Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S6E12 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT (FREE PART)

July 19, 2024 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

37:45

S6E12 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT (FREE PART)

Just because a lot of black women die during childbirth doesn't mean you killed them. Also, Gavin just got back from doing Roseanne Barr's podcast and the incompetence at the airport was alarming.

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	That was Can't Be Killed.
	Small Voice is the band from Southern California.
	You know, we ran out of Gatorade, so I'm super dehydrated from being wasted yesterday.
	And there's only beer to drink.
	It's weird when you hydrate with beer.
	It just feels wrong.
	But yeah, that's the picture of Trump being whisked out by the Secret Cervix.
	I like to see, what would you call that?
	Metal Core.
	I like to see death metal bands promoting Trump.
	He's officially cool as of this weekend.
	I just got back from Roseanne Barr's house where I wet her bed in the guest room.
	I hope they don't notice.
	It was through my suit, so there wasn't that much moisture on the, and I was on top of the quilt, so I'm just not going to tell them.
	I don't think they watch this show.
	And it's probably dry by the time they check out in the guest room, just like I learned from Jennifer Anniston's house when I wet her guest bed.
	I'm always so eager to impress celebrities that I get too wasted.
	But yeah, I just got back from Austin doing her podcast on my birthday.
	She's the greatest person alive.
	When we left, I said, we're the same.
	I'm Roseanne Barr.
	And she goes, I'm Gavin McInnes.
	Her son is awesome too, Jake.
	Beautiful grandchildren.
	Little cute baby I was hanging out with.
	Gigantic eyes.
	She looks exactly like Betty Boop.
	Huge full head of hair.
	But they're out there in the middle of nowhere.
	Blanco, Texas, I think it's called.
	There's so much I could tell you.
	I mean, we talked non-stop all night long.
	I think my favorite quote of Roseanne's is, she told me that Oscar Wilde's last words were, either this wallpaper goes or I go.
	And then he died.
	I got a bunch of pics.
	I should have airdropped you.
	I'll do that now, Ryan.
	It doesn't make for very good TV, but select, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
	Okay.
	Forward to a guy named Ryan Rivera, I believe your name is, right?
	Is your name actually Katsu or you just say that?
	It's on your driver's nice license.
	That's my license?
	Ryan K. Rivera, I believe, is on my driver's license.
	Oh, so your middle name is Katsu?
	Yes.
	Oh, okay.
	That's my middle name.
	I was talking to some chick on the plane, and she was like a 26-year-old feminist.
	So we just, we were insulting to each other.
	It was an acrimonious flight.
	I don't mind that.
	That's just as pleasant to me as having a nice conversation.
	But she was like, she's talking about domestic abuse.
	And I told her that somehow it came up that I went to jail for headbutting that guy who beat up a chick.
	And she goes, yes, that's good.
	Good you did that.
	I'm a political activist when it comes to domestic abuse.
	And I go, okay, so that's all Hispanics, you realize.
	She goes, that doesn't matter.
	Okay, well, I've been to domestic abuse court.
	A friend of mine was falsely accused.
	And it was four hours long.
	We must have seen about 50 cases.
	The first two hours were in English, and the last two hours were all in Spanish.
	So sorry, but you've devoted your life to fighting the Hispanic epidemic of domestic abuse.
	I got this cool Stetson hat there, and I got a little Indian thing around it.
	See that band?
	And then I fucking threw a feather in there.
	I wear Indian shit now.
	Is it cultural appropriation if I made three Indians?
	I can wear Indian shit.
	My jean jacket is covered with powwow and fry bread badges.
	I'm an Indian.
	Fuck you.
	I'm allowed.
	And I got these cool boots.
	Look at these boots.
	They're very Johnny Cash.
	When I was buying them, the woman there was a lesbian.
	Only while you were buying them?
	What?
	Only while you were buying them?
	She was a lesbian?
	Yeah, just when I was buying them.
	And I said, this isn't even up to me.
	These boots are calling to me.
	I wanted more elaborate ones.
	The ones that had crazy lightning bolts and stuff were too grand.
	So I'm not doing that.
	But I said, these boots are calling to me.
	I don't even have a choice.
	I'm being raped.
	I'm being boot raped right now.
	And she didn't laugh.
	She might have been raped.
	So?
	Then she's very familiar with the act.
	She said, can you moisturize them too?
	I don't know if you have anything.
	Black shoe polish.
	And I go, yeah, I have that.
	I've only ever used it for blackface, but I could put it on my boots, too.
	Didn't laugh at that.
	And then when I got to the front to pay, I got this cool belt, too.
	You see that?
	The bird which is the bald eagle.
	They go, did anyone help you today?
	And I go, yeah, the lesbian helped me out.
	And they knew exactly who to click.
	Another, that's me and Rosie.
	That's a wig, unfortunately.
	You know what I realized?
	She's my type.
	Like, she's had surgery on her eyes.
	Obviously, she's crossing them there.
	But if you look at young pictures of her, she looks very Mongolian, which is basically why natives look like that.
	It's from crossing the Bering Strait, you know, going snowblind.
	That's why chinky eyes exist.
	Did you know that?
	Snow.
	Because they didn't get snowblind if they went like that.
	So those people were more successful in the snow.
	These people are more successful than these people in the snow.
	Blue eyes don't like light.
	Yeah, pre that.
	She looks kind of hotter now than she did back then.
	She had a glow up, Kevin, I believe is what we call it.
	Well, I was disappointed to hear she's had surgery.
	The other thing I remember from that trip is, oh, there's a gun she has that was signed by Donald Trump.
	That's my old Stetson.
	She doesn't want to use it because it lowers the value.
	I'm like, use it.
	Shoot it.
	Things shouldn't be in cases.
	There she was on the cover of Mad Magazine.
	That's framed in her studio.
	Gross and.
	She's very happy about that.
	Believe it or not, she's incredibly funny.
	I don't know if you had guessed that.
	Why is there a play symbol on these pictures?
	Because they come right from your messages.
	I wanted the quickest way to get them.
	But they're not live photos, right?
	No.
	They don't play.
	That's just stuff on her wall.
	I don't know why I sent you that.
	Her and Hill.
	There she is hanging with Hill.
	She was a liberal.
	She was a socialist.
	And then she got fire.
	That's a deer she shot.
	Isn't the taxidermy beautiful on that?
	I've never seen taxidermy that goes so far down the body.
	That's just a picture in her bathroom.
	That's awesome.
	Bunch of women cleaning their guns.
	Classic Roseanne.
	Well, here we are singing.
	Young girl, get out of my life.
	My love for you is sweet on the line.
	Better run, girl.
	You're much too young, girl.
	Is that like the 50s?
	Beautiful.
	That's us singing together.
	So that'll be up on the site momentarily.
	I think we're going to have to do a short episode today.
	I got to go camping with my family.
	I haven't seen them in a long time.
	But yeah, the other takeaway, so that Oscar Wilde quote sticks with me.
	And then Jake, her son and I were talking, and we were talking about Texas and Florida and the founders, you know, in the 1600s when the Spanish and the French came.
	And I was like, how the fuck did they survive the heat?
	You're coming from Europe where it's never above 80 degrees and then you're in the humid jungles of Florida with mosquitoes everywhere and it's 115 degrees with 100% humidity.
	I would just have to sit by the ocean and like dip my body in it every hour.
	And we were trying to figure it out and then Jake just goes, they were just better than us.
	That's the answer to your conundrum.
	And I'm like, that's very cathartic, Jake.
	Like, let's release ourselves.
	Like, Vietnam, how did they survive in the jungles with the mosquitoes and the Viet Cong?
	We're going to shoot them at any given moment.
	They were better than us.
	The guys who were in Vietnam, I know you're having trouble wrapping your mind around that because you can't imagine you there.
	I can't imagine me there either.
	We're worse than them.
	They were better.
	They were stronger.
	They were more resilient.
	They're just higher quality human beings than us.
	And once you wrap your mind around that, you're like, oh, I got it.
	Yeah, you settled Florida in 1600 because you were a different, you weren't even a human.
	You were a superhuman.
	I'm just a lowly human being.
	I have a panic attack when it's over 90 degrees, which it is today this whole week.
	I haven't been to the gym once.
	And I haven't been back with Jump Medic in a while.
	Jump Medic have returned.
	Why didn't the Secret Servix have a Jump Medic kit?
	Perfect opportunity to use it.
	Obviously, this goes deeper than we think if people around Trump didn't have a first aid kit at the ready.
	Even the dipshit who shot Trump probably had a first aid kit.
	The brand new Jump Medic Pro Gen 2 is packed with so much shit, it may have actually stopped the bullet so strongly.
	What kind of first aid kit do you have at home?
	Do you have one in your car when you're camping?
	I'm taking this with me today to go camping.
	When you're catching a bullet with your ear, there is no other first aid kit on the market that has real life-saving equipment and useful diagnostic tools like a jump medic.
	Our kits are the only kits that include a glucose meter, a pulse oxometer, thermometer, ring cutter, blood pressure cuff, stethoscope, metal pen light.
	These kits are shipped free to you with real-life human customer service.
	Jump minute kits are also a third of the price.
	Wait, you're supposed to make a graphic, Ryan.
	Missed by a pube?
	Oh yeah, there's a graphic right there.
	Oh, there it is right there.
	Missed by a pube.
	I see it now.
	For 25% off until July 26th.
	Jump minute kits are also a third of the price of the competition, but wait, there's more.
	We usually do a 10% off for baby monsters, but for one week, we will be doing 25% off.
	Why?
	The baby monsters bought everything we had, so shipping times will be a tad longer than the normal 48-hour turnaround.
	Take advantage of our shitty logistics team and get 25% off your next order.
	This deal will end Friday, July 26th.
	As you can see from the graphic here, the promo code is missed by a pube.
	I don't know why he chose that.
	I like saying that expression, missed by a pube.
	The assassination attempt?
	Oh, I get it.
	It's the assassination thing.
	But saying missed is almost like it sounds like that's what you wanted to happen.
	Yeah.
	How about survived by a pube?
	No.
	Yeah.
	Press in peace.
	He's survived by a pube.
	Like the opening song said, you can't kill what God doesn't want to die.
	That's a little cooler than missed by a pube.
	But whatever.
	I don't want to disparage our sponsors.
	I don't want to bite the hand that feeds us.
	And if you're watching this after the sale, you can enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
	That's it for the ad read.
	I want to tell you, we almost used this song as the intro.
	I don't know.
	I love Tom McDonald.
	I think he's fucking awesome.
	I like his lyrics.
	I hate rap.
	So there's a problem here.
	But this is going around.
	Everyone told me to make it the opening song.
	I like metalcore more than rap.
	They burning the country down with their progressiveness.
	It started with changing what gender is.
	Then graduated to your racist if you think that your life matters and your skin don't have melanin.
	They don't want peace, they want skeletons.
	They want men to pretend that they're feminine.
	They don't want an election, they got so offended by freedom that they just tried killing the president.
	I used to think that the woke were misguided, but now I can see that they're evil.
	Twitter is angry that Trump isn't dead.
	You know who got shot?
	Innocent people.
	Thought y'all were tolerant.
	Thought we were equal.
	I thought you valued how everyone feels.
	And why are y'all celebrating and detecting assassination like you're part of a people?
	Thank God the left can't aim.
	Thank God the right don't riot.
	Welcome to the home of the brave.
	Freedom and afraid of violence.
	You wish you was dying?
	Bitch, you missed.
	Thank God the left can't aim.
	Pretty impressive how fast he's going Okay Okay, so I guess that was a myth that he said, why can't the Jews shoot straight?
	What?
	Yeah, somebody's somebody.
	And it sounds like that if you listen to it, when it has those, like, in quotes.
	Why can't the Jews shoot straight?
	What?
	This campaign ad is going around.
	It's chill-inducing.
	I actually stopped watching this because I wanted to watch it with you.
	It's sort of like a trailer for a movie you really want to see, like the bike riders.
	I was so excited about.
	I didn't watch the trailer.
	I wish I had because it fucking sucked.
	But I haven't watched this yet.
	I saw it and went, ooh!
	Let's save that for the baby monsters.
	So we're watching this together.
	Best quality one we could get.
	Wins the presidency.
	Started off as unlikely, it's impossible is reality.
	I will fight for you with every breath in my body, and I will never, ever let you down.
	We have a president who actually fulfilled the promises he made during the campaign.
	Breaking news out of portion of the state.
	The NBI has executed an unprecedented search warrant at President Donald Trump's state.
	This is a dangerous and unstable moment in American history.
	The Justice Department has just indicted former President Donald Trump.
	For seven years, they hated him.
	They targeted him.
	They hunted him.
	This is the epitome of the abuse of the prosecutorial power to preempt political decisions.
	I'm chill free.
	I never thought anything like this could happen in America.
	The only crime that I have committed is to fearlessly defend our nation from those who...
	We could make a way better commercial than this.
	I saw a different one.
	I must have seen a different one.
	Pushing ahead.
	They wanna take away my prison because I will never let them take away.
	This is mundane.
	Mundane?
	I'm done, man.
	That's a pun.
	No, it just happened.
	It's a coincidence.
	They're not coming after me.
	They're coming after you.
	And I just happen to be able to do it.
	What kind of music is this?
	Ever heard of Andrew W.K. Ever heard of God Flesh?
	Justice will be done.
	Ever heard of Small Voice?
	We will make America great again.
	America will always rise to every challenge.
	Now it's getting better.
	Every danger.
	Donald Trump seems to always get stronger when challenged.
	These types of things, I think, give him strength.
	When I'm re-elected, I will totally obliterate the deep state.
	It's weak.
	As long as we have pride in our beliefs, courage and our views like Toby Keith, and faith in our God.
	You could afford then foreigner?
	Jukebox hero?
	I don't fucking know.
	Wow.
	We didn't make the most exciting man in the most exciting time of his life mediocre.
	That's a weird choice.
	That reeked.
	To put a crowd of people chanting Zylkin before I fucking heard it.
	Here's Don Jr. shutting down some fag.
	I like that word.
	Funny word.
	Faggot is funnier than nigger.
	But niggers are funnier than faggots.
	That's an interesting discussion.
	Yeah, Eddie Isard.
	Are niggers funnier than faggots?
	Man, I tell you what, I'm Dave Chappelle.
	I'm funny as hell.
	I think so, yeah.
	Right?
	Fags are like women.
	They're too silly to be funny.
	Eddie Murphy.
	Right.
	It's like they know that.
	They're just dancing around blabbing.
	Yeah.
	What's that change going to look like, Don?
	Practically, your father, as president, I think you would even say was a divisive figure.
	What's it going to look like in the second term?
	I don't think he was a divisive figure at all.
	I think the media created divisiveness around him.
	They lied about Russia's inclusion.
	I think you mean division.
	They went after him in every which ways possible.
	If the media actually starts being an honest broker talking about the things that he did, the prosperity he brought, the peace deals that he signed around the world, rather than the disaster that we're living right now, I think you'd do everyone in the country a big favor.
	I know immigration is important to him.
	I covered the family separation crisis closely when we continue to see policies like separating 5,000 children deliberately from their parents.
	You mean the Obama administration?
	You know they didn't do that, sir.
	Sure.
	Will there be a second family separation policy?
	It's MSDNC, so I expect nothing less from you, clowns.
	Even today, even 48 hours later, you couldn't wait.
	You couldn't wait with your lies and with your nonsense.
	No, just get out of here.
	What is that change?
	That's the vice president of the United States, folks.
	I think we know why Trump chose Vance.
	He's going to run him, and then J.D. Vance will be president, and Donald Trump Jr. will be the vice president.
	We all know that's what's going to happen.
	I get it.
	You know why Trump chose Vance and not Vivek?
	Because he's cool to hang out with.
	Vivek isn't as much.
	Like, I remember this guy, Dominic, this director I knew a long time ago back in Vice days.
	And he was like, when I hire someone, I just play, are you going to be all right to hang out with?
	Because as far as qualifications go, like for the role, for your job, I can teach that.
	But I'm going to be with you eight hours a day, 40 hours a week.
	So do I like you?
	And I think that's what Trump was like.
	He's so old now.
	He's like, I'm going to save the world, but if I'm going to be with this guy on Air Force One, I don't know.
	Vivek's weird.
	I don't trust him.
	He's a newbie.
	That's why you picked me.
	You could have had a competent producer or something, but I'm.
	Mr. Kuhl.
	Yeah.
	You don't hang.
	I don't drink.
	That's your version of hanging.
	Well, you don't go golfing.
	When we do cops night and we hang out after, you just sit in your little room.
	I'm working.
	Do you think the episode just goes and just jumps onto the site?
	Okay.
	We should go golfing.
	That's what men do.
	Sober.
	You were the worst golfer in the world.
	Not true.
	When you got your ball stuck in a tree, you got it in your head that you would throw your club at the ball and it would knock it out of the tree.
	Almost got stuck into the tree.
	It's unbelievable that you didn't lose your club.
	How does a ball get stuck in a tree?
	I've never seen it before, and I never will see it ever again.
	You have a knack.
	All right, I think this list alone proves that niggs are funnier than gays.
	I've never heard of that number one.
	50 funniest and 200 funniest black comedians.
	So already, there's not only more, but there's more.
	You've never heard of Mateo Lane?
	Nope.
	He's New York City comedian guy, the stand comic guy.
	Tim Dillon should be at the top of the list.
	Oh, yeah, he's gay, that's right.
	You know why blacks are funnier?
	Because they can be.
	Blacks are allowed to say whatever they want.
	So that's what good comedy is.
	Whites are just as funny as blacks, but whites aren't allowed to say whatever pops into their head.
	Okay, let me tell you about my trip, by the way, for the competence crisis.
	Don't do the whole interstitial.
	Sure, sure.
	But change my background to the competence crisis.
	I just want to tell you about going to the airport and coming from the airport in 2024.
	And this is relevant because I think a lot of you guys are mad at me for saying that the shooter was not handpicked.
	He was just a random retard.
	I could be wrong.
	Don't get so mad.
	This is just a theory I have.
	I'm often wrong.
	I thought Vivek was going to be the VP.
	I was wrong.
	So my theory is that he was just a rube brainwashed by media propaganda into shooting the president.
	I know there's a lot of factors that say otherwise, but I'm erring on incompetence.
	I tend to do that generally when we're...
	I tend to err more on retarded, but I know the two are not mutually exclusive.
	There's evil, like I think it was evil that Majorkis knowingly hired a secret servix, knowing it put the president in danger.
	That was planned.
	That was, I'm going to earn my BlackRock points by promoting DIE.
	Didn't earn it, DEI.
	And I don't give a fuck that it jeopardizes the presidents.
	I want him to die.
	But as far as going and picking a guy, no.
	And letting Trump get shot, I don't believe that.
	I know you guys do.
	And I know it makes for a better show to be more Alex Jonesian.
	But I got to be honest with you.
	I'm nothing if I don't speak the truth.
	But anyway, let me just tell you why I always err on the side of incompetence.
	The White House is just a giant DMV.
	I know billionaires.
	I know powerful people.
	They're retarded.
	So let me tell you about my trip.
	Okay, I get picked up on Tuesday.
	The Uber's GPS didn't work.
	He should have a satellite GPS.
	If you're an Uber driver, you should have the highest quality GPS known to man.
	My flight was delayed.
	My gait was changed.
	I have clear and TSA PreCheck.
	I said to the woman, what's faster here?
	What lineups are faster?
	She goes, they're both long lineups.
	Okay.
	So I do TSA PreCheck.
	As I'm in TSA PreCheck, which was a long line, I noticed there's zero line for clear.
	Now, I think she knew that.
	I think she's racist.
	I think she doesn't like white men.
	She was an Indian, a push start, not feather, obviously.
	And I think she doesn't like people like me.
	So she just said, go fuck yourself and sent me on my into the longest line.
	So that's part of the incompetence crisis is racism.
	My flight was delayed again.
	And how about this?
	It was delayed.
	I got another notice.
	It had been delayed to 150.
	Then I got a notice, your flight is delayed again to 151.
	The software is incompetent.
	You don't need to tell people if the plane is going to be one minute later than what you previously said.
	I went to the Delta Lounge because Anthony Cumia taught me to sign up for all that dumb shit.
	Wait, that might be, I'm sorry, but that might be for black people.
	That might be what?
	For black people.
	That one minute, like, they cut Right at, like, I've also been guilty of this as a person of color.
	Like, I'll get there right on time sometimes for poor planning.
	One minute is statistically irrelevant.
	I've sprinted with I go to the Delta Lounge.
	I got, so at the Delta Lounge, Old Forester is free, but Maker's Mark costs money.
	I don't like Old Forester, so I got Maker's Mark.
	I know it's going to cost me $15, $30.
	Fine.
	I talked to the woman.
	I tried the Old Forester.
	No, I'll just do Maker's.
	Okay.
	Then I get a free beer, which is Michelob Ultra.
	I have that.
	I go, can I wrap up?
	She comes over.
	What?
	Oh, that's free.
	Okay.
	Let's pretend I didn't have a Maker's mark, you stupid bitch.
	I mean, I'm not mad.
	That's the beauty of the competence crisis.
	You often get free drinks.
	We sat on the runway for an hour because we were delayed, so we lost our place in the lineup.
	By the way, exact same story coming back.
	Flight delayed an hour.
	Sat on the fucking runway for an hour.
	And I'm in first class.
	You're supposed to bring us drinks.
	I didn't get a drink until maybe two hours after I got on the plane.
	And by the time I got it, the rocks were all but melted.
	That's how long it took her.
	I got my drink with my food.
	I know it sounds relevant, but it's indicative of a pattern.
	It's a metric.
	Oh, I went to rent a car and orbits didn't work.
	I'm just giving you a selection of my life to show you all the incompetence that is just in this one little tidbit.
	I went to rent a car on orbits.
	It went on a loop I couldn't rent.
	And then I got billed.
	So it did charge me for something that I couldn't process.
	So these are, I've given you two examples so far of software being incompetent.
	Computers.
	Oh, and then I left.
	I'll send you a picture of this.
	This is perfect.
	I saw this guy as I got my rental, and he was vacuuming.
	And I looked down, and his vacuum was picking up nothing at all.
	And it was a black carpet that had tons of lint on it.
	And he was just going through the motions.
	And I saw this with a black dude in Manchester when I was there last year.
	He was buffing this part of the airport that looked fine.
	I don't know what you're doing.
	He was in a big buffing machine.
	And I realized this is just black charity.
	Some people hire blacks because it's the best way to give a reliable black person money.
	He's showing up for work.
	His work is completely irrelevant, but I feel good about myself and I'm helping the community by employing a black guy to do nothing.
	He might as well be digging a hole and filling it again.
	This guy's vacuum, I just sent it to you, Ryan, did not work.
	I could see the white particles on the black rug and they weren't being picked up.
	And he didn't notice.
	He was just like, here I am vacuuming with my jet pack.
	See how much you can zoom in on that.
	It's not a very good photo, but like, just trust me when I say that vacuum did not work.
	It was just, it might as well have been blowing hot air.
	But he's employed and we got a guy doing something.
	Also on my incompetence, a tiny Mexican man.
	Oh yeah, I go to a bar, The Dead Rabbit.
	You know who I hung out with?
	It's Ben Bankus.
	In fact, I opened for him.
	I was so blackout drunk, I have no recollection of my set.
	I assume it was terrible.
	You know, stand-up comedy is like karaoke.
	If you get really shit-faced, you suck at it.
	But great guy.
	Great guy.
	He's living down in Austin now.
	You know Ben Bankus, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	He's the guy who does the Chinese voices.
	He's from Canada.
	Rosanna said, I'm a comedy nerd.
	Who's hot right now?
	And I said, Ryan Long, L. Orlando, Ben Bankus, Comrade Tripp, and then that gay dude who does the funny imitations, but.
	When he says butt, you know who I'm talking about?
	Yeah, I forget his name.
	My wife thinks I'm 5'3 ⁇ .
	Michael Alvarez?
	Yeah, yeah, he's got a Hispanic name.
	But we go to the Dead Rabbit, me and Ben, and the Mexican bartender cannot reach the Telomordu.
	Now, I'm not faulting someone for being short.
	It's not incompetent to be short.
	Ryan's incompetent and short.
	But have a footstool.
	Have a fucking thing you can stand on.
	Was it Taller Mordue?
	What?
	Taller Mordew, you said?
	Oh, you're doing a pun joke.
	I'm just trying to figure out the whiskey at hand here.
	Yeah, I appreciate that you're a new father and you can't say faggot and retard a nigger in your house and fucking shit and piss.
	But don't impose your terrible sanitized comedy on me.
	Remember we talked about how gays are doing a fake voice and you can tell when they wipe out?
	And we had a trans woman who wiped out on her mountain bike and went, oh fuck, holy shit.
	And then went right back to, oh my God, you guys.
	So it's a real thing.
	And here is a dad covering his faggot son in coffee and the real kid coming out.
	That was great.
	What the fuck, Dad?
	Isn't that great?
	Just keep doing that till he's straight.
	Could he deserve it more?
	Wait a minute.
	I should have, before abandoning the competence crisis subject, go check out these emails.
	One's just called competence crisis.
	Actually, they're both called competence crisis.
	Got'em.
	So this is me getting, I think I was getting Delta WiFi on the plane.
	The provided sample appears to be a board meeting room.
	And what do you think relates to a board meeting more?
	A couple of planes, some apples, a bird, or a shelf?
	The answer is none of the above.
	The software is incompetent.
	The robots no longer work.
	So what would you click on?
	I clicked on the bottom middle because I'm like, I guess it's furniture?
	I don't know.
	It said, nope, try again.
	Wait, really?
	And then the next one was another board meeting with equally ridiculous symbols, lots of fruit the second time.
	And again, I was rejected.
	Nope.
	What the fuck?
	Did you ever figure it out?
	No, I gave up.
	That's crazy.
	I did not have...
	My flight was Tuesday at 2 p.m.
	I got on some Jew Broad, had her water there, and I knocked it with my ass and got my seat wet, so I had a first-class wet ass for the ride down.
	Guess who's sitting next to me on the way back two days later?
	Tiger Woods.
	The same fucking broad.
	What are the odds?
	I mean, I didn't like her because she got my ass wet.
	But I had to break the ice.
	On the way back, I go, no fucking way.
	And she was like, literally, what are the odds?
	It's got to be in the millions.
	I should have bought a lottery ticket.
	And what's the other competence crisis thing?
	Okay, this is not a joke.
	Well, I shouldn't say this isn't a joke.
	My son ordered Domino's pizza on Tuesday, right before I left for the airport.
	This is what he got.
	Is this the funniest person who's ever worked at Domino's?
	Compute says, no.
	I think this is a retard.
	Like, this is the competence crisis.
	Look how small that piece in the middle right is.
	I'm not joking.
	This is how our Domino's pizza arrived.
	And I didn't take a night course in cutting pizzas or cakes.
	I just sussed it out.
	You probably want to do a bunch of diagonal lines that go across the diameter of the circle.
	This person, this quality of immigrant we're getting right now, not only could they, did they not invent the wheel, they can't even figure out what a wheel is.
	How do you, like, who cuts that?
	And then how do you box that up and go, we're good to go.
	Send it.
	Just gonna send it.
	Well, it could be very considerate for a party atmosphere.
	Hear me out.
	The middle small slice could be kind of an appetite.
	For a baby.
	Just like a little teaser baby, yes.
	Yeah, maybe a baby wants some pizza.
	And they don't like crust.
	So right in the middle, baby slice.
	In the middle, we got a little baby slice.
	Got a little tiny slice.
	We've been with babies all week.
	Kind of for a bigger kid, but, you know, like maybe two years old.
	And there's the big hunger man at the bottom.
	Yeah, this is for this big.
	This is John Goodman.
	He got his big slice.
	John Goodman.
	And then every other one are, they are retarded, but the other ones seem like they have a purpose.
	All right, we're going behind the paywall.
	Bye, Freeloaders.
	Bye.
	You're fired.
	So that's a please.
	Wait, wait, don't cut it yet.
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	Lots of exciting shit going on at this network now.
	And you would be remiss not to have this voice of sanity in a world gone mad.
	Anyway, bye.
	I got to go.
	Look at this.
	This is the way my dad cuts his pizza.
	So this is a thing he does.
	So what is that?
	An initial swoop?
	Yeah, you know, a lot of people, when they see something as incompetent as the pizza I just showed, they don't want to take it.
	So they go, maybe she was doing it on purpose.
	Maybe it was a gag.
	Because I've heard people say that about Scary Perry.
	They're like, maybe the joke's on you.
	And he's fucking with you guys.
	I get that you don't want to swallow the truth and you can't handle the truth.
	I don't blame you.
	But yeah, that's real.

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