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May 16, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
49:05
#140 | Lets talk about bachelor parties

Getting into what bachelor parties are all about. Why certain things having to do with sexuality are bad, and why some are harmless. Then we take a look into the mail bag.

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Time Text
Let's talk about bachelor parties.
I was in the car listening to Sirius XM's comedy, rude comedy channel, Raw Dawg.
I don't know about that name, dude.
It makes you think of someone getting fucked up the butt really hard with no lube.
It's not very funny.
Like even Raunch King or like...
Rude business or the naughty hour or something, but raw dog.
Yeah, I fucked a raw dog.
Okay.
Simmer down.
But I thought, yeah, that's a good topic.
It's, it's this show.
I forget the name of it.
Sorry.
I'm plagiarizing and not giving credit where credit is due, but it's a show where this guy gets like four or five comedians together, I think on stage and they do a podcast based on one subject and they don't stray from the subject.
Cute idea.
Fun stuff.
I'm stealing it.
Um, And I think it's an interesting subject, because it changes over time.
When you're in your early 20s and you're at a bachelor party, you could kill a midget, you could get AIDS, and no one cares.
But then you get older, you get to be a father, and there's different rules.
This is big with strip clubs.
They're related.
I could go to a strip club any time I want.
I don't go since my daughter was born, because I can't stop thinking about their dad.
But, uh, I don't, I don't see strip clubs as sexist or that sexual.
It's not like you have a raging boner when you're in a strip club.
You're more just appreciating women.
Some guys don't get it too.
Some guys go, I hate fucking eight circles.
I just get too horny and you can't do anything.
No, it's sort of like being a bum and looking in the restaurant window and seeing people eat gourmet food.
And you're just like, man, that looks great.
I mean, I guess in that analogy, you'd be drooling and you'd want to eat the food, but... At a strip club, you don't necessarily even want to fuck her.
You're just like, all men have this instinctual thing, this carrot on a stick, where you're constantly thinking about sex.
And sometimes you can use it in non-sexual ways.
Like sometimes if I'm doing a lot of interviews or something and I need a boost, I'll just put on, I'll watch Red Tube for a second, even though we're against porn.
But just because it's sort of, it's almost like smelling salts.
You just like see a bunch of naked people doing it and you're like... And then you get back to the interviews.
But I don't have a boner at the time.
I'm just like, oh yeah, there's that part of me.
It's just like if you were a fat pig, and you're obsessed with Haagen-Dazs, and you had to, you know, go do something you didn't want to do.
You just stared at the Haagen-Dazs logo.
In fact, I'm thinking... Someone taught me a trick at the boxing gym.
Pretend they hurt your kids.
I think I want to get my... Who's your guy?
Your cut man?
The guy that's in the corner?
I think I'm going to print out a picture of my three kids and have it in my corner when I'm sparring so I can look at them and pretend that the guy hurt my kids because it works.
And it's not the first time I heard it.
I remember a Muay Thai guy telling me that when I look at my opponent, I think he's trying to take food out of my kid's mouth and it makes me fight better.
And he kind of is.
Cause if you win this fight, you make more money and you become a more successful fighter.
And if he, if you lose, then you're going down a different path where you won't have as much money for your kids to feed them.
It's like the Jehovah's Witness.
I've told you the story before, but he said, in our heaven, it's just like earth.
We're 23 years old and there's no conflict.
So you can just hang out with a lion or whatever.
And I said, is there boxing?
And he goes, not if there's animosity.
Well, you just stripped it of a major force.
Guys will not be friendly to each other before they fight.
They, they hate each other's guts.
Once the fight's over, you can, you guys can be roommates.
But they play a lot of mind tricks, and that's what a strip club is.
You're just like, oh yeah, tits.
I was obsessed with tits my whole life.
Man, I've had some crazy tits in my day.
It's almost like you're flipping through a photo album of all the lades you've ever had.
And you're not flipping through it beating off, you're flipping through it like, oh yeah, that black chick I went out with.
Oh yeah, that one with the little boobs.
I remember I was a little boobs guy for a while.
Those were some crazy times.
Oh yeah, there was the fat ass girl that went on for a while.
Wonder what she's doing right now.
Oh, then there was the no ass.
Yeah, Jackie.
Zero ass.
I didn't mind though.
I just took an ass break.
You know, you see it up close and personal.
And in Montreal strip clubs, they do total nudity.
So a woman, a guy will be drinking a beer and a woman will have her anus in his face.
And he's not like, oh yeah, oh yeah, give me some of that, yeah, yeah.
He's just like, what a masterpiece, God.
It's, I call it lady church.
In a way, it's a kind of a very feminist place, believe it or not.
Even though a lot of the women are sad coke addicts with a kid at home and no future.
But, It's not sexist.
A buddy of mine, on his birthday, his guys at work took him to a strip club and he was in the doghouse for four months.
And the wife's big fear was, did you have a lap dance?
I think he had young, his two girls, I think they were young at the time, like let's say three and five or something.
Um, But that doesn't make any sense to me.
He wasn't at an orgy.
Sometimes when women get mad at men it pisses me off.
Like I would go on business trips with my buddy Sebastian I had the ad agency with and his wife would be all pissed at him.
Where the fuck- You're gonna be there for three days?
I almost wanted to grab the phone and go, bitch, we're on a business trip.
This isn't fun.
Neither of us want to be here.
We're having dinner with douchebags at night, pretending we like them.
We can't joke around.
And it's not a fun riff because you can't say, look at you, you fat pig, because the way you would with your friends, because you're trying to get money off this dude.
So it's not an enjoyable riff session and then the day you're pitching all day.
Hey, we want to do this show.
This is how it's going to look.
Hey, we want to do a movie.
Here's how it'll be.
We're going to save money here and you're going to get your money back.
That's not fun.
That's fucking exhausting.
I'm not a sales guy either.
Sales guys, sales guys are like boxers.
They just can take hits all day.
And go, oh well, no one said yes.
For me, every no is like, I want to strangle the guy.
Fuck you.
We worked hard on this pitch, you dick.
Say yes.
My dad said that too.
He said, when I started my own company, I had a real problem with it because they're saying no to something I created with my heart and soul.
In fact, the company was named GOML.
Which, oh sorry, GLK, no, yeah, Gavin, Lorraine, Kyle, his two sons and his wife.
So they're just like, no, GLK sucks, and that would fucking drive him nuts, because it was his heart and soul.
I feel the same way, I'm way too emotional to do sales.
But yeah, do you think he should have gotten in trouble for going to a strip club?
Her thing was, did you get a lap dance?
Lap dance is kind of a joke.
I don't even think you get a boner from a lapdance.
You're not allowed to touch them.
So they just rub their buns on your leg and, and you really, it's almost like hunting in the sense that I think a lot of hunters, one of the things they like about the sport, and it is a sport, is you shoot the thing and then you get to go up and have a real good hard look at a giant moose.
You know, you're curious about mooses when you see them in the, in the forest.
And there's one right in your face.
That's what a strip club is.
You think about boobs and butts and buttholes and vaginas all day.
And here you are looking at one in the wild, up close and personal.
And you're like, these are the things that have been tormenting me since I was 14.
This is the thing that's been floating above my head 24 hours a day.
Dude, you can be working on a construction site moving cement around, and it'll sort of look like a pair of tits for a second, and you'll go, well, that cement looks like a nice pair of fucking tits, man.
Ooh, those two oranges right next to each other look like a bubble butt.
It's a curse, and one of the best things about being 48 is it's died down considerably.
I do not miss Adolescence.
I don't miss praying to the Lord in heaven above to be less horny.
I think you'd beat off like five times a day back then.
Boy, God wanted us to make a lot of babies, didn't he?
If you fucked your wife five times a day, all your kids would be exactly nine months apart.
And you'd have 80 of them.
Irish twins, I believe they're called.
So, yeah, lap dances, strip clubs, or nothing.
So, that's what I love about bachelor parties.
Now, bachelor parties are kind of different.
And I haven't been to that many.
Mine was kind of not normal.
Mine, I invited everybody I've ever had.
So, dudes from high school.
All the way up till now, a lot of Vice employees, which is regrettable because I look at my wedding pictures now and I hate half the people in them.
But they weren't really there for the bachelor party.
David Cho, Ben Cho, Derek Beckles, all the Austin guys.
You don't know my life, so I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
But the plan was, let's get shithammered.
Like four days.
My plan was to make everyone so drunk that they're hungover the fifth day, the day of the wedding.
Or maybe it was the fourth day.
And they'd be too hungover to get wasted and I wouldn't have any embarrassing scenes.
Of course, I forgot about Adderall.
And there was plenty of embarrassing scenes at the wedding.
And I heard later there was a motto at the wedding and it was, Adderall up and what do you got?
A great wedding.
So, I had zero chicks.
I don't know why.
I just didn't want to do that.
But I totally support having chicks at a bachelor party.
I'll get to that in a second.
Yeah, our bachelor party we just did tons of, we allegedly did tons of drugs and just drank.
There was barely any food and we almost got kicked out of it.
It was a big hunting lodge we were at.
It was pretty insane and super fun, and it was kind of my big last hurrah, you know?
So you might as well get super tarnished.
And the kind of inside jokes and riffing, there's these two guys, Blake and Andrew Geddes, really short guys, and they would get so wasted every night they'd pee themselves, and they dressed up like pirates for most of the time, so we were calling them the Pirates of Pisspants, and putting them in the pizza ovens because they could fit.
Oh man.
Lots of people couldn't hang too.
Some of my older buddies just had to peace out.
It's very intense drinking that much.
Anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about.
I wanted to talk about the ones with chicks in them.
So I was thinking of this one bachelor party where my buddy, he didn't really want one, you know those kind of guys?
Comedians tend not to have bachelor parties because they're sexist.
So I just went to the Village Voice and called a bachelor party place, which is the smartest thing you could possibly do.
Sometimes, go mainstream.
You know, like when you Google something?
And there's the paid advertisement.
Click on that.
Those guys care enough to pay for their ad to be at the top.
They are determined.
So, you just get... I got some guy.
It's New York City, right?
So he's kind of sketchy and he's got a limo.
Here are the girls.
I think he sent me pictures or maybe I didn't.
Maybe I just took his word for it.
But they were smoking fucking hot.
And what he does, his scam, and there's always a hustle in New York.
Always.
All you can do is ask what it is in advance and make sure you're okay with it.
So this hustle was, he knew all the guys, sorry, all the bars we were going to visit, and they took a cut.
So we And that's fine, we didn't care what bars we went to, whatever, it's New York.
So these girls were driving around and they were totally naked and they were horsing around with each other, getting freaky.
And at one point you saw there was like four phones on them, pointed at them with the lights on.
They said, hey, hey, no video, no video!
And in every case, they were using their phone flashlight.
And that kind of sums up what I was saying about the strip clubs earlier.
It was just like seeing something in the wild and drinking it in with your eyes.
It wasn't predatory.
It wasn't exploitative.
It was just curious.
By the way, can we stop with the fucking crocodile tears every time someone shoots a crocodile?
When you see this guy who shot a lion or an elephant, Oh no, fuck you!
Like, all my friends, people I respect, Anthony Cumia, Jim Norton, Ricky Gervais, this guy needs to be fucking killed.
Oh, relax.
First of all, it's an animal.
I think, I think I'm just gonna write in the sky all the basic truths that people don't seem to understand.
You want to lose weight?
Burn more calories than you take in.
Also, animals are animals.
That guy from Teen Moms shot his pug!
Just because his pug bit his daughter!
Yeah, that's what you do when your dog bites your kid, dumbass.
What are you gonna do?
Send it to biting rehabilitation?
Sorry, kid.
You fucked up.
There's no bad dogs, just bad owners.
Okay, fine.
Um... Those guys who hunt Wild Game are the best thing that ever happened to Wild Game.
I know it's counterintuitive, folks, but that's life.
As the guy who started Greenpeace, Patrick, what's his name, Canadian dude, said, if you want more trees and more forests, buy more lumber, make it economically viable, and people will grow more trees.
Before you had big game hunting in that shithole called Zimbabwe, There was carcasses on every dirt road.
And seeing an elephant that's been starved to death is a weird sight.
It just looks like a pile of leather.
And lions were dying.
They had no prey.
Mugabe, the retarded dictator of Zimbabwe, who is my favorite despot of all time.
Sorry Idi Amin.
Sorry guy who cuts open pregnant woman and makes men eat their flip-flops at gunpoint.
I love you!
He calls himself the King of Scotland and wears a kilt.
And I'm sorry to General Butt Naked in Liberia, who thinks he's impervious to bullets when he's naked.
You guys are great, but you're no Mugabe.
He wears a suit with a textile he invented that's just his face all over it.
He has a Hitler mustache.
For his dinner, he will have a 400-year-old turtle and a fucking lion.
He's the worst guy in the world.
And I love him.
And if there's one criticism, my biggest criticism of Mugabe besides obviously the rampant slaughter and genocide of his own people, my biggest beef is there's no merch.
Dude, I want a Mugabe t-shirt.
I want that blazer you have with your Mugabe logo and your face all over it and your stupid mustache.
I want a Mugabe bobblehead.
A Mugabel head.
But there's nothing!
And I have a friend who has, my lawyer, one of my lawyers, she has a maid who's Zimbabwean, and I'm like, get that bitch on the phone with me.
I need her.
Next time, I'm gonna buy her a giant trunk.
Next time she goes home, I want her to fill it with Mugabe shit.
I asked her, she said there is none.
Now fuck you!
Um, so then Mugabe was- You know how much a burger is in Mugabe's Zimbabwe?
It's 14 million Zimbabwean dollars.
So is a long-distance call.
They literally wipe their ass with the money there because it's so fucking useless.
There's some merch I'd like to get!
A Zimbabwean million dollar bill.
That's a perfect example of Mugabe's incompetence, but anyway.
So someone explains to him that if you privatize hunting, it will be a boon to the wildlife.
And what do you know?
Overnight, elephants are fat.
Lions have something to eat.
And these hunters, who, yes, I know it's disturbing.
It's not my cup of tea.
I don't really want to shoot a lion in the head, but every time you see a guy posing with a lion, that's just saved about a herd.
A pack, whatever they're called.
A gaggle of lion.
What's lions?
A herd?
Pride.
Pride, pride, pride.
Lion pride.
Sounds kind of racist.
And they shoot the older ones.
There's a method to their madness, folks.
And if it's easier for you to comprehend, maybe look at Ducks Unlimited here in the States, where these duck hunters have done immeasurable good for marshlands.
So they have shit to hunt.
See, the Lord built all this in to our system.
The free market is the closest to nature.
It's the closest to God because it allows us to have checks and balances ourselves.
That's why communism kills a hundred million people.
Because it ignores God and says, no, I'm going to play God.
I'm going to feed everyone.
Stalin, I'm going to take this food from the Ukrainians and give it to the Russians and watch 30 million die in Holodomor.
Mao is gonna fix the brains of all of China and wipe out the middle class, the creative class, and kill 80 million people.
That's communism.
Capitalism saves lions.
Anyway, so that was one bachelor party.
Another one was Scott Campbell.
He used to do my tattoos.
He doesn't speak to me, of course, now that I'm a Trumper.
Boy, liking Trump really wipes out your Rolodex.
And they don't tell you to the way I knew Scott doesn't love me anymore as I his his wife Lake Bell was on the cover of the fashion supplement in the New York Post and my kids were drawing on her without knowing who she was and it was a funny face and I sent it to him and he didn't didn't return my text.
I was dumped.
But his was a very interesting one.
His was dudes at some random place they rented, beer in a cooler and stuff, very lo-fi.
And the women there were not that hot.
They were kind of haggard.
There was two of them and they were kind of had droopy tits.
And one of them, by the way, we're just sitting and talking, having beers with, talking to her.
She has a boyfriend who doesn't know that she does this.
Poor bastard, eh?
Imagine your girlfriend is just out slapping her tits, basically your tits, in some, in eight strangers faces.
But she had a ritual where she would, um, she would hold the guy down and then she'd slap him in the face with her tits and stuff.
And I don't know, I think she was nude and rubber ass all over him and stuff.
And it was not sexual.
It was, and he said to me, he goes, I don't want to do this.
Like, I'm paying for this.
Why am I paying for something I don't want to do?
And I'm like, Scott, that's the whole point!
It's almost like a parody of infidelity.
And not to get too hoity-toity about it, but it's a mockery of this ritual itself.
It's meta.
And you're supposed to be totally uncomfortable.
What are you gonna do?
Fall in love with her?
Not get married?
It's a joke!
You're not cheating, and it's not sexual.
It's sort of like Halloween.
Halloween, you dress up as monsters and stuff.
I'm going back to the origins of Halloween, pre-Christianity, the pagans.
And they were saying, we're not scared of you, Death.
Look, I'm dead.
Ooh, I'm a skeleton.
What now, bitch?
That's what Halloween is, and that's kind of what a lot of bachelor parties are.
They're...
There are two things.
There's the strip club element where you're looking at these tits going, man, these things have really changed my life.
There they go.
Anyway, guys, cheers.
And then there's also the more haggard ones, which is slightly different bachelor party.
And that is a parody of, oh, no more tits for you, buddy.
Ooh, you must be so sad.
Oh, the party's over.
All right, go get married.
I think it's kind of beautiful in a way.
And that's the thing with dudes.
We got a really bad rap.
And then when you finally look into what we do, you go, hmm, those guys are kind of cool.
That's kind of a sweet gesture that they're doing at Bachelor Party.
I remember one time we were on one and we rented a standing limo.
So it was a limousine bus kind of a thing.
It was like a special bus, but it was a limousine.
Imagine a limousine where you just sort of stretch the top up.
So you could walk around, stand up, partying, bad illegal things.
And it was this cool black guy who was kind of a hipster and a young man and he had bought this thing.
It was probably, I don't know, 80 grand?
It was a real fancy machine and he just rented it out and that was gonna be his job.
That was gonna be his thing.
I'm sure it is.
But we had this one dude, this coke head.
I'll call him Don.
And coke heads have this thing where they lose their coke and then they are convinced someone stole it.
So he goes up to the driver, this black dude, who looked like a young Cornel West, and he's like, hey man, look, I don't want any trouble and I don't want to ruin the party, but I kind of know you have my coke and I kind of want it back.
And the guy goes, dude, I drove you guys to the dealer.
I got you set up.
And I'm not saying I was doing cocaine.
I got you set up with your bags.
I obviously got a bag commission for myself.
And that means I don't steal.
And I'm not stealing from my clients, my customers.
He was an interesting dude that was fun to talk to about.
I liked just the economics of his investment and the risks that he had taken to put all his eggs in this limo basket.
But I'm sure old Don was not making it easier for him.
And he kept going, like we were going to Atlantic City.
That was that bachelor party.
And it was, you know, I think it's two hours there, two hours back.
So it's a long time to be boring someone with an accusation that's not true.
And we're all saying, Dan, just fucking drop it, please.
And we'd take him away from the driver.
We also want the driver focused on the road.
And then you'd be talking and inevitably Don would just sort of drift back and ooze over the driver and just be like, all right, come on.
I think, I think we've had enough.
We've had enough of this silly prank.
Let's, uh, give me my bag back.
And then that night we finally got home, probably 4 a.m.
And he told me the next day that he got home pretty disappointed in the driver for never coming clean.
And he pulled off his sock.
And as he pulled off his sock, a bag went flying across the room.
And his first reaction was yes, because he got to party all night by himself with his drugs.
That's the same guy who we made up that rule for partying downer and one of them was never party after 4 a.m.
or 13 hours or something, whichever comes first.
I was like, well, it's 3.58, dude.
Time to pack it in.
And no matter what's going on, I'm happy to hit the hay any time after 2.
Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.
Ever.
No good conversations, nothing.
Four?
Well, that's just no man's land.
What are you doing alive at four a.m.?
And he goes, I go, we have to stop partying.
We made a deal.
He's like, okay, okay, okay.
And then he just chugged half a bottle of vodka and did a line the size of a millipede right at $3.59.
And so he's wasted, wired to the hilt.
And I go, what did you do that for?
That's not the way this game works.
And then there he is, just listening to Su-Su-Studio.
On his headphones, I can hear through that teeny little... I can hear... As he just sort of sits on his bed.
I think he ended up going out.
You know, that dude, we used to party and then I go, right, I'm on a steam man, like two o'clock or something.
I go, I gotta go home and hit the hay.
I'm gonna pass out.
And he would go, whatever, pussy.
And then he would go and have an entire other night.
From 3 to 10.
There are bars in Brooklyn that are all night long.
Speakeasies, I guess they're called.
But there's obviously the cool ones in Manhattan, like there's that one that's based on a real speakeasy where they drink out of teacups even though they don't have to and there's a little sliding thing where you say a cool secret word and all that stuff.
That's awesome.
Gotcha.
But, um, this one was, uh, This one was, the ones he would go to were just like shitty dive bars with these haggard old alcoholic women and blue collar dudes and were way out in like East New York and South Brooklyn.
There's a whole world going on there.
And it's not like it was fun, like, yeah, people partying and young people rocking and girls in high-heeled shoes.
Whee!
No, it's sad.
It's like a bunch of really drunk drunks who have just committed their lives to drinking.
He went to rehab and is in AA now.
Everyone who ever partied with me ends up in rehab.
You're kind of in rehab right now, Ryan.
Yeah.
A little bit.
Well, I'm sober.
I'm not drinking.
Right.
Cause you, you try it, you hung out with me a couple times and it ruined your life.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
That's not it.
Oh.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Let's, should we do the mailbag?
I thought I had like 900 bachelor stories and I don't.
And it wasn't an interesting topic.
Those are all the ones you have?
Well, yeah, basically.
Is that all there is?
Yeah.
Pretty much it.
The general point I wanted to get across is, there's various degrees of perving out.
And sometimes it's almost asexual.
Sometimes it's just, man, women are beautiful, especially nude.
And your dick has nothing to do with it.
It's an intellectual thing.
And I don't think a wife should be mad at a guy for going to a strip club.
Well, that's pretty r- I mean...
You're not allowed to go to strip clubs, are you?
I wouldn't go if I wasn't.
Oh, you're such a pussy.
No, I wouldn't.
You can't even say.
I'm glad I'm not allowed to go to strip clubs.
I really am.
I don't have to go to bars.
Yeah!
I'm glad that's a rule that I'm forbidden.
You sound like someone in Soviet Russia.
I don't even want to go to America.
I hate blue jeans.
Stupid rock and roll.
No, thank you.
I love Soviet Russia.
I love waiting in line for bread.
Dude, if there's no rules and there's no right and wrong, it's hell.
You're literally in Satan's land.
Yeah.
Be a bear.
That's Owen.
By the way, I would like to make something clear here.
Yes.
I'm not condoning prostitution.
I think that's totally different.
I think prostitution should be legal, but I also think it's a sin.
It's a vice.
I think it's dark.
Fuck.
What?
I spilled coffee all over my goddamn self.
You are a loser!
Coffee!
Yeah, it's all over your stupid crotch.
It's all over your pussy lips, you fag.
This sucks.
I hate this.
I'm glad.
I'm not.
Yeah, prostitution.
It's funny too, like Dante Nero is this sort of god of the left.
I heard the FBI went to investigate him recently about Proud Boys.
Huh.
To ask him questions.
Because if you want to hear bad shit about Proud Boys, he's the guy to go to.
Even though they raised $800 for him.
Without asking.
After his mom died.
And he makes probably 80 grand a year at Verizon, but they're just sweeties.
Did he get that tattoo removed?
I don't know.
He has a Proud Boys tattoo on his neck.
If you want to hear dirt, NPR, ABC News, the FBI, they go to Dante.
And it's like, he's the bastion of morality?
The guy was a pimp.
For the better part of his adult years, his formative years, he was a pimp.
Isn't that having a sex slave?
Isn't that considered immoral?
Yeah.
So, I don't think strip clubs are that sad, although...
You know, you don't want your sister being a stripper.
You're selling the last thing.
I'm kind of, I got to work this out in my own head.
Dude, that's how you got to think of it.
Every woman is somebody's sister, mother, or daughter.
Right.
Well, also a woman has, like when a woman is selling her sexuality, that's like her most precious commodity.
And we've trivialized it in this day and age with these stupid slut walks.
And yeah, of course there's money for you being a cam girl, but that's the end of the line for you.
Yeah nobody wants that.
So a woman doing porn is sad.
A woman being a prostitute is sadder.
A woman in a strip club I know it's similar, but it seems much less horrible.
I mean, no one has a problem with cabaret dancers, right?
Or what about dancers in general?
That's the step between them.
Like Chicago, right?
Those women all are showing off their legs.
Their gams.
And their stupid little bowler hats.
Isn't strip clubs just a raunchier thing of Chicago?
It's a spectrum.
Yeah.
Now, lying under a man that you don't love and getting pounded, that's profoundly sad.
And here's another thing too, is you look at the women themselves, like we've all known a couple strippers.
They're usually girls who went to dance school and couldn't get a gig.
They wanted to pay off their college.
The ones who were in porn, they were molested by their uncle or father.
And with prostitutes, it was much worse than molesting.
And that's why they do well in those industries because they can just switch off because they trained switching off when they were getting raped.
Oh, I see.
I don't want to come across as this advocate for strip clubs.
I just think that the men who go to them get a bad rap and people see it wrong.
Any hizzle, I would like you to play the intro to The Mailbag.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Dear Gavin, love the podcast.
Buh-bye.
I have a suggestion, on your new show you should have a fashion segment where your viewers send in a picture of them.
That's Paul Stanton.
Paul, that's a stupid idea.
I don't know if you're familiar with eyeballs and ear holes, but audio only deals with the latter.
So for us to have a picture segment on an audio podcast is one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard.
And speaking of dumb, and this has nothing to do with this letter writer, what the fuck is going on with millennials and the dollar sign?
It is now the norm for $200 to be written $200 sign.
This used to be reserved for only the most illiterate of gentlemen and now I'm pleasantly surprised when I see the dollar sign on the left.
What is going on in our schools?
They're so busy brainwashing them with their Marxist claptrap they forgot to teach the most basic of spelling?
Dear Gavin, my name's Dylan, I'm 19, I work in construction.
A couple months ago I was seeing this girl who was exactly my type, but she was crazy in the head.
So?
Crazy in the head is great.
Especially if you're 19 and busting your ass doing construction all day.
You should be fucking a Looney Tune.
I tried to stop booking... What, we got a problem?
Yeah, yeah.
That's reminding me that I have an appointment in 30 minutes and interrupting the show?
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
I tried to stop hooking up with her, but the sex was insane.
She would do shit that I've only seen in porn.
I finally broke up with her when she tried to kick my sister's ass for trying to break us up.
What?
Dude, she loves you!
Your sister was trying to meddle, and this crazy bitch was ready to fight to the death to keep you.
What are you, crazy?
I've always wondered, like, what would it be like if the head of, say, Brad Pitt's fan club, uh, got to fuck him?
And he's just like, hey, what's going on?
Yeah, hi, I'm gonna be at your house nude.
Do whatever you want.
Would she just cry and say, I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.
Oh God, I love you so much.
Or would it be awesome sex or would she be unable to have sex with him?
Cause she'd be shaking so much and crying so much.
Be a fun experiment.
Like, same with the Beatles.
I've always wondered what would happen if they stopped running from that mob of girls who were pissing themselves.
You know they were all pissing themselves, right?
Those shows, those early Beatles shows.
Help!
I need somebody!
Those screaming girls.
Apparently the stands reeked of urine.
Because they were all urinating their legs.
But what if they stopped running and just, you know, first they'd rip all their clothes off.
But now you got four naked beetles, do they start yanking bits of their hair out?
Would they eventually have these sort of patchy scalps with blood coming from the holes where the hair had been ripped out?
Would they start biting them?
Would they just begin licking them?
Like, what do you do?
Or just, they rip all their clothes off, so now it's four beetles with missing patches of hair, and then it's just a mob surrounding them, just screaming more until everyone's deaf, and piss, rivers of piss.
And then what?
Do people start eventually going, well, I got to get to work actually.
And does the crowd sort of dissipate?
I'm kind of mad at the Beatles.
Dude, two of you are going to be dying soon anyway.
Anyway, about a week later, her two friends tell me at a party that the whole time she had herpes.
Oh my God.
I don't think that's true, but now girls think I have herpes and I'm having a pretty tough time getting laid.
Herpes?
You know who has herpes?
Everyone.
Why is there stigma with herpes?
Ever heard of a cold sore?
What kind of pussy generation are we in?
It's basically just shitty chlamydia.
Herpes?
Who cares?
Herpes means sores break out well when you first get it it's like once a month but then it goes down to like once a year then you don't even get them on your genitals anymore and you'll get like a cold sore on your lip when you're super stressed out like if your parents are in town and then you'll have a sore on your lip for a few days big fucking deal don't make out with people with sores on their lips God, if we're worried about herpes, this reminds me of the time Joe Biden's son, everyone was freaking out because he had done cocaine.
I think he's dead now, by the way.
But I said, I don't want to live in an America where the vice president's son isn't doing cocaine.
Like, I don't want everyone getting AIDS or anything, but herpes?
Yes, we should have tons of herpes.
I got an interesting letter.
I wonder if I could find it without boring you.
But it was this guy who said that I was wrong about light-skinned African-American people of color.
And his contention was that... Well, I'll see if I can find it later, but his contention was They do that not to appease whites.
The reason that light-skinned blacks are so radical, Malcolm X-y, is because they get shit from darker-skinned blacks who say, you're a sellout, you suck, you've crossed over the dark side, you're not one of us.
So they overdo it to not appease white people, but to appease black people.
That's an interesting theory.
Oh, and he was black, the guy who sent it.
What if I just put in the word black?
Will that pull it up?
Okay, no, this is stupid.
I'm wasting everyone's time.
All right, next letter.
Have you got any?
Ryan?
Yeah, I could find one.
Well, here's one.
Hey, this is from Greg.
I'm 17.
I'm in high school in Alberta.
I was in one of my school plays this year as a lead.
One rehearsal after school, my wife in the show seemed really moody.
I was FaceTiming my friend in Elvis voice and I said, Hey baby, turn around.
And to me, I didn't think she even heard it.
I was just trying to be funny.
So I guess she thinks we're laughing at her and out of nowhere she starts slapping me and screaming.
I stand there awkwardly trying not to laugh as she throws a fit.
She then picks up a chair and throws it at my knees.
She storms out of the room and immediately my fellow castmates... By the way, you're gay if you're in a play.
I'll turn around and look at me and say, you're a real asshole, Greg.
I'm like, what the fuck did I even do?
Anyways, the director calls me out, and the girl's crying and storms off, and my director's like, what the fuck?
What the fuck did you even do?
And I didn't even know at the time.
Well, I get sent home the next day, and I get called to the office.
I thought it was gonna be about me, like, bullying some idiot, but no, as soon as I sat down, the principal starts accusing me of sexual harassment.
I shit you not!
The girl said that because of my harmless joke, she was offended, and that was apparently considered sexual harassment.
The principal kept ripping on me, blah, blah, blah.
He calls my mom.
My mom thought I got into a fight or something, but luckily she's not a liberal idiot and she said, wow, this is sad.
In this day and age, I'm more concerned about my sons than my daughter.
Anyways, I ended up getting suspended for three days and I have to quit the play.
Absolutely crazy in my opinion.
Um, just thought I'd send this in because it's bullshit, but I'd love to hear your thoughts, blah blah blah blah.
Yeah, I think you should be more worried about your sons than your daughters in this day and age.
I think, you know what I would do with my boys, and it's likely illegal?
I would have a hidden camera in my dorm room.
You know what?
Dave Kass, the previous guy that does your job, he was in a frat called Omega something in Ohio.
No, no, in Arizona.
They're a big, big frat.
They're all over the world.
I mean, the country.
And their pledges would sit in a chair next to the bed when they fucked chicks.
Now, this guy's not beating off.
He has slacks on and a dress shirt, and he's sitting there like you would if you were sitting at the dentist's office.
Uh, with your mouth open, lean back.
No, no, in the waiting room.
Uh, and his job was just in case this ends up in court, we now have a witness.
So just again, I'm talking about men in a non-sexual way at a sexual event.
They would, they were witnesses.
You know, there's apps now where the woman has to click on and add permission and that's a real turnoff.
Part of the whole, Part of the whole sexual vibe is a sense of danger.
You know, they used to say that, he took me.
You know?
There's supposed to be a little bit of drama there.
And they've ruined sex with all these rules.
But, as far as my boys go, when I get older, I'm gonna say, like, get permission, get the app.
There's things that basketball players have.
Cop showed me once and it's like a little card that says I consent to be with blank And you fill it in and blah blah blah and you check off boxes and stuff.
It's a big card like when I say big I mean like six by two They carry around a stack of them How romantic I got one Well, let's see what this is No, that's someone sending a funny video Okay, go ahead.
Hey fellas, my male feminist college professor was teaching our class that opening a door for a lady leads to domestic violence.
I am not shitting you.
As soon as I spoke up and tried to convince him otherwise, he claimed that opening a door for a woman is inferring that she is helpless and that men who do that are attempting to dominate them.
Yeah, you like that bitch?
Just open the fucking door.
Now get inside!
You want these flowers, whore?
Get inside the building where you work at, you fucking bitch.
I see you fumbling around with your laundry bag.
You want me to help you?
Yeah, you'd love that.
You can't even handle your own laundry, you fucking bitch.
She's like, I'm good.
I'll tell you what opening the door means.
It means thank you, women, for creating Earth.
It is recognizing that women are sentient beings and they can make babies.
Sometimes I feel like, like I don't sit down on the subway cause it's not worth always looking up to see if there's an old lady or a pregnant lady or something.
I'll just, you guys keep the seats, have them.
But sometimes I feel like saying, before I get up, have you had kids or do you intend to have kids?
Because if not, you're just me.
Right.
So I'm not getting up.
But if you're part of this magic force, and this is what I was talking about the other podcast with these stupid kick ass chicks.
We're gonna fuck you up!
Yeah, Charlie's Throne just beat up nine Russian bodyguards by doing roundhouse kicks.
Yeah, sure she did.
This guy adds, after that class you spoke to him and asked if he would ever consider going on your show for a debate and he agreed.
He said let me know if you're interested.
No, I'm not inviting strangers to a show.
So yeah, in the normal world, women aren't kick-ass in kick-ass movies because that's not their personality, but they don't care because they know they are the magic wizards that provide human life.
So we're not equal.
You're magic.
I'm not equal to a fucking wizard.
Me and Gandalf are not peers.
I can just jizz in you.
That's not fancy.
Have you ever seen spiders?
A male spider is about a 50th of the size of the female.
Because the female is important.
You know what God does to the male after he's done inseminating her or whatever those disgusting perverted spiders do?
She eats him.
Black Widow spiders eat the male.
The male's not a big deal.
That's why we throw us into wars and stuff and get stupid tattoos.
Our bodies are not temples.
We're not magic.
You're magic.
Again, it's like Superman going, Hey, uh, how come you guys are talking about punk all the time?
I want to be in the scene.
Why?
You're Superman.
Go fly around the world and change time.
Okay, but what are you guys doing?
Uh, we have a Columbia Records and Tape Club where we exchange mixtapes.
Okay, I want to do that.
Okay, but you suck at it because you're not even from Earth.
You're from Krypton.
Although he was here for the punk movement, I guess.
He got here as a baby.
That's the most anti-immigrant thing I've ever said on this show.
Hey there, Gavin and Ryan.
My name is Tyler.
I reside in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
I recently got back from a 10-day trip to Ireland with a lifelong buddy.
It was awesome.
Besides the sights and nightlife, we enjoyed another peculiar phenomenon.
We started 69ing each other and discovered that you don't have to be gay.
No, I'm just kidding.
He said, neither of us jerked off the whole trip, partially because we were staying in the same place every night.
But also, after about five days, we brought it up.
We felt more alive, more willing to chat with strangers, more willing to say yes to opportunities.
And we even climbed the Galti Mountains while it was hailing.
Yeah, it gives you superpowers, dude.
It surprisingly became easier to talk to women.
Anyways, I'm gonna keep this up.
I ship off to Navy Boot Camp in August, and I know that I'm going to be the best me going forward.
Thanks a million, you guys.
Hope you- and Ryan, I hope you one day have a dad.
Yeah, he's gonna get a dad one day.
He's gonna be a dad one day.
P.S.
And then he has a picture of himself.
Thanks.
Typical millennials.
Thinks I give a fuck what he looks like.
Here's me in Ireland, dude.
Oh, thanks.
I'll print this out and frame it.
Oh, I got another one.
Yeah, it is.
But let me finish it.
It's it is very, it's just better not beating off now.
The problem with marriage is Louis CK, by the way, is the greatest comedian of all time.
I don't agree with his politics.
I hate that he glorifies divorce after his divorce.
But that guy, the fact that his career was ruined forever because he beat off in front of a woman with their consent.
He had consensual sexual Intercourse not intercourse, but he had sexual relations with that woman many times and many comedians said yeah He'd always asked first Sarah Silverman said it was exciting Janine Garofalo miss fucking left-wing super liberal Nazi She literally has a tattoo on her arm of a bleeding heart She said yeah, yeah, he has permission.
I thought it was kind of weird.
Whatever.
I just watched it.
It's like watching an animal And he's ruined for that.
But anyway, he has a great bit about women, about wives blowing their husbands.
And he goes, women don't want to blow their husbands.
And then he describes what women want to blow.
And it's like a new guy you don't really know.
And he said something dangerous at dinner.
And you've never seen him naked.
And he's kind of interesting.
And it was like he was reading women's minds.
It was like he was a woman wanting to give a BJ in the bit.
And then he talks about how his wife, eventually wives, have sex with you just so you don't go shooting up some fucking place.
He said, they're just, just before we start a world war, you give us a release.
But it's not like you're dying to do it.
And then he describes, and this could have ruined his marriage, for all we know.
But he describes his, the pathetic hand job his wife gave him and how he ended up grabbing her hand and just using her hand as like, another hand.
To beat off?
I'm ruining the joke, but it's like listening to fucking Bach.
He is the master.
Even his voice, the cadence, the pauses.
Yeah, I don't know.
I have three kids and they're just shitting on the floor.
I'm Louis C.K.
It's not my best.
No, that was good.
It's not the greatest.
Um, so yeah, but it's still, most marriages, I think they, well, I shouldn't say most marriages, a large swath of marriages get ruined by porn, by beating off, it separates you from your wife, and I swear to God, when you don't beat off, you just walk down the street different.
You just feel like going, yeah, you got a problem?
What's, was there a problem?
With heavy balls.
You just got heavier balls.
I got a really quick one here.
Okay.
It's odd.
It's about Van Halen.
It's pretty much asking what are your favorite Top 15 Van Halen and Motley Crue songs?
And which band do you prefer the most?
Uh, that's a gay letter.
I guess I like Van Halen better and as far as the top tracks, go to Spotify and click on top tracks and then those are the ones I like.
You don't like the deep cuts?
No.
How about this one?
I keep losing job after job because of my loud piece of shit personality that I can't seem to turn off and it's affecting me to the point of homelessness.
Smile face.
Alright, I think we're running out of time here.
These are getting boring.
But yeah, get fired.
It's good for you.
They can't fire us all.
We should be getting in trouble.
That's the motto of my new show.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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