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May 18, 2018 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:02:43
20180518_0517_TJDS_PODCAST
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I gotta get Bibi on the phone.
Shello.
BB, it's Jimmy Dore.
What the heck's going on over there?
Jimmy, please show some restraints.
What?
Restraint.
What are you talking about?
Be more restrained.
calm like me.
B.B., I want to talk to you about...
Yeah, the Palestinians who died, BB, died of natural causes.
Jesus, do you just feed these lines directly to the press?
Actually, the press on its own has pointed out Israel's admirable restraint in that unfortunate incident.
Killing 100 unarmed civilians.
You call that restraint?
Unarmed.
These people had rocks.
And they were throwing them in our direction.
None of these Palestinians would have been able to lob any object far enough to reach your soldiers, but you mowed down innocent people anyway.
Innocent people.
Jimmy, we have confirmed a dozen or so of the people who passed away on that day were terrorists.
Okay, first of all, how do you know that?
Your soldiers were firing indiscriminately.
And also, okay, but what about the rest of the people you killed who weren't terrorists, like women and children?
Jimmy, you know how when you go to like an old-fashioned diner.
Yeah.
And you order a milkshake.
Uh-huh.
And the milkshake comes in a glass, but then they also bring out a metal tumbler with the overflow from the glass, so you have like extra milkshake.
Yes.
It's like that.
You're seriously comparing extra murdered Palestinians to bonus milkshakes.
God damn, I want a milkshake now.
This is revolting.
Please, Jimmy, have restraint.
You didn't show restraint?
Well, I think a certain Nikki Haley would disagree with you.
On the floor of the United Nations, America always has Israel's back.
And Nikki is the hand that does the actual having.
What?
I'm sorry, I'm drunk.
You're drunk?
What?
We've been celebrating American Embassy moves to Jerusalem.
Successful defense maneuvers with only a small, restrained number of people passing away.
Many Israelis enjoy watching the natural cessation of Palestinians breathing from rooftops.
It's sort of a party.
There's been drinking.
You know, I still can't believe you consider killing 100 people restraint.
Why think of this in absolute Jimmy?
Out of the entire Palestinian population, that's a minuscule percentage.
You're patting yourself on the back because you didn't kill most Palestinians last week.
Believe me, the IDF has a contingency plan for that, too.
Operation Terminix.
You didn't hear that from me, though.
I don't even want to know, BB.
Look, the world will not look favorably upon this or you.
And Israel is in danger of being on the wrong side of history.
I know.
You what?
I know.
I mean, I'm not a moron.
Obviously, this whole thing is a failed experiment.
We all know it, but there's nothing we can do about it.
We've basically allowed ourselves to become Westworld for American Evangelical Christians, where they can live out their end times fantasies.
Do you think they want peace?
Give me a break.
That's why they want me here, a militaristic thug.
I'm just playing my role.
You know, that is incredibly depressing.
You're telling me?
I'm just hoping to get my pension and retire before the actual end times happen.
I don't want to stand on the Temple Mount with everyone else and get baptized by Franklin Graham.
But yes, in the meantime, Jimmy, I'm going to have to smoke some Arabs every now and again.
Hey, okay, BB.
Thanks for talking to us.
You're a terrible person and a danger to the world.
Thank you, Jimmy.
As my people say, Sayonara.
Jesus Christ.
I want to find that shit.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore Show.
New date announced July 15th, Chicago, Illinois at Thalia Hall.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com for a link for all tickets and will be in Portland July 1st, July 1st, Portland, Oregon, July 15th, Chicago, Illinois.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
Breaking scores shot attempting to leave open-air prison ghetto funded by America.
Israel files charges against Gaza corpses for selling single cigarettes from PAX Without Tax Stamps.
Yeah, sure, $6 billion may be a lot for America to give Israel every year, but do you kids think apartheid grows on trees or five?
Man, I can't find my $21 trillion bill anywhere.
It's just one of those mornings, am I right?
Hey, at this point, I was watching MSNBC yesterday.
At this point, can we just start calling it the Mad Out Mystery Hour Trump Russia edition?
You know, it's too bad Russian memes aren't behind the teacher strike, or the corporate media would actually cover it.
Oh, good joke.
You know, I'm glad the Supreme Court is focused on important issues like sports betting.
I mean, I guess everything else is just fine.
Hey, Tom Wolf died.
Tom Wolf was at the forefront of what was called new journalism in the 60s.
These days, I'm grateful for any kind of journalism.
Hey, Mark Warner, Mark Warner just voted to confirm a torturer as the head of our spy agency.
Appropriately enough, it's torture having Mark Warner in the Democratic Party.
Hey, did you hear an Oklahoma GOP candidate for governor is now saying someone else wrote his Facebook posts advocating euthanasia for the poor and disabled?
True story.
He also said he and Joy Reader are going to find the real posters.
So what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about the Israel-Gaza Situation and how it exposes the complete hypocrisy and BS of all of our wars.
Plus, Google employees fight back against the war machine.
No kidding.
Just how?
The answer may surprise you, or will it?
Plus, we have phone calls today from Jeff Sessions, Bernie Sanders, Rick Perry, and Bibi Netanyahu.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door Show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Jimmy Door Show.
I had heard of you, surgery.
But we're back.
I'm able to sit down.
Oh, hurts a little.
I'm here with the miserable liberal in Ron Placone.
I'm miserable.
Howdy, howdy, Jimmy.
So, guess what?
We talked about the petrodollar.
So, you know, people are, if you ever wondered, like, why are we friends with Saudi Arabia?
They're like the most brutal dictatorship in the world.
They chop people's heads off in public.
They are so oppressive to women.
They spread terrorism, ISIS, Wahhabism, all the way.
Why would we be friends?
Because of the petrodollar.
And what the petrol dollar is, is that Saudi Arabia agrees, agreed to, if you want to buy oil from Saudi Arabia, you have to first turn your currency into U.S. dollars.
So that's a big deal, and it helps prop up our dollar and our economy.
And what we promised them back for doing that is the use of our military.
That's what that is all about.
So we've explained that before, and I've showed you videos of John Kerry admitting this and stuff like that.
John Kerry admitting that they had offered to pay Saudi Arabia, offered to pay for our invasion of Syria if we would invade at their behest and overthrow Assaud.
They'd pay for the whole thing.
Like they had done in the past, he said.
That's John Kerry.
So that's why we're friends with Saudi Arabia.
Just so you can send it, like, because why wouldn't we be more friends with Iran, even though we overthrew their government?
So Iran had a democratically elected president named Mossadegh.
We overthrew him because he wanted to keep the oil for his own people.
Can't do that.
As long as it was the United States and shell oil around baby and BP.
So we overthrew him, installed the Shah, who was a horribly oppressive dictator.
And then what happens?
They got thrown into another right-wing dictatorship.
That's when the religious faction took over.
There was a revolt.
And now the Khomeini, the Ayatollah Khomeini took over.
Now the Ayatollah's run it.
But they still have elections and they have a president.
Well, guess what Iran decided to do?
This is from April 19th.
Iran switches from dollar to Euro.
So Iran's feud with the U.S. is set to get worse after Tehran announced yesterday that it will start reporting foreign currency amounts in Euros rather than U.S. dollars as part of the country's effort to reduce its reliance on the American currency due to political tension with Washington.
So it's going to start reporting foreign currency amounts in Euros rather than U.S. dollars.
The move has been seen by Iranian officials as a logical and necessary step.
The threat of further U.S. sanctions has destabilized Iran's foreign exchange market in recent months.
So the threat, just the threat of further U.S. sanctions against Iran has destabilized Iran's foreign exchange market.
Bank transactions involving the dollar are already difficult for Iran.
Sanctions have made U.S. banks unwilling to do business with Tehran.
And foreign firms can be exposed to sanctions if they do Iranian deals in dollars, even if the operations involve non-U.S.
branches.
And so what happens when the what happens when Iran decides to go off the dollar?
I don't know what happened when Libya tried to go off the dollar.
Let's see.
Oh, breaking U.S. designates head of Iran Central Bank as a terrorist.
It's almost funny.
I mean, it is funny, literally, to me.
That's funny.
That makes me laugh.
If you know the backstory, it's funny.
If you don't, just like boxing.
Boxing is not interesting unless you know the backstory.
Same thing with this.
If you know the backstory, it's hilarious.
They say Euro.
We say terrorist.
So just so you know, this is Secretary of State John Kerry said, we declared ISIS a terrorist group early on.
And we could not convince our colleagues, Saudi Arabia, to stop supplying them.
Their central bank guy isn't a terrorist.
Isn't that weird how Saudi Arabia, even though they fund not terrorists?
Nope.
Hillary Clinton, to be fair, we helped create the problem, Al-Qaeda.
We are now fighting.
That's Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that.
To be fair, we created Al-Qaeda, the problem we are now fighting.
She said that.
So two Secretary of State showing that Saudi Arabia funding terrorists, we create terrorists.
Here's John McCain said we were meeting in the White House over two years ago and everyone in the national security team recommended arming ISIS.
Now, that's a meme I saw on Twitter.
So that's probably not true, right?
I mean, he probably didn't say that.
Hillary Clinton has described already the meeting in the White House over two years ago.
Everyone in the national security team recommended arming ISIS.
And the president, by himself, turned it down.
Just like by himself, he decided not to strike Syria.
Just like by himself, he decided not to.
You know why?
Because Congress had voted to not strike Syria.
You know that?
He's such a warmonging maniac, John McCain is.
He wants to kill people all over the globe.
He is the moral superior of no one.
He is a warmongering, bloodthirsty fucking psychopath.
That's what John McCain is.
And a patriot.
You think, I'm not, he...
Did he really say that?
Everyone in the national security team recommended arming ISIS.
But it's Tehran.
Or do you say Tehran?
But it's Tehran, the chief officer of the Central Bank of Tehran.
They're terrorists.
We invaded Iraq illegally, killed hundreds of thousands of people, displaced millions more, wiped out a country.
But the country next to it, their guy's a terrorist.
It's almost hilarious, right?
I mean, it is funny to me, and maybe it shouldn't be, but it's funny.
Makes me laugh, legitimately laugh.
You've got to.
Yeah, you've got to.
It's so fucking funny.
Here's so get this.
There are only nine countries left in the world without a central bank.
Did you know that?
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that.
So I heard people talk about this stuff.
Russia, China, Iceland, Cuba, Syria, Iran, Venezuela, North Korea, and Hungary.
So I guess we're, so, well, we're not going to invade Russia.
We will have proxy wars with them.
We're not going to invade China, although we are ramping up in the Pacific right now.
We're Doing a pivot.
We're doing a pivot in the Pacific.
And everybody that I hear is saying it's because of China.
So this is all about economics again.
Iceland, nobody has ever said, let's invade Iceland.
I don't know if you know, but Iceland put their bankers in jail after the after the banks crashed.
Syria, well, Iran, there you go.
Venezuela, oh, of course.
And that's why the CIA is working overtime to destabilize Venezuela, North Korea, and Hungary.
And I always love how people go, oh, you like socialism?
You want us to be like Venezuela?
No, I want us to be like Denmark.
I'd like us to be able to always go, what about that's like saying, oh, you want to be a capitalist?
Let's go to the United States, where 63% of the country can't afford a $1,000 emergency under capitalism.
People act like this is such a capitalism is really working out here at the United States.
Isn't it funny?
People, oh, it's killing.
We're killing it with capitalism.
Half the country's low income or poor.
50% of all wage earners earn less than $30,000 a year.
Half of the country, wage earners, are less than $30,000 a year.
So anyway, I just thought that would be interesting to throw that in there.
You know, I'm not smart enough to know how central banking works and all that stuff.
All I know is the system is rigged.
I know that the LIBRE scandal revealed that the price of everything was rigged.
And who was it rigged in favor of?
The banks.
There you go.
So Iran.
Isn't that great?
Iran switches from dollar to euro and terrorists.
Oh, look, Bernie Sanders is calling in.
Hello.
Hey, what's all this time hearing about DJ Khaled not eating?
So I guess you're not planning on running in 2020?
On the contrary, I'm still exercising my options, young man.
These are new times.
The old barriers of language are being broken.
We are all sexual beings, are we not?
I hope not.
How do you pronounce Khaled like Kale or Kali like Lieutenant William Calley?
You know, I really don't even know.
Kale is good for you, Jimmy.
Do you like Kale?
No, I do not.
It's full of magnesium, and so am I. So watch out.
The Washington Post just published an editorial calling your plan for guaranteed employment, quote, a boondoggle.
Assholes.
What?
I merely suggested that we pay people a living wage in order to help save our economy and way of life and the damn planet.
Speaking of boondoggles, didn't they push for the invasion of Iraq?
How's that fucking working out lately?
Who bought the Washington Post?
Oh, yeah, Jeff Bezos.
What could Jeff Bezos have to gain from paying his employees' starvation wages?
I still don't know who DJ Khaled is.
These morons are competent at only one thing: distractions.
Distractions from doing the right thing.
Did you know that currently the top 1% of the media elite waste 99.9% of our time on Russia?
Uh-huh.
This is unsustainable.
And if elected as a disembodied head in the jaw, because my physical body will have outlived its usefulness, I pledge to rebuild this country's infrastructure as I lose mine.
And yes, my eyebrows will become robotic as the top 1% of my body loses the bottom 99%.
That's right.
Hang the fuck up.
That's how I end every conversation.
Hey, so you know what's going on in the Gaza Strip.
Now, the Gaza Strip is what is being referred to as an open-air prison because it is.
And all entry and exits are completely cut off by the Israeli military.
It's a horrible situation.
The UN has repeatedly sank or repeatedly passed resolutions condemning Israel's handling of Palestinian people about their illegal settlements, about shooting unarmed people.
So they're just shooting unarmed people.
So just so you know that the Israelis, their snipers are shooting people.
And then they look through a scope and then they kill a kid.
They kill a 14-year-old girl or a 14-year-old boy or they kill a guy in a wheelchair with no legs.
They look, they see him through the scope and then they shoot them.
That's what's happening.
And so that has led the Onion to give no fucks.
IDF soldier recounts harrowing heroic war story of killing eight-month-old child.
The Onion is not messing around.
People think I'm strident.
There's some aggressive progressives over at The Onion.
Yeah, those are some sharp teeth.
Here's a little bit from that article, by the way, that they wrote.
Quote, and this wasn't some newborn infant, you know.
This was a baby who could probably sit up independently.
I was scared.
I acted quickly to throw that tear gas at her and her older sister.
And who knows how many lives I saved when I shot the women trying to help her.
That is the pinnacle of satire because it hurts.
It doesn't make you laugh.
It hurts.
Right underneath the onion on Twitter, when they tweeted out that article, someone said, I know it's only supposed to be a joke, but with what's going on, it's distasteful.
And the person underneath that said, that's the point.
Ex-Atheist worth following on Twitter.
Maya Winters.
No.
So ex-atheist at ZAF underscore.
So I'll just, it's almost overwhelming for me to cover what's happening because there's nothing that reveals the hypocrisy and the moral emptiness of the United States last 18 years of bombing in the Middle East non-stop than this situation with Israel because Israel's our friends.
They're our allies.
So when they shoot protesters, unarmed protesters with sniper rifles, shooting over a thousand people, killing journalists, killing children, it reveals that all our bombing is for money.
So we're bombing Syria for money.
We're bombing in Afghanistan for money.
In Iraq, for money.
In Libya, for money.
In Somalia, for money.
In Yemen, for money.
In fact, we're committing war crimes all the time in Yemen.
We're helping it happen.
So this reveals that it's all bull and that I don't care how many CNN articles try to discredit me.
Everyone can see the truth.
We don't care about innocent people.
We never did.
We're there at the behest of fossil fuel companies, Saudi Arabia, and Israel.
If we're bombing somewhere, it's got something to do with that.
And I appreciate them not giving any Fs.
I mean, it is so startling that they say this.
You know, and that the what?
Is it Maya who said it was distasteful?
Yeah.
You know, I wonder if Maya takes the time also to talk about how horrific this is.
What's happening?
Yeah, it's not distasteful that it's happening.
It's distasteful that the onion is shining is shining a light on it, which is what they're doing.
Satire, they're using it to show you how morally bankrupt Israel is in this situation.
And they are bankrupt.
You want to get in bed with Netanyahu?
You're getting in bed with Trump.
And guess who supports this, by the way?
Chuck Schumer.
Chuck Schumer is for the embassy being put in Jerusalem, just so you know that.
You know who else was for that?
Hillary Clinton.
You know who else was for that?
Barack Obama.
I mean, that's what they said publicly.
They didn't move the embassy, but they said they would.
They said the proper capital is Jerusalem.
So the onion telling more truths than the establishment media will in 100,000 years.
Wow.
So you know what's going on in Israel with Gaza and that they're just murdering people.
So they're just murdering people.
It's called murder.
But it's okay because we're doing it.
Just like when we do torture, it's not torture.
It's enhanced interrogation techniques.
When we do it, it's nice.
And when anyone else does it, it's horrible.
It's murder.
And we have to go bomb them.
Imagine if Assad was shooting people.
This had snipers picking off people, protesting him.
Imagine that.
If that was filmed every day, it would be like Trump would come out.
They killed babies.
We have to bomb them.
And boy, he's such a bad actor, Trump, isn't he?
If there's one thing Trump is, it's a bad actor.
So here they're asking, here they ask, this is an Israeli official.
She's being asked, why are you shooting dead protesters at the wall?
The scandal of today's casualties became clear.
Why the Israeli forces were shooting dead protesters at the Gaza crossings?
Well, we can't put all these people in jail.
We're talking about hundreds of people that are attacking the fence.
They're attacking the fence.
They're attacking the fence, you guys.
If you attack the fence, we're going to have a sniper from about 100 yards away shoot you and kill you.
If you attack the fence.
So we're going to have someone who's not in any danger of being hurt kill you with a sniper rifle.
And why?
Well, they're trying to protect the safety of the fence.
Yes.
Because the fence's life matters.
The fence life matters.
Well, the BBC reported that before the protests began, an Israeli official announced, said that soldiers would be permitted under certain rules to fire live ammunition at anyone attempting to damage the border fence.
Yeah, that and even get against people coming within 30, like about a thousand feet of it.
So speaking of the fence, Netanyahu announces day of mourning for fence damaged in yesterday's conflict.
Man, onion, they are.
All right.
This is true.
This is the onion is on it.
Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public's worst fears.
Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday's conflict at the Gaza border.
We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this poor, innocent length of fence.
Wow.
Said Netanyahu, who throughout his reportedly stirring eulogy shared several images of a youthful barrier which was first erected between Israel and Gaza Strip in 1994.
Let us never forget what happened to this beautiful razor-wired barricade, which still had so much life ahead of it.
This is awesome.
Oh, wow.
As we lower our flags to half-mast, I encourage all Israelis to take a few moments to consider the great sacrifices made by our many brave fabricated enclosures.
This is unbelievable.
Sources confirm Netanyahu concluded the solemn ceremony with a 21-gun salute fired directly into a group of Palestinian protesters.
Wow, geese.
Man.
Sharp.
Sharp.
That's what satire is supposed to do.
People say I'm strident.
People say me.
Look at the onion.
I aspire to have the balls of the onion.
If I had onion balls.
All the layers that those balls would have.
The layers.
So I just want to play that for you one more time, just so you get it.
Just so you can hear it, because it's fun.
The scale of today's casualties became clear.
Why the Israeli forces were shooting dead protesters at the Gaza crossings?
Well, we can't put all these people in jail.
We're talking about hundreds of people that are attacking the fence.
And I can tell you that the IDF.
There you go.
She tried to sound like she was being empathetic, too.
Leaving the tone of her voice.
We don't want to shoot these people point blank with sniper rifles and a scope who are unarmed, but we don't have the prison space.
Even, I don't know, would Hitler even say something like that?
Probably.
That's like something Hitler would say.
Yeah.
Ironic that it's an Israeli spokesperson saying that.
Isn't it ironic that Israel was invented to give them a safe haven from persecution?
And now what do they do?
They spend the last, I don't know, 20 years, probably longer.
All I know is that ever since I started doing a show, a political show for the Pacifica Network in 2009, that it's been like this.
Wow.
Wow.
We've got to protect that fence.
Hey, you know, we no longer have an Amazon link because we're not doing that.
We're not playing that game.
But here's another great way you can help support the show is you become a premium member.
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You can do it by going to jimmydoorcompany.com, clicking on join premium.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business, and it's a great way to help put your thumb back in the eye of the bastards.
Thanks for everybody who was already a premium member.
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We give you lots of bonus content.
Thanks for your support.
I just want to talk a little bit about this.
IDF troops kill seven children in a single day.
So what do they do?
Do they have to demonize those kids they just killed?
They have to tell you that those kids had it coming.
And then anybody would have killed seven kids.
So they make an infographic labeling children Hamas weapons of terror.
This is from Empire Files.
And here's the IDF.
Here's what they say.
Hamas can turn anything into a weapon of terror.
Rocks, explosives, arson kites.
You know how well kites fly when they're on fire.
Arson kites.
Arson kites.
By the way, can I tell you, do you know how many Israelis killed by all this Hamas violence?
Including, counting today, zero.
Zero.
So when you have people in a prison and you remove all hope, what do you think they're going to do?
Well, some of them are going to try and protest and riot.
And they're going to use their weapons, you know, their arson kites against, you know, an Israeli military tank and sharpshooters with assault weapons, with sniper rifles.
Hey, I have an arson kite.
I have a sniper rifle.
Who do you think is going to win?
They have Molotov, they have wire cutters.
Do you see that?
That's also, we had to shoot him.
He had a wire cutter and no means to get close to us.
So we had to shoot him.
Molotov cocktails.
How far do you think you can throw a Molotov cocktail?
20 yards, 30 yards, 40 yards?
Maybe if you're like a John Elway or if you're an MNFL quarterback, you can throw it maybe 50 yards of Molotov cocktail because it's not symmetrical like a football.
There's no wind.
It's all wind resistance.
So a Molotov cocktail, maybe you could throw it 50 yards.
But Jimmy, I mean, you could attach a Molotov cocktail to your arson.
That's a kite.
That was like the ending of Mary Poppins.
And then, of course, when you have a burning tire, you know how hard those are to fix?
I can't believe marbles didn't make that.
Yeah, why did they just put marbles on there?
Hey, did they also have boomerang and slingshots?
It's just unbelievable.
This is the, that's not not a, that's not a joke from the onion.
That's a real thing.
This is what they did.
It says a weapon of terror.
A weapon of terror.
You know, wire cutters.
You know, wire cutters.
Rocks.
Weapons of terror.
Explosives.
Arsen kites.
So there's there today.
We confirmed a torturer, a legit torturer, as the head of our intelligence agency in the United States today.
I know it's kind of exciting.
Isn't she the first woman?
First woman.
First IA.
First torturer.
First woman.
And this is another instance of bipartisanship.
Yeah, for the torturer?
Yeah.
And so on the day.
So we're not, again, as Martin Luther King said, the biggest purveyor of violence in the world is the United States and their allies.
Our entire government is supporting this.
Just so you know, Chuck Schumer, it's bipartisan.
Chuck Schumer's 100% on board.
Thomas Friedman, did you see him today?
He came out.
Thomas Friedman came out today and said this was Hamas's fault that they killed seven children.
They're killing all these people.
It's Hamas's fault.
Thomas Friedman.
Thomas Friedman, who should, if there was any justice in the world, would be in jail himself, having some of that extraordinary rendition done on him that he so pushed for.
If there was any justice in this world, Thomas Friedman would have a military person with an AR-15 come knock on his door and terrorize him and his family.
If there was any justice, but there isn't any justice in this world.
Mike makes right, and that's why this is happening.
Wow.
Okay.
And of course, the New York Times will also agree with the IDF.
Of course they will.
And they'll say this is because of Hamas.
They'll say every stupid thing in the world.
And then you wonder why people get their news from YouTube.
I was going to say, you know what?
I think a powerful meme would be if somebody just said, you can turn anything into a weapon of terror and then have a picture of a newspaper.
Ha!
I wonder if Rick Perry left any messages on my archaic answering machine.
Hello.
Hello.
Is anybody there?
What's that big noise?
How come nobody answered?
Is anybody on the line?
Now what?
Turn a dial or what?
Do I just hang up?
Hello.
Anybody there?
Mom.
Darn it all.
I'm hungry.
Well, if no one's going to talk to me, I officially declare this time fudgle time.
What's this button do?
This is a very important day, creatures who live in the plastic message box in Jimmy Doris Fourier.
All you cute low-hobbit animals with your effervescent personalities and golf summer dreams.
For today, I hereby announce my official endorsement for Texas House District number eight, Thomas McNutt.
Remember that name?
Because Republicans are really going to bust their McNutt on election day.
Are Texans confident?
You bet.
McNutt's got it in the bag.
But that's low-hanging fruit.
We fully expect headlines to read, McNutt sacks Texas.
Added bonus.
He's a Christian with guns.
Alexi, have you seen those?
Here's why guys are obsessed with this underwear ass.
I'm not afraid to click on one.
I mean, what if I like it?
Historical note.
Jesus never wore underwear.
Look at the pictures of him.
He's just hanging freely from his bountiful lawns.
Going rogue.
Make no mistake about this ending here.
Tom McNutt is a lested teeter.
I mean, tested leader.
Did I say teeter?
Is that even a word?
I think it's a word, so I didn't make a mistake.
Aisha, I call first dibs on no mistake.
What is a dib anyway?
Who was the first guy to ever call a dib?
And what part of the cow does the dib come from?
These and other Questions.
Ow!
My armadillo bit my stomach again.
*laughter* *BEEP*
This is very difficult for me to say, so I'll say it only once.
I just visited the Kodiak archipelago.
Why did I just visit the Kojak Archie and Veronica Pelago?
To study the grid.
To study the grid.
Study the grid.
Wow.
Ever notice when you repeat something over and over, it loses all meaning.
Study the grid.
Everywhere I go, I check out the electrical grids and take copioid notes.
Dear diary, the future is in supercomputers.
We must reboot our way of thinking.
It's time to think different.
And other slogans ad executives came up with.
I'm all right with that.
No problem.
I'll just be over here.
Oh, Magic 8 Ball, my house has a bad smell under it.
If I pretend it's not there, will it go away?
Ask again later.
Oh, Magic 8 Ball, my house has a bad smell under it.
If I pretend it is not there, will it go away?
It is decidedly so.
Thank you, Magic Eight Ball.
You are my God.
The safe house is stocked with weapons and Denty Moore Hardy Beach Stews.
I worship you and await your next command.
Wow, that escalated pretty fast, didn't it?
You may rely on it.
Oh, Magic Eight Ball, you're incorrigible.
Beat, motherfucker, beat!
No!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to Jimmy Dorsey.
I'm here with the Political Vigilante and Steph Seb Murano, the miserable liberal.
Hey, how you doing?
I'm miserable.
I'm a political vigilante.
So, comedy in the time of Trump, right?
So, now, I barely have any Trump jokes in my act, right?
I have maybe two solid Trump jokes.
And you know why?
Because every other Jagoff in the world is out doing Trump jokes.
You know, it's just, it's just, come on, right?
And so it gets to be low-hanging fruit.
And so I try to challenge myself to do something different, right?
It's like when I started comedy, everybody was doing dating jokes.
And I was like, I don't want to go do dating jokes.
Everybody's doing dating jokes.
So it's harder.
You try to, you know, I always tried to be different.
That's more fun for me.
Now, in this age of Trump, I'm not saying that you shouldn't make fun of Trump, but listen to what Norm McDonald says.
Now, Norm McDonald is now, I know him personally.
And we used to sit out by the fire of Todd Glass's house, and we would have lots of fun chats, right?
And now he's a contrarian, as all good comedians are.
Norm McDonald's a contrarian, and he's one of the funniest guys in the history of funny, right?
He's just funny.
He makes me laugh so hard.
And you know what else I love about him?
Is that when we first met him, we loved his impressions that he would do of Bob Dole and of Burt Reynolds.
And if you asked him, he would do them for us.
That was unbelievable.
Because most people won't.
They're like, God, I don't want to dagging my dick.
He would.
Remember that?
Oh, my God.
It was like the biggest thrill of my life.
We're like, Norm, what if you're going to be able to do it?
Did you do Burt Reynolds?
And he did it.
He did it.
And I lost my money.
I lost my money.
Forever, I'm a fan.
So, and it's really hard for me to beat myself around a guy like Norm McDonald because I look up to him so much comedically.
I opened for him in like 1993 in Chicago before he was famous.
And even then, I looked up to him and I was myself around him.
So here they ask him about comedy in the age of Trump, but let's hear what he has to say.
So comedy in the time of Trump, is it more difficult than it was when you were on Saturday Night Live?
It's more difficult in the time of Trump for good comedians and it's way easier for bad comedians.
You know, you don't have a worldview by just saying you don't like Trump.
You know what I mean?
That doesn't count.
Like you can't just say, I hate Trump and that makes you a good person.
And the Democrats just can't say, I hate Trump.
And that means they have a position.
You know, that's no position.
That's amazing.
Wow.
He's nailing it.
I'm so conflicted right now because he, when I was on Last Comic Standing three years ago, he told me on camera to quit to quit comedy and become a dog walker.
And I wanted to punch him in the throat.
But this actually, this is, I'm down with him saying this.
I didn't know he said that to you.
Yeah, he did.
Yeah.
I got bounced off in the first round.
Yeah.
And I laughed and played it off, but like you're supposed to, like you're supposed to.
And I laughed and then he made fun of me.
He goes, well, he went over to Iraq and Afghanistan.
It must have been tough for the soldiers.
The crowd booed him.
And I went, well, I was doing shows for Al-Qaeda.
Is this a bad time to bring that up?
I got to laugh.
But I was like, oh, you're fucked.
They booed him and you got the laugh.
Yeah.
That was nice.
But I was like, yeah, man, I'll just advance me one round.
It would have helped my road money would have gone up.
He didn't know you personally.
Yeah, I think he did.
Really?
He wrote on strip poker, the game show I hosted.
Yeah.
He wrote on that show?
Yeah, he wrote.
He did some jokes on it.
He just came in and wrote some jokes on it.
So he knew who I was.
Oh, that's disappointing.
So disappointing.
I mean, this is a nice interview he's doing.
This was going to be me saying nice things about him.
And then you do that.
And then that happens.
That's too bad.
That's unfortunate.
It is unfortunate.
That's unfortunate.
So it just goes to show you.
I didn't mean to drop a bomb on this.
There's lots of different sides.
Everybody has to see crimes and misdemeanors.
Everybody's got a dark side.
But I respect him for saying this on his show.
So this is awesome that he's saying this.
This is awesome that he's saying this.
Because he's right about this.
And here we go.
Let's listen to what else he says.
So for idiots, it's an easier time because you go, well, that guy's the idiot, not me.
But if you try to do smart comedy, it's better to stay away from stay away from Trump, you know.
So what do you think?
I'll tell you what I think.
You want to tell me what you think first about that?
I think he's hitting.
He's on to a truth.
He's dead on.
And this is the thing.
And we've all, I mean, the three of us have talked about this off camera is just in Los Angeles, we've seen so many comics who don't have anything to say.
They're not talking about the.
Oh, god damn it.
I know.
And they got one.
They got one Trump joke.
Oh, the Trump with the orange skin.
I'm like, okay, what got us here?
Like, no one is willing.
I mean, I saw Tim Black post on Twitter.
He goes, I'm so sick of listening to these late night comics act like Obama years were so great.
And it's like, you know, that's why, honestly, I'm not trying to jam a plug in here.
That's why Ron and I decided to do a progressive comedy tour because there's so much material I can't do in a regular comedy.
I can, but like, if I go after the Democrats and their corruption in LA, I'm gonna, you know, people are gonna, and it's like, it's like this show is the only place I can make these jokes and my own show.
Well, I will say this, Graham.
I did at your podcast festival, um, I did the stand-up show that you guys had.
I was on it, and I went up after a couple of comedians had done that.
Right.
Talked about how much they hated Trump and that he was the problem.
And MSNBC's great.
MSNBC was great and all that stuff.
Yes, that literally was a comedian saying how much they loved Rachel Maddow and MSNBC.
And so I went up and I couldn't, you know, I guess that's why I'm a comedian.
I couldn't not say something.
So I went up and I did that bit about, you know, everybody's talking about the Muslim band.
You know, Barack Obama bombed them.
That's why they're coming to the United States.
That's why Trump's banning them because Barack Obama just spent eight years bombing them.
What did you have to do?
Bomb them at the airport for people to get pissed off.
And people applauded that.
But that's also a different crowd.
Your podcast festival is not a regular comedy club crowd.
That's an elevated cloud.
Yeah, that's a very well-informed.
I think a podcast audience, you have people who listen to ideas, this podcast and conversations.
They're not just getting sound bites and getting your information from MAMES or like the New York Times Twitter feed.
They're listening to comedians have reasonable debates.
Right.
Not corporate media, you're red, I'm blue, fight.
But like in this long-form digital content of podcasts and YouTube, we can sit there and go, oh, that's, I didn't realize that.
Oh, I changed, you changed.
Oh, that's, I hadn't considered that.
Right.
You can't say that on CNN.
No.
So I think that's why in that context, those types of audiences, when you find those little islands, they're so, the first time I was on your show at Flappers, I mean, it changed my life because I feel like I'm insane just yelling into my phone for my political vigilante show sometimes.
And then that crowd, I was like, oh, they're out there and they're so smart.
That's what Norm McDonald's talking about.
Yeah.
And we were talking right before we came in, we were talking about how it's weird hearing comedians in Los Angeles talk about the homeless.
Oh, my God.
And, you know, Graham pointed out, he goes, how about you take five seconds and say, why are there more homeless people than ever before?
I know.
What's the problem?
Instead of like just the awful stuff that they say about homeless, as if they have no empathy, and that's cool.
So there's bad news for the Democrats.
And so after they lost to Trump, after they lost to Trump, they were asked, wow, this is a pretty big failure.
You guys are wiped out at the state level.
You lost a thousand seats.
Nancy Pelosi under her leadership.
They're wiped out.
They lost the Congress.
They lost the Senate.
And they just lost to Donald Trump.
So you'd think, wow, but a lot of big changes.
You know, we realize we're doing something wrong.
Obviously, we lost to Trump.
And so we're going to, we got a lot of big plans.
Well, this is what this is what you said.
The Democratic Party is in a moment of questioning about its identity.
You were re-elected to lead the Democrats in the House.
What do you tell Democrats who want a new direction?
And then go to you.
What are you going to do differently?
Well, I don't think that people want a new direction.
Our values unify us in our value.
So people don't want a new direction.
So that's their plan.
And guess what?
More of the same.
Guess what?
So you keep giving people more.
Fuck you.
That's what she's saying to you is fuck you.
No, we're not changing.
I'm worth $100 million.
We're not changing.
Well, guess what?
Exclusive.
This is a Reuters poll.
Exclusive Democrats lose ground with millennials.
This is a Reuters Ipsos poll.
The online survey of more than 16,000 registered voters, ages 18 to 34, shows their support for Democrats over Republicans for Congress slipped by nine percentage points over the last two years.
So since Trump has been elected, the Democrats have slipped nine percentage points to a 46% overall.
And they increasingly say, meaning millennials, increasingly say the Republican Party is a better steward of the economy.
Because the Democrats aren't offering them anything.
At least the Republicans passed a tax cut, which they fooled some people was good for them.
At least they did something.
The Democrats have nothing.
The Democrats are doing nothing.
I literally just watched Joe Madden, the head coach of the Chicago Cubs.
Cubs lost 11-2 last night.
Regular season game.
You know what he said in the press conference?
We played bad baseball.
It's not good.
We got to change things.
It would be as though they lost 11-2.
And he went, I thought it was a great game.
I thought we're doing great.
And I'm glad the bullpen blew it.
Yeah, we're going to run the same people tomorrow.
We're going to play the same people.
My pitcher's arm is really tired.
I'm putting him back in there.
And I don't think anything needs to change.
No, I think the lineup is for we got the weakest hitter hitting cleanup.
Why not?
This is our theory.
We got guys playing bad defense, blowing plays.
I want them to keep doing that.
You know what?
I do want to add.
I'm just curious.
I was wondering if this 18 and 34-year-old group of millennials that they interviewed, did they understand what steward of the economy meant?
Because seriously, how could you ever arrive at the conclusion that Republicans are a better steward of the economy?
Aren't we in a war?
Oh, I'll tell you.
How many wars are we in that the Republicans led us into?
Go ahead, Johnny.
Okay, well, because the Democrats support all those wars, the Democrats just voted to give $200 a billion dollar extra on our $80 billion extra a year to the military because the Democrats are complicit.
Hillary Clinton voted for the Iraq war stuff.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama did Libya.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama did Syria.
That's why the Democrats are a shitty steward of the economy.
Barack Obama was there for eight years.
People's lives got worse.
That's why.
I question this poll because I've heard a lot of other polls where millennials are all going socialist.
And I think this is the capitalist machine going, just keep playing this goddamn bullshit ping pong between these two parties when the reality is, is millennials are saying we're socialists.
There's millennials, there's candidates running as socialists.
Socialists.
And they're not hiding it.
They're not, well, I'm a little, they don't, they know.
no, no, I'm a socialist.
I'm with the DSA.
And I think that's what I question.
And Virginia's outright socialist one.
In a red state.
Beat the number, I think, the number three Republican in the state.
Republicans are losing to socialists.
Yes.
And red districts and red districts.
The biggest expansion of socialist organizations is in the state of Texas.
Yes.
The reddest state out there.
So to me, I question Reuters saying, oh, they're all the framing of it and how they spell.
Like they didn't put socialism on this thing as a choice.
They said, if you're done with the Democrats, you're going to go the other party.
You know what I mean?
And now they, but what also, Steph, is to answer your question about why people would pick their, because I don't know if you see the Democrats have been hand in hand with George Bush's White House ever since before Donald Trump got elected.
They're in bed with people like David Frum, David Frum.
They can't keep him off MSNBC.
He's on almost every time I turn it on.
There's David Frum, David From, who led us into the Iraq war.
Now they bring him on because he makes fun of Trump.
Let me tell you something.
David From is a cancer on humanity, and he is a moral superior of no one.
No one, including Trump.
David Frum and George Bush are the moral superior of no one.
So that's probably another reason because they see these Republicans cozying up with the corporate Democrats.
Although nearly two of three young voters polled said they do not like Republican President Donald Trump, their distaste for him does not necessarily extend to all Republicans.
And you know why?
Because the Democrats are saying that the regular Republicans are okay.
It's just Donald Trump is especially bad.
We like all they want to impeach him and get Mike Pence.
Because the Democrats have said, I don't know if you remember we reported this that in the election last year, the down ballot Democrats implored Hillary Clinton to please stick Donald Trump to the rest of the Republicans.
And she did the exact opposite.
She said he's a special case.
I'll look, I'm friends with Henry Kissinger and George Bush and Nancy Pelosi is saying, oh, we long for the days of George Bush.
That's so they're saying there's so they're letting the Republicans off the hook.
The Democrats are.
And that's why this happens.
That's why they don't think that Trump is a Republican.
They don't make that connection because the Democrats, in their idiocy and stupidity, have let the Republicans off the hook.
I said before the election, if this happens, they have to stick the Republicans to Trump like glue.
And they did.
They've been doing the exact opposite, pretending like it's just Trump is our problem.
It's just Trump and Russia.
And if we can get rid of them, if we could just get back to the days of George Bush, baby, that's what the Democrats are doing.
And that's why that.
That's why that.
It's nobody else's fault but the Democrats.
I agree 100%.
You are 100% right that they did not stick Donald Trump to the Republican Party.
And it's like he is their Republican nominee who's now our president, everybody.
He's a Republican.
He's a Republican.
And they were like, no, they're in bed with Max Boot, Hillary Clinton's campaign.
Remember all the neocons she had?
Yeah, you do.
And we've talked about this, Jimmy, that Trump puts the ugly face on the Republican Party, that they wanted like, oh, yes, and the horrible stuff that our country's been doing.
Well, here's a little bit more to this article from Reuters.
Terry Hood, who's 34 and an African-American who works at Dollar General Store in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and took this year's poll, said he voted for Democrat Hillary Clinton in 2016's presidential election, but he will consider a Republican for Congress because he believes the party is making it easier to find jobs and he applauds the recent Republican-led tax cut because the Democrats have no plan for him.
The Democrats have no jobs plan.
They have no free college.
They have no health care.
They have nothing to offer.
Nothing except more of the same and more war.
More war.
It sounds strange to me to say this about the Republicans, but they're helping.
With even the small things, Hood said in a phone interview, they're taking less taxes out of my paycheck.
I noticed that.
So the trick that they're playing is working.
And the Democrats don't have a message.
Only 28% of those polled expressed overt support for Republicans in the 2018 poll, about the same percentage as two years earlier.
But that does not mean the rest will turn out to back Democrats.
The survey showed.
A growing share of voters between ages 18 and 34 said they were undecided would support a third party candidate or not vote at all.
So what the Democrats are still doing and Hillary voters are still doing is trying to shame you to vote for Democrats.
Bill Maher is trying to shame you.
Like it's your responsibility to vote for a corporatist warmonger, not that corporatist warmonger's responsibility to come get your vote.
They have it exactly backwards, which is why we got Trump.
No, it's up to the Democratic Party.
It's up to the candidate to campaign for votes if you don't have enough.
You're not owed anyone's vote.
People can vote their conscience and are going to.
So now what's your plan?
Your plan is to let it happen again, lose to Donald Trump again, lose to the Republicans again, and then we're going to voter shame, which is the most disgusting tactic ever.
By the way, it's a losing tactic.
You can't voter shame into somebody to get off their ass and go vote.
People just don't show up to vote.
You know, half the country doesn't vote.
Yet you're still wagging your finger at people who voted for Jill Stein.
Nobody wags their finger at somebody who voted for Gary Johnson.
Nope.
Even though he took away more votes from Trump than Jill Stein took from Hillary Clinton.
The shift away from Democrats was more pronounced among white millennials who accounted for two-thirds of all votes cast in that age group in 2016.
Two years ago, young white people favored Democrats over Republicans for Congress by a margin of 47 to 33.
That gap vanished this year with 39% supporting each party.
And what did Nancy Pelosi say?
I don't think people want to change.
People don't want to change.
One more.
The shift was especially dramatic among young white men who two years ago favored Democrats, but now say they favor Republicans over Democrats by a margin of 46 to 37 percent.
Way to go, Democrats.
You lost to Trump and you still are losing ground.
That's how bad the Democrats are.
I'm not making this up.
So again, I don't know what Bernie thinks he's doing, but he should be starting a third party right now.
Him, Tulsi Gabbard, Nina Turner.
I would wish they would start a third party right now.
It would instantly become the most popular party in the country.
There would be a groundswell.
It would be one of the most dramatic political shifts in this country in the last hundred Years and the Democrats would go the way of the Whigs.
Yes, they would.
They'd be gone.
It would be like when the new little Republican Party started after around the Civil War times.
It would be like that with this guy, this upstart Abe Lincoln.
It would be like that.
Even the Republicans, Graham, know that they need to move left.
There's a guy, Richard Painter, that guy who talks like this.
Bush's ethics lawyer.
That guy, we've made fun of him a million times.
He's now running as a Democrat in Minnesota for Al Franken's old seat.
And you know what he says?
He's not taking corporate money.
He favors public financing of elections.
He wants everyone to have health care.
Yeah.
He's to the left of the Democratic Party.
A Bush White House lawyer is now left of the Democrats.
That's how bad the Democrats are.
That's how bad they are.
Oh, the Honorable Jeff Sessions is on the line.
I wonder if he wants to arrest me for smoking pot.
James Doer Esquire, please accept my condolences over your recent hernia operation.
I hope it's not too painful.
And yes, I do want to arrest you for smoking pot.
So you don't remember when your President Donald Trump said drug makers were getting away with murder by charging high prices for life-saving medications?
Sweetheart, when the president said drug makers were getting away with murder, he meant it as a compliment.
He meant it like patients are getting a haircut on this deal, or we're making a big killing, or we're thinning out the HUD, or let's eliminate the weak and feed their remains to the sausage industry, stuff like that.
See?
But what are people with opioid addictions to do?
They can do what they've always done, become cops.
Hey, you know there's a lot more to that phone call, but we don't have time in today's podcast.
How do you hear the entire phone call?
You got to become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Today's show was written.
That's right, it was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Ron Placone, Step Semarano, and Mark Van Landowick.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
That's it for this week.
you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Don't freak out.
Do not, do not, do not.
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