Get Off My Lawn Podcast #91 | Should Louis CK be allowed to do comedy?
Louis CK masturbated in front of two women who gave him persmission. For that, many believe he deserves the $35m nosedive his career took. Roseanne made an unfortunate joke she claims had nothing to do with race. For that, she loses control of her life story. Sometimes it gets much worse, the kangaroo courts of social media can get you charged with rape and all kinds of other crimes. How we don't pillory people for jokes and consensual sex and if a real crime occurrs, go to the cops?
I was looking at Twitter and someone said, uh, they said Louis C.K.
is, uh, Louis C.K.
claims he lost 35 million dollars in an hour.
And, you know, as someone who's made money over the years, I go, Jesus, dude.
That's a lot of money.
$35 million.
The interest on that alone is like $400,000 a year.
You could just live on the interest of $400,000.
You know, if you had it in the stock market.
That's all gone?
Well, you must have raped a kid.
Uh, no.
My sexual proclivity, and I'm not talking about myself here, folks.
Please don't take it out of context.
Millennials are really good at taking things out of context to fit their bizarre narrative.
His sexual proclivity was, I would like to masturbate now, in front of you.
Feel free to leave.
It's a pretty big part of that.
Like Harvey Weinstein cornered Lauren Savant in the basement of a restaurant and just started masturbating.
He's such a big hulking hulk, big tub of shit, that as he's beating off, she can't get around him.
So you kind of have to either take on this monolithic wanker, I guess if you're ejaculating into a plant, it is finishing, right?
What Louis C.K.
did was consensual.
I'm not defending it, by the way.
I remember hearing about it.
Remember Tom Shalhoub too, he said, he said, uh, masturbating in front of someone is very unusual.
It's not that unusual in the comedy scene.
Like these guys are beta male loser nerds who could never get laid and probably because they're mostly manic depressives, right?
And then they come up with this pretty smart solution.
I'm going to find the humor in everything.
And then when we go to comedy clubs, It's like we're taking Prozac but we're not depressed.
So we laugh our heads off.
We can't believe how funny this is.
But the sad part of stand-up comedy is that guy on stage is coming up with these quirky takes in order not to die.
In order not to kill himself.
He's trying to, you know that whole thing you have to laugh or else you'll cry?
He literally has to do that.
And that's why they don't laugh.
And I've noticed that hanging out with comedians, not that that happens anymore, but back when I used to, they'd never laugh their heads off.
I remember I was hanging with Kristen Schaal once, and I said something unbelievably hilarious, and she just goes, that's very funny.
That was very, very funny.
Not a smirk, not a laugh.
And I've hung out with Fred Armisen and David Cross obviously, Bob Odenkirk, all those dudes.
You never really see them like buckled over.
I guess David Cross you'd see slap his knee occasionally, but for the most part they're a pretty stoic bunch.
And I think that's because a lot of them are depressed.
Anyway.
So they finally start getting popular and they get this Robert Crumb syndrome where they want to get revenge on all the previous years that they were a nobody.
Like Howard Stern has a lot of this.
He has real contempt for the alpha male and the jock.
It's weird because it was black guys who were beating the crap out of him his whole life, but there's no animosity there.
His animosity is to any white guy who sort of flexes his muscles.
He hates that.
And you'll notice that's why Howard Stern has so many sort of sad sacks around him.
That he can just abuse.
Like Richard and... What's his other guy's name?
JT?
And they just make fun of how his voice is garbled or he's a southerner.
Haha, your dad eats foxes.
And I love listening to Howard Stern, by the way, and I think it's sort of cool to bash him and trivialize what he did.
I'm amazed at what he's done, and I think he's making $90 million a year because he deserves it.
No one deserves $90 million a year.
Yes, we're in a free market, dumbass.
And I think part of his deal is not only does he do his radio show, but you also get all his content when he retires.
So it ends up being a good investment because like a thousand years after he's dead, you have millions of hours of content that you can just keep looping around, looping around.
After the whole planet's gone, you could just have, maybe aliens will come down here and they'll just think, oh, this was a planet where you just listened to Howard Stern all day.
And it's still pretty edgy.
I know he sold out, he threw Alex Jones under the bus, and I'll never forgive him for that.
But as far as driving down the street and listening to content, there's some pretty good bits.
Like, do you ever hear the time high-pitched Eric was duped into going on a white power show?
So, they just had another studio in Sirius, maybe they put up a Nazi poster or something, and they told him that he's on a, uh, they got him on a show, it's a white power show, um, and to try to knock the, rock the boat, because they could be, uh, We share the same advertisers.
Something like that, where they made him say, like, it'll be cool.
So they get in there, and they just start, you know, starts out normal, and then soon it's going, white power!
And he, Eric, just dives right into it.
He's like, white power!
White power!
Yeah, fuckin' rights!
And you're listening to that in your car on Sirius, and you're like, this is an advanced prank.
Like, this is up there.
So...
I saw this tweet, we know the whole story with Louis, right?
So he would do that, he'd masturbate in front of a woman, consensually.
I don't consider that rape, I consider that tacky.
And then these two girls, I don't know, ten years later, they come out during the whole Me Too thing, and they go, he was beating off.
And because he's kind of an idol of ours, we felt compelled to stand there.
That is the loosest case for rape I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't object to you sexually assaulting me because I think you're cool.
So that's why I stood there and said, okay.
For guys, gay guys, that's a great thing about living in New York City too, is you hear all these stories and you go, yeah, I've been around homos a lot.
And when, and they often say shit like that.
And even when you look up to them, you go, yeah, no, we're not doing that.
But I'll meet you later.
You don't just stand there going, okay, this is awkward as some bald Mexican-Jewish guy is going, oh yeah, oh boy.
Like, where does it just land?
On the ground?
And then what?
They go, we're gonna go now.
And he's like, yeah, bye.
That's not my cup of tea.
Don't get me wrong, but it's perfectly legal and consensual and not really worth $35,000,000.
You know, remember there was that family where their son was on a water slide, this is within the past year, and he was hurling down and it was badly designed anyway, it decapitated their son.
I want to throw up just saying that out loud.
That family got $20,000,000.
That was their settlement from the water parks insurance company.
Louis C.K.
deserves 35 million dollars because someone felt compelled to watch him masturbate?
What fucking world are we living on?
And I'm looking at the comments, and I, you know what, I'm 48, I gotta get off of these, um, cause I'm looking at the brains of 20 year olds, I'm looking at the brains of kids, and maybe I was that stupid when I was that age, but they're all like, cry me a river, oh poor baby, ooh, and then there's all these gifs of the world's tiniest violin, And I think it's because the less you've accomplished, the more you trivialize other people's accomplishments.
I am not a big, like, I can separate politics.
Like, with the Howard Stern thing, I'm pissed that he threw Alex Jones under the bus, and I thought that was a real hypocritical thing for him to do, but I can still enjoy the show.
With Louis C.K., I'm pissed that he glorified his divorce.
He had this whole bit where he said, you should never go up to someone and say, sorry to hear about your divorce.
If they got divorced, they just got out of a terrible marriage.
You should give them a high five.
Well, you're apparently a pervert that beats off in front of other comedians, so it sounds like you may be fucked up the marriage.
Which is- which happens, you know.
Lots of- 50% of marriages are fucked up.
And I always blame the guy, by the way.
I know that sounds misandrist.
And I know the MGTOW guys are mad, but...
Marriage is like that boat in Cape Fear that De Niro's on.
You're going through a storm and there's someone on the boat trying to kill your whole family.
You have to steer that boat.
You have to take care of the guys trying to kill your family and you have to keep that boat on the water.
If the boat crashes, you fucked up somehow.
Maybe you let her drive.
Maybe there was a hole in it and you didn't get fixed.
Whatever it is, you fucked up.
Let me give you another analogy for that.
Say there's a date that you go on, and you took her to the movies, you took her to a beautiful dinner, you weren't too handsy, you politely walked her home, and she had a terrible time, and you were talking the whole time, and you wanted to hear about her, you didn't just talk about yourself, which is very rare in New York City.
Every time I overhear dates in New York, I just hear people, men talking about themselves.
But say that chick had a bad time.
You fucked up.
Now you'll go, what?
I took her to the movie.
We had a nice dinner.
I did all, I checked off all the boxes.
She's the customer.
And if she had a shitty time, maybe she's like a weirdo goth.
You know, maybe she would have liked to go to some abandoned lot and like climb up a thing.
I don't know.
You've got to feel out your client and see what she wants.
And it's the same with marriage.
You got to go, okay, this chick isn't into this kind of thing.
She likes adventure.
She wants to travel.
I gotta factor in traveling into the budget.
I gotta suggest we go this place.
Or maybe she's not that kind of person.
Maybe she's a homebody.
Okay, let's take it easy on the vacations.
Let's make sure we have some time at home.
Let's not make too many plans.
70% of divorce is instituted by women, but I'd like to see the stats on how many women are driven to it by apathy.
Like, I hear these cases sometimes of women complaining that their husbands don't want to fuck them.
That doesn't quite fit in my brain.
You're at a restaurant and you're a fat pig and you don't want to eat anything?
What?
You're probably using porn in that case.
Anyway, that's a long tangent to say that that pissed me off about Louis C.K.
He's got a lot of influence and I don't like him bragging about his divorce.
Kevin Hart does that too.
But that last special I was watching, the last one he did, I forget what it's called, I think he talks about Does he talk about his boat?
Or maybe that was on that Seinfeld show, Comedians in Cars, or maybe it was both.
But I was watching it, and it was so good that I felt cool being part of the generation that listens to Louis C.K.
You know a comedian is good when he makes you cool for being live in that era.
Like, Baby Boomer, I remember listening to it and thinking, alright Boomers, you got Richard Pryor, alright super old Boomers, you got Bill Cosby, who ruined it, so you don't even get that anymore.
But I was kinda jealous of Richard Pryor, the Richard Pryors, and we kinda had, Gen X, we kinda had Eddie Murphy, but we still get Louis C.K.
as ours.
That's sort of our span.
When we were 14, we were watching Eddie Murphy, now that we're 48, we're watching Louis C.K.
Those are all ours.
And I thought, um, Wow, what a cool stand-up comedy time to live in.
Like he had this one bit where he goes, you know, people talk about abortion and they say, it's killing a baby.
It's like, it's not killing a baby.
It's killing something that's pre, like it's not quite a baby.
It's, it's not killing a baby.
It's killing something that, and then he just goes, it's killing a baby.
It's killing a baby.
I don't know why I thought that was so fucking hilarious.
I guess because it was a pro-life joke, and I'm not necessarily trying to get political here, but it's just nice to hear a comedian say something that's not perfectly in line with the narrative.
You know what I mean?
I mean, in my day, they would hop all over the place.
The old SNLs, and even up to the 90s, even early 2000s, I'd say, they'd sort of hop all over the place.
Now, comedy has to be right down the line.
Toe the company line.
And I just thought, oh good, a comedian hopping around.
And he's a big Hillary guy, don't get me wrong.
So I'm not saying I liked it because he's a MAGA dude, finally.
But I liked it that he would dare stray.
And it's a funny fucking joke to be trying to argue your way out of something ethically and then realize you're full of shit.
So, yeah, I looked that up.
And the same thing true with Roseanne.
Vice did a thing about Roseanne that I saw on social media.
And I had to just make that clear that I wasn't watching the actual show.
And she looked pretty sad.
And she's a very honest woman.
I've talked to her a few times.
She's a real salt-of-the-earth gal.
I was kind of disappointed in her house, though.
Didn't she have the biggest sitcom on earth?
I thought it should be kind of bigger.
It looked like my nana's house.
But she's looking pretty distraught and she said the accusation of racism made her stomach hit the floor.
She's sitting there smoking cigarettes.
She started smoking again.
Her contention is, by the way, that she didn't know Valerie Jarrett was black.
Valerie Jarrett does not look black to me.
She looks like one of the female chipmunks from the cartoon.
She looks like a chipette.
And then you look at her parents, and they don't look very black.
Not all blacks look black.
Rosa Parks, to me, looks more American Indian than black.
And I even looked up Rosa Parks' parents, and they don't look black.
Very, very light-skinned.
So, the idea that it was an ape joke is kind of a stretch.
And also, she dresses kind of weird, as all politicians do, like Hillary always looks like she's some sort of bureaucrat from Star Trek.
And Valerie Jarrett has that same sort of like cloaks and stuff and long lines like some sort of authoritarian from the 70s show Logan's Run.
She's got a real sci-fi vibe to her.
As does Dr. Zaius.
Dr. Zaius isn't that apey?
Just really like the very front of her face.
So they had a new woman there, a black woman working at, was it ABC?
And she just fired her in a day.
Of course the Connors is bombing.
But just like the Louis C.K.
thing, um, all the millennials were like, good.
Rot in hell, bitch.
That's what you fucking get.
There's this really weird apathy.
And this could be just like an age thing.
Maybe because I have kids, I have more empathy.
But, uh, I've noticed these young people, like, yeah, he worked his whole life to build something.
And, uh, it was, you know, homes for the homeless.
But he said the N-word, and then they had to burn it down.
Good.
Fucking racists die.
That just seems a little egregious to me.
Should your life be... I don't know, I think Louis will always be the guy who beat off.
And his daughters will be the daughters of the guy who beat off.
You know, I bet there's tons of rock stars and handsomer guys, like Vince Neil probably beat off in front of a bunch of chicks.
He probably wouldn't even ask.
Or Brad Pitt, or some of these... Benicio Del Toro?
He probably did it.
And she was like, whatever, I gotta go.
Wait, didn't Dove Charney do that?
Voluntarily, all the time?
And the girls were just like, classic Dove.
35 million.
Actually, Dove Charney suffered a similar fate.
For the same kind of thing, consensual sex.
I mean, I don't think we're that hard on actual rapists.
I think most rapists are looking at like 8 to 15 years in prison.
Is 8 years in prison worse than 35 million?
It's definitely, you know, we're floating around the same kind of vibes.
35 million gone, 8 years in prison.
I'm sure a lot of people would, it would be a tough call for them.
Especially younger people who've never fucking done anything in their lives.
And, you know, however you feel about it, The idea that you just sort of shrug it off, you're going to be there too, you know.
You're going to make some sort of mistake.
I was doing this thing, we were at a bar the other day with some friends and we were just scrolling through our phones and we would just scroll through people and then hit a name.
Oh no, sorry, this is what we do.
We tried that actually and I don't know anyone on my fucking contacts.
Are you the same way?
I've had this number for a long ass time.
This is a different phone I'm talking about, by the way.
My personal phone.
The one that got doxxed was my business phone.
And I don't know these people.
Uh, like Keira Beckman.
No idea who that is.
Dan Bedford.
Jim B. Sean Beetlejuice.
Oh shit, I wonder if that's the guy who looks after Beetlejuice.
Brian Belotech.
He was a director, I think, that worked with Spike Jonze.
Anyway, I don't know any of these people.
But you go to your recents, and you go through your recent calls, and I guarantee you, pretty much everyone there, uh, has some sort of PC moment where everything seemed like it was over.
Like even just on my phone here, Trace Crutchfield.
Very liberal guy, actually maybe a socialist dude.
Bernie bro.
Hates Trump.
You know, he's not politically correct, but he's down with the liberal side, and he hates Republicans, hates conservatives.
We still keep in touch, we just avoid politics mostly.
Hates Ted Cruz, even though he's Texan, which breaks my heart in two, but whatever.
But even him!
He was watching a soccer game, and he used to do this sort of Twitter feed for our buddy's bar, the Long Branch Inn, I think it was.
He had two bars.
The Shoot was the other one?
Anyway, it was one of those.
And he ran the Twitter feed.
And it was great.
You know, he's a Texan.
He loves what everyone in Texas loves.
And Mexico was playing somewhere like Spain.
And in the World Cup.
And he tweets back, Go Mexico!
Not tweets back.
He tweets, Go Mexico!
And then his other tweet was, We're all wetbacks now!
Meaning, we're all supporting Mexico.
Because, even though they're a different country, they're more American than the Spanish, so we go with, we choose that side.
So, it was pro-Mexican, but yeah, it used an epithet, I guess.
Huge backlash, traces, and the restaurant owners aren't friends, I don't know if they ever got over it.
Boycott the restaurant for using the word wetback.
I mean, it was a major deal.
And that's just me glancing at my phone right now.
So, all you people with the little violin laughing at Roseanne and Louie, who are far more accomplished than you'll ever be, I promise you that, show a little reverence, maybe?
And here's the other problem.
You totally trivialize real rape cases.
I know that's become a cliché, but it's true.
I'm at the point now, like, it used to be, in the old days, you'd hear, oh, Suzanne was raped.
Okay, well, let's get the balaclavas and get in the Chevy Nova and grab some baseball bats and go kill him.
Now, you hear someone's raped and you go, yeah, hold on, so what's going on now?
Can I hear the whole, can I talk to her?
When was this?
And you have to find out what it was.
Oh, he beat off in front of you with your consent and then you didn't like it later?
Yeah, we're not getting in the car.
The ski mask is staying in the, with the other ski clothes, maybe till December.
And then you say, okay, what are the parameters of sexual harassment?
Because now it's just, it's basically anything.
The two deals with sexual harassment are quid pro quo and you allowed for an atmosphere of sexuality.
I remember hearing about a case where there was a guy who had a picture of a woman in a bikini and he got a complaint from HR.
He was in Times Square.
No, he's on a, was it Union Square?
No, it was more like by the Flatiron building.
So that's like 34th, I guess, in Midtown, in Manhattan.
And he gets complaints about this woman in a bikini on his desk.
Picture of her.
And he goes, that's my fucking wife and we're on our honeymoon.
I'm happily married.
I like looking at her.
She's mine.
And he had to like put it face down.
And he goes, look outside the window.
There's a Victoria's Secret ad on this billboard that you can see from the window.
That's also sort of in my office.
It's in your line of sight.
We're allowed to have that?
So that second part where it's just like this atmosphere of sexuality and I remember getting in trouble because a long time ago there was this guy we were working with and this is when Vice was owned by a corporate.
Just been taken over by this big corporate thing right after we moved to New York and we had this buyer because we were doing online selling.
We're going to be the new Amazon.
Very ambitious, this billionaire that invested in us.
And they said, this is going to be the buyer.
And I met him.
Whatever.
Nice guy.
Very gay.
And they said, so what did you think of him?
Because you're going to be working with him a lot.
And I go, sure, he's great.
I love faggots.
And I didn't mean it like, yeah, he's great.
I love faggots.
It was like a joke.
Like, sure, I love fat guys.
I'm a chubby chaser.
That kind of vibe.
But I had to go to HR, and she told me I had to sit with a lawyer in another building.
And she said, you can only talk about people's traits if it pertains to work.
Like, this person's late a lot, that's fine.
But this person gets late a lot, that's not fine.
Or even, this person's tall.
That doesn't pertain to work, so you can't say that.
What kind of environment are we creating for ourselves here?
This isn't fun.
I like to riff.
You know, I grew up in the 70s and the 80s, where you just talk about what a fat pig your friend is and then hold his fat and go, look at how fucking fat you are.
Or my whole life with my weak chin, all my friends would be like, you're just a worm.
You're just a worm with hair on top.
You look like you're a Richard Scarry character.
You're in a children's book.
You're called the Little Worm Boy.
And I would laugh my head off.
Now we're taking all that away?
Well, now you're taking fun away.
And that's kind of why Louis C.K.
is getting those small violins, because they don't respect humor.
Did you know there's a thing at the Comedy Cellar in New York where you... This is a thing.
It's new because of Louis C.K.
It's the Louis C.K.
rule that if you go in there and he does a surprise set, you make it up and get your money back.
He's not fucking Jack the Ripper.
I would kind of understand if he was a rapist.
You know, like Roman Polanski or Harvey Weinstein or Michael Jackson, the pedophile.
I would understand.
Hey, I don't want to sit here anymore.
I want my money back.
I didn't know you're gonna be bringing pedophiles in.
That makes sense to me.
But what did the guy actually do?
And by the way, speaking of Roman Polanski, you know that Led Zeppelin and David Bowie and Keith Moon from The Who, they were all fucking the same 14-year-old girl?
You know that, right?
I'm not advocating that.
I think that's gross.
But we tend to pick and choose our outrage here quite a bit.
And I think, you know what I wish?
I wish people would be pissed at him for glorifying divorce.
Wouldn't that be cool?
If we had so much reverence for marriage that people would get up and go, yeah he's a funny comedian but I, sorry, when he's up there I just think about how he likes his divorce and I think about his two daughters and it pisses me off.
I want my money back.
That would be kind of cool.
But no, it's he masturbated in front of someone who said they were okay with it, but then later said they felt like they should say that because he's a famous guy.
What the fuck?
That's stupid.
Anyway, sorry.
So to get back to what the parameters should be.
You should be able to make totally inappropriate jokes.
They're just words.
Give it out and then take it.
I mean, I've worked with women all my life.
I've never had an HR complaint, I don't think.
And I say terrible stuff.
Like at Rebel, I used to do, and I'd do it at other jobs, I would do this thing where I'd undo my pants, like undo my belt and my pocket, I mean my front button, and then I'd walk and then let my pants fall down and go, God damn it, and pretend I was super embarrassed, and I'd go, this fucking belt!
It wasn't like a sexual thing where I'd pull down my pants and go, you like that?
It was like a Jim Carrey kind of a... There's actually a British sitcom called Some Mothers Do Have Em with this character Frank who is a bumbling clown.
It's that kind of joke.
It pretty much always gets a laugh.
Oh, I did get an HR complaint.
I think I told you about it before at Fox News.
I was getting a microphone put up my shirt and the thing I like to do to makeup artists and sound people is pretend they're hurting me because they're an inch from your face so they're very easy to scare.
So when they come up with like some sort of foundation I just go Ow, Jesus!
Easy, that's hot!
And it makes them jump.
And so when they put the mic up your shirt, they're going up your bare shirt, and I go, oh Jesus, that's freezing!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
And I pretend I can't believe how cold it is, and that makes them jump, and it gets a laugh.
And, uh, I said, uh, the addendum I like to do to that is, uh, at least my gynecologist can warm his forceps up first.
And that usually gets a laugh out of chicks, because apparently that's a thing.
The tongs they put in you are too cold, so they're like, oh, he knows about our vagina cold thing.
And that gets a laugh.
And then I took it too far.
I may have had a couple whiskeys before this particular segment.
And I said, drunk with the attention of the last two gets, I go, I can feel my cunt lips crawling in my body!
That got an HR complaint.
I would think I was banned from the building for six months.
But that was hardly sexual, you know?
It was hardly like, hey, what's your name?
You know, I don't have a pussy, but if I did, I could probably feel my cunt lips crawling into my body.
You know what I mean?
You like that?
Men seducing women is just so comical to me.
Like, how can you do it without sort of the, like, grab, I love you, that sort of, like, conquistador thing?
But, like, just talking?
I don't know.
I actually can now think of some scenarios, but to say them on this microphone would be so queer.
So, joking around, even if there's a slight sexual connotation, as long as you're not trying to seduce the person, that should be off the books.
Okay, so now we're getting into quid pro quo.
If you blow me, you get a raise, or you'll do better.
Now, my gut says that should be illegal, right?
Of course, that's logical.
But I read an article once that said, how about nothing?
How about, obviously there's assault laws that we have in the books, and if you grab a woman's ass at work, same as you grab a woman's ass on the street.
Any unwanted touch is assault.
So we obviously already have the laws for that.
But why have different laws at work?
Like, and it kind of changed my mind.
If I had a gay boss, and he said, you know, if you let me blow you, you could be the president of the company.
I'd go, huh, tempting, but, uh, no, thank you.
Like, I don't think I'd have nightmares.
Yeah, but it's a different dichotomy, Gavin.
With men and women, men hold power in society.
Yeah, okay, that's a fair point.
I gotcha.
But that's the only thing I can do to fantasize.
And then I, you know, I did that other podcast where I talked about when women did have more power than us, like when I started the magazine, and all the marketing women, all the marketing people who could sell us the ads were women, and they had power over us, and they ended up sleeping with us.
Now, it's different an old cougar making a young man have sex with her than some old Harvey Weinstein.
Making some pretty young girl have sex with him.
I got that.
But sometimes I wonder if the whole idea of sexual harassment, and I had to sleep with him for this role, should just be eradicated.
And we should just stick with the law.
And that also goes for the idea of, you know, demanding money for it.
I guess I've already talked about this a bunch, so I'm repeating myself.
Like, I just feel that with the law, we went back to the Magna Carta, and we had tons of trial and error.
Right up until, I mean, we only let women vote very recently.
We've been trying things, and changing them, and making addendums, and that's why we have all these precedent-setting cases in a court of law.
Because we go, well, actually this was the precedent-setting case.
When you say something is a precedent-setting case, you're really talking about thousands of years.
You're saying, yeah, we tried this, this, this, this, this, and this, and we got to here.
And I'm starting to think these social justice warriors don't like justice.
Because, like, take Mattress Girl, for example.
I think what happened there was she was having doggy-style sex, and it went into the poop hole.
And she said no, and maybe he went a couple pumps more than he should have, or maybe he took it out right away.
She claims that's rape.
Now, there's a Mindy Kaling episode where her boyfriend, who might be... No, it's not BJ Novak.
That was The Office.
But her boyfriend in the show, Mindy Kaling's show, exact same story, and he goes a little too far.
Maybe he does 10 pumps in the bad spot.
And so the joke in this comedy show is she says, you knew you were in the wrong place.
I was telling you.
And he goes, I didn't know.
I pulled out as soon as I did.
And that whole episode is her trying to catch him on a lie to see if he was fibbing about him not knowing that he was in the wrong spot.
So Mattress Girl's Nightmare is a Mindy Kaling's hilarious bit.
So what Mattress Girl does there, I forget her real name.
She's the child of rich New York psychiatrists and those girls are always messed up.
What's her name?
How to Wreck Your Life chick.
God, I suck with names.
She's one of my best friends.
She used to write for Vice.
She's the child of a psychiatrist.
She actually turned out okay, but she did have a pretty rocky road with drug addiction and all this other stuff.
I have to find out who that is, sorry.
God, I hate this.
You guys better get ready when you get old to never remember who you're talking about.
This is a woman I've probably talked to for 50 hours.
How to wreck your life.
And her name is...
Oh no, I even got the name of the book wrong.
How to Ruin?
Vice Book?
Oh Jesus, I'm the worst.
Oh God, this is annoying.
Cat Marnell!
Now I'll get a hundred texts on my work phone that say Kat Marnell.
I might just edit that out and post.
Anyway, she survived.
But this chick, Mattress Girl, she was still in the tarnished phase of growing up with psychiatrists.
And what psychiatrists do is they make you drug addicts when you're a kid.
There's this thing going on at my kid's school where if kids are too rambunctious, which is always boys, then they get punished with their grades.
Okay?
How do I avoid that?
Well, take him to a psychiatrist, and if he's diagnosed with ADD, then we can't penalize him because it's a disease.
You're not going to penalize someone for having a disease, so his rambunctiousness is a mental illness.
Oh, okay.
Well, whatever gets his grades up.
So you go to the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist goes, yep, he has ADD.
Here's Ritalin.
So now the school is saying, we will penalize your son and ruin his academic future unless you get him hooked on fucking speed.
How come there's not more articles about that?
How come we spend so much time talking about Trump saying the word horse face when there's children addicted to disease?
Big Pharma is a dead zone in the media.
Nothing to hear about Big Pharma.
And it is...
Brainwashing children, turning them into zombies.
How about this?
How about an article on all the mass shooters and what exactly their medication was?
I haven't seen that mentioned once.
Every mugshot of these mass shooters, these kids, they've got some weird bowl cut and golf balls for eyes.
And it's always, what kind of, did he have a bump stock?
Where did his mom get the gun?
Where did his mom get the drugs, is what I want to know.
Anyway, Mattress Girl carries this mattress around and ruins this guy's life.
Kangaroo Court.
So what I'm trying to say here is these social justice warriors have a justice system.
It's all right there.
I know it's imperfect and I'm not bananas about the incarceration rates, believe me.
Abolish prisons.
I think, I think 5% of the people in prison are incompatible with society.
95% is the drug war, bad circumstances, welfare, shattering the black family.
There's a tons of other nurture reasons.
I think nature 5% deserve to be in prison and our prisons could be a lot fucking smaller and a lot more humane.
Anyway, um I think these social justice warriors don't like justice because it's too just, and they can't have their little agenda.
And I think this happened with Mattress Girl.
I heard from a friend, an insider, that she went to the police, and they said, okay, well, that's what we're here for.
We're here to catch bank robbers, rapists, bad guys, murderers.
That's what I went to the police academy for.
Not, by the way, to catch people who do U-turns and fucking smoke pot, but whatever.
I'll do my job.
You know, you get made fun of at the precinct if you walk in with a perp who just smoked a joint.
If you walk in with a perp who had a gun with hollow point shells, you're a hero.
Anyway, um... So she goes to the NYPD, I've heard.
I don't want to get sued for this.
And they look, and they go, okay, let's start going through it.
First of all, let's check all the correspondence, all your social media, let's get your computer out, let's see all your DMs, blah blah blah, let's see your texts.
And then they see these texts.
Afterwards, Saying, do you want to come to this party on Friday?
And he's like, no thanks.
She goes, you can fuck me in the ass.
This is the story I believe the way it went.
I am very sure that the fuck me in the ass, I'm not positive where it went, but I am very sure that she was sending him flirtatious texts after the alleged rape.
Now, I've never been raped, but I'm guessing you're not big on texting the guy afterwards, no?
And I was told that the cops said, just get the fuck out of here or you're going to be facing some serious criminal charges.
I don't think cops like busting fake rape allegations because they don't want to discourage future women from coming forward, so I think a lot of women get away with it.
And so instead of her going, woo, that's playing with fire, she goes, alright, I'll just use the kangaroo courts of school.
And so she goes to school and she ruins this guy's life.
Now he's since sued Columbia and won.
But, um, the damage is done.
And, you know, they ruined his academic future.
They ruined the greatest years of his life, you know?
I think college is a waste of time, but for many it's the best years of their life.
That's all gone.
I think he's a German guy.
I think he had to go back to Germany.
And she just shattered all that?
Why?
Oh, and here's another thing she did.
She reenacted the entire thing in an art piece that's just basically gross porn where she shows every sex thing they did.
What?
Hey ladies, any ladies out there have been raped?
Have you reenacted it as performance art publicly and then aired it?
Did you do that?
I didn't think so.
It's not really normal behavior for the victim of an assault.
I've known a few.
They will talk about it.
They may even joke about it a little bit.
But, uh, they don't want to get into it very much and they'd rather just move on.
Thank you very much.
So, even worse than the Kangaroo Court of College is the Kangaroo Court of Social Media, like Kale Hartman.
His ex-girlfriend, Beth something, she's rocking now.
I think she's an executive producer on Artie Lange's show.
People go, why would she lie?
I don't know.
Why don't you check her Google hits?
Before, she said that Kale abused her, and then after.
And they rock it straight up, and so does The sales for her brand new comedy CD at the same time and her entire career, boom.
And Cale, destroyed.
I think he's working construction now.
Way to go.
And that was zero trial.
I mean, he was begging, begging them to take him to court because she started and then his other ex-girlfriend jumped in and said, yeah, me too, pretty much.
And I think another one did.
Now, once it's three, you're done.
And that is, by the way, the Wild West.
It's literally the Wild West.
Lynching back then, which was, it was disproportionately used against blacks.
Obviously, we hate that.
But it was obviously used on whites, too, and it was just the way you handled stuff.
Court took too long.
So the whole reason we have 12 jurors, I believe, is, uh... Well, I shouldn't say that.
The truth of the Wild West was if twelve people said you deserve to die, eh, we're just gonna hang you.
Probably right.
You probably have it coming.
It's rare that, like, someone who's a dick could round up twelve people and say, let's just fucking hang him.
I don't like him.
Okay, whatever you say, boss.
So in the community of the Wild West, to expedite justice, twelve people was a consensus, boom, you're hanged.
That's what happens in social media.
Kale had three, so they ended his career.
And he would love to go to court.
He'd love for evidence to be presented.
No, they don't want that.
And that's why, by the way, they were so pissed off with Kavanaugh.
Because it was a court.
They went to an actual court, and they had to actually present evidence.
Circumstantial or otherwise.
And it didn't work.
Like, we tried the Wild West, we did the hanging, we did the lynching, and we said that doesn't work.
And then there's a third courtroom outside of social media and tweeting, which is the actual media, where they just decide whether you're right or wrong.
And there's no checks and balances then.
And they have this incredible system, this really effective system that's way better, way more effective than court if you're sort of lusting for power.
You make the headline the big thing, right?
And then when it's corrected, that's on page 36, and we totally forget about it.
So it takes a total monster douche, psycho serial molester like Harvey Weinstein or serial rapist like Bill Cosby before the story really, you really get the truth.
It has to be like one of the worst cases before the media gets it right.
But everything else, buried to the back.
Like Asia Argento, by the way.
Why isn't anyone talking about All the things she did, like she said, she's the head of the Me Too movement, right?
Harvey Weinstein made me sleep with him to do this role, and then you did the role.
Aren't you just a prostitute, by the way, if you do that?
If you sleep with a producer for a role, then you just did a sex act for rewards.
That's a prostitute.
Well, if I didn't, like Mira Servino, I would have been permanently ousted from acting.
Alright, well get the word out.
Tell everyone that this guy made you a pariah because you wouldn't blow him.
I want to hear about it.
And we'll try to nip that in the bud.
I mean, a lot of these people who, if you let that go and you let that happen to you, you're complicit.
And you're letting it happen to others.
Same with getting money for it.
If you get money and you take a five million dollar settlement, then, and promise never to talk about it, well then you're letting him do it to the next person.
So Asia Argento is on this Me Too thing, which I honestly don't get.
I don't get how you just don't go to the cops and you just... The idea of wanting sympathy because you slept with someone for a movie role.
I mean, you're part of that whole... You're part of the whole disgusting system, Hollywood.
You self-righteous pigs who tell the flyover states that they're a bunch of disgusting losers and you tell Trump supporters that they're garbage.
Meanwhile, you work in a brothel.
And, uh, so she's part of the Me Too thing, and then we find out... Wait a minute, didn't Anthony Bourdain kill himself just days after you were photographed with his best friend?
Remember that?
And they had the Italian paparazzo say, I regret taking those pictures, I didn't know it was gonna lead to a suicide.
Allegedly.
Uh, that seems pretty bad.
And she's crying about it and everything.
He kind of killed him.
It's like that rumor, rumor, that, uh, I said it twice there to just be double clear so I don't get sued, but that rumor that Pete Davidson texted, um, I was going to say Flat Mike, the guy who did that, um, Donald Trump song.
Ariana Grande's ex-boyfriend, Matt Mike, is his name.
Oh, fuck.
I'm so sorry, guys.
Donald Trump song.
Mad Mike?
What's his name?
Mac Miller!
Mad Mike.
I'm turning into Ron White, where I have to stop the comedy show to look up the word.
The rumor is that Pete Davidson texted, uh, I had to turn and look at his name again, Mac Miller, because, um, and said, I'm dating Ariana Grande, dude.
And then he killed himself right after.
That's just a rumor.
But with the Anthony Bourdain thing, it's much more solid.
And then it comes out that Aja Argento was, what, molesting some 17-year-old boy or 16-year-old boy, and she forced, she was forced to pay him off so he wouldn't talk about it.
And she goes, actually, Anthony Bourdain Uh, told me to pay him off.
Oh, really?
Let's ask Anthony that.
Hey, An- Oh.
You're dead.
Well, what about you cheating on him?
Oh, uh, Anthony Bourdain said it was cool to have an open relationship.
Oh, okay.
Let's ask him that.
Hey, An- Oh.
So, the media frames their story.
Asia wins.
The media frames their stories.
Uh...
Whatever it is at the time.
Oh yeah, sorry.
The justice system we've been building since cave days, since the Magna Carta I should say, just flushed down the toilet.
Mattress girl, no evidence.
She was flirting with them after.
Nope, she's a hero.
She's on the cover of New York Magazine, and it says, The New Sexual Revolution.
So we use those kangaroo courts.
It really is a strange time we're living in, where we think justice, the justice system we made, isn't as good as the one we can do.
Because the one we can do is just me saying it.
Kavanaugh's a rapist.
There, done.
What are you, Caligula?
What are you, Uday Hussein?
You just get to sit there and have sex with the bride on the night of her wedding, then she jumps off the building because she feels so horrible about it?
Ladies, if someone says something inappropriate at work, get over it.
If someone touches you at work, then call the cops.
That's assault.
If some guy starts masturbating in front of you and you don't want him to, then say so.
Call the cops.
That's sexual assault.
If some guy says, may I masturbate in front of you and you say yes, sorry.
That ship has sailed.
You just had really gross, lame, consensual sex.
And the person who did that really gross consensual sex should not have to lose 35 million dollars.
If that makes you want to play the smallest violin in the world, why don't you try earning some of your own cash and see how long it takes to get to the big 3-5-0-0-0-0-0-0?
Goodbye, I like you more than a friend.
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