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June 15, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
I want to win.
I just want to win.
I want to crush you till your windpipe caves in.
And I want to be the prettiest person at Earth Cafe.
And I hate Tina Faye.
I know that's taboo.
So if you don't like it, you can fuck you.
Cause I want her money, her glory, her baby, her dog, and her job.
And if one more person tells me I have to watch Modern Family, I am going to buy that gun I've had my eye on.
I I once loved a boy who did not love me.
In retrospect, I would have to agree.
You can still bet the next one I met, I put through the ringer.
Yeah, because that is the world.
That's how it works.
Every heart's broken and everyone's jerks.
And money don't change it.
Drugs can't erase it.
You can't blog it away.
And if one more person asks me what I have been working on lately, I don't think I'll ever stop crying.
applause Thank you.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
We're doing a little bit of a different show.
That voice you heard at the top of the show, that beautiful singing voice is Karen Kilver Karen Kilgariff.
You know her from her work at Wister Show, plus lots of other things.
The Girls Guitar Club.
She's the head writer for the Ella DeGeneres show for a long time.
I'm going to be talking with her later on in the show.
I want to let you know what's happening.
You know, KPFK, where we produce this show usually, was in FunDrive for a month.
And don't forget, whenever your local station is in FunDrive, the Jimmy Dore show continues to produce shows.
So if you're listening on WBAI or if you're at KPFK or wherever you listen, when your station goes in the FunDrive, we continue to produce Jimmy Dore shows.
So you can always get a podcast at the Jimmy Dore show for free at iTunes or at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
So this week, we're going to play some clips.
We sat down with Bill Burr a few weeks ago to talk about lots of things.
We got some clips from Bill Burr coming up.
We're going to play a piece that was previously released in the premium content, our discussion about Michelle Bachman's retirement from the Congress, our phone call from Michelle Bachman, plus we're going to talk about a lot lot more that's today coming up on the Jimmy Door show.
Right now, this past Tuesday, we sat down in Culver City at the Kern TV studios with Karen Kilgariff to talk about the NSA spying scandal.
And well, this is how it went.
Let's listen.
So they bring on this CIA, ex-CIA official.
He was the vice president of the CIA and the general of this stuff and all that stuff.
They bring him on to talk about this NSA spying thing.
And this guy, Snowden, is that how you say his name?
I should know more about this.
I'm doing the story.
Okay, so here what he has to say about the guy who blew the whistle, the whistleblower, on the big spying scandal.
Here's what he has to say about it.
I think Mr. Snowden had no right to arrogate to himself the right to decide where to strike the balance between liberty and security.
President Obama pointed out a couple of days ago that this balance has to be struck and that the court system, particularly the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act court, the executive branch, the president, attorney general, and the Congress, with the reviews by the congressional committees involved every few months.
This has been a very precisely crafted system for making the decision about where to strike the balance between liberty and security.
And Snowden arrogated that entire decision to himself.
He decided that it was him who got to strike that balance, not the elected representatives that we vote for, not the president, not the courts.
Okay, so what he's saying is if you are a private citizen and you see massive malfeasance inside your government, you're supposed to shut the fuck up about it because you're just a person.
You're just a guy.
You're not the head of the thing.
You're not the vice president of that other thing.
You're not in Congress.
That's their job to make sure you're unaware of what the government's doing to you.
So I love that.
That's not this guy.
Who does this guy think he is?
He's an American citizen, just like Deep Throat, just like the Pentagon Papers, just like Bradley Manning, just like Daniel Eldsberg.
They're good Americans who stand up and call bullshit when their government is breaking the Constitution, which is what you're supposed to do.
What I like is, who is that guy to be on television?
Like the least dynamic speaker.
I had no idea what he was saying because I was just like, it reminded me of a history class.
Yeah, you kind of lose.
Who are you?
Who is this guy who do this stuff?
That's the man.
That was actually a clip of the man.
That's him.
When people say the man, that was him.
That's the man.
And also, it's like the, yeah, the people who speak up are the ones who are unbought, who are, you know, who aren't a part of any of those systems.
That's what it is, is they're trying to say.
Yes.
I mean, that's the creepiest part about it to me.
You know, I read a thing this morning where apparently there's sales of 1984 by George Orwell have gone up 126% on Amazon.
Really?
Because everyone keeps hearing the reference and everyone wants to know what that futuristic police state is.
They're like actually reading and looking into it, which I kind of love.
But that's what I think is amazing is that when you, I mean, I think I saw the movie.
I think I read the book, but it's that idea that, yeah, there are no individuals.
You don't get to be an individual.
You don't get to have a mind of your own or speak up or say fuck you or I don't like this or all of that.
That's what that futuristic police state was all about is crushing the individual mind and sticking together, staying in line, watching your TV and just staying in your little box.
And that's exactly like we talked about earlier.
Like no one questions, hey, why are we more concerned about three dead people in Boston than six dead people in Santa Monica or 12 dead people in anywhere else?
Or why does that, why does that make us shut down a city?
Why didn't we shut down a city for this?
It doesn't mean nobody questions it.
Nobody goes, hey, maybe we're supposed to have liberty and freedom and that makes us stronger instead of being afraid of terrorists.
Maybe we should stop being afraid.
No, no, that never gets out.
That never gets out.
Well, because I think we keep, if you keep on looking to your TV to tell you how to feel and what to think and how to act, then that's what you're going to keep, which I certainly do.
That's what's going to keep happening.
Is that it tells you, yes, these people were shot in Santa Monica.
It's terrible.
He's a lone shooter, the end.
Then you go, okay, good, the end.
Because who wants to sit there and go, oh, another shooting?
What am I going to do about it?
Like, it's so big.
It's so terrible.
You watch these people.
I mean, Kristen Schaul, I was on a comedy show with her last night.
She was just talking about how she was trying to tweet about gun control and all that stuff.
And she got so many death threats on Twitter and so many people saying, I know where you live.
I'm going to come to your house and shoot you.
That she stopped talking about it.
And that's how things like that go.
And I feel like that's how these things go.
You're so immediately attacked or oppressed.
Crushing voices, individual voices, is kind of the way you get rid of those naysayers or those people that might actually take action and do something.
It's amazing that that guy did that in the first place.
I think it's amazing.
I don't know where that guy got the courage.
I don't know where Private Bradley Manning got the.
I don't know where those guys get the courage because I certainly wouldn't risk nothing.
I would risk nothing.
You're precious.
I wouldn't risk this.
I wouldn't risk anything.
*music*
Okay, that was our good friend Karen Kilgarip sitting in.
We're going to hear some more from her later on right now.
I sat down a few weeks ago with Ben Mankowitz from Turner Classic Movies and Bill Burr from Comedy.
And we talked about it, we sat down at the current TV studios in Culver City.
We talked about Jason Collins coming out the first pro basketball player.
And let's listen to that now.
So now this guy, Jason Collins, right?
So he came out and he's the first professional basketball player or professional player to come out while he's still playing, right?
I guess Montina Navitolova did come out, but she was like in the big manly team sports.
Yes, this isn't like tennis.
Right, come on, half of her day.
Did she come out while she was playing?
Yeah, well, she got outed by her lover, sued her for palimony, and that's how she got and then it tried up all her endorsements and everything.
And why wouldn't you buy her racket because of who she's with?
I don't understand people who care what people do off the court.
Your job's to entertain me.
She was awesome, man.
She was, what?
She won like five, six Wimbletons in a row.
Yeah, yeah.
Something insane.
She had all these epic battles with Chris Everett Lloyd.
I loved it.
Women's tennis was great back then.
Back then.
Yeah.
Chris Everett was the one who told her to start working out because she was starting to slip.
And then she got into that and then she just dominated the students.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I didn't know any of that stuff.
Yeah.
All right, well, but there's some obviously somebody has a problem with this guy, Jason Collins, coming out, and it's a guy who works for ESPN.
So let's go ahead and play the first clip.
Personally, I don't believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly premarital sex between heterosexuals.
If you're openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits.
It says that, you know, that's a sin.
And if you're openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality, adultery, fornication, premarital sex between heterosexuals, whatever it may be.
I believe that's walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ.
So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don't think the Bible would characterize them.
Why can't this guy?
Why can't these Christians keep their Christianity in the closet?
That's my question.
You know what's funny about that guy is I've been watching him for years, so that feels like that, like you had kind of a relationship with him, and then all of a sudden the other shoe drops.
Like, you know, I'm really into Jesus.
Yeah, I mean, I don't think like what he just said, he kind of did it in a way like of his beliefs.
I just can't, I don't understand people who are into God and then thinks, you know, God made everybody and then like he, but he hates these people.
You know, he's like, he made them.
Yeah.
And then when people sit there and they try and say that being gay is a choice, that would mean that being heterosexual is a choice, which meant at some point you would sit there going, okay, man or a woman.
All right, let's weigh the options.
He never did.
He just gravitated towards what you were into.
Let people live their lives.
He has that moment of like, I don't think he's a Christian.
I don't know the Bible.
I don't recall Jesus throwing people out of the church.
I don't recall Jesus with a lot of Christian, Christian, Christian.
Come on, get out.
Christian, Christian.
He's inclusive.
He was more inclusive.
And this guy, I don't think he ever existed.
Jesus?
I just think they made him up.
The son of God, and he goes, baby 32.
You wouldn't have, I mean, all the stuff he got on Elvis.
I mean, granted, there's film and stuff.
And I got to say, it does go quickly.
It flies by.
I think that's what they meant.
Yeah.
No, I just think it's a hell of a story.
And it was designed, I don't know, to get to make some money, get people, you know, following some sort of moral path.
I think they had good intentions, but I don't think nobody could be that good of a guy, is what you're saying.
No, I just think that's what I'm saying.
I just think that it would be like, you know, there's this guy walking on water.
You got to see this.
And I think that there would be more people like chiseling something into a wall.
I just don't think there would be these major gaps.
Like he just went off the grid or something.
He's grown his own food for like 20 years.
You'd be like, there's a guy walking on water and be like, oh, great.
I'd like to see it.
It was like, no, that was like a couple hundred years ago.
I just didn't think you'd be interested back then.
I'm not like, that's my, you know, let's go to the second click.
Our friend Bruce Ard from ESPN.
But I am saying that I've heard a mixed bag of reactions.
Not everyone has been like Kobe or Steve Nash.
Some players have, like I said, they have, they disagree with it, could play with him as a teammate, but would feel a little bit uncomfortable in the locker rooms and showers and things like that.
Yeah, so see, he's where he does that thing about, I don't know, you get a gay guy in the showers, the next thing you know, they're going to hold me down and stuff.
No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If he goes in the shower with the other players, he should at least have to pay a cover charge.
Okay, give me a break.
Dude, these guys are shredded.
They all got abs.
Could I shower with like Victoria's secret models?
And he's like, ew, get out of here.
Give me a break.
I mean, how far are you supposed to go with it?
You know?
Okay.
I'm just saying.
But here's the thing.
But the sad thing about this guy is this dude will probably get fired or something like that.
And he won't learn anything.
Because all it's going to be about is, you said this, you're bad.
And then he has to apologize.
And then he gets thrown down the street and he's out of a job.
And my thing is, how is that going to help his feelings towards homosexuals?
It's like, I think those groups, whatever, gay.com, whatever the hell it is.
They're more into scaring the hell out of people and showing their power.
my girl was reading something about how they're already not satisfied with this guy.
They're like, okay, this is good that he came out, but it'll be better if we need bigger athletes.
It's like somebody just got a house and then now they want to pool and they're already looking for something else.
Everybody's annoying to me.
Except for this guy that came out.
I think it's great what he did.
And I think people are going to say they're ignorant things.
Let them say they're ignorant things.
And then you try to educate them rather than just trying to take away their ability to earn a living.
But don't you think that this guy, this ESPN Sprussard, don't you think that that's a sign of a guy kind of fighting the gay himself?
Because I never met a guy who that almost no, I think that that's what people always do.
That's like if you have a truck with a lift kit, people don't you think he's compensating for something?
It's like, yeah, or he knows how to customize a truck.
You know what I mean?
Maybe he's got a giant.
You don't think that's the silent center to scream the loudest?
I think that that's a guy who's not getting laid.
That's a guy who's created some very tight rules for himself and how he wants to live.
Because of course he included in this that it's the same and trying to sort of get past the storm that Bill correctly pointed out is coming against this guy.
He says, look, I'm not saying just gays.
If you're fornicating outside of marriage, right?
So if this guy's not married, he's not having sex at all.
And of course, it's killing him.
And I love the idea that he's comparing sort of being gay in America with cheating on your wives or husbands.
Because out there right now, I sense there are a lot of 11-year-old boys and girls terrified because in 18 years, they're thinking about cheating on their watch.
And he's like, no, it's the same thing.
Well, I don't think it has anything to do with like, I think that's what people always try to do.
Oh, maybe because you're gay, or maybe because you're not getting any or anything like that.
I just think that this is how this guy was raised.
This is what he was told from the get-go.
And he never veered out of it.
He walked down it like a robot.
And this is a great opportunity to show a guy something else.
And you know what?
It won't happen.
He's going to get yelled at.
He's going to get thrown in a trash bin.
And he'll probably have even more issues that he'll then pass on to his kids.
Actually, I'm totally persuaded by that.
I think he's going to get fired.
No propitia, thinking clearly, getting viewpoints across.
Well, here he is.
He kind of redeems himself here in this last clip.
So he comes back.
After he says all that stuff, now he says this.
Well, he's look, this is one thing I've heard too from everyone as agreed on this.
He's a great guy.
He is upstanding, high basketball IQ, was a tough player.
You know, just no one has said anything bad about him.
He has the utmost respect from players and GMs and coaches that I've spoken with, even ones that may disagree with his lifestyle.
He's obviously intelligent having played at Stanford.
See, see, he's obviously intelligent having played at Stanford.
College sports is like the filthiest ever.
You write your name with a crayon.
If you can score a touchdown, you're getting it.
And that includes Stanford.
Right.
It's like he goes, yeah, he's a great player.
I just don't think he can play for God.
I don't think he won't make God's team.
A great player, great guy.
Everybody loves him.
Terrific.
I'm not getting in the fucking shower with him.
Yes.
I have to get in the shower with him.
I might get a boner.
Well, that guy's big enough.
You know, if he wanted to, you know, he could just take it from you.
You know, that's kind of frightening.
Six foot ten inch chiseled gay dude.
I don't even know how tall he is.
Be assured, my decision was not in any way influenced by any concerns about my being re-elected to Congress.
Oh, no.
Be assured.
I was worried that she was maybe afraid she couldn't win.
I've always in the past defeated candidates who are capable, qualified, and well-funded.
And I outspent them 12 to 1.
That's how I beat them in a Republican district, by the way, that was gerrymandered to make it even more Republican.
And I still only won by one percentage point in a Republican district, and I outspent the guy 12 to 1.
So that was, okay, we got a little bit more to go.
And I have every confidence that if I ran, I would again defeat the individual who I defeated last year, who recently announced that he is once again running.
Okay, but could there be another reason why?
Is there another, I don't know, maybe another reason.
And rest assured, this decision was not impacted in any way by the recent inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign for my former presidential staff.
Ah, oh, so we're being investigated.
Some of your staff already turn-coated on you.
Is that what's happening?
Now, she said she considered not running last year.
Last year after I ran for president, I gave consideration to not running again for the House seat that I hold.
However.
Turned out God wanted to punish America.
Right?
So that's what happened.
And so here she keeps going.
And I felt last year the Republicans had a significant opportunity to win both the Senate and the White House and finally put our country back on the track of greatness and American exceptionalism.
Okay, let's play that one more time.
And I felt last year the Republicans had a significant opportunity to win both the Senate and the White House.
Yes, well, again.
Maybe stop watching Fox News.
I guess she's not retiring to go into political predictions.
She's not going to be completely winning.
It sounds so perfect for CNN, though.
They really need someone who gets their facts straight.
And I think she would be perfect.
I think she would be.
Well, here's what, you know what's weird?
She says that she thought that a significant chance for the Republicans to take over the Senate and the White House and return America to what?
And finally put our country back on the track of greatness and American exceptionalism.
But you guys didn't win.
So what you're saying is that America is not exceptional anymore.
America isn't great anymore.
Is that what you're saying?
Because it sounds like she's saying that, right?
And wouldn't that be the kind of thing that she would jump all over if, say, Barack Obama didn't say America was exceptional and believe in American exceptionalism?
It's weird that they get to say that America isn't exceptional when we have a Democrat in power, but it's not okay for the Democrat to ever say that.
Do you know what exceptional is sometimes a code for?
Developmentally delayed.
Oh, no, I didn't know that.
I did not know that.
So here we go.
She got more to say.
That said, different from some.
I've never considered holding public office to be an occupation.
I've considered it to be both an honor and a privilege.
But most importantly.
I've looked at it at serving in Congress as a duty to push the bounds of sanity and credulity, credulity.
While publicly preaching against gays while privately being married to a closeted credulity.
I wrote it, and I can't say credulity.
But she's going to keep working, by the way.
She's not going to stop.
Feel confident.
Over the next 18 months, I will continue to work 100-hour weeks.
Because she picked up that second shift at Tim Hortons.
She says, she literally says she works 100-hour weeks in Congress.
She's never there.
Congress meets for five minutes a week.
Are you kidding me?
100.
Okay, here we go.
But she's going to continue to fight.
And I will continue to work vehemently and robustly to fight back against what most in the other party want to do to transform our country into becoming, which would be a nation that our founders would hardly even recognize today.
Yes, so she's fighting against what the liberals want to do to this country, which would make it a country that the founders would not even recognize with its slightly fair tax code and its health care for people.
And cars.
I mean, like, let's not forget the basics, like an ice cream and pizza.
No horses.
How long does it take to quit?
I know.
We're no kidding, right?
It took her a long time.
This is an awfully long voice ever demo, Real, I have to say.
You know, a written letter would have been fine, too.
I thought the founding fathers wouldn't even recognize a liberal America.
Because people can go to the doctor.
It's like, but every part of us that they wouldn't be able to recognize, they wouldn't be able to recognize the 18th century.
Of course, they wouldn't recognize it.
So why?
So why?
So she ran.
Why did you run in the first place?
My decision to seek federal office, both in my initial running for the house and my decision to run for the presidency of the United States, was based solely on my heartfelt concern for our country's future.
Unfortunately, today I'm even more concerned about our country's future than I have ever been in the past.
And that's why I'm going to quit working on it.
I'm too scared.
I'm so scared now that I just got to quit ski.
And there's a scandal and I'm going to prison.
So weird.
So what are you going to do in the future, Michelle?
But looking forward after the completion of my term, my future is full.
It is limitless.
And my passions for America will remain.
And I want you to be assured that there is no future option or opportunity, be it directly in the political arena or otherwise, that I won't be giving serious consideration if she's She said there's no job I won't give serious consideration to.
So she might be doing some post-Congress porn.
She literally said that.
Abortion.
It can help save and protect our great nation for future generations.
Oh, so here she's a qualifier.
Andrew Lloyd Weber better watch out because she is already introducing musical.
But there is no future option or opportunity, be it directly in the political arena or otherwise, that I won't be giving serious consideration if it can help save and protect our great nation for future generations.
Yes, and you know how being a Fox pundit also helps protect our future generations.
Okay.
So that was that was Michelle Bachman.
God bless.
And I'm going to, you know what?
I think we might have her on the line, Michelle Bachman.
I got a phone call.
Is this Michelle Bachman?
Is this Michelle Bachman?
Who is this?
Hello, Jimmy.
It's me, Michelle Bachman from Politics.
Wow, Representative Bachman.
Jimmy, please.
Please, Representative Bachman was my mother.
Just call me Shelly.
All right, Shelly.
Well, I'm kind of surprised you're calling me.
I got to be honest.
I wanted to announce to your audience that I will not be seeking re-election next year.
Yeah, well, that's been pretty well covered in the news.
You mean the lanesream media, huh?
I don't trust that.
Yeah, I hear you on that.
I don't trust them.
Sometimes those guys just play tape of something you said completely in context just to make you look foolish or crazy or irresponsible or racist or ignorant or vague.
Ms. Bachman, Ms. Bachman, what do you intend to do now?
That's my question.
first.
I'm looking forward to spending more time with my fellow Marcus, who gives me all the heterosexual sex all the time.
I thought your kids were mostly...
My manly husband, Marcus Bachman.
You'll be having so much sex you won't think you'll be able to walk?
Oh, sure.
That is something that will be happening because of the soreness in my vagina from his teeth being thrust there.
Okay, now there are rumors that they might be retiring because of the impending FEC investigation.
I hadn't heard that.
Yeah, a former aide of yours has reported several irregularities in your presidential campaign to the FEC.
Well, I don't know about numbers and voodoo and whatnot.
You sit on the Financial Services Committee.
Are you kidding me?
Well, there you go, right?
You didn't answer the question.
Jimmy, I said, well, there you go.
What more do you want from me?
There are also rumors that you are retiring because it's doubtful you could win your district again, even though through redistricting, it's even more Republican than when you first ran.
Sure.
There you go again, Jimmy.
That stinking was your poodle.
See, everyone thinks I'm an insane moron, but I say insane moron like an A-leb.
I'm sure that's racist, but I don't know why.
Y'all know how Arabs are always acting like that with their swarthy, dark looks and their smelling of frankincense.
Underneath it all, they can build a pyramid.
You know, you know, I normally don't do this, but do you want me to edit that out?
Absolutely not.
Shelly Bachman is done editing herself.
You were editing yourself before today?
Oh, cheese and gravy, yes.
You claim the HPV vaccination caused retardation.
You said that.
Yeah.
And you called, you basically called for the return of the House Un-American Activities Committee, basically.
Oh, sure did.
Yeah, and you said there isn't any science showing carbon dioxide is harmful.
Jimmy, the whole time I was holding back, I have things in my head like dinosaurs helping the pilgrims on light bulbs that give you AIDS.
Holy Christ.
You'll hear all about them soon.
Now, will you be a Fox News pundit or something like that?
Is that a little better?
Better, the Blaze?
I give up.
I am starting my own pirate radio station out of my garage.
Really?
Welcome to Uzbekistan, people.
I will be bringing some hard truths to the airwaves and also directing the mobs during the coming genocide.
As long as you are within an eighth-mile radius of my house and not near the Dairy Queen, because for some reason there's a terrible reception right there.
Wow, well, that sounds this way.
I get to spend time with my kids at home.
I thought your kids were mostly grown ones.
We're still fostering a few.
We've got Sandy, who's a Downs baby, bless her heart.
And of course, Hector, who's got the gay.
What?
He's got the gay?
A terrible case at a gay.
But I'll tell you, he is such a daddy's boy, always with Marcus, taking baths, wrestling.
Well, how old is Hector?
Oh, he just turned 33.
Speaking of which, I've got to get lunch going for everyone.
Oh, okay.
Take care.
I appreciate it.
Take care, Jimmy, and don't forget, the Holocaust is alive.
Hey, podcast listeners, this is your trusted hero.
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And it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
And thanks to everybody who's already doing that.
It really helps support the show.
The other way you can help support the show is become a premium member and that gets you about 30 to 45 minutes of premium extra content every week.
We throw you in a couple extra phone calls, some sketches.
We do lots of extra stuff every week.
In fact, that Michelle Bachman thing was something we played about a month ago on the premium content.
So you get lots of funny stuff every week on the premium content for five bucks a month.
You go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on the premium, and it shows you how to walk through.
You make a $5 donation a month, and we set you up with extra content every week.
What is it like?
It's like a price of a cup of coffee.
$5 cup of coffee a month.
Okay, that's a great way.
Plus, we have another way you can help support the show this week.
If you are going to send flowers, I'll let you know at the end of the show how you can do that.
It's a really easy way to help support the show.
So those are the three ways.
Amazon.com, become a premium member.
And this week I'm going to interview Mike McRae.
Fingers crossed.
I'm going to call him later.
Today we're going to interview him and find out all about the guy who does all the brilliant voices on the show.
Okay, so that's what's coming up in the premium content this week.
All right, let's lot of stuff coming up with the second half of the show.
I hope you're enjoying this show this week.
I'm enjoying putting it together for you.
Let's get back.
Karen Kilgariff, huh?
She's got a great song coming up to kick off the second half of the show.
So let's get to it.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined as always from Turner Classic Music, Turner Classic Music.
It's Ben Makowitz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
James.
Good to see you.
And we have a special guest.
I'm very excited.
My old friend, you know her from Mr. Show.
She's the head writer for the Ellen DeGeneres show.
She was.
Until the strike.
Come on.
And now.
Come on.
And now she's going to entertain us with her hilarious songs.
It's Karen Kilgariff.
Hi, Karen.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm good.
How are you?
Oh, I'm so glad.
I'm thrilled to have you.
I'm thrilled to be here.
Very exciting.
I'm a big fan of your music.
Thank you.
I like the way I record you.
I think it really sounds, I know what I'm doing.
That's one of my greatest recordings.
It was when I was on your first video.
It was right there.
That's the one I listened to.
But right now, tell us a little bit about this song you're going to say.
This song is about the strike.
No.
Be so weird.
It's like a 20-minute folk song about the labor movement in America.
I don't know.
This is just a dumb song I wrote.
Okay.
I think that's the best intro.
Yes.
Alright.
Oh, I wish I was as pretty as that porn star you're in love with.
But I will never wear a tube-top pumps and super skinny matt stick teens.
Cause I was born with calves bigger than your average discus drawers.
Forearms.
So for now, I'll just hang back and wait and see.
And hope that one day you'll be scarred by acid or by love.
If there's a God above, let him fix the score.
Because right now you're solid nine and I'm a four.
but I couldn't love you more.
If only life was like a sitcom, if only I could play the husband, then I could just be fat and funny.
And you'd be hot and shut your mouth.
And we all know our roles.
It's impossible.
It never will be.
Otherwise, men fall in love first through their eyes and second through their eyes.
So I hope one day you go blind from a macular disease because there's no one else but me who loves you more.
Now open up or I'll kick down your door Because I couldn't love you more *whistling*
That was great.
Okay.
That was perfect.
I didn't hear any of the scratchy, scratchy that.
Thank God.
I have like a new ability.
Play that way.
That was a nice, great way to start a show.
Yeah, right.
That's fantastic.
Yeah, would you...
I guess Syria.
I got the meta message.
Yes, big.
Yes.
I feel like you explain things too much and people like know your exact inspiration, whereas that really could be interpreted in any way, that song.
It sounds about high school.
it's and uh for you So the Trayvon Martin jury selection has started, right?
And, well, let's just go right away.
They had the lawyer for the family.
First of all, Karen, what do you think?
The whole Trayvon Martin thing.
What's your feeling?
I'm against it.
Me too.
Yeah.
I just really feel like it's I feel like it shouldn't have happened.
I feel like he shouldn't have died.
You know, that's the kind.
That's all we bring a woman on.
It's a different perspective.
That's the latest perspective.
Yeah.
So they bring out, so here is Chad Trey.
So they're doing the jury selection right now this week and they bring on here is the Trayvon Martin's family as spokesman's attorney and here's what he has to say about it.
Had Trayvon Martin shot an unarmed Jordan Zimmerman, he would have been arrested.
They want our one moment one.
Yeah, Leva, why do you got to bring race into this?
That's my problem.
Really?
You got to bring race into this?
Yeah, sure, if Trayvon Martin had shot an unarmed Jordan Zimmerman, he'd already be doing time, but that's apples and racists.
Yeah, honestly, race has nothing to do with this case.
No.
Nothing at all.
let's not try to inject race into it, okay?
Please, no.
So now they bring on this, they have the guy from the Casey Anthony trial, right?
Isn't it a little weird that that guy decided to be a spokesman?
You mean that lawyer?
Yeah.
It just seems like it could have, it's an odd career choice for that guy.
Well, you mean Casey Anthony lawyer?
No, the spokesman for the Trayvon Martin family.
Because he says, eh?
Here's what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm going to go on television and be a spokesman and communicate my ideas to other people.
And the Martin family, like, I mean, what?
They didn't have like anybody on the planet.
You're saying that because he's not the most eloquent speaker?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm treading various, you know, the whole deal.
And I got to be careful.
But what she said certainly applies.
And what you're saying.
GRTs.
That's all you're saying, right?
Just get those confidence in there.
I'm just saying you're a spokesman, and I think the Martin family had a variety of people they could have chosen.
Right.
They went in that direction.
They could, right?
They could have got anybody.
Why do you think they did go that way?
No telling.
Okay, so here's, so now they bring on the lawyer from Casey, the guy who won the Casey Anthony case, Jorge Baez.
Yes.
Jose Blaise.
Jorge Joan Baez.
Joan.
And he's going to tell us what they're looking for in the jury.
Ready?
Let's look here.
And that focus on race, putting as much scrutiny on how the jurors look as how they view the issues.
The defense is going to be looking for Caucasian Republican gun-toting individuals who are pro-law enforcement.
Yeah, they're going to be looking for white Republican gun owners, but they'll sell for anybody who hates black teenagers.
How about that?
Oh, they won't find any of them in America.
Yeah, and the Venn diagram of those two groups is very, it's one circle.
Yes.
It's one big red circle.
Also, in the ABC graphic where they put up the jurors, some of those people were gray.
It was an odd choice.
Oh, yeah, there's a black and gray.
Black, and there were some gray people who they're going to have.
I like the first thing you said was something about like, it's not as much about their point of view as the way they look.
And it's like, a lot of times those two things are connected.
Oh.
You know?
Oh.
A lot of the, a lot of times.
That was a salient point, man.
What is it?
I was listening.
I was preparing for my next point.
Okay.
That's how this works.
That's how comedy broke.
On television, you don't listen to the person.
I don't at all.
You know, in the history of 24-hour cable news during the debate, no one has ever said, you know, it's interesting.
I never thought about it that way.
Such words have never, ever been spoken.
The day those are spoken on television is the day that host gets fired.
But, you know, the Seminole County in Florida, like, you know how many people were on the jury?
Seven.
Why is that?
I don't know.
I know they're saying they've got to pick.
Why not 12?
Isn't it supposed to be 12?
You know, that's not in the Constitution.
We've learned this week we don't really care about the Constitution, but nonetheless, that's not in there.
Maybe just because everything in Florida is always a little bit less.
Yeah, not every single one.
It's always like three, four off.
Right.
It's 58% of the rest of the country.
If you go to college here and you get straight A's, it's like C's everywhere.
It's like C's everywhere.
It's the University of Florida.
Okay.
Florida, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard, yeah, anyway.
It is, but how do you say it above Orlando is Alabama, right?
Pretty much.
Is that what you think?
That's right.
Well, yeah, that's right.
That's the old thing.
You're panhandle.
So now who, now what are the, what are the defense?
Now, who is the defense looking to get on the jury?
He's going to tell us that too.
Whereas in this case, for the very first time, you're going to see a prosecution who may not be, who may be looking for African-American jurors.
For the first time ever, he said, this may be a situation where they're looking for African-American jurors.
Really?
The first time ever?
What did it do that way in the OJ case?
They just didn't.
This guy just think the OJ was just an ex-football player who did those crazy funny movies?
What did he tell you?
He forgot all about it.
The first time ever?
Yeah, they don't like to, prosecutors don't like to put black people on the juries because they tend to slant the verdicts towards justice.
And we don't.
We don't want that.
We can't.
Prosecution doesn't.
Yeah, they don't want any part of that.
This guy, and that guy's an expert.
The thing about Jose Baez is that he is cashing in wisely right now.
Oh, okay.
Because the thing that Jose Baez doesn't want to do, I think, is take another high-profile case.
Because then his daughter, because he will lose.
Oh, okay.
Like, I don't know.
Somehow that guy won the Casey Anthony case.
Somehow.
Florida, it's crazy.
Florida.
Well, there was a case in Florida just the other day where a guy gets out of his room.
There's a guy, his next-door neighbor is having sex with his wife in his living room.
He shoots the guy, and he uses a stand-up ground.
He gets off free.
Wow.
He said, I thought he was raping her.
Your next-door neighbor is raping your wife.
And she's doing the reverse car girl.
And it's the same week as that freaking case in Texas where the guy, you know about this case in Texas?
No, no, no.
Guy goes on Craigslist.
When the story was explained to me, I said, okay, you're leaving out a fact because this can't possibly be true, except turns out it's true.
Guy is in Bexar County, which is where San Antonio is, I believe.
And he goes on Craigslist and he orders up a girl and she comes and he gives her $150, a girl on Craigslist.
She walks around his place for 20 minutes, right?
And then she says, I got to go give the money to my driver.
And he realizes I'm about to be out $150 and I haven't had sex.
She goes to the car.
He, being in Texas, grabs his AK-47.
Sure.
Goes out, shoots into the car, hits the girl in the neck.
She's paralyzed.
Seven months later, she dies from her wounds.
He's charged with murder, but he gets off because there's a Texas law that says that you can defend yourself with deadly force during a theft at nighttime.
The word nighttime is in the law.
And he was acquitted.
He shot deliberately into the car and killed her.
That's Texas justice.
That's Texas Justice.
That's right.
We've got to protect our Johns.
That's the important thing.
Every John needs to have an AK-47 in Texas.
I work Johnson, but we're trying to increase bidding here.
It makes me think that being a hooker on Craigslist list is not safe anymore.
That's my concern.
Yeah, it's not like it used to be in the old days.
Now, you don't know who's out there.
People were gentlemen and ladies.
Yeah, it used to be there would be the priests would come.
I like that he needs an AK-47.
Got it in his car.
Got it at the ready.
Got it in his car.
It's just right there.
Either for hookers that are going to run with your $100 or if some gorillas come.
$150.
Oh, sorry, $150.
It was a buck fifty.
Then it's just the Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Okay, now we're going to close out the show with a couple of my favorite phone calls from the last couple of months.
We talked with Rick Perry back at the early part of May, and he had a lot to say.
Let's listen to Rick Perry.
I have Governor Rick Perry's on the line from Texas, who's been experiencing a lot of trouble down in Texas.
Hi, Governor.
You got it, Jimbo.
So now, Governor, you've been experiencing a lot of problems.
People are saying that your lax regulation on businesses and industry have contributed to the West Texas explosion.
What do you say to that?
Yes, it was a huge tragedy.
Now, what was it that actually was now fertilizer?
We don't know why a fertilizer plant blew up.
You don't know why it blew up?
All we know is they're used to make explosives.
That would be a clue, don't you think?
That would kind of be a clue.
This is a mystery to all people.
We shouldn't jump to any conclusion.
Okay.
Do you have no ideas?
You have any ideas?
The investigators haven't concluded their work yet, but it is baffling.
This was a fertilizer plant, and we don't know what would have caused an explosion in a fertilizer plant.
You sure?
Usually ammonium nitrate is a very docile compound.
Isn't it highly explosive?
We don't know.
We don't understand.
Fertilizer is used to make explosives, right?
And didn't Timothy McVeigh use fertilizer to I believe that's yes.
That's one of the uses for it.
So, yeah, it is a mystery why it all blew up.
So now you're taking a lot of heat, right?
You and Texas for not you didn't inspect that plant for two decades, right?
Two decades.
You didn't inspect that plant.
Well, that is the cost of freedom.
I really don't think that's the cost of freedom.
Just like, I mean, there's going to be school shit.
That is the cost of earning a gun is having people shoot places up every now and again.
That's just the cost of that freedom.
Yeah.
And this is the cost of the freedom of not having federal inspectors coming down to Texas and walking around telling us what to do.
We don't like Yankee inspectors coming down and saying, oh, you've got to fix this thing or it's going to blow up and kill a bunch of people.
We don't want to hear government people come in and say that.
So this is gigantic explosions that destroy entire towns are that that's the cost of the freedom from federal interference in business.
Well, it just sounds to me like you just keep saying business a lot.
Like if you just keep saying business, that somehow it'll sound like you're interested in business.
Because Texas is about business.
And if you ask business people down here, they know that business is booming.
See?
That was a bad choice of words there.
But this is a good time for business in Texas.
But you're doing it again.
You just keep saying business over and over.
Texas is business.
Business is Texas.
Okay.
All right.
So you're saying that people in Texas are more annoyed and feel more burdened by a government regulator asking questions and inspecting factories than they are about factories actually blowing up and killing people.
Well, darn toot and that's how people feel down here, or at least that's how I'd like to portray how they feel for political reasons.
Yeah, I know.
But doesn't it bother you that innocent people were killed by the explosion?
No, man.
I sleep fine.
I just don't think about stuff.
You don't think about it?
You don't think about what happened about the lack of regulation, having people die because of it?
It doesn't work that way, man.
What do you mean?
It doesn't work.
I mean, that's how politics works.
It's the people that don't think about stuff.
They usually kick ass.
What?
You know, some dude thinking about stuff all the time, he's not going to come across good, you know, in a debate or on TV.
He's going to be one of those dudes like, oh, I'm thinking about things.
You know, like they got a weird thinking expression on their face.
You know, no one see that.
And no one's in that, man.
Just have a guy not thinking about stuff.
That's you, right?
Say a bunch of Friday Night Lights shit and get all up in there.
So what if there's another tragedy that can be tied directly, if there's another tragedy that could be tied directly to a lack of regulation?
What about that?
We can only hope.
Are you really saying that?
That sounds horrible.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
It's God's will, man.
How could it be God's will?
What's God's will?
That people died and that a plant...
So everything that happens seems to sort of, you know, God did it.
So get off my ass.
How can you make the Bible somehow mean that God wanted those people dead?
Well, I don't think you read the Bible because the Bible clearly is on America's side and states rights where we don't have federal inspectors going around anytime someone's trying to run a business.
You're saying that the Bible's against regulation?
It's implied.
Really?
It's really the Bible.
If you take the right Bible study classes, it'll be made very clear to you.
Yeah, I don't take Bible studies.
Come on down here, Texas.
We'll take you Bible study while we'll get some barbecue.
And then we can roll up our sleeves and talk to business leaders.
What do you want to do?
Roll up what?
That's what I like doing.
Doing what?
You want to roll up your what?
Rolling up my sleeves and talking to business leaders.
Well, what is that?
Is that a figure of speech rolling up?
Why do you want to roll up your sleeve?
I don't get that.
Yes.
What is it?
Because they like to do it too.
Who?
Business leaders like to roll up their sleeves?
Just a bunch of dudes rolling up their sleeves, sitting around talking about business.
In just like a Texas casual way.
With their sleeves up.
Why don't you just wear short sleeves?
Oh, short-sleeved dress shirts?
Dude, no.
Why wouldn't you wear shirts?
Yeah, maybe if I worked at NASA in 1974, that would be the perfect list.
No man should be doing that.
Short sleeves, it makes sense.
Short-sleeve dress shirts.
Are you kidding me, man?
No, I'm just saying that if you're already rolling up your sleeves.
Maybe if I was a federal inspector, I'd wear shit like that.
Well, I'm just...
No, but if you already...
No.
What a role.
I look like a federal inspector.
No, I'm just saying that you could wear a short-sleeve shirt.
What am I, Matt Damon from the informant?
No, I'm just saying that you could already.
What am I, Dennis Kucinich?
Yeah, all right.
I don't know why you got such a Michael Douglas and falling down.
I get it.
He wore short sleeves.
What about my Gene Hackman and Hoosiers?
Okay.
What about Kevin Costner and JFK?
Okay.
What am I, Chris Hardwick?
I don't know what that means.
What am I all in with Chris Hayes?
Yeah, okay.
All right.
So you don't like wearing the short sleeves.
I get it.
What am I, Newman from Seinfeld?
All right.
But a short sleeve makes sense.
Point is I don't wear those shirts.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I appreciate you taking time out to talk to us today, Governor.
I don't know either, man.
We really got off track.
Yeah.
But hey, thanks for having me on your show.
I'll send you some ammonia nitrate in the mail in a gift basket.
Is that like a powder?
Are you sending a powder?
No, it'll be like clumpy.
Oh, okay.
Okay, Governor, thank you.
Good.
Thank you.
*laughter* *claps*
Okay, so in case you didn't hear it last week, I'm going to play it again this week.
It's the Michael Douglas phone call, and he's afraid.
He's afraid that, you know, it sounds like he's afraid people might think he is gay because he did the candelabra movie, and he seems to be overcompensating on this phone call.
You'll be the judge.
Here's Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas, we all know what happened with Michael Douglas.
He said he got the throat cancer.
Hey, Michael, I think we have Michael.
Michael on you, are you on the line?
Can I hear you, Michael?
Hi, Jimmy.
It's Michael Douglas here.
Sorry it took me so long to return your call.
I was busy performing cunnelingus on a woman.
Well, that's great.
Good for you.
Oh, what?
don't believe me Oh, what?
You don't believe me?
Of course I believe you.
Why wouldn't I believe when you said you could perform cunnelingus?
Because if you didn't believe that I love women and performing oral sex, then I was going to ask you to explain to me how I got the kind of cancer you get from performing oral sex on a woman's vagina.
Because that's the kind I got, buddy.
A doctor said that.
Okay.
I believe you really.
Oh, sorry.
Got to come up for air.
What?
I really do.
I believe you.
I really believe you.
I wanted to ask you about behind the candelabra, okay?
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
Okay.
I get it.
I get what you're doing.
Oh, yeah.
That thing.
Yeah, that thing.
I took that off because it was such a great acting challenge.
Don't you think we did a superb job of acting gay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Superb job.
I mean, really, stellar acting, me and Matt Damon, who I think is gross, by the way.
I know ladies like him, but I don't find him the least bit.
I mean, I don't find any man attractive.
Everyone is saying what a great acting job I did.
I tell you, I love eating pussy so much I got cancer.
Did I say that earlier?
Because that's fucking true.
Yeah.
I know.
See, it seems like you're overcompensating.
I mean, I see what you're doing.
You don't have to do.
People know you are acting in that movie.
People aren't worried that you.
I see what you're doing, Michael.
You don't have to do this, okay?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm telling you, it's okay.
I was busy sweeping all these sex crumbs out of my bed.
It happens when you do a good job going down first.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, it's okay.
It is okay, Michael.
All right.
Just trust me.
I gotta say, I guess this is just God's way of punishing me for having a kick-ass life.
Why, how?
First, he gave my ex-wife more money than I even thought I had.
$45 million.
That's a big divorce settlement.
Yes.
It's more than Donald Trump and Mick Jagger combined.
Yes, that is.
It actually is.
And for what?
What?
$45 million so I could marry a Hollywood starlet less than half my age.
Yeah.
Sounds like a good deal.
You find out she's bipolar and her pussy gave you cancer.
Okay.
Well, you know what?
I guess I never looked at it like that.
Well, maybe you should start looking at it that way, my friend.
Okay, Michael.
Michael Douglas got cancer from eating pussy.
Yeah, I. I want you to take a second and let that sit in.
Really settle in.
Yes, it has settled in.
I got it.
How did you get cancer?
What?
Oh, that's right.
You don't even have it.
Yes, that's right.
I don't have cancer.
I guess we know who won that one.
Yeah.
I guess you got cancer and you win?
Is that how you're putting it out now?
All right.
I got to get it back to.
Okay, I got.
You know what?
Yeah, I know.
All right, I'll see you, Michael.
I'm going to go try to get some cancer in my dick.
Michael Douglas, ladies and gentlemen.
Woo!
I can't remember.
I was younger, but you, they haven't really bad enough of your school.
And, I feel very happy to have it sometimes.
You should have been our struggle.
Your hobby, your all I Holy shit, huh?
That Michael Douglas call, I've listened to it a million times.
It gets funnier for me each time.
I hope it gets funny for you, too.
All right.
It was so funny last week.
I played it again.
God bless you.
That's Mike McRae, the hilarious Mike McRae at mikemcray.com, who we're going to be talking to and the premium content for this week.
It's nice.
Oh, well, you know, the Jimmy Dorse show never takes a vacation, and we should.
So, but we, you know, here it is every week after week, even during fun drives, we're putting out a show and we're going to talk to Mike McRae in the premium content this week.
So that's a great, good reason to get it.
And, you know, for the price of a cup of coffee, also here is a great way to help support the show.
If you're going to send flowers, right?
It's graduation season.
And if you're going to send flowers, my wife taught me a long time ago that women love getting flowers, no matter the occasion.
So here's a great way to help support the show and a good deal to do it.
If you go to proflowers.com, they have bouquets starting at $19.99.
And it's a great company, by the way.
You know, JD Power and Associates chose them as the awarded the highest customer satisfaction for online flowers.
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You go to proflowers.com, and here's how you get a little deal and help support the show.
You click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner at proflowers.com.
You type in GPD.
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It doesn't cost you anything extra.
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Somebody gets some great flowers that are guaranteed, satisfaction guaranteed of their money back, and it helps support the show.
Isn't that a nice deal?
Okay.
I want to let you know that today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, Robert Yasamura, and Mark Van Land Do It.
Also, want to take some time to give a shout out to our friend Sean James who donates his time and talent to help make this show happen, which it wouldn't happen without him because he fixes my Macintosh whenever something goes wrong.
And it's all the time.
It's not supposed to happen with Macintoshes, but it sure does.
And if it happens to you, he can fix it for you too, right over the internet.
It's amazing to see.
And you just send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
He spells Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
Plus, you can give him a phone call if your computer's not working.
347-695-0601 is a way to get a hold of Sean.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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