Get Off My Lawn Podcast #72 | There's a funny thing happening in comedy
This is a very serious episode about jokes and what’s happened to them. Political correctness has infiltrated all of comedy now and the result is sketch comedy, stand-up, movies, and TV are only allowed to offend one group: kids. Comedy is still wildly offensive but only in regards to that group. The end result is the bits become even more disgusting because you’re seeing comics handle blacks, Jews, gays etc with kid gloves and then treating children like they’re human garbage.
It's fun to pretend that these comedians are pedophiles.
But I know why they make so many pedophile jokes, and it's pretty simple.
It's because they ruled out all other jokes.
They became politically correct, pussified, cuck, wimp, liberal pussies.
And so that means no racial stuff.
We would like to make fun of Christians, but it's bad for business, and we'd have to make fun of Jews, too, and we can't do that.
So, I don't want to say anything about Jews, so let's just rule out Christians entirely.
Oh, we can make fun of rednecks a little bit, but, you know, if it's on something like SNL and you make fun of white people all the time and rednecks and southerners, you lose a lot of money.
So, although we're New Yorkers and we hate the South, let's abstain from that.
So, you can't make fun of everyone south of the Mason-Dixon line.
Which, by the way, my personal politics with comedy is no rules whatsoever.
Yes, pedophile jokes.
Yes, to racist jokes.
Yes, anti-Semitic jokes.
Yes, anti-Muslim jokes.
And the beauty of that mentality is it's egalitarian.
It's like Jim Goad always says, I'm not racist, I hate all races equally.
I think hate is a very healthy thing as long as you let it thrive.
And what the left has done, and liberals and the left are inseparable, what the left has done is they've They've isolated, because you're always going to have hate and animosity.
Like John Cleese said, he said, uh, every joke is mean spirited.
And he also said, that's why women aren't as funny as men because men are meaner.
And when you think of jokes, it really is taking the piss out of someone for the most part.
Like me and my dad, when we riff, I'm just constantly insulting him.
The last thing I ever said to him, uh, I was leaving his house after doing that 50th anniversary party, wedding anniversary, and my last words to him when I got to the airport was, uh, sorry about your speech, don't beat yourself up.
I was insulting his shitty speech that sucked.
Because he didn't mention my mom once.
And his whole speech, by the way, is also like this.
Because his was just jokes about how terrible me and my brother are.
And how he evicted us both from his apartment.
He owned... He was a slumlord.
And he owned some shitty apartments that my brother and I stayed in when we first moved out and he booted us out.
Anyway.
And so they've taken the mean-spiritedness, the masculinity, the fun out of it.
And left very few targets.
And when you do that, you say, no race, no sexism, no ableism, no transphobia, no homophobia.
When you inject all these stupid parameters into comedy, you're really just left with those without a voice.
Kids.
And, on top of that, These comedians are all fucked in the head, and they tend to be dysfunctional, and they tend to be lonely and childless.
You don't hear Jim Gaffigan making pedophile jokes.
He's got a happy family.
But for the most part, these losers are single.
And the women have had a bunch of abortions that they think are funny.
And they always... What's her name?
Jen Kirkman?
Have you ever heard her?
She was pretty funny.
But if you really listen to her stand-up, so much of it is about how she's... I'm perfectly fine being single.
I actually like it.
I'm actually happier being single.
I mean, I don't care.
I'm not crying.
Oh my God, it's my allergies.
No, I just... I don't usually wear contact lenses in the day and my eyes are really irritated.
Again and again and again.
So, and like Amy Schumer, does she have a kid?
So these, you have dudes who just treat women as colostomy bags for their cum, and then these women that are colostomy bags, and if they're not getting jizzed on, they're having abortions.
So, with those, you take those two groups, and you say, I don't want to hear any kind of isms, and I don't want to hear any bigotry.
And they go, okay, well that leaves kids.
So, there is this wild imbalance of pedophile jokes.
Now, in my world, we would have those jokes, but there'd also be, you know, potentially racist jokes and other things that would muddle it up.
And the next thing you know, you're just listening to adult humor in New York City at 1am.
I'm banned from that comedy club, The Stand, ever, forever, because I pulled my dick out.
I had a bet with the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Luis Gomez, and I was telling him how easy his job is.
And he goes, alright, I'll pay you a hundred bucks if you can do stand-up and make people laugh.
And I go, dude, I do it all the time.
For fun.
It's easy.
Just be funny and tell stories.
And he goes, well, you're on.
Let's have a bet.
So I go to The Stand, and Aaron Berg was in front of me, and he just talked, he's Jewish, and he just talked about how disgusting foreskins were.
And then so I got up and I go, look, I understand they're not the most aesthetically pleasing thing when they're flaccid.
They look like a little elephant's trunk.
And I pulled my dick out because it was relevant to the conversation and showed the audience my penis.
Everyone was laughing their heads off, by the way.
And the owners were pissed off and said, you're never coming back here ever again.
And the manager's exact words were, and now I must turn my back on you in an email.
That's so gay, dude.
Oh, you can't say gay.
But I thought it was a pretty funny set.
And my argument, by the way, was that all penises look the same erect.
And unless you're married, the only time your wife sees your dink is when it's erect, right?
Sorry.
If you're single and a woman sees your penis, it should be erect.
Right?
If you're dating?
Like, what are you doing being nude without a boner?
So, um, and I was also saying the design that I had just figured out recently, by the way, is if you don't, like, you know how sometimes you have to use spit for lube?
If you put your foreskin forward and put it right up against the labia and then push, the skin recedes and it Trojan horses the penis into the vagina.
So God has it there for a reason.
It's actually a brilliant design.
And all this spitting on your hand, by the way, is giving her a UTI.
There's all that bacteria in your mouth.
With the foreskin trick, the Trojan Horseskin, you just sort of schloops it in.
You poo it in.
Anyway, and I was thinking, I was saying to the manager before he turned his back on me forever.
I go, it's New York City.
Maybe I'm just old, but when I'm thinking about a club in New York City at 1 a.m., I'm thinking of Joe Coleman biting the head off a rat, which he used to do on stage.
Or he would line himself up with firecrackers and set them off.
Like, that's why people come to New York City.
It's leather jackets and bad boys.
You're supposed to be seeing Richard Hell and the Voidoids, wearing a Please Kill Me shirt and some dead junkie on the sidewalk.
There's rats everywhere.
You can't make a dick joke with an actual penis.
Oh, it's an actual penis!
Look, there's no kids there!
Of course, if there were, you'd probably like it, because that's where comedy's at now.
It's all kid fucking jokes.
Anyway, so I was watching SNL, this is where I had this epiphany and I realized, you guys are just, all you can do is make kid fucking jokes because you need to be mean-spirited, but you've ruled out all other groups, kids don't have a voice, and you don't care about kids because you don't have any, and you feel kind of bad about your abortions, so it's kind of cool to shit on kids.
You know, they have things like, I just saw an article, you should listen to Beyonce when you're getting your abortion.
It's totally awesome, dude.
You know, I've seen signs feminists haven't realized, like, my abortion rocked.
Yeah, make it a fun thing.
Kids are stupid.
Ugh, I hate kids.
That's the new hot thing, right?
And so that perfect storm of factors, and once again, just to be crystal clear, the factors are dudes who don't put a ring on it, just banging everything that moves.
Don't care about kids.
Kids are a burden to them.
It means their party years are over.
Women who have been used and abused and have had three abortions.
This new rule that everything has to be politically correct in comedy.
And then the fourth factor is sort of a combination of the first three, where it's just trial and error.
When you rule out all this bigotry, you're left with one victim.
And you gotta choose your target, so they choose kids.
Like there was a vice my alma mater did a big thing where they had a nine-year-old telling jokes about Telling pedophile jokes to this room of guys laughing and I swear to God I could tell by the sounds of the laughs that these people don't have kids and they probably never will and one his last joke was what's the hardest part about being a pedophile and the kid goes just trying to fit in a joke about his own anal rape and And then all the childless pigs laugh in the background.
And I think, so this is where we're at.
You couldn't dare make that level of taboo joke about race or Jews or Muslims or gays.
That would just be unthinkable.
So it's weird how it's sort of like someone wants to fight and they want to use an axe, but they don't want to get hurt.
You can't raise the bar to that level and then have nothing else apply.
Or you just look like a deranged pedophile, which is what they all look like now.
I mean, they're getting a rep as pedophiles.
We saw, I'm gonna have a thing on CRTV tonight where we go through a whole bunch of pedophile jokes and try to figure out, is this Dan Harmon, the guy who made a fake pilot where he rapes a baby?
Is this Michael Ian Black, who's told about a hundred jokes about drinking young boys' semen, calling it jizz caviar?
Is it Sarah Silverman's pedophile jokes?
Is it Sam Cedar's pedophile jokes about his daughter being raped?
They go on and on and on.
You don't find any racist jokes.
But you find about five pedophile jokes, and I know the Media Matters angle for this is, uh, alt-right white supremacist laments the lack of racist jokes.
Yeah, that's one way to put it.
Sure, you got a point.
They were funny.
I told a bunch on Josh Denny's podcast.
Like, my favorite one that's not even racist is, uh, An Indian, a Chinaman, a black guy and a Jew go into an old Irish bar.
And the Chinaman orders a Guinness.
And the black guy says, I'll just have a gin and tonic.
And the Jew orders a Budweiser.
And... I'm forgetting all the races now.
And let's throw a gay in.
And the gay orders a vodka tonic and the bartender looks up at them and goes, What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Get out of here.
That's the joke.
That's funny.
And it's very American.
This is something that I'll get into in a bit.
But American comedy is very unique in its stupidity, which is a good thing.
Americans are crass and tactless.
You know the ugly American with the black socks and the sock garters and the Hawaiian shirt with the camera speaking to some Parisian really slowly?
I asked you where the Eiffel Tower is, dummy!
That's America, and I think it's great.
America, and Trump is like this too, is Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
And the classic example is when he farts at the country club, and he goes, whoops!
Someone stepped on a duck!
That's American in a nutshell, and I think Americans need to embrace that.
And all this snobby rules is profoundly un-American.
Like Josh Denny, the guy I was just talking about, he gets it.
He gets that a big part of comedy is being a dumbass.
And one of my favorite jokes is, and he got in big trouble for this, he said, can someone tell this Asian girl to close her legs at the public pool?
I don't want to be sitting here swimming, staring at your slanty pussy.
Now, parsing jokes and explaining them is disgusting.
It's like when you had to cut up frogs in science class.
But to dissect that, you would go, it's clearly a parody of racism and someone who thinks that Asians' vaginas are horizontal and not vertical because they don't have epicanthic folds on their eyes, so maybe their vaginas are similar.
He obviously doesn't believe that.
It's obviously a joke.
It's a stupid joke.
And you wouldn't get that kind of joke in Britain.
Justin Theroux blew my mind once when he said, Britain does smart losers, America can't.
America can do dumb losers like Homer Simpson, but Alan Partridge Played by, what's his name?
Steve Cooney?
Steve Dugan?
What's his name?
That's a smart loser.
That's a very well-educated failure who had a great career as a TV host and now he's washed up and he lives in a trailer and he does BBC One and he deserves much more success than he has and that's funny to Brits.
And I like it too.
I come from a British background so I get it.
But it's no Animal House.
Like, John Belushi with that custard in his mouth going, and spitting all the contents on those pretty girls.
Those sorority girls.
And he goes, I'm a zit!
Get it?
And then they all chase him to beat the shit out of him as he runs, pushing chairs behind him so they'll trip, which they do.
That's funny, great American comedy.
That's not what we're at anymore.
Now it's just really sadistic kid jokes that are bizarre.
And now SNL is obviously going to be the most benign of these examples.
If you want to look up, like, Michael Ian Black's tweets, you can see how dark this gets.
Or even, uh, what's his name?
The James Gunn, whatever his name is, from Guardians of the Galaxy.
I was sort of...
I'm not defending these guys because I love seeing them be hoisted with their own petard, as they say.
It's sort of like when you grab your little brother's fist and you punch him with it and you go, why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself?
I like seeing them be victims of their own pedantry.
No, it's pedophile pedants experiencing their own penance.
That's a great headline.
That's why I like seeing them get screwed by their own stupid rules.
But, you know, behind closed doors, I go, they're obviously just a joke.
But then sometimes you read them and you go, wow, that's a fucking harsh joke.
Like if that was a racist joke, it would burn your ears off.
And that's true of the Guardians of the Galaxy guy's jokes.
I mean, he's talking about raping babies and stuff.
Or Dan Harmon in that pilot he made that he pretends was like a spoof of Dexter, which it looks nothing like.
He's literally, with his pants down, raping a newborn.
So you go, okay, so you're G.G.
Allen when it comes to those jokes, but then you can't handle it with any other joke.
And so anyway, so on SNL, I'm still trying to get to SNL, Two Bits, it was a date, it was a show like, me and my mom!
And it was a silly, almost like a newlyweds type of show, but it was things about me and my mom, and one of them was, what things do you hate the most?
And there's a black couple, and a black mother and son, and a white mother and daughter, and then a very religious, see they can make fun of Christians, a very religious mother and son.
And the other two couples are normal, and it's like, what do you hate the most?
Mom, my mom hates it when I leave my socks on the floor.
And yeah, will you win?
Ding, ding, ding.
That's what your mom guessed you'd say.
And the black family does something like that.
Oh, I'm mostly playing those video games.
And then the religious sort of, what do you call it, polygamy type family, he goes, what do you hate the most?
My mom hates it when I get out of our bed earlier than her and she doesn't know where I am and then she's kissing him on the lips and stuff so it's a it's an incest joke it's a pedophile joke it's an anti-christian joke whatever and uh it was actually kind of funny to be totally honest and if they had if peppered their bigotry around it would be a lot less offensive but here's the crazy part you end up with this really obtuse humor that's shocking because nothing else is like it
SNL used to have really good bits.
And it was crazy all the way around.
But now that you've killed all the other pieces, this one sticks out like a sore thumb.
So by changing the context and the surroundings, it's really isolated and it's just fucking shocking.
So it's an even more intense pedophile joke.
That just drips with agenda, and it's alarming.
You know what I mean?
It's sort of like my buddy, his family's away, and his family moved to L.A.
before he did.
He's got to finish his job.
And his brother plays video games.
I'm not a fan of video games.
I think it's stupid for an adult to play, but whatever.
He's bonding with his brother.
He's in his 40s, by the way.
So he's getting on this PC where you play with other people, right?
And he wants to meet other guys to play with.
And, uh, you have to put- I guess you put, like, a little thing that says who you are, and... He said, smashing your moms since 86.
Hit me up.
Let's rock, boys.
Something like that, right?
Now he's banned.
He got kicked off.
He didn't know the rules, and he didn't know you're not supposed to do that because he didn't want kids doing that.
But here's the thing about censorship...
If you really parse that sentence down, I've been making love to your mother since 1986.
So what he's actually doing there is isolating kids and saying, I only want to play with guys that could handle a harsh joke like this.
Basically guys my age, especially 86.
I was 16 in 86.
So you gotta be pretty darn old to be smashing someone's mom since 1986.
So in a way, that harshness was better.
And now that he, whenever he's off his probation, whenever they do do him, when he comes back it'll say something nicer like, looking forward to playing Call of Duty with some pals.
Now he's with a bunch of fucking 12 year olds.
And he's gonna probably say fucking shit and stuff and motherfucker into their ears.
That's what you do when you censor.
And I've always said this about the left.
They end up hurting the people they purport to help.
They always make it worse.
That's what communism is.
I guess the moral of this whole show is communism has infiltrated comedy and ruined it.
If you go to any stand-up these days, there's three jokes.
2016 sucked, Trump is Hitler, and then for variety, Trump is Satan.
On a loop, and it's so unfunny.
And I grew up with, well first I grew up with, you know, Steve Martin and Richard Pryor and all those kind of legends, watching them, listening to them on vinyl.
Billy Connolly was big at our house because we're Scottish.
But even up until like you can go as early as early 2000s Mr. Show Mr. Show was shocking Really harsh and it was across the board even by the way the new Bob and David on Netflix I was happily surprised to see them bash Muslims and Jews and equally they went across the board It wasn't it's not politically correct comedy
It's funny that David Cross is so anti-MAGA because comedy-wise he's very anti-censorship and tells tons of really harsh jokes.
So he must be in an inner conundrum right now.
We don't speak anymore.
Because of Trump.
But anyway, so that was one of the SNL bits.
And then the other one was, it was Amy Schumer talking to her kid saying, hi, my little angel.
It's Mother's Day.
I think it was a repeat of a Mother's Day episode.
And he comes in and he made some toast.
And she's like, oh my god, I'm so happy being a mom.
You know, the day I had you was the best day of my life.
And he goes, what was it like, mom?
And she says, oh, it was angels and flowers.
And it was so beautiful.
And your dad was there.
And then it cuts to her giving birth, screaming, you're not a man!
And she's pooping, and she's covered in sweat, and she's puking, and he's going, why does it look like that?
And he's screaming and crying.
Again, pretty funny if we were living in a world where that was just one of many harsh jokes.
But it's not.
It's just kid bashing after kid bashing.
And the first one was incest.
And now this one is don't have kids, it's disgusting, and it rips your pussy to shreds, and it's fucking horrible.
And, you know, giving birth is a fucking nightmare.
It does suck, by the way.
I've seen it three times.
It's pretty darn hard.
I drive my wife insane.
Every time it comes up, I always say, uh, actually, it's not that bad.
You'd be surprised.
You know, you just, you breathe.
That's the key.
You really got to breathe.
I could just, I've done the joke literally 140 times and it never gets old.
They really don't like when you tell them what giving birth is like.
Get real busy.
Anyway, and so it got me thinking about how funny SNL used to be, and I've actually done some prep work here, and I've got some examples.
One of my favorite sketches, and you would never see this, so this is back... I'm giving you context here because you're probably much younger than me, and I'm showing you how funny shit used to be when there was no rules.
By the way, a little side note here.
Why...
Corresponding with this infiltration of socialist comedy has been this real disdain and animosity for the flyover states and middle America.
Like Richard Pryor didn't hate Ohio.
You know what I mean?
Steve Martin loved all of America.
Chevy Chase didn't despise the Midwest.
But these comedians today on the left coasts, on the east and the west coasts, they just hate the middle of America.
They hate everywhere that isn't LA and New York.
And I don't get it because most comedians travel.
So you go to Ohio.
You go to the South.
You go to Abbeville, South Carolina.
You go to Madison, Wisconsin.
You meet people.
And I know when you go to the comedy club, Patton Oswalt's gang, he's got, by the way, he's got full Trump derangement syndrome.
That guy's completely lost it.
He used to be a friend of mine.
We used to talk all the time.
And I actually, I used to always joke with him and I would say, come to the dark side, Luke.
Meaning like, you must hate all this politically correct shit.
And I felt like he was close.
I felt like he was reaching out.
And then I chopped his hand off and he fell down the thing.
No, but I understand Patton Oswalt's crew and the crowd that he goes to see share his politics, but still, he has breakfast at a diner.
I mean, you gotta go get lunch, you gotta walk around the city.
So, you must meet these great American people and see that they're normal and they're not Nazis.
Yet, modern comedy is all about vilifying these people.
I get a lot of shit.
Meaning I understand a lot of stuff.
I'm good at figuring out these things.
But that is one mystery that has just been pecking at me.
I just can't figure out how you could constantly tour the country and be so wrong about the country.
Anyway, there was a great cast member back in the 70s, I want to say?
Early 80s?
Garrett Morris.
Very dark black guy.
And he did a sketch.
They had this like Hugh Buckley kind of Set like you remember in the 70s and 80s they'd have these really intellectual talking shows William F Buckley I meant to say and they would sit cross-legged on their big chairs and have a brandy and a cigarette and they would talk about politics it was really cool sometimes they'd get drunk like if you look up old Cassavetes interviews where he's on there with Peter Falk you can see they're all hammered I'm trying to bring that back with CRTV tonight.
You can tell some episodes where I've had a little too much whiskey.
My eyeballs look turgid with booze.
But, um...
So, Garrett Morris was doing that kind of a show on SNL, a parody, and he was with Julian Bond.
Now, Julian Bond is a very well-respected, by the right and the left, civil rights leader, was with Martin Luther King, and a handsome young man.
He's black, but he looks kind of white.
Anyway, so the juxtaposition for this sketch, which you can't see, obviously, and you can look it up, it's called Garrett Morris and Julian Bond on IQ Tests.
And we have a very dark black guy, Garrett, talking to a very light guy, Julian.
They've been saying that whites are smarter than blacks for hundreds of years, baby, right?
And we've only had these IQ tests for over 20, 30 years.
Now, how did the IQ of white intellectual superiority originate in the first place?
Well, that's a very interesting point.
My theory is that it's based on the fact that white skin blacks are smarter than dark skin Like can you imagine that joke today?
Julian Bond, a light-skinned black, is saying to a dark-skinned black, I think it's because us light-skinned blacks are smarter than dark-skinned blacks.
Now you have that joke on SNL, and now you show me that giving birth is hell, and you have a woman who probably has an incestuous relationship with her son, and it's not as damning.
You know what I mean?
It's just like, ooh, it's one in the morning, I'm watching a New York City sketch show, and there's some raunchy shit on it.
That's fine, I get it, but the new comedy has gotten rid of all the other stuff.
So you just have this sore thumb of pedophilia jabbing you in the eye.
Ooh, that's a good line.
Or here's another one.
This is one of my favorite ones.
It's called White Like Me, and I've seen it a million times.
I see it has 2.5 million views on YouTube, and it's Eddie Murphy dresses up as a white guy, and he has a side part, and he walks like he's got a pickle up his ass, and he goes into various places and sees what happens when you're a white person alone with white people.
And of course what happens is he goes to the bank and they just give him a loan.
He goes to buy a newspaper.
Oh, there's a great scene at the beginning when he goes to buy a newspaper.
And the guy behind the counter says, what are you doing?
He goes, I'm paying for the newspaper.
Maybe I can find it here.
I watched lots of Dynasty.
See how they walk?
It butts it real tight when they walk.
I got to bring a hip up.
Life with happiness. - Okay, here he is.
So he's doing this funny walk and he goes into a store.
And he's walking like you would walk if you were walking on Legos.
If you had a Lego in your sock.
So he grabs a newspaper.
And he goes over to the newspaper man.
What are you doing?
I'm buying this newspaper.
That's alright, there's nobody around.
Go ahead, take it.
Take it.
Go ahead.
Okay, so this doesn't really translate to a podcast, but that is the guy at the newspaper store just going, There's nobody around.
And he gives him his money back.
And Eddie Murphy realizes that newspapers are free to white people when there's no black people around.
And there's about 10 examples like this.
He's on a bus and all the black people leave and then it's just white people dancing in their strippers and free food.
Goes to the bank and they go, just take the money, pay it back whenever, don't worry about it.
And the black guy who wasn't gonna give him a loan, he leaves the room and the manager comes in and then Eddie Murphy goes, ho, ho, ho, ho, silly negro!
About the black guy who wanted him to have, you know, interest or collateral for the loan.
The guy, by the way, Who Eddie Murphy's buying the paper from.
He says, what are you doing?
There's no one here.
Take it.
That's Jim Downey.
Now, he wrote the sketch.
And he was the backbone of SNL for a long time, back when it was offensive across the board.
And he wasn't a liberal, but he wasn't a Nazi or anything, but he understood American humor and he understood that it should have no rules.
He's the guy, he did other great sketches too, like you ever remember Change Bank?
That was a thing where it was a bank that only gives change and in the commercials they go, it's amazing, I went in there with a 10 and I needed to break it and they gave me a 5 and 5 ones.
And then this other woman says, I had a dollar and I needed money for the parking meter, and I also wanted to make a call.
And they gave me two quarters and five dimes.
He also did a caveman lawyer with Phil Hartman, where Phil Hartman was a caveman.
Geico kind of stole that bit from him.
Anyway, you could tell that when Horatio Sands became part of the crew, that they were losing their edge.
And Horatio Sanz was quite vocal about it, and he hated Jim Downey.
He hated Jim Downey's awesome sketches, which defined SNL for something like 30 seasons.
And Horatio Sanz called him the Karl Rove of SNL.
And he was basing it on this sketch, which you can only find on Hulu.
I've actually recorded some of it on my phone.
He's based on a sketch where they go to Nancy Pelosi, and Nancy Pelosi's surrounded by S&M people, because she's in San Francisco.
Now, Horatio's not smart enough to get the joke.
The joke was based on some backlash she was getting from Middle America against her being, I guess, the Speaker of the House, and they're saying she's from San Francisco, and we don't need your San Francisco values, was the term that went viral before there was viral.
And so he was lampooning that concept by having S&M people around her and talking about crazy sex and stuff.
So it was a parody of bigotry.
It was a parody of the stereotype.
And same with Eddie Murphy's thing.
This White Like Me sketch is really a parody of how a lot of black people see white privilege.
This is from the 80s, by the way.
And he's already lampooning the concept of white privilege.
A perfect person, by the way, to be lampooning.
Jim Downey used to work at Harvard Lampoon for a long time.
National Lampoon, of course, is responsible for Animal House, which I think is the greatest movie of all time, and sums up American comedy beautifully.
It's a zit, get it?
0.0.
Remember when the Dean Wormer was telling them their grades?
And he's like, Butarsky, grade point average, 0.0.
And then the camera cuts to John Belushi and he has a pencil up each nostril and he's looking like, what's the problem here?
Anyway, this is some of the sketch I recorded.
No peanuts or peanut products are used.
Now, that's Kristen Wiig doing Nancy Pelosi.
She does a great job.
And by the way, Nancy Pelosi deserves to be made fun of.
I like her daughter, Alexandra Pelosi, but as someone who used to work for Nancy Pelosi said to me once, you look into her eyes and it's like you're looking into the eyes of a dead goat.
There's tons of viral videos of her trying to speak too.
I think she might be on pills or something.
She sounds like someone who's drunk lying to a cop.
She just garbles up everything she's saying.
This is the Nancy Pelosi character saying that we are a great place here in San Francisco and we respect everyone.
You know, you can have sex with whoever you want, including S&M, if you have a safe word, like, say, Palomino.
And Jim Downey wrote it so well that Kristen Wiig is almost always cracking up, because Palomino as a safety word is fucking hilarious.
Wait a minute.
We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me.
And whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion.
Whether you're a Wiccan Priestess, Druid, Tantric Buddhist, Servant of Moloch, Lord of Fire, Presbyterian, or member of the Cult of Kali, your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies.
Except, of course, gerbils.
You know what's funny about that sketch?
It's so well written it kind of hurts my hypothesis that American comedy is about being dumb.
But the big picture joke there is San Francisco S&M.
And even that big picture, devoid of all the minutia like gerbils, you can't harm gerbils by sticking them up your ass.
That was obviously a reference to the Richard Gere urban myth.
Even the big picture is funny, because it's stupid!
San Francisco, S&M, they must have S&M people working there.
But Horatio Sanz didn't like it, and that's 2015, and I think it's a great example of sort of the death of comedy.
He didn't like Jim Downey's politics, so Jim Downey can't continue to write amazing sketches.
And what happens when we do that?
We end up with this really shitty pussy comedy.
And we end up with these weak comedians who, they all look the same.
Have you noticed that these days?
These beta male comedians?
They all have that black American Apparel sweatshirt or a J.Crew sort of plaid soft shirt and cords and they have Chuck Taylors on or maybe they have those Clark's desert boots.
Everything is so soft.
I couldn't imagine one wearing red wings or actual denim, you know what I mean?
It's always a pullover or a sweater vest.
And I think that's one of the reasons why these social justice warrior comedians, who are the norm by the way, are so anti-conservative and anti-Trump and stuff, because Trump When he says make America great again, he doesn't mean slavery, obviously.
He means the 80s.
He means Alex P. Keaton.
He means jet skis and wraparound shades and mullets and wet t-shirt contests and bullies with blonde hair.
And today's comedians, there's so many restrictions that it only attracts pussies who get wedgies.
So when they see the in-crowd coming back and the captain of the football team being cool again, they go, "Fuck, I'm gonna get wedgied.
"Fuck this, we must stop, just keep calling them Nazis.
"Keep calling them racist." It's so incongruous to see all these comedians talking about Nazis all the time.
They sound absurd.
It's like they wouldn't... Imagine a bunch of surfers won't shut up about Pol Pot and Cambodian communists.
And you go, well, that's a strange place to throw your dart on the dartboard.
Why that one spot?
Well, it's because to say I don't like these alpha males because they make me feel weak doesn't sound very tough.
So they say, I think they're all evil Nazis.
And it's, you know, this is kind of happening with MIPD.
There's so many rules now and so much fucking paperwork to fill out that this new generation of cops are tending to be nerds who like paperwork and tons of rules.
I met these two cops the other day, not the other day, a long time ago, and they both separately had all of the Lord of the Rings on their phones.
I guess you can just watch The Hobbit sometimes during some downtime.
That's not good.
You shouldn't even know how to work a phone.
I want cave cops with fingers too sausage-like to be able to use an iPhone.
And I think it's the same with comedy, where these parameters are creating a freak of nature.
And that freak isn't funny.
That freak is there to preach to you.
And bore you with his hatred of his own country.
And his hatred, strangely enough, of children.
So that's where we're at with comedy now.
This wildly disproportionate number of beta males who like making jokes about fucking babies.
And no other jokes are allowed.
That's why, you know, you see such funny memes from the right.
It's because it's the only place that's left.
And they must be self-conscious about it.
Like Owen Benjamin, he pointed out, he showed all the talk show hosts that are on the cover of Vanity Fair or something, and it was Bill Maher and Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert.
Jimmy Fallon and Conan O'Brien, and he said something like, all of these people have exactly the same politics.
They all hate Trump.
They all love Hillary.
They're all wildly left-wing.
And that should be embarrassing.
It should also inhibit your comedy.
It's like affirmative action is ruining comedy.
Anyway, I'm basically going on a loop here.
I hope you understand what I'm saying, and I hope if you're going to buy a holster, you go to WeThePeopleHolsters.com and you check out these incredible heat-molded holsters fitted to your gun with a fit so tight it will make you leave your wife.
They have adjustable cant and ride, so I know it's easy for you thin gentlemen to carry your concealed carry permit, your concealed carry gun, your awesome cool gun that you get to carry wherever you go because you live in an awesome state and you don't go to New York City every day, where we would get five years.
Our buddy Clark just got out of jail.
Four months for having a gun.
And when I saw the woman who threw him in jail, I was so disappointed in her tits, I wanted to shoot Clark with that gun.
I understand if some incredible ten gets you thrown in the clink, but...
Just briefly, the story is that he bought the gun in Ohio.
He had hollow point shells, which I think, luckily, the police didn't record just out of benevolence to him, because it's often a year per hollow point.
So his magazine held seven.
That would have been seven years.
But anyway, He follows her to Ohio because he's so in love with these terrible tits.
It was the only tit that I think is a deal breaker, which is just a pizza slice with no meat in it whatsoever.
If you want to know what it's like, just take your shirt where your tits are and just fold it over.
That's what they are, just meat bags.
And it looks like a ball sack without the balls in it, which is kind of how you would describe modern comedy.
This isn't following the theme of this podcast, but anyway, um, he comes home and she's fucking another guy.
So he beats up the guy, and while they're fighting, these two guys, and Clark's a teeny little dude, um, she calls the cops, and then she's crying, but she looks great, like her hair's all up and she clearly was not in a fight, but she goes, he's a threat to me, and they go, okay lady, we'll get him out of here, and then they go, does he have anything that could hurt you?
And she goes, oh yeah, and his gun, his car and his glove box, he's got a gun.
Okay.
And, you know, when a cop hears that, it's an instant raise.
So he goes, you're fucked, buddy.
And he got a really good lawyer, spent a fortune, and they got it down to three months.
But I go, I thought that maybe it's because he's white that he got a better deal, but I looked it up.
Chadwick Moore researched it, and he wrote about this in Dangerous.com, that first-time gun possession, 80% of the time you don't serve any time.
In the Bronx.
That's probably where it happens the most.
East New York.
So I was surprised to see that.
And then Clark says, yeah, the problem is the courts don't want to look racist, so they tend not to cut deals for white dudes.
So you better get a good lawyer if you're white, because they feel like there's going to be attention on the case, and they're going to look bad if they're too friendly.
Anyway, that's got nothing to do with comedy.
But I had to mention that because I got on a tangent on WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
Now, if Clark lived in a normal state, he would shop at WeThePeopleHolsters.com and he would buy something where you could adjust the cant and the ride.
That's the way it angles in your pants.
And he would never have served three months where he read 41 books.
He put on a pound a week.
He was there for 20 weeks, so he put on 20 pounds.
And, uh, got in a fist fight.
Some guy tried to rape him in the showers on day one.
Which, by the way, is a joke I've never enjoyed.
The whole, like, oh yeah, you're gonna have fun in jail with Bubba, your roommate.
It's in tons of movies, the rape joke.
It's in that Will Ferrell movie where he tries to perform fellatio because he knows he's gonna have to do it.
Men being raped in prison, I don't know why that's the one rape joke that gets a pass.
Well, I obviously do know why.
It's because it's men.
And it's often white men.
That kind of racism is okay.
That kind of homophobia is cool.
That kind of rape joke is hilarious.
But he fought the guy.
And he's a little brawler, Clark.
I beat him up the first time I met him because I thought he was trying to stab me.
But he was showing someone else's knife.
And then I thought he was Antifa and he was wearing a wire.
Because I saw something on his waist and I threw him into the ground and I stood on his neck and I ripped it off.
And he goes, get off of me!
It's an insulin pump!
And so, as I held him down on the ground, I googled the name on the back of the thing, because there was, like, ten wires.
I thought, how many wires do you need to go into your body?
And, uh, it said, like, the leading manufacturer of insulin pumps in Hawaii.
He's Hawaiian.
And I went, oops, sorry, dude.
Thank God I didn't call the cops, because this is when he was going to trial.
And by the way, while the trial was going on for his gun case, the chick was texting him like crazy, talking about how bad she wants to fuck him and stuff.
Can you fucking believe that?
That's not funny.
Anyway.
I have a moral to this whole thing and the moral of the story is that when you meddle and when you censor and when you try to make things, when you try to guarantee an equal outcome for all and make sure no groups are offended and no one's hurt, you end up with a much worse scenario and that's where we are with comedy.
It's basically Stalinist.
It's been ruined by political correctness.
They're only allowing one offensive joke And it's to rape kids.
So now when you look at Twitter feeds or you watch SNL or you go to stand up, the only offensive joke you hear is that someone wants to drink a baby's cum or something else unimaginably disgusting.
And back in the old days, when even within offensive comedy, it was balanced out.
So it was less offensive in many ways.
Now there's just this one joke you keep seeing on a loop.
And it's not funny.
That was a pretty unfunny episode about comedy.
Please go to CRTV.com to check out my show Get Off My Lawn.
Different show Monday to Thursday and then Monday to Tuesday the next week because the next week I do CRTV Tonight where it's much more.
There's a real studio and a panel with guests and I got Dinesh D'Souza coming on to talk about his new movie Death of a Nation which I just watched and is awesome.
I was very flattered.
Across the whole movie, it says Gavin at CRTV.com and then Gavin McInnes watermarked right into the movie.
So that's flattering.
I appreciate that.
I guess I'm going to be getting a lot of emails from people who watch the movie.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's probably just what he put on the screener.
Oh, shit.
That sucks.
Yeah, so that show is a much more of a talk show-y thing.
And then I also do a show after hours where we have a longer interview with the middle guest, the super guest, the special guest, I guess they're called.
And that's like another show.
So I got the podcast, Get Off My Lawn, that you get for free.
I have the show, Get Off My Lawn, which is on almost every day.
And then I have the talk show that's on Friday nights, CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.
And then also there's After Hours, a fourth show.
Man, I'm really pumping out the content, hey?
Do you guys pump out that kind of content?
All these people who talk shit on Twitter, how much do they produce?
I've noticed that as I get older, that the more you accomplish, the less you trivialize other people's accomplishments.
So if you catch yourself trivializing a lot of accomplishments, you're probably not doing a lot.
