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July 22, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:36:16
S4E144 - WOMEN WHO ROCK
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Live from New York, it's Get Up My One with Devin McGuinness.
I want to improve my station.
What do you think of my suit?
It's nice.
Harkens back to days of yore, I think.
Well, this is what inspired it.
I saw this picture of Jesse James and his brother Frank, which I texted you.
And zoom out a bit.
And I said to Anita Fashions, this was a great time for men.
Can you make me one?
And they said yes.
And here it is, folks.
My Jesse James and Frank James.
Oh, here's the check this part out.
I guess I'm supposed to wear it with a vest.
The lining is skull.
It rules.
I want a damn skull suit.
If I'm on 60 Minutes and Talk about Prowboys and I wear this, people are going to be scared.
They're going to be like, he's some sort of evil genius who controls millions of young American men with his own private army.
Yeah, I got to say, the look looks very intense.
Almost like a judge or a priest or a cult member or an evil villain or grew.
Yeah, like say they go, the guy who founded the Proud Boys wants to meet you.
And they go, why?
Trust me.
And then you go by his office and he stands up like this.
Can you get me on the wide or something?
And he's like, come in.
You know, like the dude from Better Call Saul, the black guy?
The chicken man?
That's the kind of vibe it is.
Oh, Gus Fring.
Yeah, the guy.
He was in Darth Vader, Batman, what, fucking Lil Yoda, The Mandalorian.
Yeah.
Anyway, I played Bad Reputation because I've been getting into chicks who rock, and we're going to cover that later on because a lot of chicks fucking rock.
This chick rocks.
Her and her husband decided to lure thieves with a bike and then crack their heads in with baseball hats when they stole them.
By the way, I have no idea what these kids are going to look like.
Like what?
Most of your kids look like halfway between you and your wife sometimes.
Like my youngest boy looks a little more Indian than white.
My oldest boy looks a little more white than Indian.
Like it's a combination.
What's this combination going to do?
It's like a fork and a car.
What do they have in common?
What kind of eyes?
Yeah, it's real important.
It's like a Parkington face or...
An orange in a boot.
A chicken in a plane.
What is that going to be?
Which nose are you going to choose, God?
I know you're supposed to take the guy's last name when you get married, but I think they have options.
I like Corey Grillett.
Yeah.
Instead of Savannah Cornut?
Cornut.
Maybe that's why they're so mad.
Anyway, I'll allow it.
You can do that.
Beat them with baseball bats.
Our Maderis Bab is live in front of the house where the incident reportedly took place.
Our Maderis.
She's a fucking fox, by the way.
That's my type.
Oh, that's why they named her.
She has a title, Mineris Bab.
Our Mineris Bab is on the scene.
And then beat them with baseball bats.
Our Maderis Bab is live in front of the house where the incident reportedly took place.
What kind of Bab is that?
Oh, it's a Mineris.
Some towel head with a stupid sand name is on the scene.
I love how no one can have a sense of humor on the news, too.
Yeah.
Hey, Sandtrap, what's going on out there?
Hey, Sinbaderis.
What are police saying tonight?
And you also got a chance to speak to a neighbor as well.
That's right, Alexon.
Police telling me that the incidents happened right here behind me.
A neighbor saying that the couple no longer said they wanted to move to Lamour naval base.
I did confirm with the Navy.
Hey, blah, blah, blah.
We just want to see the footage.
There we go.
You know what a better one is?
Have you seen this one where they leave a bike by a hill?
And then the guy jumps on it and he starts ripping down the hill.
There's an invisible long steel cable that is connected to it.
That's awesome.
I also saw one recently where it's a bike that fails that locks up.
I don't know if it's like remote controls.
And severely injured.
Officers say the couple planted the bike as a decoy several times throughout July to November.
If someone took the baits, they would film the entire thing.
They seem to wait a while.
I was surprised it didn't.
Nobody reported sooner because it was almost every night for a minute.
Neighbor Karis LeBeau says at first the neighborhood supported the couple, even thanking them for keeping thieves off the street.
But the support quickly diminished once people were seriously injured.
You know, I'm not for not protecting your property, protect your property, but at the same time, there was a fine line when they're starting to kind of bait them and do it kind of for other reasons because they were filming it and they were, you know, putting it online and getting a lot of support for it.
I don't have a problem.
As long as you don't do permanent damage.
Like, what should be the punishment for a stolen bike?
A broken rib.
Maybe even a broken leg.
Not a concussion.
That seems a little rich.
What do you think, Ryan?
What level of beating do you do?
Sub-concussion would be pretty good.
This one's interesting, too.
What is it?
Oh, Huff Poe.
Cyclists, please watch out for gaffer tape on bike racks, covering up that they're cut straight Through.
Oh, so oh, that's a good idea.
For a bike thief.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they get to be clever, and these heroes don't?
That's bullcrap.
So we've got a guy running for governor here in New York.
He's a Republican, and they don't like that.
So some guy with a rape claw tried to kill him.
Thank you to everyone who reached out following tonight's attack in Fairport.
Someone tried to stab me on stage during this evening's rally, but fortunately I was able to grab his wrist and stop him for a few moments until others tackled him.
I think Lee is an ex-Marine.
Or aren't you always a Marine if you're a Marine?
So he's a military dude.
Don't mess with the military man.
Look at what he was using.
They're not sending their best.
There's the guy.
It's all dirty and sweaty.
And then that's the weapon.
Do you know what that is?
It looks like a cat.
It's called like the rape kitten or something.
Women carry it in their purse and they put their fingers in it.
It's to stab a rapist.
It's a girl's weapon to protect them.
Maybe he's got some plan where you get away with a misdemeanor if you don't have a knife.
Yeah, like Maddie carries around knives that he's allowed to carry around.
They're like three inches, so they can't kill.
Maybe that's it.
I think that thing is legal everywhere.
Yeah, that's what he's doing.
He's minimizing his charges.
He's not going to get attempted murder.
You know what?
Wouldn't that bother you if you're reaching around in your purse?
You're going to keep jabbing yourself.
And you can't put it in your pocket.
It's going to rip your pocket lining.
Remember the guy I barfed with?
I hypocrite?
I was on his show with some other chick in Ghazi and I vomited right there.
His accountant just fired him as a client, just dumped him because he's transphobe and any insensitivity towards the trans movement leads to them being murdered.
Yeah, correct.
I don't understand what's going on.
I'm really, I have no idea what's going on.
So yeah, as I said in our email, we reviewed your social media sites, and there seems to be a lot of anti-transphobia that you propagate, which we feel leads to the murder of trans people.
Which leads to murdering trans people.
By the way, anti-transphobia is good, isn't it?
What are you...
What are you looking at?
So he keeps going.
This goes on for a long time.
And later on the video, he only cites one example and it said, why are so many serial killers cross-dressers?
That'll come up about 80% of the way in.
And then the accountant, but it's true.
And I backed it up with data.
And he goes, yeah, but I mean, I'm sure a lot of serial killers are military.
And then the guy goes, okay, well, that's a valid video, too.
We should explore that.
I'm just trying to understand patterns here.
And of course, the guy doesn't bend.
So, you know, why have a discussion with him?
Are you going to convince him otherwise?
I mean, I guess it makes a good video, but can you sue for that?
Well, he divulges, the tax guy divulges that he's had a relationship with a trans person before.
Right.
Which, you know, your natural instinct is, ew.
You mean you fucked a dude in the ass who had fake tits?
Right.
Or you dated some weird chick who took so many testosterone pills, he has a wispy, pubey beard.
That's less gross.
It's just you fucked an ugly chick.
So you either fucked an ugly chick or you fucked a crazy fake.
I like how you can take those two possibilities and turn it into.
I've been madly in love with someone in the trans community, so I'm basically part of it now.
Wow.
We used to call those perverts.
We used to call those drug addicts.
We used to call those meth heads.
This is his second attempt to get his taxes done this year.
At this rate, IRS is going to lock me up.
Yeah, that's got serious repercussions, right?
I mean, he's super late with the taxes.
He waited to the last, last minute to tell him this.
Well, also, I assume, I don't know where he lives, but let's say it's a small town.
The accountant community is going to be pretty limited.
Right.
My brother had to delay his wedding.
Because the caterers found out he's my brother, and they said, no, we're not catering your wedding.
Because the founder of the Prow Boys' brother can't have people eat at his wedding.
That's the way it is up in Canada.
So the wedding's delayed.
Because it's such a tight-knit community that once they found out, all the other caterers found out.
And now none of the caterers in the town, small Canadian town, will do the wedding.
You know, when this sort of shit happened to the Adams family in the new animated feature, which I told you you should watch.
It's like, I think it's encouraging.
Yeah, I'm 52.
What am I?
Two?
Five.
My kids are too old for that movie, Ryan.
Well, it's got a good lesson.
They're completely ostracized by the entire neighborhood.
And they're like, you know what, let's just lean into this.
And if you lean into that and you're like, you know what?
We got some...
Maybe you're going to get some company soon at your catering place.
What if you just leaned into it.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Be like, well, maybe some Proud Boys are going to show up to your catering thing.
So you threaten the caterers?
That's not a threat.
You just say maybe something?
Be like, oh, I wouldn't want to do that.
And is that what they did in the Adams family?
They threatened their neighbors?
Yeah, since they were seen as spooky monsters, they were like, you want to see Spooky?
I'll give you Spooky.
Wow.
I love having an educated person on the show who can cite the literature they're familiar with and the culture that they enjoy and impart that via metaphors to the show.
It's very helpful.
That's why you should read books, kids.
Or else you sound like that.
Or you sound like the fucking writers on Samantha Bee where every metaphor is Harry Potter.
What is this, Valdemort?
And then some guy walks in looking like Dumbledore.
And then they also cite Disney princesses and stuff.
This is the, he looks fatter than the fucking mermaid bitch who's got the black hair.
Ursula.
Ursula.
See?
This is a funny example of censorship, though.
This appears to be right-wing censorship because as a host alludes to global warming, he gets shut down because it's not cheery enough.
And I think that's an interesting thing to point out with the censorship.
A lot of it is apolitical, and it's just, we don't want to bum out our sponsors.
Like I keep telling you when I was at Fox News, I was told not to make fun of fat people because that's their bread and butter.
And I honestly believe this is why you don't see a lot of African news on American TV.
Noah, Trevor Noah tried it when he first took over the daily show.
He's like, you're not going to believe what is going on in Zimbabwe with fucking Mugabe.
And then they find out that he cut open a pregnant woman because he wanted to see what it looks like.
He didn't do that.
That was another dictator, but you get the idea.
That's not atypical for African news.
And then everyone just went, eh, it's way too fucking freaky.
And people are eating supper.
So take it down a notch.
So this is the news ceiling as far as apocalyptic environmentalism goes.
Yes?
Are we not being clear?
We're trying to tell you that the entire planet is about to be destroyed.
Okay.
Well, it's, you know, just something we do around here.
You know, we just keep the bad news light.
Oh, you see, John, you're outside enjoying the sunshine.
It's not too hot, is it?
No, it's absolutely lovely.
It's what, 20 degrees out here?
It's perfect.
But on a series of 20 degrees, folks, by early next week, you can scratch 20 degrees.
It could well be 40 degrees.
I think there will be hundreds, if not thousands, of excess deaths early next week.
Charts that I can see in front of me are 40 degrees is 104.
So we all like nice weather, but this will not be nice weather.
This will be potentially lethal weather for a couple of days.
It'll be brief, but it'll be brutal.
So, you know, we can.
So, John, I want us to be happy about the weather.
And every single...
I don't know whether something's happened to meteorologists to make you all a little bit fatalistic and harbingers of doom.
Because all of the broadcasts, particularly on the BBC, every time I've turned on anyone's talking about the weather, they're saying that there's going to be tons of fatalities.
But haven't we always had hot weather, John?
I mean, wasn't the 76, the summer of 76?
That was as hot as this, wasn't it?
No.
And we are seeing more and more records more and more frequently and more and more severely.
So yeah, some people always hop back to the summer of 76, which was a freak event 40-odd years ago, over 40 years ago.
But heat waves are becoming more extreme.
This is yet another one which is coming down the track towards us.
And, you know, I don't think we should be too...
Yeah, so he's full of shit, and he thinks that you can judge the weather by a couple of decades.
Oh, that's fucking hilarious.
There's tons of these, actually.
I think that he's pushing a false narrative of climate change, but that's his opinion, and he's a meteorologist, so he has a valid opinion.
Let him talk.
Let him on the show.
Put him in the movies, as Bill Hicks would say.
And then finally, before we start the show, I presume you're familiar with Tony Poznanski.
I like occasionally being reminded that he exists and he sells his art.
What percentage of this man's art is purchased as a joke?
I don't know.
Does he care?
I think his prices range from $40 to $100 for what I believe is the worst drawings I've ever seen in my life.
It makes me wonder, is he special?
Let's look at some of them, shall we?
Oh, this is his pinned tweet.
$50 per original.
Oh, that's good.
So what have you got there?
I can't wait for you to lose Rubio.
Uh-oh, Marco Rubio sucks.
So that's Jesus Christ not condoning Marco Rubio.
Love is love.
He uses stickers, too.
Every time you see something that's not terrible, it's a sticker.
So that's pro-gay.
Gur, I always, what is that?
Gur.
Always knew you were criminals.
Uh-oh.
The Corrupt Secret Service.
Holy shit.
Is that a Pokemon?
Why does it have a fucking lightning tail?
And why has he got a piece of hair?
Ew.
Clean up your art, sir.
There's a piece of hair on it.
There's a pube on it.
There's a pube on his art.
There's a pube on his dog's ass.
Did he try to fuck that dog?
I don't know.
As do I. What's the name of the dog?
It's too small for me to read.
I warned them, as did I. Myr?
Hillary and Major.
Major.
I guess her dog is called Major.
Hillary and Major were right about everything.
So anyway, that's a fun guy if you want to check out some local outsider art.
And now that brings us to.
I thought Major was Biden's dog.
Look at this fucking guy.
Let's see what he has to say.
Okay.
Healthy living.
Buddy.
I'm trying a new drink, and it's supposed to be like some sort of healthy cleanse, but also for energy.
And I'm real excited about it.
I saw it online.
Here it is.
It is apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, lemon juice, and a touch of honey.
And it's supposed to be like a spicy lemonade.
So I'm real excited.
Oh, fuck.
That ain't no lemonade.
What's up, everybody?
Wow.
I'm trying to do a drink.
All right, that brings us to Comedy Cringe.
So let's start the show.
Yeah.
Whoopsie.
No, that's wrong.
No, that's not how it goes.
It comes from there, and it goes that way.
Bring me a monster truck.
Okay, here we go.
Bring me a monster truck.
The Chelsea handler cringe keeps improving.
And we've had some baby monsters help me out with some back research.
Now, she started out saying, I don't want kids in a cool kind of way.
Like, I'm a badass and I'm not going to quit smoking.
That's how it started.
How it's ended now is a turkey neck and extreme loneliness and a what have I done.
This is especially painful for her when she goes to family reunions and sees that all her siblings have bred and they have these beautiful teenage girls, children, fun people to hang out with, witty, interesting people that give you immortality and are there your whole life.
Although I'm in a fight with my parents right now.
My mom, and do you get this?
When you get older, your mother sends you photo albums of you as a baby.
And you're like, I don't want this.
So I got, I got, she made this big, beautiful photo album, worked hard on it, and it's my wedding.
It's like, did you get it?
What'd you think?
And I was like, to be honest, I have these pictures.
I sent you copies.
So you're sending me something I already have.
And I hate all these people.
About 90% of the people who are at our wedding stabbed us in the back.
It's all vice people, comedian friends.
It's all people that walked out on us.
So it's kind of mean, actually.
And then my dad called me an ungrateful cunt.
He's never called me a cunt before.
That was a biggie.
And my wife was like, why did you do that?
Just say thank you.
And I'm like, if I say thank you, I lie.
And after I left Vice, about two years after, she gave me a huge stack of Vice magazines.
I'm like, and I was still sore about the split.
And I'm like, I don't really, I have tons of these, by the way.
And I don't need to see this.
That's my ex-job.
Anyway, I said to my wife, I go, if I go, oh, thank you, that's amazing.
And when she goes like this by accident, then she's not a real mom and we're not in a relationship.
And it's like senility.
And I'm not prepared to do that.
If it's like, hello, oh, you're Jesse James?
I'll be like, yeah, I'm Jesse James.
When we get to that, I'll do that.
But we're not there yet.
So right now, if my mom goes, you're Jesse James?
I go, no, it's the suit similar.
What are you talking about?
Of course not.
He's been dead for 200 years.
What?
That's a Larry David thing to do.
Like, can't you just say thank you?
You're like, no.
And there's a perfectly good reason for it.
Yeah, but that music means something else.
That music is for when you totally fuck up your life.
Yeah.
It also embodies his attitude towards life, which is...
Yeah, you're never wrong.
He's never wrong.
Well, this time I'm right.
No, you're not.
It's that theme song.
It's a meme, Ryan.
Yeah, but I did not use it for a meme.
I use it for the OG piece.
I understand, but there's no OG purpose.
It's an accepted thing that means this guy's a buffoon.
Well.
So you're wrong.
Say it.
I don't want to.
Wow.
All right.
I'm right.
Hey, what the fuck?
Yeah, that's more accurate.
So here she is in her Hallicon days of shitting on kids.
Very admirable that Gwen is able to have such a huge career and children, but I feel differently.
And now here's a word from our sponsors.
When you have kids, you can't just walk around your house in the middle of the day sleeping weed.
Yeah, you can.
It's called a school day.
When the kids are all at school, which happens real fast.
It's like zero to four.
And even in four, around four, there's pre-K.
But in four years, boom, they're off.
So once your youngest is four, parties on, Wayne.
Smoke weed all day.
Sit on your ass.
And then after your buzz wears off, your adorable children come home.
You silly cow.
Around the house smoking weed because I'm childless.
Look at all the pictures of family members.
What a great life.
Your 20s and 30s, people will try to trick you into having kids.
But it's possible to remain childless and alone.
You just have to want it.
Like she's spreading this evil propaganda.
This is a whole montage of them.
See, I'm sitting here in my spacious home with no children.
I'm having a cocktail at 10 a.m. going over some paperwork.
By the way, stop.
There's not just no children.
There's nobody.
You are all alone.
And I don't want to watch 10 hours of storage wars.
When you become an adult, you realize time is precious.
I want to interact with people.
And when you have kids, you have skin in the game.
So you talk to someone at a bar about, I don't know, gun control or taxes or a shooting that went on in a nearby town.
This is all vitally important information for you because you want your kids to be safe and to prosper.
So you're out there learning about the world and sharing information.
You're part of the equation.
You're part of the big picture.
That's what I get when I'm at church.
I feel like I feel connected to dead generations before me.
You're all united together.
She's not in it.
She's not participating in life.
She's a dead ghost.
And fifthly, if you've got paperwork to go over, it's not good to be drunk.
You're going to miss shit and fuck it up.
Who wants to look at paperwork drunk?
This is your idea of paradise?
Storage wars and fucking up expense reports.
Thank God you don't have kids holding you back.
Wrong.
Don't get confused and think that you're over 40 and you only have one or two good edges.
You know who she's talking to right now?
A woman named Chelsea Handler.
There's a giant mirror in front of her.
You fucked up.
You waited too long and your ship sailed.
Your ovaries died.
You blew it and you're going to be miserable.
Why don't you go back into your hallway there and stare at all the pictures of your nieces and nephews and cousins and pretend somehow their love comes out of the photograph into your life?
You're going to roll on your back with some loser and then plop out a baby.
Some loser, yeah.
You can be childless and alone.
You mean all the men you've dated for less than a year?
Just stick to your guns, girl.
We'll do one more.
Oh, is that it?
No.
Is there another one?
There are a ton of mysteries in the universe, and since I don't have children, I don't have to explain any of them.
I don't have some nosy, precocious child asking me questions about the galaxy, the Milky Way, or what a moon.
The term is curious.
Look at her dog there.
I don't need companions.
I have a machine, a biological machine that's been bred for thousands of years to love me unconditionally.
That's who loves me.
Something that's been bred to love me and has no choice.
Talk about choice.
A dog is basically a retarded love slave.
So she gets love slaves from the local pound and they love her because that's their duty.
And then she drinks wine and shits on children.
Maybe she'll be in the war on kids.
Little children.
I don't want to deceive them.
I don't want to pretend that there's a Santa Claus or an Easter bunny or explain to them when they're going to get their first.
It sucks coming up with fun games and mythology and culture and tradition.
How horrible.
What's worse than Santa?
Christmas morning with little kids running downstairs, opening their presents, freaking out because it's exactly what they asked for.
Isn't she Jewish?
Why Santa?
You don't celebrate Christmas.
Yeah.
Or what this suit is.
I had to figure out all of that on my own.
I also hate arts and crafts.
I hate stickers.
I fucking hate glue.
I hate Disney movies and I hate animation.
I hate Smurfs.
I hate Batman.
I hate Robin.
I hate to have a lot of Spider-Man.
I hate all of it.
And I don't ever want to go back to anyone's childhood.
Kids, they're not that great.
Who hurt you?
Who raped you every day of your childhood?
Anyway, it goes on and on like that.
And then here she is today.
You can sort of tell by a woman's neck how lonely they are.
And now that they're, because that old stuff you saw was probably from like 10 years ago, maybe more.
Now the ship is, you can't even see it on the horizon.
It was a speck.
It's gone over the curve.
And yes, the earth is curved, you fucking weirdos.
But now the turtleneck hides the turkey neck, and the turkey neck says, I'm alone, and I don't like it.
Listen to these people.
Mom's in denial.
Clock is ticking, which is, you know, passe and old school.
But like, they should come up with a new phrase for how you know when you know that you don't want to have a child.
Yeah.
Like I've never been on the fence about that.
I've known in, you know, in my gut and my soul that that is not what is meant for me.
Yeah.
I think, yeah, I think most people know.
I feel like I knew early on, and then as I got older, I was like, oh, maybe, you know, everyone's telling you you should have a baby.
Stop, did you see?
Are you going to have a baby?
So then everyone's, she goes, oh, maybe.
And then she realizes, oh, shit, I'm giving away.
Not to us.
This is all directed to Amir.
I'm giving away that I regret it and I wish I had a kid.
I got to change course here very quickly.
So she pivots and says, they say that you got to have a kid.
And then she says something that is really telling.
She's about to say, that fucks with you.
When people tell you to have a kid and you're getting older, it really deeply fucks with you.
I wonder why.
I wonder why.
I want Jiminy Glick to interview her.
Why?
Why do you think it is that you said that it really fucks with you when people tell you not to have a kid?
You could tell me to be gay for all of my 20s and 30s.
Just try it.
Suck a dick.
They're really delicious.
You'll love it.
It wouldn't fuck with me.
I'd be like, okay, look, no thank you.
And why do you keep pushing this?
I'm not interested, okay?
Go nuts, gays.
Have fun.
It wouldn't fuck with you if it's something that you weren't interested in.
She's interested.
And she blew it.
That fucks with you, but your heart always knows.
I don't think it's for me.
And now I'm 36 and I'm like, yeah, I don't want to do that.
Yeah, it's not up to you anymore.
You know how they say your clock is ticking, which is, you know, a passe.
So that was fun.
This is her crying over Joe Coy.
Therapy and understanding that every door shutting is a new beginning.
Chelsea Handler is trying to.
She's in this perpetual.
I thought it was a new beginning.
Remember, she was so happy about it being a new beginning.
She loved the dump.
How are you right now in this moment?
I'm okay.
I mean, I feel, you know, optimistic about the future now.
I've changed so much.
And I've loved, my love was like so big that it just blew me open.
And as painful as the ending of something like that is, I'm so well versed in therapy and understanding that getting down is a new beginning.
And I do believe it.
I don't think that's horseshit.
I don't think that's horseshit.
Who are you talking to?
Yeah, I don't think that's fucking horseshit.
I love being alone.
We are not going to be okay.
And I think, I guess the message that I want to like spread out to other women is exactly what you're saying is not to give up.
Sorry, I hate fucking crying on camera, but is not to give up because this is so important.
And it's easy to say, throw in the towel and that we're going to leave.
What is she talking about?
Hillary Clinton losing.
Oh, Hillary Clinton.
See, that's what happens.
Women have maternal instincts.
So when you take away the maternity, it focuses on something else.
And it's always something retarded, like Hillary Clinton or dogs.
Here she is talking about her dogs, like anyone gives, a flying fuck.
Nope.
Wait, more comedy.
Is it 2-0?
Gotcha?
Yeah, what are you doing?
Being gay.
Sucking shit.
Listen to this.
I'm so sick of that, too.
What kind of answer is that?
What kind of margin of error?
Are you a doctor or not?
You can tell.
We know that kangaroos were alive on the island of Australia 25 million years ago because of a half of a tooth.
And you can't tell me how old the fucking Chow Chow is?
I mean, honestly, fuck yourselves.
We can tell how old you are.
Yeah, we can tell exactly how old you are.
56.
Not a lot of laugh lines, though.
That's interesting.
How old is she?
Or from the audience, they're in no danger of getting laugh lines.
Terry, how old is Chelsea Handler?
Chelsea Handler.
Oh, shit.
She's only 47.
Whoa, that neck grew up real fast.
Shit.
Also, this is a new segment, Comedy Cringe.
Hey, let's get our buddy to make a thing for it.
Okay?
A background?
A background.
And an interstitial.
What's this?
In complete disbelief.
Oh, this is a new show with Kevin Hart.
It's super cheap 90s animation, and it's all about what goes on in his world.
Wait, go back.
I got to hear the audio.
This is so affordable.
How much was this?
This is like iPhone technology.
Yeah, some guy did this on his phone in Korea.
Look how cheap it looks.
Turn it up.
Flashing lights.
This is when I realized you just don't know who people are.
I'm small, but I ain't stupid.
You ain't got nothing.
That's not performing.
I feel my stomach.
Oh, no.
It's going to happen.
Confessions from the heart.
And I can't wait.
Don't threaten me with a good time.
Wow.
So you know what that is?
Yeah, he hired his black cousins to do the animation and everything.
He probably owns the animation studio, right?
And so he just sits.
Remember when I did the story times at the marathon?
So he sits in a podcast booth and he just talks and tells stories.
And then they animate it.
So he did it for like six hours.
He told stories.
And now they have a season.
Nobody wants to look at that fucking animation, dude.
Your fucking Wii emoji from your Nintendo Wii level animation.
Remember Jay Howell from Bob's Burgers, he used to do that punk skit cut.
I did one about DMS that they had to take down because DMS threatened to kill everyone.
But they would tell stories and they would animate them.
And it was like a lot of flash and it was pretty cheap and easy and it was beautiful.
And they would go back and forth from the guy to the story.
Have I got the guy's name right?
The Bob Sperger's guy.
Punks get cut.
Do I have to look up shit on my own here?
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Can I find yours, you think, or no?
It's gone.
Mine's gone.
I just told you that it's banned.
Okay, let's do someone else's job here.
Punks get cut.
I'll say Jay Howell.
I was right.
Yes, Jay Howell.
So now you go over here.
You go Jay Howell.
You go story time.
And what do we got here?
Bouncing off the walls.
Was that it?
Classic Tales.
Van's Classic Tales.
See how life works?
Oh, have they taken it down?
Those were great.
It's a good way to do things.
Yeah, it's gone.
Maybe they got into a dispute.
I know he had a big fight with Bob's Burgers, and they ended up quitting.
Yeah, here it is.
Classic Tales behind the scenes.
Tony Trujillo drove off a mountain and survived.
Vans.
Gotcha.
Come on, come on.
Tony Trudhillo, T-R-U-G-I-L-L-O, drove off a mountain and survived.
Look in videos, look in YouTube.
Why am I better at your job than you?
And I'm also hosting a show.
How do you spell Trujillo?
For the second time, T-R-U-J-I-L-L-O.
But if you spell it wrong and include drove off a mountain and survived Classic Tales vans, you're going to get there.
It's going to work out.
Still waiting, still waiting, still waiting.
I mean, I might as well just set up my computer to the screen.
Yeah, let's do that.
Well, I'm Tony Trujillo.
Right for fans, you know, skateboard team.
Play music, like rock.
I got a couple kids, dog, you know, American family kind of guy.
And like the budget was probably a thousandth of what Kevin Hart is spending on that pile of shit.
This was back in 2015, Skate Rock, South Africa.
You don't really know where you're going half the time when you're like on these trips.
You're kind of in the back of the van, and somebody's got some kind of schedule, and you don't know where you're going.
We ended up in this place, Valley of a Thousand Hills, and it's up in the mountains, freaking middle of nowhere.
So we start making our way, and everything seems fine.
See, if they did this, and then he's a great artist.
He did a bunch of my tattoos.
I mean, Jay Howell and juxtaposed it with Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart's an interesting guy to look at.
He's good at facial gestures.
It would have been awesome.
But it wouldn't be affirmative action because Jay's white, so we can't do that.
Everyone's going to watch this that was in their fucking absolute shit because meritocracy is dead.
It's an NFT project like Seth Green's.
So these are NFTs.
Those shitty drawings?
Yeah.
Those are NFTs?
What?
Ugh.
Nauseating.
A bunch of marketing people and affirmative action shit making art.
What could be less artistic?
And then we've got this Muslim comedian, 2-2.
She's...
This is brutal.
And again, this is affirmative action, the death of meritocracy.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
My name is Holdo Hirsi, okay?
But the vanilla version of my name is Hodo Hirsi.
So you're welcome, okay?
Yeah, you come from a shitty culture with stupid names.
So I don't need to learn the Hersey.
Do I say Nicaragua?
You're in my country, too.
So we're going to anglicize your name.
I'm sorry.
Bad news.
What the fuck is this now?
This makes me want to look up what Lily sings up to these days.
Her show was canceled.
Does she cry about it?
That's the thing about affirmative action.
It doesn't last.
Every time you see someone who's hired because they're a black lesbian or something, it's assumed that they were being held back by racism.
And then they show you what they got and you go, oh, no, no, you weren't being held back.
You suck.
Welcome.
And then they get fired.
And a bit of a dirty secret, bit of a confession to make off the top, okay?
I am my father's favorite child.
I know, that's kind of gross to say out loud.
Can't you just tell how many times she's rehearsed this in her living room?
Certain pockets in the crowd.
I get it.
It's disgusting, okay?
But this is what I've learned being the favorite child, okay?
I'll never know what it's like to be white, but I feel like being white and being the favorite child are almost the same thing.
Like, almost the same thing, you know?
Right?
So there is a studio audience there.
I just heard a laugh, but it's deathly silent.
Like, you're having fun while everyone else is mad at you.
You know what I mean?
And you see that they're mad, so you try to pretend like it's not as fun, but you're having a blast.
It is.
Really?
Why is the white male suicide rate so severe and so much higher than every other group suicide rate?
Thick and fun.
It is a good time.
I did grow up in a broke immigrant household, so that does take me down a couple pegs.
Okay.
And we were poor.
We were comfortably broke.
You know, that was the name of our unspontaneous.
It's this painful, fucking repetitious shit show.
She's practiced this a thousand times.
She's like a robot right now.
We're a country goal.
And, you know, there are some unspoken rules growing up in a broke immigrant household.
One of the rules is that once you start working, everyone has to pitch in for the bills of the house, for the finances.
And when I was a teenager working a minimum wage job, this wasn't an issue.
Okay.
But then I got older, started to make some real money.
And I was like, still?
Why didn't you move on?
I still got to do this.
So what I'm saying is there's a ball of resentment in my chest.
Okay.
Don't know how else to say this, but we got to get rid of these immigrants, you guys.
We got to get them out.
Got to get them out.
Especially my parents.
Okay.
We got to get them out.
Okay.
She's watched Dave Chappelle.
We got to get him out.
We got to get him out.
Okay.
I self-identify as a Republican now.
Let's build the wall.
Build it.
Let's get him out.
Let's get him out.
Block twist in the set.
Anyways.
I don't get her joke.
Like, she wants her mother out so she doesn't have to pay bills.
If her mother leaves, she has to pay all the bills.
And why would she care about other immigrants making their kids pay their bills?
There has to be some semblance of logic to a joke.
And you don't have a lot of black and brown friends.
I'm going to give you a bit of a heads up.
Okay.
We are making fun of you guys.
You know, behind your back to your face, holding a microphone.
We're making fun of you guys.
a common insult I hear about white people that I do not agree with, okay, and I stand up for the Caucasian community on this one.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I am a reverse ally.
That's what I am.
Okay.
Common insult I hear is people say, oh, you know, white people, white people don't have a culture.
White people don't have a culture.
And that's not true because white people, you guys do have a culture.
And it's something shitty.
Commemorative coins.
White people love a good commemorative coin.
The problem with white culture is there's too much.
Like, what about the Highland Games?
What about running with the Bulls?
What about the Gaudi's architecture in Barcelona?
What about the docks in the Netherlands and the clogs and the windmills up there?
What about the Schluppenplatz in Stuffendorf?
Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest.
The Welsh accent.
Flying planes.
Separating church and state.
Equal rights.
Not throwing gays off buildings.
She's telling us how much white people suck.
Meanwhile, she ran here because she'd be stoned to death in her home country.
And I don't mean marijuana.
Because she's showing too much cheek.
Yeah.
She's brought the oppression with her, though.
She's not allowed to show her hair.
So she's brought her primitive bullshit, which we used to do, I guess, a thousand years ago.
But yeah, they haven't quite caught up to us yet.
But they have caught up to our luxuries.
Stop it.
Don't tell me why people don't love a good commemorative coin, okay?
It's money that's decorative, okay?
They're never going to spend it, okay?
And it's from some beauty.
Yeah.
And that's a really niche group of people.
Commemorative coins.
How many white people do you know that have commemorative coins?
Zero?
No one cares about anymore.
Okay.
It's peak white wealth.
I love it.
Commemorative coins.
Okay.
I don't care about World War II.
If no one cares about World War II, why do we keep hearing about it?
Next I want to say is the word shenanigans.
Shenanigans kind of just rolls off the tongue.
All white people say shenanigans.
This is really.
Should we get into what you do to gays?
It rolls off the tongue unlike anything in your language.
Yeah.
I think if you insult Muhammad, then they roll off your tongue and it's lying on the ground.
Is throwing gays off building considered shenanigans?
Is cutting a baby's clit off a shenanigan?
Fuck.
Next I want to say is the word shenanigans.
Shenanigans.
What about whipping rocks at a woman because there's a rumor that she cheated on her husband?
Can you even dance on a shenanigans in your home country without getting buried in some of your family?
Can you do stand-up in your home country, by the way?
Can you physically stand up legally in your country?
Or do you have to be sitting?
Can you drive to the comedy club on your own to do your shenanigans?
It just rolls off the tongue.
It's a good time.
I don't know how to spell it, but it's a good time.
I like it.
Shenanagens.
And then the last one, which I think is a smart move, you know, I'm not, I'm personally not going to do it, but like, good for you, white people.
Okay, white people love putting their parents in a home.
White people love a good home.
They do.
They do.
Why'd you steal Sarah Silverman's voice?
She's white.
Yeah.
We don't kill our old people.
Shout out to Nana.
We love you, girl.
Okay, white people love a good home.
I like how she's hair criticism.
Like she touches her hair, but it's a scarf.
She's got to put it behind her ears.
Shout out to Nana.
We love you, girl.
Congratulations.
You found out a bad thing about white people.
They put people in a home.
I don't think that glittery head wrap is halam.
Yeah.
It's halal.
It's haram.
Yeah, it looks a little glamorous.
She's a harmonious.
Or someone who's supposed to be humble.
And then finally in our new segment, Comedy Cringe, we have Nick Mullen talking shit about our boy Anthony Kumia.
Starts at 1730.
I watched this actually, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You guys want to hear him like that?
Oh, it's not 10.
Like 10,000.
You got to be rich, basically.
You have to write a letter to them.
You can only be going to a firing range or from the firing range home.
The only people that had guns in New York City were Robert De Niro, Donald Trump, and Anthony Coomb.
Those are the only three people with like a joke.
Do you remember that when Ant, like, he got into it with that black lady?
Yeah.
Do you remember how he got canceled?
He was clearly just filming some black lady.
Yeah.
And then she was.
I don't want to never mind.
Go ahead.
No, it's funny to imagine him following her and be like, look at her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he was taking pictures.
He may have said scaffolding to Yazid.
I don't believe it was scaffolding.
But he was taking pictures of Times Square very late at night.
Very late at night, Times Square ceases to be nice and it becomes a fucking circus.
And there's whores everywhere and junkies and homeless people and gang members.
It's not a very pleasant place to be.
He sees an Amazonian tranny who's about seven feet tall.
And he's like, this is a cool picture.
And I can make fun of her later.
She probably senses that.
It probably senses that, that it's being mocked or about to be mocked.
So it loses its temper and immediately starts punching Anthony.
He blocks them all, whatever, gets punched, doesn't pull a Gun doesn't fight back, and he's fucking pissed and a little drunk.
And he puts out about 10 tweets that say things like, These fucking people have a problem where they immediately go to violence.
It's kind of true.
Yeah, I don't know.
He was because he was like, I was taking a picture of the scaffolding.
Is that his offense?
Now, you'll notice Shane has been canceled, so he's not piling on because he knows what it's like.
Nick hasn't been canceled, and he's probably autistic.
So he's just like, I'm going to shit on this guy for laughs and not worry about the truth.
Pen Gillette posted on Twitter afterwards, he's like, you should be thanking Anthony Cumier right now, and then posted a picture of Anthony Cumiya's concealed carry permit, as if we all owe him an apology for not murdering that black lady in cold blood.
What was their allegation about?
He was clearly just filming some black lady being like, look at this baboon or whatever the fuck he was doing.
And then she saw him recording her.
So he gets a professional grade camera worth thousands of dollars just for that purpose?
I doubt that.
I mean, look, this is all of his photography right here.
And probably, you know, all right, so let's say there's a woman of the night walking through New York City.
That's a photo.
That's a cool picture.
That's a cool picture.
It's like, this is New York, you know?
This is.
Yeah.
You're allowed to do that.
He wasn't filming her.
He was taking pictures.
And if you're taking pictures of New York City late at night, a gigantic tranny is a cool picture.
And you see a lot of look at this baboon.
Right.
Yeah, that's off-brand for him and his staircase fucking, I don't know, sewer great pictures.
Like, I'm not.
Yeah, the scaffolding is actually pretty on-brand.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Right, right.
Yeah, and by the way, you're allowed to take pictures of whoever you want.
You're not allowed to just go up and attack people.
And if someone beats this shit, punches someone who has a gun on them, yeah, they're lucky that they didn't get shot.
Yeah.
I don't know why he's intentionally getting this wrong.
I don't, unless he really thinks that's the he's just trying to make interesting content because he's plugging a new show.
Oh, yeah.
And he doesn't care who he fucks over.
You know, and like started hitting him up, you know, like, and he was recording the thing.
And then he posted it on Twitter and was like, these people are all fucking savage animals.
That's why he's not going to be able to do it.
And then Sirius was like, I don't like stuff like that.
I'm very sensitive about throwing people under the bus.
If they are proven to be pedophiles, it's a fact, they're going under the bus.
If they wantonly beat the shit out of women, they're going under the bus.
I know of two cases where that accusation was false.
So I'm not like Jesse Lee Peterson.
He may or may not have diddled some old man, like someone his age.
You know what?
The only thing that goes against...
Not jumping in.
You know, the only thing that goes against Anthony is he got this drone called the Baboon Filmer, and it's bad luck.
That kind of helps Nick's theories.
Really funny, Ryan.
Also in the news, depression has been debunked.
I knew it.
Now, welcome.
Welcome, Jack, to us four years ago.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but the science said depression was caused by a, quote, chemical imbalance for 20 years, and this has just been debunked.
Now, if you recall, go to jump to 2.6.
We talked about this with a guy who has a funny name, and I made it my whole show.
And this guy said, we over-medicate depression, and it's often, the vast majority of the time, your lifestyle.
And I remember I had a buddy upstate who was going to marry this girl.
She was much younger than him, like 10 years.
I guess that's not that much.
And they were madly in love.
He was planning the proposal.
And as he got closer to the date, she made it clear that this wasn't going to happen.
They had just bought a dog, too, which is weird.
And so he went on Prozac?
I forget what it was.
I don't know antidepressants.
I would never do them.
And I would talk to him after.
I go, how you doing?
He goes, great, fine.
We're good friends.
And I'm like, yeah, you're not supposed to be good friends.
She ruined your life.
So you should quietly hate her.
No, fuck no.
In fact, we're splitting up the dog.
She takes him one week.
I take him the other week.
You have split custody with your fake fur baby.
Oh, dude.
And then he went off them a year later, right?
And the withdrawal was so bad that he would lose his balance and like fall.
I don't know.
It does something with your equilibrium where you'd have to walk down the stairs like holding the railing because what's up was down.
And then after that year was up, he was super fucking depressed.
So all he had done with those drugs for a year is stave off the inevitable depression of having your life ripped out your asshole.
It doesn't work.
And this guy in this interview, which you can dig up, it's got off my lawn number 74.
He said, look, I'm not saying they never work.
I'm saying it's rare they work and they're over-prescribed.
And he talked about, in this interview, he talks about this farmer in, I think, Thailand who lost his leg.
And so he was continuing to farm with this stub, one leg and a stub, and he's in the rice fields.
And it's getting infected and it's hurting and it's always wet.
And you don't want something wet rubbing on your skin back and forth, back and forth all day.
You're going to destroy your leg.
So he was on medication and painkillers to try to make himself happy.
That might be what he's talking about right now.
Turn it up.
One in 11 people in Britain at any given time is taking a chemical antidepressant.
Who are depressed and anxious who aren't taking chemical antidepressants?
I wanted to understand why depression and anxiety were rising so much.
Okay, so that's not what he's talking about.
It didn't seem so.
And so the guy took all the drugs and he was still doing okay, but they changed his job.
Like maybe you're not a rice farmer anymore.
And I think he worked at some sort of data entry place that was air-conditioned and his knee dried up, his stub Dried and it was no longer corroding.
Happy guy.
Loved his life.
So, depression and drugs are not friends.
I don't believe in it.
I think depression is, I don't totally understand depression.
It's not something that I have, but it's about a lifestyle change.
It's about cleaning your room.
It's about getting in shape.
It's about quitting masturbating and porn.
It's about quitting video games.
It's about reading and self-improvement.
Working out, lifting weights, and talking to people, getting out there, socializing.
Go to a shitty bar.
I posted this one week ago.
That's so weird.
I've been saying this for a while, that depression's a myth.
Well, I'm not denying.
I don't want to deny depression, but the way we're handling it is wrong.
Saying it's a chemical imbalance means that there's nothing you could do about it.
And then you can correct the chemicals with drugs.
Right.
Right.
What's he going to say?
No, no, not him.
The black guy you just put up.
Oh, that was just, it was a silly thing where it's like, guys got three moods.
One of them is like, I'm the man.
The second one is I'm sexy.
Way it, Ryan.
Don't just show us a thing.
Let's see.
You story.
The first mood is save the school fantasy.
The second one is, I'm the greatest man that ever lived.
And the third one is crippling nightly depression.
I was like, yeah, you lost me on that one, but the first two are hilarious.
We all get sad.
2-5.
Antidepressants don't work.
This is from the Telegraph.
Major reviews suggest low serotonin levels are not a factor, and the condition is more likely linked to stressful life events.
I cannot say enough about exercise.
Depression is not a chemical imbalance, and the brain scientists have no idea how antidepressants work.
And they prescribe them.
Remember I told you this before?
I know about this kid who had shitty grades, and they said he's going to get an F unless you can prove he has ADHD.
And then we can't give him an F because we're punishing him for a mental illness.
So she goes, okay, I don't want him to get an F. So she takes him to the psychiatrist that the school recommends.
The psychiatrist goes, yes, he has ADHD.
And she goes, oh, good.
And then they go, but we got to give him Ritalin.
In other words, we want your son to become a speed addict and do methamphetamines, or we're punishing you by ruining his academic career.
Go back.
There is more to that.
What's the next one?
Most antidepressants are, they prevent the loss of a chemical that carries messages between your blah, blah, blah.
Next.
Okay, boring.
Yeah, okay, you get the idea.
So this has made an interview with Tom Cruise Go Viral, which is 2.7, where, look, I'm no Scientologist.
I don't like that they separate you from your family.
I think it's depraved.
It's a science fiction writer.
They rob people of money with all this bullshit about clarity.
However, that doesn't mean they're wrong about everything.
They're actually pretty fucking right when it comes to psychology and medication.
Now that we're moonies, Scientology really is.
We're Scientologist gun moonies now.
Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will.
Of drugging children with them not knowing.
Matt Lauer's like, I didn't do it.
Why are you leading it to me?
Leave me alone.
Very uncomfortable.
Okay, against their will.
Of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs.
Do you know what Adderall is?
Do you know Riddlin's son?
It's methane.
Amphetamine.
Ridlin is a street throat.
Amphetamine sulfate, I mean.
Do you understand?
It has meth in the word.
Difference is not against.
This is madder will, though.
Madam, asking me.
This wasn't against your question.
Madam asking a question.
I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
No, you see, here's the problem.
You don't know what you're saying.
Funny that he's abusing women as he says that.
Like, for instance, abuse.
I have a button on my desk.
I understand that there's guys who rape their co-workers.
But that's not what we're talking about, Tom.
He's like, neither am I, actually.
Psychiatry.
I do.
Two shitty dads who fucked up their families.
Masks the problem, Matt.
And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem.
That's what it does.
That's all it does.
You're not getting to the reason why.
There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer.
That these drugs are very dangerous.
They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs.
And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world.
Yes, there are abuses.
And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas.
Maybe there are too many kids in Riddlin.
ABC does not like anyone criticizing pharmaceuticals.
That's their bread and butter.
So this is not good for business.
The electric shock.
I'm just saying, but aren't there examples where it works?
Matt, Matt, you don't even, you're glimp.
You don't even know what Riddlin is.
If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt.
Okay?
That's what I've done.
And you go and you say, where's the medical test?
Where's the blood test that says how much Ridalin you're supposed to get?
It's very impressive to listen to you because clearly you've done the homework and you know the subject.
And you should.
And you should do that also because just knowing people who are...
Kids doing Riddlin is very disturbing to me.
You get fucking high.
Yeah.
Way more high than Coke.
I was thinking people were accusing Donald Trump.
Like Hunter Biden is drowning in crack controversy right now.
And if you look at liberal Twitter, they're like, we always knew Donald Trump, we know the junior rumors, senior is on Coke all the time.
Dude, do you know how much fucking Coke you'd have to do to be functional all day and not weird or sketched out?
So controlling your dosage perfectly, not getting wasted, and going from Trump, when Trump was president, he slept about four hours a night and not be gacked.
Bro.
And these rallies, dude, if you're doing Coke, you'd have to Re-bump in the middle of a two-hour rally for sure.
People don't understand.
Coke is only crack is like five minutes.
Coke is like 12, 15.
Then you need another bump.
And you're not a cool, coherent dude.
You're a chatterbox.
And you're not like, bye-bye.
Home to mommy.
You're like, bye-bye, home to mommy.
Okay, that guy's got to get back.
He's got to get home to mommy because I'll bet you what.
You know what?
I bet she'd like me.
I'm sure.
She probably voted for me.
So he's going to get back there and she's going to be all mad at him.
He's like, I voted for him.
He's like, fuck you, mom.
Just all over the floor.
That's what you'd be like.
Adderall, on the other hand, is just like air conditioning for the brain, and it's 12 hours of just...
You're the Terminator.
It's fucking intense.
Let's go back to...
You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing prescribing Riddle in, Tom, and I'm not asking anyone else to do it.
Well, you are, you're saying I know some people who seem to defend it.
But you're saying, but this is a very important issue.
And you know what?
And you're here on the Today Show.
Right.
And to talk about it in a way of saying, well, isn't it okay and being reasonable about it when you don't know?
And I do, I think you should be a little bit more responsive.
That was funny.
Now, the problem with Scientology is they're right to criticize psychiatry.
Is it psychology?
I never get the difference.
And all these pharmaceuticals and prescribing to the kids.
Unfortunately, their solution is the reason you're upset is because you're on your seventh life and like seven years ago, you were a knight who got raped with a fucking javelin.
So we got to get that out of you.
What?
Okay.
At least your heart was in the right place.
Okay, we're running out of time.
Let's jump to some feminism.
Who here identifies as a feminist?
We are the storm, the very form of change that the world has been waiting for.
You said I was too pretty to fight.
That's toxic masculinity if you don't realize how your behavior is hurtful.
Someone sent this in about how all women think they're badasses now.
And this is a perfect example of it.
This chef is with a giant fucking black man.
And she's cash me outside, motherfucker.
I'm going to fuck you up, bitch.
Bitch.
Which is fine on reality TV.
This is 3-0.
But you don't want to be doing that in real life.
Reality TV is fine because it's fake.
But don't do this in real life, ladies.
He can kick the shit out of you.
Don't help out when people ask help.
So if I need a liar.
You a liar.
I'm a liar.
I see how it is while you're sitting there eating lamb chops, getting sparkling water.
I'm sitting there busting shit out.
Look at my face.
Y'all judging me on something else, and it ain't got nothing to do with cooking.
Enough.
Right there.
My decision is...
Robin, come here.
Yes, Chef.
You're not ready to be my head, Chef in Bay.
All right, Chef.
I appreciate the opportunity coming back.
I don't want your jacket.
Keep hold of it.
Thank you, Chef.
I don't want to see you kids.
Thank you.
Get out of here.
Robin.
Robin.
Get out of here.
Look, watch this.
Watch.
This is the part.
Keep your hat up.
Oh.
I'll see you on the street, Millie.
What?
Millie?
I'll see you on the street, Millie.
She's four feet tall.
I'd love it if they saw each other on the street.
Yo, what's up, Millie?
I told you this was going down.
He's just like...
And then there's this woman cop versus a whale I thought was funny.
It's always good to see female cops pretend that they're not a complete catastrophe.
So some nut.
It's a chick cop.
There's snow there.
Does she look scary?
This is woman on woman.
You should be able to handle it.
A totally out of shape fat pig.
Oh my god, she's a vagina folder.
Okay, she got her down.
That was good.
She's trying to touch the cop.
She can't touch a cop.
She's going to get arrested.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, my God.
Good thing you're recording.
Who's this guy?
Superman.
Look, I can't do shit.
Here, you got to tackle them.
Are you missing the dude?
Put the cops on and figure out what's going on.
All right.
Enough woman bashing for one day.
I want to say some good things about Women for a Change.
So let's go to some hard rock and green screens.
Good morning, everybody.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a segment called Woman Who Rock.
By the way, I think I say the word woman annoying, Lee.
I say W-O-M-E-N, woman, so it sounds like one.
And then when I'm talking about one with A-N, I say women.
I don't know why I do that.
It might be Canadian, and I'd like to formally apologize.
That's not who I am.
It's not who we are as a network.
And we're going to do what we can to change.
We're talking to some counselors and some speech therapists about losing that annoying habit.
Anyway, dudes rock.
Yeah, yeah.
Everyone thinks of guitarists as dudes, and they say women can't do it because they just don't have the testosterone.
They don't have the concentration drug that is testosterone.
And that's why they suck at guitar.
That's why they always just sing like fucking Gwen Stefani.
No, that's not true.
Some of the top rockers in the world are broads.
And we opened the show with Bad Reputation, Which Joan Jett wrote herself.
But she's best known for her covers like this Diddy, I Love Rock and Roll.
She liked covering 50s and 60s classic rock and roll.
Not classic rock, but the original rock and roll.
Let me see the video in the background.
No, no, dude.
I sent you the fucking video.
There we go.
Stop, stop.
Stop.
Play the audio from this and start at the beginning.
It's playing.
No, no.
No, the very beginning, please.
So they're listening to Bad Reputation in the bar.
And I realized while researching this, she was really kind of a late 70s punk.
Like, this is punk.
Johnny Rottenoe says this was the end of punk when they went to New York and they started dressing like New Yorkers in black leather jackets and then got into heroin.
And then Sid died after Nancy was murdered by Not Him.
Listen.
I know that riff she didn't write, but listen to her play it.
Wait, is that rape?
See, she's punk.
You know that she first recorded this song with Steve Jones and Paul Cook of the Sex Pistols.
It's not even close to as good as this, but it's worth listening to because it has that Steve Jones song.
Have you got that version?
No, Ryan, I sent it to you separately.
Oh, dude, sober up.
Fuck.
It would be nice if it was in the notes or if you told me that.
Is it not in your emails?
Steve Jones and Paul Cook.
It's very bare bones.
Okay, it's coming up, folks.
Sorry about that technical difficulty.
How we doing?
Okay, moving along.
Drums sound like shit.
Sounds like a toy snare.
There they are hanging out.
There's Billy Idol.
Billy Idol and Joan Jett.
Whoa!
She was hot.
I ended up getting to fuck her.
Anyway, then there's also her cover, Crimson and Clover.
Again, another like 50s, 60s cover.
Look how cool she is.
The fox.
Crimson and Clover.
You know what?
I think on these shows like Top of the Pops, they weren't allowed to play their actual music.
So right now they're just lip-syncing and pretending to play instruments.
What do they do with the drum?
Oh, look.
I think they put felt on the drums so you don't hear anything.
Okay, so then we have, that's my kind of music.
I like rock and late 70s punk, but there's Ryan's kind of music where women dominate that too, like Melissa Etheridge.
Right?
You probably have this song memorized, right, Ryan?
No.
But when I sent Ryan these notes, he came over to my office, which is at the other end of the studio, and he leaned on my doorway and he goes, do you want to hear a song by Melissa Etheridge that really rocks?
And I go, yeah, I do.
And I guess it's like the way I do.
This is a slapper.
It's a slapper.
Women can't play guitar, huh?
Look at that.
She doesn't even look.
This is like a rocking hit.
Yeah, the band jumps in.
So even Ryan's kind of guys.
Or say you're a 1990s feminist like I was.
Ani DeFranco.
She, like, whatever you think of this particular broad, you gotta admit, the plucking.
Just so I wouldn't turn it up.
It's like Spanish guitar.
She had a pick on every finger, like claws.
Wait, what'd you do?
Go back.
She's about to get into it.
Or this, her big hit, both hands.
Both hands.
I need both hands.
Honor, don't close your eyes.
I am writing graffiti on your body.
I am writing the story of how hard we try.
Look at her go.
To see how long our swan song can last.
And both hands, now use both hands.
Oh no, don't close your eyes.
I am writing graffiti on your body.
I am drawing the story of how hard we try.
Ani and I dated for a while.
She's probably talking about our breakup.
And then, okay, some of this is corny.
A lot of baby monsters are like Joan Jett and then a bunch of shitty music.
Sleater Kinney are an incredible band, and I love watching them live.
I've seen them live a few times.
And funniest woman in The world, Carrie Brownstein.
I'll sit sometimes at their shows.
I saw them at South by Southwest once, and I was like five feet from the stage.
It was an outdoor show, and they were on the ground, so we were like in front of each other.
And I just stared at her fucking hands like she's Yingy Malmstein.
Now, this song isn't a great example of her guitar work, but you go to a Sleater Kinney show and just stare at Carrie's hands all the time, and she's just noodling away like she fucking knows how to play guitar.
I don't know this particular song.
Look how comfortable she is with her fucking axe.
Getting a little older, I think.
Like, she could be in dire straits.
And then finally, another example, chick who can rock, Linda Perry, four non-blondes.
I mean, most of us are not into pop, but you can't deny that this was a fucking slammer of a hit.
It's not really rock.
Is it rock?
Like, she just owns that guitar.
And the songwriting, too.
They say chicks can't write songs.
She wrote this.
It's called What's Up.
It's that What's Going On song.
But she also wrote Beautiful for Christina Aguilera, What Are You Waiting For for Gwen Stefani, and Get the Party Started by Pink.
All massive hits.
You know, she's...
Don't tell me that women can't rock because I've got this and a million other examples of chicks rocking on a guitar, writing songs, and basically being rock stars.
Yeah, they can rock, for sure, but you know they're all lesbians.
Perry, the other chick, Annie DeFranco.
So you think that women rock as hard as men, but the women that you picked are the closest to men.
They have the most testosterone.
And look at, like, I don't know if you...
She's got armpit hair.
Very lesbian.
Look at her chin.
It's basically a dude.
Joan Jeff, Melissa Etheridge, Joni Franco.
Carrie.
Melissa Etheridge is, I think, Mary.
Linda Perry.
Linda Perry, yeah.
No, all women who rock won't be false.
All right, let's jump right into the mailbag.
Yep.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Alrighty, then go down into the depths of the sea.
Raise the search bar.
Fake news by Maddie O'Bullshits.
I don't advocate that.
Maddie's a good friend.
Neither do I. The Indiana hero who killed the attempted mass shooter at the mall was not carrying it illegally.
Indiana is one of the 14 states with constitutional carry.
No permits needed to carry.
The mall has a no-gun policy, but it's not illegal.
Your readers count on the network for accuracy.
You're the only news some of us get.
That is too much of indecence.
Okay, so when a place says we do not allow guns in this mall and you walk in, you're not breaking the law.
You're just ignoring their stupid rule.
I did not know that.
Can we get a new drop of Linda doing that teehee laugh she's always doing?
I don't, did you catch it on film, Ryan?
Yes, I did.
I think it ended the episode.
I think right at the end, she throws an...
It was always like when I was talking about someone getting their head blown off.
She's got some dark humor.
Yeah, that's not humor.
That's just dark.
She's got dark.
Poopy-doopy-doo.
Cheap shot, 0.25 seconds in.
What's this now?
Oh, this is the massive brawl at Disneyland.
So there was a group of African-American people of color at Disneyland, and one of them stepped out of line to go get something, kept her friend there, wanted to come back and regain her spot.
And the other people of color decided, no, you don't deserve your spot.
You left the line.
And hilarity ensued.
But according to this guy, well, click on the link, Ryan.
That'll take us to the video.
So this is 0.25 seconds in.
That's pretty early.
I guess we missed the 0.25 seconds.
Can you make this much, much bigger?
Oh, there it is.
Yeah, I mean, Nick Mullen saying, how dare he make that stereotype?
I could get into a whole montage of black people behaving badly.
I mean, problem is that you get kind of racist after you watch it.
Nick Mullen, more like Nick Lovin.
And again, as Anthony likes to point out, it's never two people having a fight.
It's like six different fights with 15 different people.
You know, I recall a viral fight at Disneyland before, too, and some of the elements are similar.
Yeah.
Maybe the weather?
I can't really.
That's what it is.
Injustice.
What kind of pool table do you have at your house?
What kind of question is that?
A nice one.
A fancy one.
Fuck.
Linda is a vulnerable adult.
Gavin, please take this as a friendly nudge.
The whole Linda thing is a non-starter for many reasons, but most importantly, it's a matter of decency.
Please reconsider having her back on the show.
She doesn't need any further humiliation.
Not a good look for you.
Otherwise, keep on, keep it on.
Later, dude.
Uh-oh.
Someone's chastising me for my immorality.
Marty seems to know his drinks, so having bartenders, people send in super chats for him to make and or drink.
Let's put this in the suggestion box.
Maybe he can serve it to you guys.
Someone pays $100 for you to do three shots of peanut butter whiskey.
It's a win-win.
Okay, thanks for that.
We'll put that in.
Buddy, that was ours.
We will treat it with care, of course.
Gavin, can you please start quizzing Ryan on news and historical events?
I think it'll be funny to see the answers from a guy that does a news show four days a week.
Okay, Ryan, when was World War I?
World War I, I want to say it's before Prohibition, right?
Yes.
So I want to say 1917, somewhere around there, right?
1914.
And when did it go to?
I think it was maybe five years old.
I don't know.
And then when was World War II?
World War II?
That happened early 40s.
Well, you can consider America's entrance into it in the 40s, right?
But I think it was started in the late 30s, right?
And how many Russians died in World War II?
How many Russians?
A couple million?
Two million.
Two million, okay.
60 million, actually.
Wow.
That's a lot of Russians.
So here's someone else saying that no laws were broken.
This year they passed a constitutional carry law meaning you can carry concealed legally without permit or repercussions unless you have a prior existing felony.
Okay.
Just to make clear, we are not for arming everyone.
That being said, even if he was carrying concealed, it was 100% legal as of July 1st.
And this guy puts the percent sign on the wrong side of the 100.
Is that to fucking torture me?
Yeah, I think a lot of people do that now just to PUO.
Here's an important chart someone has sent us, putting the ass-man-boob man debate to rest.
So child seeking nourishment wants boobies.
Then as he gets older, healthy development, alpha seeking fertile wife, he sees a big ass and goes, damn, she could birth so many sons.
Stunted development equals beta man child stuck seeking nourishment, booba, booba, booba.
Well, I'm inclined to agree with that, but I'm obviously biased because I'm an ass man.
Yeah, me too, man.
Pound it.
Thanks.
Ryan, dude, your fucking mini Afro bangs in your fucking eyes.
That shit gotta go.
I don't know what a tween is, but that's what I think you look like with that haircut.
I can't believe I'm telling a man to wear a ponytail, but pull it back and do the ponytail thing at least.
Your Japanese-ness makes it look kind of cool, at least, like the samurai type look.
Or just get a fucking normal haircut for fuck's sakes.
Now, I totally agree that people like that aren't Japanese or aren't Asian can't pull it off, but it's a very Japanese look.
Look at Hideo Kajima.
I mean, that guy's great.
And he's got long hair like that.
And his hair's in his eyes?
Yep.
Well, then he's a retard.
And then, you know, if you look at Charles Bronson, great guy.
Look at this hair.
Very similar to mine.
No, it's not in his eyes, dude.
It is.
Literally.
No, it's literally not.
Well, mine's a little longer.
That's what makes me me, man.
Yeah, no, that's what makes it annoying that it's in your eyes.
Be annoyed.
It's America.
You're allowed to be annoyed.
I'm allowed to put my hair in my face.
Oh, I know I'm allowed to be annoyed.
You made me really good at it.
As a slingshot aficionado, I came across these and can't stop watching.
They don't pass out a lot, but they are as terrified as can be.
Apologies if you've covered it and I missed it.
Okay, I can't imagine a slingshot video I haven't seen.
Oh, this is a new one.
I love you too.
I love you too.
I don't suppose you propose.
Yeah, the message is done to that one.
Alright, you've got any last words?
Your audience.
We're going to lift you up.
Just push me.
Three, two, one.
Your audience.
Before you go up, I've got to ask you a question.
Is that something I've been mean to ask?
Will you marry me?
No, shove.
Should have kissed her until it pushed her off.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
I don't like that, by the way.
Yeah, no, that's not.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
And then extreme terror.
Like, that's not a good message.
I don't even like, I didn't get down on one knee.
I don't like the message that sense.
I stood tall.
I'm dominating this relationship.
Will you marry me?
And then, of course, when she said no, I started crying.
So that was a waste of time.
Those are gay and boring.
You want to go skydiving?
No.
What if we do it for the show?
Like, raise money for...
Yeah, why don't you do it for the show?
I would have fun with it, so that's probably why it won't be so fun.
Okay.
I've done it once.
It's crazy.
All right, last one: Drag Queen Story Hour.
What's up, boys?
I think you need to focus more on the loser parents that bring their kids to Drag Queen Story Hours.
We can all agree that Drag Queens are gay, but the parents that would support these story hours are turbo gay.
If no one ever attended these shit shows, they die a natural death.
Yeah, good point.
Okay, let's get to the final videos.
Let's start with 6-1.
I've always told people, like guys, when they go, I had to break up with her.
She's crazy.
I like crazy.
But one thing about crazy is your life is constantly in danger and she might stab you.
But the sex is awesome and it's never boring.
And yeah, a lot of plates get smashed.
A lot of clothes get thrown out the window.
If you are in a relationship with a crazy bitch, just make sure there's no sharp knives around and never go on the balcony, especially if she's plump.
If you go on a balcony with a plumper, it can turn out real bad, especially if the construction is in Moscow where they're not known for their details or their reliability.
That poor bench.
They're fine, by the way.
I wouldn't show you this if they weren't fine.
That's quite a fall, isn't it?
Ow.
That must be one of those things where when you're drunk, you don't get damaged.
Oh, shit.
So that was fun.
But I wanted to end the show today with a snuff film of a man dying in Israel because I'm a Nazi.
Oh, just kidding.
I wanted to end the show with this because you never know when you're going to go.
And you really got to treat every day like your last.
Get off your phone.
Now I'm like Chelsea Handler.
I'm talking to myself as I talk to you.
Get off your phone.
Enjoy this weekend.
Enjoy your kids.
Enjoy your girlfriend.
If you don't have kids, enjoy your last days without kids.
And go do something you can't do with kids.
Get away from that fucking TV.
Get away from Netflix.
Get away from your video games.
You've been blessed.
It's summertime.
It's white boy summer.
It's time to have fun because you could be gone tomorrow.
And if you haven't lived a full life, you've kind of betrayed God.
He gave you this gift of life.
And to squander it is blasphemous.
So just try.
Just try to get out there.
Just try something new.
Because this could happen to you.
This is a sinkhole opening up in a random pool.
And it killed a guy.
Now, I don't want you saying, Kevin, you said go out.
And this guy went out and he died.
Yes, that's part of life.
Risk is part of life.
You know what's not part of life?
Being alone with a martini and going through some paperwork.
Or getting stoned at home alone and watching 10 hours of storage wars.
That's sad.
Okay, roll the tape.
Look at this thing.
And it must just keep going.
Because it sucks all the water out of the pump.
Look, it's sucking so hard the toys are going down with it.
There's a man in there.
What a fucking nightmare way to die.
Cut the fucking music, DJ.
Geez.
Can't you throw him a rope?
And you're scared, dig, like, what are you going to do?
Look at people just wandering by.
Cut the net and put half the net in there.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Nobody?
It's weird how people are just sort of sitting on the edge like nothing's going on.
I'd be worried about it expanding.
Right, yeah.
Anyway, folks, I know that seems like a bummer way to end the show, but it's kind of a blessing because for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.
And for every death, there's a reminder to the rest of us that we're very lucky to be here.
So let's grab the bull by the horns this weekend, carpe diem, and try to have maximum fun.
All of these censors, all of these cancelers, all of this rhetoric about America being an evil, racist, sexist, transphobic hellhole, it's all designed to take away your fun.
And don't let them do that to you.
You're allowed to have exactly as much fun as you want to have.
So be adventurous this weekend.
I want to hear about it next week when we check in with you.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
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