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July 19, 2024 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
37:48
S6E12 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT (FREE PART)

Just because a lot of black women die during childbirth doesn't mean you killed them. Also, Gavin just got back from doing Roseanne Barr's podcast and the incompetence at the airport was alarming.

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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Fire, grating, getting killed, shooting or showing what's in black, getting killed.
They spill our minds with poison, they try to send him to prison.
Can't sacrifice your billions, burns all of your hearts.
You can't kill who God doesn't want dead.
We're so sick and tired of the games you play No apologies for things I have to say Filling the air with your lies and dis...
That was...
Can't be killed Small Voice is the band from Southern California.
You know, we ran out of Gatorade, so I'm super dehydrated from being wasted yesterday.
And there's only beer to drink.
It's weird when you hydrate with beer.
It just feels wrong.
But yeah, that's the picture of Trump being wished out by the secret cervix.
I like to see What would you call that?
Metalcore?
I like to see death metal bands promoting Trump.
He's officially cool as of this weekend.
I just got back from Roseanne Barr's house where I wet her bed in the guest room.
I hope they don't notice.
It was through my suit.
So there wasn't that much moisture on the and I was on top of the quilt.
So I'm just not going to tell them.
I don't think they watch this show and it'll be it's probably dry by the time they check out in the guest room.
Just like I learned from Jennifer Aniston's house when I wet her guest bed.
I'm always so eager to impress celebrities that I get too wasted.
But yeah I just got back from Austin doing her podcast on my birthday.
She's the greatest person alive.
When we left I said, we're the same.
I'm Roseanne Barr.
And she goes, I'm Gavin McInnes.
Her son is awesome too, Jake.
Beautiful grandchildren.
Little cute baby.
I was hanging out with.
Gigantic eyes.
She looks exactly like Betty Boop.
Huge full head of hair.
But they're out there in the middle of nowhere.
Blanco, Texas, I think it's called.
There's so much I could tell you.
I mean, we talked non-stop all night long.
I think my favorite quote of Roseanne's is she told me that, she told me that Oscar Wilde's last words were, either this wallpaper goes or I go.
And then he died.
I got a bunch of pics.
I should have airdropped you.
I'll do that now, Ryan.
It doesn't make for very good TV, but... Select.
Doot.
Okay.
Forward to a guy named Ryan Rivera?
I believe your name is, right?
Is your name actually Katsu, or you just say that?
It's on your driver's license?
That's my name.
Ryan K. Rivera, I believe, is on my driver's license.
Oh, so your middle name is Katsu?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
That's my middle name.
I was talking to some chick on the plane, and she was like a 26-year-old feminist.
So we just, we were insulting to each other.
It was an acrimonious flight.
I don't mind that.
That's just as pleasant to me as having a nice conversation.
But she was talking about domestic abuse, and I told her that somehow it came up that I went to jail for headbutting that guy who beat up a chick.
And she goes, yes, that's good.
Good you did that.
I'm a political activist when it comes to domestic abuse.
And I go, OK, so that's all Hispanics, you realize.
She goes, that doesn't matter.
Okay.
Well, I've been to domestic abuse court.
A friend of mine was falsely accused and, uh, um, it was four hours long.
We must've seen about 50 cases.
The first two hours were in English and the last two hours were all in Spanish.
So, sorry, but you, you've devoted your life to fighting the Hispanic epidemic of domestic abuse.
Uh, I got this cool Stetson hat.
There.
And I got a little Indian thing around it.
See that band?
And then I fucking threw a feather in there.
I wear Indian shit now.
Is it cultural appropriation if I made three Indians?
I can wear Indian shit.
My jean jacket is covered with powwow and fry bread badges.
I'm an Indian.
Fuck you.
I'm allowed.
And I got these cool boots.
Look at these boots.
They're very Johnny Cash.
When I was buying them, the woman there was a lesbian.
And, uh... Only while you were buying them?
What?
Only while you were buying them?
She was a lesbian?
Yeah, just when I was buying them.
And, uh, I said, this isn't even up to me.
These boots are calling to me.
I don't... I wanted, like, more elaborate ones.
The ones that had, like, crazy lightning bolts and stuff were two grand.
So I'm not doing that, but I said, these boots are calling me.
I don't even have a choice.
I'm being raped.
I'm being boot raped.
Right now.
And she didn't laugh.
She might have been raped.
So?
Then she's very familiar with the act.
Can't hear you.
I have that.
I've only ever used it for blackface, but I could put it on my boots, too.
Didn't laugh at that.
And then when I got to the front to pay, I got this cool belt, too.
See that?
The bird, which is the bald eagle.
They go, did anyone help you today?
I go, yeah, the lesbian helped me out.
And they knew exactly who to click.
Another, that's me and Rosie.
That's a wig, unfortunately.
You know what I realized?
She's my type.
Like, she's had surgery on her eyes.
Obviously, she's crossing them there.
But if you look at young pictures of her, she looks very Mongolian, which is basically why natives look like that.
It's from crossing the Bering Strait, you know, being in, going snow blind.
That's why chinky eyes exist.
Did you know that?
No.
Because they didn't get snow blind if they went like that.
So those people were more successful in the snow.
These people are more successful than these people in the snow.
Blue eyes don't like light.
Yeah, pre that.
She looks kind of hotter now than she did back then.
She had a glow up, Kevin.
I believe is what we call it.
Well, I was disappointed to hear she's had surgery.
The other thing I remember from that trip is... Oh, there's a gun she has that was signed by Donald Trump.
That's my old Stetson.
She doesn't want to use it because it lowers the value.
I'm like, use it!
Shoot it!
Things shouldn't be in cases.
There she was on the cover of Mad Magazine.
That's framed in her studio.
Gross Anne.
She's very happy about that.
Believe it or not, she's incredibly funny.
I don't know if you had guessed that.
Why is there a play symbol on these pictures?
Because they come right from your messages.
I wanted the quickest way to get them.
But they're not live photos, right?
No.
They don't play.
That's just stuff on her wall.
I don't know why I sent you that.
Her and Hill.
There she is hanging with Hill.
She was a liberal.
She was a socialist.
And then she got fired.
That's a deer she shot.
Isn't the taxidermy beautiful on that?
I've never seen taxidermy that goes so far down the body.
That's just a picture in her bathroom.
It's awesome.
Bunch of women cleaning their guns.
Classic Roseanne.
Here we are singing.
Run, girl.
Get out of my life.
My love for you is way out of line.
Better run, girl.
You're much too younger.
Is that like the 50s?
Beautiful.
That's us singing together.
So that'll be up on the site momentarily.
I think we're gonna have to do a short episode today.
I gotta go camping with my family.
I haven't seen them in a long time.
But yeah, the other takeaway, so that Oscar Wilde quote sticks with me.
And then Jake, her son, and I were talking, and we were talking about Texas and Florida and the founders, you know, in the 1600s when the Spanish and the French came.
And I was like, how the fuck did they survive the heat?
You're coming from Europe where it's never above 80 degrees and then you're in the humid jungles of Florida with mosquitoes everywhere and it's 115 degrees with 100% humidity.
I would just have to sit by the ocean and like dip my body in it every hour.
And we were trying to figure it out and then Jake just goes, they were just better than us.
That's the answer to your conundrum.
And I'm like, that's very cathartic, Jake.
Like, let's release ourselves.
Like Vietnam.
How did they survive in the jungles with the mosquitoes and the Viet Cong?
We're gonna shoot them at any given moment?
They were better than us.
The guys who were in Vietnam, I know you're having trouble wrapping your mind around that because you can't imagine you there.
I can't imagine me there either.
We're worse than them.
They were better.
They were stronger.
They were more resilient.
Just higher quality human beings than us.
And once you wrap your mind around that, you're like, oh, I got it.
Yeah, you settled Florida in 1600 because you were a different, you weren't even a human, you were a superhuman.
I'm just a lowly human being.
I have a panic attack when it's over 90 degrees, which it is today, this whole week.
I haven't been to the gym once.
And I haven't been back with Jump Medic in a while.
Jump Medic have returned.
Why didn't the secret cervix have a Jump Medic kit?
Perfect opportunity to use it.
Obviously this goes deeper than we think if people around Trump didn't have a first aid kit at the ready.
Even the dipshit who shot Trump probably had a first aid kit.
The brand new Jump Medic Pro Gen 2 is packed with so much shit it may have actually stopped the bullet so strongly.
What kind of first aid kit do you have at home?
Do you have one in your car when you're camping?
I'm taking this with me today to go camping.
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Wait, you're supposed to make a graphic, Ryan.
Missed by a pube.
Oh yeah, there's a graphic right on screen.
Oh, there it is right there.
Missed by a pube.
I see it now.
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This deal will end Friday, July 26th.
As you can see from the graphic here, the promo code is MISSEDBYAPUBE.
I don't know why he chose that.
I like saying that expression, missed by a pube.
The assassination attempt?
Oh, I get it.
It's the assassination thing.
But saying missed is almost like, it sounds like that's what you wanted to happen.
Yeah.
How about like, survived by a pube?
No?
Yeah.
Rest in peace, he survived by a pube.
Like the opening song said, you can't Kill what God doesn't want to die.
That's a little cooler than missed by a pube.
Yeah.
But whatever.
I don't want to disparage our sponsors.
Don't want to bite the hand that feeds us.
And if you're watching this after the sale, you can enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
That's it for the ad read.
I want to tell you, we almost used this song as the intro.
I don't know.
I love Tom McDonald.
I think he's fucking awesome.
I like his lyrics.
I hate rap.
So there's a problem here.
But this is going around.
Everyone told me to make it the opening song.
I like metalcore more than rap.
They burning the country down with their progressiveness.
It started with changing what gender is, then graduated to you're racist if you think that your life matters and your skin don't have melanin.
They don't want peace, they want skeletons.
They want men to pretend that they're feminine.
They don't want an election.
They got so offended by freedom that they just tried killing the president.
I used to think that the woke were misguided, but now I can see that they're evil.
Twitter is angry that Trump isn't dead.
You know who got shot?
Innocent people.
Thought y'all were tolerant.
I thought we were equals.
I thought you valued how everyone feels.
Then why are y'all celebrating an attempted assassination like you're part of Antifa?
Thank God the left can't aim.
Thank God the right don't riot.
Welcome to the home of the brave.
Freedom ain't afraid of violence.
You wish you was dying?
Bitch, you missed.
Thank God the left can't aim.
Why can't we just shoot straight?
Pretty impressive how fast he turned out.
Y'all are going insane.
Bitch, you missed.
There's no one else you can blame.
Try to lock him up in a cave.
Okay, so I guess that was a myth that he said, Why can't the Jews shoot straight?
What?
Yeah.
Somebody, somebody, and it sounds like that if you listen to it.
When it has those, like, in quotes.
Why can't the Jews shoot straight?
This campaign ad is going around.
It's chill inducing.
I actually stopped watching this.
Because I wanted to watch it with you.
It's sort of like a trailer for a movie you really want to see, like the bike riders I was so excited about, I didn't watch the trailer.
I wish I had, because it fucking sucked.
But I haven't watched this yet.
I saw it and went, ooh!
Let's save that for the baby monsters.
So we're watching this together.
Best quality one we could get.
Wins the presidency.
Load up.
Started off as unlikely, impossible, is now reality.
I will fight for you with every breath in my body, and I will never, ever let you down.
We have a president who actually fulfilled the promises he made during the camp, securing the border to foreign policy.
He now has a record as president, which is pretty damn impressive.
Breaking news out of... The FBI has executed an unprecedented search warrant at President Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate.
The former president has both sides of the political aisle up in arms.
It is a dangerous and unstable moment in American history.
The Justice Department has just indicted former President Donald Trump.
For seven years they hated him.
Come chill free.
Ryan, we could make a way better commercial than this.
I saw a different one.
of the abuse of the prosecutorial power to preempt political decisions.
- I'm chill-free. - I never thought anything like this could happen in America.
The only crime that I have committed is to fearlessly defend our nation from those who-- - Ryan, we could make a way better commercial than this.
- The more that a broken system tells you that you're wrong, the more-- - I saw a different one.
I must have seen a different one.
- Pushing ahead.
This is mundane.
Mundane?
I'm done, man.
That's a pun.
No, it just happened.
It's a coincidence.
What kind of music is this?
Ever heard of Andrew W.K.?
Ever heard of Godflesh?
That's a pun. - No, it just happened, it's a coincidence.
- They're not coming after me, they're coming after you, and I just happened-- - What kind of music is this?
Ever heard of Andrew W.K.?
Ever heard of Godflesh?
Ever heard of Small Voice?
- Make America great again.
America will always rise to every challenge.
Now it's getting better.
Donald Trump seems to always get stronger when challenged.
These types of things, I think, give him strength.
When I'm re-elected, I will totally obliterate the deep state.
This reeks.
As long as we have pride in our beliefs, He used, like, Toby Keith?
He could afford Foreigner?
Jukebox Hero?
I don't fuckin' know.
Wow.
Way to make the most exciting man, in the most exciting time of his life, mediocre.
That's a weird choice.
That reeked.
To put a crowd of people chanting Zeke Hile at the end?
I should've watched it.
Before I fuckin'...
Aired it.
Here's Don Jr.
shutting down some fag.
I like that word.
It's a funny word.
Faggot is funnier than nigger.
But niggers are funnier than faggots.
On the whole.
That's an interesting discussion.
Yeah, Eddie Izzard.
Are niggers funnier than faggots?
Man, I tell you what, I'm Dave Chappelle, I'm funny as hell.
I think so, yeah.
Right?
Fags are like women, they're too silly to be funny.
Eddie Murphy.
Right, it's like they know that they're just dancing around blabbing.
Yeah.
What's that change gonna look like, Don?
Would it practically, your father as president, I think you would even say, was a divisive figure.
What's it gonna look like in the second term?
I don't think he was a divisive figure at all.
I think the media created divisiveness around him.
They lied about Russia.
Divisiveness?
I think you mean division.
They went after him in every which way is possible.
If the media actually starts being an honest broker, talking about the things that he did, the prosperity he brought, the peace deals that he signed around the world, rather than the disaster that we're living right now, I think you'd do everyone in the country a big favor.
Immigration is important to him.
I covered the family separation crisis closely.
Will we continue to see policies like separating 5,000 children deliberately from their parents?
You mean the Obama administration?
You know they didn't do that, sir.
Sure.
Will there be a second family separation policy?
It's MSDNC, so I expect nothing less from you clowns.
Even today, even 48 hours later, you couldn't wait.
You couldn't wait with your lies and with your nonsense.
So just get out of here.
That's the Vice President of the United States, folks.
I think we know why Trump chose Vance.
He's going to run him, and then J.D.
Vance will be President, and Donald Trump Jr.
will be the Vice President.
We all know that's what's going to happen.
I get it.
You know why Trump chose Vance and not Vivek?
Because he's cool to hang out with.
Vivek isn't as much.
I remember this guy Dominic, this director I knew a long time ago, back in Vice days, and he was like, when I hire someone, are you going to be alright to hang out with?
Because as far as qualifications go, like for the role, for your job, I can teach that.
But I'm going to be with you eight hours a day, four hours a week.
So do I like you?
And I think that's what Trump is like.
He's so old now.
He's like, I'm going to save the world.
But if I'm going to be with this guy on Air Force One, I don't know, Vivek's weird.
I don't trust him.
He's a newbie.
That's why you picked me.
You could have had a competent producer or something, but I'm Mr. Q. Yeah.
You don't- you don't hang.
I don't drink.
That's all you- that's your version of hanging.
Well, you know, I would go golfing- When we do Cops Night and we hang out after, you just sit in your little room.
I'm working.
You think the episode just goes pfft and just jumps onto the site?
Okay.
We should go golfing.
That's what men do.
Sober.
You were the worst golfer in the world.
That's not true.
When you got your ball stuck in a tree, you got it in your head that you would throw your club at the ball and it would knock it out of the tree.
Almost got stuck into the tree.
The club itself.
It's unbelievable that you didn't lose your club.
How does a ball get stuck in a tree?
I've never seen it before and I never will see it ever again.
You have a knack.
Alright, I think this list alone proves that nigs are funnier than gays.
I've never heard of that number one.
50 funniest and 200 funniest black comedians.
So already, they're like, there's not only more, but they're better.
Who the fuck is Mateo Lane?
You've never heard of Mateo Lane?
Nope.
He's a New York City comedian guy.
A stand comic guy.
Tim Dillon should be at the top of the list.
Oh yeah, he's gay, that's right.
You know why blacks are funnier?
Because they can be.
Blacks are allowed to say whatever they want.
So that's what good comedy is.
whites are just as funny as blacks but whites aren't allowed to say whatever pops into their head um okay let me tell you about my trip by the way for the competence crisis to Don't do the whole interstitial.
Sure, sure.
But change my background to the Competence Crisis.
I just want to tell you about going to the airport and coming from the airport in 2024.
And this is relevant because I think a lot of you guys are mad at me for saying that the shooter was not hand-picked.
He was just a random retard.
I could be wrong.
Don't get so mad.
This is just a theory I have.
I'm often wrong.
I thought Vivek was going to be the VP.
I was wrong.
So my theory is that he was just a rube brainwashed by media propaganda into shooting the president.
I know there's a lot of factors that say otherwise, but I'm erring on incompetence.
I tend to do that generally.
The spectrum always comes down to evil or retarded, right?
I tend to err more on retarded, but I know the two are not mutually exclusive.
There's evil, like I think it was evil that Mayorkas knowingly hired a secret cervix, knowing it put the president in danger.
That was planned.
That was, I'm gonna earn my BlackRock points by promoting D.I.E.
Didn't earn it.
D.E.I.
And I don't give a fuck that it jeopardizes the president's, I want him to die.
But as far as going and picking a guy, no.
And letting Trump get shot, I don't believe that.
I know you guys do, and I know it makes for a better show to be more Alex Jones-ian, but I gotta be honest with you.
I'm nothing if I don't speak the truth.
But anyway, let me just tell you why I always err on the side of incompetence.
The White House is just a giant DMV.
I know billionaires.
I know powerful people.
They're retarded.
So let me tell you about my trip.
Okay, I get picked up on Tuesday.
The Uber's GPS didn't work.
He should have a satellite GPS.
If you're an Uber driver, you should have the highest quality GPS known to man.
My flight was delayed.
My gate was changed.
I have clear and TSA pre-check.
I said to the woman, what's faster here?
What line-up's faster?
She goes, they're both long line-ups.
Okay.
So I do TSA pre-check.
As I'm in TSA pre-check, which was a long line, I notice there's zero line for clear.
Now, I think she knew that.
I think she's racist.
I think she doesn't like white men.
She was an Indian.
Push start.
Not feather, obviously.
And, uh, I think she doesn't like people like me.
So she just said, go fuck yourself and sent me on my into the longest line.
So that's part of the incompetence crisis is racism.
My flight was delayed again.
And how about this?
It was delayed.
I got another notice.
It had been delayed to 150.
Then I got a notice.
Your flight is delayed again to 151.
The software is incompetent.
You don't need to tell people if the plane is going to be one minute later than what you previously said.
Um, I went to the Delta Lounge because Anthony Cumia taught me to sign up for all that dumb shit.
Wait, that might be, I'm sorry, but that might be for black people.
That might be why.
For black people.
That one minute, like they cut right at, like I've also been guilty of this as a person of color.
Like I'll get there right on time sometimes for poor planning.
One minute is statistically irrelevant.
I've sprinted with zero minutes.
I go to the Delta Lounge.
I got, so at the Delta Lounge, Old Forester's free, but Maker's Mark costs money.
I don't like Old Forester, so I got Maker's Mark.
I know it's going to cost me $15.30.
Fine.
I talked to the woman.
I tried the Old Forester.
No, I'll just do Maker's.
Okay.
Then I get a free beer, which is Michelob Ultra.
I have that.
I go, can I wrap up?
She comes over.
What?
Oh, that's free.
Okay.
Let's pretend I didn't have a maker's mark, you stupid bitch.
I mean, I'm not mad.
That's the beauty of the competence crisis.
You often get free drinks.
We sat on the runway for an hour because we were delayed, so we lost our place in the lineup.
By the way, exact same story coming back.
Flight delayed an hour, sat on the fucking runway for an hour, and I'm in first class.
You're supposed to bring us drinks.
I didn't get a drink until maybe two hours after I got on the plane.
And by the time I got it, the rocks were all but melted.
That's how long it took her.
I got my drink with my food.
I know it sounds relevant, but it's... it's indicative of a pattern.
It's a metric.
Uh... Oh, I, um...
I went to rent a car and Orbitz didn't work.
I'm just giving you a selection of my life to show you all the incompetence that is just in this one little tidbit.
I went to rent a car on Orbitz.
It went on a loop.
I couldn't rent.
And then I got billed.
So it did charge me for something that I couldn't process.
So I've given you two examples so far of software being incompetent.
Computers.
Oh, and then I left.
I'll send you a picture of this.
This is perfect.
I saw this guy as I got my rental and he was vacuuming.
And I looked down and his vacuum was picking up nothing at all.
And it was a black carpet that had tons of lint on it.
And he was just going through the motions.
And I saw this with a black dude in Manchester when I was there last year.
He was buffing this part of the airport that looked fine.
I don't know what you're doing.
He was in a big buffing machine.
And I realized this is just black charity.
Some people hire blacks because it's the best way to give a reliable black person money.
He's showing up for work.
His work is completely irrelevant.
But I feel good about myself and I'm helping the community by employing a black guy to do nothing.
He might as well be digging a hole and filling it again.
This guy's vacuum, I just sent it to you Ryan, did not work.
I could see the white particles on the black rug and they weren't being picked up.
And he didn't notice!
He was just like, here I am vacuuming with my jet pack.
See how much you can zoom in on that?
It's not a very good photo, but...
Like, just trust me when I say, that vacuum did not work.
It was just, it might as well have been blowing hot air.
But he's employed and we got a guy doing something.
Also in my incompetence, a tiny Mexican man.
Oh yeah, I go to a bar, The Dead Rabbit.
You know who I hung out with is Ben Bankas.
In fact, I opened for him.
I was so blackout drunk, I have no recollection of my set.
I assume it was terrible.
You know, stand-up comedy is like karaoke.
If you get really shit-faced, you suck at it.
But, uh, great guy!
Great guy.
He's living down in Austin now.
You know Ben Bankas, right?
Yeah, yeah.
He's the guy who does the Chinese voices.
He's from Canada.
Rosanna said, I'm a comedy nerd.
Who's hot right now?
And I said, Ryan Long, El Orlando, Ben Bankas, Comrade Trip.
And then that gay dude who does the funny imitations.
Butt.
When he says butt, you know who I'm talking about?
Yeah, I forget his name.
My wife thinks I'm 5'3".
Michael Alvarez?
Yeah, yeah, he's got a Hispanic name.
But we go to the Dead Rabbit, me and Ben, and the Mexican bartender cannot reach the Telemundo.
Now, I'm not faulting someone for being short.
It's not incompetent to be short.
Ryan's incompetent and short.
But, have a footstool.
Have a fucking thing you can stand on.
Was it taller more do?
What?
Taller more do you said?
Oh you're doing a pun joke.
I'm just trying to figure out that the whiskey at hand here.
Yeah I appreciate that you're a new father and you can't say faggot and retard and nigger in your house and fucking shit and piss but don't impose your terrible sanitized comedy on me.
Remember we talked about how gays are doing a fake voice and you can tell when they wipe out?
And we had a trans woman who wiped out on her mountain bike and went, oh fuck!
Holy shit!
And then went right back to, oh my god, you guys.
So it's a real thing.
And here is a dad covering his faggot son in coffee.
And the real kid coming out.
What the fuck, dad?
Isn't that great?
Just keep doing that till he's straight.
Could he deserve it more?
Wait a minute, I should have... Before abandoning the competence crisis subject, go check out these emails.
One's just called competence crisis.
Actually, they're both called competence crisis.
Got them.
So this is me getting a... I think I was getting Delta Wi-Fi on the plane.
Select the images most related to the provided sample.
The provided sample appears to be a board meeting room.
And what do you think relates to a board meeting more?
A couple of planes?
Some apples?
A bird?
Or a shelf?
The answer is none of the above.
This software is incompetent.
The robots no longer work.
So, what would you click on?
I clicked on the bottom middle, because I'm like, I guess it's furniture?
I don't know.
It said, nope, try again.
Wait, really?
And then the next one, Was another board meeting with equally ridiculous symbols, lots of fruit the second time, and again I was rejected.
No.
What the fuck?
Did you ever figure it out?
No.
I gave up.
That's crazy.
I did not have...
You know what's fucking crazy?
My flight was Tuesday at 2 p.m.
I got on, some Jew broad had her water there and I knocked it with my ass and got my seat wet so I had a first-class wet ass for the ride down.
Guess who's sitting next to me on the way back two days later?
Tiger Woods.
The same fucking broad.
What are the odds?
I mean, I didn't like her because she got my ass wet, but I had to break the ice on the way back.
I go, no fucking way.
And she was like, literally, what are the odds?
It's got to be in the millions.
I should've bought a lottery ticket.
And what's the other competence crisis thing?
Okay, this is not a, well, I shouldn't say this isn't a joke.
My son ordered Domino's Pizza on Tuesday, right before I left for the airport.
This is what he got.
Is this the funniest person who's ever worked at Domino's?
The computer says, no.
I think this is a retard.
Like, this is the competence crisis.
Look how small that piece in the middle right is.
I'm not joking.
This is how our Domino's Pizza arrived.
And I didn't take a night course in cutting pizzas or cakes.
I just sussed it out.
You probably want to do a bunch of diagonal lines that go across the diameter of the circle.
This person, this quality of immigrant we're getting right now, not only did they not invent the wheel, they can't even figure out what a wheel is.
How do you, like, who cuts that?
And then, how do you box that up and go, we're good to go.
Send it.
Just gonna send it.
Well, it could be very considerate for a party atmosphere.
Hear me out.
The middle small slice could be kind of an appetizer.
For a baby.
Just like a little teaser baby, yes.
Yeah, maybe a baby wants some pizza.
And they don't like crust.
So right in the middle, baby slice.
Right in the middle, we got a little baby slice.
Got a little tiny slice.
I was hanging out with babies all week.
Kind of for a bigger kid, but, you know, like maybe two years old.
Then there's the big hunger man in the bottom.
Yeah, this is for the dad dad.
That's John Goodman.
He gots his big slice.
John Goodman.
And, um, then every other one.
They are retarded, but the other ones seem like they have a purpose.
Alright, we're going behind the paywall.
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Bye.
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I gotta go.
Look at this.
This is the way my dad cuts his pizza.
So this is a thing he does.
So what is that?
An initial swoop?
Yeah, you know, a lot of people, when they see something as incompetent as the pizza I just showed, they don't want to take it.
So they go, maybe she was doing it on purpose.
Maybe it was a gag.
Because I've heard people say that about Scary Perry.
They're like, maybe the joke's on you.
And he's fucking with you guys!
I get that you don't want to swallow the truth and you can't handle the truth.
I don't blame you.
But, yeah.
That's real.
And that person's retarded.
I have a theory about airports.
Okay, end the show now.
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