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Jan. 26, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20130126_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show__1-25-13
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week in his second inaugural address, President Obama surprised many with his potently liberal rhetoric.
Disappointed Republicans apparently hoped Obama would use this triumphant moment to unconditionally surrender.
Indeed, Obama was criticized for not being more conciliatory with Republicans as he had been in 2009 because that worked out so well.
Some observers found it inexplicable that no longer facing reelection, Obama would restate progressive stands on equality, economic fairness, and market regulation as if that kind of president could or even should still exist.
Particularly unexpected were Obama's references to gay rights.
One could understand a Democrat referencing equal pay for women, but should a president really be that comfortable with homosexuality right there on the steps of the Capitol.
Republicans were even offended that Obama didn't say more about the debt since it's the only thing they ever talk about now.
Instead, Obama arrogantly promised to protect our most vulnerable citizens from people like them.
The president even mentioned climate change and voting rights, thumbing his nose at those who still don't believe in either one.
Almost universally accepted in the media's coverage is the idea that regardless of what he might have said, Obama only has about a year and a half to get anything done.
After that, the midterm elections, followed by the next presidential campaign, will render him obsolete.
And he was inaugurated on Monday.
So why do we bother?
Didn't it cost at least $2 billion to decide who would be making that inaugural address?
It starts to feel like we've been had.
Maybe it's not about governing at all.
Maybe it's about just keeping the machinery going and entertaining us.
But it's probably mostly about the $2 billion.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
Help Mintz maybe on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's our farmer, T. And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Jimmy Dore Show.
I am joined on this phone from New York City from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
All right.
Thanks for joining.
Thanks for taking time out of your busy television productions studio day to join us here on public radio.
Across the glass from me, it's a former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy.
I liked your rant, Steve.
Thank you.
It's very nice to be here.
Next to him, from Team Yasamura, hilarious Japanese comedian Robert Yasimura.
Hi, Japanese comedian, Robert.
How are you?
Across the table from him, it's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hey, man.
How you doing?
My dad used to bomb Japanese.
So that brings us together.
The Japanese person that bombed.
Napalm.
It wasn't really bomb.
It was just kind of incendiary bombs.
Bang Nagasaki out there.
Jim Earl, award-winning writer, Emmy Award, and Peabody Award-winning writer.
Yeah, I wrote for the Daily Show, too.
Yes, I know that.
I know.
I like to double up on credits.
Hey, I just didn't want an Emmy.
And I could have had one.
I just didn't want one.
Oh, I know.
We all could have had.
So, and our resident Latina is not here.
She's taking our dog to the vet.
He's getting old.
He's got little kidneys are going, so he's got to take him in.
He's old.
So let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, you ever feel, Frank, you ever feel like you're the only person in the whole world with a problem?
Yes, and my AOL isn't working, so in this case, that's true.
That's right.
So they finally got to the American Benghazi, the Benghazi hearings with Hillary Clinton were today.
And, you know, American Benghazi victims are the, they're in a very exclusive club, you guys.
The club called People Killed Overseas that Republicans give a shit about.
That's right.
And Inauguration Day this week, Inauguration Day.
Frank, the music they played there.
Inauguration Day's got to be like wood stock for John Philip Souza fans, right?
It is.
And also, they played the Battle Hymn of the Republic, which was the stairway to heaven of the Civil War era.
And we got some TV news in honor of Martin Luther King.
ABC's this week welcomed Rick Santorum to the program, who now writes for the racist birther website WorldNet Daily.
Nice.
Very nice, ABC.
I wish that was a joke, but it's true.
No, that's yeah, that's.
No, I'm laughing at the reality.
That's absolutely true.
And Condoleezza Rice, keeping with our theme, she joined CBS News as a contributor, and that's like her little reward for being contributor to the worst U.S. foreign policy ever.
It was well worth the wait.
Hey, Gut Appreciation Day was also last week.
It was right before Martin Luther King Day.
How apropos.
How did he die again?
Anyway, it's the first annual Gut Appreciation Day, Frank.
Did you observe it?
No, I stayed indoors because it was also the first annual douchebag avoidance day.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to check in in the Oh My God segment with the fifth-ranking Republican and to see what he has to say about the poor in the House.
We're also going to talk about Ted Cruz.
You know, he's the Tea Party Cuban senator from Texas that the Republicans are hanging their future on.
He's sat down with David Gregory.
Let's see who's dumber.
Also, they already have commercials out about how liberal Barack Obama is.
We're going to check in with the right wing's reaction to the inaugural address.
Plus, Lance Armstrong sat down with Oprah Winifre last week and talked about his being a lying, cheating piece of and who also helped a lot of people with cancer.
Two sides to everybody.
Two sides to everybody.
You know, you know, Jimmy, Martin Luther King had a dream.
And we've got the cream.
Cream soda, that is.
New Martin Luther King cream soda.
Free at last, free at last.
Buy two now.
Get one.
Free at last.
Now with a big frothy head, just to like his namesake.
Martin Luther King creeps up.
All right, that is Jim Earl.
And plus, we're going to have phone calls today from Bill O'Reilly called in drunk.
Oh.
And Lance Armstrong talked to us on the phone.
That's coming up and a lot, lot more on today's Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
No, I don't know if you've ever been to a real town hall type meeting.
It's not the political theater we see on TV, but the real stuff Where anyone who wants to ask a question can, regardless of, you know, their amount of sanity, right?
So, you know, like, Jimmy, does the flappers open my town as a town hall?
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does, Frank.
Okay.
And, you know, because everybody gets a voice at these town halls.
I've been to them.
Even the weird hippie lady who does gypsy dances out in front, she gets to come in and have her say on zoning issues.
Okay.
It's like a college seminar course with eight-year-old children who don't read the material.
That's what it's kind of like, okay?
So listen, at every one of these community meetings, there's at least one person with a single passionate issue, right?
And they bring this issue to the forum every time they get together, and people have to listen.
It's like the person who thinks circumcision is destroying the world or fluoride in the drinking water is a plot to control us all.
You get the idea, right?
So here's this lady at this town hall, and it's a town hall with Oklahoma Congressman Jason Lankford.
Jason Lankford, okay?
So it's time to play Muddy the Waters with your host, Oklahoma Congressman Jason Lankford.
Today's Jason's guest will be a town hall full of idiots who voted for him.
First up, a lady who finds out facts from the radio and then fails to put any sort of context or proportion to them.
And here we go.
My question is regarding the guns.
And is Washington at all aware of the psychotropic drugs that these children are taking?
Because I guarantee it, 100%.
That's our big problem.
She guarantees it.
She guarantees it because there's nothing more.
What did she say?
She says that her question is regarding the guns.
And she says, is Washington at all aware of the psychotropic drugs that these children are taking?
I guarantee it's 100% that's our big problem.
I guarantee it 100%.
That's our big problem.
Yeah, the psychiatric culture is over-medicating our kids and not letting them realize their potential to join the Marines.
I like how she said, is Washington aware of the psychotropic?
Is Washington also, do they know about this internet thing that the kids are on?
This lady is willing to guarantee 100% that's our big problem.
Well, I'm willing to guarantee 100%.
She's about one bad choice away from being a hoarder.
I screwed up that joke and it still worked a little.
Fix it, fix it later.
That's a good job.
She already is a hoarder, maybe.
Yeah, she sounds like it.
So now, go ahead.
She's hoarding crazy.
So now the polite response to that might be, hey, thanks for that, but that's not exactly what we're talking about here, right?
And inappropriate.
Thanks for playing.
Here's the home game.
A luggage.
But that's not what he says.
We're talking about Jason Lanford here, the fifth-ranking Republican in the House, who, on the other hand, found the third response possible.
Here's his response to her.
Right.
I agree with that.
I think there's a bunch of issues that, quite frankly, most liberals are afraid to talk about.
Where are we on all the violent movies?
Where are we on all the violent video games?
Where are we as a culture?
We have disconnected from a lot of those things.
Where are we on all these psychiatric drugs?
And we've over-medicated kids.
Quite frankly, some of the over-medication of those kids are because welfare moms want to get additional benefits, and if they can put them on SSI through maintenance drugs, they can also put them on Social Security Disability, and they get a separate check.
That is wrong on every single level.
It not only is fraudulent to the government, but it tells a kid with great potential, don't try, you're disabled.
Wow.
And so we got to fix that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did not see.
I got to say, I did not see that coming.
But he blames the poor people.
Yeah, if we really want to get to the source of this gun problem, we need to find a group of people we already hate and call them the source of the problem.
So it's pretty easy to do.
Welfare moms.
It sounds like they're basing their whole worldview on a 1978 after-school special with Scott Bay out.
And the guy, you know what, though, I got to say, this congressman did show off his improv skills because, like a true improviser, he agreed with her with the suggestion and added his own crazy bullshit on top of it.
It's like a second city class at his town hall meeting.
And I mean, he takes.
The whole philosophy of Republicans is hate, yes, and.
Well, he takes one little crazy idea and he blows it up into a full-blown conspiracy theory about liberal welfare mothers.
So I just want to tell everybody, listen, learn from the master.
He took a little suggestion from the audience and he created a whole one-act play out of it.
Did I mention he's the fifth-ranking member of the House Republican?
And that's got to be some kind of right-wing unassisted triple play he just pulled off here.
He goes from a faulty premise, then use it to vilify liberal social programs, poor people, and then pretend there's a vast culture of dependence.
Bingo.
And then Hollywood movies, which is really unforgivable.
Yes.
Actually, the best thing is at the end, you hear him go, and that's wrong.
And I think what he's actually saying is, everything I just said is wrong.
And that's wrong?
Yes, it is, in fact, wrong.
Well, it's interesting that Republicans really care about mental health now.
That's what they're because they, yeah, the only time they care about mental health is when their guns are threatened.
Yeah.
Remember, you know, Reagan was the guy who basically shut down tons of mental health facilities like around the country.
Yes.
Yes, that's exactly right.
Republicans are the first people to say like, ah, it's all in your head.
It's not real.
Which is weird because Reagan got shot.
You'd think he's just black people.
By a crazy person.
By a legitimate crazy person.
Oh, wow.
I never put that together.
He defunded the mental hospitals.
He got shot by a mental patient.
Then he went crazy.
And then he went, what the hey?
So it all worked out.
So on a positive note, I would point out that the end result was Jodi Foster was genuinely impressed.
If he hadn't gone to prison, she would have gone out on a date with him.
Quite frankly, some of the over-medication of those kids are because welfare moms want to get additional benefits, and if they can put them on SSI through maintenance drugs, they can also put them on Social Security Disability and they get a separate check.
Oh, my God.
I knew it was.
Hey, yeah, you see, it's not the 300 million guns in America that's causing the gun violence, Frank.
It's giving people free health care.
And also, I might point out that, you know, affluent people, their kids are never on any kind of drugs.
Never.
Yeah, yeah.
It's only the welfare kids on the psychotropic drugs.
If you go to the suburbs, they're all clean as a whistle.
High on life.
Yeah.
They're always dumping on welfare moms.
What about the welfare aunts and uncles out there just sponging off the system?
Welfare daughters.
Welfare daughters, cousins.
I really resent when people say psychotropic Drugs when they're referring to like actual medication.
Yeah.
Because psychotropic always sounds like they're talking about like these trippy, wild drugs.
Psychotropic.
Oh, the doctor just gave you some great psychotropics.
Let's drop some and like listen to the Almond brothers.
Yeah.
No, in reality, he's going to give me an effect that's going to give me a headache and a stomachache for two weeks just so I can feel almost normal in a month.
Right.
Almost normal in a month.
These aren't a difference.
This isn't a mushroom or an acid trip.
This isn't even pot.
This is not, this is, this is something that's just going to keep you alive.
Right.
These are not happy pills.
These are don't jump out the window pills at best.
But the colonic leakage is worth it.
I've heard a lot about that.
The inability to ejaculate is the best part.
You're hearing it now.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Hey!
Hey, by the way, I got a phone call from Bill O'Reilly.
Lovely.
Jimmy Door.
Are you there?
For a couple years, you get that jolt splip out of your ass, you cabbage-crunching recovery hippie with fake gluten allergies.
It's me, Bill O'Reilly, O'Keeffe, Carl and Tamagold, McDermott, Gallagher, and Shane off the Lisbon barn over the cliffs of Moore near the Bonnie Island Wousey, you dumb punk.
Well, that was a quick call.
He was in and he was out.
Wow.
What the heck is that about?
That was a quick call.
I wish his talking points memos were that short.
Yeah, he called me back.
Let's see.
We got a couple here.
Let's see what this one is.
Jimmy, did I just broad dial you?
My bad, dickhead.
I respect you.
Well, you know why I'm calling you?
If you get the chance, please tell me, because I just forgot.
Ha!
I'm out.
you All right, so Senator Ted Cruz is the, he's a Cuban, right?
So he's Cuban.
His parents were born from Cuba.
Somehow they lived in Canada, right?
And his dad worked for whatever.
Is he related to Pablo?
Pablo Cruz?
It was a band in the 70s?
I don't think so.
So he's the big new right-wing because he's ethnic, he's Cuban, but he looks just like the old Senator McCarthy.
He looks just like that guy.
Have you ever seen?
Just think of him.
He does.
And it looks exactly like Ted Cruz.
Plus, he's also full of crap.
And he couldn't be more full of crap.
So here he is.
They asked Ted Cruz, you know, we all saw the NRA commercial where they talked about, it was aimed at Barack Obama's kids.
We talked about that last week.
We all know about commercial, right?
So they show it to Ted Cruz, and they ask him if it's over the line.
And here's his response from David Gregory.
I might have to turn this up.
It might not be loud enough.
Look, I'm going to let people decide to run what ads they want.
I do think that was his.
You want to hear his response again?
Here, let's hear his response.
Over the line, is it Ted Cruz?
Look, I'm going to let people decide to run what ads they want.
There you go.
Wow.
That's discerning.
That is a profile and courage, ladies and gentlemen, right there.
Look at him standing up to the craziness of the NRA.
He should have just said, look, I'm going to dodge the question.
Like, just said it in the exact same intonation.
It would have been the same result.
He should have said, look, you're David Gregory, so I know it's okay if I dodge this question.
Yes.
But what he did do, you know what does outrage him?
Not the NRA ad where they break a protocol and mentioning a politician's children, let alone the presidents.
By the way, the most threatened president in the history of America, right?
They have more death threats towards him than anybody.
So here's, but here is what upsets Ted Cruz.
What I don't think is constructive is what the president is doing right now, which is within minutes of that horrible tragedy in Newtown, the president began trying to exploit tragedy to push a gun control agenda.
God!
Yes, leave it to Obama to use the massacre of school children as an excuse to do something to try and prevent the massacre of school children.
That monster.
That son of a bitch.
Immediately, immediately he tried to do something.
Immediately he tried to exploit it.
Can't wait a decent interval of a few years.
I hate it when something awful happens and then the president immediately tries to do something about it.
Oh, I'm 100% with you, Frank.
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
The president responded.
So here we are, we're going to talk about David Gregory spits in his face now, right?
No, David.
Oh, he doesn't.
In fact, David Gregory just moved on to the next point.
He let him say that.
So he spit in our face.
Yeah.
Well, here we are talking a week.
So he asked them about the gun show loophole.
So this is all about trying to get Ted Cruz to agree to some sensible gun regulation, which, by the way, he never does in this interview.
Never agrees to it.
And when I say sensible gun legislation, I mean banning assault weapons, having background checks for everybody, closing the gun show loophole, and we'll have a smaller magazine capacity.
Let me just explain what the gun show loophole is, right?
So whenever a licensed dealer sells a gun to a customer, they have to do a background check.
But if you're just like, if I wanted to sell a gun to my brother or to you or my friend, I don't have to do a background check and I don't have to register or nothing.
I just said, I just sell it to him.
That reminds me.
Do you have a gun to sell?
But what happens at these gun shows.
Answer him.
Is that they, this is my rifle, this is my gun.
This is for fighting.
This is for fun.
Oh, man.
So a lot of blanks.
So what happened?
So what happens is that these gun shows, it turns out 40% of all guns that are sold are sold at gun shows by technically a private person to another private person, but they're not really.
Okay, so that's the big loophole that people think should be closed, right?
So they asked Ted, so she asked Ted Cruz about that.
But there is still a loophole that a lot of people would like to correct.
You know, there actually isn't the so-called gun show loophole.
That doesn't exist.
Okay.
Well, there you have it.
And there's no war on women, and the moon is a hologram.
And if you close your eyes real tight and real hard and pray really extra hard, the president is white again.
Could you please...
It's called the really awesome thing that happens at gun show.
Could you play the real pointed follow-up question?
Oh, again, he moved right on.
Oh.
Oh, really?
He moved right.
Well, but did you follow what he did there?
Because, well, here, I'll give you.
Here's his.
Well, he gives an explanation.
Any licensed firearm dealer who sells at a gun show has to have a background check.
It's a requirement that applies to every licensed firearm dealer.
What it doesn't apply to is personal sales one-on-one.
And that's true whether it's at a gun show or a center show.
Okay, so he, and then look, watch how he moves on.
Is this the most likely?
So he just moves right on.
So, but let me just put this.
So did you follow what he said there?
Because personal gun sales go on at places other than gun shows too.
It's not a gun show loophole.
It's in a personal sales loophole, which is an even bigger hole than the one in Ted's logic.
It's huge.
Yeah.
So that's what he's trying to push on us.
Where does David Gregory buyer on this?
All right, so here, here's how he's watch.
I'll play the end of his answer again and watch how David Gregory steps all over him about the gun show loophole.
But it doesn't apply to is personal sales one-on-one.
And that's true, whether it's at a gun show or Senator Schumer.
Is this the most likely area of agreement, a universal background check?
He just said that he didn't agree with it.
David, he just goes, is this where we have universal agreement?
Did you hear what David?
So he doesn't challenge him.
It's like he's not even listening to what Ted Cruz just said.
Ted Cruz just said there isn't a problem.
So the biggest problem is the gun show loophole.
Ted Cruz says that's not a problem.
David Gregory says.
Senator Schumer, is this the most likely area of agreement, a universal background check, even more than assault weapons banner magazine might say?
He just said that he doesn't agree with you.
Hey, it's called meet the press, not answer the press.
Jimmy, I actually saw David Gregory's contract here in New York.
And when he hosts Beat the Press, it's actually considered a vacation day.
But here's the real problem.
Okay, you want to hear what the real problem is?
Ted Cruz, it's not gun shows.
It's not here.
I do think there is a fundamental point here, and there is a point of hypocrisy when it comes to gun control.
You mean that you guys consider yourself be family values and you're sticking up for families, but you don't care about guns that kill 30,000 people?
Like, you're willing to have us all take our shoes off at the airport because terrorists might kill somebody, but 30,000 handgun deaths a year, nobody cares about it.
Okay, is that the hypocrisy you're talking about?
That many of the proponents of gun control are very wealthy, live in communities where they can outsource police protection.
But you have a lot of people that are worried about preserving the safety of their own home.
If you're talking to a single woman living in Anacostia who has the misfortune to live next to a crack house, to tell her she doesn't have a constitutional right to keep and bear arms, I think it's fundamentally citizens.
Okay, so there you have it.
So there you have it.
So Ted Cruz, he's not being a mouthpiece for gun manufacturers trying to make profit off of people's death.
He's sticking up for the inner city black lady.
That's what this is all about.
If you want to ban guns, you're a elite liberal and you don't care about poor people.
You're a racist.
Show up jumping Anacostia.
He knows obviously what's going to help the inner city is more guns.
Oh, and by the way, Ted Cruz is cutting every safety net he can get his hands on.
Right.
How about supporting some programs that might help get rid of that crack house so the neighborhood isn't so violent?
Let's look at some of the responses to Barack Obama's inaugural address.
Well, first of all, Karl Rove, Super PAC, already put together a commercial.
And here's the start GPS.
Yes, here's the commercial they put together.
Summer calling the president's address the most liberal, he's delivered.
I think the most liberal speech Barack Obama has ever given.
Much more radical than the speech he gave four years ago.
He doesn't have the time for re-election again.
This is clearly a president who is not running for re-election.
Unapologetically liberal.
Wow.
But is he liberal?
That's my question.
You've all been warned with Obama not facing re-election again.
He may resort to making people's lives better.
Get warned.
Get ready for it.
You've been warned.
It's as if Obama's re-election made him think he's really president or something.
Yeah, and you know, hey, citizens, you know those policies that you like and that you want to have people don't like them because they're liberal.
Yes, right.
And you know what makes Obama so dangerous, Frank, is that most of the public agrees with him.
So here's Paul Showtime.
Here's what Paul Ryan has to say.
Paul Ryan almost has to say the same thing.
So I get it.
They have to come up with something, right?
They can't just be, they just can't go, yeah, it was a pretty good speech, and the guy's got a lot of reasonable ideas.
So here's what Paul Ryan said.
The president is a proud and confident, you know, liberal progressive.
He invokes the Constitution and the Declaration at times, which are something that everybody likes to hear, especially conservatives.
Yeah, that's right.
That's a tactic he stole from us.
To wrap yourself in the Constitution, you son of a...
And, you know, it's just, it doesn't surprise me that he did that because he's basically saying I'm a liberal and I'm going to govern as a liberal and I won and so there.
Wow, it sounds about right.
It's so there.
Obama's taking his massive victory and rubbing in our faces, unlike George Bush, who lost the popular vote but had the decency to rub it in people's faces anyway.
Remember?
I especially was moved at the part of Obama's inauguration speech when he said, and dancing around the podium like that.
It was disgraceful.
Is this not the same Barack Obama who wanted to negotiate with them in 2009?
This Obama is confident, ideological, and something that rhymes with fuppity.
Yeah.
I bet Paul Ryan took it a lot better when George Bush got re-elected, and he said that he now had political capital and was going to spend it.
Remember that was okay.
That's okay.
That's okay.
That wasn't arrogant or something.
And I'm glad that he that Obama doesn't have, well, it's too bad Obama doesn't have mainstream views like Ayan Rand.
Yes.
Well, here's what.
And there's nothing surprising in that speech.
By the way, okay, so let's just think.
I saw Barack Obama's speech.
A lot of people are talking about his amazing defense of liberalism.
I barely saw it.
You know, I really, I'm just not as excited about that speech as other people are.
What would be nice if he stood up and said, oh, by the way, we're going to straighten out the economy and fix this income inequality.
And we're going to strengthen workers' rights in this country.
And what made our economy great in the first place?
We're going to get back to that.
But he didn't say any of that stuff.
He did not say a single thing that was surprising.
That would have been signaled.
Not a thing in there that was not already well signaled and advanced.
Hey, everybody who came out last night in Seattle.
Thanks for coming out.
What a great time.
Great show.
I'm going to do its shows tonight and Saturday night.
That's Gen 24 and 2526.
But right now, it's time for me to let you know that the Jimmy Door show is made possible by decent people like yourself who help support the show.
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All right, let's get back to the second half of the show.
We got some great stuff coming up.
Bill O'Reilly calls in drunk a couple of times.
And Lance Armstrong, oh boy, he calls in.
We have a conversation.
Right now, we're going to come back to the studio with Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, and Frank Coniff.
And we're talking about Barack Obama's inauguration speech and what we thought of it.
Did you guys all see it?
Did you listen?
I think most people.
I thought it was.
I agreed.
I mean, I thought it was just a very mainstream kind of tilting liberal kind of speech.
But not a progressive fire.
The way it's portrayed, I think it was portrayed that way by the Belway Press is because they're so conservative that, you know, everything is so right-wing with these people that Obama liked to portray him as a radical, but it was a very mainstream agenda he was putting forward.
Yeah, I think people were shocked that he wasn't to the right of Nixon this time.
Yeah.
He was just kind of with Nixon.
Yeah.
This time.
And you know, he mentioned Stonewall, which is in my neighborhood.
I live right across the street from it.
So I was very disappointed that he didn't also mention Christides.
Right under my building.
Yeah.
I was shocked.
I was shocked you didn't mention the two potato bar in the manhole.
All those places got scuttered.
Oh, the shaft.
So here's Bill O'Reilly.
Here's his response to the inaugural address.
Using his favorite talk.
And then focusing on America's vexing problems like an exploding debt and a weak economy.
Mr. Obama put forth that the nation's top priority must be imposing social justice.
So it is quite clear that the president is willing to go down in history as a crusader for social justice, no matter what happens to the economic fabric of the country.
See, Obama doesn't get that.
In America, social justice isn't something that's just handed to you.
You have to make enough money to pay for it yourself.
Exactly.
Obama doesn't realize we'll never have social justice as long as hardworking taxpayers have to support unemployed hip-hop singers.
It's not right.
Why would Obama want to squander his presidency on human rights when he could think big and be the guy who ended Medicare?
Yes, and Bill O'Reilly was very upset.
And everyone at Fox, he didn't talk about the deficit because at Fox, they're very concerned about fiscal responsibility, which is why back in the 90s, I remember when you put on Fox, all they would do was praise Bill Clinton.
He sang his praises constantly because he balanced the budget and there wasn't a deficit.
You're making a sarcastic point, I'm pretty sure, folks.
Frank.
Yes.
Exactly.
Well, you know, the problem is Obama wants the government to reward people for having nothing instead of a government that doesn't give people anything unless they already have everything.
That's the way the system works.
That was like a little Willy Wonka word puzzle there.
That was nice.
Okay, Bill O'Reilly's been calling me drunk.
He forgot what he wanted to talk about the first two times.
Here's his third call at C3 members.
Oh, yeah, now I remember.
Did you watch the 57th inauguration ceremony this week?
Aside from Obama ignoring vexing problems like an exploding debt and you're in the dial syndrome, I'm all in favor of stem cell research for that FYI.
I was deeply offended by Michelle Obama's behavior yesterday's inegroation ceremony.
And by the way, Obama is not an Irish name.
I mean, can you imagine the name sounding that stupid being Irish?
Like I was swaying.
You thought I said swaying.
Well, I did.
Anywho, I and the rest of the moronic egg laying mudhaught inhabiting Neanderthals of this country were deeply offended by Michelle Obama's eye-rolling, head-bobbing, sassy mama jamming in response to John Boehner asking her a simple, civil question.
According to my lip reading, that question was worth bombarded with high-energy gamma-ray particles in the year 774.
Well, hell yeah.
Jesus, this directions have been going on for at least eight hours.
Mario, call the doctor again.
He called back one more time.
Just a heads up for you, Pally boy.
I do not have low test or strong like you.
I've got high key, not low T. Everyone in my family had high key.
Allow me, if you will, to make an appointment in an enjoyable recollection of past events.
My dear old dad, Fred McGillicarty McDowell Ash Farm on the Nell Bell once slapped me on the cheeks for 12 hours straight with his leathery penis.
What a Thanksgiving.
What's the moral of that story?
I took it.
Look at me now, you wheatgrass farting lance Armstrong.
I am a man.
And one other thing: try to keep your clothes sheen.
I mean, try to keep your show clean, will you?
She crest out.
He's had a couple of pops.
Lance Armstrong, friend of the show, friend of the show, went on the went on Oprah Winnifrees show.
And here's what, let's just play the first clip.
Because it gives you, he's developed this BS line about why he did what he did.
Now, she talks about USADA coming up in this clip.
Usada is the U.S. anti-doping agency.
What was your reaction then when you learned that USATA was going to pick up the case and pursue their own investigation of you?
Great question.
My reaction was the same that it always had been.
You know, come Coming in on my territory.
I'm going to fight back.
That's how he reacted.
That's how he reacted when they decided to investigate him for crimes he actually committed.
He decided to fight back.
Fight back as if he was being persecuted somehow instead of someone actually decided to fight back.
That's his maim now, is that his whole mindset was someone comes at me, I fight back.
Here, we got a little bit, let's see what this is.
Oprah, I'd do anything.
Okay, so she asks him.
By the way, he looked under his seat just then and found a VCR.
Free gift.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because it's Oprah.
That's the thing.
Everybody got steroids that day.
He looked at.
He got steroids and you get steroids.
You get a fat head and you get a fat head.
Can I play devil's advocate here?
Yeah.
What?
I mean, really, if you're going to because steroids really help that much, they must.
I mean, these guys are really, really good.
Well, he did more than steroids.
If we just injected ourselves in the ass with a bunch of steroids, not that I have, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to do that.
You know, I wouldn't be able to come close.
I mean, most people would be incredible champions.
Right.
So he was already a top athlete.
So this is what gave him the extra edge, right?
So he's doping.
But it wasn't just steroids.
But aren't they all doing it?
Well, that's the thing.
I think they are.
So if they're all doing it, they're kind of like on an equal level.
He really is the winner then.
And that is what Lance, that's kind of his defense is that, you know, hey, everybody was doing it, so I had to do it.
And that's, you know, Greg Lamond didn't do it, and he was the guy who won it before him.
He was the American who won it, and he didn't dope.
And I don't, you know, let's just hear what he has to say.
Oprah, I'd do anything.
I'd do anything to go back to that day.
Why?
Because I wouldn't fight.
I wouldn't sue him.
I'd listen.
So if he could go back to that day when they decided to investigate him, Yusada, he said he would, if he could, he would do it all different.
He wouldn't fight.
He wouldn't sue him, and he would listen.
But guess what he did do?
He fought him.
He sued them, and he didn't listen.
Now he says he would do the here.
He goes on.
I'll do a couple things first.
Here's what he did.
He said, guys.
Granted, I was, cannot deny I was treated differently than the other guys.
That's okay.
I was bigger.
I won more races, et cetera.
But I was treated differently.
So he goes, that's okay.
I was treated differently than the other guys.
That's okay.
First of all, it's not okay, or else you wouldn't have brought it up.
You brought it up.
He goes, I get it.
I was more successful.
I was a bigger name.
Yeah, because you were cheating more and you were winning more races, probably.
Okay.
Yeah.
So he tries to bring it up like he's okay with.
Of course it's okay because he won.
Treated differently.
How?
Treated differently in the sense that I wasn't approached at the same time as the other riders.
And there were lots of writers that were approached.
How?
To they approached them and asked them to come in and talk about the culture of cycling and what they did or didn't do.
And of course, with that, they were going to be penalized.
They gathered all of the subpoenas, the affidavits, and the evidence.
26 people, including 11 of your former teammates, testified.
Right.
And they came to me and said, okay, what are you going to do?
And what he decided to do was fight, sue them, and not listen.
Okay, so, but this is what he wishes he would have done.
To go back to that moment, I would say, guys, give me three days.
I'm going to call.
Again, this is in hindsight.
I wish I could go do it, but I can't.
Let me call some people.
Let me call my family.
I'm going to call my mother.
I'm going to call my sponsors.
I'm going to call my foundation and tell them what I'm going to do.
I'll be right there.
I wish I could do that.
But I can't.
Okay, wow.
So he wishes he could be a time traveler and go back to when he screwed up and not do that stuff.
Hey, join the club.
But did you hear how he said it really sincerely?
He's got enough money to get a time machine.
That's right.
$125 million.
He says it as if this is somehow making everything okay.
Hey, if I could go back and make this right, I would.
But I can't.
Oh, I've got to keep the money.
I guess you're just a victim.
You know, I'm an actual devil's advocate on this.
This is the only decent thing this guy has ever done.
What's the only decent thing?
That he's saying, like, he's copping to it.
He's not.
He's copying to it.
The cancer.
You know, he got cancer.
Oh, okay.
That's fair.
You mean he's copying to it after they caught him?
Right.
Like, I think the.
He fought it all the way till he couldn't fight it anywhere.
Right.
So he's like, he lost everything.
Yeah.
He lost everything.
So he's not.
So he's not.
I can't give him any credit.
He did.
If he would have came out six years ago and said I was doing this, that would have been one thing.
But after they investigate him, they subpoena 26 people.
They're all on record as saying he took dope.
They were on his same team.
His masseuse said so.
So I can't give him any credit for that.
No, I but you agree.
But you are.
Here's why I'm giving him credit is because it would have been, he could have just, you know, sort of slunk away and hoped that for that history forgot him.
But, you know, he came on and said, yes, I did these things.
He's barely saying he did.
No, I'm not saying this is crappy.
This is one of the worst maya couples I've ever seen, Robert.
He's saying, I was, I was, you're attacking me.
I'm going to attack back.
They weren't attacking you.
They were just trying to find the truth out about your lies.
They weren't attacking you.
He was acting like he was being persecuted somehow.
You weren't being persecuted.
People were just trying to get to the truth of what was happening.
And if you didn't have a big lie to hide, you wouldn't care if they were investigating you.
I don't really hear remorse there.
No, there's no right attitude.
I hear I'm the champ and they were on my territory.
Yeah, yeah, I would have done things differently.
But it's very, it's very casual, I think.
Exactly.
So he smeared a lot of people to keep this lie, right?
He smeared a lot of people.
And one of them was the masseuse for the team, right?
Because she, when she was asked by investigators, she told the truth.
And so he did it.
He called her names, called her crazy, called her a whore, called her, said she was a prostitute.
She is.
Yeah.
Wow.
So a prostitute is a whore.
O'Reilly, you actually, I watched the tape several times, sort of under your breath, but you implied the whore word.
You used the whore word.
How do you feel about that today?
Not good.
You know what proud is?
The opposite.
Not good.
You know, he didn't say sorry.
He doesn't say I feel sorry about it.
I feel horrible about it.
I'm not good because it reflects badly on me and I got caught.
And that's what this is.
This is a guy with classic narcissistic personality disorder, if not worse.
If not a sociopath.
He's got more to say.
You were just trying to put her down or were you trying to shut her up?
What were you?
No, no.
No, no, I wasn't trying to shut her.
I just wanted to call her a whore for fun.
I was just on the attack, Oprah.
Yeah, that's just what it did.
Territory being threatened.
Team being threatened.
Reputation being threatened.
I'm going to attack.
So you're a caveman.
Yeah.
Like, I get threat.
I lash out.
Yes.
He doesn't put any moral, he doesn't attach any morality to any of those actions.
Hey, someone's telling the truth about you.
That's moral.
No, that's an attack.
I attack back.
It's all...
He's emotionally detached from all these confessions.
Yeah.
Detached.
Yeah.
Now, as if he's talking about somebody else.
Someone's a classic sociopathic.
Classic.
Someone's attacking my reputation.
I attack back.
They're not attacking your reputation.
They're exposing you.
That's different.
They're telling the truth when someone asks them a question.
So she is the same kind of thing.
There was another woman he called, this is the woman he called crazy.
Characterized her as crazy, called her other horrible things.
Well, and I clarified something.
I did call her crazy.
You did.
I did.
I did.
That's it.
He just, I did call her crazy.
He doesn't go, wow, that was horrible of me.
I feel badly.
He just goes, I did.
She goes, you did.
Yeah, I did.
That's it.
If you were to go back and look at all the tapes and things that you've said over the years about Let's Okay, Noette and I and I I think she'd be okay with me saying this, but I'm gonna take the liberty to say it.
And I said, listen, I called you crazy.
I called you a bitch.
I called you all these things.
But I never called you fat.
What?
He's trying.
I think he's trying to make a joke here, and he's trying to make it to the wrong person.
He's making it to Oprah.
Wow.
He thought he was going to say, I'm sorry.
No, he doesn't.
Not even close.
I'm not going to give you this money for slander.
He says it again.
That's one of the things she thought.
I said you were fat, crazy bitch.
I never said you were fat.
Whoa, that's a great joke.
That's a great joke.
False flat.
And wrong room.
Falls flat.
Just wrong room.
Good joke, wrong room.
Wow.
On the plus side for him, you know, Oprah's recommending his new book in her book club.
He's just not that into steroids.
And you know, I don't care about bike racing.
I'm not a fan of it.
None of us do.
I couldn't care.
But he's one of those athletes that transcends the sport.
He's like, you don't have to watch hockey to know who Gretzky is.
You don't have to watch basketball to know who Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan is.
You know what I mean?
You don't have to be a baseball fan to know who Babe Ruth is, right?
These people all transcend the game.
And I think he became bigger than cycling.
Well, to be fair, you don't have to know a lot about steroids to know who this guy is.
Right.
And he's transcended the drug.
Yes, he has.
He still will never be bigger than that unicycle.
I thought it would have been great if in the second half of the interview that Oprah started confessing her use of performance-enhancing drugs.
He just turned it around on her and said, So is there anything you want to do?
Come on.
Anything you want to talk about?
I mean, we've seen you.
You had the number one daytime show for 12 years.
You sure you weren't juicing?
Performance-enhancing donuts.
Am I right, people?
It's just say on.
Okay, so we got Lance Armstrong, the man himself, on the phone.
Hi, Lance.
How are you doing, buddy?
Hey, Jimmy.
I just want everybody to know that if I could do this over and do it differently, I certainly would.
Okay, you would, really?
Certainly.
Now that I'm caught, I wish I had never done any of it.
And that's the God's honest truth.
And I say that with all sincerity.
But Lance, you doped for years.
You don't.
Are you an alcoholic, Jimmy?
What do you mean?
Are you a gay prostitute bitch, Jimmy?
You're an alcoholic whore, aren't you?
Lance, get a hold of yourself.
What are you talking about?
Sorry, I just...
That just makes sense, right?
No, that doesn't make any sense, Lance.
Just fighting back, protecting my territory.
Lance, I'm just bringing up facts from the case that are common knowledge, buddy.
Are you a terrorist, Jimmy?
Or a gay Muslim?
Are you an alcoholic terrorist, gay Muslim?
Stop attacking me.
I'm just fighting back.
Doesn't that make sense?
No, no, I'm not attacking you.
When people are hurling false accusations, that's attacking.
I'm saying, you know, correct things.
You're a gay terrorist, then.
Would you stop it?
I'm not a gay.
What does?
This makes you look horrible when you do this.
When you don't take responsibility for what you did, Lance, and when you smear people who are just trying to tell the truth about your cheating and lying, you don't seem remorseful.
You seem like a narcissistic psychopath who doesn't care who he hurts to gain fame, money, or power.
That's what you say.
I never called you fat, right?
What?
I said, I never called you fat.
I don't know.
It's my attempt to bring levity to the discussion about me being the worst kind of human being possible.
And show that I am still really likable.
Funny, no?
No, I would say it's not funny.
It's not funny at all, buddy.
Listen, Jimmy, I hear what you are saying.
That I'm a huge a-hole of astronomical proportions who viciously smeared, slandered, and sued people who were only telling the truth.
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
But I want you to know, and I swear to God, this is true.
If I could go back in time and do it different, I would.
Yeah, but that doesn't make it better.
The fact that you would go back and do it different now that you that doesn't make anything better, Lance.
You think it does.
I really would go back and change it if I could.
I know, but if I could, if there was a way, I would do anything to transfer my body through time and space and undo this.
I really, really would.
But the truth is, Jimmy, I can't.
I know, but you're not getting this at all.
I really would, though.
I really would.
I really would.
I would give anything to be able to travel back in time.
I know, Lance.
Oh, the horrible stuff that I did freely and consciously and of my own volition.
I wouldn't do that this time around.
Because this time I would know I would get caught.
But listen, what am I supposed to tell the kids who look up to you, Lance?
I mean, that's the horrible.
What was I supposed to do, Jimmy?
What do you mean?
Play by the rules and not win.
Compete ethically and never become the greatest bike champion of all time.
Don't smear into fame on his people who poked holes in my web of lies.
Yeah, that's what you're supposed to get.
I got to bang Cheryl Crowe for three years, Jimmy.
Do you care to re-evaluate?
No, I don't care to evaluate.
Listen, how do you...
Yes, I'm sure.
But listen, what's the mindset that allowed you to dope and cheat and still look yourself in the mirror.
Are you a communist, Jimmy?
Why are you no?
I'm not.
Can you just answer the question?
The cancer really changed me.
The battle made me into a vicious fighter.
It changed my mind into an all-out do anything and anything to reach your goal.
Fighting cancer can really change you, Jimmy.
But you don't before you had cancer.
Are you al-Qaeda, Jimmy?
Wow, Lance, you got a lot of balls, buddy.
Actually, Jimmy, I don't have any.
Okay, all right.
Lance, thanks for taking time with us.
All right, that's it.
The Jimmy Dorr show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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So I'm watching CNBC.
I was at home the other day, and I'm like, you know what, let's go ahead and watch this crazy channel because every time I see somebody from CNBC on another show, they're making no sense whatsoever.
They're saying the opposite of what I know to be true.
So why don't I just watch their shows, right?
So I turn on this thing, CNBC.
It is unbelievable.
It is just a cluster F of insular white people who only talk to each other.
It is really unbelievable.
So here, so Jamie Dimon, guess what happened, right?
So Jamie Diamond, you know, they lost $6 billion in the Libra scandal last year, right?
$6 billion.
And guess what happened to Jamie Dimon?
Because J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon earned $11.5 million for 2012, a 50% pay cut following the London Wale trading loss.
Wow.
How will he live?
Wow, he's only going to get $11 million?
What a kick in the gonads, huh?
He took a 50% pay.
He hated that.
And you must understand, Jamie Dimon works on commission.
He gets a percentage of all the money he loses.
Good deal.
It's a new rigging.
And he didn't even get the set of state dives this year.
Just a measly $11 million.
Imagine how much money Jamie Dimon would have made if he'd only lost $4 billion.
He would have done much better.
So they did a poll at CNBC.
They have taken a larger pay cut.
43% said yes.
It's still too much.
16% say no.
He's being fairly compensated.
41% say the Wall Street CEOs are simply making too much money.
Yeah, so 41% of those polled think Wall Street CEOs are making too much money.
And 100% of Wall Street CEOs, they say those people can go fuck themselves.
They do say that.
Shouldn't the question be not our Wall Street CEOs making too much money?
Or should it be our Wall Street CEOs who are losing money making too much money?
Are they doing anything worthwhile?
You know, if a guy's head of a company and he's making money for his stockholders and for his employees and it's doing well, well, okay, he's going to make a lot of money.
People don't really have a problem with that.
But these people are incompetent and they lose money and yet they still get good compensation.
Too big to fail.
Well, Wall Street is there.
They are making profitable again.
They are profitable again because they've rigged the system.
And I don't know if you remember, Frank, but they're getting $40 to $60 billion free money every month.
The Fed is giving to the banks.
Where do you sign up for that?
Oh, the Fed is?
I thought it was Phil Rosuto in the money store.
That's a real tri-state area thing.
So then they bring on.
So then CNBC brings on this woman and this guy.
They bring on this woman and this guy to talk about Wall Street.
And he asked the question, is Wall Street back?
And he goes, did they ever go anywhere?
Did they ever go anywhere?
I mean, first of all, it's like, I don't know.
Did you remember they crashed the economy?
Do you remember they needed to get a TARP fund?
Do you remember this stuff?
Okay, so here's his question.
Morgan's good earnings is Wall Street.
Is Wall Street?
Did that Wall Street ever go away, Jane?
Not out where I live.
People are like, what do you mean Wall Street went away?
When was there suffering back there?
Oh, Jamie Diamond's pay is only getting cut to $11.5 million.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Look at bank shares outperforming.
Did anyone in the mortgage crisis actually go to jail?
I don't know.
John Carney?
Look.
Okay, so that is a point of view you almost never hear on CNBC.
I was like, oh, my God.
And so she says that you say, and they dismiss her immediately.
She kind of tiptoed into that.
Yeah.
I'm going to miss her.
Yeah, I'm going to miss her too.
Yeah.
You're never going to hear that from Maria.
You're never going to hear that from Maria Bartaromo.
No.
You're never going to.
Maria Bartaromo, in fact, came on after her.
And do I have that?
Let me see if I have it.
No.
You know what?
Let me check one more place.
I don't think I have it, but let me check.
Maria Bartiromo comes on after her and says, you know, why should, why, let me see if I have it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is this it?
Is this it?
Let's face it.
Why should the individual investor care what's going on in Wall Street right now?
Okay, okay.
All right, so we'll get to that.
Okay, so it was nice to hear that woman say that kind of condescendingly about, you know, you know, it's nice.
I mean, I guess if we can't have meaningful regulation of Wall Street, at least we'll get a little sarcasm from somebody on CNBC, right?
It's something.
It's half a loaf.
It's something.
It's something.
So Jamie Dimon only took $11 million.
So there's no chance it had looked like he was rubbing his corruption in our face.
I'm not insulted, are you?
So here comes the other guest, the apologist, right?
So here we go.
They did very well, the Wall Street facts.
But one of the things they didn't do this time around is pay their people as much as they used to.
Oh my God, they didn't pay their people as much as they used to.
So look how responsible they're being.
That's what he's saying.
Here we go.
Remember, banks used to regularly pay out clips to 50% of their profits or their revenues right back into themselves to their own employees.
Now the ratios of compensation are way down.
Even Goldman Sachs is below 40%.
I think this is a sea change.
It's a sea change.
He calls it a sea change because the rest of us are still underwater.
The voice of Bill O'Reilly performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
Special thanks to all our writers this week, Jim Earle, for writing the Bill O'Reilly sketch.
Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yassimura, Mark Van Landuit, and Steph Zamarano.
Also, want to take a moment to thank the gentleman who donate their time and talent to the show to make it happen.
Sean James is a Mac genius and he can fix your Macintosh.
He fixes mine over the internet all the time.
How do you get a hold of him?
You just email him at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And he spells Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Next time you need your computer fixed quick, he'll do it for you over the internet.
Okay, plus to Don Quixote for letting us for making that goddamn great caricature that I love so much.
And we use it on our new logo.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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