Get Off My Lawn Podcast #77 | Strip clubs are like women church
I start out talking about how awesome strip clubs are which doesn’t make sense because I haven’t been to one since my daughter was born. Doesn’t that mean there’s something depraved and sexist about them? Whatever. The bigger picture here is men are depicted as these drooling creeps but we’re actually very reverent. We appreciate women’s bodies. How about women appreciate all the awesome stuff we do like build garbage trucks? Those things are pretty involved. I think we could all do with a heaping dose of reverence and respect for all of man’s creations and that includes strippers.
I think feminists would be impressed if they could go to strip clubs because they'd realize how much men revere women.
Now, I'm kind of tr contradicting myself because I haven't really been since my daughter was born.
She kind of ruined it.
Because now, if I were to go, I just think of the woman's dads, dads the whole time.
So that can be a little bit of a boner killer.
Just constantly wondering where he went wrong.
Because that is our number one.
Used to be our number one goal was to keep them off the poll.
Now it's to keep them off screens and keep them off the poll.
But back before I had kids, we would go all the time.
This might be why Ann Coulter was talking about Proud Boys to me once, and I said, I'd love you to come and do a talk, but you're a woman.
Maybe if you wore a burqa or something, we could have you come by.
Or if you did a video message, I don't know.
And she goes, no, I don't want to ruin your group.
I like that it's exclusive to men.
This is the clubs my dad went to when he was, you know, alive.
And this is the clubs all men, she really went off.
We were discussing this via email.
She really went off on like a two-paragraph thing.
And she said, you know, they got rid of these men's clubs.
And what did men do?
They ended up going to strip clubs to congregate, to be, the term she used was so they could fart in public and not have to pull out chairs for women.
It's funny that we started a club so we can fart.
We started a place where we can fart freely and not have to say, I'm sorry.
But that is true, by the way, about farting in front of men.
We don't think it's gross.
We just go, holy shit, man, you're really sick.
Like you could, a guy, a guy could fart next to you at work in an all-male environment, and it could be the worst fart you ever smelled in your life.
And you'd go, hey, man, what's going on there?
You'd be worried about him.
Or sometimes you'd smell the worst fart in the world and you'd go, wow, that really, really reeks.
Like, I heard the Japanese are like that with Pooh.
My friend married a Japanese guy, and on her first time meeting his parents, she clogged the toilet with turds.
She's slightly overweight, but not really.
And I guess she had a shit that was so insane.
Maybe she, you know what she did?
She probably did what most women do, where they use an entire toilet roll wiping, and they ball it up into like it's a big giant oven mitt of toilet paper, and then that's clogs.
Anyway, she clogged it up and she left some large turds there.
It's every person's, not every woman's, but every person's nightmare is that when you meet your significant other's parents, they have to look at your feces.
But it turned out great because the Japanese to shit are like male friends to farts.
They don't care.
So his dad goes, oh, get the plunger.
And as he's plunging, he goes, oh, this is a very healthy feces.
You have a good digestion system.
Because I guess they were nice firm logs.
That should be her nickname from now on.
Hey, is firm logs there?
Hey, firm logs.
My mom.
Whoops.
My wife has a friend named Fardo because she farted in fifth grade or something.
And she'll still be introducing herself.
And she goes, hi, my name's Jennifer.
Everyone calls me Fardo.
I wonder if that gets to the point where it comes up during sex.
That's when you know a nickname is really a nickname when it's used during lovemaking.
And the man making love to her says, you like that, Fardo?
Oh, Fardo, you feel so good.
I fucking love you, Fardo.
Fuck me, Fardo.
That's when she's pegging him.
I know a guy named Joe Man, and he got his nickname in high school when they were learning about different mans.
Like there was Cro-Magnon Man, and apparently there was a time in our history when we were known as Joe Man.
And this guy liked coffee, his cup of Joe, so everyone called him Joe Man.
And he told me he knew that was his real name when he was having sex, and some girl was like, fuck me, Joe Man.
Anyway, so Anne was saying, yeah, these men end up going to strip clubs where there's no ladies there.
There's plenty of women, but there's no ladies at a strip club.
And I think the female perspective on strip clubs is that it's a bunch of disgusting, horny men just going, oh yeah, drooling and panting and I wouldn't mind touching those tits.
It's not that at all.
It's actually kind of beautiful in many ways.
I don't want any of my offspring or aunts or cousins going.
I don't know why.
I can't really argue that specifically, why.
But we'll just remove that part of the argument because it's inconvenient for my thesis.
And my thesis is, it's actually a beautiful place.
Like, sometimes it's so beautiful, sometimes I get jealous.
Because there'll be this woman, she'll come out to say gangster's paradise, and she's incredibly sexy.
And I was just saying earlier to some co-workers, I have no idea what that's like to be incredibly sexy.
That must be a trip.
You know what I mean?
Guys?
Like, just you, you've got, this is probably why these lunatics like Steph on Knee, that's how it's spelled, had his name Stephanie.
He just became a woman, abandoned his kids.
But I think a lot of it is guys go, that must be awesome to have stilettos on and just have, know everyone in the room is dying to bone you.
You know what I mean?
Like it must feel pretty powerful just standing there being incredibly attractive and knowing that guys are going, oh, okay, try to think about something else.
Try to think about something else.
And they're trying to do business with you.
Okay, these are going to be done on Sunday.
I don't know if you're around.
Come by the office.
Meanwhile, men have this little guy on an exercise bike in the back of their mind thinking about sex constantly.
I've said this before, but even when your friend's fat grandmother brings you some Noki, part of you is like, if you had lingerie on, we could probably work something out.
Always, that machine's always going.
So all you can do is just throw a tarp on it and be like, don't worry about that.
Like, you know, those blankets you use for painting, a big white canvas sheet.
You just throw it over the guy on the bike.
We'll get through the day.
I can hang out with incredibly beautiful women.
I just won't pay attention to the cyclist.
But imagine how cool it would be if women had that and they were just like, holy fuck, Avan McInnes.
Oh my god.
His legs.
Oh, his legs.
I think that's why men send dick pics because they temporarily forget that we are totally fucking different.
Totally different to our cores.
And they pretend that women are like men just for a second.
I mean, feminists aren't helping with this.
And they go, well, I'd like to look at tits.
I'd like to look at a picture of this woman's vagina.
Ergo, she'd love to see my penis.
Here you go.
Now, a penis is God's way of saying that women are the fairer sex.
He purposely made a bag look insane just to really hammer it home.
I mean, he left a lot of clues all over the male body.
Obviously, the toes, hairy toes.
Men seem to be able to ignore this and wear flip-flops, which boggles the mind.
But if you look at a man's inner thigh, honestly, if an alien landed here, he could look at a naked lady and a naked man, and he would go, this one is the hot one.
I don't know what this guy better be smart or better be a good provider or something because this is not working.
That's another possibility is he forgot genitalia on the assembly line and went, oh shit.
And at the last minute, just went and stuck on a penis and balls.
And Adam was sort of going, what the, are you kidding me?
Because a bag is not attractive.
You can shave it.
You can put some foundation on it.
It looks like an alien's head upside down.
There's no saving a bag.
And women have accepted that.
I think women actually have developed this trait where they kind of like how gross we are.
Like they appreciate a beer belly and a hairy back.
And they like sort of sexually being dominated by this disgusting guy who looks like a Russian janitor with like a shitty mustache and his comb over sort of falling off.
Like they get into the ugliness of it.
They're sort of like metal heads, death metalheads in that sense, where they can appreciate the horror that is a naked man.
But that's why I'm so jealous, or I get jealous, or I used to get jealous when I go to strip clubs, because I thought, I couldn't imagine coming out to my favorite song, let's say Running With the Boss Sound by Generation X. Well, I'm rockabilly beat now.
And the forgot the words.
Cine moon compound.
And the heavy metal comes down.
And the punk rockers all round.
That's you and I found.
And I just come out there fucking nude in my low-cut white chucks.
And I'm like, yeah, you and I found.
And as I'm dancing around nude, these women are sitting, sipping their beers, just mesmerized by my balls and cock.
You know, like in Montreal, they have full nudity.
And women will bend over, listening to Gangster's Paradise by Coolio or some other stripper song.
And they'll do their pole dance, which is pretty impressive, by the way, those pole dances.
I tried it once.
I don't know if it's men have different areas of gravity or something, but I couldn't even come close to any stripper dance.
I don't know how they do it.
It's really impressive.
And by the way, black kids on the subway who do those dumb dances and then you ask for money, you're stripping.
You're on a stripper pole.
And if I was strong enough to take on eight, 16-year-old black kids on the train, I would point that out to you, that you're doing stripper dances.
I've considered selling the Kurds do it in a Russian voice, like, hello, I am tourist here.
I am very interested in your dancing.
This is from strip club?
I see women doing similar dance on poles where they swing around.
Is this called strip club dance?
No, man, it's totally different.
This is like cool rap shit.
Oh, because it appears.
I've been to strip club and it is indistinguishable from ladies, what ladies do when they are naked trying to seduce men.
Are you seducing men?
Is that what this is?
Are you homosexual?
But I don't quite have the fighting skills to pick a fight with eight black teenagers.
I might in movies, but not in real life.
Anyway, so these women will bend over, and Montreal has full nudity, and there's just a guy sipping his beer, and her anus is like an inch from his face.
Can you imagine you as a dude bending over with your big long bag hanging down, your hairy asshole with a hemorrhoid on it, and there's a woman sipping a Courselite just in awe of the beauty that is before her?
The unmitigated, sculpted, chiseled scrotum that is lying, hanging in front of her.
And just like, and if she touches you, I sort of did a sketch on this, if women are as horny as men, funny or die, or woman as horny as men, it's called.
And if she were to dare follow her impulses and just touch your sacred bag with one finger, just like one, just poke one swinging ball, she would instantly be removed, kicked out of the club on her ass, maybe roughed up on the way out.
It's a different, the fact that we pretend that women are the same as men, nowhere is that more evident than in the strip club.
Go to a strip club for women, and it's the least sexual thing around.
It's more like Barnum and Bailey.
It's clowns.
Women are laughing their fucking heads off, screaming hysterically.
It's almost kind of like a parody of sex.
Now, I've never been to a black one.
I'm heard those can get pretty darn sexual where they sort of hump each other.
But the ones I've seen and the pictures I've seen, I've never been inside, but you see them and stuff.
And my wife will be at a bachelorette party and she'll show me pictures.
And it's just these women laughing their fucking heads off.
Mascara streaming down their face, doing blowjob shots, which I guess is just like whipped cream.
And then the shot is in the whipped cream or something.
There's a cherry on top.
And then they have to do the shot out of the guy's weird little Skecher JC Penny underpants.
The non-wife front underwears that these muscular men wear.
And they're laughing their heads off.
Not at a strip club for men.
Strip club for men, very Quiet, and I think a lot of women see it as sad.
It's not sad per se, it's not sad, like disgusting.
It's sad, like some of the men are pretty darn lonely, I think.
Like when you see a guy off in the corner and he's paying her $20 per song, but not to grind him, to listen to him talk about how the custody went so bad for him and how he only sees his kids once a week at best, usually once every two weeks.
And she's just sitting there nude.
She knows him.
That's like Dan.
And she sits with Dan.
How's it going with the custody?
Not great.
Not great.
She now gets Wednesdays, so I only have every second weekend.
And they just sit, you're just talking to a hot nude chick.
And they have that weird shit on their skin.
What is that?
You touch a stripper's skin, and it's like kind of rubbery and smooth at the same time.
You know what I mean?
They have some sort of cream they put on that's really weird.
It makes them seem like dolls.
But yeah, I haven't really been in 11 years.
But I don't have a problem with them.
And they're not what you think they are.
And they really show, I think, a pretty endearing side of men.
Okay?
So shut up, bitching about fucking strip clubs, you bitch.
God, you know, I used to go with this guy, Sharky, and Brooklyn was full of strip clubs.
He used to like to go to the Eastern European ones, and they seem to be divided by race in a sense.
But I guess the only way you get white girls to be sad enough to become strippers is when they're Eastern European.
But that bums me out.
I don't like that.
I don't like the, like, when I hear the accent, I think of sexual slavery.
I think of some Romanian street urchin who's been stolen by a snakehead and smuggled here in a container.
And now she's like the Tina Turner song, Private Dancer.
I'm your dancer for money.
I'll do what you want me to do.
Just give me blue jeans one day.
No thanks.
Slavery isn't exactly, slavery doesn't give me a boner.
No offense, Eastern Europeans.
So we'd end up at these seedy ones.
There was one called Foxes, and it's just disgusting.
And I'm sorry if I'm repeating stories and you've heard this before, but this is one of my favorites.
We go to this strip called Foxes.
I'm there with my friend Trevor.
And this woman had on black socks, like dad's socks, with her stripper shoes.
That's my shit, by the way.
Maybe it's because my libido was developed in the 80s with the ZZ Top Video legs.
And all these girls wore little frilly ankle socks with red high-heel shoes.
And I'm just like, you could put that on my dad.
And I would go, wow, looking fucking hot, dad.
And you could put it on a horse.
And I would say, that horse is, I'm not going to fuck it, but that's a pretty hot horse.
And they do it in Italy all the time.
Italian women will have shoes with black socks that go halfway up their calves.
Not like sexy knee highs.
I'm talking like your dad's socks, just like work socks that go up just above the ankle.
Black, that with like a bare leg and shoes.
Whoa.
I don't know why more women don't do it.
It's probably more comfortable too.
Not big fat American apparel gym socks that are going to bulge over the high-heel shoe.
Thin material.
We could even go as thin as lace.
I don't give a shit.
So she had the clear stripper shoes, which I'm not a fan of.
I don't know why they crunch up your toes and they look stupid.
Like, why not just wear normal high-heel shoes?
I never really understood the clear stripper shoe.
It's so wildly impractical.
And it's like, I need to see all of your foot.
No, I'm fine with not seeing your whole foot.
Don't worry.
You don't need to have a window on the top of your shoe.
But every single girl wears those.
Wear thigh-high boots.
Why not?
You know?
Anyway, so she's wearing those, but she has black socks on.
And I said, we're smiling at her and we go, we like your socks.
And she thinks we're fucking with her.
Probably she can tell that we're white guys and we're not Puerto Rican and we're not from the neighborhood.
We're kind of dressed hipstery and she senses that there's some irony in this visit.
There's zero irony in the visit, my dear.
And so she leans down and her breasts, she's a Puerto Rican.
She's probably had three kids by the age of 20.
And so her breasts are pendulous.
You get, you know, flabbier tits when you have more kids, which I'm a big fan of.
Another thing women don't understand about men, our spectrum of what's attractive widens greatly as we get older.
So when you're 19 and a girl can fit one pencil under her tit, you want to throw up.
When you're 48, if a girl doesn't have a zit on her ass, you're like, get her out of here.
What are we doing?
I don't want to be with a Barbie doll.
I want her breasts to hang like sausages.
She's not fat enough.
So she leans down and she has to sort of hold her breasts to her chest or else they'd hit us in the face.
And she says, she said, she's chewing gum and she goes, they're for medicinal purposes.
Like a Puerto Rican Tony Soprano.
It's a very difficult situation.
They're for medicinal purposes.
And I look at him after she leaves and I'm like, could you say a less sexy thing in the English language than socks are for medicinal purposes?
The best that gets is their orthopedic support socks.
That's the best scenario.
Worst scenario is she has eczema or psoriasis or something and she has flaky sores all over her toes and feet and the bottom of her feet.
She has athlete's foot.
And so she has to sort of squirt like Armin Hammer rub A535 Nivea sauce in her socks and then put on her socks that are wet with creams.
That was the end of that fucking vibe.
No coconut smashers here.
That place has since shut down.
But Cormac McCarthy has a line in the road where he says, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too.
And when Sharky and I would go to these strip clubs, I firmly believe our trip there was way more fun than the actual strip club.
It was like once we got there, we sort of went, let's get out of here.
This was a fun trip.
We would be doing blow.
We'd be listening.
We always played the same song, Rosalita.
And it's about six minutes long.
And we're driving through Greenpoint and the shitty parts of Queens.
And, you know, it's got all these breakdowns in it.
And then there's that, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, towards the end.
And we'd just be pounding the dash with our fists.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, like real guy stuff and laughing our heads off.
And then we'd finally, you know, it's easy to get parking and then you wander in and it's just like a bunch of dudes staring at buttholes, making you jealous that you don't have that kind of admiration.
And then you just want to go home after.
But yeah, there was a few.
One time we were at the strip club and Dan and I are cheap.
Oops, I just gave Way's real name.
Sharky and I are cheap.
So we would not get lap dances, maybe put a dollar in between her tits when she came by.
But, you know, she'd only come by about every 15 minutes.
So you ended up spending like a crazy night for us at strip clubs.
We'd spend maybe $40.
We are cheap skates.
He's Irish, I'm Scottish.
And our friends, they'd, God, I remember our buddies would just be at the ATM like four times because you could only get out $200 max at the time.
So he'd be there three times.
And I'm thinking, dude, $600?
What are you, at a casino?
That's even, that's a lot for me at a casino.
I don't like spending more than $200 at blackjack.
And that's not the vibe.
I mean, you're just a sucker if you keep going for these stupid lap dances where she just sort of almost lets you touch her.
No, thank you.
I'm here to admire ladies like a church.
I don't want to be sort of bamboozled into spending $20 a song.
So anyway, we would just sit and talk and they would come by and they'd realize there's no money there.
And sometimes as the night went on, the other girls would tell the other girls, like, don't waste your time.
Those guys are cheapskates.
But after they were done talking to all the Coke dealers and everything, they would come back to us because they were bored and we were funny.
So then we would just hang out for free and make jokes and stuff and get to know them.
Holy shit, I just remembered I got one of their phone numbers once.
And I thought, this can't be the real phone number.
And we were wasted and it was like five in the morning.
And I called her and her, she was Puerto Rican and her mom answered.
And her mom was like, do you think that's normal to call someone at five in the morning?
Are you crazy?
I'm like, is this really Sandy's place?
Her name was not Sandy, obviously.
And so I'm hanging out with Sharky and there's this probably a Coke dealer, a Russian illegal guy doing illegal stuff.
And he had an all-white tracksuit on.
And we go to the bathroom, probably to do some bumps.
And I'm in the bathroom, and he has a red stain, a small red little dime-sized circle on his sweatpants.
He had been menstruated on.
And he was trying to block it out.
And I sympathize with him.
You know, when you do that, like when there's something that's terrible, your brain doesn't want to give it to you all in one dose.
So it sort of doles out the truth.
Like if you lose your wallet, your brain goes, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't lose it.
You didn't lose it.
It could be another pants.
It could be another pants.
And you know what?
It's probably in your jacket.
And you're saying to your brain, I've never put my wallet in my jacket in my life.
Well, maybe that's an exception.
You know, it's an exception.
Sometimes if I'm checking to see if I lost my wallet, like when I'm wearing pants, I won't just grab my butt where my wallet is because it's too much information.
And if the bat news is bad, then you'll just have a heart attack.
So I'll just sort of start on the seam of my pants and sort of creep towards the pocket.
So you'll, you know, if there's nothing there, you slowly get the news that your back pocket is empty.
And he was doing that with his menstrual leg.
And me and Sharky just go, dude, you know what that is.
Stop.
And he's got a paper towel and it's all wet and he's furiously scrubbing his white track pants.
And we're looking at him and we're basically just saying, dude, let the truth seep in.
Just like the menstrual stain seeped into your pants, you have to let the truth seep into your brain that there's nothing else that could possibly be.
What, did someone prick you with the pin on your thigh?
No.
We're at a club where naked ladies sit on your pants.
And right where that naked lady sat, there is now a dime-sized red circle.
Maybe she has a scab on her butt that got picked off?
Nope.
That doesn't happen.
No one has a giant scab on their butt.
You've been menstruated.
The end.
You are a human always with wings.
You are a maxi pad.
You're a Russian coke dealing maxi pad, and you just did some absorbing.
You have to go home.
I mean, what are you going to do?
Actually, I wouldn't go home.
I'd just be like, hey, I'm menstrual guy.
Take it or leave it.
It's not my fault.
By the way, speaking of menstruating, do you understand this shit going on with these trannies and women bleeding?
Well, first, like, there's so many facets here, but first there's free bleeding, right?
Which was women menstruating without a pad to show they're not ashamed.
And I don't want to feel the stigma of menstruation.
Outside of Rastafarians, who make blood clot the worst possible word in their culture, we don't really give a shit about menstrual blood.
There's no stigma there.
We know 100% of women do it.
So by definition, you can't be a freak.
If 100% of your gender does a thing, then people aren't going to go, oh, look what the cat dragged in.
That menstruator.
I hate that she doesn't.
That's like not liking people because they shit.
Yeah, Eddie's an okay guy.
Did you know every morning he has explosive diarrhea?
No, I did not know that.
Yep.
Pretty gross, huh?
Yeah, he's not coming by the house anymore.
I don't want them getting poo on our furniture.
No one's ever ever This sort of goes back to the strip cup thing, too.
I resent that we're depicted as these uptight people who hate all this shit about women.
We have no rules.
Now, gays are very critical of women.
Women are very critical of women.
But we don't really sit there going, yeah, her butt cheeks are asymmetrical.
No, thanks.
We don't even notice.
We're just like, it's a lady.
She'll be with me.
I love everything about her.
Oh my God, she farted.
That's awesome.
It's women who go, eh.
I can't believe she's that person so last year, garouse.
I remember being in high school and I liked this girl, Kim, and word got out, and all the girls go, she's super fat.
And I didn't even really know what that was.
This is back in the 80s when people weren't really fat.
There was no like obese, obese woman.
And I didn't know she was fat until everyone, ill, garouse, she's got like cankles.
I bet you a woman came up with the term cankles.
I bet it wasn't a man.
Men could give less of a shit.
And by the way, guys, if your lady has cankles, high-heel shoes, make them vanish.
Poof, they're gone.
But there's these so, God, it's so exhausting.
It's funny how liberals demand that you follow all their rules.
And when you even sort of peel back one layer of the onion to look at their rules, you go, this is like a really long homework assignment.
You know, you change it from black to person of color.
Why do you got to make everything so much harder?
Can't you just be like, I'm sick of you racists.
From now on, call blacks buh.
Oh, okay, that's easy.
B. That's faster.
But no, it's always seven more syllables.
And so the newest thing is like women who were born women, cis women, they now identify as male and they still menstruate.
And why do you have a problem with that?
Well, it's kind of confusing for one.
None of my other male friends menstruate.
And it also, isn't menstruation God made, your body built a baby house for a month and no babies moved in.
And the baby house has to always be fresh as a daisy because it has a baby in it.
You want it to be a nice apartment.
So when it's been a month, the apartment looks like shit according to God.
He's like, not good enough.
Sorry.
There's one piece of flake out of paint on one of the rooms.
Trash the whole thing.
So the apartment comes out of her body.
It gets thrown in the dumpster, in the always with wings, on the Russian Coke dealer's pants.
And then they start building a new house.
It takes about 10 days.
If you try to move in a baby within those 10 days, it's not going to work.
She won't get pregnant.
But then the house is rebuilt.
Why is that happening in a dude?
Isn't that kind of confusing?
So I'm sorry I don't instantly totally get my buddy.
My buddy menstruating.
Hey, why can't Ed come to polka night?
Ah, he's on the rag.
Fucking Ed.
Meanwhile, if these women, these trans women, they all end up hanging out with lesbians.
They all look like Justin Bieber 10 years ago.
They dress like weird little young white boy wiggers with their sideways baseball hats and their low-slung jeans and their undershirts.
It's a very weird look.
It's sort of like you see Orthodox Jews and you go, why did you choose that one time to be your uniform for life?
1842, German, very square Jewish people.
That's our look forever.
We're going to wear like a long coat in July in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
It's the same with these trans lesbians.
They just, they chose such a weird type of guy.
I want to be Justin Bieber in 1998, forever.
Okay.
But they don't hang out with dude dudes.
Like, hey, what's up?
And dude dudes, we talk about shit a lot.
Shit and farts.
Like you wouldn't want to hear, I wouldn't do a podcast of dudes hanging out because you'd think it was a bunch of gastrointestinologists, gastro, and what the fuck are they called?
You know those guys, gastroentrologists, whatever.
They do astronomy by looking at your anus with a camera.
They give you a colonoscopy and then they tell you what your sign is.
So they're called gastroanologists.
But yeah, the way we talk about disgusting stuff and like horrible accidents, like, yeah, yeah.
No, he dropped the tractor bucket, hit his toe, and he had to take his toes off.
And he kept them.
He has two of the toes in a jar in alcohol.
Oh, can I see him?
Like one time, my friend, he shit green, bright green, and he got, what the fuck?
That's insane.
And he put it in a jar.
And we noticed the jar on his windowsill over time.
The green left the poo.
And it sort of, this is a little tiny nugget, by the way.
And it left the poo and sort of surrounded the poo in like a green, like an orb, like it was a green lantern poo.
It had magical powers.
It could turn into anything it wanted to, but it chose to remain as poo.
That's the thing about America.
If you're still poor and you can't make ends meet, you're choosing to remain as poo.
So, yeah, if women could, like, also this thing with Proud Boys where you get beat up, that started in high school with me, where if you fart, you have to say safety.
And if someone says slut, before you say safety, everyone gets to beat you up.
Can you imagine one of these trans women having to go through that?
You didn't say safety, dude.
And you farted, so I got to pound the shit out of you.
Oh, man.
So they don't really want to be men.
They want to be women dressed up as men as kind of a joke.
Anyway, so these men menstruate, right?
And they're mad that we have a problem with it.
Why do you care what I think?
That's another weird thing, too.
So these men are free bleeding.
So they're allowing their menstrual blood to fill their white jeans and then they're going, see, I'm not ashamed.
Great.
I just shit my pants to show you that I'm not ashamed that I shit.
What do you think?
Did I smash some stereotypes about poo?
But it gets weirder.
So there's also these dudes.
I love telling my parents all this shit too.
Like, so what's going on now with us?
What's a sus male?
Like, okay, dad, here's the story.
So there's also dudes who identify as female and they want to use the women's bathroom and everything.
Not a trans bathroom, a woman's bathroom.
I'm a woman.
And by the way, guys, when you become woman, why are you so fucking half-assed?
You have a sweatshirt on, you have wedges instead of high-heel shoes, and then just jeans and a bit of makeup on and a wig.
If you're going to go woman, go all out, have a poodle skirt, have bobby socks, have tons and tons of makeup on, have an Angora cardigan.
Like you abandon your entire gender, your entire background.
You gave your dad nightmares for what?
To become a tomboy?
A tomboy is basically a dude.
Like David Bowie during his glam years is more feminine than you.
So why did you, it's sort of like moving to China and then just hanging out at the Hard Rock Cafe in Beijing and never meeting any Chinese people and not learning Chinese.
Why did you go all the way to fucking China?
You're obviously not into it.
Anyway, the ones that are super into it are mad, or I don't know what you want to call it.
They demand that we accept that they too menstruate out of, I don't know, their bag, their taint.
Where does the tampon go up your ass?
And they claim, it's obviously purely psychological.
Obviously.
That's my new favorite word, by the way, when I'm talking to the kids and stuff.
Hey guys, the back door's open.
The AC's getting out.
Close the back door.
Obviously.
Everything I say is obvious.
And I'm amazed I have to say it.
Don't punch your brother.
Now he's crying.
Now you guys can't be friends.
Now you can't hang out.
That's ruined the whole foosball session.
Obviously.
And this is obvious too.
So it's obvious that these guys are not experiencing PMS.
Do they experience menopause?
I'm 48.
Would I be going through menopause right now?
Do you invent hot flashes?
Do you just turn up the heat to 85 so you can have a hot flash?
Go to the sauna.
But they want to experience menstruation, and they obviously can't get the blood thing going.
Please don't try, folks at home.
If you identify as female in your cyst, please don't make yourself bleed.
But at least they say we definitely do get PMS.
So on the 28th day of their cycle, they get moody and irrational.
And the amazing thing about this, I'll probably say this on CRTV tonight because we're doing a segment on it, but why do you want all this shitty stuff about being a chick?
Like feminists are kind of smart when they whine.
They go, we want to be in action movies.
We want to be movie directors.
We want to go to strip clubs.
We want all the fun stuff.
And they never complain about their lack of representation in sanitation or agriculture.
They don't say, I want to bale more hay.
Why don't I get to drive the combine?
Why don't I risk losing my arms in the shredder?
Why don't I work at the meatpacking plant with giant razor-sharp hatchets and almost cut my thumb off 50 times a day?
They don't want any of this shitty stuff.
And I understand that.
Shitty sucks.
That's why they call it shitty.
But these dudes who become woman, they're like, I want menopause.
I want to have to sleep with always with wings stuck to my panties.
I want to be sluggish three days for every month.
I want to have trouble saying words.
That's how I can always tell, by the way, if my wife is getting there, she'll start getting dyslexic and get words wrong.
Another way you can tell if your wife is approaching that day, you'll be having an argument and you'll say something logical and the argument won't let up.
In fact, it will intensify.
And you go, that's weird.
Usually my life partner is very rational and we come to conclusions together in a reasonable way, which is, I know that sounds, a lot of you married guys are going, what?
You're lucky.
My wife's fucking nuts.
Well, you haven't been married long enough.
I've been with my wife since 2001, before we got married.
And we're just inmates now in this cell.
And it's not the most romantic metaphor.
But if you're in a cell with a dude for a life sentence, you don't fight.
What are you going to do?
Get in a fist fight with him?
How is that going to win?
So you just, if you're really, really mad, instead of fighting, you might sleep in a different room or just leave.
But having a fight after knowing someone for almost 20 years, it's just a waste of time.
But you'll notice that there is a weird fight on the 28th day.
And you'll go, yeah, I'm going to stop this fight now because it's being fueled by menstruation, not rationality.
And these dudes go, I want some of that.
I want a piece of this.
Now, I get sexy to bring it all back to the beginning.
I totally get that.
It kind of sucks that men will never know what it's like to have someone drool.
You idiots sending dick pics.
It's never going to happen.
Women see an erection as a tool.
It's like a hard drive.
Like, no one looks at a computer's hard drive and goes, oh yeah, what a beautiful machine.
It's like the, what's that thing on a car?
The accelerator?
No, the thing that always goes out, the attrition, the alternator.
It's like the alternator in a car.
If it starts fucking up, the whole engine's dead.
Your car is useless.
You got to get a new alternator.
You got to get your alternator fixed.
That's how women see penises.
It's just the thing.
Like they don't sit there staring at it going, that is one hell of a cock.
Wow.
Now, there might be one person out there who goes, actually, I was, someone, some chick recommended or requested a dick pic.
I believe that may have happened once, but I don't think she got it and went, oh yeah, finally a penis I can stare at.
I think it's more like a currency.
Like it shows that you trust her and she appreciates that.
And, you know, she knows it's not a micro penis or something.
And it's more just like, I appreciate that you trusted me enough to send me that and you're serious.
You know, it definitely isn't like the idea of a woman sitting down and doing a watercolor of your dick is just unfathomable.
It's not going to happen.
And I totally get that.
I feel the same way.
It must be cool to be sexy.
It must be fun.
I definitely remember I was maybe 16 and I was breathtakingly gorgeous.
And I think I remember this woman cat calling me like, oh yeah, I wouldn't mind a piece of that.
Yeah.
That, I believe, is the only time in my 48 years, and that was maybe eight seconds, and they could have been being sarcastic.
That's the only time I've experienced it.
Now, basically, every girl who's like a 5.9 and up gets it on a daily basis of just dudes just going, what a fucking fox.
Even like a five, if she's wearing, you know, high heel shoes and socks and there's some cleavage happening and she's managed to grow her hair.
That's all you have to do, ladies.
Don't be incredibly fat.
Have long hair.
Wear high heel shoes.
Ladies, if you're lonely, listen closely.
Long hair, bit of cleavage, high heel shoes.
I don't care what's in the middle.
It could be sweatpants and a hockey jersey, as long as there's high heel shoes at the bottom and long hair at the top.
And you don't have to wear high heel shoes every day.
If you wear high heel shoes three days a week, Three times a week from sunrise to bedtime, you will find a man.
And it helps if you go to bars and you're around at last call, but I know you're not just like, it's easy to get late, I guess, as a woman, but you're looking for a dude.
But so I don't even know what your social life is.
I don't think it's that important.
But just high-heel shoes and long hair and don't be huge and we'll work something out.
That's the deal with women.
And I mean, that's the way God designed it because he thought, I just, it's easy to get the dude horny.
He just has a penis.
Like, you can see this with spiders.
A male spider fucks a female spider.
He's a fifth of her size because God put all the weight on the woman, like all the intricacies and the reproductive systems and all that fancy stuff is in the female spider.
So it's huge.
It's got to cram all that stuff in there.
The dude is just...
And you can tell by a naked human that he wasn't really, he wasn't up all night working on this design.
I mean, if I was to send you a picture of me naked right now, you would laugh your fucking head off.
I look like Grover with alopecia wearing a Santa Claus beard.
But yeah, the female spider will often eat the male spider after he's done impregnating her because might as well eat some food.
That's why guys get tattoos because our bodies are just whatever.
I don't care.
I'm going to draw on it.
I have a tattoo of a gravestone on my arm I'm looking at right now and it says Greg and Tiny Toes.
Those are my daughter's hamsters who passed and I have a testament to that.
I also have a top hat with Crickety Cricket written below it because my son, my middle son, Duncan, he thought that Jiminy Cricket was called Crickety Cricket.
And it was the cutest thing in the world.
And I kept nagging him.
I'd go, hey, what's Pinocchio's friend there, the little grasshopper?
And he'd go, God, Dad, why do you keep forgetting?
His name's Crickety Cricket.
How many times have we been through this?
And I got the tattoo.
And then when he discovered it was Jiminy Cricket, he sort of broke it to me.
Yeah, hey, I got some bad news.
Your tattoo is wrong.
It's actually, I realize now it's Jiminy Cricket.
Thanks.
He speaks normal English now.
And all I'm left with is one kid with his cutisms.
Like just today, he said, hey, can you still see my bruise or is it fainting?
Yeah, your bruise is fainting.
Anyway, it's gross to discuss kids in a podcast that's about stripping and sex.
But the moral of this story is, gentlemen, I know you see a beautiful woman in high-heel shoes, and obviously you're trying to do her.
That's a doy.
But also part of you goes, that must be weird.
Well, that's where it begins and ends, my friend.
Like I look at baseball and I look at Noah Syndegard throw a ball at 100 miles an hour and I go, that must be weird.
The fastest, if I could break my arm whipping a ball and I might get up to 45 miles an hour, a slow ball for him is twice that.
I just can't get my mind around that.
That's something I'll never experience.
Big fucking deal.
Sorry, trannies.
You can't just buy a woman on a shelf.
You can't put on a Noah Syndergaard hat with a blonde wig and now you identify as Noah Syndergaard.
There's some things that are just meant to be a mystery.
There's some things you can't have, you spoiled brats.
You have to look at them and just, instead of wanting them like you're gollom and it's the ring, oh my precious, my precious, I must have femininity and being sexy, I must have it.
You should just revere it, like the guy drinking his beer looking at the woman's asshole.
That's a beautiful anus.
Women are much prettier than men.
My anus looks like a holocaust.
It looks like the end of the world.
It looks like something at a dune.
A woman's anus, it looks like the center of an orchid.
Reminds me of the guy, the kid, a joke about a kid.
He asks his dad, what does a vagina look like?
And his dad goes, before or after sex.
And the son goes, I don't know what that means.
And he goes, well, there's two types.
And the kid goes, before sex?
And he goes, it looks like an orchid at dawn with dewdrops on it, you know, in the spring in a botanical garden.
And the kid goes, oh, okay.
And what does it look like after sex?
And the dad says, it looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
That joke always cracks me up.
I heard another funny racist one on Kumiya's show, too.
He said, the guy goes, I didn't know that slopes was a racist term for Asians.
I never knew that.
I don't know why.
No one told me.
So, you know, I was going skiing the other day and I said to these gooks, hey, gooks, you want to go hit the slopes?
And they were super offended.
The war on good jokes is the war on hate speech.
Anyway, yeah, instead of just demanding that you acquire it and you get it somehow, like these cunts who came up with those parameters at UCB on sketches and how to do trans-positive comedy and what rules.
You know, one of the things in this UCB flyer was you cannot use the term straight man anymore.
Like in jokes, you know, there's the jokey guy and the straight man.
You have to call him voice of reason.
Now, you know what that really is?
That's ugly fat losers who aren't funny wanting to the comedy of comedy clubs, wanting to be part of the funny crowd.
So they can't do it on meritocracy.
They can't do it on funniness.
So they just sort of Trojan horse their way in as the thought police.
And these are my rules as the head of the trans sketch comedy police.
And so they, because they're trying to acquire something.
They're trying to get a talent, a God's gift.
They're trying to take a gift away.
And I just, I really hate that kind of fucking culture.
I can't say enough about the culture of reverence.
It makes everything your favorite movie.
Like I go outside.
I remember Margaret Sanger of all people, the founder of Planned Parenthood.
Sorry to be quoting her pro-lifers, fellow pro-lifers.
But she just said, sometimes I look on the streets and I'm just in awe of man's creations.
And, you know, when you see this garbage truck or a ski lift where the top closes down Or an elevator, like you could spend a thousand years trying to recreate that from scratch and you wouldn't even come close.
Even this sound equipment, I'm really impressed by.
I mean, I took that kind of stuff in high school.
We'd start, you know, do computer programming and shit like that.
And I was just, I would, it's like playing an instrument.
Like, I took a few lessons on guitar and went, nope, this is way too fucking hard.
Now when I see someone playing guitar, even bands that I don't like, like OAR, I could not be into that band less.
But when I see them and there's 80,000 people there, I go, Jesus, you guys made a bunch of songs that a lot of people really appreciate.
Congratulations.
Great work.
Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I've done a lot of stuff, but you know, the more you accomplish, the less you trivialize others' accomplishments.
And I think the reason that we have this bratty spoiled, I want that.
I want to acquire womanhood.
I want to acquire comedy.
You didn't build that.
I'm not impressed with a garbage truck.
Whatever.
It's stupid.
I think that comes from people not accomplishing things.
It comes from illegals doing their jobs and never having a job and never starting a business.
Fucking, before you shit on an entrepreneur, open a lemonade stand.
Make $100 and have one, no, start anything and have one employee.
And then you can shut down the business, then get back to me and tell me how the rich are evil and everyone's greedy.
Anyway, I am here to support a culture of reverence.
And that extends from a stripper's asshole all the way to those giant things that build ocean-going paddle steamers.
And those weird containers, you know, those shipping containers, the ships that carry shipping containers, the machines that build those ships, I just, my jaw hits the floor when I see them.
Just fucking amazing.
And by the way, when you see the East, the non-Western world try to duplicate it, you just go, Jesus, you guys suck.
You're not good at our stuff.
You're like 500 years away, and it's not because of white privilege or wealth or Western privilege or cheating.
We didn't cheat when we made the F-15 fighter jet.
We just made an awesome plane.
And I am fucking impressed by it.
I'm impressed by the XM1 tank.
I believe the fastest tank there is.
My dad worked on that, by the way.
Anyway, now I'm babbling.
So yeah, I've made my point.
Please go to CRTV.com and sign up for Get Off My Lawn.
You can use the passcode Gavin.
I think it gets you $10 off.
You don't get a free mug, by the way.
I was wrong.
That was a brief promotional thing.
So I apologize for pretending that you were going to get a mug.
I was wrong about that.
But yeah, we've got a fun show.
I got Diamond and Silk on the show on Friday night.
That'll be fun hanging, goofing with the gals.
We're just going to talk about Maxine Waters and Bill Maher and all these lunatic lefties and why are they doing that?
What makes them tick?
We'll try to get to the bottom of it with Diamond and Silk.
