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July 17, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Dear Mr. Trump, bravo to you and your hair for giving the American public just the right dose of those Mexicans are chubacabra scary.
I love you.
You are a straight shooter.
I hope later today, after you read my letter, you will look into the mirror and say, Mexicans love me over and over again, because believe it or not, I love you, Mr. Trump.
Congratulations on being numero uno in the polls.
People love to hate.
Right now, the flavor is dark chocolate hate.
Anything dark must be seen as trouble like drugs, crime, ISIS, Mexicans, rape.
Oh my.
Good.
Scaring the American public is the best way to go when running for president.
Everybody who's anybody is talking about you.
Fabulous campaign strategy to alienate an entire group of Mexican people, even if it means ending business relationships with Macy's.
PGA Golf, you are so smart to have alienated the most boring sport in the galaxy.
CERTA, a mattress company, thought you blew it.
But what does a mattress company know about things?
And then Univision, that means vision of one.
Pulls a fast one and cancels airing your pageant of pretty third world girls.
And then Miss Mexico refused to participate in a pageant and said, no.
No, you never.
I'm your number one fan here in beautiful Los Angeles and looking forward to you dominating the debates without logic or facts.
Love forever.
Steph, Mexican with a Masters.
Woo!
This is a production of the U.S.A.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, low-alarm, black-beats.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk on your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City.
You know him, you love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
Yay!
Hello there.
Oh, should I not say anything?
It's okay.
It's okay.
I got excited, Frank.
I'm sorry.
Do you want to start again?
That's okay.
No, we got to.
Also with us, that's the voice of Hilarious, one of my all-time favorite comedians.
She's a regular on the Lucky Louie show on HBO.
You can see her in her new hour special coming out very soon.
And you can follow her on Twitter at King Keitlinger.
King Keitlinger.
It's Laura Keitlinger at King Keitlinger.
And you know what?
We'll have a link for her Twitter feed over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hi, Laura.
Hi, thank you.
Very good to hear your voice.
What is your hour special going to be called?
It's either going to be called Wet and Reckless.
Oh, I love it.
Or Straight Up Your Heart.
Oh.
We'll be looking forward to that.
Next to her, hilarious comedian from the Miserable Liberal blog.
It's Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
Yes.
Also, across the glass for me, our resident Japanese man from Team Yasamura, it's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Ohio.
Yes.
Also with us, comedian Michael Schertzer.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, what's up, Jimmy?
Full house tonight.
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
You know, I don't know how you guys feel about modern social media, but you know the dread a mother felt in World War II when a telegram arrived?
That's kind of how I feel when I see that someone is trending.
Hey, I don't know if you heard Camille Cosby, Camille Cosby, standing by her man.
Something his victims were not capable of doing until they regained consciousness.
Yes.
You know, the people who said invading Iraq was a good idea are saying the Iran deal is a bad idea.
So for fuck's sake, let's trust them, shall we?
Hey, you know what?
A peace treaty with a backwards theocratic regime is pointless.
But I say we invade Texas anyway.
Heck of a.
And let's take Louisiana and Mississippi and some other states with it.
Yeah, I would say I say we refight the Civil War.
I was going to say we did that, didn't we?
I say we fight with them.
We declare war on the South.
We don't show up.
We let them win and take their goddamn country with them.
I disagree.
I don't think we should invade Texas.
I don't think we should get involved in foreign wars.
So Jesse Eisenberg, the guy who played Mark Zuckerberg in the social network movie, he compared the San Diego Comic-Con to genocide, which that's crazy, right?
Because genocide is way more focused on comic books.
That is a quality joke.
Because Comic-Con has strayed from its original intent, has it not, Frank?
Yeah, it has.
It used to be about comic books, and now it's not really.
They had to start another Comic-Con.
They started WonderCon specifically for the people who used to do Comic-Con.
Right, right.
Wow.
Now guys have two places to go to not get laid.
Isn't that fantastic?
Dude, you could not be more wrong if you knew how much fucking goes on at Comic-Con.
You would start reading Spider-Man number one tomorrow.
I thought genocide was a video game.
Is it like Mortal Kombat?
I would start reading Spider-Man, but I'm getting laid later tonight.
Wow.
Jimmy, can I just take a moment for our listeners, people who might not have never been to a Comic-Con?
Can I just explain it?
Sure.
Rebecca.
Yes.
Comic-Con.
It's a place where people who are into comic books, animation, video games, popular culture, can meet other people with type 2 diabetes.
Hmm.
Okay.
What's coming up on today's show?
Jeb Bush has got a prescription for workers to help build our economy.
What is it?
It just might surprise you, or will it?
Plus, we're going to take a look at Scott Walker and some of the Republicans' bad ideas and how they expect to win support for them.
Plus, Luke Russert makes an appearance.
He's got some ideas about Scott Walker's new rebranding of the Republican Party.
And Chris Christie went on Morning Joe and demanded an apology from the media over the bridge scandal.
We're going to cover that.
Plus, we got phone calls today.
Benjamin Netanyahu calls in.
Paula Dean calls in.
And Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
*Mario plays*
Did you know Americans work longer hours than their counterparts in just about every other wealthy country?
We are known among those who study such things as the no vacation nation.
And according to a 2009 study, full-time U.S. workers put in almost 30% more hours over the course of the year than their German counterparts, largely because they had only half as many weeks of paid leave, meaning vacation.
So not surprisingly, work-life balance is a big problem for many people in these states.
Well, enter Jeb Bush, or as he likes to be known, Jeb Exclamation.
Here he is talking about his plan for the economy.
And let's give a listen.
My aspiration for the country, and I believe we can achieve it, is 4% growth as far as the eye can see.
4% growth as far as the eye can see.
It means we have to be a lot more productive.
Workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows.
So that's how are you going to get 4% growth?
Which means we have to be a lot more productive.
Workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows.
Means that people need to work longer hours.
People need to work longer hours.
He has the confidence and conviction of a temp.
LAUGHTER You know, it's like I will say anything.
You know, I'll give you, you know, or even like a substitute teacher, I'll give everyone more homework.
Whatever it takes to just get through this week, you know, so I get paid.
People don't know this.
I remember a couple years ago, I was on, I would be on stage, and I would, you know, because in America we're taught the harder you work, the better person you are.
And that's all ridiculous.
Because at the time, I was a stand-up comedian, and I didn't work at all.
And I was a great person, right?
So that's a backwards idea.
Work does not, the harder you work does not equate anything to do with if you're a good person.
And I would tell people that, you know, when you go to Europe, everybody gets four weeks vacation to start, to start.
Like, no matter what you do for a living, no matter if you're a president of a corporation or if you're a barista or if you're a waiter or if you work at Walmart, you get four weeks off and it's in the law.
Is it paid?
Yes.
It's mandated by law in other countries, including Japan.
Maybe he was just talking about how long you work on the Bush plantation.
And let me also just make the point that he said, you know, we need to increase our productivity.
Well, Americans' productivity has been increasing every year since 1980 and workers haven't gotten a raise since.
So let's remember that productivity used to be tied to wages.
They haven't been since roughly 1980.
Hmm.
I wonder what happened then.
First of all, saying he wants 4% growth is tremendously irresponsible.
Yes.
That's because that would be a bubble.
When he was governor from 99 to 2007, he did have amazing growth, but it was fueled by a massive housing bubble that occurred under him.
And once he left office, due to term limits, the housing bubble popped, and with it, so did Florida's economy.
And their 4% growth month.
So yeah, you can achieve 4% growth if you create a bubble.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's that.
So that's why he had to come up with, oh, people need to work.
But that's what he really meant.
And now he's been trying to walk it back ever since by saying, no, no, I mean, people need to work.
People don't want to work part-time anymore.
They want to work full-time jobs.
Well, if that's what you really meant, you could have just said it.
He didn't say that.
And also, the reason you want to work full-time is supposedly, ideally, you get benefits that way.
And he's part of a party that wants to cut everybody's benefits.
Yes, and he's against, he's also against overtime pay.
Like did Barack Obama, he's trying to make sure everybody gets overtime pay.
I didn't know how bad it was for people.
I thought, I drove a forklift.
I didn't know that there's a cutoff for overtime, $23,000.
He is against the new Barack Obama overtime.
And also, this is the guy whose brother took more vacations than any president in American history.
Yeah, he was like president of vacations.
So I just want people to know that.
So when people in Europe, they're mandated that they get four weeks.
They start off four weeks vacation.
Americans don't realize that.
Well, they also, they work a more reasonable day.
At work, they take a full hour for lunch.
You know who works less?
The Germans work less than the French do, and they have a stronger economy.
Oh, much stronger.
Isn't that interesting?
I would say let the Germans be as unproductive as possible.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
you No.
you you On the phone, we have Governor Jeb Bush.
Jeb, you said people needed to work longer hours in order to boost the economy.
Now, did you know that Americans already work more than anyone in the industrialized world?
I don't really know about that, Jimmy.
I'd like to take a look at your data where you're getting that from.
I mean, here in America, we have lots of minorities and stuff, but proud people for sure, whose culture tells them to not work and take advantage of this system and watch flat screens and, you know, other countries and economies have minorities and poor people too, Jeb.
I mean.
Well, I know for a fact that we do have more African Americans in this country than any other country on earth.
What?
We have more African Americans in America than any other country?
Yeah, that's a fact, actually.
I learned from my friend Luke Russert at NBC News.
The point is that Americans already are working more, Jeb, way more than their counterparts in Europe.
Really, I don't know.
More than the English, more than the French, way more than the Germans or Norwegians, and even recently more than the Japanese.
Well, okay, all right.
But, I mean, that should be good news, right?
I mean, that's good for everybody.
Our economy must be in a good state if everyone's working so hard.
I don't see how that's a problem.
And do you know Americans take less vacations, work longer days, and retire later, too?
Well, that's also good.
The more you work, the more money you make.
And that's my point.
If workers work more and produce more for their employers, then they won't have more money.
Well, actually, the link between working harder and making more money has been broken.
For that, you have to thank Elliot Spitzer's crusade against the hardworking people of Wall Street.
I think we need to give credit where credit it is.
No, no, no, no, not that.
I mean, the entire economy's productivity rose.
Did you know it rose 25% between 2000 and 2012?
But did you know?
Yeah.
Did you know wages stayed flat and even declined for the bottom 60% of urgers?
What are you saying?
Yes.
So what I, in fact, productivity growth and wage growth became unlinked, Jeb, in the mid-1970s as the overtime threshold started losing its bite, which, again, you are against, by the way, against giving people overtime pay.
You know, I didn't know it was possible, Jeb, but you sound like an even bigger dick than your brother.
Well, heck, I mean, I didn't mean anything by it.
I was just saying, you know, I was repeating things that my brother's think tank suggested.
That's all.
That's all.
Oh, George W. Bush has a think tank.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, he does.
And you listen to them and repeat stuff that they say out loud in public.
Well, yeah, I mean, that's the case so far, which right there should disqualify you from babysitting, let alone being president.
But you're not.
You're the goddamn frontrunner.
What's going on?
Well, that's because I'm, you know, rich, Jimmy.
I'm a wealthy man.
And my dad and my brother and me, we know lots of other people who are even richer than we are.
So my voice in this election matters and has to be considered.
And I always, always will have a legitimate shot at running this country.
Ha ha ha ha!
Okay, then.
I mean, I don't understand what's so difficult to understand about that.
You know what?
Nothing.
You know what?
I've never had it spelled out so plainly.
Thank you very much, Jeb.
I appreciate you taking time to really let us know exactly how things are.
You actually did.
Yeah, and I have to say, this has been a very lovely conversation, and I look forward to talking to you again.
All right, Jeb Bush, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So I don't know if you've been paying attention.
Chris Christie got in a little bit of trouble when it got found out that his administration, people inside his office, had closed down the busiest bridge in the country as political payback to a Democratic mayor in Fort Lee, New Jersey who wouldn't back Christie's re-election bid because they wanted to give a project the idea that Democrats and Republicans supported Chris Christie.
So he went on Mourning Joe because he wanted to get the hard questions over first.
I heard he ate their breakfast.
Yeah.
And he ate them for breakfast.
So Christie went on Morning Blowjob and they asked him ever so sweetly if he takes responsibility for the crap storm he's been living in for the past two years.
Listen to how Joe Hardball asks him.
Boyd, the last two years have really sucked, but you know what?
I got to look in the mirror.
So you see how Joe asked him?
He goes, yeah, boy, the last two years have really sucked, but I got to look in the mirror.
I don't think that Chris Christie feels good when he looks in the mirror.
Well, first of all, so nobody's got that much glass.
I was the last two years have really sucked, but you know what?
I got to look in the mirror.
Well, I'm accountable.
He's accountable.
Chris Christie's accountable, but wait a minute, that is not the same as responsible.
I thought he said a cannibal.
laughter He he he he he he.
How would that?
Nice.
Boyd, the last two years have really sucked.
But you know what?
I got to look in the mirror.
Well, I'm accountable.
I happen to my watch.
So you're accountable.
It's different than being responsible.
Yes, accountable is different than being responsible.
See?
Well, accountable, they're two totally different words for sure.
First of all, responsible means you got caught and you have to go to jail.
Accountable means you acknowledge that something bad happened, but since you didn't actually get caught, you don't have to go to jail and nothing's going to happen to you personally.
That's what the difference.
That's the difference between being accountable.
Accountable would mean that you quit or you resigned or you did something.
I think responsible is you did something.
Accountable is, listen, it's on the governor.
The buck stops with me, so I'm accountable.
That's why I fired folks that I fired immediately because you have to be accountable and then cooperate.
Okay, there you go.
I thought he fired one person.
And I can't fire myself because I have to fire other people.
Yeah.
That's right.
So now here comes a tough question from Morning Blowjob.
Ready?
Who lets you down the most?
What person shocked you the most?
Who let you down the most?
Yes.
Can I guess?
My dad.
Is that what he said?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I guess it's Chef Boy R. D. It's not who Chris Christie.
I thought it was his trainer.
I would have to say his personal trainer.
Yeah.
Yes, because, you know, Chris Christie is obviously the victim in this situation.
He's been let down just like the citizens of Fort Lee, New Jersey were let down.
And that's where.
Just like his parts were let out.
Yeah, yes.
Chris Christie was let down just like the citizens of Fort Lee.
He's a victim too.
And that's been your morning blowjob.
And here's how he receives how he answered that.
Oh, that list is too long.
That's what he said.
The list of people who let him down.
Yeah.
Wow, well, it shows great judgment on his part as the governor that he hired an army of people who were in touch.
Yes.
Let's get him in charge of the country.
So here he goes.
And here's how he answers the question.
That doesn't matter.
So he.
What was the question he was asked?
I'll think of it and then I'll put it in post.
That doesn't matter.
You know, it matters how you recover.
It matters how you get up.
You know, everyone's going to have these moments in their life.
Everyone's had them.
Everyone's had, everyone has tried to shut down up the busiest bridge in America for political payback.
Everybody's been a corrupt politician.
Everybody's done that and been caught red-handed and lied their way through it.
And corporate media has helped them.
Everyone's had that.
Everyone's been there.
It's so relatable.
Yes.
This is what he's saying.
Everyone's been where I've been.
Everyone has taken Hurricane Sandy funds and not use them the way they were.
And that's an okay.
But just like everybody else, I have to dust myself off and run for president.
Yes.
everyone said it, Krispy Kremes, and written out their apology and then tried to say it in a convincing way.
That doesn't matter.
You know, it matters how you recover.
It matters how you get up.
You know, everyone's going to have these moments in their life.
Everyone's had them.
And so it's, do you go in the field position and stay in bed?
Or do you get up and do your job and decide how to rewind people's trust and their confidence?
And that's what I'm trying to do.
Oh, do you care where you start?
It's where you finish.
And he's trying to win back people's confidence by screwing over the pension fund in New Jersey.
He's doing that.
He's doing that by continuing to not collect the fines imposed on ExxonMobil that they were supposed to pay.
There's so many corrupt things happening at once.
He's not using the Sandy funds the way he was supposed to.
There's so many corrupt things happening at once in the Chris Christie administration.
It's kind of really amazing.
Yet, Joe Morning Joe people, that'll lay a glove on him.
He's not capable of getting it to the feet.
Damn it.
Damn it.
That's not physically possible.
Damn it.
He beat me to the feet.
I couldn't help but just start imagining him trying to get up dusting himself off.
And then I pictured him in his baseball uniform.
Good.
I love how that happens, everybody.
Everybody's been here where I've been.
Everybody's everybody.
Well, here, so here's why I really went after this clip because he gets a little indignant, right?
So now let's remember that he's been under investigation for 18 months straight.
It is a fact that his administration ordered the bridge, the busiest bridge, shut down as political payback.
We all know that the firemen had to get out of their emergency vehicles and walk that day to help people.
Kids couldn't get to school, and he wasn't aware of it.
Here's what he says: he's upset that the media said that it was his fault.
And here's what he says: He did this, he directed it, he's this kind of guy.
Then all of a sudden, you're not.
Then they said, Okay, now what do we do?
So instead of just standing up and saying what they should say, which is, we're sorry, Governor, for having jumped to conclusions, we're sorry for having prejudged this.
So the press should apologize to Chris Christie, who was the head of a corrupt administration who, again, shut down a bridge, the busiest bridge in the country, for political payback.
But he wants the apology.
He wants the apology.
And that's the difference between accountability and responsibility.
And that's the difference between accountability and responsibility.
And that's why.
And then I called him to talk about this.
*Bell rings*
Hey, is this Governor Christie?
Who's this?
It's Jimmy Dore.
Jimmy, you liberal Met Bastard.
How the hell are you?
I'm very good, Governor.
How are you?
I'm going to be freaking president.
How the hell do you think I am?
You know, the convention's more than a year away, Governor.
A lot can happen between now and then.
Yeah, a lot of stuff could happen.
Like, for instance, Scott Walker could come down with an acute case of lead poisoning.
Ha ha.
Or all of a sudden, John Bush comes down with an amnesia where he doesn't remember he wants to be president if he knows what's good for him.
Governor, are you threatening other Republican candidates?
Threatening?
I'm just thinking out loud.
Hey, can a man say what he's thinking?
I just, you don't think of how sad it would be if Rand Paul were to fall down an elevator shave.
And if some of my supporters happen to hear me thinking about this, that certainly is not something which could be helped.
This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
This culture of bullying and intimidating around you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, fuckface.
What?
You apologize.
For what?
You know what you did, fuck all.
Now you apologize.
What are you talking about?
You come here on your hands and knees and kiss the space between my tongues and say, I am so sorry, Governor Christie, for ever thinking you weren't a living saint.
Oh, you mean Bridgegate?
Yeah, I mean Bridgegate.
You people just assumed that because two people who answered directly to me happened to do something which everyone could totally see me ordering, that I actually did that thing.
And when you were wrong, when it turned out those two people who answered directly to me had to completely on their own because they thought it was appropriate behavior by persons alone.
Well, then, no one says, I'm sorry, Governor.
We completely mistrust you.
You were like a giant teddy bear who should lead this country.
Nobody says that.
Governor, we didn't get it wrong about the Dish Committee owes an apology.
This committee owes my client an apology.
Well, on behalf of the media, I apologize.
See?
Now, was that so hard?
But, Governor.
No, no, but you people just say I'm sorry, and you should be president.
You have to admit that there must have been a culture of intimidation in your office for a deputy chief of staff to think it was accepted.
This was acceptable.
I don't gotta admit nothing, Friendo.
And I'll tell you another thing: if one more person accuses me of a culture of intimidation, I'm gonna take that person to the Meadowlands and skull fuck them today.
Governor, Governor, you can't, you really can't.
Hey, Jimmy, I wanted to ask you a little favor for my friend.
What?
This campaigning thing is like super expensive.
Yeah, I know.
My snack budget alone, Jimmy.
My afternoon briskets and milkshake egg is now pretty expensive.
That doesn't sound healthy.
No, I'm still losing weight.
Hey, count my neck rings.
No, thanks.
I don't want to count your neck rings.
So if you know anyone who wants to donate somewhere in the $10 million range, maybe you send them my way.
Why would you think I would know anybody with that kind of money?
Well, I figure you're gay at all.
Huh?
I'm not gay.
Sure, sure.
And you gay guys always seem to have pretty nice stuff.
So I figure some fruitcake like, you know, David Geffer might like to throw me some cash.
Governor, why would a gay millionaire want to give you money?
You're consistently fought against same-sex marriage.
Well, if elected, I could probably get them a no-show job at the Pentagon.
Very sweet deal.
And gays like uniforms, right?
They could dress up like a sailor or what have you.
That is so stupid.
I can't believe you said it.
And then maybe there's a little Hurricane Sandy funds I could send away.
Pardon me, Governor.
Come on, help me out here, Jimmy.
What a gays went for $10 million.
Do they want a homo holiday or something?
Because I can make that happen.
Harbor Day, it's fucking gone.
From now on to last Friday in April is gay day.
And everybody has to wear short shorts.
Capie.
You know, okay, Governor, I'm going to have to let you go.
But you'll think about it, right?
Not even a little bit.
Okay, well, I'm going to take that as a yes.
All right, Governor Christie.
So, here is a news story you're not going to hear anywhere else.
So, John Kerry, you know, the negotiations with Iran have been going on forever, right?
And for a while, there recently, it didn't look like they were going to happen.
Didn't look like it was going to get done.
And then it did get, well, and then John Kerry started using the Jimmy Door show Amazon.com link, and then everything turned around.
They got the deal done, the other four countries on board, and now we have a nuclear agreement and everybody feels safe again.
So I don't know if those two are connected, but using the Amazon link now has protected us from nuclear holocaust.
So if you use the, if you're going to buy something from Amazon, why not give it a shot?
Go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com and use our Amazon link.
And when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
Okay, now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Thank you.
Thank you.
you Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
We got a lot coming up in the second half of today's show.
Paula Dean is going to call in.
We take a look at the crazy platform of Scott Walker.
But right now, we get a phone call from Benjamin Netanyahu.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Yes.
Jimmy, my old friend.
Bibi, Bibi Netanyahu?
Of course, it is I, Bibi.
Oh, yeah, Prime Minister Netanyahu, how are you doing?
Not good, Jimmy.
I'm not going to lie.
Oh, no, what's wrong?
This deal.
Oh, this deal.
Oh, yeah, the Iran deal.
I heard you're not happy about that.
Oh, to say the least and devastated.
I'm in a deep funk, Jimmy.
I don't know which stage of grief is it where you drown yourself in manished.
You know, I'm not sure.
So you're getting drunk over this?
Oh, I don't get drunk, Jimmy.
Binge drinking for me only results in a steely resolve.
Wow, that sounds ominous, but why exactly are you so upset at the deal?
The rest of the world seems pretty satisfied with the deal.
Because, Jimmy, it puts not only Israel in grave danger, but also you.
Iranian-backed terrorism has killed more Americans than even al-Qaeda.
How exactly does completing mutually agreed to diplomatic negotiations, which lift sanctions on Iran, which in turn will, if anything, lessen terrorist aggression?
How does that threaten the United States?
I don't mean you're the United States.
I mean you, Jimmy Dore.
Me?
What did I do?
Well, nothing, of course.
But that matters not to an Iranian terrorist.
Look out your window.
What?
Look out your window now.
Okay, okay.
What do you see?
Cars.
There's a lady walking her dog.
What kind of dog?
It's a beagle.
Oh, okay.
You're safe.
Now, I don't get it.
Iranian terrorists are all around us.
They can take many shapes.
If that had been a Pomeranian, I would have told you to go get in the basement as quickly as you can.
They're inside my ceiling.
I hear them at night.
Pattering about.
I stand on a stepstool and whack the ceiling with the broom.
My wife simply weeps.
Wow.
This seems to have really affected you.
Yes.
But I have never been one to give in to melancholy.
I am going to fight this deal.
Mr. Prime Minister, this deal is between the United States and Iran.
You don't get to have a say in this.
Listen to me, you little monkey.
I'm not going to let you or any other Goyam American put Israel in jeopardy.
The ball.
We were building civilizations back when your Irish ancestors were primitive pig farmers on a remote island on the edge of the world.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Easy, pal.
Easy.
You think we're going to let ourselves be clowned by you?
Think again.
Well, what are you planning to do?
Preemptive strike.
Operation Prevent Second Holocaust.
That's trademarked.
Come again.
We are going to bomb Iran.
Wipe out their capability to do anything nuclear, peaceful or otherwise.
And probably bomb a bunch of other shit, too.
And you, as our allies, will have to stand by our side while we do it.
I certainly won't.
Oh, are you an anti-Semite?
No!
Then you must stand by Israel as we bomb Iran in order to prevent this horrible deal.
There's no way this deal will go through if Iran is bombed by an American ally.
You think starting World War III is preferable to this deal?
Anything is preferable to this deal.
This is a horrible deal.
Listen to your Trump.
He knows the art of the deal.
To be honest, I still remember when and where I was when I learned that Trump was a Gentile.
This is madness.
What's really behind this, buddy?
Control, Jimmy.
We need to control everything that happens in this part of the world.
If we don't, chaos and bloodshed will ensue.
Are you sure about that?
Or are you just afraid of what genuine peace in the Middle East would actually look like?
As an Israel will have to make certain concessions that it doesn't want to?
Don't be naive.
You can't negotiate with these people.
They cannot be trusted.
They have backed out of every promise they have ever made.
Iranians, Arabs, Palestinians, the whole lot of them.
That's a little rough, don't you think, Bib?
Can't we at least try for peaceful settlements?
How can Israel work towards a peaceful settlement with people who have vowed to wipe Israel off the map?
Wait, wait a minute.
What?
You just contradicted yourself.
How?
Well, on one hand, you said your enemies are all talk, never follow up on what they say, yet you take their anti-Israel bluster at face value.
So that doesn't make any sense.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
You little weasel.
Tricking me with my own words, baby.
Just like a sneaky goyam.
Well, my anti-Semitic friend can consider yourself a now-known enemy of Israel.
What?
Not only will you have to look out the window and check for shape-shifting dog terrorists, now you will have to worry about Mossad.
Come on, BB.
When you least expect it, there will be a knock on your door and we will aid off Eichmann your ass right out of Pasadena.
Please don't do this.
Tiny terrorists or my ice maker trying to fuse it.
I hear them.
I hear them.
Okay, that was BBW, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door Show.
Let's get back to the studio where I'm joined by my panel, which includes hilarious comedian, you know, me love him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Frank Conniff is with us.
The hilarious Laura Keitlinger is with us.
Also, Robert Yasamura, Michael Schertzer, and Steph Samarano sits on our panel.
Let's get back to the studio right now.
You know, for a dead-eyed, soulless politician, Scott Walker has forced everybody to lower their game recently.
He's about as electrifying as a soda cracker.
You know, some people speak from their heart.
Scott Walker speaks from the Koch brothers wallet.
We all know that.
And Scott Walker believes in giving the people what they want, you know, if those people are billionaires who want to be trillionaires.
You know what?
In 2012, people forget.
2012, Wisconsin held an election to recall Scott Walker, but it turned out nobody could recall which one was Scott Walker and he remained in office.
So here we go.
Scott Walker announced his presidency, his candidacy for presidency this week.
And here's a little bit of it.
Since I've been governor, we passed lawsuit reform and regulatory reform.
We defunded planned.
So this ought to say lawsuit reform.
So what he means is you can't, if you get hurt, you can't recover money.
They've lessened the amount of money you can recover now if you get hurt by a corporation or by a doctor.
That's what he means.
By reform, that usually means you're getting screwed.
Okay, so like when they say Medicare reform or Social Security reform, that means you are getting screwed.
So that's what he was – So here we go.
So here, let's start again.
Since I've been governor, we passed lawsuit reform and regulatory reform.
We defunded Planned Parenthood.
They funded Planned Parenthood.
Great.
Fantastic.
We made it harder for women to get reproductive services, especially poor people, sports and poor women.
We funded it.
And passed pro-life legislation.
And passed pro-life legislation.
So the thing that's interesting.
If we keep going, we can maybe take the vote away from women next year at this time.
Yay!
Take the vote away.
We put more black, we put more black people in prisons than any other country.
Well, that's my point, Laura.
You picked up on it, is that he keeps mentioning things that no one likes.
I know, but everyone's cheering.
That's what's happening.
His platform is a bunch of stuff that people don't like.
People like to be able to sue a corporation when they screw them over.
People like EPA regulations to keep their drinking water clean and their air clean.
People like those kind of things.
People like Planned Parenthood.
People like a woman's right to choose.
These are all popular things in America.
And so he's building his platform on things that are unpopular.
We're going to keep going.
Here we go.
We enacted Castle Doctrine and Concealed Carey so we can protect ourselves.
So now he's more guns.
People are, overwhelming majority of people in America want some kind of gun legislation.
90% of the people after Sandy Hook were polled and they wanted gun legislation.
They wanted lower clips.
They wanted assault rifles ban.
We didn't get it because we live in a completely corrupt.
That was the revealing of the corruption that's built in our body politic when 90% of the people wanted something.
And you know what they said?
You're not getting it because the guys who give us money don't want it.
Go ahead, Frank.
Well, you need three forms of ID to vote, but you can get a gun with an Artie's coupon.
So all these things, again, people, these are unpopular ideas.
This is the guy who they see.
He's their secret weapon.
The Republican secret weapon is this guy who's got a bag full of horrible ideas.
He keeps going.
Our families and our property.
And we now require a photo ID to vote in this state.
Why?
I mean, it's just getting worse.
And if you have blue eyes and blonde hair, you can move to the front of the line.
Yes.
And now I'd like to read from boys from Brazil my other Bible.
LAUGHTER Hehehehe.
So he's got a little bit.
This is stunning, right, Laura?
It's really, it's chilling to me.
It is chilling.
Here we go.
If our reforms can work in a blue state like Wisconsin, they can work anywhere in America.
So he says if these reforms can work, first of all, your reforms didn't work.
They're not working.
They don't work.
First of all, your economy is the worst in the Midwest.
It didn't.
The exact opposite happened.
So when you say your reforms work, you mean you got them through the legislature, but they didn't work.
You just cut taxes for millionaires and corporations, and now you have to cancel college in Wisconsin.
Okay?
So that's what they're doing.
That's what they're doing.
So this is a Republican miracle in Wisconsin, Scott Walker.
If you can be a racist here, you can be one.
If you can be a racist here.
If my racist reforms worked in Wisconsin, they can work anywhere.
It's up to you, blue states.
Blue states.
Is that how it goes?
Well, he mentions, you know, I don't know if you looked it up, but the Castle Doctrine that he mentioned.
You know what the Castle Doctrine is?
Yes, I know what it is.
Is it a reference to the show Castle?
No, no.
First, he likes to believe he's like a king.
That's why he's so excited that he passed the Castle Doctrine.
It's the intruder bill.
So if I suspect that you're trying to break into my house and cause me arm, whether you're armed or not, I can kill you.
Yes, that's the Castle Doctrine.
So that's basically the you can shoot someone through your own front door lock.
Yes.
So that's my castle.
See, yeah.
You know, that's good for the country.
So this is, I mean, this is his vision for America.
Harder to vote.
Are you saying he wants to make people's lives shittier and pay them less?
Yeah, more guns, harder to vote, less no protections for lower pay, harder to get reproductive services for women.
So when you're driving your 12 kids in your 10-year-old Corolla and it breaks down and you go over to a neighbor's house to knock on the door to get some help, they're going to shoot you through the door.
Well, you remember Wisconsin rocks.
In Detroit, there was literally, this just happened I think a year ago.
There was a black girl.
It was like three in the morning.
Her car, she got an accident.
The other person, whatever happened, her car broke down.
She knocked on someone's door for help.
Yeah.
Her cell phone, I think, wasn't working or had run out of batteries or something.
Guy shot her through the door with a shotgun.
So that guy got prosecuted.
That guy's in jail.
Go ahead, Frank.
Oh, I was going to ask, do you end up helping her?
Statistically.
He called Triple-A, to be fair.
Yeah, that's what I was wondering.
So listen, so then Scott Walker, after he announced, he sat down with Sean Hannity.
Oh, and just, I don't know, I could play the whole thing.
It was like a 15-minute interview.
It was just a head spinning, the whole thing.
So I'll just, here's just a couple of things.
Here's his big ideas.
I think it is appropriate for our defense budget to be higher than it is currently.
This is a guy who wants smaller government, and the first thing he says is, I think we should have a bigger defense department.
We now spend more money on defense, the United States, than the next 80,000 countries combined plus Pluto.
They just found out.
So that's a lot.
So that's a lot.
And we never got our peace dividend, right?
So we don't have an enemy anymore, except that our enemies have box cutters, right, and YouTube videos, yet we still spend a trillion dollars a year in our war machine, even though we don't need it.
Anyway, there's been enough.
So this guy's first thing out of the box.
We're laying, we have 40 kids per classroom.
This guy says we got to.
I think it is appropriate for our defense budget to be higher than it is currently.
I think that is a primary responsibility of the federal government.
And then you've got to have the responsibility then and the courage to go out and take on the other big challenge.
Yeah, that's what America's calling for.
Someone with the courage to do the bidding of defense contractors.
And then to have the guts to go on and do the bidding of oil companies and banks, too, of course.
That's what America's.
This is their canon.
This is their secret weapon.
So brave.
This is their secret weapon calling for more.
This is his big plan.
We've got to spend more on defense.
Right now, this is his big idea.
We're still 40 kids in the classroom.
They're turning roads into gravel in Texas.
We've got droughts from cold.
This guy says more on defense.
We're selling AK-47s to the ice mountains in Pluto.
And I just.
Yes.
That's why we need some money.
Yeah, because we're making a lot.
They're making money from just trading to.
By the way, the F-35 just came online, and it's a dud.
It's a trillion-dollar airplane that we're bringing online, just as drones are going to be the dominant way of air warfare is done.
And it's a dud.
Everybody says it's not a good plane.
It's super dangerous.
It's...
You'll be flagged southwest.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
That is the slave ship of air travel, by the way.
They shouldn't have that drummer at the front, I don't think.
So here's Scott Walker.
He says, of course, he is a conservative.
He wants to balance the budget.
Here's how's he going to do it?
How do you balance the budget?
Sean asks him.
How do you get their budget in balance?
Like you are mostly.
Again, by shifting major portions, you allow the part that's left.
I think the left problem is the left gives a free pass to government spending.
They don't want any accountability.
Sometimes those in our own party hate government so much they want to shrink it, which I'm for, but they don't want the little bit that's left to work.
Well, Ronald Reagan had the biggest deficits in the history of our country up until his time.
So he blew the deficits a skyrocket.
And that's what they said won the Cold War because he ramped up our defense so much.
And ever since then, we never ramped it back down.
Did I misinterpret what he said?
Was he saying that his plan for balancing the budget was shifting?
Yes, he's talking about block-granting programs.
He says, so to take the money we spend on Medicare, send it to the states, send the money we spend, so send everything to shift everything to the states.
He doesn't want the federal government to do anything except defense.
And that's what we should spend even more on.
And that, ironically, he's more on.
And we all know how block grants work.
Block grants don't expand at the rate of inflation.
So essentially, you're spending a lot.
It's a substantial cut in programs.
And you're also sending it to the states with no regulation.
So you get states like, I don't know, Alabama who don't know what the hell they're doing.
Right.
And they completely misuse the funds.
That's exactly what they want.
Let me hear this again.
Sometimes those in our own party hate government so much they want to shrink it, which I'm for, but they don't.
They want to shrink it.
Like, you know how Ronald Reagan did and George Bush did, except they didn't.
George Bush grew the government.
You know who's shrinking the government?
Barack Obama.
There's less government employees today than he took office.
And Bill Clinton had a surplus, which.
Yes, and Bill Clinton had a surplus when he left office.
So again, the exact opposite of reality is what Scott Walker is offering America right now.
And now his big plan.
I think the federal government's too big, too expensive, too much a part of their life.
It needs to be arranged in.
But for the part that's left that's necessary and defensible, defense being a good example, we should make it work.
It's not working effectively now.
It's an outrage that we're not giving our men and women in uniform the resources they need to keep us safe.
It's an outrage that we're not giving.
So what he says, so by the way, if you spend more money on defense, that doesn't mean that the men and women are going to get more money in their paycheck or they're going to get body armor or they're going to get better Humvees or anything.
All that means is that some defense contractor is going to put a couple more billion dollars in his pocket.
That's all that.
That doesn't mean we're going to have a better VA or we're going to take care of our soldiers better or they're going to get better food in the battlefield or better equipment or their families are going to get better health care.
None of that.
Nothing.
All that means is we're going to take more tax dollars we could spend on a school or we could spend on a library or a road or a job program in America and we're going to take that money and spend it in the least effective way possible, which is spend it on defense.
I like Blackwater.
Yes.
I, for one, am outraged that we are wasting money on things like health care when we could be killing innocent people.
So here's the one last clip I'll play of Scott Walker.
Here's his ideas to help workers out.
You ready?
The left claims that they're for American workers, and they just got really lame ideas, things like the minimum wage.
Again, something that's overwhelmingly popular, the minimum wage.
In fact, did you know, according to a Hart poll, that 75% of Americans support raising the federal minimum wage?
Wow.
That's 92% of Democrats, 73% of independents, and 53% of Republicans support raising the federal minimum wage.
That means that even a majority of Republicans are against the ideas that Scott Walker is touting.
This is why I'm bringing this up.
Every idea he has, the majority of Americans are against it.
Not one thing he said that the majority of Americans are for.
And this guy thinks he's, this is his platform.
This is mind-blowing how out of touch the Republicans are.
They just keep going back.
They've been getting their ass kicked on a national level.
They would have lost the Congress if they didn't gerrymander the hell out of it.
This is unbelievable that this is being allowed to happen, and I think this is being allowed to happen because of the guy he's talking to, which is Sean Hannity.
It's because of the Fox Newsification of the Republican Party.
And if you notice, when the Republican Party went off the rails and went bat crap crazy, it was when Fox News came on the air.
Because they used to have responsible Republicans.
Ronald Reagan raised taxes 15 times.
Bob Dole was a responsible Republican.
They used to propose things like the Affordable Care Act as a way to help people get health care.
That was their idea.
They don't do that stuff anymore.
They had Barack Obama had to carry the Republicans'health care plan because they wouldn't even do that.
You know, I don't even understand what he means by that minimum wage is a lame idea because you should be able to pay people less.
Or what is he saying?
What does he mean?
Yes, that's what he's saying.
Let the market sort it out.
Right.
He's saying that the free market will sort it out and that you're actually – all that stuff that's been proven not true over and over and over again.
That raising the minimum wage doesn't cost anybody any jobs.
It actually helps the economy because more money in the pockets of workers, that's what stimulates an economy, and FDR proved that.
It's called demand-side economics.
But what we're – what they're proposing and what we've been living under since 1980 is supply-side economic, which is why we now have the biggest income disparity in America since the Gilded Age.
And 50 percent of all wage earners earn less than $30,000.
And it's because of guys like Scott Walker's ideas.
Yeah, the jury is in.
It's a historic fact that trickles out economics don't work.
That shouldn't even be a debate anymore.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Like these are all failed ideas.
These are ideas that are unpopular.
This is their secret weapon, Scott Walker.
This is the guy everybody's afraid of.
Hillary Clinton's so afraid of her, she's starting to name him in her speeches.
This guy.
So we heard about what happened with Paula Deen.
She got in trouble.
Her son dressed up in brown face to do a Ricky Ricardo sketch.
Anyway, she gave me a phone call, and here it is.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy.
Here it is again.
Who's this now?
Oh, it's your mama dear, Paula Deen.
Hi.
It's Food Network star Paula Deen.
Hey, how are you, Paula?
Not so good, baby.
Jimmy, I got in trouble again.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Paul.
I heard about that.
A photo surfaced of your adult son in Darkface.
And now everybody's made it, man.
I don't understand why.
Well, Paula, Darkface is pretty offensive.
But he wasn't pretending to be a black judge.
I mean, it's not like he was all, you know, black or nothing.
He was just an I Love Lucy sketch, and he was being Ricky.
Now, the beauty of Paula Deen is that she is ignorant to her racism.
She doesn't understand.
It's not sweet.
Anyway, you know there's a lot more of that Paula Deen call, and how do you hear it?
Yeah, you got to get the premium podcast.
how do you get that you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com you click on join premium you make your five dollar donation a month that's it if you pay for the whole year at once we'll give you a month free and then we'll send you a passcode and you get to hear all of the premium content and if you've paid and you haven't gotten yours your your passcode please send me an email at my old timey email jimmydoor at earthlink.net and we'll set you right up with that okay and you know we also don't have time to get to our luke russard clip but i got to tell you it breaks my heart not to include it in this
week's show because luke russert really really became the ultimate luke russert this week and um i guess i'll put that in the premium content oh my god anyway so uh this week's show that's right this week's show was written by mike mcrae frank conniff robert yasimura mark van landuit steph zamarano and michael schertzer all the voices on the show this week performed by the one and the only the inimitable mike mcrae who can be found at mikemcray.com
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