All Episodes
Previous Next
Dec. 29, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:10:37
S04E69 - MERITOCRACY IN COMEDY
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Nine weeks old, some hides in a flipper.
Look in her eye like she might feel with a gold mana.
That's old Aesop Rock.
It's probably my age.
Back in the late 90s, there was some rappers, big with vice.
There was L.P., who's now in that band with the guy, Rock the Vines.
What's that called?
With the things with the hands.
Oh, Run the Jewels.
Run the Jewels.
Enrique Tario's really into them.
But he used to have a record label called Def Jucks, and Aesop Rock was on it.
I don't like the Bachelor.
He's in Portland.
Aesop Rock was a New Yorker, though, a Long Island kid, Polak or something.
He looks Chinese.
But we had a baby monster send that in.
I thought it was an interesting point.
Like, this whole thing with black people not thinking of new names.
Like, Steve McQueen stole his name from Steve McQueen, and the black director should call himself Stephen McQueen.
And Nick Cave is a black visual artist who, if his name actually is Nick Cave, he should change his name to Nicholas Cave, because there is a Nick Cave.
And then Aesop Rocky.
Like, Aesop Rock was around in the mid-90s.
He was a character in a movie called Aesop, and then he just added rock because it rhymed better.
And then Aesop Rocky comes along.
He changes it from Aesop to Aesop, and then adds a Y. That bothers me.
Unless you're in a cover band.
Anyway, here they are meeting.
I sent you this in a separate email.
Can you get me that printout?
Awesome.
Hip-hop moment.
Brother Ali, where's your friend go?
Brother Ali, the albino.
He's got to be the only albino rapper in the world, right?
ASAP Rocky.
ASAP Rock.
This is what's up, y'all.
No, I just wanted to get busy.
He's my age, ASAP Rocky.
The original.
ASAP Rocky, the original we have, man.
Thank you, Brother Ali.
A hip-hop moment created by you, sir.
Thank you, Rosenberg.
Of course.
Who is Brother Ali again?
Pull him up.
Is he a super serious scientific rapper?
Everyone was so serious about rap back then.
It's okay.
It was weird.
Greetings to all of you in the language of love, the universal language.
Beauty is the splendor of truth.
I wasted a lot of time listening to rap.
It's so gay.
So stupid.
It's like it's a musical art form based on your command of the English language, and people who do it don't read.
Isn't that weird?
That's like a sport, like soccer, but the people who play it don't run and are not in good shape.
This is Wednesday.
Usually we do compound censored, but again, it's leftovers week.
We're taking it easy with the family, celebrating the birth of Santa Claus, which is every December 25th.
We also celebrated Kwanzaa and Hanukkah, we celebrated a long time ago.
That was in November.
But I keep the Christmas lights up well into the new year.
What do you think of that?
Brilliant.
Brilliant.
That's a funny take.
Your wife was asking me what days you get off in the summer.
Oh.
Yeah, she wants to go to Disney.
I don't know what days we get off.
Disneyland?
Yeah.
With a little baby.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why?
Well, they have no memory.
Oh, it's not about that.
I mean, they have fun in the moment.
No, they don't.
Whatever.
Why would your baby have fun in Disneyland?
She'd have as much fun in a parking lot.
We want to go to Disney.
So, who holds the baby when you go on the rides?
We could all turn it.
I'll probably hold the baby.
I mean, it's really for her because I got to go to Disney with my buddy.
And she didn't.
I remember making fun of you for that.
That's right.
That was gay, but at least that was too.
And you didn't get wasted or anything for that, right?
No, I didn't.
I was basically a sober person, but then, like, the resort, I hung out at the bar, made friends.
I had like a little community of buddies that we would just hang out.
They were all MAGA.
I went there with my MAGA hat, and then as soon as I did the Trump oppression, it was like everybody's favorite guy.
We were fucking just hanging out.
And were they your age?
I almost fought a DJ.
Yeah, they were my age, a little older.
Then there was a little group, Apache kids that were like relatives of the ones my age.
They were a little younger, but they were still able to drink.
Still drinking age, but like college-y kids.
Were any of them there with kids?
Maybe, but they weren't there.
This was like late, like 11 and on.
So maybe they were in the.
I mean, I don't mind if dads take dirt.
I don't know, let's say six, seven, eight-year-olds there.
Right.
And then they want to get a drink later.
I don't approve of adults going there.
In fact, that kind of started the Proud Boys because Ben Ratner went to Disneyland and fucked zero amounts of pussy, even though he went with girls.
That's weird.
Yeah, it's a Magic Kingdom.
Why are you grabbing orange juice in the middle of a conversation?
What happened?
Did you hork something up?
My throat's been a little weird.
Maybe you got the Omni.
Maybe you have OmniCrom.
You feel like you have a little hair of ham.
That's right.
Everything else is, I feel fine, and I have a little diarrhea.
Does your diarrhea smell like steel?
I don't know.
I had diarrhea too.
It didn't smell like poo, though.
It just smelled like cobalt or something from the periodic table of the elements.
A tungsten, maybe.
A tungsten.
Yeah, shit.
I don't know.
Yeah.
No, I haven't had that.
It smells like Freddy Mercury, like AIDS and Talent.
But that's the name of the episode, AIDS and Talent.
That should be the name of the Queen movie.
That would be so ballsy if they did that.
Yeah.
But I almost thought it.
I didn't ever tell you that?
No.
There was a DJ there.
It was a Puerto Rican guy.
I know a Puerto Rican from a mile away.
Tacky hat, you know, like...
Like a fedora thing?
No, it's like a...
I don't want to say it was bedazzled or bejeweled, but it was like a loud hat crisp with the fucking thing on it.
So like a black guy's hat, but on a wedding.
By the way, hat.
That could be a sombrero, a fedora, a beanie.
Baseball cap.
Ah, okay.
Like a Bronxy type hat.
A bedazzled baseball cap.
He's like a Bronx.
He's an affliction baseball hat.
Basically.
Wings and shit.
Basically.
And so, you know, like leather jacket.
That's the kind of thing your Puerto Rican grandma gets you because she appreciates the craftsmanship.
And she's like, look at this.
He's like, oh, there's so many steep.
He's very hard to do these kind of stitching.
Yeah, yeah.
So he was the whole night we would, like the bartender and us, we would be like, hey, put on this country song.
Put on this country song.
That was like our first two nights.
And then the third night, this Puerto Rican guy's there.
He hijacks the auxiliary chord.
So he's just playing stuff.
And it's all hip-hop.
It's like in the club.
It's like, you know, early aughts hip-hop.
And we go up and be like, dude, can you play fucking this song?
It's pretty good.
And it's like in the vein of hip-hop still.
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll play that.
And I was like, okay, so this guy's a DJ.
Wait, there's a DJ, and then there's this guy who stole the ox.
There is no DJ.
There was a bartender that we would request songs to, but the third night, there's just a guy.
We thought he was a DJ.
Just a guy who borrowed the auxiliary cord to DJ for us.
But we had like a family there.
That's like at my gym where this dude puts on his own trap music.
It's him rapping.
Like, what are you doing?
And so I even, we were playing along with...
Alright, he's the DJ for the night.
It's just a guy with a fucking cord.
And he doesn't play anybody's requests.
I was like, yeah, I requested this thing a while ago.
He was like, dude, I requested a fucking thing a while ago, too.
I was like, I'm going to go up and talk to him.
I'm drunk.
You know, and this is pretty rare.
And I go up to him.
I'm like, dude, I asked you to play a song.
These people are saying they wanted you to play.
The past two nights, we've just been like partying here.
And then you come here, change the vibe, and you like completely Bogart this auxiliary chord.
Can you just play our songs?
And he's like, you know what?
You know what?
I'll just leave.
Just a little bit of confrontation.
He's like, I'll just leave.
I'll take my iPad with me.
Like, nobody gives a fuck about your iPad.
Take your ball home.
Good.
Yeah.
And nice threat, by the way.
Oh, I'm getting your nerves, and you don't get any more of me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you don't like the smell of my fart?
Okay, then I'm not farting anymore.
He was doing a thing where, like, he was telling on me kind of, he was like, this guy wants me to go, so I guess I'll go.
Please stay.
Please stay.
Please stay.
Yeah.
That's not a very good chant.
The guy was.
Yeah.
Hell, no, do not go.
Hell, no, do not go.
Fuck Ryan.
He's a dick.
Yeah, yeah, basically.
That's what he did.
So then what happened?
He left, but, you know, we were like, oh, now you're going to like Steve.
I was like, dude.
Well, no, I was getting aggressive.
But here's the thing, because he did something to me that was like, he punked me out in some sort of way.
Like, yeah, I'll play you shit.
Something tough guy, right?
And then I just, like, was waiting for a bit.
And then everybody, then that's when I learned everybody had had their request shot down.
So I was like, I'm going to go talk to him.
And I went there with the aggression of this guy already tried to punk me out.
And then immediately he was like, I'll just leave.
What was he doing?
Was he sitting talking to his date or anything?
Dude, he was alone.
Alone?
Dressed up like for the club, basically.
He had like a nice leather jacket thing on, the fucking hat, like all trimmed up, Puerto Rican-faced.
Just sitting in the corner, not talking to anybody.
Did he have a drink?
I think he had a drink.
How much were the drinks?
Were they really expensive?
No, they would hook us up like a lot.
Like these guys behind the bar.
Really cool.
And that's the thing.
He like ruined the whole...
It was just country music and now he's playing shit loud and it's just up in the club by 50 cents.
Just like horseshit throwback music.
You know I had to do it to him.
We got to make sure that heating doesn't come on again.
There's no way it's not totally dominating my microphone.
It sounds ridiculous.
And it's not like it's AC and we're going to die without it.
All right.
Day three of the leftovs.
I hope you're organizing these correctly too.
Because I keep talking about, you know, yesterday and everything.
I think we should just start the show.
We had that intro.
That made me hate you less, actually.
I guess I don't mind if you're partying and then you're going on rides and stuff.
Yeah.
If you're drunk, that's just like water skiing.
And I paid homage to my great-grandfather, who was the guy who took me to, him and my nana, took me to Disney, and I dressed like him.
Nana?
My nana and grandpa.
My great-grandparents.
They took me to...
You wore one of those Filipino shirts with the stripes?
No, he's a Greek guy that married a Puerto Rican woman, so he wore nice combed hair and a Nice vacation button-up and slacks and loafers.
Okay, you got to learn how to describe things.
This is the problem with not reading.
He had on a hat, he had on like a nice shirt.
What is it short-sleeved?
He dressed like a gentleman, like a 1950s guy, like where they were.
Is that a short-sleeve dress shirt?
Business casual.
Yeah, short sleeve dress.
That's way too general.
A short-sleeved dress shirt.
Was it just white?
Like a normal white?
Like baby blue?
Sometimes white.
Sometimes, yeah, yeah.
Hey, mostly baby blue.
So I dressed like him.
So I was LARPing as an adult going to Disney.
Let's start the show.
Let's start the show.
Can I fix the keying on that?
What's the keying?
That's pretty bad.
Yeah.
So we're going to do this.
Don't do it in post.
No, no, no.
You got to do it here.
That show could probably lose the Biden at the end.
There we go.
Look at this.
Now it's perfect.
Joy, keep your eyes.
By Omnicron.
I had plenty of coffee.
Let's jump right into feminism, shall we?
We've got some fun stuff here.
Feminism.
This was from a...
So the intro was from a baby monster.
And this Iranian comedian is from a baby monster.
I've never heard of her before.
She calls herself an Iranian Muslim feminist.
Okay, first of all, you're not Iranian anymore.
You were Persian.
Then there was the revolution in 79.
I presume you're older than, I mean, you're younger than 43, whatever it is.
So you weren't even born in Iran.
That country's been ruined by Muslims, ironically.
So you'd think if you came from Iran, you'd be kind of anti-Muslim.
They wrecked your fucking town.
But they like it because it sounds black and weird and exotic.
And for the record, when they call themselves Persian, it means they support pre-revolution.
When they call themselves Iranian, it means post-revolution.
Very few people use Iranian who know what the fuck they're talking about because it's ruined.
Secondly, you can't be a Muslim and a feminist.
Sorry.
By the very nature, women are second-class citizens.
Well, they wear the burqa because they're preserving their sexuality.
Okay, then try not wearing it.
See how that works out for you.
It's a rule.
You have to wear it.
That's not free.
And when a man's testimony in court is worth twice that of a woman's, she's literally a second-class citizen.
So you're wrong.
And thirdly, she's not funny.
So I'm a Muslim feminist comedian.
I'm not Muslim.
I'm not a feminist.
And I'm not a comedian.
Wait a minute.
Four things.
And I'm not Iranian.
She got all four things wrong.
Let's check her out.
By the way, go to the beginning, and then we'll jump to that.
My name is Zara.
I am a feminist, Muslim, Iranian-American comedian.
Thank you!
Oh shit.
Remember that time when a Muslim feminist comedian came out and everyone went, well, well, well, look you here, boys.
Now try getting up on stage and saying, hi, I'm a white male heterosexual middle class Catholic comedian and I support Donald Trump.
See how that works out for you.
Well, first of all, you never would have made it to the stage.
Like even I saw Bert Kreischer was promoting Louis C.K.'s new standout special, which is a work of art.
We're going to dedicate a whole show to it.
It's so good.
And then people were reacting to him saying, good, I'm glad other comedians are promoting this show so we know who to stop following.
So now you can't like Louis C.K. We won't follow a comedian who supports Louis C.K. Why?
Because Louis C.K. consensually jerked off in front of a woman once or twice.
I mean, I don't think it's very cool.
It's not my cup of tea.
Although, at the end of a session, if you're not using a condom and you don't want her to get pregnant, doesn't everyone, at least briefly, beat off in front of a woman?
I mean, that's how you make a pearl necklace.
Right?
You clearly didn't do it nine months ago.
I did it before.
Yeah.
And then I said, you know what, after this crap.
That was all it was, too.
And they go, well, he was taking advantage of the fact that he's famous, but he wasn't famous.
He was a nobody back then.
So gay.
All right, go ahead.
I say I'm Iranian.
People get scared by this.
I like to have fun with it.
I like to sit in the front row of nuclear physics classes.
Excuse me, Professor.
This plutonium.
Can you find that on like the Craigslist?
Excuse me, Professor.
When are we going to make a nuclear bomb?
Wait, she just did her joke twice and ruined it the second time.
I ask about plutonium.
I indicate that I might be building a bomb.
And then the next joke is, hey, I want to build a nuclear bomb.
Yeah, we got that from the plutonium joke.
Yeesh.
Boo.
This reeks.
Good thing they canceled Louis C.K. I get a lot of questions about who I am.
This guy came up to me at a Whole Foods.
At a Whole Foods.
At a Whole Foods.
Where in the lying I'm going to go.
And he goes, what's a Persian?
What's an Iranian?
What is that?
Why do you have two things?
I'm just one thing.
I'm just an asshole.
This happened in Whole Foods.
And then right after that, he was like, what's a spring onion?
What's a scallion?
I don't understand.
One of them's exotic.
The other one just says what it is.
Why two names?
I'm confused.
Everyone is against me.
What's a shallot?
Can I trust the CIA?
And then he ran for president.
Oh.
We knew where that was going.
That's...
Oh.
The first thing I thought when she said that is: how did he know that you used that you were Iranian or Persian or anything when he bumped into you in the lying aisle at Whole Foods?
Like, there's zero plausibility in her things.
And I know she's supposed to be a made-up thing, but I can't do President jokes.
I know.
Every time I do them, either people are like, no, don't bring him into the space.
Same.
Hold on, are you catching this?
This is obviously when Trump was president.
She can't say his name, so she goes, I can't do President jokes.
You can't do jokes, I've noticed, but go ahead.
Or I get other people who are like, you know, it really is a great opportunity for you.
As a Muslim, Iranian, comedian.
It's just my dad.
That was okay.
I can't do those jokes.
I can't because I can't say his name.
Every time I try, like, who's writing a joke about President?
My mouth stops working.
Just, I wish your mouth stopped working now.
Yeah.
And by the way, you're trying to make jokes about him right now, and your mouth's going a mile a minute, so that's not true.
I don't want to see him.
I want to hear him.
All I hear is, ugh.
Here I am, President.
This is what a white man can do.
Uh, uh, uh, just jizz on the walls of the White House in the world.
This is what a white man can do.
Just jizz on the walls of the White House of the world.
Isn't that Bill Clinton?
You're thinking of?
Yeah, you got the wrong guy.
Bill Clinton literally jizzed in the White House.
Yeah.
Antarctica.
Uh-uh.
I do this vision work when I see him.
I imagine these winged, fangid vaginas.
Just flying through the air.
Winged faggot, did you say?
Winged thinged?
I imagine these winged, fangid vaginas.
I don't know what that word is.
Iranian, maybe?
Just flying through the air.
Not just one, like a flock.
Just that's more plausible than the whole food story.
While he's just a catch tweet.
Then they soar down, just and they swallow him a whole...
And they take him away to a nest of baby winged fanged vaginas.
Fanged.
Winged, fangid.
They have fangs.
Vagina dentia, I believe it's called.
And they're like, and then they consume him with their baby fanged teeth.
They say you have to fully imagine the world you want to live in to make it real.
All right, that's enough.
Man, talk about yawning.
That was brutal.
That reminds me of the who's Hellboy again?
Roy Orbison, what's his name?
He was also in Beauty and the Beast.
He's also in that monster thing.
Roy Perlman.
Ron Perlman.
That reminds me of the bit David Cross said where he goes, I wish Ron Perlman ran for office.
And then the first day of the debates, he just gets out there and he just, with his big, huge fist.
Like, you think of our guys that we want people to, we fantasize about having people beat up by?
It's like Conor McGregor.
You know, people who can fight.
But Ron Perlman is your guy?
Isn't he like 75 years old?
He's a softy actor Jewish man.
How old is I'm going to look up Ron Perlman?
Who plays tough guys?
Sort of.
Guy, a real, you know, somebody who's very vocally anti-Trump, you know, somebody who, and again, an honest son of a bitch, tough motherfucker.
And I'm suggesting Ron Perlman.
All right?
He's 71.
So Ron Perlman is the candidate for president of the United States.
And he, you know, because we all learned in school, like through movies and TV shows and books, how to deal with a bully.
We understand how to deal with a bully, and that's what Trump is.
So we get this fucking badass motherfucker, tough guy, Ron Perlman.
He runs for president.
And then his vice presidential pick is the person we really want to be president, you know, whoever that is, whether it's, you know, Warren or Sanders or Harris or Booker, whoever the fuck it is.
So, but.
Warren or Sanders or Harris.
Look at that pussy lineup.
Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders.
Yikes.
So this is like, what's the, the hatred for Trump is weird.
You mentioned Booker, too.
It's daddy issues, and David has brutal daddy issues.
His father totally abandoned him and was a con man.
And then I think it's also the nerds were the victims, 80s.
And then in the 90s, they had indie rock shoegaze stuff, square pegs, pavement, and all of a sudden nerds were cool.
And the nerds dominated for most of the 90s.
Grunge was a blow, though, I would say.
But grunge guys, like Kurt Cobain still wore a woman's cardigan.
They weren't going to beat up nerds.
In fact, you could argue Grunge was like the high T of the nerds.
Right?
Look at Nirvana.
They're all still fatherless baby men.
They're just like the raunchiest, toughest of the group.
Like Kurt Cobain could beat up Patton Oswald.
He just Never would.
And I think the nerds got comfortable with the power.
We rock.
I mean, Patton Oswald, speaking of, was pretty pro First Amendment.
Not a right-wing dude, but he was against cancel culture and he was sane.
I spoke to him all the time.
He helped me write my book.
Great.
He was a great guy.
Then Trump came along, and all of a sudden he goes completely off the reservation.
I fucking hate him.
Fuck anyone who likes him, too.
Cancel them all.
They become social justice warriors.
And then, of course, they get canceled.
Like, Patton Oswald got away with promoting prescription drugs, the abuse of prescription drugs, and then his wife dies of that.
I don't know how you dodge that bullet.
But David got in big shit for being a racist, for saying to some Asian actress, oh, Ching Chong Chinaman.
Oh, you're going to fucking kung fu me?
Which I have a sneaking suspicion I said, and she misremembers it.
Charlene Yi.
But anyway, like that Iranian woman, what's she really scared of?
Trump?
No, she's scared of us going back to the days where the losers aren't in control.
And I think what happened is the losers, they started out gaining, you know, a wedgie free life where they're not going to be hanging by their underwear from a basketball net, which is fair.
But then they kept going up and up and up.
And now they were in charge.
And then what do they do?
Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts, absolutely.
The next thing you know, Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City starts saying, no, if you're male, you cannot play a female unless you identify as trans.
All these weird rules for comedy.
And then they start demanding more black women in SNL, which is how we got Leslie Jones and other incompetent boobs, literally boobies.
And so Trump comes along and he doesn't say, I'm going to wedgie you.
That hasn't been an option since the 80s.
He says, we're getting back to meritocracy, though.
And I'm not saying anchor baby.
And we're not worried about the race and the gender of people on SNL.
It's just if they're funny or not.
So we're actually scrapping your whole new system, your whole new multicultural pizza pie, multi-pronouns, extra bathrooms.
We're not doing that.
And I'm not mad at you.
I don't hate you.
It's just bullshit.
And so they go blind with rage.
And what do they do?
They want vaginas with fangs to eat them.
And a 71-year-old man who, you know, what is Trump?
He's like 75.
It could probably be a good fight.
Where do we get the impression that Ron's this excellent fighter?
They both get pretty winded pretty fast.
I'm not sure they have the cardio to pull off a match.
It just ceases to be logical.
Now, then let's look at the canceled, like Louis C.K., who was sort of part of the nerd war, but not really.
And then that's the other thing about the nerds, too, when they got absolute power.
They would throw their enemies under the bus, not their enemies, their peers, their friends under the bus like that.
Let's see if you can dig up any teaser for his new special.
And you'll see the impetus of my rage.
It's not daddy issues.
It's not wedging.
It's not losing control.
It's the death of meritocracy.
You saw David do a pathetic rendition of a Jew with big hands beating up his least favorite president.
Then you saw the Iranian and her fucking Whole Foods shit, right?
That was shit, right?
Focus more on the Iranian.
No, no, don't, actually.
Because David and Louie have the exact same background.
They both came up in Boston.
But now look at someone who's there for merit.
Greatest song ever.
Are you picturing it?
It's good.
It's really good.
Nobody gets pregnant.
It's a lot of fun.
Well, this isn't a segment.
And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just deliberate.
Is that a clip?
I want like a one bit.
I was watching YouTube today.
I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video.
I don't skip those.
I think that's rude.
It is.
It's mean.
Somebody worked hard on that ad.
They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee.
And you're at home like, three, two, one, fuck off.
I tried to retell this joke to my kids and I bombed.
It's hard.
Anyway, the ad was a PSA.
It was an anti-smoking message.
It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat.
He was like,
if you miss the moon, you shouldn't have an accent.
Is the machine having to port the weekend?
Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy?
Does he fork with an accent?
Signor.
Signor.
Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie.
But wait a minute.
Scene doing all this.
But why does...
Because you think of an accent, what are you doing?
Like, every time you try to explain accents, like when Joe was here and you're telling him how to do Tony Soprano, it's all about the air and it's all up here, right?
It's very difficult situation.
Look at this.
Look at the difficult situation.
Or in Scotland, they talk about Sham Gabbitt.
Hey, see, you people, hang it's too good for you, Spider-We that big man.
That's all your face.
Sham Gabbott means you're so Scottish.
Guy Scots, as they say.
Guy means a lot.
That it alters the shape of your face.
This isn't your face.
And I'm asking Ryan to help me here, but that's like asking a hippopotamus to join your basketball team.
Well, the air.
It's like the percussiveness and the sh the way you talk is a lot of the air, right?
Not just the way you articulate it with the mouth.
But the microphone's here.
Right, but I still sound the way I do.
Like, if my microphone's here.
But if I sounded the way I do, like this, like the vibrations in the air still was British.
But then the mic would be here.
The thing that makes the British thing is up north of there.
It's up here.
Anyway, you're not helping Hippo.
Put down the basketball.
Let's hear the rest of it.
So he talks about goodwill hunting now.
Quality.
Every time I see it, it makes me angry.
See, stop what I was looking for.
I'm just going to ruin this because, you know, you could look at this on your own.
Good art takes a thing that you see every day and it goes, this is stupid.
Or this is awesome.
Or I want you to see this in a new way you've never seen before.
Something really obvious.
Like Jerry Seinfeld, I mean, I'm not a fan, but he goes, I got to hand it to the Asians.
Stick him with those chopsticks, those clearly inferior things.
And that's something you see all the time.
You see chopsticks every day.
And you don't really go, yeah, what are you doing, dude?
Stop.
They're not different.
They suck.
I've seen when you have a big bowl, you have to go like this and sort of like, you're just using sticks.
We have a spoon for the soupy stuff, a fork.
We can cut it with a knife.
We have a nice soft knife for butter.
We've got a big serrated knife for steak.
You need a toolkit for the variety of food.
I hadn't thought of that.
So you took something like chopsticks and you showed me something I hadn't thought of.
Goodwill hunting.
My wife told me the other day, she goes, I watched that movie.
I liked it when it came out, and I wanted to show our daughter.
And I started showing it to her, and I was like, this is idiotic.
She goes, neither of us could make it through it.
Stupid.
Drop it.
Okay, so go back to him.
What's this?
Okay, go back to him.
On YouTube.
And it's a movie I like.
I actually like the movie.
It's called Goodwill Hunting.
Remember Goodwill Hunting?
Of course, right?
Matt Damon played a great performance.
He plays a very complicated young man wearing a tight t-shirt for a whole movie.
And here's the thing.
Here's my issue with Goodwill Hunting.
Matt Damon also wrote the movie, okay?
So he basically sat down and he's like, first of all, I am amazing.
I'm a construction worker.
I'm like working class.
And I drink beer and I get in fights.
I get in so many fights.
My friends are like, you're out of control, man.
And I'm like, shut up.
This is the way I am.
But then also, I'm a genius.
I didn't even go to school.
I just know things.
I don't know why.
I just know them.
And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, he's so much smarter than us.
It's making us upset.
It's insane.
It's fucking insane.
It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy.
So the scene I was looking for, it's the worst example of that in the movie.
Here's what happens.
He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her and another guy likes her too, but she picks Matt Damon.
Because he wrote the fucking movie, because he decided, you understand?
She doesn't like him.
She likes me.
You better believe it.
So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant.
He decides to taunt him.
So he goes over, he tells his friends, hey, come here, watch this.
And he says to the guy, hey, do you like apples?
And the guy says, yes.
And Matt Damon goes, well, I got a number.
How do you like them apples?
And all Matt Damon's friends go, this was amazing.
You were ready with that.
How?
You know how he did it?
He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?
He made everybody say all the things.
Anyway, it goes on and on.
He talks about...
Like, just don't say you like apples.
You can tell the guy's setting you up to fuck with you.
And then he's like, well, do you like bananas?
And then you go, it's kind of bananas how I got her number.
See, I'm already fucking up.
The reason.
Read a children's storybook or sing a lullaby.
I wish I had.
The only voice my grandson's ever heard is this one.
Oh, I got an idea.
Reflection's still there.
Yeah.
No, again, Hippo's wrong.
The guy didn't have a Puerto Rican accent.
He made that up.
He made that up.
He saw, for a split second, when he was hearing that, it was from a Puerto Rican.
So you see, like, the little mustache and the hat and the fucking Lin Manuel Miranda Chico Gonzalez shit.
And you go, oh, that's a Puerto Rican accent.
And then if you listen close, you realize, no, it isn't.
But when he made that mistake, he said to himself, that would be kind of funny if he did because it wouldn't make sense because of the things down here.
And then he made the whole bid around that.
Genius.
Bam.
And everyone, just like his brain heard a Puerto Rican accent when he first heard the, everyone in the audience, including you and I, by the way, went, oh yeah, they do do that.
I've heard that too when we haven't.
Unlike the whole foods where we go, what?
This guy does have an accent.
No, he doesn't.
Listen.
He's got an ass.
Are you going to go?
Wait, no, I'm wrong again.
No, no, That is true.
I'm wrong again.
Louie, how old is this joke?
Yeah, yeah.
2013?
Well, yeah.
I took a time machine to do this special.
I was wrong.
There is an accent.
Louis C.K. make fun of me.
Now we're back to Confused again.
Yep.
Alright, I refuse to tolerate that heat.
Talk for a second, Ryan.
Okay.
So yeah, and then I'm seeing, I don't know if Opie and Anthony was in, if Louis was in this one, but Opie and Anthony covered this smoking commercial.
So this thing's been around for a while.
So I wonder if he's been rolling that bit around in his head for that long.
Maybe this is him practicing avoiding a joke that's too soon.
He says, you know, that doesn't really happen anymore.
Wow, you really know how to tank a show in a matter of seconds.
I did podcast pacing.
Go to 12B just to jump back to that Iranian chick.
The guy sent us a few.
Oh, gang.
What you got there for us, honey?
Workshop to beat the blues.
The morning comedy workshop to beat the blues.
And all that dissociation.
Join me here on IG Live at 10 a.m.
California time for games, drills, tips, and joke writing hacks from celebrity guests.
That'll boost your mood.
Yeah, really.
That's nice.
People.
And get you writing.
Writing.
And it's only 30 minutes.
Oh, I'm naked.
Listen, we all need this.
Whether you've written something or nothing these 30 minutes?
I don't know.
That's really sweet.
I'm like a really great writer already.
But are you mentally stable?
Flash Comedy Writing, 10 a.m. on IG Live.
She knows all her characters are just her?
Yeah.
That's not different.
I want to join that comedy thing.
You know, you could tell that she's the kind of girl where her aunts and cousins said, you are so funny.
You need to get into comedy.
You're so talented.
Why are you not in comedy?
You have a skill.
You have a skill set.
You have a skill set.
And that reminds me of this dude.
This may also be a baby monster thing.
He's talking about how important therapy is.
And it's like, no, we don't need therapy.
We're fine, dude.
It's you weirdo comedians who have to stand on a stage and go, look at me, look at me, let you listen to my problems.
You're the ones that need therapy.
In fact, the reason we find comedy funny is we hear you try to take your depressing life and elevate it and make it kooky, right?
And that makes you just at zero where you don't want to kill yourself, though they still do all the time, right?
Like, who just killed himself?
Oh, the guy, sport, the guy, number one guy.
You know the guy?
You were really into him.
Stephen Brody Stevens?
Stephen Brody Stevens, just offed himself.
We got Gary Garnell.
What the hell is his name?
The guy who talks about the Cobb salad and how Gary Goldman?
Gary Goldman.
He didn't kill himself, but he's on the way.
He's constantly trying not to kill himself.
That's unusual.
There we go.
Yes.
Robin Williams.
Oh, I didn't know he offed himself.
Shooting himself in the head.
Yikes.
Classico.
Charles Roddy.
All right, this list is starting to...
Okay.
Okay, we're getting kind of desperate here.
Ray Combs, technically, is a host.
Not really a comedian.
Richard Jenny.
He was a comedian.
Shot himself, that's true.
Andrew Koenig?
No idea who that is.
Losiento, but Yono Say.
No idea who that is.
He looks killable.
Anyway, they're all on the verge of suicide.
Chan, Chan.
And they assume we all are.
And that's the funny thing about comedy.
The funny thing.
They're constantly telling us how to live our lives, and they can't live their own.
They're barely holding it together.
And they're like, you people are so stupid.
Get it together.
They're really just talking to themselves.
And we're laughing at the clown.
But go to 14B.
I think everyone should be in therapy, especially more men need to be in therapy.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
But they're very reluctant.
Men are very reluctant.
My best friend, his name is Josh.
He's mine.
He just went through a second divorce.
Never say my best friend.
If you're eight, you shouldn't be watching this show, by the way.
If you're eight, you can say my best friend.
But I hear adults say it all the time.
Stop, dude.
What if you say it and you're around your second best friend?
Do you have to break it to him that he's not number one in your books?
That's not even gay.
And if your friend is going through his second divorce, he's a fucking loser.
Like everyone in LA.
And they have no culpability.
They have no standards.
So they don't see it as a bad thing.
Like Mark Maron and his constantly fucking these 20-something assistants.
Or Bill Maher constantly fucking prostitutes with fake tits.
Everyone's like, that's your cup of tea.
Who am I to judge?
No, we're judging.
Here in the Northeast, we judge.
And I'm judging you.
And you suck.
He's been very depressed.
And I told him, I was like, you should go to therapy.
And he was like, nah.
Running.
That's so dumb.
That's my therapy.
And I was like, oh, that's so interesting because sushi, that's my hair cut.
What the fuck?
Okay, stop.
That makes a lot of sense.
I'll explain it to you.
Mental health is contingent on physical health.
They are inexorably linked.
I don't know if you've ever seen my 600-pound life, but they're very blue on that show.
When you exercise a lot, you're telling your body that you're in it to win it.
So it says the opposite of I give up, and it starts trying and getting involved.
And it releases endorphins.
I would argue it's better than therapy.
What's therapy?
You're just talking about yourself.
Everyone I've known, like, remember Terry Richardson used to go every fucking day.
And he just seemed more reliant.
It's like when you use a calculator all the time, the next thing you know, you're typing out 10 times 10.
Or you use a lawyer a lot and you start saying, should I do this?
And they always say no.
They're risk averse.
And when you go to a therapist, I feel like it gives you this crutch where you just go, oh, I won't figure out my own problems.
I'll just tell him or her that I feel bad about a thing.
And they go, well, you know, maybe that's supposed to make you feel bad.
Maybe you should just try to make.
And then he gives you a bunch of medications.
Yeah.
There's nothing better for you than exercise.
So, and have you not heard that before?
Like, what is with the pulling the mic away and going, what the fuck are you talking about?
We need to treat depression like the disease that it is.
Do you want to tell someone with diabetes to run it off?
Because you need both feet.
That's a weird shitting on diabetics for needing their feet amputated, Joke.
But yeah, diabetics should be in as good health as possible.
In fact, most diabetics who die are overweight.
And you can get so fat that you get diabetes.
That's a huge problem in the American Indian community where they get so fat, they eat so badly, they end up with stage 2 diabetes.
Is that what it's called?
Stage 2?
Type 2.
Type 2.
I meant to say type 2.
It's literally one of the most linked things ever.
Yeah.
It couldn't be more bad.
What are you talking about?
My God.
So glad we don't have meritocracy in comedy anymore.
Because now anyone can get up.
And, oh, my God, maybe part of canceling Louie was to wipe out the competition and make them seem more funny.
It's possible.
I think that's what happened with Beth, what's her name, who canceled...
Beth Stelling?
Beth Stelling, who canceled...
What's her name?
His name?
Wait, Kale?
Kale.
Is that the Kale chick?
Yeah, that's the Kale chick.
Oh, shit.
Because, you know, he was above her, and she was down here, as far as like, you can, there's metrics for that.
As well as looks.
Like Google searches, right?
He was writing Bad Grandpa with Johnny Knoxville.
Then she calls him a rapist.
He vanishes.
She shoots up.
Yuck.
That's a four.
So yeah, we're kind of straying from feminism here.
I thought this was interesting.
My alma mater vice talked about how the only way you can have feminism is to end the family.
Seems like a good idea.
It says end it.
What could go wrong?
One woman's case for a feminist utopia.
We can't have a feminist future without abolishing the family.
Which is what we see with BLM.
Dismantle the American family.
I think BLM saying we need to dismantle the nuclear family is really just them making the best of a bad situation and saying, well, dad's not around.
I'm going to pretend I did it on purpose.
Found the article here?
Sophie Lewis.
By Marie Solis.
Isn't that funny, really?
Like, that you couldn't, this couldn't be the most diametric, wait, diametrically opposed?
What do you mean?
The thing you're saying, have a family, and they're saying, don't.
It really is black and white, good and evil stuff here.
Well, the irony is what I want is better off for her.
Like, they keep bragging about how they need kids, bring you down.
But all I see when I talk to this same woman when she's 40 is, what have I done?
I'm miserable.
Look at the woman who started all this shit with Sex in the City.
The woman who wrote Sex in the City is fucking miserable.
She doesn't look happy to you?
I think she's not getting fucked right now.
No one's proposing.
So now it's like, good, I don't want anyone to propose to me.
Again, making the most of a bad situation.
Check out the sheer narcissism of this chick.
Speaking of ridiculous feminists.
I don't have the mental energy to tell you my pronouns.
I mean, you've seen, we've done hundreds of these.
It could be its own show.
Actually, that's a good idea.
But it's a British girl who's cis, but she presents as female.
Yeah, that's called a girl.
You're just a normal woman.
No, I'm not.
I'm an androgynist, but I don't like to present as androgynous, so I present as female.
Yeah.
Okay.
I am trans.
I'm cis male, and I present as male.
But secretly in the bathroom, I'm trans?
I don't know.
Am I blow a dude?
Is that what you're saying?
I am stitching this video again to give further clarification.
Again, because cis people keep asking stupid questions.
Again, I'm fed up with it.
I go by any and all pronouns.
This includes news.
Getting approached at Whole Foods and asked why you have two names.
No one is bothering her with questions.
Nobody.
Your parents don't care.
And the people around you already know all these dumb rules.
And no one else outside of your little tiny bubble wants to talk to you or gives a shit what you think.
I am non-binary, not gender.
My preferred pronouns are they, them.
However, I go by any and all pronouns because I know that if I go by they them, I will face misgendering.
And I just don't have the mental energy for that.
And I don't care.
Wait, she goes by any and all pronouns.
So she doesn't mind being called she.
She's born female and presents as female.
I think we're done here.
Yeah.
Mid over.
Okay.
So we're good.
I will face misgendering, and I just don't have the mental energy for that.
Great.
So if I go by any and all pronouns, people can't deliberately misgender me.
If I have told someone I am non-binary and they refuse to use any pronouns other than she, her, I will get a little bit annoyed.
Because that means that they are looking at me being female presenting and they only see me as a woman.
They don't see me as non-binary.
They don't acknowledge the fact that my gender identity is non-binary.
They just see me as a woman.
I dress in a feminine manner because non-binary doesn't equal androgyny.
Shut up.
And non-binary people do not owe you androgyny.
In fact, neither do trans people.
The idea of passing in general is absolutely ridiculous.
Just respect someone's gender identity.
In the comments section, I said cis people be quiet.
This includes queer cisgendered people.
Cis people, you don't deserve a trophy for using people's correct pronouns because that is the bare minimum.
And the cis people in my comments that are refusing to use the right gender pronouns because I look like a woman can just shut up.
I'm not giving you three men's money.
I do cis people.
But you look like a woman, so I'm going to refer to you as a woman.
I do not care.
I am telling you I am non-binary.
If you cannot respect that, shut up.
Unlearn your transphobia.
I'm not asking people to try and shoehorn in every single pronoun they can when.
Jesus.
Here's the punishment.
This is a horrific story.
I'm sorry to have to bring you down with something.
So she just gave us a bunch of warnings about misgendering people, and you think, okay, well, I got it.
I'm not going to let that happen, but it still happens.
For example, this woman who was talking to a sex activist who works with Boy Scouts, what?
Called him he.
Scout leaders apologized to a woman backed by J.K. Rowling, who was hounded for two years after inadvertently calling a bearded transgender scout leader he on social media.
Why is this?
So it turns out this guy's a sex activist.
Look at him.
That's what he is.
She called that a he.
Miss Forrester, who runs the group, Sex Matters, who has been praised by J.K. Rowling, said the complaint by Gregor Murray was vexatious.
So that guy's called Gregor Murray.
And she called him he.
Not Miss Forrester, though.
Miss Forrester must be the group that is angry at her, the lady, for doing it.
Let's see the lady.
So now the scouts are apologizing.
So that's, who's that lady?
Go down?
Maya Forstator.
Wait a minute.
She inadvertently called a bearded transgender man he.
Go up to the top?
Miss Forrester, who runs the group Sex Matters.
Oh, I get it.
She runs a group that says the pronouns thing is bullshit.
That's why they're attacking her.
So she's not just a random woman on the street.
She's someone who says that sex is real and you're male or female.
I got you.
And J.K. Rowling supports her.
And then this woman did something horrible.
She called that a he, which I'm inclined to be equally outraged.
That's not a he.
I agree.
That's his goal one day to make it to he.
Oh, is that him?
No, that's not him, is it?
Oh, my God.
How dare you see that as a he?
What a fucking joke.
So it gets to the point where I start feeling like an alien who's looking down at Earth trying to figure it out.
Like, look at 5B.
I don't dislike Earth.
I just am having trouble understanding these Earthlings.
I'm worried I'm going to get in trouble for my boss, Zorg, for failing this mission.
Danny's penile implant is about to burst.
There is beauty in the pain of a trans dad in labor that proves their love for their child.
Now, Ryan and I took the precautionary measure of spending hours researching this, and we are no farther ahead.
This is the best theory we can come up with.
So that's a woman with her tits cut off.
They gave her a burrito, that weird penis they give, where what it really does is it just takes a giant chunk of your thigh and it puts it over your piss hole.
So now your piss comes out of a cheese blitz.
If you're really ambitious, you can make it get a weird boner that doesn't feel good.
If you're really, really crazy, we'll burn a line around near the end, so that's your head.
Now, here's my theory.
That takes a splint or something in there to keep it straight, or maybe that's what extends.
Yeah, the splint must extend the piss hole from your piss hole to the end of the cheese blints.
The base of this blints, right, is still a functioning vagina.
I'm with you.
So while you're pushing a baby out, everything is getting stretched, including your blintz.
And to be clear, a cheese blintz is a Jewish treat that looks like a very thin burrito.
Not a very thin burrito, a slightly thin burrito.
And that's what's being ripped to shreds.
Yes.
Here's an image here, not safe for work, but it's not grotesque.
It's just a...
I guess that's the peehole at the end.
As long as it's backwards.
I don't know.
Imagine a slightly skinnier version of that, and that's what they get.
I'm not exaggerating.
And then we have this woman telling us that her baby's incredibly ill.
I mean, they're yummy to eat, don't get me wrong.
You just don't want one as an appendage.
Don't let a Jew blow you.
He might bite into it.
That's right.
Z might bite into it.
Z might put a raspberry on top and some confectionery.
But this is an oldie but a goodie.
We didn't get to it last week.
But here's a woman telling us her baby is very ill and may die.
Okay.
What?
a world in which children and women would have much more autonomy over the households in which they lived.
It sounds like one of those things that she's really hammered out her point in theory, but has no intentions of practicing it.
And when she does, I would love to have her on the show.
Don't you wish you could get in a time machine and talk to her at like 40?
So how'd it go?
How was your mission?
Really shitty.
Go back, go back.
The majority of rape and abuse is husbands and wives?
Site of the overwhelming majority of the men and women would have much more autonomy over the households in which they live.
It's feminists who have mounted an analysis of the private nuclear household as the site of the overwhelming majority of the rape and abuse.
So who gets raped more?
Married women at home or single sluts out being colostomy bags for strangers come their entire adult lives?
When are you more likely to get raped?
Just statistically, when you're with one man or thousands of men?
Well, when you dedicate yourself to a slutty lifestyle, you're kind of consenting.
Ah.
So that's not rape if you're not.
It's not rape if you don't have any standards.
Right.
All right.
Enough of that bullshit.
Jesus.
You want to pin these and I can follow along?
No.
That would be easy and quick.
I'm going to go all the way down.
So if I color them, it helps you?
Yes.
Okay, I'm going to make a purple one here.
It's called Drop for Ryan's screw-ups.
I think it's pretty good.
It was received yesterday?
Okay, here we go.
Drop for Ryan's screw dash ups.
Purple, like you told me to make it.
Okay, got it.
And here it is.
Okay.
This is me and you at work.
How do you fuck that up?
How do you fuck that up?
Interesting.
A little too close to home.
The next one down, world's greatest porn.
Someone is sending us gay porn.
This channel is guaranteed, spelled wrong, to give you a coconut smasher.
An 18-year-old, yum, solo in the woods, yummy yummy, with only hand tools, builds an amazing cabin over three years.
We'll be the judge of how amazing it is.
We're the porn experts over here.
And we are Gay for Men.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
What's with the moss?
Oh, the moss is like the mortar.
It's all alone.
This is one of many.
You can see his progress.
Okay, go back.
I was about to come.
I'm going to come.
I'm going to come.
I come really hard.
Okay, let's do the 200 days.
Really hard.
Is that it?
No, the one that says I spent 200 days.
Okay.
I'm worried about the air underneath.
Doesn't that make it colder in the winter?
Like, trailers have to put up sort of sheets along the bottom where the wheels are because it brings up cold air.
Or maybe if you're in Switzerland, the snow just fills that up.
No chicks, huh?
Don't you get horny out there?
I'm sorry to interrupt porn with talks of sex, but.
I'm going to come.
Big rock.
We're waiting.
That's a biggie, dude.
Getting pretty ripped.
Okay, let's skip around a bit.
That's cool.
You're digging a hole.
Oh, you're making like a cellar.
I come really, really hard.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
So that's his fridge, I guess.
Wow.
What's your plan, buddy?
Shelves?
I love him.
Oh, the roof is weird.
It's like Spanish.
This must be weird for people who are just listening to the audio.
Folks who are just listening to the audio are watching a man who built, what, no nails?
Who built a log cabin from scratch, and it's beautiful.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous, my body.
He's treating it.
Treating it well.
So what does that do?
I don't know.
It gives it a cool color.
Maybe makes it all smooth.
Okay, we're getting sucked in here.
Yep.
Sucked off.
Story request, can I please get a retelling of Gavin's Best Dove story?
The story who is dying on thirst in China.
Okay, so I'm in China.
And I'm in the mainland.
We would go to Taiwan, but you could only be there for four months.
You had to go back to the mainland to renew your visa.
So I'm killing time, and I'm on a bus.
I think I'm near Shanghai.
And it was way longer of a bus ride.
I can't speak the fucking language, and there's no English anywhere.
So you just have to sort of wing it.
And I'm on this bus, and I'm dying of thirst.
And the guy next to me, we're together.
I think it was like a three-hour drive, a three-hour tour.
So I'm looking at him and we're sort of, hmm, hot, hot.
I knew thirsty is Sui Jiao.
So I kept going, oh, Sui Jiao.
And he goes, oh, oh, yeah, ooh, mm.
And we're both bitching and moaning about how thirsty we are.
And I think we got into like a mime thing where I had ice and I was pouring a glass of water and then plunk, plunk, plunk.
Yeah, they're not big on humor in China.
And they're like, he's like, oh.
And I was like, okay, yeah.
Handing him.
And he's like, ah.
So eventually, and this story isn't very good, by the way, we end up at some little small village that's off the beaten track.
Everywhere it looks depressing in China.
They put their mattresses outside, their sort of futons, outside all day to absorb the sunlight.
And then they put them back inside, hoping they'll retain the heat.
I'm not even sure that works.
Like, maybe it only works for an hour or so.
Maybe they're asleep by the time the heat trick wears off.
So it's a little town like that.
They sell these water bottles that look exactly like water bottles, but they're basically moonshine.
And one of the things they had in this, I wouldn't even call it a village.
It was just sort of like a pit stop with like a few homes, was a guy selling grilled corn.
Not boiled corn, grilled corn, hot corn.
And he hits me, goes, oh, oh.
And I get up and then he runs past me, runs out.
And then I'm like, what are we doing here?
I'm not hungry at all, by the way.
And he grabs the corn, he pays for it, and then he buys me when he's like, and then I just watch him go, oh, he just sinks his teeth into the corn.
And like, that was his Gatorade.
I don't want hot, salty corn when I'm dying of thirst.
And that was the day I realized that they are inexorably different than us.
They are not remotely the same.
They're not like they have a different language.
They have different tastes in music.
No, no, no, no.
Down to their very core, they are different than us.
And I would argue worse.
I mean, that guy I met was a nice guy, but his culture is inferior.
The West is the best.
The East sucks.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave and never stop fighting.
▲
Export Selection