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May 31, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
47:38
MEMORIAL DAY MAIL BAG 2
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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGuinness.
Can I have a taste of your ice cream?
Can I lift the crumbs from your table?
Can I interfere in your prices?
No, mind your own business.
No, mind your own business.
Can I have a taste of your ice cream?
No, can I leave the rum from your table?
No, can I interfere in your price?
No, mind your own business.
In loving memory.
No, mind your own business.
Of what?
I can't see it so good.
Alright, keep turning around.
I don't know where my fucking shit's at.
In loving memory of Jason Rivera and Wilbert Mora patrol officers, 2022, both killed in January of 2022, Blue Lives Matter.
God damn.
And it's the 32nd precinct.
Where's the 32nd precinct?
Is that the Bronx or Michelle or Yonkeys?
Where's the 32nd precinct?
That was Delta 5, a fun little punky band, not around anymore.
I think they're on Rough Trade, British Guys, very old school kind of art rock.
Fun stuff, thanks.
I heard that on KEXP, which is still my favorite radio station out of Seattle.
It's out of Seattle.
But John in the Morning has been ruined by affirmative action.
So it's currently getting woke and going broke.
John in the Morning is a super-duper liberal dude, but he's a white male.
So after George Floyd was fentanyled to death, they decided to get some random black loser who's a wigger.
I mean, he was born and raised in Seattle.
I don't know what's black about him.
And he plays shit like fucking Tribe Called Quest and like all of this 90s rap.
Like anyone gives a shit.
Anyway, it's one of my biggest pet peeves.
So Ryan was just watching an interview about the Proud Boys and some dude has been talking about us.
He says we're racist.
I'm racist.
Well, to be fair, I think he was going through all like what they say online about y'all.
Oh, he's talking about the assumptions about us.
Here's what I would say to someone new about the Proud Boys.
Everything you've heard is a lie.
And it's not just slightly bending the truth.
It is a complete, total, and utter fabrication with no links to reality whatsoever.
The group is Knights of Columbus, meets Animal House.
It's fun.
It's patriotic.
Yes, there's violence when violence presents itself like Antifa.
And what happens?
They go to jail for years and years for daring to question the DNC's paramilitary wing.
Here's two examples of how the Prowboys are perceived and how far it is from reality.
About four years ago, 2018 in Oakland, a young black girl named Nia Wilson and her friend was talking trash to a mental patient, a career criminal, homeless, fuckhead psycho who spent most of his life in prison.
And they was talking shit.
Maybe they bumped into him and he said, watch it, bitch.
And then they started screaming and then calling him a faggot or whatever.
And in prison culture, a little girl insults you, you're a bitch.
And you can't be a bitch or you die.
So because he's a mental patient, he sees that happening on the BART station and he stabs her to death.
Unfortunate.
Horrible.
Poor girl lost her life.
She had a bright future.
The narrative becomes, it was a proud boy who did it because she's a black woman.
Furthermore, this is the crazy part, they're meeting at a bar in Oakland to celebrate the murder.
That's how happy they are with their hard work killing her.
This guy who did it has zero to do with proud boys, but that was the story.
So then they held a huge rally to prevent this celebration.
And by the way, at that rally, a dude with an American flag shirt is wandering by.
They call him a proud boy and beat the living shit out of him while calling him a faggot.
How ironic.
That's what got us into this mess in the first place.
Second example.
Synagogue shooting.
Horrific.
Disturbing.
Where was that, Pittsburgh?
I believe so.
Proud boys, nothing at all to do with the shooting.
A guy who's a big cop supporter, Zach, he's also a proud boy.
He has these celebrations of the Constitution, and it's in downtown Philadelphia, which, like New York, it all revolves around this one park, right?
All the things are there, the museums and everything, the Ben Franklin ship.
And it's going to be there.
And they dress up as the founding fathers, and they wave the American flag.
It's kind of corny.
It's a boomer thing.
There's black people, white people all dressed as Ben Franklin, and they wave the American flag and say, God bless the Constitution.
The narrative becomes Proud Boys are celebrating, having a celebration to celebrate the synagogue shooting in front of the Jewish Memorial Museum, the Holocaust Museum in Philadelphia.
It's a quarter mile from there, the location, and everything is in that location, but they decide, yeah, a quarter mile is the same as in front, and that becomes the narrative.
That's what most people believe.
And the day of the boomer Constitution thing, the Jewish Memorial Museum puts out a tweet that says, we're open today.
Like, they're not going to shut us down.
The biggest super uber duper duper Nazis in the world would not celebrate a synagogue shooting.
If there was a synagogue shooting in 1943 in Berlin, Hitler would be pissed off at who did it.
And he'd say, that's really bad optics, guys.
What the fuck are you doing?
The Klan would not celebrate the murder of a black girl at a train station.
They'd go, we got to lay low.
That was fucked up.
So the perception of the Proud Boys goes way beyond the KKK and way beyond Hitler.
And no, I'm not Z-Guiling right now.
Have I been saying it wrong all these years?
Is it Seeg?
I think it's Seagile with an S. I've been saying Z-Gile my whole life.
I think it is Seagil.
That's what an un-Nazi I am.
I don't even know how to say it.
But who is that dude?
Show some of the video.
It's Hood Stocks.
I don't know the actual guy's name.
I think Lucky.
Maybe I'm retarded.
He looks like that Asian dude in Two Live Crew.
Oh, yeah.
Align with a lot of the beliefs that you felt.
Correct.
And not that you were a keyboard warrior like a lot of these political, some of these activists are on these social media platforms.
You've got to be careful who you get on your show representing the Prowboys.
I've seen it's guys that have been kicked out and shit.
Usually the ones that are happy to be on are feds or some other piece of bad news because they're going to get their business shut down.
So they have to either be in a super red state that doesn't give a shit how many phone calls they get or be independently wealthy.
Or they represent like an offshoot, like splinter group.
Well, those are all dead.
You mean like the alt knights?
Things like that, but even that.
That wasn't even real.
That lasted for like an hour.
There's like a big split between guys that think rallies, go into rallies is smart in public appearance and people that are clandestine.
Yeah, but that's not an offshoot.
That's just a civil war within the group.
There's the Make Proud Boys Clandestine Again movement.
Not a very catchy name for your movement.
Lee boots to ground.
Correct.
Correct.
Yeah.
But for the first few years, I really had no involvement with the club.
I was really just being there for my brother, who had started a chapter.
I just wanted to be there for him.
Supporting him.
I can't hear shit.
You believed what the Prowboys stood for.
Yeah.
So I got a little timeline that I wrote up right here.
I did a little research.
And like we talked beforehand, you know, I don't believe everything that comes out of the media, bro.
But this is, I did some research, and this is what I have come up with.
You know, so do you mind if we go down this road?
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Okay.
So the Proud Boys was founded in 2015 by a well-known racist media personality by the name of Gavin McGinnis.
Is that correct?
Now, if you could see the C there, why say McGinnis?
If you could see it.
I don't get it.
Yeah, I don't know.
Why is he nodding that I'm a racist if he's in the Proud Boys?
Well, I think he's nodding that because he's like, this is what I gathered from the...
He's like, yep, that sounds like about something that the internet was going to be.
If you're going to say something like that, you have to say at the beginning, you have to say, this is the media's perception.
They are saying, and then you say the thing, right?
You don't just go, Gavin is a racist, right?
Yep.
So the guy softly says no.
I believe so.
About the racist part, I cannot speak to that.
But Gavin McInnes did found, he is the founder of the Proud Boys, yeah.
Well, you just, I heard, I heard some of his rhetoric, bro, and it was pretty.
Was it?
It was pretty in your face, bro.
It was pretty blatant, you know?
Can you give me an example?
Were you talking about race?
Is that racist, or was it negative?
So the message I got from that is, I don't make any bones about my racism, and there's no questioning whether I'm a racist or not.
Well, they'd like to have you on the show.
I mean, overall, I think they ended off putting Proud Boys in a very positive light, but they still kind of have you as this like, well, that's the guy who started it, and we don't know what he's all about.
So the comments are surprisingly pro-Proud Boy.
They're like, wow, this really opened my eyes.
No, that's the thing about the club.
The comments, the average show on the street, when I walk down the street, I get high fives.
Right.
And when Proud Boys march, like when they marched on Long Island, that's a perfect example of what I'm about to say.
They march on Long Island, they're getting claps, police are escorting them, people are giving them high fives, people love them, people are honking their horns.
Then you check Twitter and it's all like, it has no home.
This is fucking terrible.
Yeah.
So the shrill minority is who defines it on the internet, but the average Joe on the street is in with the reality.
You know, there's one comment I got to say that was like, well, Antifa and the Proud Boys is the same thing, but Antifa is smart enough to cover their face.
Proud Boys want to be like a fraternity and be like, they do the same things, but they get the point of Antifa and be like, look what they're doing.
But that's not true.
I mean, no Proud Boys ever go to events and bully grandmas and grandpas or anybody for that instant, for that matter.
And sabotage stuff, deface property, intimidate people, harass people.
The only time they go to events is for security.
Like when Tiny got shot, he was there because he knew Antifa were going to harass these old boomers who were anti-vac.
And then look what happens when they're not there.
Boomers are attacked.
Yeah.
We've seen boomers attacked plenty of times.
Like recently, Antifa loves attacking middle-aged women.
Yeah, middle-aged is a big one.
I wonder why.
And I think I don't know why.
I was thinking, Hate has no home here got me thinking about my neighbors.
It put me in a bad mood.
Like my little nine-year-old is walking his dog and he sees those signs on people's lawns and he knows that it's against his family.
And he's an American Indian.
A nine-year-old American Indian is walking his dog and he's getting told to fuck off.
Like his ball rolled into one of their yards the other day.
And he made some joke and he came back with the ball.
Like, well, they said, hey, there's no home here and my ball had a home there or something like that.
You know what I should do?
I should just go to their doors and say, I'm just telling you now, you made Your point.
You made it clear my family's not wanted here.
But if you don't take down your sign, I'm having a Proud Boy's parade here.
And that's Freedom of Speaker.
And it's going to be all over the news.
And this will be Proud Boy Street.
Yeah.
And you might want to think of that next time you look into your real estate value.
Should I do that?
Probably not to lower yourself on their level, but part of me says they've already deemed you a monster.
Why not just beat like that?
Well, one thing you learned about these people is the worst thing you can do is say, hey, man, that's not true.
I'm a good guy.
And even if I'm a bad guy, why attack my family, my wife, and kids?
And my wife voted for Hillary and blah, blah, blah.
Now they feel even braver.
Yeah, that's not what you do.
No.
You have to fight fire with fire.
They like, they want you to suffer.
And that's the mark of like a guilty man.
Somebody's like, no, no, no.
But somebody who gets accused of something falsely, they're like, no, no, no, no.
Whoa.
It's aggressive.
They're like, fuck.
Yeah, I think I'll do that this Sunday when I know they're going to be home.
Or just accuse one.
And be super nice.
Like, hey, just thought you should know.
You made your point, but I've had enough of my little kid saying this when he walks his dog.
So if you don't take him down this week, I'm going to have a Prowboys parade on the street.
Dang.
That might.
I'll tell you how it goes.
It'd be good content for the show.
True.
That might not.
What could they do?
I mean, I guess a counter rally, and then it would be like a big thing.
That's a bigger thing.
They hate that their town is the Proud Boys town in their mind.
Like, people have moved.
Wow.
My wife's trainer was training this couple, and they go, did you know Gavin McKinnis of the Proud Boys lives here?
And she goes, yeah, I train his wife.
And they go, oh, my God, we're going to move.
Yeah.
Like, they'll be ostracized because they live in this town.
You know what you're like?
You're like the old neighbor guy with the shovel in Home Alone where they look outside and they see him.
And then they finally meet him and like, you know, that guy's really nice.
That guy's pretty cool.
But I'm not nice.
Oh.
Ain't no nice guy.
You should have baseballs that just write hate on them and then put them in their yards.
And then have your kids stand out there with a baseball bat like this.
Well, that's a good idea for a pussy to do.
Thanks for the pussy tips, Ryan.
Pussy tips by Ryan Catsy Rivera.
Hey, Gavin, this isn't an on-the-air type letter, but this conspiracy podcast I listened to.
Oh, we already read that.
So this is day two of me not being here.
I'm in Lake George celebrating Memorial Day weekend.
We're doing the mailbag for this show.
It's a special holiday treat, so you don't feel lonely.
This dude, Mike Patey, made tens of millions building a company that makes some specialized aviation equipment.
Now he just designs and fabricates crazy lightweight airplanes from scratch and documents it on YouTube.
That's pretty cool.
He's making planes.
It's going to be cool.
I've seen this guy before.
It's incredible what he designs.
And his knowledge of physics and aerodynamics is alarming.
Hey, trans men, are you ready to join him in his shop and help him make carbon fiber race engines?
Anyway, that's not something we can really get into on the show.
They're very long.
Beautiful videos.
It looks amazing.
Dear Fag.
Okay, that's...
Now what are they going to call me?
Homo.
Oh, okay.
And Maddie Odell.
Okay, there's...
I'm going to take Homo.
You can have Fag.
That's fine.
Homo implies it's a sexuality I'm born with, and I've kept it down, and I managed to maintain a marriage.
I want to take Homo because it could mean Homo sapien, which is a human being.
I already took Homo, you fag.
I'll take Maddie Odell.
No, you won't.
Don't quote me on that.
You just called Maddie O'Dell a fag.
No, I didn't.
You may have seen this on Laura Loomer's Getter, but in case you missed it, an article and report has been released detailing an alleged link between Steven Paddock, finally, ISIS, and Antifa.
I have now the opportunity to read it, blah, blah, blah.
Here it is in its entirety, as always.
I really appreciate the opportunity to get an interview for the possibility to quit my job and work for you as a researcher.
No, thank you.
Bombshell evidence prepared for a recently deceased Trump National Security Council official explicitly reports.
Wait, what happened to him?
Should have been a link there.
Did he die of natural causes?
Explicitly reports on multiple shooters carrying out the Las Vegas terrorist shooting of October 1st, 2017.
The report states that Steven Paddock did not actually commit suicide, but was executed by others, pointing to Antifa and ISIS involvement and FBI foreknowledge of the attack.
The report also provides evidence that an Antifa group claimed responsibility for the shooting with the message, one of our comrades from our Las Vegas branch has made these fascist Trump-supporting dogs pay.
What?
Huh.
The report also brought that Antifa...
That doesn't mean anything.
One of our comrades.
Antifa says comrade about anyone.
That's a fucking lame link.
I hope they're not relying on that.
The following report was prepared for Rich Higgins, who served the National Security Council.
Higgins died of complications at a hospital in 22 February.
More than 50-page report is entitled All Source Assessment, Attack on the Route Blah, blah, blah, and was prepared for Higgins shortly after he left the Security Council.
Port names an Australian man as a person of interest with possible ties to Islamic organizations and a possible Islamic state linkage.
Finally, we're getting some evidence there.
That's good to see.
Was re-watching conspiracy theory with Mel Gibson and thought this was pretty funny out of context.
There's also a lot of stuff in the movie that's actually very interesting to a modern audience.
It's also really shitty, but in an awesome way.
Like you more than a friend.
Do you want to show that, Ryan?
What is that one called?
Mel Gibson Video Drop.
It's the next email after the one we just showed.
Did you make it orange?
It's orange now, yes.
Okay.
And it goes away.
What do you mean it goes away?
Because I'm in the purple section.
Well, these are not purpled or anything.
That's why they call them day.
That was a waste of time.
Thank you, sir.
You're mentally ill, and we don't forgive you.
Password one was John Podesta's password.
That's where the emails came from.
Oh, that wasn't even a joke.
Oh.
Okay, now I get it.
That was actually funny now.
Really enjoying the hit new show, Burger's Fags.
It's hilarious.
The ripped guys.
I think we made that a little long, Ryan.
I agree.
My suggestion.
No, but instead of chopping it up and putting it in different spots, you tighten it up.
Like, you included 100% of our banter.
You should have maybe just done the penis jokes.
The Sam Hagar stuff was pretty good, too, because we also involved penis into there, too.
All right.
Black girls love the baby monsters.
Oh.
Let's see.
Okay.
Here we go.
There was some scariness in the kid also.
But the little baby monster looked kind of cute.
It looked like a cute.
But there was some scariness in the kid also.
And it ran so fast.
It ran.
I don't mean the baby monsters represent.
Thank you for joining.
Okay, from now on, I'm only doing purple ones.
This is a pile of shit.
Time-wasting garbage.
You ready?
Yeah.
Massachusetts physician must undergo implicit bias training.
See, this is what happens when I only read ones that I vetted first.
We don't get garbage like that.
Because doctors are naturally racist.
Did you know?
We all are.
Did you know that?
That you're racist?
How fucking crazy is that?
They make an argument and they win it without ever talking to us.
They just tell us that we're racist.
Science.
You don't get to say no, you're not.
Like, can you just call everyone a pedophile?
Look, it's a fact.
Everyone wants to fuck kids.
Stop fighting it.
It's systemic.
Now, what we can do moving forward is give you don't fuck kids bias training so you can learn not to grab their little butts.
Okay?
Let's start.
I'm going to need some funding, by the way.
I'm going to need lots of funding because children's lives matter.
You're a pedophile.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Just try to not grab dicks.
Implicit bias refers to beliefs and attitudes that an individual has, sometimes unconsciously, that influence actions toward people based on prejudices and stereotypes.
Like when you see a black guy with sickle cell anemia, you assume that it's because he's black.
So why fight nature?
What the fuck magic is this?
This guy has sent me this email about 10 times.
Dudes, often when I don't read your email, it's because it's not particularly interesting.
You don't need to resend it.
I have a serious juju magic to add to the list with sewing machines.
How in the fuck do chicks not fart, holy hell, every time they sit and pee?
It's impossible for men, and I want to know their secret magic.
I have pee sat before in the dark, at the middle of the night, when I didn't want to wake up my wife, and inevitably, I fart.
What I would posit to this person is the possibility that they farted a previous piss.
Women seem to piss like every 10 minutes.
So they already got their farts out.
G-Dog and Low-T, I was wondering if you guys saw this picture over the last weekend.
And it is a picture of rare monkeypox cases reported from the U.S. But they actually use the same picture as shingles.
Oh.
Huh.
Well, you didn't see.
I could not be less worried about monkeypox.
I'm worried about the reaction to quote-unquote monkeypox.
Yeah.
Well, I'm worried about my bar shutting down.
But as far as the way it affects us, I'm literally more scared of being struck by lightning.
And I think everyone agrees with me.
Why am I saying that?
There's 300 opioid deaths a day.
20 black men are murdered a day.
There are three cases out of 300 million.
Congressional candidate for squatting.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
This fucking fat cunt.
She looks like she's Antifa.
And she's decided housing for all.
Housing is a right.
Which is a very esoteric belief.
Is housing a right?
What is a right?
You should have the right to protect yourself.
But do you have the right to a free education?
Do you have the right to housing?
Do you have the right to health care?
I don't really understand.
I feel it.
We're on the edge of collapse.
The corporate home?
Yes, you have the right to education.
You have the right to educate yourself.
You should never be banned from books.
Right?
What about building a house?
Like, if you can't afford a house, then you're homeless.
Look at this weirdo.
She lived in her fucking car.
What a great inspiration you are.
That's like a high school girlfriend's friend who does art and is gross, and you're rooting for her to get laid, but it's just, it's not happening.
I did what they told me.
Coke, slewters, phone calls.
Nothing changed.
I'm still a fat pig.
Is that a big problem in your town?
People freezing to death?
Well, fuck that.
I'm guessing it's like one a year max, and they are severely mentally damaged who refused housing many times.
This is a made-up universe she just created.
She's Antifa.
We have Antifa running for office.
That's what it is.
We took action.
Rebecca, homeless people are mentally ill.
We have a mental illness problem in this country.
Gavman, the reasons conservatives don't cheat in elections is because if they do, they go to jail.
When Dems do it, they are protected.
Can you imagine if the parties were reversed?
That's a really good point.
I mean, look at Max and John.
17-second fight, four years.
Those same exact people.
Those same exact Antifa members have committed crimes and got away with it.
We found most of them.
And we gave the names to police.
They didn't give a fuck.
Here's someone asking sprinkles.
It's pretty good.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, what's up?
What's your name?
Rachel?
Rachel, nice to meet you.
I'm Diller.
Yeah, where are you from?
In Ohio?
That's crazy.
What?
I've never even heard of anybody from Ohio.
That's so crazy.
Have you ever been to Bungalow?
It's pretty sick here, right?
Yeah.
I remember my first time in Bungalow.
I was like, man, this is like a house party, but it's like way more vibey, you know what I mean?
And everybody here is like, hello, cool.
Like, it's a great place to just come and like network.
You know what I mean?
Build your brand.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I work for a branding agency right now.
It's a social media marketing company with very different influencers with different brands.
Help get them brand deals.
Help get them brand deals.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you on TikTok?
What's your brand?
Like, your niche?
I can probably get you a couple of brand deals if you want.
Yeah.
Oh, you do fuck.
You do finance?
What?
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
Well, I mean, it's not like crazy.
Like, 2023, you know, girls can do number two.
You know what I mean?
Not sure if you watch much of Donald Glover's show, Atlanta.
Yeah, I used to watch that show all the time.
It's really fucking good.
And beautiful.
Like, the cinematography in it is stunning.
It's one of the most high-quality shows I've ever seen.
I don't know why I stopped watching it.
The newest season just came out, and I'm struggling to pin down the underlying message of the fourth episode of the season.
Basically, the premise is that one black person sued a Tesla inventor for enslaving her ancestors, and it opens up this whole world of white people getting harassed and sued for the actions of their great-great-grandparents.
Throughout the episode, it's difficult to tell if Glover and team are lampooning the idea of restitution and racial reparations, if they're actually for it.
Glover's probably a wigger, and he's probably taken on black politics because he feels self-conscious about how white he is.
So I would say he's not lampooning anything.
Regardless, an interesting episode.
You know what I'm just thinking about, if there's reparations, you know who would get rich?
European designer brands.
Fendi, Gucci, Prada, Yves Laurent.
They would all, that's what rap is.
You know what rap is?
It's guilty, rich white kids giving guilty, rich white Europeans their money via black people who are paid the white money to write poems over beats, shitty poems.
So the white kid gives the shitty poet the money and he gives it to the white European designer brand.
You know how much money Future, you know the rapper Future?
You know how much money he spent on chicks last year?
$3 million.
You know what that was?
It was Gucci handbags, Dior handbags.
It all went right to the whites in Europe.
So you don't think white people belong here, they should go back to Europe, right?
So your solution to that is to get tons of money over to rich white Europeans.
Okay.
I guess I'll buy stock and the Gucci.
The second reparation starts, buy all the Gucci stock you can.
Gucci.
Two million bucks he spent on purses.
That's like...
Those purses are about five grand, I think.
That's several purses a day.
I guess he also bought them outfits and shit.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Two million.
That's six zeros, right?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Sorry, hold on.
Two, this calculator doesn't have commas.
One, two, three, four, five, six divided by three, six, five equals, yeah, 5,000 a day.
It's a purse a day.
So he got laid once a day, and he paid for it with purses.
It's not very cool.
It's not very badass.
I don't give a shit about bitches.
Hey, you're pretty.
If you suck my dick, I'll give you a purse.
Okay.
Thanks.
Here.
Bye.
An idea for a show.
A day dedicated to how cool Trump was.
There's so much gold from his debates.
Just candidly shitting on everyone.
That's true.
Yeah, that was supposed to be a joke, right?
That's a good idea.
We have Trump Day.
I'm going to come.
That's a great idea for a special.
Where are they coming from?
They're coming all over the place.
Look at that beautiful, beautiful bird.
Enough.
Done.
Fellas, while driving my wife's car today, I was browsing through her XM stations and came across one of the worst songs I've ever heard.
What do you all think?
Okay.
Pretty good so far.
You don't blur faces in a music video.
Thank God you blur their face.
Just in case somebody wants to locate them in shithole.
What they're going to sue you?
I'm taking you to court.
You owe me five mosquito burgers.
Shopkeeper, we only lose it.
Isn't it?
Is that going to stay there?
Yeah, that's gotta be burning your thigh.
Okay, I'm ready.
Start the song now, please.
Kill man, yeah.
I'm a pretty single.
Is there any like white kids like young that like look up to this and like I want to go there?
I want to live in Ghana and wear chains and stand around smoking in high school.
I'm fiving my friends bad.
Not interesting.
I want to wear a gun on my waist but drink and just stand around.
It's my dream.
Here's a funny meme called Gigi Heard.
It is one of the funniest memes I've ever seen.
I shit in Johnny Depp's bed.
You ate it right?
You ate it right?
Damn.
My wife watched every moment of that trial.
I'd hear it in the kitchen, like, all day.
Speaking of you ate it, right?
People don't think that you or me.
Somebody commented on the episode where we ate the burgers, and they were like, there's no way that these guys didn't eat for seven days.
I don't know how you explain the weight loss, though.
Like, you lost a couple pounds.
I lost.
I looked at the scale today.
I'm still losing weight.
Really?
How do you explain that?
Yeah, I'm at 169.80.
169.
Here's the thing.
We don't lie.
You're too stupid to lie.
I'm too old to lie.
I told you all the cheats I did, too.
I told you about I had a Guinness.
I ate a ravioli.
I ate a little thing of lettuce.
I think I had a starburst after a baseball game.
Like, I would do dumb shit like that throughout.
I had at least four beers a day.
I only lost, I think, three pounds.
Ryan had nothing but water.
He sworn his daughter's life.
Yep.
And my mom's and my grandparents.
And then when I brought in my dad's, you said that now questions the entire swearing.
Well, I was like swearing on your dad's life is like swearing on a bug's life.
Great movie.
Thank you.
So, yeah, that's such a dumb thing.
Maybe they don't get that we do gags and then we do real shit.
Like when I shot you on the show.
Right.
Remember?
That didn't happen.
I did not shoot him.
Right.
Or where we chased Joe Tonelli out and we found Ryan at a bakery.
That wasn't a lie.
That was a joke.
That was a sketch.
This is a production we run here.
Yeah.
Tim Poole's never been on the show.
That was not Tim Poole.
Or Jordan Lee Poolerson.
That was a comedy sketch.
But there's nothing funny about pretending that you're fasting.
In solidarity with prisoners that are your friends.
Yeah, in solidarity with your friends who are doing it because they're losing hope and there's already been a suicide in the prison.
Yeah, and then look up my fucking...
Well, you can't look up, but my whole history is just fasting, how to make that drink, how to fucking...
I'm going to keep fasting in my life.
What do you mean your history?
Yesterday after the burgers?
What history?
My YouTube history.
Yesterday after the burger?
Wait, you have...
I went to work.
Wait a minute.
You have a YouTube account?
I have a YouTube account, yeah.
And you've been posting videos?
No, but if you look at, like, I could show you my history right now.
You can look up other people's history?
No.
But if I showed you my history, it's all snake.
But wait, wait, you're talking about pieces of proof that show that you fasted, and you're talking about something only you can see.
That was a mistake.
But here's some of this.
Look at this.
Refeeding, refeeding, refeeding.
What to eat after refeeding.
Refeeding.
Okay, this is the first time you've presented this evidence, and it's the only way anyone could have seen it.
Yeah, I've never posted alibis.
I've posted my weight loss to be like, wow, look at this.
Posted where?
On my Instagram.
Okay.
Yeah.
Does your Instagram?
Instagram have a bunch of fasting stuff?
Anyway, but let me get to one point.
So yesterday I didn't eat after the burger.
I had one bowl of cereal and a date after my workout.
I'm going to just try to eat a lot less.
Oh, really?
I've been stuffing my fucking face.
It's tempting to do so, but we had shish kebabs and corn in the cob and we had tzatziki and hummus with pita.
I bet it sucked.
This morning I had that awesome Bronx thing with the bacon, egg, and cheese.
I'm fucking partying.
I wanted to play this while we were fasting.
Because you said this is one of the things that has a chameleon views.
This is the guy who fought in Creator Clash.
And this is what he did that you missed out on.
This was a huge happening.
Epic mealtime.
So they'll go to like McDonald's, get 30 burgers, and make a burger lasagna with bacon and Jack Daniels.
A cup of Big Mac sauce.
Who's that for?
100 people?
Just those four guys.
Is he a good cook?
Yeah, it all looks really good.
And then you and your friends try to concoct something big and retarded like that, and then it fails.
It's really big.
It's great, but I'd have to have not eaten for 12 hours, and I could only maybe handle it.
That's what I'm saying, like to show this during the fast, but I missed the opportunity.
Okay, these are not real episodes.
These are just fillers, so you don't fall out of love with us.
We're going to have to wrap it up soon.
Hey, gaze, please don't use my name.
Not because I give a shit if anyone knows I watch this show, but because this is very personal.
Okay, your name is a joke name, though, sir.
My younger half-brother thinks he's a girl and has been on hormone blockers for four years now.
He's 22.
What?
This is a problem.
It's been a source of conflict in the family ever since he told me and his parents, my mom and stepdad, when he was 15.
I've always tried to be kind, but also expressed my concern for his well-being.
That said, it has been mostly suppressed and is not a common topic in the family.
It's like nobody wants to touch it.
It all came to a head last February on his 21st birthday when we were having drinks and the topic came up.
It quickly blew up with years of pent-up emotions coming out in one explosive evening.
This could be a whole novel in itself, but the short version is we were yelling at each other, got kicked out of the bar, he and my mom crying on the street, ending with me drunkenly chasing my stepdad down the hallway of the hotel yelling, are you going to let your son cut off his dick?
I feel terrible about how I acted that night, and I've apologized many times, but it happened, and there is certainly plenty of blame to go around for that evening and the whole situation.
Since then, he's told me that he never wants to talk to me again because I cannot accept her identity.
I'm trying to be compassionate and supportive, but I refuse to go along with this madness as I believe it will destroy him.
At the end of the day, I strongly believe that honesty is the truest form of love and compassion.
What do I do?
Do I try to call him or reach out occasionally, salvage the relationship, or do I just let it go?
I know that he's not going to want anything to do with me if I'm not going to use the proper pronouns, names, but I also want to just completely don't want to just give up on our relationship and allow whatever's going to happen to happen.
Thanks for the time.
That's a tough one, man.
Because I always say, like, with Thanksgiving, with your family and your in-laws and your cousins, like, just swallow it.
Don't bring up Trump and don't argue and make a whole political thing.
You want to be true to yourself.
So if she starts talking about how much Trump sucks, that's dumb of her.
But you could go, well, could you give me an example and keep it light and interrogative?
That's key.
Like, don't most countries have borders?
Like, Mexico, they're pretty strict with their immigration and they ship all their illegals home.
Doesn't every country do that?
Oh, we should be the only ones that don't do that?
Oh, okay.
Seems weird.
That's how you should treat it.
In the interest of maintaining a family.
It's really important.
You don't want to lose your sister or brother over something dumb like which president they like best.
That's like sports almost.
No, it's not like sports.
But this is different.
This is someone who has chosen to become something they're not.
So outside of Trump, the person's still a person.
You know what I mean?
Like I have relatives that like Trump, and we just don't discuss Trump, and I can still see the rest of that person.
And they're funny, and they, you know, we talk about other stuff like my kids and stuff.
So I've maintained that person.
However, what this person has done is they've changed everything from top to bottom.
From their hat to their shoes is a woman now.
So what do I say?
Avoid pronouns, avoid talking about it?
But he's there in a dress.
Okay, he's just wearing a dress.
Like, I could be friends if Ryan became a punk rocker.
He's just got a silly outfit on.
Okay, so what do you do?
You use the wrong pronouns?
Okay, so now it's she.
Now you're talking to a guy in a dress and saying she, and the guy is affecting a higher voice than in his normal voice.
How much can you ignore?
Trump's just one guy.
Your gender is an entire person.
So you would have to sit there and pretend this person is a woman.
What are you getting out of it?
You know what I mean?
Like, say the guy's funny.
Let's say it's not your brother.
It's a funny guy you like hanging out with because he's funny.
Okay, I'll pretend that you're a woman because that's what you want, in exchange for all the laughs I'm getting.
But in this case, in this analogy, the guy's not funny anymore.
So you're like, why am I pretending?
Now, what you get out of it is it's your brother.
I don't know how long he's lived with this stepbrother.
Let's guess it's from like, usually you're around 11 or 12 when your parents get divorced.
So let's say it's about half his life.
So it's his brother.
I'd say, I don't want you to lose your brother, but in a way, your brother's gone.
He killed that guy.
Now, becoming gay, or coming out as gay, I should say, that doesn't change the person.
I mean, it's annoying when they do that fucking voice.
And that would piss me off if my brother all of a sudden started going, hey, you guys.
Because that's not how he talks.
So it would be like, he might as well be going, hey, guys, what's going on?
I'm European now.
What are you doing?
I'm Albanian.
Hey, you guys.
Why do you want to have pizza right now?
I fuck bitches.
Crazy bitch.
I fuck all kinds of bitches.
I go, what are you doing, dude?
You're not Albanian.
And you don't fuck any bitches.
So, in a way, if someone gives you an ultimatum like, see me as a woman, or we're not speaking, they're firing you.
Because not only is that a difference of opinion, the trans person is wrong.
The trans person is joining a crazy fad that's going on right now that Ricky Gervais just got in shit for mocking.
That women can have penises.
Women cannot have penises.
This isn't an opinion.
Trump being good or bad for America, that's an opinion.
And it involves a lot of mathematics and economics.
And I feel that I could prove objectively that Trump is better for the country.
But I understand people don't want to digest all those math biscuits and just hate them.
That's an opinion.
That men or women is not an opinion.
That's a dumb, crazy fad we're living in right now.
And if he says, you can't be with me anymore unless you join this fad, it's not a matter of using a pronoun or ignoring a dress.
This is someone becoming another person entirely.
So I guess I can't believe I'm saying this because it goes against one of my strongest tenets of this show, which is maintain the family at all costs.
Never get divorced.
Like Bruce Brinkstein says in Highway Trooper, a man who turns his back on his family, he ain't no good.
But you didn't turn your back on Him.
He turned his back on you.
He demanded that you join his fad, his cult.
I'm a Scientologist.
If you don't accept that, if you're not going to accept Scientology, you're dead to me.
What do you do?
You say, okay, bye.
So, buddy, you're fucked.
Your brother just left you.
Now, what I would do is I'd say I'd make it very clear that I don't see you as a woman.
I see you as my brother.
I always will.
I love you.
I'll be here if you ever come back to reality.
But you're on a path of destruction now.
And I can't enable that by pretending I believe it.
Why would you force me to believe?
You wouldn't force a Christian to be an atheist or an atheist to be a Christian.
So I feel like you forced this ultimatum on me.
And it's not even up to me now.
Because I can't change my belief of something that's not true.
Either believe in Santa or we're not brothers.
What do you do?
Well, that one's easy because you could just pretend you believe in Santa.
But I can't believe that you're Santa because you're not.
Anyway, folks, we'll be back in New York City tomorrow on Wednesday, back with old aunt, my auntie auntie.
And until then, I hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Can I have a taste of your ice cream?
Can I lick the crumbs from your table?
Can I interfere in your crisis?
No, mind your own business.
No, mind your own business.
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