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Dec. 25, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
48:52
MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY MONSTERS!
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Time Text
Fucking Pie Time 00:10:20
From New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
A couple tries to stop.
Rockin'around the Christmas tree.
Let the Christmas spirit ring.
Later we'll have some fuckin'pie.
And we'll do some caroling.
*Pain*
See, that was a different time, that song.
That was a time when you could swear in pop songs.
And then we become so uptight in our modern age.
Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
Like, she loves pie.
Want some fucking pie.
Yeah, and you can tell she's so plump, too.
You know what I mean?
Like, it gets you in the Christmas spirit because this woman's not messing around.
Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
We'll open presents and shit.
It's going to be fucking awesome.
Fuck under the mistletoe.
Yeah, we don't kiss under the mistletoe.
We butt fuck.
Yeah, 69.
Yeah, fuck.
Put your tongue down my throat if you're near the mistletoe.
Which is a pagan tradition.
A lot of paganism in Christmas.
That's why I get annoyed when the Jews and the Buddhists and the atheists don't put shit up on their lawn.
That's kind of a, I could take that as a bit of a fuck you to me.
And to all of us, and to Christmas, to today.
Just put a light on your lawn.
Put a thing up.
The Chinese do in Diker Heights.
Oh, I got to show you that.
Thank God I remember.
Did I send you my pics?
No.
I went to Diker Heights, which is deep in Brooklyn.
It's at the bottom of the Brooklyn.
Airdrop open.
I guess I won't include them with my kids because we live in a psychotic society where my children can't be identified.
I forget what I saw recently and they showed their kids and I was like, oh, what are you doing?
Yeah.
Unpublish, edit.
The left can show their kids.
I guess I'll do airdrop.
Did you turn on the airdrop?
Yeah.
Yay.
I'm in Diker Heights.
Diker Heights is known as Italian, old school.
Kind of a tough neighborhood.
There's Puerto Ricans and there's Irish and stuff.
Did you get it?
It says scent.
Gavin's iMac?
No.
It would be censored Mac.
Okay.
We're not doing a very good job here of entertaining people.
Or you can text him to me.
He'll pop up.
Yeah.
It's kind of a tough, very old school Brooklyn.
Like, guys who grew up there in Diker Heights, we're right by Coney Island and stuff, like the Warriors.
They never left that block.
But there's some WAPs, some zips make money.
Zips and nips make money.
And so they want to, and they have construction shit going on.
So they'll take a few supplies from the job, a bit of drywall, and bring it to the house they're building.
And they build these monolithic McMansions that are fucking ridiculous.
I like them.
They're so tacky.
I wouldn't want to live in one, but like a Greek column that's as big as this building.
You don't know this building, but like you would die if you fell from the top of it.
Seamless, too.
It looks like it's one big piece.
You know, back in Rome, they'd have the slaves do that.
That's one house.
That's a Chinaman, that guy.
Dang.
Because he was in his driveway getting something from his truck.
I go, can I ask you something?
I said, like, I put up Christmas lights in my house.
I would be, I don't like putting up stuff super high where you'll die if you fall.
And I go, go back to the other one.
I go to him, how do they do that?
You can't really see it, but the very tippity top.
Like, how do they get those up?
Do they go from the roof and lean down?
I'm getting like seasick just talking about it.
And he goes, oh, they use a ladder.
And I realize, oh, you hired a bunch of Mexicans to do this.
They did a great job.
In my old neighborhood, in Brooklyn, there was a house where the guy spent $10,000 a year.
He was next to a synagogue.
And he spent $10,000 on his decorations every year.
Oh, it's snowing in here.
It's chilly.
I'm going to have some eggnog.
Ooh, are you cold too?
Yeah.
You're nice and blinking.
You're so cold and blurry.
You're so cold, it's blurry out.
It does happen during blizzards.
It's blurzards.
Your mic's sharp, though.
Well, because they don't feel temperature.
They didn't have to deal with the myths and the legends.
So I guess Chinese people are getting rich, and they're very mathematical.
They have the abacus, and they just go, this is the best value for my dollar.
I can commute.
I don't mind.
I don't have a soul.
So I can be in traffic for two hours a day.
The traffic, if you hit traffic going to Diker Heitzenbach, it's AIDS.
It's 45 minutes or it's half an hour from the city, but with traffic, it's like three fucking hours.
I don't know how those people do it.
I would just get up at two in the morning, which I guess the Chinese do.
Anyway, very cool walking around there.
They're not cheap.
It's not like a foam gingerbread man.
It's like a polyurethane gingerbread man.
It's like, what do you call that stuff?
That's like, I wanted the floor of the studio to be this, and the guy kind of gipped me off.
What am I talking about?
The, you know, the sound.
Polyurethane sounded.
No, you know, like when you want to encase something in lacquer or ever helped me with something I can't remember ever since the day you were born.
That shit's cool.
Anyway.
Look at that.
Oh, so you go, well, what if someone?
Epoxy.
Epoxy.
Thank you.
What if someone steals one of these?
They're not cheap.
That little grouch, Oscar the Grouch, there, must be, I would say, 40 bucks.
So it adds up 40, 80, 120, 160, 200, 240, 280, like 300 bucks a shit floating around.
So, what they do is, and I think they also do this so they don't blow over, they tie a fishing line to it.
A lot of firemen out there, too, which is good because firemen will do like a 30-hour shift, 48-hour shift.
So, they're not really worried about traffic, right?
You go to weird time, 2 in the morning, you do your crazy shift, you come back at 2 in the morning, it works for them.
So, what they do is they have fishing line intertwangled, I invented that word, intertwangled around each other.
So, say you grab Oscar, you're grabbing the whole kit in Caboodle.
And I also noticed there was a security dude there.
I guess if, you know, I've had security guys in my house.
They're about $1,000 a night, max.
If they're buddies, they'll do it for $600.
But, you know, you get four blocks.
They all pitch in.
It's pretty affordable.
I don't know what buenotale means.
I thought it was their last name.
Oh, is that Italian for Merry Christmas?
Yeah, that must be it.
Hey, computer, what's Italian for Merry Christmas?
Merry Christmas in Italian is Buonotale.
Yeah.
I can also translate conversations.
Unnecessary, computer.
No, thank you.
Hey, computer, do you relay my private conversations to the FBI?
I don't know that.
Hey, computer, do you have any correspondence with the FBI or law enforcement?
Sorry, I don't know that one.
Hey, computer, do you celebrate Christmas?
When the season is about goodwill and cheer, you can count on me to celebrate.
Very politically correct computer here.
Good season and cheer.
What's he saying?
Look at that shit.
That's a home.
That fucking hotel is a home.
And like I've always said, I don't get big houses.
That must be a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
At least a 12-bedroom house.
So I understand if you got 12 kids, but what if you don't?
You have guests over?
Okay, your dining room table must be 30 feet long.
And now you're just living in a hotel.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
I live in a big house.
I lived in a house so big that I had to text my kids when it was bedtime because I didn't know where the fuck they were.
That's what I was talking about, by the way, when I said expensive.
Cut me out of the picture for a sec.
There's two gingerbread.
There's a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.
Gingerbread woman.
And if you zoom in, those are not cheap, dude.
Those are really nice things that could be in the window at Macy's.
Nice balls, too.
God, I should have said that.
The guy was home.
Pock, hindsight's 2020.
We got some presents on today's show, right?
Gift exchange.
Ryan and I did a Secret Santa here at the studio.
And coincidentally, what would you know?
Would you know it?
I got Ryan and he got me.
Yeah.
And I remembered.
I didn't forget.
I will introduce the Censored TV Annual Secret Center.
Pump, pump the jam, pump the jam.
Graphics you were targeting.
Thank you.
So yes, the reveal, I got.
Are we dumping right into it?
Hold on.
Hold your weish, as we say in Scotland.
Boring Yet Beneficial 00:03:50
Have you shown all the Diker Heights?
All the Diker has been Sassine.
Let's see.
There's the gingerbread, and then we're back to this guy.
Yeah.
Right?
Yep.
Jesus is hanging out.
You know, it's a long drive, but I purposely chose, I told the kids no screens, and it was a really good time because they had no choice but to talk to me.
It's weird, having teenagers and a young kid, the things you make them do, the memories you create, aren't necessarily fun.
They don't really love it.
Like, they like their drugs, their crack, which is Fortnite MLB the show, watching some old flavor of love, playing.
I'm including all my kids here and all their weird things they're into.
That's when they really enjoy themselves.
It's sort of like Amy Winehouse in that documentary where she's winning an award.
And she goes, this is so, she whispers to her friend, this is so fucking boring without drugs.
So you're taking away their drugs and you're doing something else.
But when they look back, they're not going to look back at Fortnite and M.L.B. The show.
They'll look back at when their dad took them to Diker Heights or when they went skiing.
I don't know if they thoroughly enjoy the actual act of skiing.
But you're like, it's away from screens.
You're being with your family.
You're enjoying yourself.
We're creating memories.
It's a bizarre phenomenon where the things that are best for them are not the things they enjoy the most.
She's just like, I wish this microphone was a syringe.
She didn't even die of drugs, you know.
Is this the clip?
No.
Well, maybe.
this is so boring without heroin But even Christmas with the whole family, like, does everyone enjoys it, especially the moms.
But do they really, does everyone else really enjoy it the way they enjoy their favorite thing?
And then I started thinking, I'm not sure I even enjoy my favorite thing.
Like, a blowjob is inarguable.
Everyone enjoys that.
It's not like anyone's going like this during a BJ.
So that's like indisputably good, feeling good, great.
But like, when you're, I like being in my old man bar sitting around.
Sometimes I'm talking to people that I normally wouldn't be friends with in normal life, or I'm just watching Law and Order with the sound off, and I'm trying to follow the plot with no subtitles.
Like, it looks like a cop got shot.
And yeah.
At least with heroin, you're definitely enjoying yourself.
There's no arguing.
But that's not good for you.
Anyway, I'm off of a tangent here.
You're sitting with the family.
You're all watching GOML together.
It's like changing my baby's diaper.
It's definitely not fun.
Oh, that's a great example.
For once, Detective Shitty brings up something good.
It feels good, but it's not fun.
Yeah, it stinks like shit.
It literally stinks like shit.
And when I had my last kid, when he was on his diapers, and he was getting to be like whatever the age is two when they run out, every diaper, I was like, this could be the last diaper I ever do in my life.
Weird.
Till I die.
That's sad.
Unless I get some grandbaby diapers, which I don't think I'll make it that far.
And so I was like coveting every shitstimere.
Yeah.
It's like that saying, Cormac McCarthy said, there's no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too.
Joyful Messes 00:04:32
A lot of the stuff we enjoy isn't necessarily joyful.
Like salt and vinegar chips or like spicy burritos that hurt your mouth or rough sex.
Yeah, hot sauce, come to think of it, I enjoy putting hot sauce on stuff, but it's not fun.
I don't like it.
It tastes good.
And I always, if I have a burrito and there's no sriracha or hot or Tabasco around, I'm not eating it.
Yeah.
I eat hot sauce till I'm in pain.
Yep.
So I'm having a painful food.
We're weird as humans, aren't we?
Anyway, speaking of joy, this is a short app, you know, just a Christmas app.
We wanted to squeeze it in here because we love Christmas.
We're Christians, Catholics.
Big day, big day.
And judging by the amount of boxes by your desk, Ryan, I think you got me a lot of...
Who's that?
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my God, Jesse Lee Peterson.
Welcome to the studio.
It's great to see you again.
I'm happy that you said that about Christmas.
It is about the Lord.
It's not about the children of the lie will tell you that Christmas is about presents and commerciality.
It's not.
It's about Jesus.
Jesus is a focal point of Christmas.
But the thing I kind of like about it is the ambiguity with the commercialism.
Like, I like it all.
Throw it all in.
Like, there's a lot of paganism in Christmas.
Jesus was not born on the 24th.
That's the sun god.
But we wanted to bring in the pagans.
So we pulled them in.
The mistletoe, all of the plants lying around.
Even the Christmas tree, that's paganism.
So we pulled that in, and I kind of see them as trophies as Christianity-dominated paganism.
Almost like a snowball at the top of a hill, and then you keep rolling it.
And we didn't have snow.
Yeah, Jesus is the snowball.
And then all the paganism and commercialization and Santa Claus and the Nordic God and the reindeer.
That's all the extra snow that gets on top.
And then you get to the bottom.
You have this big giant snowball.
It's kind of like American history.
Like people go, take down the Confederate statues.
That was bad.
And you go, yeah, there's a lot of bad.
Good, bad.
It's all, you know, we have this obsession in 2021, about to be 2022, where we want to sanitize everything.
But the moral of today's show is take the crunchy with the smooth.
That's right.
You know, it's like when I made my mom make mints and tatties without anything in the mints but mints.
It was gross and boring.
I liked the vegetables I don't like in the mints.
So you got to include the Confederate statutes.
You got to include slavery.
You got to include the Civil War.
It's all the messes that we all went through that brought us together today.
That's right.
Enjoy the mess.
Enjoy the filth, the evil.
Take the snow and make a snowman out of it.
I mean, we didn't have snow back then.
Where we grew up, we were too poor.
You couldn't afford snow?
That's right.
So we used to take like a Bisquick or like a pancake batter and we used to lay it on the floor and then make little snow lumps.
So then we put a car lumps.
a carrot coming out the top.
We couldn't afford carrots neither, but we had a You don't want to tell me what you used for carrots?
It's private?
Are you ashamed?
You were on a show recently with Jesse Lee Peterson.
Yeah.
Do you have a clip of that?
Can we see that?
I don't have a clip of it yet, but if you go to Matt Andrews' YouTube, I think he should be putting it out.
It should be out by now.
Okay, we'll check that out.
Well, thank you for coming on the show, Jesse.
God bless it.
Merry Christmas.
He, he, he.
He doesn't like saying ho because he's against prostitution.
I like delaying the presents here.
That's kind of another fun part of Christmas.
We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve.
My youngest son chose the weirdest present he's ever asked for.
He asked for a bullhorn.
And he said, I want to make sure that's the present I open on Christmas Eve.
Okay.
I guess you can see where this is going.
Stretch Armstrong's Legacy 00:04:36
It was a very loud night and a very loud morning.
Ah!
Have we tapped everything we want to tap?
Oh, Dinesh D'Souza is here.
I think we have tapped out just about everything except I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Ode.
Okay, well, thanks for coming on the show, Dinesh.
Always appreciate you popping by.
Totally.
Merry Christmas.
Let's do my first present.
Okay.
Secret Santa present number one.
Get the boy going on the dance floor.
See, cause that's where the party's at.
And you'll find out if you do that.
We're joined by Technotronic.
Yeah, bring them out one by one.
You know, the girl for the Technotronic video, this song, Yakid K, I believe her name is.
She's kind of a homely lesbian.
And they didn't want her in the video because she wasn't pretty enough.
So they just got that chick.
That's not Yakid K. A Milli Vanilli type.
A Milli Vanilli broad.
That'd be kind of a bummer, right?
Yeah.
You write a hit, number one hit song, and people are like, that's great.
We're going to make a video.
Oh, well, I better get my hair and makeup done.
No, you're not in it.
You're not in your song.
What do we got here?
Whoa, this takes me back.
Stretch Armstrong.
Heck yeah.
This was a big deal to us as kids.
So that was...
I think this predates Star Wars.
Dude, that's one of the oldest toys in the world.
I don't know if that's true, but...
Armstrong.
Look at that stretch.
Because around here, you start getting nervous.
Stretch, are you okay?
Yeah, I've never stretched it that far.
I got scared.
Engines, Connie, handle it.
And then you take it back.
I grew up with a different Stretch Armstrong.
See, I grew up with a foreskin, so I'm fine with stretching things.
I grew up without the myths and legends.
I didn't grow up with the Star Wars toys because we couldn't afford them.
This was my stretch.
No, we could afford them, but they just didn't get them.
90s Stretch Armstrong.
Oh, that sucks, dude.
Weird, right?
I hate to, you know, salad daze my youth over yours, but my stretch Armstrong.
Look up the 70s Stretch Armstrong.
But did you have this?
This is his evil buddy, Vac-Man.
You'd take a vacuum and put it on his head, suck all the air out, and then he was like, you could mold him and he stays.
I don't understand.
What air?
He has air?
There was air in his bag.
This is the 70s one.
So this is like the retro.
Was it bigger, though, back in the day?
Well, that kid's not a midget.
It was just the same as this, but way bigger.
Everything was bigger back then.
Our G.I. Joes were like almost life-size.
Yes.
So that's really cool.
Oh, look, you can get Vac-Man, too.
There's an octopus guy.
What?
Oh, cool.
Still going.
This is the Vac-Man.
Vac-Man!
Stretch arms, drunk, starch, enemy.
Ooh, he gets lumpy.
Vac him, crack him.
Stretch, Vac-Man.
I bet that was a chemist who discovered this sort of stretchy polymer.
He was going for something else, like a new type of insulation.
And his boss said, this is fucking useless, dummy.
And he was about to throw it out.
And then his son said, Dad, you can make it into a stretchy guy, and it's a toy.
That's how we discovered post-it notes.
We were going for the most intense glue on earth.
And we ended up with a shitty glue.
And then someone goes, just make it a post-it note.
Gift number two.
Let's do all my gifts to me.
Yeah.
Because that's obviously what I knew everyone wants to see.
The number one guy, the main dude.
And then we'll go through your tons of presents.
Okay, what's next?
Strange Gifts 00:09:41
Oh, we're doing them all at once.
What's this?
Cologne?
Okay, present number two.
You know, hockey tape is kind of a tacky thing to put on a present.
I don't mean to look a gift horse in the brain, but...
I love this.
Great present.
It's a shot glass.
It says, sounds gay.
I'm in.
Maybe I'll just re-gift this to my wife today.
You can stay at the censored bar.
You can re-gift it.
Yeah, that looks fun.
Don't tell me that you're going to re-gift it, but yeah.
Was that rude?
Yes.
Where'd you get this?
I worked hard on that.
I had to stay in line at Spencer's Gifts.
Spencer's Gifts.
The Co-op City Bronx Mall.
Did you know Co-op City used to be a bigger amusement park than Disneyland?
Yes, it was called Freedomland.
Freedomland.
And it died because it was seasonal.
Yes.
That's a trip.
This documentary on it is fucking wild.
Show us.
Defunctland's trailer.
It was one of the most ambitious things ever.
It was bigger than, so it was the guys that worked for Walt Disney.
And when that was, that seemed like a pipe dream.
They didn't think that Walt could pull it off and stuff like that.
And this crew splintered off, and they went ahead, and in the Bronx, New York, they constructed this thing called Freedom Land.
It was the shape of the United States of America.
It had Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, San Francisco, New York, like a mini, like it's a small world.
That would be funny if the gays sort of gravitated to the San Francisco area.
They had 40 attractions.
They had Indians and cowboys, and they had the Chicago fire.
And every hour it would burn up, and they would have Chicago firemen come out.
No way.
It was huge.
So they had like an asbestos building that could take fire 20 hours a day.
And the people could run up and try to put the fire out and pump it.
They had ferries.
Well, you said there was already a San Francisco section.
Right.
Oh.
I understand.
I understand your joke.
Thank you.
There was cowboys and girls with weird noses.
Massive.
And I grew up on the burial ground of a huge amusement city.
So your ghosts were fun.
Yes.
You grew up with fun ghosts.
That's why I always think it's such a fun city, and I never know why.
It's just buildings and some space and parks between it.
It's haunted by fun.
Yeah.
So eventually it just went broke because they had to shut down for like November.
No.
You could probably still do November.
Like golf courses here in New York are open till late December.
So let's say you got to shut down December, January, February, maybe March.
That doesn't seem so bad.
Four months off?
Do repairs during that time.
Yeah, why not?
I think you pussied out.
Or have Snowland, like turn it all into like Alaska.
Yeah, good point.
You could just alter some of the shit.
And so this is Co-op City, and it's the largest housing cooperative in the world.
What a mess.
Didn't know that.
It's a Puerto Rican human farm.
Well, it was better before the Mavros moved in.
It was better before Puerto Ricans.
Well.
The most comfortable everyday underwear.
Need a stiff one, it says, and it's underwear that's like beer.
I'm wearing some right now.
Those are very comfortable.
I wear tidy whiteys.
Me too.
But I'm going to be this guy now.
I'm going to wear like decorative.
Don't they ride up, though?
No.
They feel great.
This is what my underwear looks like.
This is usually what my underwear looks like, folks at home.
Yeah, just regular.
It looks like you're kind of enhancing your genitals.
But it's backfiring in a genital.
It's a switcher bigger than a finger, actually.
Looks like you have a point.
Yeah.
It looks like you have a pointy prick.
All right.
Well, it's Christmas, so maybe not that.
You know, my son, my teen son, had a Secret Santa, and he got his buddy Hooters underwear.
Just like this, but it said Hooters on it.
And I said to him, I'm going to give you a joke, and you can have this.
By the way, comedians pay for jokes.
Did you know that?
Stand-up comics will pay like $200, $300.
Especially for a roast, but yeah, overall, yeah.
So I go, here's a joke you can have for free.
Just say, I got you these because you like tits.
Now, these are 13-year-olds, so tits and liking tits is kind of taboo.
That makes it more funny.
And I go, you can have that.
I go, do you want it?
And he goes, no.
I go, I'm giving you a free joke.
Free joke.
He goes, I don't want it.
I go, okay, you just threw $200 in the garbage.
And he didn't use it.
The kids today.
What if he says no, uses it and doesn't pay you?
Ooh.
Ooh.
Smart.
Sinewy.
Cunning.
Okay, this one has a little ribbon on it.
Yep.
That's exciting.
It appears to be some sock.
Sock atomica.
That would be a fun job working at Spencer's Gifts and just meeting all the people who are pitching the shit.
And you're like, no.
Well, that one I actually got at a sock store.
Oh, a sock store.
It's a store.
You sound like someone who gets beaten every time they pronounce the word sock store wrong.
And you're like sweating and you go, I actually got that at a sock store.
No one's going to hurt you.
It's like.
The teacher telling me to enunciate what she's got a ruler.
She's going to slap me.
You know what's funny about this, Ron?
Bourbon socks.
Yeah.
Because I brought the ice maker home because they were renovating our kitchen, we didn't have an add ice in the studio.
So I've been having bourbon neat, and through repetition, I'm becoming a bourbon neat nigga.
It's so good.
You get more of it.
Like you get more of the vibe with neat.
I understand why they call us rockers.
And I'm an ex-rocker now, pussies.
They're renovating our kitchen, and the guy, the contractor, he goes, can I ask you something?
He says to my wife, this is how contractors talk to women, too.
If you were a light, where would you be here?
Be here?
And so I just came in because I hadn't left for work yet.
And I'm like, if I was a light, I'd be going through this intense existential crisis where I had a consciousness, but I couldn't communicate.
So I would try, maybe I'd flicker every time they said the word light.
That would be a start, you know?
But if that didn't work, like I couldn't convey my existence, I would want to kill myself.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't even swing.
I'd want to electrocute myself, but then they just fix me.
So I think it would be worse than hell to be a light and to exist and have intelligence, but be unable to convey your existence to anyone, be unable to relate to anyone, be unable to communicate.
And he goes, he goes, I just want to know where to put the light.
Fuck.
What a waste of a great joke.
I thought it was a pretty good joke.
And I brought it up with my kids, and then my kids reminded me of this horrific nightmare of a book that was my in-laws own it, and they used to read it to my wife, and then they read it to the kids.
You ever heard of this book where there's a fucking donkey, and he becomes a rock?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
No.
Looking it up.
Oh, Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles?
Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles.
So it's a donkey walking along, mining his own beeswax, and then he accidentally makes a wish, like, could I be a rock?
I forget exactly how it goes.
He becomes a rock for like 11 years.
Terrible.
And his parents are bawling their eyes out because their son disappeared.
And then I think maybe, I don't know, 11, 12 years into it, his dad's sitting on the rock and he's crying and he wishes his son would come back.
But because he's touching the rock, the son comes out of the rock.
Dude, you should have done that.
Oh, he didn't know he was the rock.
He didn't know he was in the rock.
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, one of the darkest pieces of literature.
It really is.
When people ask me my, my, the scariest horror movie, I say, can I include children's books?
Cause that book is a fucking, If someone has eaten shrooms or tried acid, get them the fuck away from that book.
You know what stinks about being a light bulb?
What?
It takes seven blondes to change you.
Oh, it's Coco Diaz.
It's Joey Coco Diaz, M-F-A.
Oh, hey, how you doing?
Dude, I'm doing pretty good.
I don't celebrate Christmas usually.
I celebrate Hanukkah.
Because, dude, they got these blue stars of David that mess you up.
Oh, you like Viagra?
Is that what you're talking about?
Okay.
That's a little something for you.
I got to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable, Coco, because you did threaten me after I mocked Ralphie Mae for ODing, even though he has kids and choosing opioids over his kids.
That was back when I was a tough guy.
You know, now I'm talk about Bruce Lee, talk about Bruce Stars of death and Taekwondo.
Happy Christmas.
Yeah.
I'm not a fan of you, Coco.
Your whole New York thing.
England's Unboxing Dilemma 00:15:22
New Yorkers in LA got on my nerves.
I'm from New York.
I'm a tough guy.
I'm a wise guy.
It probably works on Californians.
They hear the Bronx accent, and the only time they've heard that is in movies, so they go, you're going to get me whacked.
Next.
Bye, Coco.
Bye.
Next, we have England.
It's the guy from It's a Small World.
The price is on it, $10.
Yeah.
These are $10.
I hope you're taking this out of your own salary and not the company.
Oops.
So before you unbox that one, it was a buy one get two.
I don't like these things.
I know you don't.
It makes me think of fat guys with no life who have like a shelf or the various figurines.
Which I guess I had, which I guess is behind me right now.
So I felt like England was at least relevant to you because like, oh, great.
Trummer McNugget isn't on McDonald's.
I feel like you're not putting any thought into these.
No, it was buy one, get two.
And these were the only options.
And this is Mrs. Scarlett.
Carlos Peacock.
Mrs. Peacock.
From Clue.
Oh man, Ryan.
Yeah, no, those are just...
I can't even re-gift them.
I debated nothing.
I don't want them, and you know who else doesn't want them?
Everyone.
In a way, they kind of show the unity of Christmas.
Everyone agrees that this is a shitty present, and they don't want it in their house.
But the one from England, man, is pretty cool because you came from England.
Not the Lord.
Wales.
No, I didn't come from Wales, my pet Joe.
England.
England's a great country, man.
They got Dublin out there.
I mean, it's nuts, man.
So this is it for presents?
Actually, man, I got a couple more presents.
Not presents.
I'll just give them to you.
Simply the President of the United States got me stuff.
What a sweetie.
So this is in a bag.
From the container store, it looks like it's a misdirect.
Oh my stars.
Look at this.
Budweiser socks from the Malbone collection.
Now, Malbone is a designer who did this Budweiser golf line.
And it looks like that Ryan has found the keys to my heart and got the entire line.
The entire line.
Find your line.
Now, what do we think about this?
Budweiser sweatpants.
Look at this.
I can be a zip.
Yes.
I can be a WAP.
And they have pockets, too.
I made sure they had pockets.
You sure did.
There were some without.
And look at this.
Budweiser.
A sweater.
Sweatshirt.
That.
Now that's a good gift.
That's what I'm talking about.
Now I'm impressed.
Yep.
Ooh, it's hot in here.
There's a fire behind you.
Okay.
I got one more, and I guess I could do maybe a drum roll, because this one is kind of a big...
Drum roll.
Sound effects.
This is what Christmas is really about.
Looking at your presents, ordering them from good to bad.
Obviously, Mrs. Peacock being the worst.
And so far, the Budweiser track suit is the winner.
Oh, I thought that was you with Kurt Keelings.
Long drum roll.
Long drum roll.
Oh, doesn't it end with a ping?
Okay, we've got a very large box here.
I've got to get my Arizona toothpick out and open this poppy up.
How much was this, Ryan?
I don't want to disclose.
This one did come out of pocket.
None of these are from Santa.
These are all from you?
Oh, no, they're all from, well, in my family, we do Santa Ryan, Santa Nana.
So we write Santa's name and then we write the person.
I saw that as a meme.
They go, Santa Denaya.
And Ben Shapiro goes, Santa brought me presents.
And the Santa Denay goes, where is that written?
And then Ben Shapiro goes, on the present.
It says, from Santa.
Whoa.
This is a doozy.
Oh my God.
It is the Malbone Budweiser correct.
Look at this thing.
Holy Tolede.
Ho, ho, holy Taleed.
This is, this might be the second greatest present I ever received after that baby monster got the bag from the 80s.
You know what's amazing about this?
The bag from the 80s is pretty heavy.
This feels really light.
Oh, that's the cover for the rainy day.
Look at this.
Folks.
Wow.
Today's episode is brought to you by Amheiser-Busch, Budweiser, the king of beers.
This weighs nothing.
This weighs like, I don't know, five pounds.
Did somebody say Holy Tlaib?
This is pretty...
Ha.
What's up, Tlaib?
I heard you say holy Tlaib, and I said, that's my cute.
I think I said holy Toledo.
Oh.
All right.
Bye.
All right.
That's pretty good.
I'm pretty impressed.
Yeah.
Besides the pops, this was a pretty good Christmas haul.
I guess let's get your present now.
Yep.
I could.
All right.
I'm going to go into my office.
I'll follow you.
Follow me to my office.
I'm going to my office now.
Wait, hold on.
Oh, wait.
Okay.
Now we've got the buttons.
breaking the fourth wall.
Otherwise, these tools you already have.
You know, they can hear us so good, but okay.
I do.
Thank you.
now that I have a Budweiser bag, golf bag, you just got yourself a Budweiser golf bag.
I don't really go already.
But that's nice of me to get you one that allows you to drift one.
So there's a variety of ideas here.
There it is.
Are you a finger skate park guy?
Maybe about 20 years ago.
Okay.
I know you like Mario Kart.
And like this.
I have that one.
That one I don't have, but I'm not interested, if no offense.
What about this?
We know you love golf.
Yeah, like I said, not into that game, but.
You are a chink.
Well, yes, that's true.
But I don't even know what this is.
I already have that because when we're done filming that, they gave us all one.
Oh, maybe it's what they're wearing?
I don't know what this is.
These are some ideas I had my assistant switch by.
And I thought, rather than wasting everyone's time, I'll see if you like them.
Holy shit, this broke.
Oh, look, I guess that wouldn't be appropriate to give me a broken gift.
And you don't.
And scoot no.
It hit my shin one time when I was trying to do a spinner route, and I could never get over it.
What about the peacemaker?
That's kind of cool.
Yeah, it zaps you.
Oh, I have one that has 98 million volts.
Oh.
That'd be kind of a downgrade.
Doesn't that kill someone?
97 million volts?
Like, isn't 110 volts really bad?
Okay.
Iron Gym.
Total upper body.
You're into upper body workouts?
Yeah, but I do go to the gym.
What about this?
A vintage Gucci suitcase.
That's not so bad.
Is that what you wanted to give me, though?
Yes.
Are you looking for something specific?
Because it looks like you're kind of meandering.
Hashtag January 6th.
I can't find it.
That's the issue.
Which is seven days away.
What about a putting machine?
Look at this.
Let me just show you how this works.
So you're telling me I could take this home?
Yes, it's yours.
Or maybe it's best if it was mine to just keep it here.
I misplaced your present, to be totally frank.
It was in a brown box.
Okay, well maybe we should get to finding instead of putting.
I don't want to be selfish, but this is the season to not do this.
Poop!
Okay.
Water trap.
Yeah.
Okay, let's...
So let's see this happen.
Okay, let's, maybe one more and then one more chance.
This isn't my usual putter, by the way.
You're slicing it.
For fuck's sakes.
It's an unforgiving sport, isn't it?
It's an unforgiving holiday if I don't get at least a little something here.
You're going to get a present.
Okay, it doesn't look as such.
Isn't it cool after you've opened your presents and there's like presents everywhere?
You feel like a daddy warbucks?
Wouldn't know.
Um.
It's alright.
Um, just next year, or my birthday comes up in April.
Here, let me text.
Not the one who's so far away when I feel the snake parting to my bird.
That's Mac?
It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
No, it's not all right, Ryan.
I got you something amazing.
Oh, I know where it might be.
Thank you guys for tuning in to the annual Secret Santa Censored TV.
*Music*
Thank you everybody for tuning in and I hope you have nice gifts and you have a nice fun time.
And hopefully we've given you joy.
And maybe, you know, confirm what you have coming to you for Christmas before you get stuff for other people.
Not always, but if you kind of sussed out that somebody maybe doesn't care about you as much, then just go a little lighter on the gifts, I'd say.
And the people who you know will probably give you gifts instead of looking around their office trying to find one that's probably intended for somebody else.
So two people will be upset because one person gets a gift that wasn't meant for them and the other person gets a gift that was meant for them, not given to them.
So don't do that.
Censored.tv.
Christmas.
Christmas.
I was waiting for Gavin to send it off so we can hear some inspiring words of courageousness and inspiredness.
Might just be using the bathroom.
No we wait.
He's back.
Uh oh, what?
Bad news.
What?
Oh!
I found it.
That looks hobbled together, but okay.
So Merry Christmas.
Alright.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Do you want to open it there?
Do you want my Arizona toothpick?
Do you want this to open it?
I'll give it to you.
You can have this to open it.
Take it.
Jesus Christ.
Stop blaspheming Jesus Christ on his birthday.
You almost killed one of his creations.
Me.
Jesus made you?
Yes.
Not sure that's exactly how it goes, but okay.
So this looks hobbled together, but I'll just cut right through that bow.
Nope, that's not how things work in the world.
Now you have a hole where the bow was.
This is not a practical knife.
This is a sword.
I know, I left all my knives at home.
Or as they say in the hood, I left all my knives at home.
I think I could get it open.
Well, here, let's do the horizontal.
Ups and Downs 00:01:44
Alright.
Here's this gift.
Ooh.
Sounds like the box is too big.
Oh.
Is that real?
It's real.
No way.
But is this like a gag or I keep it?
That's yours to keep.
Now, this is from me, but it's also from censored TV.
This is your Christmas bonus.
This is everything.
And that's for you and the family.
Thank you.
I thought you were like, you literally didn't get me anything.
Oh, my God.
That's the Misdirect.
That is nice.
I'm going to hug you.
Thanks for watching.
You're a great work.
Appreciate you.
You're a good boy.
We joke around.
You quit.
You're fired.
We have our ups and downs.
Our highs and lows.
We have our highs and lows.
You give me your heart, and you can take my word.
Dude, that is so cool.
Just the kind of guy I am.
Amazing.
I really thought you got me like nothing because that was what it was looking like.
Dang.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yes.
Pretty exciting.
Amazing.
All right, folks.
That's our Christmas episode.
Merry Christmas, Ryan.
Merry Christmas to you all.
Enjoy yourselves.
Enjoy your families.
Let's relax and enjoy ourselves.
Christmas is about everything that everyone says it's about.
It's about the commercialization.
It's about the birth of Jesus.
It's about the family getting together.
It's all the same kit and caboodle.
The only important thing about it is that you enjoy it all and have a good time.
Cheers, guys.
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