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Nov. 4, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:16:40
GOML LIVE #172 - BOUNCERS IN YOUR PUBES

What other show has 79-year-old abortionists screaming at Catholics, prison stories, calls from prison, fist fights, virgins, Weird Al, Joe Biden, Elon Musk, and two different Jesse Lee Petersons arguing with each other?

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Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
That is nobody who is no more.
That dude was accused by his label mates of taking advantage of teenage groupies.
And he said, yeah, I did.
And that was the end of him.
That was two years ago.
Good jams, though.
And I don't advocate fucking teenage girls, but it has been the norm in rock for quite a while.
She was just 17.
If you know.
You know what I mean?
And the way she looked was way beyond compare.
How could I dance with another when I saw a ha standing there?
I met the Beatles in person when they came to Manhattan.
And I said to John Lennon, if you're a beetle, let me see you fly.
So he said to Paul McCartney, what do I say to the bird?
He said, ask her, does she want our autographs?
And stupid me, I said, no.
You know how much that'd be worth nowadays?
I'm sure we can look it up.
As you may have guessed, Sylvia is here.
Of course, we have our co-host, Maddie O'Dell.
What's up, everybody?
Good to see you.
We've got our Clown World in Proud Boys colors here.
Very alarmingly delectable contrast.
It really is aesthetically pleasing, this black and yellow.
I don't know.
Especially with the gold.
Let's see yours, Ryan.
Oh, hell yeah.
So as you guys know, our ad sales guy on his watch allowed for one of our clients, Goldco, to have a typo weaponized against us.
So it was Gavin Loves Gold, right?
Was what it was supposed to be.
He sent me Gavin Likes Gold.
One of our, either, yeah, one of the baby monsters.
And your friends are your worst enemies.
As Bill Hicks said, they will christen your dumpster.
As Ian Mackay said, isn't it nice you don't have to look far to find the ones that leave the deepest scar?
Look at Anthony.
Who trashed his studio?
Stevie Liu.
Kevin Brennan.
Kevin Brennan.
Who attacked his host of one of his shows?
Gino Biscati.
No, sorry.
They got that backwards.
Pat Dixon.
No, that's on record, so.
Can't go back.
Gino.
And even my life.
I'm like, Antifa's threatening me.
They're shutting down shows and all that stuff.
But like the two people who have hit on my wife in my home are my friends.
You know?
No bueno.
Yeah.
Non-buena.
You don't have to look far to find the ones who leave the deepest scar.
My personal, the people around me that are close to me, look at Shannon Sarouche and Weiss.
Like they've done, my friends have done much more damage in my life than my enemies.
For me, it's just death by a thousand paper cuts.
You know.
What do you mean?
Like, I haven't done anything outwardly wrong to you, but just every day I just do a little bit of...
Just your life.
I'm more mad at your mother for not having an abortion.
You're right.
Well, there's a pro-life.
I'm pro-life with one exception.
And I worked.
The only time Gavin is pro-life is when he has the special secret recipe how to make boy babies that he may or may not be willing to share.
I'll happily share it.
I've shared it many times.
I was telling Sylvia on the way here that because she has two twin sisters.
And I said, so three girls in the family, that means your dad has a small dick.
And I made a girl first, and I was like, uh-oh, I want some boys.
So I would do, as I've told you a million times, I'm telling Sylvia now, standing doggy, you get really deep, like you feel the cervix.
And then when you jizz, you hold her hips and you fall down on top of her, collapse with her like a lawn chair, and you wait like a minute.
That's how you get a boy.
You drop off this, and then she's like, no, it's the sperm.
It's about the sperm, baby.
Way to go.
And I go, yeah, it's not, it is about the sperm, but with boys, you've got to drop it off at the front door and then ring the doorbell, ding-dong, and run away.
That's it.
I'm out.
Anyway, our sales guy, it's one of the funniest moments on the show, allowed his typo to get hijacked.
And then they turned it into a Nazi, like, me as Shylock.
Did we show it or no?
And that went for weeks.
And then he goes, oh, I can't do a Chicago accent.
But he's like, yeah, I didn't send him that picture.
And I'm like, I know, dude.
And to this day, I have no idea if that guy was sent to me as a prank or if he was a genuine employee.
And I suspected that from day one.
I went to his website and I saw one client and one happy customer.
It looked fucking fake.
We'll never know.
Anyway, he's fired, but we still have to read these because they paid for them.
Is that what it is now?
No, this was Fop Metals.
Oh, you can show the other one.
It's funny.
Go DEF CON 3 on Poverty This Year, invest in gold.
And like, the reason he's fired, assuming he's not just a prankster, is to see that and have it associated with one of our clients and just be like, huh, that's a weird cartoon.
Dude.
I love it.
This happened on your watch.
You're either incredibly negligent or a saboteur.
Neither are working here anymore.
Oh, man.
My fellow Americans, if you have an IRA 401k or savings account, then I encourage you to contact my friends at Goldco.
That's who we're talking about, right?
Yeah.
Things are getting scary out there.
The Biden administration has already printed much more money, more money in the past two years than the previous 100 years combined.
That sounds comical, doesn't it?
The national debt just hit a record $30 trillion.
I remember when it was $12.
You know that building in Times Square where they have the ticker thing and they show the debt just going, I remember going, holy fuck, it just went from 12 to 13 in a few years.
Now it's 30.
Now it's 30.
And inflation is the highest we've seen since 1982.
It's only a matter of time before the house of cards comes crashing down.
If you have retirement savings, your money could be at serious risk.
Talk to my friends at Goldco to see how you can protect your retirement with gold and silver before it's too late.
Go to, and he always types www.g-O-M-LGold.com and Goldco will give you $10,000 in free silver when you open a qualified account.
That's g-o-m-l-gold.com.
Again, that's gomlgold.com.
Possibly our last read from them.
Does anyone who does podcast sponsorship let us know?
Because we are a ship without a sail.
What do you think about Musk taking over Twitter and he may start charging people for it?
What do you think of him in general?
I love him.
I think it's great.
What are you eating there?
Corn chips?
Whatever our host was gracious enough to give me.
Maddie.
Maddie Odell.
Did you forget Maddie's name?
Tostitos.
Tostitos.
Oh, you have a new name now.
Yes.
Oh, you're Tostitos now.
Tostito the Bandita.
That guy goes to Mexico once, and he calls himself Tostitos after.
I don't know if that's going to take, man.
Oh, it's tough.
You can't invent your own nickname.
It's got to be given.
It's got to be given like baby monster.
That's a good nickname.
Maddie went to Tijuana, held up the Mexicans, and he brought it back for me.
There you go.
Yep, classic Tostitos.
You know what they say?
South of the border, down Mexico Way, there's a crazy American named Maddie Iye.
All right.
Oh, Danius Limerick's coming out.
Damn.
She's on fire tonight.
I didn't finish that thing I was saying, though, about groupies because I got sidetracked by their Beatles fan over here.
I did a video about this a long time ago that rock stars are fucking underage teens and not 17, but 14.
Oh.
Remember that chick?
When you have kids, like you think 14?
Oh, yeah, she's young, but probably kind of sexy.
That's what you think when you're like 20.
Then you have kids, and you're like, 14 is an infant.
Yeah.
That's a baby.
Like, they look fucking weird with makeup on at 14.
Even 16, they look when they have little kitten heels.
They're sort of walking.
They look like a newborn deer.
Yeah.
They're like barely alive.
This chick.
Yeah.
They look like stumble bums.
That's a little girl.
That's like she should be playing lacrosse with her friends.
Was that Roman Plansky?
No, that's Jimmy Page.
Oh, that's Jimmy Page.
Jimmy Page kidnapped her and held her in a hotel for months.
Jesus.
David Bowie fucked her, double-teamed her with his wife, Threesome Der, with his black wife.
And who else?
I think Keith Moon fucked her too.
I think he just mooned her.
What was that?
Jerry Lee Lewis married like his 14-year-old cousin.
Yeah.
Liberace.
They had, what's his name, play him?
Falling down guy.
Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas.
And then they had Matt Damon play his lover.
Matt Damon, when he made that movie, was 39.
When Liberace first met that boy, he was 14.
Oh, Jesus.
So, yeah, they've been fucking teens for a while.
Billy Joel is going to be in Madison Square Garden.
Microphone, microphone.
You're going to put the microphone?
Look up the mic.
Billy Joel is going to be in Madison Square Garden in March.
What happened?
No, he's going to be singing.
Oh, okay.
He's got a residency there, right?
Did you?
You said you fucked Billy Joel in the 70s?
He's in his late 70s.
Oh, okay.
So you'll fuck him again, just to make the numbers round up.
There you go.
Have you ever fucked Billy Joel, Sylvia?
No, he's not.
He's not my type, look-wise.
What, too white?
No, not because he's white.
He's just not a good-looking dude.
Look, not everyone can look as good as you and Ryan and Maddie here.
All three of you are hot-looking men.
Who's your type?
You told me you like blacks and Hispanics.
You like sort of coffee-colored Hispanics, like Dominicans.
Latino men, Latino men are the most romantic.
What they say to a woman verbally.
What they say to a woman verbally, you want to open your legs like a butterfly.
Okay?
There you go.
What about what they say to a woman physically with the whoosh and the poof and the huck?
These days you might find a caterpillar.
Black men and Latino men, they don't have the sexual inhibitions like white men.
They will do anything and everything to please you.
Are you talking about having your asshole licked?
Is that what we're is that the elephant?
Forget your asshole.
I can't.
I can't.
I have the asshole of a 72-year-old gay man.
Assholes are good for baggots.
So what are the inhibitions that white men have?
They don't want their dick sucked?
A lot of them don't want to go down on a woman.
They don't want the woman on top of them, pumping them.
Pumping.
I'd like to read one of those.
I'm a little examples.
It's a rare breed.
Dude, I just started watching the new white lotus.
That's why I'm late today because I was watching it with the missus.
Wow.
Wow.
Great show.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, really.
He's got like stuffable stoves.
A little bit.
Unbelievable.
He's got a case of the Garrett.
Wow.
Unbelievable, really.
It is so good.
I've had nine husbands, about a hundred lovers, not counting boyfriends.
Okay.
Hello.
Not for every woman.
Hello.
And you're not a big blower, so that's all intercourse.
But God protected me.
I never got a venereal disease.
If I looked at a man and I was sexually attracted to him, I'd buck him.
Damn.
What years are we talking here?
What year was that?
What years, yeah, when you're banging everything that moves?
In the 60s, the 70s.
And how old are you now?
I'm 79.
You're 79.
Let's say 80.
So 67, 80.
So 60.
So you were like, you're talking about your teens and early 20s?
No.
When I was an early teen, I wasn't out bucking.
I was a virgin.
53.
I mean, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
60.
To an Iranian.
Iranian.
To a man from Iran.
You're real good-looking guy.
How old were you when you lost your V?
Virginity.
V. Your virginity.
I don't know why I said V. When I was 16.
Ah.
I was 17.
How old were you, Maddie?
15.
Who was it?
A girlfriend of mine in high school.
Not the Jap.
No, no, no.
How'd that go?
The first time?
Yeah.
You know, we were two kids that knew nothing.
It wasn't too good.
I mean, it was, you know, at the time, it was great, but.
Did you wear a condom?
No.
Where'd you jizz?
On her stomach.
Was it missionary?
Yep.
On the hallway.
It was in the hallway outside of her, like she lived on the third floor of her house.
She had a big, big house.
We were in the hallway outside of her bedroom door.
I guess nobody must have been home at the time.
I think we were in the pool swimming and we got out and went upstairs.
And then, I don't know, one thing led to another.
And we were in.
Was she a virgin?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Little bloodstain?
A little bit.
A little bit.
Was she like, oh, yeah, you know, it was an interesting putting it in the first, like.
Because she was nervous and she was like, ah.
I'm like, well.
And, you know, we both, it was consensual, obviously.
You made her scream.
I'm Maddie.
You know, it was good.
I mean, is it awkward?
Like, I'm 15.
She was 16.
Yeah.
So it was crazy.
And then did you fuck her a bunch more times?
Oh, yeah, I dated her for a while.
And then you got into the groove.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, once you know.
How long did you date her for?
Maybe a year and a half.
When did it end?
Why did it end?
Oh, I don't know.
Who knows at that age?
You know what I did at that age?
I dated this super slut, Big Kimmy, and lost my virginity to her, but so did all my friends.
And I had ruined my brand by dating such a whore.
And high school girls hate whores because it's like when you're in the union and you work hard.
Yeah.
The other guy's like, what the fuck are you doing?
Now we all got to work hard.
So I was raising the slut bar.
And they wanted to keep it low for obvious reasons.
Town bicycle.
So I dated this really nice, funny, ugly chick.
I won't say her name.
Tammy Cockles.
What was her name?
Tammy Conkles.
Tammy.
I actually looked her up recently.
She's aged really well.
She looks kind of hot now.
But back then, she was awkward and not attractive.
Oh, Elon Musk is here.
Oh, no.
They say the best love is a Japanese man.
I never had a Japanese man.
I got a Japanese man right here.
Are you a good lover, Ryan?
He's Philippine.
Oh, he's not.
He's Japanese Puerto Rican.
He's Japrikan.
Ryan, aren't you Philippine?
No, I'm Japanese, Puerto Ric.
Oh, I didn't.
Sounds like a clean solvent.
Filipino.
Keep your floors looking great with Philippine.
Ancient Filipino secret.
It's funny.
That girl's name was the same name as my first name.
No, the full name?
No, just her name.
Tammy.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
That was a popular name in the 80s.
And so I dated the ugly girl for like eight months, and it cleansed my reputation.
I was forgiven the whore, and then I could date an incredibly hot, I think she was 15, 14, and I was 17, 18.
And I brought her, she was a dumb little kid.
I don't even share.
I'm not even sure it was legal.
Can a 17-year-old fuck a 14-year-old?
Yeah.
Okay, so I took her to prom.
So I cashed in my chips.
It was just like blackjack.
I lost a bunch of money with the first slut.
I dated the ugly nerd, got my currency up, and then I just blew it all on prom.
And I fucked her that night.
That was great.
I looked her up recently.
Whoa!
Hideous.
Hideous.
And then I emailed an old buddy from high school that I assumed we were still cool.
We wouldn't communicate that much, but I didn't realize he hated me now, probably because of Trump and everything.
And I go, dude, I just looked up Sue.
She's a fucking witch.
Like, she looks like a Disney witch now that we're all 53.
Yeah.
And he goes, I go, she's like a, she was a nine and eight in high school.
Now she's like a two or a three.
And he goes, yeah, but you're the only one that's a four on the inside.
Oh, shit.
We're not friends anymore?
He's like, no, I don't know why you contact me.
Oh, okay.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my.
Excuse A. Moon.
All right.
When I was growing up, now mind you, I'm 79 years old.
So if a boy, two teenagers, boy and a girl, he took you on a date.
And what he would do, he'd buy you a cherry coke.
That was a big time date.
Then, girl, oh, and the most he do is feel your titties.
So girls in general say, oh, if you let a boy feel your titties, you're a whore.
How were your titties back then?
They were juicy.
Juicy.
Juicy.
So when did you lose your virginity?
16.
Sylvia?
When I was 16.
Tell us about it, though.
Who was it?
From Iran.
Real good-looking guy.
So this is in the 60s.
So it's pre-revolution, so Iran was still pretty Western.
There was go-go boots and rock and roll and pompadours.
So how was it?
I thought that I was going to see the stars and the moon, but it was okay.
He didn't hurt me.
Oh, so you had high hopes, but it didn't turn out great.
No, it was okay.
But I thought I, you know, fireworks would go warm.
See, that's an orgasm.
Sex with her was insane.
It was okay.
And you'd be fucking her, and she'd faint.
She'd like come and then be unconscious.
And then her boyfriend after me, he would make, you go to McDonald's, get a burger and then jiz on it, and she would eat a cum burger.
And I remember being on the bus going to high school going, you ate a what?
And she's like, yeah, you got to be really horny.
That's awful.
You got to be really horny to eat a cum burger.
I mean, if they're swallowing anyway, I mean, but I don't think it would taste good on a burger.
I don't know what it tastes like.
Trump, you know, the Trump grab her by the pussy thing.
You would grab her vagina and she would be like, oh, and like, come.
She ended up having like five kids.
She left her husband to pursue a career in cumming.
Like, she became a crackhead, but I think she became a crackhead because crack makes sex even better.
And she was a sex addict.
Like, she was born a sex fiend.
And she moved to Oshawa, which is outside of Toronto, because there's a lot of crack being manufactured there.
And she just became a professional fucking crack whore.
Wow.
Just for the sex, not for the crack.
It's sort of like Indians.
You hear about Indians doing a lot of crack.
They don't really like the crack.
They like it because you can drink more.
I asked my psychiatric social worker once.
I said, do you think I'm a sex fiend?
She said, Sylvia, you have so many boyfriends that you sleep with, I can't keep track.
Wow.
Well, you once said to me in private, and you told me not to tell anyone.
No, just kidding.
You said, my biggest regret is my addiction to cock.
And I blew all my marriages, all my relationships with my severe addiction to getting fucked.
No, I'm not sorry, all the men I married.
No, you said you kept blowing your marriages by being a whore.
No, I was just a restless woman.
It's only when the marriages fail that I sleep with somebody else before I got divorced.
When did you last have intercourse?
What about intercourse?
When did you last have it?
When did I last have it?
About, I don't know, two or three years ago.
Well, it's pretty recent.
All right, Ryan, now we're at you.
When did you, well, Elon, maybe you could tell us when Ryan lost his virginity, what age he was, what were the circumstances?
Oh, yes, I do know some about Ryan's sex.
Yeah.
Elon, can you go away for a bit?
I want to talk to Ryan, if I may.
Oh, yeah, man.
I haven't worked on that impression at all.
As you can tell.
It's Kyle Dunnegan's Elon Musk, is what it is.
I don't really hear him talk to you.
I think Kyle Dunnegan does Elon when he was more of a recent immigrant, so he had more of a South African accent because now he doesn't sound South African at all.
So it's pass.
Okay, so how old were you?
Whatever, like from sixth into seventh grade.
So like, was that 14 or is that 12?
12.
12?
Or maybe seventh into eighth grade?
No, I think it was sixth grade going into seventh grade.
And how old was the girl?
Well, same age.
This is what blows my mind about blacks and Puerto Ricans.
Every time you start telling sex stories, you're like, and then I touched a boob when I was 20 and kissed a lady on the lips at 21.
But we were on the Ferris wheel at the time when they're like, I used to suck my, I used to suck my bait.
I don't know why I'm doing a southern accent.
That's how that age me.
I used to suck my babysitter's tits when I was eight.
And you're like, pardon moi?
What?
There was some horsing around and nonsense before then, but that was when that.
I was dating a girl named Amani who lives in the Bronx.
I used to live in the Bronx and I moved upstate.
But I would visit my great-grandparents, and right next door was Amani, a black girl.
She's the same age.
We would all be on the street.
Are you secretly saying a man in code to us?
No, that would be Amani.
It's Imani.
Or it's Imani.
But it's not Amani.
Okay.
And what was her ethnicity?
He was...
No.
He was an Iranian man.
Whatever type of black.
I think Jamaican.
He was a dancer at Studio 54.
I think Jamaican.
A Jamaican chick, a black chick.
Yeah.
You lost your virginity to a black lady.
Yeah.
Not a lady.
She's a lady.
A child.
A black child.
All right, lady.
Ryan Ketsu Rivera fucked a child.
Black child.
Hey, that's not true.
It's a black child.
Right.
What's it called?
We dated for a year before anything happened, and then she said she was going to blow me, like in the movies, and I didn't know what that meant.
And I mean, like I stand up and then she she's on her knees and then and then it took a while, maybe a couple of days, but we would just keep at it until we keep at what?
Just doing that.
Practicing blowjobs?
Yeah, she would blow me on the balcony while I was trying to tell her a scary story.
It was like, we were on the shore of innocence and on the balcony.
Yeah.
Hey, do you want to come out on the balcony?
I'll tell you a scary story.
You can blow me while I talk.
Yeah.
So you'd be talking as you received Fallatio from this black child.
That was one time.
How old was she?
Same age.
So you're both 12.
And she's taller than I was.
And my great-grandparent.
I know.
How dare you.
But my great-grandparents, my great-grandfather caught me like kissing her in the living room.
So this is what I did.
This is how a kid thinks when he panics.
I'm kissing her, and he walks in.
He's got like our food that he made for us.
And I see him and I go, bonk.
And then I bonk her on the head.
Like, we're just playing the I bonker in the head game with my hat.
We're not kissing.
Yes, one does.
It was embarrassing.
But we would, it was sweet.
Like, we would, we date for a year, and this was all her ideas.
Is this legal to be talking about?
Like, I was that age.
This is free on the internet.
We're not buying the paywall yet.
So you're talking about two 12-year-olds having sex.
Is that even legal?
I was one of them.
Do you own kiddo porn now?
I'm actually.
If you've watched this, this is before.
This is your computer contained terabytes of kiddie porn.
This is before computers, essentially.
A friend would have a computer.
You have a computer.
You'd go to us now talking about this.
Oh.
Oh.
It's a story.
I was then age once, and this is what happened at that.
But I'm not even telling you the sex part.
I'm telling you, like, we used to live next door to each other, so we would knock on the wall when we wanted to hang out, and then I'd bring over a hormel chili, and we'd watch wrestling together.
It was all innocent, and then she was like, let me start blowing you.
And I was like, I don't even know what the fuck that is.
So you were probably getting blown before you could ejaculate.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
There's nothing coming up.
And then, like, eating her out, I was not a fan of because it was, you know, there was hair going on there.
And I was just like, I was like, this is a fucking mess.
So, but, yeah, it was always with the pants on when we did it.
It was, like, very small movements.
My chin would always dig into her chest.
She's like, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me again.
I just couldn't, I couldn't keep my chin away.
But I found her.
And you were so short.
I don't think that.
Or her shoulder.
Whatever.
Put your chin on my shoulder.
And she called me chin.
That was a nickname.
So I found out later on, my friend Lewis that you met, right when we were doing it.
You're the black dude with dresses like Mad Max.
So right after the Candace Owens, Cornell West episode that we filmed afterwards, there's this goth black party that rented out the back.
Actually, they're coming in as we're leaving.
It's my friend Lewis from I found out later on she wasn't a virgin.
I was a virgin, but she had banged him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
Didn't you have a date planned, like a hang with Lewis planned?
And you guys were going to go to the mall and look at security guards?
Yeah, yeah.
For his birthday or something, or he just wanted to go to the mall, walk around, and dress like security guards and make a video or something.
Yeah.
And then you ended up not doing that because they wanted to go to a bar and you thought, that's gross.
I hate bars.
I don't like a bar hangout.
I think a mall is funnier because you get to walk around and look at people.
Yeah, what's worse than meeting an old buddy that you grew up with and having a beer at a bar?
Well, that's when I was staunchly not drinking.
Pathetic.
I was very against it.
Telling old stories about being a fucking 13-year-old with some guy you haven't seen in 20 years.
We wound up hanging out after that, and we saw each other again in the Bronx afterwards.
Tell us about the lay, although I'm not sure it's legal.
There was a couple of lays, but one time we almost got caught.
No, your first lay, moron.
They're weird.
There was a couple of lays.
They all blended in one.
We just kept doing it.
Where?
Mostly in her grandmother's room.
Where was her?
Her grandmother, her mother wasn't around.
Surprise.
Her grandmother was very slow.
Mrs., I'm not going to give the last name, but she's like, oh, what the hell y'all do?
But she almost caught us once.
I had my belt unbuckled because we heard her coming down the hallway, but too late.
We're near the Christmas tree in the living room, usually where we don't do it.
Risk.
And very risky.
And my heart was just thumping because we heard her.
So I just get up off her.
She hears the rustling.
I don't do my belt or my pants.
And so they're like kind of falling down.
So I'm walking down the hallway and she's sitting down now so she could see us.
I'm trying to race to get to the room before my pants fall down.
So that was very scary.
But we never got caught properly.
But that was.
12 years old.
Or 13, maybe.
Oh, my God.
The Bronx.
What a shithole.
That's true.
I think I was corrupted by that young woman because I didn't even want to kiss at first.
It was her idea to kiss.
I was like, we're dating.
I don't know what that means.
If you had said, if you were doing a talk and you're like, New York City is an absolute mess.
We got 12-year-olds fucking each other in the Bronx.
People would go, okay, Nazi, what else is happening?
No, it's a fact.
I think it's very interesting that that's how that happened.
But yes, it is.
I haven't thought about that in a long time.
And I don't think that was uncommon.
No.
I think if you talk to Puerto Ricans in the Bronx, they'll be like, yeah, I was 10.
Like I said, Lewis and her already had copulated by that point.
So this was kind of a thing that was.
I don't know if it's other, I don't know a lot of black people in America outside of New York, but every time I talked to a black New Yorker, they were sucking some tits at like six.
Wasn't that based on Sherrod Smalls, like Shiraswell Sheridan?
Yeah, I was fucking my cousin back in the day.
No, all of them.
Larry Barnes would fuck his mom's friends.
Oh, my God.
When he was like 10.
Holy shit.
So let me rephrase that.
Larry Barnes was molested by his mom's friends.
He's not upset about it.
Yeah.
But he ought to be.
How does that work with 212 year?
We were both molested by the media.
It's not good.
Right.
But I don't know who the perpetrator is and who the victim is.
This society is the perpetrator.
Last thing on that, it made it very weird because I lived upstate in New York where people are raised properly and it's majority white, you know, up in the Hudson Valley.
And it was very odd trying to actually have relationships with women that didn't just immediately pedal to the metal.
Right.
So you're like, so I guess you want to blow me, right?
Yeah.
It was like, it was really tough to adjust to that afterwards.
I think you might, you know what, Sylvia?
You say Japanese people are good fuckers.
I remember a long time ago, it was like a Laura Loomer event in Florida.
And Ryan had the next hotel room, and he was banging some broad, and it was going and going, and I could hear them in the next room just like tearing up the place.
But I remember telling you, I thought that that was rather a short bout.
But I don't know.
I'm going to see a short bout.
You may want to pop by Gav's calves.
You may want to take a peek into my bedroom window if you want to see short and sweet.
I actually am trying a new thing sexually.
Don't try to make it good.
That's hilarious.
My whole life, I've been like pausing and like trying to, you know, do the alphabet backwards to last.
Putting too much thought into it.
Do different moves.
And like now you go on your side and make everything like a cool porn.
So I'll get to do it again.
I think if I make it like an event.
And I don't know if she likes that.
I think she might just want like a dog.
Just like done, done.
Right.
Because like she's very unambitious, my wife.
So why would sex be ambitious?
And that last two have just been totally self-indulgent, like what you'd imagine a poodle doing to a stuffed animal.
And I don't know, it's been going pretty good.
You know what I heard from new sex tip?
Don't be good.
New rule is that don't think about your actual junk.
Picture just your hips moving.
Just focus on the hip movement.
Yeah, we all know that one, Ryan.
I didn't know that until I heard it.
You do is what you're talking about is the trick where you cut your dick off.
Yes.
And then you just, you're just a body man.
You chop it off.
Yeah.
And you have a strap on.
And that's just a dildo that you're using.
And it works for a while.
But what you're doing is you're cutting off the communication from your dick to your brain.
And the postman is like, can I get through here?
And this guy's like, nope.
No one's getting through.
You put bouncers in your pubes.
That's the bouncer.
It's like, no messages to the brain.
Sorry, not today.
Episode title?
What is it called?
Bouncers to your pubes.
No messages to the brain.
Yeah, you stand out there, but eventually what happens is there's so many messages.
The bouncers are like, calm down, everyone.
Get back.
Get back.
And then eventually they get stampeded.
The bouncers are trampled to death.
And all the messages come in.
You're like, oh, boy.
You got to do with your heart.
What the hell is that, man?
Corn pop, Miss Badu.
Bad dude, man.
Who is that white boy?
Who is that white boy next to Ryan?
The older guy that just appeared?
Yeah.
That's the president of the United States.
Joe Black.
No, no, no.
This guy.
Yeah, that's Joe Black guy.
Little puppet.
Oh, shit.
Mercedes is calling.
Oh, crap, man.
It's been a long time.
Holy cow.
Mercedes Carrera.
An incarcerated individual at San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department.
This call is not private.
It will be recorded and may be monitored.
If you believe this should be a private call, please hang up and follow facility instructions to register this number as a private number to accept this free call.
Press one.
To refuse the thank you for using Securis.
You may start the conversation now.
Hey, Mercedes.
Hey, Gavin.
You're live on the air.
How fantastic.
Yeah, I'm glad to hear from you.
So there was a massive Mercedes drought recently where we didn't hear from you and no one did.
I talked to my buddy Robbie up in Montreal.
He said you would cut off correspondence for like a month or two.
Yes.
Well, it's things have been a little weird here.
Are you allowed to say why?
There's just been some weird jail stuff happening, but I'm back and I'm able to contact you now.
So we've just had a lot of people here and not a lot of time out of our cells.
And so that's kind of had something to do with it.
But I'm able to contact you now.
We won't pry.
We won't pry.
So I'm glad you called because we spoke recently and you said your court date has been set.
Now, before we say the actual date, I have been saying since day one, because I know you well, I consider you a close friend.
I don't believe these allegations.
And I think it's because you're MAGA.
It's political persecution.
And if anyone was dubious of political persecution, surely they see Max and John and they see the Jan 6 defendants, these guys who were vandalizing government property, looking at 20 years to life for such a silly crime.
The crime deserves, I don't know, clean trash up off the highway and get a $300 fine is what that deserves.
But anyway.
Right.
They chose your court date as January 6th.
Yes.
Of all the days.
Wow.
The odds are one in 365 that it would be that political date.
Right.
And I want to be very clear that I did not have a hand in choosing that date.
That date was chosen for me.
So let me be very clear that I did not choose January 6th.
I very much wanted to come back in October.
And I was told that I would not be coming back in October, that the soonest date I could come back in was January.
And the date I would be coming back was January 6th, 2023.
Amazing.
So say it goes great and they drop everything.
What's the soonest you would get out?
Like a month after that?
No, right then and there.
No, that date?
I mean, if they dropped everything, I would come out that day.
But I'm told that the plan is to go to trial in January.
Of course, I've been told the plan was to go to trial all of 2022.
So at this point, you know, I'm a little skeptical, but I'm being told, you know, even the judge, the judge even told me, well, you know, we do need to get a hold on this.
But, you know, it was basically a big fuck you, Mercedes.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
So say you get out January 6th, that's not happening, but how many months, how long would you have been in jail?
I will have been in jail just one month short of four years.
Oh, that's an entire presidential term, isn't it?
It sure is.
Four years awaiting trial.
That is brutal.
And, you know, by the way, part of what I want to point out is part of the reason they're going so hard.
That's against the law.
We're at the January 6th event is as long as they face some prosecution for being there, they can't run for political office.
That's something that I don't think anybody's really noticed.
Wait, what was that?
If you were part of a quote-unquote insurrection, you cannot run for political office.
Oh, that's why they're making this.
In the 14th Amendment.
Yes.
That's what this is all about.
You know, Mercedes, we're here with a 79-year-old woman named Sylvia who has been working on your case and is determined to get you out.
She even contacted the Innocence Project.
Oh, thank you.
And they said, they said they're more concerned with DNA proof to exonerate people.
That's right.
You know, they like they like to exonerate people, you know, for things like murders who were all they tend to, you know, I think work with people who are already convicted of crimes.
And the problem in my case, of course, is there is no evidence because no crime occurred.
And that's the very problem with my case.
There is no evidence because no crime occurred.
And that's why I haven't been convicted of anything.
They also seem to prefer giant black males.
Like there's that cop who is falsely accused of forcing a woman to blow him.
What the fuck's his name?
Michelle Malkin is working on that case.
He's got a really weird eye on him.
And the Innocence Project would never go near him in a million years.
She may be able to sue waiting trial four years, and she is not a political prisoner.
That's...
You can't hear it, but that's Sylvia intervening in the comments.
Oh, no, you're wrong, Gavin.
Okay, you're not Sylvia.
Okay, any other news?
We got to go shortly.
Sorry to cut the conversation short.
No, well, no other news except that, you know, I'm just, you know, just if you want to know what I'm going through, just read Soljanitian.
Read the First Circle by Soljanitian.
You guys got to read Soljanitian.
Yeah, I do.
I do.
I just finished his collection of speeches.
What's up?
Oh, yeah.
Read his warning to the West.
I mean, you know, people, yeah, that one's amazing.
I mean, you guys, it's just, it's all there.
It's all there, and it's all coming.
Read the First Circle.
I heard that he stopped writing books because he was like, look, I have made everything elaborately clear.
If you're not understanding, I give up.
I think Ann Coulter is the same way.
She's like, I said my piece.
Go look it up.
Yeah, you know, yeah, Ann Coulter is right.
I read all of her pieces in the Conservative Chronicle, and I think she's extremely clear.
And I don't think people, it's almost like at this point, you're kind of just trying to dismantle a brick wall with your skull.
It's all there.
Come on, you guys.
Like, I don't know what else to say.
Yeah.
But hey, we live in the Soviet America.
So we can just.
It's like conversion therapy.
Like, you could work on show gays pictures of tits for 100 years.
They're going to be like, sorry, not interested, Blies.
That's exactly it.
Yeah.
It's all there, and it's all happening.
And yeah, I don't know what else to say.
So, yeah, but I appreciate you, and I appreciate everyone.
And, you know, so I get to go be a political prisoner January 6th.
So you guys can always write me to find out what's happening.
And the gulag.
The problem is this isn't even a gulag.
I wish this was a gulag because it would be fucking quiet and I wouldn't have to watch basketball wise.
Yeah, you get in shape breaking rocks.
A gulag would be an approved.
If you're an attorney, hey, I'm contacting facility to request your number be made.
You know, a gulag would have a lot less fucking.
You know?
Fat bitches.
All right.
Thanks, Mercedes.
Let's talk again soon.
All right.
Love you.
Bye.
Ooh, I like doing jokes to people in jail.
Captive audience.
She was really enjoying my bits.
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What is he?
Who's that guy?
Yeah.
The hat on?
I'm a measure of my space.
That's the president of the United States, Sylvia.
He's a leader.
He's the leader of the free world.
The world is not so free anymore.
Well, he's not doing no offense, Mr. President.
You're not doing a real bang-up job.
I'm a resident of the United States, man.
No.
Put some respect of my name.
You look undernourished to me.
I was a vice principal under Brock Tobaggin, man.
I made ice cream.
All right.
So, as you know, with this show, we have a bunch of shit going on.
We read letters, of which we have many.
We take calls, of which we have too many.
And then we also have a super chat right here where the proceeds go to Max and John.
I dipped into the Max and John fund to the tune of a few thousand, and I bought myself Gucci pants.
No, I dipped into it and I bought, I bought, I bought an appeal.
So Ron and Max are still fighting.
Never stop fighting.
They're appealing their sentence right now.
Right.
I mean, they could get out a month early.
They're not giving up.
And I assume they'll be going, fighting the conviction itself.
Appealing after they get out.
Yeah, they could.
Yeah, they're determined.
The proud boys?
Yes.
So I just sent a bunch of money to their lawyer, Ron, to file this appeal.
Are they still proud?
Yes.
Still proud.
But that's fair, right?
Like, say it's right now, it's 21 grand, so now it's 18.
Lawyers aren't cheap.
Nope.
That guy's pretty good.
They cross boundaries.
Three grand.
To fight that bitch who said I invented, she invented vice cost me $25,000.
Gavin, you got to admit it.
They did cross boundaries.
No, no, Sylvia, this is different.
This isn't January 6th.
This was a fist fight.
We're not talking about that.
Oh, you're talking about the proud boys.
What boundaries did they cross?
When?
Where?
That's top secret.
We cannot broadcast it.
Okay.
With her personally, maybe.
But you have evidence against the Proud Boys where they cross the line, but you don't want to make it public.
I have no evidence for or against them.
Okay, so maybe don't say they crossed boundaries.
Well, they did something they shouldn't have.
Let's put it this way.
They did something without thinking, with no tact.
Which was what?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Did it happen any peewee?
Did it happen in a January month?
No.
January 6th had nothing to do with it, Gavin.
Okay.
Did it happen in Manhattan?
If they would have listened to you, they wouldn't have been in friggin jail.
Okay.
Okay.
They didn't take your knowledge and your wisdom.
If they would have, they never would have gone to jail.
I appreciate that.
But I said don't go to January 6th.
On the night of my talk, I didn't say, don't fight Antifa if they jump you.
I would never even think to say that.
In fact, I don't believe that.
I think if someone whips a bottle of piss at you, you should fight them.
Someone spits in your face, you should fight them.
I'm in Launchov for saying choke a tranny once.
And I was like, yeah, yeah.
The context was Antifa were spitting in Trump supporters' faces and then saying, you can't hit me.
I identify as a woman.
And that's when I said, don't hesitate, choke a tranny.
Someone spits in your face.
Smoke a Randy.
What?
Yeah.
You want us to smoke Randy's, Mr. President?
Back in the 50s, you should roll a joy and hang out in the park.
You have seven or eight people that put 50 cents in there.
You just smoke a Randy with your buddies.
Have a milkshake.
But you share it.
I don't think they had marijuana back then.
When I was a teenager, the most the boys would do on a Saturday night, they would go to the schoolyard and drink beer, okay?
Uh-huh.
That was a big thing then.
Was marijuana around in the 50s?
Yeah, but they really didn't indulge.
Those were beer drinks.
Most teenage boys were beer drinkers.
And then the spooks would smoke the reefer.
I knew one kid.
He was only 14, Phil Brioni from Corona.
He OD'd.
I remember one summer night, we hung out together.
We went to my mother's house.
She gave us money to go buy food dinner in a deli, and I bought, and I wanted a buy for Phil, and he wasn't hungry.
I didn't know he was on heavy drugs.
He was on heroin, you think?
He OD'd.
Was he on heroin?
Yeah.
He OD'd.
You know what's crazy, Pat Dickson?
14 years old.
Look at the death rate in New York.
14 years old, he OD'd.
100%.
And his girlfriend's name was Truck.
Why did they call her Truck?
Because she had big headlights.
In other words, big tits.
I had a friend named fucking tits.
Friend named Jacob.
He died of macaroni and cheese.
It's a heart attack, man.
He's fat.
What did Pat Dixon say?
He was talking about the yearly death rate in New York City.
And it's bad now.
It's like one a day, and it's getting worse, even though they changed the stats by not arresting people for it.
And so it looks bad.
I mean, it looks better than it is.
But when you go back into like the 1900s, it's 2,000 a year.
Yeah, well, all cores or like crime?
Oh, yeah, true, right, right, right.
No, murders.
Yeah, like in 1990, when I, you know, I was graduating high school, it was like $2,600 a year.
Really?
No, that's not 90.
Come on.
That wasn't 1990.
1989, 1990, 1991, 92.
2,600.
Okay, here we go.
Crack academic.
Rape, robbery, assault, forcible rape.
What's non-forcible rape?
Me and my wife?
What about serial killers?
And I don't mean sugar pops.
Name five serial killers to get your second degree.
So 1965, 836 were killed.
69, it goes up to 1,300.
By 1972, it's 2,000 a year.
Remember, it was only 836 in 65.
Now it's 2,073.
Like in the year of 1973, it's also 2,000.
It goes down.
It stays there, though, for a long time.
79, it's 2,000.
80, 2,000, 2,000, 2,000.
In 84, it goes down to 1,700.
And then, boop, it's back up in the late 80s to 2,300.
2,600 in 1990.
You're right.
Holy fuck.
It was out in the clubs, nightclubs, baby.
You know why 84 kicked off?
It was crack.
Yeah.
Well, no, 79 is when it no, it was 1974.
When it jumped to 2,300, it was 84.
No, it was 2072, dude.
Yeah, when it's in 84.
84 is not that big of a jump.
2,300.
No, it was 2082.
84, it goes down to 1,700.
Oh, okay.
Which is like the lowest it's been since 1969.
And then, but it's basically hovering around 2,000 from fucking from 1972 all the way through to 1995.
It's 2,000.
Basically, our entire young lives.
Yeah.
And then Giuliani comes in.
Right?
When was Giuliani?
Dinkins was 92.
Dinkins was in the mid to late 90s.
So he was a DA.
He got rid of the mob, right?
He's a federal prosecutor, Giuliani.
Yep.
And then when was he mayor?
Lawyer, mayor of New York City, 1994.
Holy shit, dude.
94 shows up and boom.
We plummet down to 700.
And it keeps going down every year.
700, 600, 500, 400.
By 2000, I moved here in 99, it was only 489.
And what are these numbers representing?
Number of murders a year in New York City.
What is it now?
I think it's what?
Maybe low, mid, I mean, high 400s, maybe 500.
No, we only have 2019 here on this chart, but it's as low as 267.
Look at Lizzie Borden.
She took an ox, gave Barbara 40 wax, and when she was done, she gave her mother 22.
And she got away with it.
Yeah.
The murder rate now is the lowest it's ever been.
Like the well, the lowest it's ever been.
I have to 1965 here.
It was 495.
It just kept going up and up and up, peaked right around Giuliani's time, and then he came, and it's been going down ever since.
All right.
So de Blasio brags about that.
But no.
It's all, as we were discussing yesterday, when the graph is going like that, and then it stops going like that.
You can't say, well, it went down under my tenure.
Yeah, sort of.
It stopped going down at a good rate, though.
That's when Giuliani disdified Times Square.
Yeah.
Stop and frisk.
Yeah, in the early 2000s, dude, you could walk around Times Square at three in the morning naked with $100 bills taped to your body.
He's right.
The only time murders go down is when there's not enough victims.
Wow.
Too true.
Too true.
All right.
So let's, I guess let's go.
We can't have the Ryan shut up thing.
And then also thanks for calling, right?
Not at the same time.
Sill, they like your new sunglasses.
Wait, bring that back up again.
One more thank you.
In August, you told us about anti-ESG fund Drill.
I immediately moved money into it.
It's the only investment I have that earned anything this year.
In less than three months, I've made almost a 10% return, which, by the way, Bernie Madoff was making 10%.
No one can break 5%.
I've made almost a 10% return.
All my other investments have given me a negative 16% loss year to date.
I haven't even checked my investments.
I'm too scared.
I only wish I would have put more into Drill.
Now that is D-R-L-L, right, Ryan?
I can't really read it from you.
Yeah, D-R-L-L.
So as we discussed, Ryan, you introduced us to ESG the other day, Monday.
We had been pushing Drill in August.
I'm turning into that money guy with the sleeves rolled up.
Jim Kramer.
Jim Kramer.
He yelled N-word at the Laugh Factory.
From Seinfield.
Not from Seinfield.
Making it.
Oh, that's a different curve enthusiast.
President.
Gav, I know you're a punk guy, but just wondering your opinion on metal.
I went to see Iron Maiden last Friday in Newark, and they were so fucking good.
I drove four hours to see them again in D.C. last night.
Your thoughts?
I love Iron Maiden.
They rule.
Yeah.
Bro, the Brute Stickinson.
They're fucking awesome.
Producer in the world.
Now, I've got a serious question for the people who listen to our show.
Why aren't people laughing more?
They walk down the street self-absorbed, worried, anxious.
Why aren't the American people laughing more?
Whatever happened to their sense of humor?
I blame phones.
But wait, let's go back to these.
We want to read these before they disappear off the screen.
Ryan's a spook.
Another $100 for the boys.
Thanks for Japanese vulgarity.
I haven't heard my wife laugh like that for some time.
Thanks for keeping us laughing in this crazy world.
No, this is from last week.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so we're caught up with those.
All right, so let's do the thanks for calling thing.
It's true.
And I can grab a beer.
Hell yeah.
You are on the air.
Mute up conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You want me to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It's great meeting from you.
Bye-bye.
All right, next call.
Bye-bye.
Home to me.
Hello.
Home to mommy.
She probably likes me.
Go to daddy.
I say bye-bye once a day.
Yeah, at least.
At least.
So in order to do the super chats, by the way, you go to the desktop version of the site.
You click watch live.
And then right underneath the player there, you'll see a blue button.
And that's how you send us a little pay message.
That's how you do it.
And now the number will appear on the bottom of the screen.
For those listening, it is 718-400-6959.
That's a funny number.
But all of that is true, what I said.
And we also have a live show, do we not?
Come on, boys.
It's true.
Last one of the leg of the tour.
It's going to be, there's going to be tons of special guests, kind of a compound.
No matter what you hear, it's going down.
I don't care if I have to do it in the Bronx Zoo and be like, can you dig it?
Dan Cortland Park.
Yeah, it's going down.
We have planned ABCDEFG.
Plenty of contingency.
Are you telling a Bronx tale?
Oh, we got these guys in the palm and terrible of my hand.
Chuck Bomantam.
Thanks.
Chaz.
Chaz.
Oh, yeah, Chaz, Fudge.
So we got callers.
I fucked Chaz Bono at a party once before she was a dude.
Oh, okay.
That's cool.
She was hot.
What was her name before she?
Chastity?
Chastity.
We dated for a while.
That's kind of an ironic name.
Is she banging?
100% of the time I say that, people believe me.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
I'll be like, I fucked Eva Mendez at a party once, and people go, oh, no way.
Really?
How is it?
I've been dreaming about it.
No, I did not.
I haven't fucked anyone famous ever.
No one has.
We never fucked famous people like dancers.
Where is Sonny and Shea?
You've never fucked anyone famous, have you, Maddie?
No.
No, people don't fuck famous people.
They're unfuckable.
You don't get to meet them.
You're unfuckable.
I've met famous dudes.
I bumped into some famous chicks, but the idea of that turning into like, oh, zero.
Yeah.
They got too many people around them.
Yeah.
I remember I met Cameron Diaz once when I was hanging out with Johnny Knoxville.
And she's like, I like your coat.
And I go, you know what's crazy about this coat?
The button was falling off.
And then I looked at it recently, and now it's back on and it's solid.
It's like that fable where the cobbler went to sleep and he woke up and they made him shoes when he was asleep.
And she's like, I never heard that before.
And I'm like, what?
It's a famous thing.
How could you not have heard of that?
She's like, I don't know what you're talking about.
And then I started going crazy because I was drunk.
And I'm like, look, I don't know the name of it.
How could you not know about the sleeping cobbler who wakes up and all his shoes are made?
That's like a thing everyone knows.
It's like Pinocchio.
Oh, yeah.
Pino Keo?
We have a caller on the Lino 206.
Go ahead there, 206.
Yeah, come on.
Hello.
Hello.
Tess, is that me?
Yeah, you're on.
Yeah, it's called the Elves in the Shoemaker.
Thank you, Maddie, and friends.
And thank you, Maddie and friends.
Yes, sir.
So here's kind of a technical question.
Gavin, you said a long time ago AIU wasn't allowed to use the N-word, and he switched it over to saying bleeps, but you say it quite frequently.
Is he allowed to get rid of bleep?
I'm not an AIU advocate, but I've noticed this.
You can go look up my account activity.
I'm a big subscriber, but this is one thing I've just realized.
Why is there a difference?
I never told CIU he can't say the N-word.
You did.
No, no, you did.
When he joined the platform, you did.
That's why he switched.
Really?
He was not saying bleeps before me?
I've just been going back into the history.
Yeah.
And look, look, I'll leave it there.
Thank you for calling.
If you get the credit for bleeps, that's so much funnier than anything.
Yeah.
Bleeps is one of the funniest things.
And if he didn't use bleeps and he was always like, yeah, so on Thursday, there was about seven niggers who were coming over to this.
Then maybe you need to.
I don't want to.
That's not cool.
Maybe you need to say.
I think I'm a genius at using it.
Yeah, it's well, I'm not saying that he is.
You can use it very, very sparingly.
Nigger.
Among that.
We got more calls.
541.
You're on the run.
Go ahead there, Call.
541.
Don't be shy.
You're shy.
It's weird.
By the way, I was interrupted with that previous caller.
The fable is from Grimm's Fairy Tales.
It's called The Elves and the Shoemaker.
It was also an animated film in 1935, but it's, am I nuts?
Have you guys not ever heard?
I've heard of that.
Yeah, they come out at night when he's sleeping and they do all his work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Regularly.
Yeah.
He was fucked before, like he was about to lose his business.
Are these awesome elves do all this work?
There's been so many.
I had a similar thing.
When I would get blackout drunk, I would wake up the next morning and elves had been tweeting using my account.
And I would read all these racist tweets they had put out.
And I would just delete them all slowly.
Hey, bud, you're about to lose your shot.
Maybe I'll put you on mute.
I'll put you on mute and then.
I'm done.
And then he's fucked.
Pooh.
You don't poo at night.
You only poo in the morning after your coffee.
That's no more poos for the rest of the day.
631, you're on the run.
Just my fault.
Go ahead.
It's sounding like your fault.
It smells of your fault.
That's a whiff of fault.
Yeah.
Okay, we have enough balance on the balance sheet.
The volume's up.
I'll read.
We had the first caller.
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
Well, you probably pushed a mute button somewhere.
What's up, boys?
This is a letter I'm reading now.
Please tell me you agree that weird L fucking sucks.
Funny music is trash.
I don't listen to music to laugh.
Seems gay as fuck.
Thank you, sir.
I feel the same way about Ween.
I hate funny music.
It's like joking during sex.
There is no jokes during intercourse.
Even if there's a queef that goes, even if a queef is a song.
Like, you know, the song, I remember my buddy Aiden, the drummer for Godspeed You, Black Emperor.
One time we were sitting around in the living room at our punk house on Gladstone, and his ass goes, and we go, that's the first three bars of Ugly by Fishbone.
Duh, du, duh, duh, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
He farted the beginning of Fishbone.
If I was fucking girl and she went, you playing Fishbone?
I'm farting if a woman queef that exact song I would just be like You don't break for queefs.
I don't break for queefs.
We have a t-shirt.
Exactly.
So there's no joking in sex.
You're violating a woman.
It's not a friendly act.
It's a snake eating a mouse.
It's not partying with your buds.
You're murdering someone.
It's an attack.
That's why when you see cats, one cat is like, fucking, what is going on?
I was banging this chick one night.
I'm like, oh my God, you're so fucking tight.
She goes, that's because you're in my ass.
Were you going to tell me?
Yeah.
I fucked a girl in the ass once.
I'm sorry.
And she goes, you fucked me in the ass.
I go, I thought it was your pussy.
And she goes, oh, that's flattering.
That means you can't tell the difference.
My wife showed me this Ween song, and I'm totally with you, but I liked it.
We're the mollusk.
We're weird.
It's like Frank Zappa.
You know that same, so Bill Maher had Kid Rock on.
He said that your music's funny, but it's not like joke funny, like music, like Weird Al and shit.
But I think Frank Zappa gets away with that too, though, right?
There's no funny guys?
No funny guys.
What about Nardoir?
What?
Nardwar had that funny song where he's like, there was a dude on the other side of town.
And he's kind of on the border because I don't think he's really kidding.
Yeah, he's like, he is that guy.
I think that's an art, just like using the N-word.
It's like, you could be funny and musical, but it's rare.
And Kid Rock does hit the nail.
He hits it.
I mean, I'm trying to think of a song where it's kind of sarcastic.
Like they say, The Cure.
Robert Smith said, We were making fun of pulp music.
We were doing an elaborate exaggeration of pulp, and people seemed to like it, so we just kept doing it.
I can kind of see the cure being a parody, sort of, but that's not obvious, like pajama people.
Poor Maddie has to live with the guy who worships Frank Zappa.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Giant Frank Zappa, dusty fucking sculpture painting in your living room.
You got to see what he did to his bedroom floor.
No.
I guess Frank Zappa liked maroon and black, I guess, these colors.
He painted the tiles maroon and black, like checkerboard.
And then he put Frank Zappa mustaches in the middle of each one.
Like painted them.
So his floor is tiled?
Yeah.
Like with like bathroom tiles?
No, no, no, not ceramic.
It's like linoleum?
No, like they're a commercial tile.
Like what the hell is they called?
Industrial tile.
That you'd have in a kitchen.
Like in like a school or an office building.
Oh, okay.
So linoleum.
Oh.
They're individual things.
I mean, I'm trying to think.
You can have individual linoleum tiles.
Yeah, but no, they're not like down with glue.
Yeah, it's like an industrial tile.
What the fuck?
But he, so did he paint the actual checkerboard or those tiles?
It must look like shit.
Like, did he put tape down?
Oh, he's a professional painter.
Yeah, he paints.
So he put tape down first, I guess.
Yeah, I don't know how he was in there.
I was like.
And they look like a stencil.
It looks like they're all.
These mustaches are on every floor tile in the middle.
He must have had a stamp or something or borderline gay.
He's got a picture of Frank Zappa in his room in like a speedo.
Ah, so he's getting homosexual.
Yeah, it's a little creepy.
How are we doing, Sylvia?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I was just looking at Predators Who Get a Pass.
We never hear any more about Bill Clinton or Monica Lawrence.
Why did that woman go to jail sex trafficking when we don't hear anything about the clients?
Right.
Yep.
There's a list.
Well, John's get off easy.
Yeah.
But his name was Bill.
The hookers don't, but Johns do.
You sound like you have some personal experience with that.
No comment.
Hey now.
How did you get a picture of that?
I'm good.
What camera is that?
Is that your camera?
A little swiveler.
Oh, you rotated it.
Well, it's all weird looking.
What's going to be who's going to be governor of New York?
I'm feeling pretty excited about the Led Zeppelin cover band, Lee Zeldon.
Oh, no.
He's a fucking creep.
He's against abortion.
Even if you've been raped or incest, he can go fuck himself.
Sounds good to me.
Don't get raped.
I'm just kidding.
Don't walk around in sexuality.
That is not my favorite.
How we got a pretty wife as ugly as he is and beautiful daughters is beyond me.
Maybe she went with him because he's got money.
Who knows?
541, we're going to give him a second chance.
541?
Hello.
I'm just going to keep adding people until I hear something.
Yeah, something's up.
843, I disconnected, reconnected.
What the fuck?
Going on.
You're doing something wrong.
Always assume you're doing something wrong.
Will Trump run again?
Yes.
The hell.
It worked once.
It did, right?
I think we're going to have to say goodbye to people.
Yeah.
Here, I'll read one more letter.
I was just curious if your Lady Gaga boner had anything to do with Astar is born.
It did for me.
What a smoke show.
She's kind of on the edge being weird without weird looking, which makes her way harder because she's still a smoke show, but we're looking.
I would like to make an announcement today, formally.
I now have a boner for Lady Gaga.
What?
Because she's going to be in Joker 2.
The Gucci movie put it over the edge.
She was always like Katy Perry.
A woman I knew objectively was an eight, but my dick was gay for her.
Like, it felt nothing.
She could be climbing all over me, and I'd be like, do you have any Cialis?
But then A Star is Born with No Makeup was a major winner.
And then this put her over the edge.
Is that her or Gaga?
Is this the original woman?
That's Gaga.
Wow.
The original woman is in the black and white arrest photo.
What did you think of Liza Minelli?
No, thank you.
Stephanie.
I didn't like her.
She got on TV before she got famous and not her mother, Judy Garland.
I think she, and see, God punished her.
The dumb bitch wound up in a wheelchair.
Did you see that expose documentary about her?
The lies of Minelli?
It's really good.
And Lady Gaga, of course.
Your obsession with puns is like some Russian dude who just learned English three years ago.
It's like the lies of Minelli.
That is what we are doing here.
Okay, folks, we're going to go behind the paywall and take a lot more calls.
Ideally, we get this fixed.
But for your freeloaders, you can go fuck yourselves.
And you understand that the non-freeloaders have to pay a beer and a half a month to enjoy this show.
And it's not just my show.
Maddie has his own show where he cooks in his tiny shitty little kitchen.
Oh, yeah, Maddie's shitty little kitchen.
Split pea soup with smoked ham hock chests.
We've got Isabel O'Reilly doing incredibly controversial.
And watch what you say.
Watch what you say about Russians.
I'm one quarter Russian.
Oh.
Well, then you're one quarter shitty.
I'm one quarter.
What?
We've got Atheism is Unstoppable.
Jim Goad, Josh LaCash.
There's more shows on this network per day than you should watch.
If you watch every single thing we put out, you don't have a life.
And that's a good sign.
When I started this, it was just me.
And I didn't want to say new content every day because it was only really four days a week.
There was one show.
Now, and we're getting more.
You can watch old shows like Milo when he had Nick Robinson.
We got all my CRTV shit in there.
We got Milo, Copper Cab, all that old stuff.
We went to Copper Company.
Cornell West debating Candace Owens.
Punk Rock Patriot.
A couple of deep cuts in there.
Josh Denny's new show, Big Time Sportsity Sports Show.
So subscribe.
It's worth it.
And then unsubscribe if you think you made a mistake.
At any rate, I'm going to go pee, and we're going to come back in about 10 seconds behind the paywall.
So for all you freeloaders out there, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Play till the sun.
Get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Violent protests over a speaker on campus here.
Fuck you, Normie.
He is apparently a Canadian writer, actor, comedian.
He's the co-founder of Vice.
No fuck another vagina, you gross pigs.
SiriusXF pulling the plug on Anthony Cumio this week.
You've got big fucking teeth.
I watched that and I said, this chick's too retarded to fuck.
You shouldn't do it.
They take anything you say and then fucking twist it around.
This is the part of Seth that's going to get real mean before I leave.
Wow.
I stay blooded.
I stay noise.
I stay footed.
I stay my team.
No more filthy.
You can.
They think we want to tell those kind of jokes.
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