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June 19, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:08:44
#148 | Antifa is trying to SWAT our July 6th rally

Now available in vidcast format on Censored.TV! We dive deeper into the Max Landis controversy because it really sums up how totally lame millennials are - no original ideas and happy to pillory someone outside of the courts because doing it through social media is just more convenient. The male bag reveals old people wear terrible shoes and it is BRUTAL being a single 29-year-old woman in today’s dating climate.

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Time Text
Antifa is trying to swat our July 6th rally.
Do you know what swatting is?
Like, uh, you call the feds so that way they come and swat you.
Yeah, a guy got killed.
A dude got killed.
Some, some joker can look this up.
He's a really ugly dude.
Um, like his, you look at his face, his head, the shape of his head, and you just go, you're like, God fucked up.
You're just bad.
You're like a bug that became a man.
You know how when you get punished, you're reincarnated as something horrible?
Well, sometimes when you're a really good bug, you get reincarnated as a human, but you're a shitty human.
Yeah, that's him.
We're doing something kind of interesting now.
We're showing this podcast video-wise on freespeech.tv.
So you get a bunch of different shows on freespeech.tv, but you also get this podcast, which is very similar to Get Off My Lawn the show, Um, but it's more talky and, uh, there's more stuff.
And for example, right now when we talked about that ugly dude who got a guy killed by swatting, we're looking at him.
But you can't see him cause you're on iTunes.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You can't see that his eyes are all weird, his eyebrows are all weird and patchy.
And he's got like a lightbulb head and a weird goblin nose.
He looks like that guy from Harry Potter, the little cute guy.
Dobby.
Dobby.
No, Dobby, no!
He looks like Dobby.
What if your name was Dobby?
Anyway, Abu Dhabi.
So yeah, he swatted some dude in the, you know, he didn't act perfectly when the whole SWAT team was there.
The cops fucked up and shot the man dead.
So that guy went to jail.
This guy, he was charged of manslaughter.
So Antifa has told the DC police that Jack Posobiec and I, and don't take this quote out of context, are bringing grenades and rocket launchers.
If I had a rocket launcher, some son of a bitch would die.
Do you know that song?
That sounds like Bruce Springsteen again.
That's Bruce Cockburn.
Oh.
Pronounced Coburn.
You Americans don't realize that in Canada we grew up with Canadian content laws.
So incredibly bad music skyrocketed to number 10.
To top 10.
Because the radio stations were forced to play... It varied over the years.
Sometimes it was 40% Canadian content, aka CanCon.
Sometimes it was like 90%.
So you know when you watch Steven Crowder and there's that guy going, You're a strange animal, that's what I know.
That was Gowan, he was called.
Unbelievably corny, terrible music.
We talked about Parachute Club.
Rise up, rise up, rise up, fill your power.
Spirit time has come.
And when my wife's with me up in Canada, she goes, what the fuck are we listening to?
I go, we're listening to the Parachute Club.
The top 10 hits of Canada.
And then Bruce Coburn has, if I had a rocket, don't play it because we're, we might put this on.
Oh yeah.
Oh no, we won't put it on you.
Oh, we might put it on YouTube.
Yeah.
So the reason I'm doing this is because.
You're getting free content, but I want you to come to freespeech.tv and I want to give you an incentive.
So now it is, you can see this show and a bunch of other shows.
We have Free Speech Presents, where we have funny little skits and whatever.
Don't play the song, genius ass!
I got it.
If you slow it down, you can play it.
What do you mean, slow it down?
Are you going to slow it down now?
Yeah.
You're going to do it in post?
Just stop!
Just stop!
Jesus Christ.
There's just a live stream that me and Milo do.
There's free speech, the show, and that's where I have a liberal and a conservative sit down and have a civil conversation about what they agree on.
Then there's Get Off My Lawn, the news show.
Now there's Get Off My Lawn, the video version of the podcast.
And there's also Off the Record, where I go through my records.
So that's just six shows off the dome that I can think of.
So yeah, they've told the DC police, who have failed to contact me, I'm not sure they take this threat seriously, that we're bringing grenades and rocket launchers.
Now this goes back to what we always talk about where we go, play it through.
Let's just play it out here.
So how, somehow, we get a hold of RPGs.
That must be pretty much the hardest thing in the world.
I bet it's easier to rob a bank and have people whacked and, I don't know, blow up a dirty bomb.
What could be harder as a criminal than getting RPGs?
Has that ever been in the news?
Bank robbers use rocket propelled grenades to blow up front of bank.
Crips take rocket launchers to Blood's headquarters and just... Even in a movie, if you saw that, you'd go, man, this movie's stupid.
Now, it could be in a comedy, but the comedy would be an over-the-top, super hilarious, crazy Sacha Baron Cohen thing.
Want to cut to the wide for a second here?
Yeah.
Oh, rocket launcher toted in an armed car robbery.
It has happened.
Where is that?
Los Angeles.
Los Angeles.
You can use a... Rocking in L.A.
Rocket launching in L.A.
Rocket launching in L.A.
Nobody launches in L.A.
Robbers armed with explosives and a rocket launcher.
Okay, I apologize.
Wow.
It has happened.
Attacked an armored delivery van.
Where did they get it from?
They did not fire the rocket launcher, but used explosives to break the van's locks.
Who are these mental patients?
Jesus, guys.
What are they gonna get, too?
Oh, no, no, wait, that's the LA Times, but it was in southeastern France.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
I guess, I guarantee they're not French-born.
Yeah.
But they say French Nationals or something.
I'm guessing they came from West Africa.
And they are used to having rocket launchers where they can shoot cows for sport and occasionally rob a bank.
What is it?
Who's that guy?
General Butt Naked?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's impervious to bullets?
When he's naked.
When he's naked, yeah.
Uh, no offense, General Butt-Naked, I don't want to denigrate you in front of your soldiers, but can I just test that out, please?
In the balls?
Can I just put this gun up to your balls?
Pew!
Oh, okay, it's true.
I had no idea that you are capable of bouncing bullets off your balls.
Well, he's not exactly butt naked.
He's got a hat on and some kind of vest.
Occasionally.
Yeah.
So you define butt naked as 0% clothing.
Yep.
Like if you were to wear a Make America Great Again hat and you're totally naked, you're not butt naked.
No.
That's fair.
I'm down with that.
Specialships.
That's what's up.
Oh man.
Um, so yeah.
Let's just play this through, right?
Somehow these guys, Jack and me, get these... This would be a book about the attack called Jack and me.
Jack and me get a hold of these insane weapons that are hard for the American military to get a hold of.
Or Crimson King songs.
I bet if you were in Afghanistan and you go, Jesus, we could do with some more RPGs, and you called your superiors, they'd go, damn it, dude.
I mean, I guess I could get them shipped there in like a month.
But no, I need them tonight.
I can't get you RPGs tonight.
What the fuck do you think this is?
So, there's a crowd of Antifa, they're all like in one area, and then two guys, I don't know why, maybe some of the other speakers are there, I think there's about 10 speakers there.
By the way, I hope it gets shut down, I hate rallies.
I hate speeches.
I like getting paid five grand to do a speech, that's fun, just show up there, make some jokes and leave.
But I don't like doing these things for next to nothing, having to fly to DC, take a train to DC, whatever.
You gotta get a hotel, you get out there, people are screaming, yelling shit at you, pepper spraying you.
It's not exactly a pleasant forum for comedy.
So, yeah, shut it down for all I care.
No, I'm just kidding.
It's very important that we have free speech in this country.
And I'll also be using it to push my website, freespeech.tv.
So part of it is selling out, whatever you want to call it.
I'm picking my nose because I forgot we're videotaping this.
So yeah, let's play it through.
So there's a crowd over there.
You throw a grenade in there.
We have several grenades.
Let's guess that they're saying that Jack and I have like five each, right?
Surely when you throw the first one...
That's it.
I mean, the National Guard's coming.
You're not going to be throwing grenades for the better part of the day.
So, with the rocket launcher and the grenades, the first rocket launch, that's the day done.
I mean, the Army's now involved.
So, I don't think you need to bring a bunch of grenades and a rocket launcher.
It's not like you're going to get a lot of shots in.
So, let's just say one of our shots.
By the way, how do we hide these?
You walk up to the podium and you happen to be carrying a giant cylindrical tube with a rocket in the tip?
But let's say somehow you put it in, I don't know, a big hockey gear bag.
So you throw the grenade and then everyone's freaking out and you blow them up and there's limbs everywhere.
I mean, it would be one of the most consequential terrorist attacks in history.
It's obviously not as many people as 9-11, but people would talk about it in the same breath.
Like, remember those white power Nazis or whatever they called it?
Because they wouldn't just say, You know, multiracial libertarians who are slightly right of center and like Trump.
That's too fair.
So they'd say Nazis, whatever.
And they say, remember when they threw grenades at innocent people, liberals, people that disagree with them?
Yeah, they never say Antifa.
They say people who disagree with them, not actual designated terrorists.
What's the truth on that?
Was the Department of Homeland Security designated Antifa terrorist group?
Right?
Yes.
The Antifa, yeah.
But who exactly did that?
I thought it was New Jersey.
Oh yeah, it was in a particular state.
Yeah.
Walking in LA!
So then you do that.
And there's body parts everywhere.
You've killed, you know, brothers, sons and daughters of people.
You've killed family members, murdered innocent Americans.
Yeah, well until the innocent Americans.
I don't want them to die.
That's the crazy thing too.
Like they say, they want to kill us, literally murder us.
And it's under the auspices that we want them to die.
You don't want trans people to exist.
What?
No, I'm just not taking the bathroom shit seriously.
I don't want to kill anyone.
Are you crazy?
You're the guys who talk about killing all the time.
With fucking comedians carrying Trump's head all bloodied.
What is this?
U.S.
security officials have classified the left-wing group Antifa as domestic terrorists.
But what U.S.
security officials?
What does that mean?
Oh, the Department of Homeland Security, DHS, That doesn't sound like they're deemed a terrorist group.
This is like more fake news.
Yeah, that's pretty soft.
And made claims Antifa become more confrontational.
A confidential intelligence report by the DHS and the FBI accused anarchist extremists of attacks on police government political institutions.
Along with the symbols of the capitalist system.
It describes some of their activities as domestic terrorist violence.
That doesn't sound like they're deemed a terrorist group.
This is like more fake news.
Yeah, that's pretty soft.
It's like when they said the Proud Boys were deemed an extremist group and it was wrong.
or Only difference is with Proud Boys, they were wrong.
With Antifa, they're right.
They use terror and violence to achieve political gains.
That's what terrorism is.
All Proud Boys say is, don't hit that guy.
So yeah, so we blow them up with grenades and then what?
And then like cop cars show up and those get hit with the RPGs, but they know we love cops.
So who are we shooting with the RPGs?
Another mob?
Didn't we already blow them up with grenades?
Maybe, like, you're a little, like, vain and, like, other speakers, like your fellow speakers, you're like, I wanna do the best speech.
So you blow up Jack himself.
Oh, I see, yeah.
So you and Jack are battling.
It's gonna be an RPG duel.
Yeah.
We do ten paces and then turn around and just... Yeah.
What if we're just super fun rednecks and we're like, free speech, fucking rocks, let me hear ya!
And then we take a grenade and throw it straight up in the air and it just goes... Yeah, god damn it!
And then we take an RPG and just sink the rocket in the thing and it just goes... Just explodes safely in the sky.
I call those simper fireworks.
Bring out the tannerite.
I can't hear you, do you like free speech?
Goddamn right you do!
Yeah!
Wow, looking at it, it's a packed crowd.
There's a full house.
Speaking of full house, you ever meet Danny Tannerite?
Load them up, boy.
Get it?
See, that's another comedy moment you'll miss by not going to freespeech.tv.
Yeah.
Because we do this adorable thing where I punish him for making crappy jokes and relying too heavily upon puns.
Danny Tannerite.
Danny Tannerite.
Rick-diculous.
That's your fucking nickname.
That's pretty good.
Oh, you know what I wanted to talk about?
We were talking on freespeech.tv.
About this guy Max Landis.
So Max Landis was the son of John Landis.
John Landis did Animal House, Blues Brothers, American Woman in London, basically all your favorite movies.
And he's worth $150 million because of it.
And lo and behold, when you have $150 million in the bank, your son's a douche.
But the question is, is being a douche illegal?
So he's been moving up the ladder.
And he directed, he wrote Bright on Netflix about orcs, which is a really cool show that everyone hated because they thought it was politically incorrect.
But he's got these accusations now.
Eight women have come forward accusing him of being a repeated sexual predator.
And you look it up and you realize coming forward means Twitter.
They've been tweeting, this guy's a dick.
And you go, I dicks are jerks by definition.
But if you're going to ruin a guy's career, maybe you should go to the cops, especially if he's a serial rapist.
Don't you want him off the street so he won't do it again?
So I went into a Max Landis wormhole.
And Jesus Lord, does it make you hate millennials?
I'm, I'm, I fear for my children, both the daughter and the sons, because it's like these kangaroo courts of rumors and innuendo.
Look, if a guy's a rapist, yeah, ruin his career, throw him in jail.
It's we got, we usually do 15 years for rape, but outside of court, you're just doing this based on stories.
So I combed through all the stories.
And I found a bunch of like, he would hit hands, hit food out of my hands when I was eating and he called me fat all the time.
Oh my God, are you okay?
One of them goes, you don't know it's abuse until, until it's over.
And then you look back and go, I was abused.
Uh, if you don't know you're being abused, then it's not that bad.
It's not illegal bad, it's not ruin a career bad.
So I found two instances where it was not just some asshole being a dick, it was someone committing crimes.
And one of them was, this chick was super drunk, like zombie drunk, and he was about to fuck her, and she was saying her boyfriend's name, or ex-boyfriend's name, so she was so wasted that she was completely out of it.
That's illegal!
Fornicating with someone who's dead to the world is rape.
So apparently that woman went to, she filed a domestic violence thing and Max Landis' lawyer allegedly, all of this is alleged, allegedly talked her out of it saying you're going to have to relive the whole experience.
And she goes, oh, I don't want to do that then.
The end.
Wait a minute.
If he really did that, you're letting a rapist free.
And we don't know if he really did it because he didn't go to court.
So then the other one I found was he said, this woman said that he lay on top of her and was trying to force her legs apart.
She kept saying no, and eventually he stopped.
And she's, there's all this bias too.
Like it says he got bored and stopped.
And then when he's asked about that particular incident, he says, no, I was trying to fuck her.
And she said, no.
So I stopped.
And you go, all right, those two are very different.
One's attempted a rape, which is sexual assault.
And the other is just something didn't work out.
This is why we have the law.
This is why we have to go to court.
I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable to go to court.
But I, I guess who that is?
Grape Lady.
Grape Lady.
Good boy.
Grape Lady.
Good boy.
Thanks.
But I'm looking at all of these, his friends throw him under the bus.
And you know, you could see that as evidence that he was an evil person.
Or you could just see it as pussy town.
And where is this now?
Is this Brad Gage?
Yeah.
I got it, it's right here.
Don't do British accents, dude.
Fuck.
Your British accents suck balls.
Your Scottish makes my ears bleed and all your English accents are terrible.
Do them on your own time.
My Australian's really good.
Let's hear it, he says with trepidation.
Well, I don't know.
The biggest shame of my life was knowing that I was friends with Max Landis.
Recently there have been several women to come forward with statements about Max's extreme manipulation and sexual, emotional and verbal abuse.
Okay, that's a pretty good accent by the way.
So this is his best friend of 10 years.
And the shit hits the fan in a day and all of a sudden this guy, who I guess didn't know him for 10 years, I had no idea my best friend was doing extreme manipulation.
What the fuck is extreme manipulation?
I read more about this dude.
Cuz daddy's rich, he'd have these parties where he'd throw down like 50k.
And everyone wanted to be around him.
So he took advantage of that and fucked all the girls in the group.
Made sure the group was very girl heavy.
And uh... Yeah, they would be in his little stupid video shorts and go to his parties and have a gay old time.
And that's extreme.
It's sort of like that Nexum guy, you know, the sex cult guy.
Now, if you, I don't know all the details of the case, but you know, kidnapping is a major crime.
And if he was locking a woman in a room, And abusing her?
Yeah, we got laws for that.
That's great.
That's kidnapping.
You're in jail.
But a lot of what I read was like, he would manipulate these women and he would have sex with them and tell them that they were nothing.
And he would make them go to these meetings and they'd have to be naked at the meetings.
And you go, wait a minute, what do you mean make?
Was it at gunpoint?
No, he was just, it was like a cult.
He was so manipulative.
And you're reading a lot of this and it says it was like a cult.
A cult?
Is that illegal?
Is it illegal to have a cult?
I mean, isn't Scientology a cult?
Did L. Ron Hubbard do anything illegal?
Anyway.
I think it's freedom of assembly, right?
This is his best friend throwing him under the bus, which...
If this guy, it's a lose-lose for you, Brad Gage, you fucking millennial turd.
You either hung out with a rapist for 10 years or you didn't have your buddy's back when he was accused of being a rapist.
So lose-lose for loser Brad Gage.
The biggest, what does he say?
Because I know these women and I know they're telling the truth.
Their truths are why I completely cut ties with Max over two years ago.
Oh, sorry.
So he took care of this two years ago.
They were only friends for eight years.
These women's stories are real and honest and should be taken seriously.
For me, this is absolutely the most important takeaway.
I don't even like snitches if the person's guilty.
Now that this is all coming tonight, it's even clearer to me, you mean now that my ass is on the line, that everyone deals with shame on their own timeline.
What?
Don't you hate Millennials?
Hate has a home here, and it's hate for the kids today.
Everyone deals with shame on their own timeline.
In other words, I'm a pussy, I let my friend get away with abusing a woman because he was rich and we had awesome parties, and now that everyone knows about it, my timeline is now.
Now I'm out.
I'm dealing with shame now.
Some timelines are more convenient and opportunistic than others, okay?
For the past two years, I've spent an incredible amount of time wondering how I enabled Max's duplicity.
Yeah, so are we, pussy.
Of course I feel dumb for believing a friend was getting better when he said he was.
Of course I feel guilty remembering moments where I should have more thoroughly checked in with my... Ew!
They all speak in this like therapist... clap trap.
You know what I'm talking about?
Howard Stern talks like this too.
So are you getting to know yourself better?
Are you acquiring the tools that are required to fix your life?
Are you armoring yourself for any letdowns?
Are you solving problems?
Of course I feel guilty remembering moments where I should have more thoroughly checked in.
What does he end it with?
When I could tell he was causing distress.
This is why I cut ties after only eight years.
We all want to believe that people closest to us are telling the truth and aren't manipulating us.
It's not a crime to manipulate.
It's called an asshole move.
And if someone is being manipulative, then just peace out.
It's not your problem.
Get out of there.
You can't cry about it and now he can't do movies because he manipulated you?
What are you doing with that camera?
Don't put that camera there.
No, I'm trying to see if I could just have it pick up my mouth.
Nothing bad is happening.
Nothing bad is happening?
Yes.
Instead I see the most dangerous people are the monsters.
My friend was a monster!
I know that waiting for someone to appear as an entirely good guy or entirely a monster can allow manipulation, secrecy, and shame.
Shame!
This is why they hate the Proud Boys, because shame is their currency.
Isn't it ironic, by the way, how manipulative this thread is, this little pussy, is manipulating everyone around him because he doesn't want to lose his girlfriends and his His gigs.
Hollywood is, of course, as we learned from the Landis case, one little flub.
Not that this was a little flub, sorry.
But once your shit explodes, you're done.
His career is over.
This is probably bad for John Landis at this point.
I bet his Wikipedia will now say, his son was manipulative.
Max operated in everyone's blind spot, but the great thing about that is, once you learn your blind spot, he has no power in your life anymore.
This is such an LA, Hollywood thing.
When someone gets in trouble, they cannot wait to cut the cords.
And it's ironic, because New Yorkers are mean, and they'll die for you.
They're like, get the fuck out of here, you stupid bitch.
That's a guy talking to a guy, and then he's in trouble.
Yeah, okay, I'll pay you fucking bail, but what the fuck have you done now?
No, I won't talk about it.
He has no power, and they hug you all the time.
I was talking about this in the last episode, and they tell you you're gorgeous.
Oh my God, we're gonna do all these great projects together.
And then they're full of shit.
Like when I would pitch TV shows there, they go, it sounds great, let's get started.
And I write the pilot, and I get the money for the pilot.
Hey, so when are we starting on this?
Oh, that, we can't do that.
No, we're not doing that.
Oh, so we just did all that for the garbage?
Yeah, that's Hollywood.
New York is the opposite of that.
New Yorkers are kind of like Parisians.
They're really shitty to you for the first two months, because they don't trust you, and then once you're in, alright, ride or die.
Yeah, same go- LA, like, I made a lot of friends real quick, and, uh, not none of them are hardcore.
I joined a band that lasted two days.
Really?
Yeah, just, they're flaky.
Sorry.
So anyway, he spins this bullshit web about how, I hate my friend.
I was trying to change him for eight years, going to his $50,000 parties where we had giant Nerf fights and water balloon fights with naked chicks, that I hated it, but I thought he could change.
And on my own timeline, I realized, by the way, that's me talking.
It's indistinguishable from his rant.
And then eventually I realized he's been tricking me into getting blowjobs from hot chicks all these years.
I hated the blowjobs.
I got them and as I was getting them, I was going, young lady, when you're done with this, we need to talk because I want to help.
You're a special person.
You don't need to be doing this salacious sex act.
Oh Lord!
Oh Lord have mercy!
It's like the televangelists.
So anyway, he says all this.
I don't know what Max's future holds.
He's done, dude.
And you just put the last thing of dirt on his grave.
Again, I don't know the details of the case.
I'm not saying he should or shouldn't be done.
I don't know.
This is all rumors.
Go to court if you've been sexually assaulted.
I mean, people are calling the police on everything.
Isn't that a weird dichotomy?
So, someone is a serial rapist and it's like, I didn't feel safe.
Everyone deals with manipulation in their own way.
Then, there's a rally on and someone touches someone's shoulder.
Assault!
I'm calling the cops!
We were just, on today's episode, we were talking about some guy who steals a fisherman's fish, because he's an animal rights activist, and throws it in the river.
Everyone's running to the cops.
Cops!
Cops!
Yeah.
Well, I think the guy wanted to kick his ass, but he knew he was on film.
So let me get this straight.
The cops must be called if someone touches your shoulder, because that's what I want to touch, but being raped is mommy's private time.
And you deal with that on your own.
What kind of fucking clown world are these young people pushing for?
I'd rather just do kangaroo courts, thank you very much, where I just send a tweet and then BuzzFeed turns it into a 7,000 word article and then the guy's career is flushed down the toilet.
Now, obviously I have a bias here because I've seen this happen to innocent people a million times and I talked about Cale Hartman, which this story has a lot of similarities.
Cale Hartman, Anthony Cumia, Joseph Cumia, Dov Charney, Terry Richardson.
And in every case, If the guys were saying, yeah, let's go to court, please.
I'd love to clear my name.
Kale Hartman would love to clear his name.
No, I'll just stick to innuendos.
Thanks.
Anyway, so the guy has this bullshit 10 tweet rant about how I'm actually innocent, even though I was there for 80% of the time.
And one of the accusers takes it hook, line, and sinker because they're really just looking for drama, a lot of these people.
And she says, I can't even fully process the healing of a message this thorough from a man that was once closest to him.
I'm so grateful, Brad.
I am still learning.
Thank you Can we get some grenades and rocket launchers, please?
And just aim them at an entire generation That is FBI.
That is a joke.
Please don't arrest me.
And here's another joke that really puts the AIDS and grenades.
Okay And then it says all these other beta males piling on hoping that they're not part of it Like Brian Koppelman, the showrunner for billions who definitely wants a job next year and doesn't want to be seen as anything.
He probably partied with this guy too.
So everyone who ever partied with him and took advantage of his $50,000 parties is like, I was there to see if I could help.
And he goes, Brian Koppelman goes, the Max Landis story is disturbing slash infuriating.
I've never met Max, but over the years, I've had a jokey friendly relationship with him on social media.
Brave Annie Easton and other women have made it clear Max has done monstrous things and has had many chances to show remorse, change.
Shame.
We all, in brackets men, Does that mean Jewish men if it's in brackets?
Have to get better at listening.
Picking up signals.
Being allies.
That's so true.
As Michelle Obama said to Oprah, Be better.
Be better.
Fuck you.
Hey, Oprah's dad, why don't you be better and stop raping your daughter?
Or no, Oprah's dad abandoned him.
It was, I think, her uncle that raped her.
What's that supposed to mean?
And Michelle Obama, why don't you talk about your awesome dad, who was a cripple, who wore those gimpy crutches on his forearms, and went to work for the Chicago Transit Authority every single day in the south side of Chicago, gave you a normal name, Michelle, and you ended up a very well-educated billionaire, basically.
Look at this guy.
Wow, you really sort of blow your sound effect chips all at once, huh?
Well, you open the gate?
Open the gate, Nate.
I'd heard rumors about Max, but still communicate with him and his peers about movies and TV online.
Instead of doing due diligence on the rumors, it's a form of enabling, and we all have to stop.
And then this chick, Anna Akana, who's dating, I went deep into this, so I'm now an expert on millennials.
Anna Akana was one of the first to say, he's a sexual predator, just on Twitter, which was so brave.
And then Gabe, the redhead, Brad Gage, he's the one that did that 10 tweet thing about how, I have to have shame on my own timeline.
So she goes, It is important to listen when women come forward, when they have identical, horrifying stories of abuse and rape.
When you find yourself wondering, why social media?
Why not the police?
Yeah!
That's what I'm screaming!
Wait a minute.
She just said, when you find yourself wondering, why social media?
Why not the police?
That's what you did!
Listen when they tell you exactly why.
Trauma requires healing.
Okay, people?
And most often these women just want to warn others so they don't suffer the same way.
They want to focus on their healing.
They don't want to be tied up in legal battles for several years.
Wow.
Too bad.
That's a doozy.
We just want to point blame, get the conviction, and go on with our lives.
Lady, we need to know if it's true.
You can't give a tweet this kind of authority.
No one wants to live in a society like that.
Evidence is painful, and it's really kind of like...
time to deal with like oh the courts and like filling out all these forms oh you have to remember the day it happened and be like oh you raped me then that's so boring i need to my day has to be focused on healing so what happened after that ma'am uh but rape like what are you talking what are you what are you talking about okay now go to the notes and find this is max landis because he started his career doing this really weird and irritating thing video which you can't see audio
people called wrestling is not wrestling and And it's a story, just pause, maybe go back to the beginning, but remember that timestamp.
It's the history of some wrestling character he's focused on.
Now obviously this is a bored rich kid, so his level of education is just watching wrestling because daddy lets him do whatever he wants.
So it's time to make a movie.
He just steals drunk history, but without the drunk part.
And he tells a story of a wrestler and his career and his storyline, right?
His own timeline of shame.
And he adds, he has these super hot chicks act it out.
And one of them is the big-titted girl from those Switch to Mobile cell phone commercials.
And the other is Anna Akana, the one who just said, don't go to the police.
So she was part of this entourage where all these hot chicks surrounded him, appeared in his movies, appeared in his little video shorts, went to his parties, and then said, I was at the party before I realized that he was manipulative.
Oh, really?
How long did that take?
We would party with him for about six years.
Like, he had an entourage called the Color Group or something, or the Color Package.
Anyway, show this movie.
Here it comes.
- More real than any other TV show.
WWE Raw features live death-defying stunts performed in front of an audience of thousands every week.
People who feel the need to tell you that wrestling isn't real clearly don't watch wrestling because the show features an undead wizard, leprechauns, an evil group of male cheerleaders.
This show does not pretend to be an athletic competition.
Instead, it's a TV show about a wrestling show.
It has more in common with Game of Thrones than it does with UFC. - By the way, just pause it.
His hair is covering his ears there, which I recommend if you have the ears he has.
His ears make me question plastic surgery.
He can hear things from around the world.
It must be a nightmare.
He can probably hear this.
Yeah, I heard he used that joke on our show.
People whisper in front of him and he's like, don't bother.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
It's funny he's wearing a Motorhead t-shirt in that video because they are the loudest band in the history of rock and roll and he must sit at the next county with pillows on his head to hear their concerts.
Jesus Lord those things are insane!
Is he like trying to own it by having short hair?
He can't ride a motorbike without a helmet or he's gonna go two miles an hour.
There's sales!
Anyway, um, then he has, so then later on in the video, so skip ahead now to the old timestamp.
It's his narration, but with like a hundred hot chicks.
The budget on this silly little video short looks like it was about, honestly, $200,000.
Now go back to the old timestamp.
a Saturday morning cartoon.
Now go back to the old timestamp.
It was 209.
Okay, see those hot chicks that are dressed like strippers?
One of them is Anna Akana.
And they're supposed to be male wrestlers.
Turn it up.
So while he's saying that, they have girls lip syncing his voice.
- Triple H is a lower level guy, Shawn Michaels is a higher level guy, Shawn Michaels is like, "My hair, oh my god, Triple H, my hair," and then Triple H is like, "My hair too, I'm pretty, I could be pretty." Now at this point, wrestling is basically like-- - So while he's saying that, they have girls lip syncing his voice, which is what they do in Drunk History.
Hey, millennials, can you get your own ideas, please?
Drunk History, this was 2014.
Drunk History had been around before it was on TV, on Comedy Central.
It was on Funny or Die.
I think that was around 2009.
I remember talking to Derek Waters about Drunk History.
We were both Windy City Heat fans.
So I'm watching this and it's clear that the guy was just pouring money on people in Hollywood, young peers in Hollywood.
Guess what happens when you do that?
You end up with an entourage of super hot chicks.
Guess what happens when you do that?
You start abusing your power.
Unless you're a really awesome dude.
Like, I don't think I would abuse my power.
I'd be cool.
Well, I guess I did have that with Vice, right?
There was chicks everywhere.
I was cool.
And by cool, I mean I didn't rape.
I wasn't a me too-er.
Oh, Seth Green and Macaulay Culkin.
Oh, they're in this?
Yep, they are.
So is Jamie Whatever's Face and Adam Savage.
Oh, so he was like the in-crowd guy who would shell out money and he was the guy to be with.
Yeah.
And then he got drunk with power, started hitting food out of fat chicks' hands.
Like, one of the things he's being accused of is he told a woman that she was a girlfriend, that she was fat all the time, and she had an eating disorder.
Yeah, that's not illegal.
That's shitty.
Like, half of the accusations are just... It's called a shitty guy.
Stop hanging around with him.
And I bet...
That none of it could hold a candle to the life of, say, Motley Crue.
So these are groupies, Motley Crue groupies, who have decided, yeah, I didn't like having to blow Vince Neil after every show.
That's an element of what's going on here, I will say.
I don't want to say that's everything that's going on here.
But I remember Fred Armisen was in big shit about five years ago because he kept screwing girls.
That's it.
Not manipulation, none of that.
But it said, Fred Armisen is getting a reputation.
And you're reading it going, what happened?
Yeah, he just uses these girls for sex and he, you know, then there's another girlfriend next week and you go, so your beef is that he's not marrying the first one?
I don't understand.
What's the problem here?
He's getting laid too much?
Yeah, he had Portlandia.
He was on SNL.
He was also a wildly successful musician who played with all his favorites, like everyone from the Sex Pistols, everyone from The Clash.
He played with them, making comedy sketches with them.
He had a series on HBO that mocked documentaries.
Like, he's one of the most successful comedians of all time as an alternative kind of a comedian, you know?
Like, Adam Sandler's successful, but he has mainstream stuff.
All of Fred's shit is esoteric, and it was all a smash hit.
I'm sorry the guy got intensely laid.
What do you want him to do, not be laid?
And I talked to him about it actually and then we were saying well I'll say I was saying um this is the same as Motley Crue and Motley Crue they just went it was groupies like Pamela Barr I think her name was wrote a book called I'm With The Band and it was about how awesome it was to be a groupie and meanwhile she's just being manipulated by fucking rock stars.
So it sounds like this guy was a rock star who over-manipulated.
But anyway, one of the tangents I got on was how shitty this guy's shit is.
Like how terrible that mini-doc is.
You can look up on your own.
Wrestling isn't wrestling.
It's so crappy and half-assed and it just looks like indulgent rich kids fucking around making a piece of shit of a video short.
And then I look up Brad Gage, who was dating Anna Akana, and he had his own show.
Ready for this original idea?
It's called Drunk Driving with Brad Gage, and he picks up people who are drunk and drives them home.
And Anna Akana is one of his guests!
And you ready for even more half-assedness?
Uh, they're not drunk.
He's lying.
This woman, Anna Akana, is clearly, she's Asian, right?
So, you know, it doesn't take much to get her red-cheeked.
And she's so not drunk.
Let's play some of the audio.
You can see the video at freespeech.tv.
Strawberry what?
Meals.
Meals?
Like the camel.
Meals.
They're not like camels.
They're like the donkey.
Like the mule.
I'm a drunk chick.
I didn't drink for a long time because I was like one of those dare kids.
Like I got offered alcohol a lot and I was like I'm not gonna let my parents down.
I'm not gonna let my friends down.
You were like a really good kid and you were super, you were into dare?
It worked on you?
I wasn't like into dare.
Like why not just get drunk for this?
How lazy are you?
No, I'll just act drunk.
I'm a really good actor.
What if she was drinking, then she just did ketamine?
That kind of explains the behavior.
She's way too articulate, too, for a drunk.
They repeat themselves.
Turn it up.
How is this a show, too?
That's the first time I heard that.
You had a revelation.
Yeah, because we saw a dog.
And I was like, we had, I remember it was Malibu rum.
And we were drinking it in the car.
Anyway, you can hear how unbelievably dull that is.
Me and my girlfriend go on a drive, and my girlfriend pretends to be drunk.
Yeah.
How many views does it have?
67,000.
And it's drunk history again.
Derek Waters has one great idea that he does.
By the way, he kind of ruined that show towards the last couple seasons where it became all about political correctness and making it all about women and
Incredible women in history and making black dudes all these white dudes so now we have black dudes in American history because it's important to have multiculturalism even if it's a lie about 1810 and it just got tedious and it was you know hammering you over the head with all this social justice and he kind of ruined his show actually towards the end I got tired of it but it in the in the beginning it was a brilliant show
Um, but it's possible Max Landis, he made all those wrestlers in his story hot chicks because he wanted to bone them.
But I bet it was under the auspices of political correctness.
And let's shake things up.
Why can't we have women playing male wrestlers?
Why not?
Especially when we do the funny drunk history lip sync thing.
And then I'm looking, I'm sorry to get so in depth in this, but Ryan was getting a root canal and I had like five hours to kill at the studio.
Just a wisdom tooth removal.
So Anna Akana, she reckons herself a musician now, her music is terrible, but she writes a love song and then when they do the video they go, you know what, let's make it chicks.
So now they're politically correctly changing the story and making it two chicks.
And you can tell these two chicks are part of the Max Landis entourage.
But she's not a lesbian.
So she's trying to rock our world by making a love song that involves two chicks.
But she's not a lesbian.
And this, again, is what happens with affirmative action and political correctness.
So it's not appealing to straight people, but it's also not appealing to lesbians.
Because they go, no, that's not really what we do.
You got us wrong.
And so it's appealing to zero people.
And it's a shitty song.
But let's listen to that for a second and you folks at home can see it.
I say, hey baby, don't you worry.
This is who's deciding whose careers are ruined or not.
I don't think she can play the guitar.
Just pause for a sec.
- I'm okay, yeah. - I don't think she can play the guitar.
Just pause for a sec. - Can you hear the latent megalomania that all millennials seem to have in that song?
Like the way she sings, the beat, everything just screams me, me, me, me, me.
Don't you think?
Like she's not trying.
So therefore, I don't need to try.
I'm so fucking beautiful that I can just sit here and you can look at me.
And she's not, by the way.
And just me exist- Well, you don't like Asian.
No, but she's- I could- She's gross.
She's not gross, dude.
She is gross.
What do you think she is?
I think she's a four point something.
You're an imbecile.
Dude, look at her.
She looks like a skeleton chick.
Big fucking nose.
No lips.
Alien head.
She is 7.4 is the lowest I would ever go.
Look at her side profile.
Pathetic.
Pathetic?
Shut up.
Look at this.
Meanwhile, you dress like a freggle.
You stand behind that?
You have bangs in your eyes like the dog from Scooby-Doo.
That is an Ecuadorian.
That looks like a lost mummified skull.
The dog from Scooby-Doo.
What about the white chick?
What do you think she is?
What do you think the white chick is?
Um, way more than her.
Okay, give me a number.
I'd say they're both 7.4s.
That is not true.
They're about seven apart.
Seven apart?
They're about seven apart.
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All right, shall we get into the mail?
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
I wonder if your biological dad ever found out about all this.
He'd probably be surprised.
He'd go, wow, you keep mentioning that I was not around.
That was the deal.
He's French.
Has he ever said, Ryan, maybe I should have stuck around a little bit.
No, but he says he's like he'll tell people about me and like like he's a very cool like he does a cool thing.
He's crazy.
Didn't he hit on your girlfriend once?
She met him and she was saying about he was talking about her nails.
Oh, very pretty and crazy nails.
And she's like, Yeah, Ryan likes when I scratch him.
He's like, Oh, yeah, Ryan's crazy.
And she's like, How long has he been here for 40 years?
Can you do better than crazy?
And how about he gets that accent a little more anglicized?
Yeah.
So crazy.
Something like that.
That's how he talks.
Something.
Something like that.
Again, if I lived in Japan for five years, I would speak perfect Japanese with no accent.
I learned French in about a year in Montreal and had it pretty much down about five years in.
If I go to France or Quebec, I can listen to the radio, watch TV, all in French.
It's not that hard.
You have to try, immigrants.
Try!
It's almost harder to speak a different language without doing the accent.
Like, I'm learning German, and if it was like... I can't even, like, do it English.
You gotta speak German.
Let's hear your German accent.
What'd you just say?
Uh, could you say that more slowly?
Hmm.
Yeah.
This is from an Arab.
Amjad Abu Salim.
Bless you.
Gavin, I really do not like proverbs, but I just read an Arabic proverb that I thought you would appreciate.
Do not kill your country's lions to let your enemy's dogs eat you.
The West is getting rid of its lions and it's such a shame because you've had some badass lions.
Thank you, Amjad.
That's a great point.
Although, maybe they don't translate well, but Arabic sayings never really have the same punch as English sayings, you know?
That's no, a stitch in time saves nine.
Or remember that there was a Sikh cab driver that said to me once, I go, it's funny how people think Sikhs and Muslims are the same thing when Muslims killed about a million of you.
Or maybe it was they've killed a million Hindus.
They killed a lot.
And, uh, what are you doing?
I'm preparing for a...
To thank the people... You're preparing to do a free plug after we just showed our podcaster that pays good money to be a sponsor of the show, you fucking dumbass?
Well, they sent it to me.
So?
You don't just put up stuff for free, we're still working out what the cost of that sponsorship is.
I'm not gonna tell you who sent the coffee, but when they pay, we'll tell them.
You can either pay a normal amount of money for a sponsorship on this show, or just give Ryan free shit and he'll run and go, there it is!
There's coffee out there.
You don't have a dad or a brain.
Um, yeah, and the Sikh said, Oh, the Muslim experience is, is, no one understands.
Let me tell you about Muslims, my friend.
You take your arm, you dip it into a barrel of oil, and then you spray it with sesame seeds, cover the arm with sesame seeds.
That is how many times a Muslim lies in one day.
I'm like, you gotta tighten that little saying.
It takes me about an hour.
How long do I gotta sit there with sesame seeds making your thing come true?
I like the sentiment, I guess.
Nick Hizella.
Greetings, G-Dog.
My beloved father has a pair of baby fucking blue Converse.
Fuck!
But wait, it gets worse.
My darling mother also has a pair matching baby blue Converse on a couple who are well into their 60s.
That is not acceptable.
Baby blue?
When are baby blue Converse acceptable?
I think only on women and only women under six.
So I guess girls is the word?
I think we can all agree this is a close third after the Holocaust and slavery for crimes against humanity.
That's a very offensive analogy, sir, as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez just learned.
Is it millennial-splaining if I give them your advice on how to dress their age?
Yeah, you just walk up to both your parents and go, what are those?
Also, congrats on the new site, just signed up, looking forward to all the new content.
Well, you can see now your letter on video as opposed to just audio.
Please, can you ask your web developers to make it so that it remembers a timestamp where you were on a video like YouTube does?
Yes, we will get on that.
We're currently developing the app.
Lots to come down the pipeline.
And then he says, I like your new website!
And he asks that that is read to the tune of, I like your new sunglasses.
This reminds me of a letter we got recently about a chick who's having a lot of trouble dating.
She begged and pleaded to remain anonymous, but fuck that.
We're gonna say her name and show her picture.
Just kidding.
But I had to see a picture of her in order to gauge How pretty she is.
And she's a blonde chick.
I would say she's an eight.
Uh, Ryan, I'm going to forward you a picture of her, right?
Sure.
Sure.
Now don't put the picture up on the site, but find someone who is similar.
And luckily she's not Asian.
So I know you're going to give a fair number.
Okay.
I consider it to be, well, I said eight cause you always go high when you're talking to girls, but she's definitely above 7.5.
Okay.
So find someone similar and then we'll put that picture up.
All right.
Here's her letter.
Dear Gavin and Ryan, I hardly get asked out and the last couple of times this is what happened.
Now I'm already pissed off that this 7.5 to 8.5, let's call her an 8, doesn't get hit on.
This is porn dudes.
Young men.
are so busy on Twitter disavowing their friends and being pussies and then jerking off to a computer that they're not getting out there.
I used to, you remember Patrice, not Patrice O'Neill, Dante Nero?
You got to throw five bricks a day, right?
Five of them?
I'm not letting you get away with that.
Five Bicks a day.
Sorry Bicks, I used up my R in the Frive.
I'm out of R's.
You use five hours a day and apparently that's your sixth.
Five bricks a day, Dante Nero says, because he has a nephew who just cannot get laid.
And the five bricks are just talking to girls.
Hey man, I like your dress.
Good morning.
Anything.
Anything.
Not like, nice fucking ass.
Hey, I wish I was that bike seat.
Normal shit.
Like, you look great.
Wow.
That's good.
No, that's cat calling.
No, it's not.
Fuck that.
Cat calling.
Half the cat calling these Puerto Ricans do in the hood is like, God bless you, baby.
You look beautiful.
Ooh, let's prevent them from saying that.
Anyway, so I'm already pissed off.
You see her?
Yep.
I'm looking for a... What do you do?
You could take that image and put it in Google Images and then see what else comes up.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Reverse image search it.
Yeah.
All right.
I was recently dating a guy for a couple months.
This is that same girl.
Everything was going great.
I really liked him until one day he asked me if he could, if I would ever hook up with a girl.
Common question.
I'm fine with it.
The answer is no.
Cause I'm attracted to men.
Too bad.
Uh, anyway, he told me that he actually hooked up with a transvestite a couple of weeks before we went on our first date.
What?
He went through an app to set it up.
Pardonnez-moi?
He wanted to make sure he wasn't gay, she puts in quotes, and sought this person via online.
He ended up being totally addicted to porn and stayed up for days playing the new video game, Kerbal.
I don't know what that means.
Do you?
No.
K-E-R-B-A-L.
He was a really nice guy, but I had to draw the line somewhere.
We aren't dating anymore.
And the whole thing, the whole hooking up with a dude thing really made me feel like I needed to have a vagina and a penis for this guy.
And that I don't have.
Yeah, ladies, the second a guy says he likes being pegged or... Oh, so it's not a sex game?
No.
Kerbal?
It's a no sex game.
All video games are no sex games.
Hey, adult males, please stop playing video games.
They are for little kids.
And please stop talking about Star Wars and superhero movies.
They are for little kids.
What am I, 10?
What am I, five?
Why am I playing video games?
The only adult thing you do is beat off, and you should stop doing that too.
Alright, this is where it gets good.
A couple months before that, I was on Bumble for literally a couple days until this happened.
There was a guy that I thought was hot, and part of it was his profile, which showed his 67 Mustang.
He was a marine, had a beard, nice eyes, and cut, strong arms, etc.
Nice eyes.
I love the way women talk about dudes.
No dude has ever said, she's fucking, she's got the most nice eyes.
I was going to do that as a sketch once, where guys are talking about chicks the way chicks talk about chicks.
Like, dude, she walks in, mile-high cheekbones, fucking runway model looks, totally flaxen hair, perky breasts.
In a fashion sense, that is fashion forward.
I'd say this, she looks like Jennifer Lawrence, kind of.
No, that's way too high, you stupid piece of shit.
The most beautiful woman in the world who makes millions and millions of dollars just because she's pretty?
See, I think people are getting pretty confused with no flaws.
Like she doesn't have any notable flaws.
No, she's remarkably attractive.
Back to the drawing board.
Did you do the Google image thing I said?
Yeah.
And it was terrible.
Just awful.
It was not good.
So just complete a task for once, please.
You want me to do it?
Cause it's, it's not good.
Just find someone who looks like her.
How is that so hard?
Jennifer Lawrence.
Also, can you find someone who boxes like me?
I found someone.
Deontay Welder.
That's about you.
You know, six foot seven.
Bricks in his gloves.
Anyway, we go on this date and meet at this nice restaurant in La Jolla, California.
He's handsome, tall, but has a lispy voice.
I think that's a deal breaker.
We start talking and he's ordering me drinks because couldn't you fix that?
Like Ben Shapiro has that horrible squeak and I've told him a million times, you need to drink a bottle of whiskey and scream into a pillow for an hour.
Why'd you get buttfucked?
No.
Scream into the pillow for an hour and then smoke a cigar.
So at least it could be like this.
That'd be a little better.
Like Alex Jones has kind of a nasally voice, but it's still kind of deep at the same time.
All right.
That might do.
She kind of looks like Amanda Bynes.
Do you want to show the picture?
Yeah, that's basically what we're dealing with.
This Amanda Bynes is a little prettier than the girl we're talking about.
But yeah, that's about right.
So take that down one notch.
Oh, good.
So Amanda Bynes is fat and ugly now.
So this woman looks in between Amanda Bynes hot and Amanda Bynes fat and ugly.
She's somewhere in between the two Amanda Bynes.
Tale of two binds.
We start talking and he's ordering me drinks before I can even finish my first one.
I literally have two drinks lined up while I'm still drinking my first.
We're talking about work and school, blah, blah, blah.
And then he drops a bomb.
He literally says with a condescending smile, So, what do you think of Trump?
I say, excuse me?
I'm completely taken aback.
And the way he asked this question led me to believe he had been building up to this one moment.
How can Marines not like Trump?
And we're getting to that.
I cannot make this shit up.
Why are politics in my dating life?
I literally sat there for three hours with this guy talking about politics while he asked me where I get my sources and that I'm brainwashed.
I felt responsible to at least give this guy a different perspective.
He was a total lefty.
How can you be a lefty and a Marine at the same time?
I've heard of this quite a few times.
I've heard of cops.
...who are liberals.
It just confuses me.
I know of, and I've met, I don't know them, at least two cops who hate cops.
Isn't that bizarre?
Yeah.
One of them is a black dude who I think it just got so sick of defending his profession that he's like, look man, it's a job.
They fucking suck.
You're right.
Like that.
He just, he just got broken down.
And the other dude, he fucked up his back in the eighties.
So maybe it was a different time back then, but he's like, no, you can't fucking trust them.
They'll fucking net.
You got to watch your back.
Even at the station house, they'll fucking rob shit from your locker.
Fucking cops.
He still works with cops and helps rookies and stuff.
Sounds like he got hazed and took it personally, so now he's like, yeah, I am a cop, but fuck cops.
You know?
Yeah.
My cop friends told me that the top brass is investigating who, what cops I know.
He says he's friends with a lot of cops.
Does anyone know who these cops are?
Losers.
Yeah.
They care about that?
But, like, can you investigate jihad, please?
Why are you investigating a drunk who makes stupid fart jokes?
Because he's a leader of a hate group.
No, you banned me from that.
The FBI prevented me.
You put my friends in cages for saying that I knew them.
Alright, well, he still probably knows some.
He knows a cop.
Probably gonna bring rocket launches to some sort of talk.
Yeah.
Your reality is a shitty action movie.
Time to recalibrate your truths.
When, if what you say were to play out, people would stop watching it because it's a shitty movie.
Like that one I rented the other day where these guys rob Fort Knox during a hurricane and guess who stops them?
They're all ex-Marines.
Some skinny bitch with long blonde hair saves the day.
Anyway, I'm getting a cool voice with all this talking today.
At this point the people in the bar can see what's going on.
So I don't want to end the convo abruptly because now I feel like I'm trying to be a good example.
I don't know what that means like for as a Trump supporter.
He's drunk now, by the way.
I am chilling.
This isn't my first rodeo.
Oh, and mid-debate slash conversation, he keeps asking me to come back to his place so I can meet his amazing cat.
Oof.
Like more than once, because he is missing the cat throughout the night.
Yes, his cat.
What's it like?
We always talk about how hard it is for young men in this day and age, but being a young woman must be fucking rough.
And when I say young woman, I mean young sane woman who is a good person and is slightly patriotic.
I'm 29, doing prerequisites for nursing school, real estate agent, and notary.
I'm blonde 5'5 and I am not fat.
But I guess I could lose 15 pounds?
I work out though.
Anyway, I'm trying to make the point that I am probably a 6-8 depending on the guy and the day.
But whatever.
I don't know where the men are at, so I am burying myself in school and work to stay busy.
That's not a good idea, lady.
Don't give up.
Never stop fighting.
Recently I've become infatuated with the idea of getting my M1 license and just riding solo.
What's an M1 license?
A motorcycle license?
Is this a mid-life 30s crisis?
Lady, you are at the danger zone.
What is she, 29?
This is it.
This is it.
You gotta get serious.
All right, here's what you gotta do.
Start wearing heels a lot.
At least three to four days a week, you have to wear heels.
I don't care how uncomfortable they are.
I don't wanna hear shit about that.
If they're really hurting your feet, take them off when you sit down under the table where no one can see.
You need to start dressing up and you need to stop giving anyone the time of day who sucks.
Someone says they fucked a tranny, buh-bye.
Someone says they love—oh, that looked like a Z Kyle.
Someone says they miss their cat, buh-bye.
Hear a lisp, buh-bye.
Boom, boom, boom.
Speed dating is what you need now.
Here's my other advice.
Immigrants.
I know, coming from a crazy dude.
Immigrants who are on your same wavelength, are dedicated, tenacious, they managed to get here.
Canadians, Australians and Brits particularly make great boyfriends because these guys busted their ass to get down to America and they're going to be hustling.
What you're looking for in a man, ladies, is ambition, not necessarily success.
If a guy gets up at 9 a.m.
on a Monday and he has some dumb pursuit like DJ or photographer or he wants to be a movie director like Max Landis, those are all ridiculous, retarded pursuits.
But if he's busting his ass all the time at them, he'll make money and that's what you want.
Not money.
You want drive.
If a guy's playing video games all night, like Kerbal, Then dump his ass.
Stop wasting your time.
The hourglass turns upside down from 30 to 35.
You were one year away from the ovary sands going through the hourglass.
You should be getting married now.
Anyway, that's all the time we have for today.
I'd like to thank our new sponsor, bluechew.com, and welcome to a new show on freespeech.tv, which is the GML podcast vidcast, where you can actually see Ryan and I riffing and see some of the videos that we're talking about on the show.
I like you more than a friend.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Don't use music we can't use!
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