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Oct. 29, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:11:32
GOML LIVE #121 - A SHORT SHOW
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Time Text
Now, you know, this is one of the oldest symbols.
Whoa, Ryan is on it.
Damn.
See that?
I tried to fake him out with the paws, and he fucking nailed it.
Nailed it.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
We have Maddie O'Dell!
Everybody.
Maddie Odell on the side speakers over here.
Of course, we have Ryan Catsu Rivera, who, by the way, Maddie and I got here early, and Ryan did not sit with us.
That's correct.
Well, my only reason for that is because, look at this cool new frame that we have.
Pre-roll Tactical Walls.
Tactical Walls.
This episode is brought to you by Tactical Walls.
It's veteran-owned.
Go to www.tacticalwalls.com for the best products in America.
Tactical Walls promo code Gavin, 20% off all orders.
I don't know why we're not watching Tactical Walls Behind Me.
It is tacticalwalls.com.
Go there, talk to the owner, Tactical Tim.
He's available.
20% off all orders.
Ryan, why not bring up a Tactical Wall behind us?
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Four minutes late.
It's still waiting.
This is shocking, dude.
Here we go.
What?
Dude, what happened?
Why'd that take you an entire commercial?
There's a long reason for it.
Okay, let's hear it.
So, see this cool new frame?
Sort of.
Now when I do this, it switches to Maddie, and now it switches the frame back.
So I have to figure out a way how to keep this cool frame.
Wait, what's a frame?
What do you mean, cool frame?
See this frame?
What do you mean this frame?
Look at the frame around the thing.
Oh, that's sort of like weird fade?
Yeah, this is the autumn frame.
Okay.
I spent a lot of time on that.
Okay, total waste of time.
No one cares.
But again, go nuts.
So your stupid autumn frame means we can't see our sponsors promote their products.
It's a seasonal frame, and I apologize to our sponsors.
And to make up for it, here we go.
Here's a lower third.
Okay, you suck.
So yeah, Maddie, how you been?
I went golfing with our friends at our local today.
I was golfing all day.
Yep.
It went well.
We all suck shit.
We actually ran out of balls.
We had 30 balls.
They're all gone.
So Joelle went to the clubhouse in the ninth hole, and he spent $60 on 12 balls.
And they lasted the next hour.
We barely made it to the 18th hole.
So that's $5 a ball, basically.
Woof.
Toast.
It was unbelievable.
Probably cost more than a round of golf.
What a car wreck.
We're assholes.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Are you sad about it?
Scottish, of course he's.
It doesn't feel good when you suck at something.
The rest of the day kind of stinks.
No, I don't feel that way.
I think that if you suck and you play golf and you're with really good players, it's humiliating.
But if they also suck, it's going to be the best and you suck?
Yeah.
It's sort of like a kid crying on a plane.
If a kid cries on the plane, you're like, thank God that's not my kid.
I'm good.
Now, I will say, I was actually thinking about this today as we play golf.
I do get really mad when kids cry in church.
Get them out of there.
It's not working.
They're not listening.
They're a baby.
Get them out of here.
But the thing about a church and a plane is you can't leave a plane.
You die.
You fall to your death.
So we're all together on the plane.
So let's go.
Let's try to calm the baby down.
Get him out of here.
Get out.
That's exactly how I feel.
I've actually heard of old school Brooklyn churches where the priest yells at the kid.
Where he goes, what are we doing here?
Why is this kid screaming her head off?
What's going on over here?
That sounds great.
Never experienced it.
Did you go to church as a kid?
Yeah.
I went to CCD, religious, confirmed, was baptized.
Did my first Holy Communion.
Did a confirmation.
Did you go to church every day as a kid?
No, not every day.
Every Sunday.
Every Sunday, man.
9 o'clock Mass, yeah?
Blessed Sacrament.
Blessed Sacrament.
Why did your mother, out of all the places in the world, choose New Rochelle?
That's where the family who sponsored her for her green card came.
That's where they were.
She was in au-pair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She came over to Nau Pair.
At what age?
16.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
She's probably hot.
She's finished back then, I think, high school, like in 10th grade, 16 or something.
She's probably a sexy teenager.
So she signed off and she went to work for the Lance family.
They owned a big company called Defender Marine Supplies.
I met an old dude at the Legion in local township, and he said your mother had very salty language.
My oof.
Yes.
Like a truck driver.
That pisses me off.
That makes me think less of you, Maddie.
Oh.
That your mother swore.
She was a strict person.
I tend not to fraternize with men whose mothers swore.
That's true.
Veteran-owned.
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We have a whole box of Beard Vet shit by the door.
Why don't you go grab it?
Sean, the owner of BeardVet, is one of us.
He's a good egg.
We like him more than a friend.
Like most of our sponsors, BeardVet is a veteran-owned and operated company.
We support them.
They support us.
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And by the way, you may have noticed I'm wearing one of our most popular Biden shirts.
When Trump does follow through or doesn't would follow through, the exact opposite.
Retard, you don't have to open it.
Just bring me the box.
Stop.
Brian, stop.
This is a Beard Vet box.
What do we got here?
We have the coffee.
The excellence.
We have endless excellence from Beard Vet.
Look at this shit.
One, two, three levels of excellence.
Then we have some sort of pouch thing.
If this was a bomb, by the way, this would be a great way to die.
Look at that.
Beard brush.
Beard brush.
Beard grooming materials.
There seems to be some sort of beard oil, tobacco and patch.
Shouldn't we just send everyone into the military?
Look at when they come out.
They're so disciplined.
And we're going to do for them an awesome commercial song.
I was expecting rock and roll.
I was going to be like, fucking beard vet coffee.
You can put it on your face.
You can put it in your cup and drink it too.
Wait, what?
I was going to say you were guessing that a magical song would just appear?
Yeah.
Beard vet, you can put it in your coffee.
Beard vet, you can put it on your face.
Beard vet, it's got great necks and limbs because they're made by vets in the United States.
Hello!
That's free.
Hey now.
All right, we have 15 minutes left before we go behind the paywall.
My computer is, I guess, in the other room.
Ryan, why don't you explain to Maddie everything you hate about him and why?
Okay, well, first of all, Maddie.
I have no hatred towards you.
Okay.
That's about that.
Get it out in the open.
I don't have any harsh feelings towards the man at all.
Delve deep.
Delve deep.
There's no deepness to the way I feel about you.
It's very nice to know you.
It's pleasant.
Always full of laughs.
You helped me out with Taco Bell the other day.
Hey, for whom the Taco Bell told me.
The Taco Bell tolls.
For whom the Taco Bell tolls.
There is an update with that.
So a friend of the show did something very nice.
Okay.
And they set up a GoFundMe for my tacos.
Nice.
Brian Bailey.
Great guy.
And here it is.
And I think it's going to beat the Joe Carr fund.
The Joe Car fund's up to $400.
This is up to $145 for my tacos.
Wait a minute.
He's got $100.
Joe's car is $400?
Yep.
Holy shit.
$350 about that.
I can't believe that.
It's ridiculous.
Holy shit.
So just to be clear, folks at home who are not understanding what happened here, we discovered last week, 24 hours time seven ago, that Ryan's not allowed to go to Taco Bell.
His wife does not let him go there.
That's not true.
So he tried to surreptitiously circumvent $10 from Maddie Odell, wherein he would use that money to go and get a burrito box, which is $5.
We made fun of him.
He absolved himself of that situation, but he did not.
And he skulked away to Taco Bell in the South Bronx, several blocks away.
And then, coincidentally, Maddie Odell was in the same vicinity because I guess he wanted, I don't know, what did you want?
A chalupa?
I just wanted to go see Ryan.
You did?
So he goes into the parking lot in the South Bronx and he sees Ryan scarfing his face.
They call me Scarf Face.
He goes, what are you doing, dude?
And he's like, what?
Hello, I would like to clear my name.
I never told Ryan he can't have fast food.
I told him, Don't spend money on dumb shit.
I'm pretty sure food does not qualify.
I was talking about not buying more ugly pullovers.
Wait, that's a very British term, isn't it?
In trainers.
And impulse buying from Instagram ads.
I never said no, Taco Bell, and I have no clue where you got that idea from.
That is all from Ryan's wife.
Okay, this lying woman.
This is actually more embarrassing, dude.
No, she's a liar.
I should have never read that.
Okay, let's do both because they're all equally embarrassing.
So did she or did she not tell you you can't eat a Taco Bell?
She said, if we have food at home, I was like, it's a couple of bucks.
And she says, this has happened in the past for sure.
She's been like, we have food at home.
Don't waste money.
I'm like, it's fucking $2.
So that was a conversation that has been had in the past for sure.
Maybe it was a couple weeks ago.
Maybe she feels that we're high on the hog now, but I knew that it would cost me.
Comely old-fashioned, but eating goes by times.
Like if I was with my wife and I went by Taco Bell, I'd go, I want to get something.
And she'd go, well, it's 4 p.m.
We're eating at 5.30.
Don't do that.
But if it was like 11.50 a.m.
And I went, I want to go get something in the Taco Bell drive-thru.
She'd go, well, we're not having dinner until 6 p.m.
I don't give a fuck.
You can eat out a fucking homeless prostitute.
Why would I care what you eat?
Why would she give you permission to do that, though?
That's gross.
I eat five times a day or try to.
So take what I just said as a vessel and tell me what you violated of the vessel in your past.
In the past, I think we were a little tight on cash.
And maybe I was thinking of those times and that factored into deciding the truth.
I didn't say that.
I said, tell me about a scenario wherein you violated your wife's trust by eating something.
Okay, for instance, the other day, right?
We have dinner made, but I want some sides because we're having leftovers.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are we talking about?
The other night, we were having leftovers.
No, it's got to be before this incident.
This was after the incident, which is worse.
Showing that this is not some old thing.
This is still new shit.
So, we have leftovers, and I say, I want to spice it up, though.
Let's get some greens or something.
I'll go to Popeyes, and we'll get like a side from Popeyes.
Wait, you go to Popeyes exclusively for sides?
For side.
Because I thought they had collard greens or something fun.
Like, we need some greens.
Otherwise, I have to drink my green shake.
So, wait, now you're going to Popeyes just for sides?
Just to spice up the leftovers.
But you don't.
Because there's nothing fun about leftovers.
You can't go to a place and just get sides.
Sides are literally named after the word sides.
But we had a main.
What was your main?
It might have been pesto.
No, that was last night.
It was something chickeny.
Yeah.
Okay.
So the point is that Popeyes created sides to go with your main course.
You don't go to Popeyes for sides.
It's pretty close by.
And so I wound up getting Rayo's soup from the supermarket instead.
Oh, you know what it was?
It was latkas.
I made little latkas, potato pancakes.
And then the main was, I forgot, actually, what the main was.
Okay, right now I feel like if I kill you.
Okay, latkas and I forgot.
I feel like if I shot you, no judge in the county would persecute me.
I don't think that.
I think I could murder you and be above the law.
I don't think that's true at all.
And what kind of Rayo soup did you get?
Minestrone.
No pasta fagio.
It's like strone, but smaller.
That's not funny.
Okay.
All right.
Last sponsor.
We're down to the wire here.
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Actually, 50% off.
What?
Yep, we went down.
What?
I decided 20% off was too much.
Damn.
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He's not doing well.
So why don't you support this show and our sponsors and one of our sponsors who's dying of cancer?
Who's going to survive of cancer?
Stick in there, Bub.
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Let's show our love and support to those who support us.
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Promo code Gavin.
All right.
So I like to get a couple of letters in before we go behind the paywall.
Let's do the fucking mailbag song.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a damn.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Okay.
You ready?
Yes.
Gavin being shit-faced.
That's mean.
It's like, no, life's hard.
Please clean up, Gavin, or you'll end up in a bloody coma like me in Bulgaria.
It's like, no.
Life's hard.
Please clean up, Gavin, or you'll end up in a bloody coma like me.
Wait, we have Jordan Peterson on the line.
Jordan Peterson is in the studio.
That's right.
Jordan, are you there?
Yep.
Can I see you?
I'm trying to get Ryan to figure out the damn video.
The bloody video.
But he's not.
You know what I think?
I think that Jordan Peterson stole Clean Your Room from Me.
How do you mean?
And I stole it from a dude named Kennedy who has a self-help book that I worked on with him.
I edited it.
Yeah, I think Jordan Peterson stole Clean Your Room from Me.
You stole Clean Your Room from Me.
I'm sorry.
Wait, where are you?
I don't have him on the ready.
Okay.
Did you guys start late tonight or am I a wheat wad?
Anyway, I'm a coffee slut.
I just ordered Beard Vet Excellence, whole bean coffee from Amazon.
Whatever, you rock.
That's a nice guy.
There you go.
There we go.
That's what we're going for.
Dear Retard and Ryan, not sure if you guys are aware, but the Dyke lady with the cigar in one of the drops, I mean the deb, was not only affirmative action hire, but literally took the place of the man in the original movie.
Yes.
I'm sick of people telling us about shit that we've mentioned on the show.
Yes, the douchebag, what's his name, Elijah Malabad, was replaced by Tegnotaro in this movie, Army of the Dead.
Holy shit.
And he was in trouble for wanting to fuck teenagers, which is horrible, by the way.
Horrible.
But we hate him because he has a whole diatribe about how white some dude was at the gym.
Ugh.
Some big white guy.
Apparently, they shot the entire movie with Chris Delia, but soon after he was accused of this text message shit, so they removed him entirely from the movie and put the Dyke bitch in charge.
Yeah, we know, dude.
I demand you watch the first two minutes of this on your show.
Watch the whole thing, especially after nine minutes.
His rap is so funny.
I bet it sucks.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
You know, it's weird.
I got that letter twice with different emails.
I was hooking up with this chick.
One day, she was on the phone with her family in Jamaica, and she was really in the middle of a heated conversation.
I really had no idea what the fuck she was saying.
And her friend said, give me a picnic in the cabinet, so Mikaton Chat.
I'm like, wow, wow.
So, wait, break that down.
So then I just started.
She started breaking down a lot.
I'm like, how do you say this?
Jack no star.
How do you say that?
Like seven.
She was just telling me how to say different shit.
So I'm like, I'm for like a week.
Like I was really on a Jamaican tip.
And that just happened to be the week of the Golden Gloves.
Yeah, that's chat, you guys.
I am shook.
And frankly, hella confused.
Isn't it funny that she's mad at him for appropriating black culture and then she says hella confused?
Yeah.
I had Jamaicans blowing up my Instagram.
Respect, General.
We are going to come to the island.
You know what I mean?
The Jamaican people showed me that.
Yeah, we know.
We know, we know.
Ancient news, dude.
Thanks for telling us about Chad Atkins being interviewed by that random dude from Channel 5.
This is a production from this dude.
You have a shirt.
I know.
We don't like him anymore, man.
Oh, yeah.
He's a sellout?
What was that?
It's a shot glass.
It broke.
Yeah.
How do you not know that this guy's with the dark side?
I didn't know he was with the dark side.
Dude, Tim Heidecker bought whatever that original thing was called.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't know that?
Pedal to the metal or something?
Yeah.
Well, now I know.
How'd you not know that?
Because I'm indifferent towards our enemies.
You're not.
You fucking.
You have to know who they are.
You have to know our enemies.
Oops.
You have to know what they do.
You have to know what they're about.
I caught that one, but you've knocked over some things.
How can you not know about our fucking enemies?
How can you not know about Tim Heidecker and fucking Vic Berger?
God damn it.
So anyway, Channel 5 is dead.
Sorry.
Channel 5 is dead to us.
Here's a letter from a guy named Aaron.
Pulp Fiction.
Face Swap.
I got a kick out of this and thought you guys might like it as well.
I don't like it.
It's boring and stupid.
I was disappointed to see how old I looked.
This is from 5.46 p.m., Ryan.
There you go.
I'm black.
What do you think of yourself as a black?
That doesn't look too different, which is upsetting.
Except for the jerry curls.
The jerry curls, yes.
I look so old.
You know, you look an old man.
This is from Dakota.
What's up, Gavin?
Rye guy.
You guys got to check out this trailer.
As soon as I saw it, it reminded me of one of Brian Stettler's wife's pussy.
Good for a laugh.
Okay, let's see this trailer.
Candy ass.
That sounds familiar.
We may have actually covered this on the show.
Do You like my shirt?
When Trump does follow through, or doesn't do follow through, or the exact opposite Joe button.
I got a piss.
Yeah, you say his name five times in the mirror, he comes out and kills you.
One, two, three, four, four.
Candy ass.
I wait, hold on a second.
Aren't you guess that fat balding guy on CNN?
Yes, it is I, heterosexual news thinker Brian Steltzer.
Who can take an agenda, cover it in news, sprinkle it with lies and submiss information to the candy ass.
The candy ads?
I like girls.
Some believed it was just a fairy tale.
But they were wrong.
Candy ass.
What's so ooh about it?
You're next, Twinkletoes.
No one is safe.
Candy ass.
Ooh, this one's for you.
Oh.
I don't come for girls.
Only women are safe.
You don't have a brother, do you?
Candy ass.
Coming soon.
Unless you're female.
Absolute shocking garbage.
You could see the wrinkle of his fucking bathing cap.
Next email.
Ryan needs to work on his Brian Stelter.
And someone sent a picture of Island Boy calls Spectrum Customer Service.
Which for some reason Ryan's taking an hour to pull up.
I've already watched it and closed it.
Thank you for calling Spectrum Customer Service.
How can I help you?
I'm sorry, sir.
I cannot understand you.
Can you repeat that, please?
Is this a problem with your phone or internet?
I'm very sorry, I cannot understand a word.
Try unplugging the motor.
Thank you for calling Spectrum Customer Service.
Sprinkles, they ask.
Personally, I say no.
No.
No sprinkles.
Okay, folks, we're going behind the paywall now.
We are going to take calls and enjoy ourselves with our community who pays their bills.
Unlike you, who are watching the show for free.
I highly recommend you spend $10 a month watching Censored.tv.
It takes up more time than you have to dispose looking at this clown world.
And it's an angle on clown world that is funny and irreverent and where you feel.
It's basically you watching the news with yourself because that's how we feel about this shit.
We're normal human beings who think that we are living in a clown world and everything is upside down.
So when you watch us watch the news, you go, oh good, thank God.
I'm not insane.
So yeah, we're going to take some calls and talk about what I just discussed.
But for you cheapskates who don't subscribe to censor.tv, you cannot indulge in these calls.
So get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
My wife was at a strip club once in the 90s and David Lee Roth was next to her.
And she goes, Are you who I think you are?
And he goes, Yeah.
That's all.
He was in Sopranos.
David Lee Roth was?
Yeah.
Where?
In a feature's poker game.
As David Lee Roth?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he was talking about how he itemized condoms.
And I was like, oh, he's playing him.
Cameo.
Pull it up.
I might have to go to my HBO Max.
What?
It wouldn't be on YouTube?
Yeah.
Alright, let's take a call and see how bad you are at taking calls.
Okay.
I'm launching a projectile.
It's dangerous.
It can break things.
And.
That was actually pretty pleasant.
Pleasant.
It was a pleasant toss.
Pleasant toss.
Pleasant toss.
That sounds like a Northwegian cult.
You're an alpaca.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Pleasant Toss.
Hey, Gav, any advice for the hipsters turned conservative types?
They used to dress like the armorer that was working on Rust.
Not a good look in the current political climate.
I've been wearing chemo hats in the interim.
This is a chick, I guess, to signal that I voted for Trump.
Do I just need to give up the docks and cover my tattoos for the rest of my life?
Any advice?
I'm such a good chunk of your female viewership.
We're the same situation.
It's a difficult situation.
Yeah, that's kind of a tough call.
It's kind of out of my league.
I think that the thing about women is if they're pretty and young and slim, it doesn't really matter what your politics are.
Like, you could be the head of the KKK and people would go, well, I'm trying to fix her.
She's pretty hot.
I've got to work it out.
Yeah.
She's a hot moron.
So I would tell you if you're fat, angel, to lose some weight.
But basically, I don't think it's a problem that your politics go against everyone in the world.
Because the beauty of being a female is, I don't know, we like you.
We're attracted to you.
You can literally get away with murder.
All right, let's take some calls.
This is him in Prandos.
After I pulled out the global position and shot.
After I pulled out the position of the position.
The global position.
Always got his eye on the big picture.
Up to you.
I think you got that ace, and I'm not paying you for it.
Ace is over.
Treat trade, my man.
Turn your mic.
Me?
Yep.
Fuck you.
Used to be a great tax loophole, those SUVs.
Told all my clients, write it off on your business.
Accountant dies, goes to heaven.
Same time as the Pope.
St. Peter says, come on in.
And he shows the Pope to this shithouse.
That's where he's going to live, and he gives him a crust of bread.
Then he shows the TPA where he's going to live.
It's a fucking mansion, servants, bronze.
Pope says, he gets a mansion, and I get a hovel?
St. Peter says, your holiness, we got hundreds of popes up here.
This is the first Jewish accountant.
We're right off continent.
What do you get when you're crossing the cotton with a giant jet airplane?
The boring 747.
Uh-oh, they're overlapping.
This is what Joe Matarisse saw when he hosted that thing with Artie, Jim Norton, and Anthony Cumia.
Dude, this is what Joe Matarisse sees every time he opens his eyes.
He just sees the whole world enjoying themselves, and he's just like, I'm not doing so well, though.
Yeah.
People laughing are being nice to me.
This is not good.
All right, let's take a call.
Let's take a call.
Jennifer.
Hey, guys, how are you?
Good.
How you doing?
Hey, Jen.
I'm doing good.
So I'm going to try really hard not to cry on this call.
You are crying.
Uh-oh.
I know.
So one of my closest friends lost her husband suddenly last week.
How?
Excuse me?
How do you die?
Well, it started with COVID and then it turned into pneumonia.
Okay.
Yeah.
So anyway, he was a veteran, and I just wanted to tell you a little bit about him because you would have loved him, Gavin.
He kind of reminds me of you, actually.
You were on the air.
So he served in Desert Storm as a Marine, and then when he came home, he went to the police academy and became a cop.
And after that, he served as a security contractor as an explosive detection canine handler, which basically means he trained bomb-sniffing dogs in Afghanistan.
Anyway, he left behind a wife and three kids and no life insurance.
I have no idea what they're going to do.
The funeral alone was about $20,000.
So I was wondering if it would be okay if I could tell you and your listeners about his GoFundMe page in case anyone wanted to help out.
Sure.
It's certainly more noble than Ryan's Taco Fund.
I know that.
I agree.
Okay, so his name was James Tennessee Waltz, L-A-L-T-Z.
I'm really kicking myself that I never told him about the show because he would have loved you and you would have loved him.
But anyway, sorry to be a bummer, but I just really would appreciate it if people pull it up about it.
Let's pull up the GoFundMe.
Okay, it's James Tennessee Waltz.
You got that, Ryan?
Yeah, I'm searching for it.
And that's W-A-L-T-Z.
Yeah.
W-A-L?
Yeah.
Okay, let's check it out.
Here we are.
Could you try emailing that to me?
It didn't get Tennessee.
Maybe I didn't spell Tennessee correctly.
T-E-N-N-E-S-S-E.
There's two Es at the end.
Tennessee.
Wow, you're really killing the show.
You don't see it?
You're killing the momentum of the show.
Sorry your friend died, but Jesus, we're really.
All right, so we'll pull that up later.
Thank you very much for calling, and we're starting to hear about your pal.
All right.
Thank you.
Y'all have a good one.
Email to Ryan at censored.tv.
I'll also keep looking for it.
Let me see.
That could be a lie.
I don't think that was a lie.
I don't think it was either, but I guess it could be.
My new thing as a 51-year-old is I keep going back over everything anyone's ever told me, and I'm like, that could have been a lie.
Because I take everyone for granted.
I got it.
James Tennessee Waltz Memorial Fund.
$11,000.
That's good.
That's the guy.
All right, next call.
Kate, you're online.
I think you got to tell him.
Hello, you're up, buddy.
Hey, is that me?
That's you.
Very good.
Gavin, I would like to thank you personally from the bottom of my heart, and Ryan, too.
You guys have made a great influence on myself, my friend circle, and my girlfriend.
Maybe my dog, too.
I know Gavin doesn't like dogs, but it's okay.
So your dog is, but your dog has been influenced by the show.
Most likely.
He's in the room whenever we're listening, and you're on pretty much 24-7 at my house.
So I guess.
Can you point him on the phone?
No, he's laying on the ground.
Pick him up.
Oh, he's a big boy.
He's a husky shepherd, and he loves your show.
Pick him up.
Or bring the phone down to him.
Oh, I'm holding him.
He's big.
He's a big boy.
I think that's a lie.
Yeah, you're lying.
You haven't picked him up, dude.
Okay, here.
Come on, Conan.
Come here, boy.
I'm going to pick you up.
Don't dox him.
Yeah, don't dox him.
He's a doxer.
Pick him up.
He's on the bed.
Oh, he's a good boy.
Okay.
Okay, get your mic by his mouth and just make him say something.
Conan, speak.
Speak.
Speak.
We're not going anywhere until that dog speaks.
Okay, so you're clearly lying.
You have no dog in your house.
Oh, no, I do.
No, you don't.
We caught you lying.
That's pretty good.
There you go.
I ever saw you do, which was, do women view sex the same as men?
And it was in your vice era.
Yeah, are women as horny as men was the name of the sketch.
Are women as horny as men, yes.
And I showed it to countless friends who are left, both left and right, and it shocked people.
Minds, lives were changed.
I will forever love you for that video.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now your dog's kind of...
But also, your music taste is shit upon by using.
We only do one thing per caller, so I'm afraid I can't hear you.
Hang up on him, Brian.
Thanks for calling.
Yeah.
You only have one thing you can talk about, especially if the second thing is hurting my feelings.
It'll be erased.
But pull up a woman as horny as men.
That was a fantastic piece of...
That cost me...
People always say to me, why don't you do more sketches?
I go, because those things cost me like $17,000 per sketch.
It's like two days of shooting.
No, it's not worth it.
But I took a sialis for this video, and I had a raging boner for most of the nude scenes.
What are you doing, Ryan?
That wasn't it.
That was an article about it.
Yeah, I know.
Why don't you find the video?
They wouldn't link it.
Well, they can't.
Because I've been banned from everything.
There's somebody online in the meantime.
Robert Vagina?
I just barfed.
Ew.
Yes, Robert Vagina.
I have a vagina, yes.
Boys, my boys, how are we this evening?
Oh, my boys, my boys.
We are the last vestige of beauty.
So we got this election coming up.
Looking forward to putting in that vote for Junkin.
Crazy that it all came down to the CRT stuff.
Honestly, there's a lot more that we got going on.
Personally, I don't think we'll win, but hey, I mean, I think it's neck and neck at the moment.
But what do you think?
I think you sound like my brain.
Are you kidding me?
They said Junkin's in the lead now.
I mean, I agree with everything you just said.
I think that we are at a turning point in American culture.
We're in the midst of a national divorce.
This next election kind of defines the future forever.
We all want it to be DeSantis, but it might not be.
And, you know, you look at history and Trudeau was elected twice.
Fucking Newsom was elected twice.
I don't think it's out of the ordinary for Joe Biden to be elected twice, as crazy as that sounds.
Hey, I mean, I think Virginia is just that crack in the wall that if it just breaks, they're going to shit.
They're trying to get this bill passed, and if they can't get that passed, and if they don't get Virginia, they'll shit.
And then that's the wall.
Yeah.
Virginia could define the future of America if we let it.
But we have to fight back.
And we have to say we're not allowing a second term of Biden because it's the end of America.
Biden is an anti-American.
He is the establishment.
He is the elite.
And the problem with the establishment and the elite is they hate this country.
It's let them eat cake.
They're monarchs.
They're the royalty.
And they want us to suffer under their fucking pen.
I don't even think they think that much about us.
They're just like, I'm the elite.
Fuck everyone else.
And that's the way it goes.
And that's decidedly un-American.
In fact, that's what America was founded on.
America was founded on telling the elites to fuck off.
But we're back to elite control, which is not a good sign.
Next call.
Are you kidding me?
Women are definitely as horny as men.
It is the same.
We are the same.
You're constantly horny.
No, you are horny for Imamatam Yen, guys.
And you're horny, you want to be made love to on the beach.
We want to fuck everything that moves at all times.
So do we!
Oh my god!
Seriously, I watch the Super Bowl.
I object to fight guys all the time.
I watch the Super Bowl so I can get shot at the beach.
That is a lie.
And you said that to me before, and I realize now why it's a lie.
Women just like buns because it sounds empowering.
We like buns because we're gonna eat them.
Like, we're gonna do something with them.
I'm gonna do something with those buns, too.
Oh, my God.
I can't even imagine a world where women are as horny as men.
It's unfathomable.
It doesn't exist.
It's like opposite land.
No, you're full of shit.
That world is happening as we speak.
Wait, bit.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm almost done.
Come on, show me your titties.
Oh, my God.
Come on, squeeze your titties on me.
No.
You know what's interesting?
Stop, stop.
That beautiful buxom blonde in the shot there, she was dating the cameraman, and he proposed to her, and she was like, sorry, too soon.
And she moved on.
They're both single.
Didn't work out.
Like, I can't tell you how many fucking millennials have.
Like, that's one thing.
Women go, oh, we're stuck alone.
No guys hit on us.
No, guys propose to you and you say no.
This bitch said no.
Wow.
Crushed him.
Crushed him.
Sorry, go back to my awesome joke.
Not her.
Not her.
Her.
That's the guy I'm talking about.
That's the director.
Oh, yeah.
And the cameraman.
The worm.
We had to reshoot this scene like 10 times because the girls kept laughing.
In her thigh.
You love it.
See, you could see them cracking up in the corner.
Security, that chick just licked my nipple.
Oh, that chick who's pulling that girl out of there?
Yeah.
She was my wife's bridesmaid.
My wife was her bridesmaid.
They grew up together.
And she recently dumped my wife, who's a liberal, because she's married to a Trump supporter.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I've heard that.
What a fucking bitch.
Unbelievable.
Maria.
They only look at them on Monday.
And so if I'm filling out these forms on Monday.
That was too advanced.
Was that a real trip club?
Yeah.
In Midtown.
Over by the horse stables.
Okay.
Like Jacob Javits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Who's the chick at the barn?
Oh, she's awesome.
Megan Lynch, she's a fascinating human being.
She actually texted me after that video and she goes, you know what?
You're right.
Men are hornier than women.
And you know, her mother went through a horrible experience in the 70s and 80s as a gorgeous babe.
Because that was the advent of divorce.
And if you were super hot, like I don't think if, you know, you, me, and Ryan had super hot wives, which we don't.
Just kidding.
It would mean anything, right?
Because it would just be like, oh, that's the guy with the hot wife.
Maybe she's a model.
But back in the 70s and 80s, when swinging was a thing, if your wife was an insanely hot babe, she was essentially she could ruin the marriage.
So you didn't like her around.
So you frowned upon her.
So even though she wasn't into any fucking swinging shit, Megan's, what's her name?
Megan Nurenger.
Megan Nurenger's mother got all this shit and was ostracized by the local housewives.
Even though she never did anything but be gorgeous.
No one ever talks about that.
There should be a thing about that.
The like beautyism of the 70s and 80s.
And then she had a Megan had a twin brother who I think died in a fucking car wreck.
Oh, Jesus.
She's an identical twin, and her identical twin, no, her heterogeneous twin died in a car wreck.
Anyway, she's on the liberal side of all this shit.
And I've done nothing but kiss her ass and love her, but the lefts fucked her to death.
Speaking of which, we have Joe calling about Jim's goals, Jim Goad's most recent hardball.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Hey, man.
What's going on?
I know you like busting balls.
If I could get an assist from Ryan, if you can get a still up of Jim Goad's most recent hardballs, take a look at the photo.
Alright, let's see.
Okay.
What's going to happen when we look at this photo?
Well, you're also a fashion icon?
Take a look at his shirt.
Which guy?
Oh, you mean, okay.
Not the thumbnail.
You mean the extra show?
Okay, hold on a second.
Yeah, we're not doing the thumbnail.
Whose shirt is that?
So we don't like Jim's shirt.
Start the show, and right from the start, just stop it anywhere.
Gotcha.
Yeah, we see it, the red shirt.
We see the red shirt, yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven buttons.
That is a lot of buttons.
That's a woman's shirt.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think it's...
I don't agree with you.
I think that he's being adventurous with the polo, and I like to see it.
Polo should be experimented with, and he's doing a great job.
The buttons are on the wrong side.
There's a different.
Thank you for calling, sir.
You're being censored.
See, we look out for our people, our fans in this fam.
We censor people to criticize our staff.
And if they wear girl shirts, which they're not, which they're not, then we hang up on your ass.
Yeah.
Gavin's French-Canadian accent.
That's a fun subject.
You're on the line.
Gavin!
I like the way your air moves around in the hair.
Is this Robbie Dellon?
No, Gavin, this is one of my favorite voices you do, and you never do it anymore.
I was wondering if you remember a story you told about one time you and your friend were fighting on the ice, I think, somewhere, and a French-Canadian cop came up to you there and said, I see you guys are doing some kind of ancient rituals and let you fight it out, luck.
Do you remember what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Simon Briscoe.
Can you add that story?
Who was it?
Simon from that band.
Isn't his name Simon Briscoe?
I have no idea, but I wish you would add that story to your greatest hitch.
It's my favorite story.
You have not told it in like a year.
Okay, I'll tell it now.
Yes?
All right, here's a story.
So Feist Records started out in the early 90s with Feist magazine, and we signed a bunch of bands, but it didn't mean anything when we signed your band because we were just a place where we would print your cassettes and CDs.
That's what being signed independently means.
It means nothing.
It means you're in control.
You're essentially, it's like having your own YouTube channel.
It makes a lot more sense to young people now.
But back in the early aughts, they were like, this guy's getting rich off me.
No, no, no, no.
There's two options as a band.
You're either signed by Universal and there's a tour and you're opening for Nirvana and everyone's making a billion dollars, or I handle it and we go door to door and we sell like a thousand CDs and you get 600 of them.
You get it?
So Vice Records was that.
It was an independent record label.
No one was getting rich.
We were promoting it through the magazine.
Basically, that's all it was.
It was free ads in a magazine.
But at the end of the day, it was still like, we'll print a bunch of CDs and we'll send them to various towns you're touring in.
But yeah, no one's making money.
So as is the want of our generation, it got into everyone's heads that Vice was rich.
And we were getting rich off of these dumb bands, which is obviously false.
Like, you can just guess it's false.
And Simon, someone, and this other guy, Adam, that was in another band.
What the fuck was that band called?
Anyway, I was at the bar at the Biftech St. Laurent in Montreal.
And I could tell they were talking about me.
And they were saying Feist made all this money off of us.
And we never got a penny and blah, blah, blah, which is just dumb.
So I look over at Simon and I'm like, what's going on now?
And I know he's drunk enough to do something.
He's a Canadian.
This is something Americans don't get.
Canadians fight all the time.
I think it's a hockey thing.
It could just be for like your mother farted on a Thursday.
They're going to fight.
So I knew a fight was coming.
So he walks over and I'm like, what's going on now?
And he fucking whacks me in the side of the head so loud that it shakes my entire foundations.
I hear this like, whack.
Like it was a wake-up call.
I didn't know.
I thought he was going to punch me, but he whacked me.
And when he whacked me in the side of the head, it was the loudest thing I've ever heard.
I went backwards.
I got up and I said, I went to punch him back.
The owner of the bar, which was a Portuguese guy, Portuguese people, they're very special.
And he jumped over the bar of Sailoron Bifdeck at me and, like a little flying lizard, jumped, grabbed me, and gave me to the bouncers, and they threw me out.
So the next night, I went back to fight Simon because I had been disgraced.
So I went there and I bumped into Shane Smith, who I've started Vice with.
And he's like, what are you doing?
And I go, I'm going to go fight Simon because he fucking disgraced me last night.
And Shane goes, well, let's have a nice dinner and make it a big event.
And I thought, that's kind of a cool concept.
So we went to L'Express on Saint-Denis and had a delicious meal.
I had the moule and we had some red wine.
And then we went over to there to go fight Simon.
So we go back there and I go to fight Simon and Shane pushes me aside.
He goes, I'm fighting him.
Okay.
And then Simon's like, wait a minute.
This is like two guys two-on-one.
And I go, Simon, it's not two-on-one.
It's one-on-one unless one of us starts losing and then we'll cheat and then it'll be a two-on-one.
So Shane is just sort of jouncing with him.
He's not really fighting him.
So I push Shane aside.
I go, I'm going to handle this.
So I start nailing Simon, punching him in the head, punching him in the body.
He gets on top of me and he bites through my ear.
And I feel nothing but heat as he bites my ear.
I wish we could look this guy up.
Simon, what the fuck was a band he was in?
Anyway, I feel nothing but heat.
I'm bleeding like crazy.
He bit through my ear.
And the police show up and they go, what's going on here?
And the female cop, the French cop, goes, in French, she said, what the fuck's happening?
And I said, do you want to know the truth?
And she goes, yeah.
And I go, okay, here's the truth.
This asshole thinks I made tons of money off him.
He slapped me in the face last week.
I came this week to fuck him up and he bit through my ear.
And she goes, I can't tell if you're kidding or not.
I go, that's the story.
So anyway, when that was done, Shane and I are alone and, you know, the cops have left.
And I go, I got to go to the hospital.
I mean, he bit through my ear.
I can feel it like stinging.
And he goes, dude, you can't go to the hospital.
He goes, if you go to the hospital, the story is Gavin McInnes got wrecked by Simon, ah, fuck, I want to say Powell?
And then he came back to Simon's bar and he ended up in the hospital.
It doesn't matter if you're lying in a hospital bed or not.
The fact that you were at a hospital means you ended up in the hospital.
And I was like, dude, you're right.
I can't fucking go to the hospital.
I'll be the guy in the hospital.
So I waited a day.
Meanwhile, my ear is rotting.
It's infected.
It's like gangrenous.
It's growing.
It's getting worse and worse.
It hurts like shit.
So then I go a year.
A day later, I go to the same hospital.
It's Canada.
Everything's covered.
And I tell him what I just told you.
And he goes, are you kidding me?
And I go, no, that's the actual story.
And he goes, that's very romantic.
I don't usually get such romantic stories.
And then I go, where are you from?
And he's like, I'm from Argentina.
And he's like, you know, older than me, like 70 when I'm 50.
And I go, wait a minute, that's Che Guevara's age.
And then, and this, by the way, this could all be bullshit.
I'm open to bullshit.
But I said, I'm reading this book on Shea Guevara about the 70s and the revolution in Cuba.
And you're that age, and you're a doctor, and you're Argentinian.
He goes, yes, I knew him well.
He said that Shea Guevara, or more importantly, Fidel Castro, was this weird bumbling buffoon where they were, I guess they were in like Florida at the time.
I don't know.
And Fidel got this boat, this big boat called the Big Mama or something.
And he decided he was going to take it to Cuba and start a revolution.
And they all mocked him.
And then he took it over the water.
He did it.
He did start a revolution.
He did take over Cuba.
He did become the president of Cuba.
And being good at it, if you will.
And then he invited them over for these big dinners where he would gloat, which you're allowed to do when you take over a country.
And he also said Shea Guevara would come to various hospitals.
I don't know if they were in Cuba or where they were, but he would have these strange diagnoses.
And you were told as a doctor to ignore what Shay said because Shay's a retard.
And if he said like this person needs an ass transplant, you go, okay, great advice.
Yeah, we'll get to that soon, probably like next week, and like shuffle the person along and not do anything about it.
But yeah, that's my story of fighting Simon someone in Montreal.
Jarvis, pull up Simon's last name.
I'll wait.
I got to say, this took longer than when Thor had to beat Loki at the top of the Adventors building.
I'm Robert Downey Miller.
Okay, last call.
I'll find Simon.
I'll bring him up tomorrow.
We have.
Like I stood on the line the whole time.
Vincent.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi, Gabby.
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm calling from Canada.
I just wanted to tell you about a little thing that's happening here that I'm a part of and wanted to thank you for helping me sort of get through it.
Okay.
What's the thing?
Yeah.
So I'm an employee for Toronto Transit, and I'm a mechanic here.
I'm refusing to go along with the vaccine mandate.
And so as of November 20th, I'll be put on unpaid leave.
And then December 31st, me and a number of other people that I know will be terminated with cause.
That's insane.
Oh, yeah.
It's insane overreach.
And seeing everyone else, like doctors, nurses, people of high moral standing and people who are smart, like there's those people at Los Alamos nuclear weapons place,
the scientists there, they're leaving.
And it's like, okay, you know, they seem like smart people.
So, yeah, that's what's going on here.
That's what I'm a part of.
And listening to the show has been has helped.
So how many people are going to be losing their jobs?
In transit, in the Toronto transit system, so we're 11,000 members total.
And they were saying internally 40% or so hadn't submitted their vaccination status.
So whether that holds or whether more people cave, I'm not too sure.
Wow.
So we're talking about 4,000 jobs, basically.
You have friends that you work with.
What are they saying?
Well, we've been on the same page pretty well for quite a while now that this is all crazy and that the information that's being put out is really misleading.
And then the mandates are coming along and you realize after a certain point that it's no longer about health, it's about control.
And so we all kind of looked at each other and thought, oh, fuck, we're losing our jobs.
It's a lot better kind of for us because we're mechanics.
We have a license we can kind of pick up and get going anywhere.
There are some people here, though, that are like, they're janitors, they're like lower level people, and they're still like standing up to this thing.
So that kind of, I don't know, that makes me want to want to fight harder because it's like this person has, you know, nothing to fall back on and they're still standing up to this.
Yeah, that's crazy.
So the average person you speak to says, I'm adamantly against this, but it's happening to us all anyway.
Like, there's some people that go, maybe I should get it.
There are definitely those.
And like, you know, there are people on my ship that have gotten it.
You know, they're like, oh, you know, there's no sense fighting it or anything like that.
And like, I get it.
You know, some people, they're much older.
They have a lot of time here.
Like, they're not really going to jeopardize that for, you know, for the vaccine.
I don't think they realize, you know, where this is heading and that this is never going to end.
You know, you're going to need infinite boosters forever and ever in order to ensure the safety of everybody else.
You know, if you don't get it, you're a filthy unvaccinated just like us.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird because everyone who supports it, and by the way, I'm not that adamantly against it.
My wife got it.
My kids got it.
It's not a big deal to me, actually.
I don't think it makes you infertile.
I just don't like someone telling me what to do.
And I think that a lot of these people in the South, especially, are getting confronted with these demands where they go, no, I'm not doing that.
That's what the Civil War was based on, by the way.
It was not based on slavery.
It was based on the South going, yeah, no, I'm not, you're not telling me what to do.
They didn't know what the detail could have been like, everyone has to wear top hats.
And they would have been equally angry about it.
Anyway, thanks for calling, buddy.
We got to go.
It's fucking 10.15.
We'll see you tomorrow.
I like you more than a friend.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
You better find yourself a friend.
I told you before.
Hey, just kidding.
We're trying to get rid of all the gullible idiots that subscribe.
We know that it's not supposed to end this early.
It would be an hour early if we had ended.
That was funny.
A funny trick.
Do we take more calls?
No, let's just stop the show.
Okay, so we're back to okay.
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