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Feb. 4, 2017 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:05:21
20170204_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_2-3-17
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Door Show.
Oh, hang on.
This portion of the Jimmy Door Show is brought to you by the Malibu Center for Despair.
Seriously bummed out because of that thing your mom did when you were 11?
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Our opulent 67-acre campus located on the schmancy shores of the Pacific is the perfect environment for you to forget about the shortcomings associated with a lack of character-building adversity so you can focus on what's really important.
The unfair life of only getting most of what you want.
The Malibu Center for Despair will pay attention to you.
Unlike your dad, who is always golfing with his business associates.
It's the best self-absorption money can buy.
Yes, every day is a pity party at the Malibu Center for Despair.
Now back to the Jimmy Dore Show, already in progress.
Now back to the Jimmy Dore Show.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to pop in your T-Value.
It's Jimmy Dore.
This guy needs no introduction.
Please welcome to the stage, Jimmy Dore.
Hello, everybody.
Thank you.
Guy's going to stand up.
I'm going to shake his head.
He's like, no one else is going to stand.
I'm going to stay standing.
A lot of people stand up after the show.
I do it before the show.
Who has a dog?
I have a dog, and he's a rescued dog.
And people always thank you.
I look at it like a free dog.
That's how I look at it.
You can pay for a dog.
You get a freeway.
I'll take the free dog.
It's not like the paid ones are better.
I go, I'm glad I paid for you.
No.
My dog is little tiny.
It's a brownie.
I call him Brownie because he's all brown and I'm a writer.
Sorry.
I was talking to a guy.
He said he had a pit bull.
He goes, I have a blue pit bull.
And I go, holy shit, I didn't know there were blue pit bulls.
And he goes, no, he's gray.
I go, why do they call him blue?
And he said, it's blue-nosed.
I go, oh, the nose is blue.
He goes, no, it's black.
What the.
My dog's brownie because he's fucking brown.
LAUGHTER Anyway, but Brownie wasn't feeling good, so I had to take him to the vet.
And first of all, I took him to the dog park, whatever, because he's nervous.
He's jumpy, he's little.
So they go take him to socialize him, which is a big mistake.
Because all the other dogs are well-trained, and Brownie won't do a goddamn thing I tell him to do.
He won't.
I'll tell him to sit.
He does this.
You ever see a dog give you the half sit?
What the?
So I'm like, come on, Brownie.
Sit he's like.
It's like this farther.
Just go this farther.
And I just get, and I just give him a treat anyway, you know, because I don't need that kind of tension in the house.
So we go to this damn dog park, and all the other dogs are doing everything.
Oh, sit, Fluffy.
Oh, I'll sit.
I'm double sitting.
And Brownie's not doing a goddamn thing.
So I just, I just decided whatever Brownie's doing at the moment, I'm going to pretend like I told him to do it.
So all the other dogs are sitting all night.
So I'm like, that's run around like a maniac, Brownie.
There you go.
Nip at the kids.
Nip at the kids.
Yep.
Shit right there.
Shit right there.
There you go.
Good boy.
All right, let's get this show going.
All right, you guys ready to get the show going?
Thank you.
Right now, I'm going to bring you the stage.
I'm always happy when this gentleman is in town.
We'd like to have him on the show.
He gives another perspective.
I hope everyone's respectful.
This gentleman, he's from Ohio's 27th district.
He's a congressman.
He's a Republican congressman from Ohio's 27th district.
Representative Richard Martin is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Richard.
I was just enjoying a cup of Sanka, and you were?
Yeah.
Had to put it down in a hurry.
Oh, I'm all tangled back here.
This is unions.
This is unions.
Don't worry.
How are you, Richard?
Is this what the proletariat looks like?
Yeah.
It's a little greasy.
It's a little greasy.
So I thought, you know, I'd come by, give our point of view.
Yeah.
Because I know you have your lives.
And I thought I'd come by and let you know how we do in Ohio.
Well, listen, I wanted to ask you, could you go to the inauguration?
It was just fantastic.
Yeah?
The, you know, the music was the.
You know, you had next door down.
Those young gentlemen can rock and roll.
The next door down.
They.
Next door down?
The kids next door.
What are they?
What are they called?
Three doors down.
That's there.
Yeah.
But they, oh man, I danced my loafers off there.
Yeah, fortunately, they had some hired hands to tell us where the beat was.
But it was a lot of, it was a lot of fun.
There was.
I think my favorite performer might have been the captain and Teniel cover band.
I didn't know there was such a thing.
Oh, yeah.
Well, oddly, it was just one guy, which was...
Muskrat Doug.
Muskrat Doug just really, he knew how to slow things down.
He knew how to.
I love that moment in the slow dance when you look across the dance floor and you see, you know, like have you ever seen a little girl dancing with her daddy and she's got, you know, her feet on his feet and, you know, he's moving for both of them.
Seeing Steve Bannon do that with Andy Breitbart was.
And Andy must have been lost in the moment because his head was back just looking at the stars.
Too much?
No, no, no.
You paint a picture.
You know, there were so many, so many good things.
Toby Keith.
Toby Keith.
He was there?
You know, I just love somebody that can communicate through song the importance of drinking beer to let people know that you're not gay.
It's so reassuring.
But yeah, we had a good time.
Yeah.
We had a good time.
there was so much room to dance.
Ha!
Yeah.
Yeah.
The couple next to us actually disappeared over the curvature of the earth.
That's a science joke.
That is a science joke.
I didn't know you guys believed in that.
That's the only, that's the only time we believe in it.
Yeah.
So now, can I ask you about Rick Perry?
No, he's the choice for Secretary of Energy.
Is that a good idea?
Oh, no, no, that's where you're wrong.
Because with a department as important as that, you need a really, really, really fresh set of eyes.
And it was between him and a newborn.
But we didn't want to pay for daycare.
Crowds Crowds started to take some of this seriously.
Oh, why won't they pay for daycare?
I'm all for a good laugh, but daycare's apart.
Now, I want to talk to you about the executive order to ban Muslims.
It had sparked a lot of outrage.
It's being called unlawful.
Does any of that bother you?
No.
You know, I mean, let's, can we get honest about Muslims?
Yeah?
They look weird.
They got names that are hard to pronounce.
Their music is horrible.
Their sound system is terrible.
They pray five times a day and they don't even have nice houses.
I don't pray at all and I'm rich.
Have you ever seen a nice Muslim front lawn?
No, pride starts at the curb.
It ends at the rec room.
What kind of an animal doesn't play bumper pool?
And, you know, they kill innocent civilians, the Muslims.
The Muslims do?
Yeah.
Why would you kill innocent civilians and not take their natural resources?
It makes no sense.
I don't trust them.
I don't trust them.
But I'm more afraid of Planned Parenthood than I am.
You are?
ISIS.
Oh, yeah.
Why?
Why are you afraid of Planned Parenthood?
ISIS doesn't try to sell the heads.
Oh, come on.
I'm with them on this one.
I'm going to take that one seriously.
All right.
All right.
Okay.
So let's.
So I hear you want to.
Is it true you want to demolish the Statue of Liberty?
I do.
I do.
It's, you know, if you think it just, it attracts dirtbags.
It does.
If you think of the United States as a high school party, the Statue of Liberty is a keg.
You know, first some dirtbag comes in, then they send for their friends.
I just don't like it.
And she seems a little lesbian, doesn't she?
No.
The way she's dressed, very dowdy.
Very dowdy.
She's French.
Well, there you go.
Probably got hairy armpits under that drape.
Now, you've started building a wall.
Is this seriously?
Amen.
Amen.
Is this seriously how we should be spending our money?
And do you think it will even work?
Absolutely, because I don't ever see the invention of the shovel.
I don't foresee anybody ever creating a ladder, which is weird that I know the name of what it is, yet it hasn't been invented yet.
So you're saying if someone invents a shovel in the future, they could go under the wall.
It's conceivable, but the technology involved in digging a hole is really only held by a few.
But, you know, Mexicans make two things.
tortilla's in trouble Now, I don't know any, but they seem like trouble.
Satire.
So I want to ask you about our trade agreements.
Can I talk to, because most people agree the way Trump pulled out was a little crazy.
What do you think about our trade agreement?
I think he did it exactly right.
You know, these other countries want to destroy our economy.
And what we said to them is, no, we're going to destroy our arcana.
You know, like in Roadhouse, that fellow that breaks the beer bottle over his own head, that's a tough guy.
And that's who we need to be right now.
So, so, So it's hard to believe you're in Congress.
So you think someone as erratic as Trump is going to be good for the economy?
Oh, absolutely.
He already is.
But of course, you liberals don't want to admit it.
Oh, yeah.
Construction is booming.
You want to focus on the fact that it's bunkers that are being built.
The real estate market is taken off, but of course you want to focus on the fact that it's in Canada.
But he's just a bright guy.
Thick skin.
Even-tempered.
Thinks things through and has a tremendous sense of closure.
and you know, he's courteous to a fault.
He is.
Sometimes I wish he'd just speak his mind.
He can.
He's always got that filter on, that nice guy.
It does.
Listen to the orange filter.
Yeah.
Now, I noticed that you voted, you voted to cut welfare benefits again while voting to increase oil subsidies.
Can you explain those two things?
Well, yeah, last time I checked, my car didn't run on poor people.
Now, the homeless, while oily, don't fit into a gas tank.
You know, what do you want me to build an offshore hobo platform?
You see, you liberals, you live in a fantasy world.
You think it runs on yoga and rainbows.
It doesn't.
It runs on oil and the exploited labor of poor people.
Representative Richard Martin, let's give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.
It takes a very nice guy to play that big of a dick.
Yes.
Coming to the stage right now.
Young lady, we're very glad to have her on the show.
You could catch her this weekend.
She'll be on NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.
Let's hear it for the very funny Helen Hong, ladies and gentlemen.
Ellen.
Hi, hi.
What's up, bitches?
Now, Helen, now I'm fresh off the march.
Did anybody go to the airport march this weekend?
A couple people.
A couple people.
Fewer of you than I would have hoped.
You and I did a video together for Bernie Sanders.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What a hero.
So now you are a typical sexist Bernie bro.
Yes.
I'm a disgusting, privileged white guy.
Bernie broke.
I actually got into a fight this weekend on Facebook because I wore a Bernie t-shirt to the airport protest, and I took a really proud picture.
I was like, look what I'm wearing in the airport protest.
And some bitch was like, Helen, that is really divisive, and we really don't need that right now.
And it's really rubbing salt in the wound.
And I wanted to, I mean, I'm a loving, you know, Bernie, all-inclusive.
I wanted to punch this bitch in the cunt.
I'm going to honor her.
I was like, bitch, no, you're enemy.
I ain't it.
Okay, like, we are, for better or for worse.
We're on kind of the same flat right now, which is to take down this orange piece of shit.
So let's get it together.
Let's go to them rally.
But Bernie is.
I, on the other hand, am that woman's enemy.
Yeah, Jimmy.
Jimmy definitely wants to punch her in the cunt.
That is not what I would do.
I'm a gentleman.
I do not do that.
He would never.
I put those words in his mouth.
I would just give her a stern talking to.
I would give her a stern talking to right in the.
I'm old-fashioned.
I believe a gentleman should backhand a woman in the contest.
That's...
No.
By the way, I love your outfit.
God bless.
Where'd you get it?
I got it at, there's a store.
It's called The Man.
We need to reaffirm something, huh?
It's good, isn't it?
Yeah.
You like the pleats?
Pleats are good because it tells somebody I'm such a go-getter.
I'm creating things to iron.
Well, Helen, thank you so much for being on the show.
Thanks for showing up and having me.
Thanks for being a progressive right now.
Come to the stage.
Hilarious guy.
You've heard him on this show on the Jimmy Door show.
You might have heard him on his own very successful podcast, which was chosen by the Guardian newspaper as one of the top 10 podcasts of 2016.
It's the Dollop podcast, and it's Dave Anthony.
Let's hear it for Dave Anthony, ladies and gentlemen.
Yay!
Hi.
Hi, Dave Anthony.
Hi.
How are you?
How are you enjoying everything?
Oh, it's great.
I also went to the protest.
Yes.
And you're at an airport, and no one is fucking screaming at you.
Get the fuck out of there.
Everyone's like, yeah, man.
There was no one that was looking, even looking at us angry.
They couldn't get to their cars, and they're all like, it's cool, man.
What are you doing?
And then you go home and you look at the internet and Rob Lowe, little fucking Weasley shit fuck.
He tweets, oh, this is great.
I'm just watching old ladies and little kids drag their bags across an airport.
No, you're not.
It's because he's rich.
He was like, I don't want to fucking work to Subulveda.
Where's my limo?
Yeah, there was nobody.
If there was an older person, someone was helping.
Like everyone was helping each other out except rich asshole Rob Lowe.
You forgot that he also has to drag his saxophone.
Oh my God, that was such an old joke.
It's a good one.
But half of the audience is like, I have no idea what's happening.
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
You can play a saxophone.
I don't get St. Elmo's fire.
St. Elmo's Fire.
You remember from 1970, Burr.
God bless.
That sounded exactly like it.
They actually do.
Right now, California gives a tax break if you buy a second home.
They do.
Is that true?
Yeah, they really do.
If you buy a second home, you get a tax break.
Because you want to encourage second homeowning.
Wow.
Wow.
That makes me want to punch everyone in the country.
Wow.
They're thinking about getting rid of it, though, because, you know.
I hope you live long enough to experience having a second home unoccupied with the air conditioning on 65.
It's almost sexual.
Coming to the stage right now, everybody's favorite miserable liberal.
Let's hear it for Steph Zamorano, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi, Stephanie.
Thank you.
Hello, or should I say, Ola, Jaime?
Yes.
Ola means eight, right?
Yes, it does.
Sure, it does.
You know what?
I know Helen went to the march.
I went also, I went to the march at the Burbank Airport.
I couldn't find one refugee.
I know.
We're there.
I'm like, I'm like, where's the flight from Iraq?
Where is that fucking flight?
And don't you hide those people.
And I'm like, where's the rest of the protesters, right?
There's nobody.
There was nobody there.
It was just me and Steph at Burbank.
We were keeping it real.
We protested our ass off.
We did.
We did.
I also went to the Ladies March.
I don't know if it's called Ladies' March.
Women's March.
Women's March.
Yeah.
You know, I went to that downtown L.A. And every time I bumped into somebody, it was like, oh my God, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
That happened at the airport.
Really?
I bumped into a cop and he's like, I'm sorry.
I'm like, no, I'm sorry.
I'm like.
No, but everyone was like, so even the cops are like, how are you?
I'm good.
There were so many people to run into at the women's march because it wasn't, it shouldn't have been called the women's march.
I mean, it should have just been called like, if you're not an asshole march, right?
I mean, there were so many people there.
Yes.
Stand by the market.
I did the women's march in Indianapolis because I had a gay at a road gig.
I was playing at the comedy club in Indianapolis, and I was like, damn it, I'm not going to be able to march with my homies in D.C. or LA.
But then 10,000 people showed up on the steps of the Indiana State House.
And I ripped off a couple of jokes about Pence on the steps of his own fucking statehouse.
And 10,000 people laughed.
Yeah, fuck them.
They're all like, why are you marching?
Because you're saying it like that.
That's why.
I bet Hillary Clinton is outraged that President Trump is going to continue building the Keystone pipeline she never opposed.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I got a hold of Trump's inauguration speech, and I thought I was reading his whole speech until I discovered it was just an Arby sandwich wrapper.
Hey, do you know the Clintons attended the inauguration for him, but they wouldn't attend the march for her?
Can we shit can these people yet?
Hey, 14 Democrats voted to confirm Trump's pick to lead the CIA, who supports torture.
Can we shit can these people yet?
You know.
Can I just say a little torture never hurt anybody?
I think that's the definition of torture.
It has to hurt or else it's not.
So Democrats might actually have a chance against Trump's ongoing corporate if they just weren't Democrats.
That's what it turns out.
You know, it can't be a circular firing squad if the people firing at you were never on your side to fucking begin with.
How about that?
Calm down, kids.
If we went around punching every Nazi we saw, we wouldn't have the wonderful missile program we used to kill civilians.
But do you realize that those missiles do occasionally hit the person that we want?
Or at the very least, their families, so they get upset.
Exactly.
You know, Trump said that he wants to kill the families.
Was he just terrorists?
He just did.
Yeah.
I don't think that goes far enough.
I think we need to kill their Facebook friends.
Not before we unfriend them.
We're not animals.
How about if somebody just takes a shot at Mark Zuckerberg?
How about that?
Fuck, his run for the presidency is already horrifying.
It's already.
Holy fuck.
Thumbs up.
I'm out here working with some kids in the field, getting to know people.
He's actually doing that.
He's taking pictures of him out in the field of guys like, we're pulling up twigs.
I'm from Facebook.
It's fucking crazy.
It's really awesome.
Yeah, he's get on board.
I don't know.
I think it's time America gave a chance to somebody who has no morals in a touch of Asperger's.
laughter laughter laughter laughter First, we're going to talk about the Muslim ban because it happened.
So this is in Washington, D.C., and it said it's outside the Trump Hotel heading toward the Capitol.
Never seen this kind of thing in D.C. Crowd keeps coming and coming, growing bigger and bigger.
Look at that.
So I remember, it was weird.
I remember hearing a comedian predict that Donald Trump would awaken the left and desired.
Wait, wait.
That's weird.
Was that when I was on your show?
I seem to recall a guy named Sam Cedar saying you were crazy.
I don't follow sports.
I don't know who that is.
Thank you so much.
So get this.
So Michael Moore tweeted this out.
It said to our Muslim neighbors in the world, I and tens of millions of others are so very sorry the majority of Americans did not vote for this man.
And then I responded, but totally cool with bombing the shit out of you for the last eight years, though.
Right.
Yeah.
And that wasn't, that wasn't aimed at Michael Moore.
Michael Moore, I'm sure, was protesting all the horrible shit that Obama did.
I'm hoping he did.
I'm sure he did.
I meant that as us as a country that were okay, and I didn't.
Because remember how shitty we are, though.
So under Barack Obama, we bombed the shit out of those countries.
And as soon as everybody, as soon as Trump goes, hey, we shouldn't have let those people in.
People are like, are you a maniac?
What kind of a monster bombs people and then doesn't let them in?
Barack bombed them and then let them in.
Some.
Turns out he didn't.
We're going to get to that.
But let's remember how horrible of an administration we had.
What kind of warmongers.
There's no anti-war party in America.
There's no up.
There isn't.
None.
There's two parties.
There's two parties of war.
There is one, the Democratic Socialists of America.
That's the greatest.
Of course, the Greens.
Right now, Trump is just letting people know all the shit we've been doing.
We've been bombing those people.
How come people aren't upset that we've been bombing the fuck out of those people?
And you can't.
We use cluster bombs in Yemen.
Yes.
We give billions of dollars in cluster bombs to fucking Saudi Arabia, which we manufacture in this goddamn country.
Jimmy, there's no protest because we make war crimes happen right here at home.
Yes, go ahead.
Do you know how much money I'm making from it, though?
Yes.
Do you have any idea how energized the prosthetics market is?
I do appreciate that tip.
I did sink a bunch of money into the prosthetics.
Hashtag creating jobs.
It's all of our jobs whenever these fuckers talk about Trump to remind them and go, yeah, Obama did that.
Yeah.
Obama fucking did that.
That's right.
This has to happen all the time.
Obama did that, by the way.
Obama laid the fucking groundwork for this fucking Nazi to do everything.
By the way, right before Barack Obama left office, one of his last acts was, you know, it's illegal for the CIA to spy on Americans, right?
They do it all the time, but it's supposed to be illegal.
And then the church hearings in 77 talked about that.
And so what he did was his last act when he left was he made it okay for the CIA, Trump CIA, Pompeo, for Trump CIA to now look at the metadata that the NSA is collecting on everybody.
So now Donnie Tynehan's Trump and Steve Bannon has my emails and my texts and my fucking phone calls.
And any other activists or anybody else who tries to stand up against them, anybody who goes to North Dakota, anybody who goes to D.C. or Wall Street, Brock fucking Obama just gave them all of our information and he expanded it and he repealed habeas corpus.
Representative?
I didn't know I was a fan of his until now.
Wow.
Do people...
Did you guys?
What do the blacks say, my bad?
Yeah, my bad.
How is that funny?
I feel like you're not.
How is that fun?
How can I laugh at that?
Did you guys also know that Barack Obama bailed out the hedge fund rental owning companies?
On his way out the fucking door, he bailed out Blackstone, which is a teetering bubble nightmare that's about to collapse, and he did it on the secret.
So why is that a bad thing, Dave?
I'll tell you why that's a bad thing.
Because I can't afford a fucking house.
Dave can't afford a house.
And I was waiting for it to pop.
Not even a first house.
Talking about my third.
Because the third one, you can't get a tax break.
I'm trying to get my third.
Do you find that the even-numbered houses are more fun?
Well, you know what?
I'd like to know, Senator Richard Martin, how many houses do you have?
Well, you know, first of all, that's polite.
You don't hear me asking you how many abortions you've had.
And I bet my number's lower.
Oh, you fucking bitch.
Good luck selling a dead baby.
Zero.
I'm Baron.
Anyways, it's not a big deal.
So the reason why that's bad, we're going all over the place, but the reason why I took it another way.
I'm in the middle of a moment.
But not about the Blackstone thing.
I really can't afford a house.
By the way, Blackstone, and you saw me talk about it on the show, they were the ones who, before the election, wanted to take our retirement money, make it compulsory that you give it to them, and then they would invest it for you.
Blackstone.
And the guy said, I don't want to do that.
I mean, I'm set.
My kids are set.
I'm doing this because I want to help the country.
You're doing this because if you can get Americans' retirement money funneled straight into Wall Street, they'll build a fucking statue to you on Wall Street.
That's why.
And that's the same Jagoff who Barack Obama just bailed out.
And why is that bad?
That's bad because they were taking all the rent, the houses that were foreclosed on.
They bought them, turned them into rentals.
Turns out you can't run rentals like that that are all over the place by one centralized company.
So they couldn't keep them up.
They start lowering their value.
They're falling apart.
They're falling apart.
Barack comes and bails them out.
What does that mean?
That means that practice is going to keep going.
And artificially.
So why are our rents artificially high?
That's why.
Why are our housing prices artificially high?
That's why, because private equity jagoffs are buying up bulk properties, and Barack Obama's bail them out when they go tits up.
And that creates a barrier to the entry-level first-time homebuyer.
It keeps the prices artificially high.
Plus, they're called Blackstone.
It's the most evil name ever.
It is.
It is scary.
You know, I just need clarification.
Is tits up a bad thing?
It is if you're in water.
Got it.
Quick reminder, our next live show, February 20th.
It's coming up soon, February 20th.
It's a Monday.
It's at Flappers in Burbank.
So come get your tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
There's a link on the front page.
Tickets are 10 bucks.
We'll see you February 20th.
That's a Monday at Burbank, California, Flappers Comedy Club.
And guess what?
This is what I say.
Thanks to everybody who thinks about the Jimmy Door show.
When they buy something from Amazon.com, you know, we don't encourage anybody to shop on Amazon, but we say if you're going to shop at Amazon anyway, have some of that money go to a good progressive cause like the Jimmy Dore show.
It's real easy.
How does it work?
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on the Amazon boxes right on the front page.
It takes you to Amazon.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
That's it.
Nothing to it.
Doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon and it doesn't cost anything, but it's a big help to the show.
So thanks, everybody, who does that.
And now let's get to the second half of the show.
Now let's remember what this segment is about.
We're talking about the Muslim band.
Remember this?
This is how shitty are now.
You've seen me play this before.
This is a tape I like to play.
And it's Leon Panetta, and he's going to be asked about war.
And because this is what happened under the Barack Obama administration.
How many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
Oh, my God.
You got me.
You know what?
That's who we wanted to see at the Democratic National Convention.
People were like, how about the old CIA head?
That'll get the people fired up.
What the fuck?
Yeah, that's the guy.
Monster.
That's the guy who was the head of the defense.
I love that.
He was like, who knows?
Let's hear.
I want to play that again because it's kind of shit.
Are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
I'll have to stop and think about that because.
Because we're soulless pieces of shit who kill people we don't know.
I know.
The fact that he's giggling throughout the whole thing.
I think that's called an empire moment.
So now, people don't know.
Now everybody's jumping on the bandwagon.
Guys like that, he's trying to be pro-Muslim.
Right now, that guy who was fucking laughing about bombing seven different months.
Now he's four.
Now he's so Battle and Albright, also, by the way.
Now, if you remember Battle and Albright.
So when we did the sanctions against Iraq in the 90s, which lasted all the way to the Iraq war, by the way.
So we did sanctions on them, meaning that a bunch of people couldn't get their medicine.
They couldn't get food.
We were starving the Iraqi people.
Toughen them up.
And toughening them up.
Toughen them up a little bit.
And there were estimates by UNICEF that 500,000 Iraqi children died because of this embargo.
In fact, the two people who were in charge of it resigned because they said it was genocide, right?
And we kept fucking Bill Clinton, kept doing it, right?
We didn't stop doing it.
So here's Madeline Albright at the time asked about this when she was Secretary of State, and here's what she said.
We have heard that a half a million children have died.
I mean, that's more children than died in Hiroshima.
And, you know, is the price worth it?
I think this is a very hard choice, but the price we think the price is worth it.
Empathy.
So I got to agree with Madeline.
Hunger is nature's college.
So she says that the deaths of half a million children were worth it.
She's probably the only person that completely misinterpreted the hunger games.
You know, she also said that there's a special place in hell for women that don't help other women.
Remember that when she said that?
That's right.
Do you remember when she went up to North Dakota to help Jill Stein protest against the oh, I don't know?
Remember that time she went to help Jill Stein when she was strapped to a chair for eight hours?
I don't fucking remember her helping her do that.
But this, if they don't think that this doesn't seep in, and then when you play ads for fucking six months of kids sitting in front of a TV saying you don't want them to hear, talk about Donald Jump, if they don't think this isn't in people's unconscious, they're out of their fucking minds.
Right.
So now here, thank you, Dave, for that poignant moment.
Now, this is her today.
So in 96, she was okay with killing half a million kids because it's worth it.
But today, look, I was raised Catholic.
Oh, my God.
First of all, she was raised Catholic.
There's a group that's always looking on for kids.
Am I right?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Timmy.
Now, I can make that joke.
I was raised Catholic.
My parents were really Catholic.
Like, they almost molested somebody.
I'm sorry, they're hardcore Catholics.
I mean, Jimmy, that joke was so good.
Everybody's sphincter tightened.
That's how good that joke was.
That's what you do when you go into church.
So this is the kind of bullshit that drives me crazy to see someone like Madeline Albright all of a sudden pretend like she's not a fucking war criminal killing motherfucker.
That drives me nuts.
You don't get to all of a sudden now pretend like you're a progressive, decent human being who gives a shit about poor people in poor countries because you didn't then and you don't now.
Or give it some fucking time.
Or how about this?
Yeah.
I mean, the immediate switch of it is fucking maddening.
It's like you're not in reality.
Here's what David Sirota said.
Maybe now it's clear why MSNBCers, Democratic politicians, and liberal wonks should have been mad when Obama normalized a presidential kill list and mass surveillance.
Didn't they also...
Wasn't it?
Lauren, I hear Lauren Steiner's voice.
Is that who that is?
Hi, Lauren.
How are you, sweetheart?
Harry Reid did that?
But that was it during Obama's presidency?
I mean, that's why we're fucking with Rex Tillerson and Jeff fucking sessions now.
We can't even stop these moments.
Judge them until you've golfed with them.
Do not judge a man until you've walked a mile in his spikes.
Ha ha ha!
The Jimmy Doer show is brought to you by you.
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Yeah, right.
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Anyway, thanks for the dough.
Now back to the Jimmy Dore show.
already in progress.
I love the whimsical music.
It makes me feel like I'm in the 50s movie.
That is a terrific orchestra.
It is.
So people want to know what's wrong with the Democratic Party.
And I don't know, remember this?
This was from last summer.
Today at the DNC platform hearing, the committee voted for the TPP against a fracking ban, against a $15 minimum wage, and against a carbon tax.
So if you want to know, you can see.
Yeah, it really fired up the base, and the Democrats won.
Because that's all you heard.
That's all you heard from Democrats was, we want more fracking!
Like, everyone was out on the streets, frack, frack, frack.
And they did it for us.
What the Democrats did when they lost to Donald Trump, it really shook them up.
I mean, the political Democrats, the ones in power, they immediately snapped into action and they elected Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi as their leaders.
And then the rest of them, during the women's march, the rest of them went to Florida to meet with fucking David Brock and all his asshole friends.
So they really got the message.
I think they know what they're doing.
We need a fucking third party in this goddamn country, right?
So then this group called Our Political Revolution tweeted this out.
It says, not usually the types that throw around and blame, but if you didn't vote for Clinton because of her emails, today is partly your fault.
Wow.
Well, here's what Lee Fang said.
Lee Fang said, Dems putting forward an absurdly corrupt status quo politician, deeply hated by most of the country, seems even more foolish in retrospect.
To which we burners say, fucking duh.
It's like the Democrats, if they were a football team and they lost, they wouldn't blame the players or the coaches.
They blame the fans for not cheering loud enough.
Where were you?
Yeah.
at the ball and you guys were quiet.
I'm quiet!
I love how, by the way, I love how they call themselves political revolution.
What fucking revolution isn't political?
It's like redundant, am I right?
Yeah, I can't.
But her email.
Have you heard about her fucking Blackberry that she wouldn't turn off in the State Department and they had to leave meetings because they kept saying, turn off your fucking Blackberry.
You can't have a Blackberry because it could have, when you're in China, they could have.
Yeah.
It's not even the fucking emails.
It's the goddamn Blackberry.
It's the goddamn fucking problem.
She's walking around with a fucking Blackberry.
Now everyone's like, Trump's on his Android.
I'm okay.
Let me say this, Dave.
If you didn't vote for Hillary because of her emails, you probably are a loser because there are so many other good reasons.
Vote for her.
We're not usually the type to throw Ron Blaine, but here's who we want to blame.
Remember the grassroots movement that brought about a ton of political change because they were passive-aggressive and what they stood for?
Me neither.
It's a long joke.
I ran out of air.
Oh, look, here's what David Sirota says.
He says, if you blame Trump's rise on Susan Sarandon, not bigotry or establishment corporatism or D.C. elitism or the dem neoliberalism, then you should seek help.
APPLAUSE So the DNC got together to have a little talk, the people who want to be the head of the DNC.
And here's the first jagoff.
They're trying to figure out what the problem is.
A false choice is being laid at our feet, that there's a portrayal of this competition for chair as though it were a choice, as though we were a choice between one wing of the party and another, as though it would be a defeat for some Democrats and a victory for others.
That presentation is unfair to the candidates who are here.
We need to transcend that, get past that, and be united.
Yeah, the reason why you have an election is so someone wins and someone loses.
There's going to be a loser.
What?
That guy is definitely a swipe left.
Yeah.
I think he's a terrific robot.
Yes.
Can I get him at Hammaker Schlemmer?
Can we just unite behind the stuff that we've been saying?
The idea that there's going to be a loser or a winner in this election.
I don't see how that happens.
Everyone wins.
It'll be, that's what everyone win?
Everyone win?
What the fuck is this?
It's such mealymouth, typical bullshit.
Yes, someone is going to win.
And you know who's going to win in the DNC election?
The fucking corporations are going to win.
That's who's going to win.
So here they are trying to figure out what's wrong.
Here she is trying to figure out what's wrong with the Democratic Party.
The biggest mistake that the DNC made, not just in the 2016 election, but in all of the elections that I can think of before that, is not having an overarching identity message that as Democrats, we can be proud to stand under.
I've been doing work in Idaho, and one of the things that's killing us is the brand that Democrats have.
And unfortunately, that brand got even more damaged this year.
I was going to say they care too much about people.
Is that not?
You want to know what's wrong with the DNC?
Because they don't understand what's happening in the country.
They don't understand that we have the richest country the face of the earth has ever seen, but yet half of the people in it are rendered poor.
That's called a failed system.
You don't talk to your Democrats talking about how our system is failing and we need to fix the system.
Bernie Sanders said we needed a revolution.
Why?
Because we need a fucking revolution.
Thank you.
Jimmy, I don't know how many times I got to tell you there is no money and empathy.
So here's what's going on in the country that the Democrats don't even understand.
Corporate America doesn't even understand what's wrong with this.
So here's a Lyft driver.
They gave her the Golden Fist Bump Award.
Her name is Mary from Chicago.
Shout out to all the impressive Lyft parents out there, like Mary, a longtime Lyft driver who was still on the road at nine months pregnant.
Oh my God.
But contractions persisted.
She headed to the hospital, but not before accepting one last request.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, she's a worker.
The next morning, baby Maven Mia joined the Lyft family.
And doesn't have maternity care, so they're living in poverty.
Yes.
At least the small talk wasn't difficult during the drive to the hospital.
Am I right?
You know, I think if we have our way, not only will we bring more jobs, but every person will have four or five jobs.
So celebrating that this woman has to work like that while she's delivering a baby and celebrating that, that's like celebrating somebody who lives in the Sudan and has to walk 10 miles with a barrel on their head to get fucking water.
Isn't that great?
She walks 10 miles and get a fucking barrel of water.
Isn't that fucking great?
So that's what's wrong with the DNC.
It's not that their brand or their message is overarching and the people at Idaho.
It's none of that shit.
It's that you motherfuckers are in bed with the people you're supposed to be fighting against.
And so now you're fighting against the people you're supposed to be representing.
And can represent Wall Street and workers.
They are diametrically opposed.
You can't be in bed with Wall Street and workers.
And why is Chuck Schumer the leader?
Because he gets the most money from Wall Street and he gives it to his friends.
And that's why the Democrats are dead.
Here, even what's wrong with the DNC?
I don't know if you guys remember, but somebody had to resign in shame.
Her name was Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
And listen how it gets framed.
Listen how it gets framed on CNN, why she had to resign.
Listen to this.
He said that Trump is not a legitimate president because he says the Russians participated in helping Trump get elected.
And look, they didn't just help Trump.
Their hacking of the DNC cost you your job as chair of the DNC.
No.
No, what cost her her job was that she was cheating the progressive in the race in favor of the corporatist warmonger.
That's what cost her her job.
That's her.
And we've all got orange Joffrey now because of it.
All you have to say about these people, and this is the only argument you have to make.
You just say, these people, she was fighting for payday lenders who are, it's a legalized extortion racket that destroys lives.
That alone makes this party completely pointless.
I couldn't agree more.
And you know how, and that's not just bad.
They're preying on the most vulnerable people in our society.
That's how they want to make a buck, and she's going to stick up for them with the power of government.
You're absolutely right.
So people are sick of Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
And during the Democratic National Convention, she went to speak to the Florida congregation.
I don't know what that's what they call them.
What do they call them?
The Florida contingency, delegation, whatever.
She has her own church now.
And do you remember?
Do you remember how they greeted her?
I don't know if you remember how they greeted her.
All right, everybody, now, settle down.
Everybody, settle down, please.
Okay.
All right, we have a big program.
We have a big program today.
Let's hear.
Please be quiet so Debbie can speak.
Please.
Please.
Thank you all so much.
Thank you.
You know?
Guys, it was an alternative fact.
That scroll was alternative fact land.
In fact.
You know, you can go ahead and kick Debbie to the curb, but who are you going to find to make sure that there's never an even-handed discussion of Israel?
Oh, everybody.
Oh, that's true.
So that's what's wrong with the DNC.
That's what's wrong.
Oh, you know how CNN reported that?
That they were cheering for her.
That's how they report it.
If you like alternative facts.
So here is some more at the DNC.
They asked these people who want to be the chair if they put their thumb on the scale of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, what was wrong.
And here's what's going on.
Another show of hands question.
Who here believes that the DNC did unfairly put its thumb on the scale during the 26 primary?
Anybody?
That's a gotcha question.
I'm not sure.
I don't know if you heard that.
The woman said that's a gotcha question.
She goes, that's a gotcha, you know, a straightforward question that can't be spun.
That's a gotcha question.
At least nobody called it fake news.
That's what I was saying.
Wait, Keith Ellison didn't even?
Well, he knew he was going to be deported.
He is the closest we got that can run that thing.
It says a lot about our country.
That when they asked the DNC, hey, is it possible we could have a fair and free and open election that they plead the fifth?
Hey, they just cheated out half the party.
I can't say anything.
They cheated half your party and the guy who should have been president.
I can't.
I get a tick-a-lock.
I can't zip it.
That would be impolite.
And I don't know if our donors would appreciate if we said shit like that.
If they deflected that question so fast, you'd think it was the fucking public option.
LAUGHTER That's a thing where we all have insurance.
Oh, it's paid for by the government.
That always makes me laugh.
Okay.
I don't know why you guys think you need universal health care.
You can't even say it.
You can't even say it.
Well, because it's so loathsome to me.
It catches right up here, but you already have it.
It's called GoFundMe.
So guess what?
They asked Debbie Washerman Schultz this question.
Anything that Bernie could have won in hindsight?
I think that we need to move forward and focus on the future and make sure we can build on all the progress.
No, the answer is yes.
Yes, in hindsight, Bernie would have won.
Yes.
That's the answer.
But I guess.
Is it that hard of a question, Debbie?
The answer is fucking yes.
I talked to someone who worked on a staff, all of the Democratic staffers who have no black staffers at fucking all.
It's like 0.03% because they're awesome Democrats.
They talk about us like we're fucking morons.
And they have no idea that they're living in a castle and a bubble where the seven richest fucking counties are now around Washington.
And they literally talk about us like we're fucking morons.
They loathe us.
You should read what they said about Mexicans.
Which of her age?
Which of her aids cares for the sadness in her eyes?
I mean, somebody give her a tissue.
This lady has a cold.
Well, I love that she says we have to build on the progress that has been made.
What kind of upside-down world?
She lost a thousand fucking seats.
That's not progress.
That's called being wiped out.
You lost to Donnie Tynahits.
You lost.
Lost.
The whole fucking country is red.
We own like fucking four state houses and governorships, and we're going to lose.
Connecticut's gone because they've been so fucking corrupt up there that the best Democrat in the world could come out and they're going to vote him out.
Connecticut is gone.
We lost it.
Next time, they are totally conservative.
That state is out.
If we'd gotten six more seats, we would have had a thing that we like to call in the chamber a he-haw.
They are very close to being able to change the Constitution.
And by the way, Debbie, Debbie Wasserman Schultz from Florida, you lost Florida for Hillary.
Way to go.
Nice work.
The Democrats, they rigged their own primary, helped Donald Trump win the Republican primary, blamed Russia for getting caught, blame voters for low approval rating.
That's leadership that sucks.
But I cannot recommend enough just tweeting or put on Facebook.
Bernie would have won because they lose their little minds.
Oh my God, do they go API?
Wait, can I just take a moment to do a little PSA?
Burbankers, we have a city council election coming up.
You know that, right?
Okay, Burbank, municipal elections.
The primary is February 28th.
Hello.
Burbank municipal elections.
Get a vote over at Ikea.
Pay attention, people, because this is what we're talking about.
It's true.
We need to develop the farm team.
We storm the fucking barn.
You're talking about a progressives taking progressives.
They did in California for the Democratic delegates.
So do it all local.
Local, do it.
Ever do it.
Get people out for everything.
Take everything over.
Yeah, I mean, I'm for, I think the Democrats are probably too wrecked to fix, but I'm for people trying to fix.
Like, Jenk Uger's doing a justice that justice Democrat.
So they're going to primary corporate Democrats.
I say that's good.
That's all for it.
I'm going to work outside the system probably and do it another way, but I think it's all good.
Do we need all progressives doing what progressives do?
Right.
Right?
So we need Chris Hedges and Kassama Sawant doing their thing.
We need Ralph Nader doing his thing.
We need Jenk Uger doing his thing.
We need the Progressive Change Campaign Committee doing his thing.
We need Move On to do their thing.
And can I say a little pitch for the Democratic Socialists?
Because if you want people right now who are literally driving those protests, those are the fuckers who are getting people out on the streets.
Democratic Socialists.
They're active and they are sending out tweets and they're sending out texts and saying, hit the fucking street right now.
So if you want to get active, you want who's actually fighting the fucking Democratic Socialists are getting out there.
Yeah, but don't just follow them to the protests.
Follow them to the fucking voting booth.
Okay?
Because that's where it fucking counts.
So here's the last thing.
And if I could just drop the character for a second, and with your fucking wallet, that's once these companies wake up to what is happening.
They're psychopaths and they don't give a fuck about anything except money.
So use your money.
Delete your Uber app and then go online and then go online and make sure you delete your Uber account.
Because if you don't do that, they keep it.
Go on there and delete your Uber account and that's how you get rid of Uber.
Let's even send a message to the other companies.
Yeah, that's a thing.
Don't worry about Lyft.
We'll kill Lyft later.
Right now, right now, let's fucking kill Uber.
And then we'll go after Lyft.
And Wells Fargo, if you're banking with Wells Fargo, get the fuck out.
And I'll tell you right now, I will not buy one garment designed by Ivanka.
I'm going to.
Won't do it.
But Melania is beautiful.
You have to give it up.
All right, so she's fuckable in a corpsey sort of way.
So this is.
Corpsey.
I'm not attracted to those type of women.
I was never attracted to the Melania types.
They look like not human, right?
She looks like a she came.
As there's a guy, Jim Higgins used to say, they're too beautiful for any practical purpose.
So this is Jamie Harrison.
He's running for the DNC chair.
He works for a lobbying firm run by the John Podesta's brother.
Oh, they're great.
And if he's anything like John Podesta, his email password is 12345.
Yeah, and you know what's you know what's awesome about the the Podesta lobbying group because they do it together is that the day after the election the day after they were meeting with Trump yes so get they asked the question should they take should the DNC take corporate lobbyist money this is the question that they have to talk about and here we go lobbyists or corporations give us any money what are they gonna get from the DNC it's not like we have a vote in Congress we can't determine any laws what do
you fuck off like what are you talking about we're all adults so what do they get what do they get for the dnc for their money i guess it's a mystery i mean what what happened?
You've seen the way we vote.
Clearly, we're not being influenced.
And platforms have nothing to do with votes.
I wonder what the DNC would do if someone gave them a bunch of money.
I mean, I wonder if they would.
I mean, they don't vote.
So maybe, I don't know, would they probably, I don't know, favor the corporatist candidate over the progressive and try to kneecap him in any way bother?
I mean, I don't know if that would happen, but maybe that would happen.
But can I just say we need to get into these things?
And when someone says something like that, stand up and go, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Yes.
That's what you have to do because that's what the Tea Party did.
And that's how they got fucking control.
Scare the shit out of these assholes.
I mean, if we don't take corporate money, I mean, we might have been doing something foolish, like inspiring somebody like Bernie Sanders or something.
I don't know.
So here's one more.
Here is the same question.
If I do become DNC chair, I'm not going to impose a policy on anybody.
We're going to have a democratic process on how we arrive at funding the Democratic Party.
So he says we're going to vote.
And if we vote to be corrupt pieces of shit, then I guess that's what we're going to be because we're Democrats.
It's great that they want to do justice, Democrats, but that's a fucking bohemoth you got to take down.
And if you pull yourself out of the party and you say there's a shitload of us over here, what the fuck are you going to do?
They have to come to you.
So here's Tom Perez.
They ask him, Should we take corporate lobbying money?
This guy is corporate lobbying.
I don't like him.
Listen to this shit that he says.
Donald Trump is what we call a target-rich environment.
But, you know, what we can't do is we've really got to understand also that you don't go to a knife fight with a spoon.
So you know what that means?
You don't go to a knife fight with a spoon means we can't fight the Republicans without corporate money.
So we have to take the money from the same people they take money from, and then we'll be different.
That is such fucked up bullshit.
That's what got you, Donnie Tynehant.
That's what got you wiped out 900 seats coast to coast.
You lost to Congress.
You lost the Senate.
You lost the White House to a fucking reality star.
You fucking lost with this.
The whole idea.
The whole idea of getting in bed with Wall Street and Big Pharma and military is that we're going to have money to win.
But you have all the money.
Hillary outspent Donnie Tynehands two to one and you lost.
So that strategy is done.
It's just over with.
You don't go to a knife fight with a spoon.
Well, maybe if that spoon is held by a guy who doesn't take corporate money and a million other people are helping him like Bernie fucking Sanders, then maybe you win that fight.
That spoon becomes a grapefruit spoon.
Yeah.
Serrated edges, motherfucker.
Right.
And then you put your spoon in the grapefruit, you squirt it in the eye.
Fuck you.
And let me also say this: next time, if there's a guy that is bringing out thousands of people and they're running at someone who isn't, again, don't pick that guy.
That doesn't work because who wants enthusiasm?
Hey, can you believe there's even more?
There's more.
There's lots more.
And how do you get it?
You get the premium.
That's right.
It's a great way to help support the show that only costs $5 a month.
You pay for the whole year.
We give you a month.
Freak out.
It's less than a dollar.
That's it.
It's nothing.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, click join premium.
And when you make your donation, we'll send you an email with all this information you need to get at the premium stuff.
We're going to be adding premium videos soon, also.
So keep your eye out for that.
All right.
Guess what?
Our next show is February 20th.
Our next live show.
Our next live taping is February 20th.
Hope to see you there.
There's a link for tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com, right on the front page.
And that's, I guess we got to get going.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mark Van Landuit, Mike McRae, Steph Zam.
Today's show was written by Mark Van Landuit, Jim Earl, Robert Yasimura, Mike McRae, Steph Zamarano, Ron Placone, and yours truly.
All right, all the voices today performed by none other than Mike McRae and Paul Kozlowski doing our bumpers.
Those are hilarious.
I want to also thank our guests.
Helen Hong was on the show.
Fantastic.
Also, want to thank Paul Gilmartin and Dave Anthony.
They were fantastic.
All right.
So that was it.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Doerr saying you be the best you can be.
And I'll keep being me.
Do not freak out.
Do not freak out.
I'm not getting it.
Don't freak out!
Don't freak.
Do not freak out.
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