Jan. 6, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:14:54
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| Is that it? | ||
| Can you people hear us? | ||
| Are we up and cracking? | ||
| We had sound for a second there. | ||
| Oh, we did have sound. | ||
| It just didn't show it in the window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Okay. | ||
| We have sound now? | ||
| Come on, you dirty bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jump over to the chat. | |
| They'll tell you right up immediately. | ||
| I don't want to look at the chat. | ||
| These faggots. | ||
| They're all living in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Chad's gay. | |
| I heard you for two seconds just now. | ||
| Yes, okay. | ||
| It's working. | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| So I should close out of this, right? | ||
| Otherwise it won't work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell the Twitter people last time. | |
| This thing, because it already adds Hey Joe Rogan. | ||
| See? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi, everybody. | |
| Welcome to the Joe Rogan Podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi! | |
| Where's that tomahawk? | ||
| Trying to figure out technical difficulties. | ||
| Brian shoved that tomahawk pipe up his ass and we gotta get it out. | ||
| So we got our tomahawk pipe that we were gonna order last week. | ||
| You said a peace pipe. | ||
| What is a peace pipe? | ||
| It's a fucking battle ass. | ||
| Peace or war. | ||
| Your choice, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how the Indians roll. | |
| I don't think it's probably the best pipe. | ||
| It looks like a piece of shit. | ||
| It's already clogged. | ||
| It comes clogged now. | ||
| Looks cool though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we got a real one right here. | |
| So why fuck around, bitches? | ||
| And since all three of us are legal, we're legally medicating here. | ||
| See, what you're looking at is three sick people. | ||
| R, you get headaches? | ||
| Is that what you get? | ||
| I get headaches and I have sleeplessness. | ||
| Sleeplessness and headaches from Mr. Shafir. | ||
| No, I didn't tell him headaches. | ||
| I said sleeplessness and I said I had surgery the year before. | ||
| That's all true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I get really bad anxiety, but the rest of the sentence is when I smoke weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he still gets me. | |
| Alright. | ||
| We're up and cracking, people. | ||
| Is that bad like the old days? | ||
| That was given to me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I was like, there's no other reason. | ||
| So, I should kill his gay music, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not really gay. | ||
| It's just not really good. | ||
| It's created by and for homosexuals. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't fit with the vibe of what we're trying to flow here. | |
| You guys are liars and it's completely cool. | ||
| What do we lie about, fella? | ||
| Oh, about our prescriptions? | ||
| No, we didn't. | ||
| It helps me sleep, one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be wrong. | |
| It gives me anxiety. | ||
| And I had surgery before. | ||
| And it did, uh, it is legal. | ||
| Brian, if you had to guess, either everyone's watching you or no one's watching you, what would you say? | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now, it feels like everybody's watching me. | ||
| Because you're paranoid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He gets paranoid when he smokes the weed. | ||
| But that's what I told the doctor and he still gave it to me. | ||
| Is everybody in here? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Everybody's in here. | ||
| Oh, you need to unpack that. | ||
| This one? | ||
| Yeah, this one's fucked us up. | ||
| I got some weak-ass, wack-ass DSL internet, but I got new internet installed. | ||
| I just have to install a new router. | ||
| And then, from there, we'll be able to upload videos. | ||
| We'll be able to... | ||
| I'm going to change this background, and I'll bring a couch in here. | ||
| And get rid of this desk and put a new desk in. | ||
| And so I only have one desk. | ||
| I got this big-ass long desk. | ||
| This room's all clocked up. | ||
| So I'm gonna put a couch in here. | ||
| Have a little table right there. | ||
| So we have the microphone set up there so we can lounge and do this properly, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Check this shit out. | ||
| I just got in... | ||
| This is awful. | ||
| Imagine having to deal with this. | ||
| My mom has a Windows XP computer that's like seven years old. | ||
| And she only has 56k internet available at her house. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm trying to help her fix a computer from a virus and she can only connect at 56k. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I read a lot of shit that won't even run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Old people and viruses, man, you should just shoot that computer. | ||
| There's no way you're going to fix it. | ||
| But can you imagine only getting 56k? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| I did for a long time. | ||
| Shit, I started out with 14.4. | ||
| I started out with AOL on an old-ass Mac, one of those tan ones, the beige ones. | ||
| And it had a 14.4 baud internet connection. | ||
| God, remember how brutal that shit was? | ||
| Remember when 33.6 came out? | ||
| You were like, I'm a motherfucker! | ||
| Everybody got 56k, and I was like, man, I can't believe it. | ||
| That's like five times as fast. | ||
| I remember paying like $120 for a 56k modem back in the day, and that was like so much money, and it was just like, oh, finally. | ||
| So much better than how it started. | ||
| It was even worse. | ||
| You get online, you gotta tell people, hey, I'm online, who wants to use it when I'm done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before I get off. | ||
| Yeah, you couldn't use the goddamn phone. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's craziness, man. | ||
| Well, now that's that AT&T U-verse thing. | ||
| If the internet goes down, everything's down. | ||
| If the TV's down, then your phone's down. | ||
| Files. | ||
| Everything's down. | ||
| How would you masturbate? | ||
| How would you masturbate? | ||
| You've got to go by memory. | ||
| Those are your three things. | ||
| When was the last time you masturbated by memory? | ||
| Shower, I do all the time. | ||
| Wow, look at you, you sexy bitch. | ||
| Do you think cavemen had to draw what they wanted to masturbate to first? | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| I think cavemen just raped and fucked. | ||
| I don't think they bothered masturbating. | ||
| Masturbation is a byproduct of civilization. | ||
| If we weren't civilized, we'd be raping like a motherfucker. | ||
| There'd be no masturbating. | ||
| You'd just find someone you wanted to fuck. | ||
| And there would be no gay. | ||
| Yeah, there'd be no gay. | ||
| You'd just rape your brother and shit. | ||
| You'd be raping everybody. | ||
| Yeah, there would be no masturbation if there was cavemen, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think rape takes a lot more work. | ||
| Same as now when you have a girlfriend. | ||
| Not with old people. | ||
| Old people just get raped all day. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| Everybody would be waiting in line to rape the next old person. | ||
| When you didn't have a language and couldn't say, hey, fucking stop. | ||
| You couldn't fight someone off back in those days? | ||
| No, no rape. | ||
| It was just rape. | ||
| If you couldn't, like, reason with people and say, listen, when you're raping me, you're hurting me. | ||
| I know it feels good temporarily, but there's other solutions. | ||
| You can't talk someone out of rape when there's no language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| They just attack your ass. | ||
| I mean, that's logic, right? | ||
| Do you think a girl that's in a coma is just like a robot fuck doll? | ||
| No, she didn't do anything. | ||
| No, that's rude, man. | ||
| That's not a doll, it's a person. | ||
| She's never gonna come out of the coma, though. | ||
| So what, man? | ||
| But she's still a human being. | ||
| Is she? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But here's the thing about comas. | ||
| Haven't you ever seen, like, one of those interviews where someone was in a coma for, like, seven years, and then, for whatever reason, the guy just woke up, and he said he was awake the whole time? | ||
| Wouldn't that be awful? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Yeah, I want him to know. | ||
| Fuck that, man. | ||
| Get webcast tips from Anthony Cumia. | ||
| That's a very good idea. | ||
| Next time I go on ONA, we're definitely going to do that. | ||
| We're going to find out what the fuck is up. | ||
| Oh yeah, he has a great one from his compound. | ||
| Dude, his is sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once you get your internet hooked up, it's all I'm waiting for. | |
| I just bring a laptop over here and this shit will be changed in a second. | ||
| It's going to go off. | ||
| I've been just waiting for the internet upgrade. | ||
| I think this is a good thing to commit to. | ||
| This is the 2010 commitment. | ||
| We're going to do this every week. | ||
| So easy. | ||
| Just hop on and fuck around and everybody enjoys it. | ||
| Does Anthony have guests? | ||
| He's got everything, man. | ||
| He's got guests. | ||
| He's got these cameras that are real studio quality cameras. | ||
| He's got real radio station microphones. | ||
| He's got everything. | ||
| He's got a background green screen. | ||
| So he changes it and makes it like buildings. | ||
| Dude, that's what we need. | ||
| This back wall needs to be a fucking green screen. | ||
| We need to put space behind it. | ||
| No, like that rollercoaster effect. | ||
| How hard would that be? | ||
| That wouldn't be hard, right? | ||
| Dude, I have a sheet. | ||
| I can bring a sheet over. | ||
| Oh, that's gonna happen right there. | ||
| The one we got right now! | ||
| Well, the cable's installed. | ||
| I just need to change the router. | ||
| Can you take a picture of this and green screen the exact same background behind us? | ||
| Oh, that would be so dope. | ||
| So we can pull cables. | ||
| You know what would be cool? | ||
| As if we added like two mirrors looking into each other where they look infinitely different. | ||
| Yeah, that would be cool. | ||
| Did you see that video I posted today on your message board under I can't wait till my cell phone does this? | ||
| No, what is it? | ||
| There's a video on Joe's message board. | ||
| It's under the topic called I can't wait till my cell phone does this. | ||
| And it's this company that does special effects so that you can pretty much, and it shows like all their samples, and it's just like backgrounds of buildings that you'd never think was a green screen. | ||
| And it just shows you like the scenes first and then it shows how they're just, yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| Could you imagine if you could do that with your phone? | ||
| If you could like put your phone down and change what you're looking at? | ||
| You know, that's what's going to happen eventually. | ||
| When they figure out how to broadcast images and make them look real like it's right in front of you, like not just on a screen, but an actual hologram that looks real right in front of you. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| Could you imagine when your TV becomes something that you just... | ||
| Place in the middle of your living room, you put it down, you turn it on, and the image just comes out of it. | ||
| Yeah, man, like old school Princess Leia type shit. | ||
| But, like, you can't tell the difference, though. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Fuck, how intense would that be? | ||
| It'll start off like VHS quality, where you're like, I can kind of tell the difference. | ||
| It's all staticky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gonna happen. | |
| 3D television was the big thing at the... | ||
| Fuck wearing 3D glasses though. | ||
| No, except one of them has one where you don't have to. | ||
| Well, I didn't see the Avatar in 3D. I saw it in regular. | ||
| And even in regular, holy fucking shit, that movie's good. | ||
| It's not like a good movie, like really great writing, and you can't believe they weren't there. | ||
| You see everything coming a mile away, and you don't care. | ||
| I'm probably going to see it this week, but I just feel like I'll leave going like, eh, it's alright. | ||
| No, you're not going to say it's alright. | ||
| If you get super baked, you're going to love the fuck out of that movie. | ||
| Did you see it yet? | ||
| No, neither has yet. | ||
| These guys haven't seen it. | ||
| I see through storylines too easily. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| These guys are both nerds. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| You're going to see through the storyline, but it's not going to matter. | ||
| But it's not for that. | ||
| It's a comic book, man. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| It's just entertainment. | ||
| Just pretend like you're 15 again. | ||
| And you're just watching some stupid Batman movie. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Oh my god, is there good action. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, bro. | ||
| I didn't want to tell you about it because I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| I don't want to be the person who fucking spoiled it. | ||
| I don't mind dumb spy movies or shit like that or just action movies. | ||
| Fuck a spy movie. | ||
| This thing's off the charts. | ||
| And I didn't even see it in 3D. Apparently in 3D, it's insane. | ||
| Mike Black said that 3D is a must. | ||
| He sees movies more than anybody, but IMAX is not necessary. | ||
| He said you have to go 3D, but not IMAX. You can take it or leave it. | ||
| He's probably seen it ten times already, right? | ||
| He's seen it a few times. | ||
| Mike Black, if you talk to him on a Tuesday and say, want to see a movie? | ||
| He's already seen everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Every week. | ||
| He just goes every week. | ||
| He always gets that midnight show. | ||
| I love movies when they're good. | ||
| Avatar was a great experience. | ||
| I believe there's something about seeing a movie in front of a bunch of people too. | ||
| It's a totally different experience. | ||
| Watching a movie by yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| When it's a shitty movie then you're just watching a shitty movie with a bunch of people and it sucks even more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We also had Hellboy 3. And we still walked out. | |
| That was terrible. | ||
| That movie was so dumb. | ||
| There's people that love it. | ||
| I know, but I think they're Hellboy fans. | ||
| They're fans of the comic book first. | ||
| And that's what we fucked up on. | ||
| We didn't know what was going on. | ||
| I couldn't get high enough. | ||
| No, it's the responsibility of the movie. | ||
| To make you understand, even if you're not a fan. | ||
| Yes, but that happens in those big story things like Harry Potter. | ||
| I saw the last Harry Potter. | ||
| It was death. | ||
| I couldn't wait for it to be over. | ||
| It was like being in jail. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| It wasn't even remotely entertaining. | ||
| There was nothing entertaining about it. | ||
| I saw one Harry Potter that was pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, the first one was really good. | ||
| The first couple were good. | ||
| Where they had that broomball thing? | ||
| Yeah, that was fucking dope. | ||
| Tree monster. | ||
| One of the second ones, I think, was when the dragon was coming after him. | ||
| Was that the second one? | ||
| I think that was... | ||
| No, I think that was the third one. | ||
| That's the one with the tree. | ||
| That dragon scene was worth the whole movie to me. | ||
| Everybody talked about how the Hulk sucked. | ||
| That Hulk totally sucked. | ||
| But when he's fucking shit up, man, it's worth it. | ||
| No, no, it's good. | ||
| All the new Marvel movies have been pretty good. | ||
| The Iron Man was fucking insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The new one looks even crazier, man. | ||
| That's gonna be the shit. | ||
| I need a good story along with the action. | ||
| I couldn't watch Wolverine, man. | ||
| The last Wolverine was terrible. | ||
| I'm sure the action was just as good as some other stuff, but it's like... | ||
| It wasn't, though. | ||
| If there's nothing gripping you, it doesn't... | ||
| It's too predictable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like, there's the scene where the gasoline's running away from the car, and he's walking away, and he lights the gasoline, and the car blows up behind him. | ||
| How many fucking times can you see that one? | ||
| That fucking scene is so weak. | ||
| And they don't even look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| Exactly! | ||
| Exactly what he did. | ||
| And then when it blows up, it just keeps walking. | ||
| Yeah, it's so stupid. | ||
| So, like, I'm a badass. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You gotta come up with a new way to be... | ||
| The new badass isn't, like, some guy who's, like, snarling. | ||
| The new badass is a guy like Fedor. | ||
| It doesn't say shit. | ||
| There's no image. | ||
| I would do it and try to be cool and light it and start to walk away, but then I'd start to assume it's gonna happen, so I start going like that. | ||
| And then I'm like, wait, what's happening? | ||
| And then I'm gonna blow up. | ||
| Not only that, you gotta look out for shrapnel. | ||
| What are you, stupid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How can you assume it's not going to hit you? | ||
| It's going to fuck blow up back there. | ||
| It's going to come flying at you, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think my trail is so long and around a building. | |
| Yeah, I would run like a... | ||
| Still pay a bum to light it. | ||
| I would still want to see it. | ||
| Yeah, pay a bum to light it. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| See, look, I'm pretty sure in the movies... | ||
| What was the last time anybody died doing that in the movies? | ||
| Never. | ||
| You could talk some sense to them. | ||
| He'd be like, yep, yep, yep. | ||
| That'd be a great idea to do a movie. | ||
| Have a guy. | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I've talked to you guys about this before. | ||
| Wouldn't it be awesome to have a job to watch a movie and just your whole job was just going, alright, I totally wouldn't do that. | ||
| I wouldn't keep my keys on the dashboard while I'm at McDonald's. | ||
| You know, or something like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because it seems like there's so many movies you're into and then you're like, oh, what? | ||
| That's so gay. | ||
| It seems like they could be true. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Professional Hollywood nitpickers. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| You should start an agency. | ||
| They have that thing where people go to see TV shows. | ||
| They probably have that already, and it's like the gaffer. | ||
| But we just never knew what the gaffer was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're bugging one person, you're probably bugging a whole bunch of people. | |
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And people just deal with it. | ||
| It's like girls that won't tell you that your breath stinks. | ||
| But the more you have to do that, the more it takes you out of the movie. | ||
| Totally, yeah. | ||
| Well, there's some scenes like that in Avatar, definitely. | ||
| There's a couple of scenes like that. | ||
| You didn't have to do it. | ||
| There was a few cliches that were so extreme. | ||
| It was almost like it wasn't even a movie. | ||
| This is how clunky some of the acting was. | ||
| Even Sigourney Weaver was so clunky. | ||
| It wasn't like it was a movie. | ||
| It was like, you know how you go to Universal Studios and you go on a ride and before the ride you play that little video? | ||
| It was like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, ugh, what? | ||
| And then you're like, okay, go back in. | ||
| But you're not fully back in. | ||
| You've got to come out and... | ||
| The cliches were just so off the charts. | ||
| They did it in Zombieland. | ||
| It was pretty good, but the chicks had a line at the end. | ||
| It was almost like you had me at hello. | ||
| And you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, I'm watching a movie. | ||
| Yeah, but isn't that what that whole movie was kind of about? | ||
| Cheesy humor mixed with zombies and stuff? | ||
| This is what I want to know. | ||
| Is there a single human being... | ||
| That wasn't humor. | ||
| Is there a single human being that saw the ads for that fucking, let me tell you about the Morgans, you know, the movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, the new one that's out now, something about the Morgans? | ||
| Is there a fucking single human who saw that ad and went, fuck yeah! | ||
| Yeah, there had to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there? | |
| I'm sure there's huge Sarah Jessica Parker fans. | ||
| Yeah, but even a huge Sarah Jessica Parker fan doesn't give a fuck about Hugh Grant. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's gotta be somebody. | ||
| Who was coked out of their mind when they greenlit that fucking movie? | ||
| I think we got a winner here. | ||
| We got Hugh Grant and we got Sarah Jessica Parker. | ||
| And then someone pulls the guy aside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's 2010. It must suck, too, if you're a screenwriter. | |
| It's not a 1990. Yeah, you're like, I'm thinking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. | ||
| It's like, awesome! | ||
| And then the studio comes back and he's like, hey, instead of that, we're going with these guys. | ||
| We want to keep it a little low-budget. | ||
| You'd be like, no, no! | ||
| Why would you... | ||
| Well, they're committed. | ||
| They have two projects going right now. | ||
| It'll be at least a year and a half. | ||
| This script is so good. | ||
| We don't need stars. | ||
| We don't need beauty. | ||
| We don't need talent. | ||
| Your script is so good. | ||
| We want a guy that got arrested for getting blown by black hookers. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Disgusting ones. | ||
| Ruined his career, sort of, but not really, right? | ||
| He kind of came back after that. | ||
| They all come back. | ||
| You know, you could get busted doing something like that if you're an actor, and for some reason, it's okay. | ||
| You gotta have projects in the works already. | ||
| They don't want to eat the money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Kramer didn't have anything in the works. | ||
| Yeah, if you've got projects in the works... | ||
| Well, he never had anything in the works. | ||
| He's a weird fuck. | ||
| Like, Mel Gibson had, like, three things coming. | ||
| So what are they gonna do? | ||
| Not show him? | ||
| Let's talk shit about Kramer. | ||
| Did you, uh... | ||
| Did you ever have to deal with him? | ||
| The Jews? | ||
| Did you ever have to deal with him at the commoner store? | ||
| Yeah, I saw him, uh, not in a bad way. | ||
| I saw him, um... | ||
| When he got there, I was like, oh cool, Kramer's here. | ||
| He just always felt like he wasn't really there. | ||
| Yeah, he wasn't. | ||
| But then you saw him on stage, like, oh, this isn't good. | ||
| And then people stopped being weirded out by him. | ||
| I called you that night before it happened. | ||
| I was like, dude, Kramer's here. | ||
| He's fucking like on crack or something. | ||
| He's with some crazy chick. | ||
| And like an hour later, that all happened. | ||
| It was either Brent Ernst or Maz Jobrani. | ||
| Was he the one who told us? | ||
| He came back from the laugh factory and told us. | ||
| He was like, Brent. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brett. | |
| Brett. | ||
| B-R-E-T. Yeah, Brett. | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| I thought you said Brett. | ||
| I thought you said Brett. | ||
| No, I said Brett. | ||
| You said Brett. | ||
| I said Brett. | ||
| Anyway, he came over and just told the dude Kramer went fucking crazy. | ||
| Started yelling nigger at people. | ||
| And we were like, what? | ||
| But we thought it was like another one of those things. | ||
| In the world of comedy, you always hear about some shit like, hey, were you here about what happened in the conversation last night? | ||
| Don Barris pulled his cock out and slapped some lady in the face with it. | ||
| You're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, she's suing, man. | ||
| It's getting crazy. | ||
| That's normal, trust? | ||
| Like, cool, I wish I would have been there. | ||
| I left like an hour before. | ||
| Yeah, you'd be pissed off. | ||
| That's one of the things about the old school comedy store is you never wanted to go home because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen. | ||
| I made the mistake of thinking a show was over where a guy was miming out being broken up with by a porn star as she started fondling and touching her boyfriend that was there. | ||
| And he was like, please, Pete Carbone, please take me back. | ||
| I can change. | ||
| And then they got on stage and I thought it was done. | ||
| I was like, ah, that was a great night. | ||
| I left. | ||
| Later, the porn star was fucking her boyfriend. | ||
| Right to the side of the stage. | ||
| While everybody was watching. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| While embarrassed on stage. | ||
| Crazy goddamn bitch. | ||
| And I'm like, why would I have gone home? | ||
| It just seemed like it was all wrapped up. | ||
| That shit will happen all the time at the comic store. | ||
| You never know what you're going to see there. | ||
| A lot of penis. | ||
| A lot of penis at the comedy store. | ||
| It seems like everyone wants to show you their dick. | ||
| Why do comedy comics like that so much? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Because it's funny. | ||
| Lip dick is hilarious. | ||
| You lip dick with your ball sacks. | ||
| Flaccid gross penises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's something else. | |
| What was the chick's name that was on stage where Joey was in the back of the room at the original room and he came out and kept pulling his balls out and she thought she was killing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would come out. | |
| She was terrible. | ||
| She was a terrible comedian. | ||
| Christine. | ||
| I forget what her name. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Anyway, whatever the chick's name was. | ||
| She's on stage and she's one of those lifers that had been doing comedy like 20 plus years but had never made a living out of it. | ||
| The comedy store kind of kept those people around. | ||
| Whereas those people, the really crazy people that are not really in the world of comedy but they're sort of in the world of comedy, they don't get up at the improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But at the store, those people would get up on a regular basis. | |
| And they really want their stage time. | ||
| And they want to run through their jokes. | ||
| And you want to see them and panic when you see them on the line up because you thought they would clear the room out. | ||
| They would. | ||
| They usually will. | ||
| Clear that fucking room. | ||
| 8 times out of 10. Yeah, and so anyway, so she's on stage and every time she goes near Bucks, like we've all seen her act a million times, Joey Diaz is behind her. | ||
| The way the original room worked, you could actually sneak up on somebody while they're on stage, open up the curtain, grab them and pull them into the darkness. | ||
| There's a curtain right there. | ||
| And you could fully stand back there. | ||
| Plenty of room. | ||
| Plenty of room. | ||
| You got like this much room. | ||
| So Joey goes back there, takes all his fucking clothes off, and every time she hits the punchline, he pulls open the curtain and starts shaking his balls, and his big giant grapefruit balls are slapping around, and then he would close it back up. | ||
| And she didn't see shit. | ||
| She thought she was slaying. | ||
| She thought she was slaying. | ||
| She was like, oh, you guys like that one? | ||
| She was all jolly and happy. | ||
| All of a sudden she figured comedy out. | ||
| Like, yes, my hard work has come to fruition. | ||
| And when that happens to you, the whole back row fills up with comedians. | ||
| And the comedian that's on stage is like, oh cool, the comics are watching me. | ||
| We've seen so much crazy shit at that place. | ||
| The comedy store, the old school hangouts... | ||
| What was the best part about the Comedy Store? | ||
| The audiences were some of the worst ever. | ||
| Which is one of the reasons why you develop, like, like, people always say, like, you know, oh, you know, you're always dealing with hecklers, like, you know, what is that like? | ||
| Is that, is that freaking out? | ||
| Like, when you start out in the Comedy Store, dude, You have to deal with hecklers. | ||
| It's not every time, but it's like one out of five. | ||
| The only time they get rid of the guy is when violence is about to happen. | ||
| It gets to the point of violence. | ||
| People are standing up screaming at people. | ||
| You really need audience members to come to the booth to complain about a different audience member. | ||
| Yeah, you need people ready to stab people for them to do anything. | ||
| Otherwise, they wouldn't do shit. | ||
| So you develop that style, the style that you have and I have and Joey has, where you could just... | ||
| Flip around. | ||
| You don't say your act from beginning to end. | ||
| Like some people... | ||
| Especially like a lot of guys who start out in clubs like in New York, you get really short sets. | ||
| You know, you don't get to fuck around on stage for a half an hour or an hour. | ||
| You know, you don't get like those nice long sets. | ||
| And when you get those nice long sets, then you could put material where you want it and fuck around and be loose and it's got more of a flow to it. | ||
| Yeah, I was talking about this with people's showcase. | ||
| It's like you have to do some seven minute sets to get ready. | ||
| You don't have time to like, hey, what's up everybody? | ||
| You don't have time at all. | ||
| Go, go, go and get off. | ||
| Isn't it frustrating to you when you have to do a TV show and you have to do like 7 minutes? | ||
| You're like, shit. | ||
| There's not a lot of times. | ||
| A bit and a half, two bits. | ||
| And you don't know how to set it up. | ||
| It's like, yeah, this is a good bit, but it's really good after I've been talking for 10 minutes and you know my personality and you know where I'm coming from. | ||
| It's a different technique. | ||
| Yeah, it's totally different. | ||
| The people who do 7 minute sets only pretty much are better at that. | ||
| They more realize their potential than someone who's used to long sets and has to cut it down. | ||
| Yeah, you get used to what you can get away with because you can't really dig a hole. | ||
| And you really know your pacing better. | ||
| If you dig a hole in seven minutes, there's bits that I have where I know, like the baby blowjob bit, that's a possible hole. | ||
| Any time that someone can fall into that one. | ||
| You can't open and close with it. | ||
| You can't open with that fucking thing. | ||
| People will be like, what? | ||
| No, you can't talk about this yet. | ||
| I don't know how you think. | ||
| But if they know how you think, they know, oh, this guy's just being silly. | ||
| He's just fucking around. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| He realizes this is all in fun. | ||
| We're just having a good time up here. | ||
| Then people will accept... | ||
| Craziness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If they know it's all bullshit. | ||
| But if they don't know you, you can't just go on stage and you might have this killer brilliant bit, but you'll do the first opening line of it and they'll just start eating it right away and you're like, fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, wow, I have a window over here. | ||
| Now I got a hole. | ||
| I have a four minute hole I have to fill. | ||
| Just drop the bit right now. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to do something else. | ||
| Real comedy is in front of an audience. | ||
| Any comedy on television, even comedy like when I did my comedy special, I'm happy that people could get a hold of it, but it's really just an ad to get them to come see us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a bastardized version of the real thing. | |
| It's nice, it's got the material down, and you can see it without having to drive across the country to where... | ||
| Yeah, and people are like, well, what's the difference? | ||
| I can still see the jokes, I see exactly what they saw. | ||
| It's like, no, you don't, because then what you miss is the connection you try to make with an audience, and you weren't in that audience, and then you didn't feel that. | ||
| You didn't feel and hear the same things you heard. | ||
| That's a huge point right there, the connection. | ||
| People discount that. | ||
| It's not just the jokes that are written. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You can't discount it. | ||
| There's a real thing that's happening with you in the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| It's almost like a psychic connection. | ||
| You know, like there's moments where they know exactly what you're thinking and you can just pause and consider something and they'll start laughing because they know based on, you know, they're going there with you. | ||
| I try not to judge other comics by watching them on TV, but I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same thing. | |
| It's hard not to. | ||
| It still looks right. | ||
| Somebody just sent me a tape of some guy. | ||
| Check out this guy. | ||
| I think he's really funny. | ||
| And I was like, watching the clip. | ||
| And I'm like, I am... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I saw this. | ||
| Laurie Kilmartin. | ||
| Remember her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| New York. | ||
| I think January 1st or 2nd she was doing a show and somebody threw a roll at her, a bread roll. | ||
| It was just a heckler video. | ||
| And I was watching and I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But if I was there, I'd be like, oh, this is fucking great, you know? | |
| You don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| You're caught up in the moment. | ||
| It's a completely different thing. | ||
| If she knows that about the crowd, that's what she does a certain way. | ||
| People love that, when moments just happen when you're in the middle of a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stand-up comedy really is sort of like a mass hypnosis. | ||
| It's like some weird mass connection with people. | ||
| And what you're doing with like a video is you're just hoping that someone will sort of get a little bit of that connection. | ||
| You know, you'll get like a little vibration of it, a little, just like a faint memory of that connection. | ||
| You get the material and you understand good writing and all that stuff, but there's a moment that happens when you're on stage and you're killing. | ||
| You know that moment where it's just... | ||
| It's a weird feeling, man. | ||
| I don't think too many people understand that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What people talk about, like, oh, is comedy scary? | ||
| It's not scary. | ||
| People want to have a good time. | ||
| You just gotta do what you're supposed to do. | ||
| Put it into work. | ||
| Write a lot. | ||
| Perform a lot. | ||
| Do it with the right state of mind. | ||
| Do it with the right intentions. | ||
| Do it all for fun. | ||
| As long as you work, if you're intelligent, you've been doing it. | ||
| You know how to do it. | ||
| Just fucking do it, man. | ||
| The only time I heard his cult scare is that Jonathan Gatsik was on stage once. | ||
| I don't know, like 11th or whatever it was. | ||
| And he was just killing. | ||
| Right from the start, he just started fucking destroying. | ||
| And you see him in about 10 or 12 minutes going, uh-uh. | ||
| I've done that! | ||
| And then he hiccups because he realized this might be the best set of all time. | ||
| And then he's like, yeah. | ||
| And the last three minutes was probably like a B plus, A minus. | ||
| And he was like, oh! | ||
| But he was like, oh my god, I'm doing so well. | ||
| He felt responsible for the rest of the set. | ||
| And I was like, I've totally done that. | ||
| Have you ever talked yourself out of killing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I started eating it. | |
| I remember there was a set that I had when I first started doing comedy. | ||
| The first five minutes I fucking crushed. | ||
| And then I had a ten minute set and then I dropped a glass. | ||
| I just fumbled, dropped the glass, and didn't even address it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't say a fucking word. | |
| And then the next five minutes, I just ate shit. | ||
| I fucking ate shit, man. | ||
| It was like I went from everybody laughing and, wow, this guy's really funny, What a great choice! | ||
| We picked a comedy show! | ||
| This is awesome! | ||
| Because it was like in some weird place in the middle of Rhode Island. | ||
| It wasn't even a comedy club. | ||
| It was like one of these little comedy gigs that you would get where you'd drop it into a guest spot before you were actually getting paid. | ||
| It took me like a year before I ever got any paid sets. | ||
| But before that year, there was always guys that had these little bar rooms and you could go up and do 10 minutes. | ||
| Like in Boston, they developed a whole network of those. | ||
| There were shows everywhere. | ||
| They had comedy night all over the place. | ||
| When I was doing comedy, they had three comedy clubs on one block. | ||
| Warrington Street, three on one block. | ||
| And our fourth one opened upstairs. | ||
| They were all packed. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| And then you had another one that was only a block away that was a little Dick Daugherty place. | ||
| And then you had another one, Stitches, that was only a couple miles away. | ||
| And then on Route 1, you had two huge ones. | ||
| You had the Kowloons and you had Giggles. | ||
| These are like full-time clubs. | ||
| Like, Giggles wasn't. | ||
| Kowloons maybe I think was just a weekend one too, but the other ones were seven-day-a-week clubs. | ||
| How many people in Boston? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a few million, but it was crazy, man. | ||
| There were Stitches. | ||
| There was Duck Soup, which later became the Improv. | ||
| And then there was, of course, Nick's Comedy Stop. | ||
| There were so many fucking clubs. | ||
| It was the most incredible place. | ||
| It was so lucky. | ||
| Just a total streak of luck that I was in Boston in 1988 when I wanted to do comedy. | ||
| Because that was like mecca. | ||
| So much stage time. | ||
| And it was Mecca for the whole country. | ||
| For whatever reason, that one place developed all these comics. | ||
| I mean, like him or not, Dennis Leary, What's-His-Face, Stephen Wright, and then guys you've never heard of, Jay Leno, of course, Nick DiPaolo, Anthony Clark. | ||
| Anthony Clark back then was a murderer, dude. | ||
| I remember seeing him on TV doing his jokes. | ||
| Yeah, he, you know, I think he got a television show and things started happening for him and I just think... | ||
| A lot of stuff didn't fall into place, but when I was starting out back in Boston, Ari Shafir moved away from the camera. | ||
| So my grandma doesn't see it. | ||
| Oh, it's grandma. | ||
| Hey, start taking some questions. | ||
| That nosy bitch, she's still watching Ustreams? | ||
| Start taking some questions. | ||
| Yeah, you've got so many people asking you shit. | ||
| Well, man, shit happens. | ||
| You can't, Brian. | ||
| What the fuck, Brian? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
| Let me tell you something how this shit works, okay? | ||
| When you're on the radio show, you never have someone telling you to take some questions. | ||
| Yeah, they always say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's take some questions. | |
| You say, hey, let's take some calls when they want to. | ||
| When there's a break. | ||
| When there's a break in the action. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a break in the conversation, so I said, let's take some questions. | |
| What's wrong with you people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Let's take some questions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are some questions? | |
| No! | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You get reception in here. | ||
| AT&T is fucking good up here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Verizon sucks up here. | ||
| Yeah, Verizon's terrible up here, but AT&T's the bomb diggity up here. | ||
| But Verizon's better everywhere else. | ||
| And I'm gonna get something hooked up where you can have Verizon in your house through the internet. | ||
| You have like a little internet thing. | ||
| And it's like Wi-Fi through your house. | ||
| So even if where you live doesn't have good internet... | ||
| You wanna get it off that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's actually, what it does is it uses your Wi-Fi and it rebroadcasts... | ||
| Hey, this ain't radio. | ||
| I know it's not radio, but I mean a precedent has been set, sir. | ||
| We're doing it like radio. | ||
| This guy, Tobias Holft, he's saying red band hit him already. | ||
| Listen, fella, you've got a lot of pent-up anxiety. | ||
| We're friends, right? | ||
| We're friends here. | ||
| No one's hitting anybody, goddammit. | ||
| Settle the fuck down. | ||
| So many angry people that hang out in the UFC community. | ||
| Well, it's not just the UFC community. | ||
| It's in the world, man. | ||
| There's a lot of angry motherfuckers out there. | ||
| But I've noticed since the UFC here. | ||
| Yeah, the economy's in the shitter. | ||
| We're in two fucking wars that make zero sense. | ||
| There's a lot of angry fucking people out there, man. | ||
| Yeah, but there's a lot of UFC people that I've noticed have come onto your message board lately that has kind of taken over the con of the crowd. | ||
| And they're either cool, which is a lot of them are cool. | ||
| A lot of them are cool. | ||
| But there are so many dumbasses and fucking morons and fighter guys. | ||
| It's true, but the beauty of that message board is the retard room. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing. | ||
| I have this killer message board on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| It's forums.JoeRogan.net. | ||
| And these forums, we have it set up so people are just generally instructed to be cool with each other, don't be retarded, post interesting shit, talk about things. | ||
| And occasionally someone will fucking blow up or they get retarded, they get stupid, they get angry, they get aggro, they start fights. | ||
| And so then we send them to the retard room. | ||
| And we have a special room that's just for everyone in it has been deemed a retard. | ||
| I mean, you're not all retarded. | ||
| I know some of you are probably just young and some of you had a tough life and you're crazy. | ||
| I don't hate you. | ||
| I just don't want you fucking up the conversations. | ||
| And when people fuck up the conversations for more than, you know, a certain couple, two or three times, We sent him to this retard room. | ||
| It's the greatest invention ever. | ||
| I don't know whose it was. | ||
| Whose idea was it? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Crescent Wrench was the guy who came up with the idea where everybody should have to post porn. | ||
| That was his idea. | ||
| So they were cool? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then it got creepy. | ||
| It got too fucked up. | ||
| Because it wasn't about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't about saying, I'm cool, look, here's a big moment, sir, I'm cool. | |
| It became like, let me show you a better porn, asshole! | ||
| Yeah, and it became like a website where you could just get porn. | ||
| I mean, you wouldn't have to go anywhere else but my website to get porn. | ||
| It was videos, and now with those, those fucking, those you-porns and ex-movies, big, giant-ass fucking pictures. | ||
| Pornhub. | ||
| Yeah, they're huge. | ||
| They're like twice as big as YouTube. | ||
| And they look good. | ||
| You know what's funny is that also the people that were most addicted to porn and had the best porn photos were the most popular people. | ||
| So actually we were friends with the most creepy people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we were friends with people that had like seven gigabytes full of... | |
| Fairly legal. | ||
| Dudes who would go to strip clubs when the girl's performing with like magazines for her to sign. | ||
| I met Gina Lynn. | ||
| She's really pretty. | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| She's actually cool. | ||
| She's actually really cool. | ||
| She's a nice person. | ||
| She's not doing porn very much longer. | ||
| She's got one more year. | ||
| I love that they like them because of porn and then they're proud. | ||
| Yeah, and then they want them out. | ||
| You can do better than this. | ||
| I just want you to know. | ||
| Some dudes are just into it. | ||
| Bella said she's done with porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She's done acting in them. | ||
| What is she going to do now? | ||
| Just produce. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's going to become a pimp. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's tired of baseball bats off the pooper, huh? | ||
| I don't think she's tired of that. | ||
| I don't know how anybody can get tired of that. | ||
| She has the best tweets, man. | ||
| She does. | ||
| Because out of nowhere, she's like, oh, here's my asshole. | ||
| And you're like, oh, it's great! | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It really is like that too. | ||
| She sends you NSFW. Not safe for work. | ||
| I think you need a bigger warning than loads dripping out of your gaping asshole. | ||
| That's not safe for life. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're showing the whole world you're right to the butthole. | ||
| Not mysterious lips and sucking on fingers and taunting you with lingerie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wide open butthole with We got into flowers. | |
| A bitch goes deep. | ||
| She goes deep. | ||
| She takes it to another level. | ||
| She does. | ||
| She set the bar like a motherfucker. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| I've never seen anybody shove a baseball bat up their ass like that. | ||
| It's a loss to the community. | ||
| It's a huge loss. | ||
| It's like Jordan retiring the first time. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Who's the dirtiest girl in porn now? | ||
| Sasha Gray? | ||
| Now that she's gone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Is she dirty? | ||
| She's supposed to be really dirty. | ||
| She's just a good marketer. | ||
| I don't think she's way dirtier than the rest of them. | ||
| She looks pretty dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| What happened, Brian? | ||
| Brian's acting like John Candy. | ||
| You think he's balancing on this? | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're doing, man. | ||
| You're ruining everything. | ||
| There's a story behind this thing behind us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm gonna put something in front of it so I throw this ball down. - Is that a bunch of pot on the ground? | |
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, come on, business we run here. | |
| There it goes. | ||
| All right. | ||
| This sign, when Doug Stanhope and I were hosting the man show, there was a segment called Make Me Hard. | ||
| And the segment, we had, like, boxes attached to dude's dicks. | ||
| And, like, we would show them things, like a midget eating a banana. | ||
| And we would decide, oh, he's getting a hard one. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding. | ||
| It was really stupid. | ||
| But the whole reason for the bit was so that we could use this tranny. | ||
| And in the bit, we... | ||
| we had this tranny, and she was really hot. | ||
| I mean, she's fucking super hot. | ||
| Like, my friend Eddie saw her in a car once, and he goes, damn, that bitch is hot. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| And I go, dude, that's a tranny. | ||
| And he goes, no fucking way. | ||
| I go, yeah, we used her on the man show. | ||
| So I'm like, hey, what's up? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| So anyway, we got this guy with the box on. | ||
| So the idea is that we show him all this stuff that's not sexy. | ||
| Like, guys playing with their nipples, big fat guys, and their light would go off. | ||
| Midget's eating a banana, their light would go off. | ||
| And then we had this super hot chick, and she's rubbing on him, and she's touching him, and nothing. | ||
| Nothing's happened. | ||
| His light is not going off. | ||
| And she pulls her tits out, the fucking audience is going crazy, and he's sucking whipped cream off her tits, and then she pulls her cock out. | ||
| And her cock is this wrinkled, shriveled up, little poisoned dick because it's a real dick. | ||
| Like, she used to be a man, but she's been injecting herself with so many female hormones that her dick is like a dick that's been poisoned. | ||
| It was like a monkey that got shot with a poisoned dart, which you would imagine his dick would look like. | ||
| It was like dark and shriveled up, and then of course the lights going off like crazy. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they let us do all this. | |
| What they didn't let us do was call it Make Me Hard. | ||
| They wanted to call it Make Me Stiff. | ||
| And that was like a legitimate argument. | ||
| So you changed it? | ||
| So we had to change it from Make Me Hard to Make Me Stiff. | ||
| It was your choice either to say, are you going to put your foot down as a creative person and say, no, without Hard, it's not the same? | ||
| But that's how dumb it is when you're dealing with network television. | ||
| That's how dumb their arguments are. | ||
| It's like everybody wants to change something and they really believe that they have to change something to get your respect. | ||
| That you're going to have to listen to them. | ||
| And they want to come in, and none of them are creative, and all of them have an appointment. | ||
| How could that be more offensive? | ||
| How could the word hard be more offensive than the word stiff? | ||
| That doesn't even make any sense. | ||
| Stiff to me sounds even more like pokey. | ||
| Make me hard is like you're raring the girl. | ||
| Make me stiff is like you're stabbing somebody with it. | ||
| It's like they don't even want your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just got a little stiffy. | |
| That doesn't sound fun. | ||
| But that's how dumb the arguments are, man. | ||
| Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're learning the difference between connotative value and denotative value. | ||
| All right, Shaffir, educated to the masses, giving you knowledge. | ||
| Where's the laptop? | ||
| It'd be easier to read off the laptop. | ||
| Go to Twitter off the laptop. | ||
| It's fucking your feet up. | ||
| Your internet. | ||
| Yeah, that's so weak. | ||
| But that will be fixed tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We're going to do this every week. | ||
| We're going to start taking some questions now. | ||
| This Twitter feed's coming too fucking fast. | ||
| It's crazy when your Twitter feed's going faster than a chat room usually does, you know? | ||
| What are the big news stories? | ||
| Is that Lenny Bruce on the wall? | ||
| No, that's a picture of me from my first CD. This dude made it with... | ||
| With snake blood. | ||
| Some crazy dude sent it to me. | ||
| He makes paintings with snake blood. | ||
| I lost that dude's email. | ||
| If he gets to see this, the dude who makes paintings with snake blood, thank you very much for the picture. | ||
| It's pretty fucking dope. | ||
| and it's up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These questions are so hot. | |
| It's hard to read this shit, man. | ||
| What's going on in the news right now? | ||
| The Nexus phones coming out? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Terrorism, Brian. | ||
| Fucking phone free. | ||
| They don't use those kind of phones, Joe. | ||
| These people don't use those phones? | ||
| No, the terrorist people. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I don't know what you're saying God damn This is impossible to read Okay I'm way too high to be reading this moving shit. | ||
| Any updates on Artie? | ||
| What are you going to jail? | ||
| What are you going to, um, hospital for? | ||
| There's so many rumors floating around, I've heard... | ||
| There's a report, but it doesn't say why? | ||
| Yeah, I haven't heard anything official. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've heard some crazy shit, though. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Drinking bleach, stabbing himself in the stomach, fucking, uh... | ||
| God, I hope that's not real. | ||
| Fingering his asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Don't make that up. | ||
| Did you hear that? | ||
| Not the fingernail, of course. | ||
| No one heard overdosing? | ||
| What? | ||
| No one heard overdosing? | ||
| I think that's just obvious. | ||
| I think that's just obvious. | ||
| But I heard drinking bleach. | ||
| Like he tried to drink bleach and like suicide. | ||
| What if he tried to come into a hospital just to get a checkup? | ||
| And then it's probably not the case. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you hear the Howard Stern show this week? | ||
| No, I haven't heard it at all. | ||
| It's probably old news. | ||
| Everyone probably knows what's happening. | ||
| He's probably fine. | ||
| Did you hear about Tiger Woods? | ||
| I just love saying that. | ||
| I don't even have any news. | ||
| Did you hear about the new thing with the whiskey or the bottles of vodka and Red Bull and the three hot chicks came up to his room? | ||
| He shoved them up their pussy? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He ordered 20 bottles of vodka. | ||
| 20? | ||
| Yeah, and a case of Red Bull and had three really hot chicks up in his room. | ||
| That's how he celebrated New Year's. | ||
| This year? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| This year? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| This year? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's also a porn video being shot. | ||
| Wait, how do you know that? | ||
| Where did that come from? | ||
| It was in the news. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That he was celebrating That's how he celebrated New Year's. | |
| TMZ, apparently, was there. | ||
| Wait, he didn't just say, like, I thought he hadn't left his house. | ||
| I think he just said, fuck it, you know? | ||
| This year? | ||
| I could see in the past. | ||
| This year? | ||
| I think he just said, fuck it. | ||
| I'm tired of this bullshit. | ||
| I'm just gonna live. | ||
| I'm gonna live my life. | ||
| Honestly, if he just answered questions for, like, six months, it'd be over. | ||
| He'd be like, yeah, I like to fuck people. | ||
| Who's out there? | ||
| Not only that, like, he has so much money that he doesn't have to work ever again. | ||
| He can keep working though. | ||
| He can keep playing golf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He can totally play golf, but he doesn't need the endorsements anymore. | ||
| They'll still crush people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he'll get the endorsements back. | ||
| He'll get different endorsements, right? | ||
| You don't think somebody's going to sponsor who's winning these tournaments? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who will they keep showing on Sunday most of the time? | ||
| Yeah, let's put our fucking logo on his bag. | ||
| That's a lot of money in that golf, huh? | ||
| That's a businessman sport. | ||
| There's so much money in big golf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, no offense, you get Jeff Ogilvie as your main guy. | ||
| It just doesn't carry as much weight. | ||
| Do you think people go into golf thinking that you're going to make money off it, though? | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| I think it's the same as any sport, basketball, well, any major sports, basketball, baseball, football, that you go into it going, like, I love playing, I want to make all-star, I want to make all-conference, you know, I think I can go to a big Division I school. | ||
| In the back of your head, you're like, I want to play pro, I'm sure. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just that, you know, the hardest thing about becoming a professional at anything difficult, like golf or, you know, whatever, playing football or any sport, is just saying, okay, this is what I'm going to do. | ||
| Because you don't have a fucking backup plan if that's what you're going to do. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's the scratcher. | ||
| The guy who just makes ties, get on a tour, let's go to Q School, scratch off a fucking, you know, eighth place finish on a Best Buy tour for eight grand. | ||
| You know, hopefully. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just similar to these fighters, too. | ||
| I see some of them that are fighting for eight and eight. | ||
| You fight three fights a year, you're getting 30 grand. | ||
| Some of them just see the graphic. | ||
| Oh, Brian's having little conversations all of his own. | ||
| Someone said, winning is everything. | ||
| Cody missed. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Would you bang Tiger Woods' wife? | ||
| Right now, I think no, because she'd be very vulnerable. | ||
| I don't feel bad about that, but Ari would fuck the life out of her. | ||
| I didn't even consider the vulnerable part. | ||
| I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor girl. | |
| You know, she's having a hard time right now. | ||
| Do I have to rape her? | ||
| No, she wants to fuck you. | ||
| She wants to do it. | ||
| She wants to fuck you. | ||
| She needs someone to hold her. | ||
| And then as she's holding you, you grab her ass and she says nothing. | ||
| You just go for it. | ||
| But she doesn't really grab your dick. | ||
| You grab her hand and put her in your dick and she just goes with it. | ||
| Does she get into it when she's doing that? | ||
| Sort of a little bit, but she feels bad. | ||
| So the whole time she's like... | ||
| It sounds like a terrible light. | ||
| I think I'd still go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd still go for it? | |
| I think I'd still go for it. | ||
| I would be disappointed, though. | ||
| I'd be like, you know what? | ||
| Yeah, that would be very disappointing. | ||
| It wouldn't leave me with a great feeling. | ||
| Yeah, it wouldn't be. | ||
| If she got really into it, though, if she gave it, say, her B game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a B, B plus game. | ||
| I think I'd be super pleased. | ||
| It's so much more important to have a chick that's really into it. | ||
| It's so important. | ||
| A hot chick that's not into it. | ||
| But there's a point of diminishing returns. | ||
| Like a super hot chick who just lays there is way better. | ||
| That's not as good as a one step down who goes crazy, but it is better than eight steps down who gives it a little bit. | ||
| Like at a certain point, at a certain weight. | ||
| Certain smell. | ||
| It's like, okay, I'll take the chick that doesn't move. | ||
| Intuit gives you quarter credit. | ||
| Hotness gives you full credit. | ||
| Here's the thing that gets me. | ||
| Those robot things. | ||
| Those dolls. | ||
| Those real dolls. | ||
| Would you fuck one of those? | ||
| I don't think I would fuck one of those. | ||
| I fucked pillows before. | ||
| I would definitely fuck one of those. | ||
| I wouldn't invest a lot of money into it. | ||
| I would rather jerk off than fuck that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd try it out. | |
| How could that possibly be good? | ||
| Do you think that's good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, sometimes lotion feels better than not lotion. | ||
| Yeah, but it feels weird, man. | ||
| It's still in business. | ||
| There's one thing to fantasize and masturbate. | ||
| There's another thing to fuck a rubber doll. | ||
| I think it's the same thing. | ||
| That's a totally different rubber. | ||
| I think it's the same thing. | ||
| I think if it feels right, just extension that. | ||
| It's 3D versus 2D. Same shit. | ||
| It just gives you more texture. | ||
| True, but it's a thing. | ||
| It's not your imagination with auto-manipulation. | ||
| It's a thing. | ||
| You're fucking a thing. | ||
| It's all big enough. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| You're fucking a rubber thing. | ||
| Yeah, and if it feels good, and as you're closing your eyes and doing like this, if you can feel something that feels like skin, you're like, oh, even better. | ||
| Here's my point. | ||
| It seems much more humiliating. | ||
| If someone catches you fucking a rubber doll... | ||
| You feel like shit, and I think you're supposed to feel like shit. | ||
| If someone catches you, that would be worse. | ||
| Well, that's because I think you're supposed to feel like shit for doing that. | ||
| That's a fucking creepy thing you're doing. | ||
| You're fucking a rubber doll, you weirdo. | ||
| You should just jerk off. | ||
| Oh, powerful gum. | ||
| Now we're going to make chewing noises. | ||
| This is the chewing noises portion of the program. | ||
| This guy says about real dolls, Dave Broomfield says they look awesome. | ||
| Talking, taking them to dinner is awkward though. | ||
| Did you ever see that movie, Lars and the Real Doll? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I never saw it. | |
| This guy was ridiculous. | ||
| You know, if you were somebody that never got laid, like ever... | ||
| By the way, did you guys watch that Conveyor of Love? | ||
| That show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a new reality show where like four hot chicks just have a conveyor belt in front of them and they just send guys down. | ||
| The guy has like 20 seconds to impress them or they just go get out of here and he goes off on the conveyor belt. | ||
| And then at the end of like a hundred guys, then they take them on a date. | ||
| And so then like there was one... | ||
| Yeah, this one chick's like, oh, I just want that guy. | ||
| I just want to do him so bad. | ||
| It was like a guy with no shirt on and a puppy. | ||
| And then the next person would be like a stand-up comic. | ||
| Like, dude, like, do you like fire? | ||
| And he had like a fireball coming out. | ||
| What network is this on? | ||
| It was right after, uh... | ||
| That's brilliant. | ||
| The Bachelor. | ||
| Whatever is The Bachelor. | ||
| It was right after The Bachelor. | ||
| Is that ABC? ABC? I said, what do they choose? | ||
| Like, four out of ten? | ||
| Like, yes? | ||
| No? | ||
| No? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's called Conveyor of Love, I think. | ||
| And then all the people they choose, they go on dates with them later. | ||
| God! | ||
| Yeah, and then the dates were awful. | ||
| Like, this one guy's like crazy. | ||
| Oh, you guys gotta download it. | ||
| How incredible is that? | ||
| This one chick got stuck with this fat guy that had, like, really ugly hair by mistake because it's a game. | ||
| You could steal other people. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| If there's two girls that want the guy, then the guy has to decide between the two girls. | ||
| And they're just blunt. | ||
| This might be the greatest show of all time. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| It's just like, let's just see how much more we can let people demean themselves. | ||
| Do you remember that show, Temptation Island? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| That shit was hilarious. | ||
| That was good too. | ||
| How crazy was that? | ||
| They would take these fucking chicks and tell them to try to get these guys to cheat. | ||
| And film everything they did. | ||
| And they would still cheat. | ||
| And they would still cheat. | ||
| And they would fuck the girls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| There was a girl who worked for Fear Factor that was one of the girls. | ||
| So they're just prostitutes. | ||
| Yeah, basically. | ||
| I mean, it's not an American soil. | ||
| They have to be attracted to the... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not an American soil. | ||
| They're not paying them to fuck them. | ||
| They're paying them to flirt, but... | ||
| The interview process is with stealing sluts. | ||
| With whatever happens. | ||
| If something happens, you should kill them. | ||
| Did any girl feel like, as kissing, was like, okay, stop. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't remember watching it. | ||
| I think that would be highly discouraged. | ||
| I just remember Mrs. Rogan being so upset at her. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Mrs. Rogan did not like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was like, God, that's a terrible show. | |
| So mean. | ||
| Those weak motherfuckers, they got the weakest, dumbest... | ||
| And it's like they know the big film, but eventually they're like, fuck it. | ||
| Poor fools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just wrecked their lives on TV. Cheaters is so fake, by the way. | |
| Did you know that? | ||
| Yeah, Cheaters is fake. | ||
| But not always, because he got stabbed for real. | ||
| No, look at the stab video now. | ||
| That's not real? | ||
| Look at it now. | ||
| It's like watching E.T. now, and you see how fake it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no, really? | |
| If you watch the stabbing video of Cheaters now, our brains have gotten past that, and now it's so fake looking. | ||
| Is that true, ladies and gentlemen? | ||
| He's like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like this. | |
| He's like, oh, oh, oh. | ||
| And no one's helping him out. | ||
| There's four people just filming him and stuff, and he's just sitting there, oh, oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you remember he said don't stop filming? | |
| Yeah, dude, it looks like watching E.T. now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just like, that's a fake alien! | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| Google that right now. | ||
| And this is the beauty of the internet, bitches. | ||
| Can you turn it off so we watch with them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Joey Greco from Cheaters Gets Stabbed. | ||
| The stabbing. | ||
| I want you guys to look at it like, alright, is that real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Would this really happen? | ||
| Do the one above it. | ||
| Is that the one? | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| This one? | ||
| Cheaters Gets Stabbed? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Cheaters get even is what it is when you look it up on YouTube. | ||
| See how slow my internet is? | ||
| So whack. | ||
| I'm wearing a boot shirt. | ||
| Are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm wearing Triumph United. | |
| That was probably staged. | ||
| First comment on YouTube, the dude says, that was probably staged. | ||
| I don't see this shit. | ||
| We're watching it right now, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is like when we were watching Two Girls, One Cup, except the shit is live over the internet right now. | ||
| We're about to watch Joey Greco from Cheaters Get Stabbed. | ||
| I love the one comment that says, I hope Joey is going to be okay. | ||
| This happened four years ago. | ||
| The comments from three days ago. | ||
| I hope Joey's going to be on the tag. | ||
| And you know what's even creepier about that? | ||
| I think it's real. | ||
| I want to find her stuff later. | ||
| I bet it's real. | ||
| Let's go read her posts. | ||
| By the way, when you get your internet hooked up, we'll be able to show them what we're watching. | ||
| Just can't do it right now. | ||
| That will be hooked up tomorrow. | ||
| Next week's episode. | ||
| We're going to do this every week, folks. | ||
| Alright, here's the cheaters thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's watch it from the beginning. | |
| I wasn't really paying attention. | ||
| By the way, it's beautifully filmed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Oh, some guy gets thrown into the water. - I'm here. | ||
| Okay, somebody's been stabbed by the way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Don't say anything. | ||
| I can watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somebody come on! | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Hey, yeah. | ||
| Well, the camera didn't help him out. | ||
| He's just been stabbed. | ||
| Oh, that looks real. | ||
| Well, you gotta think, though, that if he did get stabbed, the guy's a failed actor, and he's gonna ham it up, even if he did get stabbed. | ||
| And if he hammed it up, he's gonna ham it up. | ||
| If you were stabbed, I wouldn't be holding a camera and stuff. | ||
| I'd be like, alright, we need to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure this is available. | |
| We can find this out online. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Joey Greco, is that what his name is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Joey. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need you to stay as conscious as possible, okay? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you, it looks pretty funny. | ||
| Okay, and there's another part... | ||
| If I had to guess... | ||
| Joe, there's another part in the video where they got the guy that stabbed him? | ||
| Ooh, right here. | ||
| Cheaters host Joey Greco stabbing was staged, says paid actor. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And this just came out in November. | ||
| It's an audition. | ||
| So this is a recent finding. | ||
| So they're recently finding out that that whole thing was staged. | ||
| Dude, I told you. | ||
| Oh, my man called it! | ||
| Dude, my brain has gotten past the part where I could just tell. | ||
| Cheaters has been on the air for nine years now documenting scorned lovers confronting their cheating partners Go to the Inside Edition website. | ||
| I'm always a little weirded out by reality-blurred websites if those are just made up or not. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Might be just InsideEdition.com. | ||
| That might not even be the store, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
InsideEdition.com. | |
| My internet's so weak. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's another part where they have the guy that stabbed him in a chokehold. | ||
| If you're in a chokehold, his hand's just like this. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Wouldn't you be trying to punch the guy in the face that has you in the chokehold or trying to undo the chokehold? | ||
| His arm's like this and the guy has him in a chokehold and his arm's just to his side. | ||
| Not doing anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not doing anything. | |
| Yeah, this ain't shit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Investigates, cheaters, is it all a hoax? | ||
| Each week, millions of viewers, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Every episode, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Bobby Goldstein, the show's owner, executive producer, is adamant that every episode is real. | ||
| Bobby Goldstein, you're so full of shit. | ||
| Bobby Goldstein, you're a fucking liar, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Goldstein. | |
| Bobby Goldstein, the show's owner and executive producer, is adamant that every episode is real. | ||
| Yes, you're showing real people. | ||
| Those are real people. | ||
| They're not holograms. | ||
| They're not cartoons. | ||
| No, no, it's real. | ||
| But they're acting, motherfucker. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| There's some re-shot scenes left and right on that show. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up, whore. | |
| I was gonna say. | ||
| What the fuck is she talking? | ||
| That's the Inside Edition, Brad. | ||
| That's probably what she's going to say. | ||
| That's a goddamn lie. | ||
| Let that load up and I'll hear what she has to say. | ||
| Are you taking my mom's internet show? | ||
| No, I did. | ||
| This is just like it. | ||
| While it's running the website, while it's running the webcam, I've got no juice. | ||
| I've got nothing. | ||
| The whole thing was fabricated. | ||
| Correct, says Wyatt. | ||
| All right, so it's not real at all, says Carrie Wyatt, who tells Inside Edition she was paid $500 to appear in an episode of Cheaters. | ||
| She said she was asked to pretend that she was having a tort affair with one guy while she was engaged to another. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Well, that's a different story, though. | ||
| But they're saying against what that guy said that every episode's real. | ||
| They're just breaking that what he's saying is fake. | ||
| Oh, you... | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Inside Edition, your website sucks. | ||
| Is this really an inside of this website? | ||
| Yes, look. | ||
| You have to hit on this little... | ||
| Put your cursor over this arrow to get your text to scroll down. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| This is a link you follow from the other guy's website. | ||
| I wonder if this is all fake. | ||
| Dude, look at it. | ||
| No, this is insideedition.com. | ||
| Inside Edition has the worst website ever. | ||
| Look, it's Flash-based. | ||
| You have to hold your cursor over that. | ||
| I fucking hate Flash. | ||
| I'm done with Flash. | ||
| This is the weakest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| Oh, you can't take it and scroll down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You can't use your scroller. | ||
| You have to use their stupid thing, and you have to figure it out. | ||
| I thought that that was the whole article. | ||
| Because it's actually cut off. | ||
| It doesn't even say more at the bottom. | ||
| Shame on you, Inside Edition. | ||
| Your whole website sucks. | ||
| So we're going to move off of it, bitch. | ||
| But I think I would have to go with that was a hoax. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And re-watch it sometime. | ||
| Watch when he's getting choked. | ||
| And just watch his arm. | ||
| If you're getting choked, your arm's not just going to be gently resting on your side. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| This fella, Johnny Bananas, has a question. | ||
| It says, What do you think about the suicide bomber that was a CIA double agent? | ||
| What the fuck is he talking about? | ||
| Dude, Kim Trails. | ||
| Jordan. | ||
| Oh, the guy who killed all the CIA people? | ||
| He was a double agent? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| He was recruited by the Jordanians. | ||
| Jordanians? | ||
| Jordanians, I think. | ||
| And he was a CIA agent as well. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| He killed a bunch of really high-level guys, right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Those are like news stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He killed... | |
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, so he was recruited by the CIA through the Jordanians, and they're like, no, the Jordanians never got him back, or I don't know what the story was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't, I'm so hot I can't even type. | |
| I'm Googling the CIA suicide bomber news ticker. | ||
| This is some crazy shit, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| In the meantime, look at this, guys. | ||
| That's marijuana, sody pop. | ||
| Root buzz. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like the feeling. | ||
| It's one of those almost like narcotic feelings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever have one of these sodas? | |
| I don't like edibles as much anymore. | ||
| Period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I don't feel like tripping. | ||
| I just want to get a little high and think about some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to invest that much day. | |
| This is crazy shit. | ||
| There was a dude who was a CIA double agent. | ||
| He was the suicide bomber. | ||
| He blew himself up. | ||
| What does that mean, double agent? | ||
| Well, he was working for the CIA, pretending to be a CIA, and also working for, I guess, Al-Qaeda, or the Taliban, or whoever the hell it is, who sent him to blow everybody up. | ||
| But he was a CIA agent. | ||
| He was in. | ||
| So that's how he killed so many of them. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| Where did it happen? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's loading up. | ||
| I think it said Jordan. | ||
| Jordan. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| CIA operatives killed by double aging. | ||
| That's pretty intense shit, man. | ||
| A suicide bomber who killed seven central intelligence agency operatives in Afghanistan last week was a Jordanian double agent who lured them into a meeting by promising information on Al-Qaeda leaders, a former U.S. intelligence official said. | ||
| So he lured them in and just blew himself up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got them to come to him, he's going to give them some information, and they're all in the room and he just went BOOM! The bomber had been arrested more than a year ago by Jordanian authorities who thought they had convinced him to work for them. | |
| So the Jordanians thought they had gotten him to work for the Jordanians. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They thought they convinced him to work for them. | ||
| But that's the Jordanian good guys. | ||
| Yeah, but how the fuck, well supposedly, how the fuck did they talk him into doing that? | ||
| He only got arrested a year ago. | ||
| So they had him for a year? | ||
| I thought he would be providing good intelligence. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| What a loaster that guy is, huh? | ||
| He gets friends with him, gets them all in a room, and then goes, and just does the whole thing. | ||
| Just fucking blows himself up. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Oh, this is Brian's new kitty. | ||
| You gotta see this, folks. | ||
| Brian's got a new kitty cat. | ||
| Let me see this fucking glare. | ||
| Can you see it? | ||
| Is it a short-haired Persian? | ||
| Is that what it is, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, exotic short-haired. | ||
| Where's the gun from? | ||
| There's too much glare for this. | ||
| Oh, you know what? | ||
| I'm stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me move this. | |
| Something goes into my girlfriend's work as a breeder. | ||
| Said she had kittens and that Jessica wanted any. | ||
| And I was thinking just kittens. | ||
| And then she showed me it. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, that's like a real cat. | ||
| And I had to get it. | ||
| I suppose to what? | ||
| It's like a tomcat type thing. | ||
| We had such a good time with Tang last week. | ||
| She was still a cat hour. | ||
| You should get him a friend or something. | ||
| Cats like having friends, man. | ||
| My cat is a friend. | ||
| You have to have friends. | ||
| It's cool when there's like life all around you too. | ||
| When you're at home and you're anywhere you go there's something going on like a creature's like trying to create something or do something. | ||
| That's what I feel living on Sunset. | ||
| This man says Joey Greco is not his real name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Well that doesn't matter. | ||
| Well that doesn't matter. | ||
| No! | ||
| He's allowed to change his name. | ||
| He's like Carl Sanzia. | ||
| He's fucking faking the funk. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| How many times have people mispronounced your name? | ||
| But that's your fucking name son. | ||
| That's a part of who you are. | ||
| You can't change your name. | ||
| You should never change your name. | ||
| Arnold Schwarzenegger is Arnold Schwarzenegger. | ||
| That's part of the flavor. | ||
| He's got this fucked up name. | ||
| That's part of the thing. | ||
| It defines who you are. | ||
| Here's the thing about cheaters. | ||
| Start watching it and just notice how there's never really good punches. | ||
| There's never good punches. | ||
| When the boyfriends fight... | ||
| Bob Dylan. | ||
| People change their names all the time. | ||
| Bob Dylan was like Joey Kuykenstein. | ||
| That's a really Joey name. | ||
| See, Bob Dylan, he's a fucking self-hating Jew. | ||
| He could have been good. | ||
| He could have been good if he had just... | ||
| If he just stuck with his name, what did you say it was? | ||
| Joey Kuykenstein. | ||
| Joey Kuykenstein. | ||
| If he stuck with Joey Kuykenstein and just still rocked the house just that hard, maybe they would have just... | ||
| They would have said, you know what? | ||
| Look, Janice Joppa became famous and she was fat and ugly as fuck. | ||
| She had a big, fat, stupid face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that her real name? | |
| She was so good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| I'm totally off the track. | ||
| I'm not even going to the heart of the argument, which is her fucking name itself. | ||
| You're like, you know who else is cool? | ||
| I'm like, she didn't wear makeup. | ||
| And I'm like, ah, Nissan's. | ||
| Talk about circuitous arguing. | ||
| That's like the chemtrail, crop trails argument. | ||
| Just tell you something else and you're like, okay, I guess that's right. | ||
| Man, I watched a documentary last night on Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. | ||
| I ordered it on DVD. It's... | ||
| Eddie Bravo is just always constantly talking about aliens. | ||
| Ancient aliens? | ||
| There comes a certain point in time where someone is so obsessed with aliens, you run the risk of... | ||
| Why don't you marry an alien? | ||
| Yeah, you run the risk of not wanting to even consider aliens anymore. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| But it's so possible. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| You know what's more possible when you watch these videos? | ||
| These ancient alien videos where they talk about these ancient structures and what technology put these together? | ||
| I think if you just look around at the evidence, there's not that much evidence that aliens have landed, but there's a lot of evidence that life on this planet has been fucking seriously jacked at least three or four times. | ||
| Like big ones that we know about, like mass extinctions. | ||
| You know, that's just mass extinctions. | ||
| Is the call coming from inside the house? | ||
| Jeff Sussman Management. | ||
| This is my management. | ||
| They don't even know that I'm fucking on a podcast. | ||
| I would think that Jeff Sussman Management would be aware of my podcasting from 3 to 5 on Ustream today. | ||
| It started at 3.30. | ||
| Chandra. | ||
| Well, that's the best way. | ||
| We're all going to become one on Twitter. | ||
| I'm on the podcast. | ||
| I'll call you later. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| That was my manager, Chandra. | ||
| You're a very nice lady. | ||
| She's on the Twitter. | ||
| She said that's how she finds out my schedule. | ||
| I don't even talk to my manager. | ||
| You're just Twitter? | ||
| Real fun? | ||
| I talk to them occasionally. | ||
| Sometimes I'm elusive. | ||
| What's up, Brian? | ||
| Stone. | ||
| A little bit, huh? | ||
| Let's take some questions from the field, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Why am I going to educate Dana and Zufa on copyright? | ||
| Well, I am a retard. | ||
| I'm not educating anybody on anything. | ||
| On copyright? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Copyright law, I think, because the UFC is threatening to sue all these people that take illegal downloads of the UFC. They're just threatening. | ||
| Yeah, they're just going through those phases. | ||
| Well, they're talking about putting people in jail. | ||
| Yeah, and the threat of that is enough to get most people to stop. | ||
| They're going to make some examples and stuff. | ||
| They're going to throw some people in jail. | ||
| That's what the L.A. guy said about pot stores, the L.A. sheriff, whatever. | ||
| They're like, you're going to shut down all 900? | ||
| He goes, won't have to. | ||
| Shut down a few. | ||
| Don't close. | ||
| Yeah, he's right, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's going to risk going to jail without just going down the block. | ||
| No one's going to risk it. | ||
| There was a dude that was in Eddie's school that was selling... | ||
| He was all licensed and legal and everything like that, but he decided it was too risky. | ||
| It is, and it's like you think, it's like, no, Obama won't, eh. | ||
| It's not, you never know. | ||
| There's a lot of people deciding how to interpret that law. | ||
| You know, the interesting thing is it's moving along. | ||
| There's, on Tuesday the 12th, there's some vote in California, it's on the message board, where they're talking about trying to vote to move towards legalizing it. | ||
| I'm not a registered voter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got to participate in a fake game. | |
| After Obama, I swear to God, I thought before Obama was in office, I was like, you know what, this is going to be very different. | ||
| We have a black guy, he's a liberal. | ||
| I'm like, at the very least, it'll be good for the consciousness of the country. | ||
| They'll have a leader, they'll have someone to look up to that's more peaceful and has their shit together more, can speak better and is black and has been through a rough childhood and everything. | ||
| But he's doing the same shit that they all do. | ||
| He's doing the same exact shit. | ||
| It's almost like they have all these ideas and they get into office. | ||
| They realize it's not as easy to make it happen. | ||
| But it's not just not easy. | ||
| You've got a majority of Congress. | ||
| He has to go along with things, like sending the troops to Afghanistan, sending this extra 30,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At some point, he realized, what choice do I have? | ||
| I can't just pull everybody out and make it a huge vacuum and just have it destroy itself. | ||
| That's true, but... | ||
| You can't just leave. | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| And then he realized, I can make this problem. | ||
| It's way past the year. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Well, not way past, but there's certainly more truth to this. | ||
| But they talk about how it would become a hotbed for terrorists if we left. | ||
| It's a hotbed now. | ||
| That whole Middle East is mad at us. | ||
| That whole Middle East is mad at us. | ||
| And it's like now, it's like once you start bullying someone and you start pushing them, once they go down, you've got to keep pushing them. | ||
| You know, that's what's going on right now. | ||
| You've got to keep them down. | ||
| No fuck you, you've got to keep them down. | ||
| Because if they rise up, and they don't get something to eat, and they take a nap, and they come back refreshed, they're going to punch you in the fucking face, you know? | ||
| You're going to walk out of a restaurant, and that guy's going to be right there. | ||
| Hey, I want to talk about what we had to talk about earlier. | ||
| I heard this thing at NPR, the people that are being released now and sent to Yemen, and they're worried about them reintegrating. | ||
| But they said, the problem is, no one will give them jobs there, because they're like, ugh, whatever, and they're becoming disillusioned. | ||
| And leaning on people like Al-Qaeda and saying, oh, well, help me. | ||
| It's like they're newly being recruited. | ||
| Like, maybe they were wrongly accused before, but it's like... | ||
| So it's like their life is such shit. | ||
| Yeah, no one gets a job. | ||
| If they could have gone in the right direction, they don't. | ||
| They just become angry. | ||
| Well, because, like, I can't get a job. | ||
| I'm fucking wasted eight years of my life. | ||
| What am I supposed to do? | ||
| You know, if someone else is offering you jobs and telling you all this stuff, it sounds right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, what a shit place to live. | |
| Could you fucking imagine? | ||
| Could you imagine how lucky you are that you weren't born in the middle of a war zone? | ||
| I bet in places like that, Simpsons only comes out like once a day instead of twice. | ||
| What must it like to be pregnant? | ||
| To be a pregnant woman living in Afghanistan? | ||
| How crazy must that be? | ||
| The feeling of vulnerability, the constant stress and shaking. | ||
| I mean, that would be just absolutely horrifying. | ||
| Morning sickness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Tuesday, January 12th, members of California... | ||
| That's what they always do, dude. | ||
| California Assembly will hold a historic vote on statewide marijuana policy. | ||
| Members of the Public Safety Committee will decide on Assembly Bill 390, the Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act, which seeks to regulate and control the production... | ||
| Distribution and personal use of marijuana for adults aged 20 or older. | ||
| The problem is all these things are just wide open, so it's really open to interpretation. | ||
| You know, no cash sales, no, it's like, what else is being, and then they really want to narrow it down now. | ||
| What's legal, what's not legal. | ||
| And if they did open it up legally, statewide, it wouldn't be much different. | ||
| It's very easy to get a recommendation. | ||
| The recommendation's not the problem. | ||
| It's just selling the pot. | ||
| That's why they're going to shut down, not doctors giving up. | ||
| Yeah, but with these guys, what they're saying is they're trying to legalize it. | ||
| This is not about medical. | ||
| This is about legalization of personal use. | ||
| This is a totally different situation. | ||
| They're talking about taxing it and trying to make money out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which needs to regulate and control the production, distribution, and personal use of marriage. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not medical. | ||
| They're not talking about medical marijuana. | ||
| Federally, medical marijuana doesn't exist, and that's what fucks you. | ||
| That's what happened to Todd McCormick when he got arrested. | ||
| He got to court, and in court, they told him that you can't even use the term medical marijuana. | ||
| How wacky is that? | ||
| You can't even say it. | ||
| They say, were you selling marijuana? | ||
| And you go, yes, I was selling marijuana under the assumption that it was legal because Proposition 250. They don't want to hear a fucking word of that. | ||
| They go, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Were you selling marijuana? | ||
| You were? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| What is this? | ||
| Brody! | ||
| What is this co-host? | ||
| Brody wants to tell a co-op. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| That means that he can be in a camera on the side, so you can look at his face. | ||
| Who is this guy? | ||
| Brody Stevens. | ||
| That's Brody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't it? | |
| No. | ||
| Oh, never mind. | ||
| Boredom? | ||
| Boredom strikes. | ||
| What are you, blind? | ||
| I am blind. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Let him co-host. | ||
| No, I don't want to let this guy co-host. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He might be crazy. | |
| I don't think my internet can handle it. | ||
| How do you just, somebody can just join, just anybody can get on that? | ||
| Well, now we know. | ||
| Now we know that you can try to co-host. | ||
| The problem is if you have somebody that's going to want to, you'll be like, oh yeah, sure, come sit in with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But then the problem is you've got a million people who are requesting it. | |
| Oh, then that'll go crazy. | ||
| You need a direct line. | ||
| I think eventually everyone's going to have their own reality show. | ||
| That's my vision of the apocalypse. | ||
| We'll all have a reality show. | ||
| We'll all have a channel. | ||
| We'll all have a channel. | ||
| I mean, basically, that's what we're doing right now. | ||
| Well, once you get the internet, you can have up to six co-hosts where anyone can have their face on the side and you can just mute them. | ||
| But if you want to ask them a question, you can join them in on the conversation. | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| But we're waiting on your internet. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| So we could have an interview like Mayhem and stuff like that. | ||
| Oh, that would be beautiful. | ||
| We could have a bunch of people in it. | ||
| We have a bunch of windows and they could all open up the different windows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they could be watching all at the same time. | ||
| We could move it like Hollywood Squares. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We'll go to Whoopi Goldberg. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whoopi. | ||
| And we could also put desktop overlaid on this cam if we wanted to so you could show things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddammit. | |
| Things are getting crazy. | ||
| Pretty cool, right? | ||
| I just think about 10 years ago you couldn't even do something like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| There was no Twitter. | ||
| The webcam shows were just blurry pictures of fucked up girls showing you their pussy and you had to be in their membership to get that, right? | ||
| Slow. | ||
| Those bitches went out of business with the internet. | ||
| They blossomed those cam girls, but then that shit just rotted on the vine. | ||
| I miss that though, because you remember when you used to have like that one cam girl, and it would be like a whole group of people that were all just like, look at this, she's going to, you know. | ||
| Well, you know who's really cool is that crazy Amber chick. | ||
| She was really cool. | ||
| It was just the 60s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a modern day, like, Well, this chick would do real porns. | |
| Really? | ||
| Her and her boyfriend would do porns and put them on the internet. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I followed this one where it was a girl that just had her camera on 24 hours a day and it was just her and her husband living in New York. | ||
| But they would have fucking straight on... | ||
| When they had sex, they would have sex right on the camera. | ||
| But other than that, it was just them living their life. | ||
| 24 hours a day. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| And now she got to stop that and now she's a successful author and she's trying to erase her past, you know, so no one knows about her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| So no one knows it's her? | ||
| Did anybody save the video of her and her husband fucking? | ||
| I don't know, but Google Cash is wonders. | ||
| I'm not going to say your name now. | ||
| Would you say Cash Wonders? | ||
| Google Cash. | ||
| Google Cash? | ||
| If you go to Google and type in internet history, there's a thing that comes up called the Wayback Machine. | ||
| You can type in your website and see what it looked like back in 1985. Isn't that incredible? | ||
| Google is fucking, we were just talking about this, me and my tech friend that wires my house, he was like, Google is like, they have so much power. | ||
| It's almost like, if Google were evil, we wouldn't even see them coming, and they document everything. | ||
| If there's an artificial intelligence out there, it's Google. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Google is a weird company, man. | ||
| I mean, they're so powerful. | ||
| It's Terminator. | ||
| They do mail. | ||
| They do searching. | ||
| They do your fucking maps. | ||
| They do what your house looks like from space. | ||
| I think Longitude is the scariest one. | ||
| The one where it just tracks where you are throughout the whole day so you can look at it and see like, oh, I was here, here, here the whole day. | ||
| And it records that information, puts it in some kind of database to see where people are going, you know. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| That you would ever sign up for that, too. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| The whole Google thing. | ||
| They seem like a nice company. | ||
| By the way, that's why GPS on the Google phone is kind of scary because if you use Google, what is Google doing with that information? | ||
| There's a way for them to use that information if you're using your G-maps, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Talk about where people are going and when they're going. | ||
| My theory is... | ||
| You're running it through Google now. | ||
| You're running your GPS through Google. | ||
| I'm okay with that. | ||
| You know what's really cute though? | ||
| What if they were evil and they decided, well, let's just have a lovable name like Google. | ||
| Colorful. | ||
| We work really hard on our image. | ||
| We work really hard on being green and eco-conscious and we really pay our employees well. | ||
| They're all swell, but they're just ruthless monsters. | ||
| What if it's the government? | ||
| What if it is the Google? | ||
| That's like Area 57 branch. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| What if they like developed? | ||
| Please do not boycott Google because of these idiots. | ||
| What if they sat down and looked at the trends that humanity is participating in, like look where things are going technologically and said, you know what? | ||
| And they got the best scientists on it and they said, this is where we think things are going. | ||
| We think things are going to an online-based email service so you can access it from multiple ports. | ||
| We think things are going to... | ||
| And they just started listing all these things and Google's out there. | ||
| What if it's people from the future making sure we're going along the right path? | ||
| What if Mr. Jeeves was trying to save us the whole time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was just like this butler trying to be our friend. | ||
| And we was like, fuck you, Mr. Jeeves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, bitch. | |
| Fuck, I'm saying it. | ||
| I am going out of business. | ||
| I don't talk to the hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to ask you something because how come it's not more goddamn... | |
| I have answers. | ||
| Yoo-hoo, anyone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yoo-hoo! | |
| How many hits does Ask Jeeves get a day? | ||
| I don't know, but remember Webcrawler? | ||
| Remember Webcrawler? | ||
| No, I don't remember. | ||
| That used to be like a pre-Google. | ||
| It was like back in the day, webcrawler.com. | ||
| I kind of remember that now. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| I remember realizing that I didn't have to get online through AOL. That was a great day, wasn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, what? | ||
| There's another thing? | ||
| I was like, oh my god, but that's like space. | ||
| That's like the wilderness. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You have mail. | ||
| I'm going to take a browser and I'm going to go on my own. | ||
| And how do I get my email now? | ||
| I have to write all that shit into a program and then get it from the... | ||
| Oh wow, that was crazy. | ||
| Remember when you first figured out you didn't have to use Internet Explorer? | ||
| I can use Firefox? | ||
| Or something else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Netscape? | |
| Just went under. | ||
| A few months ago they finally closed shop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| Once on top of the world, once huge, now irrelevant. | ||
| And so quickly. | ||
| Within a decade. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| You know, so much technology and so many things that were invented, like CDs, that just have this really short life. | ||
| Like, there's gonna come a point in time when no one gives a fuck. | ||
| Flash drives hold a fuckload more, and everything's gonna have a USB port. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like, CDs are like really hot chicks that got old. | ||
| Now they have no power. | ||
| Poor Laserdisc. | ||
| Poor Laserdisc. | ||
| I miss my Laserdisc. | ||
| Dave Foley was a big Laserdisc fan. | ||
| Even when Laserdisc was dying, he was buying up really good movies. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I got Terminator, Beauty and the Beast. | ||
| It can't be better visual quality than Blu-ray though. | ||
| It's not better than Blu-ray, but it was better than CD. It's kind of like how records were better than CD. But it's better than DVD, image-wise? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds better, too. | ||
| Blu-ray is so insane, man. | ||
| Blu-ray is so insane. | ||
| HD is so insane. | ||
| Anything in movies in HD now, it's just getting so crazy. | ||
| This fucking avatar, man. | ||
| Wait till you see this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew! | |
| Like, visually, it's like, whoa! | ||
| I didn't even see three. | ||
| A lot of people I know said that they want to go back into that world and live there. | ||
| Whatever the world is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| That's what I said. | ||
| I said I want to fuck that blue chick. | ||
| That's the future, though. | ||
| We're going to have fucking masks or wires in our brains. | ||
| We're like, pick the Avatar. | ||
| Yeah, you'll be able to go places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2009. You'll be able to go places. | |
| What do I think of Coast to Coast with Art Bell? | ||
| That's the greatest fucking radio show in the history of the universe, man. | ||
| Every now and then they get some lame psychic on talking stupid shit, but for the most part it's all people that knew Bigfoot and dudes who used to be werewolves but they got cured. | ||
| By the way, if you want to know more about what they were talking about, go to Ask Jeeves and enter Google Conspiracies and the first link will tell you all about it. | ||
| Oh, there's a conspiracy site about it? | ||
| Uh-huh, Google conspiracy. | ||
| Why would I think that... | ||
| See, this is a thing great minds think alike, whoever you are out there that thinks like us. | ||
| From November 22nd, 2002. Is it? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| We're so lame. | ||
| That was eight years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just going, man, you not believe what I figured out, bro. | |
| If you fucking keep food cold, it lasts longer. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| If you keep food cold, it lasts longer. | ||
| Growing on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course that's good for you. | |
| I said if you keep it cold it lasts longer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny too. | |
| That's so dumb. | ||
| Of course, there had to be a million people. | ||
| People think there's a conspiracy in everything. | ||
| The 9-11 people, man, those are hard fucking conversations. | ||
| Here's a conversation that's always like, but maybe, and then night just tune out. | ||
| Maybe doesn't mean anything. | ||
| Well, the problem is, if it was really, but maybe, I'll have that conversation with you. | ||
| You know, if you say, maybe the government, you know, really arranged that building to be blown up. | ||
| Yeah, maybe Bayer's arranged it. | ||
| But, you know, when someone says maybe, but the problem is, they don't say that. | ||
| They go, maybe the government doesn't give a fuck about you, and they plotted this, and they're attached to that idea. | ||
| They don't know if it happened. | ||
| There's information that makes everything... | ||
| And then bring pussies and not even saying it. | ||
| It's like, fucking, do you believe that? | ||
| Because you sound like you do. | ||
| Quit saying maybe. | ||
| Say, I think they did this. | ||
| Yeah, but, yeah, I think they just know that that's a ridiculous argument. | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| Nobody knows what the fuck happened. | ||
| But the idea that it was some gigantic fucking conspiracy that thousands and thousands of people were in on, I'm not sure that a few people didn't know that something was going to happen. | ||
| But the idea that this many people had to be together and put... | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| My phone just started playing music. | ||
| Your phone's gay as fuck, bro. | ||
| What song was it? | ||
| I'm not gonna even say. | ||
| Was it Lily Allen? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| Oh, that's what it was, an alarm. | ||
| Was it an alarm? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, what song was it? | ||
| No, I don't want to talk about it. | ||
| Just tell me the song. | ||
| I didn't download it. | ||
| This is a funny hug. | ||
| What song was it? | ||
| Lady Gaga. | ||
| Oh my god, that is embarrassing. | ||
| Did you hear Carmen? | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Kara-yoking Lady Gaga. | ||
| My girlfriend put it on there. | ||
| Why did your girl put Lady Gaga on your fucking cell? | ||
| Because my phone connects to my car, so when we get in the car, it's kind of like our jukebox, and so she throws music on my phone all the time. | ||
| My girlfriend put it on there. | ||
| It's a modern day, I ran into a wall. | ||
| You know what happened? | ||
| Dog ate my homework. | ||
| You like Lady Gaga, it's fine. | ||
| You like Lady Gaga, don't you? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I appreciate because she actually knows how to play her instruments and she doesn't lip sync. | ||
| She's a real musician behind that. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lady Gaga. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| All that hermaphrodite talk, it's just more playing it up for the media. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| Very interesting how people bite into that. | ||
| That one song, though, gives me fucking brain cancer. | ||
| That thing hurts. | ||
| Aaron Cartman saying that was so fucking funny. | ||
| That thing hurts my mind. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| He did a montage to it later, too. | ||
| I think you actually could hear the words when he says it. | ||
| There's never been a better TV show than South Park. | ||
| Consistently funny. | ||
| Consistently irreverent. | ||
| Consistently brilliant. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| They get away with shit that no one can get away with. | ||
| That whore off when that gay dude stuffed Paris Hilton up his asshole... | ||
| Mr. Helper. | ||
| That was the greatest moment in television history as far as I'm concerned. | ||
| The fact that they even got away with that. | ||
| The fact that they went there. | ||
| That's where you go if you're going to go crazy. | ||
| You want to go crazy? | ||
| That's where you go. | ||
| And then at the end, he shoves her up his ass and wins the contest. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Can we really put that on TV? But because of these blocky cartoons, they got away with it. | ||
| And because Comedy Central knows that they're monsters. | ||
| They're just unstoppable. | ||
| People want to watch them. | ||
| I don't think Comedy Central gets to tell them what to do at all. | ||
| I think there's a lot of that. | ||
| I think they're just like, shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's probably ESC Spikes. | |
| ESC does not cover cable. | ||
| It's just them saying, we figure the advertising might pull away. | ||
| But the advertisers aren't going to pull away from South Park. | ||
| They brand themselves as this thing. | ||
| So everyone who goes knows, okay, it might be something like this. | ||
| They have... | ||
| There was movie success behind them too. | ||
| And that movie success, those two big huge films, those both films were giant successes. | ||
| I don't know if they were financially, but like... | ||
| I think they were. | ||
| I think they were, right? | ||
| Team America though, that was one of my favorite movies ever. | ||
| And they said that was the hardest movie ever. | ||
| They would never do that ever again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so good, though. | |
| Because it was really hard time consuming. | ||
| But man, that was such a great movie. | ||
| Fucking genius. | ||
| And I believe that it was really time consuming. | ||
| It was so goddamn good. | ||
| I got to see the puppets in real life. | ||
| Even the silliness of it where they had this, they're releasing the giant cats. | ||
| It's just kitty cats that are the same size as them. | ||
| Just close up shots. | ||
| The whole thing. | ||
| Just black kittens. | ||
| The beginning of it with the fucking terrorists. | ||
| When he's puking. | ||
| When that sex scene was the funniest sex scene I've ever seen. | ||
| Before that was probably like the safe sex in Naked Gun when they're covered in Rubber, you know? | ||
| But it's like, there's no funny, that was hilarious. | ||
| They're just boning, hardcore, puppets. | ||
| And did you see the unedited version where they drop logs on each other? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I did not see that. | ||
| Hey, pee pee's on it too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think. | |
| What's unedited? | ||
| That wasn't in the movie? | ||
| No, they cut it from the movie, otherwise it was getting an X. Wow. | ||
| Pee and pooper, no go. | ||
| That's so hilarious. | ||
| How about when he threw up and never stopped throwing up? | ||
| Yeah, just kept barking and covered an entire block. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking genius! | |
| It was so funny. | ||
| I remember crying laughing when I see that. | ||
| I couldn't believe how funny it was. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe they pulled this off. | ||
| Well, they did that first South Park movie and I was like, here we go. | ||
| And I was like, wait, they're singing, oh my, this is a musical. | ||
| They did a musical? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They've been waiting for a South Park movie this long and they did a musical? | |
| And I loved it. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| And they did a great job of it. | ||
| I said, how do you do a musical? | ||
| That was a genius show. | ||
| Blame Canada? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Come on, how good was that? | ||
| How about all the Canadians with their heads pop off? | ||
| They all look different. | ||
| They just look completely weird and different. | ||
| Their heads look totally different than regular. | ||
| Just the fact that we accept that as a head. | ||
| That's what a Canadian, yeah. | ||
| A talking piece of poop. | ||
| This round. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This thing that's letting me connect it and bobble it up and then we accept that. | ||
| We go, okay, that's the head. | ||
| There's the head. | ||
| That shit's genius. | ||
| That show's so goddamn good. | ||
| Like, I was looking at a cartoon the other day, the one that you gave me, the Barney Rubble picture. | ||
| Barney Rubble doesn't have eyeballs. | ||
| No, that's crazy. | ||
| He's just black. | ||
| He's tripped out black pupils. | ||
| But everybody else on the show had eyeballs. | ||
| Because his pupils are black. | ||
| Barney Rubble. | ||
| No, he's all white. | ||
| He's got nothing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's a goddamn zombie. | ||
| It's like he's on acid. | ||
| Fruity Pebbles doesn't have it either. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Fruity Pebbles doesn't have it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think, well, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe in Fruity Pebbles he has it. | ||
| I didn't even know he was on Fruity Pebbles. | ||
| I thought that was Bam Bam. | ||
| It's all Pebbles, right? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Oh, it's all of them on there? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Awful expert in the Flintstones. | ||
| Fruity Pebbles. | ||
| But it's just weird that you just get comfortable with the fact that his face looked like that. | ||
| It's like this Avatar movie. | ||
| After an hour, I didn't care that that chick was blue and looked like a lizard. | ||
| I still wanted to fuck her. | ||
| You were into it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I wanted to fuck her. | ||
| And if I lived with them, I would totally think she was hot. | ||
| Did you fuck her? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if I lived with them in the woods and shit, I would totally think she was hot. | ||
| I would totally want to fuck her. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like it's subjective. | ||
| Um... | ||
| But if she made a sound other than English, I wouldn't want to fuck her. | ||
| Like if she meowed? | ||
| Yeah, I'd love it. | ||
| Remember the show V? The old show V? I never watched that show. | ||
| Which show? | ||
| The V show? | ||
| I like the old V. I would not watch the new V. Fuck the new V. This guy wants to know, this DA78 fella, he wants to know, who do you think is better in bed, Oprah or Hillary Clinton? | ||
| Hillary Clinton. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd say Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Because I don't have a pussy. | ||
| Oprah Winfrey is a fucking huge lesbo. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her and their friend. | ||
| Seems like more of one. | ||
| Who things seem like more of them? | ||
| Hillary Clinton. | ||
| More of a lesbian? | ||
| She seems like more of a lesbian. | ||
| Well, she made a human. | ||
| If you didn't know, she would think. | ||
| But she had sex and made a human. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she knows, she's at least accepted dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you have no idea about Oprah. | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Stedman guy, if there was ever a man that looked like a beard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's that gentleman. | ||
| That poor fuck. | ||
| Dude, I bet if you Google Oprah Winfrey gay. | ||
| It's like when gay guys marry old ladies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| New conspiracy theory. | ||
| Oprah Winfrey's gay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can see it happening. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That's why Ellen wanted to be on the cover with her. | ||
| Well, she's super powerful, man. | ||
| Maybe she's so powerful that the testosterone that she has from having like a billion dollars, the surge of power that she has, maybe it just made her just want to dominate some bitches. | ||
| Maybe she doesn't even, maybe Oprah only gets them to eat her pussy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're probably crying. | ||
| She doesn't have to do shit. | ||
| Oprah doesn't do shit. | ||
| Oprah's worth a billion dollars and she hangs out with these broke bitches. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Oprah, do you know how much a billion? | ||
| That's a thousand million. | ||
| That's incredible money. | ||
| That's an insane amount of money. | ||
| She's so rich. | ||
| You couldn't spend that. | ||
| You would have to go nutty if you wanted to spend that. | ||
| She's probably worth more than a billion. | ||
| She's probably worth several billion, right? | ||
| Oprah fucking Winfrey. | ||
| She just keeps coming out with new stuff. | ||
| No one's ever been more successful than Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| Like for daytime TV, it's not even close. | ||
| I love the old Oprah stuff. | ||
| I still remember that. | ||
| Old school Oprah. | ||
| What's the question? | ||
| I love this question. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Read it like how he writes it. | ||
| Or she writes it. | ||
| This guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yo, what's your ethnicity? | ||
| Were you born into a religion? | ||
| He says, yo, what's your ethnicity? | ||
| Were you born into a religion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not a bad question if you're 18 or 18. I just like how you wrote it. | |
| Was you born into a religion? | ||
| Ashley Bryo. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Ashley Braille. | ||
| Oh, so this is what Twitter does. | ||
| It doesn't actually scroll, it just bumps. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that you know when new people leave them, oh, it does scroll. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit. | |
| But it's really far. | ||
| I think it's slow. | ||
| Slow, yeah. | ||
| So what do they have to do? | ||
| They have to put hashtags on it? | ||
| And you follow the hashtags? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know why it's doing that. | ||
| That's what I was looking at earlier. | ||
| They're putting the hashtags on it. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, I think they're just writing. | ||
| Oh, it's, yeah, hashtag. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| It's hashtags. | ||
| But why is it doing that? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| But why doesn't it have the little ad thing on it? | ||
| Why doesn't it have that? | ||
| Does it mean they're in this Twitter room? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let me check my iPhone. | ||
| A young Hillary Clinton? | ||
| You think young Hillary Clinton was cool looking? | ||
| Yeah, she was good looking. | ||
| I remember her being not bad the first time we ran. | ||
| I don't think she's bad. | ||
| And by then, she had a child. | ||
| Who would you rather fuck now? | ||
| Is that the story? | ||
| Someone said, who do you think is better than bad? | ||
| I think that's the question. | ||
| Probably Hillary would suck your dick. | ||
| Hillary would give you some action, whereas Oprah would make you eat your pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hillary would have better cocaine. | |
| I'm just not into black chicks. | ||
| Could you just imagine that's what Oprah Winfrey really did? | ||
| She just had girls eat her pussy. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And it came out just like Tiger Woods is coming out that he's a freak and he's married with children but he's really banging like 16 different chicks at the same time. | ||
| What if it came out that Oprah Winfrey is this crazy bitch? | ||
| That just has all these young girls eat their pussy. | ||
| And they're all blindfolded. | ||
| So they bring her into a special room so they don't know who's pussy they're eating. | ||
| This is your rule. | ||
| This is your assignment. | ||
| You will be paid $125,000 a month. | ||
| Will you accept? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You can't give them that much. | ||
| You'd have to give them $125,000 a year. | ||
| But she will call upon you. | ||
| No, you have to get more than that if you want to be that kind of thing. | ||
| You're not there blindfold and just go into a room and they eat your pussy. | ||
| 125 a year and... | ||
| To be on call at all times? | ||
| Yep, on call. | ||
| That's $500,000. | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| You can retire. | ||
| I can't keep you my bitch. | ||
| All you have to do is work for a couple years and you can retire. | ||
| If I want to keep you my bitch, I give you enough money so that you get used to money, but you can't really hold enough away. | ||
| You're not going to escape from my class. | ||
| You can take someone who's super broke, start them off at $75,000. | ||
| Give them a 35% pay increase every year. | ||
| Start him off at 50. But you gotta get him super broke. | ||
| Start at 50. Next year, I want to leave now. | ||
| I have 50 grand. | ||
| Next year, we'll give you 75. Ooh, now I have to stay. | ||
| The year after that, I want to leave. | ||
| 150 this year. | ||
| Ooh, okay, I can't leave that. | ||
| Okay, now I want to leave. | ||
| 300 this year. | ||
| He's outjewing me right now. | ||
| Just keep upcoming, not letting him leave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like Hollywood shit. | ||
| You can never get to a certain point. | ||
| You have to be cultivating other boys. | ||
| You get them used to the money. | ||
| Obviously, reforestation. | ||
| You get them used to the money, and then, look, you want to talk some shit? | ||
| Hector over there is ready to become my number one boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And Hector doesn't mind. | ||
| Hector likes sucking dick. | ||
| He'll suck three, four, he'll suck my friend's dick. | ||
| Not to mention, if I get some guy, he looks like he's 28 now, 29. Fucking hit the road, Jack. | ||
| I'm getting old. | ||
| Hector is 19. I can feel the grizzle on your tongue. | ||
| Hector sucked dick all the way from Guatemala to get here on a banana boat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't even watched at a certain point. | ||
| Hector's so happy to have a fresh pair of Nikes. | ||
| He'll suck the life out of your balls. | ||
| Hector's here. | ||
| He's here for you. | ||
| Totally, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So, the competition of being a male whore. | ||
| You know, in Nevada, they just recently approved male whores. | ||
| They're going to have male whores. | ||
| They didn't have four? | ||
| No, apparently they didn't. | ||
| Apparently, it was only females. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Why would they not have that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That seems... | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It doesn't seem worse. | ||
| This is the way guys will. | ||
| For society. | ||
| If guys think their friend is gay, they're going to get him a male whore now. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you're not going to believe what I got you for your birthday. | ||
| I got you a fucking whore at the buddy ranch. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That'd be a nice moment because you're like, oh, I got to fake it with this girl in front of my friends. | ||
| And you're like, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys knew! | |
| It is the best! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wrote it in a book! | |
| Could you imagine? | ||
| You get him a whore at the bunny ranch, just go in that room, go in that room. | ||
| What does she look like? | ||
| Don't worry, you're gonna like it. | ||
| You're gonna like it. | ||
| You just send him in there, and then the red light comes on, it's a naked guy with a hard-on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Did you imagine? | ||
| I thought this was going to be a terrible day. | ||
| And if the guy says, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. | |
| You know that he's just a little Femi. | ||
| He's not gay. | ||
| He's just a little Femi. | ||
| Quit wearing sweaters. | ||
| My dad had a friend when I was growing up. | ||
| I would have swore this dude was gay. | ||
| But he wasn't gay. | ||
| He was just a little Femi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Femi? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, if you didn't know Duncan Trussell, There are times when Duncan Trussell... | ||
| Dude, I act Femi, but I just think that it's... | ||
| I can act serious and normal and stuff like that, but I just always let myself, like, who cares? | ||
| You know? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You're not understanding me. | ||
| That's not Femi. | ||
| That's relaxed. | ||
| This guy was like... | ||
| That kind of fit me. | ||
| Those people are always gay. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You think you just gotta get into it? | ||
| Why is it doing hashtags instead of at signs? | ||
| That's a better question. | ||
| I think that's why it works. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| Did you try to fix it? | ||
| No, I don't want to fuck anything up, but I'll try. | ||
| Does anyone know why it's doing hashtags instead of the at signs in the Twitter social stream on Ustream? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because they're socializing about this subject. | |
| Last week it did at signs, and that's what we want. | ||
| We don't want this hashtag bullshit. | ||
| Does anyone know how to change it from hashtags to at signs? | ||
| I still do the same thing. | ||
| Duncan Trussell is awesome. | ||
| Yes, Duncan Trussell is awesome. | ||
| When he goes femme, he's really just playing. | ||
| Duncan likes girls. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Is Red Band a comic? | ||
| Red Band's done comedy. | ||
| He's technically a comic. | ||
| He can go up any time he wants if he wants to fuck around. | ||
| He's very funny, actually. | ||
| Wrote some good material. | ||
| We have to get it... | ||
| I can't tell you about that. | ||
| I was going to tell them about that show thing. | ||
| I can't tell you about that. | ||
| But he's done it a bunch of times. | ||
| It's just doing these videos, even though it doesn't seem like it takes a lot of time... | ||
| It takes a lot of fucking time. | ||
| And he's going to archive all this goddamn material. | ||
| No, he's doing open mics. | ||
| Sucks ass. | ||
| That, too. | ||
| He puts me in front of him on his sold-out shows, and I'm like a noob trying to do comedy, but you get spoiled, and then you have to go to, when you go back to L.A., you go in front of three other comics, and he spent four hours a day just so you can have, you know... | ||
| Five minutes on stage. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Yeah, open mic. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| I'm too old for that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're brutal. | |
| You guys want water? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Water? | |
| I'll be right back. | ||
| We got caught in mouth, so they'll entertain you guys. | ||
| I'm going to try to change the hashtag. | ||
| Why are they all doing it? | ||
| They're all putting it in. | ||
| It is because... | ||
| Brian, what are the new videos coming up? | ||
| We're logged into Ustream via our Twitter account. | ||
| What are the new videos coming up, Brian? | ||
| What videos? | ||
| What do you got coming out in your life? | ||
| I'm not really doing much of the videos right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No. | ||
| Brian is doing a new thing where he's doing before a show on the road every time he makes a video specifically for that town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he has material from Austin. | ||
| Yeah, if you go see Joe do stand-up at most places nowadays, we have a thing called Death Squad that's like before the show. | ||
| It's just kind of a collection of videos and we film a bunch of stuff like, hey, we're coming to Austin. | ||
| It's kind of centered around that city. | ||
| Make sure you get there at least 15 minutes before the show time to watch that stuff. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Oh, the videos. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to do that at most places we go to. | ||
| They'll be shown just that week and then done. | ||
| Yeah, when I go to one-nighters like DC, Ari and I are doing DC this upcoming Sunday, Brian's not going to come to that one. | ||
| But when we do weekends, what is the next weekend? | ||
| Addison? | ||
| We'll probably do it. | ||
| Tempe? | ||
| No, Ice House will probably do the next one. | ||
| Oh yeah, Ice House, then Addison and Tempe. | ||
| It's all up on my Twitter page. | ||
| Oh, it's right in front of me. | ||
| I'm asking questions. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Ice House, Addison, and then Tempe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Addison's... | |
| I'm looking forward to that. | ||
| I fucking love Texas. | ||
| How much fun is Texas? | ||
| I love Texas. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| I'm looking at those dates. | ||
| I'm like, Tempe's going to be a lot of fun. | ||
| Always is. | ||
| Ice House is always a lot of fun. | ||
| But I'm like, fuck, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to Texas. | |
| You know? | ||
| It's like the food's a little better. | ||
| The people are a little more fun. | ||
| It's a little more rowdy. | ||
| It's like they're like healthier. | ||
| There's like something about them. | ||
| They got something that we don't have here in California. | ||
| This place is so polluted by the entertainment business. | ||
| But yet, I hate the East Coast. | ||
| Most of it. | ||
| East Coast is too angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it so angry? | ||
| Why are you so fucking mad? | ||
| You know, I grew up with a lot of guys like that. | ||
| Everyone's insulting. | ||
| They're usually the funniest guys because they have to, like, learn quickly to deal with, you know, people's bullshit. | ||
| But Boston? | ||
| Boston's so fucking aggro. | ||
| So many aggro guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody's upset. | ||
| Everybody wants a fight. | ||
| In New York, how could you imagine? | ||
| I can't imagine living around that many people. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| So many people. | ||
| This guy, T. Saps, said, because it's cold. | ||
| That is definitely part of it. | ||
| Boston is cold as fuck in the winter. | ||
| I was there in October, and when I was there in October, it was starting to be freezing. | ||
| It was like 50, but it was a different kind of 50. It wasn't like L.A. 50. L.A. 50 is nothing. | ||
| This is January? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, we wear shorts in January out here all the time. | ||
| Well, a grown man really should never wear shorts. | ||
| Oh my, you can look at my legs, bitch. | ||
| What's wrong with my legs? | ||
| I'm all sexy and hairy and shit. | ||
| When I get gray hair on my legs, that's when you stop seeing me in shorts. | ||
| Or, you'll see me in shorts with shaved legs and you'll be like, you fucking faggot. | ||
| You wouldn't die? | ||
| Just remain in your legs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you shave them. | ||
| No, I'm not going to die in your legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll shave them. | |
| I know dudes who do their facial hair. | ||
| They die in facial hair, but I don't do that. | ||
| I'm going to shave. | ||
| I shave my balls. | ||
| I don't dye my ball hair. | ||
| So I'm not going to dye my leg hair either. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You can't be dying your leg hair. | ||
| That's just fucking utter faggotry. | ||
| Lying in a bathtub with some fucking black ink trying to pretend that you're not dying. | ||
| You're dying, man. | ||
| You don't dye your fucking leg hairs. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And have you ever seen like an old dude whose hair is dyed? | ||
| They have like a reddish tint to the hair because the dye looks kind of funky. | ||
| They use a brown instead of a blonde base. | ||
| Could you imagine if you had that on your legs and your legs looked like Sasquatch legs? | ||
| Ginger. | ||
| Ginger. | ||
| Jinju Sasquatch. | ||
| Who is Red Band? | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| Red Band is the guy who, if you ever saw the Carlos Mancilla video, you've seen his work. | ||
| If you've seen the Jew Clam video, you've seen his work. | ||
| And if you haven't, you really need to check that out. | ||
| Google Jew Clam and look away. | ||
| He does all the videos for me and for my website. | ||
| It's like one of the things we do when we go on these shows and we travel to all these different towns. | ||
| One of the things we do is a lot of funny shit happens and we film it and Brian takes all that funny shit and has to watch 9 hours of bullshit to get 10 minutes of awesomeness. | ||
| And so 10 minutes of, you know, fun and with the right music and the right editing and he just makes these cool ass videos. | ||
| I just heard some director talking about, he shot this movie with Julia Moore in 21 days and the editing took 5 months. | ||
| He thought it would take, they said 10 to 12 weeks, he goes, I'll finish it in 5 to 7. It took 5 months. | ||
| Because that's so much longer. | ||
| He goes, you can make a joke funny, you can make a joke not funny. | ||
| You can do whatever you want through editing. | ||
| I can't even imagine... | ||
| Shit, I hate dealing with just the music because I make my videos around music, but then if I pick a song that will get me banned off YouTube and off all these websites, then it fucks. | ||
| So then you have to try to do it with your own music or make your own kind of shit. | ||
| And then you lose the creativity part because you're working with bullshit instead of working with Led Zeppelin. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Look at one of Martin Scorsese's best movies, Goodfellas. | ||
| Do you remember the scene where it was all falling apart for What's-His-Face? | ||
| That's all the coke we had. | ||
| That's all the money we had. | ||
| Remember when he was driving in the car? | ||
| And looking at helicopters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The music was so important to all that shit. | ||
| It's all that Rolling Stone shit, you know? | ||
| I mean, it was like, that made the vibe of it. | ||
| Well, not to mention at the end, when he's picking up his mail or whatever, or the newspaper, and they have, we did it my way, by Sid Vicious, or whatever. | ||
| But he was like, that's a reason. | ||
| He's not using the Sinatra version. | ||
| He's doing it on purpose. | ||
| He wants the fucking, that version of it, this bastardized version of the mafia that he's trying to show. | ||
| It's like, yes, it's important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Music is so important to a good movie. | ||
| All those, that's one of the great things about like Scorsese. | ||
| Tarantino. | ||
| Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola. | ||
| They know how to pick the right fucking music, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the great guys, they know how to really jazz it up right. | ||
| Ennio Morricone did all those Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. | ||
| Those were all the same guys. | ||
| Sergio Leone always used Ennio Morricone or whatever his name was. | ||
| The good, the bad, and the ugly. | ||
| I wish I knew how to DJ. I wish I knew like remix and stuff like that. | ||
| Because you watch, it seems like it's so much fun and then you make your own music and that's, you know, in a way, you know? | ||
| Right, in a way, yeah. | ||
| And I just wish I could do that. | ||
| What's weird was every now and then a guy gets through and is huge. | ||
| Like there's that guy, I think his name is Tiesto. | ||
| He's a gigantic DJ. And these people were telling me, this dude was telling me that he went to a Tiesto concert on New Year's and it was like this big thing. | ||
| I think he did it in South America and he said it was insane. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| 50,000 people. | ||
| Yeah, like more and they're all in ecstasy. | ||
| I mean, like, just fucking utter craziness. | ||
| 100,000 people on ecstasy, and this guy is jamming. | ||
| This guy gets, apparently, he's like this multi-million selling DJ guy. | ||
| I don't know where they make their money. | ||
| I guess they make their money on personal appearances and people showing up for their shows. | ||
| DJs sound so good when you're on ecstasy. | ||
| Nightclubs. | ||
| He makes it sound like, whoa, yeah, I get it, man. | ||
| If they're good, right? | ||
| Yeah, if they're good. | ||
| Man, ecstasy, I only did it once, but goddamn did it feel good. | ||
| It's just named right. | ||
| It was like, it kind of feels, yeah, you got it. | ||
| It felt so good, but it scared the shit out of me the next day. | ||
| Did you have a countdown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I never got one of those. | ||
| I might have had shitty ecstasy. | ||
| I might have to get me some good ecstasy and see what happens. | ||
| But it might be my biochemical method, too. | ||
| I think it's more that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a real gospel. | |
| Yeah, DJs produce music, but they produce music that's Like other people's music, they're piecing it together and making it their own. | ||
| But there is an art to it, for sure. | ||
| Sometimes the people that make the music don't see it as well as someone who's listening to the music. | ||
| I know that sounds crazy, but it's possible that a DJ could take a song that wasn't really that good and make it pretty fucking dope. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| Sometimes remixes are better than the original songs. | ||
| Most of the time it is. | ||
| Like, if you go to Party Ben or what's that other dude's Girl Talk, if you go download some of their music, they take some really good songs, but man, you listen to them mixed up and stuff, you're like, I actually like that better than, like... | ||
| Well, that's what everybody says about, like, Quentin Tarantino, right? | ||
| That his themes are all stories from, like, other movies, like older Japanese movies. | ||
| But he makes them fucking badass, you know? | ||
| That's an interesting little fine line there. | ||
| Kick, Paris, 7891. | ||
| We're having a fight in here. | ||
| This dude is telling someone to kick somebody off. | ||
| Oh, Paris. | ||
| Because Paris keeps on saying, Hey, suck my cock, Joe. | ||
| How much money do you suck my cock? | ||
| How much money do you have, fella? | ||
| You think that's the real Paris? | ||
| Paris Hilton? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think cities are on Twitter? | |
| How do I ban you, dude? | ||
| Delete this message from the list and ban the sender. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I want to ban the sender. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, cool. | |
| Bam! | ||
| Sorry, bitch. | ||
| Nobody's getting their cock sucked now. | ||
| What I was going to do was suck everybody's cock that was listening, but you had to go and fuck it up, son. | ||
| Dude, I didn't know Joey Diaz was here. | ||
| Oh, that's Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari's going to smoke weed. | |
| Why are you so rude? | ||
| He's going deep nowadays. | ||
| Ari's going deep. | ||
| Remember the old Ari that would smoke half a hit in a car accident on the way home? | ||
| I remember when you used to get nervous before getting too high going on stage. | ||
| You got barbecued in Vegas. | ||
| How high did you get in Vegas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was pretty high. | |
| Woo! | ||
| You kept going. | ||
| We had a joint, and usually, this is the way it works when you do comedy. | ||
| One hit, this would be fun. | ||
| This would be fun to get loose. | ||
| Two hits, you're trusting. | ||
| You're trusting the universe, and you're trusting your state of mind. | ||
| We had four hits. | ||
| We were fucking blitzkrieg'd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were fucking blitzkrieg'd. | |
| The worst is when I was so stoned. | ||
| My first week out here, you invited me to go see you at Fear Factor set. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These are like when lollipops first came out. | |
| And he's like, hey, Ohio boy, Brian, come here. | ||
| You want this lollipop? | ||
| I'm like, alright, sure. | ||
| And so I take it, and then like 10 minutes later, he's like, you feel anything yet? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| And we're like, let's take another one! | ||
| So I took a second one. | ||
| Yes, we had two of them. | ||
| And then Joe's like, well, here, hang out with all the directors and producers in this trailer. | ||
| I gotta go now. | ||
| And then it starts tripping. | ||
| And I'm like, they're like, hey, Brian, how's it going? | ||
| And they're like, outside. | ||
| He was so, so, so. | ||
| Head on my, yeah, it was horrible. | ||
| I called you El Diablo for like three months. | ||
| He did get me one. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's how much I hated Fear Factor. | ||
| I hated Fear Factor so much that I had to do it that I would get barbecued. | ||
| I would get so fucking hot. | ||
| I would take these crazy Beyond Bomb, that was the name of the company that would make them lollipops, and I'd eat one of those before I would do Fear Factor, and I'd be blitzkrieg to the point where I couldn't remember what I was talking about ten seconds ago. | ||
| And that's how I would do the show. | ||
| But it made it so much more interesting. | ||
| It's fun to watch Fear Factor now knowing that, though, because all the episodes you can tell your eyes are all glazed over and you're just like, oh my god, you're going to eat! | ||
| It must be so windy and elegenic out there. | ||
| The producers knew it and liked the fact that I did it because it made me more relaxed and funnier. | ||
| There were so many aggro douchebags on that show. | ||
| I'm sure two of the producers must have worked with so many aggro douchebags over the years. | ||
| So many. | ||
| And if you want to be a douche, you can make your lives miserable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of the people that did that show were really cool. | ||
| They were there to have fun, trying to win some money, holy shit, I'm on TV, you know. | ||
| Oh, some of the contestants you're talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Felt like stars? | ||
| Yeah, they got douchey. | ||
| Well, not only that, they got aggressive. | ||
| There was some contestants that were really aggressive. | ||
| That was annoying because they were all hyped up trying to win this fucking show. | ||
| And they would start shit with me. | ||
| They're at home in Jersey practicing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If Joe Rogan says some shit, this is what I'm going to say to him. | |
| They don't really say it, but they go for it anyway. | ||
| They're already ramped up by the time they get there. | ||
| I'm like, hey man, relax. | ||
| I'm here to help you. | ||
| Yeah, you relax! | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the weed helps with that. | ||
| The weed helps. | ||
| Nothing helps you deal with aggression better than weed. | ||
| It does help for a gift sometimes when people are like, watch it! | ||
| You're like, alright there, son. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Was that the Vegas show last May, says Adunja, A-D-U-N-J-A? No, we were talking about Saturday night, Friday night. | ||
| We do the House of Blues in Vegas all the time. | ||
| We also do the Palms, and I'm going to be doing that every couple months. | ||
| I think you should do the Palms more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll get into it a while later, but yeah, it's a regular more of a club room. | ||
| Yeah, I think so too. | ||
| And if it's similar to the other stuff, then it's like, do where it's set up that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only thing I don't like about the Palms is that the stage lighting is not the best. | ||
| The House of Blues is all really lit up well, but they might have fixed that by now. | ||
| That's not a big fix. | ||
| It's just a spotlight. | ||
| But yeah, so either way, we're going to be in Vegas a lot. | ||
| Talk about MMA, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| The Mark Gaten. | ||
| Oh, that's John Copenhaver. | ||
| I wonder if that's the real John Copenhaver. | ||
| That's the real Mark Gaten. | ||
| Is that the real Mark Gaten? | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Real John Copenhaver. | ||
| The War Machine wouldn't have a fucking little Tweety Bird next to him. | ||
| What is up with those Tweety Birds, the yellow and the green? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No picture. | |
| Is that what it is? | ||
| That's no picture. | ||
| They just joined, or they're a lot of UFC guys. | ||
| you guys. | ||
| Because War Machine's got a picture of him looking all buff on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The Palms has the naked girl pick on stage. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| When you're on stage at the Palms, right to your left, there's a naked picture. | ||
| There's a picture of a girl showing her pussy. | ||
| What, in the nude place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's got tits around and she's showing a little bit of pubic hair. | ||
| Right on stage. | ||
| Oh, because the Playboy night? | ||
| Yeah, it's like the Playboy Comedy Club. | ||
| It's very strange, man. | ||
| But I think we're going to do that. | ||
| I think we're going to do that much more. | ||
| The next one, we're doing that in February. | ||
| Is there any female comics that you know of that show their pussy all the time? | ||
| Like, hey, look at my pussy! | ||
| Like Joey shows his balls? | ||
| Yeah, like Joey shows his balls. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| God, that'd be awesome. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| Guys are like, I want to see it again. | ||
| Right, that'd be awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, ew! | |
| People are like, yeah. | ||
| There's nothing funny about a girl showing her pussy. | ||
| A dude pulls his dick out and goes, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but what if the chick's like, look, I'm fingering myself on my cell phone? | |
| Where's your dad? | ||
| Where's your dad? | ||
| What happened to you when you were young? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Sarah Silverman? | ||
| Sarah Silverman's funny. | ||
| But she wouldn't be funny if she showed her pussy. | ||
| She's funny if she talks about her pussy. | ||
| But if she showed it, she killed... | ||
| I did that K-Rock thing with her last year. | ||
| There was like a... | ||
| Some K-Rock comedy night. | ||
| She was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She crushed it. | |
| Goddamn. | ||
| She crushed it. | ||
| She's funny, man. | ||
| Patton Oswalt, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's hilarious. | ||
| That guy's a really good writer. | ||
| I always see him at Starbucks. | ||
| He's one of my favorite writers. | ||
| He's always with his kid. | ||
| He's like being dad, Mr. Dad, instead of the kid. | ||
| He always surprises me with where he goes with his writing. | ||
| I really like his writing. | ||
| You know, his stuff is like, he'll go someplace, and he'll take a premise that, like, you would think, like, maybe you would, like, think about, like, maybe I'll talk about this on stage, and then you go, eh, it's not funny enough. | ||
| But he makes it funny. | ||
| He actually makes the joke out of it. | ||
| Yeah, he beats it down and conforms it and makes it funny with his writing. | ||
| He always takes shit to a place that I'm always surprised. | ||
| Come to Seattle. | ||
| I'm going to come to Seattle, motherfucker. | ||
| Eventually. | ||
| They put the comedy on a new place. | ||
| Is it better? | ||
| They changed it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've heard it's real good again. | ||
| This is a stupid way to see this. | ||
| Because these hashtag things... | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Well, because it keeps scrolling and they can't fucking read it. | ||
| At least when you go to actual Twitter, it doesn't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| When you go to actual Twitter, you can actually sit there and look at questions. | ||
| There's probably a way to stop it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not looking at hashtags. | ||
| I'm just looking at that app thing now. | ||
| I'm going to just look at that now. | ||
| Can we do that? | ||
| It depends. | ||
| What happened with this, though? | ||
| I think what Ustream's thinking, if that's who's doing it, I think Ustream's thinking if there's a ton of people that do the hashtag, then it'll show up as a trending topic. | ||
| Here's a good question. | ||
| Salvia, have you ever done it? | ||
| Brian's done salvia. | ||
| You have videos on. | ||
| Did you have a video, Ari? | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| Did you put a video up of you doing it? | ||
| Brian did. | ||
| What was that long? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was super cool. | |
| It was just sort of tripping out. | ||
| You were on top of houses looking at people's lawns or something like that. | ||
| I was on my childhood lawn and I could feel that reality here and the other reality went like this and bent right here. | ||
| The real reality here and I was trying to not make them overlap because then I would never come back. | ||
| I thought my face became carpet and then it melted and tore off and then I went down a water slide. | ||
| And then I was like, are you talking about my face? | ||
| Are you talking about my face? | ||
| How crazy is it that that's legal? | ||
| Salvia is illegal. | ||
| Well, in some places it is. | ||
| It's actually turning illegal now. | ||
| A lot of places. | ||
| In a couple places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, Florida. | ||
| Yeah, but there's 50 states. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Florida. | |
| How many of them are going to make it illegal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Pretty fast, though. | ||
| I think they just did seven states recently or something like that. | ||
| Damn, this is the Mark Gaden, whoever you are? | ||
| Who's Mark Gaden? | ||
| I'm gonna block you. | ||
| Is he annoying? | ||
| Yeah, you talk too much. | ||
| Is that Mark Gaden? | ||
| I don't think so, it's a fake one. | ||
| No, it's real. | ||
| It's real Mark Gaden? | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just like the cheaters, it's real. | ||
| This woman, Canadianlicious, says, were they all on lollipops also, the contestants? | ||
| No, I got the contestants high on meth. | ||
| Because you want to have a good show. | ||
| You want to have a good, motivated group of people out there trying to compete. | ||
| So, it was common knowledge that the set supplied... | ||
| No, I'm making this up. | ||
| Hey, have you ever seen... | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| No one was on any drugs, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| They were on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We gave Diet Coke and you could have a water if you wanted that, too. | |
| Or you could have a regular coke if you don't give a fuck. | ||
| But no, the contestants weren't on drugs. | ||
| It was just me. | ||
| I was on a little bit of weed to try to get through the day. | ||
| Have you ever seen a pussy with gray pubic hair yet in real life? | ||
| I have not in real life. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| But one day, that's all we're going to be seeing. | ||
| One day. | ||
| You're going to be like, why did you start shaving your pussy? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| It's going to have that gray tint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's going to always look dusty. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| There's something on there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| You're going to be able to see the ingrown hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My cubes. | |
| Ah. | ||
| Other than knees and downward elbows, what other MMA rules we like to see on it? | ||
| I don't know, you know, I think that should be up to a vote, what they should allow. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rules? | |
| Yeah, knees on the ground, stuff like that. | ||
| I think in a certain... | ||
| There's a certain part about knees on the ground and kicks where the cage, you can't get away from them in certain places. | ||
| If you get trapped up against the cage, dudes are going to take damage that they wouldn't normally take. | ||
| Whereas if they did it in a ring, the thing about the ring is you can slide out of that bitch. | ||
| You can get your head under it and just avoid... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't get trapped there. | |
| You kind of can get trapped in the turnbuckle in the corner. | ||
| But not the same. | ||
| There's openings all over the place. | ||
| What about having a warning track around the cage and you can't kick somebody in the head on the ground inside that warning track? | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| That's a real good idea. | ||
| Dude, look at you. | ||
| Just thought of it. | ||
| That's a real good idea right there, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| A warning track around the cage where knees on the ground are not effective. | ||
| And so what you do is you grab a guy, you get him in a fucking hold, and you pull him into the middle so you can knee him in the head. | ||
| Knee him on the ground. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, that's actually a smart move. | ||
| That would make it really interesting. | ||
| No gravity. | ||
| It would have more strategies. | ||
| People would try to go to that warning track. | ||
| I think people would kind of be excited about that, too. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, they're near the knee. | ||
| They're near the knee area. | ||
| And people would talk shit. | ||
| Everyone gets to the middle. | ||
| It's like, oh shit, it's in the middle. | ||
| What's he going to do? | ||
| He can't go anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a knee lift. | |
| Yeah, and people would talk shit. | ||
| Well, he was real smart. | ||
| He stayed away from the knee area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was going to fuck him up in that knee area. | |
| He was scared of my strength, so he didn't want to bang with me. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He didn't want to bang with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| He said he wanted to fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This guy says in the past he broadcasts with UFC with guest announcers... | ||
| You find that limits your broadcasting or messes with chemistry. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You know, those guys were nice guys. | ||
| I did it once with Craig Hummer and once with Matt Vaskurgeon. | ||
| They're both nice guys, very professional. | ||
| But Goldberg's my, he's a good buddy. | ||
| We're friends, we're real good friends. | ||
| So I like having him around, it's fun. | ||
| And I think he's excellent at what he does. | ||
| That shit's very hard. | ||
| Did I ever see Bill Hicks live, B. Frederick 30? | ||
| Yeah, I saw him a couple of times live. | ||
| I saw him in LA when he was just starting to be known. | ||
| I saw him clear a room. | ||
| I saw him bomb. | ||
| He went up after this really hacky guy, and the guy was doing all these impressions of different cartoon characters smoking weed. | ||
| He's a nice guy, but it was just really hacky stuff. | ||
| And the audience was eating it up. | ||
| And Hicks went on afterwards with all this. | ||
| George Bush, war, John Davidson coming out of Oprah Winfrey's ass when Oprah Winfrey's on the toilet. | ||
| No, it wasn't Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| He would do it with a bunch of different people. | ||
| Anyway, he has these crazy fucking bits and social commentary and the audience is getting up in giant chunks. | ||
| They were getting up like 10, 15 people at a time. | ||
| They left. | ||
| They abandoned him. | ||
| And he was just eating it on stage. | ||
| But... | ||
| We were loving it. | ||
| It was like me and maybe like seven or eight other comics. | ||
| But he was bombing better than I'd ever seen anybody bomb. | ||
| He was bombing like a champion. | ||
| Like he didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's taking a shit, right? | ||
| He's doing this bit where... | ||
| I don't remember who the other... | ||
| He did one... | ||
| Sometimes he used to do it with Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| I don't think that was Oprah this time. | ||
| But it was like that... | ||
| That she shits out John Davidson. | ||
| I forget how the bit goes, but it was a really funny bit. | ||
| John Davidson was the host of That's Incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or maybe it was the devil fuck John Davidson. | ||
| So anyway, he's in the middle of squatting down on stage, just making these moaning noises like he's taking a shit. | ||
| And he's doing it for like a minute. | ||
| He's like... | ||
|
unidentified
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He looks up and he goes, yeah, that usually clears room. | |
| And then he goes back to it. | ||
| And he did it without any... | ||
| There was no feeling that he was self-conscious. | ||
| It was a feeling like, yeah, I'm bombing, fuck it. | ||
| It wasn't like, holy shit, I'm bombing. | ||
| It was like he was making fun of it, and it was awesome. | ||
| It was really, really interesting to watch. | ||
| It was like the best I'd ever seen anybody bomb. | ||
| But we, like I said, we laughed our asses off. | ||
| And I've seen him kill, too. | ||
| I saw him kill a couple times at The Common Connection. | ||
| With all his... | ||
| Jimmy Hendrix... | ||
| When Debbie Gibson was famous. | ||
| Jimmy Hendrix running into Debbie Gibson at the mall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was really loud. | ||
| It was funny stuff. | ||
| He was a lot like Sam Kinison. | ||
| A lot like Kinison. | ||
| You could tell that they worked together. | ||
| And dudes work together as much as we try not to. | ||
| We pick up little pieces of each other's styles. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And part of it is like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| We all say powerful, right? | ||
| Why do we all say powerful? | ||
| Because of my friend Larry. | ||
| Because Larry said powerful. | ||
| Larry was the original powerful. | ||
| So you've got to give credit to the original powerful, but everybody says powerful. | ||
| It's like it's out there too much. | ||
| Yeah, it's like it's out there. | ||
| It's nobody's now. | ||
| No one's saying they invented it. | ||
| They're all saying that. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| People all around have been saying that. | ||
| Rad. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Rad is a perfect example. | ||
| Anything like that. | ||
| There's like something that's hot. | ||
| It just becomes a part of the vernacular. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| All that shit. | ||
| Dude, it's huge. | ||
| And when that happens, but that's the original Powerful is Larry. | ||
| But anyway, my point is that Bill Hicks and Kinison, I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg? | ||
| I don't know who was influencing who. | ||
| I know Kinnison was the godfather of comedy in Houston. | ||
| He was the guy that made everybody want to do comedy. | ||
| He was the leader of the outlaws, and Hicks was clearly his underling. | ||
| But if you look at the writing, Hicks' writing was so much different. | ||
| They were so different. | ||
| When they both developed into their own thing, Hicks always had to say something. | ||
| Whereas Kinison was just fucking, we're here for fun. | ||
| We're here to party. | ||
| We're here for chaos. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You got it with Kinison anyway. | ||
| You got his take. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| He didn't have to say it. | ||
| He did it with jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I think that that's it. | ||
| Life keeps fucking you in the ass after you're dead. | ||
| It was like, wow, you can't say better how you really feel about life. | ||
| Can't say better. | ||
| That was an awesome one and the one on the starving children, those commercials. | ||
| Come on, that's one of the greatest comedy bits in the history of the universe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When he's doing that bit about those kids starving, I'm like, you want me to feed them? | ||
| Why don't you feed them? | ||
| You're right fucking there! | ||
| And then it's like, don't feed them. | ||
| Send them people like me. | ||
| Send them people that are going to go there and tell you that we wouldn't have to come here 5,000 miles with your food if you people live where the food is! | ||
| You live in a desert! | ||
| There's no Winchell's Donuts in the desert. | ||
| Come here, come here, motherfucker! | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
| That's sand! | ||
| You know what's going to be a thousand years from now? | ||
| Fuckin' sand! | ||
| We got deserts in America too! | ||
|
unidentified
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We just don't live in them, asshole! | |
| And you go, God damn. | ||
| I remember when I first saw that, I was like, that's the greatest comedy I've ever seen ever. | ||
| Just completely not caring. | ||
| Just didn't give a fuck, and there was no one like it. | ||
| Because I grew up in, when I first heard Kenison, I was living in really conservative Boston. | ||
| Really religious. | ||
| Everyone was either Catholic or Jewish. | ||
| Very conservative. | ||
| A lot of angry people, but also very conservative. | ||
| You never heard shit like that. | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| You never heard people have the balls to talk like that. | ||
| Even when your friends are around, you're all by yourselves, you don't have the balls to talk that crazy. | ||
| So to hear someone like that, you're like, whoa! | ||
| He changed comedy. | ||
| He's one of those guys who came along and changed comedy. | ||
| There was nobody like that before him. | ||
| He was a total original. | ||
| There was a young comedian special where you see Sager was on and a couple other guys, Nelson or whatever his kind of name was, and it was like, whatever, that's that type of comedy. | ||
| And you see him come on and you're like, oh, it's all going to be that from now on. | ||
| It can't be the other way anymore. | ||
| Yeah, they were fine. | ||
| They were all good, but he was just so raw. | ||
| So much energy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So much power. | ||
| And what he was saying made so much fucking sense. | ||
| It was all so real, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't like, hey, this is... | ||
| It was the same one where Bob Nelson put... | ||
| Is that his name, Bob Nelson? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he put balloons in his ear. | ||
| He goes, it's my impression of a football player. | ||
| And he runs and looks like a... | ||
| And it's like, eh, that's a funny thing you did, but it's not you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| It wasn't as good. | ||
| When Kenison did that joke about Jesus, you think Jesus is coming back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think the last words we ever heard from Jesus are, oh, oh, not my left hand! | |
| Oh, oh! | ||
| That whole screaming style, that powerful style. | ||
| I mean, that's my favorite kind of comedy. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz when he's mad, when he's fucking screaming at you, when he's getting fucking crazy. | ||
| Five dollars for gas. | ||
| Love that style. | ||
| I'll fucking kill Osama Bin Laden. | ||
| I'll kill George Bush. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll fucking kill Kobe I like Hedberg's style. | |
| I like that too, but I like them all, man. | ||
| That's a beautiful thing about comedies. | ||
| You can't tell someone how to do comedy right. | ||
| Nobody can do it correctly. | ||
| Anybody's got their own way. | ||
| Comedy is just a nutty fucking art form, man. | ||
| Everybody's got a different way of doing it, and every way it works. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, if Mitch Hedberg was trying to do his act like Kinison, that would be crazy. | ||
| But if Kinison was trying to do his act like Mitch Hedberg, like, what? | ||
| I wonder if there's any footage of old, old Mitch Hedberg right when he's starting to open mics when he's trying to do, like, normal boy comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Before he developed it, you know? | ||
| That would be really interesting to see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you guys? | |
| How you doing? | ||
| Well, you've seen the, um, Larry the Cable Guy videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dan Whitney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That guy. | ||
| Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Is the most successful stand-up comedian in the history of the world. | ||
| No one's even close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| As far as live gate sales, he sells out like football arenas, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Football arenas, like 50,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Josh Wolfe opens for him. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| They get on a giant stage in a fucking football arena, dude. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He had pictures of it on his phone. | ||
| He was showing me the pictures. | ||
| He's like, look, man, this is the audience. | ||
| And you look at it, you go, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like a world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're doing it for like, you're doing like a country. | |
| How do you connect with all those fucking people? | ||
| You just tell your jokes. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Do you think you could connect with all those people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, you'd have to be a powerful, charismatic motherfucker. | |
| They would have to really like you, too, to connect with all those people. | ||
| I can't even see your facial expressions so far back. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| The only thing is that they would have to have some big-ass screens. | ||
| Yes, I'm sure they'll have that. | ||
| But football arenas are primarily outdoor things, right? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| They're never covered, right? | ||
| They're covered sometimes? | ||
| They're heated sometimes? | ||
| Sometimes they're heated? | ||
| If they're indoors, yeah, they're heated. | ||
| They're like Minneapolis, the Metrodome. | ||
| Oh, they have to be. | ||
| It's like 30 below zero. | ||
| No, they can have outside. | ||
| Green Bay, they have outside. | ||
| Do they have outside on 30 below zero? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People go to the games? | ||
| They never cancel football games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn, that's crazy. | |
| Football games are motherfuckers, man. | ||
| When you see those dudes playing in snow... | ||
| There's always that one fan, no shirt on, painted up. | ||
| Nuts, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something cool about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's something... | ||
| If you want to talk about a sport that really does represent America, that represents America. | ||
| That's a crazy-ass fucking sport. | ||
| They will play even if it's pouring rain. | ||
| No rain out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Monsoons. | |
| Conditions aren't good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tough shit. | ||
| Sunday, brother. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In some countries, they have to deal with inclement weather so much. | ||
| Some places have to deal with something. | ||
| We don't have nothing in California. | ||
| Baseball, it's like, it's raining. | ||
| It's 73 degrees. | ||
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| They won't even play in the rain. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, it'll be harder. | ||
| They're not even hitting each other with anything. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Those guys are snowed in and they're running into each other full clip in the fucking freezing cold. | ||
| You remember when you were a little kid you would fall when it was cold out and it would hurt so much more? | ||
| Well, catching a football in the cold when somebody whips it in, you'd go, ow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| It hurts so bad. | ||
| I mean, how cold, how much does it hurt when you get clipped by a fucking gigantic 300 pound mind move? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God, that must be so painful. | ||
| Do you think we've reached the end of this program? | ||
| Let's go eat something. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| I think this is about the end. | ||
| We've determined that at two hours in, we usually start getting boring. | ||
| I'm hungry as shit. | ||
| And Ari, Ari Shafir got them munchies. | ||
| I'm a holla bank. | ||
| We didn't take that many questions, but hopefully we were entertaining to you, bitches. | ||
| But sometimes the questions helped us go on with that. | ||
| Yes, yes, definitely. | ||
| Well, if it wasn't for you guys, we couldn't have done this, obviously. | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| We just talked. | ||
| That's probably why they're doing ONA. They'll take a call, they'll deal with it for a while, and they'll go off until they're ready for another caller. | ||
| They'll just keep going. | ||
| Well, we've been looking for something like this for a long time. | ||
| We've been looking for something like this to do some sort of a radio show, and I've talked about it. | ||
| Like, hey, maybe we could all do Death Squad radio or something like that. | ||
| But really, what I realized... | ||
| The best way to do it is to do it like this. | ||
| Do it on the internet. | ||
| And we'll have this thing evolve, turn this room into a real setup where you can sit down and watch us. | ||
| We're going to have laptops set up so that we can play videos. | ||
| You know, like, hey, there's a, you know, some crazy new fucking animal attack video. | ||
| Can we figure out a way so that when we do play a video, just plug it in and then the screen goes to that video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Next week we're going to have it completely different. | ||
| Next week is when we're going to have all that stuff. | ||
| Like video on video. | ||
| We could have like three people talking at once. | ||
| We're just, he's going to have his internet done. | ||
| It's done right now. | ||
| We just have to change the router. | ||
| Next week's show, we'll have a bunch of fun shit. | ||
| Yeah, what we're going to do is we're going to keep doing this every week, and we're going to, like, it's going to expand, and eventually, I think eventually the internet is going to make its way into your car. | ||
| That's what I think is going to happen. | ||
| I think the internet would podcast and stuff like that. | ||
| Like, we aren't making MP3s of this. | ||
| We should have. | ||
| Maybe we can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, we can. | |
| We can still make it, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, we'll start making MP3s and putting it up as podcasts, because there was nothing about this when you needed to see us. | ||
| So we're going to do shit like this, and then we're just going to do a lot more internet stuff. | ||
| Really... | ||
| What's really good about any sort of a television show is the money, A, and the fact that people now come out to see your stand-up, which is what we're always trying to work on. | ||
| You know, I mean, if you've never seen Ari, Ari's fucking hilarious. | ||
| There's a lot of dudes that are out there that are headlining these big clubs that, in my opinion, they're not as developed as Ari is. | ||
| They're not as funny as Ari is, but Ari doesn't have that many credits. | ||
| So it's hard for... | ||
| Just clubs to book him and then they assume that people are going to come out and see him. | ||
| People come out and see somebody because they know that guy from a movie or from a television show or whatever. | ||
| But Ari's a filthy pig, and he goes on stage in these auditions, and they say, whatever you do, don't talk about rape. | ||
| So what does Ari do? | ||
| How can I not talk about rape? | ||
| He does this seven-minute rape bit, which is a hilarious bit. | ||
| But the reason why some dudes are funny is also the reason why people don't find out that some dudes are funny. | ||
| We have a guy that we know that's probably one of the funniest guys ever, this guy Brian Holtzman. | ||
| And no one knows who Brian Holtzman is because he's so crazy. | ||
| He should have hit big. | ||
| He was the guy that, like, he was so crazy. | ||
| We would always go into the back of the room and watch him when he went on stage. | ||
| Such a real hatred. | ||
| Yeah, and get so angry and nutty, and every now and then he'd break character. | ||
| And a nice guy to be around, too, when he was hanging around at the club. | ||
| He was always friendly. | ||
| You know what I would love to see? | ||
| A reality show with Brody Stevens and him, and they lived together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Brody was too sensitive. | ||
| He'd get mad. | ||
| But wouldn't that be great? | ||
| No. | ||
| Brody Stevens and Brent Ernst. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I think that Holtzman and Brody Stevens together would be hilarious. | ||
| Do you think that following comedians would be worthwhile for like a show? | ||
| Like if you look at like the Kardashians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd have to edit it. | |
| But if it was actually real real, I think it would be interesting to get them to have fucked up some more. | ||
| What's the appeal of keeping up with the Kardashians? | ||
| It's just that she's got a fat ass. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That was the entire appeal. | ||
| Are they dumb? | ||
| Yeah, they're dumb. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| But a lot of people are dumb too. | ||
| They don't mind. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| You know, they have some money. | ||
| Not like Paris Hilton money. | ||
| But a lot of people have good asses. | ||
| Yeah, but you just gotta put one on TV. People become famous just because of their ass. | ||
| Evita Guerra chick? | ||
| I know who she is. | ||
| She probably doesn't even know who I am. | ||
| I know who she is. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because of her ass. | ||
| I don't even know what her voice sounds like. | ||
| I know her face looks like Joey Diaz. | ||
| But she's only doing ass stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She sits on that shit. | |
| You know her for what she's doing. | ||
| But they'll take... | ||
| Someone like, what's her name? | ||
| Okay, you're a TV star now. | ||
| Jennifer Lopez. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Famous because of her ass. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Famous because of her talent, but recognized because of her ass. | ||
| That's like one celebrity where everybody talks. | ||
| If you talk about Jennifer Lopez, you talk about her ass. | ||
| There's a lot of celebrities that have great asses. | ||
| And her feet. | ||
| Our feet are hot? | ||
| You're a fucking weirdo. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| What's up with people liking feet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so gross. | |
| That's a very strange thing. | ||
| Yeah, a very strange thing. | ||
| But anyway, we're always trying to do something fun where we could all do it together and just hang out and shoot the shit because we have these conversations sometimes and we say, man, you know, this is way more fun than like... | ||
| Like a radio show. | ||
| Why don't we do our own thing like this? | ||
| Just figuring out how to get it made is always the bitch. | ||
| That's always the hard part, but this is easy. | ||
| Now that there's something like this, we don't have to figure out shit. | ||
| So we'll do this. | ||
| I think it's a good creative outlet. | ||
| We have to go over what we said today, but there was some funny shit that could have been bits. | ||
| I like the idea of a 360 camera. | ||
| 360 of the whole room? | ||
| Multiple cameras. | ||
| We're going to have multiple cameras. | ||
| Next week we may have it set up so you can choose which camera you want. | ||
| So if it's multiple cameras, can we have it so they can set up to choose which camera it is but everyone comes off one sound feed? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| Alright, well that's what we're going to do, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'm getting a four square box. | ||
| And we're just going to do more of this shit. | ||
| Let you guys know what the fuck is going down. | ||
| This Sunday night, Ari and I are at the 930 Club in Washington, D.C. And it's Ari's old stomping grounds. | ||
| So, if there's any of you hookers out there with an itchy mouth... | ||
| It has nothing to do with my old stopping routes. | ||
| I'm still willing. | ||
| Who's going to get it scratched? | ||
| It has nothing to do with my old stopping routes. | ||
| Ari's been saying he really would like a blowjob. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A return show in D.C. It's a way we can honor our new president, Barack Obama. | |
| And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in to our little YouTube, or excuse me, Ustream, Ustream show, and we'll see you next week. | ||
| Eventually, we'll have a regular time that we try to adhere to every week, and it might move around a little bit, but for the most part, it'll be like around now, like Wednesday afternoon. | ||
| Possibly Tuesday if we have something out. |
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