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Nov. 18, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:15:58
S02E87 - OFF THE CUFF MONDAY
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you fix the monitor and the thingamadoodle here?
That was Ings she's from Seattle She plays sweet licks and everyone loves them.
I listen to KEXP a lot, Hipster Station that's out of Seattle.
So I end up with a disproportionate interest, knowledge of Seattle rock.
These are handy, aren't they?
These little hand combs.
I was stretching in bed the other night, and I went, and my hand sort of touched my hair, and four hairs got stuck between my hand and the headboard.
As I pulled away, I heard them go, and I said to my father, oh, no, I just lost four crucial hairs in an area where I don't want to be losing them.
And she goes, you should think about Rogaine.
And I go, wait, what?
You want me to start taking Rogaine?
And she goes, well, I mean, I go, do you not want me to go bald?
And she goes, no.
And I'm thinking, that's not the deal.
It's through thick and through thin, life and death, bald and hair.
They say that.
That's how it goes.
I don't know.
And then I was kind of weirded out by that.
Through baldness and in hair?
Yeah.
You're supposed to say, I don't give a shit.
Right.
But then she sensed that I was kind of weirded out.
And then she goes, well, do you want me to go bald?
I go, you're a girl.
Yeah.
It doesn't happen.
It's like, how about this?
I don't want you to go through menopause.
Booyah.
Yes, I do.
No periods.
You can jizz in them.
Oh.
It's awesome.
But then they get wacky.
Wacky, schmacky.
Wacky, tabacky.
um we're gonna try a new thing today folks we have no agenda no notes no nothing this is going to be more like the podcast our old podcast that the fans are complaining that the new the podcast has just become a way to sell free speech.tv yeah I'm sorry your free shit isn't coming at you the way you want it to I'm sorry this free benefit concert isn't up your alley you guys pay so if we're going to have a fun off-the-cuff hang sesh it should be with you guys not a bunch
fucking strangers.
I know.
True.
I woke up with a bad feeling that I'm going to get sued.
Which is one of the reasons I'm so cheap, by the way.
I like to have a buffer, a nest egg, for emergencies.
I'm like a squirrel.
Always saving stuff.
I'm not a check-to-check dude like you.
I do kind of check-to-check.
I almost said the N word there.
Check-to-check nagger.
You almost said that?
Yeah.
If I did use that epithet, I would have used it with an A. Not a hardy R. Hardy R. Hardy R. And being good at it, if you will.
We got a letter from some German guy.
I'm sure I can find it.
We'll do You Got Mail.
You Got Mail.
We'll do Gavin's Mailbag.
Is that what it's called?
Ryan's Mailbag?
No, it's Gavin's Mailbag.
We'll do that.
But some German guy goes, yeah, you didn't invent the video drops.
That was in a popular German show I used to watch as a kid.
And then he showed me this thing that was just the Jesse Waters thing where you're showing a normal show and then you jump in with all these edited things.
He's doing Fred drops like on Howard Stern where it's just like when we're talking about farts.
But instead of a sound, it's a video.
That's us.
I hate this fucking shit.
All right, Ryan, calm down.
We invented that.
I wonder if you can make a board for yourself.
I got iPads out the wazoo at home, by the way.
That would help a lot.
Yeah?
Yeah, I think so.
You like that, you little bitch?
Yeah, I think that's pretty cool.
So let's begin the show with just rapping about our weekend, bro.
Broseph.
My weekend was amazing.
Very action-packed.
So Robin here is likely incapable of competing with Batman.
Now, why would you say that?
Oh, that Robin.
Oh, I never thought about that.
Howard Stern's Robin is Robin.
Oh, yeah.
Me neither.
I never thought of that.
He's Batman.
She's Robin.
I used to hate her, but I listen to Howard Stern in the car every day, and she really glues the show together.
I read her book, her autobiography.
I heard it was pretty crazy stuff, right?
She got...
Yeah, fingered by her dad.
Ew.
Yeah.
Her dad married her mom, said she's the ugliest woman I ever met.
Oh, my God.
But the weird thing is her black radicalization.
She claims it was because she had this friend, and then she was at a party, and the friend acted like she didn't know her, a white friend.
And ever since then, she was Farrakhan.
I don't know.
Ooh, I should put that little mouse next to Pee Wee.
What mouse?
Right there.
What little mouse?
This mouse.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would...
You would see his face.
Yeah.
And it would hide there.
There's something hanging back there.
Wouldn't he be cute there?
I believe it to be true.
I saw a really good show speaking of Farrakhan.
I don't know if he's...
Farrakhan's a prophet that I think you ought to listen to.
That was terrifying.
Public Enemy.
I like...
Imagine you had a white country song going, Richard Spencer is a guy that I think you ought to listen to.
Yeah, the most radical...
We have...
Professor Griff, of Public Enemy, has the same politics as Richard Spencer.
He wants segregation.
He doesn't want it government sanctified, but he wants blacks to have their own...
Actually, Richard Spencer wants blacks out of the country entirely.
But Professor Griff says, all right, that's not going to happen, but let's do like...
Florida...
Maybe...
North Carolina South Carolina like he wants to choose about six states that's how they move too how does that work with the mulattoes and the mixed race couples?
That's interesting.
Yeah, do they get booted out?
I don't know, but what's going on with your camera?
It's taking up way too much of my life.
Oh, no, I was just.
I haven't said anything like I haven't said enough for me to warrant.
No, look at that.
The framing of your camera is taking up, is showing too much of my self.
It should be zoomed in on you.
Oh.
Or tilted or something.
Like, you see you too much.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm trying to fix that.
I got angles.
You just, yeah, you just angle it.
But I had a cigar yesterday at the local place, and they were watching this show, and I thought it was a movie.
It was so good.
Vincent D'Anofrio's in it.
All the guys from all the gangster movies are in it.
It's called Godfather of Harlem, and it's really good.
Now, it's very racy.
There's a lot of Guinea.
There's a lot of N-word.
Forrest Whitaker is the main guy in it.
They have Malcolm Maxi's a character in it.
Adams pull up the TV series.
Yeah, it's on Epics.
It's a TV series, but it's done.
I hate when they do this.
Oh, you got it?
Okay.
Yeah, it's good.
Let me see.
I hate when you got to sign up.
It's like free speech.tv.
I hate when you have to sign up for shit.
It's really becoming a thing now.
We were talking about this right before the Nesh thing.
Me and the crew.
How you have to go from TV stuff to just all these different subscriptions.
Hulu, Netflix, blah, blah, blah.
Well, you have your, it's almost like your bands.
Like you have your, you should probably have like three or four.
And that's it.
And you don't watch TV.
Yeah.
That's why I like to keep the show down to an hour because you shouldn't be watching more than an hour of the G a day.
Yeah, you got to go out there and do something.
You got to have your own thoughts.
That's what I've been trying to get away from my phone.
I want to get out of my head.
That's the beauty of boxing.
You get out of your head.
This looks cool.
I'm gonna shoot this cow.
That's my dead cow.
Wait, what?
I'll shoot you right in the dead pig.
No.
Dude, now I have to get a bullet out of that pig if I'm going to have a selling.
Why'd you do that?
I have it.
You just cost me $40 to $50.
Been a long time, Joe.
It's 220s down the drain.
Just because you come from Sugar Hill, think you can play me.
I heard you got out, brother.
What is it you want from me, mom?
There's something I want you to see.
More heroin comes out of these Project Towers than any other place in Harlem.
So.
Wouldn't like this winner with away.
You know what I saw the other day?
Yeah.
That is, it's so good that you're watching it going, I looked over my wife and I went, this is awesome.
Nice.
Angel has fallen.
It's about these contractors who are pissed that the new president isn't hiring them to go overseas.
What are they called?
Black.
Blackwater?
Blackwater.
It's basically Blackwater pissed at the president.
And so they frame his number one bodyguard.
And it has a lot of action.
A lot of action.
This is Jared.
Not going to lie.
Gerard.
Gerard Butler, the Glass Region.
It's cold out here.
It's cold out here.
He loves Open Anthony, by the way.
Oh, really?
Why do we?
Yeah, they did an interview with him.
He's like, yeah, I listen to you all the time.
And he's dropping references.
By the way, just pause.
Isn't it funny how black actors can be disfigured and still famous?
Like Forrest Whitaker was shot in the eye.
He has 1.5 eyes.
Yes.
If you were his doctor and he was in there going, how is it, Doc?
And the doctor would have to say, you're never going to act again.
You lost 0.5 eyes.
And he's like, no, I think I'll have my own show about being a gangster in Harlem.
And then I was watching this movie, looking at fucking Morgan Spurlock's face, Morgan Freeman, and he...
They call it like cookie crisps.
Yeah, it's not just a couple moles.
He's been shot in the face with raisin buckshot.
And then there's entire dark patches.
Like he's a new race.
That is interesting.
He's the victim of an acid attack.
And there's a scene at the end where he's like...
Okay, I won't say it the context, but there's a scene towards the end where you see his face super close up and you're like, Jesus Christ.
Is there Land Rover from Mars about to walk over that fucking thing?
Did NASA promote this?
Look at that young picture.
Was he always a speckled face?
I don't see the speckles there.
It's hard to tell without resolution, but it seems normal.
Dude, he's got a handful of raisins glued to his face.
Yeah, his face is sponsored by Sunmaid.
Yeah, there's a couple raisins on there starting.
They've developed over time.
That's the baby raisin's face.
They're sunspots.
He's like a tree with the oak rings.
You can age him by his raisins.
You can tell how long the winter's going to be.
Two scoops of raisins in the package of Morgan Freeman's face.
Based on the shadow of his moles, you can tell if we're going to get another month of winter or not.
You can tell if we're going to get another boring movie.
His eyes just turned blue, or does he have blue eyes?
Or are they so bad they're glaucoma ink blue?
I don't fucking know.
Maybe it's rabies.
Didn't he fuck like his granddaughters?
Raisins and rabies.
Didn't he fuck his granddaughter?
The one that married her?
I think, right?
Who married his granddaughter as her granddaughter's friend?
There's something real creepy going on.
And she died.
Part of a cult thing, some sort of seance or something.
Oh, yeah.
What?
Yep.
Well, now we're off on a tangent.
See, that's what happens when the show is just an amorphous blob.
Daughter.
So Angel Has Fallen is about...
And yeah, the bad guys are white.
I'd like them to be terrorists.
But terrorists are kind of clowns, too.
So these guys that he's up against are the best in the world.
They're ex-Green Berets, ex-Marines, ex-military.
So they're all really good at their jobs.
And they have better technology than America.
So America doesn't know what to do.
Oh, God, I hate your webcam shit.
Look at those.
That scene's awesome.
Look at that guy flying in the air.
Was that CGI?
How did they do that?
He stumped in, ran, and jumped off a trampoline.
That's real.
Wow.
This is just one second.
And it's not like there's this one crazy climax.
This is the beginning of the movie.
Is this the trailer?
Why is the trailer just playing the movie?
It's kind of a great idea because this is the hook.
And then you just play the hook.
You're like, yeah, you're going to see the rest.
Get down, Raisin Face.
My brain.
You're going to wash these fucking raisins off your face.
We got to get some coral.
And then he comes up.
Did it work?
No, fuck.
My raisins are boring.
I'll never sink to the bottom.
Of course, Jada Pinkett Smith, the small black woman, is the genius who solves everything.
Now, you're going to be mad, but I bought another video game.
And in it, the two it, if you will.
I can't even hear the word it without seeing Gary Cole.
In it, if you will.
If you will.
And I'll be at an important meeting.
Like, well, if the capital gains tax is 20%, then maybe we should put the rest in real estate, and that will really do it.
And I go, if you will.
It's a curse.
There we go.
That's cookie crisp.
What is going on, dude?
It's cookie crisp disease.
I want to take a solding iron or some liquid nitrogen and just like, zap him off.
Yeah, that seems unreasonable.
He's a freak.
Him and what's his name, Lawrence Fishburne?
Is that who it was?
No.
Lawrence Fishburne's got a crater face.
Lawrence Fishburne, but the guy we just saw, Forrest Whitaker.
Force Whitaker.
He has Foggy Eye.
Go back to Angel Has Fallen.
Is that what it's called?
Angel Has Fallen.
Angel Has Fallen.
Ryan.
Angel has fallen.
Oh, something crazy.
Nick Nolte's in it.
Oh, cool.
We always joke because Nick Nolty's such a drunk that he doesn't know he's in a movie.
And when the bad guy is punching him, he's like, the guy who was at the catering truck just punched me really hard.
He was super nice to me at lunch, and then he grabbed me and threw me down.
I got a story on the subject, on the...
The area of Tropic Thunder when they were shooting.
On the set.
Nick Nolte was in his trailer, and he was so fucking wasted that he shit his pants.
No.
And then he thought, I lit up.
But I don't have any pants.
No problem.
So when the PA went to get him for a scene, he was there with duct tape and a garbage bag making pants.
Wow.
He had like a leg and a half.
He had Force Whitaker eyes worth of pant legs with duct tape and a contractor bag as he was fashioning what could have been kind of sexy, almost black leather pants to wear because his had shit all over them.
He's probably done it so often he's good at making garbage pants.
Yeah, well, that's the role he played too in the movie.
I don't think he knew when they were rolling and when they were not.
Maybe he's a method actor.
Yeah, he's really good at playing a drunk.
I thought my character would shit my pants.
Go play that for a sec.
You don't just show the picture and not play anything.
Couldn't find a Dixie coon skin with a high hooker holding your prick and showing you the way.
Okay.
What?
You're a wife.
You love Steve Coogan.
I love Coogan.
You're a Cooganer.
It's like a Cougar, but for men who like Steve Coogan.
Cook of the mouse or something.
I don't know.
All right, so that's enough.
Coogan's the best.
I don't know what it is.
We last saw you Thursday, right?
Thursday we did the greatest hits show.
I felt kind of bad because it was so heavily marketing and not just shooting the shit.
I have an idea.
What?
Tell me if it's lousy.
We do a show that is from the desk like this, meant for YouTube, and it's pre-produced.
We shoot it beforehand.
We set up the clips.
We have a little bit of fun.
And then we just put it to YouTube instead of putting the live show.
Yeah, your idea involves me doing an extra 25% work.
Well, just setting up a clip.
going to be mostly just cutting the clips perfectly.
And so it's going to be you just kind of Any is so Friday was Milo's show.
What did we do in the day?
I know what I did to my kid.
My son, there's a thing with kids that are like 10 or 11, actually all kids, but it gets better at 10 or 11.
It still exists at 6 and it still exists in the teens where they don't want to wear a jacket.
No one tells you what you're signing up for when you become a parent.
I assumed the trouble would be like fights, bullies, I don't know, grades.
I have to do his homework.
Never comes up.
There's no bullies.
There's no grades.
The trouble is screens.
50% of your job as a father is getting the screens away and monitoring screen time and making sure that there's no porn.
Everything is parent protected on all the devices.
And they're not just watching TikTok.
They're playing Minecraft if they are in their allotted screen time.
It's like being a corrections officer.
And then another huge part of it is pushing jackets like you're a fucking crack dealer.
Come on, man, try it, man.
It's really warm.
So I just got sick of it.
I'd catch him sneaking out in his shorts in the winter.
And I just said last week, I went, you know what?
Fuck it.
You win.
I don't care anymore.
I read that book, That Which Does Not Kill Us, about Wynn Hoff and cold training.
Yes.
And if you can get it, look how fat I am these days.
My plaid is bending.
If you can produce more brown Fat and learn to breathe in the cold.
It's very healthy for you.
So I thought, best case scenario, you learn how to survive the cold better than others.
Worst case scenario, you get super sick.
But I used to do this when they were younger.
I do this thing called Kids' Day, where you do whatever the fuck you want, eat whatever you want.
And they would always just watch TV, stay up till four.
They'd watch TV for like 20 of the 24 hours, eat junk food, get super sick, and the next day they were just devastated.
And I'd go, see, that's why I have rules.
So with my middle kid, I just said, fine, go nuts, buddy.
And he went out in 30-degree weather with just shorts on and a sweatshirt.
And I saw him shivering in the street.
I was driving around.
I was driving to go into the city on Saturday.
I don't really remember my Friday.
And I saw him just shivering on the street.
And I just thought, good, good.
It's a lesson learned.
And then today I hear him, and he's in the car and he's about to puke.
He has a fever.
Wow.
And I go, I go over to his bed this morning and he's going, oh, it's a rash on his face because your body's cooking the virus, right?
That's what a fever is.
It's trying to microwave the virus to death.
And the virus will have side effects, like little bumps all over your face.
So I go, I hate to tell you, dude, but this was the setup.
I warned you.
And you learned the hard way.
And you know what he said?
What?
Classic, my eldest boy.
He goes, you could have brought me pants.
Like I see him on the screen go, oh shit.
Here's a hat.
Are you okay?
Here's a hug.
No, dude, this is what you signed up for.
So now the rule is, if it's below 40, then you have to wear...
50 to 40, you have to wear pants.
Below 40, you got to wear a jacket and a hat.
I love going out with no coat, no jacket.
Last year, I actually did the Wim Hof method.
Remember, I was doing the ice baths?
Yeah.
Ice baths, you know, all that.
And then, um, but why do people say you can get a cold from the temperature being low?
Everybody tells me it's a myth, but I think you get a cold when you're in the cold.
Everybody tells you that's a myth.
Here's the problem with your minute brain.
And by the way, hanging out with you so much was giving me this thirst for knowledge because I felt like I was playing golf with a toddler.
And I realized that I had an IQ deficit hanging out with you.
And so last night I started reading all these intellectual books and it refurbished my IQ.
And it reminded me of when my wife was pregnant, she'd have a craving.
And she would just go, I don't know why, but and I would say, follow the craving, follow the craving.
It's there for a reason.
So she's like, okay.
And she ate about 350 grapefruits.
Like I could barely lift the garbage bag with the grapefruit husks.
And we researched later and discovered that our daughter in her was going through the part of the development that was the brain.
They were making the brain at that point.
And the brain uses citric acid.
So the body sent out a craving and said, get citric acid.
When I hang out with Detective Shitty, the brain says, you have an IQ deficit.
Go read Gulag Archipelago and Google Archipelago.
So Gulag Archipelago is by this Russian author, Shenzitsyn or something, and it's sort of like...
It's.
Oh, wow.
And it's just him, first-hand accounts of being on the Russian Gulag in the re-education camps.
And then Michael Rechtenwald is that anti-NYC, anti-PC NYU professor who was fired for being an anti-PC NYU professor, even though the guy was basically a communist, but he was a rational leftist, and that's not good enough for academia these days.
So he was fired, well, retired.
And I started reading his book.
And you know how you hate reading?
Yeah.
Here's a tip.
First of all, if you're reading fiction, fiction is for fags, you have to follow the arc of the stories.
You can't jump around.
Indulge yourself.
That's the beauty of nonfiction.
It's almost like a record.
Just leave.
If the chapter's boring, like he's got this chapter, Google Marxism.
It's a little too academic for my taste.
And I wanted to jump up to people who have been deplatformed.
I just jumped up.
You don't have to read the whole book.
You don't have to eat your vegetables.
I've read mostly nonfiction.
I've always have a thirst for it.
People hop around.
Are you bored?
And here's another thing.
Say you sort of space out and you lose a page.
Lose a page.
I think school really fucked us when it comes to reading books.
Oh, I see where you're being.
Because, yeah, I always shame myself to go back.
Yeah, you fucked up.
That's going to be on the test.
None of it's going to be on the test.
You can retain 5%.
That's fine.
No one's going to quiz you.
You don't have to become an expert on everything you read.
You don't have to finish the whole thing.
You can just fart around.
I think the secret to getting you back into books is to treat them as records.
Play a few songs.
If you're not liking that, put that away and go put on a new album.
Hop around.
Next to my desk downstairs, I've got like 50 books.
No, that's not true.
In my living room, I have about four books at all times.
Next to my bed, I have about six.
Who knows?
Sometimes I'll have a book that I barely dip into.
It'll take me years to finish.
Some books I never really finish because by the time I'm near the end, I forgot that other part.
I'm looking up all the books that I've read before.
So I got.
They're all children's books.
No, they're not.
The Elegant Universe is a theoretical physics book by Brian Greene.
The pig that wants to be eaten is a, All right, that's enough, Ryan.
This is like when you showed us what music you like for 20 minutes.
This one's really good, though.
It's called Natural History of the Senses, all about...
You're like, oh, wow.
Okay.
That sort of makes me leap.
Speaking of leaping all over the place, that will lead me to Sunday, where we had Dinesh D'Souza and Arthur D'Souza Michael Shermer gave me his book.
He's an atheist, and it's all about how science has.
Why don't you look up Arthur?
Michael Shermer, please.
Before you go too far, the cold weather thing is.
Okay, stop.
Let me explain something to you.
Sorry, you're right.
That was a huge tangent.
Your problem is that you're thinking of cold, the disease, and cold, the temperature.
Yes, they're synonyms.
When you get cold, your immune system is worse at its job because you're vulnerable.
You're busy taking care of trying to warm up your body.
That means germs can get in easier.
The same with being incredibly tired.
Say you only sleep three hours a night.
You're more likely to get a cold from lack of sleep.
Anything that or hungover, anything that leaves you vulnerable leaves you prey to bacteria, and that includes getting cold.
So you don't catch a cold from being cold.
You catch a cold from having a distracted immune system.
Right.
And also, the viruses that cause cold spread more easily in lower temperatures.
Interesting.
On top of that.
Maybe they spread more easily because more people have them because their immune systems suck.
Anyway.
So look up Michael Sherman's book, Shermer.
God damn, his name.
There's certain names that are just cursed.
I've known about this guy for a while.
And he's done a couple Rogans.
He's done five, he said.
I'd only seen one.
But while him and Dinesh were having this debate, and we just covered all the basics, I kind of regret not going with my gut instinct, which was, was it?
The moral arc.
That's the one I started.
Boy, it's hard.
It's hard after a hard day's work, too.
You sit down, you had a beer, and you're just like, all right, I'm just going to chill.
And basically, your brain wants you to read People Magazine and look at their outfits.
And then you pick up the moral arc, and you're like, Jesus, what's the subhead say?
How science and reason led humanity towards truth, justice, and freedom.
Dinesh disagreed with him on that, by the way, and said it was God.
So that was interesting.
But my first instinct was to say, what conspiracy theories are real?
I didn't ask that.
And you go, Gavin, why don't you go with your first instinct?
Okay, let me explain something.
With Gina Belafonte and Ann Coulter, I realized after the talk that I should have said, let's talk about sex.
Because Anne has some great theories about how Me Too and all this sort of fear of being a predator makes sex and dating worse.
And Gina Belafonte has a 23-year-old daughter who's going through this right now.
So it would be a perfect subject.
And I didn't do it.
And then with Cornell West and Candace Owens, I said, I'm not making that same mistake.
Hey, we have a black activist and a black philosopher, I guess I'd call you, Candace.
Oh, you're both philosophers, right and left.
And, you know, slavery comes up a lot with you two when you're discussing things, segregation.
So I think the first question is going to be what everyone thinks it'll be is, what about sex?
And I thought that would be a funny way to introduce the show.
And they both sort of go, what?
And that flopped.
So it's a roll of the dice.
I thought it was pretty good.
It led into a very good discussion about consent.
Well, I managed to steer the ship.
You did crashing.
It was a great yesterday's episode or whenever it was.
I forget.
It was really good.
It was probably the best.
And you did amazing, frankly.
The Shermer and D'Souza one?
Yes.
Really?
I was riveted.
All I could do is look at my audio levels, and I can't look at what's going on, and I was loving it.
I was like, this is amazing.
Really?
Really good.
I just thought we said gay marriage, we said abortion, we said trans, and each side had the answer you'd think they'd have.
Yeah.
Well, I just thought they were just so articulate with what they were saying.
You could hear the same thing being said with a less economy of words and a poorer economy of words, and it kind of doesn't have the same impact.
I also felt for a bit there, I felt like Robin Big, Rob Drydeck, who pays a big black guy to be his friend.
I was like, I paid money to hang out with intellectuals.
So now it's three intellectuals, Dinesh, Michael, and me.
Seven books, seven books, one retarded book.
So I felt kind of cheap.
And I felt like I was cheating.
Good thing I was behind the bar in an apron, so I didn't act like it was the three amigos.
But yeah, that got kind of weird.
One thing that kind of bothered me is when I Michael Shermer, it's not even that hard.
I think of Arthur Herman, who's the guy who wrote How the Scots Invented the Modern World.
But anyway, he was talking about society and what its basic needs should be.
And we talked about the poor and a safety net.
And we said, what about Michael brought up, you know, the poor black kid who grew up without a father, born to a drug-addicted mother in the hood, no prospects.
He's not going to go to Stanford.
He's not going to pull himself up by his boot shops.
He doesn't have boots, was Michael's quote.
And then later I was saying, well, yeah, that's the beauty of a strong border.
Now there's burger flipping jobs in California for that black boy that you just talked about.
Now there's construction work.
Now there's all kinds of retail and fast food shit for that kid to get started, to work his way up, to get his own independence, to give him self-esteem.
And he said, oh, I think we're pretty good on immigration.
We're sort of in between, you know, we're not as strict as Japan, but we're not as open as.
And then he said some other countries.
And I think that was a mistake on his part because there's no one with more open borders than America.
There's no one more, come on in, than America, to a fault.
Could you imagine Mexicans being replaced with another mass immigration and then their jobs are being taken for even less money?
Ryan, they would start rallying.
They would travel at some point.
What?
What do you mean?
Get out of the house.
What are you saying?
That's not possible?
That's been going on for millennia.
Mexico has a huge problem with illegal immigrants from the worst Central American countries.
No, New York, I mean, not like America.
American Mexicans.
American Mexicans get taken over by Guatemalan?
Yeah, their status being.
But in Mexico, they have a major problem with illegal immigration, and what they do is they throw all their illegals into a bus and they take them back over the border.
The Caribbean, you turn on public access TV in the Caribbean, Jamaica, all these countries, Barbados, and all they're talking about is illegals from the other islands coming in.
We're the only ones who aren't allowed to discuss it.
Any his, let me go back now, leaping all over the place.
I wish I knew what I did on Friday.
I definitely went to the gym.
I haven't sparred in a long time.
Friday night was You Did Milo.
How was that?
I haven't watched it yet.
It was great.
Good episode.
So Enrique Tario from the chairman of Proud Boys was supposed to be there, but he, Roger Stone got all his verdict and everything too late.
Oh, we haven't even talked about Roger Stone, right?
The verdict was since we last saw you?
No, we already discussed that.
We did a video, a separate video for you.
Oh, yeah, of course.
But that was Friday.
That's what we did Friday.
We did the Roger Stone video.
Yes.
I remember the new because we wanted to get it out before.
Oh, that's another video we got to put up is your commercial.
Yeah.
And then a list of videos.
Dear Trump a commercial.
I want to record a bunch of stuff for Christmas, too.
I have some ideas.
Like, one, I want to...
I don't think so.
What is that?
That's Sonic Youth.
Oh.
Cool thing.
One, I want to is to have Milo and I go to a mechanic's garage.
I know of a guy in Maryland who's on a lot of car shows.
And he could show Milo and I, and I act like the big tough alpha male, but I'm a pussy too.
Milo is like 1% more of a pussy than me.
And we learn how to change a tire.
No, we'll have a competition to see who can change a tire fastest.
And then the other competition, or not, not the other competition.
Then we'll learn how to change oil.
Then we'll learn what, like if your car just goes, off some quick fixes you can have, something you should always bring.
Then maybe we could do, I want to do four shows.
Then maybe we could do like common myths.
You know, like for example, you know that glue you can get when you get a flat tire and you put it in the car and you go pss, and then the glue seals the hole and then the aerosol from the can fills up the tire again.
But no, now you just glued your tire to your rim and it's a fucking bitch to get off.
So don't use that shit.
I'm also a big proponent of driving on the rims.
You get a flat, you're in New York City, you're probably going to be near a garage.
Drive a few blocks.
Terrible advice.
Well, that's my advice.
We'll learn why that's terrible advice.
I also want to watch Withnail and I with Milo.
And I think we could spread that out.
We should probably also watch a Christmas show.
If we watch a Christmas movie and we pause it and comment on it, it could take up a few episodes.
Mayhaps.
Mayhaps.
Let me write that.
Well, I won't write that down now.
But can you remember?
You write it down.
So yeah, so Friday we recorded the Roger Stone thing.
I sent it to Roger right away without thinking.
This is a problem of mine.
I'm not couth.
So I'll say things like, my dog's a retard in front of someone with Down syndrome.
Or I'll say, yeah, he's a fucker.
He got caught cheating on his wife like a fucking idiot.
And then there'll be a guy who just got back with his wife after being caught cheating.
And I will have said that right in front of him.
It's a curse.
I'm blind.
So you sent him the video where you said he's going to die in prison.
Okay.
Thank you for knowing where I'm going with that.
Yeah, I sent him a video and I was like, he's not going to survive.
Meanwhile, he just got the news hours ago that he's been found guilty.
And then I sent him a video, hey, dude, you're going to fucking die.
He's probably thinking, oh, this is good.
At least I got my friends to make me feel better.
I got support.
Dude, I'm being paranoid.
Let me call my friends.
And they'll tell me, you're not going to die, dude.
Relax.
No, you're going to die.
Yeah, you're going to fucking die.
Jesus.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
Let's say that.
There's plenty of best case scenarios.
Here's a pretty good case scenario.
I say he serves three.
Ready for this?
He does the appeal.
He's found guilty again on the appeal.
He gets three years, but it doesn't start until what would be January, February, March.
Let's say May.
So he's taken off to prison in jail in May.
Suspended sentence, right?
What does that mean?
When you get the sentence, but then you go to jail afterwards.
There's some time between when you go to jail and sentence.
What?
No, no, he's free the whole time.
Until he goes, until the man.
So he remains free until May.
And, of course, this is still hundreds of thousands of dollars.
So sometimes you're like, can I just go to fucking prison?
I don't have another million on me.
So May he goes and he gets Pensacola is one of the few prisons that's still minimum security.
They're kind of getting rid of those.
They tend to be all maximum security these days, but there are still a smattering of the ones where there's no gate.
You can leave.
Walk out.
Go ahead.
Escape from prison.
You'll be in big shit because you escaped from prison.
It's the same as if you scaled a fence, but there's no fence.
There's no guards.
And you can fish.
Like Enrique went to a jail like that.
He would fish.
He played golf sometimes.
Wow.
He had a job.
I was like, can I go there?
What crime can I do?
So let's say he's in somewhere like that.
Minimum security.
He can see his daughter and his wife a lot.
Conjugal visits, whatever.
And then, so that's May, June, July, August, September, October, November.
Seven months, Trump pardons him in December a year from now.
So that'd be nine months.
That's the best case scenario, I say, which isn't great.
Anyway, so you did that.
Then you did Milo.
Milo was mad and Ricky didn't make it.
There was that big, tall dude.
I don't know what name he's going by now.
Joe.
Yeah, Joe.
And then who was the other guest?
Denise McAllister.
She wrote a book.
She had a falling out with Megan McCain, but she just wrote a book about things that men want to say to women but can't.
What's that got to do with Joe Biggs?
Oh, I'm just on the site.
I just opened up the browser, as you saw.
Right.
Well, you're talking.
Shouldn't we see your face?
See, that's what I was thinking.
I was thinking, this went through my head.
Look at my face, or while I'm talking about the book, why aren't you pulling up the book?
You're in my head.
Before you speak.
Yeah.
It's called like wanting to do a good job.
Yeah, yeah.
So I deterred away.
Don't worry about finding the visuals when you're talking.
You can't scratch your belly and scratch your head at the same time.
So my face instead of the book.
But sometimes, sometimes you want to not see my face and see that, well, why are we looking at your face when you want to?
Anyway, so she had a falling out with Megan McCain.
She wrote a book about how men should be men and women should be women, correct?
Yeah, she went to Megan McCain's wedding and then she said some stuff.
And Megan McCain was like, you were at my wedding.
I remember that became a whole meme.
Right, right.
And so they went through that.
He's getting a pretty good guess.
It was a good episode.
It was a good episode.
A lot of, you know, colorful convo, a lot of shots.
They did moonshine shots.
Oh, I don't like that.
It was pretty bad.
He poured the moonshine shot into the champagne, and Joe's like, anybody want to take this?
I don't.
This is gross.
And I took it.
And it wasn't that bad, frankly.
And then afterwards, I think we did karaoke.
Did you do moonshine?
An Asian man did moonshine?
I'll drink a ton of stuff.
I'll do a shot right now.
No, I can't.
Never mind.
I'm so crazy, I'll do a shot right now.
No, I can't do that.
I got to work.
Yeah, I got stuff to do.
Yeah, I'm not that crazy.
But besides that, I'm psycho.
Suicidal.
Actually, no, we didn't do karaoke then.
All right, so that's that.
And when is that up on the site?
That's up.
Fully, the high-res version, not the live stream.
The front is clipped off.
We start right with the episode.
Toats.
Great.
All right, so that's Friday.
And then Saturday, I had nothing to do with this.
Latinos for Trump had a press conference for Max and John, the proud boys who were in prison for four years, who I believe are filing an appeal as we speak.
They're filing an appeal today.
Now, the next events I'm about to tell you could hurt the appeal or could help the appeal.
And I think it's 50-50 either way.
I get nervous about all this kind of stuff, but whatever.
I'm an old man.
So they had a rally in front of Trump Tower that was more just to talk to the press and to get press about Max and John.
Because I think a lot of judges like Mark Dwyer and the prosecutor Steinglass, they like to just sort of flex their muscles, show off to Cuomo, put men in cages, and then disappear.
Oh, wait, that's a different picture.
This was two days ago, frankly.
They stole our go back to your mommy's.
Go back home to mommy.
They took that.
That's ours.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
They changed the picture.
I think the post is sometimes less sympathetic than the daily news.
The post before, the picture before was women, Enrique Tario, a big Trump flag, and it said Latinos for Trump.
And now they changed it.
Look at the authors, by the way.
You'll notice when you see a lot of these articles, you look up the author, and it's a child.
It's like a little kid.
Olivia Benson, I'm familiar with her.
Yeah, she's like an antifoot chick.
They're all little rich girls.
So they probably said, yeah, can you change the image?
We shouldn't give Latinas for Trump a platform.
Is that her?
Yeah.
A little girl, a babysitter.
We have babysitters telling us what's happening in New York City in the post.
So basically, like they went there to do a thing, and then the Antifa came out.
They were like, you look up their resume, and it's like, graduated in 2018 from NYU.
How'd you get a gig at the post?
Yeah, look at him.
Look at Ben Cohn.
An infant.
Is he gay?
He looks like a live-action Ken doll.
Yeah, he looks gay.
He's got a gay face.
What was that picture of him and that guy with a baby?
He looks like the most convincing robot.
Yeah.
Is that his husband and his kid or his nephew?
I don't know.
I graduated from NYU in 2018, got married in 2019, and then adopted a baby.
I'm one year out of college and I have a husband and a baby.
Anyway, so those fuckers changed the picture.
They took away.
It was a cool picture before, too, because it had the big-breasted Latina, Latinas for Trump.
And they did it for publicity, and they got it.
Although I'm mad about that picture.
Unless there's more than one article.
Let me see here.
Hold on a sec.
That was the post.
This was the post.
There we go.
Proudboys call Andrew Cuomo, Fredo, and Baby.
Yeah, there we go.
I'm sorry.
Idiot alert.
And this is by Craig McCarthy.
That's the only article I was talking about.
They didn't change the picture.
Although, showing Antifa and that other thing is still millennial bias.
That's what you see in the post.
I can't believe I'm seeing millennial bias.
The New York Post is supposed to be the blue-collar paper.
That's like what plumbers and construction guys read.
But anyway, go back up.
So that's just a great image.
Latinas for Trump right there.
That's a big guy with a sombrero on her red t-shirt with her huge tits.
God, Latinas have big jugs.
And there's Enrique Tario, and they're talking about political persecution.
So Enrique set up that rally for that picture, for this article.
It worked.
Then that night, somebody could have conceivably been Antifa, but somebody put up banners all over the city.
And try the daily news for this.
They had some pretty Good ones.
Like one of them had Max Hare smirking, and it said smirking in the face of tyranny.
It said never surrender, something like that.
Yeah, no surrender, no retreat, which the press is listing as Nazi slogans.
Never surrender?
That's a fucking never surrender.
It's a Corey Wade song.
That's the coolest one, though, that one you just showed.
It has Max Hare in court, and it says smirking in the face of tyranny.
Now, Max is having his appeal today.
Really?
Yeah, is the judge going to go, fuck you, when he sees all these flyers?
Or is he going to go, shit, this is not happening in a vacuum?
There's a lot of eyes on this case.
I better be fair or I'll be known as a corrupt judge.
Now, the most controversial one, Andrew Colminko's Frito.
The most controversial one was not that.
Keep going.
Do they have it on?
No.
It was one in a Jewish neighborhood, the Hasidic Jews.
They keep calling it an Orthodox Jew neighborhood.
Hasidic Jews in Williamsburg.
And it said, Mark Dwyer, pedophiles, X, Proud Patriots, check mark.
And it was lampooning the judge, Mark Dwyer, for giving a pedophile three months.
There was this serial pedophile rabbi who was molesting eight-year-old boys.
Sorry, younger than that, I believe.
But he did it eight times.
Eight times.
So he was caught and arrested.
And there was some problem with the evidence or some, they got great lawyers to point out a flaw in the trial.
And he ended up, he'd already been in jail for nine months.
So Mark Dwyer only gave him a year.
Meaning, with time served, he only had three more months.
So he got three months for raping children.
And Max and John get four years for.
Can you not find it?
The Dwyer one is not popping up.
Maybe because it's so poignant.
No, that's not it.
I don't want it to pop up.
You could look at...
Did that ever occur to you?
No.
Do you look at Telegram?
No, I don't look at anything.
You ignore all my messages.
Basically all of them.
On Twitter, my inbox is full.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Oh, I just found another Prowboy is going to three years in prison.
Tommy Trigger Tommy, who pulled a knife on those Antifa, who had him cornered.
He just got three years.
Can you just find this fucking thing, please?
I was going to find the trigger.
NYC Antifa Twitter.
They've got their angle on it.
Well, you can't huff and puff after you just suggested me to find something.
That doesn't make sense.
At least give me a second to either get it right or fuck it up.
Keep going down.
There they are.
Now, you'll notice that there's a slight bias with...
So they've added their three arrows, which was the paramilitary wing of the Communist Party, Socialist Party.
They hated commies too, those guys.
But I think it's funny that they use that symbol because they are the paramilitary wing of the DNC.
Anyway, this, so it says Mark Dwyer, pedophiles Czech, Patriots X. This was portrayed by the left as anti-Semitic because it's in a Hasidic neighborhood.
The pedophile priest lives in that neighborhood.
So if it was a pedophile Catholic priest that Mark Dwyer got rid of, they'd put it near the Catholic church that the pedophile was associated with.
It doesn't seem anti-Semitic to me.
Maybe because it has a Jewish man on it.
You can't criticize Jews even if they're serial rapists.
No, they're fun.
So yeah, they said that the Proud Boys were perpetuating a stereotype.
Now, I've heard people conjecture that it was Antifa who did that to try to make Proud Boys look bad and fuck up their appeal.
I don't think it was New York City because they didn't go to the rally and they went to visit Max.
Anyway, I didn't go to the rally either.
Look at that.
Show that thing.
This is the funniest thing.
United Against Racism and Fascism.
Imagine holding that sign.
I'm not racist.
While we were holding signs in DC, the Shortel Steakout King signs, I felt such like a loser.
Oh, really?
Holding a sign.
Yeah, but that's not what I'm getting at.
And the David Shortel thing was funny.
This is, I'm against racism.
And you're holding a sign that says that.
Yeah.
0.01% of the population disagrees with you, dude.
And the guy holding it, too, was like 45.
He probably has a wife and kids.
And he's like, sorry, can't play with the kids today.
I have to carry a sign that says I'm not a racist.
The short tail sign's very cool, but still the idea of holding a sign, like, look at this.
Ah, we just did it for a photo app.
We didn't like march around.
Anyway, so my story is, I'm sitting around Saturday, and I figure I'm going to go to Sacred, the Church of the Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ, which is a church in Hell's Kitchen, which is near where my Knights of Columbus chapter is.
And it's a big Westies church.
And the Westies, the gangsters in the 80s, they would go there.
There'd be no crime or violence there.
Other groups would get together.
There'd be no, it was a place where they would come together.
And there was no violence at Church of the Sacred Heart.
And then Mickey Spillane, the seminal Westies gangster who basically started the Irish Mafia, or at least put it on the map, he married some chick there.
And she was the daughter of a prominent New York politician, basically Andrew Cuomo's daughter.
And they merged together the criminal world and the political world.
So it was a very big deal, that wedding.
And I thought, I should go there.
It was a hell of a trek.
I don't know.
I kind of regretted it.
It was all Hispanics.
There was some Puerto Rican woman who was her 50th birthday.
So I was pretty much the only white guy there.
Quinceinera.
It's called.
What?
It's actually called a quinceinera.
Quinceinera.
Yeah.
And so they were all going to a birthday party, and I saw the sermon.
It was a good sermon.
The priest was pretty good, Puerto Rican guy, thick accent, but he did a good job.
And oh, wait, I forgot something.
Before we abandon these banners, De Blasio and Cuomo had a heart attack.
I'm being hyperbolic, Ryan.
Okay.
So Cuomo released a statement about the banners.
He's pissed, especially Cuomo equals Frito.
I see Cuomo as Frito.
I get the Frito thing.
I see him more as Uday Hussein, sinister.
I mean, and it's funny that he's all about equality.
He made his bones off his dad's back.
His dad made his bones being a homophobe.
He ran against Ed Koch, and his motto was vote for Cuomo, not the homo.
And now Andrew Cuomo's Twitter page is him with like some gag dude in a rainbow flag from the Pride March, which was, what, five months ago?
So Cuomo put out a statement and it said, we're not impressed bigot boys skulking around in the dead of night.
Do you want to turn that up?
Andrew Cuomo is responding to acts of vandalism, apparently at the hands of neo-fascist groups.
Posters and banners with the Proud Boys website were found on New York City bridges and tunnels this morning.
The banners included what the governor described as anti-Italian American stereotypes and extremist right-wing propaganda.
Governor Cuomo said, quote, New York is not intimidated or threatened by neo-fascists.
Just last month, two members of the Proud Boys group were sentenced to prison for violence in Manhattan.
Okay, so find Cuomo's statement, though.
He says, hey, bigot boys.
He actually released a formal statement.
I have a message for the bigot boys who skulk around like cowards in the dead of night.
When you preach hate and division, New York answers with love and unity.
Crawl back into your hole, bigot boys.
There's no place for hate.
He says we answer with love, and then a few words later, he goes, crawl back into your hole.
Not like the bigot boys need help.
I think they should file a cease and desist against Cuomo, saying stop using that term.
And then De Blasio, the pothead that he is, tuned in like five hours later.
What?
What's going on?
What?
What?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, man.
Fucking.
Yeah.
You guys are a joke.
Imagine calling yourselves proud boys when you're a fucking disgrace to humanity, man.
You ought to just fucking keep going through the Holland Tunnel and just get out of New York, man.
That's what he said.
Mayor Spikoli.
Mayor Spikoli, do you have his quote?
You dick.
Yeah.
He called the right-wing group an embarrassment to humanity.
An embarrassment to humanity, dude.
Yeah.
And then he.
Drive the hell out of town.
They also said, next time you're on the highway, do us a favor and drive the hell out of town.
Yeah.
Your pathetic, hateful stunts have no place in the city.
That guy needs to drink booze.
The buzz?
Yeah.
His insults are terrible.
There's no guts.
Hey, fuckheads.
Putting up banners.
Put up a banner on my fucking...
Chasey Mansion or whatever?
Mason Gracie?
Come over to Mason Gracie where I live.
I'd love to meet you face to face in an alleyway, fuck nuts.
When it says like, hey, man, when you're on the highway, keep driving, dude.
He's such a soggy, like a, like a cinnamon stick that is stale cinnamon stick.
He's like Jerry Blank in Strangers with Candy.
Let me see.
I stole the TV.
Jeremy.
Like no edge.
Yeah, baked.
Look up the Jerry Blank stoned episode.
I mean, Strangers with Candy stoned episode.
That's de Blasio.
And you look at pictures of him in his yearbook.
He had a giant Italian.
What do you call it?
It's a Jufro.
It's an afro.
For Italians, it's an italfro.
He had a big italfro.
And he's just like, hey, dude.
And then he got a job interning for David Dinkins because he's a cool black dude.
Hey, man, I want to help out.
I'm super tall.
I could like get all the top.
See all those books?
I don't need a ladder.
I'll just grab them and hand them to you, dude.
And David Dinkins goes, okay, thanks very much, young man.
You're going to be mayor one day.
Oh, mayor.
Thanks, dude.
Look at him.
Hey, man.
He's like Justin Trudeau.
Same exact guy.
Wait a minute.
Check this out.
What if an elephant had pants on, man?
But like sexy pants, like leather pants.
What if you tried to make an elephant look hot?
Like you gave him leather pants and like blonde hair that was like slick bag and like fingerless gloves, even though he doesn't have fingers.
And you like, I don't know, drew like a six pack on his belly even though you couldn't see it.
Elephants couldn't even feel tattoos, man.
They'd be totally tatted up.
Yeah, you could just paint tattoos.
It's only for a parade.
Why isn't anybody tattooed an elephant?
Well, it doesn't.
It's crazy.
Tattooed elephants.
Such a crazy situation.
What does he say?
Your dad?
He says something really stupid.
I just made that up.
What does he say about crazy, though?
That's like really something crazy.
That's really something crazy.
That's like really something crazy.
Anyway, so we got to buzz.
We got the banners done.
Meaning, as a subject, I had nothing to do with it.
But I went to Church of the Sacred Heart, sat through the sermon.
It was nice because I was like 10 minutes late and ended it at 10 minutes before.
So it was a 40-minute sermon.
That's good for me.
I have so much trouble concentrating in church and I can't stop thinking about sex.
I'm sorry.
If there's couples there, I think about the best sex they ever had.
I wonder what, like, I just want to have a crystal ball and say, what was the best sexual experience of your life?
Can I watch it now?
Sorry.
I think about moves I want to do with my wife.
I'm just consumed.
I just had a weird thought.
What?
When you said you wanted to ask Gina Belafonte and Ann Coulter about sex, I was like, I wonder if Ann Coulter's ever kissed a girl.
No.
I know.
But you never know.
You never.
I can tell.
I know her very well.
She's a born-again Christian.
Gina did.
Gina did, definitely.
Gina kissed a girl earlier that day.
Yeah.
She kissed a girl and made her cry.
Georgie Porgy.
Yeah.
Gina Porgy.
That's what I said.
Frankly, she kisses girls, makes them cry.
Real mean.
Bad lady.
She's really mean.
Oh, Dinesh D'Souza.
I had lunch with him on Sunday before we did the talk.
He was just pardoned by Trump.
Are you kidding?
Yeah.
I don't know how much I can say.
But he said Trump was surprisingly human.
Like, how you doing?
Frankly, what's going on?
And they said, okay, I will give this away.
I hope I don't get in trouble for this.
But he said, wow, Mr. President, you must have thick skin, constantly getting bashed.
And he goes, yeah, it sucks.
Like instead of, ah, well, let the dogs yap.
It's like, yeah, it sucks.
Yeah.
We got Big Daddy.
And got nothing but shit.
Yeah.
Fucking assholes.
No, he didn't say that.
Nobody likes to be hated.
You know, he's doing great.
He's a kind-hearted man.
Also, you got to understand, Trump has been a rock star since I was 10 years old.
Like Mad Mag.
People go, oh, he's a reality star president.
No, that's just like the past five years.
I was watching him on Sally Jesse Raphael in 1985.
He's always been around.
I've never not known Trump to be around.
And he leans into it.
He's like, all right, you want me to dance?
I'll dance.
He literally does like this cool dance.
He did the roast.
Yeah, I remember humorous.
I remember he was on the cover of Playboy.
And it's some woman wearing his jacket.
And then he's just got a white shirt on.
And the caption says, ah, nice magazine.
Should I buy it?
Uh-oh.
This brings us to something that I want to talk about before I finish my Church of the Sacred Heart story.
Yeah, that's it.
See that?
Nice magazine.
Want to sell it?
Oh, nice.
That's pretty funny.
I just saw a Domino's commercial he did, too.
It was really good.
So I don't like advertising for other shows.
Anthony Cumille is wonderful at his job.
I don't like admitting I listen to his show because he's the competition and I don't want you to leave here and go there.
However, his audio of Donald Trump saying fuck.
Well, good thing is it's on YouTube.
Okay.
So nobody has to jump ship.
Don't leave us.
Don't leave us for aunt.
The way he says fucking is the way Ryan and I say fucking when we're talking about tits.
And it just shows what a human being he is.
We have listened to this 356,000 times.
He's a New Yorker through and through, and it's ridonculous.
So he's got this guy, Anthony has this guy, Hayden Christians.
No, what?
Chauncey Hayden, who was...
Fucking him.
We have the audio.
Yeah, yeah, this is...
No, no.
Amazing.
It's not a parody or anything.
Oh, no, it's really.
I've had people tell me it's not real.
If you listen to that, it's him.
Yeah, yeah.
There's only one Donald Trump.
It's either him or Alec Baldwin.
One of the two called me three in the morning.
This is, let's hear it.
Am I fired?
I'll never fire you, Charlie.
Charge, we've been good to your magazine with The Apprentice.
You saw the ratings that went to number one.
I mean, it's killing that.
That show is huge.
It's huge.
It's the biggest thing in the NBC people just.
They said it's the biggest show they've had since friends.
Well, it's what we both predicted.
Yeah, that's true.
Charge this person.
I don't even know who the hell she is.
I never took her out.
I don't know who she is.
And by the way, based on a picture, I would never take her.
She looks like a fucking great hooker.
Let me give you a break.
That's it.
That's enough.
The second one's really good, though.
Oh, really?
She looks like a model.
That's Canadian.
I don't know.
Did he grow up in the Ottawa Valley?
That's the way we say fucking...
You know?
I walk in there and I was fucking, what are you guys doing?
And they were fucking, nothing.
Norma tells you to recognize that.
Dealing with ancient history, number one.
She's not even attractive.
All right, all right.
By the way, she's not a good-looking.
She is.
She's out.
It's worth it.
Hey, find it.
Penthouse is like that.
Do you think I'm going to go out with a Penthouse pet?
A Penthouse is...
Well, she was Playboy.
She's the only girl ever to do both.
That's her clean note.
She's forget it.
I never took her out.
So she's buying a coattail.
She's trying to hop on it.
And that's the only reason I recognize the name.
That was like five, six, seven years ago.
It's kind of a long clip.
Yeah, why can't you find it?
Like, tell you, you listened to this 3,000 times.
Who the fuck at this time?
There we go.
And number one.
Number two, who the fuck it would be?
I use models for that.
I don't use Lakewood people for that stuff.
That literally sounds like my great-grandfather.
And number two, who the fuck?
I use models for that.
Why would I use a penthouse pet to advertise?
was they talking about advertising?
She wanted to he And it's because he wanted her to be a model for something.
For what?
I don't know.
A magazine or some shit?
So that was the guy.
He used to do a magazine Stepping Out, and he was the local gossip columnist.
and the premise was big, and this girl was saying that Donald Trump wanted her to advertise something.
He's like, no, she's fucking...
Yeah.
She's fucking in there, fucking.
Even an H in there.
All right, so let me get back to my story.
We're all caught up now with all the news, right?
Yeah.
Oh, he was on Stern a lot, Chance Hayden.
I think he's a Stern guy.
Come to think of it.
Yeah, he was on Stern.
Yep.
So I'm walking around.
I look at my watch.
It's like 6 o'clock, and I realize, by the time I get home, it'll be like 7.38.
I'm going to miss bedtime.
I might as well just take my time.
So I'm walking around.
Hell's Kitchen is thriving now.
When I moved here in the 90s, Hell's Kitchen, you did not go there.
Now it is like party time.
So as I'm walking home, I see Mickey Spillanes.
Now there's a Mickey Spillanes up in Westchester that I watch boxing matches at.
But this one I thought, oh, let's check out.
I went to Mickey Spillanese Church where he got married.
that's cool.
Let me go to the Mickey Splanes bar.
So, I walk in, and the bartender goes, hey, can I help you?
I go, whatever.
I'm in New York.
There's gays everywhere.
Yeah, could I, do you guys serve food?
Yes.
Okay.
Can I get a menu?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you want to drink?
Sugar.
And I'm like, I'll just get a bud, Bud Light, whatever.
I'm not drinking Maker's Mark anymore.
I'm done.
I cannot handle it.
It's like cocaine.
I don't want to quit it.
It quit me.
Buy Coke.
I can't even handle pot, really.
Oh, that would be another idea.
Watch, you know that movie with the little elf that could, that Christmas movie?
Island of Misfit Toys?
Yeah, that one?
Why don't I watch that baked?
Whoa.
It'll take like two hours, and then we could split that up and make that Christmas episodes.
It's like de Blasio night.
Yeah.
Hey, you're an embarrassment to humanity, dude.
Keep driving.
Drive right out of town.
Oh, yeah, it's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Anyway, so he goes, then I see this guy looking at me down the bar.
And thanks to the media's false allegations and the SPLC's accusations, I have to keep my wits about me.
I don't listen to headphones.
Even at the platform near my house, I see this millennial staring at me.
And then I look, he's a rich kid.
I live in a rich neighborhood.
And he's reading a book called Fascist Capitalism.
His dad definitely makes $300,000 a year.
Fascist capitalism.
Then this other guy is like a skater.
Meanwhile, he's 35 and he's staring at me sort of like, and I hate those passive-aggressive attacks because what are you going to do?
Come at him and go, what are you doing?
What's with the tongue?
Now you're bagel boss.
Or you just ignore it and you're letting him get away with it.
You got something to say?
Say it, dude.
You want to go?
Let's go.
But just as like, and then you can tell people later, I wasn't putting up with his shit for one second.
I just stared him down.
Ooh, you stared him down.
The other thing they love to do is the photo.
Now you're in my phone.
I gotcha.
Now I can dox you, and then Antifil will come and beat you up and do the dirty work.
I know where he is.
He was at this crosswalk two days ago.
They did that in DC.
The guy with the man bun doxed us.
Anyway, I go into Mickey's planes.
I see this guy looking at me, and he's like.
And I go, what is going on here?
And then he comes over and he goes, I like your new sunglasses.
And I thought you would say like, oh, no way.
That's boring to you.
You told me this.
Oh, I tried to do this story already.
So I go, oh, hey, how you doing?
And I've got my Bud Light.
It's in a plastic cup, which should have shown me something fishy was going on.
And I go, oh, okay.
I don't really like beer in a plastic cup, but whatever.
And he goes, hey, man, I called into the show once.
Oh, cool.
Are you here with anyone?
And he goes, no, my girlfriend's at work, and I thought I'm just wandering around.
We're both on self-dates, I realize, which is the thing the New York Post is talking about.
You got to find this article.
It's the hot new thing in New York City.
Self-dating.
I do that all the time.
You go out on a date.
And then it had a picture of this woman who had bought herself flowers.
Feminism and gang rapists are about the same as far as the devastation they've done to women's lives.
This poor woman is sitting there with a delicious cocktail and a thing of roses on the bar with her, just like, I'm so happy.
And I'm a mommy because I have my dog at home.
So this is life on the town.
You know, I might get one of these self-weddings later on and just marry myself, which is also a thing, folks.
The subtle art of dating yourself.
It's an art form.
Rare.
Like Picasso, really.
So anyway, we're on self-dates and I go, sit down.
And he goes, yeah, I'm kind of surprised to see you here.
I mean, maybe it's the same reason as me.
And did you know this is a gay bar?
And I looked around and there was no chicks.
We were at a raging gay bar.
Mickey Spillane, if only he knew what his legacy had become.
A raging homosexual super gay bar.
And because we're both straight men, we saw that said beer, $4 and we saw sliders and we went, that seems affordable.
And we were both sucked in by that.
And as we were walking in, we ignored a gigantic rainbow flag, like as big as this, as big as this building.
So we pushed that aside.
What's that fucking flag doing there?
And walked into a gay bar.
Move, gay flag.
I got wings to get.
Move, faggots.
Why are there so many homos here?
Yeah, it's a very, very gay bar.
By the way, I didn't say this before because it would erect the punchline.
Hell's Kitchen is way gayer than Chelsea, way gayer than the West Village.
It is just San Francisco levels gay.
Super duper gay.
I still go to Rudy's, though.
Which is weird.
It's sort of like Israel having settlements.
Like, we gave you the West Village and said, go butt fuck each other blind.
And they're like, no, thanks.
I want to go way up to where the Westies were.
Okay.
I'll get a $4 slider and then a man comes greasing his buns.
All right, who am I sliding on?
Like, no, shit.
Well, it was funny, too, because the barmaid was kind of pokritudinous.
She had quite a pair of cans, and we were like, we could just grab those.
Girl, I love your tats.
Oh, my God.
I was actually thinking about getting some.
And those are, can I just check those out?
And then you just sort of like, yeah, that, see, Michael, this is what I was talking about.
I want that kind of lip.
Can we just, can you dump them out for a sec?
Yeah.
And then you blow your cover because you do like a tight butt fart.
You go, and they're like, it's him.
Almost like in a Glorious Bastard when he had two fingers apart.
It didn't sound like your asshole is a baby yawning.
Why was that so tight?
Yeah, these are good.
These are the kind of tits I want to get.
Hey, can I try something?
I want to see if your butthole is as tight as my boyfriend's because I feel like his could be a lot tighter.
And I've never really done it with a girl.
Let me just check that out, shall we?
Yeah, that's much, that's very different.
So now you're boning your chick.
Can I finger you?
What's a vagina feel like?
They're so gross.
I might barf, but let me just check it out.
Ew, gross.
That's undercover second basing.
Undercover, upside-down jogger.
If you ever have to change the URL for this site, that would be a, is that domain available?
Undercover, upside-down jogger.
Upside-down jogger.
And this is the, when you get to the homepage, this is sort of on a GIF that's just streaming.
We're going to have to get .NET.
Oh, it's gone?
No, no, no, it's not.
It's gone.
That URL is available for $10,000.
So yeah, we had a bunch of beers there with the gays and hung out, had a meatball sub and walked home.
I bet you did.
I ate their balls.
Get it?
And loved.
It was actually a very shitty sandwich.
The food sucks.
Mickey Spillane's the gay bar.
Isn't that disappointing?
I hate plastic cups, too.
What are we at?
A rave?
Like, what am I going to do?
Smash it over someone's head?
We're at a gay bar.
They're the least violent people in New York.
I don't know.
So yeah, I had a nice chat with him and then went back home.
And the next morning, I went out and did the Dinesh Michael Shermer thing.
When do you think that'll be done?
Ooh.
Definitely before.
Things are going to get easier.
Definitely before Friday.
But Saturday, there's no content, so it's almost kind of a good thing to drop it on Saturday so it doesn't go under the radar.
And, you know.
So maybe this Saturday.
Yeah.
That gives you a lot of room to sit on your ass playing video games.
So that's the end of the show, folks.
What do you think?
Maybe we should make this a Monday's regular thing.
You just show up in your normal civilian clothes, no notes, talk about the weekend.
Oh.
Gay male couples, huh?
Well, maybe the gay male couple should stop doing this all the time.
Huh?
Yapping.
Maybe that gay male couple should have his fucking sandwich ready once in a while.
Stop fucking complaining all the time.
We were talking about that the other day.
I don't want to trivialize domestic violence.
I know five guys who have had their lives flushed down the toilet for it.
All of them were innocent, which is why I once tweeted out every instance of domestic abuse I've heard of has been some cunt trying to ruin a guy's life.
I got in a lot of trouble for that, but it's just my personal experience.
I'm just saying a fact.
Now, it might be a scourge.
It might be taking over America.
I don't see it with my own eyes.
But everyone I talk to has never known or known of, we're not talking about the 50s and 60s, a guy who was just like, where the fuck's my dinner, bitch?
Like a guy who beats the shit out of his wife or girlfriend, and she's got like the sunglasses on.
Oh, I'm such a klutz with these cupboards.
I know the archetype.
I see it in Cassavetti's movies, but I've never come across it.
And if I did, like if Anthony Cumia beat the shit out of his girlfriend, like outside of beating him up or calling the cops, I would just never speak to him again.
Like the idea that men just hang around going, whoa, she's in big trouble.
Looks like she should have had his sandwich ready.
Yeah, it's sort of a bad one.
She shouldn't have been doing this.
Like I've never come across it ever.
And I've met thousands of people from all walks of life, all races, everything.
I have heard of very abusive relationships in lesbian couples.
But that's about it.
Got to go to World Star Hip Hop.
This is not a fun, fun subject to end on.
Got to go to WorldStar Hip Hop.
Are we doing mailbag or no?
No, we're out of time.
Oh.
I like you more than a friend, guys, and I need you to be brave.
No, wait.
We're filing so many appeals today.
We filed three appeals today.
Tommy Trigger, Max Hare, John Kinsman.
To get them out of jail because we're never going to give up.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
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