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Sept. 13, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
There is a silver lining to what seems like one of the worst weeks in NFL history.
I'll get to that in a moment, but first the bad news.
So on Monday, TMZ Sports releases video of Ray Rice punching his fiancé, Janae Palmer, in the face.
She hit her head so hard on the elevator railing, it's amazing she isn't dead or worse, married to Ray Rice.
She was knocked out like in the movies when a guy gets hit on the head with a vase and he's out cold just long enough for the hero to do whatever heroic thing he needs to do right before the montage.
By the way, the Revel Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, that's where Rice and Palmer were.
It cost $2.4 billion, opening in May of 2012 with promises of reinventing Atlantic City luxury.
Turns out there's no such thing.
It closed this week.
A Florida developer is offering $90 million for it.
It cost $2.4 billion.
There's no way Chris Christie didn't fuck that up.
By the way, Ray Rice, where'd he go to college?
Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.
I'd like to blame Christie for that, too.
Anyway, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said no one in the league office saw the video before TMZ posted it, except now the AP is reporting a law enforcement official gave it to someone in the NFL office in April who called back leaving a message saying, you're right, it's terrible.
Now, in Goodell's defense, I had a lot of stuff on my to-do list in April that I haven't gotten to either.
Let me give you a little background on Roger Goodell.
The NFL paid him $44.2 million last year.
That's not sports commissioner money.
That's selling worthless mortgages money.
That's Angelo Mozillo cash.
Jamie Dimon read that figure and stopped burning $100 bills for nearly a minute.
Get me Roger Goodell's agent, he screamed into his 40-carat emerald embossed iPhone 7.
Yeah, he's got a 7.
So a lot of journalists and columnists are asking this Nixonian question of Goodell.
What did he know?
When did he know it?
That ignores the most likely scenario, which is a splendid combination of incompetence and indifference, or as I like to call it, the Dick Cheney way.
The NFL didn't conduct a thorough investigation because the NFL didn't care.
The league claims when the police refused to release the tape, that was it.
What else could they do?
The league didn't even try to get the tape from the casino because they wanted to get it only from, quote, a credible source.
Huh.
Where do you think the police got it?
How do the cops acting as middlemen render the primary source uncredible?
What's incredible is that this wasn't a priority for the NFL.
Some girl got punched.
She's fine.
She's still with him.
No big deal.
In the NFL, domestic violence is like domestic help.
You keep the same cleaning woman until she starts stealing the silver, even though it's probably your deadbeat 17-year-old daughter selling the silver for meth.
So back to the top.
Why was this secretly a good week in the NFL?
Because Terry and Kim Pegula, the owners of Hockey's Buffalo Sabres, are reportedly set to become the new owners of the Buffalo Bills.
And why is this good news?
Because one of the finalists to buy the bills was Donald Trump.
Lying, deceitful, bigoted, and unjustly arrogant Donald Trump, the man who wanted to leave brave American healthcare workers behind in West Africa to die of Ebola because they knew the risks of helping people and should, quoting Trump, suffer the consequences.
Thankfully, Buffalo won't have to suffer the consequences of having an egomaniacal simpleton running their team.
The bills are now free to disappoint the people of Buffalo the old-fashioned way, by sucking.
Yeah, great job.
Nice.
I want a heart to be back.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered loffies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in the studio to my right from Turner Classic Movies.
It's my good buddy Ben Mankiewicz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
Jimmy, what's going on?
It's good to see you across the glass, the host of the Comedy Film Nerds popular podcast.
It's my good buddy from Chicago, Grab Elwood.
Hello, Graham.
Hello, Jimmy.
Always great to be on Reddit.
Hey, nice to hear your voice.
I love it.
Let's talk like this for the whole show.
I do it sometimes by myself.
Now I have a friend.
Across from him, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasabura.
It's our favorite Japanese man, Robert Yasabura.
How you doing?
Ohio.
Hi, Ohio.
Connects to him, our resident Latina, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, and the new blog, The Miserable Liberal.
It's Steph Zamarado.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy, and I'll be giving the weather on the tens.
Okay, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
You know, I can't wait for the fall premieres of the TV shows are coming out very soon.
I cannot wait for the upcoming fall premieres of brand new TV shows that I might eventually watch on Netflix in a few years.
Hey, by the way, did you hear Panera Bread outlawing guns at Panera Bread?
How am I going to protect myself while I'm crying and stuffing my feelings with a cinnamon crunch scone?
The only way to stop a bad flatbread, Jimmy, is a good flatbread.
That's right.
There's a bad guy with a flatbread by the ice team machine.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way, by the way, CBS, there's an opening for a late-night host.
And, you know, there's so many funny women qualified to host the late late show on CBS.
They still haven't filled that slot.
I bet an unknown white guy is available, and CBS is going to go for it.
I hope it's David Gregory.
It's some white guy from...
By the way, I don't know much about football, but I gather the biggest NFL moves are passing, tackling, and looking the other way.
Solid joke.
Hey, did you hear there's a new Apple iPhone?
There's a new Apple iPhone, and it's going to change the way we think about things we don't really need.
There's a clock on the iPhone, and now the Apple Watch also has a clock, which proves that we live in a golden age of knowing what time it is.
Hey, I don't know if you know that, but the New York Times did an article on Dick Cheney, and they mistakenly referred to him as President Cheney, and not the more accurate title, asshole.
Cheney.
I think it.
That's right.
Hey, Phil Robertson, you know him from Duck Dynasty.
Phil Robertson says AIDS is God's punishment to homosexuals.
And Phil Robertson, I think, is God's punishment to everyone.
Why stop at foreign policy?
Because they keep bringing John McCain on the news shows.
He was on every news show last night after Barack Obama's speech.
And I say, why stop at foreign policy with John McCain?
Why not have John McCain on to talk about movies and music and fashion and all the other shit he knows absolutely nothing about, too?
Thank you very much.
Got applause on that joke.
Hey, By the way, Obama, Michael Moore says Obama will be remembered only as the first black president, says Michael Moore, who I'm assuming already had health care.
That must be it.
Ah, good jokes today, Jimmy.
Hey, by the way, the big ISIS struggle is happening.
This new existential threat that is, you know, all pretending made up.
But the pundits are describing Obama's ISIS strategy as muddled, unlike the Claire Clarity of invading a country that didn't attack us.
And by the way, did you know that the most popular music style in Washington among pundits and politicians, do you know what it is?
It's the drumbeat for war.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
War is a racket, and we're going to talk about it.
Barack Obama tells us we are really at threat, but not really.
But maybe we should do something, but I don't know what, but maybe we might.
Then the generals who want to scare the crap out of us about nothing.
John McCain goes back on TV and gets spit-slapped by John Carney.
Jay Carnegie Carney.
Jay Carney.
Hey, Cruz and Ted Cruz and the Jews.
What does that mean?
We're going to find out.
Ted Cruz and the Jews get some booze.
That's what happened.
That's right.
Hey, by the way, Megan McCain, we're finally going to get to the Megan McCain clip where she proves that Sarah Palin is not the dumbest person John McCain knows.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Barack Obama.
Mel Gibson calls in.
Ron Paul calls in.
And we got Mike from St. Louis who's going to talk about Ferguson.
That's today, plus a lot, lot more on the Jimmy Dorshow.
I don't know if you know, but war is a racket.
Huh?
I didn't make that up.
That was made up by a guy named General Smedley, who was, when he died, the most decorated veteran in America.
He wrote a book in the 1930s after he had served in World War I and what have you.
And it was called War is a Racket.
And I just want to read one paragraph from that book.
War is a racket.
It always has been.
It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious.
It is the only one international in scope.
It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people.
Only a small inside group knows what it is about.
It is conducted for the benefit of a very few at the expense of very many.
Out of war, a few people make huge profits.
So that was by a guy named General Smedley.
So he was some liberal hippie that treat hugging general.
Yes.
And he wrote that in 1935.
He pointed out in 1935 that the U.S. was engaging in military war games in the Pacific.
Did you know that?
I didn't know that.
In 1935, prior to World War II, the United States was engaging in war games in the Pacific that were bound to provoke the Japanese.
Smedley says the Japanese, a proud people, of course, will be pleased beyond expression to see the United States fleet so close to Nippon's shore.
Even as pleased as even as pleased as would be the residents of California, were they to dimly discern through the morning mist the Japanese fleet playing at war games off Los Angeles.
So he's being sarcastic and saying that what are we doing over there?
What are we asking for?
A war?
I didn't know that happened.
Did you know that happened, Brown?
No, I did not.
Did you know that happened, Ben?
I bet Robert knew.
That's goddamn right.
That's right.
Robert internment camp, Yasabura.
Actually, my people were busy farming up north in California.
Yeah.
Being good and Americans.
That's right.
Farming, another word for spying.
Go on, Jimmy.
So that's right.
And by the way, not for nothing, but this Schmedley guy, I'm pretty sure the American Navy doing war games in the Pacific isn't what made Japan invade China.
Right.
Yeah, that's a fair point.
That is a fair point.
That is a fair point.
Japan had a couple of irons in the fire, so to speak, with regards to World War II.
Oh, yeah.
So he proposed a few things to stop us from doing these kind of war profiteering moves.
And the first one he said was make war unprofitable.
He suggests that owners of capital should be conscripted before other citizens are.
Quote, it can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war.
The only way to smash this racket is to conscript capital and industry and labor before the nation's manhood can be conscripted.
Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our shipbuilders and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all other things that provide profit in times of war, as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted to get $30 a month the same wage as the lads in the trenches get.
So what they're saying is if you work at a company and your company makes stuff that's going to be used in a war and it's sold in a war, you're going to get paid the same wage as soldiers get paid, no matter where you work in that company.
Yeah.
During a war.
Sure.
And that will take the profit motive out of war.
I thought they were suggesting that those guys actually get drafted and have to fight because that is a surefire way to lose a war.
Well, he's saying that too.
That's what he means by conscripting.
Well, here's what he means.
No, he means by, no, he means what Jimmy's saying.
He means that everyone who basically everybody becomes a public utility.
And you can't get right.
And you don't exactly.
So that's what happens when a war starts is no one can profit from it.
And here's how he has one more thing.
He says acts of war should be decided by those who fight it.
He suggests a limited referendum to determine if a war is to be fought, meaning only eligible to vote would be those who risk death at the front lines.
So if you are at the age of you would be drafted to go fight, you get to vote on whether we go to war.
No one else, the people who would fight in it, get to decide if we're going to go fight in it, not the people who don't fight in it.
Yeah, but he wrote that before he got a load of California's referendum system.
It's a catastrophe.
So that was, so I like those two ideas.
Those would be great ideas.
They're never going to happen.
That's the first one.
I don't like the second one.
Because war is a racket.
I like this.
Right.
And that's why we haven't, we are hearing about this book 80 years later.
Right.
This book hasn't been.
Weird that this book wasn't taught in schools.
I never heard of this book until just the other day.
Somebody I was reading somewhere online and I came across it.
It doesn't help that the general sounds like he's a Simpsons character.
You mean General Smedley?
General Smedley.
General Schmedley.
Yeah.
Make the man conscripted at the same wage.
I think his name was Butler Schmedley.
Even worse.
Of course it was.
His name is Butler Schmedley.
It was either that or Beauregard.
General Beauregard.
Josephus Schmedley.
So why do I bring this up, folks?
I don't know.
Why would you bring it?
Why would I bring something in?
That's a Good question, Jimmy.
Why would you?
Because in my lifetime, I've lived a short time, not long so far.
Still a short life.
About half my life is used up right now.
And pretty optimistic, Jimmy.
It is, it is.
I don't smoke cigarettes.
And I'm a very moderate alcohol drinker.
Okay.
And pot cures cancer.
Okay.
So I'm all set.
But I do worry a lot.
I think that might put me.
Anyway, what I'm talking about here is in my lifetime, I've seen this pattern over and over.
The powers that be, all of a sudden out of nowhere, like they found a boogeyman.
They found an enemy that is posing an existential threat to us right now.
And we got to hurry up and spend a lot of money fighting them.
Now, it was first started for me in the 80s when Ronald Reagan wanted to fight the Sandinistas.
And we wanted to back the Contras.
He had to give money to the Contras to go fight these communists, Sandinistas.
And the big thing was they could drive their car here.
Remember that?
They could drive their car to the United States from Central America.
Do you remember that?
Yeah, yeah.
They would say that.
They could drive their car here.
So that was, I was like, wow, that's pretty scary.
And then just not too far after that, not too long after that, was the first Gulf War.
And the new boogeyman was Saddam Hussein.
And I don't know if you remember this, Graham, but they had women testifying in front of Congress to how bad the Iraqi soldiers were.
And they said stories about Iraqi soldiers came into Kuwait and went into nursing hospitals, picked babies out of incubators and threw them on the ground.
Oh my God, we have to go in there.
We have to go to Kuwait.
That turned out that those women were being, that woman who said that was on the take.
She was being paid.
Her father was an ambassador.
I was blah, blah, blah.
And it was all made up.
But, oh, my God, we went in there, didn't we?
And then after Saddam Hussein was bad, then there was a new boogeyman, which was the Al-Qaeda.
Oh, my God.
They're the worst ever.
They're crazy.
Worst of the worst.
Since Guantanamo, right?
Suicide bombers.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we've got to take them there.
Then after Al-Qaeda, then it was Saddam Hussein again.
We had to go in.
Saddam Hussein's worse than the Nazis.
He's worse than Al-Qaeda.
He's worse than everybody.
Forget the incubators.
He's got rape rooms.
He's got rape rooms.
That's right.
Let's not forget, too, that he was our ally.
Right.
Yes.
In the 80s.
That's right.
We backed him in the Iraq-Iran war.
It's like, how do you know he has those weapons?
Well, we looked at the receipt, right?
That's the old joke, right?
We all dated a lot of girls.
We were regretting that.
Yeah, that's right.
So then after Al-Qaeda and then Saddam again, which was Hitler, the worst ever.
Now there's someone even worse than all those people.
10 years later, there's someone even worse.
It's called ISIS.
They're so bad.
They do things that no one else would ever do.
I don't know.
I thought we know we already, we had the kamikazes.
They were suicide bombers.
We had the Nazis.
They put people, women, children, kids in ovens.
I don't think anybody could be worse than that.
But now they're all, then we got Saddam.
We got the Sandinistas.
We got the Al-Qaeda.
Now we got ISIS.
And it just seems like it's one endless line of fearmongering.
And I'll tell you, so how do you start a war?
Well, first, you get the president to come out and say that.
Because if you remember, he wanted to go into Syria before.
About a year ago, maybe a little longer, over a year ago, he wanted to go into Syria.
And because they were doing chemical weapons, you can't, even though they had already been killing their own people by the tens of thousands, all of a sudden they killed a couple hundred people with chemicals.
And all of a sudden we have to start bombing.
That's how we're going to fix this problem.
We're going to bomb.
So we stopped them and they came out with a new way to get us to bomb Syria.
So I'm sure the CIA went and somehow invented ISIS, just like they invented the Al-Qaeda.
You know, the Al Qaeda is a CIA invention, right?
You know that we invented Al-Qaeda.
And so now, and then they, and so Al-Qaeda is our friend sometimes.
Sometimes they're our enemy.
Right now, Al-Qaeda is our friend.
That's right.
Al-Qaeda's on our side fighting against ISIS, son of a bitch.
How could we be working with people worse than the Nazis?
How could we be doing that?
But we are.
And here's Barack Obama came out just the other night.
And where's the threat coming from now?
The greatest threats come from the Middle East and North Africa.
Oh, the greatest threats.
There's a lot of other ones, but the greatest ones come from the Middle East.
Haven't that threat been coming from the Middle East ever since we went into the Gulf War, 1990?
What was that?
92, 91?
91.
So now, but Barack has to explain to me how these guys, they have to be scarier than the Al-Qaeda because we're not scared of them anymore.
We're not scared of Saddam.
We're not saying, we got to find what are these guys?
Are these guys worse than the rest of them, Barack?
And on cue, Barack Obama.
These terrorists are unique in their brutality.
They execute captured prisoners.
They kill children.
They enslave, rape, and force women into marriage.
They threaten the religious minority with genocide.
And in acts of barbarism, they took the lives of two American journalists, Jim Foley and Stephen Sotloff.
Well, I think we should spend at least a couple of billion dollars, don't you think?
I think we should immediately spend a couple.
Can't we fix this with some million-dollar bombs, some $500 million bombs or something?
I mean, this has got to be something.
But wait a minute.
Maybe it'll cost too much.
Can we get in?
How many troops will it take?
I don't, you know what I mean?
Let's go to a general, Anthony Zinni.
Remember, I played him before on the show.
Here's what he says about it.
The boots on the ground question is always the toughest one.
I wish we were not so paranoid about boots on the ground.
We can't even define it.
There's going to have to be special operations forces.
There's going to have to be people that can call in and adjust air and fires and advisors to be with these units.
And very simply put, if you put two brigades on the ground right now of U.S. forces, they would push ISIS back into Syria in a heartbeat and probably take less time, less cost, and I think in the long run, fewer casualties overall.
See, all we have to do is just go back to war in the Middle East and it'll be all fixed.
Everything will be perfect.
All we need to do is go back, right?
Grab them, go back to Iraq.
I mean, we just got out of Iraq after, I don't know, nine years or something.
Yeah, I mean, we've only been in Afghanistan for 13 years.
Yeah.
I mean, it's our longest war.
Lucky 13.
It's lucky in Italy.
So 13.
That's right.
That's right.
You know what?
You never find the Afghan war in a casino elevator.
I'll tell you that, though.
There's no 13th.
I know that they were talking about there's controversy about having boots on the ground, but how about puss and boots?
Oh, puss and boots on the ground.
So we got the general telling us how easy it would be.
We've been pushing them back, but 9,000, we got a couple of battalions.
But what really, the people, American people are war wary, and they only go for something short of an easy win.
Do you got anything like that behind the counter?
You got an easy win behind the counter?
We could destroy ISIS in 90 days.
Oh, I'll take the 90-day war.
That's what the first Gulf War was 100.
We got that wrapped up in 100 days.
Remember?
That was nothing to do.
Yeah, the first Gulf War ended in 2003 and then again in 2011.
I'm sorry, the second Gulf War.
Who are we here?
It's a Lieutenant General Tom McHenry.
Okay.
Yes, Lieutenant General Tom McCarran.
So great.
I'll take the 90-day war, a 90-day war, and you can keep your Syria drought relief.
Right?
Because that's what started this war was a drought directly connected to global warming, climate change.
Syria put out a call to the UN.
Can you please help us with this drought?
The UN said, go pound sand, wait till you guys have a civil war, and then we'll bomb you.
And that's what's happening.
So, here, he's got some more to say, this general.
If we wanted to, the beheadings that we have just witnessed are clear indications by ISIS to the American people.
We are not afraid of you.
We are coming after you.
This is a very, very dangerous warning that we're getting, and America should upgrade our alert status to DEF CON 1.
We've never done it before, but beware, America.
They are coming after us.
Wow, that's nice.
Fox News to offer some sane and sober military analysis by a guy who escaped from an Ed Wood movie.
So they're coming after us because they beheaded two Americans.
Did they capture these guys in Akron?
I think they got them right in the middle of Mesopotamia.
Yeah, they were already there.
There's really no indication that they're coming after us, and that's really almost the most significant point.
No evidence.
None.
No evidence that they're coming that they're coming after us.
They're not really a threat to us now.
They're a very, I mean, yeah.
The only threat that they pose is the threat that terrorism has been posing now for a while, which is, okay, it happened at Boston a year ago, you know, over a year ago.
Like, that's that.
That's there.
It's always been there.
It's been there since Timothy McVeigh.
Yeah, really.
There's a home, there's homegrown Obama, very many homegrown lunabites.
About the guy who was blowing up, who went and hid in the North Carolina forest, Eric Rudolph.
I mean, lots of domestic terrorism.
Yeah.
Chris Christie, the NRC, the NRA, the NRA are domestic war profiteers.
So where is the battle cry for them?
But like even different, that's all true, but even different from Al-Qaeda, which had a clear mandate that they wanted to strike America.
There isn't that here.
And in fact, in the video of the barbaric videos of the beheadings, what did they say?
They say, because you're here, because you're here, not we're going to strike you there.
So there is, and in fact, finally, this way, a really good AP story this week saying, like, hold on, slow down.
They probably have 20,000 guys.
That's it.
They are vastly outnumbered by the Syrian army and Iraqi army.
Vastly, vastly outnumbered.
But we have got caught up in this because these guys are skilled at social media.
These guys have sold us a bill of goods about how powerful and strong they are.
And I'm not minimizing them.
They're serious threats there, but they have played us, and it makes me feel like we are doing precisely what they want us.
you you Okay, so I'm going to try and get the president on the line and talk about what's been happening lately.
Can we get him on?
Hello, who is this?
Hello.
Jimmy B, this is Barack Obama.
Oh, hello, Brock.
How's it going, my war-mongering peace winner?
Hey, I'm your president in case you've forgotten, buddy.
Yeah, yeah.
Just cooling down after my big foreign policy speech.
Tonight, I was originally going to talk about the life and times of Joan Rivers.
At least she died doing what she loved most.
What does she love most?
Surgery.
Oh, come on.
Wow.
Barack.
That's a good joke, buddy.
I might have to.
I'm going to steal that one from my new special.
Is that okay?
Can I take it?
I'm serious.
Oh, you can have it, Jimmy.
Okay, thank you, buddy.
As I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if starting Iraq War 3.0 will overshadow my achievements as a transformative president.
Yeah, maybe it will, seeing that your actions are the opposite of being a transformative president.
Yeah.
I gave the country Rondaca.
Yeah, you did.
You gave it.
I got America out of the Middle East on Bush's time.
Yeah, I'm Bush's timetable.
You got us out of it.
You reigned in Wall Street by giving them hundreds of billions in dollars.
Yeah, that's not really reigning them in.
But putting our military back in Iraq might tarnish my legacy.
Yeah, to say the least, you can't end a war and then start another war in the same place a few more months later and then think you're still going to have the legacy of being a transformative president.
Do you understand?
You're doing the exact thing we don't want.
Well, hold on now.
I was going to call the bluff on those pansies in Congress.
They were shaking the shit out of their trousers that I let them vote on the authorization of force.
They don't want to take responsibility for anything, but they want to still be able to complain about it.
Okay, so, but what about getting the media to go along with your Iraq war like they did Bush's Iraq war?
What do you?
I thought it would be a battle getting the media on board.
But it turns out they don't put much of a fight at all, except for you.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I know.
Have you seen Chris Matthews lately?
He's freaking out.
Oh, yeah, Chris Matthews, the guy who demands all this fake credit for being against the Iraq war when it started, saying we have to declare war against ISIS.
Yeah, you caught him flip-flopping bullshit too.
You notice that, that he's a flip-flopper on that?
Oh, man, Matthew's mind changes as much as his hair changes color.
One day it's green, next it's white, and it's so fluorescent yellow that it goes in the dark.
Yeah, I don't know.
Green.
I don't know.
I don't know if I've ever seen it green.
Have you?
And the awful beheadings of journalists in Iraq.
I'm very concerned about protecting journalists' ability to report information.
Really?
Just ask James Risen.
Okay, listen, Barack, you know that your administration has been the most regressive and threatening to journalists in America in our recent history.
You know that, right?
And after we got duped into going to Iraq the first time, how do you expect to dupe the people to get to go along with you into Iraq this time?
The American people themselves don't need any convincing.
It's the summer.
It's hot.
They want to kick somebody's ass.
They want it to be easy.
But ISIS isn't a threat to us, right?
You said that.
No, ISIS is a threat to Americans, particularly if Americans are over there.
Yeah, but if they go to a war zone, and then they're a threat from ISIS.
If Americans go into that war zone, right?
Then they're a threat.
We need to give military.
We're going to continue.
Let me finish.
Okay.
To give military assistance to the Iraqi army, the Syrian opposition, and Sunni moderates.
Now, how are you going to tell the difference between a free Syrian army fighter and an al-Qaeda fighter or a Shia Iraqi fighter or a Sunni fighter or ISIS fighter?
How are you going to tell the difference between these fighters and the ISIS fighters?
How are you going to do that?
ISIL fighters are easy to identify from other Islamic militants because they wear those little ISIL hats.
Okay.
This is just another long war with no end in sight, President.
This is another long war.
We're going to take money we don't have, pump it into the Middle East for no reason.
Have you talked to your intelligence?
What is the intelligence apparatus telling you about the Middle East?
Look, I went over to the NSA, wanted an update about what ISIS was up to.
Those clowns just wanted to show me Jennifer Lawrence selfies.
By the way, goddamn.
Okay, listen, can't we just drop some bombs, get ISIS behind the Syrian border and quit this Middle East bullshit once and for all, Mr. President?
I think that's what the American people want.
They want to get this done once and for all, okay?
As I said tonight, this will be a long-term engagement.
You don't believe me?
Just look at Boeing, Raytheon, and Lockheed Martin stock prices in the morning.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
You don't worry how we're going to have to pay for this war?
You don't worry about that?
You don't worry where all the money is going to be coming from.
We don't have money for cops, bridges, firemen, roads, Teachers.
My wife's got 40 kids in her classroom, but we have money to bomb endlessly in the Middle East at the drop of a hat.
Well, don't worry.
We'll pay for this new war with all that money we're not spending on public education.
Okay, you're horrible.
And Michael Moore was right.
How about that?
Okay, Jimmy, my cell phone battery is dying.
Or should I say degrading you?
Okay.
Peace is just around the corner.
Oh, yeah, peace is just around the corner.
Okay, Mr. President.
Ultra, over and out.
Okay, President Barack Obama.
Hey, I hope you're enjoying today's show and sketches and talking about things.
And my friend Graham Elwood on the show.
And I was just, you know, first of all, you never know what's going to happen, right?
So we all know who Jay Moore is, Jay Moore from Saturday Night Live and from hosting Last Comic Standing and from all the movies he's been in.
And so we all know who Jay Moore is, hilarious comedian.
And he tweeted out the other day.
He became my new favorite person in Hollywood.
He tweeted out a picture of my book and it said, this is my favorite book I've read all year.
And then he booked me on his podcast and I went out to his house and we did his show and he was gushing.
It was so nice.
Anyway, it was really unexpected.
But he did something during his show that I picked up on.
He told people to put a bookmark in their browser for his website, Jaymoor.
Whatever his website is, you know what mine is.
It's JimmyDoorComedy.com.
So you put a bookmark there.
And whenever you want to buy something from Amazon, you just go to that bookmark that says JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And then you click on the Amazon box.
And boom, that's it.
So it's not even an extra step.
So now we urge you to, every time when you go to Amazon to buy something, you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com first and click on our box.
That guarantees that we'll get credit for your purchase.
Okay.
So if you want to help support the show and it doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, just go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and you click on our Amazon box.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
So it doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change how you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
And big thanks to everybody who does that, who thinks of us when you buy something from Amazon.
Okay, now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Shall we?
Yes, we shall.
We're going to do it right now.
Here it comes.
The second half.
Bam.
I'll just tell you, I was reading right before the show.
And it's I got an iPhone 5, bitches.
Okay.
I was reading a post from a fan of mine who was in Iraq.
He's an Iraq vet.
I think I, because I've gone over there, performed several times.
And his post, he was like, look, I've served over there.
I sometimes force is necessary.
He goes, but I'm concerned that these guys use YouTube to get the president to just knee-jerk.
Now, this is not some, he's not some liberal dude.
You know, this is a guy who signed up for the military, did several tours.
General Smedley.
General Smedley.
You know, I'm sure he owns guns for hunting and all that kind of stuff.
And he was like, so all ISIS needs to do is a couple of YouTube videos and we're going to commit all of this.
Yes, exactly, Graham.
Wait, wait, wait.
Exactly.
Wait a second.
ISIS, let's point out a few things.
ISIS has managed to take two of the largest cities in the country of Iraq.
Take them.
They own them.
Correct.
Second of all, a lot of this pressure is coming from British intelligence who are like, there are a lot of English-speaking guys who could easily, who have, who are carrying European passports, who could easily find their way back into Europe.
That's why that's where a lot of the pressure in terms of terrorism is coming.
This isn't like joke stuff.
They took two cities.
These are the actual threat here.
But Robert, yeah, they've taken two cities.
Roughly a third of Iraq and roughly a third of Syria is what they control.
But we know how many guys they have, and they don't have very many guys.
Those guys are incredibly well disciplined, and they're incredibly loyal to their command, unlike the Syrian army, and totally unlike the Iraqi army, who could give a about anything.
And they've captured, they got like 85 tanks, they got a bunch of armored vehicles.
They are not a giant mechanized force yet.
No, no, but they've managed to mix terrorism and tactics in terms of melting into the population and making themselves impenetrable without causing incredible casualties in terms of the civilians.
So the reason why they're able to embed themselves with the civilians is because the Sunni population in Iraq was screwed over by the Shia government of Malachi.
And that's how we kept the Arab uprising.
That's how we kept them, you know, the Sunni uprising.
That's how we kept them calm is we paid them off and we got them and promised them to be involved in the government.
Malachi didn't involve them.
That's also what helped lead to ISIS birth, right?
Absolutely.
Because what got rid of ISIS is the fact that the Sunnis in Iraq were against ISIS too.
But now, since they've been screwed over by Malachi and the Shia government, now they're sympathetic to ISIS, right?
So we need to turn that back around.
And that's what they're doing.
That's why they got rid of Malachi, right?
And they're trying to become an inclusive government in Iraq.
I don't think that's going to happen.
And what we should have done was split the country up into three parts when we could have did it, and we didn't.
So right now you're seeing it naturally split up into three parts: a Sunni part, a Shia part, and a Kurd part.
That's the what, because by the way, why did why did they have those two cities in Iraq?
Because the Shia don't give a shit about that part of Iraq, because that's not their part of Iraq.
They only care about their part of Iraq, the Shia part, right?
So that's why they got to have those cities because they're Sunni cities to begin with.
So they don't care.
And the Kurd, you got to understand too, the Kurd issue, you know, Kurdistan, they've been wanting sovereignty for a while.
And we're in this, again, this very sticky situation with Turkey because Turkey is one of the few quote-unquote democracies.
Good Muslim countries.
Barely.
And so if we, it's why we've never leaned on Turkey to fess up to the Armenian genocide.
We can't do that.
We can't say, hey, you know, you slaughtered a bunch of Armenians back during World War I time.
We can't force them to do that.
And as much as the Kurds, this is just my personal experience.
I did shows in some of the Kurdish regions.
And at every base in Iraq and Afghanistan, they have locals who work on base.
The Kurdish show, the shows in Kurdistan were the only shows where the locals watched the show and came up and got autographs from us because a lot of them spoke English.
So they were so down with us.
And yet we can't, we like we, the right thing would be go, Kurd, you guys get your own country.
Like you say, split it up into three places.
And then we could back them.
And then, Robert, you bring up good points that, yeah, yeah, we are making jokes, but ISIS has gotten control of a dam.
And by the way, they went towards Kurdistan.
They headed towards Kurdistan.
Yeah, because a lot of people, a lot of the other, they don't like them.
The thing where I think we all should, as a nation, should question, and this is a good dialogue to have is because all the things that Obama listed last night is these are the things they've done wrong.
There's Harris in the Philippines.
And You know what I mean?
Like, there's groups doing this everywhere.
Let me just say that.
If you're going to start listing evil things that people do and us reacting to it, it is the biggest waste of time because you know how many evil people there are in the world that we don't attack, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That would be incredibly.
I mean, Africa alone.
Right.
We can keep special forces in business forever.
Okay.
You know, and everything he said about ISIS is stuff that al-Shabaab has been doing and Boko Haram has been doing consistently for the last several years.
So they're not unique.
ISIS is not unique.
But.
Have you had the al-Shabaab with Green Curry?
Oh, have you?
Every morning I have Coco Sharams.
But the point, the point I'm making is that it's a ridiculous argument that he laid out, but it's also ridiculous to say ISIS doesn't pose a threat.
They absolutely.
Well, let me tell you.
Robert, you know what?
I totally disagree.
I don't think they pose a threat to us at all.
They are far down the list.
They got 20,000 guys.
You want to bomb them a little bit and give the time for the Peshmarga to be as strong as they can to protect Kurdistan and build up the Iraqi army a little bit.
That's fine.
They are not a threat.
There's no indication they want to attack us.
They're one of the people who don't want to attack us.
If I just say this, Ben, if we crap our pants and act out of fear every time Islamic militants act like Islamic militants, we're going to inspire any stupid, upstart jihadi group looking to prove themselves by forcing America's hand to do the same things.
Now all of somebody's got to do is grab a couple Americans, behead them in on YouTube, and so we got to start bombing people.
So this is what I'm talking.
We're reacting.
The reason why they cut that guy's head off on YouTube was so that we would then react out of fear.
And that's what terror is, they terrorize you.
So now you act out of tear.
That's what we're doing.
The news media, wow, they could not wait to act out of tear.
The Americanism.
And by the way, you know, they love to go, they love to go, oh, these guys have passports or European and American passports.
But I'm like, they're not supposed to be able to get us.
Isn't that why we wait three hours in line at the airports and take off our shoes and get felt up by security?
Because even if you have a passport, you still can't get to us.
Isn't that why we do that?
Isn't that why I have to take my shoes off and have an airport worker give me an x-ray?
Isn't that why I do that?
So that's what they go, oh, they got their passports.
So how is bombing in the middle of the Middle East going to help them at an airport when they're trying to get on with a passport?
Those two are incongruent.
We've already been bombing them this whole time.
All he did was talk about it more specifically.
So you are correct.
And let's also be clear.
It's not an offensive move that Obama's making.
What he's doing is containment.
Yes.
And making sure that they can't make inroads in other parts of Iraq and Syria.
But he is going into Syria.
This is their way to bomb Syria.
Because they want to get rid of the second largest soil.
Saudi Arabia wants to get rid of Assad.
Israel wants to get rid of Assad.
But they all want to get rid of Assad.
We're not going to bomb Assad.
I mean, and then what?
Then these guys will take over.
Exactly.
We would all, every single member of the American government would rather have Assad than these guys.
Ben, they are, but what they're doing is they're not going to back Assad, right?
So Barack Obama can't back Assad.
He wanted to bomb him last year.
So what he's doing is he's going to give support, literally give money and military aid to the free Syrian army that's fighting against Assad.
So he wants to get rid of Assad.
I know.
And all I'm saying is, look, we're all going to agree here.
I think good luck finding a way to bomb just the right people in Syria and none of the wrong people.
And by the way, he was already giving money and aid and special forces and all kinds of things to the Syrian army.
To start with.
Yes, you are correct.
You know, I like to look at this whole situation on the bright side.
I think, you know, we all have to look at it.
It's like it's a new jobs program.
And can I say this to the people who are freaked out by beheadings?
You should know that that's what they do in the Middle East almost every week.
Okay.
By the way, the Shias that are now fighting against ISIS, there are also reports of them beheading people left and right over there.
So the people on our side are now doing beheadings too.
That's what they do over there.
Our biggest ally in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia, beheaded something like 31 people in August.
There you go.
So again, so that's what I mean, that that's made up.
That because they're beheading us, and then when Chris Matthews goes on television, because he's free, could not be more freaked out by beheadings.
We played it last week on the show.
And every time Chris Matthews gets hysterical, like a grandma with dementia, seeing a black medical attendant, or this loot, this Lieutenant General Oddball Oddity toiling the doomsday bells on TV, it tells the terrorists that their techniques are working.
Right.
And by the way, what's much more terrifying is stoning, which also happens in the Middle East.
To women who are unfaithful to their husbands.
I know.
In Iran.
And the only reason why they don't show that on YouTube is because it's bad television.
It just takes too long.
And if they did that, they showed that widespread of all of our Muslim allies that did that.
We'd all go, oh, they're all goddamn evil.
Yes.
Yes.
Which the other thing, too, I do want to talk about the American media because I was just traveling abroad.
I was in Japan.
They're called that.
They're called women.
And I was so, it was so amazing to me to watch.
I watched like the BBC and I watched the, I think, Asia News now because I was in Hong Kong and Japan and some cities in China.
And the way they cover the stories, there'll just be a little graphic that says ISIS.
And they talk about it and interview people.
And then I'm watching, I was watching CNN last night.
ISIS scared.
Like it's like it's a video game.
Like it's a video game.
It's unbelievable.
And I'm not even, I'm not even including Fox.
They're their own crazy shit.
Just CNN or MSNBC.
Yes, they love it.
The big graphics and the scare.
And it's just like war, can I tell you, war makes good ratings.
Of course.
War sells newspapers, war gets ratings, especially for CNN.
I would like these, like, the great thing would be, and for the last serious point, I promise I will ever make on this program.
But if the bombings could work, if we knew that it would stop these guys, and I don't want to totally disagree with Robert, they're a threat.
They're terrible guys, right?
They're particularly.
And if we could bomb them while our allies buffed up so that they could fight them, and that there were this great coalition of Saudi Arabia coming together and we could fight them in Syria without supporting Assad and that the new Abadi government in Iraq would reach out to the Sunnis.
But these things won't happen.
Like, it's literally like Obama is betting that we're going to bomb and it's going to be an eight-team parlay, which we're going to hit.
And we're going to win every one of them.
But we won't because you never win them.
Well, can I just simply devil's advocate here?
You can argue, though, the bombing has helped.
Well, you have bombing.
You push them back.
What the bombing can do is create space, what they call create space.
Yes, Liebenstrom.
So then, but what you need is the cooperation of the Sunnis.
Right.
You need actual armies in place to benchmark.
The reason why ISIS can exist is because the local Sunnis who aren't ISIS are sympathetic to them now because they got screwed over by the Maliki government and the Shia government in Iraq.
So what we need is to create space.
Bombing will create space, but that's not going to keep the space.
And if, look, we're all in agreement, I guess, then if we could bomb for 66 days and create a lot of space and then stop, and that would be the end of that.
Well, then, okay.
I'd be against it.
I'm against anything over there.
I don't think we should be there at all.
I think as long as my wife has 40 kids in her classroom, we can't afford another billion dollars dropped in the Middle East.
And by the way, that never comes up.
No one.
I haven't heard it anywhere in any discussion of how are we going to pay for this.
We got two Americans.
How are we going to, I mean, if you wanted to start a war, you're like, hey, we got to go into Syria.
Oh, let's say they, let's say they had chemical weapons.
Hey, the country sniffed us out.
They won't let us go to war in Syria.
All right, well, let's say there's some guys worse than Al-Qaeda.
Well, how do we make them think they're worse than Al-Qaeda?
Let's do some beheadings.
How many?
I think two will do it.
And that's what did it.
Yeah, it's, I mean, when you start playing that game, you look at the over trillion dollars we spent on these two wars over the last 13 years.
Well, what could $3 trillion if you count all the medical bills and stuff that we have to take care of the soldiers when they come home?
So it's over $3 trillion.
So just the cost of the media cost is over.
What could we have done with that?
We'd have high-speed rail everywhere, everywhere.
You know what I mean?
We could have 20 kids in the classroom.
I could have a medical center on every corner.
Yeah.
Yes.
The show would have a TriCaster.
I'd have a TriCaster and two microphones that weren't going to be able to do it.
I'd be getting laid.
Ha!
Ha!
Yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay, so as we all know, Rand Paul has completely switched his position on the military action against ISIS and while claiming he hasn't changed his position at all.
So I thought I'd give his father, Ron Paul, a call, and let's see what he has to say about us.
See if I can get him on the phone.
See if I can get him.
Hold on.
Pick up, Ron.
That telephone conversation begins.
Hello, Congressman Paul.
This is your best buddy, Jimmy, from the Jimmy Door show on KPFK in Los Angeles.
Oh, wonderful, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm great.
How are you doing, sir?
It's good to hear your voice.
Well, the better for your asking.
The better for your asking?
I've never heard that before.
Where'd you get it from?
Well, it's weird because Robert Yassimer says it on your show all the time.
One of those charming southern phrases that is extremely passive-aggressive.
Oh, you mean like when they say bless your heart?
And what they really mean is, oh my God, that guy is such an idiot.
You mean like that kind of a thing?
Yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what's passive-aggressive about saying the better for your asking?
I don't understand exactly what's passive-aggressive about.
Well, what it actually means is thanks for asking, you fucking race traitor.
Wow.
Okay, well, I guess I see that.
Okay.
Sure.
Now, Dr. Paul, I wanted to ask you about your son, Rand, again.
Is that possible?
Oh, why?
Is he messy again?
Because, you know, he always wanders back eventually.
No, no.
I'm talking about he switched his position on a military event in Iraq.
Oh, that.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, so do you have any insights on this?
I don't know what you want me to say.
I mean, the boy isn't actually here yet.
What do you think?
You know, Congressman, you're always telling me about how stupid Rand is.
You know?
Well, yeah, sure.
The boy can't even count past six.
Maybe stabbing.
How did he become a U.S. Senator if he's that dumb?
First of all, easy.
You know, I say senator from Kentucky.
That's like being Kord, king of the mutes.
What?
That's like, what did you say?
Practically, working hard east requires more thought than being a senator.
Really?
Well, sure.
For example, you know, Miss McConnell.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Yeah, they got one.
Yeah.
Did you know he's been dead for eight years?
Wow, that is incredible.
I did not know that.
If you look closely, you know, his mouth movements don't even sync with the words he's saying.
Wow, this is kind of unbelievable.
And did you know that Marco Rubio is a 16-year-old date rate then?
Congressman, I really just want to talk to you about your son and ISIS thing, okay?
Almighty ISIS.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, the Islamic State.
Rand changed his position on how to deal with the Islamic State.
Well, Rand doesn't really understand what a position is.
If you just ask his position on something, he'd just likely say, I like the Hulk.
So when he said a month ago that he was against military...
Oh, sure.
And then just said he was for it.
He was being consistent?
Well, consistently a brain case.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you think we should do about the Islamic State?
Well, I think we should leave the whole thing alone.
I might agree with you on that one, buddy.
I'm on your side here.
Then build a giant wall around the entire continental United States.
Okay, no, hold on.
What?
Do what?
And then, you know, oh, wow, domestic race war.
Okay, Dr. Let it all pain.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe that.
Come on, Dr. Paul, now you're calling for a race war.
Come on.
I want.
I think that's what Friggin means.
You know, the right to form armed clans and go hunt down people who don't look like you.
I mean, he's right there in the Constitution.
Yeah, yeah, it's not right there in the Constitution, sir.
I have to break it to you.
It's not in the Constitution.
We're just going to have to agree to disagree on that one.
No, Dr. Paul, we don't, this is, it's not telling me.
Jimmy, I got to go.
Why?
I got to go put down one of the horses.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Paul.
I didn't, I didn't know you had an injured horse.
No.
Well, see you.
Okay.
All right.
Dr. Ron Paul.
How's Dr. Ron Paul?
Thank you, Doctor.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Did you know there are people too ignorant and hateful for Ted Cruz?
No way.
Yeah, I was surprised too.
So Senator Cruz went to speak in front of a group called In Defense of Christians.
Oh, God.
And with a name like In Defense of Christians, there's no way they might have some weird agenda, right?
Right.
Once because Christians have been under attack in this country for so long.
Oh, I know.
When are they going to get their take?
It's hard to be a Christian in America.
One of the Christians?
I'm just surprised they didn't somehow work family into the title of their little club day.
Oh, God.
Well, when Cruz said that Jews and Christians are being equally targeted in the Middle East and Christians have no better friend than Israel, the defenders of Christianity didn't take that too well and started heckling him.
What?
I'm going to play a little bit from that right now.
Here we go.
In 1948, Jews throughout the Middle East faced murder and extermination and fled to the nation of Israel.
And today, Christians have no greater ally than the Jewish state.
Stop it.
You hear them yelling, stop it, Adam.
They're yelling, stop it.
Let me say this.
Okay, we will let you.
Those who hate Israel hate America.
Teddy.
Wait a minute.
Those who hate Jews hate Christians.
Wait a minute.
No.
I hate Jews.
I don't hate Christians.
And if this room will not recognize that, then my heart weeps.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Because most crazy conservative Christians have gotten the memo about Israel.
Yes.
That we locked up.
I mean, it is the strangest alliance in the world since those conservative Christians, if they're devout enough, of course, believe in the rapture and believe that I think three-fourths or four-fifths of every Jew, of all Jews, will be killed instantly.
And the other fourth or 20% or who's ever left, they have to, you know, what do you call it?
They have to convert.
Convert.
So you're either dead or a Christian at the end of the rapture.
And they're like, we're all buddies.
And the great thing about Netanyahu and some, the only great thing about Netanyahu, seriously, the only, is that he's prepared to accept the support from Christian conservatives and the money from them.
And he's like, it's fine with me.
I know they're wrong.
I want to believe in the rapture.
That's fine.
I'll still take their cash.
So it gets worse for Ted Cruz.
No.
That's not, it's not.
No, no, it gets worse.
Here we go.
He keeps trying.
He keeps trying.
I will say this.
What did that guy say?
I don't know.
Just stop.
They're yelling at him.
Just stop.
Stop.
Just stop.
They're yelling at you.
We were having such a nice dinner.
We were to have it.
I'm trying to eat my chicken Kiev.
I want to be filled of hate.
And I don't like the Jews.
Why do you do this?
It says Christian on the thing.
okay here they go So they're all just screaming at him now.
And he's standing there.
And then a guy comes out to help him to help cut the guy.
Like a comedian?
No, like yeah, the warm-up guy.
Yeah, the August warm-up guy.
It's going to come out through five minutes.
Get the crowd back in the flow.
Yes, that's who it is.
Give out a couple of t-shirts.
It got so bad, you'd have thought someone was trying to collect grazing fees from a cattle rancher or something.
Now, I hate giving credit to people I hate, but I got to hand it to Ted Cruz because he stuck to his guns if only because he loves fucking guns.
That's right.
So here he goes.
Here's how he wraps it up.
Ready?
I will say this.
I am saddened to say that some here, not everyone, but some here are so less filled with hate.
You cannot address your brother.
I will say this.
I just hate Jews.
If you will not stand with Israel and the Jews, wow, then I will not stand with you.
Thank you, and God bless you.
Wow.
Wow.
I'll give Teddy Cruz credit for not buckling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's not coming back to iDoc 15.
October 4th, I'm going to be at the improv in the Hollywood, California, over at Melrose and Crescent Heights, October 4th.
And you can get, I'll give you a discount ticket.
Do you want a discount ticket?
I can give you, if you use the code, okay, go over to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click the link there that gives you the improv tickets.
And when you're going to pay for the tickets, you put in the code DOR, D-O-R-E, and that gets you a $20 improv ticket for $5.
All right.
So that's a $5 ticket.
That's a pretty good deal.
So if you use the code DOR, if you're going to come see me October 4th, that's a Saturday, 8 p.m. at the Hollywood Improv.
I'll save you a bunch of money.
Use the promo code DOR, D-O-R-E.
That's right.
Okay, but you got to click the link over at jimmydoorcomedy.com to get that.
Okay.
All right.
So that's, so I'll talk about that more as the date gets closer.
Well, it's actually only a couple of weeks away.
Okay.
All right, because I'm shooting another special, another audience got the word that I'm shooting another hour special in November, and it's going to be in Los Angeles.
I don't know what the venue is yet, so I have to start doing stand-up a lot more than I usually do so I can get ready to tape that special.
I've got, you know, doing this show and doing the Young Turks and doing the radio and doing it, you know, it takes an effort to get out and go do comedy every night.
That's a big effort.
It used to be nice when I just slept all day.
Oh, I couldn't wait to go out.
Anyway, so what am I talking about?
So that's coming up.
So I'll see you at the Hollywood Improv October 4th.
Okay, I'm here with hilarious comedian and the host of Comedy Film Nerds podcast.
And he's got a new movie out, new movie out called Earbuds.
And it's a documentary about the podcasting world called Earbuds.
Yeah, it's a really cool thing.
We're in post-production on it.
We raised $140,000 on Kickstarter.
No kidding, which was amazing, which I think shows sort of, you know, the podcast fan is like the most loyal, engaged fan.
Yes.
And that's kind of what this movie, we already shot a bunch of interviews.
We went to all over the U.S., went to Australia and Japan.
And really, there's podcasters in Australia and Japan.
Yeah, and there's, well, yeah, there's some podcasters there, and there's also fans who listen.
Like we interviewed this guy, Russell, who works in a mine, an iron ore mine for like a mining company in the Australian Outback.
And he drives all around the Outback when we went out there and there's nothing.
And he's listening to like comedy film nerds and other podcasts.
And it's just, it's just amazing.
And then we went to Japan.
When you meet those people, like I have, we have listeners.
We have listeners in China and Japan and Saudi Arabia.
I never meet them because I don't travel like you.
Right.
But it's the coolest thing in the world.
I'm sure you met someone when you'd go on the road here in the show.
Yeah, no, definitely all the time.
And they're like, oh man, I drove three hours.
Yes.
And who else would do that?
Right.
You know, like all the TV and radio, all the other stuff we've all done, no one.
Right.
Nobody showed up like that.
And that's what this film captures.
It also captures how all of us, you know, comedians who any podcaster in general, but especially us comedians who've been working in show business a long time, how empowering it is, how all of a sudden we can do and say whatever we want whenever we want, however we want.
There's nobody tapping us on the shoulder going, you can't say that.
You can't do this.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Believe me, I know what you mean.
Yes.
Believe me, I've been told to shut up all my whole career.
Yeah.
And now you can say whatever.
And I think that that's, you know, we've got a couple more interviews to shoot at the festival, the podcast festival, end of September.
Oh, you also produced the LA Podcast Festival.
I found out this year because I'm, you know, I've been doing a podcast since 1994.
I just found out about this since last week.
I just found out.
If I'm like, what?
I go, who's doing this podcast, the festival?
I look up and go, Graham, how much do you do?
You email me.
You're like, how come I didn't know about this?
I thought you knew.
Graham, I'm not in.
I live in Pasadena.
I'm out of touch.
I'm out of touch.
Look at my schedule.
It's empty.
I don't do anything anymore.
You're Tan, you look good.
I had a nice backyard.
I was in my backyard all the time.
You're tan also, but that's from being out in, I think, Ubekistan or something, right?
Yeah, I was at one of the stands.
So you, no, you did another movie we talked about on our show when you went to Afghanistan.
Yeah, the documentary, Lafghanistan, which that actually is available if you go to Comedy Film Nerds.
That's about the first time I did like a comedy tour over there.
Yeah.
And you've done one of those.
Yeah, and it's amazing that I don't know how soldiers do it because I was over there telling jokes and I must have broken down through it.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know how they did it.
Honestly, God, I was out of my mind over there.
It's the crazy, craziest experience.
And that's the thing.
Every comic says that.
I'm over here for two weeks and I'm terrified.
Yeah.
Just the food alone.
Yeah, I know.
Or the tent.
Or they're just, and the shit they say to you is so casual.
They're just like, and you know, there's your, there's your bomb shelter.
So if you hear the air raid siren, just jump in there.
And you're like, and they say it like it's, this is, you should be relieved.
Yeah.
And you're like, we got one for you.
We got a bomb shelter for you.
Normally we don't have these.
Yeah, so a lot of civilians don't get them.
Yeah.
So congrats.
Congrats.
I hope you're funny.
So now the new movie, Earbuds, all over.
Now, you've been doing the Comedy Film Nerds.
How long have you been doing that show?
We've been doing that show almost five years now.
I've been on that show.
Yes, you have.
And it's a weekly movie review podcast.
And, you know, it's all at comedyfilmnerds.com.
And so we're going to be at this year's podcast festival.
We're going to show like a three, four-minute trailer of earbuds because it's in post-production right now.
And yeah, it's available on Comedy Filmner.
We've been doing it a long time.
We have such a loyal.
I was just doing a tour of stand-up through Asia, and there were Comedy Film Nerd fans coming to every show.
In Asia.
In Asia.
And it's the coolest thing.
This one girl, she's Chinese and she's a comic and she listens and she took me to a movie.
She's like, I want to take you to a movie in Shanghai.
It was the coolest thing.
She made a fan with like, you know, that had like Chinese calligraphy on it that had a Star Wars character and then and then Bane because I love doing Bane impressions.
And it was like, where else would you get that?
Like the podcasting community is so amazing.
It is something.
I mean, I could not be happier that it has happened.
Yeah.
It gives you autonomy as a performer.
It gives you a real connection with people who can connect with you.
Because the old days, you could only broadcast what you were saying to 200 people at a time in a comedy club.
Or maybe you get to go on television.
They give you four and a half minutes of tightly scripted, tight, you know, you can don't ever get and watered down and combed through so it doesn't offend anybody stuff.
So, but this is amazing, right?
It is to me.
I mean, I think about it like I could do this for the rest of my life.
I don't have to worry about anything.
They're never going to take this job away from me.
And so you did this.
I can't wait to see this now, but it's not done yet.
It's not done yet.
We still have, we're in post-production.
We have a couple more interviews to shoot at this podcast festival, and then it'll be done in the spring.
Oh, really?
So it's not.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
So we, we've, but you can still, like, if you go to Comedy Film Nerds, um, we sell earbuds shirts, and you can pre-order downloads or DVDs of it.
Oh, really?
So if you go to comedyfilmnerders.com, uh, and like I said, if you go to the Los Angeles Podcast Festival September 26th to the 28th, if you go to la podfest.com, you can get tickets.
And we're also going to be doing a live video stream.
You can see all 35 shows in the festival, and it's only like 25 bucks.
So if all the fans all over the world are like, I can't afford to fly and get a hotel remote.
So you can live stream it.
Live stream it.
All right.
The LA pod, that sounds like a, is it, is it, it's fun?
It's a lot of fun.
Oh, all right.
So how do I get in that?
Do you know, do you know the guy?
Yeah, I know a couple of guys.
Do you know the guy?
What would I have to be nice to him?
What would I have to do?
Could you tell them about my history as a podcast?
I would absolutely tell them about your history as a podcast.
Is there an entry fee?
Is it one of those scammy?
No, it's not a scammy.
You're not scamming anybody?
We're not scamming anybody.
Each year we got to bring in new shows.
Oh, next year I'll be the new show.
Look at this.
Let me get that, baby.
I hope I'm not too famous by then.
Good chance I won't be.
Good chance I won't be.
All right.
I'm looking forward to next year.
Yes.
And all right, Graham, well, thanks for being our guest.
Everybody, check out the LA Podcast Festival.
It's at, what's the website?
LAPodFest.com.
And then Comedy Film Nerds.
ComedyFilmnerds.com.
All right.
Fantastic.
Graham, thanks for coming in.
You got it, man.
So, Mel Gibson, I think I got Mel Gibson.
Can we get Mel Gibson on the phone?
How is this, Mel?
Hello, who's this?
Is this Mel?
Mel?
Hello, Mel.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Mel Gibson.
Hey, Mel.
How you doing, buddy?
Good to hear your voice.
What's happening?
That's Mel Gibson.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I'm pretty sure that's what I said.
I said Mel Gibson, right?
Didn't I say Mel Gibson?
You call me Melvin.
I'll cut your fucking throat over there.
Okay.
Listen.
All right.
Well, it sounds like you've got a handle on things.
How are things going with your anger and stuff like that?
You getting a handle on it?
My therapist says I'm making great progress.
Oh, really?
One day at a time.
Oh, really?
One day at a fucking time.
Well, it doesn't sound like what kind of progress would that be that you're making.
Anyone I'm calling to support my good friend and favorite football player, Ray Rice.
One piece of advice.
What?
What's that?
Don't let the Jews get you down.
What?
Hey, guess what?
There's a lot more to that Mel Gibson call.
But what do you got to do?
You got to go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium.
You make your $5 donation.
That's all it is.
Or you save yourself $5 if you want to get the premium for the whole year.
You save yourself $5.
You donate $55 up front.
That saves you $5, right?
So we give you the last month for free that way.
Isn't that nice of us?
I think it is anyway.
That's a great way to help support the show.
And tip of the hat to all you people who are stealing it.
Good for you.
It would be nice if you didn't.
But if you're broke, go ahead.
But if you're not broke, shame on you.
All right.
But everybody who does that right now.
So this weekend, we got Mel Gibson in the premium content.
John McCain was all over the news talking about the president's speech in ISIS.
And so we have that segment in the show in the premium content.
That guy is a maniac.
And he went on with Jay Carney.
Anyway, so that's all that is out.
Jay Carney has the ace in the hole, right?
And he drops it on John McCain.
It was nice to see.
Although he did it a little mealy-mouthedy.
But anyway, that was fun.
Okay, so that's in the premium content.
You know how to get it?
You goddamn right to.
All right, everybody.
That's, I think that's all I want to say.
Hey, big tip of the hat to Sean James, who helps me with my computer.
You know how to get a hold of him.
If you need your Macintosh fixed, send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
The show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Mark Van Landuit.
That's right.
Mark Van Landewitt, Steph Samurano.
All the voices this week performed by the one and only Mike McCrae.
Thanks to Graham Elwood for being our guest.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying you be the best you can be.
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