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Aug. 17, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:57:48

S04E18 - KABUL HAS FALLEN

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	Live from New York, it's Get Up My One with Devin McGuinness.
	That was Rock the Casbah.
	Welcome.
	I am back.
	I had to say, Ryan did a show as me saying that I was back already.
	That was not true.
	That was him wearing a fake beard.
	Yes.
	Doing an imitation of me where he goes like this a lot.
	Apparently, that's a thing that I do.
	That's one tiny facet of my multilingual personality.
	I know this.
	But Jordan Peterson doesn't always cry, but it's the best way to impersonate him.
	And that's Jordan Peterson.
	Clean your room.
	Yeah, but he doesn't always say that.
	He says a lot of things.
	But that's the thing that I got to...
	That was your hook.
	I was listening to that North Korean chick on his show, as well as on Joe Rogan.
	And it's a great way to lose weight.
	Listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with the North Korean girl because she talks about rats eating children's eyes.
	And my wife and I said, we're not having dinner tonight now.
	Anyway, that was yesterday.
	That was the last day of my vacation.
	I'm here now.
	And a lot going on.
	I chose Rock the Kazbah because Joe Strummer's a rich kid.
	And he's traveled all over the world.
	And he knows other cultures.
	And he knows when they suck.
	Iran sucks.
	And so this was like 82.
	Topperhead and the drummer wrote it.
	But Joe Strummer had a lot to do with it too.
	And it's basically saying that these fucking Iranian clerics, these Muslim clerics are shitty and fuck Iran.
	It's an anti-Muslim song.
	They've tried to whitewash it and say, no, no, no.
	We were just saying we heard that you could get whipped if you had a disco record in Iran.
	And we were banned from Iran.
	We couldn't play there.
	So we were just saying, fuck this place.
	And I'm like, yeah, yeah.
	Fuck this place now.
	Mick Jones has his face covered in this video for some weird reason.
	This was their only hit in America.
	Anyway, I chose that because, as you know, I'm not a big fan of Islam.
	And we are seeing them flourish now that we've left.
	There's ways to exit a country, Joe, Biden.
	First of all, you destroy your weapons.
	If it's too expensive to ship the Hummers home, blow them up, burn them, wreck them.
	But they didn't do that because Joe Biden is a retard, and he's obviously not running the show, but the people running the show are equally stupid.
	Susan Rice, that's who's running the show?
	Valerie Jarrett?
	Who's behind the curtain?
	Whoever they are, they are incompetent.
	And they've left Mr. Magoo, who, by the way, is getting thrown under the bust like Cuomo.
	Just like the rats eating those kids in North Korea, the left are cannibalizing each other, and the white males are the first to go.
	So they already killed Cuomo overnight.
	That was so fast.
	And now Joe Biden, his idea of leaving was just to get the troops out.
	That's it.
	So the troops have left, and the Taliban goes, not only am I going to take over all the land you spent, what, 800 billion in 20 years trying to procure, not only am I going to go take it over, I'm going to take all your shit too.
	So they are doing a real insurrection.
	Not an old lady wandering around, not guys taking selfies, not someone stealing a podium as a joke, but an actual takeover of the country, just like Iran in 79.
	And it will be just as bad for the residents there.
	But I don't care.
	I don't fucking care.
	You should care.
	They're going to get stronger than they're going to come attack us.
	Okay, we'll deal with that.
	I have a feeling there'll be less American casualties than there have been in the past 20 years of being over there, up in their shitty fucking country.
	These are inbreds.
	The Taliban are inbred retards.
	And one of the conditions of inbreeding is you're a violent asshole who like just cuts a dog's ears off for fun.
	That's what they do.
	That's who they are.
	They take over a farm.
	They just shoot the animals.
	They'll shoot a donkey just for fun.
	They're like, imagine, you know when you're a seven-year-old and there's that weird seven-year-old who like takes a frog and pins it to a tree with two knives and then he's whipping knives at the frog.
	And as a little kid, you sort of go, I got a weird vibe from that Donnie dude.
	Ours was named Steve.
	I won't say his last name.
	He might still be alive.
	But I remember him grabbing a garter snake.
	We used to always catch snakes in Canada.
	And he took the tongue, grabbed the tongue and pulled it out of the snake.
	Like, our bad one was.
	I was like six and I remember going, that's a bad man.
	Yeah.
	That's the Taliban.
	What were you?
	Our weird one would never do that.
	Evan, he wouldn't do that.
	He would just like do very mean things to people.
	And then in high school, we had Clinton Bedecki, who we broke into the gym.
	We were doing dumb things like pulling the gymnastic mats under the basketball hoops.
	So then you could jump and do a flip off the basketball net onto the mat.
	And as we're laughing, doing silly, harmless things that only put our own lives in jeopardy, Clinton grabs the school stereo.
	This is in the 70s where there's like a stereo is a big deal.
	He picks it up and he goes, and whips it off the stage onto the gym floor where it shatters into a million pieces.
	And that was stereos were like really expensive back then.
	If you, in your living room, you had your TV and your stereo.
	It was like your car.
	People broke into your house to steal your stereo.
	Your speakers alone were on a mortgage payment plan.
	So we went, what the fuck?
	And we ran out screaming.
	But let's look at why we lost.
	While everyone, go to the next picture.
	While everyone is getting more and more savage, we are focused on this.
	Diversity, inclusion, white rage, critical race theory, slavery, Jim Crow, transgender, LGBT.
	Let's, instead of practicing fighting, let's work on our pronouns.
	I'm an isolationist.
	I've always wanted to get out of Afghanistan.
	I don't know why we were there.
	I'm very suspicious of why we're there.
	I suspect CIA and globalists benefiting from opium sales.
	I think it's about opium.
	It's about heroin somewhere.
	Someone's getting very rich off of heroin sales.
	The military-industrial complex, of course, makes money from all the contractors, whatever, going down there, building all these stupid weapons.
	But I don't want it.
	However, there's ways that you can do this without total and utter chaos.
	And we have total and utter chaos.
	We have the worst president we've ever had.
	Jimmy Carter just stepped down.
	You're now in the number two spot of terrible.
	And there's probably some at the beginning like that dude named Garfield who loved lasagna and hated Mondays.
	Look at the class of people, though, that we're worrying about.
	Like, we're trying to bring these people democracy.
	They think you can jump on the side of a plane.
	What do planes go?
	I think they go 300 to 500 miles an hour.
	It's not a hot air balloon.
	Oh, I know.
	You're thinking of a bus or a truck.
	Yes.
	You'll notice garbage men, they hold on to the side of the garbage truck and they do just fine.
	I've never heard of a garbage man getting in an accident.
	They hold on tight.
	Planes are different.
	You see, if we have anyone in the Middle East watching, let me just tell you what a plane does.
	It goes slow at first, 10 miles an hour, but it very quickly accelerates to 100 miles an hour and it starts to lift off.
	Then it climbs for, I think, about 35,000 feet.
	At that point, it's going a good, in order to get that thing to not crash, it has to go very, very fast.
	It has to whip through the air.
	Look at these inbred morons.
	Did some make it that high?
	Oh my God.
	Oh my God.
	Like, that's just animals.
	These are animals.
	Dogs would jump on the side of a plane.
	How...
	And by the way, no one sat me down and said, you can't hang on to the edge of a plane.
	Not once has anyone said that to me.
	I figured it out.
	All on my own.
	That's how smart I am.
	I sat there looking at a plane and went, I'm going to guess you can't hold on to the side of that.
	You do some math first, maybe?
	No, I didn't have to.
	You didn't know math.
	I just sat alone in an armchair and went, yeah, you're going to get blown off.
	By the wind or something?
	Yeah.
	It's going to be pretty windy.
	That's pretty smart.
	I had to get out of paper and pen.
	You mean, you see those stuntmen, they strap themselves onto those little planes, right?
	I assume, go a fraction of the speed.
	And they're like, and they've got poles and steel and leather and belts and harnesses and goggles.
	They're not just like, gotcha.
	And another thing I've noticed about this shit show that is Kabul is they have a motto in this culture, and it's women and children last.
	You'll notice it's 100% men.
	I've noticed this with refugees too, and they go, they're just looking for a better place to live.
	And you're like, where are the women and children?
	These are all men of warfighting age.
	I'm so weirded out by all the Americans there saying, our home was just ransacked and they slaughtered our dog and we can't get out.
	Like, yeah, what did you think?
	You're in Afghanistan.
	Like, you might as well be in South Africa saying, we're under siege and we don't know what to do.
	You're in South Africa.
	I mean, I understand people want to stay and fight for their country like they do in South Africa, but surely you know that the talks are ticking.
	Like that Diantward song where they say we see a police block and we just power through it because we know the cops will kill us.
	Look at that.
	Women and children last.
	Can I see your boarding pass, please, sir?
	Oh, sorry, that's too big for carry-on.
	You're going to have to check that.
	I'm assuming there's not a lot of airport security going on here.
	Look, just run and get on a plane.
	What a nightmare.
	I mean, that's in a lot of horror movies.
	How many horror movies, sci-fi action movies have you seen where it's a man and his family?
	It's zombie movies like that World War Z, and they're trying to get them on the boat, and they get separated from their family.
	No, no.
	They're in a shitty, scary action movie.
	Go to 1-4.
	This is the insurrection.
	Insurrection is the order.
	Yeah, I love this.
	Twitter is so much better than the news.
	Like, the New York Post right now, the front page on their website is those dummies we just saw.
	I've seen those people hang on the plane since yesterday.
	So Twitter is way faster.
	If you look closely, you can spot the difference.
	So there's the January 6th meandering.
	Although I've heard that picture was from another day, but that's what the meandering looked like, right?
	That's what it was.
	That's the threat.
	That's what, what's her name, AOC has PTSD from.
	This is an insurrection.
	Like, Nancy got her desk back.
	No one's getting their desk back here.
	You're done.
	That's, look at my eyes.
	This is my desk now.
	I own this desk.
	Look at these fucking animals.
	Hey, nobody has their feet on that desk, though, to be fair.
	Yeah, no feet on the desk.
	There's no humor in the Middle East whatsoever.
	Who's your favorite Taliban stand-up comedian?
	Mitch Hedberg.
	Mahachmed Mohammad Machin Mahmahad.
	Mohammed Mohammed.
	I made up a Mitch Hedberg bit.
	Although they did crack up.
	Did you see that interview that Weiss had?
	Shoot, I forgot to put it in my notes.
	Where she says, and this, I can send it to you if you can't find it.
	This beautifully summarizes, it was on Showtime, the naivete of the West.
	She says, so as you move forward, as the Taliban, this is, by the way, three days after Gen Saki said, the Taliban's going to have to work out what they want their place to be in the modern world and how they want to be perceived.
	Yeah, they're really worried about how they're perceived.
	They fucking, they're animals.
	This is like Genghis Khan.
	This is like the Crusades.
	These are just warrior, mongrel, pig, inbred lunatics who want to eat babies.
	Here it is.
	Look at this.
	This sums it up.
	Would that still include women's rights and a democracy?
	So would you believe in the democratic vote, though?
	So would people be allowed to vote in women, politicians?
	See, I guess they do have a sense of humor.
	Their jokes are us.
	We are the joke.
	We are the laughing stock.
	Would you have, yeah, would you have a trans leader, Taliban?
	I think I could get beheaded just for saying that.
	Hey, Taliban.
	Would you ever have a trans leader?
	Yeah, this is not a meandering.
	Go to 1-5.
	There we go.
	They're there to stay.
	And I don't care.
	I mean, it's sad.
	Trump would have had a much more effective way to leave.
	We wouldn't be leaving them weapons.
	They'd get some better dictator, maybe throw him in there, give him some guns, and say, blow up the Taliban with this.
	We're out.
	And we wouldn't see the same level of death and destruction.
	But I don't care.
	I don't care about the third world.
	Go ahead.
	It's sad that Iran used to be like us in the 60s and 70s, and now they're like this.
	But I don't care about Iran.
	Biden wanted to delay Trump's date for getting out of Afghanistan, but then he would have gotten the credit for it.
	So Biden said, oh, let's just push it back.
	And that delegitimized the Afghanistan government.
	So the Taliban used that to go to the different tribes and be like, look, they fucking, nobody respects the government.
	They fucking pushed the date back.
	They had an agreement.
	And Trump knows the Easter of the Asian world.
	And that means a lot.
	Like when you.
	All they care about is strength.
	Like when SACI says they have to see what their place is going to be.
	The Arab world, this includes Palestinians, everything, all they care about is strength, including admiring you for attacking them.
	You blow up a base, they go, hmm, not bad.
	They're like boxers.
	You punch them in the face and they go, good punch.
	Oh, I've got a fight coming up, by the way.
	No.
	Yeah, I'm going to try to get into the seniors.
	I forget what it's called.
	It's called like the seniors commonwealth.
	No.
	I'll be the youngest guy there.
	So I'll just be fighting Santa Claus.
	That is funny.
	Praying that he didn't.
	I don't know what's more shameful, having to be in a seniors boxing thing or being the youngest guy in the seniors boxing thing.
	Hey, the two are not mutually exclusive.
	They're both very embarrassing.
	But I'm not fighting some fucking 20-year-old and getting pugilistic dementia.
	I'm giving somebody pugilistic dementia.
	I'm hoping to cure his dementia.
	I might reset his hard drive.
	He might be like, I can recognize my kids all of a sudden.
	Thank you.
	1-6, though.
	Not to say that there's no meandering going on.
	That's the beauty of taking over a palace.
	You can be violent.
	You sit at the desk forever.
	And you also fug around.
	By the way, this shows how low their IQ is.
	Look at them.
	Look at this guy on this machine.
	Oh, I'm going backwards.
	He doesn't even have his hands on the right thing.
	And just like the planes thing, no one taught me how to use those things.
	I didn't take a night course.
	I just figured it out.
	That guy's going to hurt himself very badly with that barbell.
	He's going to throw his back clown.
	Pretty quick.
	Look at his little pencil arms.
	This probably goes like this.
	They got that one right.
	You probably hang on this or something.
	What do you do here?
	That was my favorite part.
	That one is your fave?
	But he's doing it right, isn't he?
	He's got a good amount of weight.
	No, that guy's fine.
	This guy right here.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's.
	I have to drink my eggs.
	That just reminded me.
	Oh, yeah.
	You're getting swole.
	I'm trying.
	Is that because I threaten you so much?
	You're scared of me?
	No, to defend you against any.
	I'm basically your bodyguard.
	If we're going out, if we go do something, I want to make sure my you're the cash cow.
	But look, I don't look like me anymore.
	My hair is on vacation.
	My hair and beard grew out.
	I didn't recognize you.
	I'm Santa's friend.
	Santa's understudy.
	I'm Santa's accountant.
	Yeah, I'm Santa's top investor.
	So Santa, what you're going to know how to do is you spend a lot of money on wood, and the elves, of course, are going to raise their salary.
	But I think if you take back the wood, you're looking at carbon fiber, maybe some of the...
	We don't pay the elves at all.
	That sucks.
	It's their culture.
	This is pretty tough.
	Have you ever done this before?
	Yeah, I remember doing that when I was a kid.
	It doesn't suck that bad.
	By kid, I mean your age.
	But you just try to.
	It's fine.
	They just slither down.
	It's not like it's juicy.
	So you do swallow.
	Oh, there's a few gags there.
	You like that chicken jizz?
	You just ate chicken abortions.
	It's just that it was cold.
	You wouldn't believe how often in Costa Rica I saw a chicken cross the road.
	And it was doing it to get to the other side.
	And then my son, my eldest boy, goes, you know what that joke's really about?
	He knows he's going to get killed crossing the road.
	He's crossing to the other side like death.
	it's a suicide joke.
	Whoa.
	Okay.
	Wait, that's a dope take, though.
	I made up a Mitch Hedberg.
	Did I tell you?
	You want to hear it?
	No, yeah.
	So I was, you know, talking to my friend.
	I was like, make up a Mitch Hedberg joke.
	He's like, that's pretty hard.
	And I was like, I got one.
	And I was on the bed, and I was like, I was like, so you cannot take the tag off of the mattress or you will get in trouble.
	Well, if you are trying to get me in trouble and you are looking at my bed, you are not invited in my room.
	And then it's like, this is terrible.
	They took me to jail and the mattress I was on had no tag.
	I think I know how the bed got there because it had no tag.
	And so if you have no tag, then you also go to jail.
	It's too complicated.
	Mitch Hedberg has jokes that kids can enjoy.
	Like, a bed is a chair for when you're tired.
	That's pretty true.
	A bed is a long chair that's very wide.
	It needs some trimming.
	If you are trying to get me in trouble by the condition of my bed, then you are not invited in my room.
	That's basically it.
	That should just be the end there.
	What about like the first bed?
	The man who made the first bed slept in a lot.
	No, that's not good.
	What is a box spring?
	Why does a bed need to lie on a bed?
	No, why does a bed need to lie on a less comfortable bed?
	Even a bed needs a bed.
	A box spring is a bed for a bed.
	A box spring is not whatever Paul Basile used it for.
	A pillow is a head bed.
	A pillow is just a bed for your head.
	Hey.
	Now I'm sounding black for your head.
	Who is this clown, by the way?
	I'm me.
	I'm you.
	What?
	I want to talk about my vacation.
	No, I'm doing my news show.
	We're catching people up.
	Kabul has fallen.
	You know how in the 50s, when you came, or the 60s, I don't know, the 80s, when you came back from a trip, you'd have a slideshow.
	Chakun, chagunk, you'd have slides, and you'd show the neighbors your trip.
	No.
	I want to do that because I was gone for a long time.
	Okay, fine.
	Make it snappy, though.
	Thank you.
	No one wants to see vacation pics.
	Hello, folks.
	I just got back from Costa Rica, and we usually go to Jamaica, but this time we decided to Costa Rica.
	What's that fucking thing?
	Stop getting alerts when we're shooting.
	It's obviously distracting.
	It's designed to distract.
	It's a notification.
	I just scared the dog.
	We have the dog at the studio today.
	Leroy, come here.
	Come here, buddy.
	Come here.
	Come here.
	Come here.
	Come here.
	Come here.
	There you go.
	So I broke it down into some different groups, but before we get started, I just want to say that traveling in America in 2021 sucks.
	So much shit.
	Especially in America, especially in New York City, and especially JFK.
	It is the shittiest airport.
	Well, it's not as bad as Kabul, but it's one of the shittiest airports in the world.
	It's third world.
	And ironically, when I was in Costa Rica, San Jose Airport, Liberia Airport, which was the one we left from, it was like Zurich.
	I was in the future.
	I thought I was in the Jetsons.
	It could not have been better.
	Couldn't have been more efficient.
	We are getting our asses handed to us by the third world.
	Costa Rica, the average salary for middle-class person is $700 a month.
	Working class people is more like $300, $400 a month.
	It's a poor country and they are kicking our ass.
	And I've got to say, I want to word this delicately because we live in very contentious times racially.
	But there was a particular demographic at the airports that I was having quite a few issues with.
	I got a picture of one of the guys.
	I lost a picture, which I don't understand.
	I think sometimes if you take a picture and you just text it right away, it's not saved to your photos.
	So there was one guy who was in the lineup at JFK to check his bags.
	This isn't the guy.
	This is a picture I didn't lose.
	But this is just, no, no, go back to him.
	This is just an annoying dude.
	He's got a suit on with white socks and slides and a baseball hat and a backpack.
	Like, don't even have a backpack when you have a suit, but you're traveling.
	I'll forgive this.
	The baseball hat with the suit, what?
	And then slides.
	So he's like seven different outfits.
	And what you can't see here is he has a shirt like this on underneath his suit.
	And it's, of course, it's double-breasted because he's retarded.
	But this was the same line.
	So let me go back.
	Let me go back.
	So it's the night before.
	And I wake up at three and I just got a bad feeling.
	We're actually at the TWA Hotel, which is really nice.
	I'll get to that in a second.
	It's a 60s-themed hotel at JFK, which is awesome, except that the drinks are $22.
	So you get a double, it's $40.
	You get a buzz, it's $200 to get drunk.
	That was indicative of my entire trip, by the way.
	There's a TWA hotel.
	It was a gift from some fancy billionaire friends.
	And I wanted to go on an RV trip.
	My wife said, no, we're taking that fucking gift.
	And I was like, okay, it's still expensive, though, because every drink is like 22.
	Every meal is like 200.
	By the time you get the actual bill, it's like five grand in bullshit costs.
	So a free vacation from rich people is a very expensive vacation.
	I'm not looking giftos in the mouth, and I appreciate the gift very much, but it was very pricey.
	Anyway, so we're at this hotel because we were coming back from Cooperstown, and it was a very early flight, so we wanted to, you know, be comfortable, not have to rush.
	And I woke up at like three and I thought, this was organized by the rich person's travel agent and my wife.
	Those are both broads.
	Shit's going to fuck up.
	I got a bad feeling.
	And I'm in JFK, which is in the Bronx, which is totally populated.
	Everyone who works there is Puerto Rican, Honduran, black, and they don't like people.
	They don't like America.
	They resent having to be there.
	And they don't like white people.
	Generally, I find that's the vibe you get there.
	And this airport's always been corrupt.
	I remember years ago, I bought a neck pillow there.
	And it was an East Indian woman, the Bindi.
	And she took the money.
	And as I was walking out, I saw my peripheral vision.
	I saw her pocketing it.
	Now, it's not the end of the world.
	It's like 10, 20 bucks.
	But clearly she's a criminal.
	Clearly she's corrupt.
	And she's working in the most high security place in the surrounding area in New York.
	So we're allowing petty thieves to work there.
	Now, I know they can't screen for that, but it's indicative of the culture of that shitty fucking airport.
	Anyway, so I'm sleeping here and beautiful, of course.
	Show more pictures of it?
	I send you a whole...
	This is not from the catalog.
	My wife took this.
	Isn't that insane?
	It's like a spaceship.
	It's a better time for America, the early 60s.
	Martin Luther King hadn't been assassinated yet.
	We were still friends.
	Yeah, it's beautiful.
	There's my son.
	And it's got all these old-timey cars there.
	That coffee is probably like $9.
	There's a little twister-themed room.
	Everything is specifically 1963.
	That's Howard Hughes' office.
	There's a fake plane.
	It's a real plane, but you go do photo shoots there.
	Those are my kids.
	And then the roof is a pool, which you have to book in advance, and it's $50 to go to the pool at the hotel.
	What?
	And go buy some $22 drinks.
	Dude, I have spent this past three weeks on bourbon alone, probably $2,000.
	And that's even cutting corners.
	At one resort, I go, hi, I have to get some special contact lens solution.
	Can you drive me into town into Liberia from the four seasons in Papagayo?
	And she goes, okay, we can call you a taxi, but it'll take an hour because it's coming from Liberia.
	By the way, stupidest name for a Costa Rican city everywhere, Liberia?
	That's what they call that African place in, I mean, that freed slave country in Africa where the slaves from America went to repatriate and they fucked up and it's another shithole just like every other country in Africa.
	To name your country in Costa Rica that name?
	Anyway, she goes, that'll be like $350.
	Pardone?
	$350 fucking dollars?
	At this resort, 20s were hundreds.
	That's the only way you could get through it.
	So then I go, okay, what about a boat?
	Can I just get a boat?
	I can see the, it's called Cocoa Beach, and it's a non-touristy local shithole where I know I can buy booze for cheap.
	And she goes, yeah, you can get a boat and be like $320 plus tax.
	Why don't I buy a fucking boat for $100, you bitch?
	So I ended up finding some Ticos and paying them $50 to drive me with promise of tips.
	And we went to the other side, the Cocoa Beach.
	And then I just went to the grocery store and I bought 200 pounds of booze.
	Shit, I don't even like.
	I bought tequila.
	I bought rum.
	I bought fucking, they didn't have Maker's Mark.
	What was the rum?
	It was bullet.
	That'll do.
	And so I was carrying this box of booze, walking through the town.
	It weighed so much that my back started to hurt, not even my arms.
	And we took that back in the boat and I had to smuggle it into the hotel.
	They do this on Disney cruises too.
	They don't let you have to smuggle in booze.
	And then if you bring it to the dinner, they charge you a bottle opening fee.
	So I'm sneaking in and then this couple stops me because they see me with this huge box.
	And they're like, oh, did you catch a fish?
	Is that an iced fish in there?
	And I'm like, no, fuck off.
	I didn't speak to anyone there because I didn't want anyone to know it was me and start some hullabaloo.
	So I was very mean, secretive.
	I even told one couple to go fuck.
	Va fut, as we say in French.
	We were at the hotel and I could see this couple having a conversation.
	I'd just gone out for something to eat with my daughter.
	And so we're eavesdropping on them.
	And it's the same old conversation you always hear when you eavesdrop.
	It's boring.
	And it's always the dude talking about how he's underappreciated at work.
	And they both work together.
	I assume the work paid for the vacation.
	And so they're sitting there.
	And he's like, yeah, I mean, if they just get out of my way, if they just let me do the project.
	And that's the problem with HR is they're always going to Dan and talking about how we can move forward.
	And then we've got to fill out the paperwork and the B3 forms.
	And it just slows down the project.
	And with that other, with that CCS thing, and it's like, and she goes, yeah, just let you do it.
	And he goes, I'm the best at it.
	I'm the best.
	Then they're they know it.
	So he's licking his own ass.
	She's agreeing with him.
	And I'm waiting for the moment.
	They're both married, I think.
	So my daughter goes, this is boring.
	They're both married.
	They're not going to do anything.
	So she goes into the hotel.
	I'm on the balcony above them.
	And I'm not visible.
	And it's going and going.
	And it's been like half an hour.
	They've been talking about work.
	And so without showing my face, I just said, ah, just fuck her already.
	No one cares about work that much.
	And then I tiptoed back into my room.
	And as I was tiptoeing back, I heard him say, oh, that's very nice.
	Very nice.
	But I gave you half an hour.
	I was excited about the segue.
	Because you know they want to cheat.
	So I was waiting for him to say something like, so my room is pretty small.
	What does yours look like?
	And she'll say, oh, it's small too.
	Oh, really?
	Like, what is it?
	She goes, yeah, do you want to see?
	Maybe that would be, I thought that would be fun.
	And then hear them tiptoeing off.
	So I don't know if they fucked.
	Sorry about that.
	Anyway, I'm all over the map here.
	I haven't done this for weeks, so it's going to be rusty.
	God, these pit vipers hurt your nose.
	I saw a pit viper when I was there.
	I have a picture I'll show you in a second.
	But anyway, so I'm at the TWA hotel.
	Bad feelings.
	Oh, that's the bar.
	That's the bar where you can get a pretty good buzz for $200.
	Speaking of black privilege, I saw this black bartender.
	This was later on at night.
	And we're all sitting there spending a fucking fortune.
	You're hearing a Scottish person's trip, so there's going to be a lot of talk of the cost of things.
	And this black couple came in.
	Very traveling right now.
	Things are cheap.
	They're not busy.
	There's a disproportionate number of non-wealthy African Americans.
	So they come down there in their shower shoes and their gold chains and their strange dress, their shower hats.
	They're really into Crocs these days.
	And they get two expensive drinks.
	And I'm like, oh, I guess they got some money.
	No charge.
	They go back.
	They walk off.
	It's free.
	It's the fucking White Like Me sketch that was on SNL with Eddie Murphy, but in reverse.
	And black people get this magical world.
	And I think I know why.
	Anyway, so my wife goes, uh-oh.
	This is at 5.
	She goes, uh-oh.
	You seem to be on a different flight.
	Your flight's at 6.
	No problem.
	It's 5 a.m.
	I guess I'll get on a 6 a.m. flight.
	I mean, we're at the airport, but still, you need an hour to check your bags.
	So I run, but I want to be on their flight, right?
	So I run there.
	I try to check in.
	They go, oh, there's a problem.
	It's late.
	You have to check your bags.
	Like, you have to line up.
	And I'm like, you know what?
	I could just grab this and make it carry on because it's a filson, like a duffel bag.
	I probably could scrunch it and get on this flight, but I want to be with my family.
	So I'm not going to use my usual Gavin hustle and run through security.
	I'm going to go line up.
	I got a whole hour and then I'll be in the same flight as them.
	I get in the lineup when that's the douche I just showed you in the suit.
	It is moving at a shocking pace where you start doing the math and you're like, wait a minute, I've moved one person every 15 to 20 minutes.
	There's about 20 people in front of me.
	I'm going to be here for fucking ever.
	And then, so there's only three people working here.
	Then there's some guy, he's trying to check in and I see this, the flight attendant, whatever you call her, the checkout gal go, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	Why?
	Because he has a TV that's as tall as me that he wants to check.
	What are you doing?
	First of all, why didn't you just have that shipped to your door?
	Secondly, this isn't a shipping, this is not FedEx.
	And with that TV, he also has a box.
	A big box.
	Like a four by four box.
	Why does he have that?
	Why don't you have luggage?
	What did you pack?
	What's that big square?
	And this is what really annoyed me.
	He's with his mother.
	He's probably 35, 40.
	He's with his mother.
	She looks like she's 60 or something.
	Why are you with your mother?
	Like, I've traveled with my parents before.
	My parents are together.
	But if I was to travel, I could travel with my, if my dad died, I could travel with my family and my mom.
	But just one man and his mother, it just reeks of shattered families and people who don't know what they're doing.
	He doesn't have a family.
	Her baby daddy, his dad's long gone.
	It's just a mess.
	If you're hanging out with your mom when you're 40, you're a fuck up, especially if you're traveling.
	And don't bring your TV.
	So anyway, out of the three people that can take tickets, this asshole just clogged up the works with his stupid TV.
	I was in the line for an hour and a half.
	He was in that lineup the entire fucking time.
	I mean, he was hogging that one woman.
	And then there's this other fucking Honduran chick who was totally incompetent.
	She was, there was this one, I don't know, Asian Jewish chick or something at the end there.
	She was the one we wanted.
	She was going through them like a hot knife through butter.
	So I'm finally getting close there.
	I befriended some Orthodox Jews with Yamakus and we're sort of planning this.
	This was like Auschwitz where we're planning our escape and we're talking about how we have to get to her.
	And then one of the Orthodox Jews is like, all right, she starts maneuvering people.
	Like, she's ready over there.
	You, you're ready, which does help.
	It buys us like a good 30 seconds per exchange.
	It adds up.
	Meanwhile, I'm worried about missing this next flight at this point.
	And I'm not, I, did I check my bag?
	I can't check my bag.
	By the time I get there, I've missed another check-in, right?
	Never wait in the line, ever.
	If you want to check bags, don't.
	If you must check bags, then do the kiosk thing.
	Never wait in the line at JFK.
	You'll die there of old age.
	So I'm right there.
	I'm finally there.
	I have an erection.
	I've been waiting so long.
	Nine Hondurans show up.
	And guess who helps them?
	The Honduran lady I just told you about.
	She goes, oh, why'd you guys wait so late?
	Hi, honey.
	She's kissing them all.
	It's a ground.
	Who travels in a group of nine?
	I'm sick of these big groups.
	Like these people who book a table for 10 or 20 at a restaurant.
	Fuck off.
	You shouldn't be more than five people maxed.
	Five is crazy.
	Four is the max.
	I'm not happy about it.
	Three is normal.
	One to two to three is normal.
	Nine, ten.
	You're traveling in a group of nine?
	Isn't that everyone you know?
	I don't think I have nine people that I'd want to travel with.
	Anyway, they show up, kids, grandmas.
	They have fucking bags like the size of that flat screen TV I told you about.
	Bag after every single person has all of their clothes.
	I swear to God, like an entire wardrobe.
	So that's that tell her gone.
	We're fucked.
	We're down to just the cool one.
	So I get there.
	I check in, blah, blah, blah.
	They start giving me shit about COVID, vaccination.
	Now, here's where the incompetence is to your favor.
	I just start bamboozling them saying, no, no, it's here.
	No, I showed you the thing.
	And she goes, I need this website.
	You're just showing me a picture of a printout.
	Like they could be forged, I guess.
	And I'm like, no, no, here's the thing.
	And I talk to the guy and she's just like, oh, fuck, for fuck's sakes.
	And she just goes, yeah, fine.
	And lets me go.
	So then I'm in security.
	I've never done this before.
	You know what I did in security?
	Long lineup.
	I'm going to miss the flight.
	I'm going to miss my family.
	My family's already like boarding the plane.
	I just go, excuse me.
	I just, I did something that I hate.
	I said, I am very sorry.
	My plane is boarding.
	I'm going to miss it.
	My family's there.
	I got to get on.
	And I just butted the entire line.
	Now, this is ironic because my biggest beef about traveling is these butters.
	But I had an excuse.
	Or maybe you don't like my excuse.
	Maybe you should think, fuck me.
	And I'm totally open to that because I became a line Nazi after perpetrating that crime.
	This is hypocrisy you're seeing here, folks.
	So I pushed through, got through security.
	I've got my big duffel bag, but I can scrunch it.
	And I run like a son of a bitch, sweating like a pig.
	I finally get to the gate.
	I'm just about to miss it.
	I get on.
	I'm not sitting with them.
	I have to smash my bag into first class.
	Sit down.
	Fuf.
	All right.
	We're doing well.
	And I'm on the right flight.
	If I had got the earlier flight, well, you're about to see that.
	So then we get to Miami.
	It's a connection.
	Entire flight is canceled.
	So then we have to go line up to get a new flight.
	Oh, that's a guy taking a nap in the 60s at the TWA.
	So then we have to line up for four hours for a new plane to get new tickets, brand new tickets with all our luggage.
	We have to go get our luggage and wait for it.
	Oh, no, sorry.
	The luggage went on to Costa Rica and it was lost, of course.
	My daughter and my son's luggage, we got ours.
	So then I'm lining up for four hours.
	My wife and I took shifts.
	I went and got drunk.
	I met some cool lady, spent, you know, a million dollars on booze.
	Met some cool lady and we talked about Trump.
	She hates him.
	And I didn't let it go who I was and how much I love him, although I was recognized in that bar.
	So then I come back and wait in line.
	And then this woman just, she sits down in the line, right at the end of the line.
	Now, the girl you just showed there, go back, the black girl.
	Yeah.
	So I see her skip the entire line and go talk to him.
	And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	So I walk over to her.
	And by the way, when I skipped that line in security, I didn't inconvenience anyone.
	And they'd only been waiting there for 20 minutes.
	This was a four-hour lineup.
	It's a big fucking deal.
	People were dying of old age.
	So I go over to her and I go, what's going on here?
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	You're not going in front of us.
	And then he said, no, it's okay.
	She had the wrong ticket.
	I gave her the wrong ticket.
	All right.
	So she was innocent.
	So then I say to the woman who buds, I go, what the hell are you doing here?
	And she goes, I got to get back to my kids.
	And I go, we all have kids.
	We all have to get back to our kids.
	And she still keeps sitting there.
	And I noticed that the reason I know she exists, because she was behind me, is I heard some Asian dudes yelling with her boyfriend, saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because they already objected to that.
	And then she was trying to get the boyfriend to calm down.
	He wanted to fight them.
	That's nice at an airport.
	So now my, and they didn't win, the Asian guys.
	She's still, I think she's behind, no, she's in front of them.
	And they give it up.
	I go, you're not going to give up on this, are you?
	And then that's when she says she has to get back to her kids.
	And I go, no, it doesn't work like that.
	We've all been lining up here for hours and hours.
	It looked like something out of Russia, too.
	You could see, I don't want to say a quarter mile, but like a lot of fucking people, like bigger than your house length.
	Imagine a lineup twice around your house.
	That's what it was.
	So I go, I come with this new thing.
	And I go, you don't understand.
	We all wait in line.
	And then I said this line and it's really effective.
	And I highly recommend it.
	I go, it's called a society.
	Right?
	Soon after that, she gave up.
	She was gone.
	She grabbed her bag and started running and he ran chasing her.
	I don't know what the hell she did.
	Maybe she bought another flight on orbits.
	That's what I should have done, by the way, is just gone on my phone and bought another flight.
	It would have cost me, flights are cheap now, it would have cost me like 500 bucks and I would have saved waiting in line for four hours.
	Anyway, we get that flight.
	And then the other budding incident was we're leaving the plane.
	I did a whole video on this, by the way, on air travel.
	Do you remember that for vans, how to fly?
	All my shit is scattered all over the internet, but it's probably out there somewhere.
	And this concept of 14 exits before 15 exits before 16.
	I didn't take a night course in flying.
	No one told me that.
	I know it because it's logical.
	You know how I know?
	Because I'm part of a society.
	Okay?
	I know how societies work.
	So this couple is budding in front of my wife.
	And I go, whoa, whoa, what are we doing here?
	What are we doing?
	He goes, oh, we were already up.
	Like, that's fine.
	They don't even know that they're budding.
	And I go, 17, 16, 15.
	Wouldn't it make sense to you that 15 would leave before 16?
	The front row probably gets out before the last row, right?
	Let's take that concept and extrapolate.
	And they're all looking at me like I'm crazy.
	And I go, I go, she goes, we don't have baggage.
	I go, I don't have baggage either.
	I've just got this briefcase that's in my hand.
	I don't have anything up there.
	So, but I'm still leaving.
	So I have to sort of push them back.
	And then there's a woman coming up the back behind me.
	I have to say to her, you, you, get back.
	I have to push them back.
	It was like Kabul.
	I'm trying to fight these people getting on these planes.
	And so they scooch off.
	And then we're waiting for our baggage.
	So I go piss.
	Your baggage?
	If you checked bags, then you're not getting out.
	It doesn't Matter when you get out of the plane, so I go piss.
	I'm coming out of the bathroom.
	Guess who's meandering out of the bathroom in front of me?
	The same black dude that I was just yelling at.
	And I go, Hell, got out in time.
	Good thing you moved, huh?
	That was fast.
	Good thing you butted in line.
	Now you get to have a pee before anyone else.
	And you're on your way home.
	Oh, no, you're not because your baggage isn't here.
	Nor is mine.
	And he goes, you're still messing with me?
	And I go, I'm trying to explain to you what a society is.
	And he goes, he goes, I had to get up at five.
	I was just trying to get home, get some sleep.
	Like, just another bullshit thing where I'm supposed to get sleep.
	Oh, you get up at five.
	Ooh, okay, you can bud.
	I'm sorry.
	I'm lazy.
	I'm a lazy rich dude who just sleeps all day.
	Actually, I was on my way to sleep in on some fancy resort.
	Okay, fast forward, though, to the that in French?
	Yes.
	Oh, ma'am, monsieur.
	It's in French?
	Yeah.
	It's the only one I could find.
	That's so weird.
	You only banned in the English language.
	Can't you have done your own French track, by the way?
	This guy sounds nothing like you.
	That's so bizarre.
	But keep going.
	She leans back.
	I get mad at her.
	I've done that before, by the way.
	See, half of my jokes are not jokes.
	They're just relaying what happened.
	Oh, yeah, I just pretended to be asleep.
	My dad taught me this one.
	You pretend to be asleep and you put your knees up.
	Oh, here we go.
	I can't hear anything.
	This is exactly what happened.
	Exactly.
	I literally did that.
	I reenacted this.
	I've done it a million times.
	I'm trying to restore order in society.
	But there's something about that.
	It's called a society that I cannot recommend enough.
	It goes into their cranium and it just sort of bugs them.
	They're like, yeah, I don't feel like I'm part of society.
	I am a shitbag.
	I should stop budding.
	All right.
	So that's traveling covered.
	We haven't even got to paradise yet.
	And I've already made like a hundred enemies.
	So where are we now?
	Guy with a stupid TV, the Nine Hendurance.
	Okay, so first we go to the four seasons.
	Very fancy.
	Very nice.
	We got some pics there.
	I'm finally catching up.
	So I started this saying, you know, in the 60s, you'd have a slideshow after your trip.
	I guess I would be screaming at my neighbors for the first 30 minutes of the slideshow as they stared at their watches, wondering why they came over.
	Oh, is that my picture?
	Geez, that's so nice that I didn't realize that I took it.
	That's the sunset.
	This is very far from where we used to live in Montezuma.
	It's up in the peninsula on the top sort of west corner, the British Columbia of Costa Rica, if you will.
	And it was at the skinny point of the peninsula where you could go to either beach in one minute.
	They must have spent a fortune building that thing.
	And it was totally empty.
	That's the great thing about traveling with COVID and yeah, COVID.
	Everything's cheap and available.
	Next.
	That's just staring at the phones.
	The kids are obsessed with their screens.
	That's my gorgeous body.
	I'm reading People Magazine.
	People magazine, I never read it before.
	It's fascinating.
	They just make up shit and then they say, sources say.
	And all you have to do is make sure that when you make up your source, you don't say anything too outlandish.
	Like, sources say Drew Barrymore loves shooting heroin.
	You're going to get sued for that.
	It's not true.
	But if you say, sources say Drew Barrymore has some trepidation about this new relationship, and it's going to be a real culture shock for her to move to Britain.
	She's worried about it.
	That sounds believable.
	I'm not going to get sued.
	So it's just a bunch of suppositions with sources say.
	It's just people guessing how celebrities might feel.
	Page after page after page.
	That's the view.
	We could see the ocean from our room all screened in.
	By the way, I said to the guy, I said, here's a funny tip for when you go somewhere.
	Find out what the term for gay is.
	Like in Mexico, it's Maricón.
	In Quebec, it's Tapet.
	In France, it's Fifi.
	In this, in Costa Rica, it's Playo.
	And you just get laughs out of the locals.
	Like you say, does this shirt make me look like a Playo?
	Hysterical laughter everywhere.
	And then some of them would take it seriously and go, no, no, my friend.
	In Costa Rica, pink is only for men.
	It's for surfers.
	It's no playo.
	This is a book I was reading.
	And it's funny because I was giving my kids shit for not reading enough.
	And I was saying, you need to read to get a better vocabulary, to understand grammar better.
	And then I'm reading these books written by cops that are just so full of grammatical errors.
	It's jarring to read.
	Like you keep getting stunted.
	And I sent this to a copy editor friend.
	First, I laughed at 3 a.m. in lowercase.
	He also constantly has two spaces after period.
	I forgot the name of this book.
	I'll dig it up in a second.
	It's really good.
	And it's about a cop in the 80s who went from rookie to detective and at the very worst time in New York's history.
	But he's illiterate.
	I'm sorry, but New York cops and cops in general, I love them to death, but they're not exactly known for their grammatical prowess.
	It says wordwise in the bottom right.
	It says what?
	Is that the name of the book?
	Wordwise?
	Wordwise?
	Why would a book about cops be called wordwise?
	I just looked it up and I said wordwise police book, and a lot of things come up.
	Wordwise Enabled, Police Procedurals, WordWise Enabled, Mystery Thriller, 10 must-read books for law enforcement officers.
	WordWise is on there.
	These are the books I have in my Audible.
	The Diversity Delusion by Heather McDonough, which is awesome.
	American Marxism by Mark Levin is really good.
	I think he's one of the leading political intellectuals in the country, but he's yelling at you.
	So you're in your car and it's like, they're at the point where Marxism is becoming the norm for schools.
	It's not pleasant to get yelled at.
	Beyond order, this is all I get.
	Captain Underpants, that's not me.
	Shit, I can't find it and I can't read.
	I'll have Gavin dig it up when we come back.
	But I just thought this was funny.
	Look at this sentence.
	It's the loneliest sentence in the world.
	It's like Tom Hanks and Castaway.
	What does he say?
	We rode slowly down a residential street looking for anything or anyone out of place.
	We would find it.
	Not good.
	What's next?
	Oh yeah, that's the resort.
	There's a really good show I've been watching with my wife called White Lotus.
	Pull that up because it kind of summarized our life at the Four Seasons.
	Where'd I go?
	The goal is to disappear behind our masks as pleasant, interchangeable helpers.
	It's tropical kabuki.
	Aloha, a happy beer.
	We're on our home.
	It's like Faulty Towers meets Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
	Welcome to the White Lotus.
	Although, I gotta say, white males don't do great in it.
	We're the bumbling buffoons.
	Nicole, they're fucking drug addict, losers.
	It's cancer.
	He plays an awesome villain.
	Not villain, moron.
	He finds out his dad is gay.
	Anyway, this is basically where we were.
	Oh, and this guy, whose mom comes to see him, is supposed to be this horrible douche.
	And I'm just watching the show going, what's wrong with this guy?
	He's mad that he got the wrong suite and they charged him the original fee.
	Yeah?
	Are you a dick?
	And she's like, can we just drop it, please, and enjoy our honeymoon?
	No.
	And I'm watching the show going, no.
	At least get your money back.
	All right, what else do we have from four seasons?
	That's where I met the Ticos.
	We rented a jet ski, too, which is fun.
	Man, those things go fast.
	That's it for that.
	There might be some videos in there, though.
	So what's next?
	Oh, yeah, golfing?
	There's one of the best golf courses in the world there at Papo de Gallo, the Four Seasons owns it.
	Of course, I go in there and I go, we're going to have to rent clubs for me and my youngest boy here.
	And they go, he needs a collared shirt.
	He's a little kid.
	No, he needs a collared shirt.
	Okay, fine.
	I'll buy one.
	So that cost me 50 bucks.
	The whole thing, the golf bags were $86 each.
	And then the rental was the, to just play on it was $150.
	My bill was $300.
	And I ended up involuntarily going, Jesus Christ.
	And then walked out of the room going, for fuck's sake, fucking.
	But it was awesome.
	We were the only people in the entire course.
	So I justified the cost by pretending I'm a billionaire who rented the entire golf course.
	Like when the woman came up to serve us drinks and sell us more golf balls because we lost them all, I was the only name on her little clipboard, McInnes.
	The only people there.
	This is cool.
	The golf cart tells you where you are, tells you what the next hole is, tells you how many yards to the hole, shows you the shape of it.
	And I made up this, I didn't make up this.
	My friend Jim taught me this awesome way to play golf with a kid.
	It's best ball.
	So if you, if he hits it not a great amount, but you shoot it into the woods, you play from that thing.
	If he does a little kid shot and you do a great one down the line, you pick up his ball, which is fun because on the golf cart, you don't stop.
	And then he has to swoop down and pick it up.
	And then you go to your ball.
	And dude, this golf course is light years above any golf course I've ever played.
	We were shooting off cliffs.
	That was the beginning, incredibly green.
	It's rainy season now.
	It's their winter in Costa Rica.
	So it's beautifully rainy every day.
	Look, there's some cool little green lizard hanging out.
	I might have to zoom in on that one.
	Yeah, look how green that thing is.
	I said to my kids, I'll pay you $100 if you can ever catch one because they're way too fast.
	But I didn't factor in babies.
	And my fucking son caught one at $100 down.
	But then we went to the batting cage when we got back to New York and he said, I'll pay you $5 for every ball I miss at the batting cage.
	And I was like, I went down from $125 to $65.
	I was like, $120, $115.
	The fucking hubris of the kids today is very expensive.
	So there we are.
	He thinks it's too sunny.
	You see that behind me?
	That's a cliff.
	Like, if I ran over those bushes, I would die.
	After you shoot, you go back around and then you drive up to your ball.
	Hitting golf balls off a cliff, that's every man's fantasy, right?
	That's the best part of Animal House, where they're just pitching them at those military dudes, and then they hit the horse in the ass.
	Fuck, it was great.
	And there's few things better than playing golf with your son.
	It's one of the greatest joys there are.
	And then I have baseball with my other son, watching him play as Heaven on Earth.
	So I just got to get something better with my daughter.
	There's two iguanas that were just stalking us, hoping for scraps.
	And this is a cliff.
	Wait, go back, go back.
	That's a cliff too.
	That's a different cliff.
	What you can't see here is a massive gorge.
	There's a road down there.
	So you have to hit it over that.
	He got lost in the road.
	It bounced off into that jungle.
	But I managed to, I had one of the best shots of my life actually there.
	But isn't that fun?
	What's funner than that?
	Literally, what's funner than that?
	That's not part of the golf course.
	I think I have a movie.
	Did the movies not transfer, Ryan?
	Yep, got them here.
	There's a movie of Johnny getting a great shot.
	Has that got audio?
	Well, that's the one I was just talking about.
	You can sort of see the gorge better.
	That was good, but it's not good enough.
	That one we saw, and then we drove by, and it was gone.
	I have a feeling that some animals, like Katy Mundis, which is like the Costa Rican raccoon, I think some of them see them as eggs and take them.
	Because we couldn't explain where it went.
	We saw it land.
	And then when we went there, it was gone.
	Now, I'm sure some people are going to hate on his form.
	I'm pretty happy with it.
	He could afford to bend it a little.
	No, that's a great amount.
	He comes down.
	Bends his knees maybe a bit much.
	Oh, he hits the grass first, so he lost some of his momentum there.
	But that's a good 75 yards.
	Pretty good for a nine-year-old.
	If you look closely, you can see it's not even landed yet.
	This is a good video because the black of the trees makes the ball visible.
	Alright, is that golfing done?
	We'll get back to you in a second, Gav.
	Is that golf done?
	What are these?
	What?
	Let me see if I get close if the money done.
	You have to yell, Ryan.
	I kiss.
	What?
	Oh, those are the Katy Mundies.
	Those are the Katy Mundies.
	Yeah.
	Let me see if I get close if the mother tries to kill me.
	Kauti Mundis?
	They're like a pest.
	We used to have them at our place in Montezuma.
	They're not monkeys.
	Oh.
	They're more related to raccoons.
	But they have the same long tail they use for balance.
	They're little scavengers.
	Very cute.
	Is that a bad idea?
	Yes.
	All right, what's next?
	Hey, we got Rappelling.
	Snorkeling?
	Snorkeling, I have a scuba license.
	And once you've been to Mexico and you've snorkeled with, I mean, you've scuba dived with a turtle that's going by going, hey, my guy.
	You can't really snorkel again.
	It's like going to coach after first class.
	And in Costa Rica, the water's kind of murky.
	Oh, we caught some fish.
	It was fun because we caught this fish and then we used it as bait for bigger fish.
	And they catch huge swordfish and shit.
	But my wife, when it was her turn, she's the one who got the big fish.
	I should have probably taken over, but I didn't and we lost it.
	I'm sorry.
	Oh, that was just a funny little video, jumping off the boat.
	It was kind of the funnest part of the whole fishing trip.
	Show it again?
	We skipped Rappelling.
	I don't know.
	That just amused me.
	What else do we got?
	We got Rappelling.
	Rappelling?
	So we went Rappelling down these waterfalls.
	This was in the Springs.
	Dude, this hotel was nuts.
	That's me being gorgeous.
	Who took that photo?
	What?
	Who took that photo?
	Is that like...
	They took photos for then you buy them for 30 bucks.
	Looks pretty pro There's my kids going down so it's that thing where you push off and then you let it go Not my forte.
	I thought it'd be a lot better.
	I was a total and utter spaz.
	My kids were awesome.
	I was really worried the whole time about my youngest boy.
	You know, look, that's what he's going down.
	Now, with the younger kids, they more lower you than let you repel.
	But you're still repelling.
	You're still pushing off.
	And then I get to the bottom and he's just done this thing, which was like 40 stories tall.
	And he's going, let's go, let's go.
	I was like, okay, we're in.
	That's my wife and I going down the thingamedle.
	Good.
	Almost at the bottom.
	I have a video.
	That's me sucking in my stomach trying to look like Alex Jones.
	I have a video of me going down and I almost didn't show it just out of vanity because it's so powerfully uncool.
	It's sort of like in The Simpsons where Marge is dating that nerd and he goes, Marge, don't tell people what happened.
	Not so much for me, but it would hurt the town.
	I think this video kind of hurts the brand of censored.tv.
	Okay, now.
	Oh, geez.
	I can't.
	And like, men are trying to help me lower.
	And then I get caught under the waterfall and I have to push off.
	I'm covered in bruises, by the way.
	No one else had any bruises.
	I don't know.
	It's hard.
	You're dangling.
	You're a dangling participle.
	Is that it?
	You have to lie to your family.
	You have to say what you were doing was easy.
	I was trying harder things.
	I was trying to do a spin.
	I've never done a 360 when repelling?
	Of course I can go down like you.
	It's called an Ollie McTwist.
	Tony Hawk invented them.
	God.
	Remember, I'm not Plio.
	All right, now we have the springs.
	This was the coolest.
	So there's a town there called Arenal.
	And some guy, probably an American, in the 70s said, look, we're on the continental divide, right?
	We've got a million mountains, a million little streams.
	Let's dam them and make a lake.
	And it's fucking huge.
	It's like Mendoza Lake or whatever that lake is called in Madison, Wisconsin.
	So there's this massive lake.
	And then up from the lake, there's this volcano.
	So this guy, this Floridian dude named Lee Banks, he started out real small in a surf town like Maupais or something, building little resorts.
	And then he got to know rich dudes.
	And they said, oh, you seem pretty good at this hospitality thing.
	Let's build more.
	So he built this hotel on a wall, a hill facing the volcano.
	So everyone gets a view of the volcano.
	And of course, this is my kids on screens.
	That's your only job as a parent is to get them off these as much as possible.
	We managed to get it down to like two hours a day, Which, if you don't have kids, that's an amazing accomplishment to get down to two hours a day.
	That's the volcano, though.
	You can't see the top.
	Now, I remember going there 20 years ago as a poor man, and lava was shooting out 24 hours a day.
	Not a lot, but you could see it.
	So you'd eat dinner and you'd see like bloop, blip, bloop, blip, blip, blop, blip, bloop.
	But it stopped since 2010.
	And interestingly enough, other volcanoes started going at the same time, implying that there's some sort of connection there.
	I got to say, Costa Rica is a free market place, but it has a lot of socialist things.
	They have health care.
	They pay 9% for their healthcare.
	They abolished the army completely because America will have their back.
	The rumor I got was that the CIA and the FBI like to retire there.
	So they made sure they kept it a safe place.
	There's zero crime.
	I mean, there's petty theft and shit.
	And then 1% of Costa Rica is black.
	And coincidentally, in that part of town, which is on the Caribbean side, there's crime and gangs and stuff.
	But there's plenty of drugs, plenty of pot, and no crime to speak of.
	No gangs.
	Is that the volcano in Aranal?
	Arena.
	Yeah, it looks like it.
	That's how it used to look.
	30 years of eruption.
	I don't forget how this...
	Doesn't that mean the gas is poisonous?
	How do people live around a volcano?
	I thought it emits like brutal amounts of carbon dioxide or something.
	Anyway, we'll get to that another time.
	So they abolished the army, and then they have that lake, Arenao, that used to provide 70%, 7-0% of the electricity for the entire country.
	Healthcare is 9% of your salary.
	Everyone gets it.
	And I got to say, almost everyone I spoke to, perfect English.
	You don't see that in Miami, by the way.
	A lot of people unilingual in Miami who were born there.
	You see unilingual Chinese in New York.
	Everyone in Costa Rica speaks perfect Spanish.
	And then you ask them about a katimundi or what bird is that?
	And they're like, oh, that's the keel-billed motmot.
	They burrow holes into the mud and put their eggs there.
	And I go, but we're right off a trail.
	And they go, yeah, that's good because you're traversing this trail so much, snakes don't go near it and they end up retaining their eggs.
	Like everyone knows this.
	The cab driver.
	It's kind of what Fidel Castro says Cuba is, which it isn't.
	But Costa Rica is that.
	It's not a wealthy populace, but it's a really well-educated populace.
	And they do have elements of socialism, but it's ultimately a free market country with a lot of tourism, but also coffee, mango, melons, bananas, pineapples are huge.
	So they're taking advantage of the land.
	This thing pissed me off, though.
	Go back to that picture.
	Is that my picture?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	These just ruin the skyline.
	It wasn't everywhere, but it was near where we were on our drive there.
	About 80% of them are not turning.
	And we all know that wind turbines, these wind stupid pieces of shit, take more energy to make than they generate in a lifetime.
	So they're, by definition, totally useless.
	And you see these and they're ugly and they're dumb and it's a waste of money.
	It's a bunch of socialist bullshit.
	But then you go, wait a minute, zoom in on this shit.
	It looks like a military graveyard.
	Look at this.
	The entire, there's a fucking factory we drove by where they're still making them all.
	And I assume repairing them because they were all, they all seemed broken.
	Look at that hideous skyline.
	And you can see here, they're sort of tapering off.
	Like this is disappearing over the horizon.
	Like there was dozens and dozens of these fucking retarded, hideous things.
	Fuck out of here.
	Especially when they had all that success with their water.
	Roads are way better than America.
	Which was very irritating.
	Keep going.
	That's our view.
	That's everyone's view at this resort.
	That's me and my wife.
	I rarely show pictures of her, but we look cute there.
	That's our cool view.
	I think we're winding it up here.
	Are we out of picks?
	For that, yes.
	Is that my pick?
	No, that's.
	No, no.
	It's like, I was in a helicopter?
	We got a video from you.
	And I'm popping it open right now.
	It's the roads.
	I didn't wet the bed the entire time, by the way.
	Oh, yeah.
	This is me bitching about the windmill.
	Look at these hideous machines.
	One of them is working.
	The rest are all dead.
	Littering the skyline.
	Look at them.
	There's dozens of them.
	Oh, we got one, two moving.
	Wait, there's more.
	There's the rope bridges.
	And they can't possibly generate.
	Okay, we're not done with the whole thing, but that was the end of the whatever section that was.
	The springs.
	The springs?
	Okay.
	Oh, wait, and then we got another vid.
	There's some rain here.
	Here we go.
	That's not me.
	Oh, you're looking up stuff?
	I may have forgotten to give you...
	Oh, that's a movie of our view.
	See, the beauty of going in August is it's raining half the day, which is a nice break from the 90-degree weather.
	It was actually much hotter in New York.
	Oh, wait.
	Did you include the video, the audio of that?
	No.
	Turn it up.
	It's beautiful.
	So, is that all the pictures?
	Because I'm missing a major file of amylos, as my daughter used to call them when she was a baby.
	Yeah, we rented ATVs.
	And I don't want to show my daughter's face.
	Maybe go to the next one?
	Okay, wait, you gotta go.
	I'm gonna switch off for a second, because otherwise it'll slide.
	Oh, yeah, we stopped and had some pollo and fritas.
	God, the junk food in Costa Rica is so effing good.
	So when you're renting ATVs to a family, right, it's got to be fun, but you don't want to get sued.
	I don't think they're very worried about being sued there, or they're not suable.
	Like when we went to rent the jet skis and shit, and those guys that got that took me to the boat to Cocoa Beach, and the boat trip too, it had nothing to do with the hotel.
	And I realized later, oh, that's because the hotel doesn't want the insurance headache.
	So they let the locals rent out jet skis and stuff.
	And they think, someone gets their head chopped off and they go into the coral or something.
	It's not my fault.
	You rented it from a local.
	I don't provide jet skis and I don't want to get sued.
	And so we're on this ATV trip and it's raining, but it's great because it's like 80 degrees.
	So the rain doesn't bother you.
	We knew it was going to rain.
	So we're wearing bathing suits and we're drenched.
	Although I had to put a garbage bag on my kid, youngest one.
	But you're out there and you're like, this is just going to work.
	Like in Costa Rica, everyone uses ATVs because in the rainy season, you can't use anything else.
	So when I lived there, we would just always have ATVs.
	So it's not exciting to me to be driving around with my family, but I don't want my kid to get hurt or anything.
	So you want the perfect amount of danger.
	And they provided that.
	I was very impressed.
	The initial half was boring.
	I was about to complain that I'm just like going to work.
	And then the next thing you know, we're going down ravines, getting stuck.
	We're at points where we're about to tip over.
	And I'm like, this is actually fun.
	This is getting scary.
	And my daughter was on the back.
	And I go, how are you feeling?
	Isn't this good?
	And she goes, hell, hell.
	This is the worst day of my life.
	And I was like, good.
	We're in the right balance there.
	Some people are loving it.
	Some people hate it.
	That's like the sign that something's going well, right?
	You know, you're doing a good job if half the country hates you and the other half loves you.
	You're being exciting.
	Well, that's the thing with the kids today now.
	They take pictures with this weird setting where it blows your head up and it looks funny on animals.
	That was a stray cat at the chicken place I just showed you on our ATV trip.
	We stopped for beers.
	That's some drone footage of some trees.
	Here's one thing I don't get.
	There's turkey vultures everywhere in the sky, like flies.
	How do they see the cadavers down there?
	You can't see anything through the canopy.
	Are you just hanging out up there?
	There's no mowed lawns where you're going to see a dead raccoon you can go eat.
	Anyway, this is, you've come across the animals.
	Yeah, that's the just a creek that we went whitewater rafting in that was fun.
	I overheard this one guy, he said, he said to the instructor, oh, that's, I went skinny dipping for a second in a private area, and you can see my private areas.
	He said something to the whitewater rafting guy.
	He goes, he's with his son.
	We're skiers.
	So it's a similar principle, you know, sort of jostling your hips.
	Like people talk about offensive things, racism, sexism, transphobia.
	That to me is more offensive than anything.
	Like I recoiled in horror when he said that.
	What are you talking about?
	And it's not like the instructor is going, oh, really?
	Oh, that's cool.
	Yeah, I guess it is.
	Sort of swiveling back and forth.
	Yeah, yeah, it's a very similar.
	That's rap about the similarities with riding a fucking inflatable dinghy down a raft and skiing.
	What?
	Anyway, I didn't speak to him again.
	I couldn't look at him.
	You need your enemies on these trips.
	And if you don't have any, you just make them up.
	That's me looking gorgeous.
	That's outside the whitewater rafting place.
	This is, again, at the springs.
	They had their up area where you can see the volcano.
	And then they had this down area that had a nature preserve.
	It's not a zoo.
	Don't call it a zoo.
	It's a reservation where we take rescued animals.
	They had this one rescued animal, an ocelot, and they go, it's illegal to domesticate ocelots.
	That's a sort of baby cheetah looking thing.
	I saw one in the wild, which apparently is very rare.
	And they go, and after he come here, he missed his owner.
	So he was scratching his stomach bare and he was eating his tail.
	I'm like, well, good thing you rescued him.
	Good thing you rescued the fucking loser and took him from this domestic situation where he's getting fed every day to a cage where he eats himself.
	Way to go.
	Everyone knows so much about animals down there that they get into arguments.
	Like, are sloths drunk?
	Sloths eat this plant that some say the Aboriginals think have hallucinogenic properties or just kind of, it's probably just more like a caffeinated type of thing.
	It gives you a cocoa buzz, like the cocoa plant or whatever they make cocaine out of.
	Others say, no, no, no.
	The plant they eat is normal.
	What happens is they're polygastric.
	These are Tico saying the word polygastric to you.
	So they eat food and it takes like a week to ferment.
	And it's the fermentation that's getting them kind of drunk.
	That's why they're so groovy.
	And if you were to feed them fruit, that fermentation would turn into alcohol and they get alcohol poisoning.
	They're already drunk from the fermentation in their stomach.
	No, no, no.
	And then you get other guys saying that it's not that intense of fermentation.
	This is how well informed they are, that you can have sloth arguments.
	Okay, go ahead.
	That's plain ping pong.
	Kids love ping pong.
	There's a toucan.
	And, you know, the guy's explaining how wonderful these are.
	And, of course, you know my beliefs on animals.
	They're losers.
	And I just think, what a curse.
	A giant bill.
	You know, they can only fly like short little jaunts because this fucking thing is so incredibly heavy?
	I don't think it's wondrous.
	I think it's a curse.
	These poor bastards.
	This was really interesting.
	They had these white-faced monkeys.
	And the more you learn about nature, the more you realize that we're not the only ones who shit on men.
	Like, males are garbage in every species.
	With male wasps, they burrow into these fica trees.
	The queen makes a bunch of them.
	And then all the males, the babies, the boys, they try to burrow out of the fica seed that they're in, and they die.
	They all die.
	But they finally make some holes on the way to dying.
	And then the females can get out and go and breed and have fun as the seed is left with like 100 dead boys.
	Just like World War II.
	Our males are cannon fodder.
	Anyway, these bastards abuse their own males.
	And the alphas don't want any competition.
	So they eat, dismember, maim, abuse all their baby boys.
	And then, so they rescue.
	These people rescue them, but they have like stubs and shit from what the pack had done to them.
	And they can't put these abused ones in with the other rescues because the other rescues will see that they're missing an arm or something and abuse them more.
	These abused ones, you can go and eat lunch with them.
	They're fine.
	You go eat lunch with the other ones, they'll rip your face off.
	They're jerks.
	They're not just losers, they're assholes.
	That's some monkey guy.
	The top four monkeys there are howlers, white-faced monkeys, the cappuccinos, squirrel monkeys.
	I think that's it.
	Oh, you'll be shocked to see this.
	Don't worry, it's dead.
	The wandering Brazilian spider.
	See, this is why I had a house there and I wouldn't bring my kids because there's so much fucking deadly animals there.
	The wandering Brazilian spider, just like all these pit vipers and the Falon de Verte.
	It's this, it's French for like arrowhead.
	Falon de Vert.
	I forget what it's called.
	It's the most deadly snake in the world.
	It's in Costa Rica.
	And it doesn't just inject you with poison.
	It injects you with a necrosis.
	And so you have flesh eating disease.
	So your skin starts dying.
	And you've got to get to the hospital.
	They'll give you the antidote.
	And they'll tell you an anecdote while you're getting the antidote.
	But you're still there for months.
	There was a guy from Naked and Afraid who went down there.
	And he was scouting out the area.
	He got bit by a Falon de Vert, whatever it's called.
	I'm giving the name.
	Faire de Lance.
	What is it?
	Faire de Lance.
	Faire de Lance.
	So it's French for like, because it has an arrowhead of a head.
	He got bit by one.
	It starts, your leg starts eating itself, gangrene.
	And so he was in the hospital for three months.
	He's lucky they were able to save his leg.
	So this is a big fucking deal.
	What else do we got?
	Of course the guy knows all of this.
	Oh, can you see what's happening there?
	Hey, dude.
	They said they made this the national animal.
	And I go, is it because you're all so fucking lazy?
	He goes, no, because we're happy.
	It's smiling.
	Oh, my.
	Oh.
	What a groovy guy, though, huh?
	What's that?
	Oh, line.
	Is that someone who got bit by it?
	Correct.
	What is that?
	It used to be a leg.
	Oh, my God.
	It used to be a leg.
	Holy shit.
	Yeah.
	Look at that.
	It's dead.
	Just cut the leg off, please.
	I mean, that seems to be one of the only ones like, oh, no, there's not.
	Oh, boy.
	Okay.
	Not a good one to get bit by.
	Oh, my lord.
	Look at that.
	You can see his bones.
	I'm not bringing my kids there.
	A scorpion bite is like a mosquito bite here.
	It's unfortunate.
	You don't die from a scorpion bite, but your hands and feet have pins and needles for two days and your lips go numb.
	So yeah, that's a sloth.
	You know who eats them?
	Fucking giant eagles.
	They pick them up off the tree, fly with them for a bit, drop them.
	They hit the ground and die.
	And that's who eats them.
	They go so high up in trees that they don't have to worry about, you know, tigers and they don't have tigers.
	They have panthers and pumas and mountain lions and shit.
	What else do we got?
	Oh, this is a honey bee farm.
	Their bees don't sting.
	Go eat one if you want.
	They don't have a problem.
	And they burrow in these trees and they make this honey that's so delicious that the locals think it's magic.
	They put it on cuts and stuff.
	Very cute little bees.
	Not like our bees.
	Our bees are jerks.
	There's a catymundi.
	Raccoon family.
	Very cute.
	What's that now?
	Zoom in on that?
	Looks like a snake on top of a leaf.
	Oh yeah, that's a snake.
	Poisonous snake.
	They're fucking everywhere.
	I don't know why they're...
	They're all wearing sports sandals because Costa Rica is like hippie eco place.
	I'd be wearing fucking aluminum cowboy boots if I lived there.
	I forget what kind of killer, monster, murder.
	That looks like a toe, but it's a coiled up snake.
	See, the guide would focus in on something, and then I would put my phone up to the little telescope and take a picture of it.
	What else do we got?
	Next.
	That's just a cicada.
	They are deafeningly loud there.
	And they have, I think we just have the 16-year ones.
	They have 16-year, 14-year, 12-2, everything.
	It's constant in the jungle.
	You get used to it after a while.
	If you zoom in on that, that's a tree that has these roots that look like a dink.
	Yeah.
	If you're into that kind of thing.
	That's me without my pit vipers.
	It's called the playa tree.
	How do you know?
	No, isn't that what a fag is called?
	Oh, yeah, the playo tree.
	Playa is a beach.
	Oh, yes.
	That's me an extra pit viper without my pit vipers on.
	What else?
	That's a fucking golden pit viper.
	That is only about as big as my fist, right?
	People think it jumps, but it just crawls up its top half and lunges forward so it looks like it jumps, but the back half is still on the ground.
	That thing could kill my entire family.
	If we got bit in the neck, it has enough venom for five people dead.
	Necrosis, your neck eats.
	How the fuck?
	I guess they do that so they can eat you better.
	They start digesting you outside.
	That was like four feet from us.
	I took that picture with my phone by reaching out.
	They're called the eyelash viper because they have these spikes around their eye.
	Look at that thing.
	Is that the producer who got it?
	Oh, yeah, there it is.
	It smells of death.
	Turn it up.
	I can't hear anything.
	Thankfully, they were able to operate graft skin from my thigh onto my foot.
	Look at that.
	Who repaired that?
	They just took skin from somewhere else?
	It's changed me in some ways the same as it changes the survivalists.
	It's an experience that you never forget.
	I don't.
	What are these women doing on that fucking show?
	I saw a single mama.
	You're gone for 21 days.
	You're away from your kid for 21 days.
	And you might get a pit viper.
	You might get some weird skin disease from bugs or something.
	Now you're bringing that home to your kid.
	What have we done to our women?
	Next.
	So that was worth the whole trip.
	Actually, zoom in on him.
	You might be able to see his eyelashes.
	You can zoom in on me and see my eyelashes.
	Yeah, you can kind of see right there.
	He has these little spiky things over his eyes.
	One of the guys told me, he showed me a picture where he caught a fur de Lance.
	And I'm like, okay, so then you just took the machete and chopped his head off?
	And he goes, no, no, we have to preserve.
	They're part of the whole chain.
	I go, no, they're not.
	They can go.
	No, no, they eat rodents and mice.
	Other things can eat rodents and mice.
	I go, what if there was a tiger shark and he washed up on the beach?
	Oh, we could get it wet, try to keep it wet, try to get it back in the water.
	I go, no, if it's on a beach you're on, then it's a beach people swim at.
	You take the knife and you sink it into the brain.
	Oh, no, you're kidding, right?
	No.
	See that?
	Kill it.
	It's a dragon.
	Slay the dragon.
	It's bad.
	If you see a tiger shark where your kids are, you stab it in the brain.
	Kill the bad things.
	Scorpions, rats.
	Kill them all.
	Believe me, the ecosystem will survive missing out on these wonderful fucking human killers.
	Look at those nostrils.
	I'm actually scared of it behind me right now.
	All right, next.
	That's the same one.
	Different angle.
	Oh, God, this sucked.
	They're like, this is a local delicacy.
	Never have a local delicacy.
	It goes, you're going to love this.
	It's very juicy.
	It's rice and beans and pulled pork.
	That sounds good.
	And then the bottom is so juicy with the rice and pork rinds.
	I'm like, okay, that sounds, I like the word juicy.
	You know what juicy means?
	I might puke just describing this.
	Massive clumps of fat.
	Yeah.
	Like, oh, that's Puerto Rican too?
	Yeah, fat's good.
	So take like, I might not get through this, but take like a small milk glass and fill the bottom third with mayonnaise.
	That's the texture of the fat.
	And you either spit it out into a napkin, which I should have done, or you just let it slither down your throat.
	I'm not talking like steak where there's a chewy piece of fat.
	I mean this like amorphous.
	And so I'm sitting there about to puke and my wife sees me.
	She goes, what's going on?
	I go, and then I let the fat slide down my mouth like a giant's jizz.
	And I go, ate a lot of fat, can't talk about it.
	I almost projectile vomited.
	But that was a nice little spot.
	Where is this now?
	Looks like a church.
	Crosses on there?
	I don't know where the fuck that is.
	So there's the thing.
	Wait, zoom in on those.
	Maybe my wife took that on a day trip that I wasn't on.
	I wasn't there.
	That's something else.
	Sorry, folks.
	You know, we have from your last vacation.
	We never went over them.
	I guess I slept in that day.
	Oh, that was when we were in Seattle.
	It's M2.
	It's the club Tiger Woods Cuses.
	I almost said Obama.
	That is such an awesome driver.
	This is the place we were staying.
	I got a bunch of range balls and just started driving them into the bay.
	There's a boat on the horizon yet.
	I think this sucks.
	Don't get your hopes up.
	Hit the ground.
	One time we almost hit a boat.
	We had to drop our stuff and run away.
	That's the bird, which is the bald eagle, right?
	Yep.
	There's a bird which is the bald eagle eating a mouse.
	Leave that mouse alone, you jerk.
	Leave it alone!
	Stop it!
	Everyone thinks it's cool to see a bird eating its prey.
	Not if you're a mouse.
	You say the early bird gets the worm?
	The early worm gets eaten.
	Oh, this was from that.
	Tacoma is rife with cowboy bars.
	And they're not a novelty.
	Like, people are really line dancing and doci-doughing.
	I think the fact that it's a blue state is from election fraud.
	Because the people there are not pro-Antifa.
	They all fucking hate Antifa.
	Yet it's an Antifa state.
	It's a redneck place.
	It's pioneers.
	And cowboys are everywhere.
	And this woman seems to have forgotten her panties.
	You don't get laid a lot when you travel, so some of my videos are a little raunchy.
	She got kicked off for this.
	They're super strict.
	Like if you wear your shoes or if you're revealing your buttocks.
	I can't tell if that's a thong or not.
	Oh, she ruined it.
	Yeah, that shouldn't really be in my Costa Rica file.
	Did we finish all the pictures?
	Should we get back to this illuminating news show?
	Oh, that's me.
	It's really, it's a lot harder than it looks.
	This also, I considered not showing.
	This is hurting the brand.
	I'm sorry.
	First of all, I'm wasted.
	But secondly, there's a lot of centrifugal force.
	So when it goes like that, you've got all 200 pounds of you to save.
	Oh, yeah, this is more videos from the zoo.
	That was cool.
	Go back.
	The guy hits my phone out of my hand.
	I'm sick of being fucking filmed all the time.
	Hey, hi, cutie.
	Fuck you.
	That's going kind of monkey.
	I am getting sick of you assholes with your cameras.
	Yeah.
	Fuck off.
	Okay, rules.
	Keep going, though.
	Was there more?
	Let's see.
	Yes.
	Okay, we got this.
	In the animals file.
	Oh, yeah.
	Check, turn up, turn this up.
	Doesn't this look fake?
	Yeah, it does.
	Because his Eyes look too real, like human.
	It looks like Disney animatronics or Fantastic Mr. Fox or something.
	Maybe because I've never seen a coyote go up close before.
	They stole this from a farmer.
	He had it chained to a tree and it was used to chase away predators.
	Okay.
	Sounds good to me.
	Why did you take him?
	What did you rescue him for?
	Now he's in a cage.
	Whereas before he was chained up, at least he was outside.
	Like, did you really help out?
	These are wild turkeys.
	They're in mating season, so they don't give a fuck about you.
	And they're not shy.
	They're horny.
	If you listen close, you can hear him say, me so horny.
	Me so horny.
	I asked if they eat them, but they don't.
	The meat's really tough.
	By the way, if you're a species out there, I highly recommend you being not tasty if you'd like to survive for as long as, say, crocodiles.
	What else have you got?
	Why do you keep showing me there?
	That's not very professional.
	Oh, that's a close-up of Kati Mundi.
	Kawati Mundi?
	Okay, don't show your computer.
	Are you done?
	I think we're done.
	I think we go.
	Plus, I think everyone's sick of hearing about my trip.
	Anyway, sorry I was gone for so long.
	It won't happen again, folks.
	Let's get back to the news.
	Oh, that's those little stingless bees.
	Look, they make...
	That tube is made by them.
	That's how they get in and out of the hive.
	That's that.
	All right.
	Very anticlimactic ending.
	Yeah, it is very anticlimactic.
	We've seen those stingless bees three times now.
	Kwati Mundi's, I don't know how many times.
	Maybe please get back to the show.
	Yes, we will get back to you.
	Sorry, B. Thank you.
	All right.
	Well, I've gobbled up so much of my time that we barely have time for the mailbag.
	But we'll hit it.
	And then the final video.
	Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	Boy, there's a lot going on here.
	I have weeks and weeks and weeks of mail.
	But we can only do a few because someone hogged the entire show.
	Dudes, Ryan doing Gavin was legit one of the funniest episodes I've ever seen.
	Do this shit more often.
	Dang.
	Pull it up.
	I haven't watched it yet.
	At all?
	I just watched.
	No, a few seconds of it.
	I just found out about it like an hour ago.
	That's hilarious.
	But you tend to stop doing imitations.
	It's hard to do a long for.
	It was an hour and a half, just about.
	Dude, I could do a Scottish guy for three days.
	That's true.
	But you've been doing that a lot.
	For years you've been doing that.
	And we used Hollowed's...
	You know, Hollowed was the tech, was the Ryan.
	And we used this.
	That guy's got to get a fucking haircut.
	He will never.
	He didn't want me to get my haircut.
	What?
	He's like a hair long supremacist.
	Shouldn't you have a suit on?
	Well, no, sometimes you dress like...
	Or you wear a company shirt.
	Terrible so far.
	But that's just the regular intro.
	That's a heavy radio.
	I bought that because I wanted an old boom box.
	And I tried to look up boom boxes.
	And I asked a friend, he said, oh, those are going to cost $300.
	And I found it for like $70.
	So don't always listen to your friends.
	So I've been on vacation for a long time.
	It's a long time fuck.
	And, you know, people are getting angry.
	They're like, where's Gavin?
	But yesterday we put up a Gary's mailbag.
	And I think everybody's black lines on your eyes.
	Enough to get off my back because I work pretty hard.
	And on the vacation episode, Thanksgiving.
	We'll have episodes.
	We make sure of that.
	So this is the first time in a long time that the Gav man's been able to just chill out.
	I think that the glasses get explained.
	I'm getting bored.
	I'll put on the wrong glasses and we'll shoot two pairs of glasses today because sometimes I'll put on the wrong glasses and we'll shoot like three or four minutes of gold.
	And then I'll realize I have the wrong glasses on.
	So I'll stop and then we'll start it all over again.
	So now I have two pairs, just in case which is the right one.
	I think these are the ones that I wore when I covered for Gavin on the Gavin McKinnis show.
	Show back to Ryan.
	At my old alma mater.
	Okay.
	And then there's bits and segments.
	I'll check it out.
	You got the backgrounds working?
	Did a great job.
	I'm not sure you're allowed to do that without my permission.
	It was in a group text, and we assumed you saw it.
	Victorian England, 1901 in HD Color.
	Check out this footage from England in 1901 of laborers.
	I found it fascinating.
	At 450, a fight kicks off.
	We were definitely a tougher breed back then.
	Well, yeah, right?
	It's still the end of the Industrial Revolution.
	Hello, my name is Dennis.
	Thank you for subscribing to my channel.
	Here I will show amazing things that happen.
	Oh, that's annoying.
	Boys, so boys, and men were men.
	Maybe we could use a man like Winston Churchill again.
	Piccadilly Surface Circus.
	I've seen this footage.
	This was an ancient Chinese secret.
	And I just love the idea of a fight happening and no one talking about it the next day.
	No lawsuits.
	No cops called.
	Like, these guys might not even remember this.
	Who's Alan?
	Alan, you fought him when we were leaving work last year.
	I did?
	No, I didn't.
	Yeah, you did.
	It was on YouTube in the future.
	Oh, right.
	Oh, yeah.
	Because he called my wife fat.
	DND.
	Is that a kid in there?
	Yeah, little kids hard at work.
	Anyway, COVID variants part of the plan?
	Asks this baby monster.
	Remember we call our viewers baby monsters?
	We'll have a...
	By the way, everything's back to normal now.
	Tuesday, tomorrow will be a normal show.
	Wednesday is compound censored.
	Thursday is baby monster live.
	Friday is a normal show.
	Don't you, what a, what a back.
	Gav Asian Gav, with the possibility that these vaccines are causing the variants, what?
	Might this be part of some master plan to attack the disobedient and help the obedient?
	But wait a minute.
	He says that the vaccines are causing the variants.
	So it would be punishing the obedient and rewarding the disobedient because disobedient people don't get the vaccine, which is now going to be mandatory for flying, which will mean a lot less black people will be flying, which means I might not have as many stories for my next trip.
	By the way, the book I was trying to remember is called NYPD True.
	And I read a lot of cop books and the grammar on them is terrible and it's part of the charm.
	You can almost, especially the New York guys, you can hear their accent.
	That dude I had on the show, the green chameleon, the guy who had a great career as a detective in Colorado, and caught the dude who shot him 50 years later.
	He got shot in 71 and he just caught the guy.
	Yeah, the blue chameleon, sorry.
	It's all over the place.
	He'll go off at a tangent.
	He'll have a story that's like three sentences.
	Some story will be two chapters.
	It was fun.
	It's a fun book to read.
	I like it.
	Now, if you want intellect, Heather McDonald's War on Cops is a fucking masterpiece.
	I wish I could make the entire country read it at gunpoint.
	There are so many intense stats in there about the myths of black crime and the whole concept that cops are out hunting them and disproportionately arresting them and all that shit about like the punishment for crack cocaine was way worse than cocaine.
	She explains all of those myths in great detail.
	Like the whole thing about whites actually do more drugs than blacks, but blacks get prosecuted for it more.
	They looked into that study and they've discovered the blacks were lying about it more.
	They did a study where they took your hair out and tested your hair and blacks were seen to be doing way more drugs than whites.
	Stuff like that.
	But she also talks about blacks who aren't involved in crime and how they're ignored and, you know, it's not like it's a pro-white, anti-black book.
	There are lots of scientific papers on what happens with vaccines that do not eliminate the virus.
	The consensus seems to be, since the vaccines don't stop people from being infected and don't kill the virus, they adapt, mutate, and become stronger.
	The vaccine is like wearing a bulletproof vest.
	You can still get shot in the chest, but with a vest, you reduce your side effects.
	This guy's pro-vaccine, I guess.
	I love diving down these conspiracy theories who knows exactly what's going on with this mayhem.
	I'd love to hear your thoughts and commentary on this.
	I don't believe in the vaccine.
	I think that old people should probably get it.
	Fat people should probably get it.
	But the whole thing about COVID is the lesson to glean has been ignored.
	And it is we in America have an obesity problem.
	Now, we've had pandemics before.
	We had a brutal one in 1969, the same year we had Woodstock, and they kill the old.
	So there's nothing to learn from all these old people dying besides the fact that old people are vulnerable and we knew that.
	And you shouldn't put infected patients in old folks' homes, which Cuomo did because he didn't want to put them on a boat that Trump sent because he's a fucking psychotic, evil human being who killed 14,000 old people.
	I think the whole lesson from COVID is fat.
	You need to get in shape.
	Stop being fat.
	You're vulnerable.
	You will die.
	And no one's picked up on that.
	Joe Rogan is talking about it like this week, but otherwise, it's been totally ignored by the media.
	And if you talk to a surgeon, a doctor, about the obese patients in his hospital, it's hair whitening.
	It's shocking the amount of self-abuse these fucking fat idiots do to themselves and the amount of dead bodies.
	But no one likes to talk about it because fat people buy shit.
	And I've told you a million times at Fox News, they would tell me to take it easy on the fatties because they pay our bills.
	The why of things.
	Gavin Rai, please say you're covering this today in the episode after Sheen Cardi B's nasty video.
	Apparently it's not doing well.
	So Lizzo's take is it's fat phobic, it's racist, it's hurtful.
	Since when are we forced to fully embrace exceptions to the rules as rules?
	Since when are we not allowed to criticize obesity and vulgarity in public?
	Lizzo twerking that 380-pound fanny in see-through spandex with an obviously pregnant Cardi B?
	Question mark?
	Since when does the world have to consider that high art?
	Can we call her phobic of the things she doesn't like?
	She certainly does enough of that to everyone else.
	I feel like I should be the happiest.
	It just.
	You're a fat, hideous pig who's constantly nude.
	That's just a fact.
	I feel so down.
	You should.
	You should feel down.
	You ate so much food, you turned yourself into a walking, a ticking time bomb.
	I've been working triple time.
	She feels so bad that her.
	I was listening to Rhonda Rousey on Howard Stern the other day, and she was talking about when she was at Olympic Judo, how she would always get in shit from her coach for not for weighing too much.
	And she had to be whatever it was, 65 kilograms or whatever, 135.
	I can't remember the number.
	But like, go to a boxing gym.
	That's all they talk about in the dressing room is getting their weight down.
	That's what boxing is.
	It's all weight talk.
	You don't want to...
	Someone like me is fat enough to be in a heavyweight.
	I could fight Mike Tyson.
	He would murder me before he even got in the ring.
	I would die of fear.
	I'd die of shitting my pants to death.
	So I want to get out of the heavyweight class.
	I want to get down to someone who won't murder me too fast.
	Anyway, who gives me?
	This is crazy here.
	So the official video is third in line.
	There's the lyric video.
	There's the explicit audio without a music video.
	And the third one is the video.
	So they can put it up without getting it taken down?
	I fuck him and you, yeah.
	If you believe I do that, had to cut some hoes loose, yeah.
	So it's another song about fucking wet pussies and bitch.
	I don't give two shit.
	All the rumors are true, yeah.
	I've been in the music.
	My ex-nigga, she blue.
	Last year, I thought I wouldn't lose it.
	Read shit on the internet.
	My smootie clinton money.
	No, I ain't fuck great.
	Spending all your time trying to break a woman down.
	Like a generic okay-pop song to me.
	Let me up the house, bitch.
	You like how the bass sounds fat?
	I'm a big ass bitch.
	You notice the bass sounds like a fat, like mom.
	I like how it's all about how I'm a big ass bitch, and you better get with me.
	You better get correct because I got a big fat ass.
	I don't care what you think.
	And then people go, ah, it's kind of a gross video with her big fat ass.
	And she's like, I can't believe people said I'm have a big fat ass.
	That's your song.
	That you don't care.
	Your song is called, I got a big fat ass, go fuck yourself.
	And then we go, you have a big fat ass, you go fuck yourself.
	And then she starts crying.
	That's Cardi got to say.
	Yeah.
	Oh, she's pregnant.
	The fuck does it make them a bald bitch?
	It's a pop hate.
	But I'ma keep doing what I wanna do.
	It just sucks.
	It's just the parody of humanity.
	It's sort of like, remember Charlie's Angels, the second remake?
	And they said, oh, it did badly because of sexism.
	And you go, really?
	The one with Lucy Lou and Drew Barrymore made hundreds of millions of dollars.
	It was a massive hit.
	That had women in it too, dumbass.
	It's just these people keep going to the like, it's because I'm a woman or I'm black or I'm fat because they can.
	We have to stop letting them get away with it.
	Say, no, it's because you suck.
	This movie ruled.
	It's on Censor Presents.
	It's on what?
	Censor Presents.
	Us watching it with the commentary.
	Oh, no, we watched the shitty one, you retard.
	Oh, this is the good one?
	Wrong again.
	This is the good one?
	Oh, yeah, it is.
	Yeah, Bill Murray.
	It was...
	See, it had an element of humor.
	You know what a movie I saw on vacation that's really good is Baywatch.
	It's sort of like, it's funny how people talk about the Proud Boys and they're totally devoid of humor and they're like, they have a ritual where they name breakfast cereals and it's so evil and dangerous.
	They've just missed out on the humor.
	And I was watching Baywatch the way these HuffPo journalists or Independent or The Guardian or Daily Beast, the way they see things.
	And I could see watching Baywatch in a serious way and being like, that's bullshit.
	And not getting the jokes.
	And I realized that's how they live their lives.
	They are humorless cunts.
	Yeah, it's really funny.
	Oh my God.
	I also watched Barb and Stars Adventure written by Kristen Wigg.
	It is the most self-indulgent piece of stupid garbage you've ever seen in your life.
	It's a comic book for kids.
	It's Captain Underpants.
	One of the scenes, they're on the edge of a cliff, and the evil woman who's over the top painted white, she looks ridiculous.
	She's going to say, you can either jump off this cliff and die or you'll get eaten by alligators.
	Okay?
	So they decide, I'd rather jump to my death.
	So they jump to their deaths, but they have culottes on and those act like umbrellas and they slowly land perfectly.
	So now they've created, like it's a realistic movie for some of it, and then in that thing, all of a sudden pants are magic.
	Like women have trouble with the parameters of a comedic universe.
	You have to commit.
	So if now there's no such thing as gravity, okay, now you're making a space movie.
	Like you can't just change the rules of physics in one part and not the other parts.
	Wait, they're making a...
	This is not Barb and Starr.
	Yeah, it's a miserable.
	Mysterious parody.
	Yeah, all their trailers were really weird, which is good because it makes you less likely to go check it out.
	It fucking sucks.
	Time Star.
	Short for Starbreath.
	It's like Kristen Wigg made it for herself and her friend and that's it.
	I want to thank Barb and Star for hosting tonight's talking club and for making their hot dog suit.
	I like the salt, I like the hat dad.
	I would like it if that universe was the whole movie.
	But no, they go to outer space, but it's Florida, but it's not, and they have threesomes, and there's drugs, and there's spies, and people die, and there's an evil super villain who's like going to blow, has trained mosquitoes that are going to kill everyone in the town because they were mean to her when she was a kid.
	I mean, what?
	Oh, then it's a musical.
	Just randomly, just once.
	Utter shit.
	Roll number again, please, sir?
	6-11.
	Anyway, don't watch it.
	6-11?
	Then I watched The Deer Hunter right after to cleanse the palate, which I think is the greatest movie I ever made.
	Although, the guy who directed it, he also did the worst movie I ever wade.
	Having Kim Wade, I think it's called.
	But he's a rich guy who fetishized working-class people, which I do too, I guess.
	And he loves them so much that they're these sort of rumbling, bumbling, bamboozling, sweaty, drinking, bon vivants to the point of absurdity.
	Like the first half of the movie, no, that's the end.
	They're like, they've always got a beer in their hand.
	They're falling down and running naked and jumping off things.
	And it's like, dude, you like the working class a little too much.
	They're not that fun.
	Just look up beginning of, or look up wedding scene in Deer Hunter.
	Their ties are half off.
	They're all sweaty and falling and hugging and kissing.
	It's like Bacchus in every scene.
	Jump in the middle there.
	That's just a boring wedding for them.
	No farther.
	That's when De Niro decides he wants Mae's street.
	But Christopher Watkin has her.
	She's my girl.
	Go away.
	Anyway, it's an incredible movie.
	And the best thing about it is you're in the factory with them at the beginning, and then boom, you're in Vietnam and it's halfway over, like the war.
	So there's no getting on a plane.
	And that's probably how it felt.
	Whereas like one day I was at the factory, the next day I was in a bamboo cage in Saigon.
	Which, by the way, have you seen the viral videos or viral pictures going around of Americans being rescued from the American embassy in Saigon and Americans being rescued from the American embassy in Kabul?
	And it's the exact same picture.
	It's like the meme.
	That's the same picture.
	Same fucking helicopter.
	See if you can find that while I read this.
	This is from Tom McDonald.
	Whoa.
	Dear Gavman and boy blunder, honestly, hope Gavin had a great vacation.
	Thanks for the good content while you're away.
	You should do more recycled stuff so often.
	It was great to see some of those old bits and green screens without having to dig through.
	That's not Photoshopped.
	Wow.
	One is Saigon in whatever it was, 74.
	One is Kabul like yesterday.
	Way to go, Joe.
	You're worse than Carter.
	Worse than Nixon.
	Ah, Nixon wasn't bad.
	I have to reiterate a gripe with the app video player, which does not have a 10-second rewind feature.
	Despite your tech guys' insistence, it is there.
	While it is a feature on the website video player, it is not a feature on the app video player, which may be the root of the confusion.
	Anyway, have a good day.
	News is rife with potential for content.
	And then he adds, check out my new single, Tom McDonald.
	Oops, I just sent that to you by mistake.
	I meant to send that to the tech guy.
	There's a new update of the app coming up soon, and all of your gripes will be fixed.
	All right, last letter before we go.
	Ryan's GOML episode was not awful.
	Huh.
	Wow.
	Look at you.
	I'm impressed.
	Thank you.
	All right, let's get to the final video.
	So we have a rough draft of the Lizzo video before she got Cardi B involved, and she just used a duck.
	I think it's pretty good.
	I don't like the song that much.
	So brave.
	Astoundingly brave and original.
	Wait, is that goose...
	Is that duck trying to get up?
	Yeah, I don't think he likes it.
	Yeah, has he got some sort of wire holding him down?
	Looks like it, doesn't it?
	What's around his neck?
	This is art.
	This is high art.
	This is America.
	We let them win.
	It's our fault in many ways.
	I mean, Trump could have seen that they were manipulating the election for the four years he was in office.
	He did nothing.
	He did nothing to strangle big tech.
	We barely got a wall.
	And yes, the left has done a lot to sabotage our culture, as we can see from that video to that picture.
	It's been quite a decline.
	But we also allowed it to happen.
	And there's some silver lining to this cloud, and that is that the radical left can see what their world is.
	And their world is unemployment, inflation, tyranny, the Middle East collapsing, the world falling apart, unemployment, you know, CRT in schools, mask mandates, double vaccines.
	It's the tyranny of the oppressed, and it's not going well, folks.
	All we can hope is that they've learned from their mistakes and they can see that the world under a guy who did mean tweets wasn't so bad.
	The patriarchy isn't so bad after all.
	Anyway, I like you more than a friend.
	Get fired, get in trouble, Be brave and never stop fighting.
	Like crazy, get the fuck.
	The shallows are my day.
	Rock, we got it for the ball.
	The shallow magic ball, rock, we got it for.
	I can't go off these jet fighters.
	You said you better run your babe.

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