All Episodes
Previous Next
Feb. 9, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:05:48
20130209_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_2-8-13
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, British scientists announced that the skeleton found under a parking lot in Leicester, England last year is indeed the 500-year-old remains of King Richard III, proving there's still a lot of stuff buried in Europe.
Richard was the last English monarch to die in battle, which started the grand tradition of sending anybody else instead.
The condition of his skull suggests Richard was struck in the head numerous times, confirming that security for the King of England was shoddy at best.
Part of his skull was sliced off, and scientists believe the fatal blow was a trauma to the back of the head.
Although there are many who still insist there had to be a second battle axe that came from the front.
The injuries also suggested Richard may have lost his helmet during the battle and that he certainly could have used it.
Although he's had an extremely bad reputation, partly due to Shakespeare's play, some historians claim Richard may not have been a brutal tyrant, but only a moderately ruthless dictator.
He ruled England for barely two years at a time when kings were slaughtered so often it was almost impossible to win a second term.
Richard III may in fact have been politically liberal, introducing laws that help the common man, including the institution of bail and the banning of restrictions on printing and selling books, which explains why they killed him.
Now that his identity has been definitively proven, the former monarch will finally receive a proper burial and the owner of the parking lot will jack his rates up.
This extremely unlikely discovery has not only thrilled the British people, but as Americans it gives us new hope that maybe someday we'll find Jimmy Hoffa.
All right, that's, uh, cool, nice.
I want my heart to be back.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
In Charles Talker, Key Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian, Great Ran at the top.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy, thank you.
It's great to be back on Coinga.
It's great to be at Coanga in Studio City slash North Hollywood.
Across from him, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's Steph Samrano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Hola, Kaimi.
Aye, hola.
Okay, nobody, that's it.
This is just us three today, huh?
It's nice, nice, small.
It's cozy.
Powerful.
Okay, now let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, they're trying to ban, they're trying to get the gun legislation through now, you guys.
They're trying to ban high-capacity ammo clips.
Yeah, they're trying to ban the high-capacity ammunition clips, but I don't think it's going to happen due to the low-capacity testicles of certain members of Congress.
Very true, Jimmy.
Very true.
So we learned a lot this week about the drones and the presidential power he's taking.
Did you know that Obama has the power to order preemptive cyber strikes?
He is also constitutionally allowed to live tweet Downton Abbey before it airs.
One of the perks of the office.
That's a presidential privilege there, I'll tell you that.
Hey, did you know Paul Paul Krugman's coming out against the NRA?
He's fighting against Paul Krugman said that he called the NRA an insane organization, and the NRA issued a sharp rebuke.
After Paul Krumman called the NRA an insane organization, the NRA issued a sharp rebuke from its headquarters deep inside Bellevue.
Bellevue Hospital.
Bellevue, I get.
Well, we all get Bellevue, right?
There's a place where crazy people go.
Yes.
You know what?
Did I tell you I watched the Super Bowl this year?
I watched it on the internet.
You watched it on the internet?
I thought you didn't like the Super Bowl.
I only watched it for the pop-up ads.
Hey, the inventor of the Etcha sketch died.
Did you know that before the Etcha sketch was a symbol of Mitt Romney's empty soul?
It was a toy?
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, we're going to talk about the right wing tries to rebrand and the infighting, the Civil War.
You know, there's a civil war going on inside the Republican Party.
Plus, we're going to talk about Chris Christie has some sharp rebukes for a doctor who said he might die.
We're also going to talk about the sequester and what it means to the Defense Department with Leon Panetta.
Plus, the post office is stopping a Saturday mail delivery.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then after that, we're going to talk about the drone strikes.
It's all in the news.
A white paper got released talking about what the president can do and who he can kill and who he can't.
We'll talk all about it.
Plus, we're going to have phone calls from Chris Christie calls in.
Barack Obama calls in.
Plus, Donald Trump gives us a ring.
Plus, a lot more.
today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
We'll be right back.
Okay, so in case you didn't know, there's a civil war going on inside the Republican Party, right?
On both sides of the South.
So there's, and it's the back, it's the bat crazy Republicans, right?
The Tea Party, bad crazy Republicans versus the regular ass Republicans, right?
Who's going to win?
So, well, so what the problem is, is that the party has gotten too radical.
They've gone too far to the right.
And for instance, here's a Tea Party guy we caught just recently talking about, he was trying to talk to a constituency about charter schools.
And here's his, if you can't hear what he says, I'll tell you what he says afterwards.
He's talking to a group and he's talking to them about who actually attends charter schools.
He says it's not the A students.
He says...
If you don't go to charter schools, they're A students.
They go to charter schools because they're family students.
And my and large charter schools have a higher percentage of poor families, ethically challenged families.
It's the poor, it's the bad students that go to charter schools.
And you get a lot of poor children in there, and you get a lot of, and this is what he said I'm quoting, a lot of ethnically challenged.
What could that mean?
What's he getting at?
I guess he had to say that instead of saying members of the mud races.
He tried to paper it over, make us feel better.
So according to him, good students go to public schools, bad students go to charter schools, and students whose parents are morons get homeschooled.
Is that all right?
And everything worked out.
His point is that there's no sense in wasting our tax dollars on anything that might help Mexicans.
Come on.
You know, come on, let's be real.
But it is a challenge to be in certain ethnic groups because no matter what you do, that guy's going to hate your gut.
It's hopeless.
Okay, so these are the...
And that an embryo is a person, you know, all that stuff.
so they've been having a civil war, and so they're in full freakout mode, right?
Trying to figure the Republicans are in full freakout mode, trying to figure out where to go from here.
Earlier this week, we saw Eric Cantor try to rebrand the party.
We're going to play that later.
And Obama is, and here's Brill O'Reilly blaming Baron Obama for demonizing the Republicans.
That's the problem that Barack Obama has demonized.
But watch the clip he throws to, right?
Let's listen.
And the president has been somewhat successful in demonizing Republicans.
Listen to this.
We've got to stop being the stupid party.
And I'm serious, it's time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.
It's time for us to articulate our plans and our visions for America in real terms.
So Brill O'Reilly says that what's wrong with the Republican Party is that Barack Obama has been successful in demonizing them.
And to prove it, he shows you a video clip of Bobby Jindal, a Republican governor, ripping on the Republicans for being the stupid party.
What's better proof that Barack Obama is demonizing them than showing a Republican demonizing them?
I guess.
I don't know what that's...
I think he was stupid for using that term because that term is so obnoxious and so good for the other side that he should not have used that term because that term is going to be living now with the Republican Party for a long time.
And they're going to have his face on television saying it for the next four years.
So there's a real division in the Republican Party caused by friction over how to handle complex issues like gun control and immigration.
So that's not what he said.
He said the problem was Barack Obama was demonizing them and he plays Bobby Jindal and Donald Trump.
And then all of a sudden it's a different.
No, no, it's because we have disagreements over how to handle big things like immigration.
You know, I feel like I'm through the looking glass here.
Yes.
Yes, Republicans, you are a serious party that routinely asks Donald Trump what he thinks about stuff.
The fact that Donald Trump is against Bobby Jindal speaks well of Bobby Jindal.
In fact, it affirms the veracity of his comments, I would say.
To blame Obama for what Jindal was saying, Obama got into Jindal's head.
Was he hanging out with him?
I mean, is he dating him?
What is he doing?
It doesn't make any, it just shows you how scattered they are.
And of course, Fox News and Bill O'Reilly in particular are infuriated by what Bobby Jindal is suggesting.
You know, hey, not spewing reactive talking points to win over third-grade mentality.
That's our bread and butter, Bobby Jindal.
Bobby, you're trying to take food out of my kids' mouths, or more accurately, scotch out of my liver.
And if the Republican Party did heed Bobby Jindal's words, I'm pretty sure Donald Trump would turn into a pillar of salt.
Okay.
So they shouldn't be listening to Bobby Jindal, Donald Trump.
Who should they be listening to, Bill O'Reilly?
Here's who he says they should look to.
Last night it was interesting to hear conservative rock guy, Ted Nugent, really level a CNN commentator.
We're not talking about guns.
We're talking about the act of murder.
Do you care about murders or do you only care about murders with guns?
I care about old death.
I don't think you do.
I think you care about guns.
I think you're obsessed with guns.
99.99% of the gun owners of America are wonderful people that you are hanging around with here today.
Perfectly safe, perfectly harmless, wonderful, loving, giving, generous, caring people.
Would you leave us the hell alone?
Go after the nut jobs.
Go after the murderers because I don't know any.
Now, that kind of straight talk is what the Republican Party needs.
That level-headed saying.
Yes, you need more Ted Nugent, the guy who made semi-veiled threats against the president, the guy who invited the Secretary of State to suck his machine gun.
Yeah, Bill, that's where the Republican Party needs to go.
A redneck with a borderline personality browbeating his opposition with fallacious arguments.
Cue battle him of the Republic because I am inspired.
Finally, a leader.
We can believe him.
That's who Bill thinks they should follow.
Ted Nugent.
Okay.
And last week, Eric Cantor gave a speech, right?
So everybody's talking about this speech Eric Cantor gave where he tried to rebrand the Republican Party.
So that's what we're talking about.
This creates a fun, crazy time right now for me.
I'm enjoying the hell out of this, right?
To watch them circle the wagons and shoot at each other and, you know, circular firing squads.
So here, Eric Cantor goes out and tries to rebrand the Republican Party, but L. Sharpton's people at the L. Sharpton show caught that not only was Eric Cantor trying to rebrand them, he was ripping off speech directly from Barack Obama, right?
So listen, here's Barack Obama first.
Well, it starts by making sure that everyone in America gets a fair shot at success.
Okay, so everyone gets a fair shot.
Now here's Eric Cantor.
Our goal is to ensure that every American has a fair shot to earn success.
Okay, wait, there's more.
Eric Carter.
He put the word earn in.
Yeah, he switched it up.
Yeah, he's no Mike Bonicle.
That's why immigrants from around the world historically have flocked to our shores.
That hope led generations of immigrants to risk everything to endure a tough journey to come to our shores.
Flock there.
Wow.
So there you go.
It's got the immigration, got opportunity for all.
Let's see what's the next one.
Should be giving people the chance to get new skills and training.
As job markets are changing, more skills, training, and education are needed.
Wow.
He doesn't even switch the paragraphs around to throw us off.
I knew it was bad, Steve, but I didn't know it was that bad.
Is this what it's come to now?
The Republicans are so desperate to win elections that they would actually use government to help people.
That goes against everything they've believed in up till now.
I mean, they're turning it on their head.
They're supposed to be the party of no government.
Government does.
You pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
And here's Rush Limbaugh.
Here's his, so he's going to lament about Eric Cantor.
There isn't any resistance to Obama anywhere.
And it's going to get worse even from this point.
There's no political impetus.
There's no perceived upside on the part of Republicans for standing in the way of Obama.
Yes, there is no upside in standing in the way of common sense legislation, most of which you guys used to be in favor of until the black guy got elected.
Yeah, and you know, there's no upside in standing against the common sense legislation that the majority of the country has voted for twice now.
Yeah.
It is because of who Obama is and what his policies are and the perception that the American people massively support it all.
Yes, yes.
There's that stupid perception, Steve, that based on nothing but two landslide elections and polls that show the Republicans are less popular than swine flu.
But other than that, the perception is completely baseless.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
We'll be right back.
Okay, let's get back into the studio where I'm joined by former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Zemruno.
And we're talking about, we're listening to Rush Limbaugh lament about what Eric Cantor is trying to do to rebrand the Republican Party after the two crushing defeats to Barack Obama.
Okay, we're right in the middle, and Rush Limbaugh is a little upset with Eric Cantor trying to rebrand.
Where do they get this?
And that's why Cantor is saying we're going to have to do a better job of explaining who we are.
We need to do a better job explaining why we're doing what we're doing.
Yeah, that's not, first of all, that's not what's needed.
The problem is people found out what you're doing.
They explained it really good.
Yeah.
People figured out what you were going to do, and that's why they didn't vote for you.
They didn't like it.
It wasn't bad communication.
I think, well, that epitomizes how lost they all feel.
And right now, folks, there is no fight.
There is no desire for any opposition of any kind.
Oh, don't you feel bad for him?
Just him and his billion dollars.
How does he live?
He's really bummed.
He's really bummed out.
I'm thoroughly enjoying the complete devolving of the GOP.
Yes.
How many different sides can they possibly be on?
Here's Eric Cantor talking to John King.
All the sides are wrong.
Yes, it's weird.
Yes.
Yes, all the sides are wrong.
You can have so many opinions and you're still here's a little more Eric Cantor talking to John Kennedy.
What I think is we can learn a lot from the last election.
And last election, we really spoke a lot about the macro fiscal situation in this country, which is not good for people.
But it's almost as if we didn't complete this sentence.
We've got to demonstrate why we're doing and explain why we're doing what we're doing.
Okay, you're doing what you're doing because you're bought and paid for by corporate interests, the Defense Department, energy companies, telecommunication companies, and General Electric.
That's why you're, oh, and the banks.
I forgot that.
And what was the thought that they didn't finish?
That, oh, and we don't think government should ever help you.
You're on your own.
We didn't finish the sentence.
The sentence being, we're not going to do anything for you.
We thought that it would be better if we didn't say that.
So we've kept our mouths shut.
So here, and here's Bill Kristol.
Here's what he had to say.
He was on the Fox panel.
They should worry less about how they look and they should just act according to conservative principles.
Yes, yes, yes.
Haven't they been acting according to conservative principles?
I don't know what they've been acting according to, other than that.
Trying to kill Obamacare.
That was a conservative principle.
I can't think of anything they've done that hasn't been conservative.
That's your question, John.
So then here's this guy who disagrees with him.
They also.
So now there's this Karl Rove.
Now, Kyle Rove is there's a big fight between Karl Rove and the Tea Party people.
This is my favorite part.
So Karl Rove is saying that he wants to get rid of these crazy nutjobs like Todd Aiken and the guy who said the guy was ethnically challenged and the witch girl and member from Christine O'Donnell, Sharon Engel.
So he wants to get rid.
So he's talking about all these get rid of all the crazies in the party.
And what Karl Rove is saying, we need to elect the most conservative person who can win.
That's what we need to back.
The most conservative person who can win.
And they're saying, well, here's what Bill Kristol says about that.
Although Bill left it out, they lost a lot of Senate races.
And one reason they lost it.
They were establishment candidates.
And now the establishment's going to come in.
And now the establishment's going to come in.
Right, two Tea Party candidates lost and about seven establishment candidates lost.
Aiken branded the whole party.
Oh, is that right?
The Republicans were running ahead.
And then Eric Cantor, who has studied these issues, I think, carefully, at least I hope he got his money's worth, is doing some important things in this speech.
He's saying Washington and the Republican establishment are coming to the rescue.
Those toniest out of the country.
Yes, so there's a good fight brewing, right?
So William Kristol's on the other side.
He's against Karl Rove.
He's with the Tea Party people.
He says, what?
The Tea Party people lost, but establishment people lost more.
Now, Kyle Rove is upset that these Tea Party, like the Freedom Works and the Tea Party Express, that they're trying to raise money from Republicans because he's supposed to be the only guy who can raise money.
Here's what he has to say.
Groups that have most gone on it with their little emails and their fundraising pitches.
I like, first of all, I like how he says little emails.
That's so if you call anything little.
Because you send out big emails?
It's not important if it's little.
Yeah, you do little emails.
Groups that have most gone on it with their little emails and their fundraising pitches are groups that are not like crossroads in that they are fundraising entities where most of the money gets sucked up into overhead and goes into the pocket of the person who owns the website or owns the political action committee.
Remember, I'm a volunteer.
I don't take a dime from crossroads.
Okay, so there you go.
So now he's telling, don't give your money to them because they just all put it in their pockets and it goes to overhead and it doesn't help.
So it's nice that they're really fighting.
Barack Obama has really ruined the Republican Party.
I hope.
It's, well, it took a Republican to ruin the Republicans is what I'm saying.
Wow.
You know, it's nice to know how Karl Rove is such a noble dude.
Yes.
Yeah, he doesn't take any money.
It's all about, it's all about his heart.
He's just giving.
He's just giving.
And so let's just play this.
We'll end this segment with Dick Morris that got so bad that Fox News has actually fired Sarah Palin and Dick Morris, right?
So they got rid of.
So here's what, and let's just play the Lawrence O'Donnell put this together in between bits of overacting, overacting dramatically.
Wow, that guy's a little bit, there's a little butts to Lawrence O'Donnell.
So here is the greatest hits of Dick Morris.
And you'll see why the Republican Party is having to rebrand and rethink and fire some people.
This was an unbelievable win for Sarah Palin.
In fact, I think that it unveiled a level of skill in communication that I really have not seen since Ronald Reagan.
She is a superstar.
Her ability to bypass the conventional wisdom of Washington, her ability to speak in a tone and a genre, a style that was so authentic and so outside of the mainstream, it was Just unbelievable.
Barack Obama might be, might be the first anti-American president we've ever had.
You cannot count out at this point Herman Kane and Michelle Bottom.
I guarantee you, Sean, based on what I've heard from third parties who I've spoken to, that William Jefferson Clinton is going to cast his ballot for Mitt Romney.
I can't count for those two differences because there are so many factors that go into it.
My general comment about these polls is that they understate the Romney vote and overstate the Obama vote because they are using a 2008 model of turnout.
Are you still confident Mitt Romney is going to win the election?
Absolutely, by a good bit.
All right.
Morris, everybody.
I believe if the election were held today, Romney would win by four or five points.
I believe he would carry Florida, Ohio, Virginia.
I believe he would carry Nevada.
I believe he would carry Pennsylvania.
Oh, come on.
Pennsylvania.
And I believe he would be competitive in Michigan.
We're going to win.
How does he do it?
Romney will win by a very large margin, the landslide, if you will.
I believe he'll win by more than five points in the popular vote.
I think he'll get 325 electoral votes.
Good evening, Dick.
All right, Dick.
What do you think?
We're going to win by a landslide.
Oh, man.
It will be the biggest surprise in recent American history.
I like how he says it'll be the biggest surprise in recent American political history.
In recent.
Recent.
You mean like the biggest surprise in the last month?
When you say recent?
I like how they say.
If you put history in there, it sounds big.
And here's Dick Morris after the election.
Hi.
I thought Obama would be buried in a landslide instead.
I've been in a bit of a mudslide on my face.
Is that mud or something else?
Come on.
Beep.
Jimmy D. This is Obi-Wan Obama.
Two-term president-elect.
That's right.
Two.
Just a few weeks in.
I'm already bored.
I'm hanging out in the Oval.
There's nothing to do around here.
I've snuck a smoke in every corner of this dump.
Nothing but reruns of ice road truckers on TV.
You ever wonder why we're here, Jimmy?
I mean, why are we here?
Oh, sure.
There'll be a rally or fundraiser.
I'll make a speech and glad handbots of people.
But what does it all mean?
What's the point of it all?
I think I'll go shoot some skeet before Michelle's get back.
It's back from the hairdresser.
Call your later, Jimmy.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
Let's go to the studio where I'm joined by former writer from the Daily Show and hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield and the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's Steph Samurano.
Now, let's talk about Chris Christie because he's in the news this week.
Chris Christie, a lot of stuff happening.
He went on David Letterman and he pretended, first of all, I don't know if you saw him on David Letterman.
Now, this is true.
This is not me being mean.
He didn't fit in the chair.
Oh, really?
He didn't fit in the chair.
He had to sit kind of sideways in it, and he had like, he just kind of had his left cheek kind of on the chair.
He sat sideways the whole time.
Right, Steph?
And you're going to be able to do that.
Steph looks at him and she goes, he can't fit in the chair.
So he can't fit in the chair.
All right.
And so this is not just making fun of a fact.
This goes to there's a bigger point coming.
And first of all, he goes out on David Letterman.
And as David Letterman starts to ask him about the jokes he's told, Chris Christie pulls out a donut.
Okay, listen.
I've made jokes about you, not just one or two, not just ongoing here and there, intermittent, but...
And that's him pulling out the dough.
So that was him pulling out the donuts.
And he started eating a donut.
Ah, Tolera, look, you're the fleet.
It wasn't a bit.
He was hungry.
I don't think.
That's funny.
He probably wasn't.
It probably wasn't a bit.
So then he goes on, now Chris Christie's going to show he has a sense of humor.
We'll have a couple that you did that actually are some of my personal favorites.
Celebrity birthday.
So here he is.
So here, Chris Christie decides to repeat some of the jokes that David Letterman has told about him to show what he's a good sport.
Celebrity birthday today, Chris Christie turns 50.
He blew out the candles on his cake and he wished for another cake.
A billion dollars will be spent on potato chips for Super Bowl Sunday, and that's just at Governor Christie's house.
Okay, so what are you going to do, right?
You can't fit in the chair.
You got to make a joke about yourself, right?
What are you going to do?
So then David Letterman starts to ask him about his health.
How is your cholesterol?
Actually, you know, Dave, my cholesterol is normal, believe it or not.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
And what about your blood sugar?
Blood sugar, also normal.
Also normal.
So you're like basically the healthiest fat guy you've ever seen in your life.
Yeah, you're right up there with John Candy.
What is that?
Not as funny.
That's like, you know, sex like say, you know, I'm also the healthiest drug addict.
Keith Richards, the healthiest drug addict you ever saw.
So then get this.
So then CNN gets a camera in front of one of these ex-White House.
There's a doctor in the White House I didn't know, but this is called an ex-White House Doctor.
And she's a female and she says this about Chris Christie after she had watched him on David Letterman.
I'm a Republican, so I like Chris Christie a lot.
I want him to run.
I just want him to lose weight.
I'm a physician more than a Democrat or Republican, and I worry about this man dying in office.
Okay, so here, here, Chris Christie, that did not sit well with Chris Christie.
And so he had a press conference the next day and he said this.
I find it fascinating that a doctor in Arizona who's never met me, never examined me, never reviewed my medical history or records, knows nothing about my family history, could make a diagnosis from 2,400 miles away.
She must be a genius.
Or it was a clear day and she could actually see you from Arizona.
You're Chris Christie.
You can be seen from outer space.
Are you kidding me?
Of course she could see you.
I'm not a doctor and I know he's fat.
Hey, podcast listeners, how are you?
Thanks for everybody who gave me a nice message about my dog Bubba passing.
It was very sweet of you.
He was a good boy.
16 years he lasted.
16 years.
We got 16 great years out of him.
I miss him already.
I love my little boy.
Okay.
It's amazing how much you can love a little dog, isn't it?
It's amazing.
And it's amazing how much a little dog can fill up a house.
Anyway, thanks everybody who sent me the nice messages.
And, you know, this is my podcast listeners, my favorite listeners.
Lots of things happen.
First of all, you're going to get more shows today, right?
We're going to give you an extend the show.
We're going to put the Donald Trump thing at the end, Donald Trump phone call, which is very funny, done by Ben Zelavanski.
Also, I want to let you know this show was made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
That's you guys.
So how do you support the show, Jimmy?
The easiest way that doesn't cost you a penny, you just use our Amazon.com box.
The next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
There's a box on the right-hand side.
You click on that, it takes you to Amazon.com.
And when you buy something, they send us some money.
So, it's great.
It doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
Plus, you can always make a direct donation to the Jimmy Door show over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And when you do, we send you something nice in the mail, a card or a CD or a DVD, depending on how much you donate.
So, thanks very much.
And guess what?
Premium content is coming.
It's here.
I figured out it.
We've got it all figured out.
We're going to be dropping some later this weekend, and we're going to be telling you how to do it.
So, don't worry about it.
It's all working out.
The Jimmy DoorComedy.com.
Thanks.
And you can always check out the videos of our web series over there, too, right?
We got the web series happening over at the Young Turks.
But I put the videos up on my at jimmydoorcomedy.com, so you don't have to go anywhere but over there, okay?
So, thanks to everybody for your support.
Thanks for your donations.
Thanks for making the show possible.
And thanks for helping spread the word about the Jimmy Door show.
We're picking up listeners every week, and it really feels good.
We're got some momentum.
So, thanks for everything.
Really, I have the best listeners in the whole wide world, and my heart is full.
So, thanks, everybody, for all you do.
And right now, let's get back to the second half of the show.
Yeah, it doesn't take a doctor, right?
So, here we go.
He goes out.
He was really upset.
She should probably be the Surgeon General of the United States, I suspect, because she must be a genius.
I think this is listen, this is just another hack who wants five minutes on TV.
Wow, or not all fat men are jolly, Amy.
Yeah, let me look at it again.
She should probably be the Surgeon General of the United States, I suspect, because she must be a genius.
Or maybe she should be the Surgeon General because she's not afraid to tackle the obesity problem in our country or speak truth to the powerfully, morbidly obese.
Do we need a sarcastic president, really?
You know, maybe that's why she should be surgeon general because she does that.
She fights obesity instead of you know going on national TV and saying that the fattest guy in the state is really healthy.
All right, he went on, he went on at this press conference.
Here he goes, and it's and it's completely irresponsible, completely irresponsible.
My children saw that last night, and she sat there on TV and said, I'm afraid he's going to die in office.
I have four children between nine and 19.
You know, my children, my 12-year-old son comes to me last night and said, Dad, are you going to die?
I mean, come on, this is irresponsible stuff.
And people who have a medical license, who have the privilege of having a medical license, should, in my view, conduct themselves more responsibly than that.
So, let me get this straight.
According to Chris Christie, eating until you no longer fit into a chair is super responsible.
But pointing out that morbid obesity can kill you is the height of irresponsibility.
Okay, I got it.
And also, I guess, according to Chris Christie, we should all shut up about those drinking and driving, right?
Because there's lots of drunks who have kids, and you don't want to have your kids worry about their drunk dads dying, right?
So, you can't have everything you can't, you can never mention the problem.
You just have to, you can never go.
If you talk about the problem, you're a jerk.
The problem isn't the problem.
It's the same thing with Charlie Sheen.
Everybody should shut up about how drugs can kill you because he's got kids.
That's the new rule now, right?
According to Chris Christie, it's so hard to talk about the elephant in the room when you're the elephant for a fat guy.
He sure has a thin skin.
Yeah.
So, I actually called Chris Christie.
Ah, okay.
We've got Governor Chris Christie on the line.
Governor Chris Christie, how are you?
Thanks for joining us.
Listen, we saw what happened this week with the Letterman thing and then the White House doctor coming out.
And, you know, why are you so mad at that doctor for just kind of pointing out, you know, that?
Well, she could tell that all the way from Arizona because you're the fattest man in all of New Jersey.
That's saying something, okay?
There are doctors who can diagnose your condition from Alpha Centauri.
I'm a large man.
I get it.
That doesn't mean I'm not in good health.
What?
How can you be in good health?
You are what the American Medical Association calls morbidly obese, Governor.
What does that mean?
I'm not, I don't know exactly what it means, but all I can tell you is I know it's not good because it's got the word morbidly right in it, right?
And that's not good.
Well, I can assure you that I'm very much alive and eating.
I mean, kicking.
And it's very irresponsible of the AMA to say that I am morbidly obese without ever having met me.
They are hacks that want attention.
Well, of course they never met you.
They're an organization, not a personal doctor.
They should shut up until they have a doctor.
But they are doctors.
You don't get what I'm saying?
Then they should shut up until they examine me.
Well, see, that's what people...
You brought me ice cream with no gravy.
There's the gravy for my fucking ice cream.
You see, Governor, that's fine.
See, Governor, that's what people are talking about.
This is what we're talking about here.
You don't need to personally examine you or even be a doctor to know that you're in bad shape and at risk of health problems that could kill you soon, okay?
Directly caused by your extreme waste.
They want your mouth already.
I got kids here, and they could hear you say that, and it would upset them.
Dominant, hurry up with that ice.
You're hired again.
Dominic, hurry up with that ice cream gravy and refill my Mac and Cheese food bag.
Will you?
You're very irresponsible to say that stuff, Jimmy Doll.
Yeah, well, listen, Governor, let's just talk about your health, okay?
So what's your cholesterol?
What is it?
Normal.
What do you mean, normal?
I need a number.
What's the number?
What is it?
5,500.
Which is normal for a guy on hippopotamus, my size.
That sounds high.
That sounds high.
No, normal.
No.
Okay, what about your blood pressure?
Normal.
Your blood pressure is normal.
What's the number that your blood pressure is?
What's the number?
380.
Well, 380?
That's what's 380 over what?
What is it?
What is it over?
380 over easy with ashbrows.
Okay, that's an egg dish.
That's not.
I'm just saying, you don't have to be a doctor to know that you sound very unhealthy, okay?
You shut your mouth.
You don't know anything.
Don't your kids see how overweight you are?
Doesn't it scare them?
I mean, it's not like they need someone to tell them you're over.
They can see that you're unhealthy.
My kids, they don't.
I'm their dad.
That's all they know.
What do you mean?
They're not worried about me being fat.
My kids are fat, too.
Oh, okay.
They don't know the difference.
What do you mean they don't know that?
They don't know the difference between what?
It looks like the solar system in our house.
Why they spill it around.
You mean because you're all so heavy and big?
It's my rules and Kepler's laws in this house.
What?
What is it?
Kepler's laws.
What is Kepler's law?
It's an astronomy joke.
Keep going.
Okay.
So now, Governor, tell me.
So basically, in your house, it's like an alcoholics' house where the problem never gets talked about.
But if someone talks about the problem, that's a problem.
Is that what you're saying?
I don't hang out with losers like that.
I don't know.
What are you talking about?
I don't see them over at the ice cream shop.
So, okay.
All right.
So I get what's happening in your house.
Now, tell me, now, do you work out at all?
Do you exercise?
I'm a very busy man.
I don't have time to be going to the curves or wherever you go to work out.
I'm a governor of a state.
Yeah, I know, but you shouldn't.
I don't got time for working out.
My working out is running New Jersey.
That's my exercise.
I hear that you're busy, but how about walking?
Do you at least walk?
That's very good.
I take the stairs every time I get into my SUV.
What?
There's a couple steps there.
Yeah, I don't really think that that counts.
It's not like you hop right in.
What am I?
Adoka has it.
Okay.
Not Adoka has it, Jimmy.
No, I take the steps.
Yeah, I hear you.
Exercise.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's exactly exercise.
Yeah, I really don't.
Hideoglyphics.
So you don't even walk?
I mean, walking, people say it's a great exercise to walk.
Do you walk places?
Let's just say I do walk around, but I can't do it that often, especially if I'm wearing corduroy pants.
Why is that?
Starts a brush fire.
And then we got to call FIBA.
And then what do you got to do?
And then we got to call FIBA.
We got to move into the trailer.
I'm not doing anything doing that.
I can't fit my solar system family into the trailer.
Okay, Governor.
You shouldn't refer to your family like that.
I'm tired of people taking pot shots at me.
Yeah, I know you are, Governor.
I want chicken pot pie shots taken at you.
You know, I don't think making jokes like that.
I don't think making jokes like that is really helping your cause.
I really don't think that's.
I'm a large man.
I know.
I know you're a large man, Governor.
Okay, I'm a little beast.
I've been very upfront about that.
I know that.
I'm aware of that.
Yeah, I know.
So are a lot of other Americans.
Maybe I'm more representative of the American population than the rest of these two guys.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
You represent America because you're fat.
You talk about changing demographics.
They're like, oh, we got to fix immigration.
We got to be, you know, we got to count down to the Hispanic population.
Biggest population exploding in this country is fat people.
Yeah.
I'm keeping up with the population.
Okay.
Well, that's a weird way to look at it.
Well, it went elections.
You got to change with the times, demographics.
Yeah.
And a fucking fat guy a day.
Votes.
Votes.
Okay.
Well, listen, Governor, I really, I appreciate you taking this time out to talk to us.
And we'll talk to you again soon, I hope, okay?
Hey, I appreciate it.
Okay, thank you, buddy.
Fuck you.
Okay.
Okay, buddy.
All right.
All right.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so I was watching Press the Meet with David Gregory, and he had Leon Panetta on and the new joint chiefs of staff, and they were lamenting about the sequester that might go through, right?
So if we all know about the sequester, automatic cuts that are so draconian and so horrible that people would definitely act before letting that happen, right?
So here's what they asked him about what's going to happen if the sequester goes through.
Let me tell you, if sequester happens, it is going to badly damage the readiness of the United States of America.
And by readiness, he means the ability to spend trillions of dollars on shit they don't even tell them about.
They don't want to tell them.
Yeah, yeah.
So we need every dollar we've got now because that's our only hope of getting twice as much next year.
That's our plan.
We have the most powerful military force on the face of the earth right now.
Yeah, we're the most powerful force on the face of the earth right now.
I didn't realize it.
It'd make more sense to say we aren't.
What am I doing?
Yeah, what's he doing?
He should have said we aren't the most powerful force.
We need more money if you want us to be the most powerful.
We're not yet.
We're going to need more trillions.
Yeah, but if you want logic, don't go to the Pentagon, okay?
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, we need to be able to fight two wars at the same time with zero chance of winning either one.
But it's two.
It's two at once.
I've never even thought of it that way.
We're fighting two wars at once.
Not a chance to win either of them.
Wow.
Wow.
It might seem like a ridiculously high amount of money, but you should see the way those soldiers eat.
They're hungry, those guys.
So let me just play it.
Here's what he says.
If the sequester goes through.
I'll tell you, if sequester happens, it is going to badly damage the readiness of the United States of America.
We have the most powerful military force on the face of the earth right now.
He sounds very serious because they're going to cut his money.
But I don't know if you remember last year I played this clip on the show when Scott Pelly from 60 Minutes asked him this question.
In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
You know, you have to stop and count.
I'll have to stop and think about that.
But you need more money.
I don't know how many wars we're even in, but we need more money.
Those are some funny wars.
I know for, oh, those are.
Those are hilarious.
You see, he's really getting a good job.
So do you know how many bases we have in the world?
Nobody really knows.
That's a true story.
No, really?
Not even Leon Panetta.
No one really can say.
Whether it's 900 bases around the world or 1,000 bases or 11,000 bases in foreign lands, what's undeniable is that the United States military maintains an empire of bases so large and shadowy that no one, not even the Pentagon, really knows its full size and scope.
An honest count of U.S. bases abroad, a true, full and comprehensive list, would be a tiny first step in the necessary process of downsizing the global mission.
Okay, this is all true.
And he's making it sound like if you cut money from the military, the military that already spends 10 times more than the rest of the world combined.
I don't know if that's accurate, but I'm using hyperbole here.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
We definitely spend more on military than the next 10 countries combined.
I bet.
So to fight an enemy that isn't out there, we're fighting this stuff with SEAL Team 6 going in and drones.
Do we really need a trillion-dollar budget for the Pentagon?
So here he goes on, even more scared tactics.
It is important in terms of providing stability and peace in the world.
If sequester goes into effect and we have to do the kind of cuts that will go right at readiness, right at maintenance, right at training, we are going to weaken the United States And make it much more difficult for us to respond to the crisis.
Yeah, well, you know, if you can be any more less specific, I think you'd be talking about the weather.
We can't respond to crisis within the United States.
I know.
What are we supposed to do throughout the world?
And it's like they keep saying that we're supposed to have this military presence throughout the world.
I just can't tell you why.
I can't tell you why or where it is or what kind of crisis we would actually need to respond to.
What is he talking about?
A crisis?
We've had crisis all over the place.
We had Egypt.
What did we do?
Nothing.
What did we do in Tunisia?
Nothing.
We're not doing anything in these crises.
We're creating crises.
The only things we do, we go into Afghanistan and Iraq, we create crisis.
Okay.
So here he goes.
He's got a little bit more to say.
But I have to tell you, it is irresponsible for it to happen.
I mean, why in God's name would members of Congress elected by the American people take a step that would badly damage our national defense, but more importantly, undermine the support for our men and women in uniform.
Why would you do that?
I'm going to say because we don't need to spend all that money because we don't have an enemy like we used to.
Maybe that's why.
And maybe you hiding behind the skirts of soldiers is pretty despicable, I will say that.
My point is that anyone who'd vote to cut the Pentagon budget, I guess you'd rather have those brave men and women fight our enemies with rocks and sticks, huh?
Is that what you're saying?
You want to cut the Pentagon?
Yeah, you know what?
You can tell Leon Panetta felt so strongly about this that he managed to stop giggling.
He pulled himself together.
Yeah.
Really?
So he really cares about our men and women in uniform?
And they can't tell you, Steph, how these cuts are going to affect us.
They can't tell you.
They won't tell you specifically.
So all of a sudden, is Russia going to invade us?
Who's going to come after us?
All of a sudden, if we cut the Pentagon.
So here they have the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Chuck Todd asked him a direct question.
But explain specifically.
Sequester, are we less safe?
We will become less safe.
How?
I'll tell you how.
Do you think he's going to tell us how?
Get ready for the answer.
Or maybe I won't.
Do you think he's going to tell us how?
Or you think he's going to obfuscate?
Let's see.
First of all, it's not just sequester.
That's the piece that's been missing in the discussion.
We're also operating under a continuing resolution.
The accumulative, the combined effect.
I'm snoring over here.
That's my snore.
The continuing resolution.
What is he saying?
How is this going?
Well, we are.
The effects of sequester and the continuing resolution creates a magnitude of cut in the last half of the year.
We have to absorb $52 billion when you count the effects of both sequestration and continuing resolution in the last half of the year when some of that money is already committed.
And the only place you can go and get it under that circumstance is readiness, its operations, its maintenance, and its training.
Yeah, so that see, they need that money.
See, he still didn't tell us.
How is it going to be?
We need that money at the end of the year for readiness, operations, maintenance, and of course, the big Christmas party.
Everyone enjoys that.
Yes, everyone enjoys it.
Readiness is crucially important, especially now with women going into combat.
And you know how long it takes them to get ready.
Billions of dollars.
I mean, to cut $52 billion from the Pentagon budget, they'd have to drastically eliminate stupid decisions, which constitutes 89% of their decision.
We cannot afford it.
Chuck, do you have any idea how many bullets they go through every day?
And that's just the accidental shootings of their own guys.
A lot of accidental shootings.
And they don't think that our economy makes us vulnerable to what's happening throughout the world, that if the banks look like they're going to go under again, that that's not going to make our country even more vulnerable.
That's what I say.
So according to this guy, we can never cut the Pentagon.
Even though there's not an enemy out there, even though we spend 10 times what the next 10 countries, no matter what, we can't, even though there isn't, can't cut the, because if we don't spend more money than the rest of the world and Jupiter, we just might all be killed by Al-Qaeda.
Well, there's this, you know, it's like a sacred thing, especially for the right wing, but it's a sacred thing that like we have to spend all the money in the budget that we possibly can.
So if we do get attacked, God forbid, we'll say, well, at least that we tried, we put all the money in it.
But if you cut a billion or if you cut any amount and then we get attacked, well, that's because we cut that billion.
That's the superstition of us.
Yes, that's the superstition.
All right.
You know, if they really cared about the military, that they'd have jobs waiting for them when they would return.
Yes, they don't.
They don't.
They don't.
They don't even have a plan to rebuild the infrastructure that's decaying throughout the United States.
We can't even stop the violence in the United States, if you think about it, much less police the rest of the world.
We can't even stop at one guy with a gun.
Hey, Jimmy, check this out, dog.
I randomly pick out a phone number.
Jeb Dwiggins of Amptyjug, Alabama.
Perfect.
I dial the number.
The phone's ringing.
Good afternoon, Mr. Dwiggins.
This is President Barack Hussein Obama calling with a courtesy reminder that next Tuesday, the government will be doing door-to-door to collect any firearms you may possess.
Why do I want your guns?
Well, as president of the United Illuminati, New World Order, Muslim Brotherhood and States of America, first I'm coming after your guns, then I'm coming after your lazy boy Sofa, your lawnmower, and your collection of Bradford Exchange collectible plates.
That's why I sent death squads into Sandy Hook Elementary.
So, Mr. Dwiggins, we appreciate your cooperation in this process.
And oh, he hung up.
That shit is hilarious.
Jimmy, you should have heard him.
That dumb cracker was going crazy.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face.
Oh, yeah, since I renewed the Patriot Act, I can.
I'll fire up the surveillance satellites next time.
Jimmy, when are you coming up in the whole Fay House?
Let's make plans.
We'll hang up and line up.
HOTUS OUT!
So, look, let's move on to the post office, right?
Because I don't know if you heard the big news that the post office is cutting its Saturday delivery, right?
Well, here, well, let's go to the big news.
Here's what Wolf Blitzer has to say.
After 150 years, the U.S. Postal Service plans a halt to most Saturday mail deliveries.
What it means for you.
I'm guessing it means I won't get mail on Saturday.
That's exactly what it means.
Very good.
Am I close, Wolf?
Am I close?
Is that what it's going to mean?
Both pieces together the evidence.
All right, so then they go on to do their story.
And here's the CNN story explaining what happened to the why they have to cut their Saturday delivery.
Here's the CNN's report.
With more and more people paying bills over the internet and using email instead of snail Mail to keep in touch.
The Postal Service has seen big losses, nearly $16 billion in 2012.
Officials say moving to five-day service will save $2 billion a year.
A 2006 law requiring the service to prepay health care benefits for future retirees has added to the financial strain.
The Postmaster General says Congress needs to help the service solve its money problems.
Okay, so that was pretty much the crux of the report.
And I don't know if you noticed what they glossed over.
So what they did was they made it pretend that the financial problems of the post office are being caused by people using email more now.
But what the real problem is, which they glossed over, the real problem lies in a 2006 bill that was passed in Congress during a lame duck session on a voice vote.
And what was that bill?
That bill mandated that the United States Postal Service pre-fund future retiree health benefits for the next 75 years.
No.
And they had to do so within a decade, an obligation that no other public agency or private company faces.
That's roughly $5.5 billion in annual payments since 2007.
That's $21 billion in total.
And that's the difference between a positive and negative ledger for the post office.
So what they passed in 2006 during a lame duck session after the Republican Congress had just gotten voted out.
They passed this thing on a voice vote, which on a voice vote.
They didn't even vote on it individually, so you can't track how people vote.
They just said I. Votes, voice, vote.
And the vote was that to do what I just said.
So all of a sudden, they go.
And why did they do that?
Where did they think up this scam?
So this scam was made to bankrupt the post office, the post office, which in 2006 was not running a deficit.
The post office paid for itself, ran perfectly.
Everyone enjoyed it.
And what did they want to do?
Let's kill it.
So I thought it was the Republicans who killed it.
I'm like, oh, it's definitely the Republicans.
Well, it was.
But guess who co-sponsored the bill?
Henry Waxman.
Henry Waxman, the Democrat, co-sponsored the bill to do this to the post office.
So all I can think is that Henry Waxman is golf buddies with the head of UPS and FedEx, because that's what this is.
This is about privatizing the mail system.
And that's all about this.
So it was not just the Republicans.
This is the Republicans and the Democrats.
They both did this.
This is what's wrong with government, right?
So the Republicans say government doesn't work.
And to prove it, they took the part of government that works great and pays for itself, doesn't take any tax dollars, and they bankrupted them on purpose.
Wow.
And that would be the part of the story that CNN missed.
That would be the part of the story the Washington Post mixed.
That would be the part of the story the New York Times missed.
That's the part of the story the media missed.
And did you want to say something, Stephen?
Yeah, I just, I think, isn't the Pentagon running in the black?
Oh, no, sure, they're making money.
Yeah, they're not.
Yes, yes.
So, and let's be clear about something, okay?
The post office is a public utility, and it's a public utility for a couple of good reasons.
Think about it this way: roads are a public utility.
What if roads were an entirely private enterprise?
Well, it would probably cost a goddamn fortune to drive any substantial distance.
Furthermore, the roads would only go where it's overtly profitable for them to build a road to go.
Again, look at the cable companies and look how they didn't pay to run fiber optic lines because the poor don't need the internet in order to participate in the economy, right?
And with all public utilities, the post office is, of course, a fascist communist plot against wholesome companies like UPS and FedEx, at least in the sense that it creates price controls for the entire shipping market.
One of the core industries in any functioning economy.
You have to set price controls.
And never mind that without those price controls, FedEx and UPS could hold a gun to the head of the entire nation and ask for any amount of money they would want to send Granny her insulin.
And never mind that the history shows us over and over, that is exactly what they would do.
That's what they would do.
Again, look at your cable bill.
So just keep in mind that what the post office had to do, no other company has ever had to do this.
No government agency has ever, nobody has ever had to do this.
It defies logic and every reasonable financial practice ever.
Can you imagine if the post office had to pay any of its major expenses for the next 30 years in one lump sum ahead of time?
They don't even like to pay their workers full-time benefits as it is.
If they had a prepay, well, I'm pretty sure we'd see the CEO announcing a move to a more slavery-based business model.
Okay?
So this, of course, is one of those policy wonk clauses that the Republicans get into spending bills in order to favor their campaign contributors.
But it wasn't just Republicans.
It was also Democrats.
However, if their actual constituents ever found out what they were doing, they'd all torch them with a pitchfork.
I'm just saying, I've never heard of a congressman at a rally claiming that one of his major accomplishments was to severely cripple something that every normal person relies on.
Hey, we're going to kill the most basic form of communication.
Also, Social Security and Medicare.
Soon your drinking water is going to be a game of Russian roulette.
USA!
USA.
So guess so they told the CNN, actually during their report, they went and they talked to the Postmaster General.
Now, this is one of the most important jobs in the country, a position held by Benjamin Franklin at one time, no less.
So here's the current Postmaster General, Patrick Donahue, Donahoe, and here's what he had to say about what the problem with the United States Postal System is.
This was on CNN.
I would like Congress to do a number of things, resolve health care issues for us, instruct the Postal Service to take their own health care plan, get out of the federal system, refund our federal employee retirement system, and just not say anything and let us move ahead with the six to five day of mail delivery.
Okay, I don't really understand what he just said.
It sounded pretty mealy-mouthed.
He didn't say what the real problem was.
I wonder why he didn't say what the real problem was.
Oh, turns out he did.
But CNN didn't air that part.
Here's what he said that same day.
Now, the $15.9 billion loss, $11.1 billion, was due to the amount that we are obligated to pay the Treasury to pre-fund retiree health benefits.
We had to default on those payments because we did not have the funds.
Okay, so CNN did not air that part.
They didn't air that.
That's true.
They didn't.
Sounds like a conspiracy.
And in case you haven't heard us say it enough, the news media, they really suck at their jobs.
In this instance, they asked the question, hey, why does the post office need to eliminate Saturday delivery?
Then in order to answer that question, they seem to have just guessed and reported that, you know, it's because of the emails.
That's what it's about.
Now, they could have asked the postmaster general, what he thought, seeing as he posted a video of himself explaining this and seems to have he seems to be available for an interview.
They could have gone and found the numbers at the CBO.
They could have called a few economists to pay attention to the postal industry, but all that would have taken time and energy.
And who cares anyway, right?
They were just being efficient.
It's the internet and that's kind of shit.
That's what's bankrupting them.
Explanation complete.
I love the way CNN fails to cover the story responsibly and then shows us this lady almost as an example of the ill-informed American this sort of reporting produces.
They showed this little clip.
Here's a woman, and they asked her, what did she think of it?
They need to make cost-cutting measures.
I mean, they've been running in the deficit for quite a while.
And that's what you get when you listen to CNN and you turn to them for news.
You get a woman like that who has no idea what she's talking about.
Oh, yeah, the post office.
They just must be in deficit because, well, that's what they've been telling me on the news without explaining it to me.
That's CNN.
You know, and of course, nobody thought to correct her or inform her with the information that are at their fingertips.
But that's CNN.
You know, it would be nice if someone would do that, if it inform their viewers.
It would also be nice if CNN had, well, I don't know, say, a foreign bureau.
I look forward to the day when CNN just goes all sports or Spanish language music.
Mr. James Doar, it's Trump here, the Donald.
You know, the reality game show personality who the Republican Party relies on for political and strategic advice.
The man with such a pretty natural understanding of economics that you can count his bankruptcies and failed business ventures on two hands, or at the most, two hands and a foot.
Or as I like to think of myself, the oracle at fucking Delphi on steroids.
If steroids help you, be great at business.
Anyway, the assistant to one of my assistants was listening to your little show the other day when he was supposed to be watching my PowerPoint presentation on how, with just a few million dollars and a comb over, you too can nail an Eastern European pageant runner up with a loose grasp of the English language.
I was about to fire him, which I do by offering my employees their choice of the official apprentice, you fired desktop organizer, or the official apprentice, you fired, foul weather yacht poncho, when he told me that you were saying some disparaging things about me.
Me, Donald Trump.
That's at real Donald Trump on Twitter.
I gotta tell you, Jimmy, you don't want to talk bad about me.
It's well known in the business world that I command a secret police force that finds birth certificates and quietly arranges abortions for the various women I've trumped behind my wife's back.
I think we all saw what they did to Barack Obama.
I mean, sure, he won the election, but you have my personal guarantee that he's not pregnant.
And what's worse, he'll never have his own increasingly unpopular show on NBC or his own line of watches or fragrances available at Sears.
You call that being the most powerful man in the world?
So don't cross me, or so help me, God, you'll be as unsuccessful as two-term President Barack Obama.
And why?
I don't why do you want to go against me anyway, huh?
What you're working for Howie Mandel or something?
I mean, I can make you or I can break you.
Look, look what I did for Gary Busey.
Oh, wait a minute.
I can't remember if I made him or broke him.
No, yeah, no, I gave him my blessing.
And where is he now?
That's right, living indoors.
You want to live indoors, don't you, Jimmy?
Or would you rather live in a box full of your own excrement and glowing reviews of your star turn in the buddy Holly story?
It's a simple choice, Jimmy.
Be nice to me or live in a duty box.
All right, that's all I came to say, except for this.
Remember, tune into The Apprentice on NBC this season to see who's gonna help me with my newest project, a weather machine which I will use to control the fate of the entire planet.
Now, I'm not gonna tell you who I'm gonna hire, but I'll give you one hint: it's not gonna be some lippy broad or a Jew.
But that's just because Joan Rivers stopped returning my calls.
All right, that's been the Trump dump here on Pacifica Radio.
You just got Donalded.
You just got Donalded.
Okay, that's our show.
Did you enjoy it?
I saw that was a fun show to do.
Hey, special thanks to Benzela Vanski for doing the Donald Trump impression, cracking me up.
And thanks to all everybody who helped write today's show: Robert Yasimura, Frank Conniff, Steph Zamarano, Mark Van Landuitt, and Steve Rosenfield.
Oh, boy.
Okay, and Mike McRae, you know Mike McRae, right?
He did the voice of Barack Obama and Chris Christie.
And you can find Mike at mikemcrae.com.
And thanks to the gentleman who donate their time and talent to this show, our good friend Sean James.
If you got a problem with your Macintosh, he'll fix it for you right over the internet like he does for me all the time.
You can reach him at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
He spells Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
And to Don Quixote, huh, for doing our caricature.
Thanks to Don Quixote.
All right, that's it for this week.
▲
Export Selection