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June 2, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
56:36
20110602_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_6-2-11
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Time Text
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say It's hard to talk to your TV.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody, welcome to today's Jimmy Dore show.
I'm joined in studio.
It's Frank Conniff, ladies and gentlemen, from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com.
How are you, Frank?
Hey, Jimmy.
And we're glad to have him back for two weeks in a row.
Former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield, ladies and gentlemen.
I said that right, right?
Yes.
Thank you.
I'm always panicked now because I said Rosenthal once last week, and then it makes me seem anti-Semitic.
Well, it was funny, though, the way you screamed.
But I don't want to see him anti-Semitic.
But right now, we're waiting for the Jew David Feldman.
You got a Jew right here, Jimmy.
Okay, as my gardeners are going, we're in Studio B in Pasadena today.
So what's coming up on today's show?
Well, Eric Cantor is sticking to his demand that the people of Joplin, Missouri, you know, they got wiped out.
Well, he doesn't want to give them any federal aid unless we offset that money, meaning we cut another program that we need.
That's right.
Now, this seems like a blunder, fellas, but it's really a brilliant political strategy designed to shore up the heartless douchebag vote.
Wow, try saying that three times fast.
Okay, so we're going to talk about that and Eric's appearance on Face the Nation.
Plus, Sarah Palin and her pollsters took a break from trying to figure out how she can win the presidency with 35% of the vote and kicked off her non-presidential tour.
Palin hasn't decided if she's going to enter the presidential race yet.
She's waiting to find out and see how much it pays.
And I was just sitting at home watching TV the other day when my local news station decided to give me a laxative.
The strongest warning yet about a possible link between cell phones and cancer.
Yeah, the link is it gives you it.
That's right.
And this does lend credence to my theory that rotary phones gave me the gout.
Okay.
Plus, we're going to talk about Medicare and MetaScare.
And Ron Paul also makes an appearance in the Oh My God segments, plus a lot lot more.
And bill up some classic Bill O'Reilly phone calls today.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, in today's Oh My God segment, we have a couple of clips.
Let's start off with Rand Paul.
Now, Rand Paul got his libertarian cred last week when he kind of put a stop in on the Patriot bill.
He wanted to get some civil rights in there, which was nice.
But then he was talking about profiling people at the airport with Sean Hannity.
And I don't want to tip it.
So I'm just going to play it for you.
And you tell me what part of this makes you want to say, oh my God, ready?
Here they are.
But here's the thing, Sean, is I'm not for profiling people on the color of their skin or on their religion.
But if someone is attending speeches from someone who is promoting the violent overthrow of our government, that's really an offense that we should be going after.
They should be deported or put in prison.
So I don't know if you caught what he just said there.
He's saying that he's against profiling Muslims for being Muslim.
But if you go hear a speech that someone said, and they say some pretty wicked stuff about the U.S., that you should be thrown in jail.
So he's for freedom of speech.
He's just not for freedom of listening.
That doesn't strike me as a very libertarian.
It's like, did you hear what that guy just said?
Did you hear what that guy just said?
Yes, I did.
Well, you're going to jail.
So I don't know how, if that could, is that an oh my God moment?
I think that's an oh my, I think it is.
Really.
Rand Paul really just said that you should go to jail for hearing someone else say something.
Yeah.
But if someone is attending speeches from someone who is promoting the violent overthrow of our government, that's really an offense that we should be going after.
They should be deported or put in prison.
And he doesn't want to profile Muslims, just dark skinned people in that Muslim garb that they love wearing.
Yeah.
Yes.
He wants to just, if you're wearing a turban or a burqa.
Right.
That's when you're going to get.
That's not profiling.
Okay.
So let's, we have one more clip in the oh my God segment.
Now this isn't oh my God, except maybe more of a revelation.
So I was watching Glenn Beck the other day.
Oh my God.
And so here's what he has to say.
But, you know, he says a lot of crazy stuff, right?
A lot of stuff to scare people.
And well, let's just listen.
And before we get to that clip, David Feldman just walked in, ladies and gentlemen.
Three-time Emmy Award winner.
And embarrassment to his children and a disappointment to his wife.
He's here.
Don't forget the hair plugs, which look horrific today.
I got to tell you, that was the best your hair plugs have looked.
You got the new hair shake.
Yeah.
I'm shaking the powder in.
That's nice.
All right.
So we're doing, I think we're in the middle of the oh my God segment.
And I know you're from.
I'm using the shake and bake on my hair plugs.
It's seasoned.
And we helped.
So now we're in the middle.
So here's Glenn Beck.
And he's talking about, let's just listen to what he says to his audience.
Every night I come to you and I tell you, I mean, really?
How many in the audience are spooked by half the crap that I say on the air?
I mean, yeah.
Look at this.
Okay.
All right, clowns, put your hands down.
I talk about some pretty spooky things on the air.
Now, is that not an admission that he just says crap that's scaring people on purpose?
Is that not what that is?
Politics is kind of crazy with a spooky kind of guy like him.
And I know that even in this audience of, I think, the greatest, and I mean this sincerely, the greatest radio and television audience maybe that has ever been assembled.
And the people are good and decent.
And you are smart and you do your own homework.
What?
And I so appreciate you.
And I'm so encouraged by you.
Now, go buy some fucking gold, you assholes.
Before the end of time is here.
And you won't have any gold when you get to heaven.
Okay.
Now, is that how it works?
If you want to be successful, you compliment your audience?
I think that's it.
Ah.
Do you insult your audience, David?
I tell them they're shitheads.
Duh.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
The greatest.
I'm sorry.
You know, the greatest audience in the history of all time.
I think the Scooby-Doo people are going to be kind of upset by that.
I don't know.
I'm not really sure I'm getting that joke, but I think you're comparing his audience.
Well, because they were a great audience.
Come on.
They love Scooby-Doo.
They supported it through several incarnations through years and years and years.
They got it back on the air.
Yeah.
And his show is going off the air, whereas the Scooby-Doo audience, you know, kept it on the air forever.
Forever.
Yeah.
Zoinks.
Like, I never thought so.
That was a cerebral show.
That wasn't like what Beck's doing.
has been oh my god oh my god you know without paul gilmar nobody really gets oh my godie he's the one who really reacts emotionally to crazy stuff that i play and uh we're all a little too cool for school today, I think.
Well, look at that.
I'm just looking at three real cool customers.
Okay, let's move on with the show.
I want to go right to Sarah Palin's bus tour, okay?
But before we get to Sarah Palin, I wanted to talk about that brain cancer cell phone scare.
So I'm sitting at home watching TV.
I'm like, you know, I don't usually watch the local news.
So I figured, let's check it out, right?
Because Oprah's our rerun.
And let's see what they're talking about.
And here it was.
Strongest warning yet about a possible link between cell phones and cancer.
An international panel of experts says mobile phones can be as hazardous as the pesticide DDT and engine exhaust.
But now, Frank, you're in luck because your phone has DDT on it already.
So I'm in the middle of the day.
You're double up.
I noticed there's a nest outside my window, and the motherbird is on the phone all the time, and the shells are really thin.
So Rachel Carson got that right, too.
Even before cell phones were invented.
David Feldman, ladies and gentlemen.
So here we are, and so I'm watching the report.
So then they have to go out in the street and interview regular people for some reason.
Now, I guess this can fall under the umbrella of the fourth estate is letting us down again.
So we hear this.
So why do they feel the need to interview regular people about this?
But here they go.
And let's hear what they had to say.
Well, we can't run away from cell phones.
You know what?
I'm not the fastest guy in the world, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun an iPhone.
I'm pretty sure.
I mean, they're quick.
I don't even get a head start.
Yeah, I mean, the other day I was taking my dog out for a walk.
Boom, my phone was already at the corner.
But I wasn't trying.
You know, if I was trying, if I pushed it.
So then, and here's another young lady they interview.
I like to talk on the phone a lot, so maybe I should stop.
You won't.
She's not going to.
I think she already has brain damage.
We're going to miss her.
I think there's a tumor already pressing on a blood vessel up there.
I got the new eye carcinoma at the Apple Star.
Oh, that's brand new.
It's faster.
And I can't seem to get it in my liver, though.
It doesn't service all parts of the body.
You know what?
You got to get the liver holster.
Oh, and then you put it on speaker and you put it back there.
So now here's a young lady they interviewed.
This is all in the same news report.
For some reason, they had to talk to regular.
Hey, we got another, you know, in Southern California.
We always like to go to the beach and talk to people.
So here's someone who seems a little embarrassed about the risks of getting brain cancer.
I'm not talking 24-7, but I'm concerned for my best friend who talks on the phone all the time.
Yeah.
Do cell phones give you brain cancer?
I'm asking for a friend.
She talks to me all the time.
Why would you be?
I'm asking for a friend.
It just seems so funny to me.
And then here's the same girl who started off by saying you can't outrun a cell phone, and she closes out the segment by saying.
There is concern about it.
I do worry about it, but not so much, because there's other things that do cause cancer, too.
Yes, she worries about it, but not too much, because there's other things.
Thank God there's other things that cause cancer too, or else she would have to worry.
That's all I could pick up from that.
Okay.
Now, Frank, your phone is menfo-filtered.
It is, and I got coupons with it.
So it's green stamps.
I wanted to make that reference really easy.
And I've been using the Android 100.
The light phone.
And also, the new thing that just came out, too, is if you text people pictures of your penis, you can get testicular cancer.
Oh, you know, that was a joke I forgot to do in the billboard.
Anthony Weiner.
You have to get into that.
That's hence the name Weiner.
Speaking of the Congressman Weiner jokes that I forgot to do in the billboard, which I'll do right now, I'll interrupt this bit because David Feldman brought it up.
You know, Anthony, it turns out that Breitbart was putting out the story that Anthony Weiner tweeted a picture of his penis or a male penis to a young lady on his Twitter list.
Turns out his account had been hacked, and that was a false story.
But all of his pictures of him, that was not true.
Andrew Wiener did not.
But all the pictures of Andrew Breitbart are genuine photographs of an asshole.
And in honor of Memorial Day, Andrew Breitbart is photoshopping a fake twit pic of the unknown soldier's penis.
Okay, see, worth going back for this.
I think it was worth going back for those.
Did you want to talk about that for a second?
Or should we?
Now, Weiner hired a lawyer.
Is he going to sue Breitbart?
I don't know because the thing that the Breitbart people are saying is that if he really, if it really was hacked, he would have the FBI investigating it.
He hasn't had the FBI investigated, but he's hiring a lawyer.
And also, Weiner has been, doesn't want to talk about it to the press.
And so the press immediately says, oh, that must mean he's guilty about something.
They're always right about that.
Yeah, they're always right.
And I tend to think that Weiner just doesn't want, he has all these important things he's trying to do, like getting Clarence Thomas to recuse himself from the Supreme Court, and he doesn't want to talk about his penis.
Or someone else's penis.
Clarence Thomas wants to talk about it.
All right, so back to this, the brain cancer story.
We'll come back to Eric Weiner.
And so they end the segment.
The local ABC news here, they end the segment with the reporter who's out on the street.
For some reason, they're doing a brain cancer story on cell phones, and he's out in the street again.
Okay, so here he is.
I like that he's talking to people on the street instead of scientists and doctors.
Because when I hear of a potential risk of brain cancer, the first person I want to hear from is a random individual.
A teenage girl because they're using the phones all the time.
Sure, a couple of teenage girls.
Okay, and here's the reporter closing it out.
Now, cell phone technology has only been popular for about 15 years, and cancers could take decades to develop.
Okay, so I guess in like five years, we'll know.
So don't worry about it.
We'll know in five years.
So then that was the end of that segment.
I was just about done wiping myself and I sat back down to watch the rest of the news.
And this was the commercial they threw to.
It's a virus that leads to cancer.
And so many of us don't even really know about it.
But now it's time we all do.
It's now linked to both women and men, but it's curable.
Tomorrow, Dr. Richard Besser, with the symptoms you need to know to protect yourself on world news with Diane Sawyer, ABC.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, I'm getting cancer.
I got it.
All right.
And if I don't tune in.
I love how they don't tell you what any information.
You have to tune in.
It's a cancer tease.
This is an urgent thing about cancer, but you have to tune in tomorrow to find out about it.
When are they ever going to do this follow-up story to a guy who missed our report last week, got cancer?
It was his own fault.
His wife misprogrammed the TiVo, and the next thing you know, he's got a tumor.
Nick Bakay, who I used to work with, he had a joke about the, for him, the typical tease for 2020 or any of those shows were, are pennies killing you?
Tune in tonight.
Yeah, they love to do that.
What's underneath your kitchen sink?
Could it be killing you?
They'll tell you at 11.
The answer to gripes.
The answer just may surprise you, or will it?
and also the most famous one of all time was, is your hotel room covered with jizz?
I know the answer to that.
Well, when I'm there, it is.
No, they did, or they actually did a report on that.
I saw that.
They had infrared light, and that was gross.
Now, let's go to Sarah Palin.
Now, she's not on it.
This is not a publicity tour.
It's just simply she's visiting historical sites.
She's just a tourist.
And I say, finally, something she's qualified to do.
And she visited the Liberty Bell because she wanted to see something that was also cracked.
But now it's kind of an abusive relationship.
The mainstream media and they know they're being used, but they don't care.
They just want her to be close.
They just want to be close to her.
And the fact that she won't talk to them makes her even more desirable.
You know what she is?
She's campaign teasing them.
That's what she's a campaign team.
And she said she just bought a house in Arizona.
And that's why she thinks she's an expert on immigration because she can see Mexico from her house.
And if I had to choose my favorite thing about Sarah Palin, I'd have to say the best thing about her is that she just says things.
She just says things without any regard or maybe without any cognizance as to how things will be perceived, which is weird because I'm pretty sure that's the main purpose of verbal communications, but not with her.
She's just freeballing it all the time.
God bless her.
So here she is on her bus tour.
And here's what she says about not running for a tour.
And I've said from the beginning, this isn't a campaign tour.
It's not about me.
It's not a publicity-seeking tour.
No, no, no.
It's not.
No, whenever I'm trying to avoid publicity, you know what I do?
I run an 80-foot bus, put my name on it, and a giant replica of the Constitution on the side, and then I schedule a three-day photo op.
That's what I do.
And the fact that anyone would think that this is some kind of a ploy for publicity, well, they're either her enemy or right on fucking Target.
Okay.
And to prove how much she's not in it for the publicity, Frank, she went to dinner with Donald Trump.
Now, how unpublicity-seeking can you get?
But in the spirit of fiscal responsibility, they ate at a restaurant with lower prices than their poll numbers.
Isn't that nice?
So here she is answering.
Now, do you, what do you guys say about, David, do you think that this is a non-publicity tour?
I mean, how could she get away with saying something like that?
She's running for office.
As Jane Edith Wilson said, she can't help herself.
Really?
Yeah.
So what Jane Jane said.
I thought that was the smartest thing anybody said.
She's like, she probably knows she's going to get vilified.
And that guy, you know, her number one aide just wrote a book about her and confirmed, of course, all our worst suspicions that she thought she was going to get booted out of office because of all her screw-ups anyway, which was why I think she resigned.
I think the name of that book was Crap Everybody Knew Already about Sarah Palin.
And the people are going to vote for her don't read anyway, so it's no big problem.
Okay, now here she is answering a question.
So she's on this tour.
So she goes on this tour with the motorcycle riders.
We've all seen it all over the TV.
And she's asked the question, a softball question by a Fox reporter: Are all your stops going to be this loud?
And here's what she says.
Oh, it would be a blast if they were this loud if they smelled this good.
Oh, I love that smell of the emissions.
She loves the smell of the yeah, hey, a mission accomplished.
And that's why she used to say drill, baby, drill, because she wants to sit next to an oil rig and huff.
She loves the smell of exhaust.
Oh, me.
Also, it explains a lot about her that she's around exhaust fumes all the time.
No, it would help, you know, if she just went into her garage with the exhaust.
Yeah, that would really just clear her thoughts.
I clear her brain.
Turn on the snowmobile.
Yeah.
Did she just get caught like mid-pander and then realize what was coming out of her mouth?
Like, I didn't even, like, I love the smell of emissions in the morning.
I love the smell of emissions in the morning.
Smells like a bad thing.
It smells like a concession speech.
I feel it.
I love the feeling of glue going up my nose.
When she says something like that, in Alaska, it's a form of entertainment.
You mean her talking?
Sniffing fumes.
You know, you grow up around probably glue and chemicals.
And in Alaska, six months out of the year, there are nocturnal emissions.
She loves those too.
Okay.
Well, you know what?
I want to give a shout out to Mike McRae.
Normally, we drop a phone call right now from somebody, John Boehner, or Rapie LePue, or who's president of the IMF.
Or we drop a John Boehner or Barack Obama.
But guess what?
Mike McRae is having a baby today.
Not him, his wife.
And in fact, he had to turn down dinner last night.
Are you ready who Mike McRae was scheduled to have dinner with?
This is not.
A really hot chick?
This is not.
I hate that.
Oh, come on, honey.
You're going to be busy.
This is not a joke.
He was scheduled to have dinner with Carl Rove.
They bid on it at some kind of a charity thing, and he got it.
And the bidding didn't go too high, 500 bucks.
So it was going to be two couples in Carl Rowe.
$2,000 not to have dinner with him.
So we're going to play some classic phone call from Bill O'Reilly.
And this is when Bill O'Reilly got caught.
He was saying he was talking with an atheist on his show, and he said that I know there's a God because the tide goes in and the tide goes out.
And you guys can't explain it.
And then he came back and tried to explain it by saying when somebody did explain that to him, he then came back on TV and said, yeah, all right.
So the tides go in and tides go up because of the moon.
But how'd the moon get there?
You can't explain it.
Can't explain the moon.
Okay, so Bill O'Reilly then called in and he said this.
Bor, this is Bill O'Reilly.
I just got a call from Fox Security telling me that you and the tinheads on your show are laughing it up because I know that even if the moon controls the tides, God still had to make the moon.
Sorry, pal.
No other possible explanation for it.
End of story.
So you left-wing elitists can suck on that for a while.
No other explanation for the moon.
Had to be got.
Now, if any of the socialist wounds in your audience change their minds and want the truth about stuff like this, I suggest they purchase a premium membership to billoilly.com, which is $49.95, gets you a full year's membership and includes great features like members-only message boards, full access to the Radio Factor archive, and the new factor Loofer.
The latest offering in the bed and bath section of the O'Reilly Online store.
Go to billoilly.com and join today.
And God made the moon.
Okay, that was Bill O'Reilly, a classic Bill O'Reilly phone call.
Thanks, Bill.
I hope that merchandise is still available.
It sure is over at billo'reilly.com.
All right, we'll be right back after this break.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, and we're back.
And, you know, recently I became a fan of Mark Haynes, who was a longtime CNBC anchor and reporter.
Well, he died last weekend at the age of 65.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
And talking to the morning show with Aaron Burnett on at CNBC.
Yes.
And so I'm a big fan of his because he's a straight shooter.
And here's a good example of this.
Joe Scarborough, not Joe Scarborough.
So we're on.
This is on Morning Joe.
And who's the guy from Boston who's on that show?
Mike Barnacle.
Mike Barnacle asks a very good question.
The plagiarist.
Yeah, the plagiarists ask a very good question.
So here is Mike Bonnicle asking a pretty good question.
We hear about these acquisitions, Skype going for however many billions Microsoft is willing to pay for it, and all these other past acquisitions, why there continues to be no job growth, no real permanent job growth in this country.
That's a good question.
Why is you know what all these and so I wonder who he stole that from?
So now, so then they have this guy.
Now, I don't know who this guy is, but he, I know that he's the head of a financial services firm.
And I don't know which one.
So this is his answer to that question.
Ready?
I think part of the problem is that there's not stable consistency and confidence.
You know, every time we get a good leading economic indicator, we get some bad economic indicator.
And so there hasn't been a stable environment by which corporations can feel comfortable to make permanent employment decisions.
Okay, so now we all know that's BS, right?
We all know that corporations are sitting on the biggest load of cash that they've ever sat on before, and they're just not investing right now.
And so Mark Haynes hears that.
He hears that answer, and they come to him and he says he cuts right through the BS and says this.
I think it has nothing to do with confidence.
Companies hire when they see more demand for their goods or services.
Period at the end.
When business picks up, they hire.
If business doesn't pick up, they don't hire.
That's it.
So that's why he's dead.
So this guy tries to come back at him.
Well, you've got 7% growth in the average earnings of the SP 500 over the last four years.
Yeah, but you haven't had that kind of growth in the average earnings of the average worker.
And that's who buys stuff.
So until those people start buying more stuff, companies aren't going to hire.
So he's saying wages haven't gone up.
People who are supposed to buy stuff don't have money to buy stuff, you knucklehead.
And that's why they're not hiring.
And it's this, and I wish you could see the video of that guy's face just kind of going, well, I'm getting my ass handed to me.
And that's what we're missing now because he's dead and there's no one going to really take over his job.
It sounds great with the Traveling Wilbury's playing behind.
Well, that's, you know, I get a lot of clips from the Morning Joe, and they always have betting music in the morning.
I don't know why that is only on that show.
It feels like they play that music because they're supposed to go to commercial, but it takes them a long time to get to commercial.
Yeah, they just play it for minutes and minutes and minutes.
Yeah, they'll be talking during a conversation, or when they come back, I keep it playing.
So let's listen to Jeff Lynn singing.
They're outsourcing even their music videos to the British.
Can't they even hire an American?
NP 500 over the last four years.
Yeah, but you haven't had that kind of growth in the average earnings of the average worker.
And that's who buys stuff.
That's right.
So corporate profits don't really mean Main Street.
I mean, it's just say somebody else says something about this.
Nobody's got nothing to say about it.
I liked Roy Orbitson better when he was doing other things.
I never heard that, Jeff Lynn.
The Traveling Wilbury.
Well, I know the record now that you mention it, but I never actually, I never heard when he was, I was actually listening to the man who was saying the important thing rather than listening to the rock music, but that was just okay.
And you know what?
Let's not hiring because two-thirds of our economy is based on what people buy.
And like the late, what was his name?
Mark Haynes.
The late, great Mark Haynes said, if nobody has a job, nobody has money, they can't buy anything.
Right.
And we're shipping all our jobs overseas because corporate America has figured out that America was founded with the original sin of slavery.
And slavery is more expensive than shipping jobs overseas.
If you had slaves in America, you had to feed them, you had to hire a doctor.
You had to whip them.
You had to whip them, chains, whips, guards.
That's expensive.
You had to house them.
You had to have sex with them.
I just wanted to talk about that for a minute.
But if you just, if you have slaves in China working at Foxconn making two cents a day, it's much cheaper.
You're outsourcing the slave ownership.
The guys at, if you watch the Yes Men documentary, they proved that actually slavery, real slavery, is more expensive.
That's what I just said.
Oh, I wasn't listening.
Okay.
Real slavery is more expensive than outsourcing your job because for a slave, you have to take care of their health care when they get sick.
You have to feed them.
You have to make sure that what these.
That's what I said.
I was just saying that my grandfather owned slaves before the Civil War.
And that's how I know this kind of stuff.
I'm going to have to edit this out because I just repeated what you just said.
That's okay because I'm going to go into this bit.
Okay.
I know about slavery because my great-grandfather owned slaves before the Civil War.
And I'm hoping there's some kind of reparations because we lost, the family lost everything.
Everything.
This is why I'm for reparations.
Okay.
Civil wars are expensive, too.
Hey, if you have slaves, you're going to have to fight a whole war over it, which has cost millions of dollars.
A lot of people also bought subprime slaves back then, and then they ended up getting screwed financially.
They lost their shirts.
They had an indentured servant default swap.
And hey, Bill O'Reilly called me.
Door, O'Reilly.
Apparently, you tinheads still haven't gotten the message.
Still clinging to that ridiculous science theory that the moon is the result of some big explosion.
You got to be a real coop to believe that.
At some point, you're going to have to accept the truth that anything I don't have first-hand knowledge of has to be the work of God.
The moon, that's God.
The sun, also God.
Where does all the snow go when winter's over?
God takes it.
Why is there always one stock missing when you do laundry?
Because of God.
Why haven't more of the lame brains?
And your audience bought themselves premium memberships to BillO'Reilly.com.
Only God knows.
For just $49.95 a year, they get exclusive photos of yours, truly.
Weekly backstage webcast.
And for a limited time only, I will personally record the outgoing voicemail message.
And fuck it, I'll do it live.
Moon, sun, snow, socks.
That's all God.
Wow.
BillO'Reilly.com.
Okay, and this is the Jimmy Door Show on Pacifica.
The Jimmy Door show is brought to you by the generous donations of our listeners and some not so generous donations.
We like those too.
To do your part to help make this show possible, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, click on donate, and become a great person.
Membership starts at $5 a month.
And if you join at the yearly rate of $55, we'll send you one of Jimmy's hilarious CDs as a thank you.
That's JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And now back to the show.
Beep.
Thank you.
Jimmy Dore, this is Sam Elliott.
Audi.
I'm a big fan of the show, and I just wanted to tell you to keep flattening the good fight.
And most importantly, don't go changing on us.
And I mean that.
Take my acting, for instance.
I'll play a guy who sounds like this and a guy who sounds like this.
That's pretty much my arsenal.
Get out get so much work.
I turn down great parts every month.
All because I refuse to budge from who I am.
They ask if I can do gay.
I say, is gay enough, you son of a bitch.
And they say you're hired.
It's called respect.
They tell me my character is Spanish.
I say, kiss my ass, poor favour.
That's a little something called integrity.
So pour some of that on your steak and keep chewing.
Because you're going to need a full belly where we're going.
Get me back on the cell.
Okay, we're back at the Jimmy Door show.
Did you enjoy the break?
I'm joined in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff, former writer for The Daily Show at Steve Rosenfield and three-time Emmy Award winner.
It's David Feldman.
And I'm Jimmy Door.
What's coming up on this half of the show?
Jim Hightower stops by to bum us out in a folksy voice.
We're going to talk, we're going to talk more about the Medicare and the Metascare thing that happened on the Press the Meet last Sunday and maybe a lot more.
But right now, let's hear another phone call from Bill O'Reilly.
This goes back to, I think, St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure.
Door.
Hey, and let's give President Bush a little credit for this bin Laden thing, huh?
Can you loony lefties stomach that?
It's nuts to say that Obama did this on his own.
He couldn't have killed Bin Laden last week unless George W. Bush hadn't during his administration, right?
So thank you, President Bush.
And President Andrew Johnson, too.
That's right.
If he hadn't been so weak on reconstruction policies in the 1860s and extended the systematic oppression of African Americans decades into the future, it wouldn't have been so exciting to have a black presidential candidate as late as 2008.
Excitement that shooted Obama into office in the first place.
So special thanks to President Andrew Johnson, who helped us kill bin Laden.
So to sum up, the people who killed Bin Laden in order of importance: Bush, Jesus, President Andrew Johnson, the Holy Spirit, Peter King, Jameson's whiskey, Ronnie James Deo, Tommy Boy, and give me a call, Jimmy.
Quit hiding, or we'll find you.
That was Bill O'Reilly.
And now let's hear from Jim Hightower.
I try to avoid religious commentary, but good God, what is it about confession that the Catholic hierarchy can't seem to grasp?
The grotesque epidemic of priestly pedophilia that has roiled the church has been under assessment in a five-year, $2 million study commissioned by our country's Catholic bishops.
At long last, the report is out, but not the truth.
Instead, the panel concludes that this horror is not the fault of the church, nor even of the abusive priests.
Rather, cue the heavenly music.
The 60s made them do it.
Yes, it's the Woodstock defense.
The diabolical theory of this study is that, quote, social chaos created by the tie-dyed sexual revolution of the 1960s, so discombobulated otherwise chaste and honorable men that they used their religious authority to rape 10-year-olds and teenagers.
Dios, mios, have mercy.
That conclusion is as perverted as what the priests did and as inexcusable as the hierarchy's ongoing denials and cover-ups.
Start with the obvious: rape is not about sex, it's a gross abuse of power.
Second, I was around in the 1960s, and while I couldn't seem to attract much free love for myself, I can testify that the sexual revolution of the time most definitely did not even contemplate, much less advocate, old men in dark robes molesting children who had been placed in their care.
This is Jim Haijar saying, the church's report is as silly as the right-wing's current fiction that all would be well in America if only the 60s had never happened.
Excuse me, but enormous progress was made in those years by women, civil rights champions, environmental advocates, and yes, by American culture itself.
The Pope should shelve this nonsense and lead the world in a new liturgical chant.
Pedophilia is not a social habit that one adopts, it's a sickness.
Okay, thanks, Jim.
Jim Hightower's here every week to bum us out in a folksy voice.
So, Eric Cantor went on Face the Nation.
Now, if you don't know what's happening with Aaron Cantor, he's really getting crazy.
He doesn't want to give the people of Joplin, Missouri, who had some weather problems, to say the least.
He doesn't want to give them federal aid as in federal money, unless it's money that's taken out of the budget somewhere else.
So here he is on Face the Nation to talk to Bob Schaefer about that.
But will you insist that there is a...
It's Harry Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
Quid pro quo that there's a trade.
You know, Harry, it's like this.
If when a family is struck with tragedy, like the family of Joplin, you know, they have, let's say, they had, you know, $10,000 set aside to do something else with, to buy a new car, to do something else, and then they were struck with a sick, a member of the family or something and needed to take that money to apply it to that.
That's what they would do.
Because families don't have unlimited money, and really, neither does the federal government.
Okay, let me can I just interpret that for you?
Let me just break that down for you for a second.
So what he's saying is, you know how everyone in Congress, including me, is in the pocket of the insurance and pharmaceutical companies, and that's why you get screwed when someone in your family gets sick?
Well, now we're doing that with tornadoes.
I mean, you can have your tornado relief if you want it, but you're going to have to ride the bus and no health Care when you retire, okay?
And that's what America is about, choice and funneling money upward, right?
So, what do you guys, Frank?
What do you think about this, Eric Cantor, and why is he digging in his heels on this?
Well, I think, you know, I think he thinks that the media is making this whole Joplin tornado thing out to be worse than it is.
I mean, some of the people, we don't know this, but some of their houses might have been twirled up in the tornado and now they're in the land of Oz.
But you don't hear about that in the media.
I think what he's saying is that if we're going to spend federal money, let's spend it on people who already have somewhere to live, right?
Isn't that what he's saying?
Why these people don't have homes?
What's the point?
They're homeless.
They're homeless, right?
I mean, the problem with those people in Joplin was that they were just going along, not saving their money, and were totally unprepared to be wiped out by a tornado.
Why should the rest of us suffer, right?
But even if your money, even if you like, um, had money and you lived in Joplin, you still need a trailer to live in, you know, while everything is being reconstructed and you need help from the government.
I mean, to make the analogy between the government and a family, it just doesn't hold up at all.
Well, can I explain this?
Sure, explain it.
Eric Cantor is the only Jew who's a member of the Republican Party.
No Jew who's ever studied the Torah or the Talmud would be a Republican.
So they found the one Jew and put him in charge.
Let's put the Jew out front, the same way they found the one black Republican, Michael Steele, and put him out front.
Those two guys are the dumbest.
Eric Cantor is the dumbest Jew in Washington.
Michael Steele was the dumbest African-American in Washington.
And that's your explanation.
You cannot find a smart Jew who will front the Republican Party because there aren't any.
And you can't find a smart African American to front the Republican Party because any African-American who votes Republican is an idiot.
Same thing that any openly gay man fronting like Ken Melman was gay.
No, but he's not open.
But he wasn't open.
Let me just finish this because I don't want to get you into trouble.
If Ken Mel, you would not find an openly gay Republican willing to front the Republican Party.
Maybe back it, but not front it.
Okay, good.
Now I got you in Jajar.
But that explains Cantor.
He's an idiot.
Yes, Eric Cantor is, if you hear him talk.
And I love my favorite quote of his when he says, you know, if we think you're going to raise taxes and somehow with a magic wand raise revenue.
It's like, yeah, that's how it works.
You don't need a wand.
You just go ahead and raise the taxes.
That's all.
I think the problem is that Cantor just doesn't know these people.
None of the victims are anybody that he knows.
So why should we give money to strangers?
Well, the whole idea that there'd be that federal aid to people who are going through a disaster is suddenly conditional.
That's like a new concept.
Well, that's well, the whole thing about we need to have concessions to raise the debt ceiling is new also.
I mean, Ronald Reagan said that it's the craziest thing ever.
The people in Joplin all had their debt ceilings destroyed.
And their debt floors and their debt floors.
The thing that's driving the Republicans crazy is if you want to get re-elected, if you're the mayor of a town and there's a blizzard and you don't get the street shoveled, you don't get re-elected.
Right.
And Obama and FEMA is working.
That all the tornado victims, the Republican press has gone out there and tried to get them to say FEMA is screwing up.
And nobody, even Republican congressmen and senators are saying FEMA is working fantastic right now.
And that's driving the Republicans crazy because Obama is competent.
That's why he was able to kill Bin Laden.
Is that true?
That someone say anything about FEMA?
FEMA is back up on its feet and working, and it's a success story.
But it's a government program, so it must be bad.
Right.
But go ask the conservatives in the red states whose homes were destroyed by those tornadoes.
They will not trash FEMA.
Really?
FEMA's working again.
Okay.
Wow.
It's about, you know, we shouldn't have to pay for it.
That's the problem.
This costs money.
See, I'm all for FEMA, is their point of view.
We shouldn't have to pay for it.
Why do we have to pay to clean up the rubble?
This doesn't seem fair.
As the people of Alabama said, heck of a job, Brownie.
I have a good job.
Thanks for watching.
To our president.
That's what they said after the tornado.
Okay, so you know what?
Haley Barber decided not to run for president, and that's when he called into the show a few weeks ago.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Haley Barber again.
Sorry, I just stood up out of a chair.
Anyways, just wanted to give you a call to address all this hubba about me pulling out for the 2012 presidential race.
I mean, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise.
Because on the off chance that the economy does pick up, whoever ends up running against this Obama guy is going to get a drug and like Long Street did at Gettysburg.
Sorry, I'm a Southerner.
My two metaphorical points of reference are the Civil War and the Civil War.
And me especially, you know, with my good old boy personality and Mississippi accent, I got no chance against some guy from Africa.
Just looks bad.
Not that it should be that way, though.
I ain't no racist.
Some of my best friends are a bunch of blacks.
I mean, some of these Belway elitist moralizers will call me a racist, but then they go send their kids to some East Coast boarding school where they got no darkies at all.
I can't show where these schools got yellers and red dot engines and hebes and whatnot.
But no straight up, no room for cream, blackified America.
What these Yankees don't understand about us down here is that when I was a kid, they ran the Klan out of Yazoo City because the Klan uses overt violence against blacks.
We replaced them with the Southern Citizens Council, which uses overt economic threats.
That's different.
We got a saying down here, Jimmy.
If there's no white hood, the racism's all good.
Sorry about that.
I'm going to swallow an entire deep proud trooper.
Anyway, just want to avoid all that herb.
Gratefully.
I'm sure you understand, Jimmy.
Give me a call on my what, Barry?
That's nice.
That's amazing.
That's Mike McRae doing the voice, and he's Having a baby this week, which is why we're playing the best of, in fact, you know, I feel so good about it.
I think we should play.
Okay, so we just have a few more minutes left to the end of the show.
I'm here with David Feldman, Steve Rosenfield, and Frank Conniff.
And Mitt Romney's running for president, and he wants to let you know that he's not stuffy.
He's not stuffy.
He likes a lot of different things.
Like, what does he like?
I like silly stuff, too.
I mean, I like the Twilight series.
Really?
He likes the Twilight series.
Well, he likes vampires.
He likes.
Okay.
I thought that was fun.
South Park is funny.
Yeah, South Park is funny, especially when the Mormon episode.
The musical they got going.
What's that?
The Mormon music.
Yeah, Book of Mormon, the South Park guys.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So he thinks it's funny all of a sudden.
He wants you to know.
The Beatles were phenomenal.
The Beatles were phenomenal.
Everybody.
We also watch American Idol.
Okay.
All right.
Does anyone believe a word this guy says?
As far as Twilight, like, if he's on Team Bella or Team Edward, I'm sure it changes week to week, depending on what the poll numbers tell him.
Yeah, well, Mitt Romney, the nicest Christian to ever flip-flop on abortion three times.
And the worst thing ever, I don't care what he does, anything else, the fact that he strapped his dog to the top of his car when he went on a family vacation.
It's true.
No.
Yes.
What?
He strapped his dog to the top of his car and drove miles and miles and miles to go on a family vacation.
In his defense, that dog looks exactly like Imogene Coca.
Don't you mean Irene Ryan on the Beverly Hill Billies?
No, in National Committee.
National Vacation.
Oh, yeah.
Did he really do that?
Yes, yes.
And how did, and what, and what was his excuse for doing that?
He's a dick.
He didn't want the dog in the car.
No, I mean, the dog didn't die or anything.
No, no, but he didn't like it, but he didn't die.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't do that.
I would do it with my kids, but not my dog.
Maybe the dog lies.
I mean, my dog is always sticking its head out the window after I've eaten a chimichanga.
But no, I mean, they like the win, don't they?
I don't know, but that doesn't seem right.
They like being strapped down, too.
Sure.
Certainly.
It's swaddling.
So let me.
I want to play.
So we just have a few minutes at the end of the show.
We're going to save our Medicare bid for next week, which was amazing because it was a Pulitzer Prize winning writer from the Washington Post was spewing some right-wing talking points, which was nice.
But anyway, I was watching this.
I don't know if you guys will find this as interesting as I did.
When we killed Osama bin Laden, we did?
Yeah, yeah, we got him.
So President Barack Obama called President Bush, and then President Bush told the news media how it went down, how he got the phone call.
And there's something in this that kind of piques my interest.
See if you can tell what it is.
Former President George W. Bush has, for the first time, described the moment he discovered bin Laden was dead, telling a Las Vegas conference quote, I was eating souffle at Rise Restaurant with Laura and two buddies when the call came.
Okay, I'm just going to stop it right there and say, yeah, I was eating souffle with a couple of buddies.
A couple of buddies?
You're eating souffle?
You can't toughen that up.
You're eating souffle.
He was eating at a restaurant that specialized in dishes that were a metaphor for his presidency.
Yeah, me and a couple of buddies.
We were just sitting around in our knitting circle.
You know, me a couple of buddies eating a souffle and a couple of buddies.
What?
Mean a couple of buddies.
And then that's how that guy reported it because you know he made it have to be reported that way.
Well, that's his whole affectation that he always used and that the media bought into was that he was a good old boy, you know, not a Yale Harvard guy who grew up in at Kenny Bunk Part among incredible wealth and privilege.
Just a regular good old boy you should have a beer with, hangs out with his buddies.
He can't.
Eating souffle's with ketchup in his defense, with ketchup.
With ketchup.
Okay, now let me get so that was that clip.
I've been waiting to play that clip for three weeks.
I just played.
I just thought that was weird.
And now what else is happening this week is the debt ceiling, right?
So the Republicans want them to cut Medicare.
And I couldn't understand why they keep, like they keep.
So first of all, what's going to happen if they don't raise the debt ceiling?
This will lose standing in the world.
Our future, our children's future, our grandchildren's future will not continue to go on.
Okay, well, if it's that important, I mean, if we can't, if our kids aren't going to have a future, if we don't, maybe we should let the Republicans do what they want then.
Maybe we should give it to them, right?
But moreover, if the Republicans get their way and slash government, our kids also won't have the life that America's come to know.
Okay, so we're screwed either way.
It seems like a catch-22.
We either don't raise the debt ceiling, ruin our economy.
The Republicans want to cut catch-22 down to catch 11.
You just have to do the wrong thing first, and then you wait.
Okay.
But here's, so I'm watching, so I couldn't figure out because Mitch McConnell, when he went on to meet the press last week, they keep doubling.
So they made the mistake of voting for Medicare.
I mean, voting to cut Medicare, the Paul Ryan budget.
It was a classic overreach, right?
The Republicans, they haven't even been in office for six months, right?
And they totally lost the American people.
In November, the American people sent a clear message to Congress, kill us.
And so they're going.
So, you know, if it's Scott Walker or the guy down in Florida or now the Republicans in Congress.
And so here he is being asked if he'll vote.
Here's Mitch McConnell being asked if he'll vote to raise the debt ceiling.
Are you confident that the debt ceiling will ultimately be raised?
I'm confident that unless we do something really significant about debt and deficit, it's not going to be raised.
I can assure you, David, that to get my vote to raise the debt ceiling for whatever that's worth, my one vote, Medicare will be a part of it.
So they doubled down on we're going to have.
And I'm thinking, why do they keep debt?
That seems like a bad political strategy.
That seems like a bad strategy.
And then Rachel Maddow pointed out last night that what he's really doing there is he's realized that they're already screwed, right?
They're already screwed because the American people know they voted to kill Medicare.
So now what he's doing is saying, listen, I'll burn this whole place down if the Democrats don't also right now cut Medicare because I'm not going to go into an election cycle without that in my back pocket, right?
So he's going to force the Democrats to actually cut Medicare.
So that's what he's doing.
And I'm like, oh, well, now that makes sense.
Because I'm like, why wouldn't they just try to run away from this?
Well, they can't run away from it.
And so they're using this debt ceiling to get the Democrats to vote to cut Medica.
They don't have to kill it, but just cut it.
If they can just prove that they voted to cut it, then they have political cover.
So that's what this is all about.
Okay, I just wanted to get that off.
They're not cutting it.
It's a voucher system.
Right.
They're ending it.
Well, they believe that grandma should have some skin in the game.
That's, yes, that is most of it off on her arm.
Skin cancer.
Okay, let's pause because we're at the end of the show.
Hold on.
Okay, and then before the end of the show, let's play.
Here's another Arnold Schwarzenegger called in because Mike McRae's having a baby.
That's why.
Okay, here we go.
Hello, Jimmy Dawd.
This is Arish Schwarzenegger.
Yeah, listen to me.
Everyone talks about my history of globbing women.
I've been very upfront about my history of globbing women, I've admitted.
But one time, ten years ago, I groped the lady so hard that it made a baby.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human lives that should be destroyed.
No one is talking about it.
This is great.
Goodbye.
Wow.
Okay, that is Mike McRae doing the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Congrats to him and his baby.
Women do find Arnold irresistible, especially when he's holding down their arms and checking their mouth.
I want to thank everybody who helped write today's show.
Steve Rosenfield.
God, every time I say it, every time.
Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Robert Yasamura, Steph Samurano.
Thanks to Ali Lexa, my producer, for getting it done.
And thanks to my guest, David Feldman, for stopping in.
It's Rosenfield.
David Feldstein came in.
David, one o'clock show.
He showed up at 2:15.
We're glad to have you.
That's all I have to say.
We already said, Steve, thank you very much for showing up.
Frank, thanks for coming in.
Thank you for watching.
We can go to cinematictitanic.com to see when you got any shows coming up.
Not till the fall.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
You're taking the summer off, lazy.
Okay.
Oh, can I plug a show?
Should I like to plug a show on KPFK?
Yes, your show.
David from the David Feldman show on KPFK, right?
Tomorrow at 3:30.
Oh, that's right.
Friday's at 3:30, the David Feldman Show.
And you'll be able to hear a lot of people.
Frank Conniff and Steve Rosenfield.
It's pretty much this show, but not as good.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks everybody for listening.
That was false humility.
I'll see you June.
Don't forget June 11th.
We're all doing popping politics over at the Meltdown Comics.
You can get the links to all those shows at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
That's right.
JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Don't you have a show of flappers?
Oh, and the next week, well, that's coming up.
And this weekend, though, you know where I'm at this weekend, tonight through Sunday, I'll be at Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, just outside of San Francisco.
What do you think of that?
Wow.
I'll see you up there with Robert Mac and Best Schuman, very funny cats.
So I'll see you all there until next week.
Be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
Hello, Jimmy.
This is Liam Neeson.
I would like to respond to the accusations made previously on your show by a certain antibodian anti-Semite, the utterance of whose name shall not besmirch my lips.
The notion that I was relieved of my duties on the Hangover 2 because of some behavioral misnep of my own is utterly false.
Lies!
The truth is that I simply am scheduling conflicts with my new film.
Clash of the Titans 2.
Stay clashy.
Now where I'm from, you don't take slanderous insults lightly.
Therefore, I am publicly challenging Mel Gibson to a chalnery, an Irish duel.
Just tomorrow.
Griffiths Park near the observatory.
He is allowed to bring the following items.
One quarter staff.
One dagger, blade no longer than eight inches, one bag of milled oats for sustenance.
And one Hebridean songstress of his choosing to sing him an ancestral tune in Gaelic as he dies of his wounds.
Be there, Mel Gibson, or be forever known as a coward throughout the seven nations.
That is all.
Love the show, by the way, Jimmy.
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