's genius? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| You don't get it. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| You don't get the material. | ||
| I just think that I can't understand a word he says. | ||
| Hey, oh, look, check this guy. | ||
| David Gowie, G-O-E-W-E-Y, says, I'm up at 3.48 a.m. in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| Now, answer some questions, Joe. | ||
| Well, fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| I'll answer some questions. | ||
| You're up at 4 o'clock in the morning and you live in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| I got some questions for you, sir. | ||
| What's it like over there, man? | ||
| I hear it's all like fucking, everybody's got a Ferrari. | ||
| It's like one of the richest places in the world. | ||
| I've heard it's fucking crazy. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Is prostitution real? | ||
| Legal there? | ||
| I don't think prostitution is, but I think if you're like, you know, some sort of a baller character, I mean, I think they just ignore it. | ||
| I mean, the way it happens in Dubai is like all the hookers just go there. | ||
| They just know who all the rich guys are. | ||
| The rich guys go to Dubai. | ||
| So the hookers just come from everywhere. | ||
| And I think they just ignore it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| I don't think it's legal. | ||
| Is there any questions on your message board? | ||
| But I've never been either. | ||
| We'll go to the message board shortly, but I want to see what this guy has to say. | ||
| It is sweet, he says. | ||
| David, you're just chilling in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| What do you do out there, man? | ||
| What do you do for a living? | ||
| In Abu Dhabi. | ||
| Do you have a Ferrari? | ||
| Do they give you one? | ||
| You get your driver's license, they hand you a Ferrari. | ||
| Would you like the yellow or the red Ferraris? | ||
| You can get a black one, too, if you know somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mm. | ||
| Do-do-do-do-do. | ||
| Ah-ha-ha. | ||
| Alright, I'm going to go to some questions here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Let's do Two Girls, One Cup, video and video, the guy says. | ||
| Yeah, I was thinking about it. | ||
| Has anybody not seen Two Girls One Cup, though? | ||
| I was really going to shit a horse one. | ||
| Oh, do you guys want to see Mr. Hands? | ||
| We can't do that. | ||
| We can't do that. | ||
| We can't do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was us broadcasting ABC. | ||
| Okay, but then we can't show the shit eating one either, can we? | ||
| No, we can't do anything like that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It can't be automatically banned. | ||
| Listen, folks, this is going to I did not know that I was not able to show those type of videos. | ||
| Well, this is not gonna last. | ||
| They let us say whatever we want, but we can't show you whatever we want, which I don't think is gonna last. | ||
| Any of the stream websites, you won't be able to show porn and stuff. | ||
| Well, we're gonna have to either talk to Ustream and see if we could. | ||
| But they're not gonna say yes to that. | ||
| No. | ||
| No one will. | ||
| Yeah, because even if you say, like, if you click on something saying that you're 18 and over, we don't have that now, do we? | ||
| Do we have that now? | ||
| Would they have to click on something that says they're 18 and over? | ||
| We should have that if that's possible. | ||
| I think Ustream people probably put that on there. | ||
| Well, they should definitely do that. | ||
| I don't want any little kids getting any shitty ideas. | ||
| I don't want to have to explain anything to you. | ||
| It's not that I'm telling you anything that's not correct. | ||
| It's just that I don't want to have to sit down with you and go over the way the world really works. | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| This guy says Alexander Rhodes says he heard this Ferrari's just abandoned in the street. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, man. | ||
| Those motherfuckers got money. | ||
| It's like, what is that? | ||
| 2007? | ||
| They just pee on it. | ||
| Throw the keys aside. | ||
| They give him away at Goodwill. | ||
| And razor phones. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| You're mowing the lawn and there's razor phones just flying out getting coffee. | ||
| Back in the day, right? | ||
| I don't think they have lawns, man. | ||
| Or desert. | ||
| I would like to see though. | ||
| Maybe they do, maybe they turn into... | ||
| I think they're gonna have an outdoor fight there. | ||
| I heard the place is really scary. | ||
| The Middle East is a strange land, man. | ||
| It's a strange land. | ||
| Very different. | ||
| Yeah, for the people that want to see Mr. Hands, they want to know what I'm talking about, go to two guys1horse.com. | ||
| TwoGuys1horse.com is the video that I wanted to show you, but I can't because you stream are a bunch of pussies. | ||
| I guess they want to make money. | ||
| They don't want advertisers pulling out like they do with Tiger Woods. | ||
| Poor Tiger Woods, that fella. | ||
| I went to the airport and they still have his posters up for Accenture. | ||
| One of the first companies that dropped him. | ||
| And one of the posters is Tiger looking like, you know, contemplating a shot. | ||
| And it says something like, it's what you do next that counts. | ||
| I put it up on my Twitter page. | ||
| I'm like, man, how fucking telling is that? | ||
| Did he ever have a fucking inkling of a clue that that's what was going to happen when he put that picture out? | ||
| And people freak out about the Tiger Woods thing, like that he's a terrible person. | ||
| And he said, yes, it's not the best thing to do. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| But that guy is an unhandsome. | ||
| He's an unfortunate looking guy. | ||
| He's very unfortunate looking. | ||
| And he's a fucking billionaire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like a super, super rich dude. | |
| I bet it was impossible for him to say no to all his chicks. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, if you think, I mean, obviously he was a pussyhound. | ||
| I mean, there's no getting away from that. | ||
| But to be like that guy, you know, and have all these tens and they're chasing you down and they don't even care if you're married and they'll fly to other countries to hang out with you. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He's like a rock star. | ||
| He's totally like a rock star. | ||
| And everybody's like, yeah, well, then you shouldn't be married. | ||
| I totally agree. | ||
| I'm not defending him in any way. | ||
| He's more of a rock star. | ||
| Most rock stars don't have their own beverage. | ||
| They don't have their own clothing line. | ||
| That dude's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People love that stupid ass game. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Especially business people. | ||
| If you want to get down with business, you know, I've heard a lot of people say that if you want to be successful in business, that you literally have to learn golf. | ||
| Like you literally have to learn it. | ||
| If you don't learn golf, I'll just show you just so you can see what's going on. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| It's just a picture. | ||
| That picture you're talking about, Tiger Woods. | ||
| What's wrong with this thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You stream, you're sucking it, dummies. | ||
| I would close your Firefox and open up like a Safari or Chrome. | ||
| Maybe you have too much shit open. | ||
| No. | ||
| There it goes. | ||
| There it goes. | ||
| The picture's up finally. | ||
| See, that's much of a delay. | ||
| So like I said, if you see a werewolf behind me and you hear that, believe me, I'm already dead. | ||
| Okay, just be kind to me on the message boards. | ||
| People are brutal about Artie Lang, man. | ||
| That was really sad to see how many people were brutal after Artie Lang tried to commit suicide, like calling him people don't like that suicide shit, man. | ||
| I know, but it wasn't just that. | ||
| It was, it was, they were, they were insulting him like it didn't matter. | ||
| You know, you know, like that he's weak and he's a piece of shit. | ||
| Like I said about where I talked about the people that I know that have had problems with pain pills, it's not like you know, the guy likes to jerk off. | ||
| He jerks off too much. | ||
| Like that guy, you need to smack him in the head. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| You lost your job because you jerk off five times a day? | ||
| You know, there's dudes like that. | ||
| They're like, they miss jobs. | ||
| They show up late for work just because they're like chronic masturbators. | ||
| They wake up in the morning. | ||
| They have to beat off. | ||
| If they don't beat off, they're going to go crazy. | ||
| Like they get, that's a dude that's got a problem. | ||
| That guy's, he needs a smack in the head. | ||
| People that are like compulsive gamblers, that's a compulsion. | ||
| And that's like, there's a problem in your pattern of thinking. | ||
| There's a problem in the way, you know, and I've been compulsive about many things in my life. | ||
| I understand what it is. | ||
| I understand the thinking behind it. | ||
| But that can all be corrected. | ||
| You just need to learn how to think correctly. | ||
| There's a big difference between that and like heroin and oxycontin and meth and people that get addicted to shit. | ||
| That shit's real. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| So to get to shit all over someone because they're addicted to a drug, man, it ain't easy to kick that. | ||
| You don't, you know, unless you're doing it, unless you're deep in the throes of heroin, you can't talk shit. | ||
| And if you have been, and I haven't, so I can say nothing, but I've talked to people who have. | ||
| I had a friend who died from heroin. | ||
| I knew a couple people that died from heroin. | ||
| And the one that I knew, he was a real, real smart guy. | ||
| He was a cool dude. | ||
| He just couldn't stop it. | ||
| I don't, you know, I don't, I think some people bond to those dangerous drugs and you're fucked. | ||
| So whatever happened with him, Artie Lang was, every time I met that guy, he's always been cool to me. | ||
| And that's how I judge people. | ||
| He's always fun to be around, friendly, jovial. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| He's just a nice guy, you know. | ||
| And to me, it just made me sad. | ||
| It made me just as sad that people were willing to shit on this guy because he tried to kill himself. | ||
| But you are right. | ||
| People get mad when people try to kill themselves. | ||
| Especially when people have a much better life than them. | ||
| I mean, that was the argument that I heard over and over again about Artie. | ||
| Like, this fucking guy, you know, what are his problems? | ||
| He's got a Mercedes and, you know, he's rich. | ||
| And all true, but that doesn't make you feel better, unfortunately. | ||
| You'd think it would, but it doesn't. | ||
| If your life sucks, your life sucks. | ||
| And it really has nothing to do with you being rich or poor. | ||
| Rich can definitely help things because you don't have to worry about your bills and you have less problems. | ||
| You have a little bit less stress. | ||
| But then you got problems with your money and investments and people stealing from you and bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, you have problems all over the place. | ||
| Definitely better to have it than to not. | ||
| But the bottom line is just because you're successful doesn't mean you're happy. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are fucking horribly, horribly depressed. | ||
| And they sit around thinking, well, what the fuck is the purpose of this life? | ||
| And the real problem is that's a good goddamn question. | ||
| What is the purpose of this life? | ||
| If you're not here for other people, what are you here for? | ||
| Because realistically, you get to a certain point in your life. | ||
| Like Artie and I are basically the same age. | ||
| I'm 42 and I believe he is too. | ||
| And you get to a point where you're like, you get all this gray. | ||
| Like I have gray hair in my beard and on my balls. | ||
| I have like 20 gray hairs. | ||
| Gray hair is coming in here. | ||
| I mean, this is like, you know, your body's dying. | ||
| So at a certain point in time, you got to go, well, what the fuck is the purpose of all this? | ||
| What am I here for? | ||
| You know, and if you don't have like a relationship, you don't have someone you love, you don't have really good friends that you love and you love to be around, you don't have a family, you don't have children, you don't have someone that you mean something to and someone that you feed off of each other and you share energy and you make them feel good and they make you feel good and they miss you and you miss them. | ||
| And that's very, very, very, very important for people. | ||
| And people just underestimate how huge that is. | ||
| You know, having friends and having family and having like good quality people in your life and not douchebags. | ||
| Cut the douchebags out. | ||
| That is so important because nothing can fuck your life up more than people who are not looking out for your best interests and want you to fail because they're fucked up. | ||
| You know, try to let them aware of it. | ||
| Let them be aware of it. | ||
| Give them an opportunity to change. | ||
| And if they don't, get rid of them. | ||
| Cut them out of your life. | ||
| So important. | ||
| Just separate yourself from anybody negative that's going to fuck with you. | ||
| That can make such a huge difference in the quality of your life. | ||
| You know, and then of course, get the fuck away from drugs, the bad ones. | ||
| Don't fuck around with heroin. | ||
| Don't fuck around with meth. | ||
| Don't fuck around with anything dangerous. | ||
| If you're going to do something, do things that people have never to hide from and make sure you know what the fuck you're doing before you do it. | ||
| You know, don't go crazy and smoke the whole joint the first time. | ||
| You know, you'll shit your pants in paranoia. | ||
| You'll freak the fuck out. | ||
| You're probably never going to get high again. | ||
| The first time you ever get high, you should just get a little tiny bit high. | ||
| Just a little. | ||
| Take a tiny bit of a hit and get used to it. | ||
| It's like riding a surfboard. | ||
| You can't just hop on. | ||
| You'll be awesome at it. | ||
| You know, the feeling of being caught up in the wave of THC when you get really high, it's like you're connecting to another frequency that it's not available to you when you're sober. | ||
| And that's what people who don't smoke marijuana don't understand. | ||
| There's an awareness, an opening of your mind. | ||
| I mean, I've had it explained to me chemically about, you know, GABA and dopamine and all the different things that go on. | ||
| There was a recent thread about it on my message board where people are talking about the effect of it. | ||
| But the bottom line is it does something to the way you think. | ||
| And it opens up new levels of awareness. | ||
| And if you get too much of that, you're going to freak the fuck out. | ||
| And that's called being paranoid. | ||
| But what paranoia comes from is this is probably the first time you're recognizing reality. | ||
| You know, you're a very vulnerable person. | ||
| We all are. | ||
| Life is, you know, it's a transient experience. | ||
| You're going to pass from this to something else. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who knows what the fuck this is in the first place? | ||
| Who knows what the ultimate goal of the human race is in the first place? | ||
| You just live your life and go through it and you put your blinders on. | ||
| And when you have a hit of some really good weed, those blinders just fall down around you. | ||
| And you realize, like, wow, I'm this fragile, fleshy little temporary being that's clinging to this spinning orb as it's Flying through the galaxy, and people are sitting around talking about John and Cade and fucking Miley Cyrus and nonsense. | ||
| And while this is all going on, we're hurling through the galaxy. | ||
| And it literally is never discussed, you know. | ||
| And I have a bit about it, you can see it on YouTube. | ||
| I think it's somebody put it up. | ||
| It's from my shiny happy jihad CD. | ||
| It's about flying through space, but that's what we are. | ||
| I mean, we're just animals clinging to a sphere in eternity, in this gigantic sea of eternity, sea of space, this never-ending thing that we're a part of, but we completely ignore. | ||
| And we focus on the most mundane bullshit, like Tiger Woods, fucking all these girls, you know, and like what else? | ||
| What are those other dumb shit that people have been focusing on lately in the news? | ||
| I don't know, but I think why people focus on so much of it is because, you know, they need something. | ||
| It's like kind of watching the same movie over and over again. | ||
| You know, you need constant new information and stuff like that, you know? | ||
| Like, I understand what you're saying, like, about the whole thing, but I think that's why so many people focus on the dumb shit, because it's new shit, you know? | ||
| That same thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| So, like, what you're saying is that the reason why people focus on like Tiger Woods and stuff like that is just because it's new information. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| We've been in space for so long and nothing happens. | ||
| And you look up, you see stars, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like if having the same cell phone. | ||
| Would you have the same cell phone for 10 years or if Tiger Woods new cell phone came out? | ||
| Would you get the Tiger Woods new cell phone? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I think Brian's on to something. | ||
| I think, you know, I mean, it makes sense because, you know, people are, we do really, we have this push for new things and innovation, and it's literally built into our hard wiring. | ||
| Which is why you can take a guy with the hottest chick in the world and he doesn't want to fuck her anymore. | ||
| It's like you get tired of fucking the hottest chick in the world. | ||
| And that really is true. | ||
| You know, that can happen. | ||
| If you look at life the wrong way, and that's one of the other things that's awesome about weed. | ||
| If you smoke weed and you fuck your girlfriend, like if you don't usually do that, it's like you're fucking a new person. | ||
| It's like you appreciate her all for who she is and what she looks like. | ||
| You appreciate it all over again. | ||
| It's really weird, man. | ||
| At least for me. | ||
| Do you feel like that when you smoke weed and get with your lady? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you smoke weed and get with your lady. | ||
| My lady doesn't really smoke weed, so it's not really that fun. | ||
| Well, mine can't right now because she's pregnant with me Bambino. | ||
| So have you played with the Nexus one yet? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| You're not a fan, huh? | ||
| Nah, not really. | ||
| Brian Reichel Tech Review, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| The main problem is, is if you have something like we both have iPhones, and you have Facebook and Twitter and all these applications, I've had Droid. | ||
| Why have an inferior version of those applications? | ||
| The Facebook on the Droid sucks. | ||
| The Twitter on the droid's not as good as Twitter, too. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Everything is just... | ||
| I have an iPhone, but I really use it more of as a laptop that I keep in my pocket. | ||
| That's really what it is for me. | ||
| Because the bottom line with the iPhone is it's on AT ⁇ T and AT ⁇ T sucks. | ||
| When I'm talking to people on AT ⁇ T, I can guarantee it's going to cut out three or four times before I get wherever the fuck I'm going. | ||
| When I drive my car, I love the fact that I can have both hands on a steering wheel and I can just talk, you know, and I'm having conversations and I can, you know, do business and answer questions and catch up with old friends that I don't have a chance to catch up with. | ||
| I love that, man. | ||
| That's huge to me. | ||
| To me, that's one of the most important features of communication, the ability to fucking talk to somebody. | ||
| I don't like text messaging just back and forth. | ||
| After a while, man, you're like, I want to hear your fucking voice, you know? | ||
| That's the way I like talking to people. | ||
| You know, it's fun. | ||
| You know, you can get things out of it. | ||
| You feed off of each other. | ||
| You know, it's a volley. | ||
| You're going back and forth. | ||
| So if your fucking phone can't make phone calls, that's weak. | ||
| That's weak shit. | ||
| So I use a Blackberry with Verizon. | ||
| No one's paying me to say this. | ||
| But the reason why I use a Blackberry is because we do UFCs in the UK. | ||
| And the only way you can get a phone that works overseas is you got to get a world phone. | ||
| Because we have two different systems here in America. | ||
| We have CDMA and GSM. | ||
| And GSM is T-Mobile and AT ⁇ T. And CDMA is Sprint and Verizon. | ||
| And they're two totally different types of signals. | ||
| Well, in other countries, most other countries don't use the CDMA, which Verizon has. | ||
| But it's the best in America. | ||
| In America, it's the shit. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| I mean, when I drive the jiu-jitsu, I would lose people three times with my AT ⁇ T phone. | ||
| Three fucking times would drive me crazy. | ||
| But my Verizon, right there. | ||
| It never drops off for a second. | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| But the bottom line is, this shit is whack. | ||
| This phone is like an iPhone from 20 fucking years ago. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like some cheap knockoff, you know, like some third world country, you know, where they make fake watches and shit like that. | ||
| They try to knock off. | ||
| The cameras are pretty nice. | ||
| The flashes are pretty nice, usually. | ||
| Yes, the camera's dope. | ||
| The flash is very good. | ||
| The video is excellent. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Threaded texting. | ||
| The video is excellent. | ||
| It's not bad to type on. | ||
| The typing, this is the new one, the Storm 2. | ||
| The double-clicking is not bad. | ||
| This is not when it dropped in the toilet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's dropping the toilet. | ||
| This was right next to my poo, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Ah, totally. | ||
| I was at the 9.30 Club in Washington, D.C. By the way, I had a good fucking time down there, D.C. people. | ||
| Thank you very much for your hospitality. | ||
| Awesome, awesome show. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| But anyway, I was at the 9.30 Club this Friday night, and I was pooing my pre-performance poo-poo. | ||
| And I got up and this phone, because I always call it a piece of shit, committed suicide and dove from my pocket into the shitty toilet. | ||
| It's like, I'll show you who a piece of shit is. | ||
| Trying to kill data. | ||
| I know what it's doing because it knows that I haven't backed up in a couple of weeks. | ||
| I got some cool pictures and videos on here. | ||
| And this motherfucker is trying to kill himself. | ||
| And so I got it out and shook it and shook all the water out. | ||
| But I dried it with a hair dryer and the bitch came back. | ||
| I mean, it's great. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Probably tired of listening to your shit, Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's terrible for anything else. | ||
| When you try to go on the internet, you want to shoot yourself. | ||
| You try to use the Twitter function on here. | ||
| so clunky and whack and typing is much better Like, when I have to give someone, if I'm like answering an email and I have to give someone an address or a phone number, it takes five fucking minutes because I barely can push down the three. | ||
| I'm also, I'm always getting the number right next to it. | ||
| It's really weak and annoying. | ||
| So, the iPhone is the shit. | ||
| It's just so goddamn far above every other phone out there. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| If you're thinking about you want one phone, if you only had to choose between one phone, you got to go with the iPhone. | ||
| But if you can afford to have two phones, the iPhone is great for like a little computer. | ||
| To me, it's huge for pictures and Twitters and applications and going on YouTube. | ||
| I would probably wait, though, until after the Apple announcement in two weeks, though. | ||
| Just in case that there's a Verizon iPhone. | ||
| If there's a Verizon iPhone, I'll fucking jump for joy, but I don't think there's going to be one. | ||
| We think that the Verizon thing, what we've read online, because we're both, Brian and I are both tech retards, is the Verizon thing is probably going to be some sort of a tablet, like a little, like an internet, like a Kindle, but you can get on the internet with it, which would be kind of interesting. | ||
| Like a netbook with no keyboard. | ||
| Or just an oversized iPhone, pretty much. | ||
| Have you ever heard of Aubrey deGray? | ||
| Yeah, he's that guy. | ||
| He's a guy from England that is a professor and a scientist who's working hard on life extension. | ||
| He's an interesting dude, kind of a real eccentric character with a crazy long beard. | ||
| And, you know, he's got all these really complex theories on how to extend the human lifetime to like a thousand years. | ||
| Like the only way you would die is if you had, you know, like got in an accident or something or sickness. | ||
| Pretty fascinating shit. | ||
| The problem is, if people live forever, there's not enough room for everybody. | ||
| You know, we're trying to fuck with nature. | ||
| You know, nature has us in a cycle. | ||
| And the cycle is very simple. | ||
| Nobody lives more than like 120 years if you're the baddest motherfucker ever. | ||
| You live to be a buck 20. | ||
| And then you're done. | ||
| And the last few years, you are a fragile mess and you better not go anywhere. | ||
| You know, you could tie your shoes and break your back in half. | ||
| You know, you could fall down when you're going to wipe your ass and headplant into the wall and be done. | ||
| Crack your neck, paralyze, shit all over the floor. | ||
| I mean, that could be the end. | ||
| It's going to be ugly. | ||
| You know, you're going to be a human roll of tissue paper. | ||
| That's what you're going to be. | ||
| So that's the cycle of life. | ||
| And you have children and those children, you pass on your information. | ||
| And that's what's supposed to happen. | ||
| We are in the active process of evolving as a species. | ||
| And there's two things that are going to aid that involvement or evolvement rather, that evolution. | ||
| It's going to be either technology or it's going to be what we learn and what we pass on. | ||
| And if you don't evolve and if you don't pass on something, if your children don't evolve, like this race can't exist from just the people that are alive now living forever, okay? | ||
| Because people don't change that much. | ||
| They try, they do their best, but the amount of people that change over the amount of people that don't change, I mean, shit. | ||
| How many people do you know that get their shit together, that have gotten their shit together, that didn't have it? | ||
| You know, how many people do you know? | ||
| Not many. | ||
| Not that many. | ||
| Most people who are a fucking mess stay a mess. | ||
| And that's not good. | ||
| Those aren't good odds for a whole race of humans. | ||
| You know, I think that the best bet for the human race, if we really care about it as a whole, but we don't. | ||
| We care about ourselves because we're animals and because we have these instincts and these instincts are designed to make sure that we stay alive. | ||
| And, you know, and that's just hardwiring. | ||
| Even though your logic and your reason would dictate, well, hey, I'm only here for a temporary amount of time anyway. | ||
| I need to look at this like, what is my purpose here? | ||
| What am I supposed to be doing? | ||
| And what you're supposed to be doing is making it better for the next people. | ||
| What you're supposed to be doing is making it as good as you can for the people here and leaving an impression so that maybe you can enhance the minds and the open the eyes and set the tone for the next people. | ||
| You know, if you meet a guy who's like a real, I mean, every time I've ever met someone who's like really fucking cool and really nice and really friendly, it has always inspired me to be cooler and nicer and friendlier. | ||
| It's like, it's so cool to meet people like that. | ||
| But, you know, when I was growing up in Boston, I knew a lot of fucking hard-ass people. | ||
| I knew a lot of people that were just always ready to insult you and always wanted to fight. | ||
| And I knew a lot of, and if you grow up around a lot of people like that, you become like that. | ||
| It can make you like that. | ||
| You live in that environment where everybody's kind of douchey to each other on occasion. | ||
| Like you go out to a bar in Boston, chances are you're going to see a fight. | ||
| You go to a nightclub in Boston, dudes still throw down. | ||
| I mean, it's one of the few places. | ||
| Remember when we went to, we used to do the Comedy Connection in Fanny Hall? | ||
| And after the show at like 2 o'clock in the morning, that fucking place would be alive. | ||
| In the summertime, it was crackling. | ||
| It was crackling. | ||
| Like at any moment, you could see a fucking brawl break out where dudes punch somebody and fucking tables would start flying. | ||
| I mean, it was a crazy place. | ||
| Yeah, I would hate to live there. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, how many fights do we see there? | ||
| We saw so many fights and so many close fights. | ||
| Me and Ariam has gotten a fight at McDonald's. | ||
| Just waiting in line for food. | ||
| Yeah, dudes are way more aggressive in Boston than, like, say, if you go out and try to get something to eat in Texas, you know, people are generally pretty fucking friendly. | ||
| Like, everybody has this, like, this stereotype of Texas, but you're way safer going out to get some late-night food in Texas. | ||
| Like, especially like Austin. | ||
| Shit, Austin's badass. | ||
| That's one of the friendliest fucking cities in the country. | ||
| You know, you want to go get something to eat at 2 o'clock in the morning in Austin, you're fine. | ||
| You go get something to eat at 2 o'clock in the morning in Boston. | ||
| You might see a fucking assault. | ||
| You know, you might be a part of something. | ||
| You got to watch where the fuck you're going. | ||
| Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go to the questions. | ||
| There's got to be something you're not looking forward to about fatherhood. | ||
| Well, I'm already a father. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You know, what you don't look forward to is you don't look forward to the fact that you're going to lose a lot of your time. | ||
| Without a doubt, you're going to have to spend, if you don't want to be a shitty parent, you know, if you've had a childhood that was less than perfect, which I think most of us have, right? | ||
| You learn from that and you're supposed to be a better person and a better parent from that. | ||
| And once you have a fucking kid, man, it's like, all right, you have this immense, immense responsibility to raise a human being correctly. | ||
| And You got to get your own shit together. | ||
| You know, it forces you. | ||
| And you're going to definitely have to look at things a little bit differently because you're not going to have the same amount of free time. | ||
| And you can't look at yourself like you're the only thing. | ||
| That's what I was talking about before with a lot of people that I know that aren't happy. | ||
| One of the reasons why they're not happy is they don't have people in their life that are really important. | ||
| I know dudes that are like grown men that don't even have really, really close friends. | ||
| They have like friends, but they like keep shit from them. | ||
| And sometimes they get in bad arguments with them. | ||
| And they don't have anybody that they really open up and are 100% honest with, which is really huge. | ||
| If you don't have like a real friend that you can fucking tell everything to, you got to have those in your life, man. | ||
| Those are huge. | ||
| When we're all out, like when it's me and Brian and Eddie and Joey and we're all out bullshitting, we tell each other basically everything. | ||
| You know, that's one of the fun things about it. | ||
| You know, one of the fun things about hanging out with like people that you really like is, you know, you get to see inside each other's fucking the wiring under the board. | ||
| You get to see how your brain works. | ||
| You know, you get to throw out the way you're thinking and what's going on in your life to them and see how, you know, a person who's not living your life but loves you and looks out for you and wants you to be happy gets to look at it and see it. | ||
| And that's very important for people because sometimes you can't see your life objectively. | ||
| Sometimes you need somebody in your life that cares about you. | ||
| And when people don't have that shit, they don't feel like they have that 100% honesty with someone, you're disconnected to the universe. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why people get so depressed. | ||
| You know, you're depressed because you don't have all this love in your life. | ||
| You have to have a lot of love. | ||
| And you have to put it out there too. | ||
| If you're putting out shit, you're going to get shit back. | ||
| And then you're going to get into a downward spiral that you're never going to pull out of. | ||
| You're going to have a shitty life. | ||
| You're putting out bad energy. | ||
| It's always coming back at you. | ||
| You're always going to be unlucky. | ||
| You're always going to be unhappy. | ||
| It's just the way it is. | ||
| If you're an asshole, you're not going to be happy. | ||
| Assholes, they look like they're happy because you see them laughing. | ||
| They go home and cry and drink or they're fucking psycho and they have no emotions whatsoever. | ||
| But no one is happy being negative. | ||
| Everybody wants to be loving. | ||
| Everybody wants to have good friends and have a good fucking time. | ||
| So this Aubrey deGrey guy, you're not going to live forever, bitch. | ||
| And you're not supposed to. | ||
| You're supposed to do what you can to the people that you influence and touch in this life and hope that it carries on into the next. | ||
| And we all know this. | ||
| We know this inherently. | ||
| And we all know inherently the people who've done this to us. | ||
| Like I said, we've all met people that inspired us. | ||
| And I think that's what we're here for. | ||
| think that's what uh that's what we're supposed to do it's just you're on cover are you What is this robot? | ||
| Why are you playing distracting shit? | ||
| Let me know when you're playing shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me what it is. | |
| It's hard to read the questions off here, man. | ||
| Any plans for a book? | ||
| Yeah, I'm writing a book, man, but the problem is I'm writing comedy at the same time, and I'm also writing blog entries, and I'm also trying to do all my other bullshit. | ||
| So it's taking some time, you know. | ||
| It's hard to sit down and just write a book. | ||
| Because I sit down and write things, and I just want to write about one thing that day, and then I like, that's one of the things I like about blogs. | ||
| I could just write it and throw it up, and bam, there it is. | ||
| But I'm always looking for new ways that people can listen to my shit, get my ideas out there, and get my stuff out there, and come to see me doing stand-up. | ||
| And, you know, the different ways to do that. | ||
| You know, it's like books are legitimate ways. | ||
| There's still a lot of people that don't even have any idea that I'm a stand-up comedian, you know, just because of stuff that I've done that's not funny, like Fear Factor and whatever. | ||
| And, you know, and then doing commentary for the UFC. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's like there's a lot of people that really have no idea that I'm even a comedian. | ||
| So I try to do the best I can to use all the different avenues to get that out there. | ||
| So I think a book is going to help. | ||
| And also, I think it'd be cool to have something that I actually wrote that's a book. | ||
| You know, I just think having a real book in the bookstore is something cool about that. | ||
| Book takes lots of concentration. | ||
| Smoke more weed. | ||
| That's excellent advice. | ||
| I almost always write stoned. | ||
| And it might not make sense. | ||
| And the problem is I read it when I'm not stoned. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck was I rambling about? | ||
| But when I'm high, it's all like super genius shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do do do do do do do do do. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, I was talking about depression. | ||
| Brian's playing a fucking robot video. | ||
| Trying to lighten the mood, Joe. | ||
| We don't need that, man. | ||
| Is Jason Ellis the best radio show to go on? | ||
| Opi and Anthony is the best radio show to go on. | ||
| Jason Ellis is a close second. | ||
| His show is fun as fuck. | ||
| Jason's cool as shit. | ||
| He's hilarious, too. | ||
| I love listening to him. | ||
| He's just cocky and he's funny. | ||
| And he's a cool dude. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| Too many guys in Boston wearing affliction t-shirts. | ||
| Well, there's nice people that wear affliction t-shirts too, sir. | ||
| I goof on affliction t-shirts all the time, but I wear their shit. | ||
| I bought their jeans. | ||
| I bought their dragon jeans. | ||
| Those jeans are awful. | ||
| The jeans are a little bit great. | ||
| But I got some dope ass, these Japanese samurai ones from Affliction. | ||
| Those are the shit, man. | ||
| The whole mythical, I think it's called Heroes and Demons. | ||
| It's badass. | ||
| It's like samurais fighting tigers and shit. | ||
| It's really cool art by this Japanese tattooist, but they don't make them anymore. | ||
| But I told Tom, Tom from Affliction, like those shirts are the shit. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I used to, before I smoked weed, I used to dress terrible. | ||
| I think I dress bad now. | ||
| They used to have leopard print stripes, like structure shirts with like wear really, I used to wear like crushed red velvet shirts and crazy big, I'm not joking, crazy big Hawaiian shirts. | ||
| I'm a fashion retard, like I always have been. | ||
| You know, that's why I still wear a fanny pack. | ||
| Like I wear a fanny pack all the time. | ||
| You know, whenever we travel, I wear a fanny pack. | ||
| And a belt chain. | ||
| Yeah, and my chain, my wallet chain. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| The wallet chain, you know why it's there? | ||
| I've lost my wallet before. | ||
| I don't want to lose my wallet again. | ||
| Bam, I got a wallet chain. | ||
| Should be a little short with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I like it. | ||
| I like it too because Imperial Rose Collection, my man David Tadman, he made it for me. | ||
| He said it to me. | ||
| This dude's this really cool dude who's a big MMA fan, who's a jeweler. | ||
| And he sent it to me. | ||
| So to me, it has like power. | ||
| It's like a gift from somebody, you know? | ||
| So it's this cool chain that I like it. | ||
| It gives me strength. | ||
| And I like that I'm not going to lose my fucking wallet again. | ||
| People are like, look stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucking 42. | |
| You got a backwards hat and wallet chain on. | ||
| I like wearing my baseball hat backwards. | ||
| I like having a wallet chain. | ||
| If you think I look silly, good. | ||
| Make fun of me. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Have you like gone without wearing the wallet chain for like a whole day? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| I've wear a wallet chain for decades. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| I can't remember the last time I didn't wear a wallet chain. | ||
| And that was on Fear Factor. | ||
| They used to make me tuck that shit in. | ||
| And it's weird because there's not many of you. | ||
| You know, there's not many wallet chain people. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Do you ever run in across any other wallet chain people? | ||
| Yeah, well, dudes will compliment each other on his wallet chains. | ||
| And now dudes will look at the chain and go, damn, that's pretty badass, man. | ||
| And Dana White gave me a dope ass one, too. | ||
| I wonder if in the 1700s, if you would have a last one. | ||
| Dana White's given me two wallet chains. | ||
| That's how cool Dana White is. | ||
| But this is the one that I use now. | ||
| That's sweet. | ||
| Can you see it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it because it's all like handcrafted, man. | ||
| It's a little dragon head. | ||
| And the little dragon head opens up and that clips onto my belt. | ||
| And the chain is dope. | ||
| The chain is really cool. | ||
| And for whatever fucking reason, okay? | ||
| This shit is metal as fuck. | ||
| But it does not go off when you go through the metal detector. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| How stupid are metal detectors? | ||
| I will fucking kill you with this. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You can have a tripod on the plane, but you can have a fucking chain. | ||
| Yeah, this thing goes right through the metal detector. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I mean, you really have to think like that. | ||
| I mean, I hope I shouldn't have opened my mouth. | ||
| I hope retards from TSA is watching this. | ||
| Those fucking knuckleheads. | ||
| Some of them are cool. | ||
| I ran into a lot of cool people at the airport, but the laws is what's not cool. | ||
| None of it makes any goddamn sense. | ||
| You know, put a goddamn cop on a plane, on every plane. | ||
| Don't they already do that? | ||
| They did that already? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, not every plane. | ||
| You can't bring a pool cue on. | ||
| You could bring a skateboard, but you can't bring a pool queue. | ||
| What about a laptop? | ||
| You could have a big 17-inch laptop. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Mac. | ||
| And you could have a laptop that you designed purposely to fuck people up. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Totally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's totally weird. | ||
| We should shut up before we get all this shit taken off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should shut the phone off. | |
| We'll get it all taken away. | ||
| So how was Washington? | ||
| Washington was badass. | ||
| Washington, D.C. D.C. Show was great, man. | ||
| We were at this place called the 930 Club. | ||
| That's where I told you my phone fell in the toilet. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Awesome crowd, really. | ||
| I don't get to D.C. very much. | ||
| And the last time I was there before was with John Heffron and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| We did the Maxim Comedy Tour. | ||
| You're in Miami Beach, Florida next week, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm in Miami Beach, Florida on the 22nd, which is what day is that? | ||
| That's what I was looking at right now. | ||
| It is a Friday page. | ||
| Yeah, it's on the Ustream page. | ||
| Friday. | ||
| Put the little calendar on the You Stream. | ||
| Yeah, so next Friday. | ||
| Ba-bam, motherfuckers. | ||
| That's another place I'm not at very often. | ||
| Not in Florida very often. | ||
| Not in Miami very often. | ||
| But I'm here Friday, bitches. | ||
| That's going to be fun. | ||
| That comedy show. | ||
| I guess there's going to be a lot of people in town for that. | ||
| A lot of comics are going to be in town for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That sounds cool. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Powerful comedy festival. | ||
| And tickets are selling really fast. | ||
| So if you want to go, go to... | ||
| Where the fuck do we go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that one is... | |
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to throw the link on Twitter because I'm such a badass bitch. | ||
| Oh, that's what I was going to talk to you about. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's through Live Nation. | ||
| So if you go to live nation.com, each ticket, they are charging $17, like something crazy, like $15. | ||
| Like Live Nation gets a cut? | ||
| Service charge. | ||
| $15 service charge. | ||
| For three tickets, some dude was saying that he was paying something like insane, like $200 or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Go check it. | ||
| Actually, we can do it right now. | ||
| We can do it live. | ||
| Well, you know, that's one of the things I like about a regular goddamn comedy club. | ||
| A regular comedy club. | ||
| What does the ticket cost? | ||
| $25? | ||
| You walk in the door, you pay your $25, and that's it, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or if you show up early, you know, you can go to the box office or you can order online. | ||
| You just buy it from the club and that's what it costs. | ||
| You go through an agency. | ||
| But if you're going to do like a big concert or something like that, you have to go through an agency. | ||
| That's another world. | ||
| Once you start doing like big venues, start doing like several thousand people. | ||
| That's a totally different world. | ||
| That's why I love comedy clubs. | ||
| First of all, the show's better. | ||
| The shows are always better when it's like less than 600 people. | ||
| Once you get over like 600 people, there's still fun. | ||
| There's still a lot of fun. | ||
| DC was more than 600 people, I think. | ||
| But it's still a good time. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But it's just not the same experience. | ||
| The experience you get in the comedy club is like you're right there. | ||
| You're in the mix. | ||
| There's low ceilings and shit, and there's just 300 of you, and you're fucking around, just hanging out, you know? | ||
| Okay, three tickets. | ||
| Try to guess the grand total. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| $159.60 for three tickets. | ||
| That's a lot of money, man. | ||
| Have I smoked weed with Doug Benson? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I don't remember, though. | ||
| I must have. | ||
| I might not have, though. | ||
| I think I did once. | ||
| I think I showed him the solo pipe. | ||
| I was going to get him one, I think. | ||
| Doug's a very nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a real cool guy. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| And I did his podcast. | ||
| He's very fun, too. | ||
| He's got an I Love Movies podcast, but I was totally useless on it because I'm not a big movie fan. | ||
| So they were going to, like, they were all going off, especially Patton. | ||
| Patton Oswald was on. | ||
| He's a movie freak. | ||
| And they were just quoting all these weird, obscure movies and weird, obscure. | ||
| And I just didn't know anything. | ||
| I was useless. | ||
| They were like, what's your favorite movie? | ||
| I'm like, oh, I don't have one. | ||
| You don't have a favorite movie? | ||
| I don't think I have a favorite movie, man. | ||
| Right now it's Avatar. | ||
| Just because I never get felt. | ||
| I've never felt like that before, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like in a movie, like, wow. | ||
| Like, that movie, like, even though it was dumb, you know, even though it was like cliche, it didn't matter. | ||
| It's like felt, it felt so powerful. | ||
| You know, like, it was like moved to tears almost a couple times. | ||
| It's like, I mean, even though it was silly, it was like comic book style, but super powerful. | ||
| You know, like the images and the way it was done. | ||
| Even though there was like some cliche shit in it, it doesn't matter, man. | ||
| They're fucking awesome. | ||
| Did I get my tomahawk pipe? | ||
| Yes, I did, sir. | ||
| Actually. | ||
| Here it is right here. | ||
| But we haven't used it because it's kind of weak. | ||
| It's very clogged already. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's just, it's dumb. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| You're not really supposed to smoke out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're supposed to just go, man, I've got a tomahawk pipe, man. | |
| It's silly. | ||
| But yeah, I got it. | ||
| I got it just so I could show you guys I got it. | ||
| When did I start smoking weed? | ||
| I didn't start until I was like 30 years old. | ||
| That's why I'm so passionate about it. | ||
| Because my whole life, I thought that if you smoke weed, you'd be lazy. | ||
| You'd be a loser. | ||
| Because I knew a lot of dudes when I was a kid, and the guys that did drugs, the guys that were partying all the time, they always wanted to fucking their lives up. | ||
| And I was terrified of fucking my life up. | ||
| That was my number one fear was being a loser. | ||
| My number one, I didn't, my ambition was all fucked up because it wasn't that I wanted to be happy and I wanted to, you know, find some place of, some point of success and do, you know, achieve some goal or, you know, be something for a living that I wanted to be. | ||
| I wasn't doing that. | ||
| I was just trying not to be a loser. | ||
| I was terrified that I was going to be a loser. | ||
| So, you know, I think that's very important to have the right mindset. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Like when you're growing up? | ||
| How gigantic is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it's a lot with parents, but also, you know, just how you're raised and the whole package. | ||
| Yeah, and the people around you think too. | ||
| That's very important, man. | ||
| You know, I don't even remember what I was talking about. | ||
| That's how high we are, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Barbecued. | ||
| But we were talking about something real simple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell was it? | |
| We're talking about Avatar. | ||
| By the way, I finally saw him 3D and I loved it. | ||
| That fucking movie was so great. | ||
| It was the greatest movie ever. | ||
| To me. | ||
| I mean, I say I don't have a favorite movie, but I guess if I had to have a favorite movie, that's my favorite movie. | ||
| Any news on Brock Lesnar? | ||
| I heard Randy Couture said he's back in the gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| You know, more important than anything, even if the dude never fights again. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, maybe he doesn't want to fight anymore now. | ||
| You know, the most important thing is that he's healthy. | ||
| And the most important thing is you, ladies and gentlemen, learn something from this situation. | ||
| Eat your vegetables. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| Eat your fiber. | ||
| You got to clean out your intestinal tract. | ||
| Buy a juicer. | ||
| Buy a juicer. | ||
| This motherfucker's been juicing like crazy. | ||
| And it's his whole life is like invigorated. | ||
| Right, don't you feel like I feel like I could just go do jumping jacks. | ||
| Why isn't this whack ass thing streaming anymore? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Is it Safari? | ||
| Does Safari suck? | ||
| I use Chrome now. | ||
| Oh, this is Firefox. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to try to shut this bitch off. | ||
| Yeah, just close Firefox. | ||
| I've been using Chrome a lot lately. | ||
| I like Chrome a lot. | ||
| I think it's the best. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That or Safari is the best. | ||
| I gave up on Firefox. | ||
| Firefox has been the worst. | ||
| Lately, Firefox has just been slow as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It used to be good. | ||
| Yeah, Firefox crashes sometimes on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut off Firefox. | |
| I got all my fancy new fucking badass quick internet. | ||
| It shouldn't be all gayed out. | ||
| A lot of people got really mad at me. | ||
| I did an interview recently, and I talked about the use of the word faggot. | ||
| I was just explaining how what happened when I did the spike TV thing, that they told me that I could say any word except faggot when the show was uncensored. | ||
| And I was like, that's so crazy because I'm not even talking to a person. | ||
| I'm talking to a dog and some ants. | ||
| That's when I use the word faggot. | ||
| And it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. | ||
| And I know Louis C.K. actually has a bit on that about how it never meant gay. | ||
| And it did. | ||
| Anthony Cumia talks about it all the time on Opi and Anthony about how faggot never really was a homosexual slur when we were kids. | ||
| It was, it was not. | ||
| I mean, but that's true, but it's sort of not true because you knew that it also meant that. | ||
| But people didn't use it that way. | ||
| That's not what it meant. | ||
| And at the end of the day, like, what language is supposed to represent is the context of your thoughts. | ||
| You know, and the problem is when words get hyper-powered, like cunt or nigger or faggot now. | ||
| Faggot is like the new one. | ||
| Or love. | ||
| Love's a hyper-powered word too. | ||
| These words get hyper-powered and the word itself is more important than the meaning behind the word. | ||
| It's not a true expression anymore. | ||
| Like, I mean, a lot of people in relationships and, you know, you say, say you love me. | ||
| Tell me you love me. | ||
| All right, I love you. | ||
| It's like this weird fucking magic word thing that you have to say. | ||
| It's like, you should know by the way someone communicates with you whether or not they love you. | ||
| They shouldn't have to say this one word shouldn't have all this goddamn power. | ||
| You know, the same thing with the word nigger and the same thing with the word faggot. | ||
| And now, I guess. | ||
| Because this gay guy told me when he was explaining this to me that I couldn't say faggot. | ||
| You know, even if I didn't mean anything, he didn't mean gay people. | ||
| I couldn't say it because I'm not gay. | ||
| He said, but gay people can say it. | ||
| Because he goes, it's our nigger. | ||
| Why you have guys kissing? | ||
| That's John Travolta. | ||
| Who's he kissing? | ||
| John Travolta is, I don't know, some dude he met on the streets. | ||
| Wow, that's shocking news, TV. | ||
| What's great? | ||
| He's going to get me sued. | ||
| Who's he kissing? | ||
| Obviously, it's stage, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Well, it's not. | ||
| This one's not stage where he's getting into an airplane kissing another gentleman. | ||
| Well, you know, maybe he likes kissing gentlemen. | ||
| Doesn't mean he's gay, Brian. | ||
| I don't know where you're going with this. | ||
| Listen, just because John Travolta is kissing Manny's photos and one of the funniest things you ever said, dude, was you want to say? | ||
| John Travolta is gayer than a room full of dicks. | ||
| Did I say that? | ||
| Yeah, in Vegas. | ||
| Isn't that one of my favorite things he ever said? | ||
| Well, clearly I was just saying it in jest, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I do not know who's homosexual. | ||
| There's a funny story that I've told before, but it's a true story. | ||
| There was a dude who was a fighter in this organization, this other fighting organization outside of the UFC. | ||
| this was like the 90s and they went to do It was an internet search on this man's name because they were going to write a story about Him to promote his show, and as they were searching him, they found out that someone with the same name was a gay porn star, and not just a gay porn star, but the winner of the Hungriest Butt Contest. | ||
| Not the runner-up of the Hungriest Butt Contest, the fucking winner. | ||
| This dude won the Hungriest Butt Contest, and they didn't believe it was him. | ||
| And then they just started searching more, and they found photos, and they found photos of him. | ||
| Like one dude's in his mouth, one dude's in his ass, and they're using him as like Chinese finger handcuffs. | ||
| And I mean, they found all this porn on him. | ||
| Like, the guy, it was, you know, it was pretty easy to find. | ||
| You know, when the information first got on the internet, porn was the first shit to get out there. | ||
| Porn was there before anything else. | ||
| Before Wikipedia, before YouTube, porn was there. | ||
| So if you had porn on the internet, like you could basically get even stuff that was illegal. | ||
| Like the early Tracy Lords videos, you could have got those back then. | ||
| You can't get those now. | ||
| Like you go looking for a Tracy Lords video now. | ||
| Anything that's illegal like that, that shit is gone. | ||
| But back then, you could get it. | ||
| So gay porn, it was all over the place. | ||
| This poor fuck, they pulled up all these pictures and videos and everything, and they confronted him. | ||
| And he was like, bullshit. | ||
| And then they showed him the photos and he got all angry. | ||
| And he was the headliner. | ||
| He was like the big draw. | ||
| And he just explained that, look, he was down on his luck and it was a lot of money. | ||
| It was a lot of money. | ||
| And so he did it. | ||
| Well, it turns out he did like 100 movies. | ||
| I mean, and the joke is, how much money is a lot of money to you? | ||
| Because if I think you do one movie, you live like you're in a Jay-Z video for the rest of your life. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| You want to do gay sex on video? | ||
| What? | ||
| I got to see some zeros. | ||
| I got to see a lot of commas and a lot of zeros. | ||
| But this fucking guy did a lot of these. | ||
| And the joke is 115 videos. | ||
| By my accounts, you should have all the money in the world. | ||
| There should be no more money left for anybody else. | ||
| Unless you like it. | ||
| See, if you like sucking decks and if you're gay, then that's not bad at all. | ||
| See, this is what people don't understand. | ||
| Like, just because someone thinks it's funny because they personally are not, they don't want to have gay sex, that doesn't mean it's bad that you have gay sex. | ||
| It's only bad for someone who doesn't want to have the gay sex. | ||
| Right, Brian? | ||
| Like, if you're not gay and you do a gay porn, that's a big deal. | ||
| But if you're gay and you do a gay porn, it's like, so what? | ||
| You're sucking dicks. | ||
| Is it any more embarrassing that you're doing a video? | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| It's no different. | ||
| But if you're straight and you're out there blowing guys on video, ooh. | ||
| I used to bit about it in my act that if a guy is like straight and he's blowing a guy, you know, that if you like made a mistake one night, you'll never win an argument ever for the rest of your life. | ||
| Because as soon as you get in the argument, as soon as shit starts getting real, like, man, you don't even believe people win on the moon. | ||
| Like, didn't you suck a dick once? | ||
| And that's the end. | ||
| The argument's over. | ||
| There's no way you can bounce back from that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You had a dick in your mouth. | ||
| This conversation's over. | ||
| You can't trust his judgment anymore. | ||
| You've defeated him. | ||
| You've deflated him as a human. | ||
| Do I feel very blessed to be as famous as I am, says genuine evil86. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I'm just famous enough where it's not creepy. | ||
| I'm just famous enough where no one takes me seriously. | ||
| First of all, Fear Factor was definitely a blessing in disguise. | ||
| Because, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, you know, you get to a place where a lot of people are, like, real super famous people that are loved and worshipped. | ||
| Like, you know, rock stars or Michael Jackson or something like that or Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. | ||
| Like, they're prisoners. | ||
| Like, they can't go anywhere. | ||
| Like, that is a terrible way to live. | ||
| Like, yeah, everybody is fascinated by you, including me. | ||
| If I saw Brad Pitt in a restaurant, I would like point and stare. | ||
| Like, me, you want to hear something crazy? | ||
| Me and Kevin James, okay? | ||
| And Kevin James is fucking famous, right? | ||
| That goddamn Paul Blart mall cop movie he did made like $200 million, okay? | ||
| And Kevin and I are in Boston, and we're in a hotel room, and Tom Cruise was in Boston, too, and Tom Cruise is on the street, okay? | ||
| And we're in Kevin's fucking hotel room, and Kevin's like, Tom Cruise is out there, look. | ||
| And so we're like leaning out the window looking at Tom Cruise. | ||
| And we're on the 10th floor and shit, and Tom Cruise is on the ground floor. | ||
| And we're like looking at him across the street, like, ooh, like a movie star is gawking at another movie star. | ||
| It was pretty interesting to watch. | ||
| I was like, you're, I go, do you know you're that famous? | ||
| Like, he's not as famous as Tom Cruise, but he's fucking really famous. | ||
| I mean, it's silly that he's like so fat, but that's what it is, man. | ||
| People are nutty about fame. | ||
| That's not a good level. | ||
| You don't want to be there. | ||
| You want to be at the level where you don't have to worry about your bills and you're able to do what you want to do, like as far as creatively. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like the fact that I could do comedy, I could do the UFC, I do what I want to do, and I'm enjoying myself. | ||
| And people enjoy what I'm doing, and you develop fans, you develop people that are appreciating what you do, and you appreciate them, and it's a good relationship. | ||
| That's a good level of fame. | ||
| You don't want to be somewhere like, I was watching some video online where the guy, can you put that video up? | ||
| The dude when George Bush went into a restaurant and he's with five Secret Service agents and the guy screaming and yelling at him, you fucking murderer, you Zionist murdering piece of shit. | ||
| And some guy, George Bush Sr., has to, the dude is like, he's an old man. | ||
| He's been around forever. | ||
| He has to travel everywhere with these bodyguards. | ||
| Everywhere he goes, he has Secret Service guys surrounding him. | ||
| And yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he caused wars and he's responsible for all these people dying. | ||
| I see it 100%. | ||
| And it's not like being a movie star, but it's the same thing as far as like, well, no, because people are angry at him. | ||
| Okay, my point is terrible. | ||
| But it is, right? | ||
| Because people are angry at him. | ||
| I mean, the reason why he's got all those people around him is because people want him dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anybody who wants Brad Pitt dead is fucking crazy. | ||
| But the point is, any level of fame, you know, past a certain level can be, it becomes a handicap. | ||
| It becomes like food. | ||
| If you have some food, you should only eat until you're not hungry anymore. | ||
| You shouldn't fucking gorge Yourself and go goddamn crazy. | ||
| You know, it's very difficult to manage any level of fame and to manage the kind of fame that those guys manage. | ||
| I mean, it's almost impossible. | ||
| That's why, why do you think Tom Cruise is so crazy? | ||
| You have to be crazy. | ||
| No one cannot be crazy if you're that famous. | ||
| It's like impossible. | ||
| Like, who can manage that kind of fame? | ||
| You know, like when he was on Matt Lauer talking about psychiatrists and antidepressants, like, Matt, you're glib. | ||
| You're glib. | ||
| Like, he doesn't even realize how retarded he sounds. | ||
| No one tells him. | ||
| No one tells him that he's talking nonsense. | ||
| He doesn't have a voice of reason around him. | ||
| He doesn't have objectivity. | ||
| He doesn't have anybody who talks to him real. | ||
| He has people who gawk and stare and look like Kevin James and I from the fucking 10th floor of a hotel. | ||
| Oh, it's Tom Cruise. | ||
| No one's giving that guy the real shit. | ||
| So when he gets on television and talks nonsense, like he doesn't, he has no idea what nonsense is. | ||
| He's crazy because he's super, super famous. | ||
| And it's like almost impossible to not be crazy where all the rules are completely different for you than they are for everybody else. | ||
| The rules for everybody else are totally new. | ||
| Most people have to create an impression. | ||
| You meet someone, you tell them what your name is, what you're all about. | ||
| With him, everywhere he goes, they know everything. | ||
| They know he's a Scientologist. | ||
| They know he's the greatest fucking, most successful movie star in the history of the world. | ||
| I mean, that fucking guy can't go anywhere. | ||
| Everybody wants to say he's like five foot one and oh, he's gay and he's fucking crazy. | ||
| And everybody's staring and scrutinizing him. | ||
| You know that marriage that he had. | ||
| That first one, Nicole Kidman, that was all set up. | ||
| That was not even real. | ||
| Everybody's constantly up in his shit. | ||
| How could he not be crazy? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian gets a he gets a lot of internet fame. | ||
| You get a lot of weirdos that get upset at you. | ||
| You get a lot of weird. | ||
| How about that Pepsi Spice thing? | ||
| Listen to this story. | ||
| This dude, when Pepsi, you guys remember when Pepsi Spice was around? | ||
| Well, Brian is like one of the OG internet gangsters. | ||
| He was like, he was aware of shit that companies weren't aware of. | ||
| You know, companies were like these multi-multi-billion dollar companies, but they really weren't deep in the internet. | ||
| They didn't understand the impact it had. | ||
| So when Pepsi Spice came out, they didn't have PepsiSpice.com. | ||
| So Brian bought pepsispice.com. | ||
| And Brian started putting up all these crazy... | ||
| The website? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I let it go because I was tired of paying for it. | ||
| And they weren't bringing back the No, I just let it go. | ||
| Somebody else picked it up. | ||
| But what did you do with all those crazy stories that you wrote on it? | ||
| Well, tell everybody about the stories. | ||
| Well, pretty much I just copied off that Morgan Spurlock guy and I said that I was going to drink only Pepsi holiday spice for 30 days. | ||
| What documents? | ||
| For the people that don't know, that's from Supersize Me. | ||
| You ate McDonald's for 30 days. | ||
| It's a documentary. | ||
| Pretty good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so I could only have Pepsi spice to eat and drink for 30 days, which is alone the dumbest thing in the world that anyone believed it. | ||
| I'm not going to eat food. | ||
| I'm going to, you know, have. | ||
| So I started having, like, the first couple days, I started having these lesions and stuff like that. | ||
| You photoshopped these things off. | ||
| Yeah, I made like fake things. | ||
| I made myself look more and more sick. | ||
| I was losing weight and I was starting like my, I was photoshopping fat off me. | ||
| And what's crazy is then I started getting interviews from radio stations thinking it's real. | ||
| And I have that somewhere, like this two-hour interview where college radio stations thought it was real. | ||
| And I had people actually, I started like really thinking I was like dying and stuff like that. | ||
| And then one day I just stopped like 20 days in. | ||
| And people all thought I died. | ||
| It was one of the great trolls. | ||
| One of the all-time great trolls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, just look up Pepsi Spice Project. | ||
| It's been some goddamn brilliant trolls done on the internet. | ||
| The best is Doug Stanhope on baiting,baiting.org. | ||
| Doug Stanhope would go and bait pedophiles and then write, like, I think they did a book about it. | ||
| Didn't they do a book? | ||
| They put it in a book form, I think? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I believe it's still available on, if you go to dougstanhope.com, you'll probably have a link to it somewhere. | ||
| Because one of the funniest things that Doug ever did. | ||
| And he would pretend to be little girls and lure pedophiles and say, like, all kinds of fucked up shit. | ||
| And it was really, really genius stuff. | ||
| I can't pull any of the quotes off the top of my head, but I remember really laughing really hard and wanting to do the same thing, but I don't have that kind of commitment. | ||
| Doug is an animal. | ||
| He's a pit bull. | ||
| The level of commitment that he has towards trolling. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not into goofing on people. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Like that? | ||
| I get bored. | ||
| I mean, I'll argue with people and I'll make fun of someone, but like pretending to be someone else, going back and forth, for whatever reason, my brain doesn't work that way. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't get into those trolls, but I love watching them. | ||
| Like that Pepsi Spice one, I love that one. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| And Doug's, I love them. | ||
| I just don't, I don't, my brain doesn't think like that. | ||
| Here's a, here's, when I actually, this is one of the first videos I did special effects on. | ||
| And here's the, here's the video from Pepsi Spice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Where it's like one of the first times I did like a real good special effect. | ||
| How badass is this video and video shit? | ||
| This is dope, folks. | ||
| This is like we got a real goddamn show here, people. | ||
| Can you see that? | ||
| By the way, all the shit I do, this is probably one of the funnest things I do. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| You know, we look forward to this. | ||
| Sing this out. | ||
| These fucking ads. | ||
| Push that bitch up. | ||
| Push it up high. | ||
| It's me, I'm fucking myself. | ||
| Oh, I thought this was Pepty's punch. | ||
| Oh, this is what you put out? | ||
| This is my advertisement for Pepsi Spice. | ||
| I got that people would play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, this guy's drinking Pepsi Spice. | |
| Oh, this guy's drinking Pepsi Spice. | ||
| What's Brian Foggins on? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious, dude. | ||
| That's very funny, man. | ||
| Have I seen Jesse Ventura's new show? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| I have not seen Jesse Ventura's new show. | ||
| I don't know shit about Jesse Ventura's new show. | ||
| I know it's some sort of a crazy conspiracy theory. | ||
| Sounds awesome. | ||
| I like conspiracy theories up to a point. | ||
| I'm gonna piss. | ||
| Good, dude. | ||
| Brian's gonna pee. | ||
| You guys wanna see his dick? | ||
| Please talk about the music you like. | ||
| You should listen to Fish the Dead. | ||
| Oh, your toilet water is cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| My toilet? | ||
| How do you even know? | ||
| What is your name? | ||
| P-Q-I-L-E-S-24. | ||
| This is the dude who likes the dead and the fish. | ||
| Okay, man. | ||
| I don't get the dead or the fish. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I understand that you like it, and I would never say that it's not good. | ||
| Because it's obviously good to you. | ||
| You know, I gave up saying things suck a long time ago when people like them. | ||
| Because it occurred to me somewhere along the line that even though they suck for me, even though I do think they suck, as long as, you know, what do I care? | ||
| As long as it's not promoting anything ridiculously stupid, as long as it's not, you know, reinforcing retarded behavior, as long as it's not negative for human beings, what do I give a shit? | ||
| You know, you think it's good, you like it. | ||
| I can't get into it, man. | ||
| I can't listen to the dead. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| I did this Grateful Dead experiment where I tried to listen to it for 30 days, but I was hating it so much that I didn't want to. | ||
| I was going to write about it. | ||
| I was going to listen to The Dead for 30 days and then write about it at the end. | ||
| It's just not my shit. | ||
| But that's okay. | ||
| I mean, you can like it. | ||
| But I was listening to The Dead one day and I put on, right after I listened to it, I was listening to it for like an hour and then I put on Midnight Rider by the Almond Brothers and I never listened to Dead again. | ||
| I was like, are you fucking kidding me, man? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I mean, look, I know some people like The Grateful Dead, and I understand, and I appreciate it and shit like that, but listen, man, there's some fucking music that, there's there's some music that's on another level and in my opinion the shit from I'm looking for a I'm looking for the song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lord, I was born again, but mine... | |
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| That ain't funny. | ||
| Where's my goddamn almond brothers? | ||
| You know, this is a wack ass setup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, here, this is him! | |
| Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product! | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You can get a rooster. | ||
| You can get a rooster. | ||
| This is a picture of a picture. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You allowed it to do that? | ||
| Well, I mean, it'll sell it to the UFC. | ||
| I can't find Allman Brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, here we go. | |
| Okay, shut that off for a second. | ||
| Listen to this shit. | ||
| Listen to this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's Ramblin', man. | |
| That's not what it was. | ||
| It wasn't that right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking card. | |
| Do I not have that? | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it on my fucking phone. | |
| How do I not have it on my iTunes? | ||
| Oh, there it is, you bitch. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Mute your screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What the hell is that? | ||
| You gotta mute your screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but then how are they gonna hear this? | |
| You have to mute your screen. | ||
| Oh, otherwise it won't play, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Well, you're just gonna echo yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| yeah all right here we go You know, you can listen to the Grateful Dead all day. | ||
| That's all good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this playing good? | |
| I hope this doesn't sound terrible. | ||
| If this sounds terrible, let me know. | ||
| Because it's just playing over this microphone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| I listen to that man. | ||
| I can't go back. | ||
| I can't go back to the Grateful Dead. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I understand it if you like it. | ||
| It's not my shit. | ||
| I like some rap music. | ||
| I like 70s music. | ||
| The Midnight Rider from the Almond Brothers. | ||
| I don't know if it sounded good to you guys. | ||
| Does it sound awesome? | ||
| It's a great goddamn fucking song. | ||
| Just a... | ||
| That stuff just so resonates today, man. | ||
| You know, you listen to some of the 60s and 70s music, Zeppelin and the Doors, and just When I'm in a mood and I want to hear something, especially if you smoke a joint and, you know, you sit in your front of your computer, you want to write, I'll put on some fucking classic rock, man. | ||
| It just, it makes you, it just makes you feel more connected. | ||
| There's just like, there's something about that music. | ||
| Like, whatever they were doing at the time and they were making that music, they were nailing it. | ||
| They, you know, there's music from that era that doesn't smell at all like commercial. | ||
| It doesn't smell at all like they were trying to, you know, to trick people or do something they thought was going to be successful. | ||
| There's a bunch of music from that era that's just beautiful, man. | ||
| It's just a live. | ||
| It's like the purest version of musical art, you know? | ||
| And I think it's because they were all doing psychedelic drugs. | ||
| I mean, I think that had a lot to do with it. | ||
| Everybody was high. | ||
| Everybody was smoking pot. | ||
| They were dropping acid and taking mushrooms. | ||
| And they were coming out with dope fucking music, man. | ||
| And today, still to this day, I mean, no one's going to be listening to Pop Pop Pop Pop Poke Our Face. | ||
| No one's going to listen to that in 30 years. | ||
| No one's going to listen to that in 40 years. | ||
| Led Zeppin will still be around in 40 years. | ||
| 40 years from now, some fucking dude in a spaceship is going to turn some other dude in a spaceship onto a whole lot of love. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| 40 years, we'll still be stuck on this planet. | ||
| 400 years from now, that shit will be like Mozart. | ||
| No one's going to remember pop-pop-po-poker face. | ||
| No one's going to remember that, right? | ||
| Don't you agree? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a pretty big song. | ||
| I think you're just hating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think I'm hating? | |
| Do You like that song? | ||
| I think it was okay at the beginning, but I mean, the main thing, who cares about me? | ||
| That's like my number one song, you know? | ||
| Not every song is number one, you know. | ||
| But will people remember it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that song's horrible. | ||
| Does anybody here? | ||
| I mean, I like. | ||
| I like Lady Gaga. | ||
| She's not bad. | ||
| Yeah, this dude is down, man. | ||
| Kevin Newcomb knows what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| Says they have the best music. | ||
| The Almond Brothers, they're just soulful, man. | ||
| There's something about those. | ||
| When Joey Diaz describes it as the best, those dirty motherfucking white boys, dirty white boys from Florida, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Getting that pure heroin. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| They were playing the real music, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You gotta get Joey Diaz on one of these. | ||
| Joey Diaz will be here next week. | ||
| We're gonna drag him in here next week. | ||
| Even if we have to change the schedule of the show and do it at a different time. | ||
| Now, because I didn't look at this at all the last time we did this, I have to look at it now. | ||
| Yeah, I made a post on my message board asking people to put in questions. | ||
| So because of that, I'm going to go there right now and check out what the questions are and see if anybody had some cool shit because people were upset that I did it last week. | ||
| But when I did it last week, I didn't answer any of the questions. | ||
| But I mean, I like the questions and it's good to have the questions, but I wanted to make this as loose as possible. | ||
| I want to make this as much as whatever we feel like talking about, you know, whatever, whoever's here, whatever, just let things come out, you know, and answer Twitter questions and all that shit. | ||
| What are the best tips for navigating a high-dose mushroom trip? | ||
| Are you doing them regularly? | ||
| That's the first question. | ||
| I don't do them regularly. | ||
| Terrence McKenna, who I learned everything I know about psychedelics from that guy, or at least that's where I started, is listening to what he had to say, reading his books. | ||
| But what he always said is that you should do them in high doses and very rarely. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| He said that psychedelic experiences should be something where you do the right dose and then you take a long time off and sort of contemplate what happened. | ||
| And I agree with that. | ||
| The last time I did anything really strong, like DMT, that was over two years ago. | ||
| And it was because it was a very, very, very profound experience. | ||
| And I wanted to make sure that I got as much out of it and understood it and sort of deciphered it as much as I could and applied it to my life as much as I could before I just went to try to do it again. | ||
| I'm very serious about psychedelic trips. | ||
| I don't think it's play. | ||
| I mean, I think you can have a good time on mushrooms with your buddies if you don't take too much, but I think you can get a lot out of psychedelic trips where you, and I'm not criticizing people who want to do it for fun. | ||
| Because look, I like to drink for fun. | ||
| I like to smoke pot for fun. | ||
| I smoke pot both for introspective quality thinking and also for fun. | ||
| And I don't, if you want to do it for fun, that's all good. | ||
| But what I'm saying is, like, for me, personally, I've learned a lot from psychedelic experiences. | ||
| And what I believe is what Terrence McKenna has always said, is that you should do them very rarely. | ||
| You do them and then you don't do shit for a while and you think about what the fuck you learned. | ||
| Because it doesn't, if you really want to improve yourself, you're really using it for that reason to really expand your consciousness, you don't get anything out of it if you can't apply it to your life. | ||
| You can't just have the experience and then become some fucking shut-in who doesn't interact with the rest of the world because all you want to do is, you know, go down your basement, turn the lights out, and do mushrooms. | ||
| Now you're not even a part of us anymore. | ||
| You've got to be able to function in both worlds, in the psychedelic world and in this world. | ||
| You've got to be able to navigate both dimensions. | ||
| And I think if you do too much drugs, if you do them all the time, you can definitely lose your handle on this world. | ||
| So that's my answer to that question. | ||
| I think if you're doing anything consciousness expanding, and always do things that have been done for thousands and thousands of years. | ||
| I mean, I'm not telling you to do anything illegal, but there's stuff that you can do that isn't illegal. | ||
| They just haven't classified it yet. | ||
| You know, ayahuasca isn't technically illegal. | ||
| DMT is illegal. | ||
| Ayahuasca has even been sanctioned recently. | ||
| Some church in New Mexico won a Supreme Court case where they take DMT. | ||
| It's part of their Christian church. | ||
| It's part of their religious ceremonies to get in touch with God. | ||
| Yeah, they won a Supreme Court case. | ||
| Very few people know about it, but you should know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| And that's the real problem with psychedelics is that there are no shaman anymore. | ||
| You know, in these tribes in Peru and these people that live in the Amazon, there's like a history of usage that goes back thousands of years and they pass it on from generation to generation. | ||
| And the shaman, the people that like brew this ayahuasca, ayahuasca is this very powerful dose of DMT that comes in an orally active form and they get it from combining these plants and boiling it into this crazy mixture. | ||
| Between that and there's also shaman in other parts of the world, New Mexico, where their shaman where their thing is mushrooms. | ||
| And these are people that have navigated these dimensions, whether it's ayahuasca or mushrooms or peyote, they've navigated these dimensions many, many, many, many times. | ||
| So they can tell you what to expect there. | ||
| They've learned from their experiences and they can help you. | ||
| I think that's the real problem is that psychedelic drugs aren't necessarily bad for you. | ||
| They're just illegal. | ||
| And when they're illegal, they can be bad for you because if you can get caught with them, you can get locked up. | ||
| Your life can get fucked up if they find them in your piss, if you have to test for some sort of a job and then all of a sudden you're labeled a drug addict. | ||
| Yeah, in that sense, psychedelic drugs can be bad. | ||
| In the other sense, it's like, look, a circular saw, like one of those, those are awesome if you know how to use one. | ||
| You could build a house. | ||
| You could fucking do some cool shit. | ||
| You can cut some wood that you would never be able to cut with like a stake knife. | ||
| But it doesn't mean everybody should have a fucking circular saw and just be using it all day. | ||
| And that's the same thing with mushrooms. | ||
| Mushrooms are just like any kind of tool. | ||
| You can, like, like I say with marijuana, with a hammer. | ||
| You can build a house with a hammer, or you can just hit yourself in the dick if you're fucking crazy. | ||
| It doesn't mean that hammers should be illegal. | ||
| And that's the same thing with psychedelic drugs. | ||
| I wouldn't give a circular saw to a 13-year-old boy and say, hey, go play with this. | ||
| But if a guy is a goddamn carpenter and he knows what he's doing and he's gone up through trade school and he did an apprenticeship and worked as a carpenter's apprentice and learned how to use tools properly and learn the proper safety precautions, then yeah, that guy should be able to hold a fucking chainsaw. | ||
| That guy should be able to use a circular saw. | ||
| That guy should be able to work in a machine shop. | ||
| He's learned how to do it. | ||
| And that's the same thing with psychedelic drugs. | ||
| There should be someone showing you the dangers and the pitfalls and what it's all about because it's not simply that easy. | ||
| It's not like you can just do them and you're going to be okay. | ||
| Some people do psychedelic drugs and they're so unmentally prepared for it that they're never the same again. | ||
| And that's a real possibility. | ||
| And someone needs to be there to evaluate whether or not you've got the proper information, whether your head's in the right place. | ||
| And that's why it would help if we were more open about these fucking things. | ||
| And the nutty thing is, it's still got this terrible reputation. | ||
| And here we are in 2010. | ||
| And I think the reputation is all based on the fact that when we get something in our head, we stick with it. | ||
| We get something in our head, even when all the information, like marijuana, still illegal. | ||
| 2010. | ||
| In most states, it's illegal. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| When alcohol and tobacco and all that shit is readily available, but we get it in our head that it's bad because it's been illegal all our lives. | ||
| It's very tough for us to change gears. | ||
| And for a long time, we've had this thing in our head about psychedelic drugs. | ||
| And it's just a cultural pattern. | ||
| It's just a lock. | ||
| We got talked into it. | ||
| When the media was young and when the newspapers were around and that was the only way to get information out, they would publish these stories about marijuana and the William Randolph Hearst scandals. | ||
| William Randolph Hearst owned, not only did he own newspapers, but he also owned paper mills. | ||
| And when they invented the decorticator, it made it more effective to process hemp fiber. | ||
| And what he started doing was attacking the hemp industry so that he didn't have to change over his paper mills from wood to hemp paper. | ||
| Because hemp is a far superior paper. | ||
| It makes superior clothing. | ||
| You can eat it. | ||
| It contains all the essential amino acids and the seeds. | ||
| Besides the fact that it gets you high, even take away the get-you-high part, even the plants that don't get you high at all are still really economically valuable. | ||
| Well, William Randolph Hearst attacked that industry because he owned the newspapers. | ||
| He started printing these stories saying that blacks and Mexicans were smoking this new drug called marijuana and they were going out and raping white women. | ||
| And so because of that, because he did this, they all, you know, people got crazy and they all got paranoid and Congress actually outlawed marijuana, not even knowing that they were outlawing hemp. | ||
| They didn't even know it was the same thing. | ||
| So that's how marijuana became illegal in the first place. | ||
| And that's why it's still illegal today. | ||
| It's that once something is stuck in our consciousness, it takes a long time to get it out. | ||
| Well, I think that a long time ago, it was probably very, very common in all cultures to have a shaman, to have some sort of someone who is aware of psychedelic states. | ||
| John Marco Allegro, he argues that that's what Christianity is all about. | ||
| Christianity is all about concealing these secrets of consuming hallucinogenic drugs. | ||
| He was a guy who deciphered the Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| John Marco Allegro worked in the Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years. | ||
| And after he did all this deciphering, now I don't know if he's right, neither do you, unless you're a biblical scholar, unless you can, you know, you have to be a master of ancient languages. | ||
| You have to study it for decades to even understand what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| I read it, it's like, makes sense, sort of, but he could be totally bullshitting. | ||
| But what his story is, was that the entire Christian religion was a giant misunderstanding. | ||
| What it really was all about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility cults. | ||
| And that's what it was all about. | ||
| It was all about breeding babies and taking mushrooms. | ||
| Which makes sense. | ||
| People lived thousands and thousands of years ago and didn't know what the sky was. | ||
| They didn't have any science. | ||
| And they're popping mushrooms. | ||
| They wouldn't want other people to know how badass the mushrooms are. | ||
| You eat mushrooms, you see God. | ||
| They wouldn't want other people to know about that. | ||
| So they would hide it in stories. | ||
| It totally makes sense. | ||
| Some guy said, have you tried Robitussin? | ||
| What are you, kiddie-dukkhis pal? | ||
| Drinking Robitussin? | ||
| What else you drinking? | ||
| After Shayfella? | ||
| Agreed, this guy says he hates everything on the radio. | ||
| I don't hate everything on the radio, but god damn, I hate a lot of songs. | ||
| I think there's just a certain reality and like a lot of rap and a lot of classic rock. | ||
| I like Soundguard too. | ||
| I love Soundguard. | ||
| I heard they're getting back together again, which I love because I was not a fan of that Chris Cornell shit on his own. | ||
| Yeah, lately I haven't been a fan at all. | ||
| He seems like a really cool guy and he's talented as fuck as a singer. | ||
| But there's like some bands, they get together, they got a magic, you know? | ||
| I don't think even if they get back together, I don't think it's going to be that good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think a lot of bands like Soundgarden, they were good because they were young and they were doing drugs and going crazy and just experiencing life. | ||
| Now I think these are just people that have slowed down, slowed their role, and they're trying to be something they're not because their music just, a lot of these guys' music just bored. | ||
| You know, I think that was kind of what I was talking about earlier when I was saying that there's a certain level that you reach as a performer. | ||
| You know, if you get too famous, you get too successful, it's very hard to cope. | ||
| It's very hard to be still creative and still have enthusiasm. | ||
| I mean, how many guys just get better and better every album? | ||
| There's not that many. | ||
| It's real hard to pull off. | ||
| Who do you think has ever done it the longest, most consistently? | ||
| Beatles, Zeppelin, one of those guys, probably. | ||
| The Beatles did it forever, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did they ever fall apart? | ||
| They got better, right? | ||
| Yeah, they got better. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, they did, right? | ||
| They got into their psychedelic stage, you know, their fucking, the white album stage. | ||
| Have you ever played rock band? | ||
| I got better. | ||
| Beatles rock band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's great because you start off like shitty Beatles songs and you're just like, this song sucks, whatever. | ||
| And then you start getting into like psychedelic and it's just, it's cool because the more you play, the more into the music you play. | ||
| Well, they didn't just, see, the thing about the Beatles was they didn't just change their music. | ||
| They changed like the whole culture that was listening to them too because people got swept up in their music. | ||
| You know, people were such huge fans of John Lennon that when he started getting into transcendental meditation and acid and, you know, hanging out with gurus and shit, they all got into it Too. | ||
| Like, he changed a lot of people's consciousness. | ||
| That was a guy that really, really affected a lot of the way our culture operates, the way people think. | ||
| Michael Jackson, too. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Michael Jackson, just from the music, like how powerful it was. | ||
| Like bad and thriller. | ||
| Man, when I was a kid, there was nothing that was more popular than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like it was so recognized that his talent was just so far and above everyone else's. | ||
| And, you know, everybody's like, God, it's so sad that he's such a freak and he's so crazy. | ||
| But the more I've been thinking lately, I think that when you get to a certain level, I think there's a certain level of greatness that some people achieve, like a certain frequency that some people achieve. | ||
| And it's almost impossible to achieve if you're not insane. | ||
| It's almost impossible to push yourself that far, that hard. | ||
| Because it's not easy to be like Michael Jackson. | ||
| It's so fucking hard. | ||
| It's not just a natural talent. | ||
| It's a focus and an energy. | ||
| And that focus requires like a very singular way of looking at things and a very sexual obsession. | ||
| A lot of sexual abuse. | ||
| I think that probably helps too, right? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| You think that's what happened with him? | ||
| You think it was abused when he was a kid? | ||
| I think probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe they all were. | |
| It could have been that he just got so fucked up because he got so famous when he was so young that he never felt like he had a chance to grow up and he wanted to go back to when he was a child. | ||
| And he was just so psychologically damaged that he literally wanted to be around children because he wanted to revert back to that moment in his life before he realized that life was haywire. | ||
| You know, I've thought that before because you know what? | ||
| The thing is about all these child molesting accusations is that he was always around all these poor kids and trying to help all these kids with cancer and shit and people who were broke. | ||
| And it's like after a while, I mean, these people, like, all they have to do is say some crazy shit about Michael Jackson. | ||
| And, you know, it looks weird. | ||
| Why is Michael Jackson hanging out with kids all the time? | ||
| All I have to do is say some crazy shit and he's got to pay you. | ||
| He's got to pay you. | ||
| You start going to the newspaper. | ||
| And to these people that were super broke, I mean, that had to be so tempting. | ||
| Here's this billionaire, the biggest rock star, music star in the history of the world. | ||
| And he's hanging out with your kid. | ||
| And you just get your kid over for sleepovers. | ||
| But he didn't. | ||
| What I'm saying is, there's not like a whole bunch of people coming out saying he fucked them. | ||
| You wouldn't just fuck a couple kids. | ||
| You'd be fucking kids all over the place. | ||
| Especially if you're Michael Jackson. | ||
| You'd be like the Tiger Woods of kid fucking. | ||
| You'd be just banging kids all over the place. | ||
| If you've got that obsession where you want to have sex with kids, if you look at like child molesters, the recidivism rate is through the roof. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's like in the 99% or something like that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just made that number up. | ||
| It's real high, though. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| I've read it. | ||
| I don't remember what the numbers are. | ||
| But people have said time and time again, it's very difficult to reform someone. | ||
| So if he's like banging kids, he's not just going to bang one or two. | ||
| But that's why he had kids and he called the kid blanket because he's always on top of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that supposed to be? | |
| Seriously, though. | ||
| I mean, if you're a child molester and you get caught, wouldn't you have kids? | ||
| You're just saying good enough? | ||
| Yeah, but you're saying that. | ||
| None of his kids have ever come out and accused him of doing that. | ||
| You can't just say that. | ||
| You're making. | ||
| I'm not saying that's what's true. | ||
| He said that. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not saying that's what I believe in. | ||
| I believe that he probably slept with kids and he probably kissed them, but I don't think he's like, you know, like doggy stuff on the side of the bed or anything like that. | ||
| So you think he just did inappropriate shit? | ||
| Yeah, I bet he's just because he thinks he's a kid, you know? | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| I bet he was molested by his father growing up. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Because, I mean, Miley Cyrus would be fucking black by now if that was true, you know? | ||
| Somebody said this, and I don't know who said this, but I don't want to not give him credit, but I don't remember who it was. | ||
| They said that they think that Michael Jackson might have been castrated. | ||
| They think that at a certain point in time, Michael Jackson might have been castrated, and that's why he can sing at such a high pitch, even though he's a grown man, and that might be why he's so fucked up sexually. | ||
| And it totally makes sense, especially when you look at his children. | ||
| Those are not his children. | ||
| I mean, they're white kids. | ||
| They're 100% white. | ||
| I mean, he's a black man. | ||
| I mean, he might have paid for someone to have those kids for him, but they're not his kids, you know? | ||
| And I think that it's real possible that that's real possible. | ||
| But it's speculation. | ||
| Yeah, but Janet and Alden all kind of have that kind of voice. | ||
| No, Tito doesn't. | ||
| Jermaine doesn't. | ||
| Those are men. | ||
| You look at his brother. | ||
| Those are men. | ||
| Unless he's like some sort of a biological freak, why does he have that voice? | ||
| Why is he look like that? | ||
| Why is he so feminine? | ||
| Why is his voice so high-pitched, even though he's a grown man? | ||
| I mean, could you imagine? | ||
| What if, what if, I mean, he's so crazy with his fucking plastic surgery. | ||
| What if he had some bad sexual experiences when he was younger and he just decided to castrate himself? | ||
| I mean, you look at what he does to his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not beyond the realm of question. | ||
| I'm just making up fucking rumors right now. | ||
| It's two hours and five minutes. | ||
| This is the goddamn rumor show, folks. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is my anger to one of these Twitter posters. | ||
| I love those guys that just... | ||
| There's guys that just like trying to get your attention. | ||
| Look at me, look at me. | ||
| Like every five posts, it's the same guy. | ||
| Castrated men can't get hard, man. | ||
| Oh, can get hard, man. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| Trust me, I know. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| I thought that was the whole point of castrating people. | ||
| Unless you take, like, you have to take Viagra or something? | ||
| Is there any dick experts out there on the Twitter, ladies and gentlemen? | ||
| Please, give me some information. | ||
| Can you really get a hard on after you're castrated? | ||
| Not by natural means, right? | ||
| You have to take something, don't you? | ||
| Seems like when the balls are whacked out, that's a rap, son. | ||
| That's a rap, son. | ||
| Some rap, son. | ||
| I'm glad you guys are enjoying it. | ||
| JPJ4P0. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| It's fun for me, too, man. | ||
| Would I bang a 16-year-old? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| You know, they look hot. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| And they're ready to fuck. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What, 16 years? | ||
| Teenagers? | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying anybody should fuck them, but when you see a girl, like when I was 16, when I was 16, I was having sex. | ||
| Weren't you? | ||
| I was having sex. | ||
| And my girlfriend was 15, and she was built like a woman. | ||
| She looked like a woman. | ||
| She had tits, and she had a big ass, and it was a woman, and she wanted sex all the time. | ||
| I mean, that shit is real, you know? | ||
| I mean, that's, but you're not supposed to do it. | ||
| Doug Stanhope has a joke about it. | ||
| Me and Brian, me and Ari were talking about it on the plane. | ||
| Ari told me the joke that Doug said. | ||
| And apparently, Doug said, you know, you say that they're 16 years old. | ||
| They shouldn't be having babies. | ||
| Well, guess what? | ||
| God disagrees. | ||
| That's why they can get pregnant. | ||
| And that's a really good point. | ||
| I mean, that's really true. | ||
| But no, I wouldn't have sex with a 16-year-old. | ||
| That's a child. | ||
| I mean, even if a girl's like 20, like, I'm 40 fucking two years old. | ||
| Like, I've heard of dudes that are like my age that have like 20-year-old girlfriends and everybody laughs about it. | ||
| Like, wow, look at that guy. | ||
| He's got 20. | ||
| We have a buddy that has a wife, and his wife's 19, you know, and he's in his 40s. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| But, you know what? | ||
| That's them. | ||
| They like it and they have a good time. | ||
| I have a hard time talking to people. | ||
| You know, I can't, I mean, if I'm living with someone, they have to be smart. | ||
| I mean, I need someone who has some experience. | ||
| Same level. | ||
| You have to be on the same level as me. | ||
| And there's something that you deny when you're younger, but you realize when you get older, is that when you fuck, when you have sex with someone, even though you like to think that it's just physical, you just get in there and you blow a load, it's not that simple. | ||
| There's some sort of a weird connection that human beings make when they fuck. | ||
| And especially when you do it to someone who's young, like they, we learn how to ignore that connection. | ||
| We learn how to like push each other away. | ||
| When we get older, we learn how to separate and get, you know, just deal with it about like physically. | ||
| But when you're young, like you get so attached. | ||
| You remember how attached you were the first person you had sex with? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Unless that person's a total douchebag. | ||
| You know, like you get really hooked on them. | ||
| Like puppy love is brutal. | ||
| I mean, that's what they call it. | ||
| You're inexperienced in the incredible connection. | ||
| And as you get older, you learn how to manage that connection. | ||
| But the connection is real. | ||
| And if you're a grown adult and, you know, you're, especially if you're in a position to take advantage of this kid, you know, they're young and naive and silly and you're fucking them. | ||
| That's a weird thing, you know? | ||
| But then again, a lot of 20-year-olds are horny as fuck. | ||
| And they want some tech. | ||
| I'm not telling you what to do. | ||
| Do whatever you want to do. | ||
| But to me, why not? | ||
| You know, girl's 18, that's like a baby to me. | ||
| That's a little child. | ||
| I like women, you know? | ||
| I don't like them old. | ||
| I don't even like them my age. | ||
| But it's, women are more fun. | ||
| I like to be able to talk to people, don't you? | ||
| Some dude, Josh Jutsu, says, I'm 23. | ||
| Well, good for you, you young little whipper snapper. | ||
| When I was 23, I was fucking retarded. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| I was a complete and total dumbass. | ||
| So I hope you were smarter than me, sir. | ||
| Because life can be tough when you're stupid. | ||
| We all come from a different place. | ||
| We all have a different starting point. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Some people, their parents are super cool and real open and their dad's their best friend. | ||
| And their dad was very educated and intelligent and raised them in a very smart way. | ||
| And that person is a huge head start. | ||
| Huge, huge, huge head start in life if your parents are cool. | ||
| My parents are divorced when I was a little kid. | ||
| My stepdad came into the picture when I was seven. | ||
| He was 24. | ||
| And imagine if you were 24 years old and actually I was five when he came into picture. | ||
| You were 24 years old and you have a fucking five-year-old kid hanging around with you. | ||
| So if he came in the picture when I was five, then he was like 22. | ||
| That's young as fuck. | ||
| To be that young and to be around someone else's kid, someone else's loud ass kid, you know, that's hard to deal with. | ||
| So a lot of you out there, maybe you, my 23-year-old friend, maybe you have a head start. | ||
| You know, maybe you'll be smarter than me when you're 23 than when I was 23. | ||
| But I think what I was talking about recently with a friend of mine is that guys like Michael Jackson or, you know, or anybody that I know that's exceptional, almost everybody I know that's really exceptional in anything had kind of a fucked up childhood. | ||
| And I think that's really weird. | ||
| You know? | ||
| People that I know that are like, all my friends that are like really good comics, all my friends that are like really good artists, all of them had fucked up childhoods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Showing the beginning thing again? | ||
| Showing the beginning thing again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That beginning thing's pretty badass. | ||
| I think it's horrible that people have fucked up childhoods, but I think there's something that comes out of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| You know, like when you're imbalanced, it's like your ride is so much rockier, but there's so much more energy behind it. | ||
| It's like if you can get a hold of it and control your personality and figure out a way to stabilize it, it's like you have so much more thrust than a person who's content. | ||
| But it might be unhealthy. | ||
| Final words? | ||
| Final words? | ||
| Listen, bitches, I ain't got no final words. | ||
| You know, take a couple of these questions in the forums.jorogan.net website before we bail. | ||
| This is fucking question. | ||
| What is your take on the global Freeman on the land movement? | ||
| What do you think without law and order, people would generally maintain the peace or descend into anarchy? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Some people are just waiting for shit to fall apart, man. | ||
| How many people do we have on our message board? | ||
| This is a dude named 42K. | ||
| Just listen to the first question. | ||
| What is your take on the global Freeman on the Land movement? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about, man? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Dude, what's your take on lime beans? | ||
| This is my favorite thing, when people go, man, you're going to have to... | ||
| Our money's going to fall apart, man. | ||
| It's going to be only thing that's going to be worth something is gold. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did you ever watch Mad Max, you stupid fuck? | ||
| When society falls apart, you're going to need a car and guns and gasoline, okay? | ||
| You're not going to need gold. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck about that stupid yellow metal. | ||
| You're going to need bullets, okay? | ||
| You're not going to need food and a place to sleep that's warm. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing with gold? | ||
| Gold isn't worth anything. | ||
| Pussy and guns, that's all. | ||
| Those are valuable assets. | ||
| Cars, that's Important. | ||
| A house? | ||
| That's important. | ||
| Preferably surrounded by chain-linked fence and dogs. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's what you're going to need. | ||
| You're not going to need gold, you dumb fuck. | ||
| What do I think about James Toney fighting the UFC? | ||
| I'm a huge James Toney fan. | ||
| He was an awesome boxer. | ||
| Still is an awesome boxer. | ||
| But, you know, I don't know if he's really into it. | ||
| If he's really into it, he's a fucking, you know, he's a fucking champion. | ||
| That guy's so good at boxing, he can get wrestling. | ||
| If he really, who knows? | ||
| Maybe he's been, I mean, he's been watching this shit for years. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| Everybody's talking shit. | ||
| He might have been secretly working on his wrestling. | ||
| He might have a six brawl. | ||
| If you got to stand up with that dude and he's got four ounce gloves, he's going to fuck you up. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| James Tony boxing with you. | ||
| That guy's going to fuck you up. | ||
| I don't know how he eats those leg kicks, though. | ||
| Leg kicks might fuck him up. | ||
| Get a guy like Ray Sefo in there with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ba-boom! | |
| Ba-ba-boom! | ||
| Those fucking thunderous tree trunk leg kicks slamming down on your meat and making your legs buckle. | ||
| You only take a couple of those, bitches. | ||
| Are you on page three yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I have everything set up, so there's a hundred images or a hundred posts. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Am I excited about coming to Toronto? | ||
| Have I ever been? | ||
| No, I've never been to Toronto, and I can't fucking wait. | ||
| Your wife has nice tits, Manapoo. | ||
| Very nice tits. | ||
| He told me to say that. | ||
| He said, tell my wife she has nice tits. | ||
| She does. | ||
| She has nice tits. | ||
| Congratulations, sir. | ||
| I'm reading the page, man. | ||
| You know, see, he said, I'm just seeing if he's reading the page, really. | ||
| He had to say that because he didn't want to be bragging about your wife's tits, you know? | ||
| What did he say about being drunk? | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Smoking weed and fucking is just awesome. | ||
| Being drunk is better when it comes to eating pussy, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not in my opinion. | ||
| In my opinion, being drunk is better when it comes to eating ass. | ||
| Because it's the only time I do it. | ||
| Because I never eat ass when I'm sober. | ||
| The only time you eat ass when you're sober is when you just got out of jail. | ||
| When you're high, you don't want to eat ass either. | ||
| But I don't eat the fuck out of some pussy when I'm heart. | ||
| You just, you like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It depends. | |
| It's making fox ass. | ||
| I'll eat that anytime of the day. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anytime of the day, eat that ass? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| What if it's all pooey and you don't care? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you even wipe it off or just dive in there? | ||
| You wipe it off with your mouth? | ||
| I'll start with the hair. | ||
| Well, that's why I think it's important to drink. | ||
| Drinking, the reason why drinking and eating ass goes in hand in hand is the alcohol kills the E. coli. | ||
| I mean, when you're drinking Jack and Cokes and you're eating ass, the alcohol is killing any bad bacteria. | ||
| That alcohol has flushed your whole system with poison. | ||
| Nothing's growing in that. | ||
| No bacteria is going to take hold. | ||
| It's going to get swallowed up in that whole antiseptic chemical reaction that the Jack and Coke has. | ||
| That's why you really think you can eat ass when you're on Jack and Coke. | ||
| When you're high, you don't want to eat ass. | ||
| But when you're high, you're like, this is probably not the best idea. | ||
| It's like a frog. | ||
| You know where you put like metal in there and it cleans the metal? | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If you take jewelry and put it in a can of Coke, it just dissolves all this shit. | ||
| It tastes like Coke and a frog. | ||
| Yeah, if you put a frog in a thing of Coke, like a dead frog, it just eats all the skin away and just bone. | ||
| Makes it bone. | ||
| Is that true, folks? | ||
| Or is that one of those? | ||
| Dude, it looks dangerous. | ||
| Because I heard that taking the paint off cars was bullshit. | ||
| Is that bullshit? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Snopes, anyone? | ||
| Do you know one of the best things to clean your grill is Coke? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| In a rag. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| The doctors. | ||
| When you're having like a fucking barbecue sandwich, a nice goddamn cold Coke tastes pretty fucking delicious. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So barbecued pork, pulled pork sandwich. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think that's going to be the end. | ||
| We're going to take one more question so we end on a high note. | ||
| But we are enjoying the fuck out of this. | ||
| Here's this. | ||
| The disclosure product has 400 witnesses proving E.T. life exists. | ||
| Even astronauts. | ||
| Listen, just because you have 400 people saying that they've seen UFOs, that does not mean there's UFOs. | ||
| That means you have 400 people that say they've seen UFOs. | ||
| And they might really believe they've seen UFOs. | ||
| But you know, they have a real problem and hunters have a real problem. | ||
| And this happens all over the world, where the most experienced hunters are the ones that wind up accidentally killing people. | ||
| And the reason being is that these guys are, when you're experienced hunter, you know that sometimes your window of opportunity where you get a shot at a deer is real short. | ||
| You got to be able to react. | ||
| The deer's right there through the trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| You got to be able to shoot. | ||
| And people see things that aren't there. | ||
| And one of the things they all say universally when they have an accident, and these are like good people, church-going people, no anger, no violence issues. | ||
| Guys who just love hunting. | ||
| They say they swear they saw a deer. | ||
| They swear they saw a deer. | ||
| One guy accidentally shot this woman in Maine and she had white mittens on and he is following a deer and this lady was in the woods and she had her white mittens on and he saw that white and he said he saw the buck. | ||
| He said he saw it. | ||
| He said it was right there in front of him and he said he squeezed off the trigger. | ||
| We don't fully understand how our consciousness and our imagination affects what we see. | ||
| It's still very much It's there's something tricky to it. | ||
| Hallucinations and the ability to see things that aren't there, that's real. | ||
| And if someone's in a very heightened state, if they're in a very heightened state, like if they're in the heightened state of wanting to see a deer, or if they're in the heightened state of being in the woods in the dark and you think you see a monster, you can see a fucking monster. | ||
| You can really see it. | ||
| You can convince yourself that you've actually seen it. | ||
| If you see something and you don't know what it is, you will turn it into your mind and make it a monster. | ||
| If you're out in the woods and it's pitch black and you stumble into a wild boar and you barely see it and it makes noise and runs away, it could be some two fucking foot tall troll man with giant fucking furry feet and glowing eyes. | ||
| You could make something up in your head and you don't think you're doing it, but you're doing it. | ||
| The human imagination and the human memory are not totally to be trusted. | ||
| So unless they have actual evidence, listening to anybody talk about UFOs, you have to listen to them and go, hmm, maybe, maybe. | ||
| I'm not saying That you can't get, you know, here from other planets. | ||
| I mean, if you are so sophisticated that you can travel to this world from another galaxy or another solar system, why wouldn't you be so sophisticated that you could hide? | ||
| Why wouldn't you be so sophisticated that your UFO is completely invisible? | ||
| Why wouldn't you be totally undetectable? | ||
| Why wouldn't you, I mean, maybe they would just have everything completely mastered. | ||
| The idea that, you know, they would show themselves and look like they're dangling on a string, allow people to take pictures and, you know, and they, well, maybe they wanted us to see them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And that's how they did it? | ||
| They just showed up in some weird, obscure place where, you know, no, no, come on, man. | ||
| No, that's not what they're doing. | ||
| If there really are aliens, they're probably so alien you can't even recognize them. | ||
| They're probably, I think that what we recognize is what we see in our dimension, what we see in our environment, what we see in our world. | ||
| I think there's probably life forms out there that exist that are so alien to us, we don't even have the senses to detect them. | ||
| And the way I've talked about this before, and I always talk about farts, and that by when someone farts, if you don't have a nose, you have no idea it stinks. | ||
| There's literally something going around you that's invisible. | ||
| And this sense that you have tunes into it. | ||
| How do we not know that there are an infinite amount of things that we cannot detect that are around us all the time? | ||
| We don't. | ||
| It's just guesswork. | ||
| Because something's not on the same frequency as us, something's not solid, it's not tangible, you can't bang on it, because just because of that doesn't mean it's not real. | ||
| And if there are aliens, they're probably so fucking alien, you can't even see them. | ||
| They're probably on a totally different frequency than we are. | ||
| I'm not buying all these dudes that say they've seen UFOs because they really want to see UFOs. | ||
| These motherfuckers want to see it. | ||
| They have all had experiences and something's happened to them, but they want to see UFOs. | ||
| They want so bad, they've given up on their jobs. | ||
| They've given up on their careers. | ||
| They've decided to pursue UFology full-time. | ||
| They make YouTube videos constantly. | ||
| They do conferences and seminars. | ||
| They have a lot of vested interests involved in the idea of flying saucers and ships from other planets coming to this earth. | ||
| And there's a lot of psychological things you have to take into consideration, like why these people want to see these things and when these experiences happen. | ||
| That's another thing. | ||
| People who have individual experiences, especially alien abduction experiences, most of those things come in the middle of the night while people are dreaming. | ||
| And when you're dreaming in the middle of the night, your brain is producing all sorts of psychedelic chemicals, including DMT. | ||
| The most potent psychedelic known to man is produced when you're in heavy REM sleep. | ||
| So when these people are having these alien abduction experiences, how do you not know that it's not your imagination mixed in with psychedelic drugs that you don't even know you're having? | ||
| You're having these things and your brain is producing them and you're having these incredible fucking psychedelic trips and maybe you're halfway into a dream and you wake up and you're still tripping all these chemicals in your fucking brain and you start creating all these scenarios with your imagination. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're on a spaceship. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you're in the middle of a fucking natural DMT trip. | ||
| And if you smoke DMT. | ||
| There's dumb people that want money, Joe, actually. | ||
| There's some people that aren't dumb, though. | ||
| There's some people that aren't dumb that have real experiences. | ||
| You know, I've seen their interviews. | ||
| I've read stuff they have. | ||
| I've read all the John Mack books. | ||
| John Mac. | ||
| Some of them, yes. | ||
| They vary. | ||
| There's no one. | ||
| You can't generalize when people have had UFO experiences. | ||
| But any supernatural, phenomenal, out-of-the-ordinary experience has to be considered in all sorts of different ways. | ||
| Where's the evidence and what else could it have been? | ||
| And when you look at what time these things are taking place, almost universally they take place late at night. | ||
| Especially alien abduction experiences, almost universally take place late at night. | ||
| And when these people have these experiences, they're all like sleeping. | ||
| You know, they're all like half out of it and something happens to them. | ||
| It's much more likely an endogenous dump of psychedelic chemicals. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I'm no expert. | ||
| My disclaimer, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| This is all shit that I've read on the internet and watched documentaries on and learned when I was in my isolation tag. | ||
| Stone. | ||
| We've had a good time here today. | ||
| Brian, did you have a good time? | ||
| 50% of the time. | ||
| 50% of the time? | ||
| What didn't you like about today? | ||
| I've heard a lot of it before. | ||
| Yes, that's the problem. | ||
| When these subjects come up, a lot of times, I've talked about all this shit many times before, but Brian has to realize there's a lot of people out there that have not seen me talk about all these things before. | ||
| And when interesting subjects like this come up, you know, you got to address it. | ||
| I think they're important things to talk about. | ||
| But we had a good fucking time. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| We're going to do this every week. | ||
| Like I said, I upgraded my internet today. | ||
| Finally, it's up. | ||
| So now I can get Brian here beside us and we can load videos up and shit. | ||
| And like I said, behind us, we're going to put up a green screen. | ||
| And when we put up the green screen, we're going to be able to have like a space background and shit. | ||
| And I got all kinds of cool things coming on. | ||
| And we're going to do this every week. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| Next week, I'm going to try to bring on my boy Joey Diaz. | ||
| Maybe Eddie Bravo will join us as well. | ||
| Maybe Ari Shafir will join us. | ||
| We might have a whole party in here because next week I'm going to have a big couch in here. | ||
| So thank you very much. | ||
| I had a good time, you motherfuckers. | ||
| If you want to come see me do stand-up, if you're in Miami, I'm at the Lincoln Theater in Miami on the 22nd, which is, I think it's next Saturday or next Friday? | ||
| Next Friday. | ||
| So nine days from today. | ||
| So thank you very much, everybody. | ||
| I want to play that thing on full screen. | ||
| That's how we'll end. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Love you, bitches. |
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