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May 6, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:15:54
20110506_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_May_5_2011
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Hi, everybody.
Before we get to today's show, I wanted to let you know about a special comedy show I'm doing next week, May 12th.
It's called The Subversive Comedy Show.
We do them once a month, and it's at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California.
It's a great club, but here's the guest lineup.
We're having from Mr. Show, Karen Kilgariff, is going to be playing some hilarious songs.
Karen Kilgareth will be there.
Kyle Kinane, if you know anything about anything, you know, Kyle Kinane is one of the hottest comics going on right now.
Brendan Walsh, who is hilarious, was just on Conan O'Brien.
Who else is going to be there?
Todd Glass.
You know, if you know, if you like anything funny, you'll like Todd Glass.
I'm going to be there.
It's going to be a great show.
So that's next Thursday, May 12th, at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
And you can go click on the link at my website if you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
It's on the right-hand side.
I'll see you there.
Show your medical marijuana license.
You get in half price or two for one.
Look at that.
And it's going to be a great show.
Okay, see you then.
Now enjoy today's show.
We'll be right back.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say it's hard to talk in your T-Bag.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
Now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in studio in Studio B in Pasadena from CinematicTitanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Frank, you're looking very summery.
Oh, am I really?
Oh, it's too bad.
This is the radio.
I know, no.
People can't tell.
I don't, you know, I like, you know, you do the radio and trunks, and a lot of people know that.
Only trunks.
To his left from Team Yasamura, it's Robert Yasimura.
How are you, buddy?
He couldn't do better.
Okay, he's our Asian representative.
And next to him, from Dinner and a Movie on TVS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
Did I say it correctly?
You did.
It's Paul Gil Martin.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, James.
Okay, so what are we going to talk about this week?
Well, I had to scrounge to find up something.
Not much going on.
So we're going to talk about the royal wedding.
Okay.
All right.
We'll get to it.
Barack Obama.
All right.
The nicest Nobel Peace Prize winner to ever preside over three wars simultaneously.
Just successfully ordered his first contract killing.
And we're going to take a look at it and see if it hurts his peace prize credentials and then how the press covered it.
The important thing is how the press frames it.
How do they go at it?
Well, here's Nightline.
Right now, somewhere on planet Earth, a U.S. Navy SEAL is walking around thinking, I just shot Osama bin Laden in the face.
Okay.
And right now there's a TV executive thinking, I wish I could shoot myself in the head.
And we look at the somber tone that was struck by our college students as they pondered the real meaning of Osama bin Laden's death.
You're all students, right?
Yes!
So how are you feeling about what happened to him?
I feel great right now.
It's America.
It's time to party right now.
He's dead.
Seems for the kids that finally killing Osama bin Laden has made American Jews pensive about the true cause of the war on terror.
But it's also sparked an old debate.
Here's chairman of the Homeland Security Committee in the Congress, Peter King.
You mentioned the fact that we obtained information several years ago, vital information about the courier for Obama.
We obtained that information through waterboarding.
And so for those who say that waterboarding doesn't work, they say that it should be stopped and never used again.
We got vital information which directly led us to Bin Laden.
Wow.
Also, wait, wait, let me stop you there.
I did not know that, and I'm sure most of my audience did not at all.
Key information we got on a very, very vital.
That is absolutely fascinating.
Absolutely fascinating.
You're not going to hear that on the other networks, I guarantee you.
No, you are not until they book Peter King, and then you're going to hear it on there.
And see, that's what you're saying.
You torture somebody, and bam, eight years later, you got your man.
That's why torture is good.
It gets you inside of a decade.
It stops the ticking time bomb.
The ticking time bomb has a very long, long series with the calendar inside of it.
The White House.
Plus, we're going to talk about the White House Correspondence Dinner happened.
That's right.
And it was really nice to see the media get a chance to suck up to power and formal wear.
Seth Meyers did some jokes, and we're going to break them down.
Plus, Jim Hightower stops by to bum us out, and maybe even some more stuff.
That's this week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, now it's time for everybody's favorite segment.
I don't know if it's everybody's, but it's mine.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, now this is going to be an extended Oh my God this week.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
And there we go.
We got the reaction you're looking for.
On to the next.
You know what?
This could be called this segment of Oh My God could be subtitled the week in douchebaggery.
And this week we travel to the great state of Oklahoma, the state that recently voted to amend their constitution to ban Sharia law.
Yes, right.
And representing the 84th District of Oklahoma is douchebag Sally Kern.
Yes, this 64-year-old former teacher has represented the 84th in the Oklahoma State House since 2005.
But her breakout year was 2008.
Sally comes out at us with this old chestnut.
You ready here?
It's kind of hard.
You really can't hear the audio is a little muffled, but she's talking about gay people.
She said this in 2008.
They show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than a few days.
So it's Today.
This time you're gay, and this stuff is daily and it's spreading and it will destroy our young people.
It will destroy this nation.
She was asked if she would apologize for saying that about gay people, that if it's deadly and it's spreading and it's killing our young people.
And she said no, she had studies to back it up.
Does it mean I'm shallower if I'm more offended by the audio quality of that?
Was it that bad?
Should I take it out?
No, leave it in.
Okay.
Leave it in, but it's bordering on almost makes me want to jab an ice pick into my ear.
Well, it sounds like it was a part of a track on an old Pink Floyd album.
That's why, you know, I was looking for some type of reference to make about it.
It's just refreshing to know that you don't have to live around hills to think like a hillbilly.
You know, when she said that, she didn't apologize because she was just starting.
Yeah, that's right.
Because the same month that she introduced and authored a bill that would mandate students who cite young earth creationism in their work, they would still get passing grades in their science classes.
That was a bill that she forwarded.
And she's in later that same year, she co-authored a bill that students could not be penalized for religious content in their schoolwork.
Live the dream, Sally.
And by the dream, I mean the one in which the entire state public school system becomes as credible as Oral Roberts University.
Okay, but there's more.
In June 09, she then authored the Oklahoma Citizens Proclamation for Morality, which, among other things, would publicly blame homosexuality and President Obama's recognition of Gay Pride Month for the economic crisis.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Wow.
Do you feel the First Amendment?
Your ass is grass when Sally comes to town.
And I know what you're thinking.
What could Sally possibly do to top that level of ignorance and full-blown crazy?
Well, she does not disappoint fellas because about a week ago, Oklahomans were debating a constitutional amendment to outlaw affirmative action.
That's right.
Affirmative action in Oklahoma.
Really?
Affirmative action is a big problem in Oklahoma.
Pretty sure you could solve that problem by just giving bus tickets to anybody who'd rather not be living in Oklahoma.
Anyway, Sally was debating the subject and she said this.
You know, I think, you know, God gave us two ears so we could hear both sides of the argument.
We have heard tonight already that, well, in prison, there's more black people.
Yes, there are.
And that's tragic.
It's tragic that our prisons here in Oklahoma, what are they?
99% occupancy.
But the other side of the story, perhaps we need to consider: is this just because they're black that they're in prison?
Or could it be because they didn't want to work hard in school?
That's what happens.
I taught school for 20 years, and I saw a lot of people of color who didn't want to work as hard.
They wanted it given to them.
Matter of fact, I had one student that said, I don't need to study.
You know why?
The government's going to take care of me.
That's kind of revealing there.
So ignorant and really not a great speaker on top of it.
Yeah, you know, I think Katrina is a perfect example of the black people bringing it on themselves.
They had three full days.
They were warned to go ahead, get a college education, get a better paying job, and get an SUV.
And they chose not to.
How dare they not reverse 200 years of institutionalized racism?
How dare they?
Now, I will say in her defense, yes, there are people of every race that feed off the system, and people of color are certainly no exception to that.
But, you know, when there's a teacher telling you that the colored kids don't work as hard, it just, I don't understand how someone could say there's still institutional.
Her mistake, her mistake in modern Republicanism is not speaking in coded racist language.
She's speaking in blatant, overt racist language.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but can we get her pension back?
Ah, well, she went on.
She wasn't done.
She does because affirmative action not only handles the people of color, but it also handles women.
She had this to say about women.
Another thing we hear, and we heard about what women make.
Well, you know, they make 77 cents on a dollar less.
Well, did you know there's a study by Dr. Warren Farrell that when you take all variables in first of all, I think that I think it was Dr. Vinny Boombat that did that.
Here we go.
Here's the study.
Into account, for example, actual hours worked, experience, work hazards, commute distance, and performance evaluations for the same work women make more than men.
Did you know that?
Well, come on.
I do know it happened to come from Dr. Warren Farrell.
And that's like an unimpeachable source.
Yeah.
Even though I've just heard of him for the first time.
Yeah, and it's a study, so you know it's official.
She has more.
You see, women usually don't want to work as hard as a man because, I mean, get me, wait a minute.
Now listen to me.
Women, hang on.
Women tend to think a little bit more about their family, wanting to be at home more time, wanting to have a little more leisure time.
That's all I mean.
I'm not saying women don't work hard.
I think women work very hard, so don't take that the wrong way.
You just said that they didn't work as hard.
She just said that.
She just said, women don't.
I'm not saying that they don't work hard.
They just don't work as hard.
I want to know who she ran against that lost.
Well, in her last campaign in 2010, she's running against a woman, and in her campaign flyers that she sent around, she implied that her opponent was a lesbian.
Oh, my God.
That was part of like her.
She's great.
She's great.
That should get you more votes.
That's the thing.
More dudes would vote.
I would vote for that.
The thing is that she has a glass ceiling in her trailer.
Okay, she had a little bit more to say.
But that's factors you have to keep in mind.
Okay, women like to be willing to have a moderate work life with plenty of time for spouse and children and other things like that.
That's all I meant.
Okay?
They work very hard, but sometimes they aren't willing to commit their whole life to their job like a lot of men do.
That's all I meant by that.
So in your face, half the population of the earth, because Sally Kern just put you in your place.
And that place is not the workplace, baby.
And for this, she did apologize.
And then when she was formally reprimanded by the state assembly, she said in effect, I don't know why I'm being reprimanded.
I already apologized.
She was actually reprimanded.
They passed a bill to reprimand her for that.
And it passed 74 to 16, meaning 16 people didn't have a problem with anything she just said.
She never saw the reprimand because the person who was supposed to bring it to her was black.
He was too lazy.
All right.
And that.
This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was some, oh, my God.
I want to say that.
That was some.
Oh, my God.
That was long.
All right.
Now, let's get into the real story.
Okay, we're going to talk about Barack Obama, our favorite guy, put a bullet in the head of Osama bin Laden.
And so I'm watching, but I'm going to just take us through some of the television coverage of it, some of the news coverage.
And we'll start off with the clip I played at the top of the show.
I was watching Bill O'Reilly.
He had the chairman of the Homeland Security Department Committee and the Congress on Representative Peter King.
And here is a little bit of their conversation.
Right off the bat, tell me something I don't know.
Tell us something we don't know.
Well, I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but you mentioned the fact that we obtained information several years ago, vital information about the courier for Obama.
We obtained that information through waterboarding.
And so for those who say that waterboarding doesn't work, to say that it should be stopped and never used again, we got vital information which directly led us to bin Laden.
Wow.
Also, wait, wait, let me stop you there.
I did not know that.
I'm sure most of my audience did not at all.
Key information we got on a very, very vital.
That is absolutely fascinating.
Absolutely fascinating.
You're not going to hear that on the other networks, I guarantee you.
Okay, I don't even know why he says that.
But I've been hearing nothing but that.
And also just the idea.
Well, Peter King has just said this.
It has to be true.
You know, he doesn't like challenge at all.
Where did you hear that?
How do you know that?
Like as if Obama and his aides don't really have access to the real...
He doesn't really know.
Well, he's got to be credible.
He sounds like Albert Finney doing an American accent.
Doesn't he sound like Albert Finney?
Yes, he does.
Now, some people disagree with Peter King, like John McCain, who had just gotten briefed by CIA director Leon Panetta and was asked about the torture and if it had anything to do with this operation, and he said this.
So far, I know of no information that was obtained which could have been useful by, quote, enhanced interrogation.
Okay, so but and that was even backed up by Donald Rumsfeld.
Now, anybody who should know anything about torture, it would be Donald Rumsfeld, right?
So here's Donnie.
It is true, as I understand it, that some information that came from normal interrogation approaches in Guantanamo did lead to information that was beneficial in this instance, but it was not harsh treatments and it was not waterboarding.
Okay, so that was on Monday.
So he said, we got the information.
It wasn't harsh.
It wasn't the enhanced.
And they got some.
But some people disagree with him, with Donald Rumsfeld.
Like, for instance, anyone who suggests that the enhanced techniques, let's be blunt, waterboarding, did not produce an enormous amount of valuable intelligence just isn't facing the truth.
Okay, well, I wish you would go back and tell yourself that.
The torture isn't as painful as when they pull these facts out of their ass.
But, And so this really is bringing up this debate again, this torture debate.
And the reason why this debate is happening is because Barack Obama chose to not prosecute people who tortured.
And that's why it's still like this unsettled question.
And, you know, the reason why you have to prosecute people who tortured was because if you don't, then people will keep doing it in the future.
Right.
And there, you know, it's amazing how they're all latching on to torture and waterboarding as like, you know, the one thing that they want to emphasize is that we tortured and waterboarded people.
The one thing that to justify the incompetence of the Bush-Cheney administration.
Could we ease into the waterboarding and just waterboard Goldman Sachs executives and just see how that works?
Because I don't think anybody would oppose that.
No.
Well, but is it torture?
I mean, here's what Donny Rumsfeld said.
People are equating waterboarding with torture.
And I think that's a mistake.
Sure, of course you would because you were the guy who ordered it.
That would be you wouldn't want to.
Also, I don't understand by the logic.
If it isn't torture, then why is it, why do it?
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
If it doesn't make someone physically in enough pain to give up the information, and here's another thing.
If it does work, if, like he said, it was an enormously successful program, we got lots of information, why would you stop?
Why would you stop doing it?
Why wouldn't you do it all the time?
I have yet to hear someone ask a pro-torture person that question.
Well, the way waterboarding creates a heightened relationship between the lungs and oxygen.
Well, also, the way, you know, one of the reasons that no one is asking that is because the media seems to be in favor of torture.
Yes.
And I've noticed that like Brian Williams and I saw Martin Bashir, the way they phrase their question is, doesn't this prove that torture works and enhanced interrogation and waterboarding is a technique that we should use.
That's how when Brian Williams talked to Leanne Panetta, that's how he phrased his question from my memory.
Okay, you know, I did see that interview, but I don't remember.
My head was already spinning, and I was paying more attention to Leon Panetta in that, and he was really parsing his words to the point where it wasn't worth playing on the show.
But maybe the important thing was Brian Williams asking the question, and I missed it.
Well, I think a lot of people.
Thanks for embarrassing me on the show, Frank.
I think Brian Williams doesn't understand the real pain of torture.
I'm going to assume he's never had to watch his own show.
Well, a lot of the mainstream media, they know they're, they lean in favor of things like torture because the whole reason that it happened was the Iraq war, which they played a big part in making happen.
But I don't think Brian Williams even consciously does that.
I just think they're there.
I don't think it's at NBC News and the other major networks.
I don't think it's a conscious decision to censor things.
I think they just want to give just take the easiest route to presenting stuff.
When you talk about Brian Williams, I don't think that he's doing it consciously either.
I think the reason why he rose to that position is because it comes so unconsciously to him.
Yes.
Because it's such a reflex to him.
And he's not curious.
He doesn't seem to be a curious person.
It's not an important quality in journalism.
He doesn't seem to understand.
He doesn't seem to have a belief in the importance of what he's doing.
Yes.
He really does.
He doesn't think that he has a mission to inform people.
I don't think Brian Williams does that.
Or think about a standard that has maybe been lost.
Yeah, I would disagree with Frank.
I don't think that the media intentionally placates the right.
I think that in this instance, they went for torture because it's good.
It's prillient.
It's exciting.
It's glamorous.
There's something.
There's a sensational quality.
It's a sensational quality.
And the reality is all other intelligence gathering is incredibly dull.
Like it's really boring.
Sure.
It's certainly not as exciting as torturing someone.
That is certainly true.
Now, Donald Rumsfeld said that if you equate waterboarding with torture, it's wrong.
Well, let's ask a former CIA guy and the author of The Interrogator, does waterboarding break any laws or regulations, treaties, executive orders, anything like that?
But the fact is that it transgresses Uniform Code of Military Justice, the Convention Against Torture.
There's Neva Convention's Executive Order 12333 for the CIA.
It's quite clear.
Okay, so you are making a mistake if you say it's torture, I guess.
Even though it does all those things, because that's what Donald Rumsfeld said.
I don't even know what this clip is, and I'm going to play it.
People are equating waterboarding with torture, and I think that's a mistake.
Okay, I guess you would say so.
Let's be clear, Donald Rumsfeld didn't think that was a mistake, and one attorney at the White House thought that was a mistake.
Do you see Donald Rumsfeld tortured just because he's so angry that he's a senior and he still sounds like he's in puberty?
I think you're making a mistake when you're equating torture with torture.
I don't think that that's you really make a mistake when you equate torture with torture.
Donald Rumsfeld had a little bit more to say.
The president of the United States authorized the waterboarding.
It was done to three people by the CIA, not by the military, and it produced an enormous amount of very, very valuable intelligence information.
See, it's not torture because Donald Rumsfeld Said it wasn't because the president ordered it and because the CIA did it and it was only done to three people.
So if it's only done to three people, that means it's not torture.
What the hell?
What kind of logic is that?
And let's go back to the CIA guy.
That's the information that eventually broke the case and let us find Osama bin Laden was obtained a year after any enhancement interrogation techniques were stopped with him and had nothing directly to do with them.
So I think the answer for that narrow fact is that the current rewriting of history is wrong.
Okay, so let me ask you this, Jimmy.
Go ahead.
Let me throw the old, you know, the old hypothetical situation out at you that there is a bomb that is going to go off and somebody knows the code to it.
Would you torture that person to get the code?
And if you don't torture them, the bomb could go off in eight or nine years.
Is there an instance where you would torture them?
No, never.
So you would let the bomb go off and kill people.
Well, let me ask you this question.
Would you ever rape a baby to stop a bomb?
What is a baby wearing?
Oh, there is a huge part of our audience that just went to the bottom.
It just turns just turned off.
I know there are babies listening to this show.
They were very offended by that.
I mean, to me, you're not supposed to sacrifice who you are.
You have values.
And either you live by your value.
Jon Stewart said before: either you live by your values when it's hard to live by them, or they're not values.
They're just hobbies.
And so either you value humanity, either you think torture is beneath us as a species, either you value humanity or you don't.
And I that's.
And when you talk about torture being beneath us, that was a policy for a long time.
That was supposedly what America do it.
We don't do it.
Well, then what I'm asking you is: so you would let innocent people die to avoid torturing somebody who you know has blood on their hands.
First of all, this is a I'm just going to disagree with the premise.
I mean, I've never been presented with the Jack Bauer situation.
I've never seen, hey, there's this bomb.
We know this guy knows the code and he won't give it to us.
If someone can point me to that, this is what a hypothetical situation is.
Here's the deal.
But I'm saying that your wife, you would let your wife die rather than shake Muhammad.
Oh, no, no.
No, that's why you don't let the guy whose wife is being the hostage make the decisions on what to do.
That's why you don't let the guy.
Yeah, you gave the answer to Kakis, couldn't, my friend.
That's why you don't let, like, people go, would you want to have the guy killed?
So you would, in that instance, you would torture the guy to save your wife.
I would do a lot of crazy.
I want to torture the guy when they get my order wrong in the drive-through.
That doesn't mean that it's right.
That means that you don't let the victim of a crime decide what the punishment should be.
You let the society decide.
And how come it suddenly became, you know, after all these years in America, that like now it's like that's a thing we have to grapple with.
Is it okay to torture people to get information that would prevent a horrible thing from happening?
We went years and years and years and years without even considering that.
Why in the last 10 years is that suddenly something that everyone has to consider?
I'm pretty sure 9-11 would not have been prevented by torture.
And 9-11.
It would have been pretty good.
Prevented by competence, by competence on the part of the people who could have stopped it.
How did we beat the Nazis without torture?
How did we, I mean, if we can be.
It was a conventional war, which we're not fighting anymore.
And I'm not saying we should torture.
just want to play devil's advocate here because a lot of times it's for liberals that all agree with each other.
Let me say this.
First of all, that situation has never come up.
The people have been tortured.
There was never a ticking time bomb.
Second of all, if – I'll tell you what.
Every CIA agent ever, if you – Look, if every intelligence officer ever, if you think this is a ticking time bomb situation, have that.
Okay.
But be willing to accept the consequences.
Yes.
If it wasn't a ticking time bomb, then you have to go to jail for torture.
You have to take the consequences.
Even if it was a ticking time bomb, if you are willing to put your skin in the game, you torture a guy, he gives up the information, the bomb gets diffused, you're going to jail anyway.
Fine.
I have no problems with that situation.
Well, let me just say it's just bad policy.
It's not that it's immoral.
It's just bad policy.
It's both.
It doesn't work.
And, you know, that whole thing of what if the guy knows the code?
Khali Sheikh Mohammed, they're saying that he gave up the courier's name.
That's how they got him.
He didn't give up the courier's name.
He gave up that information a year after they waterboarded him.
So the waterboarding did not produce the information they're claiming it produced.
They got that through regular techniques.
So even if there was a ticking time bomb, they didn't get even.
And all of the CIA and all the people who are doing this mundane, methodical work, gathering intelligence, they don't get any praise from the Republicans or anything.
All the people who really played a part in helping us catch Obama, they go without, it's only the person who tortured someone that they're willing to.
Because I think that's at the heart of people that are unhealthily to the right is they get off on punishment.
And I think people that are unhealthily to the left, they get off on trying to save everybody.
Okay, you know what?
Bill O'Reilly actually called in and he had a little problem.
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill O'Reilly.
I've been hearing that you and your little liberal pinhead friends on your little radio show over there in Calby Wood, California, have been disputing my claim that the intelligence that led us to the Abanabad four seasons over there where that coward bin Laden was hiding was obtained through waterboarding.
Now, Jimmy, if you were a real American and watched the O'Reilly factor, you would have seen that Representative Peter King from New York said so on my show, and I agreed, and that means it's true.
There's your veracity right there, pal.
QED.
And just because King looks like the bad guy from Tommy Boy doesn't mean that he doesn't know his stuff.
He's been an ardent supporter of the IRA in the past.
So he knows about terrorism because he is personal friends with terrorists himself.
But the white kind, the kind we like.
Not those dirty bearded sandblasters over there.
Now, the British tried waterboarding a top IRA guy in the 90s who got no information, granted.
But then they replaced the water with Jamesons, and under whiskey boarding, he gave up half of Belfast and his daughter's hand in marriage.
Because that's why these people tick.
Well, thank you, lucky stars, for waterboarding, you goddamn comedy queer.
You know, okay, Bill O'Reilly, letting him letting it be known how he feels.
And this is the Jimmy Doerr show on Pacific.
Hello, podcast listeners.
Oh, it's a fun show, especially fun show for me today.
Bill O'Reilly's really, really tickling me.
And there's two more Bill O'Reilly's coming up in the next half hour.
And by far, this is my opinion, the funniest Barack Obama that Mike McRae has ever done.
So stay tuned for that.
Plus, there's lots more.
But right now, we have to take care of a little business.
Maybe you're one of the people saying to yourself, gosh, I really love this show, and I want to make sure it keeps coming to me.
What can I do to help support the show?
Well, you're in luck.
Because if you're going to send flowers this Mother's Day, we've got a deal set up through ProFlowers.com.
And what is the deal, Jimmy?
I just want to get to it right away.
Here is the deal: you get a dozen roses plus a free vase for $19.99.
That's quite a deal.
And here's an even more of a deal.
If you want to double the roses, get two dozen, it's only $10 more, and you get some chocolates with that too.
That's kind of like a crazy deal.
And I'm going to tell you, it really helps out the show.
Yes, this is a great way to help out the show.
If you've been looking, if you haven't donated, or if you've been looking to find, here it is.
You go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, and you type in Jimmy D. And that's how, that's how it all gets tracked back to the Jimmy Door show.
Yeah, that's what we came up with, Jimmy D. So you go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, and you type in Jimmy D, and here's the deal: you get a dozen roses in a vase for $19.99 for Mother's Day.
But you got to do that by Friday night by midnight.
Okay, that's May 6th.
So if you don't listen to the show until Saturday, they haven't figured out a way for us to get in on this.
But if you listen to it before and you're going to order some flowers and you're looking for a way to make sure the Jimmy Door show keeps coming to you, this is a great way to do it.
You go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, type in Jimmy D. Okay, and then you're going to get the deal.
Or you could also call 1-800-P-R-O Flowers and mention Jimmy D, and you'll get that deal too, and it'll help out the show.
Isn't this nice?
People, you guys get some great flowers, and they guarantee their flowers stay fresh for a week.
I ordered through Pro Flowers.
I've actually gotten flowers for my mother through Pro Flowers, and everybody was happy all the way around.
And that's their guarantee.
Your flowers will stay fresh for a week.
Isn't that something?
So that's until midnight on Friday night, May 6th.
You can get that deal.
And it's a great way to help the show.
And I say thank you.
My mother is actually out here right now in California.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that nice?
My mother's out here.
I'm going to make a couple of lasagnas.
We're going to be, we're going to, oh, it's going to be nice.
It's like half my family's out here right now.
I don't know.
If you don't know about me, I come from a big family, 12 kids.
I'm the youngest boy, six older brothers.
Anyway, my mom and dad are out here.
They don't come out to California much.
We're from Chicago.
Anywhere they're here.
I'm spending Mother's Day.
I'm making a couple of different kinds of lasagna, and I'm going to get my mom some flowers.
That's what I'm going to do.
Okay, thanks for your support.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Here comes the exorcist of the second half.
Here comes the exorcist of the second half.
Okay, welcome back to the show.
I am joined in studio by Frank Conniff and Robert Yasimura and Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, fellas.
Thanks for the second half of the show's coming up.
What's coming up?
Well, Jim Hightower is going to stop by and bum us out in a folksy voice.
Joe Scarborough, he goes left to right with some false equivalencies.
We're going to talk about Brian Williams' coverage of the shooting of Osama bin Laden.
Plus, we're going to break down Seth Meyers set at the correspondence dinner.
Okay, but right now, here's Jim Hightower.
House Speaker John Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor, and Budget Chairman Paul Ryan like to portray themselves as the three budgeteers.
Decrying deficits, the GOP's sharp-eyed slashers of federal spending are galloping through Congress with swords flashing, severing billions, nay, trillions from the national budget.
Medicare for seniors, behead it.
Food stamps for the poor, whack them.
Environmental protections, eviscerate them.
Consumer agency, kill it.
Practically all of the slash and burn rampage by the three budgeteers comes at the expense of America's middle class and the poor.
For corporate powers and the wealthy elites, however, the dynamic trio offers more governmental gimme, including a one-third cut in their tax rates.
The budgeteers are also demanding that government workers take cutbacks.
But wait, aren't Boehner, Cantor, and Ryan workers too?
Well, yes, but very special workers.
So when they recently took our government to the brink of a total shutdown, guess who they rushed to protect?
Not emergency responders, toxic waste cleanup crews, air traffic controllers, or millions of other federal employees we count on, but themselves.
In the Senate, Barbara Boxer had passed a bill to suspend the paychecks of all Congress creditors if the government shuts down.
But the three budgeteers blocked it in the House, thus protecting the $174,000 a year that each lawmaker sucks from us taxpayers.
But then the GOP threesome cynically tried to trick the public about their perfidy.
They made a show of approving a House version of the Congressional Pay suspension, but tucked it into a bill with zero chance of passing.
This is Jim Hightower saying, Boehner, Cantor, Ryan, remember those names.
They think they're clever, and they are hoping that you are stupid.
Okay, thanks, Jim.
Jim Hightower is here every week to bum us out in a folksy voice.
Okay, so you know, I was watching this morning.
I was watching yesterday morning.
Today, Joe Scarborough wasn't there.
His father's ill.
We wish him well, friend of the show.
But he had this to say about our little conversation about torture.
And then you've got the ideologues on both sides saying waterboarding led to this.
And the other side saying, no, it had nothing to do with it.
The gross oversimplification.
First of all, the intelligence process is insulting by both sides.
Insulting.
Because for those who know what really went down, both sides have it wrong.
Okay, but both sides have it wrong.
See, because torture did work and torture didn't work.
I don't know.
Yeah.
It's a pretty.
What is he saying?
It's not that complicated of a thing, Joe.
But I don't, what is his need to try to be on both sides of this issue?
Either torture worked and it gets good information and it keeps us safe or it doesn't.
And there's no.
Even though isn't it possible that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't?
Wouldn't that be the in-between?
No.
Either it worked in this situation.
Oh, in this situation.
Yeah, that's what works.
Right.
And torture never works.
By the way, torture never works.
I'm just telling you, I'm not a, you know, I'm not an, I'm not an expert, but the experts, every time you Hear an expert instead of a political hack talk about it.
They say, no, it gives you unreliable information, and that's why we don't do it.
And it's counterproductive.
And you get way more information doing it the normal way.
All that information that they got.
I find that hard to believe, though, that somebody would never cough up the truth under there has to be.
I mean, during the war, there were Americans that were tortured and gave up information.
But the problem is they give up everything.
Like, they'll cough up not just the information that you want.
They'll cough up other information that muddies the waters and completely complicates things.
It's not they end up telling you what you want to hear.
And go ahead.
Why don't we ease into the process by just annoying people at traffic school?
And we'll turn up the heat on both the seriousness of the subjects.
People do, if they have to see stand-up comedy at traffic school, they'll give up every piece of information.
Don't I did, by the way.
Long story.
We'll talk about it later.
I was actually took the driving school class at the improv thinking I might know the instructor and he let me know.
Turns out I didn't know him and I had to sit through his act.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Talking about torture.
Talking about torture.
So here, Brian Williams was following the story.
I was watching it that night as the crowds were gathering in front of the White House and down at Ground Zero.
And here's Brian Williams had some pretty interesting.
Well, first of all, I'll play at the top of the show.
I played this from Nightline because it's one of my favorites.
I don't know why what would make this guy say this.
Right now, somewhere on planet Earth, a U.S. Navy SEAL is walking around thinking, I just shot Osama bin Laden in the face.
Okay.
Okay.
And that guy's journalism school is retroactively taking away his degree as we speak.
And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Okay.
So here's what Brian Williams had to say.
After what this nation has been through, and considering the price we still pay on a daily basis that affects our life, our society, entering public buildings, transportation.
Big news indeed.
Yeah, after what we've been through, it really is something.
Not being able to bring big shampoo.
Sure.
And those are the things that bother him.
Forget about the other people, like, you know, in Afghanistan experiencing a 10-year occupation by a foreign country.
Sure, it's tough on them, but it's back here in the United States who really feel the strain of the war, right, Frank?
It like really annoys Brian Williams every time he gets on the GE corporate chat that he has to go through.
Yeah, and you notice that's all he talked about, by the way.
Those are the inconveniences of this war.
The fact that when you travel, it's harder, and I got to get back.
He doesn't talk about the shredding of the Constitution.
He doesn't talk about we're spying on our own citizens, how we're torturing people.
None of the other people.
People accidentally killed by drone strikes.
People killed by drone strike.
The fact that we now can't send kids to school.
We have to fire teachers.
We don't have enough money for our health care because of a $3 trillion war on terror.
But when somebody in Afghanistan attends a funeral for somebody killed accidentally by a drone strike, they are able to shampoo their hair with a six-ounce bottle of shampoo.
And by the way, 300, hundreds of thousands of young people sent overseas.
I mean, who are just non-come back the same?
Will not come back the same.
No, no.
There's no way they're mentally prepared for what was about to hit them.
And like, no, we've created a generation of incredibly wounded.
Now, here, you know, I like to talk about false equivalencies.
Okay, so here, no, I'm going to Brian Williams.
No, I'm going to cut him a little slack because he's talking on the fly during the Sunday night thing.
He's talking when they're gathered in front of the White House and he just has to keep talking.
But I can't get over this.
Let's listen.
Remember when George W. Bush chose to remain in the classroom?
They were reading a children's book, and he thought it would be the better part of wisdom because to get up and look alarmed would have, from the very get-go on 9-11, sent the wrong message.
Okay, first of all, wow, what a generous reading of that event.
Exactly.
It's just the better part of Valor to just sit here and not do anything.
Yeah, how about to just slowly get up and not look freaked out?
Yeah, how about get up and go, oh, I'm sorry, folks.
I just got a message.
The president's busy.
I'll be back right back.
No, so it's just funny that he had to read from the Karl Rove's talking points during our so do you want to know what he equates that to though he equates George Bush sitting there for eight minutes doing nothing to this ditto the president you and I saw each other last night in D.C. the correspondence dinner and every president who has come to that dinner for decades has done comedy as you point out he had to do it the the military commander i was sitting next to at the dinner last night knew that this was going on and
i am realizing right now that he knew and of course uh never gave an eyelash of an indication nor should he have yeah sure bush sitting there soiling himself for eight minutes in a second grade class is totally the same thing as barack obama straight facing a comedy routine while navy seals are on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden.
Sure.
It's exactly the same thing.
And you know what?
It's, I mean, Obama, when he did the White House Correspondence Center, had no idea whether the operation was going to be successful.
Right.
Just as I'm sure whenever he goes and does anything, there's stuff going on that he knows about that nobody knows about.
So it's not even really that unique a situation, you know, for this to be happening and for Obama to be doing.
And it has nothing to do with Bush reading my pet goat.
Right.
It really is comparing the height of competence to the height of incompetence.
Yes.
And how could you compare one thing that was initiated by somebody going after you to something initiated by you going after somebody else?
Two totally different things.
It's like, so let's say if during Barack's stand-up routine at the correspondence dinner, somebody would have told him in the air, hey, they just flew a plane into the Pentagon.
What do you think?
You think he would have took off?
I think he would have probably taken it.
He would have at least waited until he got the punchline off.
I want to do my Trump chunk first, and then I'll go deal with that.
I guess Brian Williams didn't have Holly Hunter speaking in his ear clearly.
By the way, did you hear what the Dalai Lama said about they interviewed him about the shooting bin Laden?
Okay.
He said, you know, while I do believe that we should have compassion for all people and forgiveness, there are times when things are serious enough when something has to be done.
I believe I'm paraphrasing it, but it's funny that maybe we shouldn't paraphrase it.
Bin Laden was such an ass, you know, even the Dalai Lama was like, go get him, boys.
Well, that's all got to be put down.
But the Dalai Lama also led a civil war in Tibet against China.
So he's not a stranger to the realities of global dynamics.
Okay, I don't know enough about the Dalai Lama to talk about it.
I've never heard of a religious leader having inconsistencies.
Hey, Brian Williams, by the way, also picked up a, he picked up a pamphlet that talks about all the different kinds of helicopters that the Army has, and he couldn't wait to use it.
Do you know what kind of choppers were they?
Pavlos or Blackhawks or Chinooks?
Were they gunships or just personnel carriers?
I wish I knew too, Brian.
It's like, okay, watch what I know.
Watch out.
I would say every little Chinook or a gunner.
I get it.
You know all the names of the.
Just ask him what kind of helicopter it was.
That's all you have to do.
No, I'd like to let you know.
What does that have to do with?
Why is that an essential piece of living on its next contract?
Oh, sure.
I understand that some of you refer to them as whirlybirds.
It's probably easier than memorizing the names of who's in the cabinet.
Oh, you know what?
Bill O'Reilly called me again.
Oh.
Hey, Jamie, this is O'Reilly again.
And another thing, don't give me this quat trap about torture being immoral, Doorbell.
Your pod-ad little brain can't even grasp the concept of morality.
Morals come from Jesus, not from the State Department, not from Joe Walsh over at Slate.com.
Jesus.
An eye for an eye.
That's what Jesus said at the sermon at the fountain or whatever.
You think it's a coincidence that Bin Laden got shot in the eye?
No.
Jesus aimed at assault rifle from heaven.
And that Navy SEAL who pulled the trigger was but an earthly instrument of divine justice.
And by that reasoning, anything that led up to it was also part of God's plan, including torture, Jimbo.
That's right.
Jesus loves torture.
And there's no debate about that.
The Vatican has decided all their things about this.
They've come out with their, you know, their papal bulls and excommunicados and, you know, Ronnie James Dios and all that good stuff.
Look, God, Jimmy, I got to get out of here.
Glenn Beck just wanted into my dressing room again.
He always starts crying all over my suit.
That's Brooke Brothers, you fat...
I don't know.
How many listeners did we lose today?
I don't think.
I don't know.
I hope we're making some new ones.
All right.
So, you know what?
We're going to move on.
We're going to talk about Seth Myers and his great.
So he had an opportunity to skewer.
It's not only the press, but President Obama.
And he took a couple.
We'll listen to the last half of his.
We only have 10 to listen to the last half.
So let's listen to it and we'll comment on it as we go along, okay?
And then, of course, there's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has been saying that he will run for president as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke.
Good joke.
Very solid.
Solid joke.
Now, they cut to Donald Trump sitting there not laughing.
He's laughing.
That was the best part.
That was for me.
When does he ever laugh?
Has he ever laughed?
He laughed a little.
You know what?
When Barack Obama ribbed him, he laughed a little.
He did, he smiled and smirked, and his head nodded a little bit.
So it was like, oh, okay, a guy's got a little bit of a sense of, but this stone facebook, straight ahead, and the people at his table were not laughing because he can't laugh.
I bet he would laugh if he were to stick his hands deep into a trunk of jewels.
The biggest scandal of it all for me is the fact that he was the guest of the Washington Post.
The Washington Post would invite him as a guest.
The Washington Post would.
It's just going to hold, right?
Well, I think any correspondent, I think it's unethical for any journalist to go to the White House correspondence dinner, first of all, you know, because it's just.
We're not yet.
They're not supposed to be friends.
We're not supposed to be.
Yeah, exactly.
They're not supposed to be friends.
And whoever got a good, what good journalism ever came from people in Tuxedo schmoozing with each other?
They would say, why are you being such a stick in the mud?
I can do more than one thing at once, and I can be friends with someone and still ask a tough question.
Well, because they are friends with them, and we've gotten nothing but false information from the mainstream media for the past 10 years about everything.
And that's because whether it's the Iraq war or whether it's CNBC and the Wall Street people, they're all friends with them and they all like them and they all protect them on their broadcasts.
Or they're afraid of being shunned.
They're so inside the business.
They want the access to that.
They do.
And they don't realize that they're giving up something by getting that access.
Wow.
Okay.
Okay.
Look, there's more to said, though.
I didn't know this is going to be, this is really good conversation, fellas.
I thought we were just going to skate through this part of the show.
Well, you guys have some stuff to say.
No, normally we do dummy, dummy joke jokes.
I know I was born here, and I know my younger brother was born here.
But when it comes to my older brother, I can only take him at his word.
Kind of a good joke, turn of the phrase.
Gary Busey said recently that Donald Trump would make a great president.
Of course, he said the same thing about an old rusty birdcage he found.
LAUGHTER Donald Trump owns the Miss USA pageant, which is great for Republicans because it will streamline their search for a vice president.
Now, that's a great joke.
And Donald Trump stoneface.
Why wouldn't you laugh at that?
Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks.
Though unless the blacks are a family of white people, I bet he's mistaken.
*laughter*
Another great joke.
These are good jokes on Donald T. He really gets it down with Trump.
I like that Trump is filthy rich, but nobody told his accent.
His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns, but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB.
Mr. Trump may not be a good choice for president, but he would definitely make a great press secretary.
How much fun would that be?
Kim Jong-il is a loser.
His latest rally was a flop.
I feel bad for Ahmadinejad.
He never man wears a windbreaker.
He has no class.
I, on the other hand, sell my own line of ties.
You can find him at Macy's in the flammable section.
I don't get that joke in the flammable.
Well, I think, Seth, it was a mistake for him to go away, step away from punchlines.
Yes.
You know, straightforward jokes like serving an extra trust.
He did that a couple of times, and I think he does that on weekend update, too.
And it's not a strong on weekend update either.
And I think he thinks that he's good at that, but I think there was a rhythm going with his jokes, you know, and when he went into that, it kind of stepped away from him.
And he stumbled over the word windbreaker.
Obviously, it didn't work as well.
What if it turns out that, you know, Obama was playing along, and he knew all along he was going to terminate bin Laden the next day, and Trump was playing along, and he knew he was going to terminate his next marriage the next day.
Okay, good job.
Here we go.
There's more.
So it's not a strong field.
And who knows if they can beat you in 2012?
But I tell you who could definitely beat you, Mr. President.
2008, Barack Obama.
You would have loved him.
No, that's a great joke.
That is great.
No, that's a great joke.
He's taking a real shot.
Okay, I'm like, oh, nice.
That's a nice shot.
Good.
Now let's see what he follows it up with.
So charismatic, so charming.
Was he a little too idealistic?
Maybe.
But you would have loved him.
I still think we all remember that inauguration day, the first lady was there.
And may I say, for as beautiful as you look that day, you look even more beautiful tonight.
Okay, so he's done.
That was it.
That's, I mean, he's got some more Barack Obama jokes coming, but that was it.
We already got the best one.
So, I mean, as far as the meatiest, that's the meatiest that he got was you would have loved Barack Obama in 2008.
Okay, here we go.
And then he immediately sucks up to the First Lady.
Now, you, on the other hand, Mr. President, have aged a little.
And then he starts making fun of him.
What happened to you?
When you were sworn in, you looked like the guy from the old Spice commercials.
Now you look like Lewis Gossett Sr.
I like Lewis Gossett Sr.
That's a fun one.
Yeah, that's a good joke.
I've never said this to anyone before, but maybe you should start smoking again.
My point, these are all good.
Is this the change you were talking about?
Mr. President, look at your hair.
If your hair gets any whiter, the Tea Party is going to endorse it.
Another good joke.
These are all.
My point is, these are all solid jokes.
No problem with the comedy.
My problem is that he missed an opportunity to really do something.
You know, it's like you're supposed to be the guy who skewers people.
You're the top chief skewer.
They don't really want that.
The one time they really did have that was with Colbert Colbert, which was a historic moment in a moment of satire in American history.
Not just for what it was, but for the reaction to it and what it said about things.
The fact that the mainstream, that Tim Russerts and Chris Matthews and all those people at the time talked about how badly Colbert bombed.
America.
But we lived in an age of technology where people could watch it on C-SPAN, people could watch it on YouTube.
And the reaction to it was America was like, wow, that's like the greatest thing I've ever seen.
And it was, he completely skewered Bush.
But what really upset them was he completely skewered the press and talked about how they were writing novels and stuff like that.
And how they were falling down on the job.
Right.
It was basically what he was really skewing them.
And so the mainstream, the next day on Meet the Press, or maybe the next week, Tim Russard had the guy who did the Bush impression on.
And all Tim Russard wanted to talk about was what a great sport George W. Bush was about the whole thing.
And he didn't even mention Colbert.
So the whole episode was just one of these kind of.
Well, this is what I'm talking about.
So this is so Seth Meyers, who I respect comedically.
I'm sorry, I was going to say that they don't, what I'm saying is they don't want people to be there to do that.
No question.
And the very last year after Colbert, which was hilarious to me, was Rich Little, who was so off.
Really?
Yeah, Rich Little.
They had Rich Little.
It was like the people were on their money back.
They were so petrified by what had happened the year before.
They said, We're not only going to get somebody that doesn't ask questions, we're going to get somebody who's not funny.
And they did.
Yeah.
They did.
Okay, let's listen to a little bit more, huh?
I'm going to get an angry voicemail from Jenny Thomas in 19 years.
A lot of people miss that joke.
Jenny Thomas, Clarence Thomas's wife, called Anita Hill just, I think, just this year and left her a very mean voicemail.
I think it's time you apologize.
You apologize to my husband.
The guy who's the Supreme.
But I believe the president would agree with me.
It's about time somebody who was smeared for telling the truth in front of Congress got up enough courage to apologize to one of the most powerful men in the country.
The mood has changed a bit since the beginning of his term.
At the beginning of his term, Mr. President, housewives were trying to sneak in the house into the White House.
Not anymore.
Now everyone's leaving.
Axelod, Gibbs, Rahm Emanuel.
By this time next year, it'll just be you and Joe Biden trying to find toner for the coffee machine.
And now your re-election campaign has begun.
I bet it's hard getting back in campaign mode again.
You know who's really dreading it?
Will I am.
He's writing down words that rhyme with debt ceiling.
These are all good jokes.
No problem with the jokes.
I'm just saying he's missing lots of opportunity.
He doesn't make fun of him.
He doesn't make fun of him for saying this.
I'm going to put on a comfortable shoe and go out and walk with the union people.
He doesn't talk about the irony that he's in charge of three wars.
the time he's winning a Nobel Peace Prize.
He doesn't talk about He's talking about Timothy Geithner.
Torture.
Larry Summers.
Not Lawrence Summer.
None of that.
None of that.
He doesn't touch any of it.
None of it.
Wall Street.
Yeah, the stuff that's actually affecting our lives.
He goes for the jokes about, oh, look, your hair is so white that the tea party.
It's a solid joke, but it's like you're wasting an opportunity here to really do something.
I mean, I well, what's more infuriating is that he sets up, he starts that chunk with the two with you would have liked 2008 Obama.
Which is so promising.
It's so jerky.
He comes.
Yeah.
And it never quite pays off on quite.
It never comes close.
It's just now here's some really funny, innocuous jokes.
That's not going to make you upset.
Do you think the White House doesn't add Sullivan on them and says, what are the jokes you're going to do?
And, you know, we're still during the Bush White House.
They did that.
You mean after Colbert, they did it?
No, they had done it all along.
So how did Colbert sneak through?
Because they never thought about it.
Just do it.
They're not going to go up and stop you.
I think you're not going to get asked again.
Well, that's what I'm thinking.
Like, even if they do go over your stuff, you can just say whatever you want.
And it's like when Bob, I think it was Bob Dylan when he was on Ed Sullivan.
They told him you can't switch.
Oh, that's what it was.
And they said, yeah, you can't sing that song.
And that's what he goes.
We already did.
We just did it.
We just did it.
You can't say that word.
We're never going to be on again.
Well, I don't care.
We were just on.
Yeah, we were just on.
Well, that was the thing.
Even before the correspondence dinner was so telecast, like, yeah, it's a real event, but like during the early Bush White House years, they would approach the comedian and say, well, you can't swear in front of the president, even though it was a closed event.
And their response was always, we can't swear in front of the this guy can't handle that.
This is the guy who's sending people to die, but he can't hear the words.
Also, don't forget that at one of the White House correspondence dinners, Bush did his hilarious routine about not being able to find weapons of mass destruction.
Oh, remember that?
Yes.
And all the press people knew they were laughing.
They laughed.
The same people that criticized Colbert.
Can laugh at people dying over a mistake.
Weapons of mass destruction.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what?
Bill O'Reilly left the public.
Door.
Hey, and let's give President Bush a little credit for this bin Laden thing, huh?
Can you loony lefties stomach that?
It's nuts to say that Obama did this on his own.
He couldn't have killed Bin Laden last week unless George W. Bush hadn't during his administration, right?
So thank you, President Bush and President Andrew Johnson, too.
If he hadn't been so weak on reconstruction policies in the 1860s and extended the systematic oppression of African Americans decades into the future, it wouldn't have been so exciting to have a black presidential candidate as late as 2008.
And excitement that shooed Obama into office in the first place.
So special thanks to President Andrew Johnson, who helped us kill bin Laden.
So to sum up, the people who killed Bin Laden in order of importance: Bush, Jesus, President Andrew Johnson, the Holy Spirit, Peter King, Jameson's whiskey, Ronnie James Dio, Tommy Boy, and Braggamon.
Give me a call, Jimmy.
Quit hiding or we'll find you.
Genius.
Bill O'Genius.
I love the fact that you have this relationship with Bill O'Reilly.
He likes to talk.
You know, he wants to straighten me out.
He always answers his critics.
That's what I've been told.
He always answers his critics.
All right, let's go back a little bit more, Seth Myers.
Foundation projected that joke would get a standing ovation.
Okay, here we go, Seth.
Probably shouldn't trust those guys.
But, Mr. President, I truly still have confidence to you.
For one, you still have the First Lady.
And of course, you still have Joe Biden.
What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn't already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden?
I imagine having Joe Biden as vice president is kind of like taking your blue-collar dad to a fancy restaurant.
He's more comfortable at the Olive Garden.
He talks a little too loud.
He mispronounces the sauces.
And you're always tempted to lean over to the waiter and say, I'm sorry about him.
He's from Scranton.
The president and Joe Biden were not invited to the royal wedding.
And when Biden found out, he immediately said to the president, You, me, wedding crashers too.
I'll book us two Amtrak tickets to London.
The vice president loves trains.
He loves the trains, and I assume it must have been hard for the president to tell Biden the new budget cut $1.5 billion from high-speed rail.
Joe, come on in.
Take off your engineer's cap.
I have some bad news about the choo-choos.
As he broke the news, one of the straps on Joe's overalls sadly drooped off his shoulder.
On the subject of budgets, I would be remiss not to mention Paul Ryan.
Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and health care programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear, stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.
Good joke.
Well, you know what?
I had a problem with the framing of that joke when he said it would overhaul Medicare.
That's not what it's doing.
It's ending Medicare.
It's not overhauling Medicare.
It's ending.
It's ending Medicare.
And also, I think one of the reasons that joke.
Medicare.
It's ending Medicare.
It's ending.
It's turning it into a voucher program.
No more Medicare.
The government doesn't pay for your health care anymore.
You are now again responsible for your health care at 75 years old.
You have to go out and get insurance somehow.
And if they're going to sell it to you, you have to make a it's I'm okay with that just as long as the elderly can't get abortions with them.
Oh, okay.
Okay, here, let's listen a little bit more.
I noticed that his approach to the budget led many to praise Paul Ryan as a serious adult.
And I have to say, nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that adult is now a compliment.
Adult is only a compliment to a child.
I'm so proud of you.
You acted like an adult tonight.
I'm glad I brought you to my boss's house for dinner.
You even cut your own meat like a big boy.
Also, Congress, there are a lot of things you want us to be impressed by that we are not impressed by.
We are not impressed that you sat next to each other at the State of the Union.
You know what the rest of Americans call an evening spent politely sitting next to a person with wildly different political views?
Thanksgiving.
So he's all so that was it.
So that was all his Barack Obama, Joe Biden.
That was it.
And so now he's on.
And then Paul Ryan, that's as much, and that was, I mean, that was a good, good enough joke, I guess.
Right, right.
But I think, I kind of think he consciously decided he wasn't going to.
He wanted, he was like every stir of the waters.
Like a comedian, like a comedian when I first started, he wants everybody in the room to like him.
I think it's actually the effect of the more recording.
Like there are a lot of events that shouldn't be collegial.
And this is one of those things.
Like you used to be traditionally much more of a roast.
And nobody watched it or heard about it.
No, but it was a better and more important event.
And it's the same thing.
Like, once you get cameras in there, you know, it used to be that the party conventions were fist fights, practically.
I mean, you had people screaming at each other trying to figure out who should be the nominee.
And it was a really nasty thing.
Well, we don't anymore, too.
I don't think I don't know how long it's been since the nominating process went beyond the first ballot.
Right.
So it's like all decided now.
And there are some, I don't know exactly, there's some crazy, like 1924 or whatever, where they went to 40 ballots or whatever.
And that's the way it should be.
Yeah.
Well, the thing is, though, like there was a time, too, where you didn't necessarily even have to be part of the primary presses.
Like, I believe Eisenhower just came into the Republican convention in 1952 and said, okay, I'm available.
And Robert Taft, I think, otherwise would have gotten it.
And it all went to Eisenhower.
Wow, you're smart, Frank.
You know a lot of history.
He was a colleague.
He played through.
The moment they put cameras in there, the public was horrified.
And those immediately became these collegial events that they shouldn't have.
Yes.
All right.
Look, we have a couple more minutes of Seth Myers.
Let's get to it.
We're not impressed when you complain about how bills are too long to read.
The health care bill is almost 2,000 pages good.
A bill that ensures every person in American should be longer than the girl with the dragon tattoo.
Also, while we're at it, I don't think you read bills anyways.
I think you guys vote on bills in the same way the rest of us agree to updated terms and conditions on iTunes.
And I just want to point out the first part of that joke was funny too, but it didn't go over because he slipped just a little bit on one of the words.
And that's a good example of how delicate comedy is.
Just a little bit of a trip on that word, and it didn't get it.
The only comic who could pull that off was Foster Brooks.
He was good.
Foster Brooks, his wife committed suicide.
You know, she took a gun out, put it right underneath her left breast, and blew her left kneecap off.
That's a Foster Brooks joke.
That's a Foster.
She was old.
She's sick.
Well, I should wrap it up.
I'm getting the red light.
Not the red light that signals I'm out of time, but the red light that signals the C-SPAN handicam is running low on batteries.
In all seriousness, I want to thank all of the journalists here tonight.
I couldn't do my job if you didn't do yours.
And it's fitting that this event happened on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding.
Because as I was watching the festivities, I couldn't help thinking how wonderful it is to live in a country where people don't wear hats like that.
LAUGHTER Tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me.
America is the greatest country on earth, and at least when my speech started, was still a nation rated AAA by standard in force.
Thank you and good night.
Okay, so again, solid jokes all the way through.
Take that, goofy British hats.
You've been mired.
But when he said that stuff, I wouldn't do my job.
I couldn't do my job if you didn't do it.
I didn't know that you weren't able to do your job for the last 10 years, Mike.
Seth, I mean, that's unbelievable that he's doing the exact opposite of what he's supposed to be doing in that situation.
And no one, I haven't heard anybody give one inch of a criticism to him about that.
No one even said, well, it's no Stephen Colbert, and he really went after the press.
Well, according to them, Stephen Colbert was a disaster and Seth Myers did great.
That's the standard narrative of what the mainstream press will have you agree about that event.
And the context of the royal wedding is hats, not the fact that that gets more coverage than three wars.
Again, yes.
Us being robbed by the banking industry.
The list goes on and on.
We all know the list.
We've heard it on the show a million times.
And exactly right, Paul.
Yeah, it was very maddening for me to listen to him thank the press for doing their jobs, which they haven't done, which is why we have a bankrupt nation with three wars going on right now.
That's why, because they're not doing their job.
That's why we have record foreclosures right now, because the press isn't doing their job.
And that's why you that's why we need you, Seth, because the press doesn't do their job, and that's why you're supposed to be there to skewer them.
You're not supposed to be there to pat them on the back for doing a good job.
And you're not going to lose them.
Jon Stewart is highly rated that he does that.
But if you think about that, Jon Stewart and Colbert are alone in the sense that nobody else really goes after the media.
They'll give lip service to it's the media's fault and da-da-da.
But no one is consistently on the ball saying these guys are terrible at their job.
You mean coming from an angle of, you know, not from the angle of the Russian ball that it's a liberal media because people do attack the media, but the right-wing attacks it for they're too liberal.
They don't attack.
But if you look at what there's not a liberal or a conservative media, I don't think there's a mainstream media that is consistently wrong and uncurious.
And he's very obsequious to power and works as a stenographer for the powerful, whoever the powerful are.
And Saturday Night Live doesn't do it.
They don't go after those guys.
I've never heard them say anything.
Yeah, I mean, there was nothing inconsistent with what Seth Myers did with what he does every week on weekend upgates.
You know, he keeps it very light.
He missed an opportunity to perform for people who read more than people that watch television.
Yes.
Who have access to facts and know the truth, but choose not to pursue it because it's either too difficult or expensive.
But the people who need to hear it, the people who really need to.
So, yeah, so it did bother me.
And I like Seth.
And I want, you know, I want, and he comedically was very solid.
He did a very, he was very hilarious.
And I think that's all he wanted to do.
And I'm guess that, you know, somebody like me just wish he would have wanted to do more.
Well, if you look to it, like, you know, I think he mainly just wanted to come out of it having had a good set.
If you look at supposedly the most experienced comic around Jay Leno, last year he ate it, you know, and all because he was terrible, you know.
Yeah.
But not because he tried to.
Everybody talked about afterwards how awful he was.
And it was coming on the heels of that whole Conan thing.
It was like another really dumb move on Leno's part to do that.
But I think any comedian.
Was his set really toothless?
Was it completely different?
Yeah, it wasn't just that it was toothless.
It was bad.
All that you'd expect from a comic, good timing and rhythm.
And none of that was Leno just.
He just barrels through his material like he's punching a clock or something.
And he would do this thing where he would go, Chris Matthews, where's Chris?
Chris, where are you?
And he would want to point out everybody he was talking about.
And it was nothing but a roadblock.
It was a speed bump to anything he was doing.
He did.
He actually did a mother-in-law joke about Barack's mother-in-law staying at the.
I dissected it on the Comedy Everything Else podcast when it happened.
Right.
And in Seth Meyers' case, everyone praised him afterwards.
Wow, he did a great job.
He was really funny.
In Jay Leno's case, everybody talked about that weekend and all the shows how bad he was.
So I think any comedian that does that gig, unless you're Stephen Colbert and you come in with an agenda, I'm going to really speak some truths.
I'm going to subvert this.
Any other comedian just wants to get out of there having done well.
And that's the other thing.
And I'm speaking from experience.
I know if I spend enough time thinking I can't go over this audience's head, I've got to give them what they want.
Then when I do get the opportunity to perform for people, yeah, I'm not ready.
And I'm so used to dumbing my material down.
I don't do what I really want to do.
I do what is familiar to me.
Exactly.
You play how you practice.
Yeah.
And that's another thing about Seth is that he's not a stand-up.
And so he's not out there every week trying to, he doesn't, that's a totally different muscle.
It's a totally different art form doing stand-up than doing it.
And for a guy who isn't a stand-up, he did very well.
He did a great job for a guy who wasn't a stand-up.
But all right, well, that's our, you know what, Barack Obama actually called me, really.
Hey, Jimmy, this is No Barrel Peace Prize winner, Barack Obama.
Hands up, Boyo.
Not a lot of people know this, but ordering a hit on someone does not disqualify you from keeping your peace prize.
Hang up some shit.
I just bombed the shit out of Libya, ramped up the war in Afghanistan, and now I just put a bullet in someone's head.
But I still get to polish my peace prize every day.
These peace prizes are like herpees.
No matter who I fuck, I can't get rid of them.
Sorry about this short call, Jimmy.
But I have to deputize a bunch of shady motherfuckers to go out and hire some other bitches on my behalf.
How about Donald Trump?
I will release those death pictures.
Bully that.
Peace prize out.
Okay, Barack Obama.
And I want to thank everybody.
By the way, that's Mike McRae doing the voice of Barack Obama and Bill O'Reilly, Mike McRae, hilarious comedian out of Austin, Texas.
I want to thank him for helping write today's show.
I want to thank Robert Yasimura, Frank Conniff, and Steph Samurano.
Thank my guests in studio, Paul Gilmartin, Robert Yasimura, and Frank Conner from CinematicTitanic.com, which will be in San Francisco, Castro Theater Friday night.
That's tomorrow night in the Cash Root Theater.
Go see it.
I'm sure it will sell out.
And let me take a moment at the end of the show to thank all our donators who've gone over to JimmyDoorComedy.com to make this show possible.
This show is made possible by the donations, 100% made possible by you guys.
And also, don't forget the Pro Flowers deal.
It's a great deal.
Here's how you do it: you go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, type in Jimmy D, you're going to get a dozen roses plus a free base for $19.99.
That is a good deal.
Okay, so thanks again for making this happen.
This is a fun thing to do.
I'm glad I get to do it for you guys, and I'm glad so many people enjoy it.
And let's just keep it going.
Thanks for your support.
See you next week.
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