After two weeks on the lam, I’m back to talk about my road trip and all the weird places I visited in Niagara Falls, rural Ontario, and Montreal. Turns out Niagara Falls is trashier than ever, rural Ontario is still paradise, and Montreal has completely lost its mind.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| What's blue and is a circle? | |
| A butt cheek. | |
| What's wearing blue pants? | |
| I gotta put a book together of my son's vriddles, as he calls them. | |
| He's five. | |
| And that was one of them. | |
| I love that he says what. | |
| It's for that. | |
| It's actually a common mistake in British working class parlance. | |
| Like if you watch Withnail and I, one of the greatest movies of all time. | |
| We've got on holiday by mistake! | |
| Milo's a big fan of that movie too, we always quote it to each other. | |
| I've just been called a ponce, we have to go Withnail. | |
| What fucker said that? | |
| I did. | |
| I called him a ponce and I'm calling you a ponce, you ponce! | |
| And immediately Withnail goes, I have a heart condition. | |
| If you hit me, it's murder. | |
| The whole movie he goes from remarkable hubris ready to take on the world to the second there's any kind of conflict. | |
| He collapses and becomes the weakest man alive. | |
| I love it! | |
| We all have a friend like that. | |
| He's usually a drunk. | |
| I think the guy Withnail is based on is actually Deed, unfortunately. | |
| But anyway, uh... Yeah, there's a stoner in it. | |
| And he says, uh... | |
| Me and my partner, Professor Zumi Ned, we're working on a doll what shits itself. | |
| They like that, the little girls. | |
| And he says, yeah, a doll what shits itself. | |
| And that's what my son says. | |
| He says, are we going to that place what has a go-kart? | |
| So, I think it would be really cool. | |
| Like, he made this drawing yesterday of penises shooting pee straight up. | |
| And it's like a quiz. | |
| I had to show him how to write these different sentences because he can't write. | |
| So, um, he made me write it out. | |
| What do you do with the, when the penises are attacking? | |
| Do you go under? | |
| Do you go over? | |
| Or do you shoot them? | |
| And then he had this whole, sort of a chart of the different directions you can go in with this strange shape in the middle. | |
| And the answer, by the way, is you shoot them with a gun. | |
| He also had a riddle where he said, uh, what, what's brown and... What's brown and drops? | |
| And the answer, of course, is poo. | |
| And then he added, not diarrhea, that's brown and goes down. | |
| I cherish all of these, too, because I know they're running out. | |
| Like, he's starting to know the real words. | |
| He says you get nauseous when you spin around instead of saying you get busy. | |
| And then once the last one learns English, you're done, my friend. | |
| Party's over. | |
| You now have skinny, short roommates who want to look at their screens all the time. | |
| And you have to walk around the house like a corrections officer finding screens. | |
| Which I've done, and I've told you about that a million times. | |
| The lockpocket works. | |
| Anyway, sorry I missed a few podcasts, boys and girls. | |
| I was away on vacay. | |
| I banked a bunch of get-off-my-lawn shows on CRTV.com, so you never have to miss out on those. | |
| But yeah, I just ran out of life force. | |
| I could have recorded, what, four episodes? | |
| Four 45-minute episodes as I'm running to get organized for this road trip. | |
| No, I just went no. | |
| I don't know if my boss is gonna be mad, but I think my contract with CRTV is more like a per year thing. | |
| So it's not like McDonald's where if you miss a shift, you're dead. | |
| You have to miss a bunch of shifts. | |
| And I'm doing very well there. | |
| I think I'm up there with Levin and Crowder's popular show. | |
| Lifting the table. | |
| But yeah, I went on a road trip with the fam. | |
| You know, I was thinking about, what do I want to do? | |
| Sometimes I don't really enjoy my vacations, and it's not a money thing, I've noticed. | |
| Atlantis was one of our most expensive vacations, Atlantis, which is a cool water park, a bunch of lineups, and I don't know. | |
| You know, you can only sort of go down so many slides. | |
| Plus, I've noticed as I'm getting older, I don't really enjoy scary rides as much. | |
| The one way to survive them, by the way, without throwing up, because I'm usually hungover, so I'm fragile in the mornings, and being whipped around in circles when you're, you know, you don't feel 100%, it's not very pleasant. | |
| It's like a barf machine. | |
| But I just went to La Ronde in Montreal and I screwed up by the way. | |
| I was told there was a cool pirate ship. | |
| There is a cool pirate ship in old Montreal that has all these zip lines and stuff. | |
| But if you look on your phone pirate ship it sends you to some stupid ride pirate ship at La Ronde and La Ronde is a crappy It's like Six Flags, but worse, and the lineups are insane, and the prices are ridiculous! | |
| I think it was $350 to bring my family there. | |
| And they charged my little boy, Johnny, even though he's five. | |
| And it's just a flat rate. | |
| And the lineups are like an hour. | |
| Unless, of course, you get the, you pretend you have the Flash Pass. | |
| And I was with Robbie Dillon, he's an old, he's an old Vice editor. | |
| Kind of a criminal past, but he's also a great writer and that's, he used to edit Vice and I met up with him, hadn't seen him in about 10 years, maybe 20 actually. | |
| And so we go there, and we just, we go to the zip pass, the flash pass lineup, and all you do is you say, And she goes, Sleep well and have good dreams is all I know how to say in German, but when you say it in a rush, to a teenager, as you're sort of zipping out of the room, I mean, sorry, zipping up the stairs to the front of the lineup, they just go, So we went to the front of the line there, | |
| This is an old, it's a really cool roller coaster actually. | |
| It's all wood. | |
| It's like the one that was at Coney Island before Sandy. | |
| And the way you survive it without puking is you pretend you're in World War II and you're in an old rickety F-15 jet. | |
| Which I don't think there's such a thing as an old rickety F-15. | |
| An old rickety World War I even fighter jet. | |
| Actually I prefer World War II. | |
| I don't really understand World War I. What the fuck was that about? | |
| Some Hungarian king and a funny mustache got shot in his wagon? | |
| Alright. | |
| Sorry, dude. | |
| Let's try to find the culprit and send him to jail for murder. | |
| I don't know why the entire fucking world needs to go defend Captain Mustache. | |
| World War II is a little clearer. | |
| But, yeah, you just pretend you're in World War II and you're going, yeah, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. | |
| It's actually, this is super gay, but it actually makes you respect the vets more. | |
| Oh, my God. | |
| They're all spinning in their graves right now. | |
| But, like, even just that silly little tiny version of it where you're on a roller coaster going down a thing and then up a thing and upside down and going, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, shooting the Nazis, you go, wow, this must have been scary and hard. | |
| Can you imagine riding a fighter jet? | |
| Breaking the sound barrier. | |
| You'd be pooping your pants the whole time. | |
| It would be like just trying to take a nap in a mosh pit. | |
| You're just getting your senses attacked constantly. | |
| Oh, by the way, there's so much to catch up on, I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just go on a hundred tangents. | |
| I'll probably talk about my trip more on my show. | |
| Get off my lawn at CRTV.com. | |
| Because I want to show you all my cool souvenirs I bought. | |
| The kitschier the place, the more souvenirs you gotta buy. | |
| And it's kind of counterintuitive, because, you know, you see a poutine snowglobe, and you go, that's just more crap, I don't need more crap. | |
| Then you get back to New York, and buy your kitchen sink there, with all your little stained glass bric-a-brac, and the nice sort of wood birds you have hanging over the kitchen sink, you now have a beautiful poutine snowglobe. | |
| And out of context, now it looks super cool. | |
| Like now, I have a... | |
| A license plate that says Tabarnak! | |
| Um... You know, that seems dumb in Quebec. | |
| It's a swear word, by the way, named Tabernacle. | |
| Based on the word Tabernacle. | |
| All the swear words in Quebec are named after the church. | |
| So, the chalice is the worst word you can say. | |
| Tabernacle's very bad. | |
| Shit and fuck, by the way, you know, they're a very sexual people. | |
| So those aren't bad words. | |
| Like, cunt is nothing to them. | |
| But, uh... Tabernacle? | |
| Tabarnak Callis, Chris de Callis. | |
| That's Christ of the Chalice. | |
| I mean, that would make an old lady's ears burn off. | |
| Anyway, so I picked up all that, break it back, and it's better. | |
| It's more of a visual thing. | |
| So I'll show that on the show, but... One thing I didn't get to, because it happened just when I started my vacation, is this poor bastard that stole a plane and killed himself. | |
| I mean, the footage of that... | |
| Maybe I can find it on my phone. | |
| I mean, you've heard it, right? | |
| The footage of him saying, I didn't know I was damaged until now, it's just so heartbreaking. | |
| And I know it's anecdotal and it's hard to say, oh, this is part of a pattern of male suicide, although middle-aged white males are having a huge spike in suicide. | |
| I don't know if this relates to this particular guy, but I can't help but think that the war on masculinity and this sort of like, men suck, they're terrible people, they're responsible for all the world's disasters, you know, the opposite of a proud boy. | |
| Shame boys. | |
| I can't help but think that led to his suicide. | |
| And everyone makes jokes about it, and it's like, world's best way to quit your job, dude. | |
| You totally rock. | |
| And I get the humor there. | |
| But I don't find it that humorous. | |
| I find it profoundly sad. | |
| I think I started to cry when I first heard it. | |
| This kid is just, sounds like such an awesome dude to hang out with, you know? | |
| I think I got it here. | |
| Of course, there'll be an ad for some sort of glassware. | |
| Isn't that funny how they said... Yep, of course. | |
| Isn't it funny how they said, yeah, we have to shut down all these white supremacist YouTube sites because they are... | |
| Advertisers are unwillingly next to some horrible thing about a race war, and they don't want to be next to that. | |
| Sony doesn't want to be next to that. | |
| No, dude, that's not happening. | |
| First of all, there is no brutally racist stuff on YouTube. | |
| Look up the N-word on YouTube, and you'll see like a couple rap references, and that's it. | |
| No one's sitting there talking about the goddamn Negroes going off on a rant like that. | |
| Those don't exist on YouTube. | |
| And secondly, advertisers don't care who they're with. | |
| There could be a story. | |
| 100 babies murdered in Delaware. | |
| Do you think Coca-Cola is going to get mad that they were on the news when that was on? | |
| We're just going to have a blank ad space? | |
| Blad. | |
| Alright, here it is. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah It's gonna disappoint them To you that I did this I I would like to apologize to each and every one of them. | |
| I'm just that broken guy. | |
| Got a few screws loose, I guess. | |
| Never really knew it, until now. | |
| Hey, you think if I land this successfully, Alaska will give me a job as a pilot? | |
| Uh, you know, I think that would give you a job of doing anything if you could pull this off. | |
| Yeah, right! | |
| If you wanted to land, probably the best bet is that runway just ahead and to your left. | |
| Again, that's McCord Field. | |
| If you wanted to try, that might be the best way to set up and see if you can land there. | |
| Or just like the pilot suggests, another option would be over Puget Sound into the water. | |
| Isn't that tragic? | |
| Sorry to add such a bummer spin to this podcast. | |
| - You told me I could land like that 'cause I could mess my stuff up. - Well, Richard, I already talked to him and-- - Oh, isn't that tragic? | |
| Sorry to add such a bummer spin to this podcast. | |
| Now I'm bummed out. | |
| I hate the way we poo-poo stuff like that We've become so insensitive, and even the way we use the word poo-poo. | |
| I'm against that too. | |
| But like, you know what I really hate is prison rape jokes. | |
| Oh, you're gonna have a good time with Bubba as your cellmate. | |
| How many times have you heard that joke? | |
| How many movies have been based... Don't drop the soap! | |
| That guy's getting raped in his ass. | |
| His ass is gonna get shredded. | |
| He's gonna have to defecate in a colostomy bag and he'll likely die. | |
| I've heard that in prison they'll use a shiv or something to cut up uranus to make it easier for them. | |
| I assume with all those capillaries down there you die. | |
| I can handle some pretty harsh jokes. | |
| But anally bleeding to death is not exactly a knee slapper. | |
| I find it profoundly uncomfortable, the Bubba bit. | |
| And same with this guy. | |
| Can you imagine the horrific apocalyptic smash as the plane hit the tree? | |
| Like there was a millisecond there where a tree hit him in the head. | |
| The tree went through the plane, fireballs engulfed his feet. | |
| I'm not talking about an hour and a half here. | |
| I'm talking about Just a clap. | |
| But in that clap, there was unfathomable blackness and pain and concussions. | |
| That's what it's like to die when you crash a plane into a forest. | |
| you Poor effing bastard. | |
| Anyway, here's a funny story that isn't that visual. | |
| Well, I don't have visuals for it so I can say it on the podcast. | |
| So we're coming back from Montreal, and just to be clear here, I can't say where I'm going because I have all these lunatic stalkers. | |
| By the way, I'm getting so famous it is fucking ridiculous. | |
| I know that sounds like bragging. | |
| I didn't say I'm getting so rich it's effing ridiculous. | |
| I said I'm getting so famous. | |
| What's the benefit of that? | |
| Groupies? | |
| Yeah, groupies really want to be with a 48-year-old Wilford Brimley with AIDS. | |
| Oh, they're really knocking down the door. | |
| I was flirting with some waitress in London with Tommy Robinson and all those soccer hooligans and I'm like, hello love, you alright? | |
| You're looking lovely. | |
| or something like that. | |
| And of course she's like horrified 'cause it's like Gollum from Lord of the Rings if you rubbed his chin on a barbershop floor. | |
| And she sort of goes, and then the soccer hooligan goes, "Gavin's always been faithful to his wife, "but it's not for want of trying." And then everyone laughs. | |
| Jesus Christ, those guys are like Vikings. | |
| Every joke gets this uproarious applause and everyone bangs their pints. | |
| They don't eat. | |
| They're just pints smashing around. | |
| Fucking fun. | |
| Constantly riffing. | |
| Anyway, uh, uh, so yeah, being famous is not cool. | |
| Just selfies and it's like being a burn victim. | |
| Like people start staring at you. | |
| I, I go, I go, I'm walking to my dad's local, which is in Ottawa in, in the suburbs. | |
| It used to be called Nepean. | |
| And I'm way out by a strip mall on Merrillville Road, the middle of nowhere! | |
| Car dealerships, you know, Costco. | |
| And then one of these strip malls has like a shitty little bar called Local Heroes. | |
| No offense, Local Heroes. | |
| But, you know, you're in a strip mall. | |
| You're a great bar. | |
| Great people. | |
| I love hosers. | |
| They're all funny. | |
| They're sort of like the soccer hooligans I just mentioned. | |
| But I'm sorry if I'm not saying that your bar isn't the most quaint thing in the world. | |
| It's hard to be quaint in a strip mall. | |
| And I walk, get out of the van, right? | |
| I've been on the road for a couple hours. | |
| And there's two guys smoking in the parking lot. | |
| And they go, holy shit! | |
| That's the other thing too. | |
| They don't go, oh, I think I recognize you. | |
| They say, holy shit, like I was dead or something. | |
| And then this other guy's like, you know, they're nice. | |
| Sometimes they buy me a drink and stuff, but it's still... | |
| I'm posing with a selfie and you know I'm going through the fucking I'm in Quebec later on and I'm going through the Tim Hortons drive-thru to get the kids some bagels and the French-Canadian guys goes hey I think I recognize you I know your face look hey you're Gavin I know from the YouTube or I'm in the I'm in the grocery store maybe an hour after that And the guy's like, I know you, who you are. | |
| Your face looks familiar. | |
| Again and again and again. | |
| I'm sorry to bore you with it. | |
| But I eventually had to wear a disguise. | |
| I wore these big oversized glasses and a baseball hat. | |
| That said Molson Canadian and it was kind of colourful, so your eyes sort of go up and it actually works a treat. | |
| Because all there has to be is a shadow of a doubt to stop you from coming over and going, hey, are you the guy? | |
| So if you just add a little obfuscation, like some kooky glasses, their brain just shuts down. | |
| It's like their facial recognition software is too sensitive and it breaks. | |
| And they move on to the next visible thing. | |
| But Tabernouche, it was rough. | |
| So anyway, we're leaving Montreal, which is very close to the border. | |
| It's only an hour from the border. | |
| We're driving down there, and I like the souvenir shops for the reason I just told you. | |
| The poutine thing seems stupid in a store full of Quebec stuff, but at your home in New York, you have all this cool Montreal bric-a-brac. | |
| And we walk in, and this one, a lot of them suck. | |
| Quebec is, Montreal's pretty good for jokes. | |
| Like I saw a t-shirt that said, uh, Un bon avocat connaît la loi. | |
| Un grand avocat connaît la judge. | |
| A good lawyer knows the law. | |
| A great lawyer knows the judge. | |
| That's just a funny shirt in a souvenir shop. | |
| But in Niagara Falls, which is post-apocalyptic, by the way, it's like some out of Mad Max, it's just a bunch of shirts with just a maple leaf and just, Canada. | |
| What? | |
| How many Canada shirts do I need? | |
| Just shirt after shirt after shirt, Canada. | |
| Not one funny shirt. | |
| And I'm gonna make a shirt. | |
| I'll probably draw this and have it on my show. | |
| I'm gonna make a shirt that says, Niagara Balls. | |
| And then coming from the bottom of the word Niagara is a big cartoon pair of balls. | |
| But they're also being teabag- they're teabagging Niagara Falls. | |
| Niagara Balls. | |
| There's tons of hosers and bachelor parties. | |
| It's kind of like Toronto's shitty Atlantic City, which I guess is Atlantic City. | |
| So yeah, you could make money with funny shirts. | |
| What's with all the Canada? | |
| Hi, I have a Canada shirt on. | |
| It is my country. | |
| Here's the word and then two lines subtly stated and then a maple leaf. | |
| That is all. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Anyway, so we go into this place. | |
| It says souvenir. | |
| It's right before the American border, and it says souvenir like the letter S is as big as a house. | |
| Giant sign. | |
| So we go in. | |
| Let's get some crap on the way. | |
| I get some socks that say Canada that are pot leaves. | |
| That was pretty good. | |
| And my son, my mister, uh, butt cheek what's wearing blue pants, just grabs a stuffed animal and runs out the door. | |
| He's not leaving, okay? | |
| He's a little kid. | |
| He's gonna run outside and say, Mommy, can I have this or something? | |
| But this Franco-Canadien runs out. | |
| Hey, get back here with the barrel! | |
| And she grabs him and brings him back. | |
| Now, I know you Americans revere the French. | |
| I'm from Quebec, where French people are stupid. | |
| Love them! | |
| The women are gorgeous, but they're not the brightest bulbs in the tree. | |
| The origin of Quebec is the French missionaries came there and said, Hello, I would like to teach you about Jesus Christ, Montabarnac de Corles. | |
| And the Indians said, yeah, that's a great idea. | |
| Here, just stand by this tree while I tie you up. | |
| Rip out all your fingernails. | |
| Or no, they'd put pine branches in between the fingernails and the skin, just to really amp up the torture, and then burn them alive, and rip their skin off. | |
| They were very kind, the Indians. | |
| They were so sweet when we got here. | |
| They just wanted to help. | |
| That's why you're finding mass graves all over North America. | |
| That's why they're finding bodies With these divots and these holes all over the skeleton and the skull. | |
| Because the Indians would shoot the dead body for about 10 minutes after with arrows so he'd be fucked in the afterlife. | |
| So they were not angels. | |
| When we got here. | |
| Anyway, they tore the missionaries a new ass. | |
| Likely, literally. | |
| I bet some of these missionaries, they got in their pine cell with Bubba. | |
| And then they got raped by a bunch of huge gay Indians. | |
| They were probably crying as they bled to death. | |
| Loser alert! | |
| You're being raped, loser! | |
| Same people, of course, are really finicky about female rape jokes. | |
| That's just unthinkable. | |
| But dudes getting raped? | |
| James O'Keefe was facing jail time and all these politically correct liberals couldn't shut up about Bubba raping him. | |
| As a side note, I don't have this strange, sadistic tendency when it comes to my enemies. | |
| I don't want anyone to get raped. | |
| I think of the worst people, like people who make my skin crawl, like Chris Hayes, or Michael Moore, or Rosie O'Donnell, or Jeremy Piven, who's not very political, but his face puts me in a bad mood. | |
| I don't wish any harm on any of those people. | |
| I mean, if someone's a pedophile, yeah, I'd love to chop their head off. | |
| I could do it while on the phone. | |
| I could be on the phone going, hey, where are you guys? | |
| Okay, uh, I'll meet you there in, like, hold on, I'm just, uh, severing this pedophile's throat like halal. | |
| I'm just sacrificing this human goat to the gods. | |
| But, uh, oh, I just got blood all over my Zubas. | |
| God damn it. | |
| Thanks a lot, pedophile. | |
| Anyway, I'm gonna be there in, I gotta change my Zubas. | |
| I'll be, I'll be there in, like, ten minutes. | |
| Bye. | |
| That's how I could kill a pedophile. | |
| Ne problem, Paul. | |
| But just someone who's annoying and uninformed? | |
| Why do you want to kill them? | |
| I met Anthony Bourdain once. | |
| He said he wanted to cut off Sarah Palin's skin in long strips. | |
| What? | |
| Rachel Maddow. | |
| What harm would I like to do to her? | |
| Nothing at all. | |
| I have no incl- Imagine punching Rachel Maddow in the face. | |
| Her nose would start bleeding. | |
| She'd fall down. | |
| She'd probably have to go to the hospital and get it corrected. | |
| What have you done? | |
| What have you done? | |
| You changed her mind? | |
| Well, that was a wake-up call, Gav. | |
| Thanks. | |
| Now, if someone's violent, I would like them to get a taste of their own medicine, because it works. | |
| Worked with all the Nazi skinheads when I was a kid in the 80s. | |
| Bunch of fucking goofs. | |
| Punk gang came along, beat them all up. | |
| They ceased to be. | |
| Poof. | |
| But they were violent. | |
| They beat the crap out of people for wearing Dr. Martens. | |
| You weren't allowed to have those boots if you weren't a Nazi skinhead. | |
| They came to our shows. | |
| They would beat up bands. | |
| SNFU had an Asian singer, Mr. Chai Pig. | |
| They would get on the stage and try to fight him. | |
| Now luckily these were all hockey hosers, so they were happy to fight back. | |
| And they didn't take any guff. | |
| Same with MDC. | |
| The MDC had a song called Skinhead. | |
| Skinheads would come and try to beat up the band. | |
| In fact, Dave MDC, who by the way is responsible for the chant, No War, No KKK, No Fascist USA. | |
| That's an MDC song. | |
| Thanks, Dave. | |
| No war. | |
| No KKK. | |
| No Trump USA is the new version. | |
| No war. | |
| Done. | |
| I mean, we're still in Afghanistan. | |
| I'm impressed you care about Afghanistan. | |
| Now you're into Middle East foreign policy? | |
| Okay, that's fair. | |
| Let's discuss. | |
| I see you're a libertarian isolationist. | |
| I share much of your views. | |
| No KKK! | |
| Uh, there is no KKK. | |
| What? | |
| The KKK? | |
| How many members do they have? | |
| 1,000? | |
| Out of what's the population of America? | |
| 360 million? | |
| I always get that number wrong, by the way. | |
| Uh, now I have to look it up. | |
| Uh, no fascist USA? | |
| Okay, done. | |
| I love how you can just sit there with your genie bottle. | |
| Yeah, I was right. | |
| $325 million. | |
| You can just sit there with your, like, snap your fingers and you can say to the left, I'll make all your dreams come true. | |
| You ready? | |
| Yes, please. | |
| I catered here. | |
| No problem, dude. | |
| I'm a magic. | |
| I'm a genie. | |
| I want women to have the same rights as men. | |
| Done. | |
| Next. | |
| Oh my god, you did it. | |
| I want cops to stop hunting down black people for sport. | |
| Done. | |
| Anything else? | |
| Holy crap! | |
| I just looked outside. | |
| It's working! | |
| Wait a minute. | |
| I want the war on trans people. | |
| There's genocide against them right now. | |
| They're being murdered in the streets for no reason. | |
| I want that to stop. | |
| Done. | |
| Anything else? | |
| The trans person just got beat up though. | |
| Yeah, he didn't tell the Puerto Rican thug who took him home that he has a penis. | |
| The guy got mad. | |
| It's kind of rapey to make out with someone and then surprise them with a dink. | |
| So I can't stop all those, but I did stop the genocide of trans people. | |
| Okay, well I just don't want a fascist USA, alright? | |
| Done! | |
| How about no? | |
| I don't want the KKK in the White House. | |
| I don't want white supremacists in the White House. | |
| Done. | |
| Anything else? | |
| Holy shit, you're good at this. | |
| I thought genies only had three. | |
| I've done like six. | |
| I just want to be able to live in a world where if I work hard, I can be rewarded and get what I deserve, no matter who I am, no matter where I'm from. | |
| Holy shit, that's like nine wishes. | |
| You're the best genie ever. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Finally, someone recognizes that I'm better than Robin Williams in, uh, was it Aladdin? | |
| Proud of your boy. | |
| Anyway, so, this story's gone a little longer than I thought it would. | |
| Uh, so, uh, we're at this stupid souvenir shop and, oh yeah, Franco-Canadiens. | |
| So, after the missionaries got slaughtered by the Indians, the French said, alright, we gotta, this is like 1600, gotta play hardball. | |
| So they sent down, ew, gross, you know what I'm doing right now? | |
| You know that thing where people make learning cool? | |
| That's one of my biggest pet peeves. | |
| So Jesus, he says, what the fuck's going on? | |
| You know, he's had enough of this shit. | |
| So the archangel comes down, and he's a bit of a badass, and he's had enough of this crap. | |
| Like, ooh, you made Jesus cool by putting the F word, and now the archangel's on a Harley. | |
| Now I care. | |
| They always say that in school textbooks. | |
| Uh, no. | |
| These analogies are fine. | |
| It's a basket of fruit, okay? | |
| How many apples are left when you take out three? | |
| So, uh... Uh, then they sent soldiers down. | |
| And I'm not disparaging soldiers, I'm not saying they have low IQs, but in 1600, soldiers tended not to be intellectuals. | |
| Sorry. | |
| So they come down and they just, instead of negotiating, they just kill everything and everyone. | |
| Well, I shouldn't say that. | |
| It was not a genocidal slaughter. | |
| It was a real fight, one-on-one. | |
| And eventually, the French kind of won, although they ended up banding with the English quite a bit, especially outside of Quebec, and forming What's the word? | |
| Allegiances there. | |
| Which is really the only way to move into a country. | |
| You gotta work with the guys. | |
| And, uh... Done. | |
| Alright, we have Quebec. | |
| We've established an area, we got Quebec City, we got Montreal. | |
| One problem, King Louis XIV, I am horny as a hoot owl. | |
| And it's all dudes here. | |
| And unlike Bubba Jokes, I don't enjoy anal intercourse with men. | |
| And so the king goes, I have, there's a thing called a fille de roi, woman of the king. | |
| And he decided he didn't like sluts and brassy broads, basically all cool fun chicks. | |
| So he puts them on a boat and sends them down. | |
| And they, they have big lips and then they start breeding with some of the Indians, which gives them a nice brown hue. | |
| And they make the most insane babes in the world. | |
| I think it is, I think it's why I moved there when I was 18. | |
| Asian eyes with giant eyelashes, huge bee-stung lips, brown skin, jet black hair, half French prostitute, half brassy broad, those two are not mutually exclusive, and then half American Indian. | |
| Nice! | |
| Kinda dumb. | |
| And so, uh, I don't mind if women are dumb, I'm a sexist, but, uh, dumb men get on my nerves. | |
| And when they're married, they're really annoying. | |
| And so we go to the souvenir shop, and she goes, get back here with that bear! | |
| And, you know, I'm kind of territorial about my kids. | |
| She's essentially accused my five-year-old of shoplifting. | |
| But it is her bear, and she didn't hurt him. | |
| She just said, get back here with the bear. | |
| So I'm kind of mad, and I want to cause a scene. | |
| I'm thinking of causing a scene, but then I'm kind of not. | |
| You know that kind of thing? | |
| This is where humor comes in. | |
| And you can be passive-aggressive and a little facetious. | |
| So, uh, I said to her, I don't think she realized that I was with the kid and all that. | |
| And I go, wow, you really, that's good police work there. | |
| And the dad, you know, he, he doesn't want any trouble. | |
| And he's like, yes, yes. | |
| I go, you caught him in the act, getting the criminals off the streets. | |
| That was great there. | |
| You keeping your bears, keeping the bears. | |
| And she won't look at me. | |
| And I guess cause she's mad, she knows what I'm doing. | |
| And then he's trying to diffuse the situation with also with humor. | |
| It's weird all the subtext that goes on here, right? | |
| We're all animals at the end of the day. | |
| So I'm like... And then he's like... And then the female wolf is like... | |
| And he says, yeah, we're going to have to call the cops on that guy. | |
| Like, I know you're right. | |
| My wife's a cunt. | |
| But the funny part about all this is the bizarre rituals of the French. | |
| You know what they were eating? | |
| They were sitting down to dinner, but they were behind the cash. | |
| So there's the cash, right? | |
| Then there's a big area. | |
| There's usually just like four feet. | |
| This is more like eight feet. | |
| And then their back office. | |
| And they had a table there with two office chairs. | |
| I guess there's a lot of downtime, so they might as well do the books out in the open. | |
| And they were having their dinner. | |
| And their dinner consisted of a large plate of microwaved endomame. | |
| My daughter used to call them pop pops. | |
| You know those little peas that you squeeze and they pop out? | |
| Kind of like string beans? | |
| Asian string beans? | |
| So they've got, uh, they're popping them and they're putting the endomame skins in a different plate. | |
| Uh, that's weird. | |
| It's weird to sit down with a plate of hot endomames with your wife. | |
| Hi, honey! | |
| Like, imagine you go to a restaurant, we'll just get two large plates of endomame and absolutely nothing else, not even bread. | |
| Okay. | |
| Are you homeless? | |
| And then, of course, the French, they need their vin. | |
| They need their wine. | |
| Even if you look at French talk shows. | |
| You'll notice that the contestants will have a glass of wine, like on the TV set. | |
| There's this fucking amazing politician that I'll discuss more on the show, because you need to see it. | |
| His name is Manon Massé, and he is a proud feminist lesbian. | |
| He has gorgeous, long, white hair. | |
| You can see him on my Instagram if you check the Gavin2000. | |
| Or you can just look him up, M-A-N-O-N, which is like man, no. | |
| I don't know if he's meaning to do that. | |
| Massé is M-A-S-S-E. | |
| And Manon Marcello, he is the head of the Québec Solidaire Parti, and they are sort of separatists, but they know that that's not good for the economy, so they say, we want it, but we're not going to push it. | |
| Whatever the hell that means. | |
| Yeah, yeah, you supermodels can stay at my house. | |
| I promise I won't hit on you. | |
| I just like you around. | |
| And here, get drunk. | |
| Have some vin. | |
| And he, the Quebec Solidaire Party is this bizarre party of sort of separatists who are super francophone. | |
| They have two leaders, because they don't think one person should be a leader, so it's Manon Massé and this guy who just, you look at his face and he looks like he has an IQ of 80. | |
| He looks like a very nice, handsome, young, dumb man. | |
| Which I guess is Quebec in a nutshell. | |
| We used to call them Pepsis. | |
| Because Pepsi is cheaper than Coke and French people are poor. | |
| So we call them Peppers or Pepsis. | |
| And they'll fight you if they hear you say that. | |
| You gotta watch it. | |
| It's the N-word of Quebec. | |
| So she's with some pepper. | |
| And she. | |
| He! | |
| He has a mustache! | |
| He has a tiny John Waters mustache that he covers in foundation. | |
| But still maintains. | |
| Doesn't shave. | |
| And he has huge tits. | |
| And is a beautiful feminist woman with a penis and giant tits and Quebec thinks that's normal. | |
| It's the best thing about Canada and the worst thing about Canada. | |
| And that is there's no rules. | |
| There's no old money. | |
| All the rich are nouveau riche. | |
| You could show up to a dinner party, especially in Quebec, which is the most modern, open-minded, whatever town, and you could have three wives. | |
| And you could be like, these are my three wives. | |
| I'm here for the dinner party. | |
| And they go, okay, let's get another chair. | |
| Like, no one would blink an eye. | |
| You could have facial tattoos. | |
| You could have, you could have three husbands. | |
| You could be a man and show up at a dinner party with three husbands. | |
| And these are my three husbands. | |
| Uh, Sean LaDuke, this is Gaston. | |
| And, uh, this is, uh, uh, uh, Sebastian. | |
| And we are in the love. | |
| I'd like to, if we stay here tonight, I'd like to stay in a big king's eyes. | |
| Maybe you have two king's eyes you put together? | |
| And no one would bat an eye. | |
| That's fine. | |
| So, no one bats an eye at Manon Massé. | |
| And when he's on a game show, you can probably find this on YouTube, but he's got a glass of wine. | |
| Anyway, this couple, not only did they have endomame, but they had, we call them in Canada serviettes, I believe you call them napkins, they had napkins on their wine glass. | |
| Each! | |
| So it's a plate of endomame in the middle, another plate for the shells, the skins, and then a glass of white wine each, covered with a little napkin like it's a nun, like someone's gonna roofie you. | |
| Are you both scared that you're gonna roofie each other? | |
| Is that what happens at this souvenir shop when we're not trying to steal your bears? | |
| What the fuck? | |
| What are you doing? | |
| Why? | |
| Are there fruit flies everywhere? | |
| Why is there a napkin? | |
| And it's not like it's an area where people walk by, and even then, what's gonna happen? | |
| Someone's gonna shake dandruff into your wine? | |
| It's totally secluded. | |
| It's behind the cache. | |
| I wish I got a picture that I was kicking myself after. | |
| Damn, those frogs are weird, are they not? | |
| Anyway, it was fun seeing my old buddies. | |
| Eric DeGraw was there. | |
| We used to call him Dog Boy in high school, because we thought he was ugly. | |
| But it's just that he had strong features, like Brad Pitt. | |
| And then all these women were fawning over him. | |
| And we went, oh, he's gorgeous. | |
| Whoops. | |
| Sorry, Dog Boy. | |
| We went to some steakhouse that was $450. | |
| Moishes. | |
| And then went to a bunch of bars, and I have to wear my disguise! | |
| It is kinda cool wearing the disguise, though. | |
| It's like being free again. | |
| No selfies, no holy shits. | |
| No, uh, you're the guy from that thing. | |
| So I walked around a little bit as a free man, but I gotta say, Montreal is a great place to visit for the kids. | |
| Old Montreal is awesome. | |
| I hear it has a pirate ship with a zipline that I missed, but the... | |
| Fuckin' a scientific museum. | |
| There's a big, right now there's a big DreamWorks display that shows you them drawing Kung Fu Panda and all this stuff and they show you the wireframes and all that sort of animation stuff. | |
| Big, beautiful display. | |
| Tons of awesome shit. | |
| So much better than Niagara Falls where I paid $75 to look at a bunch of pictures of the world's tallest man and a bunch of sculptures and stuff. | |
| Nothing really real. | |
| Just a bunch of newspaper articles. | |
| What a G.I.P. | |
| Niagara Falls is. | |
| But, uh, they have this DreamWorks thing that is awesome, and then upstairs they have the Science Museum that's all for kids, and there's these cool, like, workshops where you go and you have a challenge. | |
| The challenge could be- there's about ten different booths filled with parents, too. | |
| In fact, this particular booth was mostly dads, and it's- Here's a little mini wind tunnel with a ramp. | |
| Build a car that uses wind power. | |
| So just basically build a four-wheeled vehicle with a little sail and they give you all this felt and material and stuff and little wheels and then you make it your own. | |
| Johnny, Johnny just had two wheels and a stick because he's five. | |
| But the wind was so strong that his just, it was foam wheels like from a pool noodle. | |
| So his just went whipping. | |
| He won. | |
| Mine collapsed as soon as the wind hit it. | |
| But, uh, they could have been there all day. | |
| I think it's a French thing, you know? | |
| Because you go to Paris, too, and it's so unlike New York or even Toronto, where there's just like a kids' play thing there and a park here, and they really hammer the kids' friendly thing home. | |
| I bet it would be fun to be a kid in Paris growing up in, say, Malmart or something. | |
| And I feel the same way about Montreal. | |
| Big! | |
| There's the Mount Royal, where... Jesus, you gotta see this if you ever go to Montreal. | |
| There's a giant statue. | |
| It's just called the Statue of Montreal. | |
| I think it's Sir Jacques Cartier. | |
| And it's a big angel and stuff, and a bunch of frogs. | |
| It's like a hundred feet high. | |
| And everyone goes there every Sunday. | |
| They call it Les Tam-Tams. | |
| Very creative name. | |
| You'll notice that with primitive people. | |
| Their names are very literal. | |
| Like there's an aboriginal tribe in Taiwan, the Taiwanese, the genuine Taiwanese. | |
| And they're fucking hot as shit too, like brown Asians. | |
| And their word for cat is meow. | |
| That's a meow. | |
| Not a very advanced culture. | |
| Anyway, this unadvanced culture called peppers Has a thing called the Tam Tams, and there's maybe a thousand people there on a Sunday, every Sunday, playing drums. | |
| Nothing else! | |
| And the only people that aren't playing drums are dancing to drums. | |
| Just dancing around to drums. | |
| We used to go there and just laugh our asses off. | |
| If you get stoned and go to the Tam-Tams, because they're all hippies, the Quebecois, and you want to see people dance to drums wearing gypsy pants with little bells on their ankles and stuff. | |
| I highly recommend the Tam-Tams. | |
| But anyway, we were there on a Friday, far from the Tam-Tam day, so it was just abandoned. | |
| But there's a park next to it across the road and there's Five different play sets, and a little mini pool for kids, and swings, and several soccer fields, and... It's awesome. | |
| My kids loved it there. | |
| Everywhere they went was fun. | |
| And even when you take kids to a restaurant, you don't get this sort of eye-rolling animosity you get in Manhattan, where they go, oh, why'd you bring kids to a restaurant? | |
| That includes 21-year-olds. | |
| They want every... | |
| Manhattan wants everyone to be 35. | |
| And the men don't want their women to be 35. | |
| You're an old bag here. | |
| This is the elephant's graveyard for ovaries in New York. | |
| So it's a funny paradox where no one really belongs in New York. | |
| That's the weird thing about New York. | |
| They call it a big melting pot where everyone gets together. | |
| No, it's an island of animosity where no one really belongs. | |
| Puerto Ricans don't know what the Wall Streeters are doing there. | |
| The Wall Streeters don't know what the Puerto Ricans are doing there. | |
| And the Harlem Blacks hate the Brooklyn Blacks. | |
| The Upper East Side Jews, they resent the Hasidic Jews in Williamsburg. | |
| I mean, it's just like, what are you doing here? | |
| That should be the license plates. | |
| New York State, what are you doing here? | |
| It should have a big sign. | |
| Actually, there is a sign when you go on the Brooklyn Bridge. | |
| It says, Welcome to Brooklyn! | |
| Oy vey! | |
| You know, their big donations to the mayor got them that... that Hasidic slang. | |
| No, it's Yiddish, I guess. | |
| Anyway, what a dumb tangent. | |
| So yeah, I'll just recap what I did. | |
| Niagara Falls, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Pickering for a brief minute, Belleville for a second, and then I stayed at my friend's farm which is near Perth, which was awesome. | |
| Oh yeah, that was the beginning of the story. | |
| I was talking to my wife about an ideal vacation and we talked about Atlantis with the water park and how expensive it was and you end up like, I don't know, fucking $6,000 in the hole. | |
| And I go, my ideal vacation would just be a lake house. | |
| It could be a crappy cabin. | |
| And just a lake and just to sit in a lawn chair like we used to do in the old days in Canada and just drink a six-pack and pee in the chair because the chair is underwater. | |
| And nothing else. | |
| Maybe read a book and not travel. | |
| But you can't really do that because the kids need someone to play with. | |
| And you're not, you're only as happy as your saddest kid. | |
| So if you're, if two of your kids are having fun and one is bored, you're not happy because you got to get that kid, the last kid rocking. | |
| It's like owning a fleet of 18-wheelers. | |
| If one 18-wheeler is broken down, your fleet isn't working. | |
| All the trucks have to be in working order for you to make a profit. | |
| So we go to my friend's farm and he's built himself a little mini lake with backhoe. | |
| It's incredibly complicated digging a swimming hole, but he's a nature nut and he managed to figure it out after three years of fighting mother nature tooth and nail. | |
| And he's got kids my kid's age. | |
| Perfect vacation. | |
| He makes honey there. | |
| We made honey with him. | |
| Checked out the bees. | |
| Our kids played together. | |
| They made a kid hotel above the wood pile and a sort of crawl space. | |
| Interesting conversations with a guy I've known since 1990. | |
| Can't believe he's fucking 60 now. | |
| Jesus Christ. | |
| He was my old boss when I was a tree planter. | |
| And then we went to my parents' house, which was fun, short and sweet. | |
| And then we went to Montreal and came back. | |
| We rented a big fancy van. | |
| What do you call them? | |
| A sprinter. | |
| You don't have to do that. | |
| But I highly recommend it. | |
| What we did in the van was it had a big TV screen so the kids could watch movies so a two-hour trip feels like nothing to them because they're not bored. | |
| But we got to see a lot of variety and I like Niagara Falls. | |
| I like that it's trashy because I'm trash. | |
| Like my wife's mom is from the res. | |
| It's in our DNA. | |
| So we kind of like, I kind of like a bit of trash and then a bit of niceness. | |
| Like we stayed at a seedy hotel in Niagara Falls that had a water park in it called Americana. | |
| And that was kind of gross and you don't want to walk on the carpet in the room without your shoes on. | |
| And the water park reeks of chlorine. | |
| So we stay there for a couple days and then we go to a super nice hotel that overlooks Niagara Falls for the last day. | |
| Get a bit of variety there. | |
| I like road trips. | |
| It's a good vacation. | |
| I don't think I'm going to do inclusive parks anymore. | |
| You're just sitting on your ass, drinking $8 beers, talking to strangers. | |
| That's no fun. | |
| I may rather run into old pals like my old buddy Dale. | |
| We were best friends when we were 8, and he shows me my- our yearbook from 4th grade, or as we say in Canada, grade 4. | |
| That's fun. | |
| That sort of replenishes you, you know? | |
| When you visit old friends, you realize who shaped you. | |
| Who formed your personality. | |
| We're all, uh, we're all results of our environment to a large extent. | |
| Although, I think 80% is- is nature. | |
| But that's still a lot. | |
| 20% of nurture. | |
| That's still a lot of nurture, guys. | |
| I know you lefties like to think it's the other way around, but it's not. | |
| You are who you are from birth, but you're still shaped by the people around you. | |
| To the tune of 1 out of 10. | |
| Right? | |
| No, 2 out of 10. | |
| Alright, I'm being boring now. | |
| I'm going too long. | |
| Uh, no sponsors anymore. | |
| I've been dumped, I guess. | |
| No, I think they're all sort of... They tend to do these short-lived runs of three and five and two times. | |
| But I will push my own show on CRTV.com. | |
| There's CRTV Tonight, which airs this Friday. | |
| I don't know who our guests are. | |
| I've been away. | |
| It'll be fun, though. | |
| Then there's Get Off My Lawn, which is Monday to Thursday on one week and Monday to Tuesday the other week. | |
| Then there's After Hours, where we take a guest from CRTV Tonight and have a more involved discussion, because CRTV Tonight is just a quick talk show, where you can have a glass of wine. | |
| If you're French-Canadian from now on, you get a glass of wine. | |
| Holy shit, I would kill to get Manon Massé on that show. | |
| But he can't speak English, which is amazing in Quebec. | |
| Not speaking English. | |
| Quebec is in North America, and maybe in rural Rwanda, In the North of Quebec, I understand that you're unilingual, but to be in Montreal, and to be involved in politics, and to not speak any—to have real trouble speaking English, that's an accomplishment. | |
| That's tricky. | |
| It's like being a 40-year-old virgin. | |
| And then of course there's this podcast which would be idiotic to promote because you're listening to it into your ear holes right now. | |
| I might record a few more of these this week because I'm still on vacation so I got time. | |
| Maybe I'll try to catch up on the hole I've dug by being away for so long. | |
| I might do one tomorrow. | |
| We'll see. |