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Aug. 5, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20110805_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_August_4th_2011
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Timmy Dorritz, Barack Obama, the president of the.
Wait, I'm going to check something.
Okay, all the newspapers say that I'm still the president of the United States.
I wasn't sure if I was anymore, because I sure as hell don't seem like the top banana these days.
Do I?
Oddly enough, the other day, in the middle of a negotiating session with Republicans, things were getting tense.
One of my aides reminded me that I am the president of the United States, the commander-in-chief, the leader of the free world.
I replied, that's great, but I think I need to see the person in charge.
You know, when I took off, people expected me to be bold and different and innovative.
Well, you have to admit that treating the office of the president of the United States as a middle management position is a pretty unique approach.
Jimmy, I want to know.
Jimmy, I want you to know I am working hard on behalf of the American people.
I've been networking and handing out my business cards to some very influential people, and I hope this will one day give me access to someone with real power.
Look, Jimmy, you might think it's important that I prevent cuts to Medicare or that I get the wealthiest Americans to pay their fair share of taxes.
But it's much more important that I get hateful people like Mitch McConnell and John Boehner to think I'm a nice guy.
You know, yes, I know the evidence is overwhelming.
The right-wing Republicans all hate me.
But I feel like I'm always just one concession away from getting them to like me.
That alone is worth ending the new deal once and for all, isn't it?
Don't worry, Jimmy.
I'm applying my negotiating skills to the current dispute with Republicans about the FAA.
I'm proud to announce that I'm capitulating to the GOP and giving them everything they want.
In other words, I've once again found a middle ground.
Don't worry.
Since the economy is crashing and burning, no one will notice when airplanes start crashing and burning the window.
I have to go, Jimmy.
I'm turning 50.
Big 5-0.
Half a cent.
I'm going to spend my special day at the only factory that's still open in this economy, the Cheesecake Factory.
And I can't wait to hear the whalers sing happy birthday to me.
Anyway, so long, Jimmy.
Beep.
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
Charge talking to T-V.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
Now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to today's show.
I'm joined in studio as always from CinematicTitanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
Hey, Jimmy.
Good to see you.
You look good this summer.
You got a hat on, huh?
You got a nice olive t-shirt.
Dress up for the radio audience.
It's nice.
I think you're an olive.
Okay, we'll go.
And from TBS's Dinner in a Movie and the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast, it's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, James.
Pablo Summer does not look good on you.
Okay, good.
And to my right, from Team Yasimer, it's Robert Yasimer.
How's your crippling depression, Robert?
Better and better.
All right.
And by that, I mean worse and worse.
Okay.
All right.
So what's happening right now?
Well, they did.
They signed the debt deal, and many Republicans rejected the Republican debt deal.
But most Democrats seem to support the Republican deal that they came up with.
Okay, and don't forget, millions of Americans without jobs, money, or any way to pay the bills breathed a heavy sigh of relief that the economic catastrophe had been averted.
Chris Christie rushed to the hospital.
Doctors suspect his condition may be based on a high incidence of being Chris Christie.
His medical condition has improved.
Doctors say he's alert and snacking comfortably.
He's a large man.
Before they signed the debt deal, Nancy Pelosi said that John Boehner had moved over to the dark side.
Darth Vader reported that property values in the dark side have plummeted.
Okay, and so everyone is upset that the president sold out his principles and the Democratic Party and the working class and cutting Medicare and Medicaid.
But here's Gene Sperling, economic advisor to the president, and he had this to say.
The president stood firm, never blinked, and this agreement represents that.
Okay, that guy was blinking so much they gave him seizure medication, Gene.
So that's coming up.
We're going to talk about that.
How ABC7's local news here in Los Angeles covered the debt crisis.
Hint, not good.
Also coming up in the Oh My God, we've got, we've got some preachers from the Rick Perry prayer summit coming up this weekend.
And then after that, Jim Hidetower stops by.
Mike Bonicold makes you remember what a douchebag really is.
And we've got some phone calls coming up today from Rick Perry.
Herbert Hoover calls.
Really?
Wow.
We got a phone call for we have Hoover.
Damn.
That's coming up today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, now in today's Oh my God episode, I told you about it.
Rick Perry, our main man, Rick Perry, friend of the show, governor of Texas.
He is having a prayer revival thing with all the and it's at this place called the Reliance Center.
It seats like 80,000 people.
He sold 8,000 tickets so far.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it's not really going well.
Although he's delusional about it, they're still going to have it.
They're still going forward.
And I just wanted to play what I thought was going to be this week's Oh My God segment was I was going to play some clips from some of the preachers that are going to be preaching there.
Like for instance, Mike, this is Mike Bickel from the International House of Prayer.
Really?
And yes, it is.
Yes, it really is.
I get it.
Have you tried their razzle racism?
It's delicious.
The couple runneth over with coffee.
I get the little silver dollar hypocrisies.
We can go on and on with this.
Let's not.
So here's Mike Bickel from the International House of Prayer.
IHAP.
The homosexual agenda will become so intense that before the Lord returns, marriage will be outlawed in various parts of the earth.
Now there's a little bit of a switcheroo because gays have been fighting to get married for years, right?
And that's the big fight right now, but we keep denying it to them.
So it turns out when the gays find a way to reproduce without somehow, they're going to take over the world and then they're going to stick it to us and not let us get to get married anymore.
It's a really razzle-dazzle route.
They are going to hog marriage the way they've hogged The adoption of AIDS babies.
Yes, they are.
Okay, so that was Mike Bickel.
And then there was another guy.
Who was this other guy?
Oh, this is David Barton from Wall Builders.
That's what they're called.
Wow.
Wall Builders.
Here's what he had to say.
Ready?
I know.
One of the good examples, minimum wage.
Party's been fighting about that for about 60 years.
Is Jesus for or against the minimum wage?
What do you think he's going to say?
Is Jesus for or against the minimum wage?
Give me a hint, can you?
Just as a hint.
Jesus did not like the minimum wage.
That was in the Bible.
Come on.
But Jesus was a strong supporter of supply-side economics.
We all know that.
He's on record that's saying that you have to free up the capital markets and you have to deregulate.
I think he said that.
If you pray to him, his blessings trickle down.
That's right.
I think he turned to Barabbas and said, after tonight, I recommend you invest in junk bonds, and I will see you in heaven.
The decision to crucify him was reached through collective bargaining.
So that's what I thought was going to be the oh my God segment.
What could top that?
That would be fun already, right?
introducing enter representative Doug Lamborn of Colorado when he was talking about how he didn't want to be associated with Barack Obama's debt ceiling bill and here's what...
Okay, we're all sitting down.
Okay, here is represent.
This is an elected representative from Colorado, Doug Lamborn.
Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Even if some people say, well, the Republicans should have done this or they should have done that, they will hold the president responsible.
Now, I don't want to even have to be associated with him.
It's like touching a tar baby, and you get it.
You know, you're stuck and you're part of the problem.
Oh, my God.
Tar baby.
He said tar baby.
How quickly after he said that did he think that was a bad choice of words?
No, I think he's well, he did send a letter.
He said Congressman Doug Lamborn sent a personal letter to the president, Barack Obama, apologizing for the use of a term that some find insensitive.
Yeah, you know, who doesn't?
Racists.
That's who doesn't find it insensitive.
The congressman is confident that the president will accept his apology.
That was from the congressman's office.
They called him a tar baby.
That was so racist.
Pat Buchanan was taken aback.
Pat Buchanan, who earlier this was, just I think was it yesterday, the day before yesterday, he used the term boy.
Your boy.
Your boy when we were talking to Al Sharpton about Barack Obama.
And let's hear how he said it, too.
Did he say your boy or did he say it in that racist way that they said, your boy?
Did he say it like that?
Well, let's see how he said it.
And let me tell you, your boy.
Okay, he did.
Wow.
Oh, by the way, to our audience, Robert Simergisted a spit tape.
Very spontaneous, not pre-planned.
Yeah, let's hear it one more time.
Because a lot of people are saying, I just want to hear how he says it.
And let me tell you, your boy, Barack Obama.
Okay, he said it in that racist way that you would say.
But he has a good excuse, Frank.
Frankie has a good excuse because he was using a certain kind of terminology.
What kind of terminology was he using?
Using boxing terminology.
He was using boxing terminology.
Oh, my God.
This is the most dense, oh, my God, segment ever.
From the way he said your boy, the next thing I expect him to do was put cool hand Luke in the box.
What we have here is a failure to communicate, boy.
Ready?
And let me tell you, your boy, Barack Obama, caved in on it.
Okay, so then, but he has a great excuse.
Let's hear it again.
Using boxing terminology was your boy.
He was using boxing terminology, your boy.
Okay, we all know the boxing terminology.
Of course, Pat Buchanan, famous boxer.
I think he's more famous for his boxing game than his racism.
Sure.
Sure.
Okay, so that was a funny.
And mind you, this is Pat Buchanan, who is now viewed as a moderate.
Republican.
Yes.
Pat Buchanan is a moderate Republican.
Now he is.
Yeah.
Okay.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Tar baby, boy.
We had it all gay.
We had the gay bashing.
Can I just say one more time to the Republican Party?
Political correctness doesn't exist for us.
It exists for you guys to not reveal to the world consistently that you're assholes.
Okay.
Like, it's there so that you don't do this.
Yes.
So you don't let people know that you're evil.
It's a way for you to cover.
All right.
Robert, I agree with you.
I feel your outrage, anger, and all that stuff.
But we try to turn it into funnies here at the Jimmy Door show.
We try to turn that frown upside down.
That's right.
Okay, and with the help of Zimbalta, because depression hurts.
Okay, so now let's Barack Obama gave a speech where he articulated how this deal came about.
And here's how it came about, right?
Because he couldn't get it passed by himself.
He needed the American people.
The pressure you put on Washington is one of the reasons we finally reached a resolution in the only way we could.
Oh, really?
Because that's funny, because I thought it was because you totally caved in to the Republicans.
And now you're telling me it's because the American people called their representatives and put pressure on them to cut Medicare and Social Security?
Is that really what happened on those phone calls?
Because I've heard not only are the American people vote against their own interests, they now phone against their own interests.
And tweet against their own interests.
Pretty soon, I just, so he's saying the American people put pressure on Congress to ask the people who are hurting the most to sacrifice, but not the people sitting at the tippy top of this rigged economy.
Makes sense because every poll I've read said that 80% of Americans oppose cuts to Medicare and Social Security to reduce the deficit.
And just as big a margin says that we should tax the millionaires to help to cut the deficit, but somehow.
Including Republicans.
Including Republicans.
So everybody's on board with this except our representative.
Somehow, the pressure from the regular American people led Congress and the president to pass a bill that sticks it in the act of the average American while giving zero of the burden to the upper 2%.
Sounds plausible.
In fact, in fact, I got a hold.
My step Sam Murano did a little investigation, and she got a hold of one of the phone calls from people calling Congress to pressure.
Yeah, so here, I think I have it here right here.
Let's listen.
Hi, Congressman's office.
Yeah, I'd like to call to put pressure on my congressman.
What about?
The president told me to call.
He said you would know what it was about.
Okay, I don't.
It's about that they should work together and that you should Teresa, what's it about?
The debt ceiling!
All right, that they should fix the debt ceiling.
All right, just let me write this down.
Cut Medicare, Social Security, slash don't look.
Got it.
Okay, sir, you're registered.
I'm sorry, why didn't you just say work together?
Raise the debt ceiling.
I thought I heard you say something different.
Nope.
You're all registered.
Oh, thank you.
And that's it, then.
That's it.
And he's pressured and will do what I say.
Yes, he will, sir.
Oh, thank you.
All right, Dave.
Okay.
Okay, Trace, I did it.
Did you pressure it?
Yeah, I pressured it.
Because the lady said I pressured it.
She did.
I take it away.
Okay, that was, I think I recognized that voice.
That sounds really familiar.
That guy really is active.
I got to tell you.
I haven't heard from Morin in a while, but it turns out he's calling us.
He must have borrowed a phone to call into this congressman because I know his telephone lines got ripped out by a tornado.
I heard that they said that the White House switchboards lit up.
Do they still have switches?
I know.
What number?
Please, guys.
Hello, Murray Hill 8.
Is that still going on?
Sorry, that line is busy.
Would you like me to hold?
Okay, yeah.
I just have a hard time believing that this is the bill that the American people wanted to have passed.
It cuts student loans, right?
It makes college graduate students have to pay on average $8,000.
Jimmy, since when is education our future?
What world do you live in?
That's really the truth.
That's really happening.
The people that are getting cut, they didn't raise taxes on millionaires.
They didn't raise corporate taxes.
They didn't even cut any of the loopholes.
What they did was they did cut the graduate students, so now they have to pay the interest on their loans while they're in school, which will raise the average cost of a college graduate degree $8,000.
And, you know, let's face it, we should be taking it on today's college because you don't want to put that burden on tomorrow's children and grandchildren.
You want to put it on today's college students and elderly sick.
That's who should be really good.
Well, not on the job creators who are hoarding their money and creating jobs.
It's amazing that they say we can't put it on tomorrow's children and grandchildren, but we can put it on today's elderly and college students.
But to be fair, to be fair, do college students and the elderly know the burden of keeping a fourth home heated and cooled while it's empty?
Right.
Do you know what it's cost just to heat the pool?
Yeah.
Just to heat the pool.
I mean, we, anyway, I mean, the price of a bachelor's degree at a crappy school costs roughly the price of an average 30-year fixed mortgage.
So, you know, we got to make it a little harder to get into education if we're ever going to build that generation of dumb, unskilled people to work at the Chinese factories that are going to open here in a few years, right?
Right.
I mean, unless you guys want to start paying full price for your iPhones, which I certainly don't.
Right?
You want to have high school graduates making your, I don't, I certainly don't.
We'll have to pay what it's worth.
Okay, so.
Have you downloaded the You're Screwed app?
But did you know that?
I don't think you have to download that one.
I think it just comes.
So Congress, Congress and Congress passed this bill, right, that doesn't, by the way, fix the FAA, right?
The FAA, no inspectors.
Well, they immediately, in the wake of the, they put all these people out of work who immediately.
Immediately.
So that's their action they're taking, is they're putting people out of work.
They're actively putting people out of work.
And this spending cut bill is said it's going to cut anywhere from 350,000 to 1.2 million jobs.
Which is what we need right now.
We need more jobs lost.
And immediately, Barack Obama and everybody in Congress said, now we're focusing on jobs.
And they immediately went on a month-long vacation, right?
Which then, I heard this because of it.
Hang on.
Okay, Congress.
You've tanked the economy, put people out of work, and made flying less safe.
Go on vacation.
You've earned it.
And that's because I have garage band and I can record things like that.
Okay.
I kind of look forward to the day in the future when this all just comes crashing down.
And the sweet irony that the only person that has a job is Steve Jobs.
And his name is Jobs, too.
It's like his name is Weenan.
That's his name.
His name is Weena, you guys.
It's right in his name.
His name is Weenan.
I was in the car turning a wheelbarrow into a car.
And Mavis said, Jay, look at the paper.
His name is Weenan.
That's his name.
I could do that for 45 minutes, you guys.
And if you would let me, I would, honest to God.
Okay.
So we're talking about, and it's really cutting jobs.
It's really cutting.
The world is worse.
It's genuinely worse than it was than before that bill was passed.
Yes.
The stock market doesn't reflect that.
Oh, wait, it does.
And let me, you know, the people are like, well, what's the, let's just go through what Barack Obama had to say about it.
Or, you know, let's go to Gene Sperling, the economic advisor, okay?
Here's what he had to say.
The president stood firm, never blinked, and this agreement represents that.
And yes, we do have a bipartisan commission coming forward in which the president gets to make his case to them and to the American people that we need shared sacrifice, that only a small group of people in our country want to see deaths or reduction done on the backs of seniors, the middle class, and students, and don't want to ask those who are most well-connected or most well-off to contribute at all through additional revenues and tax reforms.
Okay, so what he's basically saying is that that thing that we've been saying we're going to do for the last six months and we didn't do again, well, we're going to do it next time.
We're going to do it.
We're going to ask the wealthy to pay.
Even though they didn't pay this time, they didn't pay last time, and they didn't play last December either.
But we're going to just keep saying this.
We're just going to wait until they have the leverage of an impending election, and then they'll do the right thing.
Yeah, the president stood firm.
The levies in New Orleans stood firmer than President Barack Obama.
Thank you, Robert, for that joke.
His slogan is going to be waiting next year.
Yeah.
Well, here's how he said it.
So it's going to be the Cleveland Inion.
No, he's the Chicago Cubs of Presidents.
All right.
So here is, okay, you know what?
Let's go to Rick Perry later because I had a phone call from him before we get to the bottom of the hour.
Rick Perry called in for me.
Jimmy Dore, look out.
Rick Perry coming at you from Texas.
We're getting ready for my big prayer rally this weekend at Reliance Stadium in Houston.
This thing's going to be awesome, man.
We're almost sold out.
Just imagine, Jimmy, thousands and thousands of God-fearing Protestant evangelical Christians of all creeds coming together to put all our troubles in Jesus' hands.
Just imagine the merch sales we're going to make off this bitch cut down.
And religious Texans coming to a sports arena to publicly pray at the behest of a politician?
I think we better stock up on the XXL t-shirts, if you know what I mean, man.
Some of these old boys ain't seen a veggie in a while.
But hey, man, Reliance Stadium can fit them in.
It's huge.
Hell, one time it had a Super Bowl happen in it.
We're selling it out, like I said.
Let's see that Mormon weak sauce Mitt Romney try to fill A stadium with a prayer rally to his bizarre old space Jesus.
In Christianity, the golden rule is do unto others as you would have done unto you.
In Mormonism, I'm pretty sure the golden rule is kneel before Zod.
Ooh, weird religion burn.
Look out.
But I'll let you guys in on a little secret.
I got a little bit of an ulterior motive for putting this on.
This may blow y'all's mind, but this is actually kind of related to my soon-to-be announced candidacy for president.
I know it's hard to believe, but check it out.
People like Michelle Bachman go around saying that God told them to run for president and do all this other stuff.
And Christians eat it up.
We just got to take her word on it.
We didn't hear that prayer in her bedroom next to that dick tickler of a husband of hers.
What if God told somebody to run for president and there were 70,000 witnesses to it?
I think you see where we're going, buddy.
It's going to be great, man.
Our people are talking to James Earl Jones to be the voice of God.
And if he can't do it, maybe David Paymer.
We're not sure yet.
Just think, man, me.
Center stage, praying.
Dear Jesus.
Yes, Richard.
Jesus, should I run for president?
Yes, Richard, you should.
And Jesus?
Yes, Richard.
If I run, should everybody vote for me?
Of course they should, Richard.
Because if you don't win, America will turn so far from the right path that me and my dad will be forced to come down there and destroy it.
And then I'll turn to the crowd and said, you heard him.
And the scoreboard lights up Rick Perry 2012 with my new logo and everything.
Everybody cheers and screams, hallelujah.
My friends kiss my wife, grab some other lady's tit at the same time.
Boom!
President Perry, bitches, watch yourself.
Man, I wish you guys could be there and pray with us.
But I know you're all busy comedians writing jokes and talking about depression.
Hey, you know what?
I got an idea.
We could pray right now together.
A private prayer circle, like we do in my government offices.
Come on, boys.
Join hands.
All of you.
Jimmy, Frank, Paul, Robert, or if he's not there, that Jew guy.
Let's all bow our heads.
Dear Lord, forgive these four for their sins.
Namely, the sin of being a bunch of liberal kids.
I got you.
Prayer, psych.
I don't pray for free, boys.
You want a private session with me?
Donate about 30 grand to the campaign.
Then we'll talk hand clasping.
Pay to pray.
That's how it works.
I still live to Jimmy Door.
Okay, that was Governor Rick Perry.
I got to say I'm on the verge of voting for that guy.
He shoots from the head.
I like him.
He goes with the gut, huh?
Now, remember, if you missed any part of today's show or you'd like to hear it again, you can always get a podcast of this show for free at iTunes or at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You can download it there, listen to it there, comment on the show at our message board.
And you could also go to kpfk.org and click on all the information there about the show.
Okay, right now we're up against a break.
This is the Jimmy Doer show.
Hello, podcast listeners, our favorite listeners.
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So thanks to the people who do that.
And the next pop of politics is August 13th.
That's a Saturday.
Now, back to the show.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connant.
Next to him from TBS's Dinner to Movie, it's Paul Gilmartin.
And from Team Yasimura, it's Robert Yasimura.
What's coming up on the rest of today's show?
Well, we're going to show you how the local ABC 7 news channel covered the debt ceiling crisis and a hint wasn't that they did not do a good job.
We're going to look at that.
What?
We're going to look at some of the stories they covered in depth instead of that.
Plus, we're going to hear a phone call from Herbert Hoover and Barack Obama.
And Mike Barnacle lets us know that he's still a douchebag and a lot lot more.
But right now, we're going to hear from our good pal, Jim Hightower.
Imagine if a couple of national leaders dared to stand up to the corporate powers that have taken control of government.
Imagine if one of them came right out and said, quote, I am fed up of living in a country ruled by lies, cynicism, and greed.
And imagine if these leaders arranged for the people of the country to be able to throw out all political parties that, quote, represent oligarch interests or vote in the interests of oligarchs.
Impossible, you say?
Not so.
In fact, it just happened.
Not here, unfortunately, but in Latvia.
Located on the eastern shore of the Baltic Sea, the people of Latvia broke away from the Soviet Union in 1991, but a handful of powerful insiders formed corporations that grabbed oligarchic control of public assets, making them billionaires.
Using their corrupt fortunes, they literally privatized democracy, buying political parties and control of parliament.
The oligarchs then pushed through laws that further enriched themselves while knocking down the incomes of regular people and ruining the Latvian economy.
Sound familiar?
What's not familiar to us is that a former president and the current prime minister of Latvia decided they had had enough of corporate rule.
This spring, they launched a public campaign to break the culture of graft between politics and the corporate powers.
And in May, they called for a national referendum to dismiss all 100 members of the corrupt parliament.
The vote on that proposition is now in, and the result is stunning, revolutionary, and historic.
95% of Latvians voted to throw the bombs out.
New parliamentary elections are set for September 17th.
This is Jim Hightar saying, America could use a dose of this cleansing tonic.
And I have no doubt that Americans would throw out all of our corporate-controlled politicians if only that possibility was put to a vote.
Okay, that's Jim Hightower who stops by every week to bum us out in a folksy voice with information you need to know.
Thanks, Jim.
Right now, I wanted to talk about, so the American people, I was watching Jimmy Kimmel the other night, and he did a debt ceiling joke, and nobody really reacted.
And he said, oh, I guess nobody cares about the debt ceiling.
And I'm like, well, I don't think anybody understands what the debt ceiling is even about, right?
I don't understand Jimmy Kimmel's career.
Jimmy Kimmel's Todd Glass will be on Jimmy Kimball tonight.
Oh, really?
God bless him.
He knows the genius.
Smart enough to put on Todd Glass.
That's all I need to know about him.
Right?
Right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Yes.
So right now I'm going to show you how ABC7, this is how ABC7 here in Los Angeles covered the debt ceiling crisis.
It's a 30-second news story, and here's what they had to say about it.
It's official, the debt ceiling crisis is over for now.
Without fanfare, President Obama signed the compromise bill into law less than an hour after the Senate approved it.
The measure raises the debt ceiling by more than $2 trillion and avoids default, allowing the government to pay its bills.
But neither the president nor congressional leaders are celebrating.
A special congressional commission has less than four months to come up with revenue increases and another $1.5 trillion in spending cuts, and no one knows where those cuts will come from.
Okay, now that's all the time they devoted to the story.
Okay, that was it.
The day they signed the deal, that was it.
And that's about 30 seconds.
And it didn't really tell you anything.
What they didn't tell you was: hey, by the way, what this really means is that a bunch of corporate-owned puppets in Congress just voted to screw you out of your Medicare, Social Security, and it's going to cost more for your kids to go to college now.
That's what's actually happening right now.
Even though the economic, even though Wall Street is sitting pretty, corporations are sitting on a record amount of cash.
Do you know who's not getting it?
It's you.
And that's called capitalism, ladies and gentlemen.
So they didn't tell you any of that.
They didn't really explain what it meant to you as a person, how it's going to impact you, how it's going to cost you.
But what they did have time for.
We live amongst many, many universities.
They could have had an intern make a local call to an economist to get something.
To get an economist who, and by the way, you would be hard-pressed to find any economist who said that this deal is going to help the economy.
In fact, the opposite is happening.
They're cutting spending in the middle of a recession, which is the opposite of what you're supposed to do.
And the problem isn't capitalism, in my opinion.
The problem is unregulated.
Unregulated capitalism.
Yes, yes.
I'm a capitalist myself.
Because he made it sound like you want communism.
Sometimes, well, you know what, Paul?
Jesus is a communist.
How'd that turn out?
Well, he did.
Jesus actually called me, and he said that, you know, I just look at I own everything, and you guys are all borrowing from me.
So I didn't think that was funny either.
He's against the minimum wage, though.
Jesus is against the minimum wage, though.
He's totally a commission guy.
Jesus was always a commission guy.
Yes.
So here's what ABC7 News did have time for.
After that story, they only could spend 30 seconds on the debt ceiling and what it means to you because they had to get to the, here's the next two stories they teased.
Ready?
The son of Sarah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neill is back in jail tonight.
Plus, who has the best body in Hollywood?
Here's a hint.
It's good news for mature women.
Okay.
Okay.
And then they went to the weather.
Okay, then they did those stories.
They went to the weather, and then this was the next story they did, I swear to God.
And then they spent just as much time on this story as a debt ceiling story.
Ready?
Here's the story.
Are you good at making people laugh?
Well, maybe you should be a professional clown.
Clowning is one of the oldest art forms known to man.
It dates back to 13 BC.
These amateur clowns are trying out for the greatest show on earth, Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus.
The clown auditions were held at the Honda Center for trying out many of the candidates took part in the clown workshop to polish up their moves and body language.
They should, first of all, they should say, hey, not funny, but still want to make people laugh.
Try being a clown.
Want to creep kids out and give them nightmares for years?
Become a clown.
Become a clown.
Want to develop an art that no one cares about anymore?
But that was those for those of the time.
With this economy, though, the clowns can't even afford brooms to sweep up those spotlights.
So that's how ABC 7.
How do they sleep at night?
The people that deliver that news and call themselves journalists.
How did they so I'm thinking how do they reconcile what they do?
Because, Paul, because if it was, they could be doing that or doing info merch.
They're just newsreaders.
I mean, would you tell me the difference between what they do here and what Brian Williams does?
Brian Williams doesn't do anything except once in a while when there's an earthquake, he'll get on a plane.
They sent a camera crew down to that clown college thing.
They sent a camera crew down to that audition for the clowns.
There's a camera crew down there.
They had live interviews.
So that's what they're doing.
But the clown college is the only college anyone can afford to go to these days.
Now, it used to be that news was required.
It used to be, it was considered because the public, the airwaves are public.
So you were providing a service.
You were providing your community service by providing news and information to the community.
So it was not for profit.
So it was not for profit.
But then that all changed when they started to make it for profit.
And so now the news has to make money.
And so, well, you see what happens when you try to make something turn a profit.
It's your system and the media.
Healthcare, the media.
Sure.
I mean, there can be both things in great shape.
And it also killed local politics, which is much more important in terms of what impacts an individual.
But after a hard day of work, when people sit down and watch the news, what they really want is a little song, a little dance, a little self-defense down your pants.
And so I was thinking, well, okay, so the local, so the local ABC7 news didn't get it done.
Maybe Nightline, Nightline.
Ted Coppel.
All of a sudden, hey, that's a national show.
National, venerable.
Oh, they're the better.
Let's see what they did that night.
This is what they did.
Ready?
Coming up on Nightline, chilling home video from the couple who kidnapped JC Dugard.
What was law enforcement doing while they stalked other little girls?
Plus, the gluten-free diet, is it helpful or bad?
What do doctors have to say?
Okay, that's all the news you need to know on Nightline.
So maybe, you know what?
So I was like, well, maybe the next morning the news on ABC 7 will tell us about the debt ceiling thing because they're more no-nonsense in the morning.
So this is what they were teasing in the morning, ready?
Why toast can save your diet tomorrow morning.
Wow.
This is like a Kurt Vonnegut novel.
White toast can save you diets.
The gluten-free.
This doesn't happen.
That's so outrageous because everybody knows toast has carbs.
That's right.
Carbs do not help your diet.
So how can they say that?
I love the fact that everybody's trying to get down to the level of Yahoo news.
Yes.
Like they've, that's what they're basically doing is reading everything on.
So they're trying to make everything like clickable on their website.
So that's what it is.
So they're trying to make these little news stories that people want to click on on their website because that generates ad revenue.
But can I just say for just for the record, like, none of these stories cost anything.
Like, getting an actual economist or three in the LA area costs you nothing.
Right.
It's not like sending somebody to Beirut.
I'm with you.
But isn't the ultimate point, the fact that the economy is toast, means that the economy is good for our diet?
It can save your diet.
Yeah.
Well, here's some more about how bad the meat.
No, even this quote-unquote liberal bastion of news, MSNBC, they have Joe Scarborough host his own show, who's a conservative Republican, for three hours a day.
So that's 15 hours of programming.
And they have MSNBC is for conservatives.
And the really left-wing liberal channel has a morning show hosted by Mrs. Alan Greenspan.
Oh, it's true, Andrea Mitchell.
Oh, she hosts on MSNBC TV.
You're right.
She comes on right after this.
And then all of the most of the pundits they have are either center or center.
Frank, you put your finger right on it because here is Joe Scarborough saying that he does one of these things that this is what all the progressives think.
Here's what he has to say about the deal, ready?
Again, it's going to be defense spending.
It's the endless wars that are the great challenges.
It's Medicare, it's Medicaid, it's Social Security.
And guess what?
The most liberal member of Congress, Willie, understands that.
The most conservative member of Congress understands that.
You know, whenever Meek and I go up to the Hill, we've talked to the most progressive Democrats.
They understand that Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Pentagon spending, endless wars on the left and the right, they understand we have got to draw down.
Okay, so when he says that the progressives and even the most progressive liberal members of Congress understand we have to cut Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security, I have to take his word for that because even though he has six people on his show at that point, there isn't one progressive.
And that's why he has to say, when I talk to progressive, because look who's on the show, Micah, right, who's a moderate, Joe Scarborough, who's a conservative, Willie Geist, who's a conservative, Mike Barnacle, who's a conservative, Pat Buchanan, who's a right-wing nutbag, and Mark Helperin, who's also a moderate.
He's not a moderate.
Mark Halperin's a conservative.
Not one progressive.
He goes, you know, even the most liberal, and the reason why I have to take his word for it, because there isn't one goddamn progressive on the show.
Or a journalist who's knows enough to contradict what he's saying.
Or has the balls.
Look at that.
There's six people on the show.
Six people on that show on MSNBC, the liberal news station, not one liberal on the goddamn news show.
What is it going to take for people to get angry and start showing some emotion about Wisconsin?
No, I mean, the journalists, are they going to have to be shooting squirrels for their journalists?
The journalists who are passionate about these things are never asked to be on these shows.
Ever, no, they're on the show.
Where's Ralph Nader?
They're on websites.
You never see Ralph Nader.
They're not in the mainstream of me.
To be a mainstream media pundit, in most cases, you have to be center or right center.
Left or center is the one exception, like David Corn is on Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow is liberal and Ed Schultz, but those are the exceptions.
That's not the rule.
Yes.
You know what?
Herbert Hoover called me the other day.
Thank you because Herbert Hoover.
How are you?
I want to congratulate Congress on current spending during the Depression.
That's how you face the economy, see?
That's what I would have done.
Gosh, no.
I was president.
Well, you never would have gone to war when I was president.
I'm a Quaker.
We don't believe in war.
Give money to the wealthiest, and then that solves the economic problems.
They know what to do.
They know how to solve the economy.
Just like I did, see.
And I was popular, too.
People are so happy with how I tell with the depression that names all sorts of little towns have to be.
Bloomervilles.
So we can look forward, I assume, to hold an old crop of little towns called Obamavilles.
I should know I was president when I was president.
I thought you was president.
Anyway, the point is, Congress are doing exactly what they need to be doing.
That's what I would have done.
And I should know I was president.
Those low-class workers and jobbers, they contribute nothing to society except stealing buildings.
You need to ring out the recovery on their backs, I'm telling you.
I was president.
They always talk about Glassdies, last deal.
What about your dog?
That would have never happened on my watch when I was president.
Who tells it?
Oh, you always tell Banker what to do with money.
They depend on our experts in money.
Don't tell them where to put their money, Glassdiego.
I was president.
Okay, that was Herbert Hoover, who really wants to make people know he was president.
And I like his optimism that there's going to be Hooverville's again.
Who can afford to buy a tent?
Okay, so now I just want to remind people if you missed any part of today's show and you'd like to, there's a podcast of this show available for free.
That's right.
At iTunes.
Or you can go to JimmyDorkComedy.com and you can get a free download there.
Or you can comment on the show on our message board.
We always like to hear your comments.
I answer them.
Or you can go to kpfk.org and click on through all the links right there.
And there's also at thekpfk.org, there's going to be a link for the Poppin' Politics show, which is a KPFK fundraiser, August 13th at the Nerd Melt Theater at Meltdown Comics, the world famous Meltdown Comics.
That's August 13th at 8 p.m.
8 p.m. at 7522 Sunset Boulevard.
Who's going to be there?
LA's top comedians.
Host of the Jimmy Doer show from Comedy Central.
It's Jimmy Doerr.
Hey, that's me.
From Mystery Science 3000, it's TV's Frank Coniff.
Hey, that's you.
Oh, I'm going to be there.
That's right.
You're going to be there.
I want to go there because the new Alan Moore graphic novel is coming out, too.
And from TBS's Dinner in a Movie, Richard Martin, Republican Richard Martin, Paul Gilmartin will be there.
That's you.
You're going to hear good things about him.
Yes.
And David Feldman from the David Feldman Comedy Podcast Show right here at KPFK, three-time Emmy Award winner.
Disappointments to his children, an embarrassment to his wife.
He's going to be there.
David Feldman.
It's going to be a great show.
August 13th.
You can go to kpfk.org, and there's a link right on the front page.
You click through right now.
And don't forget to get your podcast of the Jimmy Door show.
And we only have a little time left in the show.
The show's flying by today, folks.
It is.
Flying by Mike Bonicle, who's a guy who makes you think he's a regular person because he doesn't want to get his teeth capped.
He had this to say recently about what the big problem is in America, right?
But the problem, and you just articulated part of it, you know, the Democrats' focus was on this, the Republicans' focus was on that.
Something has happened within this country over the past 10 or 20 years or so, I think, especially with regards to employment and people working.
And it struck me yesterday, over the weekend, I came across the Sagamore Bridge, which connects Cape Cod to the mainland.
Finished, completed in 1935, 1936.
WPA project.
Put people to work.
Yesterday, coming into Manhattan, you come across the Triborough, opened in 1935, 1936, completed with WPA workers' New Deal funds.
Something has happened in this country that the focus is no longer on the collective American good.
It's on individual party ideology, and it separates the good from what ought to be done from the reality of our politics.
Okay, now that is Mike Barnacle trying his best to make Joe Scarborough happy with his news analysis.
Because I don't know if you notice, he made it sound like, you know, both parties are just screwed up.
You know, like, because the Democrats are focused on this and the Republicans, he says it right at the top.
He says it right at the top.
Let's play it.
The Democrats' focus was on this.
The Republicans' focus was on that.
Yeah, you know what the Democrats' focus was on?
Trying to protect working-class people's entitlements, Social Security and Medicare, and trying to make sure that the millionaires shared their burden of the economic problems that are happening right now.
And the Republicans were focused on the opposite.
So he makes it sound like there, again, this false equivalency of the Democrats are stuck with their party ideology.
But you know what, Jimmy, when it comes down to it, he's right because that's how the Democrats voted.
What do you mean?
By voting for this debt ceiling to be raised.
No, they actually ended up not, the Democrats actually voted for this, right?
They ended up voting for that and so on.
They all came together to screw you.
It wasn't ideal.
They came together.
But ultimately, the Democrats say one thing, but they do the other.
So he's right.
No, he's saying what they're doing is they're stuck in their own ideology, which they're, you know.
No, the Democrats are stuck in the Republicans' ideology.
Yeah, right.
Yes, right.
And right, correct.
Well, I think actually what the biggest thing about that is that he's describing WPA projects that this group of Republicans not only are against, but would basically label anybody who talked about them as communists.
Yes.
And by the way, the same Republicans at that time were foaming at the mouth when WPA projects were announced.
They were against it.
So what he's saying is that what he just goes on to say is, you know, the Republicans are focused on this and Democrats on that.
And what we really need is a jobs bill.
Well, who's against that, Mike?
And why are you pretending that both the Democrats and the Republicans are against Jobs Bill?
Why are you pretending that the Republicans and Democrats are both against the New Deal, the thing that we need right now?
Why are you pretending that the New Deal wasn't a Democratic proposal?
And everybody lets him do it.
And it's as if he's saying, you know, you know what the problem with World War II was?
They wouldn't compromise.
Everybody's stuck on their own ideology, right?
Hitler wanted to kill the Jews.
FDR wanted to save them.
Why couldn't they come together and compromise?
Same thing with the, in 1860.
Lincoln wanted to free the slaves.
The South wanted to keep them.
How about we compromise?
You just slay from nine to five, and then after that, they can go out and get a second job.
How about that?
I mean, that's basically why that didn't happen.
That's what he said at the dawn of the Civil War on hardball with Horace Greeley.
No idea what the hell you're talking about.
But this Republican Party, even the most liberal member of this Republican Party, is so anti-public spending that they tried to torpedo the stimulus.
They're still torpedoing the stimulus.
And every economic indicator says spend as much money as you humanly can.
Yes, I know.
And Barack Obama.
And you know what?
We all have a lot of outrage at the Republican Party, the Tea Party.
But the reserve or the most of my outrage is for Barack Obama.
And we need a president that leads.
We need somebody who says, I welcome your hate.
I'm going to stand up for you and really stand up for you.
And that doesn't have some George Bush in him.
People always love to, yes.
People like to say that, you know, Barack Obama doesn't control all the houses of Congress and he only blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he only doesn't do it.
He doesn't.
You know, that is such an, I'm so sick and tired of hearing those apologists.
You know, it's like you said, Frank.
Yeah, maybe someday Barack Obama will achieve a position of power and influence, and he can somehow make his ideas.
But I think that Obama, I have to say, I think he's a victim of the circumstance and the circumstance being that he's willing to appease Republicans.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, here is a party that controls one house of Congress and doesn't have the White House, and yet they are not.
Well, it's not just a party.
It's just one small part of one party, the Tea Party.
Yes.
One small part of the Republican Party is controlling everything right now.
I disagree.
I think it's Grover Norquist.
I think it's the taxpayers' nonsense.
You know what I mean?
He's basically a Tea Party, though.
He's a Tea Party in and of itself.
But what he did was he got every single Republican to sign on to this.
If you raise taxes, he'll target you in your primary nonsense.
You know, the thing that I think is looming on the horizon is the fact, I mean, we've always affected the global economy, but people are really starting to wake up now to the fact that we are endangering the world economy in a way that we've never done it before.
Right.
And I think we're going to see the repercussions of this stalemate in the next year that makes me almost think that the 2012 movie might be closer to reality.
Well, then, you know, again, I say if we had a Republican president, none of this would be happening.
If we had a Republican president, the Democrats would be solid together.
They would stand together.
No, because the thing is, is, you know, maybe like in comparing the war isn't the best analogy because the political climate was so different.
But, you know, don't forget like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi gave Bush everything he wanted.
But they did, but when he tried to privatize Social Security, they stood up against it.
Right, right.
But the climate had changed.
But I'm saying is that, you know, Bush got so much done legislatively and he got it done with the help of the people.
This landmine was laid by Reagan and Clinton and all the other people, and it's just now getting stepped on.
Yes, it's getting stepped on now, and Barack Obama is doing everything he can to make sure it happens.
And, well, you know what?
He actually called me again.
Jimmy, this is Barack Obama.
I'd like to take this opportunity to address the criticisms of my handling of this debt ceiling debate.
Now, a lot of the professional left people are pissed at me because I didn't give everything they wanted that debate.
We needed to arrive at a compromise.
As much as I hate to accept and steal, I hate standing up for traditional Democratic principles and ideals even more.
Yeah, turns out kind of a pussy.
Vagina.
But I know college kids will be happy to pay, on average, $8,000 more a year for graduate school rather than see us make the wealthiest Americans pay some of the bill, too.
College kids appreciate the early life effort.
The Republicans run everything.
We live in a plutocracy, run for the benefit of the very few who have bought off your government and rigged the economic game in their favor while you work your ass off to pay for it.
And the president is a giant pussy.
Now, that is a tough lesson to learn, but one I love to teach.
I told you before, Jimmy, that you winers on the left have got to start acting like grown-ups, adults, grown-ass men.
We put away childish things like defending the most vulnerable.
A grown-up lets the opponent frame the debate.
Grown-ups do what corporations tell them to.
That's a very dope thing.
Now, I've been criticized on the left by folks who just don't want to grow up.
I hear, you know, Dennis Kucinich talked in his tongue, childishly telling us that the workers should come first.
Well, come on, Jimmy.
Nothing and nobody are perfect.
We needed to meet the Republicans halfway.
Everybody knows the best way to build a bridge over a gorge is for two different parties to start on either end or, you know, one party to start in the middle of the other end and do what they, I'm not an engineer enough of this.
You know what I mean?
See, we compromised, which means that we avoided a debt ceiling crisis.
And in the future, your grandma won't be able to see a doctor every time she wants.
And some kids won't be able to go to college.
Boo-hoo.
College is for everybody.
I went to college.
I didn't learn shit.
Here's the real pisser.
Guess what?
You're going to vote for me next year any damn way.
Who else are you going to vote for?
Michelle Bachman?
Get out of my face with that.
Stephen Cannon was right.
You're stuck with your ball.
All right.
That was Barack Obama calling in to let us know how he feels.
And you know what?
We're at the end of the show.
I want to thank everybody who makes today's show possible.
Today's show is produced by Ali Lexa.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Steph Samurano.
And I want to thank my guests, Paul Gilmartin, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, and Mike McRae doing the voices and writing lots of the impressions that he does.
Well, everybody loves Mike McRae.
And I want to thank everybody who listens to the show.
And don't forget, August 13th, we're going to be at the Poppin' Politics.
What time?
8 p.m. show, August 13th, Poppin' Politics.
You go to KPFK.org, and there's a link right on the front page.
You can also go to my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com, huh?
Things are over there.
You can comment on the show.
You can listen to the podcast of the show.
You can always get a free.
There's a podcast of the show for free at iTunes.
All right.
And that's it today's show.
Thanks for listening.
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