#149 | I broke into the train yards the other day, allegedly
Gavin allegedly may have broken into the train yards to find the phone he left there last night. This is not a confession. The cop that helped him was a wonderful women but are tiny, female, cops really helpful to the force? We’re told they’re good for domestics but tell that to the tiny female cop in Sacramento who was just killed on the job. Once again, in the quest to prove everyone is equal, we are hurting the people we purport to help.
This cannot be used as a confession and used against me in a court of law.
This could be satire and is therefore not credible evidence in a court of law.
Anyway, back to my story.
Oh, and here's another thing, too.
This is going to be a short one.
It's not, we're not having video of this.
That starts this Thursday.
And this Thursday, the podcast will be on video on free speech.tv and it'll be still free for audio, but I'm not doing these Monday shows anymore.
I want people to start migrating over to free speech.tv.
I'm giving out too much free shit.
So to be clear, peace and love.
Peace and love.
The only free podcast is going to be Thursdays, and that's audio.
And you will be able to call in starting this Thursday on free speech.tv.
That podcast will also be a vidcast where you can see us talking about all this crap.
And if you want more G-Dog, you're going to have to subscribe to Freespeech.tv.
It's about a maker's mark on the rocks a month.
I'm sure you can afford that.
Although I'm not sure I can still afford to be drinking makers all the time.
So on Friday night, I'm in the city partying.
And if you want to get back to the burbs, again, this is not a confession, you got to leave crazy early if you want to get back by train.
Because it's not just, like, it takes me about three trains to get to Grand Central, or sorry, two trains to get to Grand Central.
And then I have to make sure that coincides with the suburbs train.
So the trains aren't running at a normal pace.
So you have to give yourself like over half an hour to get from Grand Central to that, I mean, from Midtown to Grand Central, really.
So you had to leave at like 11.
So I do that, have some bad luck, get there.
Maybe I didn't leave right at 11.
Anyway, I missed my 1139, and the next one's at 12.20.
So I look at Uber from Grand Central.
It's looking like $100.
And I think, you know what?
I'm not a dummy.
I may have been drinking all night, but I'm not spending $100 to get home.
I'll just wait 40 minutes for the train.
And the great part is it's New York.
So I can find a bar within 20 feet and I'll just sit here and drink.
More makers.
So I'm fucking piling them back.
Alone, sitting at the bar, being ugly.
We had a letter to the show, Get Off My Lawn, which is on every day, folks.
And it was a woman and her friends rationally explaining that I'm a 6.3 at best, looks wise.
So when you're a 6.3 in New York City and women who are pretty horny in this town because they're running out of time and they're looking for a mate, it's like a bear right before hibernation all year round.
So they're trying to get some food in them before they go to sleep because they might starve to death.
It's not good for women in New York City.
It's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
So when a disgusting old man who I was wearing a shirt, by the way, that said Jaw Army with Rastafarian epaulettes sits down.
They're just like, yeah, no, thanks.
I'll just talk to my friends and hope someone less ugly sits down.
So I'm sitting there and I time it right.
I get to 1220 and I'm looking at my phone and it's a bit of a hike.
I'm pretty far out in the burbs.
And I wake up and I'm at the end of the line, the last station.
So I jump out and I left my phone on the fucking train.
And I've had this new phone for about four or five days.
I haven't even updated all my passwords on all my various apps.
I get out and I think, well, I'll just wait for a taxi to take me home because I can't call an Uber, right?
But there's no taxis.
I'm up in New Haven, Connecticut.
There's no one around up there.
It's rich people land.
It's wasps.
Waspville.
That's an ugly word to say, isn't it?
Wasp.
Wasp.
Crisp.
Would you like some crisps?
Flask.
Would you like it.
I took some whiskey out of my flask, and then I was parched, so I grabbed some crisps and threw them away because I knew they make me more parched.
My hair was wispy that day.
I got wisps of hair in my flask after I ate too many crisps.
Ew, crisps.
It was gross.
Imagine your name was Crisps.
That's in an episode of Eagle Heart, where what's his name?
Chris, whatever.
Chris Elliott.
Chris Elliott.
They go, what's your name?
And he says, Chris, without realizing he has to come up with a fake name.
So as he's saying the word Chris, he comes up with a fake name and he goes, Chris.
And then for the rest of that episode, they're like, okay, Crisp, come over here.
We have.
It's pretty funny.
Crisp.
Anyway, so I need a taxi bad.
I got to get home.
Meanwhile, I did all this to save $100.
I probably spent $3,540 at the bar, right?
It's going to cost me $40 to get a taxi back to my stop from where I left off.
That's $80.
And the train was probably another $10, $90.
So I've saved $10 so far.
And that doesn't include the $300.50 phone I just fucking lost.
So I find a cop, and she is smaller than my 12-year-old daughter.
And I'm sorry.
I've never said this to a lady cop's face, but what are you doing?
What are you doing in the force?
And I'm also sorry I'm disparaging a cop who helped me out.
She called me a taxi.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate you.
But we've all seen that video where that woman is trying to get that black kid who was riding his bike on the sidewalk, and she's like a short, fat Puerto Rican.
Here in New York, they always get these Puerto Rican women to be cops, and their butts are just like fucking tables.
They look like two chairs stuffed in their pants.
And I find it attractive sexually, but not authority.
It doesn't make me feel safe to have some bowling pin with little booties on run around and say she's going to protect me.
Anyway, this one was Asian and she was just so fucking tiny.
Like, wasn't there a case?
There was a case recently where a cop is dealing with some driver.
He's a black dude.
He's like, fuck you.
You'd have a pullover white people, blah, blah, blah.
And it was getting more and more escalated.
He's like, give me your license, get out of the car.
I won't get out of the car.
Fuck you, fuck you.
Eventually, the guy grabs him and rips him out of the car.
And it wasn't a dangerous situation.
It was just like a total arrogant bratty dick who needed to be handcuffed, but he wasn't going to kill any cops.
And she goes, he's wrestling.
It's a male cop and a female cop.
He's wrestling.
He gets the guy to the ground and he's in control of the situation.
She's like, stop resisting.
I'll tase you.
Stop resisting.
I'll tase you.
The dumb bitch pulled out her gun.
And she goes, oh, shit, I shot him.
And you hear that on the body cam.
Oh, shit, I shot him.
Here.
I'll find it and send it to you.
I shot.
I shot the sheriff.
Boom, boom.
And I did not shoot the deputy.
Well, you're still a pretty bad guy, dude.
I don't care how many cops you shot.
You're still going to jail.
And I think she was acquitted because he was resisting arrest in an almost violent way, but the city's going to get sued to high hell.
And I talked to another cop about this.
And he said he used to work with a tiny woman as his partner, and it was hell, especially domestics, because she would just get all ornery.
Now, a domestic is the most dangerous situation a cop can be in.
Because say I'm at a fight in a bar and the cops show up, and the fight was about someone spilling my girl's drink.
Do I really want to go to the tombs for this?
I don't fucking, no, no, thanks.
Yes, officer, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Won't happen again.
Or I'll just poop out the back.
But if it's a domestic and she's going to charge you with domestic violence, you're never going to see your kids again.
You guys are getting divorced.
Your life's already over.
And some cop is going to intimidate you.
Fuck you, pig.
Let's do this.
And he tells me stories about domestics where they would, did I talk about this already?
Putting your t-shirt on your head?
I vaguely remember that, yeah.
The block you from the macros.
He was going to get pepper sprayed.
That was a private conversation, actually.
He was going to get pepper sprayed.
And the guy, the cop is telling me this story, by the way, is a fucking giant.
They call him Juggernaut because he looks exactly like Juggernaut.
And so he has to fight these guys.
So the last thing you want to do is have some tiny little bitch screaming, what you going to do?
Get down.
Get down now.
In a situation where the guy feels like he has absolutely nothing left to lose.
It's at the very end.
And so what he would do is, when they would get a domestic, he would call for backup before they even got there.
Because he knew shit was going to go down.
It was going to be horrible.
And then she would get all pissed off at him for calling for backup.
But he's like, let's just see how this plays out.
I have a funny feeling we'll be needing it.
And they always needed it.
So, oh, there he is, taking the guy out of the car.
Why would you shoot that back there?
Here, play that again.
It's very subtle.
You hear that?
Oh, shit, I shot him.
It was right in the fucking back, too.
It's lucky he lived.
Anyway, this is really cryptic and horrible what I'm about to say, so hold on to your hat.
While I was talking to her, I was drunk out of my mind, obviously.
I slept to the end of the line.
Part of me was like, I could knock this girl out.
Now, I'm not going to do that, but when someone comes up to your nipples and they're a little tiny Asian woman, it flashes through your mind.
Just like, say, someone was dressed in a French maid costume on Halloween and she could be asking for directions.
The back of your head is going to think about fucking her just because she's dressed like that.
It's going to pop in.
You're not going to do anything about it.
But, you know, your brain is constantly moving.
The synapses are going.
And this is a woman in a position of authority.
She's meant to control society.
We hired her to make sure everything runs smoothly.
She's the boss, and she has a gun that can kill people on her at the time.
She's the top of the authority chain, really.
I mean, I'm sure a judge is and the president is, but I don't want to come across judges and presidents.
So as far as my day-to-day life, this figure has the most authority in my life.
And I know how to knock people out, especially five foot two people who are frail little skinny women.
And so it goes through your mind, like, pop, I could just pop her in the chin and run away or take her gun or whatever.
You can fight the law and have the law not win.
So I was disturbed when that thought flashed through my head.
But then I thought, what about someone who's a criminal and who's drunk or on crack or something?
Or she's about to arrest him or she asks for his ID and he knows he has warrants out.
And if she checks his warrants, he's going back to Rikers for another year and a half, probably most of which will be solitary.
He's going to knock her out.
And it reminds me of this young woman who just died.
And I mean, all due respect to the dead.
I'm sorry to bring this up.
But she was killed in a domestic just the other day.
I forget where it was.
I can't look it up on my phone because my phone's lost.
But I looked at the pictures of her, and she must be five feet tall.
Like, what is she doing going to domestics in the first place?
She's tiny.
You know, we keep having these women in these dangerous situations.
That's the problem with all this empowerment.
Girls kick ass.
Girls rock.
And now they want to fight you.
Could it be this rookie Sacramento officer shot dead as she helps women during domestic violence called?
Yes.
Okay.
Look at her.
She looks like your sister.
I don't have a sister.
So anyway, yes, I do.
I get the taxi back.
What are you doing playing that?
A rookie police officer was gunned down responding to a domestic violence call.
Tara O'Sullivan is the first officer killed in the line of duty in Sacramento in 20 years.
Jamie Yukis is there.
We're devastated tonight.
Officer Tara Christina O'Sullivan gave her young life while protecting our community.
The nightmare unfolded.
All right, you know how it goes.
But I don't know, man.
I think affirmative action has damaged a lot of things.
It's hurt the economy and everything, but it's hard to find places where it's more dangerous than cops and firemen.
Can you carry a 200-pound person on your back?
No?
Well, then you can't work here in the fire department.
And your partner doesn't want to be working with you because you can't carry him on your back back down the stairs.
And with cops, it's a violent fucking job.
And I know, like, that just said there hasn't been a death in the police force in 20 years in Sacramento.
But it's possible just because you don't have a lot of people dying in your job doesn't mean it's not a dangerous job.
It could mean that the police are just good at fighting this danger.
I mean, you talk to cops in the South Bronx, and they're dealing with gunshots on an almost daily basis.
And they just don't get shot because they're good at it and they're cautious and they're strong.
Cops have to fight.
Cops get in fist fights all the fucking time, much more so in the 80s and 90s.
But still, to this day, you're going to be in a fight.
Women aren't as good at fighting as men.
They have less upper body strength.
So why did you choose a career where you're constantly fighting people?
That's not safe for you.
Boy, cops are fucked these days.
Not only do we have all this bullshit where some tiny little girl is next to you in a super dangerous situation having your back, but then we also have this culture where they say cops are hunting criminals and black people and they're totally evil and racist and they always react violently and you're going to get shot anyway.
Actually, that woman who said, holy shit, I shot him, is a combination of the two problems.
One is criminals and people of color, I'm sorry to say, assuming that the cops are out to kill them and totally overreacting and not complying and resisting.
And then incompetent female cops who can't handle the adrenaline rush and shit their pants.
And that makes it even more dangerous.
How about the truth?
So anyway, I take my taxi home, disappointed in the G. And the next day I do find my iPhone.
And it shows it's at the end of the line.
And I don't know, I think sometimes your brain can't handle the truth.
So your brain hands you a bone and it says, you know what's going to happen, dude?
You're going to go up to that train station and there's going to be a sweet old man with a little train conductor hat like in a children's book.
And there'll be lots of oak.
It'll be a little wood console and it'll be all worn out because it's from the 1800s.
You'll go there and you'll say, hey, Isla.
And he goes, I think I know what you're going to say, sonny.
You forgot your phone?
Come on in, pal.
And then he gives you the phone and there it is.
And you charge it up and everything's fine.
You go, thanks, mister.
Here, here's 20 bucks.
No, thanks.
I'm not allowed to take money.
You have a good day, boy.
So I get there.
There's no little old man.
It's at the yards.
It's not the last station.
By the way, no fantasy is complete without having to not spend your imaginary money on this imaginary miracle.
You cheap best.
Scottish person's fantasies always end with someone refusing a tip.
So I get to the yards and it is Fort Fucking Knox.
Again, this is not a confession.
This could all be a lie.
And the parking lot itself is all gates and fences and razor wire.
There's no way you're getting in.
Everyone swipes to just park their car.
So the idea that I can get in there and say, howdy, I'm wondering if anybody has a little basket of phones and bric-a-brac.
Oh yeah, here, let's sift through it together.
There's a mitten.
Did you lose a mitten?
Nope.
So that's not happening.
But it's so frustrating to see on your computer at the Dunkin' Donuts that it's right 50 feet from me.
And I just can't have it.
And I got to go through all this paperwork.
And you can imagine how long I'd be on hold waiting to talk to someone.
So I think maybe I can case the joint.
So I start walking around the circumference of the yards.
And I notice that there's this sort of stone wall and tons of weed and prickly bushes and stuff, but there doesn't seem to be a fence there.
It's kind of a hole in the plot.
Hey, guys, at the yards, you may want to just walk around the total perimeter of your establishment and make sure there's not beautiful stone steps that just walk you right onto the trains where they're parked.
So I skedaddle up there.
I've got a white t-shirt on and very light gray pants.
I look like Andrew WK.
And there's three trains on the yard.
Now, find your phone says it's in one of these three trains.
So two of them are close together, tucked away on the far side.
I go up to the back door of the caboose.
I like saying caboose.
It's much better than crisps, isn't it?
Caboose is nice.
You know what they say on Wikipedia, the nicest use of the English language is cellar door.
I've heard that, yeah.
I'll take a caboose over a cellar door any day.
Big caboose girls, you make this rocking world go round.
So it's got a bunch of different handles, and I turn them all.
And then the main one, I have to climb up.
So now I'm getting dirty, right?
I have to climb up this dirty, oily, shitty train.
I'm at the very back.
I open it up, it opens up.
And it kind of makes sense that they don't lock, right?
That's probably some sort of fire hazard thing.
You can't ever have these doors closing in case there's a fire and people.
Or if you lock someone in, maybe?
Yeah, like gray white.
Remember that band who everyone suffocated from the fire?
Oh, snap.
So I start looking at all the seats in each car, and there's beer there, and I see a newspaper, and I pick up the newspaper, and it says Friday.
So this is Saturday morning.
So I know I'm on the right train.
It's not something that's been there for weeks, right?
It's yesterday's paper.
And I check all the seats, but I also check the ground.
And that's making me more dirty.
So then I do that entire train, which is about 20 cars.
And as I'm walking down the length of the train, I see the train next to me has its doors open, like the doors you get in are open on this side.
So after I'm done the train, I go, well, I could crawl in between these two dirty cars, get even filthier, then crawl up between those.
And then I could crawl into the big open door.
So after I check train A, I go to train B and check it.
And my heart's kind of pounding too, because this is a felony.
And I'm sort of going, adrenaline control.
Boxing comes in handy here.
Take it down a notch, dude.
You're breaking the law.
You have a great story.
You're not a criminal.
You don't have a paint can in your hand or a bomb.
And I do the whole other train.
It's not fucking there.
Now, it hasn't occurred to me at this point that when Find Your Phone says it's at the yards, it means that's the last time we pinged it before it ran out of batteries.
It doesn't mean it's there now.
This is the last known location.
Once the battery's dead, it can be in Timbuktu.
Shit.
So.
I see there's one more train, but it's at the total other end of the yard, right?
And that's across maybe seven tracks.
Now we're into real felony town.
Now you're being seen, and no one is on this area without a yellow vest and the little conductor hat and all that stuff.
No one's wearing a white t-shirt.
They're either construction workers or maintenance guys or are they ticket collectors.
No one is ununiformed there.
I should have actually, I think it would be prudent to buy a construction helmet and a yellow vest for situations like this.
Although that probably increases your felony quite a bit.
Makes you look a little more premeditated.
So you ever watch the show Locked Up Abroad?
Yep.
It's a show about this guy who locked up some chick.
No, it's always the same story with Locked Up Abroad.
It's so fucking stressful to watch.
But it's like we smuggled all this hash from Indonesia once and we made $3,000 and then we were living large and I had been broke for a long time.
Okay, please don't do that again.
Then they do it again and you're like, Jesus Christ.
Now we had 6,000 and things were cooking and we were done.
We thought, all right, that's enough.
But then our connection, it's always some weird white Danish dude said, let's do one more big one, biggie, and you can do 16 grand.
It's always a crazy one.
Now here's what I think.
I think the authorities have deals with the drug dealers where they say, if you can get me a $16,000 bust, like a big amount of heroin, I'll let a bunch of shit go.
So I look good to the politicians because I'm busting major shit.
And that means I'll let a bunch of little stuff go.
So they seduce these dummies and say, get them with two, 3,000ers, and then they hit them with the 16,000.
So that last train was my 16,000.
And whenever you're watching the show, you go, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Look, God gave you a few chances.
That's it.
Get in and get out.
It's like a pyramid scheme.
You get in, you take advantage of the crazy interest rates, and you get out because it's illegal.
You're doing something illegal.
But I just thought, fuck it.
Maybe I still had a buzz from the night before.
And I said, I have to check this last train.
I want my fucking phone.
And it's not the money.
It's the hours and hours.
Like even today, I was calling the Apple Store and Verizon and all this shit.
And it was just so long.
And do you have your PIN number?
And do you know the serial code?
Who knows the serial number of anything?
I could look at it if I had it, but then we wouldn't be talking.
So I get to the last train.
And this is the even stupider part.
I see the ticket collector go in between the two cars.
This train is occupied, McInnes.
But then it's still just like locked up abroad.
Because they'll say in locked up abroad, they go, well, I knew we were past the point of no return and they just dropped me off at the airport.
And I just put my fucking giant gym bag on the conveyor.
And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's what I was doing.
And she always goes, it was too late now.
And I'm watching the show going, it's not too late now.
You're in the airport.
Say some guy just gave me this bag.
Anything.
You'll go to the jail and they'll deport you, whatever.
Say he's lying when he says you're in on it.
You haven't smuggled anything yet.
I don't think you've done anything illegal.
But I see the guy go through and I go, fuck it.
I can handle this.
And my dad tells me he would do this to himself too sometimes.
He would put himself in really shitty situations just to see what his brain would come up with.
It was like his brain was a separate entity.
And one time he was doing a, he would design military equipment for the American military, like optic systems for helicopters, whatever.
So he's working on one of those projects.
And what they do is they bid low.
And then like Trump, you keep charging more and more and more for over delays and extra work.
And oh, you change this.
We got to charge you more.
And you end up getting three times the price.
So he's doing one of those hustles.
And he gets there and he goes, I don't have a reason why we're charging more and why there's a delay, but let's see what my brain comes up with.
So probably goes out drinking the night before, shows up at this military base, and he says, now, I know you'll be wondering why it is we've had to increase costs and man hours on this particular project.
And they go, yeah, we were wondering that, Jim.
We had a deal here, and here we are.
What is this?
Another $10,000 again?
And he goes, yes, well.
And then he goes, all right, Brain, what do you got?
And guess what Brain said?
What?
Fuck all.
No.
Brain was like, you know what?
I'm done with this shit.
You think of something for a change.
Why am I Mr. Brains over here?
Just because I'm the brains of the operation?
I got to be the brains of the operation all the time?
Why don't you actually do some homework for a change and stop leaving me, my synapses here, to use the adrenaline all the time?
Oh, no.
I've always got to kickstart this thing.
So he just stared at them blankly with nothing to say.
And then one of them said, is it because we changed the optic system to include radar?
Yes.
And he goes, precisely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Finally, someone here knows what's going on and how difficult it is to design an XM1 tank.
And he was good.
So I didn't have that situation.
So I get up there and I'm in between two cars.
I've just crawled.
I'm fucking filthy at this point.
I look like a coal miner's daughter.
I got black hands.
My pants and shirt have black filth all over them.
My face is seriously chimney sweep levels of filth.
I look racist, actually.
I look like I'm in blackface.
And he was a black guy.
So he's like, what you trying to say?
No, he was a white guy.
And he just stares at me and I stare at him.
And it was like, you know, when you see an animal sometimes in the forest, like a deer, and he's so confused that you just stare at each other because you're both so shocked that another species exists on the same planet.
And he's looking at you going, Wow, a fucking human.
And you're going, wow, a fucking deer.
And so he's staring at me, going, Wow, a lunatic.
A homeless weirdo has snuck into the yards.
Is he going to kill me?
So the only good news here is I've had a haircut recently.
So I don't look that homeless, right?
They usually have dreads.
And I just go, hey.
And he's got his big keychain thing and he's just opened some panel or whatever.
And he goes, he doesn't say anything.
And I go, and I try to open the door, but he's now locked it.
And he goes, what are you doing here?
And I was like, all right, Brain.
I went for the $16,000 deal on Indonesian Jeopardy, and I got no plan B. Come up with something.
And Brain goes, I got this.
And he goes, I just woke up.
And he says, what?
Where?
And I go, in that train over there.
And I point across the yard to the two trains I had just looked at.
Yeah.
And he goes, huh?
And then he opens the door.
And then I said, and this really helped too.
I go, I'm a fucking idiot.
And then that sort of broke the ice.
Murderers tend not to call themselves idiots.
So he opens the door at that point.
He goes, what's going on?
I go, I don't, I just, I was, I just woke up.
I didn't know where I was.
I was calling for someone.
No, and then I saw you.
So I came over here and I, can I get out here?
And he goes, no, where were you trying to go?
And I'm like, I'm like four or five stops back.
And he goes, well, that's good because we're heading there now.
Go sit down.
I'll drive there and I'll shut my mouth.
But, you know, and I go, well, can I just get out here, actually?
And he goes, no, you'll get arrested.
It's trespassing.
And I realized my car is right over there.
I don't want to fucking take the train all the way back and then have to take it back to my car.
Oh, I see.
So he goes, just sit down.
And now I also, by the way, want to scour this train because it's the last of the three.
And it still hasn't occurred to me that the ping was wrong.
It's old news.
So I think I'm down to the very last option.
But I just said that I woke up and I'm happy to be getting a ride home.
I can't be scouring trains, right?
I'm a disoriented guy.
And then he talks to some other dude and then he comes back and he goes, wait a minute, what train were you on?
And I go, the last one last night, which is true because those newspapers said Friday.
And he goes, but that was at like two in the morning.
And I go, yeah.
And he goes, it's 11 a.m.
You had nine hours sleep?
And I go, I had just, again, my brain saved the day.
And he goes, I just finished a 20-hour shift.
And I guess I was a lot more tired than I thought.
And he just laughs.
And then we both laugh at how absurd the situation is.
And it is absurd because it's a lie.
And I go, what?
And he goes, well, you're rested now.
And I go, yep, ready to take on the day.
And then we both laugh at what a crazy situation it is being blue-collar guys who have to work crazy shifts and occasionally fall asleep on the train.
And they're not upper-middle-class morons who get so drunk they lose their phone trying to save a hundred bucks.
You know what I wish?
That laugh, it's like a tension breaker for you.
He's like, ah, finally.
He thinks he's buying the spiel he likes.
And then he stops laughing.
He's like, you're a fucking liar.
You're going to jail, buddy.
Yeah, he's like, you think it's a relief.
We have footage of you crawling up and getting on the train.
I sit here and watch it all night.
That's my job.
I'm here to catch you.
I've been watching you since you got here 40 minutes ago.
So then the train starts up and I realize I don't want to go all the way back home.
I got to get into my car.
Luckily, the next stop was, you know, the last stop, so it was only a quarter mile.
I get out of the car.
I mean, out of the train.
I go to their Lost and Found.
He says, nope.
And he goes, what color is it?
I think red.
He goes, no, there's no red phone there.
And I'm like, he goes, what was the number?
I go, 917.
He goes, no.
How do you know my number?
And I felt like saying, can you just get the basket?
And by the way, this wasn't quaint.
It was steel.
There's plexiglass, bulletproof glass.
It was like right out of total recall or something.
I was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And I felt like saying, just get the basket.
Then you can show it to me and I'll prove to you it's mine if it is mine.
But no.
So then I take a taxi back to my car.
That's another 10 bucks.
And I'm now, I'm now, so that's $3.50 for a new phone plus $100 of bullshit and hours and hours of work.
So to not pay $100, I have paid at least five times that.
Yikes.
Pretty stupid, huh?
Again, that probably didn't even happen.
So don't think that you can take me to jail for that alleged confession.
That is a fine story that you've just heard.
That is a silly story.
But I think it's important right now we talk about something that very few men like to talk about, which is erectile dysfunction.
There's two types of erectile dysfunction.
There is the kind where you can't Why don't we get it?
There's the kind where you can't get it up because you're too wasted, and then there's the kind where you can't get it up because you've done some sort of terrible drugs.
But in both those cases, you could be losing the one.
You follow me?
So I remember there was, like, I remember this girl, I almost married her.
She was number two.
And on our first night, I was not at bat.
I was not ready to rock.
I don't know why.
It's possible that your brain goes, this isn't some dumb, useless slut.
This is actually a big deal.
And you psych yourself out and then you blow it.
In which case, you're very lucky if she gives you a second chance.
One thing I suggest you do is you go down there and perform like a saint.
And I've documented this many times on how to perform kind of lingus.
You just have to start very, very slow.
Don't get too hungry.
Another solution to this problem is to have Blue Chew at hand.
So right now we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code GAVIN.
So that's free dick pills.
You just pay the $5 shipping.
That's B-L-U-E-Chu C-H-E-W.com promo code Gavin to try it free.
All you do is pay the shipping.
And you just keep that in your wallet for emergencies.
Also, older dudes, I think we've forgotten that when you used to call it a wood, it was actually pretty accurate.
Now I would call it a slightly frozen jujube, a gummy bear that was left in the snow for maybe 20 minutes.
From wood to cardboard, a blue chew story.
It's the better, cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast.
Blue Chew is prescribed online.
It's shipped straight to your door in a discrete package.
It doesn't say these are your boner pills, sir.
No in-person doctor's visit, no waiting in the pharmacy, and best of all, no more awkwardness.
I mean, it's great if you're married and stuff and you want to make sure that everything goes great that one time you get a babysitter during the week.
But I would think it's even more important for young men who are out there looking for Mrs. Wright and you want to dazzle.
In fact, I think with that girl, I ordered some Viagra online, which was insanely expensive.
It was like $25 a pill.
And I made sure the next five were out of the park.
Insane.
Perfect superlays.
They're made in the USA.
And since Blue Chew prepares and ships direct, they're cheaper than a pharmacy.
Blue Chew brings you the first chewable with the same FDA-approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis.
So you know they work.
But it's not the same price, especially when you buy that stuff online.
It's insanely expensive, Viagra and Cialis.
Again, we cannot promise or guarantee results, and we're not saying it cures a disease.
I got to throw that in there.
But go to bluechew.com and at least try it.
So it's in your wallet for emergency purposes.
All right, should we go to the mailbag or are you playing a fucking video game this whole show?
Both.
We should also play the mailbag.
Why do you play video games?
Because it makes me feel like I can complete a task properly.
Why not complete a task properly?
Like, say, have the mailbag thing ready.
Why isn't that just on your desktop?
That's a great idea.
But I already told you that idea an hour ago.
Right.
No, stop.
Close that.
You want me to actually do it?
Literally do it.
Don't sit there and say it's a great idea, man.
Thanks for the tip.
Got it.
That's what she said.
Ryan, shut up.
You don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
*sad music*
Hey, Gavin, in the 2005 Vice Guide to Picking Up Chicks, wow, that was a long ass time ago.
You suggested beating off to a girl you're into because it sends magical wank vibes into the cosmos.
I stole that tip, by the way, from Derek Beckles.
Since your team know wanks now, I'm against beating off to porn, which the left hates, by the way.
They make that into a thing.
Like, he tells his followers they may not beat off.
What?
Is there anything you'd recommend to replace this crucial step?
Also, I'm starting a punk band called Accidental Anal since my friends think I accidentally stuck it in a girl's ass last week.
Personally, I like the name, so I'm going to go along with it.
But they're just fags who are grossed out by that for some reason.
Sounds homophobic of them.
No, but Derek also had another tip that was involved in the Wanks thing where you just pretend it's your girlfriend.
And so when you walk up to her in your head, you brainwash yourself into thinking you guys live together and this is your third date.
So when you see her, you're just like, hey, Jen, how you doing?
Huh?
Okay.
We should probably get going and blah, blah, blah.
All right, yeah.
Did you bring your keys?
Yeah, okay.
That's just your demeanor because you guys are madly in love.
You're an item.
Also, as you may have seen in my hit film, How to Be a Man, there's always shitty tits where you pretend that her breasts are just grotesque and you feel much more comfortable going out up to her because she's obviously lonely because she can't hold down a relationship because of those disgusting wart-laden tits with hairy nipples and no meat in them.
You actually feel good about yourself because you're talking to a freak.
And you're like, I'm a sweet person to treat this woman like a human being and not a circus sideshow.
Also, the accidentally putting it in the butt, that's what Mattress Girl was all about, by the way.
That's why she ruined that guy's life because he said, she said he put it in the butt and he wasn't supposed to.
And after she said, whoa, whoa, whoa, wrong hole, he kept going for a few too many pumps.
Meanwhile, he has texts of her saying to him, I want you to fuck me in the ass.
So not the strongest case in the world, which is why the MIPD told her to fuck off.
And she decided, oh, well, I'll just ruin his life via social media.
Then I don't have to worry about the police.
And when asked why she didn't go to the police, she didn't tell the truth, which is the police told me I better watch it.
I'm going to be in big trouble for lying.
She said, there's no perfect victims.
And the police made me feel uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Mindy Kaling had a sitcom where the guy, what's his name?
Ben Novak Jr., who was one of the producers of The Office.
His character did exactly that.
And it was a super funny, jokey episode.
What's his name?
Novak?
B.J. Novak.
The B.J. Novak character put it in her butt, and he says it was an accident, and she doubts it was.
And the rest of the episode, she's walking like with her butt away from him in a comical way.
So it's amazing how we can keep moving the goalposts with these particular things, depending what the latest social media trend is.
This is Misha from California.
Hey, Gab, so I recently met this chick.
She is 8.5, in my opinion, and everything is going great.
But we are in California, and of course she's on the woke wagon.
She's also bisexual and looks like she's very proud of her queer identity.
But I don't mind, as long as we are enjoying hot sex together.
Anyway, I consider myself a liberal.
Just I'm not okay with all this crazy progressive nonsense, but I've been avoiding politics as much as I can.
I don't know, though, for how much longer we can do this.
I know your wife is a liberal, so maybe you have some tips for me.
I like your new pink Fred Perry sweater, and your new website is gorgeous.
I would just avoid it, Misha.
Like, why does it have to come up?
you guys aren't starting a political talk show together.
So, I would avoid politics if you're courting ladies.
You got to get them in.
I remember there was this enforcer who worked for my friend Robbie Dylan up in Montreal when he was a loan shark, and he was Russian.
I think he's in jail now, or prison, sorry, for a double homicide.
But he told me this long story once where he said, the way that you find the woman, the way you court woman is you say, everything is okay, no problem.
So when she comes, she say, oh, we get dinner.
You say, yeah, that's great.
And then she doesn't show up.
Or she's maybe one hour late.
You say, no problem, okay, whatever.
She said, hey, I'm going to go with my friends tonight.
I'm sorry.
I said, we said we'd see a movie, but we can't see it tonight.
And you go, okay, whatever, babe.
See you later.
Give me a call when you can.
And you just keep making everything A-OK, right?
And if she'd like to have sex, if yes, if not, then that's cool, man.
And you keep going and you keep going with this.
Maybe it take two months.
I'm doing Italian and Russian at the same time.
Maybe it takes two months.
And then one day she say, I love you.
And then he gets super mad.
I'm not going to do it in this studio.
But he goes, then you turn around and you fuck her in the ass for all the bullshit she put you through.
That was his advice.
I think that's a little extreme, but I also think the general gist of the advice is pretty good, which is, you know, just bide your time.
Take it ease.
You know?
I'm trying to find my next, yeah.
Not everything, like Naomi Schaefer-Riley wrote this great column once about how the problem with marriage these days is everyone's looking for their soulmate.
She doesn't have to be your soulmate.
You guys, my wife is a liberal, voted for Hillary.
She's pro-choice, vegan.
Like, we disagree on a hell of a lot of shit.
She's an Indian.
And my philosophy with the Indians is, we fought you for 400 years, and eventually we won.
We didn't steal shit.
She has a different attitude.
She's like, no, you guys played Dirty Pool.
It doesn't come up.
We got kids to talk about.
Are we going to go to my boys' baseball game later on?
Should we carpool?
There's plenty of shit to talk about.
Don't get involved in politics.
In fact, in Charles Murray's book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, he talks about things that are much more important, like punctuality.
Is she a neat freak?
Does she like to party?
Does she drink?
There's a million other things that affect your day-to-day much more seriously than if she likes Trump.
And again, you know what?
I'm going to talk about this on Thursday's podcast.
Truth is based on information.
I don't believe in opinions anymore.
I think if you think that something happened, it's up to the preponderance of items to decide if it happened.
For example, at my kids' baseball game on Saturday, there was this coach and he was being a dick.
And our team was losing.
And after one of our main guys struck out, he's a beast and total animal.
And we kind of rely on him for a lot of our hitting.
And he struck out.
And for maybe three seconds, he held the bat against his forehead like a, you dummy.
Damn it.
What's the matter with me?
Perfectly legit.
Literally three seconds at the most.
And the coach goes, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Okay.
That pissed us off.
And then later, one of the kids took too long to get to the plate.
I think he was reluctant because it was bases loaded and we were down one and he knew there's a lot of pressure on him and he wasn't into it.
These kids are 10.
And he goes, let's move, let's move, come on.
That's twice he told our boys to move it.
So we're getting pissed off here.
We haven't said anything yet, though.
And then his boy, I think it was his actual son, goes to bunt, probably because he can't hit.
And bunting isn't as easy as everyone says it is.
So it ricochets off the bat and hits his chest, and he just collapses to the ground and starts wailing.
And not crying loudly, but he was being a pussy about it.
So the coach runs over and they're sitting there and they're, are you okay?
And then with him.
And at one point, they're holding his arm and lifting it up and down like you would if someone had a car accident.
Like, what the fuck are we doing here?
Are you checking if his arm is broken from a pitch that was probably 40 miles an hour?
These are kids, remember?
And so our coach sort of mumbles to another one of our coaches, oh, I thought we're in a hurry here.
And the coach goes ballistic.
And he's like, I'm trying to deal with my boy here that's messed up.
And you're screaming at him to hurry up.
I never seen any shit like that before in my life.
And then at the end of the game, we ended up winning, by the way, 7-6.
They come out to shake hands.
And instead of shaking his hand, the mean coach grabbed our coach and goes, I never seen shit like that before in my life.
And then our coach is pretty zen.
He's just like, don't yell at my boys.
Don't yell at my boys.
So it was almost a fight.
And then my wife starts recording it.
And the other couples, the other moms are like, oh, you didn't record it when he was screaming at our kid after he was hurt.
And then the other moms were like, that's not how it went down.
Now, I just told you how it went down, right?
I guarantee you, if you talk to any of those parents, their version of the story is that their coach was just being normal.
And then when one of their kids got hit, we all started yelling at him and saying, move it, move it, stop being a pussy.
And that's the truth that will go in their history books.
Whereas I just told you the truth.
And that's going down in my history books.
Now, you know, I was talking to Sarah Silverman recently about this.
And we hadn't spoken in a long time.
And she's like, are you still like this and like that?
I'm like, yeah, but that's, she's like, we're living in a terrible time in America and, you know, abortion rights.
I go, most, almost half women are pro-life.
So this isn't a woman thing.
It's an ethics thing.
And she goes, whatever, we're never going to agree.
Why bother?
And I go, yes, we are.
The truth is there.
It's just a matter of the data.
So if someone hates Trump or doesn't want smaller government or thinks cops are murderers or doesn't give a shit about the working class and wants open borders and all that, it's not that they have a different opinion than you.
It's that they know less than you.
They don't have the whole truth.
So if a woman is being a woke weirdo who's really powerful, thinks her veganism is really powerful, she's just not informed.
So don't waste your time trying to convince her that vegans aren't going to save the world.
Just go, oh, well, She's not informed.
I mean, my area of expertise is 70s punk.
I'm not going to not date a woman because she doesn't know who the vibrators are.
I'm going to use a vibrator on her.
And if you don't believe me, then place a bet.
And if you want to do that bet, you should do it at Bet DSI.
You can use your sports knowledge to make some extra cash this week.
Bet DSI offers online wagering and has been paying winners for 20 years.
Use the link betsi.com slash Gavin to deposit with credit card or even Bitcoin and you get 100% bonus.
Just like Blue Chew, I'm offering you free stuff.
All you got to do is put in my name and you get free stuff.
That seems pretty awesome to me.
New members get 100% bonus match using promo code Gavin.
That's more than double your money to start winning today.
Also, by using Gavin, you will automatically be granted a free $25 wager.
And betting on the Mets this series with the Cubs would have been a hell of a chore because I think the Cubs slaughtered us the first game.
We slaughtered them the second game.
And then the third game, we won by a squeak.
And Mickey Calloway was going nuts on one journalist calling him a motherfucker and stuff.
And I think it was the guy who has buttholes for eyes was threatening to knock him the fuck out.
Excuse my language, but that's what was going down.
You could have, that all could have been money for you.
What if you bet, it's, I don't know if you can bet on coaches losing their temper, but it's amazing what you can bet on.
You can bet on fighting, NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA football, and all other major sports, politics, reality TV, esports, virtually everything.
I think you can bet on when celebrities are going to die.
BetDSI has a very friendly interface and mobile site.
BetDSI also has the fastest payouts in the industry.
Simply play, win, and get paid.
And remember, you have to use the code GAVIN, and you got to put some money down to get some money.
A lot of people are just signing up using my promo code and then not getting anything.
All right, folks, so this is the last Monday show of your life.
I'm not doing these anymore.
From now on, the only thing that's going to be free is the audio version of this podcast on Thursdays.
But if you go to free speech.tv, you get new content every single day.
And it's not just the news show.
There's Collins, there's live shows, there's celebrities.
There's Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Cynthia Nixon, there's Mark Lamond Hill, there's Cornell West, there's Milo Yiannopoulos, there's lots of stars and new people you never heard of, like the CEO of Parlay, who's going up to take down Twitter and create a replacement for Twitter, or some old cop who's on his way to jail because he planted cameras in a Hasidic Jews office and caught him getting pegged by a prostitute and tried to blackmail him.
Actually, we lost that guy because by the time I set up the interview, he was already in prison.
That's Vincent Paco.
Gallo?
Yeah, Vincent Gallo, Ryan.
The guy from Buffalo 66 is a geriatric detective who is now in jail for framing a Hasidic Jew.
Parko.
Yeah, Vincent Parko.
Jesus Lord.
Gallo?
Could you be farther off?
That's Prince Vince.
That's the guy in our intro.
Oh.
In the Kangal hat.
Wow, you're a tard.
So yeah, go to free speech.tv and sign up.
And not only will you get the free podcast on Thursday at Yoah's Gap, but you get a vidcast of it.
You can call in and see what videos we're talking about and stuff.
