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Oct. 29, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:53:21

S04E48 - WE WANT CANDY!

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Time	Text
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My One with Gavin McGuinness.
	It's too late.
	You are devil.
	Oh, my God in heaven!
	Help us!
	Help us!
	Oh Lord!
	I can't wear this mask.
	I just spray painted it to make it look creepy.
	And I'm inhaling the paint, and it's making me gonna faint.
	That's something somebody who's about to faint says.
	Yeah, that was bad.
	Faint from the paint.
	I don't want to.
	I think we should throw it out.
	Yeah, it's...
	Can you smell it?
	No, but I'm wrapped in ghoulish decor.
	Guys, I can't recommend enough that you try out...
	Oh, great.
	I got paint on my face.
	Frick.
	Frick.
	Well, you're like a killer who covered a room in blood and you painted it over and there's a little fluck of paint.
	That's your backstory.
	Okay, good.
	Like the Japanese...
	Remember those Japanese costumes where it's like something inconspicuous?
	You don't know what they are.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's like a guy who forgot that his cell phone light is on.
	It's all a backstory.
	What's your backstory?
	I'm a ninja.
	A mummy ninja in a sweatshirt?
	Yes.
	I'm guessing that you thought of this costume an hour ago.
	Well, I did have another costume idea.
	Okay.
	That's really funny and amusing.
	Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
	We'll be doing this episode sober for you.
	My immigration lawyer gave me this.
	That opening song was Do They Know It's Halloween?
	And it was by the dude Nick from the Unicorns.
	I think he's just known as Nick Unicorn.
	And he thought that that song, Don't They Know It's Christmas, is one of the most offensive and ridiculous songs ever made.
	Boy, my brain is 100% back now.
	It's amazing how fucked up paint can make you.
	I was going to pass out.
	It's probably cheap paint, too.
	It's a wildly offensive song.
	Do they know it's Christmas?
	What are you talking about?
	Are you talking about an Africa?
	Did you just assume that everyone is Christian?
	You know that non-Christians don't celebrate Christmas, right?
	Not even Jews.
	What the fuck are they talking about?
	So he did a parody of it called Do They Know It's Halloween?
	And it had a bunch of local indie celebs.
	I play it every Halloween.
	And the original is one too.
	That was a Disco D remix.
	Look how cool this animation is.
	Ooh, you made our monitor spooky.
	Yes.
	It's the coolest animation I've ever seen.
	This is why I can't watch South Park.
	Because I'm an aesthetics snob.
	And when stuff is animated badly, I can't look at it no matter how funny it is.
	This is too low res.
	Which is why I love Halloween.
	Because I like aesthetics.
	Now, as a dad, you don't get to watch much Halloween.
	I mean, you don't get to do much Halloween stuff because you're handing out candies.
	And so what I do is I scare kids with my sidekick, Ryan.
	He's such a weird-looking dude that when you paint his face white or black, it looks fucking creepy.
	And we'll be showing you examples of that.
	So today, as a dad, my job is to hand out candy and scare kids.
	But before that, when I was single, I loved Halloween because you're at a party, you're partying, and everything is aesthetically stimulating.
	That's why I like strip clubs.
	I can't go now that I'm a dad.
	But you just, you're talking to your buddy, and there's naked ladies everywhere.
	It's nice adornment.
	So the beauty of Halloween is you get to go to a party, hang out, and everyone is creative and it's interesting and there's beauty back in your life.
	Even if it's spooky.
	It's not remotely spooky.
	One time.
	Just gonna send it.
	My friend Judy, she's Judy, holy fuck, Rosen.
	She's a fashion designer.
	And she did, one year she was glitler, which was Hitler, but in glitter.
	So she had pink and purple and glitter all over her, but she was Hitler.
	Another year, my wife and I were Juggalos, and she came as our baby, a dead juggalo.
	Yes, folks, it was a little too soon.
	But a month before, a juggalo baby had died, so they had a juggalo funeral for her juggalo baby.
	So she was the dead juggalo baby.
	So we're going to talk about that.
	One of my pet peeves is when people take off their costume immediately, like I just did, because I didn't test out my mask.
	That smell is still pretty strong.
	Are you smelling it?
	No.
	But I'm a Korean zombie, so.
	Korean mummy.
	Okay.
	So when women are slutty and they have their high-heel shoes on and then they take them Off at the party, and they're sitting there with their stocking feet on.
	It's such a bummer.
	Same with weddings.
	So, wear a costume that you can wear all night.
	For example, one year, I don't have photos of this, unfortunately.
	I've got plenty of photos to get to that.
	One night I was a woman dressed up as a man for Halloween.
	It's the best costume I ever did.
	I'm sorry I don't have photos, but I had a long wig that I put up into a fedora.
	I wore a woman's blazer that formed my figure.
	I had slacks on, and I had flats.
	Like, you know, women wear flats.
	It's the most manly shoe they have.
	And then I had a cigar, and I had, I shaved my beard, and then I put stubble on it, and then I was tapping a cigar everywhere going, hey, guys, I love tits.
	Oh, tits are the best, man.
	That's how women act when they do us.
	Should we just dive into it, Ryan?
	True.
	Let's look at some Halloween picks.
	Do you see these?
	These are the worst masks, Halloween masks.
	This is supposed to be Brad Pitt.
	Wait, I can almost see Brad Pitt in that.
	Can't you?
	I see the guy who plays Bond now.
	What's the name again?
	Daniel Craig.
	Daniel Craig.
	There's a bit of that.
	The eyes.
	That's Barack Obama.
	Jewish lawyer.
	They're just so bad they're good.
	Yeah.
	James Dean.
	Well, you can't tell if the people who made this are just really cool and smart.
	Oh, my God.
	Marilyn Monroe.
	Beautiful.
	Who the fuck?
	Elvis.
	Okay, I could see a bit of that.
	Elvis had jet black hair.
	Another Elvis?
	That's the Raw.
	I knew it.
	Yeah.
	See, the problem with those masks is they're too hot.
	You can't wear those kind of masks.
	You'd be better off with face paint.
	Maybe you could...
	This will be a quiz.
	You also have to start.
	That's the Mona Lisa.
	Yep.
	You have to start with what you have.
	So, for example, I can't be Elvis because of my beard and mustache.
	I'm not shaving that off.
	So I have to, I'm restricted to bearded peoples if I don't wear a mask.
	And has a mask ever worked out for anyone?
	How about this one?
	Do you know what this is?
	Roseanne Barr.
	Wayne's World.
	Oh, my God.
	You're not going to get this.
	Yes, I am.
	The first one is Jerry Sadler.
	You know that weird-looking politician who waddles?
	Oh, Jerry Nadler.
	Jerry Nadler.
	Oh, no, it's Ronald Reagan.
	Yes.
	And then the second one is a crying baby.
	George.
	What?
	How?
	That doesn't make any sense.
	What's with his mouth?
	You know how he always be doing that, though?
	Nope.
	Yeah.
	He's never done that once.
	Oh.
	Sid Vishnu?
	Oh, Mr. Bean.
	Let's say a fun game.
	This is a heart throb.
	Hollywood heart throb?
	Nicholas Cage?
	I wouldn't deem him a heart throb.
	Wow.
	Oh, you might know this person.
	Oh, Jennifer Anniston.
	Correct.
	Is that a clue you gave me?
	Mm-hmm.
	And who's this?
	Everybody's favorite?
	The guy from the Adams family.
	Arnold Schwarzenegger.
	What?
	Why are his eyes black?
	I don't know.
	Oh, this is current.
	Oh, who does that look like?
	That looks kind of like that gay dude from the South that I like on Instagram.
	But I feel like I have it.
	Mr. Bean again?
	Oh, Sheldon.
	I see it now.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Mr. Bean again.
	And again, I'm bothering you as much as it's bothering me.
	All right, let's dive into...
	I went through a bunch of family photos and I want to show them to you.
	But first, I want to show you, we showed this last Halloween and the Halloween before where we scare the shit out of kids.
	I had Ryan put together a montage of our best scares.
	And we'd like to share that with you now.
	Spooky.
	Actually, we don't use the word spooky on this show.
	Okay.
	It's racist.
	Actually, I saw an article saying that Scotland's Spooktacular is back.
	Oh.
	And they have unbanned it.
	They've unbanned it?
	Yes.
	Oh, great.
	That's in the mailbag, I think.
	From now on, if something's scary, just say it's niggery.
	Color-y.
	Yeah.
	Dude, the playback's garbage.
	That's in the mesh can.
	This playback is grim.
	The daytime is less smooth.
	The nighttime playback is good, but it's mostly nighttime.
	I had to be careful because I didn't want to scare like a two-year-old.
	But then I don't like 13-year-olds trick-or-treating.
	Look at that guy.
	You see that guy?
	That's our code, you see.
	Boy, they really shuffle out of there, don't they?
	And because it's an all-white neighborhood, they're already freaked out by your strange features.
	Okay, let's look at some Halloween pics.
	Going through the family photo album.
	Ooh, that's creepy.
	Spooky.
	Spooky.
	Oh, so this was the year, it's me in the middle, and we tried to have three fake werewolves, and then I jump up and scare them.
	That worked okay.
	Wasn't fantastic.
	Plus, it was a pain in the ass making those things out of newspaper.
	That's just stuffed clothes with pillows and blankets.
	And what are you doing, Ryan?
	We can see you.
	Next, this was, remember that time we both wore werewolf masks and you go, this isn't working, dude.
	Everyone knows that we're not werewolves.
	Right.
	So then Ryan, I got to hand it to him, discovered that the solution is we just have to focus on the jump scare.
	We're not trying to convince anyone of anything.
	And he was right.
	I would say the code, thanks for coming.
	And then people would run and scream.
	That actually was inspired by your tip of when you're trying to scare somebody, don't go boo.
	You just start talking loudly or saying something irrelevant.
	I'm glad you brought that up.
	Another important tip with scaring people: don't say boo, but walk at them and get good at it, if you will.
	So, like, I scare my dad on a regular basis.
	Every time he's visiting, I hide in the closet.
	And being good at it, if you will.
	And then when he opens the closet, I go, are there going to be people over there?
	And you just start talking fast and walking at him.
	And then he starts rolling backwards, screaming.
	Because if you just go boo, they have a file in their brain for that.
	They go, oh, person scaring me.
	Okay, ah.
	But if someone's walking out in the sense of urgency, there's no file in the brain.
	So they don't know where to put the documents.
	So they're constantly trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.
	That's my kids.
	My eldest boy was Mike Myers.
	And then my little boy was, what do you call it?
	One of us.
	Oh, Among Us.
	Among Us.
	And then my daughter was a Keiju, whatever you call that.
	Japanese thing.
	Next.
	That's me.
	I was wearing a...
	This is a robe from a Know Nothings, the original men's club from like the 1920s.
	I had it in my old office.
	It had a black hood it came with.
	And my retard co-worker at Rooster Worldwide, our ad agency, he threw it out because he thought it was racist.
	He thought it was a Klan robe.
	So I don't know where the hood has gone.
	Thank you very much for destroying my property because you're so fucking scared of racism.
	That was me going on my way to Fox News.
	You destroyed a black hood and you're the racist?
	I was a tranny geisha Indian.
	Shoes were very uncomfortable.
	That was a painful night.
	And Anthony was on the show.
	Isn't that weird?
	As the mayor or something.
	Yeah, so that would have been probably 2015, 2014.
	It seems like it was a different world there.
	That's pre-Trump, where you could have fun.
	And then Trump was elected and the world lost its damn mind.
	And now it's Clown World Central.
	That's me and my daughter and my doggy.
	I don't know what we're doing there, just black and white.
	This is a fun costume idea, you guys.
	Be car guys.
	You don't have to be literally Gavin and Ryan as car guys, but that look of the West Coast customs with their gigantic shorts that look like a kilt and their gigantic t-shirts, that's a fun, easy look.
	Oh, that said, I texted you this so I wouldn't forget.
	The Blaze in Croton on Hudson.
	It's a really cool sort of maze.
	You walk around their property and you look at all the different pumpkin carvings and they're awesome.
	Until you realize most of them are fake.
	Oh, that sucks.
	Yeah, those are plastic.
	Yay.
	So now it's just a plastic light.
	This isn't my family, but it's my extended family and it's got some great ideas.
	I think if you're East Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Sikh, any kind of brown person, you should be a luck.
	Don't you think?
	Yeah, that's a great luck.
	A luck.
	It's tough to think of ideas.
	I like the guy in the wheelchair.
	It's way too expensive to get a wheelchair or borrow one on.
	I can get our buddy Donovan.
	Wherever the fuck he is.
	That's another cool thing.
	If you had a real expansive group of friends with a lot of variety, like at the boxing gym, I meet thugs.
	I could be like a thug.
	Oh, I can't because of the beard.
	But you could just borrow, like, say you knew a juggalo.
	Hey, man, can I borrow your clothes?
	Yeah, you can borrow my suits.
	You can be a non-juggalo for Halloween.
	So yeah, if you knew a gimp, you could borrow his chair.
	That would be fun.
	That's my youngest boy.
	Not him, but the other boy was so fucking obsessed with Spider-Man.
	He was a different child before baseball.
	Baseball is his heroin, and I've never seen him since.
	He became a baseball junkie, and that's all he talks about.
	I look over his shoulder at his phone, and it's just stats.
	Just data.
	But before that, he'd build stuff, and he was really creative and goofy.
	And then I hate baseball.
	Baseball took my son away.
	But yeah, that's not the right son I'm talking about.
	But he wore Spider-Man every day, all day.
	And some of them would stink because he'd have pee on them, like if you wear the same pants every day.
	And he wear through several Spider-Man costumes.
	So I guess that's a leftover.
	And then my youngest boy sort of picked on it, but not really.
	That's when Ryan was Nate Ober, right?
	Yep.
	And he writes into the show.
	He's a friend of the show now.
	We don't get to his stuff, but he sent in some medical things, pictures of the inside of his asshole, because he's got an asshole disease.
	A colonoscopy?
	Something like that, but it looks like maybe there's a tumor in there, something unfortunate.
	So pray for our buddy Nate, and that's him.
	Let's pray that Nate passes this tumor out of his ass.
	I noticed with a lot of your costumes, they're incredibly half-assed.
	Like, look at that shitty bald cap.
	Yeah, I think we needed some spirit gum.
	And even the face paint is just so cheap and shitty.
	Like everything you do.
	The quality of the face paint?
	Yeah, like your mummy.
	Look at your shitty mummy.
	Did you even cover your head?
	Yeah.
	It's just construction tape and toilet paper.
	All right, next pick.
	Oh, that's when my wife and I were Krusty Punks.
	And to make our clothes dirty, I rubbed them all over the garage floor.
	And she got a staph infection.
	Did you know your garage floor is dirty?
	Like, I didn't think of dirt as a contagion.
	But I guess dirt is dirty.
	Guess who this is?
	Pay you a million bucks.
	Jamie Kilstein.
	Nope.
	That's I like your new sunglasses.
	No way.
	There he is.
	Wait, that's not too far from what I imagined.
	That's him barfing.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	Imagine that guy with a Hello Kitty coffee maker going, I like your new sunglasses.
	Is that a heroin-related barf?
	I'm not going to say.
	Okay.
	That's just a guy.
	See, we haven't unpacked our shit.
	He's around somewhere.
	We have a Halloween box, don't we?
	He would have been great on today's set.
	You should show that to Larry Barnes.
	Be like, that's you, and I'm done with you.
	Okay.
	He might laugh and say, I'm going to tell my grandkids about you.
	I just said to him this morning, I was like, I'm about to fucking snap.
	Because he was doing, what you gonna do, bitch?
	And I go, I go, you hear that?
	I just snapped.
	That's some pumpkins we made.
	My wife did the skull, and I found that warped pumpkin, pumpkin, and then I just took another, oh, I took plasticine and I made the nose.
	And then I stuck a little mouth in there with a tooth and a wig.
	Put some leaves in the hair.
	And that painting is in our dining room.
	George Washington was in that fight.
	Ignore the white lights.
	That's just a reflection of our lights.
	George Washington was in that fight with the British.
	He fought with the Brits.
	And then the French and the Indians ambushed them and they killed, this was the storming of Fort DeQuesne.
	And they killed that captain, I forget his fucking name, whatever he was, General, fancy British guy.
	And I believe that George was in that mob and he saw the Indians in the trees and he went.
	What if I quit my job as a British soldier, stop working for these fucking guys?
	We get in the trees and kick all the British out.
	Everyone out.
	Start our own fucking country from scratch.
	That's insane.
	But these assholes with their HADAN!
	HAN!
	And then knocking everyone.
	That's a dumb way to fight.
	I like the tree shit better.
	I like guerrilla warfare.
	I'm joining them and I'm going to get an American army together.
	Start America.
	It's called America.
	Next.
	That's my daughter at the Halloween store.
	Good mask.
	That's my youngest boy in a Spider-Man.
	That's not a costume.
	That's a sweatshirt where the hood zips into a mask.
	There's Ryan.
	And that's how I did his makeup.
	He came over with like a normal skull face paint.
	And I said, dude, that's not scary.
	There's a file for that.
	You have to confuse people.
	So I got him a shirt and a hat and then smeared his face.
	Isn't that way scarier?
	Oh, I didn't mean to include that.
	That's my eldest boy when he was a kid.
	When he was a kid, when he was about five.
	And my mom knitted him that.
	That's awesome.
	I don't think that's Halloween.
	That was just a day.
	Oh, and then he was a ninja.
	My daughter was death.
	You don't get any say in your kids' costumes.
	I thought I would be heavily involved.
	They're like, nope, I'm not doing that.
	Nope, nope.
	They're very, very strict about it, too.
	Not even remotely into the possibility of what you have to say.
	So you just have to sit there and wait.
	And then when you get told, I want to be Jason Voorhees, then you can go make a machete out of cardboard.
	That's a pumpkin my wife made of an alien zapping you up from the forest.
	Oh, that's at Anthony Kumi's place where I was Schneider from one day at a time.
	And then that's Anthony's brother-in-law as Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP.
	He's got the fucking mug.
	I mean, that's perfect, isn't it?
	Look up Johnny Fever for all you millennials and Zoomers who don't know what I'm talking about.
	That was, Anthony's had a, he always has themes at his Halloween parties, and that one was 80s sitcoms.
	Wait a minute.
	I guess he's not having one this year.
	No?
	I was going to get pissed off that I wasn't invited.
	I mean, it's perfect.
	He even grew a mustache for the party.
	Like, he was planning that months and months in advance.
	Obviously, we're not appealing to people who are planners on today's episode.
	What else do you got?
	Hit me.
	Oh, yeah.
	Remember that?
	John Sereno.
	He's Mr. Roper.
	And then what's her name?
	What was her name again?
	Allie.
	Allie.
	She was Mrs. Roper.
	I once passed out so drunk that I couldn't fucking function, and she drove my family home.
	Next.
	What else you got?
	Do you want to show the Ropers?
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	One time, my friend of ours was getting married, and business back when we had a place upstate, and I have cameras all over my properties.
	And so, me and this other dad got it in our heads that they're going to be lezing out.
	It's never happened.
	This was this moron between my legs talking again.
	And he goes, yeah, they're going to be getting Lesy.
	And then my friend's dick also told him that.
	So they both thought Lesing was going down.
	And then I tune in the cameras and they're by the pool.
	And I'm like, oh, oh, here we go.
	And the theme for them was Mrs. Roper.
	So they're all wearing Moo-Mus.
	There was no Lezing going on.
	Dr. Johnny Fever and the blonde from WKRP.
	What was her name again?
	Lonnie Anderson.
	Those are some pumpkins I made.
	We're really digging through the crates here.
	It's Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
	Oh, that's my youngest boy dressed up as my eldest boy for Halloween by sitting on his shoulders.
	Doesn't that look weird?
	It looks like that basketball player who was wearing that long lime trench coat.
	What a fucking loser.
	This was just some dude who would hang out at the old studio.
	He made a Proud Boys shirt.
	This would be like the day the Proud Boys started, Basically, back in 2014, 15.
	He was Johnny something, and he was a Coney Island freak show guy.
	Oh, yeah, he would put nails in his dick, yeah, and his nose.
	Oh, yeah, he put a nail, he'd hammer nails up his nose.
	Boy, he was weird.
	I think he was homeless, too.
	Maybe.
	Here's a costume idea.
	Otoya Yamaguchi.
	Now, I ordered that Japanese school uniform.
	By the way, when you're ordering anything from Japan, make sure it's a triple XL.
	And then he had his army coat.
	I'm mad that I'm removed from Otoya Yamaguchi's Wikipedia.
	That hurts.
	My little boy is a skull guy, skeleton.
	There's a pancake I made of a pumpkin.
	It's very cute.
	There's Ryan.
	You see with his weird race, how he makes a good bad guy?
	Nice and scary.
	Scary.
	So we're doing it this Sunday, right?
	Yeah, if my wife doesn't give birth by then, yeah.
	That's back when my son was creative and he made himself a Robocop uniform.
	Why does it say...
	Wait, wait, go back.
	Left, left, right, right.
	Oh, yeah, when he puts his pants away, he doesn't know which goes on which leg.
	So he wrote right, right, left, left.
	We hadn't spray-painted it silver yet.
	Oh, this was weird.
	I think there's another picture from the same party.
	Back when we lived in Williamsburg, our neighbors invited us to a party.
	My daughter came as the Grim Reaper and just sat there.
	That's the first day I realized my daughter's weird.
	Yeah, look.
	No one knew what to do with her.
	She just sat there holding her scythe for like two hours, not talking to anyone or doing anything.
	Okay.
	There's another beautiful pumpkin I made.
	Oh, that's when we were Ghostbusters.
	My eldest boy would made slimers on a monthly basis.
	He made a slimer a month.
	We had 12 different slimers.
	Those are Tic Tacs I made, put in the mouth.
	I made it with them.
	And that's my youngest boy is the Stafe Puff marshmallow guy.
	Very easy costume to do.
	You just print out the stuff because it doesn't have to last, right?
	So you just print out Venkman and the logo and just glue it on your shirt.
	Sure, that's not marshmallows?
	What?
	Tic-tacs are very small.
	Oh, yeah.
	Gotta be marshmallows.
	No, I think it's tic-tacs.
	Not tic-tacs.
	Not tic-tac, man.
	What am I talking about?
	Not tic-tacs?
	Minto?
	No.
	Oh, yeah, I think that's just mint gum.
	Mint gum.
	Yeah.
	Not tic-tac, man.
	Not tic-tac, man.
	Come on.
	Come on, man.
	And then that's all of them, but then we have a meme.
	Oh, I threw a meme in there because I was going through my old October.
	You just go to your photos, look up October, and you'll have like five years of Halloween pictures.
	Which is what we just saw.
	You got the meme?
	Yes.
	What's taking you so long, mummy?
	Yeah, that just cracked me up.
	Those of you just listening to the audio, it's a fat man who ate some candy bars.
	I can't convey it without you seeing the meme.
	All right, I guess it's time to start the show.
	Are you ready to start a real show?
	Ryan, are you ready?
	Actually, I have something to confess.
	After making fun of Joe Biden, I need to see.
	I need to see him.
	I need to see Kyle Donegan doing him.
	Come on, man.
	Not your pet Biden, but the guy.
	The Donegan.
	The Donegan version.
	So go to Kyle Dunne's YouTube and see if there's any new updates.
	Any new fucking...
	I love watching Biden struggle with the English language, but the only thing better is watching Joe Biden.
	Maybe they'll be in the new one there.
	Wait, go to Sly's favorite superheroes.
	We haven't done that.
	That's like an hour, 47 minutes, right?
	You want to do my favorites?
	Or he's got a minute, 47.
	That's not going to be in there.
	He's got the Starboat episode two and three.
	Yeah, he's in that.
	Let's watch a second of that.
	Okay, let's do the third one.
	The most recent.
	He would do anything to cheer up young, neglected boys with games.
	As a space blob of color, Michael McJacko's the one under threat from structural spacism.
	And a whim.
	We can just make out whatever.
	Uh, no.
	Quick, put on a misk.
	Captain, life signs are disappearing all over the ship.
	Oh, fuck.
	And spooning.
	Where's Joe?
	Scroll forward.
	This fecal process will take.
	Hey, it's here long.
	I haven't exploded.
	In case everyone's worried.
	Is Pete okay?
	No, Elon.
	Pete's dead.
	Never been in this room.
	Oh, man.
	You tried to chip.
	There we go.
	What you see of guts.
	Hey, come on.
	Come on.
	Don't be so shy.
	Yeah.
	What you through for?
	Only Joy declares a tick of war.
	There you go.
	Please.
	You smell like diaper.
	Can't sniff you if you ain't close.
	I like this game.
	Let me see your butt.
	Yeah, let me see your butt hole.
	Hey, wait.
	I learned something.
	When people don't want to play, you shouldn't use your power to make them do it.
	Making someone play with you is like an emotional sniff or a gravy old.
	What a genius Kyle Dunne is.
	He plays all those roles.
	The dialogue seems totally believable.
	The back and forth there.
	There's obviously pre-recorded lines.
	Okay, we're finally starting the show.
	What, 40 minutes in?
	Facebook has changed its name to Meta.
	And I'm deeply disturbed by this concept.
	What Zuckerberg wants us to do is spend more time indoors and hang out virtually.
	You don't need to meet people.
	I know it would be cool if you knew a Juggalo and you could borrow his clothes for Halloween, but don't meet a variety of people.
	Stay on your computer.
	Stay here inside.
	Remember Superman 3 where they all end up in those little jail things?
	Was that Superman 3?
	Bauda Zorg?
	Are you too young to know what I'm talking about?
	Neil Dazad.
	Neil Dazad.
	That sounds like a packy.
	Neil Dazad, Neil Dazad, Zad.
	You come from Neil Dazad.
	I'm going to be with you for the rest of your flight.
	No, the only way to control these horrible magic guys, I think they're from Superman's Planet, is because they can beat up Superman, is to put them in these little discs and float them into space.
	And the reason they get liberated is because Superman throws a nuclear weapon into space and it explodes so hard it smashes the things and they can escape.
	We're now literally there.
	We're in those things.
	Yeah, that's what Zuckerberg is doing.
	This was considered hell and it's our lives.
	That's meta.
	We're launching ourselves into space, the cloud, in these little computer things.
	Isn't that fucked up?
	What was considered the worst punishment for the most evil people in history is now our lives.
	Hey, and welcome to Connect.
	Today, we're going to talk about the metaverse.
	I want to share what we imagine is possible.
	If you have blood coming, economy walls.
	And the technology that we're going to be doing is green ooze.
	As well as how we're going to all do this.
	If you stab Mark Zuckerberg and green ooze comes out, he goes, we still feel pain, you know?
	Is how it's given us the power to express ourselves.
	No, this isn't what's going on.
	Is that the link I sent you?
	12B.
	So they've renamed it Meta.
	And they want you to hang out virtually.
	There, that's where we're all hanging out.
	Thanks for showing everything, Ryan.
	Way to break this forward as well.
	What?
	You click on the video.
	Don't show everyone all the villains.
	Oh, it was?
	That's 12B?
	Okay, then scroll forward to his weird, stupid room.
	Yeah.
	So we all live in Aspen, I guess.
	On a lake.
	Whoa, we're floating in space?
	Huh?
	Who made this place?
	It's awesome.
	Right?
	It's from a crater.
	I met in LA.
	This place is amazing.
	Boz, is that you?
	Of course it's me.
	Don't do this.
	Play cards in person.
	Don't float around with a robot guy.
	Hey, wait.
	You can tell he's the fat ugly one, right?
	You gave me a retarded robot.
	Hey, should we deal you in?
	Sorry, I'm running late, but you've got to see what we're checking out.
	There's an artistophobe hiding AR pieces for people to find.
	Oh, some people are outside.
	But even if you're outside, don't go outside.
	If you're outside, get on your phone.
	And fucking things will come to life.
	Hold on.
	I'll tip the artist.
	This is terrible.
	Wow.
	Brilliant.
	If you guys like it here, I'm going to have a room that you're going to love.
	Check out this forest room.
	Isn't this apocalyptic?
	That's new.
	No, it's stop playing video games.
	Get off social media.
	After this show's over, stop watching the show.
	We've got to show that to the kids.
	Can you also send that to my dad?
	I'll message him.
	All right, see you at home.
	This place is great, Boz, but there's something I got to get back to.
	All right, so that's a glimpse of a few ways that we're going to be able to get together and socialize in the metaverse.
	It's a ways off, but you can start to see fundamental building blocks take shape.
	First, build your own pizza oven.
	This is the virtual fucking oven heater behind you in your facial expressions, you'll see their body language, maybe figure out if they're actually holding a winning hand.
	All the subtle ways that we communicate that today's technology can't quite deliver.
	Next.
	Exactly.
	Virtual reality.
	Yeah.
	And that's how we're doing.
	I wish we could figure out a way where we could see if someone playing poker has tells.
	You can.
	It's called your fucking eyeballs.
	Instead of a static image, they're going to be living 3D representations.
	Oh, no.
	Anyway.
	Your expressions, your gestures.
	Expressions and gestures, though.
	Sounds fantastic, doesn't it?
	I like talking about this story for the same reason everyone else does, because we like looking at pretty girls.
	So 1-3, everyone is outraged at this girl insted her dad's funeral.
	And the more we talk about it, the more we get to look at her.
	I think she might be a 10.
	I looked her up online.
	The other pictures of her aren't this amazing.
	But as far as funerals, as far as father's funerals go, this is the hottest picture I've ever seen.
	And I love that outfit.
	See, we're back to the Halloween talk.
	I just like looking at good design, whether it's God who made the thing or some homo fashion designer.
	Isn't she attractive, Ryan?
	Or are you not allowed to say that because you're married?
	Also, she might be a relative.
	That's Jane Rivera.
	Oh.
	Oh, she only put two A's because there's another Jane Rivera.
	I see.
	So my wife.
	What would you say your cousin is out of 10?
	She's loved and supported.
	What is she out of 10, you faggot?
	I don't do incest.
	From now on, you have to rate girls.
	I don't care what your wife says.
	You're allowed to eat Taco Bell on the show, and you're allowed to rate girls.
	I can rate guys.
	I'm going to rate her six point something because that's too much muscles for me.
	Wait, that's her?
	Yep.
	Oh, lady, what have you done?
	Sorry, cousin.
	That's a body I want to have.
	I'm working out so I can get Jane Rivera ripped.
	Yeah.
	That's a funny...
	Riffing at my boxing gym outside of like threatening to kill Larry Barnes doesn't really, they're not big on riffing.
	Like I go up to some young kid, some phenom who's going to become a Walterweight champion, and I'm like, hey man, when you're in there, what you want to do is you want to go a lot lower.
	And because I'm so shitty, it's a funny joke.
	I'm talking to a professional boxer and giving him bad advice.
	But then I found out later that his coach was pissed off because it's like a pimp.
	You're talking to one of his hoes.
	And he was angry because he thought I was trying to poach the guy.
	And I, so then he, to sort of bitch me back, he gave my daughter tips.
	He's like, hey, when you, when you're on the slip rope, you need to step more.
	You want to step.
	And she's like, okay, who are you?
	And I'm like, okay, buddy, thanks.
	Aren't angry.
	Weird.
	But yeah, one joke I liked to do at the gym, and you can only do it to the top funny guys, is you go, yeah, I've been trying to fucking, I want to get my biceps going.
	Like, I want to get like China ripped.
	You know, like China, the wrestler.
	I want to get to that level.
	What do you think?
	Funny?
	Yes.
	China is an unfortunate word.
	What you think of China?
	I laughed the first time, but the thing about jokes, it has to catch you by surprise.
	But I know that will work on somebody who has not heard it before, for sure.
	Oh, so you're saying I repeat shit a lot?
	No, I'm just saying I've heard it.
	You've confided in me.
	Here's this chick.
	Oh, yeah.
	While I was going digging through the crates, looking at old photographs, I discovered this person Boots girl I used to be obsessed with in a non-wholesome, simpy, ruin-your-marriage way.
	And I looked up, she's still going strong.
	And the reason that I included this in the notes.
	Wait a minute.
	You never rated that chick.
	Oh yeah, you gave her a low.
	What would you give this chick?
	You don't see her face very often.
	There we go.
	High sevens, low eights.
	Yep.
	But she's so stylish that you'd want to marry her just because you'll always have eye candy.
	Like, not one of these pictures is there a problem with any of her outfits.
	Like, sometimes they'll have open-toed boots or something, and you go, oh, well, you're dead to me.
	But she's, I think, the best dresser in the world.
	Look at that.
	What a fun look.
	I'm a homo, but I want to fuck her.
	So I guess I'm not.
	Figured that out pretty quick.
	Yeah, that didn't last.
	You know what was funny?
	When I was trying to look, when I was looking for this, I thought, did I leave this at home?
	And it's so funny the things you hear yourself say to yourself when you're genuinely concerned.
	So I'm looking through all my suits and stuff at the office, and I'm like, oh my God, it's at home.
	And then I say aloud, I go, fuck me in my ass.
	And then I see it's at the back, and I go, oh, don't, nobody's fucking me in my ass.
	Then I stopped and went, what are you talking about, me?
	That was just for you.
	This is kind of an old story, but BJ Novak, a picture of his face was accidentally filed in a copyright-free bin.
	And ever since then, his face is used for everything worldwide.
	Look at that.
	Yep.
	Shaving kits.
	That is hilarious.
	And oh my God, I think I've seen that.
	Not that one?
	Maybe not.
	And it reminded me of this guy who writes into the show.
	Look up Clothing Line in Mailbag.
	Oh, yeah.
	Remember him?
	I think he's Irish.
	And he just had some stupid t-shirts like this that he put out that said like globally sustainable.
	I don't even think it's true.
	He thought these are nice.
	And it just blew up all over Korea, Africa.
	Everyone loves his shit.
	And he doesn't get a penny for it.
	They just stole it.
	And it's called sustainable something.
	Anyway, he wanted me to mention on the show.
	Peter Bouthard, yeah.
	Yeah, that's it.
	Pull up some.
	He sent me a million examples.
	This is an article he wrote, and he kind of trolled the Daily News, The Guardian, excuse me.
	Yeah.
	By just like making shit up.
	Yeah, he just pretended that he's super into being green and how he wants to save the world.
	And they all fell for it.
	Boothroy.
	But show some of his pictures.
	Do you have the email of all the people all around the world?
	You better because this point is lost without it.
	Here we go.
	Let me see.
	China.
	Okay, China.
	Here we go.
	To hide his email.
	Here we go.
	Uh-oh, please keep private.
	That's not a good sign.
	Oops.
	Wait, why did he keep emailing me this, telling me to talk about it on the show?
	And now it's private?
	I guess the Guardian thing was private?
	Don't trust us, folks.
	I don't know what part of that was private.
	We've been corresponding via DM.
	I thought we were to bring this up.
	So it's his last name.
	I messed up then.
	Yeah, no, he told me to talk about it anyway.
	Look at that.
	That's pretty cool shit, though.
	I hate secrets.
	It's like, you know what?
	When someone tells you a secret, they're giving you a homework assignment.
	Now I got to put a little tab on that and remember that I can't say that.
	Don't burden me with your fucking secrets.
	Stop sending me stuff and telling me to keep it private.
	Don't send it to me.
	Don't read my name.
	I don't want to get fired for watching a show.
	Speaking of fired, and speaking of homos, Cannibal Corpse, I didn't know this.
	Remember Cannibal Corpse?
	We used to joke about them in the 80s because there was this one song where it stops and the singer goes, I love to eat pussy.
	Funny guy.
	So it turns out that he was, he travels when he's on tour.
	He goes to every claw game he can find, which I hate these things.
	They are money suckers.
	They're taking over arcades and Dave and Busters.
	And every time I take my kids there, I say, I'll give you money, but don't go near those fucking claw machines.
	And then I see them later on just blowing dollar after dollar on the thing that it doesn't even lift.
	Let's get these in the shot.
	We're going to be spooky.
	We better do it right.
	So pull it up, Ryan.
	What the fuck's taking you so long?
	So he goes to every claw Machine he can find, empties them.
	I have played those long enough that I won, but I ended up with like some fucking elephants that cost me 30 bucks, and it's a $1 thing.
	This man travels all over the country for his job.
	As a hobby, he plays every claw machine while he can on the road.
	He donates everything he wins to charity toy drives.
	His name is Corpse Grinder, and he is Cannibal Corpse's lead vocalist.
	Fuck, they've been around since the 80s.
	And then we discover George the Corpse Grinder was named after Cannibal Corpse frontman George Corpsegrinder Fisher.
	What?
	So he is the guy?
	Oh, oh, I see.
	In the video game, Corpse Grinder was named after Cannibal Corpse, but he was changed from the game.
	If you zoom in on that, they named some character in the game after him, and then they changed the name.
	Wow character renamed, World of Warcraft renamed after Cocksucker video resurfaces.
	So they got mad at Cocksucker, but not Homo.
	And the full quote is, I don't play no fucking Homo Alliance either.
	Fuck the Alliance.
	Fucking die, you emo cocksuckers.
	I don't know why they're focusing on the cocksucker.
	Yeah, because Lil Wayne says no homo all the time.
	So a lot of rappers would fall with that.
	And they don't want that.
	Because Big Daddy Kane is anti-faggot.
	And that means no homosexuality.
	Everyone loves Big Daddy Kane.
	It's because of black privilege.
	Which brings us to, well, we'll bring us to racism in a second.
	But I got thinking about free speech and I saw this tweet, 1.7, where they, what's her name, the woman who's almost Amy Klochubar, one of these Amy Siskin types.
	No, that's not it, is it?
	That's under 1.7.
	Oh, fuck.
	I forgot the thing that started this.
	Oh, I'm really screwing up the show.
	Is it a Klobuchar tweet?
	Yeah.
	Well, you don't have to find it.
	I can remember it.
	She said, it's time to rein in big tech because what the left is going for is January 6th happened on Facebook and it was planned on all these media sites.
	The fuck's over in my ear.
	And Facebook, it's so crazy that they think Facebook is right-wing, but go nuts.
	Meta, sorry it's now called, has to rein in these kind of discussions because people are having meetings and they're planning insurrections and that's evil.
	What they're really saying is, I want to control the American conversation and I want to make sure it's pro-Biden and doesn't say, let's go Brandon everywhere.
	That's why that dude Bryson Gray was banned from YouTube because they love controlling our discussions and our thoughts, right?
	And then when someone said that, other people go, oh, so you want to control the conversation like the way Justin Trudeau does in Canada by donating money and making sure all the media follows him.
	And then someone goes, no, no, it's just like, you know, it's illegal to say fire in a crowded theater, and that's all we want to do with social media.
	Okay, A, you're lying.
	B, stop saying that.
	Stop saying the fire in a crowded theater thing.
	It's fucking tedious and false.
	It's false.
	First of all, it's not a law.
	Go ahead, yell fire in a crowded theater.
	It doesn't do anything.
	It freaks people out.
	It's scary.
	Someone might trip and fall.
	You're not responsible for them falling.
	But just to get to the nitty-gritty of this stupid quote, yeah, this is a good article in the Atlantic from back in 2012.
	The Atlantic used to be good.
	Now there's articles in the Atlantic like, we're only having a shortage because there's too many rich people buying stuff.
	So the rich need to stop their overconsumption.
	Anyway, it's, what, 1919?
	So it's a year after World War I. During World War I, there were people who didn't want to go.
	And there was pamphlets that said, this is not safe.
	Don't go.
	You know, we're anti-war.
	And so this guy was arrested.
	And they were arguing for his free speech.
	And the prosecution said, no, him handing out these anti-war pamphlets will lead to deaths because we won't be fighting the good war and America will be ruined and other people, lots of people will die.
	So his pamphlets are violent.
	I know they don't seem it, but the yelling fire in a crowded theater doesn't seem violent until people get trampled to death, right?
	No.
	By the way, he lost that case and the guy went to jail.
	And then a few years later, they said, you know what?
	Let's overturn that judgment.
	And that guy shouldn't have gone to jail for just for handing out pamphlets.
	So the fire in a crowded theater thing is a misunderstanding of an analogy from a hundred-year-old court case.
	Stop it.
	And stop lie detectors.
	They have been debunked.
	Our buddy, what's his name?
	Doug went to jail for two years.
	What does he call them?
	Insidious Orwellian machines.
	He went to jail for two years disproving them.
	And we still hear about it.
	I'll take a lie detector test.
	I hear it all the time, Barstool Sports, Howard Stern.
	She's agreed to take a lie detector test.
	They are the easiest things to fool.
	These little, those meters, they don't mean anything.
	Doug Williams.
	I wonder how he's doing.
	Oh, there's some Halloween stuff I didn't cover.
	Let's title that.
	Let's jump to LGBT.
	Shall we?
	We'll do Halloween at the end if we have room.
	Ready?
	Yes.
	Do it.
	Why are you late?
	I felt ugly.
	I felt gay.
	And then we fell in love.
	I never eat to the poo-poo, but we have a very good relationship.
	You don't want to see a close-up picture of my anus because you ain't gay me.
	You ugly.
	If you don't want to see a close-up picture of my anus, then you ain't gay.
	Don't name your kids stupid names like Moxie Crime Fighter.
	They feel obligated to be weird.
	And now Pendalette, Mr. Science, Mr. Logic.
	I hadn't checked in on my old haunt tackies in a while.
	David Cole's a really good writer.
	Pendillette is now jumping on board the Mumbo Jumbo Tranny train and is all in.
	So just to be Clear, science is everything, no bullshit.
	God doesn't exist.
	I'm Mr. Logic.
	I hate fake shit.
	I'm a magician.
	And I do sleight of hand for a living.
	And I do that as entertainment.
	But when you use sleight of hand and you fool people, I get pissed off.
	I'm a crusader for truth.
	I never liked this guy, by the way, because when he came out as an atheist, fine, I don't give a shit what you believe.
	But he wouldn't go near Islam.
	So all he did was shit on Christians the whole time.
	And they were happy to debate him.
	They were like, yeah, sit down.
	Let's discuss it.
	Yeah, the dinosaur is very interesting.
	Let's discuss.
	And he purposely avoided Islam because he didn't want to hurt his family.
	He was scared of them attacking him because he's a pussy.
	So speaking of pussies, that's his son with tits.
	What does he have, a padded bra?
	That's his son, Moxie Crime Fighter, who has come out as trans.
	And now I feel bad making fun of a kid, but sorry, you put it out there.
	And now Pendillette is a crusader for trans.
	And he talks about how he's removed all mentions of all gender pronouns from his show and his own speech.
	I will make all pronouns disappear in my next act.
	And he actually had the gall.
	Check out, go back to that article.
	He says, it's hard for me to do this because I'm educated.
	Wait.
	Zoom in.
	No, no, no.
	Go down.
	There it is.
	I have tried to eliminate all gender pronouns from our show.
	That's very difficult for me because I'm uneducated.
	I have an autodidactic, irritating quality of reading old grammar books.
	So he's uneducated because he reads books.
	So it's very difficult for me to use third person plural as third person singular, but I've done it.
	I used to say he or she a lot, but I learned the binary gender thing was impolite and inaccurate.
	And inconsiderate.
	Sleight of gender.
	Sleight of gender.
	Maybe that's the name of our show.
	Did you know it's...
	How do you spell sleight of hand?
	Don't look it up.
	Sleight?
	Is it, it's not S-L-I-G-H-T, huh?
	I think it's S- I think you're close, or maybe even right.
	I thought it's S-L-E-I-G-H-T.
	Yeah, that sounds familiar, too.
	Let's see.
	I'm surprised you know something.
	Are you getting less dumb?
	Maybe you have Lyme disease, and sometimes you come in here, you're operating on a third of your normal IQ.
	Maybe.
	Sleight of hand, you were correct.
	S-L-E-I-G-H-T.
	Okay, here's one.
	Oh, here's something that I never heard of.
	And I like to be open-minded and say clown world has plenty of room to get clownier.
	And then it does.
	And I go, wow.
	I never would have guessed.
	I never would have guessed that women who were born female would be calling themselves trans.
	This is stupider and crazier than the female drag queens.
	Drag queens are men dressing up as women.
	It's essentially blackface.
	I don't really like it.
	I think it's dumb, but I don't care.
	But if you want to get technical, you should be as offended by drag queens as you are by blackface.
	They're both ridiculing someone.
	But I think with drag queens, they're kind of ridiculing themselves and homosexuality in general and the fact that they feel weird in their bodies.
	Anyway, you can't be a female drag queen.
	You can't dress up as a woman if you're a woman.
	You're just being a woman.
	It's like, I think it was the Canadian military.
	They wanted to walk a mile in her shoes.
	So these Army, Rangers, Marines, they all put on high-heeled shoes and walked for a mile because women have it so hard.
	No, I would say taking a bullet in the head for your country is harder than having uncomfortable shoes.
	So it's the woman who should be walking in the soldiers' shoes.
	How about women carry a pack on their back and they go through mud to see what soldiers go through?
	Everything is backwards.
	And so they did this march in the high-heel shoes.
	And then women wanted to show solidarity with the soldiers.
	So you know what they did?
	They put on high-heel shoes.
	And now you're like, wait a minute, now you're just women going for a walk.
	This was one of the dumbest things.
	Inviting women into the political forum has, oh, the cops are doing it too.
	Hey, those are just espadrilles.
	Those aren't uncomfortable.
	And Calgary police and the fire chief.
	It's just wonderful to have them because they know what we're experiencing.
	As a community, we're in this.
	You don't have to fucking wear heels, bitch.
	You can wear a different pair of shoes.
	You don't get lashes.
	This guy's pouring heels.
	Imagine?
	You don't get 50 lashes if you're not wearing your high heels.
	What a ridiculous, look, he's not doing it.
	I love the cause and I love the way that they have to be.
	Imagine you get home, you didn't do your chores, and your dad in heels tells you to put the trash out.
	Yeah.
	This is exactly like the fucking umps.
	Sorry, the catchers in baseball when the sports guys have to wear pink for breast cancer awareness.
	Exactly the same.
	It's all about emasculating.
	It has nothing to do with the cause.
	It's like, look, I can make this man do tricks when I shoot at his feet.
	Look, he dances.
	Anyway, so check this out.
	2-3.
	Straight cis females are identifying as trans.
	I am a woman.
	I am cis.
	So we know what cis means, right?
	You're born there.
	I am no different than my, I'm no different to my trans sisters.
	Cis with the T. Trans women are women.
	What?
	So is she saying that she's trans or she just stands by them?
	Is she trying to say I'm no different than my trans sisters?
	Saying that like I'm a real woman and so are they?
	Wait, scroll down.
	That shouldn't be on the show if that's what it is.
	Because that's pretty normal, not normal, but mainstream belief.
	Here's her two looks, teeth and no teeth.
	Thank you.
	What the fuck?
	Thanks for that.
	Thanks for showing me the variety of your face.
	But what are people saying?
	Okay, there's that.
	But I want to find out what she identifies as.
	Big difference.
	Actually, you're nearly entirely different, down to a cellular level.
	Yeah, I was thinking about that this morning when I was having a shower in my wife's bathroom.
	I know I sound like a cuck, but it's important you don't shit together.
	and I was looking at my genitals and I was like, Isn't it amazing how different we are?
	I mean, there's blacks and whites, and there's tall people and stuff, they do look kind of different.
	A very, very black person and like a very an albino, sure, but you don't get much more different than a hole or a dink like that is, and it's not just that, like the genitals are shockingly different.
	There's boobies involved, and then also just like what you cry at, like we're forgetting our differences, and we've trivialized them down to nothing, which is bizarre.
	Oh, speaking of trivializing, let's jump over to the war on kids, because I have some important stuff I need to talk about on that subject.
	Do we have a background?
	Hello, Flam!
	I had a sex change upgrade!
	Who wants to pound my back?
	We're living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.
	Regulations to indoctrinate American school children with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrines.
	I love our baby monsters.
	Although I'm worried about that name losing its oomph when that Korean pop band emerges.
	You know what I want to do?
	I want to jump to the end, in a sense.
	4-0.
	This is the end game.
	Let's start at the end with what they really want.
	They want not just kids.
	Kids are the most vulnerable.
	The reason blacks are attacking Asians is because they're easy prey.
	And kids are getting attacked and mocked and sexualized because they don't fight back.
	They're unarmed.
	And so the war on kids is really a war on civilization.
	It's a war on humanity.
	It's suicidal.
	They want to end everything.
	And you and me and themselves.
	It's a sort of manic depression that is sweeping the nation.
	Go to 4-0?
	I love Ian Miles Chong.
	He always has the perfect take.
	This is the end game.
	The complete destruction of all history and reason.
	The abolition of civilization.
	And it's some dumb bitch, but I know it's Twitter and this could be a 13-year-old, but this is not an uncommon belief.
	Abolishing species isn't a terrible idea.
	The difference between species is used to essentialize man, thus justifying his control over the planet because of quote-unquote superior traits.
	This is why I say animals are losers.
	Because we are superior.
	People are scared of saying that because it's an anti, we're living in an anti-religious time.
	And to say that man is special and closer to God is Christian.
	It's religious.
	So people don't like that.
	It's true.
	We are better.
	We are superior.
	It's okay to eat beef.
	Cows are losers.
	Go ahead, eat a chicken.
	Go nuts.
	How are you going to refer to different animals?
	We won't.
	Language is a system of social control.
	Its abolition is a necessity.
	Language exists to reinforce the power of white supremacists, bourgeoisie, settler, colonialists.
	God, they're so extraneous with their words, aren't they?
	This is like, what do they call black and indigenous?
	Like black.
	I think they don't like black because it's not enough syllables.
	So they pushed African American, but blacks didn't like it.
	So now they're just saying black and indigenous because it's enough syllables.
	And we're not just white supremacists.
	We're also settlers.
	We're also colonists.
	We're also part of some massive empire.
	We're also the bourgeoisie.
	And it's an attempt to establish the conceptual terrains of what is permissible and what is not.
	Pro-language is pro-racism.
	Pro-language is pro-state.
	Okay, you just normalized racism, dumbass, and made it pretty appealing.
	And she's speaking language.
	What?
	She's speaking language.
	Hard to get around that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	What are you saying?
	Next thing you know, she's just a mime.
	Okay, so we start at the end there.
	And here's a step back from the end is these young women getting sterilized.
	So to love man, to want a family, that's racist.
	It's also bad for the planet.
	And the reason they say both of those things is because they want to see which one you're more sensitive about.
	So if you're obsessed with racism, then having a family is racist.
	If you're obsessed with the planet, you're a greenie, okay, well, you're killing the planet.
	Humans are a mistake why more young women are getting sterilized.
	So somehow became the poster child for reproductive sterilization.
	She's so young.
	Can you really call yourself child-free if you're under 40?
	Like, she's still fertile.
	I've been child-free for 32 years.
	Yeah, that's pretty good, right?
	Why?
	To focus on their dumb careers?
	Let's look at some child-free memes.
	Family, why would you get tattoos?
	They're expensive and painful to get, and they are permanent.
	Also, family.
	Have a baby.
	Some families.
	So a tattoo and a baby are the same.
	Permanent.
	I think I could count on one hand the similarities between babies and tattoos.
	They're permanent.
	They're expensive.
	And you could look at them.
	Yeah.
	And then they can get wet.
	And they're not permanent.
	They die.
	They touch air?
	They die after 80 years.
	Great.
	See, you can't talk about these stats without mentioning race.
	I know I avoid race quite a bit.
	Oh, good.
	I'm glad she's not having a kid.
	There's no one to abandon.
	You know, I did have a kid before, but I did the right thing.
	I just walked away.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	George Floyd had a child-free life despite having about a dozen kids.
	I'm a father of three and I'm living a child-free life.
	Oh man, when you tell people you don't want kids, this is also a weird thing where it's like, why are you so obsessed with making this a public thing?
	Right.
	Like, I'm polyamorous.
	Just go be a horror over there.
	We don't need to hear about it.
	Hi, I'm bi.
	Even I'm gay.
	Okay, so you're in a relationship with a dude.
	In other words, you have sex different than me.
	I put it in a vagina, but you take a dink in your butt.
	So you're telling me how you fuck.
	I love blowjobs.
	Like, why are you telling me about your fucking sex life?
	It's gross.
	Okay, so now we're backtracking here.
	Go to 3.6 here.
	Now that I've told you the agenda and what the end game is, we can look at evidence of this.
	These are images from Genderqueer, a book available in Virginia school libraries.
	Meanwhile, Terry McAuliffe doesn't want parents to have a say in their children's education.
	Demonic.
	I know who this.
	This is Allison Bechdell.
	She's a very good cartoonist, and she's a pervert, a lesbian.
	I then dreamed about having a massive painful boner that lasted all day.
	That's nice.
	Well, she did the Bechdell test.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	She coined that, right?
	It's like a thing where you have to watch a movie and see how many female characters are empowered and if you pass.
	Or if you can make it a complete movie without referencing men or anything that men have to do with or something like that.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But you got to, as a cartoonist, I have to say I give her a pass because of her book, Funeral Home.
	I think it's one of the greatest graphic novels of all time.
	Anyway, but her pornographic comics should obviously not be in fucking schools for kiddies to see painful boners.
	Hi, kids.
	Today we're going to learn about Painful Boners.
	Are you ready?
	Yeah, that's a great book.
	But just because she did one good cartoon doesn't mean you have to look at all of her shit.
	For years, my standard method of masturbation was stuffing a socket in the front of my pants and manipulating the bulge.
	This would evolve into hip thrusting while thinking of my latest gay ship.
	What?
	Memorably, I got off once while driving just by rubbing the front of my jeans and imagining getting a blowjob.
	This is a chick, I think.
	Okay.
	This is the visual I'd been picturing, but I can't feel anything.
	So this is a lesbian with a strap-on cock.
	I've seen this actual picture.
	I thought it was in this.
	And wait, go back.
	So her girlfriend is blowing her strap-on cock, and she's disappointed because it doesn't feel very good.
	What did you think was going to happen, dumbass?
	Vagina slime.
	Oh my God.
	Anyway, so we're showing pornography to children.
	And if you have a problem with that, we're going to attack you in your home.
	So if you want to come to this school board meeting, I want you to know that you're my bitch.
	Okay.
	And if you have a problem with what I do, I'm going to disseminate your home address so you can be attacked.
	So either let me show your kids porn or I will hurt you.
	You got it?
	You want this up your ass?
	No?
	Okay.
	Then let me fuck your kids.
	It's basically where we're at here.
	Somebody says, wasn't this already debunked?
	Pretty sure somebody brought this home, but there's no record of evidence.
	No, it was available in all FFX high schools and one middle school, but they did take them out to review.
	Yeah.
	The left always lies.
	That's been debunked, they say.
	And I used to give them the benefit of the doubt, and then I would go home and look it up, and then I'd have to text the guy and be like, that was from 2008 to 2010.
	You said it was only four months.
	And then they don't respond because they were just in it to win it, not to get smarter, which is what debates should be.
	But yeah, so go to 3-7.
	If you thought that thing I just said was ridiculous, how about some proof?
	I have the receipts.
	This is a business meeting of the school board.
	It is not a meeting that belongs to the public.
	Each speaker is asked to state his or her name and address for the record.
	Failure to do so will result in an individual not being allowed to speak.
	John, can you give us your name and address, please?
	My name is John Wiggland.
	I live in Mankato.
	Can I get your address, please, John?
	I'd rather not, since you guys have a question.
	You can't speak.
	And I get so much property damage and eggs and everything else from fun people and their friends.
	John.
	Give me your address.
	I live on Fifth Street.
	Excuse me?
	I live on Fifth Street.
	House number?
	House number.
	Thank you.
	All right.
	So are our kids safe?
	Effective tonight.
	The school board is fucking insane.
	Hey, Jody Sapp, what's your home address?
	Where do you live?
	You big, fat, fucking, disgusting Marxist cunt constantly stuffing your face.
	You got your water and your fucking raspberry tea and you're going to go to Popeye's and get a chicken sandwich after this, even though you already had lunch.
	You packed to lunch.
	You have two lunches every day.
	You hideous cow.
	And you work eight months a year, six hours a day.
	You fucking lump of shit.
	And you're not just an abscess on society.
	You're not just a tumor.
	You're an invasive parasite who is hurting our children.
	Look at that fucking mouth.
	The only time it's not stuffed with fucking fries is when she's posing for a picture.
	You disgusting.
	You were disgusting when you were a child.
	Everyone hated you.
	And now you run the school and your agenda is revenge on the children that didn't like you when you were a gross little fat pig.
	You fucking loser.
	So I don't like people on welfare, but at least they're not actively trying to hurt my children.
	You're worse than a fucking abscess Because, look at her herpetic sores.
	Because you are out to destroy my children, our children.
	We talk about the war on kids.
	This is one of the stormtroopers.
	This is an assassin.
	And here's another piece of evidence on the war on kids that it might take you a second, right?
	So they're talking about rewarding illegal aliens half a million dollars for the inconvenience of, I don't know, not getting a passport the day you arrived.
	U.S. intox to pay hundreds of millions to families separated at border.
	Sorry about that.
	Sorry when you were committing a crime.
	I inconvenienced you.
	Government is considering payments of up to 450 grand per person.
	What?
	Like, that's a really good life savings.
	I would say it's middle class to have 450 grand in the bank.
	Like a professional.
	I mean, if someone's dad died and they left their kids 450 grand, you'd think he was like, maybe not a lawyer, but a professional dude.
	High up.
	Upper, not upper middle class, but middle class.
	You go, wow, you were a normal guy.
	So you don't deserve $450,000 for anything outside of working hard your whole life.
	So you go, I know what you're saying.
	You're saying, Gavin, can you get that paint off your face?
	No, I can't.
	Secondly, you're saying, Gav, you're doing a segment on the war on kids.
	What the fuck's that got to do with $450,000?
	Catering to illegals is killing kids.
	It's turning kids into sex slaves.
	MS-13 adopts these kids and they sell them into sex slavery.
	This is not Alex Jones' crazy conspiracy shit.
	Alex Jones isn't crazy, by the way.
	I shouldn't even have said that.
	This isn't some conspiracy nut shit.
	This is well documented.
	MS-13 makes no bones about it.
	They explain that they adopt these kids.
	The rigor that the government goes through to make sure the kids are going to a good home is zero.
	They just launch the kids into whatever home says, come on in.
	That's my cousin.
	And he's poor little fucking Jose is like, yeah, please don't hit me anymore.
	They use kids as lookouts.
	They use kids to stalk their enemies.
	They use kids as their word on the street.
	They also use kids as prostitutes.
	They use kids.
	So that's where that money goes.
	It goes straight to MS-13.
	And MS-13 doesn't just torture Mexican kids.
	Their culture in the drug world is just to see kids as garbage, like gypsies.
	You know, like the gypsies you see in Europe.
	You'll see some four-year-old in the median on the highway begging for lira.
	That's because the gypsies don't give a fuck about kids.
	And the Mexican cartels are exactly the same.
	But they also hurt our kids.
	Because when you give $450,000 to MS-13 and make no bones about it, that's where the money's going.
	If you donate $8 million to Liberia, it goes to African dictators.
	If you donate that kind of money to Mexicans, you know it's not going to some sweet old lady's hands.
	It's going right from her pocket into MS-13's or you better not or you're going to get this up your ass.
	So you give a Mexican illegal half a million dollars and he's not holding it for very long.
	So what do they do?
	MS-13's source of income is heroin.
	Fentanyl.
	Opioids.
	And how many Americans are dying every day?
	We always forget this number.
	I think it's 120.
	And a lot of them are our kids.
	Our kids are ODing on Oxy, on actual heroin after they get off the Oxy, and on fentanyl.
	And that is MS-13.
	So when you give illegals money, you're giving money to MS-13.
	MS-13 tortures their own kids and our kids, lets our kids OD and sells their kids into sexual slavery.
	Don't do it.
	Not going to do it.
	Okay, my final note on this, on the war on kids, is this trivializing molestation.
	It's cool to be a victim now.
	So what was the number?
	19,000?
	28,000 in 2017.
	So what's 28,000 divided by 365?
	I have gloves on.
	I can't use my calculator.
	Do it.
	See.
	Do 28,000 divided by 365, tarred boy.
	I thought it was in here somewhere.
	We could have done this 15 times over by now.
	Why wouldn't you just do what I ask you to?
	Holy fuck, you're a snail.
	What is taking you so long?
	105 a day.
	Let's just say 100 a day.
	So I was reading this story the other day.
	Yesterday, I think, 4-1.
	Some dude from the Blackhawks, Chicago Blackhawks.
	Oh, my God.
	I was molested.
	I was raped.
	It's been an open secret.
	And he's on TV yesterday.
	Every bar you went into, he was on TV bawling his eyes out.
	And you go, oh, fuck.
	What happened when you were a little kid, you were molested?
	No, when I was in 2009, when I was a grown man.
	Oh, what happened?
	The coach, he's a homo, and he would bring players home over to watch TV and stuff, and then he'd try to blow them.
	That's called a fag.
	They are disproportionately involved in molestation, as this case made clear.
	But what?
	You're just trivializing molestation.
	A homo hit on you.
	Dude, I was in advertising in New York City.
	You know me homos hit on me?
	We used to go to pick up chicks at gay bars.
	We'd get our asses grabbed all the time.
	So what?
	Big fucking deal.
	And here's the crazy part.
	So it's not illegal for a gay man to hit on a dude, but you should, if it was creepy or if the age gap was big, you should blow it up, make it big.
	He didn't.
	And he quietly told the guy's boss.
	They sent him to a youth camp, which is where you send all overly horny gays.
	And he did molest a kid.
	So your fucking cowardice got a kid molested, you fucking loser?
	Until very recently, I did not talk about it.
	I did not discuss it.
	I didn't think about it.
	This morning, Beach, speaking out for the first time after a report commissioned by the Blackhawks and law firm General Block, concluded that Blackhawks coaching and management ignored Beach's complaint.
	The team ordered to pay a $2 million fine by the NHL.
	I cried.
	I smiled.
	I laughed.
	I cried some more.
	Just a great feeling.
	Sure, you're not gay?
	Vindication?
	Yeah.
	Maybe you invited this.
	He also says that teammates made fun of him after that because he told them and they called him a homo and stuff and said you loved it, which sounds funny.
	Like, if someone hit on Ryan, a homo, tried to blow him, and he didn't hurt Ryan or rape him, I would never let him live it down.
	I would laugh my head off.
	And if you were really sensitive about it, then I would really twist the knife.
	Right?
	I'd want you to do the same.
	Of course.
	Like, what a fucking faggot.
	Can you be molested after the age of consent?
	What's the age of consent?
	17?
	You can't be molested after 17.
	You could be raped, and that's terrible, but we have laws.
	If a homo tries to hit on you, I don't know, make fun of him.
	Don't cry.
	You're gayer than a gay.
	My career threatened.
	I felt alone and dark.
	Yeah, you are alone.
	You're a pussy.
	No one wants to hang out with you.
	If you could have kept you company, you would have been so alone then.
	So his cowardice in not going, hey, our coach is a fag.
	He tried to fuck me.
	What's your deal, dude?
	Ended up getting a kid molested.
	So when you trivialize molestation, you normalize it.
	And now, now, if he can be molested at 21, whatever he was, now when we hear someone go, I was molested.
	Now we have to go, oh, wait, what age?
	I keep saying this.
	10 years ago, when we heard some girl was raped, we would all jump in a Chevy Nova with ski masks on and baseball bats to go beat the living shit out of the guy.
	Now, when I hear someone was raped, I go, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
	What happened?
	Because it might be one of those stories where she went on a date and didn't enjoy herself.
	Boom, these explosions of bullshit.
	And then we have Uma Abadin, who she says that she was raped.
	This isn't quite on the war on kids, but I have to include it because it's the same thing as the Chicago Blackhawks guy.
	So while she was, I don't know, working with Hillary, she makes sure you know that Hillary wasn't there.
	It's not her fault.
	Some senator tried to kiss her.
	He brought her home.
	And ladies, when you go to some guy's house, you're kind of saying that you want to fuck.
	If it's not a party and he says, come on over for drinks.
	And you go over alone, you're kind of saying, let's fuck.
	Sorry.
	Anyway, he takes her home.
	She's sitting in the couch.
	He goes over for a kiss.
	She goes, oh, what are you doing?
	And he goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
	I totally misread the signals.
	That's it.
	That's her rape.
	The fuck?
	Fucking.
	Like, if I had been raped and she was going around saying she was raped, I go, can you shut the fuck up, please?
	I had a guy jump out of the bushes and hold a knife to my throat and put his dink in my butt.
	That's a rape.
	All right, I have to end on a happy note.
	This has nothing to do with the war on kids, but I don't want you to get depressed.
	I want you to have fun.
	It's Halloween.
	So I'm just throwing in this super cool, funny, happy story.
	So the hospital fucks up, which, Jesus, can we, we've been having babies for over 20 years now.
	I think we should have mastered it.
	But anyway, they fucked up.
	They separated the kids at birth.
	They discover the youngest girl, oh no, they're the exact same age.
	They're born the same day.
	One of the girls, she's at this nursery school when she's like four, pre-K, and she's sort of drawn to these other siblings.
	She just walks towards them and she wants to hang out with them all the time, which that's saying a lot, by the way, about nature over nurture, when you have the same DNA and you're just sort of drawn to that person.
	I notice it with my cousins.
	Like we're sitting having a steak and it, I don't get to see my cousins very much because they're in Scotland, but we were at Keene's Steakhouse the other day because he was visiting New York and he just goes, this is uncanny.
	Like we were just the same dude.
	I felt so comfortable around him.
	It was like I was eating with my brother.
	Any Ezel, she's drawn to these other siblings and so they do a DNA test and they discover that she is their sibling.
	So then they start freaking out and they do DNA tests of the other girl.
	I think everyone who was born that day.
	And they discover that we switched up the families.
	So here's the gut-wrenching part, the bad part of the story.
	They try to return the kids to the families.
	And they say, let's just FaceTime for an hour a day and see if it's traumatic.
	And it was gut-wrenching.
	I'm almost crying talking about it.
	Gut-wrenching, blubbering.
	The kid was fucked out of his mind.
	The parents were delirious.
	And then they have this other stranger in their house that they have to start loving from scratch.
	Okay, I guess I love you.
	So guess what they did?
	What?
	They got a bigger house and moved in together.
	Wow.
	They merged families.
	Men cannot cry like that black hawks guy, but you're allowed to get a little humid in the eyeballs.
	The two families merged and they raised all the kids together.
	The kids obviously celebrate their birthday together on the same day.
	Isn't that beautiful?
	That is amazing.
	And the family stayed together and now they're all old.
	Like the kids are, what, 22 years old?
	Are there more pictures in that article or do you have to sign up?
	You have to sign up.
	Yeah, you fucking.
	Just put in a fake email.
	Epoch.
	You know a scam that they do now on Twitter?
	They pay for their best story to trend and then when you go to read it, you have to subscribe.
	And they end up making their money back.
	So you pay like whatever it is, $1,000 or $5,000 to make your thing trend, and you end up with $5,500 of subs.
	It's worth it.
	I don't play these games.
	Look at him.
	he's all old now.
	Those are his two daughters.
	Isn't that cool?
	That'd be funny if when they found out the babies were switched, the parents went, oh, good, because this one's not hot.
	Okay.
	I guess we got to get to the mailbag, right?
	How long have we been going here?
	Quite a bit.
	Quite a bit.
	Well, I had to make up for yesterday's show.
	Oh, yeah.
	Let's just squeeze in that extra Halloween shit.
	I just want to show you.
	I actually only have this one thing to say.
	It was the coolest costume I've ever seen.
	Yeah, that was it.
	Just one last thing.
	Oh, there was cinema.
	She's nuts.
	Look at her fucking jean vest.
	Like, they have to wear blazers.
	I guess this counts as a blazer.
	She's a mental patient, isn't she?
	But anyway, the best, that wouldn't be a good Halloween costume.
	The best Halloween costume I've ever seen, and you'll never outdo this, so don't even try, was my friends Blake and Josh.
	This is like fucking 10 years ago now.
	Is there a date on that article?
	2005.
	Holy shit.
	15 years ago?
	16 years ago?
	2005 plus 10.
	Wait, that's 2005?
	Oh yeah, because it was in Vice.
	I must have still been at Vice.
	That's Josh and Blake as the Chappelle sisters who are dressed up as Cheech and Chong.
	Oh my God.
	Now I looked up the Chappelle sisters, not Dave Chappelle.
	They're still fucking alive.
	Look at 2-0.
	They're 60 years old.
	How does the little one not atrify her muscles?
	She can't walk.
	Good thing the other one likes her music.
	What happens if one of them gets drunk and the other one doesn't?
	Terrible.
	Which one would you fuck?
	I mean, one of them-the one in the chair is prettier, but her legs are just like sandbags.
	And then the one with basically a body ready to go is hideous.
	You know what?
	The one that's carrying around the other one, because she deserves some...
	I mean, look at her.
	She's probably in good shape.
	The other one's like a little brat, just sitting all day.
	That would suck if you really got along well with the one with legs and you'd hated the other one.
	And you couldn't gossip about her.
	You could whisper in one ear.
	You didn't have to wait till she's asleep.
	And then you'd be worried that she's pretending to be asleep.
	And she'd be like, I can hear you.
	That happened to my grandmother once.
	She was lying there next to her sister.
	She was like 50 years old at the time.
	And her sister was like, look at you.
	You think you're special.
	You think you're a mess.
	Because you modeled a fucking hat 30 years ago.
	You think you're some sort of beautiful model.
	You're nothing.
	Your marriage was a failure.
	You're not special.
	And my gran was lying there like, Jesus H. Christ, this bitch hates me.
	And so she just woke up.
	Didn't wake up, but she jumped up and she goes, if that's how you feel, I will not waste another minute of your time.
	And she goes, Janet, I thought you were asleep.
	I know you thought I was asleep.
	You silly cow.
	She walked out and never spoke to her again.
	It's a joke.
	But yeah, let's go back at that.
	Look at that costume again.
	Now that you know who the Chappelle sisters are.
	Go up more?
	What a weird picture.
	Was that back when you had to have a teaser at the top?
	And then that would be included in the actual post?
	Yeah.
	Keep going up though?
	So that's just the one picture of it, right?
	Oh, yeah.
	Let's click on those.
	Oh, you see the chair?
	So he cut a hole in a chair and added hockey sticks.
	And then he stands inside the chair.
	And those are his fake legs.
	And then they made the merge.
	Jesus Christ.
	Sorry to take the Lord's name in vain so much.
	I'm overwhelmed easily.
	I'm sorry?
	This is a good bit.
	It's not stunted and awkward at all.
	It's just slowing.
	This requires your feedback.
	It inspired me to explore the Korean language.
	In fact, upon doing it, search it was scariest in Korean culture.
	Someone's very okay.
	What did you discover?
	They're not all going to be winners.
	There's going to be some duds.
	Let's go to the mailbag, shall we?
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	This is from a dude whose name is female.
	I don't know.
	He made up a fake email thing.
	Oh, my mouse tracking pad doesn't work.
	The live show was a fucking shit show and boring as fuck.
	Way to sell getting married and having kids by letting everyone know it makes you want to get hammered before work on a Thursday afternoon, faggot.
	Don't even call yourself an alcoholic.
	You're just gay.
	Oh, shit.
	My fucking watch broke.
	No.
	Well, the pin fell out.
	Problem is these pins are like...
	$200.
	Oh, I got it.
	Um...
	Okay, thank you for that.
	You have hurt me today.
	What?
	How does my wife and kids get dragged into it?
	Way to sell getting married and having kids by letting them it makes you want to get hammered before work?
	No, a day of golf makes me want to get hammered before work when I'm with the owner of a bar where we meet at his bar and we do shots at 9 a.m.
	I don't know.
	I would kind of, if you're a regular watcher of the show, wouldn't it be interesting to see me in a different capacity?
	Once?
	What's happening?
	I just couldn't.
	I couldn't do it anymore.
	But I realized that I've left the sunglasses out, which was part of the look.
	But that's actually the invisible man who did the sunglasses, so I was good.
	Without the sunglasses.
	Wow, we just got to see how shh your shitty brain operates live.
	Attached, found the guy who punched the girl on the subway.
	Attached as a TikTok in which some guy tracked him down.
	Okay, did you punch him?
	Opening.
	Here we go.
	Calling for violence.
	More face punching, please.
	I posted that because that is horrifying, unacceptable behavior.
	And I wanted to know what kind of a monster did that.
	And found him.
	We found him.
	And this is why, whenever I'm in doubt about finding somebody, I just go to the most reliable source, which is crowdsourcing, putting it out there and letting somebody in their life.
	Not all about you, dude.
	It was his brother who identified him as Griffin Kennard of Brooklyn, New York.
	Poet, loner, fighter.
	I don't think sucker punching random white women because you didn't like that she wasn't respecting you counts as a fighter, but.
	And we don't want to just go on the brother, so there you go.
	That's definitely him.
	And I don't know if you're still with the mother of your children or not.
	But I might like to ask her if punching white women is something that's new to you, or is this a pattern that's been going on for a while?
	Yeah.
	Well, if anyone knows the woman in that video, the one who took the punch, feel free to pass this along to her.
	I'm sure that she and law enforcement would love to have a conversation.
	We're a pussy.
	If you sit there at home doxing people and bitching and whining and moaning about the way they behave, you're sitting on your ass.
	This goes back to Meta and the Zuckerberg world, where you don't actually do anything.
	You just talk about yourself and fucking tweet and TikTok and have virtual meetings.
	This guy needs to get his ass kicked in real life.
	And if you don't want to do that and you want to press charges, then call the cops.
	Isn't it funny how he should be charged, right?
	And we have a victim.
	Max and John got charged with no victim.
	So Max and John do four years for fighting Antifa after Antifa said, let's fight.
	And this guy's going to get nothing.
	Even with all this evidence.
	Because of black privilege.
	Well, maybe he's gay.
	You ever thought of that?
	Weird end to the show yesterday.
	I was liking you throwing stuff at Ryan, then boom, it was over.
	Did you have to go to spew or something?
	Anyway, hope you're all right, man.
	Been trying to find a gold dust poster, but no luck.
	Okay.
	I done goofed up Gav.
	Gavin Ryan and Maddie.
	Apologies for the long email.
	We're not going to get to it.
	I'm the guy who wrote that super mean treatise about how you suck at music that you read out on the show.
	While it was no doubt impeccably reasoned, I felt immense regret.
	Like I woke up after a night of drinking offended and I was yelling at my girlfriend.
	Now all sorts of punks and idiots have been given free reign to wane on how Gavin sucks at music, blah, blah, blah.
	Now I like to absolutely clear things up.
	And all of you people suck at music.
	Basically, everyone in the world sucks at music except for maybe five people.
	Shut up, dumbass.
	Look at this.
	Happy Halloween.
	He's the bird, which is the bald eagle.
	Oh, wow.
	Oh, I get it.
	The legs are like eagle's legs.
	That's an interesting costume.
	It is.
	Because it's kind of being a bald eagle and then kind of not.
	And then also somebody sent in.
	Very creative.
	That somebody.
	Yeah, I thought about it.
	I got that.
	And he said she sells prints.
	I don't want gay sex in my bathroom.
	Yeah, that's true.
	And why would you want that on your wall?
	Like, it's funny.
	I like to look at it for two minutes, but like, constantly seeing gays in the throes of passion.
	No, they're not gay.
	I know they're fucking wrestlers.
	But in that depiction, they're homosexuals.
	Homosexuals.
	Ryan and gentlemen, I've noticed Vincent Gallo in the intro to the show.
	What's up with him nowadays?
	Do you know?
	Do you guys know each other from back in the day?
	I've hung out with him a couple times.
	Very, very funny dude.
	Very low-key jokes.
	Like I remember the cover of Vice was a sloth.
	And he saw the picture because it was Terry Richardson's picture.
	So I was going, this will make a good cover.
	And I was holding up the picture.
	And Vincent Gellow said, something like, look at that little dude.
	He looks like a little hairy Harmony Corinne.
	And I looked and he did look exactly like that.
	I thought it was fucking hilarious.
	And I think he Kind of red-pilled me, to be honest.
	Him, Terry, and Seth Goldfarb, Terry's manager, they were like the king hipsters back in the early aughts, and they were not left-wing.
	Very patriotic, very pro-America.
	Old school New Yorkers are pretty right-wing because they have welfare losers in their face.
	Like Agnostic Front and the Cro-Mags.
	Everyone on the West Coast thought they were Nazi skinheads, but they just said, I don't like welfare, and I love this country.
	Because a lot of American poor people back then were Cubans.
	And if anyone knows that socialism sucks, it's someone who escaped Cuba.
	Dear Mr. McInnes and Crew, thank you for all your content.
	I look forward to every show along with AIU, who convinced me to subscribe.
	A while back, you did a bit about getting a haircut with a haircutting helmet.
	This was the funniest bit I've seen anywhere in a while.
	However, after this bit, by the way, my neighbors, one of them is in finance, very intelligent human being, thought it was real.
	However, after this bit, you talked about drinking soap by accident that your son left in the bathroom.
	It was so funny I laughed for days.
	Oh, God.
	This is a nice letter, isn't it?
	Ryan, you're clearly a masterful guitar player, but that doesn't necessarily translate into being a good songwriter.
	Frankly, you suck at writing songs.
	Stick to your strengths.
	Play guitar.
	So that's, I support that.
	I tell Ryan almost every day, don't follow your dreams.
	I support half of what he said, but you're going to want to put a mask on.
	So around your head and when you walk outside.
	And you could hide from the virus.
	How are you so Jewish sounding when you're Italian?
	Did you grow up in the most Jewish part of Brooklyn?
	Did you grow up at the Sinem in Williamsburg?
	Most Italian men, they morph into Jews later on in life.
	Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, he's a Jew now.
	Most old Italians turned into Jews.
	Anthony Cumio.
	Turning into a Jew?
	A little bit.
	Hair's curly.
	He covets.
	And he's good with money now.
	Wants to move south.
	I mean, that's a Jewish.
	Oh, yeah, he is saving money on tax.
	And he did live in Roslyn, which is 100% Jewish.
	You watch.
	He's going to move to the Carolinas, and then after that, he's going to go down to Florida, where people retire.
	And they hide, and they fight, and they vaccine.
	Do they take their dogs for a walk in the park?
	For pork.
	Yep.
	Anyway, this guy is all over the place.
	Here's a song from my youth I think is relevant to these times.
	Remember that it was number one in the charts for weeks.
	It couldn't be made today.
	Joan Baez, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.
	Did you leave a link, my friend?
	Fuck.
	Originally done by the band.
	JB's version is the best.
	How old are you, dude?
	That must be like the early 70s.
	So he's like 70 years old, this guy.
	What year is that?
	Does it say?
	71.
	71.
	This cover.
	So he was like, what?
	Let's give him the youngest we can.
	15 and 71?
	So 51?
	71?
	He's 15, right?
	So he's 16 years older than me?
	51?
	61?
	He's like 72 years old.
	71 or 72.
	Well, one of my favorite songs is Knights in White Satin.
	That's 76.
	And I'm not of that age.
	Great point, Ryan.
	Except for the part where he said, here's a song from my youth, you absolute retarded boob.
	But here's another thing.
	Knights in White Satin's a song from my youth because I heard it when I was a young boy.
	No, it's not from your youth.
	Just because you hear something, it's in your youth.
	Sais vu, sa-va.
	Okay, the Vietnam War was in my youth.
	Actually, it was.
	Gavin has eclectic taste in music.
	I figured I'd ask you if you like Skinny Puppy.
	I now regret their wokeness.
	That's Canadian industrial band from the early 80s.
	I remember them as a kid.
	That's another album I bought because I thought it was punk.
	And then I take it home and it's fucking industrial.
	Annihilate!
	I don't like industrial music.
	It's like people trying to be spooky.
	Spooky.
	So I was never really into them.
	But they're a very talented and successful band.
	They kind of invented industrial in many ways.
	Hey, that's the song.
	I had this album.
	Okay.
	I guess we're done here.
	A last one.
	Vaccine.
	Hey, Gavin and Rye guy.
	Check out this crazy fucking article about Sleepy Joe.
	You know what's nuts?
	Oh, you bastards.
	Don't click on it, Ryan.
	It's a bunch of gay men.
	That's Lemon Party.
	I've been sent that so many times.
	What's it called?
	Wait, that might not be Lemon Party.
	I heard there's Lemon Party where it's old dudes, but I think there's piss involved.
	I didn't see piss.
	Check it.
	So the URL says Biden declares mandatory vaccination for all Americans by October 30th.
	Cops always send me these.
	It's always the San Fran Chronicle.
	And you click on it and it's a tranny or a fucking guy covered in diarrhea.
	All right, let's get to the final vid.
	Love that first Beastie Boys album.
	Not Polywog Stew, but licensed ale.
	And I'm pissed off that they said, no, we were just, we were making fun of jocks.
	No, you weren't.
	It's a joke.
	It's a joke.
	Your entire existence was a joke for several years?
	24 hours a day?
	Well, you're really Daniel Day-Lewis that deduced that.
	What was that?
	The video.
	Of them partying?
	Yes.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	Uh, okay, let's uh let's just check it out.
	Talking that shit right now.
	Stop.
	We obviously are on the side of the woman on the train in the New York City subway thing.
	However, the sass ladies with giant black men.
	I mean, you're both guilty in a way.
	He's a perp.
	He's a thug.
	He's a moron.
	He's a violent asshole.
	But why did you go up to a violent asshole?
	Why did you go kick a pit bull?
	Like, what'd you think?
	Why'd you go to a pit bull like this?
	I mean, I think it's feminism.
	They think they can beat up the world.
	And then this asshole is the worst fighter I've ever seen, the black guy.
	And that little dude, you could tell that he's been in a lot of fights.
	Watch out for the little guys.
	They are not scared of you.
	And they've learned that the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
	Look at these punches, though.
	Look at that.
	Look at that.
	He's bonking her.
	Man, this guy shows up.
	What was that move?
	He's grabbing his...
	He's grabbing at the guy's face.
	Another one.
	Oh.
	What is he doing?
	I need to see that 100 times.
	There's one punch.
	This entire...
	This is a bunch of fights.
	That one gut punch is the only good punch in this entire video.
	What is this move?
	Another one.
	Oh!
	It's like he's trying to steal his hat?
	We gouge his eyes out.
	Good shot.
	Missed.
	Now we're down.
	Oh, shit, they're on him.
	See, what I wanted to show you guys, look at this.
	This is meta.
	Stop, stop, stop.
	This is where we are.
	Even when we're out in real life, we're fucking filming everything so we can put it on social media.
	It's like we want to steal from reality and put it on the internet.
	Stop it.
	If you want to fight that guy, go fight that guy.
	You want to break it up?
	Go break it up.
	You don't need to be constantly accruing experiences and getting them on your social media.
	It's like you're taking away from reality.
	I'm turning into one of these Papua New Guinean tribesmen who think you take your soul when you take a picture.
	Stop taking our souls.
	I fucking hate it.
	It's the selfie culture all over again.
	Everywhere I go, especially proud boys.
	Hey, man, I know you hate selfies.
	Can I get a selfie?
	Hey, man, I know you hate eating rotten donuts.
	Can you eat a rotten donut?
	Like, what is this obsession?
	Get out there.
	This weekend, I want you to do something for me, mostly for you.
	I want you to experience life.
	I want you to savor the moment.
	If this helps, pretend that you lament not spending more time with your kids, or you wish you had been kinder to your wife and more involved in her stories, or you wish you had played golf more.
	You wish you had gone camping with the kids.
	Pretend that you're old, your kids have moved out and you don't see them anymore, and you wish you could go back in time to when they were there.
	And you did it.
	So this weekend, you're time traveling.
	You're from 30 years, 20 years, 10 years from now, and you've gone back.
	And you're, oh, I remember we used to live here.
	Oh, my God.
	My wife looks so much fucking hotter than she does at 80.
	And my kids are home and they're little.
	My cousin was talking about this the other day.
	He goes, I've been really learning to live in the moment and it's an art.
	And I couldn't stop thinking about that.
	Like every sip of beer, maybe not as many as I have, but like this cool thing.
	Oh, a magnifying glass.
	Oh, yeah.
	The Texas way bigger.
	I love these pens.
	I should order more of these.
	This one's kind of running out of ink.
	You know what I mean?
	Experience it.
	Like, you're only going to be childless for another fucking few days, my friend.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So, like, I know she's not exactly portable.
	We went to Tarrytown, met up with my buddy Hodge, who filmed the Copper Cab Doc, and we just had a nice time.
	We went to a farm and pet some of the animals, fed cows, and went on a little walk, smoked cigars, and then ate some of the local fare.
	There we go.
	Perfect example.
	It was a beautiful time.
	Living in the morning.
	I want to go back.
	Get off your computer.
	Get off your phone.
	Like this screen time, screen-free Mondays I do with the kids.
	I get to see them.
	They're not in their room.
	They get bored.
	They come out.
	It's sort of like a tapeworm.
	If you want to get a tapeworm out, you've got to put, you starve yourself, and then you put a thing of warm milk outside your mouth, and it comes out.
	Then you pin it to a pencil, slowly rotate it, and you get the tapeworm out.
	Exact same with kids.
	Take away the screens.
	Call it an experiment.
	It's not a punishment.
	It's a game.
	Put all your phones in a little sand bucket.
	You know the kind you have at the beach?
	I don't know why I'd pictured that.
	Put all the phones in there.
	You can even do something where you debilitate your phone for like 10 hours and it's only a phone phone and it can't do any internet stuff, any apps.
	Try that.
	Don't pursue the Zuckerberg route and stay and live on your computer and experience life through computers.
	You know, we have been developing these skills.
	Here's something I found on the web.
	According to Cambridge.org, I know a bargain when I see one.
	What the fuck?
	What the fuck was that?
	That was actually scoopy.
	I know a bargain.
	God is sending us a message.
	That's Zuckerberg.
	I know a bargain when I see one.
	Speak to me.
	Oh, I know what God is telling us.
	He's saying that what Gavin's talking about is cheap.
	It's free.
	Experiencing life is free.
	You don't need to go.
	Did you just fart?
	No.
	What was that sound?
	I dropped this.
	Oh.
	You don't need money to experience life.
	You know how many fucking people in the world would kill to have your weekend?
	Everyone in Venezuela, two-thirds of the world would kill to have what you consider just a normal weekend.
	Enjoy it.
	It's not a joke.
	Love it.
	But the thing I was going to say before Ryan started farting fanatically is we've developed these skills over the years.
	Like, I'll give you a guy I know at Fox News.
	He goes, I think Ted Cruz is gay.
	And I go, where'd you get that from?
	And he goes, I saw him on a plane once, and the way his wife sort of grimaced when he kissed her, and the way his kids seemed uncomfortable when he was kissing his wife, and he's gay.
	I go, that's the stupidest piece of evidence I've ever heard.
	And he goes, no, it's not.
	He goes, for a quarter of a million years, we've been developing abilities to read people.
	That's how we avoid getting stabbed.
	The people who didn't develop this skill, they got a giant rock on the head.
	So we've learned in person to suss people out.
	Or a cock on the TED.
	Instead of a rock on the head.
	Come on.
	We've developed these abilities to suss people out.
	And do they want to fuck us?
	Do they want to fight us?
	Is this person a good friend of mine?
	Like I was saying earlier about my cousin, just getting along with them at dinner?
	The internet and computers take away that skill.
	And now you're talking to some dumb fucking robot asshole.
	Embrace your instincts.
	Get to know actual people in real life.
	Go talk to them.
	Talk to your Uber driver.
	Get to know the country we live in.
	Because it might not be around forever.
	And if that gets you in a sticky situation, good.
	Get in a sticky situation.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.
	Mikey.
	They couldn't carry a two.

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