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April 26, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:14:13
S03E103 - MAILBAG CATCH-UP 3
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Time Text
From New York, it's the end of my morning with Devin McGuinness.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that's a surprisingly funky jam for a Motown song, right?
I am.
It's got a lot of it, it pops, what do you guys say?
It snaps, it pops.
It slaps.
It slaps.
It is very funky.
Sometimes things are funky.
You don't expect to be funky, like Black Sabbath, Fairies Wear Boots.
That song was written by Georgia Dobbins.
And it was Motown, when Motown was sort of just getting its legs.
This is 1961.
She didn't write the music.
Some friend of hers wrote sort of a blues riff with that piano.
And she wrote the lyrics, took her three days.
Barry Gordy pooped his pants when he heard it.
He knew it was a hit right away, and it was.
It went to number one.
Motown's first number one hit.
Wow.
That's not Georgia Dobbins, though.
She left the band right after the audition.
Whoa.
To go pursue, to go pursue, to help her ailing mother.
She just wrote songs for money.
And I think she really regretted it.
And then Michael Strahan replaced her.
I see.
Yes.
Let's hear it.
Her boyfriend was in the Navy.
Which in the 60s, not a big deal.
War is over.
Although, wait a minute.
When's Vietnam again?
68.
I'm retarded.
Between the wars, Philly Bragg would say.
You know why?
I think the band who did the music, I think they were called the Funk Brothers.
Guess who's playing drums on that song?
Who?
Marvin Gaye.
What?
Yep.
What a multi-talented drummer.
So did...
Did you know Marvin Gaye?
You know that disco song?
Yeah.
And you hear people partying in the background?
Yeah.
You know why?
Why?
Because people are partying in the background.
That's a 13-minute song.
And he went to the record label.
Obviously, the guy's got experience.
He goes back to drumming for Mr. Postman in 1961.
And they go, there's a mistake here.
You included just some party.
I guess someone pressed record and you're just fucking around.
And he goes, no, that's the song.
Marv, it's 13 minutes long.
I can't go on the album.
He goes, well, then you don't, I'm not giving you the album then.
Not bad.
And they go, well, we're not putting it out.
And he goes, well, there's nothing to put out.
You can't have any other songs unless you include this 13-minute jam.
And he forced them to.
It was a fucking massive hit.
Can you find that?
Damn, by the way.
I think it started in 1955.
What did?
The Vietnam War.
That doesn't sound right to me.
That doesn't sound right, no.
That's when they started their Asian shit.
But when did we...
Well, the Vietnam War, right, was they said, okay, France, you can have Vietnam back.
And then the communists took it over.
And they said, and then France said, can you help us?
And next thing you know, we're doing all their fucking dirty work on behalf of fucking France?
Faggotsville?
In 1969, following the election of Richard Nixon, Vietnamization began, which saw the conflict expanded.
So I don't think we started cooking until what you said.
But it was 55, 10 years after the end of the war, that France said, hey, they're not giving it to us.
I'll give it to you all right, France.
But find that Marvin Gaye song.
Yeah, that's it.
It says live at the London Palladium.
But that's the original.
This is the original part you hear it.
Is there another song ever that has people partying in the background?
Love Roller Coaster has the...
You could hear people in the background and they theorized that it was...
It was a really wild conspiracy what that was.
They thought they were killing a woman in the background.
You remember that?
No.
What's Live Roller Coaster?
Early internet, they had this theory.
Rollercoaster of love.
So you hear this.
What's that song called, by the way?
The 13-minute or oh, gotta give it up.
I'm gonna see where that went on the charts while you look up your thing.
So I'll find it.
Gotta give it up.
His dad blew him away.
Father, father, father.
There's far too many of us died.
Fuck you.
Okay.
There's the end of that.
Somebody said it was jealousy.
I was like, it's got to be more than that.
Somebody said it was a fight with his...
Do you know why?
No.
Fight with his mom, somebody postulated.
I'll tell you what.
Marvin Gaye probably gave him a million bucks, and he probably became a drunken fucking cokehead loser who lost his shit.
And during a blackout, he went so crazy, he shot his son.
So Marvin Gaye was on fire when that came out, 76.
No, 77?
That was when punk was out.
But where did it go on the charts?
Charts, charts, charts.
Charts, charts, charts.
So this says nearly 40 years ago, hit song by Ohio players.
You know, there's a scream in it.
Let's see.
It was a number one hit in 77.
I know this jam.
We didn't hear nobody getting killed.
Okay.
The theory was that she was killed because she was complaining that they ruined her career because the album cover, they had this model covered in honey and she was kneeling on a fiberglass surface.
And that bonded to her skin.
And when she got up, it tore the flesh off.
She could no longer model.
So she came back in causing a fuss while they were recording.
Is that more gorilla glue honey?
Yeah.
There was no GoFundMes back then, so it was tough times.
So, oh, this is supposed to look like honey.
Anyway, so I ripped her skin off, and then she comes into the studio while they're recording this, and she's like, you fucking ruined me.
And they were like, let's just kill you.
And then they just killed her, and it's on tape.
That's retarded.
Yeah, yeah.
But early internet, there was no way to...
Remember that stupid theory about rape, murder!
It's just a shadow.
It's just a shadowy.
Yeah.
Of course.
And they go, what happened was she gave 110% of herself to that song, and it led to a miscarriage, and her baby died.
They've got her up at 3 in the morning, and they made her come into the studio and do that song.
And you should be looking this up.
I still believe that.
I remember trying to look that up, and I couldn't find a thing.
Remember, we found an interview and she didn't mention it.
I was like, you bitch.
Did that really happen?
I'll tell you what happened.
She did Coke.
Oh.
What's her name?
What's the song called?
Not a shout away.
It's called.
Yeah, just a shout away.
No, it's called something else.
Give me shelter.
Give me shelter.
Yeah, she got up at 3 in the morning.
She was tired.
She was stupid.
She did Coke.
This is just my theory.
And babies don't like Coke.
Whatever you do, your baby does.
In fact, if you're breastfeeding and you do Coke, your baby's going to die.
That happened to someone we know, too.
Back in the early New York days, there were this couple, and they were doing tons of Coke and breastfeeding, and then their baby mysteriously died.
I said to my girlfriend at the time, who's now my wife, I go, you know that they killed that baby, right?
And everyone kind of knew that, but they weren't ostracized.
They still hung around, even though they murdered their baby.
Being known as a racist were supporting Trump.
No.
Jennifer Chiba appears to have killed Elliot Smith.
That's fine, too.
What a fucking crazy word.
Gary.
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the microphone.
Well, it does seem weird.
He didn't turn it, though, so I take that back.
He didn't do that.
So is this your...
I mean, I'm not saying it's true, but is there anywhere to back this up online?
No.
But you're with the Rolling Stones.
Yeah, it's four in the morning.
She definitely smoked weed first, and then was like, I can do a little bump.
And what year was this?
Let's see.
Give me shelter was probably 81.
69, recorded in 69.
Oh.
Not even close.
That's some old shit, bro.
All right.
So that's our rock and roll Hall of Fame.
Today is all mailbag.
That's why I chose Mr. Postman.
Wait, was that recorded by Killerman, Wallace Sound?
You're talking about Phil Spector.
Phil Spector.
No, that was Motown.
That was Barry Gordy.
Gotcha.
I think.
Right?
Let me touch it.
Oh, the Carpenters brought it to number one, too.
And the Beatles covered it.
Let's hear the Carpenters do it.
Who recorded it?
Just the same song.
Yeah, it's got that same thick sound.
I thought they were going to thin it out and make it all airy.
Sucks.
I can't just cover the song exactly.
That's karaoke.
What about the Beatles?
They included it in their live act in 1962.
Fuck you.
That's actually shittier.
Yeah.
They shittied it up.
Nobody ever covered a song like Jimi Hendrix covered All on the Watchtower.
He re-just transformed the fucking song.
The original sounds nothing.
And the original sucks.
I like it, but yeah.
Oh, look, the Watchtower.
Hey.
Oh, Bob Dewitt.
Oh, I gotta blow my nose.
I'm talking about bouncers.
Oh, every other time he looks so fine.
Within you.
Oh, how does it feel?
Oh, yeah.
He inspired me to be a, to like sing with guitar because I was like, if he could do it.
Yeah, and you suck.
You know, it's a boy.
Yeah, I know.
But you don't have to not suck.
What?
Like, you could suck and still.
By the way, speaking of music, the other day Ryan was talking to Gav about fucking tunes, just dudes.
And he's like, fucking Shania Twain's drummer.
Total tranny, man.
So he's always like mugging for the cameras.
Like, dude, just play this song.
Just play it.
Don't impress me much.
And I'm just sitting there going, what the fuck?
And then he's showing me videos of Shania Twain.
I was like, isn't this garbage?
Like, that's his dad.
He knows like the drummer's dad is also the bassist or some shit.
The guitar player, yeah.
The guitar player.
And then I'm supposed to be watching this going, yeah, she totally sucks on drums, dude.
Shania sucks.
She used to be with, I like old Shania before she sold out.
This drummer's ruining a really powerful woman.
That's the dad there.
And he was like, you couldn't believe it.
We are playing for the Twain Shania.
And here's the fake woman.
Looks like Frankenstein.
Just looks like a dude.
And in a rock and roll context, when you're used to Motley Crew and stuff, it's just like with glam into account, you just go, that's a dude playing drums.
Oh, yeah.
Looks like Tommy Lee or, you know, Skid Row on their first album.
You know what's interesting?
And then he shows me a later version of her, and he's like, look how fat she is.
I mean, she just looks like a housewife doing karaoke.
Yeah, like a sassy Long Island mom.
Yeah, Shania Twain and what she used to be bro.
Talk about bros before hoes.
Real quick, though, you know how the tranny.
Tranny's a tranny?
She's trying to play drums like a female too.
Like, look at the wrists.
Like, look at the daintiness.
Like, she's in character while drumming.
That's nice.
Pretty impressive.
I don't.
That doesn't impress you much?
Shania Twain is not on my radar.
She don't impress me much.
Okay.
And then he goes, well, you joke about Shania Twain all the time.
And I go, no, I said if I ever meet Brad Pitt, I'm going to say, so you're Brad Pitt.
That don't impress me much.
And then walk away, which is hilarious.
And it's also a parody of someone liking Shania Twain.
I obviously don't genuinely ever listen to that fucking shit.
What's next?
Gloria Estevans, fucking bassist, has weird boots?
You have hurt me today.
All right, first letter on the special letter edition of...
Get off my lawn.
Letter rip.
King of all drunks and faggy teacup Rivera.
Thought you'd find this interesting.
Wind energy.
In quotes.
But you didn't know most of the parts for a wind turbine are built in Germany.
It requires 60 gallons of oils to lubricate the turbine.
Where do you think that oil leaks when a seal bursts on the ground?
The blades are made of toxic fiberglass combination and are buried in landfills in Wyoming, but that's safe for groundwater.
The turbine has to spin continually for seven plus years just to replace the energy it took to manufacture the turbine.
It has to run continually for 50 years just to pay for the cost to manufacture and install the turbine, which is approximately $2 million per turbine.
I did not know that.
I did know that it uses a ton of fossil fuels to create.
But those are some specific details that are...
I mean, we all kind of knew that instinctively, right?
We all knew that this alternative energy is bullshit.
And when you point that out to the greenies, they go, I know, but you spend so much money on helping oil companies mine oil or what's the word, fucking dig for oil?
I think mine.
Why don't you spend that kind of money on green energy?
Okay, why don't I spend tons of money trying to get George Costanza in the NBA?
We could get him bouncier shoes.
We could put little springs on his shoes.
That might get him in the NBA.
It's not meant to be.
The free market handles what's meant to be.
And the reason we add money to the oil industry that's already kicking ass is because we get the money back.
As we just saw with wind, it takes fucking half a century to get your money back.
Anyway, this is all obvious.
There's two groups in the world.
There's the curious and the incurious.
And it's all laid out there for the curious.
Everything.
Who's guilty, who's a Nazi, what fascism is.
That's all laid out for you.
This is from Mark.
Hey, Gavin, here's a new movie you'll be sure to love.
It's called The Mauritanian.
Mauritanian?
And it chronicles the unfair persecution and legal battle the head recruiter of the 9-11 terror attacks faced in the American legal system.
Poor fella.
What a wonderful story.
Can't wait for the movie about Omar Katter, who received $10 million for the inconvenience of being sent to Guantanamo for terrorism.
A man who lost his passport.
You want to represent the head recruiter for 9-11.
Mohamedou Old Slati, the Mauritani involved in Guantanamo.
He recruited the guys who flew your friend's plane into the South Tower.
He put those men on my husband's plane.
I'm going to make him pay.
In the event the detainee lunges for you, push back away from the table.
We'll get in there as quick as we can.
You know what my punishment would be if I was the judge?
He's not tied up.
He's just standing there.
And every victim's family, all 3,000 family, all 3,000 victims, their families, so maybe we're up to like immediate families.
Maybe we're up to like 9,000.
They all get to punch him.
How many times?
Just leave him alive for the next one.
Yeah.
So, yeah, don't go bananas.
Like, the first guy doesn't get to punch him 800 times.
But there's a lineup.
And then by the end, he's just like jam.
He's just mush.
I didn't know the last person's just punching some mush.
Mashed potatoes.
You want to leave him alive for the next one, though.
Otherwise, it's not gratifying.
And now you're stealing their vengeance.
I didn't know the lead singer of Trap, my buddy Chris Taylor Brown, was in this movie.
My buddy.
It's my buddy.
Yeah.
We text.
We're in a group.
Okay.
I'm Nancy Hollander.
This is my associate.
We wish to represent you.
We are seeking the death penalty.
But if we miss something, this guy goes home.
Let's get to it.
Call this pumper.
Speak to my mother.
Tell her.
I don't know.
Something nice.
The U.S. government is holding upwards of 700 prisoners Guantamo.
Since when did we start locking people up without a trial in this country?
I don't know.
Since terrorism?
Just they flew apart.
Fuck you.
You know how hard it is for anyone considered a Nazi or a white supremacist to get a lawyer?
It's completely impossible.
Like the Proud Boys, the Halifax 5.
They dared to question an anti-Canada Day rally on Canada Day.
And we could not get them a fucking lawyer.
We wrote up, did all the paperwork.
Ezra spent five grand getting all the paperwork done.
All he had to do was file it.
Couldn't get anyone in all the Halifax.
However, murder 3,000 people and we got you a lawyer, no problem.
Alright, so that's annoying.
Wait, this is the same Mark.
He doesn't get to.
Oh, he's from Halifax.
What a coincidence.
Word on the street is that Pelosi and the device behind the scenes, Clinton's moments, are the ones pushing the sexual assault allegations about Cuomo.
Why?
Because everyone stopped talking about the real crime of thousands of dead elderly people.
It's a distraction to divert attention, and it's working.
I don't think it is working.
I would argue the opposite.
I would argue that this sexual assault thing is getting wings, and inevitably, the nursing homes are attached to those wings.
It's dragging, or say it's a pickup truck.
The nursing homes are dragging along behind this pickup truck like a dead body.
So I'm fine with it.
If that's what they're doing, they're fucking retarded.
Because people were defending the nursing homes.
They want to defend Cuomo.
Now they can't defend Cuomo.
So they're going, fuck it, let's throw the nursing homes in with him.
Now, you could argue that he's a scapegoat and they're going to make the nursing homes 100% him.
Like he's Milosevic or some sort of war criminal, which I'm fine with, by the way.
I hope he rots in hell.
There's an argument there, but I don't think it's hiding it.
Good Lord, I'm retarded.
I'd like to formally apologize for sending in such a shitty email last night.
I had a bit too much Kentucky Treamer.
Needless to say, I was bourbon-faced.
Love the show.
Ryan, stop playing with your fucking hair.
And then earlier, we have a 9 o'clock drunk email from this man saying that he had an epiphany while listening to Papa Was a Rolling Stone, and it sounds just like George Floyd's son in the future.
I never got a chance to see him.
Mama just hung her head and said, Papa was a fentanyl addict.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he died, all that, it's not funny.
You suck.
Thank you, Jake, for leaking.
So this guy is recommending Oklahoma.
Not a single county went blue in 2016.
Multiple large Trump rallies.
Trump flags on homes and vehicles everywhere.
Southern culture, this is point two, southern culture, tons of guns, camping, blah, blah, blah.
Number three, most of it is boring, but eastern Oklahoma has parts of the Ozark Mountains, which is beautiful.
I'm from Broken Arrow, a suburb of Tulsa.
So you're less than 30 minutes from downtown living, blah, blah, blah.
Broken Arrow is awesome.
We never had any COVID lockdowns.
We also have Little Sahara, which is a big area full of sand dunes where people from all over bring their dirt bikes, ATVs, side-by-sides, and other big expensive toys to race, ramp, and crash on the dunes pretty much year-round.
We get a full dose of all climates.
This year we got several large snows, but usually that's pretty rare.
Usually we get lucky one good dose is snow.
So I've been sending all these to a little file called Moving.
He also says, sports are huge here, particularly football and baseball.
There's no MLB teams here, but you have no trouble at all finding teams for your kids to join.
It's not weird how few.
Like I was looking at a map of America.
Eastern Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, no baseball teams.
The last baseball team is the Baltimore Orioles, and then nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing until Florida with the Marlins and the Buccaneers.
Hmm.
I guess it's money.
So I'm sending that to myself for my little file.
Oh, that's a handy map.
Let me see that.
Oh, the...
Yeah, that makes sense.
DC's south of Baltimore.
It doesn't seem that way when you're on the train.
It seems horizontal, but I guess it is south.
Atlanta Braves.
Wow, look at that.
We only have...
Who are those guys in the Pacific Northwest?
What are they called again?
What is it?
The Seattle...
Oh, Mariners.
The Mariners.
Why were you reluctant?
Do you not know what Pacific Northwest means?
Yeah, that's correct.
Well, I do, but I had to think about it.
I thought it was Hawaii, so I went down here first.
I was like, that's Pacific North.
That's pretty northwest.
Pretty darn northwest.
I guess it's all money, right?
You don't have a lot of money.
Huh.
There's a lot.
I'm dependent on you to give me the...
You know what's fun about being 50?
You don't have to put on music.
You just listen to it in your head.
Yep.
Let me look at a map.
Where is Broken Arrow, Oklahoma?
Put that blank in there.
Of course, Ryan has to add his single mom music, Angle.
Broken Arrow.
Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I've never not lived by the sea, but why bother?
I don't like the beach.
I don't give a fuck about the sea.
I've always, since I've been 17, from 17 to 50, I've lived within a 10-minute drive to the sea.
Or a major body of water.
Major river.
So Oklahoma's just north of Texas.
I did not know that.
All right.
Jack, is it possible that his nipples chafe and he puts tape over them because he's a fag?
That doesn't explain the perfect X's, although we did have someone mail in and say, dude, it's suspenders.
He has suspenders under his shirt, and that's the buckles.
And I looked at the picture again after that being said.
There's zero evidence of any kind of strap, so it's a very, very thin strap.
And it's strange that the buckles for the suspenders are exactly, exactly where the nipples would be.
Also, what kind of buckle is an X like that?
I've had a million pairs of suspenders.
I still have.
They all have a horizontal, either a clip or a plastic sort of thing that you can thread.
I've never seen an X. There's no decoration on the strap itself.
They're meant to be discrete.
Right.
They're not meant to be an X. This one's an outer standard.
Yeah.
But these are for the under.
Who the fuck wears suspenders under their golf shirt, too, on their bare skin?
Yeah, that is bananas.
Weird.
Not Cuomo.
So I'm not buying that.
Go back to the Cuomo nipple picture.
And there's...
I mean, it's really tight against his gorgeous little tits.
You know, if you have those kind of things...
Yeah.
Like, do you see any evidence of any kind of strap anywhere?
I know.
I see the buckle thing you're saying, but no.
No.
You know that if you are a man and you have pierced nipples, you love having your nipples licked.
Oh, my God.
Watching Cuomo have sex.
See, a little fruitless.
And again, all this shit.
You can get away with that, but all of this shit about, like, when you read the actual sexual harassment things, I've done much worse.
Especially to you.
Oh, yeah.
Like, it's not unusual for me to crawl into bed nude.
In fact, we did that with our tech guy when we were in Seattle.
I crawled into bed naked with him, and he starts freaking out.
And I'm holding on to him, nude, screaming, it's just a joke.
It's a joke.
I mean, that's sexual harassment.
It's a joke.
He started it.
Cuomo, you started the cancel culture.
You threw my boys in prison for four years by convincing the justice system that he's a Nazi, that they're Nazis.
Yeah, those aren't suspect.
Oh, wait a minute.
Look right above me.
What, you think you see a little strap around his shoulder?
Yeah.
I see some lighting there.
Yeah.
It could be a fold, you know, but.
That's the closest thing to evidence about that.
Sure.
It's just so weird to have an X on your suspend.
And wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
His pants are tucked in.
His shirt's tucked into his pants.
Yeah.
So what are the suspenders linked to?
His underwear?
And he has a belt on.
Now, I have seen some southerners wear a suspender and belt, but it's on the outside because the shirt's tucked in.
You can't tuck a shirt in and have suspenders.
Fucking the millennial who brought this up to me too was like, hey, moron.
It's called suspenders.
Now, hold on a second.
And didn't he even say that it was lav mics?
Yeah.
He said it was.
I can't remember who said it, but it was lavs.
I like to have a microphone and then, of course, a lav on each nipple.
Just to make quadruple sure.
And by the way, when I have lavs, there are actually two lavs on each nipple.
So I have four or five mics.
I'm just thinking about all the liberals who are like, that's like fun.
Like, he's like cool.
I hope there's nobody like that.
You know when pierced nipples are acceptable when I did it for my external woman?
Never.
Oh, oops.
Never.
I had my left nipple.
Not on a woman, nowhere.
Oh.
Piercings in general.
I mean, earrings, I guess we could talk about, but fucking these chicks with their septum piercings and shit.
Earpiece or microphone on this shirt?
You guys have not looked enough.
Suspected nipple hair.
Nipple hair?
These people are crazy.
That's the dumbest, shittiest theory.
No, it doesn't.
You don't know what suspenders look like.
You don't know what nipple hair is supposed to be.
You don't know about earpieces or this is facts.
This is like the incurious are just, they're always running whatchamacall for the left.
What do you call that?
Running PR?
Running.
Running game or something?
Is it possible his nipples chafe and he puts tape over?
He's definitely fag.
No, we tried that.
His nipples chafe.
Hey guys, every caller is completely ignorant of the ancient context ancient Jews were immersed in.
All of this young earth creationism is a very recent and exclusively American idea that turns any intelligent person away from Christ.
Just like your very own, atheism is unstoppable.
Last week, two people called in saying Behemoth in the book of Job was a dinosaur.
But seeing that Behemoth appears adjacent to a fictional, fire-breathing, multi-headed chaos dragon, it should caution the reader to automatically presume Behemoth is a member of the animal kingdom.
The behemoth and Leviathan are simply literary devices, representations of chaos that we see in other literature among ancient Israel's peers.
These verses are meant to teach us lessons about God's domination over all cosmic order.
The Old Testament does not teach that Adam and Eve were the first humans, that there was a global flood, or that humans lived alongside dinosaurs.
Check out Biologos to learn more.
Christian Foundation started by Francis Collins, lead of the Human Genome Project.
Please don't use my name.
I like my job.
Well, then get fired and get in trouble.
All right, this is a very long one.
I'm going to skip it.
Biologos.
This may be ancient Chinese secret, but I stumbled upon this while browsing WorldStar Hip Hop.
Can you imagine if the races were reversed?
He's not playing about his fucking kids.
I just like, uh-uh.
Uh-oh, he's scared, OG.
Crack your shit.
You hear this, nigga?
Go get your cans, man.
This is because of Trump.
He gets knocked out.
Looks like Mr. Wong needs a gun.
I really want to see some real-life Jackie Chan shit.
Where's like, oh, the one's no problem?
And then he starts.
Yeah, that's why those movies are popular because we all want to see that.
What is that, a golf club?
It looks like a trash picker-upper, no?
Because the mechanism at the end?
Google shit.
They're just bored and angry and dumb.
Crying's not a good luck, dude.
How to make a racist, part one.
Is it possible there's.
I'm not saying any.
Yeah, it's a garbage picker-upper.
Is there a breed of sociopaths that have no empathy?
They all have no empathy, moron.
That's what a sociopath is.
These damn white supremacists.
This is from Brian.
Hey, Gavin, Rye Guy.
Oops, what happened?
This racism shit is getting so fucking old.
White people don't give two turtle shits about what race you are.
As far as us being taught that everything belongs to us, it's so fucking stupid.
Yes, I was taught by my father, who was present, to bust my ass to get what I want, and that's what I do.
60 plus hours a week at a limestone mine.
Half of these crybabies wouldn't last a week there.
Maybe if these black quote-unquote leaders would address the real issues instead of blaming the white man, shit could actually get done.
Pathetic.
Right, and that's why I keep saying we're at a divorce now where white America and sane black America and right America in general has just went, yeah, I'm done.
I'm done explaining it.
If you want to come work on this limestone mine with me, by all means, we need your help.
Otherwise, fuck off.
No, I'm not calling you that.
No, I'm not having more than one bathroom.
This is from Gina.
Real diversity in the 90s.
No one gave a shit.
Sex bomb McInnes.
Nice.
I like that.
I don't.
Why not?
It's too much.
Why would you not want me to be a sex bomb?
I'm not fucking you.
Why would you work for a sex bomb?
Why not?
Dania Twain's drummer works for a sex bomb.
I'm not a playmate.
I'm a play.
No, I'm the playmate in this analogy.
What does that make me?
What's this?
This is a fishbone?
The link with the include, no?
Came across this gem from 93 and realized it's a perfect example of how in the 90s race was never a thing, never a problem, never an issue.
Besides Badbrain, it's hard to find a more perfect example.
Look at this freaking show.
Epic.
Also, this song could be an anthem for today's cancel culture.
Fuck you with my heels on, Gigi.
Of course, when a woman says that, I get a boner.
Fuck you with my bobby socks and heels on.
Okay, now I have a fucking raging wood.
Great, a sex bomb has a raging wood.
I'm going to say, send pics, or it didn't happen.
Let me fuck you with my heels on, yeah.
This is the cleanse.
Yeah, I remember.
You know what Fishbone used to do?
We used to go to Fishbone concerts as a young man.
They were like a ska band, but it was acceptable for punks.
What's that?
Asians beating up a black guy.
No context.
Doesn't look very painful.
Apparently it gets pretty brutal.
Maybe I'll just stop.
Maybe they're retaliating for shit like this.
Or we don't know the context.
You're right.
He probably stole an orange or something.
Stolen orange.
I need citrus.
That's a good name for a band.
What's up, we're stolen orange?
Or aren't you glad we didn't steal orange?
They used to have this thing, a celebration of heterosexuality.
Fishbone did.
I think 24-7 Spies did too.
And that is considered incredibly controversial today.
Remember Milo, the Straight Pride Parade?
And that was considered unthinkably taboo?
What?
I was trying to look for that, but I came across a BBC article, The Invention of Heterosexuality, in quotes.
Oh, fuck.
Really?
Is that why I don't like sucking dicks?
Because I've been brainwashed?
They did a really good job because I really don't want to suck a dick.
Some effective washing of brains.
Yeah.
What do they do?
Fucking stick a cattle prod up my anus every time I thought of it?
There has been an interesting development in the UK.
He calls his trannies, by the way, dear trannies.
Where the education secretary is announcing new measures where universities will be fined for stifling free speech.
Yes, we discussed this, sir.
It's called a free speech champion.
This was covered on the show.
Thank you very much for not watching.
Wait, holy cow.
What?
There's a bunch of articles basically the same title.
The Invention of Heterosexuality.
And when did this come out?
I want to go up to the author of that article, Thomas Rogers, and just say, hey, assuming he's straight.
Hey, Thomas, here's a dick.
Why don't you go nuts?
Go bananas.
You can just work.
Start by working the balls.
It's just an invention.
And then jerk it a bit.
You can wash it with a wet wipe if you don't want any dick cheese.
And then just get smoking that.
Oh, just get right in there.
I'd like you to gag if you could.
He'd appreciate it.
I mean, not wanting to do that is a myth.
So get to work.
It's sort of like Leslie Jones when they go, she looks breathtaking on the red carpet.
You're like, oh, good news.
She wants to fuck you.
She's right there in bed with her giant size 13 feet and her fucking weird spiky fro.
You know what else?
Holy shit.
You know how TMZ will catch a lady on the beach, like looking like Flabby?
They're like, Selena Gomez put on a few pounds.
She looks like shit.
Yeah, I remember the guy from Lord of the Dance was in a tablet when I was in Scotland and it said, Lard of the Dance.
And he had a big beer gut.
They would never do that to her.
They'd be like, look, she's looking like shit.
And she would never photograph her on the beach.
Yeah.
That's craze, bro.
That's crazy to think about.
I've never thought about that.
Big chocolate whale.
Beached whale.
Yum.
Fudgy the whale.
So Michael, Gavin and Ryan like you both more than their friends, so I'm concerned about gender issues at the primary education level because I have a seven-year-old daughter.
I'd like to make the overall landscape better for our girls.
I have an idea for a new gang.
I'd love your input on it.
I'd like to call it something like Girls Club or the Girls and Boys Club.
The idea behind it would be to combat all the trans ideology coming to our schools.
It would involve girls in sports and or gym or fitness classes who don't like the idea of trans dudes in the dressing room or playing in girls' sports with them.
Also, it would involve normal straight dudes who may or may not be friends with these girls during normal circumstances, who would basically intimidate these trans kids by telling them they need to be need to not be pulling political moves to get into girls' sports and locker rooms, bathrooms with our girls.
So, in a way, they'd be bullying them.
But it isn't shoving shit like trans boys in a girls' changing room form of bullying.
I feel we need a way to fight back and feel it to start with young people.
What say you?
Obviously, a very tricky movement to start.
Yeah, I think an easier thing would be to get involved in any kind of girls and boys club and be adamant that no trans people are admitted and then die on that hill when they are, when they do show up.
They might never show up, though.
I know in my league up in Westchester, there's a woman whose son sucks at baseball, but she wants him to experience it, so she wants him to play girls softball.
What could be worse?
And apparently a precedent has been set.
They've done this before.
Dude, do you want your son to get wedgied so bad that his ass splits in two and he becomes two kids?
You want to make twins?
Yeah.
That's trans something.
You're trying to duplicate your son.
Maybe two players will be a better job.
It was AFI After Your Time of Punk?
Yeah.
Okay.
They did a song Balls Will Row where he becomes a trainee so that way he could bowl in the female bowling league.
Hey Gabe, Ryan, I came across this the other day on cracked.
Yes, fully aware how bad this site is, especially nowadays.
Go to number two.
It's essentially the same useless ass who writes for a dying leftist comedy site and for a seven paragraph explains that after Vice, you are an utter failure.
Keep up the good work.
What's the title of this?
This is going to hurt my feelings.
Four embarrassing moments in the history of big sites.
Okay.
Number two.
Vice is number one website if people want to stay abreast of.
I love when these guys write like they want a job at Vice.
It was actually founded in 1994.
It's a print magazine, Voice in Montreal.
And one of its three founders would eventually launch noted fascist clown show organization, The Proud Boys.
Vice's early tome was different.
Recent headlines are neo-Nazi terrorists planned fortified compound in Michigan, and police used fire engine tear guys to arrest Georgia opposition leader.
While old print stories include Bikaki on My Face, Welcome to the Ancient World of the Japanese Facial.
Yes, that was my day.
And The Vice Guide to Shagging Muslims.
Yes, that was me.
And I designed that cover, and that cover actually is four different covers.
And when you put it together, it's one giant picture.
It was horny and edgy, at least in the sense that a 14-year-old white kid saying the N-word thinks they're edgy.
Oh.
Pulitzer material right here.
What?
You're in cracked magazine, dude.
Yeah, wait.
I'm just learning about it.
Sorry, it wasn't Pulitzer-y enough.
A 2007 issue about Iraq, that's not really me.
Signal a shift to more serious ambitions.
And in 2008, McKinnis left supportively over creative differences, although he's being called a white supremacist as early as 2003.
And advertisers had apparently grown sick of his political outbursts.
Why don't we click on that?
Let's see the proof of that.
And this is...
When did you lose your mind when you hired me?
Who's what's at the top?
Let's see.
When did it get me lost?
Oh, that's Eugene S. Robinson.
OZY magazine?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's this black dude, this MMA fighter that I was friends with.
And he wrote this terrible article in OZY, whatever that's called.
And I contact him, I go, where are you getting this from?
And he goes, I don't know.
I heard it.
And I go, from who?
He allegedly defecated in the middle of an intersection just because.
When asked later whether the incident took place, he said, who can remember?
Yeah, I agree.
You might have done that in DC.
I might have witnessed you do that.
Click on advertisers.
Just go like Command F advertisers.
Okay, advertising.
The scuttlebutt was that about half a million dollars of advertising would threaten to walk unless something was done.
That's just false.
That's just a made-up fact.
Oh, AF's article was posted, McKinnis responded to our original that he had been fired by Vice, which we since changed.
Here's his reply in full wasn't fired.
Viacom was actually worried about me being ousted and thought it was dangerous, a dangerous move because I was the brand.
It would be more accurate to say his constant fraternizing with extremists on the right and left was making advertisers uneasy.
Vice was getting too big for its britches and associating with the far right was bad for business.
Far left wasn't an issue, apparently.
All right.
I like how they make it seem like a comment.
Look how small that is.
Right above the comment.
It looks like a comment, doesn't it?
Sure.
Wow, there you go.
Okay, go back.
Spotlight that.
That guy's a good friend of mine, by the way.
He's so dumb that he thought that article was fine.
Vice was a fashion column.
His primary gig advice was a fashion column.
That's not true.
That was one of my many gigs.
So he tried to parlay that into a career.
What?
His departure email included the cringe-worthy line, there's tons of other projects in the worth, and I'll announce them as they blossom into fruition like a hundred humid vaginas in the presence of God's boner.
That's pretty accurate.
I did end up with a ton of other projects in the works.
I made movies, wrote books, developed TV, started the Proud Boys, started an ad agency, did a million sketches, did a stand-up comedy career, made a movie of that, had this show,
had a restaurant.
What about that as credit worthy?
Developed a real estate deal, started a startup or two.
I'm up to eight things now.
A fam?
Family.
Does Mark Hill have a family?
Cracked is my family.
McInnis wrote a couple books and launched a rival publication.
Failed to make waves with his new site.
That's true.
Sad subpar attempt.
That's true.
Their logo is a cartoon of McInnes and his co-founder urinating.
Yes, that's true.
There were 10,000 sites like this.
You mean like cracked?
Can you think of anything more fucked up than a man letting the woman have a guy friend?
I've heard of doing some shit for pussy, but man, that's some crazy shit.
And then, though it did actually keep limping along until 2017, only with the classiest of hot takes.
Let's see what that classy hot take is.
This is a problem when you attack someone.
They go through it.
Jermaine Dumbri.
What's this?
Guy Pals Ain't Chill.
Yeah, I don't remember that article, but it looks pretty funny.
And it's true.
Wait.
It turns out that your whole shtick is pretending to be an off-putting creep.
You might actually just be an off-putting creep.
That's fine.
McInnis's entire post-Vice career was a string of boring failures.
And so naturally, he founded an organization based on punching people who don't think he represents the pinnacle of human development.
Yeah, I've heard that theory before.
The problem is, I was out at Vice in like 05, 06.
It was deteriorating.
Took about two years to negotiate the split.
And by the end of 07, I was gone.
The Proud Boys was like 10 years later.
I can't believe it.
So to say Proud Boys was some sort of reaction to post-Vice is a bit of a stretch.
If you could see like a sizzle reel of all the Gavin McKinnon show moments, there's nothing boring about that show.
It's a person who's not very versed in it.
Pretty successful.
It started the Proud Boys.
Yeah.
And it was a wild show.
It was one of the wildest shows on the entire network.
When I first went there, you were doing a record-breaking live stream, right?
You're talking about a four-day show.
Yeah.
And none of this is to say that you should necessarily dislike vice for the actions of a man who's infirmious.
The baller.
Please give me a job.
The baller.
It's just really funny that McInnis helped launch the exact kind of publication he now thinks is destroying Western civilization.
No, that's not that unvalue.
Oh, that you launched the exact.
Yeah, yeah.
No, that's true.
I mean, they're making fun of these headlines like, you know, but they have, I mean, the Bukaki shit is like what they do these days.
They're like, could you snort communism?
He says it's funny that you launched a publication that you say it's destroying Western civilization.
That's true.
And it is funny.
That's what happens when you're incredibly influential.
One of your things that you created starts contradicting the other gigantic thing you created.
And the guy who wrote that will never create anything.
Isn't that amazing?
I mean, I can't believe that.
Go back.
Let's look up that guy.
Mark Hill.
This is the funny thing about these people who talk about what failures everyone else is.
Is this based on Cracked Magazine?
Of course.
Okay.
I've heard this podcast, and this guy is such a...
Oh, you can't find him.
He doesn't exist on the internet.
What if you've got to put Mark Hill in cracked, you numb stuff?
I did.
Cracked.
No, Mark Hill, sorry, in quotes.
Okay.
For the one billionth time.
He doesn't exist.
They often don't like to show themselves.
Well, they often don't use real names.
They're throwing stones from no houses.
Yeah.
Mark Hill.
Yeah, have you ever heard their podcast?
The guy's voice is so beta and so weird, it feels like he's like whispering in your ear.
And his mouth noises.
This letter from Keith, I can't thank you enough for riding Ryan's ass about fucking with his hair.
It is by far the most annoying part of the show.
I would say the most annoying thing about it, too, is he doesn't have any shame.
It's the same as going like this.
You know, Anthony Kumiya does it before every show.
No, it's nothing close to what you do.
Yeah, he knows the city.
He says, what is happening here?
Yeah, for two seconds.
You sit there and primp and preen every single time you're on the thing.
You have a hat on right now to style your hair.
That's true.
That's embarrassing.
And I like it.
You have a hat on indoors because you're trying to style your hair.
It also goes, I mean, come on.
This is a great outfit.
The brown with the neutral colors.
What?
Neutral colors.
This is from Chris.
Ryan is lying.
Ooh, I read this early.
I wrote a letter to your mail bag about a month or two back.
I don't recall exactly what the subject was, but I used the example of dinosaur bones and museums aren't real to explain my point.
In the letter, I stated that I didn't exactly not believe in dinosaurs, but I did find it curious the museums try to kind of hide the fact that the bones aren't real.
My letter was published on the Dear Censored segment, so I know Ryan read it.
I think he read my letter and I planned the seed in his head about dinosaurs.
Come clean, Rye guy.
That's possible?
P.S. If I had to lean one way, I would say they didn't exist.
Back the jab.
Well, you're just fucking retarded, Chris.
And this is what's happening with these people, and Ryan's one of them.
They didn't pay attention in school.
They're uneducated.
They don't read books.
So they want to jump in at the end and look at a bunch of YouTube videos and then go, I don't think they exist.
And use some catchphrases that are in some dumb YouTube videos without verification because they don't have the base education.
So they just spit over.
And you see this with women in astrology.
They didn't pay attention in science class, especially the pretty ones.
They're getting invited to parties.
But they like the idea of science.
It seems cool.
So they jump in at the end and learn a bunch of dumb little phrases about astrology and Scorpio rising and what's your sign and blah, blah, blah.
Even though we made a discovery not long ago where everyone's sign is nine months off because our understanding of the stars has shifted.
So you're not your sign anymore, but whatever.
And it's like pretend education.
You see this a lot with chicks and gays and dumb guys.
They invent a bunch of little tricks.
It's like the secret, that Oprah thing.
Secret.
This is from Bruce.
I thought you might enjoy this short Instagram video of Biden discussing minorities having a lack of ACEs access.
He spelled access ACEs.
And yes, we've seen that and discussed it a lot.
Amazing intro song, this guy says, begins at 0020.
That's pretty good.
Nigga means that.
Yeah.
I bet that means not that.
Imagine I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that.
Imagine it doesn't translate into anything sensical in Chinese, but they just want it to sound like nay, nigga, nay, nigga.
It means actually what?
I've heard a comedian say, the reason I'm racist against Chinese is because they're racist.
They say nigger all the time.
And that joke only works if you live in a big city and you've heard Chinese people speaking Mandarin.
Because if you do that joke in Oklahoma, no one's going to know what the fuck you're talking about.
If you're Desmond Bishop, it might go over.
Boopa-doopa-dee.
We got to wrap it up soon.
Asians beat up blacks too.
Asian man beats a black woman in a beauty supply shop.
Using kung fu.
You know, take my stuff.
I want it.
It's almost like this woman's acting like the world belongs to her and she can go anywhere she wants and take whatever she wants.
Hey, Taneshi coats.
God, look at her body.
It's just so foghorn leghorn.
He's not beating her up.
She's going to bite your arm, dude.
You are subdued.
You don't bite an Asian armpit.
They're probably delicious.
Exactly.
Once you start, you can't stop.
I did a Korean fob once, fresh off the boat, and she was like, first time when I moved here, I was told that white people smell like hamburgers, and they do.
Yeah, I looked up at the bottom.
When she met me, she goes, I was really worried you'd have a small forehead.
Because apparently that's a deal.
You know what they say about men?
Big feet, big forehead.
She would come like eight times in a sesh.
I decided whenever I wanted her to come, I would just go all in and hold it there.
Come.
Would she be, would she ever initiate the sex?
Or was she just there whenever you wanted it and then she'd go along with it?
Because my idea of Asians is that they're just like, I guess.
Like you have to corral them into it.
But then once they're going, then they're fine.
But was she sexy?
Pretty rare woman initiates sex with the old G-Dog.
But usually because I'm pushing for it right out of the gate, so they don't have time to initiate it.
You got no tasks.
This is from Connor.
Howdy, Mr. McKinnison Dinosaur Boy.
Attaches a video of a man who turned part of his garage into a bar.
I've also attached a link to the Instagram post.
It's a screen recording, so the quality may be shitty as Ryan's theories.
When you finally make it down south, you should have this built in your garage and make Ryan do something useful for him, serve you drinks.
Could also be a cool spot to have people over.
Want to fuck you with the new cover of a magazine?
Why the music?
Why?
Every bar in America has that music and you have a bar and you can play anything you want and that's what you play.
I said, sure, we need some kind of normal life.
He took it to another level.
That disgusts me, dude.
Rock and roll is for bars.
Wait, go back.
There's bras.
There sure is.
So he asked if he could turn his garage into a bar.
I said, sure, we need some kind of normal life.
That's the biggest garage I've ever seen.
Is that a 50-car garage?
Bra chandelier.
And then what else is up there?
You know what?
You didn't build a bar in your garage.
You built a bar.
That's just a bar with great parking.
That's a bar with a garage.
That's a great.
Yeah, you're right.
It's a bar with great parking.
How is that homemade?
You just built a bar.
You don't have a register there?
That's just a bar, dude.
So you have a free bar.
Yeah.
It's just a free bar.
A great song.
I don't like the red plastic cups.
Free bar is my favorite Leonard skin.
Fashionable or pass.
Went to an airsoft military simulation at an abandoned hospital in Vicksburg, Missouri, and took this video before heading to the AO.
I don't know what that means.
Wanted to know what y'all thought of my outfit in the attached video.
Area of operations.
I like you.
I just made that.
First of all, that's a terrible use of that meme.
It's supposed to be real cranberry, not water.
And you're not moving.
Dude, that is so half-thank you for your service, but that is so half-assed.
Not moving and not drinking action.
Like, we've seen them in helicopters.
We've seen people skydiving with it.
We've seen people fucking going to...
Going at 150 miles an hour.
You're just sitting in your car with a camo shirt on?
Yeah.
Well, Paisley, which is worse.
Oh, my God.
That is pathetic.
It's, you know, you need to put the music over the video too, because otherwise you hear like the sounds.
It takes away from the immersion.
And then you could hear your mouth going like...
And it takes away from the whole thing.
It's just my little two cents.
No, you're right.
That guy can kill us both.
That was fucking terrible.
You should stick to killing jihadists.
Gav prevented a suicide today.
Final video.
Even though I'm 29, single, even though every relationship ends with the woman I fall in love with telling me she's not that into me.
29, that means nothing.
Even though I have mountains of student debt, even though my job is horrible, you said don't freak out, so I won't.
Thanks.
Okay, that's good to know.
I was talking with that basketball player who slammed his head against the wall and became paralyzed.
Dude, 29 is nothing.
I'm 50.
If I was single right now, I could easily get a girl of any age, 19 to 50, and do great.
There's lots of fish in the sea.
3.5 billion, to be precise.
Church.
Sneeze video drop.
Ryan, please make Gavin sneezing a video drop.
Okay.
When are you going to use it?
right before somebody says bless you.
That's not funny.
Mr. Merrick, thank you.
Best thing to come from your show is the advice of becoming a father.
Greatest ever.
Oh, it's your baby.
I like how they're always taking information in.
Yeah, he's like learning about it.
He's like, what's this now?
Is this a threat to me?
Wait, what?
Did he say racist?
You say hi?
You see, look at my big muscles.
Yeah.
Who's that baby?
He's so handsome.
They're so dubious, as they should be.
He's so handsome.
And he's like, I don't know.
That's why they eat shitty food like crackers and bread because they don't know what's not poison, so they can't be adventurous.
Oh, he's looking at himself.
That's why he's.
Oh, yeah, it's a front-facing camera, I believe.
That's why he's like amused by that.
I'm fucking bald.
I didn't know I was so bald.
This is from Chris, how to stop a sneeze.
I'd be surprised if you didn't already know this, but there is an ancient Chinese secret to stopping a sneeze.
If you push on the area right below your nose, right before a sneeze, it will stop you from sneezing.
Then you can blow your nose or something to prevent it coming back.
See below for Walter Disney's famous illustrated demonstration.
You didn't.
And of course he doesn't include it.
Also, Ryan, where were you on that on-dip shit?
Where were you on that on-dip shit?
What?
Happy Gilmore.
Aren't Walter Disney movies your one and only area of expertise?
Does he mean Walt?
Oh, I guess that's Walt Disney?
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Space sex.
He's drunk.
That's 10.25 p.m.
I know Chris, too, but that doesn't make sense to me.
Seattle Dad stands up to race educator, finally a guy with a spine.
Please don't be some ancient meme from two years ago, 2021, March.
A white man from Renton emailed us saying that he needed advice, even some help.
Tonight, Kristen Ayers begins a series of reports about his personal reckoning with racism.
Year old white Western Washington man, a husband, a father.
And there's one more thing you should know about Steve.
I know that I'm racist and I don't want to be.
I don't mean to be.
I'm trying not to be.
Late last year, on an episode of King's Facing Race broadcast.
When I was way skinnier, he admitted.
I see a group of white kids and I see a group of black kids.
I'm going to be more on guard with the black kids because of the way that I was trained, the way I was.
No, that's called noticing patterns, my friend.
Not what you'd expect from a man whose stepdaughter, Caitlin Noble, is biracial.
Steve married Caitlin's mother, Alex, and has breakfast.
Caitlin, since she was a toddler.
Yeah, he's all I know as a father speaking.
Mounting unrest over a nationwide fight for racial justice has opened a chasm between Caitlin and her parents.
Honestly, right now, I don't really feel very connected to the...
They've stopped talking.
How about the black dad that walked out on you?
Do you feel connected to him?
He's probably innocent.
Do you know his fucking name?
Jesus.
That's where I'm going.
We feel connected to the people who picked up the pieces after my black father abandoned me.
Who's this silly cunt?
Remember the bad guy in spawn?
It's that.
Played by John Labrison.
Over the next few days, we're taking you inside a family's fight to do the hard work of facing race.
Oh my god.
That's enough.
The hard work.
So the black dad abandons them.
He raises a daughter who's not his own, which is literally a cuck.
And it's all about the work he has to do.
How about the work he did?
And the work her biological father didn't do?
Look at this guy.
The shame.
All the bad things I've done.
Oh, I'm so sick of this shit.
I gotta see.
I was told.
I don't really let black people drink out of a white drinking fountain.
So what did you make up then about?
That's my new, that's my new way to cope.
I just go, I gotta send this to Anthony Cumia.
He was alive for segregation.
He was talking about the different water fountains.
So if you were alive to see that and you're alive to see now, I'm appalled that you're not like, no, it's way better now.
Things are good.
White guy picks up the pieces.
Take away.
White guy should do more.
All right, that put me in a bad mood.
Is a bacon, egg, and cheese on a Kaiser the best breakfast ever?
Maybe you have some shitty Quebecois breakfast?
Dude, don't start fucking with Quebec when it comes to breakfast.
Your background is French.
You're going to lose.
Breakfast in Quebec is heaven on earth.
Yeah, you're right.
Actually, the food in Quebec is heaven.
Oh, fuck.
I just saw a picture of this, and they were like, remove one thing.
Wait, that's an English breakfast.
That's an English breakfast.
With the bangers.
Fried tomato.
Plenty of fried tomato.
Yeah, that's a pure English breakfast.
Where to eat in Montreal, Quebec, though.
But even if you go to a shitty, like, what's that one where they talked about the white parking lot, Crook County, Betty Crocker?
What's that one?
That Enrique had just been there?
Remember?
No.
SNL, they talked about whiter than a county.
Oh, country kitchen?
Oh, shit.
Log, something log.
Oh.
What's it called?
Betty Crocker Kitchen?
It's yellow.
Cook kitchen.
It's yellow.
County Crocker.
Cookie Crocker.
County.
Cook Crownie Crocker.
Cookie.
Country Cookie.
County Crock Cooker.
Cracker Barrel.
Cracker Barrel.
I can't believe I. Even if you go to the Cracker Barrel of Quebec, which is called, I forget what it's called.
It's a chain.
But it's fucking mind-blowing.
But yeah, egg and cheese in a Kaiser is good, but there's so much bread.
Any of this look familiar?
Ashton, St. Hubert.
Saint-Subert is a...
Benny and Company.
Caskrek, maybe I'm thinking of.
Casa-Krek?
Grek?
No, that's Greek house.
Pim Hortons.
Anyway, I'm drunk, says Ralph.
I like Miller Light and Evan Williams.
I like you guys.
You're smart and funny.
Thank you, drunk person.
By the way, when you're drunk, no need to send in emails.
Especially, Ralph 7, where you're talking about sneezing and Ryan's hair.
Bright Light may not have a completely white shelf.
Paint that shit.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey, G-Funkin' Bye Guy.
I just want to say that the reason I never canceled my censor.tv subscription is because of stories like your wife's birthday party.
It literally had me laughing out loud.
You're a funny dude.
I know we live in a fucking retarded time and politics and the culture war has to be addressed, but I find you the most funny when talking about random non-political shit.
If you care to know.
Hey, ever think about doing a Bill Meyer style New Rules segment?
New rule.
Where you rant about dumb shit that annoys you?
That would be good for my viewing pleasure.
Also, any chance you can archive all your green screen segments on the site?
That'd be awesome because a lot of those are worth rewatching.
P.S. Ryan, I see you have blue blocks.
Which ones would you recommend?
Any of them.
Ryan says any of them.
Just as usual.
I just went to Amazon.
He's like Gary, basically.
The technology is so easy to make nowadays, you can't go wrong.
PPS, Gavin, I think Ryan would beat you in a fight.
Not sparring, but a street fight.
Oh, my.
I would hope that a young man has some advantage over an older man.
No, not an old man who trains every day.
That's a good point.
I don't even want to get up early.
You're up and at him.
Hey, Gavin, Ryan, take a look at this music video from CPAC.
Well, no, we'll talk about that another time.
It's ancient news by now.
Trump CPAC video drops.
He has one without a logo.
They weren't coming because they couldn't get in.
Once they think they can get in, they're coming.
And they are coming at levels that you haven't even seen yet.
By the hundreds of thousands, by the millions, they'll be coming.
That's not a good drop.
It goes along with the, I'm going to come.
That one.
Here's another one.
They weren't coming because they couldn't get in.
Once they think they can get in, they're coming.
And they are coming at levels that you haven't even seen yet.
Oh, so just the coming one.
You'd have to isolate the coming.
I get it.
And here's one cut to perfection.
Okay, he edited this one to get down.
And they're coming, and they are coming at levels that you haven't even seen yet.
That's kind of.
I could see where that would be.
Yeah, that would be good.
Just the coming.
What is this one?
Where are they coming from?
They're coming all over the place.
That would be good for anything sexual.
Yeah.
All right, let's go to the final video from yesterday?
No, I sent you a bunch.
There's a lot that.
Yeah, in yesterday's.
Yeah, yesterday's.
What's the top one there?
I see here.
Okay, working with millennials.
Oh, this one's pretty good.
But there's a timestamp there, right?
Two faults.
Don't do a funny voice.
Now, this is badly directed, and it's poorly shot.
The beauty of when I was doing sketches with my ad agency, one of my millions of failures after Vice, was that we had all this great equipment.
So the audio was always perfect, the lighting was always great, and direction wasn't always perfect.
But she fucks up this line, but it's such a funny line.
Go back a little bit and stop fucking with my window all the time.
Well, you're all the way scooted.
Well, shouldn't that just be...
I'm always in the exact same spot.
Why do you have to always adjust?
No, when you go to the computer.
Your head is in a different cell.
Okay.
I need to take work off tomorrow for a mental health day.
Did you know millennials can actually be exceptionally creative with reasons why they need to miss work?
These eccentric excuses are normal to them, and they will be to you too.
Sure, that's a normal thing.
Hi, um, I know I only get 10 days.
It's such a funny line.
He says he needs a mental health day, which I've heard millennials say.
And she should have went, sure, that's a normal thing.
But she goes, sure, that's a normal thing.
Sure, that's a normal thing.
Hi.
Um, I know I only get 10 days paid vacation, but that wouldn't count a three-week Argentinian surf spirit quest, right?
Nope.
Why would it?
Why don't you go home early today?
Nothing in your mug, shitty actress.
Go back to the beginning, though.
There's one where he says you have to be there at 9, and she doesn't know the word 9, which Ryan doesn't know.
That's funny.
Keep going.
It's a beat.
Yeah, there we go.
There's a conference call scheduled for 10:30.
So that we're on the same page.
Let's do a pre-call about 9:30 a.m.
I don't understand.
Noodle.
Noodles.
93?
Cheryl Sandberg here isn't aware time exists before 10.30 a.m.
To her generation, there's a mysterious dead zone after 4 a.m. and before they stroll into work 40 minutes late with their iced coffee.
So take that into consideration for scheduling.
That's very difficult for me.
Fine, I'll take the call myself.
Oh, thank you.
Nailed it.
Pretty good.
What's the next one?
Oh, in that.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Amazing impressions of black comedian.
Oh, this guy's fucking good.
This guy's so good that when I first saw it, I thought, I thought Bernie Mac was dead.
Let me tell you, you poke some massage song.
If you want something in life, you better go get it.
Don't let nobody tell you you can't do it.
You can do whatever you want to be.
You better go get your dreams.
For a bust your head to the white man.
You heard what Bernie said, okay?
You better go live your dreams, okay?
If you're white, the sky is the limit.
But if you're black, the limit is the sky.
You know, that's my question.
Why is everybody American?
That was starting out to be really good.
Oh, that's an app that I can get.
Impressions.app.
Oh, dude.
I can't believe you haven't thought of that yet.
We've been watching Kyle Dungan.
Truth.
Truth.
Okay, that's your new job.
Just make...
You need everyone that you do.
We need to see them.
Do they have a Tlaib Stark?
They don't have a Tlaib Starks.
You'll have to forego that.
But I want to see Bilber.
I want to see Mulaney.
Who were you doing the other day?
Maybe.
Tim Poole.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know if they have him on there, but listen, man.
Anything's possible.
Yeah, they wouldn't have Tim Poole.
Check out this article from BuzzPed.
BuzzPed?
Actually, a lot of your guys are pretty esoteric.
They're kind of like, I don't think they'd have Jake.
I always call him Jake Tapper.
What's that?
John Taffer.
John Taffer.
He shuts it down.
Shut it down.
Yeah.
Do it.
These pipes are over.
13 years old.
That's going to get somebody Salmonella, right?
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
So many days you miss me by.
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