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March 5, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:48
20160305_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_3-4-16
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Time Text
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
you *phone rings* Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, aloha.
Aloha to you.
Who is this?
Jimmy, it's Jeb Bush.
Oh, hey, Governor Bush.
How you doing?
Hey, where are you?
Jimmy, I'm on vacation.
I'm sitting here in Margaritaville enjoying a cheeseburger in paradise.
If you need me, you can call 867-5309.
Okay, Governor, I think that third song was by a different.
And I'm getting some much-needed R ⁇ R after my whirlwind campaign up here in Kenny Bunkport.
And, you know, for a while, I was kind of drowning my sorrows and fresh-caught lobster and the adulations of yes men.
But now I'm actually enjoying myself.
I feel like me again.
I feel like Jeb.
At least to whatever extent I felt like a person in the past, I feel like that again.
You know.
I love this.
God damn, I missed him already.
You know, I have to say your spirits sound much brighter than they did the last time we spoke, Jeb.
But, you know, no one has heard from you since you dropped out.
Why call me now?
Well, I think Super Tuesday was the clincher.
It really helped my healing process.
Really?
I think it kind of bummed out most Republicans.
Oh, not me.
Here, I'll give you an analogy.
Remember when you were young and you were really sweet on some girl and wanted to date her more than anything in the world?
And you'd buy your roses and Russell Stover's candies and pretend to really like Prince a lot.
Anything to get her to like you.
But could she just rebuke every single advance you made, just totally rejected you?
And, you know, you'd get real sad and depressed and down on yourself until maybe a month later when you hear through the grapevine that she's dating a serial killer.
And it makes you feel better in a way.
Like, well, if all this time, if what she really wanted to date was a serial killer, I guess I don't feel so bad that I didn't make the cut.
I suppose, yeah.
Well, that's how I feel about the electorate now.
I mean, if Donald Trump is really who they want to be president, I'm not going to beat myself up too much about losing.
And back to the analogy, when that girl eventually gets murdered by her serial killer boyfriend, you can't help but think it would have been better if she dated you, but at the same time, you kind of want to watch it happen.
Because let's be honest, your soul is in completely scrubbed of bitterness.
Ah!
I see.
I see.
I see, I see.
So that's how you're coming to terms with all this.
Yeah, I'm just going to lounge around in various Bush family estates and watch the world burn.
I mean, each one of them has a bunker designed to survive World War 19.
Oh, really?
Oh, you bet.
We got bark loungers, cable with on-demand, DVR, every snack you can possibly imagine.
We have an entire deep freezer dedicated solely to frozen white castles for crying out loud.
And all protected by a radiation-proof, pre-stressed concrete subterranean dome.
You guys go ahead and enjoy your Trump again surface side, but the Bushes will be safely watching it happen in HD eating smoked oysters and cocktail wieners.
Will the Cheneys be down there with you too, I assume?
No, Dick has a moon base.
You know him.
He's probably a little too cautious, almost paranoid.
I'm like, Dick, I'm sure the actual crust of the earth will be fine.
Dick Cheney has his own secret moon base and a shuttle to take him back and forth.
Well, don't act so surprised, Jimmy.
We spend trillions of dollars on defense at the part of the budget that's beyond scrutiny, and we can't even afford to take care of our soldiers when they come back.
I mean, duh.
Even doing some simple math on that one, got to lead you to assume there's a few secret moon bases.
Well, look, Jeb, I'm certainly not relishing the idea of a Trump presidency any more than you are, but I'm not quite sure that it will lead directly to an apocalypse of some kind.
I mean, let's say we just enter a very distressed period of American democracy, even more so than now.
I mean, the things that Trump is saying he'll do are unconstitutional.
I mean, I'm worried about what will happen when his army of brown shirts gets enraged when his efforts are blocked.
Widespread violence, riots, I don't know.
What will you do then?
Oh, so you saw like more of a dark ages than an Armageddon, per se.
Like, like, not quite enough to climb into the old bunker and kick the generators on, huh?
Right.
What will your political actions look like then?
Well, like I've said, the people, or at least the Republican base, have spoken.
They don't want me or people like me.
The Republican establishment, the old dynasties, the old coalition uniters have been tossed aside.
It sure looks like it.
But we won't disappear, Jimmy.
We may scatter to the far reaches of the country, but when things get really bad under Trump, people will seek us out again.
The young and idealistic who will have heard ancient stories about Republicans who were driven by fiscal responsibility and favoring business.
They will want us to teach them the old ways, to train them so they can fight and restore order and balance to the GOP.
Only then, when they find us, robed hermits haunting the luxury lodges of the Poconos and the Redwoods, will the beginning of the dark times be over.
Okay, Governor.
Again, you seem to be reacting to this a little hyperbolically.
What will you do, Jeb Bush, during a Trump presidency?
Oh, give me a break, Jimmy.
I don't know for sure, but you know as well as I do.
I'll probably go into private practice, political consulting, or lobbying and make a shit ton of money.
Really?
Yes.
I'm a Bush.
I couldn't not make a shit ton of money if I tried my derndest.
Each of us Bush brothers have spent our whole lives struggling in quicksand pits made of $100 bills.
We can't get away from money.
We have to cough it up out of our lungs just to breathe.
I know, and I don't really want to hear that.
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
So that's why I told you a bunch of stuff that you did want to hear.
Weren't you happier earlier when I sounded crazy and was talking about disappearing into the shadows.
Yes, I was.
Right.
Well, that's why I did it.
And that's why I will make a mint as a high-level political consultant.
Good grief.
I bet you weren't even depressed, were you?
Oh, no, that part was real.
I gained all that weight back in two weeks by eating nothing but deviled eggs.
Yeah, no, I was in a real dark place, man.
No joke.
Well, I'm glad you're better now.
Well, thanks, Jimmy.
I appreciate it.
Anyway, I better go.
I have to go be completely fine for the rest of my life.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard talking to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joined, as always, on the Skype from New York City.
You know him, you love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
Hello there.
Yay, good to hear your voice.
Also in the studio from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Ohio.
And from the Miserable Liberal blog, it's Steph Sabarano.
Hey, Miserable Liberal.
Hello, Jimmy.
Also with us, Hank Thompson.
Hey, Hank, how are you?
North Dakota.
Listen, I got some jokes, North Dakota, before we get to the North Dakota joke, shall we?
Hey, by the way, congratulations.
Super Tuesday.
Super Tuesday was this week.
And I just want to say congratulations to hatred and ignorance.
Republicans voters have given you a big victory this week.
By the way, you know what they call the Monday before Super Tuesday, they call it racist Xmas Eve is what they call it.
I didn't know that.
Yes, Super Tuesday Republicans snug in their beds with visions of lynchings and segregated lunch counters dancing in their heads.
That was a good joke, Frick.
Oh, thank you.
Did you hear they asked Trump if he would disavow the KKK and David Duke?
He said he didn't know anything about him, and then he said he couldn't hear the question in his earpiece.
And, you know, Trump blames his earpiece on this KKK answer.
You know, when questions about racism are coming through his earpiece, it hits all the racism in his brain.
It causes feedback.
Did Kasich, did Kasich win Vermont?
He came pretty close, and I'm putting that in my folder of news that doesn't make a big difference one way or the other.
I like that news segment.
Hey, did you hear at Trump headquarters?
There is cheering and celebrating while Chris Christie privately sobs like the Japanese commandant in Bridge Over the River Clive.
If you saw Ridge over the Bridge Over the Ridford Chai, that's a good joke.
Donald Trump getting supported by now Chris Christie.
Donald Trump is the lap band surgery of Chris Christie's soul.
You know, Marco Rubio had another third-place vinyl, declared victory.
And, you know, years ago.
He won a state.
He did one win.
He won a state.
You know, therapists will be showing patients Marco Rubio's victory speeches as an example of the unhealthy way to deal with disappointment and failure.
By the way, you know, Chris Christie supporting Trump like that and standing behind him at the press cut.
Chris Christie right now reminds me of Jerry Hall in that first Tim Burton Batman movie after the Joker disfigured her.
There you go.
You know, I know Chris Christie has a huge appetite, Robert.
He does.
But I doubt if he's...
You know, whatever happened at the Trump.
Did you see what happened at that Trump rally with the Secret Service guy?
Serve slammed a guy down and they kicked black kids out.
And then a bunch of white racists were pushing this black girl around like a piñata.
Did you see that?
We're going to show it later in the show.
And you know what happened at the Trump rally reminds me of a scene in Taxi Driver, except in this case, the Secret Service is protecting Travis Vicle.
Travis, is that weird Frank Secret Service now doing the heavy-handed work for...
No, it's not.
They're just supposed to protect him from being killed.
They're not supposed to go out and bounce the room for him.
Well, this is actually a return to the George W. Bush era where the press has to stay in a pen where they can't bother the candidate in the same way that George W. Bush would have any protesters stay in a pen away from him.
Also, Trump has been for a while now, for almost the length of his run, he's been very abusive to the press.
And a lot of press people have been physically threatened and they have been like shunted aside and abused horribly.
The press has done nothing, hasn't done any stories about that.
They're so Trump's bitches that they're just going to let him do that just so they can have access to him.
Yes, they're all afraid to lose access.
That's exactly 100% right.
That should have been a big story a while ago, the way he's treating the press.
It hasn't been.
They didn't say anything when they threw out Jorge Ramos.
And, you know, Katie Tour said, in fact, right after that guy threw Jorge Ramos out of that press conference for doing journalism, Katie Tour went on with Chris Hardball and said that that guy is a really nice guy, actually.
Who's the one guy?
Who's the lung, Katie?
That's his body man.
That's his body man.
He's actually a very nice guy, I should say.
He's a really nice guy, actually.
That's what Katie Tour said.
That's a scratch of a complete fascist.
Wait till Trump has his crowd beat you over the head with their signs, and then we'll find out what nice guys they are.
Maybe he'll start reporting some stuff.
Who knows?
That guy was a really nice guy.
Also, Jeffrey Dahmer, great conversation.
Great conversationalist.
And you know, Hitler had another side people didn't see.
He liked dogs.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We made a video about the Washington Post's Dave Weigel.
He blocked me on...
Oh, this sounds good.
We'll talk about it later.
Plus, hey, how did the mainstream news cover Super Tuesday?
And the, how do you think they covered it?
Clinton wins.
We're going to talk about it later.
Plus, a lot of the Hillary defenders on Twitter kind of getting me going crazy.
We're going to talk about that.
We got phone calls today from Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, and Reince Priebus, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, so Super Tuesday happened.
We're going to talk about how horrible the news covered it and the bias they have.
But first, I want to read you something written by Dart Sabastiani from the University of Colorado, Denver.
If you had told me in December of last year that we'd have tied in Iowa and Massachusetts, destroyed in Minnesota and Colorado, Oklahoma and Vermont, while sitting on over $50 million in cash with an unending supply of rabid Bernie donators and volunteers, I would not have believed it.
I also would not have believed that Bernie would still be polling at numbers against the GOP that are like nothing I've ever seen in politics.
I would have been surprised to find out that Hillary's only strength seems to come from the most benighted states of the deep south and that her campaign would have to desperately try to spin southern strength into an appearance of inevitability.
I would also have been surprised to find out that Hillary has diminishing support from women under the age of 50.
I would have been surprised to find out that she needed her frail husband to hit the campaign trail 24-7 to keep her above water.
I would have been surprised to find out that she'd have to completely copy Bernie Sanders' message just to stay relevant.
I would have been surprised that she's become stuck needing to desperately fund her campaign from industries and special interests while trying to maintain herself as a credible agent of the people.
I would have been surprised that she lost every single voting district in Minnesota.
I would have been surprised that she barely won Massachusetts when she easily beat Obama in Massachusetts in 2008.
I would have been surprised that the FBI and the Justice Department investigations would be ongoing.
I would have been really surprised that Hillary and her supporters hadn't found a more compelling argument for her than just her experience and her gender.
I would have been surprised that Hillary supporters would have to rely on an empty, ill-informed idea about super delegates to try to stem the tide of Bernie support.
I would have been surprised to see fellow Democrats stoop to these levels in desperation.
This whole thing is surprising.
Feel the burn.
Now, wait a second.
There are Italians in Colorado?
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So if you saw Super Tuesday, you saw Hillary Clinton.
How many states did she win, Frank?
Hillary Clinton, I believe, won seven states.
She won seven states.
Seven states.
Bernie Sanders won five states, right?
So he won Vermont, Colorado, Minnesota, Oklahoma.
That's four states.
That's it, right?
He didn't win another one.
Yeah, it was four.
He came close in Massachusetts.
Yeah, so they had, so she won seven.
He won four.
They pretty much tied in Massachusetts.
So I want to let you know that the Super Tuesday primary system is front-loaded with states that are designed to squash, squash a progressive.
What do you mean?
Well, it used to be in Super Tuesday.
California was in Super Tuesday.
Used to be New Jersey was in Super Tuesday.
Used to be Illinois was in Super Tuesday.
They've switched it all up so that so they can squash a progressive challenge to the status quo.
And that's exactly what they did.
That's why it's front-loaded this way.
That's why Hillary Clinton was kicking ass in all those states that never go Democratic in the general election.
She's winning in all those states that are irrelevant to a Democratic victory in the general.
Yes, she's winning in places like Georgia, woo, and South Carolina, those hotbeds of liberalism.
No, that's not what's going to win it for her, okay?
And that, so that's why California's not in it.
New Jersey's not in it, which is ridiculous that we let a handful of southern states determine what momentum is.
So now all the, though everybody in the mainstream news media is like, well, it's all over because Hillary won all these states that they'll never win in the general election.
Meanwhile, Bernie is kicking ass with liberals and in the swing states, meaning Colorado and Minnesota.
He destroyed her in Colorado and Minnesota.
And let me tell you something, Oklahoma beat her by 19 points.
And you know why?
Because they campaigned in Oklahoma.
Pete Delessandro from Iowa went down to Oklahoma and campaigned.
And as recently as the middle of February, Nate Silver had Hillary Clinton up by 40 points in Oklahoma.
He turned it around, beat her by 19 points.
My point is, let's watch out how the New York Times covered this, right?
So here's the New York Times headline.
It says, wins for Sanders in liberal strongholds.
And the subheadline is, Hillary Clinton contained Bernie Sanders to places where he was expected to win.
Expected to win.
Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton didn't win a freaking precinct in Minnesota.
And you're telling me that he wasn't supposed to win anything.
Let's remember this guy didn't even have a campaign 10 months ago.
Okay.
He wasn't supposed to win.
This guy's a socialist and he's crazy and he's not even a demon.
And he's too old.
He's too Jewish.
Too old, too.
Meanwhile, she's aping everything he says.
And this is what this is the New York Times.
And what they're doing is this is inside the bubble talk, right?
That's all that is is inside.
Oh, well, Hillary's going to win that super tooth.
They don't go, yes, of course this is front-loaded.
All her strongest states are coming at the beginning of the primary because, well, here, let me just go.
Here's how Chris Matthews covered it, ready?
So Chris Matthews tweeted this out.
He said, the state of Elizabeth Warren, meaning Massachusetts, Massachusetts has just gone for Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders.
Tells you something.
Yeah, what it tells me, Chris, is that you don't do any research when you're commenting on stuff on television or tweeting.
Because if you would have put that in correct context, you would have said, don't forget that Hillary Clinton crushed Barack Obama by 15 points in Massachusetts during the 2008 primary.
And so now Bernie neck and neck with her there is a huge victory.
He pretty much got her to a tie in Massachusetts.
So that means the only states that she won were southern freaking States.
And he won Oklahoma anyway.
Here is, here's what I said to Chris Matthews.
So there's his tweet.
Here's what I said back to, in 2008, Hillary beat Obama in Massachusetts by 16 points.
Chris Hardball is a hack.
And that got 186 retweets.
I'm very proud of that.
But Jimmy, did you say, luckily for him, he doesn't have a mustache.
Luckily, luckily for him, Chris Matthews.
So he hasn't blocked you yet, has he?
Chris Matthews has not blocked me.
Don't mention his face.
Don't mention his facial hair.
He'll block you.
That turns out to be the bridge too far.
Yeah.
So I just wanted to remind everybody: do not get discouraged because this is a big media trick.
Okay.
The media gets caught up in their own stuff.
They just repeat it because from here on out, it's going to be favoring Bernie Sanders.
For instance, Robert Reich made the point.
He wrote this before Super Tuesday.
He said, regardless of how well Bernie does today, the media will say Hillary is now the Democratic candidate, which is what they're doing, even though she only, anyway, you heard my, he says, Baloney, the momentum theory of politics is based on momentum stories the media itself generates.
Don't succumb to the momentum game, regardless of what happens today.
The race is still very much alive for at least three reasons.
He says what I say.
In the next couple of months, the primary map starts to favor Bernie Sanders more than it favored Hillary Clinton.
So now the states where Bernie's even stronger were so let's remember that.
Okay, so he's also got a ton of cash.
So he's got like $50 million.
He's not going anywhere.
And I'll say it again: this is a movement.
It's not about Bernie or his ego or his desire to be the first president, anything.
It's about his ideas about getting money out of politics and returning the government back to the people and away from the donors.
Because right now, you and I know, we've outlined on this show many times, that it's only responsive to the donor class and not responsive to the voters, which is why we live in the richest country in the world.
And they've tricked people into thinking that somehow that somehow paying for college for its own citizens to go to college if they want to is somehow a drain on our society instead of an investment that pays back many times over.
And in fact, as if we can't afford it.
That's what happens in the culture when it gets turned over to the donor class.
This is far from overrace.
Bernie is the one gaining momentum.
I'm gaining voters.
Hillary Clinton is not gaining any new voters.
Everyone knows who Hillary Clinton is.
Everyone has made up their mind on Hillary Clinton.
We've explained to you why many times on this show, Bernie is the one who's picking up new voters and new support.
And the reason I'm telling you this isn't because I'm a partisan for Bernie, which I am.
But I think this is the honest truth: who would you say the momentum is with?
For instance, so in July in Nevada, Bernie was down like something like 37, 40 points in Nevada.
He ended up almost winning Nevada and losing it by a few percentage points.
You tell me who has momentum.
You see what I'm saying?
They said he was probably going to lose Oklahoma.
He won it by 19 points.
You see what?
So Trounston, Colorado, Trounston, Minnesota did much better in Massachusetts than Barack Obama did.
And the reason I'm telling you this is because the media is telling you the opposite.
We have plenty of more examples coming up on the show of just ridiculous things that the media is telling themselves.
For instance, that Chris Christie is somehow there to teach Donald Trump good political manners.
I'm not kidding.
That's coming up later in the show.
I just want people, don't freak out.
Listen to this.
Look at how all the demographics for.
Of course, the front-loaded primary was rigged by the DNC to always thwart progressives.
Of course, that's why they have caucuses now in Nevada instead of primaries, because it favors the party.
It strengthens the power of the party, not the people.
So that's what's happening.
And it's going to take a little while for the people to catch up.
Can you believe that pundits are calling this election before California, which has a population of the third of the world, weighs in, or New York, or New Jersey?
So it sounds crazy, and it is.
So I'm telling everybody.
The most important thing to back up your point is that Bernie Sanders has a shitload of money.
And now another reading from Morning Remembrance.
Fake obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Lavoy Finnecum, Oregon militia spokesman, Mormon recruiter.
LaVoy Finnecum, who once said he had no intention of spending any of his days in a concrete box, is now spending eternity in a pine one.
Police detain Finnecum outside the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in what started off as a routine traffic stop for disposing of dildos without a permit.
Witnesses say Finnecum then angrily rushed cops with his gun after they promised to reunite him with his wife and 11 foster kids.
He didn't want that.
Cops reportedly shot Finnecum with two .45 caliber bullets from their revolvers.
Yet another government service he'll never pay for.
When he heard the news, fellow protester Ryan Bundy issued the statement.
My thoughts and prayers go out to every halfwit in America.
Finnecum became the group's de facto spiritual leader when he first arrived at the protest and vowed to leave a trench full of human feces in every bird sanctuary in America.
Though the occupation is over, officials warn the refuge still has to remain closed for several months out of concern many of the buildings may be poopy trapped.
The deceased requested his remains be buried in a blue tarp and surrounded by a choice selection of Ryan Bundy's sinkers and floaters.
And that was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Fake Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle, available at jimearle.com.
you you If you miss any part of today's show, you can always get a podcast at the Jimmy Door Show for free at iTunes or Stitcher or JimmyDoorComedy.com.
We got a phone call from Reince Priebus and Chris Christie coming up in the second half, but right now we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Door Show originating from 90.7 FM KPFK Los Angeles and heard nationally on the Pacifica Network.
Hey, Jimmy, I see you going on the road.
You're doing some reporting.
You're bringing your video camera Hank Thompson's with you.
You're doing good, filling your YouTube channel with lots of videos.
You're bringing us lots of great stuff through this free podcast every month.
All the great phone calls.
If there was a way I could help support you, I would, but I don't have any money right now.
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Welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Doer show.
We got a lot coming up in the second half.
Chris Christiek phones in.
We're going to take a look at some more of the ridiculous media coverage of the election.
But right now we got a phone call from Reince Priebus, the GOP chairman, Reince Priebus, who seems like he's having a tough time.
*phone rings* Thank you.
RNC headquarters used office furniture at insanely low prices.
Everything must go.
Mr. Chairman, they call me the chairman of savings.
It's Jimmy Doer, buddy.
Oh, hey, Jimmy.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm shutting the whole thing down.
Gonna friggin' sell everything I can, burn the fucker to the ground, and insult the earth upon which it all stood.
My God, Reince, why are you doing that?
You want Super Tuesday, or as I call it, not so Super Tuesday.
Sure, sure, but nothing happened on Tuesday that wasn't expected.
You'd think we saw that coming, wouldn't you?
But turns out when you have a party that denies climate change and thinks witches are a thing, well, it makes the obvious a little harder to see.
What did you want to have happen on Tuesday?
Ideally, the ghost of Ronald Reagan would have risen up, declared himself ghost emperor, and we would have entered a golden age of no taxes or homosexuals.
Well, more practically speaking, what would you have liked to have happened?
I wanted Rubio to run the table.
You know, Rubio isn't really an establishment guy either.
He's pretty much a tea party darling.
Yeah, but you can bully him.
Trust me, I've made that guy give me his lunch money more than once.
He would have gotten with the program pretty quick or faced endless wedgies from Mitch McConnell.
Well, he did win Minnesota?
Oh, boy, Minnesota.
From the people who brought you Jesse Ventura and ice fishing comes its two delegates, both named Earl.
I see what you mean.
Do you know how hard I worked to prevent this, Jimmy?
I remember that, yes.
After 2012, we had a post-mortem report commission that basically said, hey, don't shit on the Mexicans, man.
We need the fucking Mexicans, dude.
So what does Trump do right out of the gate?
Yeah.
Shit's on the Mexicans.
Yes, he did do that.
Then, in January of last year, I made up all kinds of rules to stop the debates from being the Jerry Springer show.
And guess what happened?
It turned into the Jerry Springer show.
Jerry Springer wishes his show was that fucked up.
Do you remember when they made me put Carly Fiorina on the stage, even though she didn't qualify?
Yes, I remember that.
Yep.
They fully expected her to walk up to Ben Carson and tell him she's having his baby.
Well, that's the thing, isn't it?
I mean, as Les Boonvez says, Trump is good television, right?
Sure, because you never know what he's going to do next.
Is he going to save a kitten from a tree this week?
Maybe.
Or is he going to say, hey, thanks, Ku Klux Klan, for the endorsement?
Keep up the good works.
Shitting on Mexicans.
So, Rides, what is your plan for the immediate future?
I told you, I'm going to burn it all down.
Mr. Chairman, even if you do that, Donald Trump will still be the nominee.
Willie, Jimmy.
Wheelie.
Yes.
It all comes down to the convention, man.
And I'm setting up rules at this very moment that the convention will be decided through contests of strength and bravery.
Let's see how Mr. Trump does trying to catch a greased Marco Rubio.
You know, I heard that you threatened to withhold the Republican voter database from Trump if he doesn't behave.
Yeah, I did that.
I also tried to create consequences for my kids' behavior.
And guess what?
That worked out pretty much the same way.
Nobody listens, and everybody hates me.
But I saw on CNN you denied that you threatened Trump.
Sure, I denied it.
Because nothing means anything anymore, man.
Donald Trump is going to be the Republican nominee for president.
We're beyond good and evil here.
So I lied on CNN.
So the fuck what?
What?
Is some angry God going to punish me?
Open your eyes.
There is no God.
Mr. Chairman, are you okay?
Why do you ask, Jimmy?
Well, I don't.
You saw a little unhinged, buddy.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, really, Jimmy?
I sound a little fucking unhinged.
Thanks for the FYI, Dr. Phil.
I hadn't noticed.
But guess what?
According to my doctors, I'm doing pretty friggin well for a guy who's had several mini-strokes in the last six months.
You've really had strokes?
Now, if you'd excuse me, Jimmy, I'm going to go do the one thing that makes me feel even a little bit better.
What is that, right?
Having a dominatrix beat the fuck out of me.
Mr. Carla, I'm ain't naughty again.
I guess you're going to have to step on my scrotum until I've learned my lesson.
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So there's a lot of money in politics, which means that, well, who wins when there's a lot of money in politics?
People with money.
That's who wins.
Who's that?
Well, the corporations, Wall Street, and all the big-money billionaires who own the politicians.
But who else wins?
Like, how are we going to break that system?
Well, you got to get the journalists in there to tell everybody how corrupt it is.
But wait a minute.
What if money's also corrupting the journalists?
Well, how can political money corrupt the journalists, Jimmy?
They're not trying to buy the journalists.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Yes, they are.
Because Les Moonves, the chief executive of CBS, celebrated Donald Trump's candidacy for the second time on Monday.
This is from The Intercept.
Call it, he called.
Well, here, I'm just going to play a little bit of it.
So he was speaking at the Morgan Stanley Technology Media and Telecom Conference at the Park Hotel in San Francisco.
And he described what he called the circus of a presidential campaign and the flow of political advertising dollars.
So let's listen.
So this is Les Moonves here.
That's him.
So let's listen to a little bit of what he had to say, shall we?
In local, the number one word is political.
Man, who would have expected the ride we're all having right now?
This is pretty amazing.
And who would have thought that this circus would come to town?
But, you know, it may not be good for America, but it's damn good for CBS.
That's all I got to say.
So what he's saying is if we're stuck with the Trump presidency, we can reassure ourselves that at least CBS is going to make a lot of money.
Not really going to affect us.
We're super wealthy.
I'm one of the richest guys in the world, worth $300 billion of Les Moonvis.
And I giggle about a fascist taking over our country because it will make a lot of money for us.
And you wonder why there isn't more cry for money out of politics in the news media.
You wonder why Bernie Sanders says we have to get money out of politics because it's corrupted the whole goddamn country.
Even the news journalists are cheering on a corrupt system because it makes them a lot of money.
They're giggling about a xenophobic racist who half the companies involved with him had to cut their ties with him because he's such a blatant fascist racist.
Yet the news media is cheering it on and giggling about it because fascism, there's a lot of money in it.
So let's go.
He's got a little more to say.
Let's go.
So what can I say?
It's, you know, the money's rolling in and this is poles are open.
This is fun.
We had a debate a couple of days.
This is fun.
He said the money's rolling in and this is fun.
You know, I think that create content too at your network.
That would be.
You could correct that.
But when he says the money's rolling in and this is fun, I think that was also said by the manufacturer of Jack Boots in Nazi Germany.
I could be wrong about that.
Trump's coverage is the only thing bringing in cash.
And if you've seen CBS's primetime lineup, you'll understand why, Robert.
Yeah, that's exactly what you were saying.
CSI Cyber, not the hit that they were looking for.
There's a little CIS New Orleans not quite working out.
No.
We've still 14 million people on a Saturday night.
You know, it's amazing.
That's all I can say.
Do you look at the Trump phenomenon as impacting the ad standard?
Because he's got lots of money.
He's got a lot of free media as well.
Yeah, he's getting a lot of free media, but all that's happening out there, there's a lot of money in the marketplace.
There's a lot of money in the marketplace.
Sure, as Donald, you know, I mean, you know, they're not even.
Hey, this Trump coverage is much cheaper than journalism.
Let's remember that.
That's really what he's saying.
They give free years perfect programming.
He's inexpensive to cover and he's high return.
I mean, he is American Idol.
He is.
They'll give candidates free coverage, but only if you're a racist, violence-inspiring demagogue with name recognition.
That's what he's saying.
And by the way, the revolution will not be televised because it didn't have a super PEC.
So he's got more to say.
Talking about issues, they're throwing bombs at each other, and I think the advertising reflects that.
Most of the ads are not about issues.
They're sort of like the debates.
He did this or he did that.
It doesn't say what I stand for.
I've never seen anything like this.
And, you know, this is going to be a very good year for us.
A very good, still, everybody's goofing.
Get it so funny.
You know, news departments used to be considered part of the media's civic duty.
Now they're part of media's civic irresponsibility.
As you watch the networks not do their job, know that their investors are smiling because that's what's happening in America.
People are so glad that journalism is not taking place anywhere.
They're so happy.
Who's happy?
People with money.
Let's move as literally worth $300 million.
Still wants more.
What is he doing?
When are you going to retire?
Take a vacation.
Why do you still want to make more money off of fascism?
Well, to be fair, I think that, you know, I think that the Goths sacking Rome would have been good B-roll.
I think throughout history, the decline of a civilization has always made really entertaining television.
And that's what this guy is talking about.
He's like, sure.
I'm going to fiddle while Rome burns.
This is exactly what's happening.
This is Les Moonves.
CBS, $300 million he's worth.
Sorry.
It's a terrible thing to say, but bring it on, Donald.
Go ahead.
Keep going.
Don't write.
Somebody, I said that at another investor conference the next day, some blog put out Moonves supporting Trump wholeheartedly.
I said, no, no, no.
I'm not taking it aside.
I'm just saying for us economically, Donald's place in this election is a good thing.
CBS is ahead of John Trump.
Exactly.
It's a good thing for CBS.
The networks are making a killing as they kill American democracy.
So guess what happened?
Chris Christie spent the last 10 months telling everybody what a clown Donald Trump was.
Sure.
And as soon as he got out of the race, he endorsed him.
Boy, that doesn't make any sense at all.
Chris Christie's, whose poll numbers actually, I didn't know they could go lower.
They did.
He went from 33% down to 27% because he endorsed Trump.
And here he is standing behind Trump.
He came out, stood behind Trump.
Which would matter if he gave a sh ⁇ about New Jersey, which he hasn't for 10 months.
He hasn't been in New Jersey since, right, for 10 months.
So he doesn't care that his poll numbers dropped.
He's like, I'm already out of here.
Yeah, I can't go for it.
I can't run for a third term.
He's term limited out in New Jersey.
So Chris Christie doesn't, obviously doesn't give a crap about New Jersey anymore, which is why he's not there.
They had to shame him into going back for the blizzard.
He wouldn't even go leave New Hampshire for the blizzard.
So he's supporting Donald Trump.
And I didn't realize that even though Chris Christie, biggest man in the room, looks so small standing behind Donald Trump, doesn't he?
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, yes, sir.
How disgusting.
A guy who, he, he railed against Donald Trump.
Anyway, I just wanted to play this because it was so sad.
If you saw Donald Trump come out and give his speech and Chris Christie stood right behind him, and it was so awkward the way he kept staring at the back of his head, right?
So somebody made this gif, and I want to play it for us right now.
Right here we go.
There's thousands of plants manufactured.
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Ha ha ha!
Chris, you look so lost.
You look so lost, Chris.
I think he's angling for immunity.
A presidential pardon.
I bet he is going for a presidential pardon.
I bet that's not a bad idea.
I bet you that is what he's doing.
So here is another example of the out of touch inside of a bubble, doesn't really know what the hell's going on, but he's writing for a big mainstream newspaper called the Washington Post.
This guy's name is Robert Costa.
Good guy.
Seems like a nice person.
I'd like to have a drink with him.
He's inside of a bubble.
He works for Jeff Bezos.
Let's remember that.
And here's what he said about Chris Christie endorsing Donald Trump.
Final question.
Do you agree with Nicole Wallace's hunch that the presence of Chris Christie in the political life of Donald Trump just these past few days has been a steadying influence, perhaps, on his demeanor and message?
Chris Christie has been a steadying influence on Donald Trump's demeanor.
And I bet he's helped clean up some of that junk food Donald Trump's been eating too.
He's been affecting his demeanor, keeping a tab down on his demeanor.
What the hell are these people talking about?
Well, I have, are you, what?
Could there be a bigger maniac in the world besides Donald Trump?
It's Chris Christie, the guy who wants to punch teachers in the nose.
Hey, hey, we got to have him in.
He's going to help smooth out the rough edges.
Chris Christie, he's the guy.
So watch, I bet you this guy from the Washington Post is going to put Brian Williams in his place for asking such a stupid question.
I think that is the key point here, because Christie has brought an establishment Republican, an elected official who's won in a blue state to the Trump campaign.
And when I was looking around the newsroom tonight, writing our story, we thought the Christie quotes were great in terms of capturing the Trump moment more than even Trump's comments themselves.
He's a steady hand, someone who has political instincts that are helping to guide Trump.
And most importantly, he gets Trump.
He understands how to talk to him and guide him.
He's guiding Trump.
You know why he's guiding Trump and keeping his because they couldn't get Mike Ditka.
Are you?
Are you just so they just say things to each other?
Oh, yeah, I guess that sounds right.
Well, I'll repeat it.
Ryan Williams said it.
It must be true.
I don't want to disagree with him.
It would be insulting.
Yes, Chris Christie is keeping a tapping down on Donald Trump's wildness.
He's the one.
He's the statesman.
Chris Christie.
I like the way it was true improv moment where he goes, not only he, he does what you're supposed to do in improv where you're supposed to up the stakes a little bit.
So he goes, not only do I think that's a good observation, I think it's the key point.
It's the key point.
There is no way that's a key point in any, there's no context in which that's a key point.
That is the craziest thing I ever heard.
And he's straight-facing it.
That's how you know he's funny.
Totally straight-facing it.
That's how you know he's funny.
He's not gay.
He's not winking.
He's not giggling.
He's not even putting a little smirk on his face.
He's committed to the character who's super stupid.
He's committed to the guy who thinks Chris Christie is here to teach Donald Trump manners.
That's what he is.
That's why people get their news from YouTube.
And let's just remember that Chris Christie was such a steadying hand, a calming effect on Donald Trump, that the headline for CNN after the debate was, Donald Trump Defends the Size of His Penis.
That was the headline at CNN.com.
Oh, yes.
Chris, what a steadying hand.
I wonder what the headline wouldn't have been if he wasn't working with Chris Christie.
So there was a lot of problems.
We all know the problems that the DNC has been having with their debate schedule.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz, or as Bernie Sanders says, fucking W. Wasserman Schultz.
So they're in the can for Hillary Clinton.
They're in the establishment, and they're against the Independent, the upstart, the rebel, the populist, the progressive, Bernie Sanders.
They're against them.
The vice chair of the DNC, her name is Tulsi Gabbard, right?
She's from Hawaii, and she's a congressperson.
And she was the one pushing for more debates because obviously she was supporting Bernie Sanders.
She's more of a progressive.
Turns out she's also a veteran.
She's a veteran, Tulsi Gabbard.
And here's why she's supporting Bernie Sanders.
And you don't hear this.
You don't hear this anywhere else.
And that's why I wanted to play it on the show.
And here we go.
This had nothing to do with the DNC or DNC politics.
This had everything to do with my decision that I could no longer stand on the sidelines as elections are taking place to determine who our potential next commander-in-chief could be.
As a soldier and as a veteran, this is incredibly personal, and it's incredibly important because I think this is the most important job of a president is to be our commander-in-chief.
There's a very clear contrast and clear difference when it comes to our two Democratic candidates And who will exercise good judgment?
Who will stop us from continuing these interventionist regime change wars that we've seen in Iraq and Libya and now in Syria that have cost our country so much in terms of American lives, trillions and trillions of dollars, what to speak of the hundreds of thousands of lives in the Middle East that have been lost to this and the impact on our economy here at home.
Bernie Sanders is that candidate who will not take us, service members and our country into these interventionist wars.
And Hillary Clinton, through her record, has proven that she will continue that.
And that's what's important to me.
And I think it's important for our voters to know before they go and head to the polls tomorrow and in the coming weeks.
I never, because we've always said this about, I've said this on the show.
Everybody wants to know what's Bernie's foreign policy?
What's the foreign policy?
Bernie's foreign policy.
You know, Hillary was Secretary of State foreign.
Let me tell you something.
Every poor foreign policy idea that a president has had since FDR has been destructive.
So I don't want a president with foreign policy ideas because everything they do screws up everything.
What has Barack Obama done?
He's bombed seven different Muslim nations since 9-11.
What did George Bush do?
Completely destabilize the Middle East with the help of the Democratic Congress, completely destabilized what's happening, invented ISIS.
We invented Al-Qaeda first.
We invented ISIS next.
We're going to invent something even worse next.
I don't want a president to have foreign policy ideas.
No matter what their ideas are, they always screw up.
So here she is saying he's not going to be that big of an interventionist.
He's going to take some of that money and put it back in our economy.
You don't hear anybody saying that.
God bless America.
A veteran stands up and says, hey, maybe we stop spending trillions of dollars on foreign wars and we spend some of that money back here in America.
So that's another good reason.
The fact that Bernie Sanders doesn't have any foreign policy ideas is a great reason to vote for Bernie Sanders.
So this is important.
We here in Southern California have the worst smog of the whole country.
Jealous much, Pittsburgh?
It's bad enough.
We have a government agency called the Air Quality Management Board.
And they do this crazy thing where they regulate air pollution so we can breathe and see and shit like that.
Well, wouldn't you know it?
The board recently removed a Democrat and appointed a Republican.
And all of a sudden, they want to remove the managing executive director, Barry Wallerstein, who has been doing the job for 19 years.
Why?
Because they say he's not business friendly enough.
Let me say that again.
The board tasked with stopping air pollution doesn't feel it's being friendly enough to business.
This only a few weeks after the Southern California Gas Company leaked more than 150 million pounds of methane gas into, you know, the air.
Whose quality is at issue?
I know we're all having a great time giving a shit about Donald Trump and the Romanesque decline of our society.
But these are the stories that matter.
I know we're all having a great time giving a shit about Donald Trump and the Romanesque decline of our society.
But these are the stories that really need attention because this is how the villains of the right wing are killing us by getting a new board, by getting a new board member in some innocuous agency no one pays attention to.
If you don't believe me, how about you ask a parent in Flint, Michigan, who is now terrified their kid is about to turn into Caligula Caesar and start humping his sister.
Caligula likely had lead poisoning and humped his sister.
Or maybe ask the residents of Lakeshore Drive in Rowan County, Tennessee, who saw a wall of unregulated coal ash roll over their town in 2008, whose total tonnage was larger than the Deepwater Horizon spill.
Oh, that's right.
You can't ask them because they all had to move out of their homes.
Or ask the residents of Eden, North Carolina, where Duke Energy spilled 24 million gallons of coal ash slurry into the Dan River.
Can't imagine what adding coal ash to hillbilly inbreeding will do.
It looks like I'm going to find out.
That happened mainly because Duke Energy all but appointed their governor.
And he appointed a climate science denier to head the North Carolina Department of Environment and Natural Resources, a job in which he remains to this day and just removed any reference to climate change on their website.
Wow.
Should you be afraid of a secret cabal of terrorists in this country?
Absolutely, because they're infiltrating our state and local governments as we speak.
Hey, that's guess what?
We're out of time on today's show, but Chris Christie called in to tell us what he was thinking when he was endorsing Trump and standing behind him at that press conference.
Here's a little taste of what he had to say.
Have you ever seen his head from the back?
It looks just like Conkade.
Yeah, so he's got a lot more to say.
And that's in this week's premium content.
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Okay.
And you can see all my interviews with all the Trump supporters and all the Republicans I met at the Republican caucus in Las Vegas and all the people at the Ted Cruz event in Iowa.
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Again, our award-winning report from the Las Vegas caucus.
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Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuit, Jim Earle, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
And stop by jimearl.com to pick up a copy of Morning Remembrance, fake obituaries of real dead people.
That's it for this week.
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