#149 | I broke into the train yards the other day, allegedly
Gavin allegedly may have broken into the train yards to find the phone he left there last night. This is not a confession. The cop that helped him was a wonderful women but are tiny, female, cops really helpful to the force? We’re told they’re good for domestics but tell that to the tiny female cop in Sacramento who was just killed on the job. Once again, in the quest to prove everyone is equal, we are hurting the people we purport to help.
Allegedly, this is alleged, this cannot be used as a confession and used against me in a court of law.
This could be satire and is therefore not credible evidence in a court of law.
Anyway, back to my story.
Oh, and here's another thing too.
This is going to be a short one.
It's not, we're not having video of this.
That starts this Thursday and this Thursday the podcast will be on video on freespeech.tv and it'll be still free for audio, but I'm not doing these Monday shows anymore.
I want people to start migrating over to freespeech.tv.
I'm giving out too much free shit.
So, to be clear, peace and love.
Peace and love.
The only free podcast is going to be Thursdays, and that's audio.
And you will be able to call in starting this Thursday.
On freespeech.tv, that podcast will also be a vidcast where you can see us talking about all this crap.
And if you want more G-Dog, you're going to have to subscribe to freespeech.tv.
It's about a maker's mark on the rocks a month.
I'm sure you can afford that.
Although I'm not sure I can still afford to be drinking makers all the time.
So, on Friday night I'm in the city, partying, and if you want to get back to the burbs, again this is not a confession, You got to leave crazy early if you want to get back by train because it's not just like it takes me about three trains to get to Grand Central or sorry two trains to get to Grand Central and then I have to make sure that coincides with the suburbs train.
So the trains aren't running at a normal pace.
So you have to give yourself like over half an hour to get from Grand Central to it.
I mean from Midtown to Grand Central really.
So you gotta leave at like 11.
So I do that, have some bad luck, get there.
Maybe I didn't leave right at 11.
Anyway, I miss my 11.39.
And the next one's at 12.20.
So I look at Uber from Grand Central.
It's looking like a hundred bucks.
And I think, you know what?
I'm not a dummy.
I may have been drinking all night, but I'm not spending a hundred bucks to get home.
I'll just wait 40 minutes for the train.
And the great part is it's New York.
So I can find a bar within 20 feet and I'll just sit here and drink.
More makers.
So I'm fucking piling them back.
Alone, sitting at the bar, being ugly.
We had a letter to the show, Get Off My Lawn, which is on every day, folks.
And it was a woman and her friends rationally explaining that I'm a 6.3 at best, looks wise.
So when you're a 6.3 in New York City, and women who are pretty horny in this town because they're running out of time and they're looking for a mate, it's like a bear right before hibernation.
All year round.
So they're trying to get some food in them before they go to sleep because they might starve to death.
It's not good for women in New York City.
It's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
So when a disgusting old man, who I was wearing a shirt, by the way, that said jaw army with Rastafarian epaulets, sits down, they're just like, yeah, no thanks.
I'll just talk to my friends and hope someone less ugly sits down.
So I'm sitting there and I, I time it right.
I get the 1220 and I'm looking at my phone and it's, it's a bit of a hike.
I'm pretty far out in the burbs and uh, I wake up and I'm at the end of the line, the last station.
So I jump out and I left my phone on the fucking train and I've had this new phone for about four or five days.
I haven't even updated all my passwords on all my various apps.
I get out and I think, well, I'll just wait for a taxi to take me home because I can't call an Uber, right?
But there's no taxis.
I'm up in New Haven, Connecticut.
There's no one around up there.
It's rich people land.
It's wasps.
Wasp-ville.
That's an ugly word to say, isn't it?
Wasp?
Wasp.
Crisp.
Would you like some crisps?
Flask?
Would you like a... I took some whiskey out of my flask and then I was parched so I grabbed some crisps and threw them away because I knew they'd make me more parched.
My hair was wispy that day.
I had, I got wisps of hair in my flask after I ate too many crisps.
Ew.
Crisps.
That is gross.
Imagine your name was crisps.
That's in an episode of Eagle Heart where, what's his name?
Chris whatever.
Chris Elliott.
Chris Elliott.
They go, what's your name?
And he says Chris without realizing he has to come up with a fake name.
So as, as he's saying the word Chris, he comes up with a fake name and he goes, Chris.
And then for the rest of that episode, they're like, okay, Crisp, come over here.
Crisp.
Anyway, so I need a taxi bad.
I gotta get home.
Meanwhile, I did all this to save a hundred bucks.
I probably spent $35.40 at the bar, right?
It's gonna cost me $40 to get a taxi back to my stop from where I left off.
That's $80.
And the train was probably another $10, $90.
So I've saved $10 so far.
And that doesn't include the $300.50 phone I just fucking lost.
So I find a cop and she is this smaller than my 12 year old daughter.
And I'm sorry.
I've never said this to a lady cops face, but what are you doing?
What are you doing in the force?
And I'm also sorry.
I'm disparaging a cop who helped me out.
She called me a taxi.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate you.
But we've all seen that video where that woman is trying to get that black kid who was riding his bike on the sidewalk, and she's like a short, fat Puerto Rican.
Here in New York, they always get these Puerto Rican women to be cops, and their butts are just like fucking tables.
They look like two chairs stuffed in their pants.
And I find it attractive, sexually, but not authority.
It doesn't make me feel safe to have some bowling pin with little booties on Run around say she's gonna protect me.
Anyway, this one was Asian and She was just so fucking tiny like wasn't there a case there was a case recently Where a cop Uh, he's dealing with some driver.
He's a black dude.
He's like, fuck you, you never pull over white people, blah, blah, blah.
And it was getting more and more escalated.
He's like, give me your license, get out of the car.
He won't get out of the car.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Eventually the guy grabs him and rips him out of the car.
And it wasn't a dangerous situation.
It was just like a total arrogant bratty dick who needed to be handcuffed, but he wasn't going to kill any cops.
And she goes, he's wrestling, it's a male cop and a female cop.
He's wrestling, he gets the guy to the ground, and he's in control of the situation.
She's like, stop resisting, I'll tase you!
Stop resisting, I'll tase you!
The dumb bitch pulled out her gun.
And she goes, oh shit, I shot him.
And you hear that on the body cam.
Oh shit, I shot him.
Here, I'll find it and send it to you.
I shot him.
I shot the sheriff.
And I did not shoot the deputy.
Well, you're still a pretty bad guy, dude.
I don't care how many cops you shot, you're still going to jail.
And I think she was acquitted because he was resisting arrest in an almost violent way, but the city's going to get sued to high hell.
And I talked to another cop about this.
And he said he used to work with a tiny woman as his partner, and it was hell, especially domestics, because she would just get all ornery.
Now, a domestic is the most dangerous situation a cop can be in, because say I'm at a fight in a bar, and the cops show up, and the fight was about someone spilling my girl's drink.
Do I really wanna go to the tombs for this?
I don't fucking, no, no thanks.
Yes, officer, you're right, I'm sorry.
Won't happen again, or I'll just poop out the back.
Um, but if it's a domestic and she's gonna charge you with domestic violence, you're never gonna see your kids again, you guys are getting divorced, your life's already over.
And some cop is gonna intimidate you?
Fuck you, pig.
Let's do this.
And he tells me stories about domestics where they would... Did I talk about this already?
Putting your t-shirt on your head?
I vaguely remember that, yeah.
To block you from the mason?
He was going to get pepper sprayed?
There was a private conversation, actually.
He was going to get pepper sprayed?
And the guy, the cop who's telling me this story, by the way, is a fucking giant.
They call him Juggernaut, because he looks exactly like Juggernaut.
So he has to fight these guys.
So the last thing you want to do is have some tiny little bitch screaming, what you gonna do?
Get down!
Get down now!
In a situation where the guy feels like he has absolutely nothing left to lose.
It's at the very end.
And so what he would do is, when they would get a domestic, he would call for backup before they even got there.
Because he knew shit was going to go down and it was going to be horrible.
And then she would get all pissed off at him for calling for backup, but he's like, uh, let's just see how this plays out.
I have a funny feeling we'll be needing it.
And they always needed it.
So... Oh, there he is, taking the guy to the car.
Why would she do that, Doctor?
Here, play that again.
It's very subtle.
You hear that?
Oh shit, I shot him!
It was right in the fucking back, too.
It's lucky he lived.
Anyway, this is really cryptic and horrible what I'm about to say, so hold on to your hat.
While I was talking to her, I was drunk out of my mind, obviously.
I slept to the end of the line.
Um, part of me was like, I could knock this girl out.
Now, I'm not gonna do that, but...
But when someone comes up to your nipples, and they're a little tiny Asian woman, it flashes through your mind.
Just like, say, someone was dressed in a French maid costume on Halloween, and she could be asking for directions.
The back of your head's gonna think about fucking her, just because she's dressed like that.
It's gonna pop in.
You're not gonna do anything about it.
But, you know, your brain is constantly moving.
The synapses are going.
And this is a woman in a position of authority.
She's meant to control society.
We hired her.
To make sure everything runs smoothly.
She's the boss and she has a gun that can kill people on her at the time.
She's the top of the authority chain, really.
I mean, I'm sure a judge is and the president is, but I don't come across judges and presidents.
So as far as my day-to-day life, this figure has the most authority in my life.
And I know how to knock people out, especially five foot two people who are frail little skinny women.
And so it goes to your mind like, pop!
I could just pop her in the chin and run away or take her gun or whatever.
You can fight the law and have the law not win.
So I was disturbed when that thought flashed through my head but then I thought what about someone who's a criminal and who's drunk or on crack or something or she's about to arrest him or she's she asked for his ID and he knows he has warrants out and if she checks his warrants he's going back to Rikers for another year and a half probably most of which will be solitary.
He's gonna knock her out!
It reminds me of this young woman who just died and I mean all due respect to the dead I'm sorry to bring this up, but she was killed in a domestic Just the other day.
I forget where it was.
I can't look it up on my phone because my phone's lost but I looked at the pictures of her and She must be five feet tall Like what is she doing going to domestics in the first place?
She's tiny You know, we keep having these women in these dangerous situations.
That's the problem with all this empowerment.
Girls kick ass.
Girls rock.
And now they want to fight you.
Could it be this rookie Sacramento officer shot dead as she helps women during domestic violence called?
Yes.
Okay.
Look at her.
She looks like your sister.
I don't have a sister.
So anyway, um, yes I do.
I get the taxi back.
What are you doing?
Playing that?
A rookie police officer was gunned down responding to a domestic violence call.
Tara O'Sullivan is the first officer killed in the line of duty in Sacramento in 20 years.
Jamie Ucas is there.
We're devastated tonight.
Officer Tara Christina O'Sullivan gave her young life while protecting our community.
The nightmare... Alright, you know how it goes.
I don't know, man.
I think affirmative action has damaged a lot of things.
It's hurt the economy and everything, but it's hard to find places where it's more dangerous than cops and firemen.
Can you carry a 200-pound person on your back?
No?
Well, then you can't work here in the fire department.
And your partner doesn't want to be working with you because you can't carry him on your back back down the stairs.
And with cops, it's a violent fucking job.
And I know, like, that just said there hasn't been a death in the police force in 20 years in Sacramento, but It's possible.
Just because you don't have a lot of people dying in your job doesn't mean it's not a dangerous job.
It could mean that the police are just good at fighting this danger.
I mean, talk to cops in the South Bronx and they're dealing with gunshots on an almost daily basis.
And they just don't get shot because they're good at it and they're cautious and they're strong.
Cops have to fight.
Cops get in fistfights all the fucking time.
Much more so in the 80s and 90s.
But still, to this day, you're going to be in a fight.
Women aren't as good at fighting as men.
They have less upper body strength.
So why did you choose a career where you're constantly fighting people?
That's not safe for you!
Boy, cops are fucked these days.
Not only do we have all this bullshit where some tiny little girl is next to you, in a super dangerous situation, having your back, but then we also have this culture where they say cops are hunting criminals and black people, and they're totally evil and racist, and they always react violently, and you're gonna get shot anyway.
Actually, that woman who said, holy shit, I shot him, is a combination of the two problems.
One is criminals and people of color, I'm sorry to say, assuming that the cops are out to kill them and totally overreacting and not complying and resisting.
And then incompetent female cops who can't handle the adrenaline rush and shit their pants.
And that makes it even more dangerous.
How about the truth?
So anyway, I take my taxi home, disappointed in the G, and the next day I do find my iPhone, and it shows it's at the end of the line.
And I don't know, I think sometimes your brain can't handle the truth, so your brain hands you a bone, and it says, you know what's gonna happen, dude?
You're gonna go up to that train station, and there's gonna be a sweet old man with a little train conductor hat, like in a children's book, and there'll be lots of oak.
It'll be a little wood console.
And it'll be all worn out, because it's from the 1800s.
You'll go there, and you'll say, Hey, I... And he goes, I think I know what you're gonna say, sonny.
You forgot your phone?
Come on in, pal.
And then he gives you the phone.
And there it is, and you charge it up, and everything's fine.
You go, thanks, mister.
Here, here's 20 bucks.
Ha ha, no thanks, I'm not allowed to take money.
You have a good day, boy.
So, I get there.
There's no little old man.
It's at the yards.
It's not the last station.
By the way, no fantasy is complete without having to not spend your imaginary money on this imaginary miracle, you cheap bastard.
Scottish person's fantasies always end with someone refusing a tip.
So, I get to the yards and it is Fort fucking Knox.
Again, this is not a confession, this could all be a lie.
And the parking lot itself is all gates and fences and razor wire.
There's no way you're getting in.
Everyone swipes to just park their car.
So the idea that I can get in there and say, Howdy, I'm wondering if anybody has a little basket of phones and bric-a-brac.
Oh, yeah, here, let's sift through it together.
There's a mitten.
Did you lose a mitten?
Nope.
So that's not happening.
But it's so frustrating to see on your computer at the Dunkin' Donuts that it's right 50 feet from me.
And I just can't have it.
And I got to go through all this paperwork.
And you can imagine how long I'd be on hold waiting to talk to someone.
*Burr* So I think maybe I can case the joint.
So I start walking around the circumference of the yards and I notice that there's this sort of stone wall and tons of weed and prickly bushes and stuff but there doesn't seem to be a fence there.
It's kind of a hole in the plot.
Hey guys at the yards you may want to just walk around the total perimeter of your establishment and make sure there's not beautiful stone steps.
that just walk you right onto the trains where they're parked.
So I skedaddle up there.
I've got a white t-shirt on and very light gray pants.
I look like Andrew WK.
And there's three trains on the yard.
Now, find your phone says it's in one of these three trains.
So two of them are close together, tucked away on the far side.
I go up to the back door of the caboose.
I like saying cabooses.
It's much better than crisps, isn't it?
Caboose is nice.
You know what they say on Wikipedia?
The nicest use of the English language is cellar door.
I've heard that, yeah.
I'll take a caboose over a cellar door any day.
Big caboose girls, you make this rockin' world go round!
Um, so I, it's got a bunch of different handles and I turn them all and then the main one, I have to climb up.
So now I'm getting dirty, right?
I have to climb up this dirty, oily, shitty train.
I'm at the very back.
I open it up, it opens up and it kind of makes sense that they don't lock, right?
There's probably some sort of fire hazard thing.
You can't ever have these doors closing in cases of firing people.
Or if you lock someone in, maybe.
Yeah.
Like gray, white.
Remember that band who everyone suffocated from the fire?
So I start looking at all the seats in each car and there's beer there and I see a newspaper and I pick up the newspaper and it says Friday.
So this is Saturday morning.
So I know I'm on the right train.
It's not something that's been there for weeks, right?
It's yesterday's paper.
And I check all the seats, but I also check the ground.
And that's making me more dirty.
So then I do that entire train, which is about 20 cars, and as I'm walking down the length of the train, I see the train next to me has its doors open, like the doors you get in are open on this side.
So after I'm done the train, I go, well, I could crawl in between these two dirty cars, get even filthier, then crawl up between those, and then I could crawl into the big open door.
So after I check train A, I go to train B and check it.
And my heart's kind of pounding, too, because this is a felony.
And I'm sort of going, whoo, adrenaline control.
Boxing comes in handy here.
Take it down a notch, dude.
You're breaking the law.
You have a great story.
You're not a criminal.
You don't have a paint can in your hand or a bomb.
And I do the whole other train.
It's not fucking there.
Now it hasn't occurred to me at this point that when I, uh, when find your phone says it's at the yards, it means that's the last time we pinged it before it ran out of batteries.
Doesn't mean it's there now.
This is the last known location.
Once the battery's dead, it can be in Timbuktu.
Shit.
So.
I, uh, I see there's one more train, but it's at the total other end of the yard, right?
And that's across maybe seven tracks.
Now we're into real felony town.
Now you're being seen and no one is on this area without a, you know, a yellow vest and the little conductor hat and all that stuff.
No one's wearing a white t-shirt.
They're either construction workers or maintenance guys or they ticket collectors.
No one is un-uniformed there.
I should have actually, I think it would be prudent to buy a construction helmet and a yellow vest for situations like this.
Although that probably increases your felony quite a bit.
Makes you look a little more premeditated.
So, you ever watch the show Locked Up Abroad?
Yep.
It's a show about this guy who locked up some chick.
No.
It's always the same story with Locked Up Abroad.
It's so fucking stressful to watch.
But it's like we smuggled all this hash from Indonesia once and we made $3,000 and then we were living large and I had been broke for a long time.
Okay, please don't do that again.
And then they do it again.
And you're like, Jesus Christ.
Now we had 6,000 and things were cooking and we were done.
We thought, all right, that's enough.
But then our connection, it's always some weird white Danish dude said, let's do one more big one, biggie.
And you can do 16 grand.
It's always a crazy one.
Now here's what I think.
I think the authorities have deals with the drug dealers where they say, if you can get me a $16,000 bust, like a big amount of heroin, I'll let a bunch of shit go.
So I look good to the politicians cause I'm busting major shit.
And that means I'll let a bunch of little stuff go.
So they seduce these dummies and say, um, get them with two, three thousanders.
And then they hit them with the 16,000.
So that last train was my $16,000.
And whenever you're watching the show, you go, don't do it, don't do it!
Look, God gave you a few chances.
That's it.
Get in and get out.
It's like a pyramid scheme.
You get in, you take advantage of the crazy interest rates, and you get out because it's illegal.
You're doing something illegal.
But I just thought, fuck it.
Maybe I still had a buzz from the night before.
And I said, I have to check this last train.
I want my fucking phone.
And it's not the money.
It's the hours and hours.
Like even today, I was calling the Apple Store and Verizon and all this shit.
And it was just so long.
And do you have your PIN number?
And do you know the serial code?
Who knows the serial number of anything?
I could look at it if I had it, but then we wouldn't be talking.
So I get to the last train, and uh... This is the even stupider part.
I see the ticket collector go in between the two cars.
This train is occupied, McInnes.
But then still, just like locked up abroad.
Cause they'll say in locked up abroad, they go, well, I knew it was, we were past the point of no return and they just dropped me off at the airport and I just put my fucking giant gym bag on the conveyor.
And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's what I was doing.
And she always goes, it was too late now.
And I'm watching the show going, it's not too late now.
You're in the airport.
Say some guy just gave me this bag, anything.
You'll, you'll go to the jail and they'll, they'll deport you, whatever.
Say he's lying when he says you're in on it.
You haven't smuggled anything yet.
I don't think you've done anything illegal.
But I see the guy go through and I go, fuck it.
I can handle this.
And my dad tells me he would do this to himself too sometimes.
He would put himself in really shitty situations just to see what his brain would come up with.
It was like his brain was a separate entity.
And one time he was doing a... He would design military equipment for the American military.
Like optic systems for helicopters, whatever.
So he's working on one of those projects and they had what they do is they bid low and then like Trump you keep charging more and more and more for over delays and extra work and all you change this we got to charge you more and you end up getting three times the price.
So he's doing one of those hustles and he gets there and he goes I don't have a reason why we're charging more and why there's a delay.
But let's see what my brain comes up with.
So, probably goes out drinking the night before, shows up at this military base, and he says, now, I know you'll be wondering why it is we've had to increase costs and man hours on this particular project.
And they go, yeah, we were wondering that, Jim.
We had a deal here.
And here we are, what is this, another $10,000 again?
And he goes, yes, well.
And then he goes, all right, brain, what do you got?
And guess what brain said?
What?
Fuck all.
No.
Brain was like, you know what?
I'm done with this shit.
You think of something for a change.
Why am I Mr. Brains over here?
Just because I'm the brains of the operation?
I got to be the brains of the operation all the time?
Why don't you actually do some homework for a change and stop leaving me my synapses here to use the adrenaline all the time?
Oh no.
I've always got to kickstart this thing.
So he just stared at them, blankly, with nothing to say.
And then one of them said, Is it because we changed the optic system to include radar?
Yes!
And he goes, Precisely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Finally, someone here knows what's going on and how difficult it is to design an XM1 tank.
And he was good.
So I didn't have that situation.
So I get up there, and I'm in between two cars.
I've just crawled.
I'm fucking filthy at this point.
I look like a coal miner's daughter.
I got black hands.
My pants and shirt have black filth all over them.
My face is seriously chimney sweep levels of filth.
I look racist, actually.
I look like I'm in blackface.
And he was a black guy, so he's like, what you trying to say?
No, he was a white guy.
And he just stares at me and I stare at him.
And it was like, you know, when you see an animal sometimes in the forest, like a deer, and he's so confused that you just stare at each other because you're both so shocked that another species exists on the same planet.
And he's looking at you going, wow, a fucking human.
And you're going, wow, a fucking deer.
And, uh, so he's staring at me going, wow, a lunatic.
A homeless weirdo has snuck into the yards, is he gonna kill me?
So, the only good news here is I've had a haircut recently, so I don't look that homeless, right?
They usually have dreads.
And, uh, I just go, hey!
And he's got his big keychain thing and he's just opened some panel or whatever and he goes, he doesn't say anything.
And I go, uh, and I try to open the door, but he's now locked it.
And, uh, he goes, what are you doing here?
And I was like, all right, brain.
Um, I went for the $16,000 deal on Indonesian jeopardy and I got no plan B come up with something.
And brain goes, I got this.
And he goes, I just woke up.
And he says, what?
Where?
And I go, in that train over there.
And I point across the yard to the two trains I had just looked at.
Yeah.
And he goes, huh?
And then he opens the door.
And then I said, and this really helped too, I go, I'm a fucking idiot.
And then that sort of broke the ice.
Murderers tend not to call themselves idiots.
So he opens the door at that point.
He goes, what's going on?
I go, I don't, I, I just, I was, I just woke up.
I didn't know where I was.
I was calling for someone.
No.
And then I saw you.
So I came over here and I, can I get out here?
And he goes, no, where were you trying to go?
And I'm like, I'm like four or five stops back.
And he goes, well, that's good.
Cause we're heading there now.
Go sit down.
I'll drive there and I'll shut my mouth.
But you know, and I go, well, can I just get out here actually?
And he goes, no, you'll get arrested.
It's trespassing.
And I realized my car is right over there.
I don't want to fucking take the train all the way back and then have to take it back to my car.
So he goes, just sit down.
And now I also, by the way, want to scour this train because it's the last of the three.
And it still hasn't occurred to me that the ping was wrong.
It's old news.
So I think I'm down to the very last option.
But I just said that I woke up and I'm happy to be getting a ride home.
I can't be scouring trains, right?
I'm a disoriented guy.
And then he talks to some other dude and then he comes back and he goes, wait a minute, what train were you on?
And I go, the last one last night, which is true because those newspapers said Friday.
And he goes, but that was at like two in the morning.
And I go, yeah.
And he goes, it's 11 a.m.
Nine hours sleep and I go I had just fit again my brain saved the day and he goes I just finished a 20 hour shift and I guess I was a lot more tired than I thought.
And he just laughs, and then we both laugh at how absurd the situation is, and it is absurd because it's a lie, and I go, and he goes, well you're rested now!
And I go, yep, ready to take on the day!
And then we both laugh at what a crazy situation it is being blue collar guys who have to work crazy shifts and occasionally fall asleep on the train, and they're not upper middle class morons who get so drunk they lose their phone trying to save a hundred bucks.
You know what I wish?
That laugh, it's like a tension breaker for you.
It's like, ah, finally, he thinks he's buying the spiel and then he stops laughing and he's like, you're a fucking liar.
You're going to jail, buddy.
Yeah, he's like, you think it's a relief laugh?
We have footage of you crawling up and getting on the train.
I sit here and watch it all night.
That's my job.
I'm here to catch you.
I've been watching you since you got here.
40 minutes ago.
So then the train starts up and I realize I don't want to go all the way back home.
I got to get my car.
Luckily the next stop was, you know, the last stop.
So it was only a quarter mile.
I get out of the car, I mean out of the train.
I go to their lost and found.
He says, nope.
And I go, he goes, what color is it?
I think red.
He goes, nah, there's no red phone there.
And I'm like, he goes, what was the number?
I go 9 1 7.
He goes, no, how do you know my number?
And I felt like saying, can you just get the basket?
And by the way, this wasn't quaint.
It was steel and there was plexiglass, bulletproof glass.
It was like right out of Total Recall or something.
I was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And I felt like saying, just get the basket, then you can show it to me and I'll prove to you it's mine if it is mine.
But no.
So then I take a taxi back to my car.
That's another $10.
And I'm now... I'm now... So that's $3.50 for a new phone plus $100 of bullshit and hours and hours of work.
So to not pay $100, I have paid at least five times that.
Yikes.
Pretty stupid, huh?
Again, that probably didn't even happen.
So don't think that you can take me to jail for that alleged confession.
That is a fine story that you've just conjured.
That's a silly, silly story.
But I think it's important right now we talk about something that very few men like to talk about, which is erectile dysfunction.
There's two types of erectile dysfunction.
There is the kind where you can't... Wait a minute, why won't this open?
There's the kind where you can't get it up because you're too wasted.
And then there's the kind where you can't get it up because you've done some sort of terrible drugs.
But in both those cases, you could be losing the one.
You follow me?
So I, I remember there was like, I remember this girl, she's one of the, I almost married her.
She was number two.
And, uh, on our first night, I was not, uh, at bat.
I was not ready to rock.
I don't know why.
It's possible that your brain goes, this isn't some dumb useless slut.
This is actually a big deal.
And you psych yourself out and then you blow it.
In which case you're very lucky if she gives you a second chance.
One thing I suggest you do is you go down there and perform like a saint.
And I've documented this many times on how to perform cunnilingus.
You just have to start very, very slow.
Don't get too hungry.
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Also, older dudes, I think we've forgotten that when you used to call it a wood, it was actually pretty accurate.
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I mean, it's great if you're married and stuff and you wanna make sure that everything goes great that one time you get a babysitter during the week, but I would think it's even more important for young men who are out there looking for Mrs. Right and you wanna dazzle.
In fact, I think with that girl, I ordered some Viagra online, which was insanely expensive.
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So it's in your wallet for emergency purposes.
Alright, should we go to the mailbag or are you playing a fucking video game this whole show?
Both.
We should also play the mailbag.
Why do you play video games?
Because it makes me feel like I can complete a task properly.
Why not complete a task properly?
Like, say, have the mailbag thing ready.
Why isn't that just on your desktop?
That's a great idea.
But I already told you that idea an hour ago.
Right.
No, stop.
Close that.
You want me to actually do it?
Literally do it.
Don't sit there and say it's a great idea, man.
Thanks for the tip.
Got it.
That's what she said.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Hey, Gavin, in the 2005 Vice Guide to Picking Up Chicks, wow, that was a long ass time ago, you suggested beating off to a girl you're into because it sends magical wank vibes into the cosmos.
I stole that tip, by the way, from Derek Beckles.
Since your team no wanks now, I'm against beating off to porn, which the left hates, by the way.
They make that into a thing.
Like, he tells his followers they may not beat off.
What?
Um, is there anything you'd recommend to replace this crucial step?
Also, I'm starting a punk band called Accidental Anal, since my friends think I accidentally stuck it in a girl's ass last week.
Personally, I like the name, so I'm gonna go along with it.
But they're just fags who are grossed out by that for some reason.
Sounds homophobic of them.
Uh, no, but Derek also had another tip that was involved in the wanks thing where you just pretend it's your girlfriend.
And so when you walk up to her in your head, you brainwash yourself into thinking you guys live together and this is your third date.
So when you see her, you're just like, Hey Jen, how you doing?
Huh?
Okay.
Uh, we should probably get going and blah, blah, blah.
All right.
Yeah.
Did you bring your keys?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's just your demeanor because you guys are madly in love.
You're an item.
Also, As you may have seen in my hit film how to be a man there's always shitty tits where you pretend that her breasts are just grotesque and you feel much more comfortable going out up to her because she's obviously lonely because she can't hold down a relationship because of those disgusting wart laden tits with hairy nipples and no meat in them.
You actually feel good about yourself because you're talking to a freak.
And you're like, I'm a sweet person to treat this woman like a human being and not a circus sideshow.
Also, the accidentally putting it in the butt, that's what Mattress Girl was all about, by the way.
That's why she ruined that guy's life.
Because he said, she said he put it in the butt and he wasn't supposed to.
And after she said, whoa, wrong hole, he kept going.
For a few too many pumps.
Meanwhile, he has texts of her saying to him, I want you to fuck me in the ass.
So not the strongest case in the world, which is why the MIPD told her to fuck off.
And she decided, oh well, I'll just ruin his life via social media.
Then I don't have to worry about the police.
And when asked why she didn't go to the police, she didn't tell the truth, which is the police told me I better watch it or I'm going to be in big trouble for lying.
She said, there's no perfect victims and the police made me feel uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Mindy Kaling had a sitcom where the guy, what's his name, Ben Novak Jr., who was one of the producers of The Office, his character did exactly that and it was a super funny jokey episode.
What's his name?
Novak?
BJ Novak.
The BJ Novak character put it in her butt and he says it was an accident and she doubts it was and the rest of the episode she's walking like with her butt away from him in a comical way.
So it's amazing how we can keep moving the goalposts with these particular things depending what the latest social media trend is.
Um, this is Misha from California.
Hey Gab, so I recently met this chick.
She is 8.5 in my opinion, and everything is going great.
But we are in California, and of course she's on the woke wagon.
She's also bisexual, and looks like she's very proud of her queer identity.
But I don't mind, as long as we are enjoying hot sex together.
Anyway, I consider myself a liberal, just I'm not okay with all this crazy progressive nonsense, but I've been avoiding politics as much as I can.
I don't know, though, for how much longer we can do this.
I know your wife is a liberal, so maybe you have some tips for me?
I like your new pink Fred Perry sweater, and your new website is gorgeous!
Um, I would just avoid it, Misha.
Like, why does it have to come up?
You're not, you guys aren't starting a political talk show together.
So I would avoid politics if you're courting ladies.
You gotta get them in.
I remember there was this enforcer who worked for my friend Robbie Dillon up in Montreal when he was a loan shark and he was Russian.
I think he's in jail now, or prison, sorry, for a double homicide.
but he told me this long story once where he said the way that you find the woman the way you caught the woman is you say everything is okay no problem so when she comes she say oh we get dinner you say yeah that's great and then she doesn't show up or she's maybe one hour late you say no problem okay whatever said hey i'm gonna go all my friends tonight i'm sorry i said we said we'd see movie but we can't see it tonight you go okay whatever babe see you later call give me a call when you can
Um, and you just keep making everything A-OK, right?
And if she'd like to have sex, if yes, if not, then that's cool, man.
And you keep going and you keep going with this.
Maybe it take two months.
I'm doing Italian and Russian at the same time.
And maybe it take two months.
And then one day she say, I love you.
And then he gets super mad.
I'm not going to do it in the studio, but he goes, then you turn around and you fuck her in the ass for all the bullshit she put you through.
That was his advice.
I think that's a little extreme, but I also think the general gist of the advice is pretty good, which is, uh, just bide your time.
Take it easy.
You know, I'm trying to find my next.
Yeah.
Uh, Naomi Schaefer Riley wrote this great column once about how the problem with marriage these days is everyone's looking for their soulmate.
She doesn't have to be your soulmate.
My wife is a liberal, voted for Hillary.
She's pro-choice, vegan.
We disagree on a hell of a lot of shit.
She's an Indian.
And my philosophy with the Indians is we fought you for 400 years and eventually we won.
We didn't steal shit.
She has a different attitude.
She's like, no, you guys played dirty pool.
It doesn't come up.
We got kids to talk about.
Are we going to go to my boy's baseball game later on?
Should we carpool?
There's plenty of shit to talk about.
Don't get involved in politics.
In fact, in Charles Murray's book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, he talks about things that are much more important like punctuality.
Is she a neat freak?
Does she like to party?
Does she drink?
There's a million other things that affect your day-to-day much more seriously than if she likes Trump.
And again, you know what?
I'm going to talk about this on Thursday's podcast.
Truth is based on information.
I don't believe in opinions anymore.
I think, if you think that something happened, it's up to the preponderance of evidence to decide if it happened.
For example, at my kid's baseball game on Saturday, there was this coach, and he was being a dick, and our team was losing, and after one of our main guys struck out, he's a beast, and a total animal, and we kind of rely on him for a lot of our hitting, and he struck out, and for maybe three seconds, he held the bat against his forehead, like, are you a dummy?
Dammit!
What's the matter with me?
Perfectly legit.
I'm literally three seconds at the most.
And the coach goes, let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay.
That pissed us off.
And then later one of the kids took too long to get to the plate.
I think he was reluctant because it was basis loaded and we were down one and he knew there was a lot of pressure on him and he wasn't into it.
These kids are 10 and he goes, let's move.
Let's move.
Come on.
That's twice.
He told our boys to move it.
So we're getting pissed off here.
We haven't said anything yet though.
And then his boy, I think it was his actual son, goes to bunt.
Probably because he can't hit.
And bunting isn't as easy as everyone says it is.
So it ricochets off the bat and hits his chest, and he just collapses to the ground and starts wailing.
And I'm not crying loudly, but he was being a pussy about it.
So the coach runs over, and they're sitting there, and they're, are you okay?
And then he's with them, and at one point, they're holding his arm and lifting it up and down like you would if someone had a car accident.
Like, what the fuck are we doing here?
Are you checking if his arm is broken from a pitch that was probably 40 miles an hour?
These are kids, remember?
And so our coach sort of mumbles to another one of our coaches, oh, I thought we were in a hurry here.
And the coach goes ballistic, and he's like, I'm trying to deal with my boy here that's messed up, and you're screaming at him to hurry up!
I never seen any shit like that before in my life!
And then at the end of the game, we ended up winning, by the way, 7-6, they come out to shake hands, and instead of shaking his hand, the mean coach grabbed our coach and goes, I never seen shit like that before in my life!
And then our coach is pretty zen.
He's just like, don't yell at my boys.
Don't yell at my boys.
So it was almost a fight.
And then my wife starts recording it.
And the other couples, the other moms were like, oh, you didn't record it when he was screaming at our kid after he was hurt.
And then the other moms were like, that's not how it went down.
Now, I just told you how it went down, right?
I guarantee if you talk to any of those parents, their version of the story is that their coach was just being normal, and then when one of their kids got hit, we all started yelling at him and saying, move it, move it, stop being a pussy!
And that's the truth that will go in their history books.
Whereas I just told you the truth.
And that's going down in my history books.
You know, I was talking to Sarah Silverman recently about this and I was, we hadn't spoken in a long time and she's like, are you still like this and like that?
I'm like, yeah, but that's, she's like, we're living in a terrible time in America and, you know, abortion rights.
I go, most, almost half women are pro-life.
So this isn't a woman thing.
It's an ethics thing.
And she goes, whatever, we're never going to agree.
Why bother?
And I go, yes, we are.
It's the truth is there.
It's just a matter of the data.
So if someone hates Trump or doesn't want smaller government or thinks cops are murderers, or doesn't give a shit about the working class and wants open borders and all that, it's not that they have a different opinion than you.
It's that they know less than you.
They don't have the whole truth.
So if a woman is being a woke weirdo, who's really powerful, thinks her veganism is really powerful, she's just not informed.
So don't waste your time trying to convince her that vegans aren't going to save the world.
Just go, Oh, well, she's not, she's not informed.
I mean, my area of expertise is seventies punk.
I'm not going to not date a woman because she doesn't know who the vibrators are.
I'm going to use a vibrator on her.
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All right, folks, so this is the last Monday show of your life.
I'm not doing these anymore.
From now on, the only thing that's gonna be free is the audio version of this podcast on Thursdays.
But if you go to freespeech.tv, you get new content every single day, and it's not just the news show.
There's Collins, there's live shows, there's celebrities, there's Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Cynthia Nixon, there's Marc Lamont Hill, there's Cornel West, there's Milo Yiannopoulos, Lots of stars.
And new people you never heard of, like the CEO of Parlay, who's going up to take down Twitter and create a replacement for Twitter.
Or some old cop who's on his way to jail because he planted cameras in a Hasidic Jew's office and caught him getting pegged by a prostitute and tried to blackmail him.
Actually, we lost that guy because by the time I set up the interview, he was already in prison.
That's Vincent Paco Gallo?
Yeah, Vincent Gallo, Ryan.
The guy from Buffalo 66 is a geriatric detective who is now in jail for framing a Hasidic Jew.
Parco.
Yeah, Vincent Parco.
Jesus Lord.
Gallo?
Could you be farther off?
That's Prince Vince.
That's the guy in our intro.
Oh.
In the Kangol hat.
Wow, you're a tard.
So yeah, go to freespeech.tv and sign up.
And not only will you get the free podcast on Thursday that you always get, but you get a vidcast of it and you can call in and see what videos we're talking about and stuff.
