All Episodes
Previous Next
Oct. 2, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
48:30
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #86 | I'm on that meat diet everyone's talking about

After 15 years of vegetarianism, I've begun exclusively eating animals because I've realized animals are complete losers. They are just evolutionary tangents that were meant to be human but took a wrong turn somewhere a few million years ago and ended up stuck with no arms and a hammerhead. Might as well eat them. They're just fancy plants AKA "flants."

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
I'm on that meat diet everyone's talking about.
Kind of sucks.
I mean, my wife usually makes my meals, and now I gotta worry about my dinners now, and I'm not a very good cook.
So you're eating a lot of gross stuff.
Like I went to Salsa Fresca, this burrito joint.
It's sort of like, um, Chipotle.
Um, more environmentally friendly.
And I go, I'll just get shredded beef, chicken, I figured the pita they wrap it in, I know you're not supposed to eat that, but whatever.
Shredded beef, chicken and cheese and mayo.
Because the meat diet is only stuff from animals, right?
So you can have cheese, dairy, yogurt, whatever.
And it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten.
It was like eating guts.
Like, in normal burritos, the guacamole and the lettuce and all that other stuff, it sort of breaks it up.
But when you're just eating slime, meat slime, I mean, you feel like a fucking hyena.
And then the lunch I just made myself was two sliders, which were pretty good, and an egg and cheese.
It's really taken the joy out of everything.
I got a funny feeling that none of these diets really work.
What works is the fact that you're on a diet.
Like if you, uh, only ate stuff that started with the letter B. You'd be shopping differently.
Oh, I can eat this bun.
Uh, and I bet you would lose weight that way too.
You're just conscious of what you're eating as opposed to just stuffing your face whenever you want, which is why you put on weight when you go, um, when you go on vacation.
Cause you're just stuffing your face whenever you can.
And you're with kids that don't eat and you're eating their stupid fries that they ordered, even though they don't want them.
Uh... So that might be it.
By the way, I'm not on a diet because I want to have a nice body.
I'm on a diet because I'm cheap.
And when I get fat, I need all new pants.
And that means new suits.
And that's thousands and thousands of dollars.
So I am... And plus, how pathetic is that to have to buy a new wardrobe because you overindulged?
So, I gotta get back to my gorgeous, slender, 32, 33 inch waist.
I'm giving up on being sexy, that's not happening.
But I also box, and I try to get that up to three times a week, but it's usually two.
But that is a major change too.
So here's my new theory.
I'm just farting out of my butt right now.
If you have any kind of diet, anything, like the letter B, or the meat diet, or an all-carb diet, or you're a vegan, or anything, and you work out twice a week, you're good.
You'll be fine.
Now, a boxing workout is an hour and 20 minutes, but you could probably just fucking jog around the block a few times.
Probably, you could do as little as 20 minutes, I bet.
Isn't it weird how we have all these exercise bikes and rowing machines and I go to a room and punch a bag all trying to simulate a normal human lifestyle.
Like there's someone right now on a stair machine and then there's someone else on an exercise bicycle.
Farmers don't do that.
Farmers must just look at us and go, what the fuck are you doing?
Why don't you do a day's work?
Why don't you get out there and lift some actual things?
They got their bales of hay and they're fucking yanking on a cow's tit.
Cows have shitty tits, don't you think?
If I was to get fake tits, the last tit I'd want is one where my bag is.
I wonder if bulls sort of are bummed that cows have such shitty tits.
Because I bet you if you had two nice tits on a cow that were up by her front legs and didn't have all those nipples on them, just one nipple per tit, I'll bet you anything a bull, even though it's against his nature, would go, uh, I kind of like those better.
I like that better than the scrotum tit with the big long dicks on it.
I never liked that.
Is that possible, do you think?
Or would you think she was weird?
I don't know, man.
Like, do you think a horse, if a horse saw another horse, and that horse was a female horse, but we also gave her long blonde hair, and knee-high socks, and little tiny high-heeled shoes.
Do you think that that horse would be like, I don't know what it is, but that horse is hotter than the other horses.
How come we've never done that experiment?
Sexy animals.
What about a turtle with blonde hair?
You crazy glue a wig to a turtle's head.
Poor girl.
She's trying to retract and the wig's getting stuck.
You crazy glue a wig to a turtle's head.
Would male turtles go, this is bizarre.
I mean, it happened to Smurfs.
Smurfs like the one with the blonde hair and the high heel shoes, and they're not human.
Why can't it happen in the animal kingdom?
Let's start with baboons.
Or what's the ones that are most like us?
The Chappaquinn or whatever?
Chappaquiddick?
The monkeys that are the most like us were also victims of a Ted Kennedy drunk driving accident.
They like butts.
We like butts.
We're pretty similar there.
So what if we gave a Chappaquiddick monkey blonde wig and lipstick?
Would the other monkeys go, hmm?
Actually, the reason we like lipstick is because women's lips become fuller and more flushed during intercourse and redder because there's more blood in them.
So they're simulating a sexually, uh, uh, uh, what's the word?
Aroused woman.
Same with the blush on the cheeks.
Now the eyes... I forget what the deal with eye makeup.
Maybe it's just drawing your attention to their eyes and women's eyes communicate a lot.
So they're being more communicative.
Sort of like when you're in Blackface or something.
Or what's it called?
Zabuki?
Kabuki?
Theater where the Japanese dress up their faces like geishas to be more expressive on stage.
So that's probably what eye makeup is.
Lipstick is to make the lips fuller and the cheeks fuller, and I bet ya monkeys get fuller lips.
So they should go the same avenue with us, at least with the lipstick.
You think monkeys are bummed out that all their female monkeys have short hair?
I would be.
If I was a monkey, I'd be bummed that I had to have sex with monkeys.
I would say, if I got like a serious monkey girlfriend, I'd go, this is gonna sound kind of sick, but could you nair your entire body and put on this wig?
And this mask.
And these fishnets that I had custom made for your weird little legs.
And these high heel shoes I made you that have a hole where your little thumb and foot can stick out.
There!
Now I'll do ya!
No, I would just become asexual.
And I bet that would turn on the other female monkeys.
They'd be like, something about Gavin, man.
He doesn't want any of us.
I showed him my ass about a hundred times and it was bright red because it's that time of the year.
And he was like, just shook his head and ate a leaf.
He reads human books.
Did you know that?
Oh, wait a minute.
They wouldn't be talking in English.
They'd just be pointing and... Actually, the alpha would probably just brain me with a rock because I'm weird.
Because I'm... and I would literally be weird.
That's what I don't get about a lot of these movies.
I usually kind of err on the bad guy side.
Like Ratatouille.
My kids are watching Ratatouille last night.
Kill that rat.
Sorry.
The odds of that rat knowing the human language, English, and also being a good cook, are about 10 billion trillion to one.
The odds are much higher it's just a fucking rat.
So kill it.
Yes, but the soup, the soup, figure out the soup.
I don't know what's going on with the soup.
I cannot have a rat in my restaurant.
I don't care.
I feel that way about all these things.
Like E.T.
There's a fucking alien here.
Kill it.
You know what we do to species that are lesser than us?
Like, say, cows with shitty tits?
We eat them.
I don't want to meet aliens.
And the fact that there's aliens, our whole world's turned upside down.
Now God doesn't exist.
I believe in God because he made humans, and he made humans to be perfect beings.
If there's aliens, and they're better than us, which they probably are if they can get here, then they're the chosen ones, and we suck.
So God sees us as rats.
If he does exist, well fuck him then.
I'm gonna not believe in him out of spite.
But yeah, kill E.T.
It's like when people with sharks, when a shark washes up on land.
Everyone can't wait to splash water on it and all get together with some sort of towel and get him back into the water where he can eat our kids.
Take a fucking knife, put it on the top of his head where I assume his brain is, and sink it down.
Kill him.
Hey, stuff him.
You caught him.
You stabbed him.
Leave the knife in.
Tell the taxidermy guy to leave the knife in.
And then in your living room, people go, what's that?
Oh, that's the time I stabbed a fucking shark in the head.
What have you ever done, pussy?
No.
They splash water on him to keep him fresh.
And then they direct him back in the... No, only some sharks bite.
He's a sand shark.
How do you know?
What are you, a shark expert now?
The odds are, just like the rat, the odds are that it's gonna be the kind that'll bite my kids.
It's dead.
It's so weird when people talk about how nice sharks are.
I mean, they're cool looking, don't get me wrong, I love Shark Week as much as the next guy.
I don't want to hang around sharks.
Fuck it, that's my two cents.
You know animals are losers, right?
God had a special slime, splooge, sort of like the Ninja Turtle slime, right?
And it made Ninja Turtles, which are cool, those are humans.
Splinter and the Ninja Turtles are humans.
But it also made a lot of crap, like Bebop and Rocksteady.
So the slime was made for humans, but it's not- it's- it's so magical that it gets on other stuff and makes other things, so you can go off on tangents.
Like the hammerhead shark.
Could you be a bigger loser, please, with those big stupid eyes and your tiny little sad mouths?
What do those guys even eat?
How do they survive?
Losers.
Whales.
What a dork a whale is.
Just a big fat mass shitting and eating plankton, probably eating his own shit as he turns around.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr You finally die, you sink down like five miles to the land God forgot, and then you have all those things that are blind, that live in the darkness, that are, you know, transparent, and they eat on your rotting corpse.
You're just plants, really.
I mean, what's the difference between a whale and a tree?
I mean, a whale's a little bit better, I guess?
Kinda?
What about those little ephemera, those little flying gnats that don't even bite?
They're too shitty to even bite you.
They live for a day.
They're just sort of buzzing around in July.
Is that an animal?
Is that an insect or is that a plant?
Is that a starfish?
Where do we draw the line between plants and animals?
No, they're all just bad splooge.
Their lives suck shit.
A pygmy shrew has a horrible life.
He has to eat three times his weight every day.
And he's constantly skittish because he's so delicious.
That he's looking out for foxes and hawks.
Just fucking shitting his pants his whole life.
That's why a lot of animals don't wear pants.
Because they would shit them.
In fear.
And then you have the fucking deer.
As I've explained a million times.
It's just a... It's a... It's an abomination.
With knives on its head.
And its big weird face.
Like dogs.
Your face is 90% nose.
And they... You know what they do all winter?
Just suffer.
I just want one leaf.
Just a leaf.
I'm sitting here eating twigs with thorns on them and it's cutting my mouth.
But I'll do it.
And I've lost 30 pounds.
And I have gangrenous sores on my body from where a twig poked me when I was running.
And that sore got infected.
Because I can't wash it because I'm a filthy animal.
And now there's maggots living in my sore.
But it's better.
It's better than not having maggots living in my throat.
That's how shitty my life is.
When I see a sore, festering with maggots, I go, oh good, that'll clean it out.
Got some maggots on the case.
They're like my little magpie jays, those little birds that are on a hippo and help get the bugs out of his ears.
Nice life loser.
Now, I don't want to harm animals, but I was a vegetarian for 15 years based on the misunderstanding that they were not plants.
Animals are plants.
They're just very fancy plants.
Flancies.
That's what I call animals.
Flancies.
Some of them are cool looking, like a black panther.
That looks cool.
But he's also just a ruthless piece of meat that wants to eat everything.
Like, what do they ever do?
I will admit, birds are the best of the animals.
But sometimes I resent them.
Because they are dinosaurs.
And I look at a bird and I think, you're a fucking dinosaur and you guys fucked with us.
Remember that?
The Ice Age, where the mammals had to go underground.
So we all took a time out, we went underground, we became like little prairie dogs and rats and moles and stuff and lived down there while the top of the earth was just frozen solid and all the dinosaurs died.
Then it thawed out and we came out and then we continued evolution and then we eventually became primates and then went the route of the human being and now we're human beings.
So I kind of feel a kinship when I see little mice and stuff, even though their life sucks, and I go, thanks guys.
But when I see birds, I know they derived from dinosaurs, and I think, fuck you.
And they are as evil as dinosaurs, like these birds.
Go look up the life of birds.
They murder each other in droves.
They'll have these females who will destroy all the eggs of all the other females, so those females look less appealing to a male.
Because a male is going to see a chick with a bunch of eggs, and unlike humans, the bird's going to go, oh, good.
We already got some kids here.
You look fertile, and you have kids.
I'm going to stay with you.
And then we can raise all these eggs and make more eggs ourselves, have our own eggs, not adopted eggs.
So, the competing female just goes... kills all the eggs to make her look good.
Or you have starlings, who just kick birds out of their nests.
Oh, you made a nest?
You have a family here?
Good.
Get out of here.
And then they smash all the eggs, push them overboard, and then they just steal your nest.
They're home invaders.
All of the... most birds are like that.
Then you have cats, who are devastating the bird population.
Oh, you dummies.
You love cats so much.
If you love cats, domesticated cats, you hate birds.
They are killing hundreds and hundreds of birds each.
Each cat.
Each time a cat goes outside, it kills like five birds.
Cats.
How about a guy who likes cats?
Sorry.
Talk about racism and prejudice.
I couldn't be friends with the cat guy.
I just... I could not.
I can get over so much.
I can even get over flip flops.
Whatever.
You live in Texas.
It's hot.
You live in Florida.
You live in Australia.
We'll cut you some slack.
Oh, good, mate.
Appreciate it.
You want to come by the flat?
I've got some bourbon.
I know you like bourbon.
Oh, I love bourbon.
I'll be right over.
Oh, that's just my cat.
That's Mr. Doggles.
He's a... I should name him Mr. Mischief.
Look at that.
He's knocked over a plant.
A plantsy.
Uh, I gotta go.
You're a cat person.
And then, they always point out cool cat people.
They're like, Mark Twain was a cat guy.
Alright.
Congratulations.
You combed through history and you found another twat.
Um.
Yeah, cats kill birds and birds, but as far as... I was saying whales just sit around eating fucking garbage and then shitting it out and dying.
Birds I've seen play.
What are these little guys?
Partridges?
They look kind of like penguins.
I saw some in Ottawa, Canada, and there was a hill there, and they were... This was in the suburbs, just sort of on the edge of the suburbs, where the suburbs became country, farmland.
They were lining up Climbing to the top of this hill, which wasn't very tall.
It was maybe three feet high.
Three feet high and rising.
And they would get up to the top, sit on their butts, and slide down.
And they kept doing it.
Then they'd get to the bottom, they'd go around, they would continue to slide down.
That's playing.
That's interesting.
That shows a conscience, sort of.
At least you're more than just a eating shitting machine.
So that impressed me.
Or I heard that bird calls, yes, they are territory.
They're saying, I'm here.
They're declaring this zone is their zone.
They're also, you know, courting and I'm ready to fuck.
If anyone's interested, I'm over here.
But there are calls where they check all the boxes and they go, there's no other reason for this bird doing a call right now other than singing.
The territory has been defined.
Mating season is over.
Kids are moved out of the nest.
The only option left here is he's just doing it for fun.
I'll admit, that softens the old cynical, flancy heart when I see them playing and I go, well that's worth something.
But, ugh.
And you with the domesticated dogs, you're boring me right now, okay?
That includes you, Jonah Goldberg.
We bred that thing.
We took a wolf.
And for hundreds if not thousands of years, we bred that wolf's traits out of it.
Wolves are constantly fighting.
An alpha male wolf has to fight every single day.
He has to redo his job interview as leader of the pack.
And then one day he starts getting older and then the vice president beats him up.
Imagine Mike Pence had to fist fight Trump every day.
And one day he wins and now Mike Pence has to fist fight the vice president every day.
And eventually the number two becomes number one and then he has to fight all the time.
So if you have a wolf as a pet, he's not your friend.
He's biding his time.
He's Joe Biden-ing his time.
Before he sinks his teeth into your neck and he becomes the alpha.
Unless you kick the shit out of him every single fucking day.
So an abused wolf- If you were to see someone raise a wolf the way it's meant to be raised, you'd go, that guy's abusing that animal.
Nope.
That's the life of a wolf.
Their lives suck!
They eat every three weeks, these poor bastards.
The rest of the time they're just fighting.
No thank you.
But we- So we took that, Shitty life.
And we said, all right, I need you to love me unconditionally, not want to ever hurt me, which sometimes fails, especially with pitbulls.
Also I want you just to need me for food too.
So I just want you to want me to love you and for food.
So it's sort of like appreciating fake tits.
That's a fake animal.
I think Christians should be a little angrier about domesticated dogs.
Isn't that kind of sick?
When you see a Chihuahua, God made a wolf and we made a Chihuahua.
Like, they talk about Christians not wanting the things from abortions, those embryo cells, whatever, to use in scientific experiments because it's messing with God and it's immoral and all that stuff.
How about a Chihuahua?
A Chihuahua!
Those are sick!
That's what I was saying on the other show about super tall guys.
Like, when I see basketball players, I just feel bad.
Because God's plan is a normal person.
A healthy, normal person.
Who lives longer and longer every generation.
Like six feet he was going for.
Uh, when you have seven feet, that's got, that, you're basically a hammerhead shark.
And my heart, my heart breaks when I see basketball players.
I saw this LeBron James, he was like, yo, when I first went to high school, I didn't fuck with white people.
White people, I ain't never seen a pantry.
You know, black people, we just have cereal on top of the fridge.
First white person I see is a motherfucking pantry.
And I said, fuck white people.
I don't want to be with them.
They racist.
That annoyed me, too, because I thought, wait a minute, didn't you get a scholarship at an all-white school?
How about a thanks?
You get a scholarship at this awesome, fancy school to play basketball, and your first reaction is, fuck these people, man.
Fuckin' white people.
I'm sick of their scholarships and their pantries.
They're racist.
But yeah, I saw him in this thing with Jon Stewart's in it, too, and Spike Jones, Spike Lee.
I always confuse those two.
And a barbershop chair is a huge chair, right?
And he's still got his knees up by his ears because he's such a tall freak.
That's sad.
Those guys die young.
And I hate seeing them come into a room and crane their necks under the door.
I mean, they never do badly for pussy.
They seem to always get laid.
But I just think, ah, fuck.
You're not normal.
You've got to buy your shoes online.
Going on a plane ride that's more than an hour is a living hell for you.
Everyone asks you if you play basketball.
Everyone asks you how tall you are.
You're a freak.
Animals, tall guys, short guys, 600-pound guys, they're all freaks.
And, what are you, you're scared of otherness?
You're scared of differences?
No, no, no, no, no.
There's parameters, though.
No one wants to be 7 feet tall.
No one wants to be 600 pounds.
Lots of people do.
I like variety.
Ah, fuck off.
I've lived in the city in the weird section.
I've lived in the alt city for a quarter century.
Facial tattoos, guy with one arm.
I've been around freaks, freakish people, but I still recognize when you become such a freak that your life sucks.
And that's how I feel when I see animals.
Like when I see a Chihuahua, I don't think, what a cute little doggie.
I think, Jesus, what have we done?
Or even when I look in my own dog's eyes, I just see a miscarriage of evolution.
I see a sad abortion, really.
I see a tragic soul.
And my heart breaks for this pathetic animal that only cares.
He sticks to my wife and I like glue.
I wish he would stick to the kids, but I guess he sees us as the alphas.
And it's a Havanese dog made by Castro in Havana, Cuba.
And they need you to pet them and love them and kiss them for maybe one hour straight.
Just pet it for a minute, which is about all I got in me.
That's not even close to enough.
That gives him blue balls.
He'd rather have none.
And then, whenever you're near the kitchen, he just stares at you longingly.
And I think of a life where I would need an hour of hugs and nothing but meat.
And I hate that joke where people go, that sounds like an awesome life.
That sounds like fucking hell.
Their lives are hell.
Do you ever see a moose?
Whoa!
Talk about everything I'm talking about combined.
They are seven times the size you think they are.
They are as big as a fucking house.
And when they don't have their antlers, you don't know what they are.
I was tree planting way up in Northern Ontario, like a 20-hour drive north of Montreal, and I'm not exaggerating.
And then I got in a two-hour ride over the logging roads in a school bus, and then I get to my land, Which is like a mile... I plant a mile and a half out to the end of my land and then a mile and a half back.
So it would take me pretty much all day to do two lines.
Which meant my land itself was only about 20 feet wide and a mile and a half long.
And you know what's funny?
One time I did that I got all the way out there and then I heard some water or something and I go through a bush There's a lake there.
And you know what's crazier?
There was dudes fishing.
I couldn't have been farther away from civilization and there was two guys just, what's up buddy?
And I realized, oh it's one of those fishing lakes where the, they fly you in on a plane and then you stay at some cabin and then they pick you up five days later and you can't leave.
You got nothing but fish to eat.
Anyway, I'm out there and uh, You have your head down, of course, you're planting trees.
And I look up, and there's a moose staring at me.
You've got to watch them in mating season, which is the spring.
Because they just fight all day, so they'll fuck with you just to practice.
They know you're not a moose, but might as well just kick your ass.
I've been kicking ass all day.
Came here to kick ass and eat raspberries, and I'm all fresh out of raspberries.
So I look at this thing, and I...
I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I think my head was below his head.
Which means his legs were about five feet long.
And then his body, another fucking five feet.
And his head, it looks like a weird, sad rat possum.
With these bizarre nostrils hanging down sort of like the Joe Camel guy if he was melting.
And the eyes, you can't even really find them.
So it's just a giant rat nose that is as big as a hockey bag.
So it's a hockey bag drooping rat nose on stilts with a body that looks like a year's supply of beef.
And I just, for at least four seconds, I had no idea what I was looking at and I could seriously consider the possibility that I was looking at an alien and God doesn't exist and he chose this guy over me and humanity is not the perfect structure.
We're just splooge like bebop and rocksteady.
This is the guy.
Super moose.
And then he left.
You know, you'd also see a lot of them tree planting just going, Having panic attacks, speaking of shitty lives, having meltdowns from the black flies.
Now the way we deal with black flies is there's so many you can't even put on bug dope, so when it gets too hot to wear full body underwear, Long John's, you coat yourself in Mazzola oil.
Yes, the same stuff from your kitchen.
You're constantly dripping with oil.
Your whole body.
It's kind of sexy, actually, because you're also in great shape.
So you're rubbing Mazzola oil all over your gorgeous six pack.
I'm getting horny talking about myself.
Um, and the bugs land on you and they drown in the oil.
So that's how we deal with it.
And by the time you're done, or even not by the time you're done, two hours in, you look like you're wearing full body fishnets.
Until you get up really close to someone, they look like they're wearing like those raver mesh shirts.
You know, like the guy on SNL who, Bill Hader, when he talks about he's the raver gay guy and talks about all the hot clubs and he has that mesh shirt on that you can sort of see through.
That's what your whole body looks like and your face.
They bite your anal lips when you take a shit.
So you assume other animals aren't going through that.
Yeah, they are.
They have the same black flies on them.
Black flies were around before tree planters.
Um, anyone who's read my book, of course, is thinking of Dr. John right now.
He was a fellow tree planter who was an MIT professor who lost his mind completely and came to tree plant.
Genius guy who could tell you anything you want to know about the universe, physics, Everything about, he could tell you how that paper, the book in your hand was made, what the printing press, how that works, how they make pulp, how they bind books, like just your fingernails.
He just knew everything.
Unfortunately, his brain was focused on several characters that lived in his head.
There was the Nietzschean Übermensch, Not Superman.
The Ubermensch.
Uberman.
Who was perfect, but cruel.
Then there was Snuggles the dog.
Who had a picture of Moses in his doghouse.
And, uh, wait a minute.
Yeah, I think that's it.
There was just two people in his head.
And they were constantly at war with each other.
And Superman, the Ubermensch, would yell at Snuggles and say things such as, You are a bear and you eat in the garbage!
Okay?
He would make sock puppets and the Ubermensch and Snuggles would fight.
One time, I walked up to him and his land was all fucked up.
I was a foreman at this point and I'd see these enormous spaces with no trees and then there'd be like 15 trees in a row and then nothing.
And I go, John, what's going on with your land?
And he says, hello.
And I thought, uh oh, someone's rebooted his hard drive.
You know that little button on the back that you need a pin to push?
Someone got in there and pushed that button and the date was just flashing on his LED.
12, 12, 12, 12.
There was no time set, no alarm, no date.
This guy was fresh off the assembly line.
And I said, hi, what are you doing?
And he goes, Who are you?
And I said, uh, I'm a tree planter.
And he looks around in a very positive, optimistic light, which is heartening for the future alien invasions.
Cause at least this alien was very nice.
And he said, is everybody on this planet, a tree planter?
My buddy, Mark have said that.
This is like 1993 this happened.
I've said, is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
Probably one million times since then.
I just had to say, nope.
It's just one profession out of millions of professions.
And this is just one tiny area where they do that because it's smart.
It's good for the free market.
There's a big demand for lumber.
But, you know, there's Moroccan flea markets.
There's people in India making carpets.
There's the Tibetan monks.
They do beautiful sand sculptures.
You should probably look up online.
Oh, I haven't told you about online.
Oh, we have so much catching up to do.
You're like Daryl Hannah in Splash.
I gotta just sit you in front of a TV for days and you can just take it all in, Johnny.
Anyway, he was planting trees that spelled the word John over the course of maybe five square miles.
So God would look down and see the word John there, and that's, I believe, is the first word in the Bible.
So he would be, uh... Isn't the first word in?
In the beginning there was light?
Anyway, the idea was God would look down and see John there and go, that's cool, John.
Thanks.
And you know what's nuts?
I kind of agree with him.
Like, I know God isn't human, but as far as gestures go, it's better than, like, a giant fire or even fireworks.
Fireworks, if I was God, I'd look down and go, congratulations, you fucking, you lit a bunch of different colored powder on fire and it popped.
Wow.
That was the Chinese first, by the way.
I gave that to the Chinese way before you.
You turned it into a gun and started a bunch of wars, dicks.
But as far as, like, I'd probably like forests.
I'd be like, those are one of my nicest things that I made with my gloop.
And then I'd see a John out of nowhere, and I'd go, oh, that's in English.
Oh, cool.
Those are those Roman numerals.
And the J, oh, right on.
You know, I was looking up the origin of numerals, and I think ours are anti-Semitic.
I think the letter R was based on a Jewish profile.
I know I sound anti-Semitic right now, but I'm pretty sure that's what it said, because they based all of these original numerals on various shapes, and I think they based R on a profile, and I believe the gentleman was of the Semitic persuasion.
I believe.
Anyway, yeah, these moose Which the plural of moose is mice, by the way.
These mices.
They go out onto the road because they're covered in black flies and they have a screaming conniption.
Because they just, they have a fucking meltdown.
Doesn't that say a lot to you?
They don't have a different tolerance of pain.
They have the same suffering that we would get, but with no rational way to deal with it.
It's almost cruel that God lets animals exist.
And some of them we should just fucking get rid of.
Like wasps.
What the fuck is a wasp doing here?
Get him out of here.
I looked it up, too.
And they go, the guy writing it was like, they eat a lot of dead bugs.
And then he said, would you like to see dead insects piled up everywhere?
Yeah, I'm not buying that.
I'm not buying that I would go out to my car and just be like, On a million moths and katydids and cicadas and caterpillars and flies.
No.
It would not look like a farmer's windowsill all over the streets if we got rid of wasps.
I don't think they eat that much dead bugs.
They just sting you, they're a pain in the ass, they're annoying.
Get them out of here.
In fact, in New Zealand, I believe they spent something like 70 million dollars?
I can't remember.
They spent tens of millions of dollars getting rid of wasps entirely.
Because they are devastating the bee population.
I guess they're messing with honey production because they mess with bees.
And they say, well wasps also pollinate.
Ah, I'm good with bees pollinating, thank you.
Wasps are out of here.
Also, no offense, rats, I know I was saying nice things about you earlier and you helped us get through the ice age.
We had a good run.
Time to go.
You're gross.
Uh, I've never really forgiven you for the bubonic plague.
That has got to probably be the grossest time in history.
I bet the bubonic plague was a gross zenith where you would see someone with diarrhea on their legs and not even dry heave.
You'd just be like, Oh, that guy's got some diarrhea on his legs.
I wonder if it's edible.
People were probably eating feces back then because it was better than their lives, their life.
So that was rats.
I blame you for that, rats.
You guys gotta go.
And people always say, oh, an animal going extinct, that's the worst thing ever.
There's new species all the time.
I don't think rats, maybe rats wouldn't be around if they didn't have our garbage to feed on.
I know raccoon, the raccoon population wouldn't be close to what it is today.
And you know, you can get rid of some animals and you're just fine.
Like Britain.
You know how many bears are in Britain?
Zero.
They killed all the bears.
They are a bear-free zone.
The only bears you see are rugged homosexuals with big beards in London, England.
And even then, it's mostly the east side.
Maybe a bit in the north.
How are they doing, ecologically, without bears?
Pretty good.
Poor fucking bears.
Another fucking sad loser.
I'm swearing a lot on this podcast.
Sorry about that.
Alright folks, we've got to wrap it up here.
This has been a very in-depth look at animals.
And why I eat them and how I'm not really enjoying eating them.
I remember Dr. Drew said that he went on this meat diet and he said, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I felt wonderful.
Uh, I feel okay.
I, you know, how do you parse your genuine feelings with, away from the psychosomatic side effects?
Like, how do I know I'm not just saying that I feel better or I feel good?
I have no idea.
It's like when people say, pot is good.
No, this is really good pot.
How the hell do you know?
You're stoned.
Like, if you were a judge at a diving contest and you smoked a gram before you judged it, we'd say, well, this judge can't judge the swimming contest.
He's baked out of his mind.
So you can't judge a pot contest either.
I don't trust people who say this is good pot.
How the fuck do you know?
You're on a different planet.
So, when people say the meat diet made me better, yeah.
Now, Jordan Peterson sounds like he and his daughter were dying.
What, she had her hip replaced at the age of 20?
And her ankle?
She had a fake ankle?
She was on her way to a new one?
She was in chronic pain?
Jordan Peterson didn't sleep for three weeks?
What?
I understand that it saved their lives, and that's actually what inspired me to try it.
Also, my buddy, the same guy, by the way, who ran the tree planting company, where the dude said, uh, is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
He sold me on it, too, explaining that we haven't really been eating bread for very long, when you look at the evolution of man.
And I get how your body just assumes you're the most kick-ass hunter in town, and you destroyed yet another woolly mammoth.
I'm gonna release some endorphins on this dude.
And you do- I did definitely- I have been losing weight.
I've been on it for two weeks, and I- my stomach definitely feels more taut.
Now, in full disclosure, I have not stopped drinking beer.
And everyone says, well, you're not doing the meat diet then.
That's pure carbs.
A, fuck you.
B, come on.
It's just a beer.
It's not, it's just a little can with some, that's 98% water with some, my, my neighbor who used to work for Bud told me it's not actually made from barley and oats or whatever.
It's actually rice.
It's rice beer.
Okay.
So I'm having, what, two pieces of rice per can?
Three pieces?
Doesn't count.
90% of what I've been eating during this meat diet is meat and cheese and all that stuff.
And I don't really know if I feel any better.
I think, my guess is the fact that I go to the gym dwarfs any other diet, habit, booze, anything.
I would argue that going to the gym, even just twice a week, totally eradicates everything else you do.
I just made up made up that stat right now, but I'm usually good with these hunches.
And I think you can have any kind of diet, you can pretty much drink as much as you want.
Because the thing about boozing is, if you're a brutal alcoholic, you can't go to the gym the next day, you'll barf your guts out.
So by me making you go at least two or three times a week, prevents you from getting blind drunk the night before.
I've done, I've gone boxing after a night out on the town and it, it's just a barf festival.
Like you have to stop and go barf several times, which sucks when you have gloves on because you lift up the lid and you barf and you have to try to hit that flushing thing with your big giant claw, your big giant everlast paw.
Get off my lawn.
CRTV tonight.
After hours.
All three shows are on CRTV.com.
There's also plenty of other shows there that I can barely take a crack at.
God, check out Mark Levin.
The guy is sort of like It's like a lot of my favorite authors, where you just sort of feel like, it's sort of like a meat diet, actually, Mark Levin.
There's no frills there.
You know how you listen to my show, I'll go off at a tangent with Ryan Katsu Rivera and we'll talk about like, I don't know, the shape of a Leatherman or something.
It's just a silly tangent or about imitations or Tony Soprano or something.
Levin is tangent-free.
It is pure protein the entire show.
So, you really just need one a week.
Remember when you were a kid, when you were like 21, and you'd talk to your dad, and he'd tell you about politics, and he'd say something that you never thought of, like, the Civil War was just the North wanting to push the South around.
Had nothing to do with slavery.
And you go, ooh, I'm going to say that like it's my thought, and I'm going to get laid, because girls will think I'm smart.
That's sort of like Levin.
He's the Your Dad of the adult years, and you just go there, drink from the cuppeth of Levin, and then you're smart for a week.
And you know all this stuff about the Kavanaugh hearings that no one else is talking about.
But yeah, you really got to see my last CRTV tonight with Tommy Robinson.
One thing I forgot to mention in the last podcast about Tommy Robinson was he got like six hockey bags of letters from people.
And he's not the kind of guy to handle this himself, but I was like, dude, you need to make this a book.
Letters to Tommy.
Obviously you have to go and get permission from each person who sent you the letter.
And I'm sure a hundred percent of them are going to give it to him.
And obviously you call the herd and you have different, it's organized into sections.
I'm sure you got some hate mail that can be at the back and you have the, the sort of mums section who say, I have three kids and you're the only one fighting for the kids.
And you have the yabo section with the soccer hooligans going, Oh, what lads?
Then you have the serious sort of, you know, Ezra Levant ones where they're talking about litigation and human rights and stuff like that.
Just put it in sections.
That would be a massive book.
And it's already pre-written.
It's sitting there, right there for you.
You just need transcribers.
And publishers, by the way, I talk to publishers all the time.
They'll go, give me a book.
You can just say it into a microphone.
I'll get it transcribed.
I'll do all the research.
Publishers have plenty of people to do all that.
It's content, original content they crave.
And Tommy's got that in those books.
Anyone out there in publishing, please start hounding him.
For that book.
Because it has to happen.
It'd just be a great document.
I could see them studying it in class when they look back at this time in the grooming gangs and the justice system.
Lawyers!
Lawyers should be analyzing his case.
Ten weeks in a cage for contempt of court.
I mean that's precedent setting right there.
I also forgot to mention, by the way, he was on about Melanie Shaw, this woman who's trying to blow the whistle on pedophile, not grooming gangs with Muslims, but politicians, rich white people.
That's a much more politically correct thing for you to fight.
If you're out there and you want to fight rape, but you feel like it's politically incorrect to attack Muslims, dig up the Melanie Shaw case.
That's some nice rich white guys you can attack.
And I'll be talking about her more in the show as I slowly try to unravel this tangle.
I think she's been so abused mentally that it's hard to get the full story there.
So I don't know much about Melanie Shaw, but it's worth looking into.
And if you go to CRTV tonight and check out the Tommy Robinson special, I think it's the best thing I've ever done.
It's definitely the best thing I've ever done for CRTV.
It's a high quality interview that then leads to basically a riot where I filmed the riot And, uh, we talked before and after about the court and, uh, I get annoyed by fans.
Tell them to piss off.
Yes, so that's at Sirotv.com and I'm going to stop this podcast now and I'm going to go to the gym.
I'm going to do... I'm not going to skip rope.
I'm sick of that.
My legs are already too gorgeous for my own liking.
I want my legs to be less gorgeous.
I'm going to ride my bike there.
I'll count that as the cardio.
Then I'll do two rounds of shadow.
I'll do two rounds on the speed bag.
And then I will... And by the way, when you're doing the speed bag, don't go left, right, left, right, left, right.
I know it sounds cooler and it goes faster, but that's not what it's for.
You're supposed to do left, left, left, right, right, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, left.
Mix it up a bit.
And then I'm just gonna go... three rounds wall bag, three rounds heavy bag, three rounds water bag, three rounds double-ended bag.
And the way to make that less boring is don't do them all in a row.
So you go...
Wall bag, heavy bag, water bag, double ended bag, and then back to the beginning.
And you do that three times, and you've done three rounds on four different bags, practicing different combinations.
For the wall bag, I just go left, right, uppercut, uppercut, step, left hook, short right.
But for the other ones, I just do a variety.
And don't go bananas on the double-ended bag.
Just tap it.
You're not here to kill a bouncy bag.
Plus, it wrecks the bag.
And then, 50 sit-ups and 20 push-ups.
Which, when you have spaghetti arms after all those rounds, it is brutal.
But I think that's a really good workout, and if you're Irish, Scotch-Irish, like myself, and you're in a constant state of rage, it really is therapeutic to punch things for a long time.
Plus, when you're walking down the street, you're ready.
You're ready for a fight, and so is your subconscious.
Your muscle memory says, when someone attacks me, I go left, right, left, right, uppercut, step, right, right, right, fight.
Alright?
Have we covered everything?
Alright, I'll see you Friday.
I like you more than a friend.
It's hard to imagine, but right here in our community, there are families living out of their cars, parents skipping meals so their kids will have enough to eat, and folks who can't afford electricity.
But you can help them win these battles against poverty by giving to The Salvation Army, where your donations give struggling families the support they need to stay afloat.
Want to join this fight for good?
Please visit SalvationArmy.ListenAndGive.org to make a donation.
That's SalvationArmy.ListenAndGive.
▲
Export Selection