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July 20, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
53:43
20180720_0719_TJDS_Podcast
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy, it's Double V. Oh, hi, conservative actor, Vince Vaughan.
How are you doing?
I'm doing fantastic.
I'm having a mock-day myself.
Thanks for asking.
How about you?
What's it like to be played like a little bitch?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, no.
Well, let me illuminate you.
You and the rest of the libs currently being dominated by our alpha male president, Mr. Donald J. Trump.
Yeah, I don't think.
Dominated.
Okay, you gotta be kidding.
Baby, are you Dred Scott?
Because you are constantly owned no matter where you go or what you do.
Vince, what in God's name are you talking about?
I'm talking about my man Trump playing 5D chess over here, dominating the Russians and owning the libs at the same time.
How have you possibly reached this conclusion?
Oh, believe me, Jimmy, I would love to explain.
Or wouldn't I?
Okay.
See?
Dominate the words.
Dominate the libs.
Would?
Wouldn't?
Who knows?
Who knows what he meant?
Maybe we're not supposed to know.
Maybe it's not even any of our business, quite frankly.
Did you ever think of that?
No, Vince, I had not.
I'm pretty sure the public statements of the president of the United States are collective business.
Wow, okay.
Well, so much for a right to privacy, eh?
Look out, Roe versus Wade.
Jimmy Dorr wants to knock you out.
You people who manage to put a positive spin on whatever Trump does, you really amaze me.
Oh, well, excuse me for not wanting to go to war with Russia.
When did the Libs get so war hungry?
Are you baby birds going to go over there and fight yourselves?
Are you?
Hey, well, first of all, Vince, I'm not a lib.
And second of all, I don't want war with Russia either.
But thinking that our president is a fumbling Cretan with respect to foreign policy doesn't mean that, one, you want war with Russia, or two, you don't think that Russia is a giant distraction to begin with.
Oh, sounds like the words of someone who just got on.
I hope you have a clean title and a VIN number because Donald Trump just became your new owner.
You know, this obsession with owning the libs, it's just like the libs obsession with hating Trump.
You know what makes all you Trumpsters just sound like 14-year-old idiots, right?
I mean, you do know that.
If you're saying that we have a youthful exuberance about us, a certain chois de v, then yes, I would agree with you.
No, no, Vince.
I'm saying you're so consumed with irrational hatred.
You have no problem watching the world get destroyed as long as it upsets people you have a deep resentment towards Vince.
You're right, Jimmy Dore.
I can't argue with that.
I have a deep rage inside of me, and it's ugly.
You're right.
And I need to confront it.
Understand it.
See where it comes from.
Why infest us like this?
I'm so unhappy, Jimmy Dore.
Well, I'm glad you recognize this.
You know, maybe someday you can get some perspective, get someone to help you, and you can rejoin the human...
Psych!
Ha ha ha ha!
No, brother.
No, I mean, you are right about me and the MAGA crew, no doubt.
We do infest hatred inside of us that will ultimately destroy our lives and souls.
But so what?
I'll happily live my sad days out until I exit this mortal coil alone and unloved, as long as Donald Trump is owning some fucking lips.
You are a sick man.
Enjoy your family and friends and moral centers, Snowflake.
Say hi to all the other well-adjusted crybabies.
I'm going to go get drunk and whittle.
Bitch.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you about you.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the South Side of Chicago, Jimmy Dore!
Woo!
Wow, if we can get 600 progressives in Thalia Hall on a Sunday night, we could have single-payer.
That's what I said.
We could get 600 progressives in Thalia Hall on a Sunday night.
We could have free college.
Mama Michael!
Maybe we can end the war!
Haha!
Okay, I'll do 2024.
It'll be me against Corey Booker.
Let me bring out my panel.
Come to the stage right now.
You know him, you love him.
It's the political vigilante.
It's Graham Elwyn.
Ladies and gentlemen, come on up, Graham.
What's up, you communists?
Oh, I forgot to do a joke.
Okay, anyway.
It's a joke about cops.
I know how you guys love cops in Chicago, son of that.
Whatever.
Come to the stage right now.
You know where you love her.
It's the miserable liberal.
up How are you, Steph?
I'm okay.
Okay.
I'm constantly worried I'm going to trip on stage.
It hasn't happened yet.
That's why I'm sober.
Yeah, I know, right?
Which reminds me, Arnold, can I get a drink?
Thank you.
Thank you.
I need a drink.
You know, there's.
You know, if you're in the, you know, you know, I don't like cops.
And if you're a cop in your hair, I don't mean you.
I mean every other fucking cop in the world except you.
Huh?
Except you.
Except you.
All I heard was Chicago.
I'm with you.
Hey, by the way, John John Cusack still lives in Chicago, I heard.
So I don't know if you follow me on Twitter, but he's been coming At me on Twitter the last couple of days.
I think.
Yeah, he's having a Roseanne moment or something's happening.
It's almost like that guy will say anything.
Am I right?
Hey, come on, motherfuckers.
I love John Cusack.
He's one of my faves.
I have gross point blank.
I can't even say it.
Have anybody seen Gross Point Blank?
That's a great.
Yeah.
Awesome movie.
That movie's so good, it made Dan Aykroyd likable.
He's from my high school.
We went to Evanson Township High School, John Cusack.
Yeah.
So did Jeremy Pippin.
Okay, well, Jeremy Pippin is not my favourite, but I do like John Cusack.
It is, and he's tweeting at me today.
He's like calling me names.
I'm giving cover to Putin and shit like that.
He's saying.
So I just tweeted out.
I was like, hey, one of my faves is following me and tweeting at me.
He's a little misguided because he thinks you can't be against Putin without repeating propaganda, but it's still a big day for me.
That's what I said.
And it is.
It is.
That John Cusack knows I'm alive.
Makes me, I'm a little hard.
Anyway.
I will challenge him to a fight just so I can meet him.
Are you going to stand outside us?
Are you going to stand outside his window and hold up a boombox, Jimmy?
We can come together and fight Putin.
Wait, Jimmy, can you just do Debbie Wasserman Schultz?
Fucking Debbie Wassoman Schultz.
Bernie won't come on the show.
He's being a cock.
I'm doing a whole big expose of Bernie's coming up.
And, you know, I support Bernie and his policies.
I don't support his propping up the Democratic Party.
He should start a third fucking party.
We all know.
Who do you think should be in that party?
Who would lead that party?
Bernie would lead that party.
Tulsi Gabbard, Nina Turner Dennis Kucinich and me laughter laughter applause applause Me and Johnny Caparilla.
So there's a lot of shit happening over the Supreme Court.
People are losing their shit.
Again, again, Donald Trump steals people's critical thinking skills.
Kamala Harris tweeted this about it.
She said the fight over the Supreme Court vacancy is going to require each and every one of us talking with our friends, families, and neighbors about the importance of the court and the lasting impact its decisions can have on our fundamental rights.
I'm ready to fight.
Are you?
Really?
She's ready to fight.
I guess she's going to, I guess that's why she didn't prosecute Steve Mnuchin because she was so ready to fight.
And then Peter Douche, I love Peter Douche.
He tweeted out, what are the odds the Democratic leadership will be effective enough to stop Trump's Supreme Court pick?
and it says zero or 0.0.
LAUGHTER This is what the Democrats do.
They'll talk all this big resistance game on Twitter and all that shit, and they won't do fucking anything.
I remember Dianne Feinstein, right, during the confirmation of Mike Pompeo, her Twitter feed, all caps, resist.
We don't support torture.
We don't know Mr. Trump.
No, she fucking voted for Mike Pompeo, who's a goddamn torturer.
Shut the fuck up, Kamala Harris.
You let Steve Mnuchin take my fucking house in California.
go fuck your neoliberal They wait till the fucking Republicans get in power and then they resist and they said there's nothing we could do.
They had control of everything and that's when they do goddamn nothing.
Graham, I agree with you.
Please don't try to get bigger responses from the crowd than I get.
I would appreciate that.
My family's here and it's embarrassing.
I have word that John Kusak is in the crowd somewhere.
Jenny!
Johnny the Ku.
Johnny Q. Chucky Leshume, he says this.
Chuck Schumer warns Senate Democrats, fight Brett Kavanaugh or pay the price from the base.
Double seeking.
And guess what they say to him?
Red State Democrats tell Schumer to kiss my fucking ass on the Supreme Court vote.
Democrats, resistance.
And so he's not going to whip the votes.
So what that means is he's not going to make Joe Manchin vote in solidarity against it.
He's not going to make Kilston Jerub or all the people, Heidi Heitkamp or Claire McCaskill.
He's not going to whip their votes, meaning you have to vote the way I say on this.
He's not going to do that.
Why?
Because Chucky Leschum is a fucking tool and he's a liar and he's an enemy of you.
That's right.
He's also received the most money of any politician in either party from Goldman Sachs.
That's right, Boo.
Wait, Goldman Sachs is out there helping people, you guys.
You guys really want a third party, right?
Yeah, what the fuck, right?
It's time, right?
You guys want Bernie to start it, right?
I don't.
That's why I want him on the goddamn show.
And so I talked to his press secretary.
His name is Josh, and he's a really fucking big dick.
And because going on now eight months, he's been saying, yeah, yeah.
So every time I talk to him, he says, yeah, yeah, we're going to get him on.
I just have to look at his schedule.
And so the last time he was in town in Los Angeles, he did Bill Maher's show.
And god damn it, did that piss me off?
Because he'll go on anyone's show.
Bernie will go on anyone's show.
If you voted for Hillary, he'll fucking go on your show, right?
But I didn't.
and he won't come out of any more good show.
And, oh, this...
All right, I don't want to get...
But here, here, you want to know who to get mad at about Supreme Court?
Democrats regret not fighting harder for Obama's Supreme Court failure.
Really?
You think?
You mean fighting harder?
You mean like fighting at all?
Because you didn't fucking do anything.
Maybe, maybe you should have nominated a more uninspiring fucking choice, more of a centrist, middle-of-the-road dick that nobody wanted to fight for.
But it'd be if you would have nominated maybe Cornell West or somebody like that, maybe people would have.
Why is it the right wing gets to have Cretans like Antonynscalia?
And what we get is nothing.
We get fucking nothing.
We get Merrick Garlands.
We get centrists.
I want Medea Benjamin on the fucking Supreme Court.
I want Cornell West on the Supreme Court.
I want to be in the Supreme Court.
I would fuck that place up.
I'd be asking a lot of questions and shit.
I'm going to take Judge Thomas's time.
He's giving it to me.
So here is the Huffington Post article.
It says, we should have shut down the Senate, said Senator Brian Schultz, a Democrat, said Tuesday.
We made a calculation that we were going to win in 2016 and confirm a nominee.
It didn't work out.
No shit, huh?
So Dadono, when I read that, doesn't it make you fucking more even angrier at the Democrats?
Doesn't it make you even angry at those assholes who try to shame progressives for not supporting fucking bullshit?
Hey, why don't you support the people who don't fight for the shit they're supposed to fucking fight for?
Why don't you vote for them harder?
Here's another one.
Hindsight is 2020, said Senator Marin Martin Heinrich, a Democrat from New Mexico.
I think I would have liked us to take an even harder line.
You didn't take, you didn't even take a line.
You took a squiggly parenthesis.
They do fucking nothing.
They did nothing.
They did nothing.
They got back.
Nothing.
And then they act like, boy, we should have done part of nothing.
We should have did nothing harder.
Yeah.
Instead of 100% of nothing, we should have probably done about 9% of nothing.
That would have really helped and turned the fucking tables.
The issue was, frankly, with Garland himself.
He was too moderate and too boring for some, and he didn't excite progressives.
There were options to pick someone that the base would have been mobilized to support because of who they were and what they represented for the court, said Heidi, a co-director of the progressive group Credo Action.
Garland felt like a pick to play chess with Republicans, and it didn't work because they don't play respectability and civility.
Obviously, this man is qualified, so we're not going to block him.
That was never going to happen.
But the Democrats were hoping.
Chris Kane, who worked in Obama's White House for six years and played a central role in getting his judicial nominee confirmed, said there's no question Democrats could have done more to push Garland's nomination through, even if they had limited options in the minority.
Yeah?
Then why doesn't anybody ever fucking say that in public?
And why is it I have to search for out the Huffington Post to find these guys?
No one ever hears this shit ever.
Ever.
Why doesn't Andy Richter fucking, hey, Andy, if you're really sorry, why don't you tweet at the fucking Democratic Party?
Why don't you get pissed off at them?
If you're really sorry, why don't you fucking hold the people responsible, fucking responsible?
That's what I asked.
But, you know, let's remember.
And it does beg the question, how is it that these Russian operatives knew to focus on purple states like Michigan and Wisconsin, and your campaign didn't?
Okay.
That's my favorite clip.
I don't know if I have time for this, but alcoholism runs in my family, but luckily it skips a generation.
my dad didn't drink at all so what does that say There you go, ready?
So here's what this guy's going to tell you what's wrong with the, this is Jamal Hill.
He's going to tell you what's wrong with Chicago.
Because people, whenever they talk about crime, they always talk about police.
But he's saying they should talk about something else.
He's got his sleeves rolled up.
Look, he's fucking working.
I have to walk around and hold a microphone.
I have to roll these up.
$30,000 a day.
Hey, did you know nerds are also lying motherfuckers with no spine and they sell out like pieces of shit.
Did you know that?
Nerds also do that.
I didn't know.
I thought nerds were good people.
Turns out a lot of them are pieces of shit.
Isn't that weird?
I thought you were a nerd.
I thought you were gay.
You're nice.
No, it turns out you could be Rachel Maddow.
A complete fucking sellout who's hurting our country on purpose for $30,000 a day.
Yeah.
Ed Schultz got fired.
Rachel Maddow didn't.
You fucking be the judge, okay?
I can't seem to find any footage of Rachel Maddow crying at all of the kids we've killed with our drone strikes in the Middle East.
I can't seem to find it.
Where's that?
I can't find it online.
I can't seem to find it anywhere.
Oh, that's right.
There's no footage of any of the people we kill in the Middle East.
None.
Weird.
See, that's the difference between El Jazeera and CNN.
CNN shows the bombs taking off.
El Jazeera shows you when they land.
That's what I like about El Jazeera.
So here's what this guy says about Chicago.
Nobody has really said it, but his name is Ram Emmanuel.
And this mayor that we have in the city of Chicago does not care about black people.
And I'm gonna...
You can invest...
And $16.4 million into Uptown to build upscale apartments.
When you can build these new bus stops, we got napped downtown or walking our neighborhoods and not a million that's coming.
When we walking past boarded up schools, boarded up houses, they knocking down with red access with no plan to redevelop.
Mental health facilities shut down.
The unemployment rate is the highest in Chicago than it is around the country.
Who don't want to talk about violence?
got to talk about the economics, not police.
And that And I love that.
But he says, when you talk about violence, you got to talk about economics, not the fucking police.
That guy's running for mayor.
That's Jamal Hill, right?
That's not what his name is, right?
Yeah, he's running for mayor.
Guess what?
I saw this headline in the Chicago Sun.
You know, the beauty of Chicago is you have two newspapers and they're both right wing.
Isn't that fantastic?
Chicago Sun-Times poll for Challenger Lightfoot shows Rahm's 2019 reelection bid in big fucking trouble.
And here's what it said.
It showed that just 31% said they would vote to re-elect Emmanuel.
Just 31%.
And when respondents were asked to choose between Emanuel and someone new without mentioning a specific alternative, 62% of those surveyed said they want to try something else.
Chicago voters used to expect hope and change.
Now they just hope they can change mayors, am I right?
You know, he's so neoliberal when Rahm Emanuel orders deep dish pizza.
Instead of butter at the bottom, he asks for poor people.
Come on, Louie.
Come on, Louie.
From your side, Louie.
Come say hello.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
He's a Northsider Cubs fan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, easy, easy.
Settle the fuck down.
I'm a Northsider.
I don't need that bullshit here.
And show my dad some respect.
You know, Ram Emmanuel is so annoying to pump up the Chicago Cubs during spring training.
He sent ice agents, just so you know.
I think you missed the point of some of these jokes.
I really do.
So Ron Placohan wrote me a whole page of Ram Emmanuel jokes.
And we still don't know where Ron is.
And Ron is not here, and he should be here.
I don't know why he's not fucking here.
But I don't understand any of these jokes.
Like, here's one.
Oh, I know this one.
By the way, I did a show yesterday at the Green Mill Jazz Club.
Have you ever been there?
That was fantastic.
I did an afternoon show of people getting hammered in the afternoon.
It's fantastic.
It was fantastic.
I had one of these in the afternoon.
It was so great.
And so here, by the way, at the Green Mill, Ram Emanuel was there.
he left in outrage when he found out that some of the musicians were in a union.
Oh!
I want the Federation of Musicians!
So tell me if you, here's a joke we're on Road.
Tell me if you know what it means.
When Rob Emmanuel was asked what the plot of the TV show Shameless, Ram Emmanuel said it's a show about an evil family that we need to ban from our fair city.
I don't get that joke, but you do.
That's all that matters.
Ron Emmanuel sucks so hard that if he sits 10 feet away from the water on Oak Street Beach at Lake Michigan, he can cause tidal waves.
Now here's a joke.
I have no idea what this joke fucking means.
Toronto, write me 10 jokes and I will know what two of them mean.
So he says, true story, if you order a shot of Mallart.
I don't know what that is.
And he says, he says in a bar, but say make it ROM style.
They trickle the shot in your mouth.
What does that mean?
What is Mallart?
Mallard?
I got it.
Mallard is a liqueur that tastes like asshole.
Thank you.
Thank you, Philadelphia Flyer fan.
So it comes from an asshole?
Is that how it's made?
Okay.
So 60% of, so 60% of voters at Chicago are sick of Ram Emanuel, or as Nancy Pelosi would put it, no need to change anything.
Everything's good.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon leak because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show: you become a premium member.
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You could do it by going to JimmyDoorComedy.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
And if you haven't, you're missing out.
We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
All right, that's enough.
I just did that because we're here.
We're almost out of fucking time.
I didn't even get to this shit.
Check this out.
Ocasio-Cortez won.
There will be consequences.
Who forgot to rig the machines?
Who forgot to purge all the progressive voters?
Did I forget to paint somebody?
Hey, look, that piece of shit.
By the way, this guy tweets out: here's a great piece from Vogue on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the 28-year-old Bronx born woman who just beat Representative Joe Crowley and the first person to face off against Crowley in primary election for 14 years.
Isn't that nice?
And then Joy Ann Reed, she tweeted out, pretty much all of political journalism are doing an Ocasio-Cortez crash course tonight, myself included.
Oh, really, Joy?
That's weird that you get paid millions of dollars to watch politics and you miss that.
You know who didn't miss that?
I don't know.
Maybe the fucking Jimmy Doer.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic now that you're with us.
June 3rd, 2017.
We had her on our fucking show.
June 3rd, 2017.
We're ahead of the curve on this shit.
And I like doing that.
I just like having her say hello to me.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic now that you're with us because you are exactly what the Democratic Party needs.
You are young, full of energy, and progressive ideas.
Tell me what made you want to get into this race and what made you want to primary a corporate Democrat.
And she goes on to say because she thought she could meet me.
True story.
I'm like, sorry till I'm married.
I know you think I'm hot, but I dye my hair.
I'm actually older than I look.
Older than I look.
I turned fucking 40 years old 10 years ago.
Anyway, here we go.
Hey, can somebody bring me a vegan smoothie?
Do they have those here?
What is this?
All right, I'm going to do it right at the end of the show.
Is that that Millard asshole at court?
Is that a Mallard or whatever?
Is this ass juice?
Oh.
Oh.
Smells like tax cuts for the rich.
Oh.
Is that a fracking bill?
No, I'll do it at the end.
I can't do it.
I'm pretty fucking hammered.
You guys don't know this.
I think actually Ram Emmanuel makes that from gentrifying neighborhoods with his billionaire developer buddies.
You know, I lived in this neighborhood in Pilson.
This is Pilsen.
I lived here when I became a comedian.
I grew up at Midway Airport.
And when I became a comedian, I thought I'd move 20 minutes closer.
And it was fantastic.
I loved it.
It was all just like artists and comedians and people who wanted to live.
Oh, but we would always go to every Tuesday at noon.
All the comedians get together, have good Mexican food over in Pilsen.
And I can't remember the fucking name of the place we would go because I'd be high every time we went there.
But Steve Segren and Jimmy Bro.
No, Tommy broke in.
A lot of great guys would go with us.
Anyway, a lot of great comedians.
Pete Lipsey is here, and there's a lot of great comedians in Chicago.
I missed them all.
And here's how I said, here's what I said about Alexandria Ocasio.
I said, weird how a little YouTube show has been covering Ocasio-Cortez for a year already, while you and all the other completely out-of-touch billionaires in MSNBC stay clueless and intentionally ignored her.
What MSNBC does is PR for the Democratic Party, not journalism.
Thank you.
Hi.
I love how, I love how they call her a leftist.
She's a leftist.
She's a leftist.
Oh, she's left, right?
You know why?
Because she embraces policies that the majority of Americans are fucking for.
Like free college, single-payer health care, a living wage, ending the wars, an infrastructure plan, a jobs bill.
She's for all that shit that most of Americans want.
What a crazy leftist.
CNN called me a far-left maniac because I'm for shit everyone's for.
In Europe, she and Bernie Sanders are fucking centrists.
Centrists, I know.
Centrists.
I was just in Norway.
I was just in Norway.
I got called Putin's body by chess great Gary Kasparov.
Do you guys see that video, Gary Caspo?
That motherfucker, right?
Motherfucker.
Bobby Fisher was murdered.
Bobby Fisher, you know who else was better?
A computer.
And a 12-year-old who got him in a stalemate.
How about that?
Deep blue.
That's why I'm going to get t-shirts, deep blue.
I'm going to go there next year.
Hey, how are you?
Here is Joy Ann Reed says, Now on AM Joy, our Democratic Rising Stars Under Attack.
Joy Ann Reed and her panel discuss.
And there's Kamala Harris, Corey Pooker, and somebody else I don't know.
And then somebody says, What most progressives are hearing is you have to accept corporate Democrats, but we won't accept real progressives.
That's what.
And then Joy Ann Reed says, dude, all candidates raise money from corporate donors.
Wake up and retire the silly talking point.
Now, guess what?
Go ahead, Graham.
My fucking head wants to explode when I read shit like this.
Tulsi Gabbard came out, what, a year ago and said, I'm not taking corporate money anymore.
I'm not doing it.
Ocasio-Cortez won on a $22 average donation.
What the fuck is she talking about?
What?
Oh, oh, I'm okay.
I'm totally okay.
They have drinks for you, Steph.
I'm sober, so I can't drink that, but thank you so much.
i just wanted to say how i appreciate joy reed having the multicultural hand clappers Yep, that's the DNC, man.
That's the coexist sticker on the Prius that flips you the fuck off in traffic.
That's who they are.
Here's what.
Guess who responded to that tweet?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says, I don't.
Yes.
And look at the date on that.
It says August 5th.
So fucking, she knew who she was last August.
Joy Ann Reed's lying that she didn't know who the fuck she was.
Oh, I didn't know who she was.
You mean you weren't allowed to cover her?
You weren't allowed to.
Phil Griffith said you couldn't cover her, just like they told Al Chult he couldn't cover Bernie Sanders.
You mean that, you fucking liar?
Oh, here, look, look, my favorite.
Here's what she said.
Here's what she said about Ocasio-Cortez.
Your folks can take you out as quick as they put you in, and you can never take them for granted.
And I'm not suggesting that Joe Crowley did whatsoever.
He, as I said, was an is and was an excellent member of Congress.
But, you know, each of us has to make sure that we take every race as seriously as possible.
So, no broader message about what the Democratic Party's message should be or who your leaders should be here in the house?
No, I don't take that message at all.
Your folks can.
No, no, no message from Ocasio-Cortez.
No, I don't take that message.
I don't take it.
And you know why she doesn't take that message?
Because she takes fucking cash.
That's why she has to take that message.
She takes Wall Street Cash, Insurance Lobby, Cat Telecom, banks, credit card companies.
She's corrupt to the core.
That's why.
That's why.
She always looks coked up to me.
I'm sorry.
She's always like, no, no, there's no message, man.
The Democrats, great.
I mean, Ocasio, it's just fucking awesome.
We're going to fucking party all night.
I got a new business I want to start with you.
Suck it awesome.
Ha ha ha.
We got to go to Vegas.
You want to drive to Vegas right now?
Let's fucking drive to Vegas.
Let's do it.
Schumer's got a fucking pad there.
It's rad.
Let's do it.
You want to start a band?
I know somebody who has a payday loan center there we could crash.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, let's do it.
You want an upside-down mortgage?
I'll get you one of those.
So we get to fucking Vegas.
It'd be great.
Fucking party.
An upside down mortgage.
Oh, by the way, here's Nancy Pelosi talking about us.
Okasi Accord says, here's what she asked this.
We're closing to that end.
If the Democratic Party is increasingly younger, more female, more diverse, more progressive, should it be.
So they ask her, hey, the Democratic Party's more young, more progressive, more female, more diverse.
Never got a House leadership both that way.
Well, I'm female.
I'm progressive.
Well, I'm female and I'm progressive.
Progressive.
What's your problem?
Okay, I'm going to tell you what my problem is.
My problem is this, you motherfucker.
And what is that?
Oh, please join Congresswoman Anna Eschau and House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi for a luncheon benefiting the Driple C when June 29th, that was just the other fucking day, 12.30 p.m. home of that, but 200 and you can become a member of the Pelosi 250 if you give $237,300.
I was fucked.
I only had $237,299.
But Jimmy, Jimmy, will that shit also include a clutch?
Oh, it did include a clutch.
It will?
Sure, it includes a VIP clutch and a photo opportunity.
You get a clutch.
You get a clutch.
You clutch them by the pussy.
But Jimmy, there's a cheaper option.
If you don't have $237, I do.
Jimmy, there's a $100,000 option.
That's for you and me, the working class.
Does it include a clutch?
Yes, it does include a sexist identity pollocks bullshit clutch because all women wear clutches, right?
What if I only have about 34 grand?
What do I do if I have 34 grand?
Oh, I could go to the speaker's cabinet.
Oh, 33,900 per couple.
That includes a photo opportunity.
No clutch.
You get clutched out.
So I just need about 60.
What do I need to get the clutch?
So it's a $60-some thousand dollar fucking clutch.
Is that what I'm buying there for?
For you and your wife, it's a clutch at Jets of W. Yeah.
It's a $66,000 clutch.
Good, good.
So, hey, you could contact Lisa Presta at 415-681-1049.
Good deal.
So, maybe that's why you're not a fucking progressive, you son of a bitch.
That's the problem.
Maybe that's the problem because you hang out with fucking millionaires and billionaires who have $300,000 to throw around just so they can fucking meet you, you stupid hundred millionaire.
Okay, by the way, so she says Representative Joe Colley stated on live TV that he would absolutely support my candidacy.
Instead, he stood me up for three scheduled concession calls, and now he's mounting a third-party challenge against me and the Democratic Party against the will of the New York voters.
And Howard Dean says Joe Crowley will be on the ballot this fall as the nominee of the Working Families Party, I believe.
He is their endorsed candidate.
And you know why Howard Dean is okay with that?
Howard Dean is okay with that because he works at Denton's, the biggest fucking lobbying firm in the entire world.
He's got an office down the hall from Newt Gingrich.
No shit.
And what I say is, we're stronger without these motherfuckers.
That's what I say.
Look!
Look at these bunch of rich white people who claim that this is their bullshit of their identity politics.
Here is a young Latina, and they're fucking smearing her.
Isn't that?
I thought they were the party of inclusion and diversity and blah, blah, blah, blah.
It's just like, no, we have people that go to country clubs and private ski resorts.
This is the diversity.
She does cocaine.
He fucking eats babies.
You know, Howard Dean fucks puppies.
It's such diversity.
You must hate America, I guess.
You know what, Graham?
take all the other shit but the puppy fucking That's right.
That's when I say third party.
So there's that.
I don't have time for this.
Oh, by the way, so he, I do have time for this.
Here's what he says.
Items on your policy agenda that you made very clear throughout.
Medicare for all, federal jobs guarantee, and tuition-free public universities and trade schools.
Those look to a lot of people like promises of gifts under the tree, but they wonder how they'll be paid for.
Now you're not going to be able to do it.
Those are gifts under the tree.
You know the shit that everybody else in a Western democracy takes for fucking granted?
We consider that gifts under the tree.
Willie Geist, you millionaire motherfucker.
That's like saying, you know what?
Roads and bridges and high, those are also gifts under the tree.
No, they're not fucking gifts under the tree.
They're shit governments are required and expected to fucking give to their people.
That's what that is.
It's not a gift.
It's normal shit.
It's normal shit.
Pouty lips.
But Jimmy, but Jimmy, there is no room for these gifts under the tree because we've just spent $1.5 trillion on the F-35 that doesn't even fucking work.
Graham, good point.
And nice try at getting a bigger response than I did.
Motherfucker.
He's the whole show he's doing that.
Whole show.
The whole show is being exciting.
Things we can't afford, Graham.
Iraq and Afghan wars, $4.6 trillion.
Wall Street bailouts, $12.8 trillion.
Big oil subsidies.
If there's this F-35 program?
Things we can't afford, healthcare, infrastructure, public transport, education, renewable energy, clean environment, feeding the poor in public elections.
So that's what you have.
There you go.
So whenever someone says that, you show them that and tell them to go fuck themselves.
How about that?
So here is Chuck Schumer.
Chuck Schumer's going to tell you what the Democrats are going to do to win 2018.
Maybe there was too much emphasis just on negative Trump and people lost that.
We are getting it back.
Town, we are talking about things that matter, as I told you, healthcare, infrastructure, taxes.
We're talking to rural people about rural broadband.
We're talking to people about rural broadband.
That ought to get us at least six votes.
And notice how he says we're talking about health care.
He doesn't say we're talking about single-payer health care.
Because here's a guy who does want to talk about single-payer health care.
Democrats have been advised not to say the word single-payer health care.
This is what happens when Bernie Sanders says in Pennsylvania.
This is what he says when he says single-payer.
This is what happens.
Donald Donald Trump and his friends think that health care reform is throwing 30 million people off of the health insurance they have.
Our idea is a little bit different and a lot more popular.
Our idea says, how does it happen that the United States of America, our great country, is the only major nation on earth not to guarantee health care to all people as a right contribution.
So they seem pretty excited.
He's about to say single payer.
That is why, with your support, we introduce a single payer Medicare for all they find out they get
rural internet.
That's what people want, you motherfuckers.
That's what gets people excited.
That's what would get 90% of the people in the country to the polls to vote.
Offer them something that actually changes their lives for the better that you know they fucking want and give it to them.
Why do I have to wait till I'm almost dead to get good health care?
Because fucking there's a lot of money in it.
Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars and now wars are manufactured to sell weapons.
We know that.
Every war is a fucking lie.
Every war, there are no enemies.
Every war is a fucking lie.
Every war is a fucking lie.
Every war takes bread and food out of your mouth, out of your baby's mouth, education away from someone, housing away from a homeless person.
Every war is a fucking lie!
And if you want proof that every war is a fucking lie and every war is there to enrich people who have stock in defense contractors, let's watch Wolf Blitzer talk to Rand Paul.
Now, Wip Blitzer, Whip Blitzer gets a lot of kudos from his peers because he really does keep his head perfectly still when he talks shit.
And here he goes.
He would presumably veto it.
At the very least, it begins the debate of whether or not we should be at war.
We are refueling the Saudi bombers.
So we are essentially part of the bombing campaign.
We're helping them choose targets, and we are refueling the Saudi bombers that are dropping the bombs.
It is said that thousands of civilians have died in Yemen because of this.
Yes, we need to have a debate over this, and I don't know what the president will do, but he ought to come to Congress and ask for permission.
We've given him no authority to get involved in the civil war in Yemen.
And we have to ask...
Watch how Wolf puts her.
The bigger question, is this making it better or worse?
Are there more refugees or less refugees?
So yeah, it's a debate we ought to have, and no president should unilaterally have this authority without the approval of Congress.
So for you, this is a moral issue because you know there's a lot of jobs at stake.
Certainly, if a lot of these defense contractors stop selling warplanes, other sophisticated equipment to Saudi Arabia, there's going to be a significant loss of jobs and revenue here in the United States.
That's secondary from your standpoint.
I don't know.
What could we replace those jobs with?
Maybe jobs, I don't know, feeding people.
Maybe we could have jobs housing people.
Maybe we could have jobs giving medical care to people.
Maybe we could have jobs building roads to people's houses.
I don't know.
Or we could have jobs building bombs that kill motherfuckers and blow up their roads and shit.
I'd be happy with rebuilding our infrastructure so everybody in America can have clean water.
How about that?
Wow.
Wow, you're such a purist.
What if we put a bunch of Americans to work building wind turbines and solar panels?
Gee, those sound like some jobs.
You sound like a Bernie bro.
Trump and Kim Handshake talks of peace, sinks U.S. defense stocks.
Peace is bad for business, ladies and gentlemen.
Every war is a fucking lie.
Every war is a fucking lie.
Peace is bad for business.
Wars are fucking lies.
The next war is the war in Iran.
The next war is the war in Iran.
They did Iraq.
They did Libya.
They did Syria.
They did Afghanistan, Somalia.
They're into Sudan.
And now it's Iran.
And this is from the Washington Institute for New Year East Policy.
And here is Jeffrey Dahmer's assistant.
And he's going to tell us how to get into a war in Iran.
I frankly think that crisis initiation is really tough.
Crisis initiation.
That's code speak for starting fucking war so we can make some money.
And it's very hard for me to see how the United States president can get us to war with Iran.
Oh my God.
I don't see it happen.
By the way, this guy is an economist for the World Bank.
He's not some asswipe for a fucking job.
He's a big shot dude that people listen to and listen to the shit he's saying.
Which leads me to conclude that if, in fact, compromise is not coming, that the traditional way of America gets to war is what would be best for U.S. interests.
Some people might think that Mr. Roosevelt wanted to get us into World War II.
As David mentioned, you may recall we had to wait for Pearl Harbor.
Some people might think Mr. Wilson wanted to get us into World War I. You may recall he had to wait for the Lusitania episode.
Some people might think that Mr. Johnson wanted to send troops to Vietnam.
You may recall we had to wait for the Gulf of Tonkin episode.
We didn't go to war with Spain until the U.S.S. Judge LeMain exploded.
Okay, all those things are bullshit.
So what he's really saying is, you know, if we want to get ready for the wars of the future, we have to learn how to start them from the wars of the past.
That's what he's saying.
And here we go.
And may I point out that Mr. Lincoln did not feel he could call out the Federal Army until Fort Sumter was attacked, which is why he ordered the commander at Fort Sumter to do exactly that thing, which the South Carolinians had said would cause an attack.
So if, in fact, the Iranians aren't going to compromise, it would be best if somebody else started the war.
But one can combine other means of pressure with sanctions.
I mentioned that explosion on August 17th.
We could step up the pressure.
I mean, look, people, Iranian submarines periodically go down.
Someday one of them might not come up.
Who would know why?
We can do a variety of things if we wish to increase the pressure.
I'm not advocating that.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It sounds like you're advocating for the opposite.
It sounds like you want a non-interventionist peace solution.
It sounds like a mob guy.
Like, hey, I don't want anybody.
People fall down flights of stairs all the time.
You know what I mean?
Guy doesn't pay his tab.
All of a sudden he's got a broken knee.
That's just the way things happen.
You know what I mean?
Boy, the guy didn't know what his big was.
Last thing he knows, his house burns down.
I don't know what happened.
I'm not advocating that shit.
I'm saying it happens.
I'm not advocating you fucking peace.
Anyway, we don't have time for that.
But let's remember, that's how they fucking get into war.
They call it crisis initiation.
It's in our interests.
Our interests, it's not our interests.
It's his interest and his rich uncle's fucking interests.
That's what the interests is in.
It's not our fucking interest.
We're the ones who get killed in those fucking wars.
And they're the ones who make billions of dollars.
So fuck him and fuck him and fuck him.
So let's remember that when we go to war with Iran, which we are going to war with Iran, that Anthony Bourdain told us that the people in Iran, Iran was mind-blowing.
My crew has never been treated so well by total strangers.
Everywhere, everywhere.
We had heard that Persians are nice, but the nicest didn't see that coming.
So there's real fucking people who live in Iran or just like you and your sister and your brother and your niece and your nephew and your mom and your dad, and they live in Iraq, and these motherfuckers want to kill them for fucking money.
And that's what's wrong with this goddamn fucking system.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, God, Mitt Romney's on the phone again.
Hello.
Hi, guy.
What's up?
Mitt to the Rim Rom Remedy Romney playing all the hits for you.
Hi, Mitt.
Uh-oh, call me governor, because I'm about to become senator, and then I'm really going to mess your shit up.
Okay, Governor.
As FDR once said, I welcome your embarrassment.
You know, I don't think he ever said that.
Well, he should have.
Because I'm going to embarrass the fuck out of this country, you whitey-ass snowflake.
You think Donald Trump's a laughing stock?
Just wait until I ask his next Supreme Court nominee if he believes in the planet Kolob.
You're going to use the planet Kolob as a litmus test?
Hey, you know, there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDorkComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written, that's right, it was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Semerano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
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