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May 20, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20110520_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_May_192011
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Time Text
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome today's show.
I am joined in studio, as always, from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com.
It's Frank Honiff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
And from Dinner in a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, which is taking off.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hey, Paul, how are you?
Jimmy Dore.
And tweeting at Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Hey, James.
Okay, so what's coming up on today's show?
Well, Donald Trump, possibly the perfect Republican candidate.
He had no political experience and his supporters were idiots.
He's not running for president.
Yeah, he says he wants to spend more time being full of shit in the private sector.
But it turns out the real reason he decided to get out was because the media was attacking him.
And we explore the question, just when are rich white millionaires going to get a fair shake in the media.
The answer just may surprise you.
Plus, Rick Santorum says John McCain doesn't understand torture.
But what Rick Santorum doesn't understand is that John McCain spent four straight months with Sarah Palin.
And the IMF has demanded the resignation of its chief financial officer, Rapy LePue, saying that they are in favor of raping the third world in general, but they draw the line at MAIDS.
Newt Gingrich kicked off his presidential run with his 36th visit to the meet the press.
That's 12 visits per wife.
Like the wise sage he is, he imparted the wisdom of what it takes to be president.
Somebody who offers to lead America has to be much more disciplined and much more thoughtful than an analyst.
An analyst can say anyone want to because there's no downside.
But the person to whom you're entrusting leadership of the United States had better think long and hard before they say things.
He then went on to make a gap so big it turned his entire party against him, had him apologizing to anyone who would listen, and ended his political career.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering his son out of wedlock 10 years ago.
Maria and the rest of the Kennedy family were shocked by the news that it was only one kid.
And let's remember, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Batman and Robin, so this is not the worst thing he's ever done.
Okay, that's coming up.
Plus Jim Hightower, Oh My God segment extended this week, plus a lot more.
That's this week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh my God.
Okay, so we have three clips to play in today's Oh My God segment.
Delicious.
We're going to start with the real reason Donald Trump didn't run.
Okay.
And let me just set this up by saying, did you ever know somebody with a personality disorder, you know, like someone with a borderline personality or even a full-blown sociopath?
Sure, you have.
You've probably dated one or worked for one or one was your mother during menopause.
One of my personal favorite things is what sociopaths do is manipulate a situation to make it seem like they are the victim.
And then a few weeks later, you're like, wait, she cheated on me.
Why do I feel sorry for her?
Well, keep that in mind as you listen to this next clip from Fox and Friends as they explain why Donald Trump really got out of the presidential race.
So mainstream media went after him with the long knife.
Suddenly, he represented a threat to perhaps Barack Obama.
And the mainstream media went right up.
Not just mainstream.
Correspondents did it where the president attacked him for about a half hour.
Seth Meyers attacked him for about a half hour.
SNL attacked him.
The Daily Show attacked him on a regular basis.
Every late night show was attacking him.
Every other network was attacking him.
And then the capture of Bin Laden.
He didn't have a chance to really answer because he wasn't on the news.
Oh my.
Truly.
Wow.
Good times.
That's right.
Donald Trump is a victim.
And believe me, the Donald was a serious political candidate with a comb over.
He had a hit reality television show, an almost laughable sense of public policy.
You could feel it.
This was the guy.
Yeah, I get the feeling that Fox and Friends would characterize David Berkowitz as a mislabeled dog lover.
He's a persecuted gun owner.
He's not a dog whisperer.
He's whispered to by dogs.
I mean, according to Fox and Friends, Donald Trump was, you know, it was like he was Bobby Kennedy just taken from his two swords.
We expect a lot from the leaders of our nation, but no one would expect them to be able to sit and listen to a comedian tell jokes about them.
No.
Oh, no, not at all.
That kind of pressure is unfair.
Unbelievable.
And did you catch how he said the mainstream media went after him with long knives?
Which that's a reference to the night when Hitler assassinated all his political enemies in the Nazi Party.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So it's pretty apt an apology.
I mean, it's a good analogy.
You know, Hitler killing his enemies or, you know, criticizing and mocking your political enemies.
Those are pretty close to the same thing.
Sure.
Okay.
The mock is mightier than the sword, Jimmy.
Yankees may need to do it.
It's like they're upset at the liberal media.
Oh, you've been.
Oh, that's it.
We've had it with you, liberal media.
Enough of you questioning public statements made by people who intentionally put themselves in the limelight.
And I love at the end how they say that.
And then Donald Trump couldn't get in the news cycle because the U.S. military killed Osama Bin Laden.
No, that was so insensitive of the military to Bill Bin Laden.
I mean, Barack Obama was just, he was just doing that to torment Donald Trump.
And he might as just, it's like he raped him twice.
It really is.
First the jokes, then the killing of an enemy.
And don't forget it preempted a celebrity apprentice, too.
So it was like a digital.
Oh, I didn't even know that.
Yes, it did.
Yes, it did.
I think the Hague has got a new case.
I like how they say, oh, maybe Obama started to get afraid of Donald Trump.
Yes, because Barack Obama is uncomfortable when he beats someone by 50 points.
That's what he was getting afraid of.
I do feel bad that the one thing about them getting midladen that I do feel bad, if it did make Trump not run, I do feel bad about that.
It would have been fun to have him run.
I so wish he was.
You know, we're still waiting to hear about those incredible results.
His investigators in Hawaii.
I still was waiting for people to interview him about that.
I was looking forward to him going to OPEC and saying, guys, you've had your fun.
Now it's over.
Yeah, I want him to swear.
I wanted him to swear at China.
I was waiting for him to say MF to China and to Saudi Arabia.
Hey, we want your F and oil.
Anyway, I think Fox and Friends, that's the type of show that thinks that maybe they should cover the Harlem Globetrotter Washington General game.
I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.
You have people now down there searching.
I mean, in Hawaii.
Absolutely.
And they cannot believe what they're finding.
Yeah, they can't believe what they're finding.
They found his birth certificate and they can't believe that I won't shut my mouth.
That's what he's really saying.
They cannot believe.
It's there exactly how he said it.
They've certified it and they can't believe that I'm running around like a maniac.
Okay.
I think that's what he meant.
Okay, so here's the second part of the oh my god segment for today.
Now Arnold Schwarzenegger, so so he's a right-wing guy who fathered a child outside of marriage.
He had the mother of that child live in his house, worked there every day side by side with it.
He's pregnant at the same time his own wife was pregnant.
Wow.
That's cool.
That's wasn't that Mickey and Maude, the Dudley Moore movie.
Remember that?
Yes.
He had got two women pregnant at the same time.
Oh, really?
Is that what they think about?
Oh, that's right.
That's right, I did.
Okay.
Wow.
Good poll.
And that was like he didn't, you know, I think Schwarzenegger must have wanted that part or something.
Fine line between art and reality, right?
So here's what, so I've got a clip of him talking about the importance.
Well, you'll just, this is just listening.
This is all a lack of parenting.
If the parents would do like in, like I did, the homework with the kids and book with the kids and read with the kids and do those things with the kids, it would be a whole different bulk.
So except for that one kid.
Except for that kid.
Except for my one kid, who I've denied for 14 years so I could become governor.
Can you imagine?
He really did.
He has a kid.
The kid's out there.
The kid doesn't know who his father is.
He doesn't let his own kid know he's his father so he can be governor.
Right.
And then he rants against single moms.
And then he rants against the problem with the, they got to do it.
And then he's got, he had created a single.
And he vetoed gay marriage twice, too.
Oh, did he really?
Believe he did, yes.
He eventually reversed himself.
And then I think when the political tide turned, he supported it.
But before that, but what parents really need to do is all a lack of parenting.
If the parents would do like in like I did.
And then, you know, father a kid outside of marriage and then deny him for 14 years so you could get painted some personal power and then end your marriage immediately after getting out of politics.
If they would just do like I did, things would be good.
And also, when I think he was mad too that when people have kids, they don't spend tons of money keeping the mothers quiet and buying them a house and keeping them out of the way.
Yes, that is true.
Yeah.
That shows parental responsibility.
And the dads today don't do that.
No.
I mean, he's setting an example.
When you bang your maid in your wife's bed and you impregnate her, what you do is you set her up with a nice little house in Bakersfield, and that's what Jesus would do.
A lot of people are so irresponsible, they'll only have one child with one woman at a time.
They don't care about selfish.
Very selfish.
You know, speaking, Arnold actually called me.
Hello, Jimmy Duard.
This is Al Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
This is the way everyone talks about my history of grubbing women.
I've been very upfront about my history of grubbing women.
I've admitted.
But one time.
10 years ago.
I grew up the lady so hard that it's made of baby.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human life.
That should be the story.
No one is talking about it.
Goodbye.
Very articulate.
Very articulate.
I have heard that message before, and it gets better.
It gets better every time you hear it.
Actually, I'm going to play that one more time for people.
I want him to hear it.
Okay, here we go.
Right?
Because, you know, Arl doesn't call it.
Jimmy Duardis is Al Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
This is the way everyone talks about my history of growing women.
I've been very upset about my history of grubbing women, I've admitted.
But one time.
Ten years ago.
I grow the lady so hard that it's made of baby.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human life.
That should be the story.
No one is talking about it.
Goodbye.
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
I didn't think I would be having this much fun ever with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but we are.
Okay, so we'd even get to our last oh my God clip.
So here's, of course, and then we have the standard Glenn Beck stops in to scare the hell out of people.
What's happening and scare the hell out of me, Land?
Things in Israel are going to get bad.
They're going to spread across the Middle East.
The things that I've told you are coming will come.
It's only a matter of time.
And there are forces in this land and forces all over the globe that are trying to destroy us.
Okay, be careful.
They're coming forward.
They're trying to destroy us.
There's force, and everything I said that is going to happen is going to happen.
You could put him in an Ed Wood movie and people would go, that's a little much for the movie.
How is he not standing on a corner wearing like a gunny sack gown with a sign in his hand?
I'm with you.
He's that guy.
He is.
They don't have those guys on the corner anymore because there's Fox News.
There's Fox News.
They don't need a bullhorn.
Yeah.
Okay, Glenn, close it out with something extra crazy for me.
I want you to know the very gates of hell are going to open up.
Not to be an alarmist.
Wow.
Okay.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Don't forget the Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free at iTunes or for other ways to subscribe.
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Well, it's pronounced Door, but it's spelled D-O-R-E.
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Okay, welcome back to the show.
I am in studio joined by Frank Conniff from CinematicTitanic.com and from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Also with us from Dinner and a Movie on TV as Paul Gilmartin, although Dinner and a movie will not be with us after September 10th, making it an extra tough September 11th this year for all of us.
And also from Team Tweeting at Team Yasamura.
You had some pretty great tweets lately, Robert.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Okay.
So.
Okay, right now.
So let's move on.
And so Newt Gingrich had his friend of the show.
Friend of the show.
So what happened was Paul Ryan came out with this budget, right, that cut slashed Medicare and cut taxes on the wealthy and did everything that people don't want them to be doing.
But they did it.
And they're going to make you like it.
So and then so he goes home.
So Paul Ryan goes home to his district to have a town hall meeting.
And they say, hey, why don't you quit cutting Medicare?
Why don't you tax the top 2% and we could solve this balanced budget problem?
And so here's what he tells them that we are taxing the top 2% here.
How's how they reacted?
We do tax the top.
The top is right now.
Okay, so that's how that's how his town hall went.
It sounds like my last set at the comedy store.
And then he went on TV, and how did he describe it?
So first of all, I would simply say that our town hall meetings went phenomenally well.
Mine was kicking up.
And by phenomenally well, he means they booed him.
And that was some of the best booing he's ever heard.
I mean, it was better than in a Packers game when Brett Favre was playing again.
So it was really good.
So the problem.
So everybody thought the problem.
Well, before we even get to his problem, he gave a speech Friday night before he went on Meet the Press and ruined his career.
He went and he gave a speech.
This is Gingrich.
This is Gingrich.
And now he does, he uses the dog whistle politics.
Now, what a dog whistle politics.
It's when you use coded words to appeal to the dark side of human beings, right?
So like if you're talking about blacks and you want to appeal to racists, you'll refer to them as welfare queens or whatever, you know, so stuff like that.
And or if you were wanted to get the evangelical Christians, you would make some kind of coded references to the Bible that normal people wouldn't pick up on.
So here he is in Atlanta, Georgia, in front of a Christian group set up by Ralph Reed, who was, I thought, discredited a couple of years ago because he was in bed with Jack Abramoth, and they were setting up slave labor offshore under the guise of Marianas Islands, right?
Yes, yes, under the guise of what.
Except they're doing that in Wisconsin now.
No, it's not a big deal.
The Republican Party is like the X-Files.
No character is gone for good.
Okay, so here is in Atlanta giving a speech, and let's listen to some of the dog whistle.
President Obama is the most successful food stamp president in American history.
More people are on food stamps today than at any point in American history, and he's proud of it.
Okay, and he's proud.
Okay, so there, so he said that.
And then he went on to say this.
I always say that to become an American citizen, immigrants ought to have to learn American history.
Oh, please applaud.
Please applaud.
Damn, immigrants.
But maybe we should also have a voting standard that says to vote as a native-born American, you should have to learn American history.
Ah, sure.
Like a little poll test, you know?
And so how could that be seen as a negative thing in the South?
Was that ever used to discriminate against people?
Oh, maybe it was.
So you got that.
So he wants a poll test.
He called him the food stamp president.
And then.
And I like how people being on food stamps has no relation to deregulation by conservatives and the banking industry failing.
No, no.
No.
No.
So then he went on.
I don't have this clip from the speak, but I have somebody covering this part of the speech.
Here we go.
Gingrich also called the 2012 election the most important since 1860.
Here's business week.
Republican Newt Gingrich is casting the 2012 presidential election as the most consequential since the 1860 race that elected Abraham Lincoln to the White House and was followed by the Civil War.
Okay, so he's going.
Yeah, we got the food stamp president.
We've got a poll test.
And then he said this.
He follows the same destructive political model that destroyed the city of Detroit.
Okay, so he's really a nice dog whistle there.
So he's really pushing a lot of good buttons.
So then he goes on the David Gregory.
I thought you said dog whistle, not go and grab the dog and bring him over here.
Yes, that's really not a dog whistle.
Laura Trombone.
Yes, or a Sachs.
I like this segment.
So here, or maybe a dog tuba.
I still say he killed the dog and dragged it to his side on that one.
So here he is on Meet the Impressed the Meet with David Gregory.
By the way, people are giving David Gregory kudos for catching Newt Gingrich last weekend.
Much like KD Kirk, he just happened to be the guy sitting there when they screwed up.
It wasn't through anything that he did.
It wasn't through any great reporting.
So here he is, but he does confront Newt Gingrich on his dog whistling.
Here we go.
First of all, you gave a speech in Georgia with language a lot of people think could be coded racially tinged language calling the president, the first black president, a food stamp president.
What did you mean?
Dave, what was the point?
That's bizarre.
That's bizarre.
Yeah, you know what's bizarre?
Is that your race baiting got so sloppy that even David Gregory was able to smile?
That's what's really, so now everybody got it.
So you said from the Grand Dragons to Snow Eagles, everybody got the message and it was understood loud and clear.
Barack Obama is not one of us, but you are.
Okay, we got it.
All right.
Even the John Birch Society said that's a little much.
Yeah, that's a little much.
And I love when he gets confronted about it, he's like, oh, come on, Dave, what are you talking about?
Oh, come on.
You might as well say, come on, you know, you can't have candy before dinner.
And black people aren't as qualified to be president.
Come on.
And Sarah Palin on Hannity yesterday said that David Gregory was racist for asking him that, that David Gregory was the racist.
Really?
Again, the victimization of the perpetrator.
Right, right.
So he had a little bit more.
He said, it's bizarre.
This kind of automatic reference to racism.
Every time you hear racism is really starting to piss me off.
You can't have an if you're going to automatically call out racism when you see it.
I don't know.
And what would he know about food stamps?
Because they don't accept them at Tiffany's.
I've seen Newt Gingrich.
He'd take your food stamps if he could get a bite.
He would, yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay, so the thing that, so there was his race baiting, which I thought was kind of extra crazy, and that he got called on it.
And he can't use the birth certificate anymore because remember, this isn't even as bad as before when he talked about Obama believes in a colony, anti-colonial, Kenyan anti-colonial.
Oh, that was a great question.
Yeah, I remember that, yeah.
So he had a little bit more to say.
Let's hear.
This is the president of the United States.
The president of the United States has to be held accountable.
Now, the idea that, and what I said is factually true, 47 million Americans are on food stamps.
One out of every six Americans is on food stamps.
And to hide behind the charge of racism, I have never said anything about President Obama, which is racist.
Okay.
Okay.
You got it, Newt.
You got it.
If I'd called him the lunch counter president, wink wink, I would have been right too, because a lot of people eat at lunch counters under this president.
Why don't you call him the basketball president?
Because a lot of people like basketball.
Sure, it's factually correct.
A lot more people are going to basketball games.
The other ironic thing is that Gingrich was a huge fan of government cheese.
He just ate it.
So Newt Gingrich goes on.
So he's on with David Gregory, and he says this.
Now, in light of what has happened, how he screwed up and got the whole entire Republican Party to turn against him, just keep this in mind.
This is what he said during that same interview.
Somebody who offers to lead America has to be much more disciplined and much more thoughtful than an analyst.
Analysts can say anything to because there's no downside.
But the person to whom you're entrusting leadership of the United States had better think long and hard before they say things.
He's just.
So is that him resigning?
Is that taking his hat back out of the ring?
And then he went on to say that he made the gaffe so big, it ended his political career.
You better think long and hard.
I mean, it's just.
And I am not that guy.
And I am not that guy because watch this.
I'm going to say this.
So when he was asked about Paul Ryan's plan to end Medicare as we know it and turn it into a voucher program, he said this.
I don't think right-wing social engineering is any more desirable than left-wing social engineering.
I don't think imposing radical change from the right or the left is a very good way for free society to operate.
I'm against Obamacare, which is imposing radical change, and I would be against a conservative imposing radical change.
Yes, so he's calling it radical change, which is what it is.
So what happened was, right, so people got Newt Gingrich got the word.
People are against this bill.
They're against Paul Ryan's thing by upwards of 80%.
I've seen polls.
So he wants to be the first Republican to jump on this, off the sinking ship onto the lifeboat.
Well, that's the thing is that, you know, I would think that, you know, what I thought was the motivation behind what he was saying is that he doesn't want to be associated with the whole Republicans destroying Medicare.
He's trying to get away from that in those statements.
That's what I think.
Yes.
He wants to be the guy.
Listen, I don't want to be, I don't want to destroy Medicare.
Right.
But which is what he essentially said.
But now that he's being criticized, he's backtracking on it.
And, you know, he would have been better off just saying, you know, I'm not one of you guys who wants to destroy Medicare.
Well, the thing is, is in the Republican Party, one of the rules that Reagan set down, and I mean, what he wrote down is you do not criticize other Republicans.
You might say, well, I'm not, I don't really agree with that.
You can get away with that, but you can't throw a bomb like this.
He threw a Molotov cocktail in the sense, like, listen to the inflammatory language he uses.
He says, you know, social engineering, which is a huge Republican buzz term that they use against Democrats and radical change.
And so he didn't just distance himself from this, which is what he should have done.
He went.
Right, in the language he used and everything.
Oh, my God.
It's really good for the Democrats because it just shows that in the Republican Party, unless you are part of the Paul Ryan plan, you are outside of the mainstream, and the Paul Ryan plan is incredibly unpopular.
So how will the Democrats manage to fumble this ball?
They'll figure out a way to.
They'll also figure it out.
Well, they're already agreeing to Medicare cuts.
They already like Dick Durbin.
All the Democrats are saying, hey, we have to rein in entitlements.
No, you don't have to cut people's medical care in America.
You don't have to do that.
We can afford to take care of ourselves.
We can afford to pay every medical bill that comes up in America.
We can do it.
Nobody, again, the way they're losing it isn't by not saying we need to cut defense in half.
You cut defense in half, raise those taxes that Bill Clinton had during the 90s, and we've balanced our budget.
That's all you have to do.
And we're on our way.
And we get to have everything we want.
But they won't do that.
And they'll keep giving subsidies to the oil companies, which is what's happening.
Well, and I think what's coming up right now is the debt ceiling issue.
And they're going to cave on that.
The Republican Party is going to get tax cuts on every entitlement in the bag because the Democrats are pussies.
I'm with you on that.
Okay, well, listen, we're up against a break.
When we come back, we're going to talk more about this.
We have some more clips from Newt Gingrich's backtracking, the spanking he got from William Bennett, and Eric Holder spanked him and told him what he had to do.
And well, we'll be right back after this.
This is the Jimmy Doer show on Pacific Coast.
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Now, back to the show.
Okay, welcome back.
I am joined in studio from cinematictitanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connick, Connick, Frank Connick Jr.
Frank Connick Jr., Frank Conniff is with us.
And from Dinner and a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, it's Paul Gilmartin and tweeting at Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura is with us.
What's coming up on the rest of the show where Jim Hightower is going to stop by and bum us out in a folksy voice?
We're going to get back to the rest of the crazy ramblings of Newt Gingrich.
We haven't heard the craziest stuff yet.
We've got a phone call coming up from Rapy LePue from the IMF.
And we also, Arnold Schwarzenegger calls in again.
And I think, if I'm not mistaken, Bill O'Reilly left me a message yesterday about the common situation at the White House and the poetry.
But right now, here's Jim Hightower.
This will seem like a fairy tale now, but not so long ago, it was actually possible for CEO pay to constitute an embarrassment of riches.
How quaint.
Today, the riches are massive.
But the embarrassment, gene, seems to have been completely bred out of corporate chieftains.
They have no shame at producing negative results and offing thousands of underlings, then wheeling in a front-end loader to haul their own pay to the bank.
The headman at Estee Lauder, for example, recently cut 2,000 employees, but grabbed a huge salary increase and new stock payments worth more than $24 million.
Are there no adults to supervise these corporate playgrounds and teach such concepts as humility and sharing?
Well, technically, the board of directors is supposed to provide corporate governance, including the setting of CEO pay.
But who's on these boards?
Mostly other members of the corporate brotherhood who want to keep executive pay levels rising.
And, of course, the chiefs themselves sit on their boards, usually chairing them.
The tale of boardroom coziness between directors and the bosses they supposedly govern was vividly revealed in the Wall Street crash of 2008.
Far from providing any reasonable restraints, few board members even questioned the casino games the banks were running, and fewer yet objected to giving reckless bankers billions of dollars in unwarranted bonuses.
Now, after the collapse, what has changed?
Nothing.
One survey of nine of the big banks we taxpayers bailed out shows that two-thirds of their failed board members are still there.
And once again, they're shoveling inexplicably huge bonuses at the same old CEOs.
This is Jim Hightower saying, a system that enriches executive elites while crushing the middle class is worse than an embarrassment.
It is morally untenable.
Okay, thanks, Jim.
Jim Hightower is here every week to bum us out in a folksy voice.
And you can catch him at jimhightower.com.
Okay, now let's get back to the rest of the And, well, you know what, before we get to that, actually, I wanted to let you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger actually called in.
Again, he left me another message.
Jimmy, it's me, Arnold.
Sorry, I drunk down you last night.
People seem upset that I had a child out of wedlock.
But there's a silver lining, Jimmy.
Everybody's talking about what an awful husband I was.
But that means they're not talking about what an awful governor I was.
And boy, it was a crappy governor.
Ah, man.
Did I stick up Sacramento at once?
There's some exciting news.
I'm going to be doing a crossover episode with Seth McFarland's new Flintstone Scatoon.
My character is going to travel back in time and impregnate Betty Rubble.
I think my 14-year-old son that I farted with my maid will really enjoy it.
Although I'm not sure his taste up because I don't think I've ever met him.
I was worried that this scandal would hurt my political career.
But then I remembered I don't have a political career anymore.
The only kind of eye of office I have to care about is my top floor office instead of monitoring right doing my stooping.
I am touching my secretary's boobies right now, but who cares?
I've gone back to being a selfish, narcissistic, sexual, predatory actor.
And it feels great.
I don't have to worry about the size of government anymore.
All I have to worry about is the size of my trailer instead of his next movie.
Jimmy, I guess what I'm trying to say is even though I've publicly humiliated my wife, inflicted permanent emotional scars on my children, and left a trail of pain and sorrow wherever I've been.
I'm feeling fine and life is good.
What can I tell you?
I'm a positive kind of guy.
I've always looked at women's breaths and buttocks through rose-colored glasses.
Yeah.
Well, Jimmy, I've got to go.
Because of all the craziness in my life lately, my office is a mess.
So I'm interviewing new maids today.
I'm excited about it because hiring a new maid gives me the opportunity to hurt the economy of California and possibly its population growth as well.
Goodbye for now.
Okay, Arnold Schwarzenegger letting us know how he feels.
Wow, I was a little more.
He drunk dialed the night before and he calls back and he got his head together and he's making a little more sense.
Okay, that's the Arnold we all know and love.
So let's get back to Newt Gingrich and let's just finish it off with, so he got his ass handed to him.
Bob Bennett handed his ass to him.
You know Bob Bennett, he's the nicest Christian to ever lose $5 million in casinos.
William Bennett.
What did I say, Bob?
Yeah, I met William Bennett.
Billy Bennett.
William Bennett.
He wrote the book of virtues, and then he went around moralizing on every TV show that would have him, pushing people's gods button to get Christians to buy his book of virtues so that he could take the profits and go right to Vegas.
Oh, I love that.
You got to love a guy named William Bennett.
And so he beat him up, and then Eric Cantor beat him up too.
Voted for the Ryan budget to somehow then portray that as a radical step, I think is a tremendous misspeak.
I think that many have said now he's finished.
I haven't had a chance to really dissect with him as to what in the world he's thinking, calling our plan radical.
So I probably would reserve judgment on that.
Perhaps he can come out and say he misspoke and get back on board with what we're trying to do.
Okay, well, let's so Newt Gingrich, let's see if he came out and said he misspoke and got on board with what they're trying to do.
Let's see.
I made a mistake.
Okay.
And I called Paul Ryan today, who's a very close personal friend.
I said that.
The fact is that I have supported what Ryan's tried to do on the budget.
Okay, so he's back on board.
I'm supporting Paul Ryan on the budget.
Now, people, and the big reason why the Republicans went crazy is because Newt's a former Speaker of the House.
He's a former Republican leader.
So they knew that when he was calling their plan currently a radical right-wing social organization, they knew that that was going to show up in campaign ads against every Republican in the House who voted for Paul Ryan's plan.
Every Republican in the House voted for Paul Ryan's plan, and he just called it radical right-wing social engineering.
But too late.
It's already.
So it's already out there.
So now they know they're going to put that in the...
And here's what he said about it.
So let me say on the record, any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood.
I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.
And you know, those and I said them.
And they say the only real gaff you can make in Washington is when the truth slips out.
Yeah.
And that's exactly what happened with Newt Gingrich.
The truth slipped out.
And now he's saying, anybody who uses that ad, it's false.
The things that they quote me accurately from what I was speaking on national television right after I said that the president has to think long and hard about what he says.
And then I said something.
If they quote that, it's false.
On the news show, he was ill-prepared for because he'd only been on 35 times.
He's only been on 35 times.
That's a scandal about Meet the Press, by the way, the fact that they've had him on so many times.
Yes, that should be a scandal about that.
How many times have you had Ralph Nader on?
How many times have you had the SCIU president on?
How many times have you had the AFL-CIO president on?
How many times have you had the head of Greenpeace on Meet the Press?
I'm going to guess once, maybe.
How many times have you had the union organizers for the head of the teachers' union on?
Maybe twice, and then they always bring that anyway.
You know, it's better they don't bring them on, actually.
The teachers' union.
Have you ever heard them speak?
Oh, my God, they make Harry Reid look like Barack Obama.
So he went on, and so if we get through the Newt Gingrich thing, he apologized.
He's a hypocrite.
He'll say whatever he has to get back.
Does his backpedaling counters cardio?
It does.
Because it's pretty intense.
It does.
He could use it, so that's good.
I think he got a stint that qualifies him.
So here he is talking about the real problem with healthcare anyway.
Here's the real problem, he says, because he's trying to get around.
He's for a mandate.
He said he was for a mandate.
He's got him on tape.
They asked him again.
In fact, here's what he said about the mandate.
I said consistently, we ought to have some requirement.
You either have health insurance or you post a bond, or in some way you indicate you're going to be held accountable.
That is the individual mandate, isn't it?
There's a variation on it.
So, yeah, so he's stuck.
So he's caught that he's for the individual mandate.
Okay.
So this, but then this is what this is why he tries to say he's for it.
This is what's really mucking up the healthcare system.
Ready?
There are an amazing number of people who think that they ought to be given health care.
And so a large number of the uninsured earn $75,000 or more a year don't buy any health insurance because they want to buy a second house or a better car or go on vacation.
And you and I and everybody else ends up picking up for them.
I don't think having a free rider system in health is any more appropriate than having a free rider system in any other part of our society.
Oh my God.
Did you catch what he just said?
The problem is why it's the people who make over $75,000 a year who want to buy a second house instead of getting I don't know anybody who fills that category.
Not a single person.
Everybody I know are people that are between jobs and accidentally get sick or get in an accident and we have to do a fundraiser for them.
Once I know once I hit the $75,000 a year mark, I'm like, house in Hampton's time.
And I'm losing my health coverage.
So does I, yeah, when we crack the $100,000 mark, I'm getting rid of the health care and we're going to buy a second harbor.
I'm going to have to fly my private jet to my second house.
That's right.
Yes.
So that's really the problem Newt Gingrich had.
It's an amazing amount.
He says it's an amazing number.
You can't even get a house if you're making $75,000 a year.
I know.
I know.
An amazing, amazing number.
You know why it's an amazing number?
Because it's so small.
It doesn't exist.
It's non-existent.
You just made it up.
So that was the part I thought, wow, they're going to really get him for this.
That's what I was watching.
I'm like, wow.
So here we go.
So now he tells us how he's going to create jobs.
Ready?
This is the same interview.
We know how to create jobs.
Ronald Reagan did it.
I was part of that.
We know how to create jobs.
We did it when I was speaker.
And how do you do it?
How do you create jobs?
Let me hear the trifecta.
Ready?
The way you create jobs is you have lower taxes, you have less regulation, you have litigation reform.
Okay, so there are less regulation because it has nothing to do with the joblessness right now.
Oh, my God!
You cut taxes, get rid of regulation, and you get rid of people's rights to sue corporations.
That's what he says, litigation reform.
That's what they mean.
Trust the man.
That's what he's saying.
He trusts the man.
Go to sleep.
The corporation is in control.
The corporation will take care of you.
So I just wanted to see.
So I decided to, you know, in that one like 15-second soundbite, he packed so many right-wing talking points into it.
I wanted to ring a bell every time he kind of pandered and said a right-wing talking boy.
Let's see.
We know how to create jobs.
Ronald Reagan did it.
That's right.
I was part of that.
Sure.
We know how to create jobs.
We did it when I was speaker.
And the way you create jobs is you have lower taxes, you have less regulation, you have litigation reform.
Okay, there you go.
That's the trifecta.
And you start hanging foreigners.
Oh, wait, that was the one I was just supposed to keep to myself.
You see, he just slipped it all in there.
And he's like, that's right.
We created jobs.
And by we, I mean all of us, the common people, not those wealthy elites.
And it was us.
And Ronald Reagan did it.
Yeah, that's right.
I just mentioned the master himself, Ronald Reagan.
And I was there when we did it.
That's right.
Did you hear that, mother?
I touched him.
I touched him myself.
And by the transitive power, I am now awesome myself.
I am Newt Gingrich.
Vote for me.
That's really the translation of what he just said.
Yeah.
Okay.
So should we get rid of that?
So that's our.
Ronald Reagan, the hero who knew that you really had to give AIDS a good 10-year window before you could become alarmed.
Yeah, it couldn't even say AIDS, right?
Ronald Reagan, who actually raised taxes, but will never, history will never recognize that.
And Bill Clinton, too, who he takes credit for being there when the economy was good, when Bill Clinton was president, Bill Clinton also raised taxes.
And Bill Clinton set the stage for our financial failure right now.
He and Reagan with their deregulation.
Deregulation.
Yes, it was funny that Clinton at the right.
Yes, he capitulated to Wall Street.
He becomes worse and worse of a president, literally, as every year goes by.
His mistakes compound themselves, Bill Clinton.
Yes, but then Barack Obama goes and makes the exact same mistakes.
You know, I don't know if that's true.
He came to the point.
Well, he did balance the budget at the time.
But who couldn't have balanced it when there was no global economy, when the United States still had the leverage and the internet hadn't leveled the planes?
I'll give you two guys who couldn't, Ronald Reagan and George Bush I. Well, the Internet hadn't really kind of.
So people say the dot-com bubble helped him.
But he did have the right tax policies and he did keep us out of war.
And his foreign policy was like, you know, he didn't.
He was dealing with Iraq and he was dealing with Afghanistan.
He didn't lead us into war.
He was actually dealing with them, you know, quietly and carefully and thoughtfully.
You know, he knew Bin Laden was his public enemy, number one.
Yes, he dealt with these things effectively.
He did backdoor issues with North Korea.
Hey, that's his don't ask, don't tell policy.
That would be a bag of boobs.
Folks.
But listen, the IMF guy, Rapy LePue, actually called me.
Oh, Monique?
Yeah.
Hello, GB Dar.
Bonjour.
This is Dominique Stafkan, president of the International Monetary Fund, calling Farm Jane.
They have given me my own sweet secrets, the lovely Idira Carl.
And they give me a wonderful call.
And I said to her, GB Dar.
And they said, usually people call that lawyer.
And I said, I have the ear of the whole world.
Jimmy.
They say a rap a girl.
I did enough.
It was consensual.
She came into my hotel room where I stood a naked bird and a fat somber man.
Behold my thunder European mushroom cap.
And she fell to her knees, overcome with bashon, and cooked my cock of van slowly yet easily like Alice Waters.
At least that is how my cognac of the brain process the memory.
Who knows?
Maybe I did rape her after all.
Such are the mysteries of life, Jimmy Darrell.
And this lady was from the third world, too.
I would never rape anyone from the third world.
That is not what we as the International Monetary Fund do.
No, no, no.
We help these people.
Some say we leverage predatory loans against the governments of developing nations at exorbitant interest rates concerning the unwilling populations of these countries to a crushing tax burden.
But it is consensual.
This is the engulfed genitalia of our IMFSX and cannot control themselves, Jimmy.
And what better way to prepare these villagers to be a part of the developed world than getting used to predatory loans and exorbitant portraits?
They thank us for these kindnesses by allowing multinational corporations to strip them of the right of collective bargaining, enforced by the barrels of the guns of the brutal regime we loaned to in the first place.
Now, does that sound like rap to you, Jimmy?
No.
It is for the gentle caress of an attentive lover.
Speaking of, I'm not sure I will pay these legal bills that seem to me nothing here in New York City.
Looks like I will have to find the last vestige of a basic human right that remains in Bolivia and privatize it.
Maybe next we can figure out how to bundle oxygen shelves.
Sailor girl.
Anyway, let me in your show sometime, Jimmy Dar.
We will talk about French politics.
And maybe then I can rape you or one of your boys in the studio for your funny time show.
Wow, for a guy on Suicide Watch, he sounds pretty cheerful.
He's very up.
He really is very up.
That's just how the French are.
And that's like specifically how he sounds.
It wasn't just some general French accent.
No, no, no.
That's exactly how.
You know, the interesting about, interesting thing I found, I was watching The Morning Joe, as you know, I like to watch.
You like to start your day off angry.
I started off.
Yes.
That's actually how I end my day.
Yeah.
I watch The Morning Joe, and then I go to sleep.
And so they were talking about how the French are upset.
Well, here, I'll just play the clip.
The French are steaming over how he's being treated.
French journalists and politicians are outraged over images of Straska's being paraded in handcuffs in front of the media.
It's New York City, baby.
Get out.
We call that a purple.
They would do that.
So now they're showing video of him.
So they have, so they have like five guys walking him out.
He's in handcuffs.
They have five guys around him in handcuffs.
So they're parading it.
So they take him out and they walk him like, I don't know, it's got to be 75 feet from wherever the door is to the car.
And there's a thousand million flashbulbs going off, taking pictures.
And the guy that's like, I thought about it, like, wow, that looks horrible.
Like, what if this guy's innocent?
Look how horrible that looks.
Right?
You know what I mean?
It's like, but they would do this to anybody.
They would do this to, you know, it looks like this guy's not innocent.
But let's say some people are innocent, obviously.
So they would do this to someone who was innocent.
You know what I mean?
And the people in France are upset about it.
And they even went so far as to say this.
By the way, they're right to be.
I think so too.
I never thought about it before.
Here's what the guy from France says.
Well, in France, a law makes it a crime to publish photos of an identifiable person in handcuffs who has not yet been convicted.
We're not in France, are we?
The former French justice minister, whose name is on that law, said the pictures of Straskan in cops were, quote, a brutality, a violence, of an incredible cruelty, and I'm happy that we don't have the same judiciary system.
So are we.
This from the same country, yes, exactly.
And now watch Joe Scarborough.
Can you put together two totally unrelated things to try to discredit this idea?
This is from the same country that did deals with Saddam Hussein for decades.
Okay, I don't know what that has to do with their handcuff law.
And then we did deals with Saddam Hussein for decades as well.
So nobody could ever.
So France never gets to say anything ever about anything because they did deals with Saddam.
I love the righteousness in his voice.
Like, yeah, you're not in France.
You're in America.
Yeah.
And he's almost saying, like, you're in the old West where we take care of the situation with a rope, a tree, and a horse.
Yeah, we don't enjoy your crepe.
We're in the Thunderdome.
Yeah, we don't need anything.
Don't we give our perps the right to dignify themselves by covering their faces as they as they walk?
No, the guy was handcuffed.
He couldn't.
Yeah, usually they do like that.
The thing is, that's a setup.
You know that it's a setup.
Like, they could have arranged for him to surrender.
They could have taken him out the back.
Yes.
But the press was notified that he was going to be arrested.
They made sure that they were set up by the NYPD.
To me, this is just, to me, this is no different as an idea.
Maybe in gradation, it's different than when a soldier in Afghanistan were killing those people and taking pictures with them.
Well, let me ask you guys this.
Why is it okay then for us to mock this guy, not knowing whether or not he's innocent or guilty?
Because we're coming, we have no sense of moral force.
That's really fair, but it's really funny.
No, no, because people know we're comedian.
We're not new.
And we're not parading him outs outside.
If the comedians took him out and handcuffed him.
But we're piling on him as if he is guilty.
I mean, I think we all probably are 99% sure he is guilty.
But I don't think making jokes about someone is anywhere near as bad as parading someone.
But being a law enforcement official and parading them in hand.
But you know what, though?
I mean, it wasn't just the parading him.
And then they had like Kathy Griffin interviewing him on the red carpet.
It was just people from me asking him who he was wearing.
I mean, it just was wrong.
Hey, Bill O'Reilly called in.
He had something to say about that common controversy.
Door, this is O'Reilly.
You know, you really got to answer your phone one of these days.
Anyway, you need to have me on your show for a debate.
Like I debated that unfunny gutter snipe, Jon Stewart Levovitz, his real name, by the way, Jewish guy, no problem with that.
Over this situation regarding the rapper Carmen being invited to the White House.
And don't give me this crap about me being anti-hip-hop.
That's bull.
I love hip-hop.
Boomouse.
Like that part in the Blondie song when Debbie Harry starts rapping or that Trudy Bebbles commercial from 1990 when Fred and Barney break it down.
Those are good raps.
But there's bad rap, too.
Rap with violent or socially inappropriate messages.
Like the Sugar Hill gang.
I mean, come on, gang is right there in the name.
P.M. Dawn, De La Soul, Will Smith, all gangsters.
And then you got this hood rat Common.
He's the worst of the bunch.
And this is not about a rapper being invited to the White House.
In fact, as much as I disagree with the president's approach to almost everything, I respect the fact that he has honored at least one 200-year-old tradition using African Americans to entertain white elites during official state functions.
No, my beef is with the common guy's lyrics.
Now, I haven't heard them or read a transcript or really have any idea of what they're about, but nervous white people have complained about them, and that's good enough for me.
Apparently, in one of his songs, a white authority figure is taken down.
And that's just all too Nat Turner for my taste.
You can't have it.
You can't have it.
If a muscular black guy is talking about white people and his raps, they better be getting a back massage or receiving Build-A-Bears or something nice.
Otherwise, white people get very nervous, Jimmy.
That's just how it is.
I can't control what makes white people nervous.
All I can do is respond reflexively and hyperbolically when they do.
That's my job, Jimmy Dorse of Perception.
White nervousness is like jumping the water for Fox News.
In fact, our studio is actually a converted old bunker white people built in the 1830s in case of a slave revolt.
Bet you didn't know that.
Our morning show was originally going to be called Fear of a Black Planet, but there was some sort of copyright problem with these public enemy guys, so they had to use Fox and friends instead.
So that's where we're coming from over here.
Anyway, Jimmy, contact me on the secret ham radio frequency reserved for white resistance during the upcoming race wars.
Okay, Bill O'Reilly, getting it done.
And I want to thank everybody who helps write today's show: Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, and that's Mike McRae, also doing the voice of Bill O'Reilly and all the other celebrity voices.
And I want to thank my producer, Ali Lexa, and everybody who was a guest today.
Frank Conniff, Paul Gillmartin, Robert Yasimura.
That's our show.
I'll see you this weekend in Atlanta and next weekend in Houston.
And the weekend after that, June, the first weekend of June, I'll be in Sunnyvale at Rooster T Feathers.
And don't forget, June 11th, popping politics at Meltdown Comics.
We'll all be there.
Okay, everything's available at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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