Get Off My Lawn Podcast #97 | Lena Dunham is leaving Brooklyn
I have a love hate relationship with Lena Dunham. I obviously hate her politics but she’s made some cool art over the years and the way her fellow feminists have treated her is downright disturbing. The only reason I can see for all this vitriol is jealousy. I think a lot of underachieving females see what she’s done and they resent her for it because it makes them feel bad. I just made that up right now and don’t even mention it in this podcast. Still, it’s a pretty good theory. Like I’ve always said, the less you achieve, the more you trivialize other’s accomplishments. Copyright CRTV. All rights reserved.
I think she's kind of breaking up with everything.
I think she's had enough.
She got into bed with feminists and they didn't scissor her.
I'm kind of fascinated by Lena Dunham.
She's one of those people that I hate and love at the same time.
I obviously hate her politics and find her annoying.
And the constant nudity from someone who looks like that is really hard on the eyes.
But I also admire her, and I thought Girls was really good.
Yeah, you heard it here first, folks.
And with Lin-Manuel Miranda, I'm the same way.
I hate him.
It annoys me that people don't want to hear about American history unless you get black guys and Hispanic guys to do it, and then all of a sudden they care.
And his face annoys me and that charitable thing he did where he was singing in Spanish with all these other Spanish celebrities.
He's just so earnest.
You know what I mean?
His little sweatshirt and his... Oh, and he did this thing.
Remember that thing he did with Emma Watson where he tried to show her how to beatbox?
I remember those guys, Lin-Manuel guys in school.
The dudes who were really into hip-hop.
And they were, you remember those guys who were into hip-hop?
And they weren't just like, yeah, I like it, like, I like rock.
It was like, no, no, it's hip-hop culture.
You see, rap is the type of music, and hip-hop, it combines the four elements of turntabling, breakdancing, rapping, and graffiti.
And they're, ugh, they know all the terms, like throw up, and this is a piece, and this is your tag, and you wanna get fame.
Of course, I know about all this crap, because I did pop culture for so long, but.
So, they're hip-hop nerds.
They have little backpacks on, and he's still that guy.
But just so, ugh.
He's so sincere, it makes me barf.
But on the other hand, he's got people to care about American history.
I mean, they had to be tricked, I guess.
And it worked.
He Trojan-horsed in some American history in there.
She made tons of money and created tons of jobs.
Raised money for Puerto Rico with that irritating song.
So hats off to him, you know?
He's improved the world around him.
And now I got Lin-Manuel Miranda's face in my head.
He looks like a melting camel.
And he's always has a coffee.
You know, like he did some American Express commercial.
He's in the barbershop and he's bringing people croissants.
I get the heebie-jeebies.
He creeps me out.
But I probably would work, by the way, if you're having trouble with premature ejaculation.
My old tip And I don't mean literal tip.
My old handy tip that just reminded me, I went up this... Did I tell you this story already about this guy?
His wife told me the best thing to do when your kids play Fortnite is to put them in another room after to decompress because they're such junkies for it.
It's like taking crack away.
And I thought that was a really helpful tip and I tried it and it works.
Because they get crazy when you take the Fortnite away.
And, uh, I went up to him and I said, I cannot say enough about your wife's tips.
He stared at me, he's very protective of his wife, he stared at me like he was going to rip my throat out.
He thought I was talking about her tits, which I've never even looked at or considered in any way.
Um, so, but my tip for lasting used to be Kevin Spacey.
You imagine his face floating above your bed about five feet high, huge.
And not decapitated, but just his head floating there, and he's just staring at you.
And it can buy you a good three minutes.
And I've never tried this, but my gut tells me that if you are having intercourse, and it's going too quickly for you, I bet you just floating a Lin-Manuel around in there gets you a good, maybe more than Kevin Spacey, maybe four minutes.
And by the way, the Kevin Spacey thing, people have come up to me and said, hey man, uh, thanks for that Kevin Spacey thing.
Really improved my marriage.
I've been thanked for the Kevin Spacey thing.
But anyway, get back to Lena Dunham.
So she came out of nowhere, artist mom, and she did a show called Girls.
And the first season, it was totally vapid.
And it was kind of sex in the city, but for Upper West Side rich kids.
And as I was saying on my show about the Beastie Boys, you have to understand that these rich kids who grew up in New York City, Whether it's the 70s, 80s, right up till now, they go to these stupid art schools where they get a shark in math, and they get credits for working at a record store, and it's just, it's make-believe, and they end up, like, the Beastie Boys book is unreadable.
He can't spell, he uses plus instead of and, he says like in sentences, it's Valley Girl stuff, and I remember that when I first moved to New York, and hanging out with the in-crowd, and You know, Dash Snow and Ryan McGinley and all those ear snot dudes.
Cool guys, great guys.
But we'd get to, you know, politics would come up or history or something and they wouldn't know anything.
Like, Dash Snow was an awesome guy, and I cried when he died, but I remember asking him once, because he was really into Iraq, and because it means I steal, and he had, like, Saddam Hussein tattoos on, and I pretended that he was really into Iraq itself, and I go, what do you think of the embargoes, dude?
And he goes, who are the embargoes?
That's typical of New York in crowd, and rich, especially, well, the poor are screwed because of public schools, because they're the worst, probably, in the Northeast.
But the rich kids are screwed because they go to these art schools.
And Liam Dunham's one of them.
And so these rich, vapid, self-indulgent kids in Manhattan, they hang around with all white people and they talk about racism all the time.
That's their two obsessions, defending black people and not being around black people.
That's really, that's, that's the liberally, you know, what's funny too about having my character assassinated is I get recognized now everywhere I go.
I can't, if I don't, if I'm not ready for a brawl, I mean, most, most people approach me are cool, I should say, but I just tend to hang out in black neighborhoods more because no one recognizes me.
I feel safest and most comfortable in Harlem now.
Anyway, so...
It's an interesting group of people, and when Lena Dunham did Girls, she didn't hold back.
She showed herself as narcissistic and uninformed and spoiled, and all her friends come across the same way.
And that's really cool, and it's really rare in TV to have protagonists who are kind of villains.
That's an annoying thing, too, about American culture.
I remember Justin Theroux said that once.
He said, The problem with American comedy is they can't have smart losers.
Britain can have Alan Partridge.
He's a very intelligent fucking loser.
Our losers have to be Homer Simpson.
Do-do-do-do-do.
I'm a dumb guy.
You go, that's a little on the nose.
Can we have some nuance here?
Like, Cast Away, it's a good movie and everything, but 100% of the people in that movie are absolute angels.
People aren't like that.
People can be malicious, especially, maybe that's me living in New York.
I'm just used to everyone having a knife behind their back, or in their back.
So this show had protagonists who were not likable, and they were irritating, and they were vapid.
And then the reviews come out, and it's, uh, Boy, these characters are vapid, and they're not multicultural enough.
And you go, yeah, that's the point.
She's showing you the Upper West Side rich scene of these spoiled brat kids.
And no, they're not diverse.
That's interesting.
It's a really honest and real show, and it was kind of funny.
And that's all I ask for my art.
But there is a problem.
With that culture.
There's sort of two cultures going on at once here.
There's the Upper West Side rich kids.
We already talked about that and that was interesting to see.
But also, the grander scheme of these young people is ovaries suck.
It's ovary bigotry.
And in Sex and the City, that was the previous version, that was more Gen X-y.
They're all about woman empowerment, but the woman empowerment just seems to be being a complete slut, fucking everything that moves and talking about dicks over brunch.
That's like women being empowered.
That's not women being empowered.
That's women being dudes.
That's women being gay men, basically.
You know, feminism is, it doesn't make women into superwomen, it makes women into men.
And women make shitty men.
They're not good at it.
And the whole slut thing, I don't believe women enjoy that.
It's not in their nature to be banging everything that moves.
It's just not.
They like intimacy.
So, the problem with both of these shows, and girls... Although, you know what?
It's not so much a problem with girls, because girls, I wouldn't say those girls are portrayed well.
Like, sex in the city, you're supposed to look up to these women.
With girls?
I don't know.
But...
Boy, it faced a lot of animosity.
I just remember when it came out, Jezebel and all these these feminists just leapt on it.
They called it hipster racism.
And one of their beefs was that every actress in the show comes from money or has, like, one of the girls, her dad was in some band, what were they called?
They had, like, one hit.
One of the girls in Girls, her dad was like the drummer in Bad Company or something like that.
And so that's how she got the gig.
And you're like, oh yeah, those Bad Company spoiled brats are always making, you won't be able to look it up.
The word girls is just going to be too much stuff.
You could go HBO Girls.
Yeah!
That's the point!
What are you missing here?
they all are and how these actresses playing these girls, they're all for money or they're the sons of famous playwrights and all that stuff.
And you go, yeah, that's the point.
What are you missing here?
But Lena Dunham immediately capitulated, but I'll get to that.
So it's this anti-ovary culture where they say, you know, just keep sucking dicks.
Don't ever get a ring on it.
Never settle down.
Like, they don't, you don't see them becoming housewives and being happily married and having kids and that's the end of the series.
It doesn't end like that.
It's always just like, we went to Monaco and then we fucked Arabs and then we went to Africa, ooh, we're on a sex tour, we're glamping with dicks everywhere.
Yeah, that sounds awesome if you're a gay man.
Um, and so there's, there was two things going on with girls.
One, they were being cannibalized by the left, even though they're lefties, because the thing about the left these days is they need their Nazis bad.
They eat Nazis.
They're vampire hunters and vampire, they're vampires.
Vampires need blood, but there's not enough blood.
So they just start drinking grape juice and, and writing blood on a cup of tomato sauce.
And just calling everything blood.
Everyone's a Nazi.
Everyone's racist.
So they can get their racist.
And then they run out of those guys.
They eat me up.
They eat up Robert Spencer, not Richard Spencer, Robert Spencer.
And then they're like, I'm still hungry.
So then they look over at Lena Dunham and they go, you got some meat on your bones.
And they start devouring her.
So this is, I'm making, probably making this more complicated than it is.
So that's one sort of story.
Then there's another story going on with ovaries where, and I was responsible for this advice too, but Sex and the City, pop culture, they had, New York has this whole like don't get married thing going on.
And it always blows up in a woman's face.
She always ends up lonely and childless, and just being used as a colostomy bag for other people's cum.
Just getting called at four in the morning for a booty call, and, oh well, maybe someone will hug me.
You know, he'll hug me in the morning before he boots me out, and then I have to go back to being a cat mom.
I've always said that New York City is an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
Women come here thinking they're gonna marry Mr. Big and get some big finance guy and be rich out in Connecticut, and it almost never pans out that way.
They just get, they go, they go in their 20s, they get dumped around 35, and then men go back, they just It's easy to get girls in New York, so men just keep dumping women when they're around 35, and that's when their ovaries are dried up, and it's going to take them a couple years to recover, and then by the time they're ready for a new man and to get married or something, it's 40.
Well, you snooze, you lose.
Now you're going to go to Iceland on a trip and just get drunk there with your boyfriend, or your husband.
Hope he doesn't dump you for being childless.
So I don't like that element of all of these shows, is the never get married, just be a slut thing.
I think it hurts women.
And it's ironic that I'm seen as a sexist for saying that.
I'm like, don't just be a free whore.
Get a ring on it.
And they're like, you sexist pig.
How dare you not want me to be a complete whore?
Any his.
So this, this continues and it's just gotten worse and worse for Lena.
She's just, she keeps capitulating and they just keep feeding on her carcass.
Like she said, okay, okay, I'll get a black guy.
She got Donald Glover.
And they go, how dare you make him Republican, you bitch.
Like when you capitulate to these lunatics, they just want more blood.
So, there was just an article that came out about her, and I thought there was an interesting sort of a poll quote here.
Here is an incomplete list of things Dunham has been asked to apologize for.
And, like, look at that tone.
You have been asked to apologize.
It sounds like a schoolmarm.
It sounds like a Pink Floyd video.
Hey!
Teacher!
Leave those kids alone!
Like, I imagine them having a monocle and sort of sagging jowls and a meter stick that they slap on the desk.
You have been asked to apologize, Lena.
If anything, she should have to apologize for encouraging women to be complete whores and never settle down, because they'll end up like Lena Dunham.
Alright, ready?
The non-diverse casting on girls.
Yes, I just spoke about that.
We got that.
Casting Donald Glover as a black Republican boyfriend the season after she got in trouble for having an all-white cast.
Wait, why is that bad?
Like, they say you have an all-white cast, that sucks, and then she gets a black guy, and then she gets in trouble for that.
Or you're doing that just as a token.
Well, yeah, you told me to.
You said, get some token black people in there, and I did.
See, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
If she didn't get black people on the cast the next year, she would have been screwed again.
Around that time was when they coined the phrase hipster racism because she was a New Yorker and she just spoke in a sort of a raunchy way and that's not acceptable.
Saying in an interview, no one would be calling me racist if they knew how badly I wanted to fuck Drake.
Could that be more clearly a joke please?
Come on!
The willful ignorance here is astounding.
So you're picturing chubby little Lena, the baby seal, lying underneath Drake and then looking at someone and going, see?
See?
My son used to do that when he was two.
God, it would crack me up.
Nothing's his fault.
And so he would give him chocolate milk or something in the back seat in his little baby chair and there'd be like a bump and he'd get chocolate milk all over himself and he'd always say, see?
See?
Like, I told you not to give me chocolate milk, but no!
You wouldn't listen.
Yeah, this is what people do too, and they do this to me all the time, maybe this is why I'm so sympathetic to her.
You take a joke like that and then you write it out of context and it's like, now we have to imagine someone sitting down on a pulpit or something, well you don't sit at a pulpit, standing in a pulpit, with a gavel in hand going, I just want to make something perfectly clear to America, I want to have sex with Drake.
And that should be taken as evidence that I am not a racist person.
I can show you myself diddling my bean to a picture of Drake.
I'm prepared to do that right now, actually.
I'm happy to be nude in public, as you know.
And if you have a picture of Drake, and you can watch me orgasm.
I will have an orgasm staring at a picture of him.
Now, could a racist do that?
For the record, actually, I don't think a racist could do that.
I don't think a racist woman could masturbate to Drake.
Just for the record, the joke actually has some truth to it.
Alright, uh, declaring herself thin for, like, Detroit.
A, that is a joke.
B, that's a funny joke.
C, that's kind of true.
I bet the obesity rates in Detroit are abnormally high, and I bet if she lived in Detroit, in an African-American community, she wouldn't be considered obese.
If she lived in Connecticut, in a rich, affluent suburb where the moms go to Equinox all day and the nannies do all the work, she would be considered an obese whale.
So that was an amusing joke.
And by the way, the reason I hate stuff like this, so you're, you have to, she has to apologize for saying I'm thin for like Detroit.
Now people can't use color and I don't mean race.
They can't be colorful in their language.
So you're out there, you, you fucking school moms with your Monocles on and you're killing humor, and that's the beginning of the end.
Like Orwell said, within every joke is a tiny revolution.
You can't be colorful anymore, and I've argued this many times.
I think back in the 80s, before political correctness really took hold in the 90s, I think there was less racism when there was more rude jokes.
Like when you could go, hey you big Polack, when you went to the barbershop and stuff.
I think there was more diversity.
Back then.
Like, I look at my parents' parties in the 70s, and there's barely any black people in Canada, but they'd all be at the parties.
They were always there.
Now, I think black people are just sick of hearing about race all the time.
It's like, it's almost like it's a curse.
Like, you see a black person walk into a room and you go, oh, hi, I'm so sorry for what you have to go through being that way.
It must be terrible to be you.
Do you want some money?
Do you want a drink for free here?
Being the curse of being black?
It's like, Jesus Christ, I'm not a kid with cancer.
I don't need your sympathy.
Are you finding old articles that I've written about girls?
I've probably forgotten something.
Yeah, it just came up.
I was Google searching here naked because I don't think I've ever really seen it.
You've never seen her naked?
How can you not have seen Lena Dunham naked?
It's very difficult to avoid.
It's like being an untouched tribe.
I think I subconsciously avoided it because now I'm seeking it and it's pretty brutal.
I like seeing her naked because it's kind of cool to see what gays see when they see naked women.
You're right.
That's not an attractive thing.
I see their point now because sometimes I like to argue with gays.
Like Bruce LeBruce, I'd sit down and go, I get what you like, and I can see the argument there, but how can you not like tits?
Like, how can you look at a bag and say, thumbs up, and then look at tits and go, no thanks?
And obviously it's not a winnable argument, it's just a fun devil's advocate thing to do.
That's a good point, though.
Well, I... Sometimes they'll be okay with tits and a butt, but then when you get down to actual labia, they start going...
And I get it.
That is literally an acquired taste.
But I remember once he just said, I was talking about bags and men, and I'm showing him my belly and stuff.
I'm going, how do you prefer this to tits?
And he's like, I never said I appreciated you.
And then he goes, but your problem is you have no appreciation for the human body.
He was getting kind of pissed at me.
But anyway, a better argument he could have made was just showing me Lena Dunham naked.
And I go, oh, yeah.
OK.
I just kind of see where the gay thing is going.
But one more thing, don't you notice that they call women beautiful a lot?
Like they're like, Beyonce is so beautiful.
She's the queen.
Yeah, but they're like chicks that way.
Chicks love women.
Chicks really love ethnic women, like Padma Lakshmi or whatever.
I remember that in high school too.
If there was a girl who was like Polynesian or something, they'd be like, she is so beautiful.
Her mile-high cheekbones.
That'd be funny if dudes talked like that about chicks.
Yeah, right?
Dude, you gotta see this chick I'm banging right now.
Mile-high cheekbones.
Beautiful fucking hands.
Thin bones.
You know, she's got bee-stung lips and her hair is so flaxen.
Oh, you're telling me.
I mean, look at her cheeks.
They look like she put rouge on.
Like, that's just natural.
How does she do it?
She's so radiant.
Oh my god, those eyelashes.
They're so fucking long.
Alabaster skin.
No, they just go...
They just go, is she pretty?
Does she have nice tits?
And then the ass is like, it would be nice if there was one, but a lot of guys would just go, oh well, you can't have them all.
I went for tits this time.
Is she not morbidly obese?
Fine.
Maybe they just look at women the way that I look at my girlfriends after they fart for the first time.
I'm like, you're done.
Yeah, never.
That's a good point, Ryan, that you didn't just make.
Don't ever fart around your spouse.
Ever.
I don't care if you're married for 30 years.
My wife and I don't use the same bathroom.
I am continuing the illusion that women don't defecate.
I can, in my life, I have nothing to thwart this theory that women only have a piece of bubblegum come out once a month and then people from like Bubble Yum and the bubblegum stores, they come by the house and they collect them and that's how you get bubblegum.
Anyway, um, uh, Lena Dunham fat?
Was that?
Am I missing something?
Okay, so anyway, let's get back to this.
Writing a New Yorker essay called, Dog or Jewish Boyfriend?
A quiz.
That is pretty out there.
And it's obviously humorous, and I bet that she had a million Jewish boyfriends.
Like, are we really treating that as an anti-Semitic diatribe?
This is like when I did a 10 Things I Hate About the Jews, which isn't on YouTube anymore, so people just get the misdirecting title.
But it was an ode to Israel and how I think they should be more happy about the wall and I think they should embrace the Christians who love them and like Trump more and we love you, love us back kind of thing.
And obviously, working for Ezra Levant, I'm not sitting there in Israel doing this anti-Jewish diatribe obviously.
Yeah, mainstream conservative Canadian site had a giant anti-Semitic diatribe, and though their other 50 videos they shot there were all pro-Israeli.
How unusual!
That's the funny thing, too, about the leftist narrative.
They hit a speed bump, or they hit the end of the road, and they just keep on driving.
Oh, this group's racist.
No, they have blacks in it.
Blacks are racist against blacks.
Really?
They just sit there in the mirror when they're brushing their teeth and they go, this sucks.
I wish I could be white.
I'm going to hang out with the KKK.
And then I'll just avoid mirrors.
I mean, it's literally a David, a Dave Chappelle sketch.
Your political beliefs are a comedy sketch.
What was his name?
Bigsby or something?
The black, the black blind guy who didn't know he was in the Klan.
Or he didn't know he was black.
Your fucking philosophy is literally a comedy sketch.
You wanna talk about clown world?
Living in clown world?
The onion's out of business.
They can't keep up.
So anyway, Dogger Jewish Boyfriend.
It's a, it, it, I don't know, I haven't read the article, but it sounds funny.
Constantly being naked.
Why, okay, that's something you have to apologize to me for.
That's, why are feminists mad at her for constantly being naked?
I mean, these are all, all of these are supposed to be evil, racist, whatever, sexist things she's done.
And then they throw in, it's supposed to be feminist empowering.
She's got a terrible, horrible body.
And she shows it everywhere.
Isn't that good for feminism?
Aren't you sort of normalizing?
Like, they get mad at Barbie and all these unattainably thin Victoria's Secret models.
Now you're seeing the opposite on TV.
I thought that was good.
I thought you were representing.
the average body more.
She looks more normal.
Isn't that good?
They won't shut up about that.
Remember they'd redo those photo shoots where they take some model and then they get a fat chick and they redo the photo shoot but with all fat chicks?
Which, by the way, doesn't convince us that fat women are just as beautiful as supermodels.
All it does is humiliate the fat woman.
If a frat, if a college frat did that and said, we're going to take that fat chick and dress her up just like the supermodel that's not good.
Hey, look at her.
Look how stupid she looks.
I saw one where they dressed up this super fat chick as all the different Disney princesses.
So it's like, those women are, you know, not attainably beautiful, like these tiny waists, and then they dress up this fat pig, and she just looks like a sad pig clown.
It's so mean!
Because she doesn't instantly become beautiful, you just see a fat chick dressed up in a beautiful cartoons costume.
That's mean!
By the way, I have a theory about the dude from the Bleachers who dated her.
You know the Bleachers?
They had that hit, uh... What was the Bleachers big hit?
My brain doesn't work when I do these podcasts.
I'll stop recording and remember everything instantly.
I want to look pretty.
No.
I want to get better.
I want to get better.
Oh yeah, wait, that's the guy from Fun also.
The band Fun.
Yeah, he writes a lot of the Fun.
What a talented fucking dude.
Yeah, I hate that band, but I agree.
He's got a skill.
That's a guilty pleasure of mine.
I like that band.
Fun?
Yeah, dude, you like Bon Jovi and shit.
Dude!
A lot of the world likes Bon Jovi.
You know who likes the company that you share with liking Fun and the company I like with liking Bon Jovi?
I'm more, you shouldn't be proud of that.
Yeah, you know what, you got me.
But I'm ethnically a hipster.
I did my 27 and me thing and it came out 48% hipster.
So, like Mumford and Sons and all those bands I have to reluctantly enjoy.
Like Vampire Weekend, I want to hate them, but every time I listen to Vampire Weekend I go, these are the most talented musicians I've ever heard.
They would like to stab me, I'm sure.
It would be culturally insensitive for me to shame you for liking him any further.
Yes.
It's like, you know, if you're a gypsy and someone puts on some... With the things they shake in their hand, the castanets.
He just has to dance.
It's against his will.
I hear you.
Okay.
But I think he...
Was dating, um, Lena Dunham for, uh, ugly girl currency.
Allow me to explain.
When, like, I've heard guys who, uh, who, uh, are signing baseball players, they see the kid with a really ugly girlfriend and they go, this is a standup guy.
Hugh Jackman's infamous for having a terrible looking wife.
He's a good dude.
And when you see like a Pierce Brosnan or someone and they have an ugly wife, you go, that seems like a cool guy.
Like he could be with anyone and he's sticking by.
I think Jon Bon Jovi's wife is very unattractive.
Hugh Jackman's infamous for having a terrible looking wife.
Well, she's just old.
Yeah.
And that's cool.
So you look at Hugh Jackman and his ugly old wife, and you think, he's a good guy.
He didn't trade her in for a younger model like a lot of rich, famous people do.
And I bet the bleachers guy thought, if I date Lena Dunham for like a year, I'll get the currency where I can now have the most vapid, big-titted blonde, and people will think that I'm still a good guy and I'm not a shallow creep.
They're old.
They're in their 60s.
I thought you just used him as a throwaway example, but he actually does work.
Okay, let's not be so pictorial in a podcast.
Let's save the picture stuff for the show.
Look up his girlfriend now.
I bet she's insanely hot.
But anyway.
Constantly being naked.
Tweeting a photo of herself wearing a scarf around her head like a hijab.
Jesus Lord.
I mean, I feel sorry for Lena Dunham at this point.
Can you imagine?
Like, how could you live up to standards?
They were mad at her for having an all-white cast.
They're mad at her for having a black cast.
Now she can't wear something like a hijab?
God forbid.
Accusing a Spanish magazine of airbrushing her photos, it did not.
What are we- where are we at now?
She was mistaken, okay?
Is that racist?
What does that mean?
I don't even get why you would be mad about that.
That's like other horrible things she's done.
Missed the train, or dropped a whole thing of hot coffee on someone's leg.
Is his new girlfriend hot?
Yeah, he was dating a lord for a little bit, and then now he's dating a model.
Yeah, you see?
It's like the stock market.
He needs his reputation to be good.
And it's funny, like Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth, he did the opposite.
So he had the coolest wife, Kim Gordon, the coolest wife in the world, and then she started getting old and he went, eh, I'm gonna just screw this intern and started dating a girl that's like 30 years younger than him.
His reputation is ruined.
Everyone sees him now as the guy who abandoned Kim Gordon for some young girl.
Go ahead.
That Lena Dunham article was Jewish or dog.
It was about her boyfriend at the time, which was that guy, Antonio... What's his face?
The Bleachers guy?
The guy from Bleachers, yeah.
He's Jewish?
That was about him.
Is he Jewish?
Oh, yeah.
He's Jewish and his name's Antonio?
No, that might be his last name.
Oh.
I just said that up.
Hi, I'm Herschel Antonio.
I'm from the Jewish part of Sicily.
Alright, we're constantly in between photos.
Comparing Bill Cosby to the Holocaust.
Yeah, that's terrible.
Jack Antonoff.
Jack Antonoff.
Oh, that makes more sense.
Uh, never use the Holocaust in an analogy, obviously.
But, she was being hyperbolic.
That's the only really genuinely bad one I've seen so far.
So, she shouldn't have said that.
Whatever.
Giving Horvath a brown baby at the end of Girls.
Um, isn't Horovath- I assume that Horovath is a brown person.
Like, did she have two white people have a brown baby come out?
That's just biologically wrong.
I don't understand this.
And here's where it gets even weirder.
And then in brackets they say, and casting a baby that was Puerto Rican and Haitian, not half Pakistani, as the script dictated.
Do you know how hard it is to get a baby?
Clint Eastwood, in that movie about the guy who was shot, that awesome sniper, I forget what it was called.
In that movie, Clint Eastwood couldn't get a baby.
So, they made the baby plastic, and it ruined the movie for me.
It's a really- American Sniper, maybe?
It's a really good movie, except they have a plastic child in it!
And he's Clint Eastwood!
I hear he's notoriously cheap.
American Sniper.
He ruined the movie.
Like, wait a day.
It's so obviously a plastic baby.
So yeah, I'm sorry I didn't get the exact Puerto Rican and Haitian and not half Pakistani.
That's pretty darn good.
If you get a half-black Hispanic when you're doing a half-Pakistani.
In fact, I bet if you met a guy who was half-Pakistani and he told you that he was Puerto Rican and Haitian, you'd believe him.
You go, well, your hair's pretty straight for a Haitian, but otherwise, I buy it.
Look at this, this cast of, this list of sins.
Comparing the reading of negative Jezebel coverage, which was brutal, to getting beaten in the face by an abusive husband.
Okay, maybe I'm, the Holocaust thing was terrible, but in this one, she's clearly being hyperbolic.
Like, you're killing, bullshitting.
I was arguing about this with someone the other day where they go, When you say things, though, and you say they're jokes, you're hiding behind the humor.
And I go, no, I'm just being colorful.
Like when Trump says that he can, he could shoot someone on 56th Street, middle of 56th Street, and get away with it.
He's not going to literally run around like Jesse James, assassinating people on the streets of New York.
And no, he couldn't get away with it.
He's just saying in a colorful way that he has a lot of support from people.
And she's saying in a colorful way that they really hurt her.
Like, we used to say that all the time.
AIDS.
How do you feel?
Dude, I have AIDS today.
When you have a really bad hangover.
Well, you're trivializing AIDS.
I would be if I seriously meant that my hangover is as bad as dying from acquired immune deficiency syndrome.
If I was making a formal statement, yes, that would be denigrating to the millions of people who died from that horrible disease.
It's called The way we all talk in bars.
The way you talk to your brother when you're alone with him.
That's what it's getting to, too.
You're only allowed to speak when you're alone and in a safe space, and you know the person won't be telling anyone that you said these horrible exaggerations.
Ooh, exaggerations!
I'm so scared!
Oh, this is one of my favorite ones.
Accusing NFL player Odell Beckham Jr.
of not wanting to sleep with her.
That's exactly what happened.
She was at a game and Odell Beckham Jr.
was ignoring her.
And she was like, he'd never want to sleep with me.
That's just an accurate statement.
He was ignoring her.
He does have absolutely no interest in sleeping with her.
We all have eyeballs.
He's a eight.
She's a... I feel generous saying five.
I'm going to go with 4.8.
And eights don't fuck 4.8s, especially Odell Beckham Jr., who's probably the most famous football player in the country right now.
And he's also got the blonde hair thing.
So he's, you know, he's at fashion shows and hipsters want to sleep with him.
It's not just like, you know, jock chicks that find him attractive.
He's popular and cool.
He's got like Pharrell status.
I sound like I'm kissing his ass a little too hard here, right?
I don't want to sleep with him, don't get me wrong.
But someone of that level of popularity is not interested in Lena Dunham, and she merely pointed that out, and I don't know what the charge here is.
Is that racist?
No, it's factist.
Saying she disliked India because of visible poverty.
What the fuck's the matter with that?
Robin Quivers, is that her name?
I always confuse her with Robin Givens.
Robin Quivers, who's, by the way, I'm reading her autobiography, and it is amazing.
She was raped by her dad.
All of these people did horrible things to her, but she sort of, she became kind of anti-white when she was in college, because some friend turned her back on her in a party.
And, uh, um, she was pretty radical.
Like, she was, she's obsessed with Muhammad Ali, and she's really into the Black Panthers and stuff.
Like, in col- I guess everyone in college is radical, right?
She's, has she shown her tits a lot before?
Is that photoshopped?
Why would she do that?
She's pretty kind of square.
She's a military chick.
She was in the military.
I think it's fake.
Anyway, so she went to India.
I'm talking about Robin now.
She went to India.
She got in the car and they took her to the hotel.
She got out of the taxi and Got back in the taxi and said, take me back to the airport.
She was in India for half an hour.
Total.
And, you know, it's probably a 15-hour plane ride, so 30 hours for half... It is pretty darn disgusting there.
And I know people who go there a lot, and they said, one of the problems with all this public defecation, and they have, like, huge ad campaigns to say, please stop shitting in the street.
One of the problems is, it also rains like crazy there.
So you have feces all over the roads and then it pours with rain and now there's wet feces and then a truck drives by and splashes it all over you.
So you're constantly being battered with diarrhea.
Now, is that dirty?
Maybe I gotta get my Webster's.
But is having diarrhea hurled at you dirty?
Is that, uh, uncomfortable?
India, like, they wash in the Yangtze River, and there's bodies floating down.
You'll be washing your arms, I don't know why you're washing there, and there'll just be, like, a human hand float by.
It's India's biggest problem by far.
I mean, why poop is a big problem in India?
Cities and rural areas are like that.
Human feces is a major problem in India.
So I'm sorry if I said I don't like the visible poverty there.
What are you supposed to say?
The Taj Mahal is nice.
Yes, it is.
It's not all the Taj Mahal.
It's not all the Taj Mahal.
That should be on their license plates.
Oh my god, that would be a weird t-shirt.
If you had a picture of someone defecating in the street in India and it said, India, it's not all the Taj Mahal.
The city that never flushes.
The big crabble.
What we're saying right now is much more offensive than what she said.
I dislike India because of visible poverty.
Yes.
I think India dislikes the visible poverty.
And then here's my favorite one, and this sums up the whole poll quote, the whole list.
Apologizing, but never learning.
You know what you're just hearing right now?
You're hearing a cannibal.
That's how cannibals talk.
They sit there, these leftist cannibals, feeding on her corpse.
They got blood all over their chin, and she's apologizing and apologizing.
They look down at her bleeding cadaver, and they go, Yeah, you're apologizing, but you're not learning.
Just fat is falling off of their teeth.
Hey, why are you still eating her?
She apologized.
No, she wasn't learning.
I need more learning.
Yeah, yeah, she had a brown baby that was not exactly the right race.
Anyway, it gets crazier.
Cruel, cruel joke God played.
He gave her endometriosis and made it so painful that she didn't even want to wait to freeze her eggs.
Which sounds suspicious.
I mean, it doesn't take long to freeze your eggs.
I think God may be a jerk.
Hey God, if you're listening, that was a bit rich.
Tone it down a notch there, big guy.
Tone it down a notch.
I make fun of Lena Dunham all the time, but I didn't want her to lose her ovaries.
I wanted her to get just what I want for all women.
I want them to get a ring on it.
Be fulfilled.
5% of women I think shouldn't have kids.
95% should.
But when I look at my old high school pictures on Facebook before I was kicked off, I would see about 50% no kid rate.
And I grew up normal middle class in the burbs.
So, she's in Brooklyn, and Brooklyn obviously has different parts.
South Brooklyn is all working class, lots of cops.
Coney Island, you got all cops and retired firemen and all that stuff.
And it's Italian.
And then there's East New York, which is a murder a day, basically.
It's like South Central or South Side of Chicago.
Very fucking dangerous.
It's all black.
Then you have hipster Williamsburg, which is touching the Orthodox Jews and the Puerto Ricans are all sort of in one area.
Sort of obviously segregated, but And then the hipsters are sort of intertwangled into that.
But then you have places like Park Slope.
And that's where all the yuppies and the lesbians who adopted kids.
It's probably the most kid-friendly.
Probably because there's a big park there and there's... What's it called?
St.
Anne's?
A really good school there that costs a billion dollars a year.
I think it's like 40 grand a year to send your kid there.
Can you believe that?
Better be a hell of an education.
My kid better come out playing the piano and speaking Japanese without an accent.
So, she starts seeing all these prams.
And she, it reminds her of her infertility, and it depresses her.
So she's moving to the West Village.
Remember I said New York City's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries?
Isn't this a sad and cruel example?
I guess I'm being cruel just talking about it.
But the West Village, speaking of graveyards, is dead.
Here in New York City, the West Village used to be this vibrant, amazing, exciting place.
Beautiful, run by gays.
It's like, you know, the Jews got Israel.
Well, at Camp David, they decided that the gays could have the West Village.
By the way, the Jews stayed in Israel.
The gays in New York, they've taken over Hell's Kitchen.
I go to the Knights of Columbus meetings there, and I go to get a hamburger, and I see guys in leather pants with feather boas.
It looked like bad casting for a gay part of town.
Like, it looked like, you know, sometimes Canadian movies are just a little bit off.
It looked like a Canadian movie where they're doing a gay part of town, and you're just watching, you're going, oh, for crying out loud, a feather boa?
They don't wear feather boas.
What are you doing?
Um, yeah, and you see them holding hands and making out in the East Village, and you're like, you guys have your own entire neighborhood, what are you doing here?
But, I used to work down there, so we'd go out and drink, and there's this awesome bar, forget the name of it, I only know it by sight, and it's kind of hard to find anything there, because it's a maze, it's not a grid in the West Village.
But it was like Archie Bunker homosexuals.
So tough guys, smokes little tiny cigars outside, and they just fucking drink bud.
And they hate these little fucking twinks coming around here.
They never worked a day in their lives, these little fags.
You know, they don't know how to make out with a dude.
All they want is sex, they don't even know how to cuddle.
It's such a weird dichotomy, because you're seeing a typical old man dive bar, but there's like a rainbow flag, and they're listening to Vegas show tunes.
But that is all dying now.
The hospital closed down, there's a big hospital there, and the rents have just gone up and up and up.
And there's all these great little places that are shutting down.
There's a great tavern there called the White Horse Tavern, and it's got an incredible history to it.
Jack Kerouac used to hang out there, and Bob Dylan, and James Baldwin, and Hunter S. Thompson, and Jim Morrison, and Norman Mailer.
Norman Mailer, by the way, whose son I know, and his son's name is Johnny Buffalo.
That's my son's name.
And I go, what's it like growing up with the name Johnny Buffalo?
And he said, it's awesome, you get a lot of chicks.
Norman Mailer was fake dialing in Indian into his kid.
My kid has real Indian.
Any hizzle.
There's a great fight you gotta look up at home.
Rip Torn fighting Norman Mailer.
And Johnny Buffalo's in it.
He's a little four-year-old in it begging them to stop.
He's crying.
But they have a good old-fashioned baby boomer brawl.
Back before everyone called the cops on everything.
It's called... What's it called?
Rip Torn versus Norman Mailer.
Yeah, they're just getting a fight in a field.
It's so old-school, Dad.
There's wives hanging around.
They're all like hippies on a commune, but I guess hippies got ornery sometimes.
Anyway, you can look that up on your own time.
So the White Horse Tavern is still there, but Two Boots, I think the first Two Boots was there.
It's a great pizza place with all kinds of weird flavors.
It's gone.
The hospital's gone.
Two Boots is gone.
There was a Tex-Mex place that was there for a million fucking years.
It's gone.
And one of the saddest places, I'm a huge fry guy.
And there was a place called Assault and Battery.
And they would make fries the English way, the real way, like blanching them and hand-cutting them and letting them sit in water overnight to get the whatever it is out, the starch, and then deep-frying them.
Unbelievable.
The fish and chips at Assault and Battery are so good.
They're raising their rent like 50 grand.
They have a GoFundMe out.
Tea and Sympathy do.
Tea and Sympathy is the same as Assault and Battery.
They're both connected.
One sells, like, British trinkets and the other has fish and chips.
Awesome place.
They've got a GoFundMe campaign you should donate to if you care about anything New York.
Yeah, she said she owes about $60,000 in taxes and that the combined rent for the three businesses is $30,000 a month.
And the landlord has just said he's increasing everything.
These massive debts.
He's just thrust this tax bill on her.
So the reason I bring up all that is to say that if you go to the West Village now, you see a lot of empty storefronts.
It's lost a lot of its color.
I'm sure the Jezebel feminists will be happy with that.
They hate color, right?
And it's a lot of old people.
Not as many, like, there's, of course, it's still gay, but there's a lot of old people just sitting around, wandering around, and they're there because they have grandfathered in rents.
So they've probably been there since the 80s and they probably pay like $400 a month.
And their landlords are just staring at them waiting for them to die so they can go from 400 to 5,000 or 7,000 a month.
So it's about a bunch of people dying.
And then you have Lena Dunham in there and she says, I like being around old people.
I'm not reminded of my infertility.
And obviously I'm not saying when you promote select culture, your ovaries fall out of your body.
The truth of the matter is like a very hyperbolic metaphor come true.
But I am saying, in the cruel, just, poetic, it's not poetic justice, that's a horrible thing to say, this whole cruel irony is a better way to put it, is that she was part of this hipster culture which is all about ignoring your ovaries and just partying like sex in the city, and then she's wandering around the West Village with old people and no ovaries.
Like, that's a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
God is mean sometimes.
What a cruel joke to play on her.
And there she is abandoned.
And the way that all of her fellow feminists have been at her non-stop since she did all this, just punishing her again and again.
It's just so fucking harsh.
It goes to my theory that when women... Owen Benjamin talks about this.
He says women have this loving nature and they're more affectionate than men and they want to have kids.
But when you rip that away from them, they get malicious.
And the way Lena Dunham is treated by her fellow females, the way they cannibalize her corpse, and the way they say apologizing but never learning, it's just fucking sinister.
Just so cruel.
I mean, you broke her, guys.
Congratulations.
She's sick.
She lost her ability to give birth, and then you just kicked her when she was down, and now she's wandering around with old people.
Who's next?
Who's next on your list?
Who else are you gonna destroy so they can wander around aimlessly with a bunch of geriatrics who are literally waiting to die and surrounded with people who wish they would die today?
Poor girl.
Well, We'll see what happens with her, but as much as I hate every word that's ever come out of her- No, I don't hate every word that's ever come out of her mouth, sorry.
As much as I hate everything she stands for, I think her story is a good example of everything that's wrong with the left these days.
We really are splitting into two countries with irreconcilable differences, and the two countries do not see the same thing.
One side thinks the other half are Nazis, and the Nazi half thinks the other side is insane.
It's like Charles Krauthammer used to say, they think we're evil, we just think they're wrong.
And that's my extra-long Lena Dunham episode.
I like you more than a friend and now that I'm back from Jamaica I'm going to be doing these as regularly as I used to.
