Get Off My Lawn Podcast #74 | I Think You Have X-Amount of "Chi" In You Per Day
I start out talking about how productive you can be and if it’s predetermined. I also ask if taking drugs like Adderall can change that amount which gets me on a tangent about being introduced to the drug by Johnny Knoxville and what it was like hanging out with the Jackass dudes. It was fun because they’r’e fun. There’s a moral there and it’s simple: Don’t do drugs. OK maybe do some but know you’re just borrowing from tomorrow’s productivity.
So if I did an interview, I could do, uh, could go up for a meeting, talk to a lawyer or something.
And then I couldn't do a show that night.
You can really, you can have two major accomplishments a day.
If you write an article, you can maybe do a video.
That's it.
I prepared a show for Monday today, and I'll do this podcast, and then I'm not going to be too social tonight.
Adderall is different, obviously.
You can do tons of stuff.
But I don't think you can do tons of stuff the next day, especially if you don't take more Adderall.
You youngsters, you keep taking it, robbing from Peter to pay Paul.
Nothing's free, kiddies.
I know you love your socialism, but you gotta pay the piper at some point.
This is what drunks do, too.
They'll get shit-faced, and then they'll feel their hangover, and they'll go, I'm not doing this hangover, and they'll get drunk again, and they never pay the piper.
Well, your liver's paying the piper.
You're gonna get cirrhosis, he says as he opens a beer.
But, um, I remember seeing William Shatner on a talk show years ago, and he said, the thing about drugs is you're just borrowing from tomorrow, and he's pretty much correct.
If you do tons of coke and you're the life of the party, you're gonna be depressed the next day.
You can even borrow happiness.
It's not just energy and productivity you can borrow from tomorrow, but you can also borrow joy.
So if you do a big night of cocaine, on Sunday you're depressed.
That was the reason that band the Happy Mondays were called the Happy Mondays, because they were depressed on Monday after doing MDMA all weekend.
I think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on Adderall.
When you look at her eyes and she looks like she's Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
Hello my precious.
She's got the socialist mentality of I'll just keep doing Adderall and I'll never pay the piper.
But you have to pay.
Nothing's free.
Like these you youngsters who do Adderall every day all day.
REM sleep.
Jim Goad terminated this.
REM sleep is when your organs repair.
All the cells rebuild.
Now you've got some important organs.
You have a brain and a heart, skin and other stuff, whatever.
But if you're not getting REM's, then those organs are getting threadbare.
You know when those underwear you have for 12 years and the butt crack looks like it's made of lace?
This is if you wear a tighty-whities.
Sometimes I tend to overestimate how many people wear tighty-whities.
I remember Not Gay Jared was on my show and I knew he was traveling so he had some underwear, right?
You're a traveler.
And I had peed my pants the night before.
And so I said, dude, I'm not, I'm going, uh, uh, what's it called?
Combat?
I'm going bare bones.
I'm going bare penis in my pants.
I'm going militant bare bones, I believe it's called.
And he goes, oh yeah, I don't care, here.
And I assumed he had a disposable bag of, like if you open my underwear drawer, it just looks like someone barfed out some Hanes.
So I'd grab some of his barf.
And he had these athletic, it looked like Aquaman's, why did I say it like that?
Aquaman's uniform.
And it had different colours for the whitey tighty part, and the pattern on it, and red band, and it was like boxer shorts, but boxer briefs and all that stuff, like you wanna be sexy.
Women are not turned on by men, okay?
You know what turns a woman on?
A guy with an Audi and a briefcase who's ambitious.
He can be bald, he can be fat.
They don't want him to be hideous.
And penis size, same thing.
Within range.
Like, you don't want it to be a nub.
But women don't really care.
When women are alone, they don't go, this cock is above 7.2 inches.
That's something Howard Stern says.
Yeah, how big's your dick?
Yeah, that's really affecting your social life.
Again, micropenis, major problem.
Otherwise, no one really cares.
And even a huge dick, girls are like, that's kind of a funny novelty.
Like, say he had green eyes or something.
It doesn't really get them out of bed in the morning.
But, yeah, Adderall, you're doing that to yourself.
You're thread-bearing your brain and your heart, and I think that's how Michael Jackson eventually died.
Because he never was asleep.
I don't think he really slept for 13 years.
He would go into a state of torpitude, like ants do.
Ants don't sleep.
They just sort of slow down for certain parts of the day.
I think that's what he would do.
He'd probably lie on the couch, close his eyes, and his heart would only be pounding at, say, a million miles a minute.
But...
I personally am.
Two things a day.
And it's funny that we have this 40-hour work week.
I think we've evolved to go, let's just do 40 hours.
That seems to work.
I think if someone has total freedom, like they're a billionaire, they tend to sort of feel good about 40 hours, two major things a day.
Now, computers have made us more productive, but we still work 40 hours a week.
So it's not the actual work that we're basing all this on.
We're just going, I don't know, I feel like, get in there at 9, do a thing, have a lunch, Talk to someone, joke around, then come back, do another thing, and then go home.
Two things a day.
Morning thing and afternoon thing.
That's what humans expect of other humans, and I think it's because it's natural.
Adderall changes all that, and it's dangerous.
Did I tell you?
I think, uh...
Johnny Knoxville introduced me to Adderall.
I put on Jackass the other night to show my eldest boy.
He didn't really laugh that hard.
I think it's a little crude.
There's a lot of sex jokes and stuff.
I kind of regretted putting it on actually.
I didn't read the parental IMDB.
My wife did.
But there's a lot of gay stuff.
It actually kind of reminded me of The Proud Boys and The Origin, like even the name, like Steve Owen, the other guy, Chris Pontius started Wild Boys after the show.
That's where they do all their gay stuff, where they dance around in little G-strings.
Skaters are very machismo because you have to be tough to be able to do kickflip, all the kickflips all day and smash your ankles and go down a railing and get a concussion.
So you end up with fairly tough dudes and not a lot of women around.
And when you have tough dudes and a lot of women around, the joke tends to be the gay joke.
That tends to be, there's like two jokes that are going to beat the shit out of you and I'm going to fuck you.
That's kind of what we revolve around.
Now recently we've had that taken away, both of those taken away from us.
And comedians are left with raping children jokes.
But even my dad would tell me when they'd go on these hunting outings or a golf outing, they would always come down and they would pretend they had trouble walking because they were fucked in the ass so hard all night.
And my dad would come down and go, I don't think I can sit down.
I may have to stand for this breakfast.
Oh boy!
So, young boys don't really get the gay joke that much.
They don't realize how funny it is to be gay.
But, um, yeah, Knoxville used to do them like candies.
And back when I would do them, I think I had a 20 milligram that I would break in half, maybe do 10 or 5.
And I would do it in the mornings at 7am with a coffee.
And that nailed me to kick ass all day.
And then come home and be a super dad.
See, I said two things, right?
You're not, if you're a dad, you're not done at 5 or 6 or 7.
Well, in New York, it's 8 p.m.
at the end of the day.
And that's kind of sad because New York dads will work from, you know, 9 to 8 p.m.
And they only see their kids on the weekends.
It's almost as little as a divorced dad, but the template for America is meant to be five or six, right?
So you come home and the kids, your wife is like, get these fucking things away from me.
She's been playing with them all day.
So you have to, you know, get on my back and be the monster.
That's tiring when you're stupid like me and you had kids way too late in life.
So normally I just want to stare at the ceiling and lie nude on the floor, but you got to get up there and, okay, I'm a monster.
And Adderall helped with that so much that me and my fellow dads used to call it Dadderall.
And I told someone from the Times back when I had much more trust in the media about it, and they kept wanting to do a feature on it, but none of the other dads wanted to, uh, to talk to anyone about it.
It's potentially illegal.
I got most, Johnny Knoxville taught me how to get it too.
He used to send them to me and he would do like 80 milligrams a day.
I think he was enamored with Johnny Cash, probably still is, and I think he loved the idea of speed.
In fact, that just made me think of something trippy.
Johnny Knoxville was in a movie called Grand Theft Parsons, and it was based on Graham Parsons, who was a great country singer, but Graham Parsons also brought in psychedelia and noodling guitars and weird, almost Grateful Dead kind of rock and Lynyrd Skynyrd stuff, electric boogie kind of stuff, into country.
And that was because he was high.
He eventually OD'd.
And there was this guy, Nudie Cohen, who would make these things called nudie suits.
And Graham Parsons kind of freaked everyone out on an album cover once because he had a nudie suit.
And instead-- a nudie suit was just a very elaborate embroidered suit.
I think Nudie Cohen-- that wasn't his real name.
I think he was a Ukrainian Jew who came over World War II time, his family.
And he was just a very gifted embroiderer.
So it started out just tons of really cool patterns, and country singers would like that on stage.
I'm standing up on stage and my cowboy hat has a bunch of rhinestones on it, and there's a bunch of little patterns and flowers and stuff all down my legs.
But then he would start taking requests, so Graham Parsons wanted pot leaves and pills on his Nudie suit.
It's a very deceiving misnomer there, nudie.
It's the opposite of nudie.
It's very dressed up.
And so he'd wear these suits and be high and make great music.
And he wasn't around for long.
I think he was in that band.
Going up the country, see what we can do.
I believe he was in that band.
Anyway, he had a pact with his tour manager.
Whichever one of us dies, I want to be buried by the Joshua Tree.
And they go, OK, deal.
Handshake.
This is all a true story, by the way.
And they shake their hands.
And this is back when men were men.
And so he dies.
And he goes, I have to take the body.
I'm going to bury it by the Joshua Tree.
We have a handshake deal with him.
And everyone goes, yeah, no, you're not doing that.
The family says that.
Who are you again?
His tour manager?
No, we're having a funeral where we're all going to cry and stuff like that.
So I think his name was something like Phil McKenzie.
Of course, he's got to be Scottish, right?
And so they bury Graham Parsons.
And that's it.
And Phil Kaufman, I guess he was Jewish, that was his name, he goes, screw this, man.
I have a deal.
I made a deal with this dead guy.
So he bribes people and, you know, people at the graveyard.
He digs them up.
Puts his body in the back of his fancy hearse and drives him to the Joshua Tree and has his own little ceremony with his stolen Parsons and buries him there.
So it's an amazing true story and Johnny Knoxville loves all that stuff.
PJ Clap is his name.
PJ, his friends call him.
So PJ He plays the role of Phil Kaufman in the movie.
But if you watch this movie, it sucks because PJ is terrible in it.
He's high out of his mind on 80 milligrams of Adderall in every scene.
So it looks like someone is putting an electric cattle prod up his asshole in every scene.
He makes Alexandra Cortese-Ortiz look like Cheech and Chong.
His eyeballs are golf balls.
Take a golf ball and with a sharpie draw a tiny circle on the top.
That was Johnny Knoxville's eyes So bad, dude Had to tell him that after I saw but anyway He got me into it and he said this is what you do you say I'm having trouble focusing at work It's affecting not just my job, but my marriage.
I tried Ritalin.
It did not work.
That's so he doesn't give you that.
And I would like to do Adderall.
I tried that and it worked well for me.
Now you've sort of painted the doctor in a corner where to not give it to you means you're not helping him.
That violates their oath.
The hypocritical oath.
So, I tried that a few times.
It worked okay.
It's really expensive.
And then I found a corrupt doctor up on Park Avenue.
He was a weird dude, man.
So Park Avenue in New York is where all the multi-millionaires and billionaires live.
Peter Thiel lives there.
And it's all these old New Yorkers, old school money.
And one of the things I love about America and North America in general is there's not a lot of old money.
It's not like Britain where there's lords and sirs and what's-your-last-name.
I like nouveau riche.
That's my favorite kind of riche.
They've got the biggest, funnest boats that you can jump off of, and you don't have to remember where your right cutlery spoon is.
But this is one of the rare instances where America has old money.
All the old oil barons and the relatives of P.T.
Barnum.
My neighbor upstate is, uh... I think he invented vaudeville or something.
Anyway, um... I mean, the house, the builder of the house 200 years ago.
So anyway... Excuse me, that's gross.
Uh... Um...
And I didn't blank.
I hate when you guys think I blank.
That's so embarrassing.
So yeah, he's forced to give it to you.
But then I found this corrupt doctor on Park Avenue.
And, uh, he was always high on opioids.
I wonder if he's dead now.
But I would go there and I wouldn't even say my spiel.
I'd start the spiel and he'd go, what do you want?
And I'd go, well, I have a very high tolerance.
So I want 80 milligram pills.
And I'm gonna need like a, that's a month's subscription.
So 30, 80 milligrams.
Now I'm a 5 to 10 kind of guy.
So that bitch lasted a long ass time, and I vowed I wouldn't do it on the weekends.
I always said this is an office supply.
And, uh, drunk dudes, friends of mine would always be like, let's get some of your Adderall, man!
It's 11pm!
I'm like, oh no!
That's, you're talking about raiding the office supply room.
I don't want to drink liquid paper.
I don't want to have printed ink.
I don't want to start chewing on pencils, eating keyboards.
No, dude.
We're not doing that.
We'll be up all night and eventually, you know, they'd break or they'd get it from someone else and they would be up all night and then they'd have AIDS the next day.
I had kids.
I had a baby.
I guess my eldest was a baby back then.
So I go into his office, get the money, and, uh, he was the weirdest dude.
He had, like, a tight sweater on and snowboard pants.
And he was walking around like Eeyore with AIDS.
Um, slowly moping.
One time, I left and came back.
No, my wife, I was with my wife.
She, she did it too.
And she forgot her umbrella.
So I run back in to get her umbrella.
And there's a black tranny standing up.
And he's sitting on his waiting room couch for some reason, and he's holding her hand, and he's like, I don't understand you.
There's a black accent here in New York, in Harlem and in East New York, that's so thick, you can't understand them.
I remember Baystick Man, he was saying when he was in prison.
And then, you know, they transferred me to this one prison where I was one of the only white guys there, and these dudes were so black, you couldn't understand them.
Like it was 80% slang.
Crackalackin' or whatever we're talking about.
So I would stay at his place in LA.
We're back to Knoxville now.
I would stay at his place in LA.
And then, I blew it by getting- See, I would do Adderall, and he's a busy guy, right?
So there'd be two tabs on the counter, there's beer in the fridge, and there's a VHS tape of rodeo bloopers in the TV.
I'm talking about now, 2001.
No, maybe 2003.
about 2001, no, maybe 2003, early 2000s.
So you're doing Adderall, drinking beer, and maybe some whiskey, and you're watching guys get killed by bulls, and you end up getting really, really wasted.
Three hours later, I'm high as a kite, and I don't appear wasted because of the Adderall.
So I'm ready to rock!
And then he comes back and he says, hey, hide in this box.
No, I'm going to hide in this box.
It was a box a video game came in, like a stand-up video game.
And then you get my daughter, my wife, to come upstairs and say that you have a surprise.
And then I'll jump out of the box.
And now my eyeballs are golf balls.
I'm Alexandria Cortez.
And so I bring them upstairs.
And he jumps out.
And they go, whoa.
And then they look at me.
And I'm just going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like a crazy person.
So that didn't work.
And then, uh, we keep hanging out and we eventually, so I go, I gotta get out of here, dude.
So we go to, uh, that place Lemmy used to go to, the Rainbow Room, I think it's called, and we meet Stevo there.
So it's me, Jeff Tremaine, who every time I see him, I'm reminded that he won Sexiest Eyes in high school.
And Stevo shows up with his new girl, and he- Stevo's a very upy-downy guy.
I think he's pretty even-keel right now, but back in the 2000s months, he'd be a lunatic.
And then other months, he'd be getting it together.
He's finally got a girlfriend.
He's not wasted.
It's looking good.
But Jeff Tremaine does a perfect Steve-O.
So, Steve-O goes up to the bar, and he's with, you know how, like, drug addicts, when they get clean, it's, they always have the clingiest girlfriend in the world, and they spend 24 hours holding hands?
So, it was one of those relationships at the time, and he goes up to get a drink from the bar, and she has to go with him, of course.
And, uh, he, Dummy leaves his phone there.
So, Jeff Tremaine He calls all of Steve-O's ex-girlfriends and says, Hey Sandy, it's Steve-O.
I'm not doing a very good Steve-O.
I'm at Rainbow Room.
Yeah man, I really miss you.
I want you to come by.
I really want to hang out.
And yeah, I'll pay for your cab.
That was another thing he said.
I'll pay for your taxi.
And in LA, that can be a pretty penny.
She probably thought, I'll just go there and it'll just be a free ride.
Then if I want to leave, I'll leave and I'll be in Hollywood.
So, over the course of the next hour, uh, two girls show up.
And, uh, they are his ex-girlfriends.
That's Knoxville in a nutshell, too.
That kind of super uncomfortable humor.
In a way, he was kind of a precursor to Sacha Baron Cohen.
Just making you cringe and making that fun.
I think he got that from his dad.
You know what his dad did once at a Christmas get-together?
At Christmas.
Uh, Knoxville's brother brings his girlfriend home for Christmas.
They've been dating for four years.
And the dad puts a present under the tree.
It's an okay ring he probably got from his wife's jewelry box.
So, you know, not an absurd piece of garbage, but nothing too expensive.
And he wrapped it and he made it from his son to her and said, Will you marry me?
So on Christmas, Johnny Knoxville's dad picks up this wrapped little ring and says, Oh, here's one from whatever his son's name is, Danny.
Here's one from Danny.
Oh, it's for you.
And he's probably nervous because he's probably familiar with his father's antics.
And then she starts crying and says yes, and then he has to unravel that this is just a prank and he doesn't actually want to marry her.
Not yet, anyway.
So that's what they're coming from.
I actually copied it once.
Derek Beckles, Pinky Carnage, the guy with a show on Adult Swim.
He was dating this nightmare, this Polish woman.
Who, God, she just dominated him, man.
And he's one of those guys, sort of like Stevo, that can just get subsumed by a girlfriend.
And then the next thing you know, it's just like, I can't get out of this, man.
They have big screaming fights every time he tries to...
A stalker, basically.
You know, we've all had one or two in our lives.
And he goes, I finally got rid of her.
Her name was like Elska or something.
And he goes, dude, I think I finally got rid of her.
I think we're finally broken up.
And it had been years.
Years.
And he made the mistake of going to the bathroom.
And I just texted her.
They had been broken up for about 40 hours.
I texted her two words.
So lonely.
Isn't that brilliant?
And the phone is just like... Just like, it's marching all over the bar like a little caterpillar.
It's had a life of its own.
It's going down three places over and then it's coming back.
We should have done that to two ex-girlfriends and then raced them.
Come on!
Come on!
Come on, Elska!
Elska's in the lead!
I think they ended up going back out.
I threw him back into the wolves.
Anyway, those were fun dudes.
I was in charge of Vice TV at the time.
After we moved to New York, we had all these different divisions.
That had never really occurred to us.
We just thought it would just be a magazine forever, but when we had this eccentric billionaire invest, he said, no, you have to be a lifestyle brand.
You need retail.
We had retail.
We had fashion.
We had record stores.
We had record label.
We had Fucking everything, bottle openers, online marketing.
I mean, online, you know, like Amazon.
And it was just untenable.
Anyway, I was in charge of, and there was Vice Films, there was Vice TV, and I was in charge of that.
Everyone had to be in charge of something, right?
You need a president.
It has to be your baby.
So, I pitched a show with David Cross for a while.
We did the pilot, didn't get picked up.
And then, Knoxville says, let's do this.
There's a common myth going around that it was Spike Lee's idea to, wait, Spike Jones' idea, who said, hey man, you guys are doing these articles, you should bring a camera.
No, we had the TV idea for a long time.
In fact, I remember before I even met Knoxville, I went to MTV, probably in 2000, and we had cobbled together a shitty Sort of version of what Vice TV is now and I got some low-level employee, you know MTV if you're not in any station's LA branch, then you're just wasting your time.
You pitch to HBO New York, and the best they can do is recommend you when you go down to LA, so it's a total waste of time.
Anyway, I was with some loser at MTV, and he goes, yeah, that's okay, but check this out.
This is 2000.
Jackass hadn't come out yet, and he puts in a tape, and I realized, I am out of my league.
That was the tape.
I don't think it ever aired in public, but it's Johnny Knoxville getting shot in the chest with a handgun.
I believe that's gotta be illegal, right?
To do it recreationally?
Shoot someone in the chest?
It's really tense to watch.
God, that guy has balls, man.
Even re-watching Jackass the other night with my kids, I just... Like, getting shot with one of these riot bags that's like a sand pellet?
Right in the stomach?
Or doing a rail slide that only a top pro skater would do that's maybe two flights of stairs.
I mean, you know you're getting a concussion.
Butterbean knocks him out.
The guy's had a lot of concussions.
I think he's definitely eligible for being punch drunk when he gets older.
That's not a myth.
I mean, I don't think I've met a professional boxer that didn't have it.
That didn't be a little slow.
They talk like they're retarded.
The guy who, what's his name, that does Pacquiatos, trained Pacquiatos, that guy talks Fucking weird, man.
It's disturbing.
Anyway, the next day, he's got to do more stuff, and I got fuck all day.
I'm there for a pitch with Knoxville, but that's just one meeting or two meetings a day.
I just got nothing to do all day.
So I'm back at his house, and his daughter's there.
She's probably ten at the time.
So we start doing exquisite corpses together.
Do you know what those are?
I draw the head, then I fold it so you can't see it, then you draw the body, then you fold it so you can't see it, and then you draw the legs.
I actually got along with her so well that I would mail her exquisite corpses later where I'd draw the head and say, your turn, like we'd be pen pals.
That's kind of a weird, that sounds weird to you now, but that was kind of a weird punk thing, where you'd be friends with kids.
Like there's a, uh...
There's a Sid Vicious interview where he's like, those dialogues with these kids, what?
And they were so fun.
We were just mucking about, having fun.
Like my friend's kid, she's, the daughter is maybe 11 now, but when she was 8 she saw X, the band.
You know, the Johnny didn't run Pauline.
And she wrote the Exine Cervenka letter.
And Exine Cervanca wrote back.
And now they're pen pals and then they go see each other.
They're friends.
So when X plays in New York, she goes and sees her.
That's her buddy, Exine.
Same with Fred Armisen.
Fred Armisen wrote a letter to John Waters when he was 10 saying, I just got in shit for saying that I'd blow up the school if the world was gonna end.
I don't want to blow up the school.
And John Waters said, that sounds reasonable.
If the world's gonna end, who cares?
And they're friends today.
But no, I didn't end up becoming pen pals with his daughter.
But this is probably because later on that night, and I had a little brother at the time, so I was 30 and my brother was like 12.
And my memories of him was just beating him up.
In a fun way.
Like, I'm gonna get you!
And throwing him down the stairs and stuff.
Or chasing him and then tickling him or strangling him.
Jokey stuff.
And, you know, this is rich L.A.
celebrity kids.
So she has a party.
She's maybe 11.
And her 11-year-old friends come over.
And I, we, there's a big ball, like a medicine, not a medicine ball, but that sort of exercise ball.
And I was like, let's play pass it, pass it.
And then I would occasionally surprise them and wing it at one of their heads, one of the kids' heads.
And you know when you get a kid perfectly with those big, huge exercise balls and they don't put their hands up, they just go flying?
So I was knocking them down like bowling pins.
And I thought it was funny.
I mean, I thought we were having a great time.
But, uh, we go out that night, and Knoxville can't come, and he texts me, and he goes, I can't believe what the fuck you've done here.
Those kids had to have their parents called right after you left and take them home.
They were traumatized.
They were shaking.
One of them was crying.
You can't ever come back here, dude.
He said, at least Steve-O knows that kids are out of bounds.
You scared the shit out of these guys.
And I went, Oh, shit.
And I still don't know to this day, was this just Canadian hockey player rambunctiousness up against, um, L.A.
pussy kids who can't handle some horsing around?
Some, some, Kevin getting a ball whipped at your head?
Or was it a drunk idiot on Adderall who didn't realize he was beating children?
I don't know.
But watching Jackass last night, you can see... You know what's brilliant about those guys too, by the way?
I think that movie cost 5 million and made 200.
It was like Blair Witch.
And Spike Jonze is a rich kid, and you know I don't criticize rich kids.
I always confuse Spike Lee and Spike Jonze.
They couldn't be more different.
But Spike Jonze comes from money.
And his brother's a big DJ.
His brother is portrayed really negatively in Lost in Translation.
Sophia Coppola was dating Spike Jonze for a while, and I think Spike dumped her.
And if you look at Lost in Translation, there's a lot of revenge against Spike's brother for some reason.
So there's this idiotic DJ wigger dude who is meant to be an attack on Spike's brother.
It's really mean.
I met him once and I go, dude, the way you're portrayed in Lost in Translation, that would genuinely hurt my feelings.
And he goes, yeah, I saw that, man.
I didn't want to believe it was me, but it gets pretty hard to avoid.
I just kind of blocked it out.
Yeah, that's the best solution.
But I think Spike, right, probably has a, like, Knoxville's poor.
He grew up just, uh, uh, getting wasted.
But, you know, uh, I think Tremaine and, uh, and Jones come from, you know, private school backgrounds.
I actually don't know about Tremaine.
So they stand up to MTV and they don't do that thing that young people do when they get a break and go, okay, anything you want.
Like Mr. Show did that with HBO.
They just signed all their characters away.
They couldn't do a movie with any of the characters they'd made on Mr. Show.
HBO owned all their characters.
They were pissed off at themselves.
That's the truth 95% of the time.
You just say yes to everything.
I actually don't think it's such a bad idea.
If you win the lottery and HBO says yes, just let them have your characters in retrospect.
Get it on the air, then do something else later on.
They both had great careers.
Anyway, so they say, no, you don't own Jackass or anything about it.
We'll accept that we might get sued.
We'll accept some liability.
But you're licensing it from us.
It's our movie.
So I don't think MTV made a cent off of Jackass.
I think they kept that $200 million.
And I'm also told that they were very generous with the crew.
They were very cool with the crew, and they cared about those guys.
Little stand-up dudes, you know, real old-fashioned men.
But I remember, inevitably, you know, that kind of fame is going to mess with your head.
And it takes some sort of real strength to go, all these people that love me is no reflection on me.
It's got nothing to do with how awesome I am.
It's just fame and stupidity.
So I think a lot, especially young actors, I'm not talking about Steve-O anymore, young actors, they can't handle it.
And so Steve-O got addicted to drugs in a really bad way.
And he, I'm trying to find it here, oh yeah.
So he had this thing and it was called, um, it was called Steve-O's Rad Email List.
And this was going on in around 07, 06, 2006.
And he would get high on Maths, or I think PCP was big.
In one of the, there's a Steve-O DVD where there's an extra DVD in it, it's called PCP Saved My Life, and it's about the insane rants that he would go on on PCP, where he would just talk his ass off.
It's really, really good.
In fact, that night that he had those fake girlfriends, I mean those ex-girlfriends come and see him, I really wanted to talk about PC Saved My Life.
I don't think he was happy about it.
Because, you know, when you're sober, you look back on your PCP and you realize that, um, You were talking like an asshole.
But here's the last one I got from him, and it was a celebrity email list.
It was Mike Judge on it, and all the jackass guys, and there'd be like some 50 Cent or something on it.
It was a really weird email list, and he'd send one a day that went on and on and on.
And here is a quintessential one from Steve-O, and the year is September 23rd, 2014.
Most people kill themselves because of a medical condition.
This is true in my case too.
The condition I suffer from is that I am not normal.
I am not like every one of you quote-unquote sane people.
Hackers drove me to the limit.
This is so meth.
And kind of Adderall-y too.
I am not normal in the sense that I'm not like every other one of you brain-dead zombies.
I can think.
I can reason intelligently.
I can observe and learn from life.
I can make my own decisions and follow through on them.
And I can do these things without any aid from celebrities!
This is a mass email he's sending to celebrities.
TV, radio, or MySpace.
Unfortunately, every one of you shit-brained lemmings seem to think that these skills seem to lack these skills and I can't fucking take it anymore.
Since everyone in this world is fucking retarded and a drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery.
I truly wish I was normal.
I wish I could be a fucking retarded sponge like all of you.
Thanks for the email, Steve.
Hey man, if you can't see anything nice about someone, don't email them.
I don't need to get this email in my inbox that I and the other 60 people on it are retarded sponges.
I wish I could have had the same conversations day in and day out about sports politics and how about that weather, huh?
But I can't.
Yeah, that's what Johnny Knoxville and Mike Judge talk about.
They sit there awkwardly going, huh, so how about that weather?
Sure you'll see this note and say, Steve-O's the crazy one.
You have to.
It's the only way you can go on thinking you're sane and your pathetic life is meaningful.
Go ahead and call me the weirdo like everyone else surely will.
Then return to your happiness of everyday mindless monotony.
Oh no, I spelt it right.
Monotony.
Actually, I think Steve was a rich kid, too.
You can tell by his spelling and grammar.
My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me, but only leaves me brain-dead.
For if ignorance is bliss, and every one of you fuck for brains, and that's spelled correctly, he has fuck-for-brains.
So we're seeing a well-educated kid here.
Um, and every one of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brainstem in a coma- Let me- Sorry, let me do that again.
I- I interrupted myself to- to- to, uh, give him accolades for his grammar, but I'm ruining the sentence.
For, if ignorance is bliss, and every one of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brainstem in a coma, devoid of any cognitive ability, must surely be utopia!
That is fuckin' PCP, isn't it?
Like, when you watch Intervention, and they're sitting there doing math things, and they're like, I don't understand.
I mean, if you multiply things, but then when you divide them back, it becomes a different thing.
So what you're actually doing is you're changing the structure of numbers.
You're changing their molecules when you multiply and then divide back.
You can reorganize society the same way.
What we do with people, what do we do?
We have sex, right?
And what happens?
You have babies.
You're multiplying.
And what happens with genocide?
It's taking it back.
It divides.
So it's like a war with genocide.
Every time you have a baby, you're at war with genocide.
And the population is constantly I was actually getting into that.
And then back to Steve-O.
That's the last line.
into that.
And then back to Steve-O.
"Leave my machine plugged in you fucking retards." Steve-O.
That's the last line.
It's all capitalized too.
"PS, if If I get undead, please don't shoot me in the head.
I won't harm you.
I planned ahead and have like 20 homeless guys brains in my freezer.
That's at the end where he realizes, shit, I got a little harsh there, and I should probably calm down.
You know, the ebbs and flows of lunacy.
And that's evident in the, uh, in Jackass.
There's hundreds of those.
I used to put them up on my old site, Street Carnage, and he... I don't know, he contacted me once and goes, Dude, why are you putting up those people's private email addresses?
I said, I'm not, Steve.
Look at it.
It just says from, and then it says you without your email, and then none of the CCs are there.
Fuck you!
Okay.
Bye.
Um...
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This is what drives me nuts when you see people in the city.
The Lower East Side, during a heatwave, you'd often see families just sleeping on the street.
I don't mean like bums.
They'd make it a cute thing.
It would be a nice neighborhood that they all hung out in, right?
And they'd have a radio and sleeping bags and they'd all be there lying on the street because it was too hot in their apartment.
And I thought, Dad, Can't you just buy an AC and have the AC room?
Take your smallest room and make it the AC room and sleep on that floor?
And it could be 69 degrees?
An air conditioner is only about 220 bucks.
They last for at least 10 years.
You divide that up on the per days in the summer you use it, and it's worth its weight in gold.
In fact, every time I'm in an air-conditioned room like right now, for example, I can't help but think of all the years as a young man I just assumed that air conditioning was something I can't afford and would lie there all July and August with like a wet face cloth on my head trying to cool down.
Or a fan.
Guys, put together $10 a day for 20 days.
Bums can do it.
Bums have vodka bottles that are $10 a day.
Put aside $10 a day for 20 days.
You've got an AC now for the next 10 years.
Yeah, but the electricity is really expensive.
Yeah, I'd hate to suffer through that electricity bill.
Lying on a street must be way better.
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I'll just end it with one last Knoxville story.
Monogamy is easy when you're my age, because they're not exactly kicking down the front doors.
And I know we see all these celebrities cheat, and we go, what a piece of shit.
And I agree with that.
Especially when they have kids.
But...
He who casts the first stone should not be living in a glass house, and the doors shouldn't be closed while he throws those stones out the side of the glass house, because it'll shatter, and if it's winter, he'll get cold.
And if it's summer and he has AC, well then the heat's gonna come in and fill the glass house.
And by the way, what are you doing in a glass house in the summer?
You're going to cook in there.
That's for plants, dumbass.
But I was at, uh... What's it called?
The Tavern?
It's on, uh, Houston Street in the East Village.
It's right where, obviously, that borders the... The, uh... The Lit Tavern or something?
It was pretty far east.
It was past Ludlow and everything.
Where the action is.
And I was with Luke... This whole episode's name-dropping, by the way.
I was with Luke Wilson.
and Johnny Knoxville, and they were playing pool together.
I never really hung out with Luke Wilson.
Oh, you know what's funny?
Knoxville and those guys, they noticed that Luke has this sort of sad demeanor, so they started this prank, and they called it The Saddest Wilson, meaning he's so much sadder than Luke, and they had toilet paper with a caricature of Luke Wilson, and it just says The Saddest Wilson.
I have a roll of this.
I don't think anyone else does.
They made neon signs, t-shirts.
It all just said The Saddest Wilson.
It's fun.
That's the thing fun people do, by the way.
Like, to go back to Derek Beckles, in high school, they just chose a random Asian dude, like Jim Fong, and they said, he's now a star to us.
So we're gonna follow him in the hallways, we're going to try to get his autograph, we're gonna call his parents, we're going to make posters of him, and they just made this guy into a celebrity and would scream when they saw him.
It drove him nuts, the poor kid.
He didn't get the joke.
But, uh...
The mother came to the school and begged them to stop making him a celebrity.
Anyway, so they were doing that to Luke.
And then Luke Wilson tried to kill himself.
And that made that whole joke real unfunny, real fast.
But anyway, this was before all that.
And I've never seen this before in my life.
And it happened all the time with Mr. P.J.
Clapp.
There would literally- I'm not exaggerating here!
I don't- I hate the word literally, but here it is.
There would literally be a lineup of women waiting to speak to him.
He would be standing by the jukebox.
They would naturally form a line, too.
He wouldn't say, form a line, but some girl would come up.
He'd pull out- He had this little tiny notepad.
Little black book.
And this girl would say, hey man, and he'd go, oh, OK, I'm staying at the Paramount.
My hotel room is 1504.
My flight tomorrow is at 5 PM.
So you could come in at 9 AM, I guess.
And then she'd leave.
And then the next girl would come in, and he'd fill in another slot, until he just had this revolving door of ladies that would love to have some time with the old PJ man, the king of pajamas.
Now, I know we all see the sanctity of marriage as incredibly important, obviously, but I'd like to see you tell a lineup of women that no, they may not perform fellatio upon you.
And no, you may not fill up your address book with seven different girls every single day.
But yeah, I don't want to disparage the guy.
Great guy.
It really helped Steve-O out.
Got Steve-O clean.
Got him into rehab.
Steve-O's doing great.
I assume.
Last time I checked, he'd been clean for years.
But, uh...
Yeah, those guys, you know what's so great, I'm just winding it up now, but you know what's so great about those guys is they always kept it fun.
Like, they never got serious, they never got into who's gonna, if someone's gonna stab someone else in the back, or who's getting how much of this cut and that cut, it never got ugly with them.
Even when we'd go to meetings and we'd be at MTV or HBO or something, all of those dudes would have their, Jeff Tremaine and Johnny Knoxville would have their hands over their balls.
Holding them, cupping their balls, because you're never safe from a kick in the nuts with those guys.
So, and I would get to do it too.
I would get pissed off because I'd only had one baby and I wanted two more.
I didn't want you to mess with my kids.
He told me once, Knoxville told me that he saw his sperm in a microscope and it looked like a Russian prison.
Every single sperm had some sort of damage to it.
I don't want that!
So I was like, I don't want to be part of this stupid game.
I don't want to be part of your ball tag.
But you are, inevitably.
So they'd be in important meetings with executives, and they'd have to shake someone's hand.
They'd have to remove one hand from their balls, shake it, and then put it right back on top of their balls.
That's a good lesson there.
That's the lesson of this podcast, I think.
And it's not my lesson, it's theirs, and that's never take anything seriously ever.
Not even cancer!
Even that movie with Benicio, what's his name, Roberto Benigni, where he doesn't take the Holocaust seriously because he doesn't want his daughter to know that they're gonna die.
Always inject fun.
Obviously that's a very extreme example, but I think my only regret when I look back at my life is the times I took everything too seriously.
As the English Beat said, it's only a game.
Ackie 1 to 3.
And finally, please tune in to CRTV.com where I have Get Off My Lawn every day, basically.
Except for a bunch of days.
And then CRTV Tonight, which is a talk show I do in D.C.
that's more like Red Eye with, you know, guests and a sit-down panel and stuff.
We play games and it's just silly celebrity news, mostly.
With some serious stuff speckled in, but even then we don't take it seriously.
And then there's After Hours, which is more of a sit-down-y thing.
And I'm opening a new studio.
In New York City, just down the street from Rockefeller Center.
So I'm gonna have two different studios now for Get Off My Lawn, as well as this podcast, which is free.
