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July 30, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
38:38
Ep 162 | Walk Of Shame | Get Off My Lawn
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Time Text
Trap, trap, money, bunny.
This shit got me in my fist.
Gotta be real with it.
Yep.
Oh, live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGinnis.
And I need you.
And I'm down for you.
Do you love me?
Are you riding?
That seems super quiet.
Are you sure that was loud enough?
Hi, folks.
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
That was in my feelings.
Ryan, I just sent you some videos, emailed you some videos.
But that's so, you old folks aren't as cool as me.
I'm down with all the latest trends.
And the latest hot trend is to play that Drake song and then have someone who's driving a car slowly coast along as you say, so you love me.
You be by my side, and you do a little dance that's to the song.
And it's gone viral.
It's the hot thing to do.
I've got a couple examples.
Here is a 10 doing it, jumping out of her car while the song plays.
You can enjoy her buttocks and also learn what I'm talking about.
You know what is weird about this particular clip?
I'm so sexist that I'm more annoyed by her, her mannerisms, and the way she moves than her incredible sexiness.
So my own bias overtakes my libido.
And I'm just kind of irritated by her.
I don't know.
I don't like the way she moves.
Now I know how gay you see women.
Although that part is hard to say.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing women that leggings are not nudity.
You're just wearing nylons.
You're wearing your Lululemon leggings.
It's exactly like you had orange.
Actually, it's like you're nude.
Except you, I can't see the actual hole.
So she's as nude.
She's as naked as if she had just painted her legs orange.
And I'm not complaining.
I love it.
I'm a pervert.
So the fact that you dumb ladies are walking around nude with various colored legs, I'm not complaining, but if I had suggested it, you would have got mad.
If I had said, hey, new rule, chicks should wear like just the legs.
Chicks should have like orange tights on with nothing else, no dress.
Ew, what a creep.
But if you just sit back and you're quiet enough, they'll do it on their own.
Jerry Seinfeld has a bit about that.
Oh, really?
I just stole the Seinfeld bit.
Jerry Seinfeld goes like, you know, the leggings, it's for the woman who doesn't It's just the shape.
That's what the legging is for.
That was pretty bad.
I'm sorry.
And go to camera too when you do yourself, so people don't know.
No, not all black.
Anyway, let's not bore our loyal fans with silly minutiae about technology when you're here to enjoy yourselves.
We've got a fun show for you tonight.
We got Ashton Witty on the show.
I forgot to empty my briefcase.
And I went to my parents' house for their 50th anniversary, and I took some photos of all their stuff because I noticed a fair amount of it was my stuff.
These magpies, whatever you call those weird birds that collect stuff, had been picking away at my books.
And I found a lot of them in their bookshelves.
I also saw some insane things you'd only see in a Scottish household, like a lounge chair with two calculators next to it.
You know, for those times you want to sit back and just go through some ways to beat the tax man at his own game.
Wait, if I did this.
But anyway, here's another in my feelings that didn't go quite so well.
Louder, louder.
Louder, louder.
Now, I know what you're saying.
You're saying, Gav, we kind of have an understanding here.
I might watch this show when the kids are around.
You don't swear, and I appreciate that.
But we kind of have a pact that you will not show me young girls being murdered on your show.
In fact, I think that's illegal.
And that's probably true if that was not fake.
It's obviously fake.
That's why it's on YouTube.
I went through that frame by frame very carefully.
And you can see when she's bent over the car, she's still like this.
So they've just taken that, cut her out, moved her on top of the car, and then filmed.
You know how it works with that silly movie magic.
What else did I want to talk about?
I think that's it.
I'm still kind of obsessed with that thing in Oakland where Sean King, Talcom X, was talking about it, where a woman is stabbed by a transient.
I know I've already told this story, but I can't get over it.
A woman was stabbed by a transient career criminal, and they just make it into Proud Boys.
And then they randomly beat up a white dude when they're having a vigil for her, because he had an America flag shirt on.
And then they claim, oh, that was Proud Boys 2, and they came to wreck our vigil.
And Sean King just takes it.
So this poor kid who got his head beaten in for wearing an American flag hat, by the way, he has two black kids, I found out, two stepdaughters, and they're both black.
I assume his girlfriend's black.
And they beat the crap out of him based on lies.
Like these Facebook memes are becoming the news to people, and they're carrying out vigilante justice based on rumors.
At least our vigilante justice is based on facts.
Anyway, that's enough talking.
That's enough rapping.
We got to get into the show.
So let's talk to Ashton Witty, who I sense is feeling discouraged.
And that breaks my heart because she is unbelievably attractive and intelligent.
And if she is not happy, then America's doomed.
You know, she's getting frustrated by both the right and the left.
And we'll talk to her about that.
She thinks the right are just becoming parrot pundits who repeat everything they're told.
And as far as the left goes, she thinks both of them are playing identity politics games and trying to ruin people's lives with tweets and all that stuff.
And I disagree with her on that.
I think we should ruin their lives.
They try to ruin our lives.
I also want to show you a picture of her that is so perfect, it might change your life.
And then we'll go make fun of my parents for a while.
Ashton, are you there?
I am.
You're so attractive that I want you to either become a devout Muslim and wear a burqa or join Antifa so you hide your face because this is – it's difficult to talk to you.
I'm going to put just – Thank you.
I'm just going to have to go like this for the interview.
You know, we were talking about this the other day, but I've noticed when I watch the news that a lot of pundits, especially pretty girls like yourself, especially conservative pretty girls, especially on Fox News, they have this sort of derivative response that like, oh, you have to talk to the parents.
The parents are ultimately in charge or what we need is more family values or this has always been a problem with the borders and they have these sort of go-to responses that lack insight.
Have you noticed that?
Absolutely.
I think a lot of pundits, not just females but also males, do this a lot where they just use simple hashtags and basic talking points on Twitter and suddenly they get all of this news trafficking.
And the thing is they're the same message that we've heard over and over and over again.
And what's so dangerous about this is that now we are starting to do the exact same thing the left has been doing.
We're saying the same messages over and over and over again and it's almost just a basic chant.
Yeah.
Well, I want to be challenged.
I mean when you read especially opinion pieces and you're watching say a show like this, I want someone to say something that I haven't thought of before.
But I think people get vilified so seriously when they stray from the orthodoxy and people take things out of context that they go, you know what?
I'm going to keep my job.
I'm just going to say really boring things like war is bad.
We need borders.
This person is probably a good person but what they said was I slightly disagree with.
And it ends with this sort of milquetoast news where you're not learning anything.
It's unadventurous.
Not only that but it's almost as if we built some sort of cult.
And I tell people this all the time.
what really scares me right now is that i love trump i think trump is the best president the u.s has had since jfk my issue is now that people are talking about this new quote-unquote red wave where they say tell people to vote republican vote gop vote conservative but the problem with this mindset is that so many people who are republican don't follow the same values as trump because people are suddenly forgetting that trump is not a republican or a democrat he's just trump which is exactly why america needed
So this whole red wave is essentially dangerous because you're going to be voting for people not based on their ideas but because of their party, which is exactly the same thing as women voting for Hillary because she's, well, a woman.
It's a very cult mindset, and this could actually put our country in a lot of danger.
Yeah, that's a good point.
You know, when Sacha Baron Cohen had that idiot who wanted kids to have guns like kindergartners, and he's doing that show where he has like a rubber bun – I mean a little stuffed bunny on a gun and stuff, and it's like grenades for little kids.
And I was watching that going, yeah, good.
You found a Republican who's an imbecile who wants toddlers to have guns.
Yes, ridicule him.
I don't like the GOP.
I want the swamp drain.
And I think a lot of righties and lefties don't understand that we want to blow up the government.
And Donald Trump is dynamite.
He's Guy Fawkes.
He went in there, and it's just exploding.
And as Bannon said, they're not going to give it up without a fight.
But there's a massive fight going on, and that's why we elected him.
We don't like Republicans.
Exactly.
And so many people who vote for him are suddenly calling themselves proud Republicans, proud GOP members, proud conservatives.
And this is actually something I was thinking about the other day because I went down this train where I thought, oh, well, if this guy is a Republican, then I must not really be libertarian.
I must be a Republican too.
I want to join the GOP.
And so for a good couple of months, I was a proud Republican, conservative, whatever.
I was associated with Berkeley College Republicans for a short amount of time.
And this kind of made me realize after my time with Infowars, what am I doing?
Because a lot of these people that I am seeing at these protests who were maybe two years ago, classic liberals, libertarians, or just apolitical, are suddenly voting Republican.
And it's almost as if the GOP is using Donald Trump as a means to get more Republican votes.
yeah good point you know it's funny that you were vilified essentially disowned by your entire family for drifting to the right or or embracing trump but that's based on this perception that if you're pro-Trump and you're pro-Republican, if you're pro-Republican, then you're clearly a Nazi, and I don't want my daughter to be a Nazi.
But you go, no, I haven't joined any group.
I just like one guy.
Yeah.
I haven't even changed.
I'm still the same person I've always been.
Maybe the only difference now is that I'm more for border security and that I'm pro-life.
But besides that, I'm still fairly liberal.
And that's my huge issue is a lot of these people who vote for Trump, they're anti-establishment.
And now it's almost as if they're willing to put in establishment people as long as they're Republicans.
And this is the left versus right mindset that I'm so terrified is happening right now.
This has never been, oh, the left is our enemy.
The left is evil.
This never has been left versus right.
It's about the people versus the establishment.
We're losing sight of this, and it's very, very dangerous because the left versus right is the tactic the establishment is using to distract us.
Well, I tell this to, I don't get to talk to anarchists anymore.
They'll stab me if we're in 10 feet of each other.
But that's what I want to scream to anarchists.
Look, you're never going to have an anarchist president.
You're never going to have Emma Goldman as the president.
But as far as presidents we can have go, Trump is the most anarchist president we can get.
He's the Most small government president we could hope for.
So I don't understand why these so-called rebels don't appreciate him more and why they're not more, why they want to vilify everyone who likes him.
It's based on this false assumption.
It's simply because it's backed again to the cult mindset, applies to both the left and the right at this point.
And this is what terrifies me so much is that the people on the left, they heard Bernie Sanders say that he was anti-establishment, and yet he supports more government control, free education, free health care.
And then you have people who are anti-established and voted for Trump, but they think in order to keep Trump in office, we have to vote Republican no matter what.
The problem with this mindset is because so many Republicans hate Trump and that's what they're forgetting.
So many Republicans are very for the establishment.
And if we vote them in based on party and not ideas, we could actually lose more than we could gain.
For example, I'm from California and I am very shocked to say that we chose John Cox over I'm sorry, I can't really think right now.
We chose John Cox.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Travis Allen.
We chose John Cox over Travis Allen.
And this I found very shocking because Travis Allen is the most anti-established.
He's actually Trump supporter from day one.
He's more so libertarian.
And if John Cox, who did not vote for Trump or did not support Trump from day one, and yet all of these people are rooting for him, oh, well, we can't get, you know, Travis Allen, so let's just get John Cox.
No, I'm writing it, Travis Allen when I vote for governor.
Like, I don't care what happens.
I need to take down the establishment no matter what.
I cannot allow myself to walk into that voting booth and vote for Gavin Newsom, obviously, or John Cox.
I can't allow myself to do that.
Travis Allen is an OG.
We had him on the show.
He's the one who said, you can't trust Gavin Newsom with your best friend's wife.
How are you going to trust him with your state?
He also said, let's get the fruits and nuts out of the government and back onto farmers' fields where they belong.
Ashton, you mentioned Infowars earlier.
What happened with you there?
There seems to be a massive misunderstanding with that one interview you did.
Just to recap there, you were on InfoWars and you were talking about socialism.
You were sort of freelancing for them.
You were talking about socialism to some girl who's sipping a milkshake or something.
And she said socialism works.
It worked in Venezuela and you said they eat rats.
She actually did not bring up Venezuela.
I did.
But I look back at that conversation and me and, well, it's funny because actually me and her get along very well now.
We're not, I would say, best friends, but we get along.
We actually have a lot in common.
But I really wished I could go back and have a real conversation because I feel like video footage like that is too often done in journalism today, where we see often someone from the left or the right do this sort of gotcha journalism.
And it really takes us away from what truly is going to help society.
And I feel like the best way to help society is by having real conversations.
And I wish I could have gone back and had a real conversation.
You can't have conversations with these people.
That went viral because everyone thought what you said was insane.
They were laughing at you.
But they do eat rats in Venezuela.
Everything you said was true.
They do eat rats in Venezuela.
There's no doubt about that.
But my issue is that I could have approached it a lot better.
She could have said something more insightful.
I feel like we could have had a lot, a much better conversation.
But the problem is that we're so obsessed with, oh, we need to beat each other down and make this person look stupid.
It really doesn't do anything to benefit society.
Well, I think we differ on that.
I want to get petty.
I want to get hypocritical.
I want to have gotcha moments.
I want to frame them.
Like, there's this new movement now where everyone is exposing comedians for pedophile tweets.
I know they were kidding when they made those tweets, but they're getting us fired for things that we didn't mean.
You know, I don't know.
So I want them to get fired.
That is a different situation.
I won't say it's hypocritical to be against that because I think that is a different situation.
James Gunn's tweets, in order to make something a joke, you have to have something called humor.
And there is nothing edgy or cool or funny about those jokes.
For example, a few years ago, everybody was into this meme called Pedo Bear.
The thing is, Pedo Bear is so obviously creepy.
He has a negative connotation to him.
So you're like, oh, this is obviously a joke.
No one wants to be pedo bear.
Whereas Jam Gunn's tweets were so they were more like blatant statements just saying gross things about children.
Yeah, so I thought it seems to be that way.
I mean, they're all raunchy.
I think Twitter too back then.
Wait a minute.
Now it sounds like I'm defending them.
I'm not going to give them.
I know their argument and I'm not going to give it the time of day because I'm petty now and I want to fry the left.
Is there anything you want to clear up about InfoWars?
Because I feel like there's a lot of misunderstandings there.
Oh, absolutely.
InfoWars is the reason I am who I am.
I feel like everybody thinks I have this huge issue with Alex Jones and InfoWars, but Alex Jones, I've been watching him since I was 13 years old.
He is my hero.
I could never debate that.
I actually got turned down from a job offer because I would not make a video condemning InfoWars.
So the idea that I'm anti-InfoWars is absolutely insane just because I don't work for them.
I was actually just a guest reporter that week.
You had nothing but good times when you worked at InfoWars.
Oh, I didn't actually work for InfoWars.
I was just a guest reporter.
When you were a guest reporter, everything went smooth.
Yeah.
Are you willing to drop the name of the place that demanded you disavow InfoWars?
I'd rather not just because they are a rather big name and I'd rather not get in trouble for that.
Are they right-wing?
Yes.
Huh.
See, this is what we need on the right.
We need more unity and less backstabbing.
The left has got a copyright on petty backstabbing behavior.
We have to stab them.
But on our side, we need to be clear.
This is one thing I've always been jealous of the left for, is their incredible unity.
They have people who hate each other, but they're all together, like LGBT and Black Lives Matter.
They're getting a little cannibalistic now, but for the most part, in the past, they've been working together.
We just can't wait to turn on each other from neocons to paleocons to libertarians.
We're all just so, I don't know, mean.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
I think, you know, we turn on each other way too much.
not to mention that we kind of develop kind of this ego, I've noticed.
And I think this is the reason why the left does so well.
The left works together, they actually promote each other, they lift each other up, whereas people on the right are so obsessed with their egos, they care more about their ego than their message.
And that's what turns us against each other.
That's what hurts each other.
I think we really need to get out of this idea and this mindset.
You know, we really need to work together more.
We really need to push each other to the top because that's how Donald Trump won the presidency.
We all work together.
Brilliant, brilliant point.
Now, Ashton, I get the feeling when I talk to you offline that you're getting discouraged and you're getting frustrated by all this.
I want you to know that you are one of the most attractive women in the country.
You're also very intelligent and insightful, so you're set for life.
You could even go through a meth year where you disappeared and you lost all your hair.
You could quit meth.
Your hair would grow back, and you could have a girl.
Can you pull up that picture of her?
This is a picture from when you were on my other show, CR-TV Tonight, and you were having a Guinness at the bar.
Can you see that picture?
Yes, I can.
That woman has incredible style, grace.
Oh, yeah.
Every man in the world would kill for one date with that woman.
I'm not exaggerating either.
I can't think of obviously some gays, but even the gays would appreciate your style and they're like, I'll have a drink with her.
She looks amazing.
Thank you.
So don't lose faith.
Don't get disheartened.
We need you.
I know you're needing me.
The question is, what the hell is going on with you guys?
Good point.
All right, Ashton, thanks for coming on the show.
Let's have you back soon.
Thank you for having me.
Bye-bye.
Hey guys, I just got back from my parents' house in Ottawa, Canada.
Now, my parents are Scottish immigrants.
They're fi Scotland, by the way.
Fi Glaske.
My dad's Villigorbo, Zazque, a tough town, by the way.
And my mother, she's the daughter of a single mom who didn't spend a lot of time at home.
So they grew up pretty poor, but they're middle class now.
They came to Canada, busted their ass, did well, and I really admire them because they stayed married 50 years.
I believe that represents 5% of couples make it to 50 years.
It's pretty impressive, and they've been very good to me.
I had a bucolic childhood, so I'm not criticizing these two people.
But as you get older, you notice your parents' quirks and quarks more than one normally would.
And having, I don't usually go to their house.
They usually come to my house because it's on their way to Florida.
So I hadn't been home in a long time, and I was sort of seeing it with fresh eyes.
And I got to say, immigrants are nuts.
Scottish people are lunatics.
My parents are weird.
So let's just go through a few pictures of these weird, nutty lunatics.
First, what's this?
Oh, this was interesting, I thought.
So I'm going through their books, and I can't help but notice my books.
Now, she claims, my mom claims that she'll be reading a book.
I'll read a book at your house, and then I'm not going to just put it down, so I'll take it home.
So there, what do we got there?
We got John Stossel.
I stole these books back, by the way.
So I've been looking for this forever.
Pat Buchanan, state of emergency, gone.
It doesn't even appear to be cracked.
This looks like a straight-up theft.
Like there's no dog ears or bookmarks or anything.
So I believe this was just robbed.
Straight up robbed.
Then there's this.
This I've already read, but I like to reference it quite a bit.
John Stossel.
Mess lies and downright stupidity.
He writes the way he talks.
Get out the shovel, why everything you know is wrong.
Great book.
Couldn't find it for the longest time.
There it was.
Now here's the really disturbing part.
Is there another slide?
What's the next one?
Oh, yeah, that's a different topic.
Okay, go back.
Here's the most disturbing thing about the hot books, the stolen books I found on my parents' bookshelf in their office.
This.
Now, this is Barbara Ehrenreich's canon.
This is pretty much everything she's ever written.
She wrote Global Woman with Some Other Broad, which is a fascinating book.
I've talked about it a lot about how we import love from the third world and take it away from their kids.
That's one of my left-wing views.
Bait and Switch, not a very good book about she does, she's trying to recreate this.
This is Nickel and Dimed, where she tried to be working class and see if you can pay your bills, you know, with minimum wage, and it didn't work out.
She left out illegal immigration and crashing on your friend's couch, though.
So pretty big details.
Morgan Spurlock made similar mistakes when he did his 30 days trying to be poor, and he brought his wife to the hospital for a UTI, which emptied his bank account.
It was like $2,000.
But otherwise, he was doing quite well.
And then Bait and Switch trying to recreate Nickel and Diamond in the corporate world.
I like Barbara Ehrenreich a lot.
And don't you think it's weird that an author's entire canon, like her excuse was I was reading books, then I ended up just taking them home.
How does that explain three books by the same author?
I basically found some loot.
So by the way, these two books, Why Do People Hate America and The Wicked Wit of Winston Churchill, I don't think these are mine.
I stole them.
This is a number one Trump lesson.
When someone hurts you, you strike back twice as hard.
So if someone steals your books and you're taking them back, steal some of their books.
All right, what else do we got?
This is bizarre.
These are my dad's textbooks from college.
These must be from 1964.
Are you trying to flesh out your bookshelf?
Who keeps their old math textbooks?
Those things are made of leather, I believe.
The calculus one is like you rub it and it feels good.
It's got like a kind of a cloth exterior.
He also had his old slide rule from, I guess, before calculators.
That made me laugh.
There's what I just talked about.
There is Barbara Ehrenreich's the majority of her books all together in a Barbara Ehrenreich section stolen from my bookshelf.
This is bizarre.
This is a joke.
I don't know what the hell.
She told me it was a joke, but she forgot what it was.
They have these framed paintings that must be like 600 years old that were the original cartoon jokes, but they forgot what the jokes were.
This is my grandfather.
Jack Thompson was a very talented painter who never sold anything.
He never really sold his paintings.
And some of them are particularly macabre.
Like this appears to be a nuclear power plant.
I guess that's steam coming off the top.
I don't know where you'd find that.
And what's interesting about his work, by the way, is he was so cheap, as all Scottish people are, he wouldn't have access to oils and gouache and brushes.
So his works were done with garbage, like liquid paper and crayons and oil pastels and a few paints he found in the garbage and a toothbrush.
It made for a unique style.
There's another book, Stolen.
I stole it back, though, folks.
These pictures are from Ottawa, Canada.
We're filming this in New York City.
You are seeing the spoils of revenge.
Go ahead.
This is just a doll I have a faint memory of.
Go ahead.
Another wonderful painting by Jack Thompson.
He did a blurry version of this.
I don't know why I'm showing you these.
Oh, this I thought was interesting because it's so unbelievably Scottish.
There's a corny postcard there, but just a piece of a bagpipe.
Could you get more Scottish than that?
Just stray bagpipe bric-a-brac lying on random bookshelves.
Lots of tartan chairs, of course, refurbished.
Oh, this was classic.
You probably have this at your house.
I bet this isn't unique to Scotts.
A beautiful frame of two people on the beach.
This is the picture the frame comes with.
It has the logo of the frame company in the corner there.
They didn't get around to putting a picture in it.
So now it's just a beautiful picture of two professional models posing by the beach to advertise a frame.
This I thought was classic mom and dad.
Again, I wouldn't be surprised if this is you guys too.
They take advantage of these like cheap printer offers and end up with two printers, neither of which work because the ink is too expensive.
They just keep buying new printers rather than buy ink.
It probably makes sense financially too.
That's the thing about Scots.
They are the cheapest people in the world.
The Jewish stereotype is very unfair.
The Scottish one is perfectly accurate.
Everything they do has a big box of coupons and about a meter of logic behind why it's a good purchase.
This is my, there's my dad right there.
Can you see him?
Where is he?
That's my dad.
Dressed in, look at what he's wearing.
I kept saying all, this is his 50th anniversary party.
What color is this?
Pistachio?
With an American shirt, which is audacious, by the way, to wear in Canada.
And then we have Pat.
I was giving out labels for everyone, and they kept falling off the clothes.
So Pat just stuck hers on her head.
Yes, it's possible for old people to be funny.
By the way, speaking of Pat and funny, this is Scottish beer.
It's called Budweiser.
You know what Scottish beer is?
Cheap.
All right, here is the Scottish stuff in a nutshell.
A reading nook, tartan blanketed on it, of course, but check it out.
Two calculators.
This is what Scottish people do.
They sit on a chair and pontificate, look, if I was to sell this house now and get a second mortgage on another property, and then my son was to sell me his apartment and my other son sold me his house and then they bought them back from my place, we could save, and it'll involve like all of us moving our family seven times and then it'll come up with $3,000.
Meanwhile, moving everyone three times is like $4,000.
So I don't want to do that, dad.
And then he gets mad.
One time he had his calculators out and he goes, I'm trying to help you save money, but your IQ is too low to understand.
Okay, call it a low IQ.
I'm not interested in your Kakamimi tax schemes.
So this must be where he comes up with them.
This is just a carpet I remember from being a little kid in Britain.
I'm 47.
I'm actually 48 now.
So this carpet is over half a century old at the very least.
It's probably 100 years old.
Oh, by the way, that's the funny thing about cheap people.
They will have, Scots will be opening a bottle of wine with a $400 bottle opener.
And you go, well, that's an expensive bottle opener, Gavin.
Yes, technically, yes.
It's also an heirloom.
So rather than go out and buy a new corkscrew, they'll just go into the heirloom cabinet and take out something that's five generations old and just start using heirlooms because it's cheaper than going out and buying something.
So in a sense, they end up sort of becoming aristocrats.
And then there's those, you probably have these.
Do you have these kind of things?
These old, fancy, old-timey pictures in your house that have no bearing on your family.
You're not related to these people.
It's just like a classical picture that's been in your house your whole life.
It gives you funny memories because you remember seeing that before you could even have memories.
But why the hell do we have a beautiful pencil sketch of some Victorian dad teaching his daughter the Glockenspiel?
That's got nothing to do with our universe.
Why is that a picture?
That picture's been in every house I've ever had my entire life.
Oh, I thought this was funny.
I don't think my mom does any ironing.
My dad, you saw how my dad dresses.
He's got his pistachio shorts and his USA golf shirt.
You have to iron any of that.
But in a little ironing nook that seems to have a large pillow or rolled-up duvet there, just while you pass the time away, you can see, I don't know, a Scottish colony in New Zealand, some early merchant flyer to try to encourage people to go what I assume is a three-year journey from Scotland to New Zealand.
And then just the history of Scotland, by the way, look at that.
You got Rabbi Buns and the bloody Romans and some kings and all that and thistle and castles and the bloody English set in their anthem, which is not official yet, but they have a line in there about, we sent them homeward to think again.
It's like kill the boars, but it's kill the English.
The Scots feel the same way about England that the South African government feels about the whites, the boars.
I thought this was interesting.
How old is this iPhone?
I go, Dad, what is this?
A 1998 iPhone?
My hand is not gigantic.
My hand is normal-sized.
So you're looking at an iPhone.
He goes, I don't know, I got it for 50 bucks.
I'm like, Dad, that should be in a museum.
Even the charger, I haven't seen one of those chargers in a century.
Look how tiny that thing is.
I honestly, I'm not exaggerating, think that is a pre-2000 iPhone.
This might be our last slide, is it?
I think so.
Oh, no, no, it's not.
This is a wonderful thing about Canada, and I think it might be Scottish-related because Canadian culture is Scottish culture, no matter what the multiculturalists try to tell you.
They built Canada, and they love potatoes, they love chips.
So they have a vast array of flavors for chips, as do the Brits, as do the Scots.
And Canada is one of the only places you can indulge in ketchup-flavored crisps.
Absolutely delicious.
They're not subtle about the ketchup flavor, too.
Like your nose burns.
It's like wasabi levels of ketchup.
I thought this was interesting.
My mom's wallet is free.
She got it from Bud Light.
Like other women collect Louis Vuitton clutches and stuff.
Like Chinese, rich old Chinese ladies, my mom's age, they'll have their Louis Vuitton they're going to give to their daughter and their Prada and their, what's his name there?
That Birchen, Birkin bag.
Yeah, that Birkin bag.
Not my mom.
She has a free Bud Light wallet that probably came with three cases as a bonus.
Wow, no one's ever bought that much Bud Light before.
All right, so there's my dad.
And I'm sitting there talking to him in this weird old puffy chair.
Are you able to zoom in, Dave?
I don't care if it kills the resolution.
As I'm talking to this man, I'm thinking, why is there a stuffed lion behind your head?
My kids are never there.
My kids haven't been there in, I'm going to say six or seven years.
They don't have any other grandchildren.
There's no, they don't have any, they're 70 something, so they don't have friends with kids.
Why is there a stuffed lion in our home at all?
Why is it on the premises?
A, B, of all the places it could be, like maybe in a box to pull out that one time every two years a kid comes by, instead of it being hidden somewhere, it's just on the main chair in the sitting room.
And there it is, as he's trying to be serious about some cockamami tax scheme, I'm looking at a stuffed lion behind his head.
And I'm thinking, why the hell have you got an old stuffed lion behind your head, old man?
What is that doing there?
Is that a thing?
Do your parents, do other parents just have stuffed animals located in various spots?
This, I thought, was classic Scottish people.
We've got Bracey Eostroff with something about six hundred.
How about a log?
We'll just stick a log on the roof.
Oh, this is a great painting my grandfather did of, you know, Scotland Forever, it says, and it's got a bum lying there, almost in a seizure position, just passed out and drunk.
And one of my mom's idiotic friends said, oh, that's nice.
Is that your grandfather?
No, wait, I did a Scottish accent, she said, in a Canadian accent.
Oh, that's nice, eh?
So who's that now?
Is that your grandfather doing a self-portrait?
What?
You're saying my grandfather got wasted, passed out on a bench, had someone take a picture.
Like, I'm going to get blind, drunk, and pass out.
Come by in about six hours and then take a picture of me passed out.
Then send me the picture and then I'll paint that picture.
No, this is not a self-portrait of a drunken homeless man passed out.
This drunken homeless man is a different person than my grandfather.
World's stupidest question.
And of course, the talent stays in the family.
And this is a beautiful portrait I did of the family that says Merry Christmas.
It was a Christmas gift to them.
And it just, it perfectly captures, that was probably as in 1990.
Is that it?
Kind of anticlimactic to end with that one.
Is that all we got?
Oh yeah, this is funny.
So they have a big, beautiful glass sort of sliding door at their master bedroom that opens to that place I just showed you with the log.
But of course, windows get dirty and they get, you'll notice cords everywhere at your parents' house.
They're not, they'd have no problem seeing cords hanging like spaghetti on every wall.
But they have like a professional squeegee system.
Instead of that being in the cleaning section, it's right next to the window.
So anytime you see a problem, I don't know where they get it wet.
You need a bucket.
So that might as well be with the bucket.
But they have a squeegee section next to the window.
So I guess you can just squeegee every time you see some dirt on the window.
Immigrants don't put stuff away is what I'm learning from this trip.
Oh, this is pathetic.
And I made fun of them so much for this.
I actually pulled it out during the party and pretended to be a Serbian.
And I said, I am so happy to be here in Canada that I put pictures of a trip to England on this.
That's not even foam core.
That's a giant envelope.
So I don't know, my grandfather maybe shipped my mom something that couldn't bend.
Of course, why waste?
Don't waste that.
That's valuable, that envelope.
So she saved it as some sort of poster board and then taped this onto the giant envelope that says the things we did on our trip to England and then has all these different pictures of the stupid stuff they did, like had dinner with Irene and Doug.
Okay, that's nice.
And then that's sitting in the dining room.
So with the heirlooms, she probably pours coffee out of this $600 pot because it's cheaper than getting a coffee pot.
But this is just sitting in the dining room.
So you can look at someone's presentation, some high school level presentation of a trip to England in 2006.
Is that it?
Anyway, the moral of the story is that we keep letting these people in and trying to ignore the fact that they're all insane.
If there's one thing that my parents have taught me about immigration, it's we need to build a wall.
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