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Aug. 26, 2010 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20100826_Jimmy_Dore_Wed_August_25_2010
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Yes, this is Christopher Hitchens.
I would be remiss for not to express a certain gratitude to Jimmy Dore for inviting me on his program, though I believe he does present an evil more pernicious than that of Mother Teresa.
All the celebrity voices at the Jimmy Dore Show are performed by other celebrities.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
gut-minded, lily-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say charge talking to your TV again.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
Because it's the Jimmy Door show.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Okay, everybody, welcome to the Jimmy Dore Show.
We've got a full house for you.
Everybody's here.
Steph Samurano.
Hello.
From Dinner and a Movie on TBS, ask a Republican.com.
It's Paul Gil Martin is here.
Hello, friend of the show.
Jared Moskowitz is here along with Robert Yasimura, writers, and do a lot of the heavy lifting for the Jimmy Dore show.
And later on, Troy Conrad is here also.
And he's going to be doing, we're going to be talking to him later.
I don't want to tip it.
But we've got a lot of things.
We know this is the billboard segment of the show.
We're going to tell, well, he's going to be doing his George Bush later.
How about that?
I just told everybody.
Gosh darn it, I can't.
I'm looking forward to it because it's hilarious.
But coming up on today's show, I want to let you know what's coming up on today's show.
You know, New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner, died of a massive heart attack.
And I was just wondering, hey, Rush Lindbaugh, is there a way to remember him that is not only ridiculously inappropriate, but also makes me cringe and shake my head in disbelief?
George Steinbrenner has passed away at age 80.
That cracker made a lot of African-American millionaires.
Okay, turns out there is a good way.
All right.
Thank you very much.
We're going to talk about that later.
We are going to be talking more about that later.
Plus, the head of the CIA, Leon Panetta, sat down to talk to Jake Tapper of ABC News to help frame the Afghanistan war just perfectly.
I think the president said it best of all that this is a very tough fight that we're engaged in.
Wow.
Thanks for really clarifying that.
Very, could it be more eloquently put later on?
Leon Panetta lets us know that President Obama also said Coke is it.
Thanks.
I wrote that.
Anyway, Moron stops by.
He's got a lot on his mind.
He's got, throughout George Steinbrenner on his mind.
He's got Mel Gibson on his mind.
We talk about that.
Also, there's a new poll coming out that ranks all the presidents.
And they say the conservatives are going to be unhappy with it.
I wonder why.
Okay, also, we talk about they're going to start charging people to drive in the speed lane in Chicago, which I don't feel good about.
We talk about Bill O'Reilly's immigration.
But first up, I want to talk about swearing on television.
And here we go.
Hard to believe, but it's been over two full years since someone dropped the C-word bomb on the Today Show.
Enter one Kayla Madison, a 13-year-old Florida girl who's being accused as an accomplice after her boyfriend attempted to murder her best friend.
Well, she appeared at the Today Show and was asked what some of the threatening texts said that she saw on her boyfriend's phone.
Here she is with Meredith Vieira.
Can we go back to March 17th, that day that those text messages were exchanged between Josie and Wayne?
You were in school with Josie.
You heard about the text.
You saw them?
I only saw two.
You saw two.
Did you see the one where he threatened her to kill her?
No, you did not.
Which ones did you see?
The one where she calls Emily Best and she calls him a I mean, he calls her a c ⁇ .
Okay, we just have to be careful with our language a little, but that's all right, sweetheart.
And pow!
There she is, dropping the C word not once, but twice.
And I hate to say it, but the kids today, huh?
Am I right?
Huh?
Seriously, that's my take.
This girl doesn't even know she's not supposed to say the C-word on television.
Which I think is emblematic of her generation, which wasn't raised on network television.
You know, like us, raised on good old wholesome shows like Starski and Hutch, Simon and Simon, and BJ and the Bear, which is why I am still expecting at any moment to be given a male partner, human or chimp, and have to fight crime.
Of course, this girl said the C-word.
She was raised on the internet, a place without any rules at all.
And I'm not judging that.
I swear I'm not.
I just suspect that since cyberspace...
Cyberspace?
Or is that an inadvertent Logan's Rodden reference?
I suspect that since cyberspace is so filled with utterly raw material, kids might be getting the sense that anything they want to say is great.
Which is a message I didn't get until Liberal Arts College.
And I got to tell you, it still messed me up.
Just the other day, I was at a CVS, and I saw a kid blaze it up while standing in the middle of the park a lot.
Just standing there.
I'm pretty sure that young fella didn't even know that pot is illegal.
I'm just saying, you know, in my day, that's why we had vans airbrushed with landscapes on the side.
Just saying.
Just saying.
Okay, I don't know.
I want to thank Ben Zalavansky for finding that clip for me.
And I want to thank Robert Yasamura for kind of telling me what it really meant in the bigger context.
Anybody have any takes on that kind of thing?
Well, I just was thinking as a kid, I just remember just getting busted if you actually just said, oh, fudge.
What?
The hell were you raised?
Walton Mountain?
Which one of your mothers said that was bad on the compound?
I remember being seven years old, and my brother and I discovered that you could write inside the lampshades of our family's lamps.
And so we wrote every swear word we could think of.
Really?
And then my mom discovered it and freaked out.
Completely freaked out.
And so then the lesson I took out of that was, well, don't write stuff inside the lamps.
Right.
Carve it into the table.
No.
So I carved F-U-K into the table.
You couldn't even spell it?
Couldn't even spell it.
What?
In what table?
How is that going to be less conspicuous?
I wasn't thinking.
Sorry, mom.
I was seven years old.
There isn't a light on the table.
I like to think that that was my primitive cry for help.
Yeah, I think so.
Mom, stop disrespecting my boundaries.
And then what was your fully developed cry for help?
Stand-up.
Oh, okay.
I think we're watching it.
Yeah, This is it right here.
Okay.
Jared?
No, I just, I don't put too much blame on that girl.
I think anyone who has a conversation with any member of the cast of the VO that war just comes out subconsciously.
Just like when the doctor hits your knee with a hammer.
It's like a reflex.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
That's what you were trying to say.
And that's what I was trying to say.
There's a word for that.
Who knew?
Can I tell you a little story that has to do with this clip I'm very excited to share with you guys?
I was traveling to the Midwest recently and I was in the LAX airport with Steph.
And I looked over and I'm like, son of a gun, if the girl sitting right next to me doesn't look like the girl who dropped the C-word on the Today show.
And gosh darn it, it was her, and she was wearing the same outfit.
So I took pictures of her.
No way.
And the entire time she and her mother were texting.
The whole time they were texting.
The whole time.
So I got my have an iMovie application on my Macintosh, and so I could start recording an iMovie through the built-in camera on my computer.
And I was pretending like, you know, we were, I wasn't.
I was pretending like I wasn't doing that.
And I got it pretty good.
I can't show it over the radio, but I'm going to throw it up on JimmyDorkomedy.com.
When this generation of people get into their golden years and they start dying off, is the bedside thing going to be their children are texting them?
You meant a lot to me.
And the person's laying in the bed, thank you.
I gave you as much as I could.
That's pretty good.
I actually have always assumed that our generation, we've become so cynical and insincere that this is not going to age well.
And I guarantee you, if I live to be 80, it's just like my cynicism is going to be bleeding out of every orifice.
I'm going to be wearing a shirt that just says, just because I pooped my pants doesn't mean I'm dead yet.
It's not going to be pretty.
Yeah, I like the idea of they're going to start texting in confessionals pretty soon.
That would be something.
Yeah.
Texting during sex, people used to read.
Yeah, that's good.
Priest, OMG, exclamation point.
That's totally a sin.
Yeah, 10 Hail Marys.
All right.
This is.
Wait, are we going to talk about the Supreme Court decision or the federal district?
You know what?
Look at the speech.
I wasn't going to, but that's a good idea.
I should have put it on the billboard to talk about.
Yeah, you got.
Yes.
It wasn't the Supreme Court.
It was the Court of Appeals in New York.
Right.
Federal Court of Appeals.
Federal Court.
I never get them straight.
There's the district courts, circuit courts, courts of appeals, courts of this.
Can't they just have.
But anyway, so you probably know more a little bit more about it.
Why don't we rewrite the Constitution to make it simpler for Jimmy?
No kidding.
One court.
I think they filed, I think it was all the networks got together in about 2004 and filed an appeal to all the fines that they had received, basically from the Bush administration from the FCC becoming so conservative.
And it was expletives that were spontaneous during live broadcasts or the Janet Jackson boob incident.
And they said, look, you can't fine us like this.
This is not right.
And the federal district court agreed.
God bless them.
Said, like, no, you can't.
This would send a chilling effect to the First Amendment.
It was set of horrible precedent.
You can't do this.
Oh, that's so funny.
But we get a dropout on that one because, seriously, we don't want to lose the FCC license.
That was definitely.
Oh, did I say something?
Oh, you should have said fudge.
So I think that it is a great thing.
Yeah, right.
And ironically, it's Fox that was like the leader of this cabal of network broadcasting.
Oh, really?
We have to get this.
Ironically, Fox also starts with an F. Yes.
I just wanted people to...
He gets.
What are you?
What?
Curly over there?
Whoops, whoop.
Hey, Mo!
Hey, Mo!
Do that thing!
You hit me with the hammer like a doctor.
What does it do?
Reflex.
Careful, you're going to shake loose my shemp bangs.
Okay.
Rupert Murdoch is so funny because he's like, on the one hand, he is just this guy that you couldn't hate more, and yet he's also responsible for The Simpsons, which is like the greatest piece of entertainment in the 20th and 21st century.
You know, very indirectly responsible for The Simpsons.
The Simpsons would have probably happened somewhere else.
If you remember, Fox was created in the spirit of these other networks aren't pushing things far enough.
Yes.
Yes, I do remember that.
I remember while married with children.
It was really, they were bra...
Well, it's acceptable in terms of raunchiness, but not really in terms of ideas.
Although The Simpsons do.
But that's how the only people who are allowed to do that anymore on television are cartoons, right?
South Park and The Simpsons and I Can't Family Guy.
I would disagree with that.
Okay, who would you say?
Well, I think cable is producing amazing stuff.
Like FX produced It's Only Sunny, Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The Badge.
Well, I'm talking about things that push the envelope as far as hey, like an Archie Bunker or a Simpsons, how they push the, how they talk about things that people aren't allowed to talk about normally on sitcom television.
Yeah, okay, on sitcom television, maybe.
And also, I think there's a difference between broadcast and cable.
Okay.
There is, but I mean, to be fair, all those cable networks are owned by the same cast outlets.
Like, they're using cable to push the boundaries.
And by the way, I mean, look at the landscape of movies out there and then look at what's going on on television.
And I guarantee you, television is pushing the limits far more than films are.
So I wouldn't.
Oh, wow.
I think this can only be solved through wrestling.
All right.
Well, listen, that's, you know what?
That's the kind of discussion we're looking for at the Jimmy Door show.
We're looking for things to happen.
But right now, let's talk about Leon Panetta.
Finally.
finally music So Leon Panetta was on the Jake Ted.
He was talking with Jake Tapper.
And, well, Jake Tapper asked him a good question right off the bat.
Very important.
It helps you understand the context of all this stuff.
So let's hear what Leon had to say with Jake Tapper.
And is the Taliban stronger or weaker than when you started on the job?
I think the president said it best of all that this is a very tough fight that we're engaged in.
First of all, I'll stop it there and just throw it out to you.
Isn't that what war is?
Could you just state the obvious and any more?
It's like as if, oh, the president had this great way to put it.
It's a really tough fight.
Wow, that really straightens it out for me, Leon.
I hadn't thought of it that way before.
I thought of it as a hard fight.
Yeah, that was good work there, Leon.
Our military has become like that sad guy with the toupee that drives the Corvette that's been divorced eight times and just Keeps picking intractable wars.
Yes.
You know, is just so turned on by something that's just going to be a quagmire.
Yes.
I was reading a book called, and we're going to talk about it hopefully next week with Pat and Oswald.
But we were, there's a book called Nixon Book Talk for Oswald.
You do that.
Nixonland.
Nixonland.
And it's about the 60s, and it's all about, a lot of it is about the Vietnam War.
And it's amazing the same kind of, like, what is going to happen to your party politically really matters in the decision of what happens in a war.
Oh, absolutely.
Which is just, I mean, on both sides.
It's all politicized, every part of it.
And it's exactly the same thing, not exactly the same thing, but a lot of this, a lot of similarities between Vietnam and Afghanistan with the what should we do?
It's a quagmire.
The people hate us.
It's exactly.
And then, well, let's listen to more of what Leon Panetta has to say.
There are some serious problems here.
We're dealing with a tribal society.
We're dealing with a country that has problems with governance, problems with corruption, problems with narcotics trafficking, problems with a Taliban insurgency.
See, now, to most people, those problems would sound like good reasons to get the hell out of there.
But to guys who are in the pocket of the military-industrial complex, like Leon Panetta and Barack Obama, it's a good reason to double down.
Yeah, we've got to ramp up.
I think somebody brought this up before, maybe, but why didn't we do what Israel did after Munich?
Much cheaper, much more effective, to send out bands of assassins to hunt these people down.
Well, that's, well, you know what?
We're actually going to talk about that.
That's a great point.
We're going to talk about that in a second because he talks about the al-Qaeda that we're going after.
So let's hold that point for a second.
But when he lists all those problems, it's a list of problems like this.
The only thing Afghanistan doesn't suffer from is erectile dysfunction.
I mean, what else?
Maybe that's why they hate us because we have pills that make our soft penises hard.
Do you ever think about that?
Actually, I think we gave that was one of the deals that the CIA cut with one of the warlords is we gave them, he wanted whatchamacallit, Viagra?
He wanted Viagra as part of his deal.
It was a hard bargain.
And we gave him a lie, yeah.
Did we really that?
Yeah, we gave him like a lifetime supply of Viagra that was.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Robert, how do you know that stuff?
How did you find out?
Robert Reed.
Yeah.
I love Robert Reed.
He's one of my favorite.
He did some great work.
Is that how he died?
How did he die?
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Wow.
Thanks for bringing it up, though.
I read that.
I did read it.
You read that.
Yeah, and it's all on a gay bar.
Let me.
He says.
Send your letters.
KPFK, care of Jimmy Dore.
He talked about...
Liam Panetta goes, we have problems with governance.
Afghanistan has problems with...
What is that...
It means we can't govern our country.
And by the way, women have absolutely no rights.
We have that problem.
Isn't that what that means when he says, and then he says, we have a problem with corruption?
Yeah, meaning like the whole everybody's corrupt and firing rockets in the crowded bazaars and burying people in shallow graves is what the government used to do.
So yeah, we have that.
But it's funny the words he uses to kind of dismiss it all.
He says we have problems of trafficking narcotics.
Yeah, you know, they use young women to traffic heroin in their anuses.
And that heroin is the 95% of the.
It's the anus and not the vagina.
More that place is special.
It's something he learned at camp.
That's right.
Summer camp.
Summer camp.
We have a problem with the Taliban insurgency.
That's another.
We have a problem with Taliban.
I mean, all these things sound very innocuous the way he's saying them.
The real truth that nobody from the government will step out and say is that we traded Taliban rule for anarchy.
Yes.
Basically.
That's basically what is happening, but nobody really wants to say it.
There's just pure anarchy.
Well, they ask him what the goal is.
They're definitely right.
They ask Leon Panetta what our goal is in Afghanistan because I would like to know what our goal is.
And he actually answers the question.
And yet the fundamental purpose, the mission that the president's laid out is that we have to go after Al-Qaeda.
We've got to disrupt and dismantle Al-Qaeda and their militant allies so they never attack this country again.
Okay, so our goal is to go after, dismantle, and attack Al-Qaeda.
Well, how many of those suckers are left in Afghanistan?
How many al-Qaeda do you think are in Afghanistan?
I think the estimate on the number of al-Qaeda is actually relatively small.
I think at most we're looking at maybe 50 to 100, maybe less.
It's in that vicinity.
There's no question that the main location of al-Qaeda is in tribal areas of Pakistan.
Okay, so then that's why we need to ramp up in Afghanistan, right?
Like if you want to build a church in Mississippi, you go and get all your stuff in Alabama, right?
Isn't that what you do?
Jimmy, you're questioning spending a billion dollars per al-Qaeda guy to go after them?
You don't sound like a patriot.
Wow, think of it like that.
Think of that number.
A billion dollars per al-Qaeda guy inside the country.
So he said, he even said that the al-Qaeda in Pakistan.
Why are we trying to build hospitals, roads, and a society and try to nation build in Afghanistan?
Jake Tapper didn't ask him that.
He let him go.
I'm not saying Jack, you know, he's got a lot on his mind like we all do.
But I just can't get over that.
Doesn't that stun anybody else to me?
He literally says that our goal is to dismantle Al-Qaeda.
How many Al-Qaeda are there?
50.
And nobody, and that doesn't make, that's not the front page of the news.
Brian Williams doesn't go.
There's no male al-Qaeda.
What do we do?
No one's saying anything.
That doesn't shock anybody.
I throw it out to the floor.
Well, I disagree with you.
Okay, go ahead.
Well, for two things.
I mean, every piece of intelligence we have says that if we left Afghanistan right now, Al-Qaeda would be right back.
Because it's chaos there.
It's the Wild West.
I mean, it's the perfect place to like hang out if you're And they're just across the border.
And that's the thing is that we're actually not, in this regard, we're not fighting a war in Afghanistan.
We're keeping Pakistan in check.
And Pakistan has kept the Taliban in check for us.
And also Al-Qaeda, even though Pakistan is a mess, too, it's just barely more stable.
It seems as if we need a distraction in there.
And maybe I'm wrong, but hear me out on this.
Six flags.
Waziristan.
All right.
We're up against the clock, so let me finish.
I have two more clips to play.
Here he asked him about Blackwater.
Did they give another contract to Blackwater recently, the Pentagon?
Yeah, here we go.
I have to tell you that in the war zone, we continue to have needs for security.
We've got a lot of forward bases.
We've got a lot of attacks on some of those bases.
We've got to have security.
Unfortunately, there are a few companies that provide that kind Of security.
The State Department relies on them.
We rely on them to a certain extent.
So we bid out some of those contracts.
They provided a bid that was underbid everyone else by about $26 million.
And a panel that we had said that they can do the job, that they have shaped up their act.
So there really was not much choice but to accept that contract.
Really?
Exactly, really.
These guys are criminals, and they've let us down repeatedly, but they really had a lower bid.
Let's save $26 million and hire a band of criminals that shoot civilians in the head.
Yeah, they came in with the lowest bid, and they might go over there and start World War III.
And I love how he says, you know, we still have a need for security in our war zone.
What?
Everybody just lets that go, like in one ear and out the other, as if that's okay to say something.
Yeah, that's what you have.
What?
That's the craziest.
I can't even think of an analogy to say.
I love the lengths we will go to be honest and just institute a draft.
Yeah.
You know, that we will do it out to private contractors.
Pretty soon, we're just going to have Indian telemarketers fighting our wars for us.
There's no doubt about it, Paul.
Nice.
Yeah.
And I would like to thank the group for nobody doing an Indian impression.
That was beautiful.
Yes, I can't.
Oh, my God.
I just want to cringe anytime a comedian does an Indian.
I just don't get over how we have a need for security.
That's why we have to hire this company.
It's like, well, don't you guys have Marines with guns?
That's a scary name, too.
Blackwater?
That should be like, is their headquarters like a skull carved out of a mountain?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
So here he is.
With this stack of cash right next to it.
I mean, they're all crazy, like crazy Chris.
They're not like, they're crazy, like my God's better than your God kind of guys.
You know, the Blackwater guys?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
The head guy.
He's one of those guys.
Eric Prince.
Is that his name?
Look at Paul pulling names out of his butt.
Isn't that his name?
Yeah.
Eric Prince.
All right.
Here's my Eric.
Little Prince.
Pucky Belly.
Hello.
I pushed it.
Here was, I think, a very telling part of the interview.
Dude, you're now privy to information about some of the ugliest, toughest tactics carried out by intelligence agencies with the purpose of defending our nation.
Stuff that probably, as a member of Congress or OMB director, or White House Chief of Staff, you suspected but didn't actually know for a fact.
How rough is it?
And does any of it ever make it difficult for you to sleep at night?
Wow, that's a pretty good question.
Wow.
How tough that?
I mean, it's got to be pretty hard for you to sleep at night knowing all the crap that you're doing and what's going on.
And here's what he says.
Or run to do an extra confession.
Well, I mean.
First of all, no, very funny.
Killing carnage, you know, overthrowing people.
It gives me a chuckle before I go to sleep.
This is still Leon Panetta?
This is Leon Panetta.
Yeah, okay.
I didn't realize that I would be making decisions, as many decisions about life and death as I do now.
Really?
Head of the CIA.
You know what?
I didn't see it come.
I didn't see 9-11 coming.
We didn't see the financial markets collapse coming.
We didn't see, we don't see what you didn't see.
Hurricane Katrina.
You don't see anything coming.
Nobody sees anything coming.
This guy didn't see he's going to be the head of the CIA.
I didn't, you know what?
Turns out I'm making a lot of life and death decisions at the head of the CIA.
And you know what?
I'll roll with it.
I'll roll with it.
I'll do it.
I'll step up, but holy cow, they should write a handbook or something to let people know that when you're the head of the CIA, this is the kind of stuff you're going to be doing.
And in his spare time, he defends torturers.
Go ahead, Tara.
I'm sorry.
He just thought he was going to get free copies of Silence of the Lambs on DVD.
Which is the FBI and makes no sense.
Oh, that's right.
That is the FBI.
Yeah, we're talking about the CIA.
I'm a civilian, Jimmy.
I know.
Hey, Jim Hightower has a few things to say about the corporate reality of California's Republican candidate, Meg Whitman, and her sidekick, Senate candidate, Carly Fiorina.
Big news in California politics.
Golden States GOP has nominated a pair of Golden Gals to try to take the state's top two political offices.
Meg Whitman, running for governor, and Carly Fiorina, running for U.S. Senate, are both former CEOs and multi-millionaires who spent truckloads of their corporate loot to win the Republican nominations.
Whitman, for example, dumped a breathtaking and record-breaking $73 million of her own money into the primary race.
On election night, the two free spenders issued a joint statement of triumph.
Career politicians in Sacramento and Washington, D.C., be warned.
You now face your worst nightmare.
Two businesswomen from the real world.
The real world?
Only a pampered CEO could think that the luxurious confines of the executive suite come anywhere near other people's reality.
Aside from private jets and other platinum-level perks, they pocket absolutely unreal paychecks.
When she departed, Hewlett-Packard, Fiorina was handed a $21 million fairly well gift.
And Whitman hauled off more than a billion bucks during her tenure at eBay.
And let's get real about the worthiness of their CEO experience.
Fiorina was such an executive disaster that Hewlett-Packard's board dumped her in 2005.
Nobody liked Carly's leadership all that much, said a market analyst at the time, adding that anyone will be better.
Likewise, costly management missteps by Whitman caused eBay's board to conclude that the corporation was simply too big for her to run.
This is Jim Hightower saying, if they can't run a big company, why should voters think they can run a state that is bigger than most countries?
Besides, a corporate CEO is head of an autocratic, secretive, top-down, self-serving, single-purpose organization.
Not exactly ideal qualities for leading a democratic government.
Okay, that was Jim Hightower, and you're listening to The Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
Imagine me and you, I do.
I think about you day and night.
It's only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight.
So happy together.
If I should call you up.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
We've got some great stuff coming up.
We're going to have a short interview with President George Bush is sitting in today.
He's in the building, so I grabbed him.
Coming up also, we're going to, Moron calls in.
He's got a lot on his mind, and we're going to talk about the list of presidents with some more stuff.
But before we get to that, I want to remind everybody who's in the Los Angeles area.
I will be at the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont, California this weekend, 16th and 17th of July, a brand new club called Flappers.
It's a great place.
Check it out.
I'll be there.
And, you know, as always, I bring my award-winning comedy wherever I go.
Also, you know what?
There's a young lady we had on the show a couple of weeks ago, maybe a month ago.
Her name is Melissa Fox, and she's running for Assembly, California Assembly in Irvine.
And we're doing a fundraiser for her at the Irvine Comedy Club on July 26th.
That's a Monday night.
And we're going to have a lot of hilarious comedians.
David Feldman will be there.
I'll be there.
The John Fugles gang may be there.
He's going to let me know.
So we'll let you know who as soon as that fills up and some other big shot time hilarious comedians sign up for it.
We'll let you know who's going to be on that show.
But go to vote, MelissaFox.com for more information.
That's July 26th at the Irvine Improv.
It's going to be a hilarious show.
And Melissa Fox is doing the right thing.
You know, KPFK doesn't endorse candidates, but I certainly do.
And I think she's doing.
She's right on all the right issues.
And she's somebody we need in the assembly.
Well, is the assembly important in California?
Very.
It's very, okay, because we have to, you know, three-quarters of majority to change any kind of tax policy.
And she knows what she's doing.
She's right.
Melissa, vote, MelissaFox.com, Irvine, July 26th.
Get your tickets.
Okay, right now I have in the studio.
I'm so happy to have him.
Our 43rd president and author of the upcoming memoir, Decision Points, which is available for sale this November.
And in the book, the former president, he's very candid about his drinking and his troubled youth.
Mr. President, welcome.
Thanks very much, Jimmy.
It's great to be with you.
You know, I just wanted to get right to it.
You know, in your memo, your memoir comes out this November.
Yeah.
Now, what are some of the things we're going to learn that we didn't know about you before?
Well, actually, there's a lot of things that, you know, I never released my medical history, first of all, so get into my psychological diagnoses.
Oh, really?
And, yeah, all the things I was diagnosed with that really, looking back, I probably shouldn't have been running the country.
I remember about halfway through my first term, I had a team of psychiatrists came in and they said, listen, you don't ride your bike four times a week.
Country's going down.
I didn't ask for details on what they meant, but I took their word for it.
Now, you had an incident at your house just about over a week ago on the 4th of July with a neighbor who you suspected of having illegal fireworks.
What happened?
Well, yeah, you know, me and Laura were out there on the roof watching fireworks in our nice neighborhood, which we pay a lot of money for, expect things to go right.
And we saw one of the neighbors shooting off some pretty heavy type of fireworks.
So I called the police on him.
Police didn't find anything.
So I realized I should take this into my own hands.
I called some friends from Blackwater and had them do a little, I did a little ride-along on a home invasion.
And we basically took over the house.
And, you know, I guess they're living in a hotel or something.
And we're still, actually, we're still looking for those firemen.
We know we're going to find them.
Oh, so you haven't found them.
Well, we haven't found them, but we know that they're, you know, east, north, or southwest of the living room.
For sure, you know that.
We know.
Yeah, I have a British neighbor who he seems to be in the know on these things.
He told us that they're definitely there, and we're not going to give up.
You know, because we don't want the smoking gun to be like an M80 in the mailbox.
I hear you.
It's a nice neighborhood.
Yeah, right.
You don't need a mortar on your porch to find before you find out that the guy had some weapons, well, some fireworks of mass destruction.
Well, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
What would that be?
FWMDs.
That's right.
FWMDs.
We call them FWMDs.
And that's what we're on the hunt for.
I know we're going to find them.
Now, but you said you didn't find anything, but was there evidence at all that leads to this family having any illegal fireworks?
Well, yeah, what we found was a bundle of sticks that could be used to make bottle rockets.
What kind of sticks?
Well, they were long, firm sticks that obviously someone would use to make bottle rockets.
And so then we brought in some more Blackwater guys because that was justification right there.
Turned out the guy just really likes Chinese food.
Oh, yeah, chopsticks.
Chopsticks.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Now, have you apologized to the family that was kicked out of their home and had their lives disrupted?
Well, no, I don't think we should apologize.
I think they should apologize to us for, first of all, for scaring the neighborhood.
But they didn't have any.
Well, you know what, though?
I think the end will justify in 50 years, we're going to look back and everyone's going to be real glad we went in there.
I promise you that.
Now, has anything like this ever happened before?
Well, yeah, this exact same thing happened a few times in college and then when I was governor.
What do you mean?
Well, there's been a lot of neighbors that have seemed to have fireworks and illegal ones.
And, you know, we've done these type of invasions before and we've not found things, but I think we will this time.
Okay.
Well, President Bush, I really appreciate you stopping by.
Thank you very much for letting us know what's been going on.
We look forward to your book coming out.
Anything else you'd like to leave listeners before you take off?
Well, thanks, Jimmy.
No, they can read up on my secret redacted memoirs that are probably going to be left out of the book.
Oh, where is that?
Where can they find that?
On BushMonologues.com.
Oh, BushMonologues.com.
Okay.
And they can find your redacted memoirs.
Now, you're going to go around, you're going to be at the Minnesota Fringe Festival.
That's right.
That's coming up in a few weeks here, Minnesota Fringe Festival.
And then this Friday, you're going to be, where are you going to be?
This Friday's at Iow West in Hollywood, 8 p.m.
The President himself, you're going to be there.
I'm there.
It's going to be like a town hall.
I'm going to present.
I've got people working with me.
They make a PowerPoint.
I'm going to go through my book and show them all the things that, you know, the redacted things.
Oh, really?
So that's this Friday.
That's this Friday.
At the I.O. in Hollywood.
That's right.
All right.
Well, thank you very much, President Bush, for stopping in.
Thanks for letting us know what's going on.
Hey, thanks, Jimmy.
Anytime.
Okay, that was President George Bush.
Oh, of course, it's Troy Conrad.
And you can check him out at BushMonologues.com.
He also has his new DVD called The Comedy Jesus Show, not directed by Mel Gibson, is available at Walmart.
So that's kind of, they don't know what it's about.
So go get that at Walmart if you want.
Shouldn't we say that's available temporarily in Walmart?
Yes, I think that is what we should say.
All right, I wanted to play George Steinbrain, what Rush Limbaugh had to say about George Steinbrenner so we can talk about it.
And here's what he had to say: George Steinbrenner has passed away at age 80.
That cracker made a lot of African-American millionaires.
George Steinbrenner, the classic capitalist.
Everybody around him became wealthy.
And like most successful capitalists, he made the people around him wealthy.
And a lot of African-American millionaires along the way.
And at the same time, he fired a bunch of white guys as managers.
Left and right.
Who even.
I'll tell you what, it's Steinbrenner hasn't been himself for the past two or three years.
But nevertheless, what a man he was.
And what a feature and a character he was in Major League Baseball.
Okay.
I love that he doesn't accept the fact that maybe a lot of African Americans made George Steinbrenner a millionaire.
Yes.
Right, it doesn't go the other way.
It works both ways.
Yes, yeah, exactly.
No, no, no, they got money because they were around him.
Yeah, like there was no place else, no other team they could have gone to and made money.
They wouldn't have got it.
Nobody would have hired him but George.
That's right.
Dave Winfield couldn't get a job.
He's only the highest paid athlete ever.
I really like that he can make this into a black-white issue.
I just imagine him being like, the inventor of Legos died, and that kid made a lot of Jewish kids happy.
Like, really?
He's getting into like Larry King territory where he has no more editing software.
He's just saying anything at this point.
Really, it's just a race.
Whatever I can throw at the wall.
Because apparently his crowd, it doesn't bother him that he's blatantly racist.
It doesn't bother him at all.
I've had executives at major companies, entertainment companies say to me, Jimmy, I'm very well informed.
I'm very well informed.
I listen to Rush Limbaugh and Dennis Miller every day.
Oh, my God.
And I was just like, wow.
That's like, I don't know what to tell you.
You're not.
You're misinformed.
You're well misinformed.
And anyway, so it's...
Oh, my God.
Hang on.
Fellas.
Anyway, we're going to talk about that later, but I've got to take this.
I've got to take this.
Hey, it's Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy.
How you doing?
It's Moron.
Hey, Moron.
How's it going, buddy?
What's happening?
What's the good...
Hi, Jimmy.
You know me.
I'm a good American.
You certainly are a good American, Moron.
I always...
I'm easily manipulated by the corporate media to vote against my own economic interests.
Yeah.
And while I have legitimate anger at the government, it's often misplaced at the wrong people.
Oh, you can say that again, buddy.
I've seen it.
Although I do find comfort, Jim, in the fact that my Lord Jesus the Christ also hates exactly the same people that I do.
Oh, well, that's great, Moron.
What's on your mind today, buddy?
Well, um...
You've been watching any of those new shows that we always watch?
I'll tell you what I find out.
I was watching Sean Hannity's, and then he says that the hell Frankens isn't even supposed to be the senator because they had all these felons voted in the thing, in the election, and then that he got elected that way.
Yeah, well, that is, first of all, inaccurate.
Sean Hannity says that they did vote 300 and something, 42 of them, and then only 315 is how Al Franken won by...
Well, how do you know those felons even voted for Al Franken and not the other guy?
I mean, you can't...
Well, they're felons, Jimmy.
Felons don't vote for Republicans.
They vote for Democrats.
Probably most of them are black.
What?
Or Hispanic.
Why do you say that?
They're felons.
They're felons, but...
Who knows how they voted?
I don't know how they voted.
You don't know how they voted.
Anyway...
You ever wonder why they can't vote in the first place?
Well, because they're felons, Jim.
Yeah, I know they're felons, but why can't we let them vote?
Because they're felons.
Yeah, I know, but why does that disqualify you?
Because they're felons.
Okay, we're not getting anywhere.
I'm getting somewhere, I feel.
Well, we're not.
I just keep saying something, and you just keep saying they're felons.
Well, they are felons, Jim.
And that is why they can't vote.
But why?
Why they can't, why vote?
I would say maybe the government people and the G-man is afraid that the felon will steal something in the voting booth.
Like what?
How did you ever think of that?
No, Moron, I never thought about that.
Well, there you go, then.
Maybe you should start thinking.
Look, all he's trying to do is distract you, my friend moron, from the real issues.
Now, I know you want to talk about the real issues, don't you?
Oh, I know.
I know.
Like, uh, like Mel Gibson.
Oh, my gosh, Jimi, the language.
Yeah, it was pretty ugly, buddy.
Mel Gibson really uses some bad words in conjugations that I won't even let Therese hear.
I hate conjugations.
And Whoopi Goldberg said that he isn't a racist and...
and that he she said Mel Gibson isn't a racist he's my friend Yeah, but what does that mean?
I mean what does that prove?
Yeah, well I'm just saying Jimmy yeah of course they're friends Whoopi Goldberg is not hot at all If she was hot They would have he would have bagged her already and they wouldn't be talking no more Am I right Jimmy?
Am I right?
You're right, but I see your point.
see your point i see the one thing that i don't understand is uh well i understand that he used the n-word which uh you know is horrible and everything but the thing that i didn't get because he was under a lot of stress and pressure and sometimes you say things that you don't mean but then he said that by a pack a pack of n-words which a pack that's why would you say a pack that sounds that to me was very dismissive
it made them sound less than human beings well that's the whole problem with racism it dehumanizes other well the thing i don't get is that mel gibson is uh he's a catholic then and he likes to jesus christ like i do really and uh he made this song that made that movie about jesus getting the thorns on him and the crap beaten out of him and that shows that he loves i don't know if that's what it shows i mean it shows some well but my thing is that if he's the big catholic and
everything and devotes all the life to it right he is how could he be uh saying these things like this and how could he be punching out his wife's two front teeth and then how could he also be leaving his wife and kids and for the for the young model that he was banging and then punch her and then yell all this stuff and then be like that if he's a catholic i don't get it if he loves the jesus christ well it's because he's a giant hypocrite that's what oh right that's right
right oh good thanks jimmy okay it's because he's a hypocrite honey oh right good for him hey moron i know you're a sports fan george steinbrenner died what do you have to say about that that guy made a lot of money for the black guys i'll tell you that right isn't that right that he did that were there black guys on the yankees yes yes there were black guys so then that guy he was not a racist then at all right well i didn't know anybody was accusing him of being a race i don't understand why you're bringing this up why would you say
something like that i don't know either i i never thought about it like that until i heard rush limbaugh say it and i was like yeah i guess that guy did make a lot of money for a lot of african-americans so that's a good point that he's not a racist even though nobody ever said he was in the first place what's this on the credit card bill oh no that's nothing that was therese that was for
the fireworks oh my god she spent 400 dollars on fireworks yeah but threes it was the pro black cat big fireworks mega banger with the world class 500 gram finale cakes.
It was worth it.
You should get stuck in the hands of me.
We're in the reason.
It's my one pleasure.
I blow up my words because I'm a good American.
Yeah!
Good moron!
And we are not even going to meet you.
You don't care about our country.
Good moron!
And that was another episode of Tuesdays with Moron on Wednesday.
That's the joke.
Okay, and that was another moron.
I'm so happy whenever he calls in.
Well, now I'll give this an opportunity to talk about this.
Oh, my God.
When Moron said, I feel like I'm getting somewhere.
Funniest thing I've heard.
Well, you know, a lot of people are going to make the argument that she was baiting Mel Gibson into that.
Because you could tell she is.
You know, she is a literary.
There's a couple of places where it sounds like, yeah, she's stringing him out.
He admits to all the things that he has done, though.
That's the thing.
It's like, I think she baited him just to see, I just want to show people what he does on a daily basis.
Yeah, in a lot of ways, that's like saying, yeah, you know, that guy raped that girl, but she was wearing a short dress.
Which, do you remember the case in Florida where they found the guy's not guilty because the girl wasn't wearing panties?
Well, it was two in the morning.
No, that's true.
And there's actually a clip of Bill O'Reilly saying the same thing about a girl who got raped in New York.
It doesn't seem like she needed to necessarily bait him all that much.
No, she didn't.
I mean, he's fully loaded and berserk.
On how many release tapes?
Four?
Well, the weird thing that he would say the N-word like that, like, you're going to be raped by.
But then he said a pack, a pack of them.
Like, that, it's like, by the way, I'm going to be racist right now for no reason.
You're not talking to a black guy.
You don't want to.
Like, somebody could even say, well, he was talking to a black guy and he wanted to hurt him.
And he knew that was the thing that would really hurt.
He's not talking to a black guy.
He just all of a sudden goes, oh, by the way, blacks are animals.
Yeah.
Just all of a sudden out of nowhere.
I don't think any amount of anger is going to make that come out of your brain unless that's there to begin with.
I could be punching.
I made this argument to a friend of mine recently.
And he was saying that, you know, you have to cut cops a lot of slack if they say racist things because it's in the heat of the moment.
And I'm like, you know, I've been in a lot of heated moments.
And at no point did I ever think to yell something.
I could be punching a black guy in the face, and I don't think I would say the N-word.
I really don't think so.
Like, I would be conscious.
It would be an anyway.
That's all I'm going to say.
It just goes to show you how, you know, crazy show businesses.
One minute you're a beloved anti-semite.
the next minute you have a filthy racist.
I think not only does Mel Gibson need medication, I think he might need his own pill.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He might need his own pharmaceutical company working around the clock to dial in.
Because obviously he has a chemical imbalance.
Side effects, Beth, though.
Do you think he has a chemical imbalance?
Pleasantness?
I don't think he does.
I mean, you know, anything can be done.
He's an untreated alcoholic.
That's the first problem.
That's it, right?
And one of the manifestations of untreated alcoholism, the longer it goes untreated, is incredible rage and incredible depression.
Oh, yeah.
There will be blood.
One of the reasons why I love the movie so much was it was the most accurate portrayal of untreated alcoholism ever.
Nothing is ever enough.
You constantly blame other people for your misery and your rage and your depression, Bill.
Because really what rage a lot of times is, is just depression that needs a release.
Really?
Yeah.
And he is the guy from There Will Be Blood.
He's got $600 million.
He made $600 million.
Right.
You would think most people would go, okay, now it can relax a little bit, take it easy.
No, right?
No.
No, he's, in fact, I heard when he left his wife and family for the young hop model he was banging as a good Catholic, he had $900 million.
I'm not a mathematician, but that's almost a billion.
Yeah.
And he left her, and it's like, well, so now what do you exactly?
Now you just need Bill Angry.
He needs to drink some milkshakes.
Yeah.
By the way, Jimmy, I'm Asian, and you're right.
That's close to a billion.
Thank you very much.
And now William Morris has dropped him.
But it's not a huge loss because they still have Russell Crowe and Angry.
They have still an angry race.
Jimmy, your job, I think, for the next Jimmy Doerr show would be to put together an angry Catholic montage with Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Mel Gibson.
Just a montage of all them saying things.
Or have Yackety Sax play under it.
And I'll also get the president of the Catholic League, Bill O'Donoghue.
Or that guy, yeah.
That's not pedophilia.
That's not what they're talking about.
It's just all these kids over 13 years old.
I am still angry you sent me that clip.
Paul doesn't know what we're talking about.
I think I do.
I have clips of.
As somebody who was raised Catholic, there is a special brand of boiling anger in Catholics.
Well, I will say this.
Now, my dad, who I love and is a great man, and one of the most honest guys I've ever met in my life, and raised 12 kids and all that.
He's a great guy.
But my grandfather was a drinker.
I don't know if he was technically an alcoholic, but my father didn't drink because of it.
None.
That was a good decision.
Dry drunk.
So then he had, so, yeah, so then there still kind of passes down through a generation.
And the joke I used to tell is my dad had two emotions.
My dad had two emotions, angry and not angry yet.
But he retired over 20 years ago.
He's been retired.
He retired at 57.
That's when guys could do stuff like that and still have 12 kids and be a blue-collar guy.
And what corporation is going to piss his pension away?
And yeah, no kidding.
Well, he invested in mutual funds smartly when he was younger.
But yeah, that dry drunk thing.
There's a lot.
George Bush, they say, was a dry drunk, right?
Actually, yeah, the worst possible thing in the world is an alcoholic who doesn't drink but is untreated, like doesn't have a program working for them.
It is a nightmare to be around people like that.
You're like, you need to drink.
You need to just go back.
Like, if you're going to do this, you need to just go back to drinking.
Really?
So intolerable human beings.
Full of resentment, fear, anger, grandiosity, and self-pity.
Wow.
That sounds like my best friend.
Didn't we just find out that they also won't allow you to play the tapes?
I don't understand either.
Like, you can't play the Mel Gibson tapes off that one radar, whatever, the dot-com that has it.
They say, just warning, you can't play this.
We own this.
And I'm like, because I wanted to play it on the show.
Really?
Because I saw, before I came in here, there was an infomercial, Time Life, selling a four-part anthology of Mel Gibson Rich.
Daddy, what was Mel Gibson like?
A child's question, but not a childish question.
All right, before we move out, we've got a few minutes left here.
Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont.
I'm going to be there this Friday and Saturday, bringing the Jimmy Door hilarity.
Just go to flapperscomedy.com to check out who's performing and pick the shows you'd like to see.
But I know it's going to be me anyway, so why am I even telling you that, bitches?
And thanks to our friend Dave Reinitz over at Flappers for making all this stuff available.
Dave's doing a great job with Flappers.
It's the kind of way comedy should be seen.
Intimate, small room.
I think it's just over 100 seats, right?
And in Claremont.
And in Claremont, right?
Now, how many minutes do we have left, Ali?
We got about four minutes left.
Can we talk more about Mel Gibson or should we move on?
I can't get enough of talking about Mel Gibson.
I want to let people also know that our good friend of the show, James Adomian, and if you don't remember his name, he's the one who did the Jesse Ventura on the show.
Why should I put my money in a bang?
His Jesse Ventura is unbelievable.
Dead on.
It's ridiculous.
Yes.
A lot of his impressions are so dead on.
Well, he's doing well.
He just got announced he's at the Montreal Comedy Festival this week, and he's in the new faces.
Plus, he's doing great on Last Comic Standard.
So that's a good question.
Why is he not on Saturday Night Live?
Well, he's like a Phil Hartman.
Yes, he's been on my Poppin' Politics show at the UCB Theater.
I mean, I've had him on ever since then.
I'm like, why isn't this guy back tried to, like, you should get known somehow?
Yeah.
Maybe he'd be on my show more.
Now, people may also know him as the guy that did George Bush on Craig Ferguson.
Yes, correct.
Yes.
So that's congrats to James Adomian.
And tomorrow night, Eddie Pepitone, friend of the show, was going to be at the improv.
I'm going to be there with him.
10 p.m. show at the improv in Hollywood.
Yeah, Eddie Pepitone.
I love that guy.
And the next pod, Paul, you're going to be on the next Poppin' Politics show, which is the 31st.
July 31st, I will be doing my Republican character, Richard Martin.
At the UCB Theater.
That's a 10 p.m. show.
I'm going to be doing my Mexican character.
Yes, we love the Mexican character.
I don't know if that's a character.
Anyway, and we have a hard time talking because you know me.
I know Agua Guacamole.
And let's go ahead.
Mel Gibson, one more time.
Anybody want to?
In the tape, when he's screaming, he sounds like every husband in a lifetime movie about battered women.
Yes, he does.
Yes, he does.
Yeah, what did he say at the end?
What was his quote that he said?
There's so many brilliant ones.
He was like, you can trust me, or I'll do that, or you can count on it that he's going to kill him or something like that.
He's going to put him in a rose bed.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to put you in a rose bed.
He's going to hit you ahead with a bet.
Yeah.
I'll do it.
I love that he's so angry, he gets winded in the middle of taking down a class of people.
Yes.
He needs an oxygen tank to finish his thought on a group of people he hates.
Well, did you hear – and if you – What you wanted to.
Just a second.
So, yeah, I can't play.
I'm not legally allowed to play that now.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I could, then I would have to take it to court, but we don't have legal lawyers' fees here at KPFK, so I'm not going to play it.
But yeah, he starts to breathe in the middle, like he can't catch his breath.
He's screaming, and he's like, You dabbed a pack of nineteen.
And it's pretty much.
He needs to watch Blue Velvet, get some tips from that.
Pretty, pretty stuck.
All right, I want to remind people one more time.
On July 16th and 17th, I'll be at the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont.
July 26th, a special political fundraiser for Melissa Fox at the Irvine Comedy Club, the Irvine Improv.
Go to votemelissafox.com for more information and to get tickets.
And the next pop and politics show at the UCB is the 31st of July at 10 p.m.
Everybody's going to be there.
And for all the information, you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You send the email.
You sign the email list.
I'm going to let you know when I'm coming to your town with the Jimmy Dore show.
And I want to thank everybody who helped make this show possible.
Of course, in the studio with me, Step Sam Murano, Paul Gilmartin, Jared Mosowitz, and why am I blanking?
Robert Yasimura.
Oh my God, for a second.
Robert Yasamura and everybody else who helped put this together, Ben Zalavansky, Stan Stankos.
And I want to say gracias to our producer, Ali Lexa, for getting it done.
And of course, to our listeners, a big thanks to everybody.
We're getting the podcast, which is available for free at iTunes and also at kpfk.org.
And if you missed any part of today's show, you can get it at the podcast, KPFK.
And until next week, I'm Jimmy Dore.
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