Insipired by a video Stossel did called "How Government Caused the Boy Crisis" I take a look at the different roles moms and dads have in a marriage. I do all the driving. She does all the cooking. I handle the outside of the house. She handles the inside. I tell the kids not to shit their pants. She consoles them if they do. It works.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| It's weird how the roles in a marriage just sort of naturally evolve. | |
| Like, I do all the driving. | |
| I think men, we're big game, right? | |
| Women are small game. | |
| And both are equally important, by the way. | |
| You just bring home a woolly mammoth every day and no one else does anything. | |
| Actually, that wouldn't be that bad. | |
| Isn't that an all-protein diet? | |
| I've heard good things about that. | |
| Those guys that eat only meat. | |
| I think Dr. Drew said, I would be lying if I didn't say that eating nothing but meat, because he tried the diet, didn't make me feel amazing. | |
| So maybe that's not the best analogy, but those kids would be fucked up. | |
| If you were just a dad, and the kid stayed back in the cave, and you just brought home a woolly mammoth, and there was no mom there, The kids would go insane. | |
| They'd be animals. | |
| Feral. | |
| Did you know this about feral children, by the way? | |
| You know what a feral child is? | |
| Like a child that was raised by wolves? | |
| Their brains rot. | |
| So this whole idea of Tarzan, you know, Lord of the Jungle, and then they bring him to England and show him how to hold a coffee cup and to put his pinky out and what soup spoon to use? | |
| Bullshit. | |
| If you're raised by dogs, your brain atrophies, sort of like a smoker's lung. | |
| They've done cat scans on feral children. | |
| There hasn't been that many, obviously. | |
| There's been about 13 in history. | |
| But, um, they do cat scans and, uh, they see their brains are rotten. | |
| Irreparable. | |
| Beyond repair. | |
| Big. | |
| Gross. | |
| They look like, uh, when your wife, who cooks, um, sort of, uh, bakes broccoli. | |
| You ever have that? | |
| No, is it broccoli? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you cook broccoli until it's crispy. | |
| Um, and sort of brown on the outsides. | |
| On the tree part. | |
| It's really good. | |
| Anyway, that's what their brains look like. | |
| So the big game, small game isn't a good analogy, because you don't really need to eat pigeons and rabbits as much as you need a big fucking cow. | |
| But what else the moms do is they hug the kids. | |
| Now, I've told this story before, so forgive me if you watched the Gavin McInnes Show and you've heard this a million times, but I think it's very important. | |
| I was at the airport in St. | |
| Martin. | |
| And being a drunk, I was having, I think, my thirteenth shit of the day. | |
| And, um, I'm in this stall, and it's just sort of dripping out. | |
| It's just clear water at this point. | |
| More like sort of frothy kind of a water. | |
| I think it's bile. | |
| But, uh, there's a kid next to me, and I can hear the father, and he's going, What the fuck is the matter with you? | |
| Goddammit, you've got shit everywhere! | |
| I don't think he said the word shit, but maybe he said poop. | |
| And I was sort of getting kind of Charles Bronson-y about it and thinking, do I have to get involved here? | |
| Like, do I have to say, hey, take it easy? | |
| And it's not exactly a pugilist's vantage point to be sitting on a toilet. | |
| And they go, hey buddy, you wanna hurt that kid? | |
| You're gonna have to get through me. | |
| I'll obviously have to wipe my ass and stand up and pull my pants up and then attach my belt, maybe go wash my hands. | |
| But after that, you gotta talk to this guy. | |
| Pick on someone your own size like this guy shitting right next to you behind a wall so you can only hear my voice and see my shoes and my pants crumpled up on top of my shoes. | |
| But don't let that fool you. | |
| I'm a big fucking dude. | |
| You'd make your voice lower? | |
| Hey buddy. | |
| Hey! | |
| You leave that kid alone. | |
| I'm a huge guy. | |
| I'm Hulk Hogan taking a shit. | |
| That would be a good name for a book. | |
| Hulk Hogan taking a shit. | |
| And you just have Hulk Hogan on the cover taking a shit? | |
| And then use that as a springboard to talk about philosophy and life and maybe his lawsuit and stuff. | |
| Hey Hulk! | |
| Hulkster! | |
| Hey Peter Thiel! | |
| If either of you guys are out there listening to this, that's a good book idea. | |
| Not a good podcast idea. | |
| Have a huge sip of coffee while you're talking so people can hear how your mouth works and your esophagus gulping. | |
| I was teasing Ezra the other day, Ezra Levant at Rebel Media, because I think Ryan Ketsu Rivera, my producer, does a really good imitation of him. | |
| So we were recording things. | |
| I'm not doing good, Ezra, but I'll try. | |
| Hi, I'm Ezra LeVant and women want me really bad. | |
| Yeah, they do. | |
| My only problem with it is I feel bad for them because there's not enough Ez to go around. | |
| He didn't think it was funny. | |
| He didn't think the imitation sounded like him. | |
| I think he thought, because the first one I said, I make tons of money at these fundraisers, and I keep it all. | |
| I spend most of it on coke. | |
| But after I deviated my septum, I had to spend it on gambling. | |
| And he was uncomfortable. | |
| And he was like, not sure what you're doing here. | |
| That's not my voice, but I'll play along. | |
| I texted him later. | |
| I go, dude, I am loyal to a fault. | |
| I would never, ever fucking stab you in the back like that. | |
| I would call you and say, what's going on? | |
| You spend all the money. | |
| I wouldn't ambush you. | |
| But sorry, that whole tangent was to talk about when he was doing Tommy Robinson's fundraiser. | |
| He usually keeps a normal amount for the infrastructure of raising funds. | |
| You know, you got to make a website and it takes labor and money and it's fair to take a commission. | |
| Not a big commission. | |
| I don't know what he takes, but maybe he takes 5% or something and puts it back into the infrastructure of fundraising. | |
| You know, American charities, I think they only have to give 20% to the person they're fundraising for, and they can keep fucking 80. | |
| Charities are a racket. | |
| That's one thing I hate about being in the Knights of Columbus, is so much of it is charity, charity, charity, and I feel like, have we vetted these guys? | |
| I mean, we gave this one public school on the Lower East Side like 40 turkeys for Thanksgiving. | |
| I'm such a dick. | |
| I felt like saying, can we see the pay stubs of these people who I'm busting my ass to get a free turkey to? | |
| And by busting my ass, I mean reaching in my wallet and taking out 20 bucks. | |
| But anyway, when Ezra was saying, we're raising a lot of money for Tommy Robinson and 100% of it is going to his wife. | |
| And you see him, he does an audible gulp after that because he's as cheap as me. | |
| And he goes, and 100% of it will be going to his wife. | |
| And then you just hear. | |
| After I've watched it about a hundred times Anyway, sorry, that's like 32 tangents in one but um what I was talking about was The feral children the roles we play and how You need to oh, yeah, the kid shitting his pants. | |
| So he's shitting his pants. | |
| I mean he shat his pants He sharted his pants And I can see the dad yelling at him and then I monitor the situation safely from my throne and I'm done and it never gets out of control. | |
| I don't hear like Or anything crazy. | |
| He's just very pissed off that he has to clean shit off his son's legs. | |
| His son, by the way, sorry, major detail. | |
| White guy, middle-class, the son was probably about Six or seven. | |
| And Dad was, you know, 30 years old. | |
| 32. | |
| So he cleans off the legs. | |
| Doesn't get any on his socks, thank the Lord. | |
| Probably throws out his underwear. | |
| Washes his butt, maybe by dipping some fresh toilet paper in the toilet water. | |
| I know people freak out about that it's an airport bathroom. | |
| It's not that bad. | |
| It's getting replenished every thousands of times a day. | |
| So it's pretty clean, relatively clean toilet water in an airport bathroom. | |
| Especially a nice airport like St. | |
| Martin. | |
| Same with McDonald's coffee. | |
| Everyone shits on McDonald's coffee. | |
| I don't know why you go to Starbucks and wait in line to buy 30 cents of coffee for 7 bucks, you dupe. | |
| McDonald's coffee is being- is selling so fast. | |
| Same with bodega coffee. | |
| That you're getting it the freshest it could possibly be. | |
| It's like a running tap of coffee. | |
| Anyway. | |
| Cleaned the kid's butt, gave him his shorts back, and now he's underwear-less. | |
| The dad's pissed off. | |
| And then I- I- I watch his shoes. | |
| Because I want to see where this goes. | |
| So later on, I recognize the dad's shoes and the son's shoes, and they're actually at my gate. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| And then I see the son, and the family sits back down, and the son goes to the mom, and he just sort of puts his head in the nape of her tit armpit area, and she holds him, and she's whispering in his ears or something, and the dad is still pissed. | |
| And the dad's on his phone. | |
| And he's just checking his fucking phone, probably looking at sports, trying to get his mind off it. | |
| Because when your son does something really stupid and useless, you're mad, but you're also worried. | |
| Like, is my son gonna become a pussy? | |
| Or a moron? | |
| Or a loser? | |
| Or is he not a survivor? | |
| I think my dad told me that when I moved out of the house maybe three years in, so I'd be like 21. | |
| He goes, I was worried that you were not a survivor. | |
| But you turned out to be a survivor. | |
| So that's good. | |
| I thought, wow. | |
| You just figured this out at 21? | |
| You gotta wait two decades to know if your son is a loser or not. | |
| But if any good father, that's always haunting you in the back of your mind. | |
| Is my son gonna be, you know, an independent, tough kid? | |
| And so he's worried and mad at the same time. | |
| And then you get mad that you're worried. | |
| Like, you're a fucking wet fart. | |
| Not only did I have to clean shit off, which I'm not bananas about, but now it's made me worried and mad, and now I'm mad that you made me worried. | |
| That's a lot of fucking emotions you just gave me with one little... | |
| And then the mom is like, it's okay, it's okay. | |
| The mom doesn't care about the details. | |
| Like, did he have some strange beans? | |
| How long could he have held it in? | |
| That's not the mom's job. | |
| That's what I was getting at with the beginning of this podcast. | |
| There's different roles. | |
| And it's not like you sit there with a notepad saying, okay, we're getting married, we're having a baby. | |
| These are the roles. | |
| I'll drive, you cook. | |
| Deal? | |
| Deal. | |
| No, you just- I- For me, cooking feels like doing ballet. | |
| Like, I just- I'm just sitting there going, what the fuck am I doing here? | |
| It just does not flow. | |
| Driving, fixing the outsides of the house. | |
| I feel like I'm at work at McKinnis Co. | |
| Just, like, punching in- punching my card. | |
| Solving problems. | |
| Anyway. | |
| Um. | |
| So I realized, looking at that mom and that dad, going through that shit, that this was the perfect scenario. | |
| They're both right. | |
| Yes, you should not shit your pants. | |
| Also, sometimes you shit your pants, and it's nice to get a hug, especially if you're a little kid. | |
| Now, when I shit my pants, which is maybe once a year, as George Brett says, I'm good for those about once a year, uh, it's very unfortunate, but even then you're mad at yourself. | |
| You're like, you fucking dummy. | |
| You could tell that wasn't a normal fart. | |
| Couldn't fucking sit down on the bowl for once, you dumbass. | |
| Sometimes you're in public and you gotta take off your shoes and your pants to ball up your underwear and throw them in the garbage and you throw them wrapped in paper towels and you're walking around commando with your dick on the zipper of your fly, constantly petrified it's gonna get cut. | |
| That's so mean to put a dick next to a zipper. | |
| That's like putting a cow next to a butcher. | |
| He's just sitting there next to his worst enemy, his darkest fear, and he has to just try to relax and sleep. | |
| No thanks. | |
| And you're just mad at yourself. | |
| Then you get pee on your pants. | |
| Now you got... The reason we have underwear, by the way, is so we don't have to wash our jeans every two minutes. | |
| It's a disposable pee area. | |
| So, you should be mad at yourself. | |
| And then also, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. | |
| That's what moms and dads do. | |
| They create the perfect balance. | |
| And when you have a kid who is just with a single mom, you end up with rap music, which is me, me, me, I'm awesome. | |
| If I shit my pants, I need a hug. | |
| That's basically what all rap is. | |
| It's me, me, me, me, me. | |
| Check out, I was listening to, my kids listen to Drake all the time, because they're kids, all kids do. | |
| And you can just hear the single mother in his lyrics. | |
| Me, me, me. | |
| Oh, am I allowed to do this on Westwood One? | |
| She's the one for me. | |
| And then there's another song where she goes, where he says, uh, uh, she said, do you love me? | |
| I said, I only love my bed and my mommy. | |
| Is that single mother kid in a nutshell? | |
| You know, Ninja from Die Antwoord has a story about Drake, where I saw it, it came up in my YouTube recommendations. | |
| It was Vice, and I rarely check out Vice, but it was really good. | |
| And you can tell, like, people from South Africa, they've seen their friends get raped to death. | |
| Oh, I ruined that fucking line. | |
| People from South Africa, they've seen their friends get raped to death. | |
| So, they don't take shit. | |
| They've got balls. | |
| And they don't have time for, you know, niceties. | |
| So, Ninja saw Drake at a concert, and he liked his music, and then he saw him wearing his white sweatpants and his little white sneakers, all brand new, and he went, this guy's a figget! | |
| And he tweeted out as much, but it wasn't really him saying that, it was a meme. | |
| I don't know the meme, but there's something about homophobic slurs and Drake. | |
| And so they had beef and they ended up, Kanye brought Ninja to Drake's house to play basketball and he's like, oh shit, that's the guy I called a figget. | |
| And he goes, it was really weird there because they, he's playing basketball. | |
| Oh my god, I can tell I'm making a South African's ears bleed. | |
| They play in Biscuit Bowl and they film everything. | |
| Sorry, I'm going to stop doing that. | |
| They film everything. | |
| So Drake plays basketball with his friends. | |
| He's got a hype man going, oh shit nigga, that was awesome! | |
| And, uh, he films it. | |
| So he does these crazy moves, like a triple pirouette spin slam dunk. | |
| And it never lands, but once in a blue moon he'll, like, jump off someone's back and do a slam dunk. | |
| And Drake will take that one time and then make a montage to make it look like he's fucking LeBron James. | |
| How juvenile can you get? | |
| That's something, honestly, a 10-year-old would do. | |
| I think an 11-year-old, you'd go, dude, what are you doing? | |
| What is this, last year when you were 10? | |
| But not a grown adult man. | |
| And it's because all he got was the hugs. | |
| Now Maximilian Lott, you know John Lott? | |
| He did More Guns Less Crime. | |
| Brilliant book about how the more guns, the more legal guns in a community, the safer it is. | |
| Counterintuitive thinking, folks! | |
| But it's true. | |
| The left isn't capable of counterintuitive thinking. | |
| Uh, schools are doing bad. | |
| Pour more money on them. | |
| That must work, right? | |
| Children are our future. | |
| Yeah, that sounds right. | |
| It's not right. | |
| Oh, there's a shooting! | |
| Well, more gun laws will stop the shootings, right? | |
| Yeah, that sounds right, but it's not right. | |
| Anyway, his son, Maximilian Lott, cool name, I always wanted to name my kids that, but... Other names prevailed. | |
| He just did this amazing video, I can't stop thinking about it. | |
| It was actually on Stossel's. | |
| Stossel does a video a week for a reason now. | |
| I was on it, actually, it's coming out in a couple weeks. | |
| And, uh... Actually, I'll just interrupt myself. | |
| He was doing that thing he does where he's like, well, you're racist. | |
| I mean, you need to be banned. | |
| The things you say. | |
| And he's playing that devil's advocate, you know what I mean? | |
| And I go, tell me what I've said. | |
| You know, I did my last 20 tweets, because he's doing a, sorry, this is a very jumbled up episode, I'll come back to the main point, but he's doing a thing on Big Tech and their collusion with the SPLC and the DNC and how Big Tech is censoring the right in an attempt to stop Trump's influence and stop him getting re-elected. | |
| And so I'm a paramount example of that because I'm very pro-Trump and I'm popular and appealing and incredibly charming and funny and endearing and cuddly and they don't like that so they shut me down. | |
| But he's bringing up, he's playing the devil's advocate, he's bringing up examples of things I've said. | |
| And some of them are super harsh! | |
| Like, he goes, he's not reading my tweets, he's reading things I've written, and he's taking them out of context. | |
| But I'm not criticizing Stossel, he obviously gives me a chance to defend them, but he has to do the whole argument, you know? | |
| And one of them was, poor Hispanics won't assimilate in this country. | |
| They can't. | |
| And I go, holy shit! | |
| That's terrible! | |
| And then I, can I see that? | |
| And then I look at the quote and it's, I think I already talked about this on Get Off My Lawn, but it's from a movie called They Call Us Monsters about these two kids from El Salvador who were murdering people. | |
| Ruthlessly, mercilessly. | |
| And I was thinking, El Salvador is a war-torn shithole, where being ruthless and merciless and violent is a good thing. | |
| You want your son to be that, because it's a war, so you want to raise warriors. | |
| But they come here, and it's the opposite values. | |
| We don't want you to slit someone's throat and feel nothing. | |
| We don't even want you to slit someone's throat. | |
| So I said, as I was watching this movie, I wonder if kids from these poor Hispanic countries are incompatible with America. | |
| So the context is a pretty big deal there. | |
| Because I'm talking about murderers from war countries. | |
| And I said poor Hispanic countries because there was two kids from El Salvador and one I think from Nicaragua. | |
| So to abbreviate I just said poor. | |
| So you'd know I wasn't talking about like Brazil and Argentina and stuff. | |
| And isn't it funny how we get this fine-tooth comb scrutiny here on the slightly right of center, where they'll pour through all the things you said, the hundreds of hours of stuff you said, and find something contentious, and go, yeah, but you said this. | |
| Meanwhile, Sarah Jong can go, I want to kill all old white people. | |
| I want old white men to die. | |
| So specific. | |
| Imagine you said that about black men. | |
| Hey, I heard you hate black people. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| I want all old black men to die. | |
| What? | |
| Like grandpas, those white afros, and they go see their grandkids on Father's Day? | |
| Yeah, them. | |
| Dead. | |
| You mean like the old guy with the old gnarled fingers playing the blues? | |
| Yeah, dead. | |
| Morgan Freeman? | |
| Fucking kill him now! | |
| People go, that's really a weird kind of specific racism you got there. | |
| Oh, it's not, it gets worse. | |
| I want, I want Korean Albinos from Tennessee also, I want them dead! | |
| Now someone will take that out of context. | |
| Like have you ever seen an interview with a black guy where the interviewer goes, are you racist? | |
| Yet everyone on the new right, Dave Rubin, fucking Lauren Southern, even when I interviewed Lauren Southern, my bosses go, can we just get this out of the water? | |
| Ask her if she's racist so she can explain and then, you know, we can at least get over that. | |
| Cause that's on the back of everyone's mind when you, when you talk to her. | |
| Jesus. | |
| Okay. | |
| Are you racist? | |
| No, I'm not. | |
| Okay, moving on. | |
| Like, ask Don Lemon. | |
| Ask Cory Booker. | |
| Who thinks he's fucking a Spartan because he's freeing the slaves. | |
| That's what he said the other day. | |
| He said, I'm having an I Am Sparta moment. | |
| Talking about a movie where the Egyptians, the slaves rose up. | |
| But anyway. | |
| So here's another quote I said. | |
| And he goes, well, you've said much worse. | |
| You've said, the world is filled with shoeless, toothless, inbred, hill-dwelling, rifle-toting, sodomy-prone men ready to kill for a god they've never seen. | |
| I go, well, Jesus Christ. | |
| You just made my hair white. | |
| Now I want to kill me because I hate old white men. | |
| You just made me look like an old white man. | |
| Now Sarah Jong's going to have me killed. | |
| Thanks a lot, Jon. | |
| And I got him in. | |
| I was kind of shocked by that. | |
| I go, that's real vitriolic. | |
| But I defended it and I said, yeah, I'm being hyperbolic and vitriolic, but why do we have to be so kind and careful about our words? | |
| And they can just say, die cis scum. | |
| And again, I go, can I see the context of that, please? | |
| Because that sounds harsh. | |
| Here's the entire context. | |
| I know I sound like Lenny Bruce now, going over his court transcripts. | |
| Though it's still the less favorite comedy target, you don't really see that many yokels walking around Appalachia barefoot with a shotgun, hoping a feuding neighbor doesn't pop out from that holler over yonder. | |
| But, and then I said, the Muslim world is filled with shoeless, toothless, inbred, hill-dwelling, rifle-toting, sodomy prone men. | |
| These are all hillbilly adjectives. | |
| Ready to kill for a God they've never seen. | |
| Next sentence. | |
| They even have their own Hatfields and McCoys. | |
| They're called Sunnis and Shiites. | |
| So the context of the whole quote is, it's ironic because The context is, you can make fun of these white hillbillies, but I got hillbillies over here. | |
| But you only focus on the white hillbillies. | |
| And then in the quote, that's exactly what happened. | |
| We focus just on the egregious insulting of the Muslim world, yet the hillbilly thing is taken out of it. | |
| And that just keeps happening again and again. | |
| And I'm at the point now where I go, yeah, I doubt, I doubt they said that. | |
| You know? | |
| Like when you hear, this person is wanted for hate crimes. | |
| They said fag and beat up a gay guy. | |
| And you're like, I bet that's not what happened. | |
| I've always said that the news has become a homework assignment now. | |
| Where it's stories to look up. | |
| Stories to see what happened. | |
| But anyway, sorry. | |
| So back to Drake. | |
| These songs are all about me and feelings, and Maxim Lott did a video on Stossel's show. | |
| It's really good. | |
| You've got to look it up here. | |
| I'll see if I can find the title now. | |
| Stossel, Mom's Video, Parents, Dad's Reason, Dad's Needed by John Stossel. | |
| That's an article. | |
| Ah, how government caused the boy crisis. | |
| There we go. | |
| And it's, it's, they interviewed this guy Warren Farrell. | |
| So the video to look it up, it's called Stossel, colon. | |
| That's a funny word, isn't it? | |
| If we had a bigger vocabulary in grade school, we could have had a lot more laughs. | |
| Okay guys, today we're going to work on the colon and the semicolon. | |
| And you're like, is a semicolon when you have a colostomy bag? | |
| Is that the hole that goes into your colostomy bag? | |
| No, that's called a substitute colon. | |
| Anyway, there's this guy Warren Farrell. | |
| He wrote a book called The Boy Crisis. | |
| By the way, he gets protested everywhere he goes. | |
| He used to be a feminist and then he realized, wait a minute, single moms are bad for kids because you only get one side of the argument. | |
| You only get the woman saying it's okay to shit your pants. | |
| Next thing you know, you're shitting your pants. | |
| Next thing you know, You're cumming in a woman and making a baby without a second thought. | |
| Which is exactly like pooing your pants. | |
| Because you talk to guys who can't pull out and they go, it just feels good, man. | |
| I can't pull out. | |
| And I go, yeah, but pooing your pants feels good too. | |
| But then there's consequences. | |
| And you realize that wasn't worth it. | |
| Now I got to deal with this. | |
| By the way, sorry babies, but you're soiled underpants in this metaphor. | |
| That's not a very flattering metaphor. | |
| It's okay, they're babies. | |
| They don't listen to this podcast. | |
| I'm babyist. | |
| So yeah, Warren Farrell wrote this book, The Boy Crisis, and he talks about how women teach you as a little boy that you matter, your feelings matter, you're a great person. | |
| In fact, on that Drake song I played earlier, one of the lines is, last name ever, first name greatest. | |
| Hi, my name's Greatest Ever. | |
| All right, your self-esteem is good. | |
| We got that. | |
| Now, Drake is half black, half Jewish white. | |
| His mom raised him in Toronto. | |
| I heard he would spend the summers with his dad in the South, which is where he got his Southern credibility and all his cool rap slang and why he's allowed to talk not like a Canadian, but like a Southern black dude. | |
| I don't buy it. | |
| He probably went down like a couple summers, but decided to really milk it and be like, I'm basically half Southern black dude, half Jewish white guy. | |
| No, I think you're like 95% white Jewish guy from Toronto, Canadian, 5% black dude, but you've decided to really capitalize on the black part. | |
| All people do that. | |
| All mixed race, I'm working so hard not to say the word mulatto, all people of 50% color, They get abandoned by their black dad, raised by the white mom, and then all they talk about is how black they are. | |
| Like Mariah Carey and Alicia Keys. | |
| Or Jordan Peele. | |
| Is that the guy who did Get Out? | |
| I always get them confused, Key and Peele. | |
| Yeah, Jordan Peele. | |
| Grew up white as a ghost. | |
| Cory Booker! | |
| Cory Booker grew up with black parents, yes, but he grew up in a totally white neighborhood. | |
| But he wants to be black, because that's cool, so he invented an invisible friend named T-Bone. | |
| Yeah, it reminds me of when I was hanging out with my boy T-Bone. | |
| And then blacks in the northeast, like in Jersey and New York, and they go, yeah, we don't really call each other T-Bone. | |
| Like maybe Cash Money would be a nickname, or Cash, but T-Bone is more of a southern black thing, so you're lying, dude. | |
| No, man, I can't find him right now, yo. | |
| But T-Bone's around, man. | |
| He's a free spirit. | |
| Fucking phony. | |
| White phony. | |
| Anyway... So, uh... Yeah, Drake has just done the coddling. | |
| And this guy, Warren Farrell, he talks about how it is crucial to have a mom. | |
| You need a mom. | |
| Because they tell you you're the greatest ever. | |
| They make you feel good. | |
| You realize that everyone shits their pants. | |
| And that's the way life is. | |
| Sure, there's consequences, but your dad can tell you about those. | |
| And then there's no dad. | |
| So you end up with this very me, me, me kind of mentality where your feelings matter. | |
| And in the Stossel video, he goes, so you go, I matter. | |
| I'm important. | |
| My feelings are important. | |
| And then your father goes, okay, you done with that? | |
| You got that? | |
| All right, let me tell you some other things. | |
| Other people's feelings also matter, especially within this family. | |
| My feelings matter. | |
| My dad. | |
| I mean, me here, dad. | |
| Your mother's feelings matter. | |
| Your sibling's feelings matter. | |
| And now let's expand to the community. | |
| Your community matters. | |
| Your culture matters. | |
| Your people matter. | |
| And then you start, you know, getting a sense of that. | |
| You realize that you get a sense of selflessness. | |
| And when your mother says, you know, always stand up for yourself, you go, got it. | |
| And then your dad says, always stand up for your family, your community. | |
| Always stand up for your values. | |
| And he sort of expands it. | |
| So you sort of have both. | |
| You know, it's like a cop. | |
| You have the training to defend yourself, but then you also Are taught to go out and help the community and make sure everyone else is okay. | |
| Being a single mom, it's just like a cop that never leaves the police academy. | |
| Just constantly training, training, training. | |
| Making sure he's okay. | |
| Making sure he's okay. | |
| Never actually doing any police work. | |
| I mean, listen to this song. | |
| Me, me, me, no. | |
| No one can hold a candle to me. | |
| I know all these famous people, blah, blah, blah. | |
| Basically, just... You know, I lived in Williamsburg for about ten years, and that's a Puerto Rican neighborhood. | |
| Hasidic Jews and Puerto Ricans, which is quite a combo. | |
| But you'd just be walking down the street, and you'd see a young man, thirteen, who's had his hair cut. | |
| They seem to get haircuts. | |
| Hispanic New Yorkers seem to get haircuts every four or five days. | |
| Redoing their fade. | |
| And it's mathematically perfect. | |
| And then there's just a kid there, 16, getting a mani-pedi. | |
| Just getting his toes did. | |
| You know, they were getting, obviously not colors, not a fag, but just getting the cuticles pushed back and a nice little sort of sheen, getting my toes done, yep. | |
| Yeah, I'll be there in a bit, I gotta get my toes done. | |
| Now, a dad's supposed to smack you upside the head and go, you got your what done? | |
| You're not even supposed to have seen your toes! | |
| Men don't have toes! | |
| But they don't get that. | |
| So they just get 50% of it. | |
| They just get the me, my feelings, my feelings. | |
| And the reason that I was so interested in this, because I've started noticing, my wife and I, the roles we have. | |
| Like, we went on this road trip, the vacation, and I did 100% of the driving, which sucks sometimes. | |
| Like, I hate anything over five hours. | |
| Six hours, you just start to, you want to kill yourself. | |
| It's so fucking boring. | |
| And I can't listen to something like a podcast that I would want to listen to, because of all the fucks and shits and stuff. | |
| And I also don't want to put something in my ears, because my wife's sitting right there. | |
| That's rude. | |
| So just... | |
| Plus the kids are watching a movie in the back. | |
| We rented this big van that had a TV screen. | |
| And every time there's a scene with a police siren or something, I freak the fuck out. | |
| We're getting pulled over? | |
| No, that's Smokey and the Bandit. | |
| Oh. | |
| And then we get to our destination, and... | |
| And it's my my job. | |
| I just know it's my job, but I have more upper body strength, right? | |
| It's my job to get all the luggage out of the van and into the thing with the bell hop, right? | |
| And then I may I'm the one who tips the bell hop when we get it up there. | |
| to the room. | |
| She's the one who checks in though. | |
| She's the one who found this hotel and booked it and she goes and checks in. | |
| I don't even know what kind of room we're gonna get. | |
| That's not my department. | |
| And then once the luggage is in the room, bellhop's paid, doors closed, I'm done. | |
| What if the kids are hungry? | |
| That's not my department. | |
| She has to make sure they're fed. | |
| She has to make sure they're clothed. | |
| I make sure that she has money for clothes. | |
| I make sure there's a health- that's another good one, a health plan. | |
| In America, it's really tricky to make sure you're on a health plan. | |
| If you were to just pay cash, like, sign me up! | |
| It's like 3,000 bucks a month. | |
| So you have to get on some sort of program where it's a doohickey and a thingamabobber and you pay into this thingamajoodle. | |
| It takes a long time to set up and to find one that works for you with doctors. | |
| It's a fucking huge pain in the ass. | |
| Usually just find someone who did all their research. | |
| I just asked Ann Coulter who painstakingly researched it for months and said, I'll just do what you did. | |
| But um, that's my job. | |
| But to make sure she like she's it's not her job to make sure I'm fed. | |
| That's not her problem. | |
| I usually just eat the scraps of the kids don't finish. | |
| But if you know, I, that's definitely part of it. | |
| Like when we're at home, it's her job to cook for the family. | |
| And that obviously includes me. | |
| But like say I have a late lunch or say I have to go to a meeting that's... Why am I telling you that? | |
| You can clearly assume that my wife doesn't constantly call me saying, did you have lunch? | |
| Are you okay, sweetheart? | |
| She's not your mama. | |
| But after seeing that video, the Stossel video about dads, I've just sort of been monitoring our behavior in the house and how I've realized that I handle pretty much everything Outside of the house. | |
| The only thing I handle inside the house is big stuff like, uh, repairs and... The temperature is the man's job. | |
| The thermostat is a big fucking deal. | |
| I'm also the corrections officer. | |
| I'm the CEO of Screen Jail. | |
| So I monitor that. | |
| But now that I have my lockbox, all the screens are in there, I can kind of relax Monday to Thursday with the screens. | |
| But my job is to make sure the house never goes below 68 and never goes above 80. | |
| That's a cheapskate's range. | |
| So, I check the weather. | |
| I say, oh, it's not that bad outside right now. | |
| It's 79 or 80, but tomorrow says 92, so I'm not saving any money by turning it off until tomorrow, so I might as well get things cooking now, and we'll get it down to maybe 75 in the house, and we'll ride this heatwave out. | |
| And then I'm checking the weather. | |
| We had a huge thunderstorm yesterday. | |
| Okay, thunderstorm. | |
| Heat's broken. | |
| AC's going off as the thunderstorm is raging. | |
| Now, I'm saving pennies here, but that's not the point. | |
| The point is, I'm just fulfilling my role as the climatologist of the house. | |
| And same with outside. | |
| Oh, the garbage guy hasn't been here in a while. | |
| That's my job. | |
| I wonder, is he mad at me? | |
| Did I park, oh, I probably parked too close to the garbage thing and he can't get in. | |
| All right, reverse the car out. | |
| And also, look up the hours of the local dump, because if he doesn't come today, all our things are full. | |
| I gotta go take it to the, Is this boring you, by the way? | |
| I find it interesting, because no one's ever... My wife and I have never discussed this. | |
| It would never occur to her to handle the garbage. | |
| Recycling, I handle all that, make sure it's the right day. | |
| Wednesdays is the big garbage bags, and I've talked to the guys about that. | |
| I'm the one who sets up the landscaping guys who come by and work on the flower bed or whatever. | |
| It's interesting how these rules happen. | |
| There's some gray areas, too. | |
| Well, you're not sure. | |
| Like, for that van, that's kind of a man's job to choose what van you're going to rent for the trip, but it's also kind of not. | |
| I'll drive a Model T Ford. | |
| Or yesterday, for example, my son had a baseball practice. | |
| Without a second thought, it's just given that I'm going to drive him, drop him off, go pick him up, go get the kids McDonald's on the way back. | |
| That's all my job. | |
| But it's her job to make sure we don't have McDonald's too much. | |
| Like, if we were to eat fast food two days in a row, my wife will have failed. | |
| I wouldn't say anything, but my wife will have failed. | |
| I saw this fucking ridiculous Chelsea Peretti video about not being married, which gets, it's like, cool when you're 25 to say, I'm never getting married. | |
| When you're however old she is, like 42, and she goes, ha ha, I'm not married. | |
| You go, yeah, that's really sad. | |
| Like, Femke Jansen, my wife made me take this Instagram post down, but Femke Jansen had a big birthday party for her dog, Licorice, because he made it to 18. | |
| So she's got all these balloons for this poor, dying mutt with one eye. | |
| And she never wanted kids, and she's so happy to celebrate her birthday with this sad, pathetic loser. | |
| Just like Chelsea, lately, Chelsea, no, oh shit, I said Chelsea Peretti. | |
| What's her name? | |
| Chelsea Handler? | |
| Shit. | |
| I love Chelsea Peretti. | |
| She's awesome. | |
| Chelsea Handler. | |
| Yeah, Chelsea Handler. | |
| Sorry, Peretti. | |
| Chelsea Handler is sitting there, and she's ordering Thai, and she's got some butler, I think, in the video, and it's an ad for her show, and she says, you know, when you're not married, you get to order whatever you want, eat whenever you want, and eat whatever you want. | |
| And I'm watching it going, yeah lady, that's called being married too. | |
| If I came home and my wife said, oh, I've had a rough day, I don't feel like cooking, let's just order Thai. | |
| What do you think 99% of dads across the country are gonna do? | |
| Fuck that. | |
| No way, Buster Brown. | |
| We're not getting Thai tonight. | |
| You're getting at that, you get to that stove and you make me some motherfucking spaghetti. | |
| Now! | |
| Cook him some fucking eggs, woman! | |
| As the Maori said in the movie Once Were Warriors? | |
| No. | |
| Obviously. | |
| All men. | |
| Go. | |
| Yeah, okay. | |
| I'm gonna tie it. | |
| I don't care. | |
| It's like when when Stossel said are you racist? | |
| I felt like I had a big long thing planned But I didn't say it because he's into like sentence sentence sentence sentence everyone gets five seconds But I was gonna say all right. | |
| Let's just break this down. | |
| What the fuck does that mean? | |
| That you don't like black people so There's a Mets fan who loves the same shows you do. | |
| Blackadder, Strangers with Candy, Mr. Show. | |
| He loves the movie With Neil and I. He loves the movie Husbands and Wives by Woody Allen. | |
| He loves the movie Animal House is Paramount. | |
| That's the top movie ever. | |
| And he's at the same bar I'm at. | |
| Oh, hey, there's that guy, Dwayne Jackson, who likes all the shit I like. | |
| Uh, hey man, how's it going? | |
| Dwayne says to me. | |
| And I, the racist, go, whatever. | |
| And turn away. | |
| What percentage of the people are like that? | |
| A totally irrelevant fraction. | |
| The Klan is like that. | |
| Yeah, the Klan. | |
| Jesus Christ. | |
| I have heard so much about this tiny group. | |
| There's probably a book club in fucking Dallas that has more members than the Ku Klux Klan. | |
| Yeah, imagine some innocuous woman's book club called the Red Hat Ladies dominating entire conversations for entire elections. | |
| Oh yeah, well the Red Hot Ladies are having a march. | |
| Red Hot Ladies, they got real sexy real fast, right? | |
| They went from hat to hot in three cots and a tot. | |
| No, it's three hots and a cot is what they call prison. | |
| And it's the royal... Now they're the royal hat ladies? | |
| Jesus Christ, my brain sucks. | |
| Anyway. | |
| And then this... So there's a free market of social interaction where people just... People are selfish. | |
| So if someone is gonna make a good pal or a good neighbor, they want them over. | |
| Now I would even argue in America, there's an extra thing where people want a black friend. | |
| Like at my local bar, this black guy, he was a UPS guy, he just comes into the bar and has his lunch, uses a microwave, and has a Gatorade. | |
| Doesn't order shit. | |
| But the less black people you have in a community, the more you cherish them. | |
| And the owners are just like, yay! | |
| A black person is in my bar! | |
| That's so cool! | |
| They have another guy that gives free booze. | |
| He's been there. | |
| He's been a regular for like 30 years and I guess after 30 years you get free drinks. | |
| So the idea that someone has this blinder on, they're going to deny themselves a person because they're a race, is ridiculous. | |
| And then they say, well what about these white bitches who call the cops on some black guy in a swimming pool? | |
| That's called a cunt. | |
| And she annoys a million people. | |
| She tells me my kids are too loud. | |
| She's staring at me because of my tattoos. | |
| She's called an annoying busybody who has a maid and an au pair and doesn't do any work, so she's directing all her energy to policing everyone else. | |
| So yes, she is annoying to those black people. | |
| She's also annoying to us. | |
| We hate her too. | |
| And then they go, what about the free market? | |
| They don't hire black people. | |
| Really? | |
| So there's a resume where a guy sees a black dude who's going to make the company tons of money and he goes, yeah, sorry, I don't want Negroes in my shop. | |
| So despite the fact that this guy is going to help perpetuate a net, And give me more money, make my- and even in HR, when you get bigger companies, the HR guy would go, so, this guy's gonna do great, I'm gonna be a hero, because his resume is amazing, he's a good accountant, he saves companies money, he's not asking for that much in a salary, so I'll be a- I'll get points for hiring him. | |
| Nope. | |
| Not doing it. | |
| Sorry. | |
| I'm going to deny my company profits. | |
| No, it's institutionalized. | |
| It's deeper than that. | |
| Oh, fuck off. | |
| Yeah, it's a virus floating through the air. | |
| It's microaggressions. | |
| You know, when you say something is micro, it means it's small, right? | |
| In other words, it's not a problem. | |
| Like, they say, oh, there's microaggressions. | |
| This Asian guy, people ask him if he's good at math. | |
| Do you have any idea the kind of bullshit tall people have to go through? | |
| Every, like they say, black people go, someone touched my hair. | |
| Some 80 year old touched your hair because she thought it was a hundred years ago and she's a dumb crazy lady. | |
| Leave her alone. | |
| It's not a big deal. | |
| Tall people, people over 6'3", every single day of their life they get asked if they play basketball. | |
| Every single day of their life they get asked how tall they are. | |
| Especially someone who's crazy tall like 6'7". | |
| I'm 6'7". | |
| I did play basketball in high school. | |
| I do not play it anymore. | |
| I wasn't good enough to make any money at it. | |
| But now I work at a book publisher's downtown. | |
| And yes, airplanes are uncomfortable for me. | |
| I do not have a basketball on me at the time. | |
| I haven't played it in a long time. | |
| But I was above average as a player because I am tall. | |
| Yes, thank you. | |
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| It pains me to be around tall people because I'm just waiting for someone to ask that fucking question and I have to go ball them out. | |
| It's just so rude. | |
| But anyway, the tall guy gets over it and no one talks about tall rights and tallism. | |
| You just, you gotta put on your big boy pants and accept that there's gonna be microaggressions. | |
| Jesus Christ, New York is nothing but microaggressions. | |
| The trains, the hot subway, it's just constantly people being a dick. | |
| I got mad there. | |
| But anyway, once you sort of red pill yourself with this mom and dad thing, it is amazing. | |
| And I think this is God's plan. | |
| God's plan. | |
| I think it's God's plan, to paraphrase Drake, that we naturally adhere to these big game, small game rules. | |
| It's much like the cave days. | |
| And it builds good humans. | |
| It builds a human who avoids shitting his pants, but doesn't beat himself up when that inevitably happens occasionally. | |
| Let's give you, you're allowed to shit your pants once a year, starting now. | |
| Twice a year, get your shit together, literally. | |
| Anyway, um, that's it. | |
| That's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him. | |
| What's that from? | |
| That's from a, uh, a show I used to watch as a kid in the 70s. | |
| Oh, now that's gonna bug me. | |
| That's good night from him, and that's good night from me. | |
| And that was... good night from me, good night from him. | |
| That's all we've got time for this evening, so it's good night from me, and it's good night from him. | |
| Good night. | |
| The two Ronnies. | |
| That's what that was. | |
| Isn't the internet amazing? | |
| Normally that would bug me for two days, and I'd have to call my dad or something. | |
| What show did we watch in the 70s? | |
| But please go to CRTV.com and sign up. | |
| Thank you, by the way, to Twitter for banning me because subscriptions have been shooting through the roof. | |
| I'm sure Alex Jones wants to also thank you for making InfoWars the number one app on the internet and making him five million dollars in new subscribers from the ban. | |
| It's like Twitter said, stop giving your shit away for free, make people pay for it. | |
| Alright Jack, maybe after this podcast gets banned we can see another surge. | |
| Ladies, I know you can raise a child on your own. | |
| I know it's possible, and I know the government will help you pull it off. | |
| That ignores the child's rights. | |
| You probably were raised with a single mom, so you focus too much on your own emotions as well. | |
| But divorce and being a single mom, it may be okay for you. | |
| It's bad for the kid. |