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July 24, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
47:19
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #69 | 35 years ago today George Brett had the greatest temper tantrum in the history of baseball

I begin the show celebrating the 35th anniversary of my favorite temper tantrum: the time George Brett attacked a ref for calling off a victory due to some stupid rule about the bat. Then we examine the time Brett got food poisoning and poo’d his pants. This strangely segues into guns and what it would be like to be a ghost.

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35 years ago today, George Brett had the greatest temper tantrum in the history of baseball.
He was accused of having too much pine tar on his bat.
Pine tar helps your hands stick to the bat.
And it can only go as high up as the width of a home plate.
And his team won.
What was his team?
The Kansas City Royals.
And who were they playing?
The Yanks.
And they finally beat the Yankees.
That felt really good.
They were good back then, right?
Shut up.
Um, and uh, they won the game, that felt great, and George Brett did this thing, I've done it before too, where he said, if they say that there's too much pine tar on my bat, and they call off this win, I am going to lose it!
And you can see the Yumps going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Then they put the bat down on home plate, and then he just goes, that's it!
And he goes tearing out of the dugout, roaring towards them, doing one of the weirdest runs I've ever seen.
It's not a run where you put your fists up like you're boxing.
It's like he's pushing the air out of the way.
It's like he was swimming at a million miles an hour.
And then he got up, and he didn't punch him in the face.
he just screamed in his face.
I guess even when you're losing it, you know that if I punch this guy, it's a big deal and my career's over.
And if I just scream and chest puff, I could maybe have to pay a fine and I'll lose a few games.
But it made me love George Brett.
And by the way, I'm two years into baseball.
So I've seen this on YouTube.
I wasn't there.
Dave's dad was at the game though.
You saw him. - I mean, I was not born for another nine years, but yeah.
Right.
Well, I guess I meant your dad when I said you.
George Bright is also the guy.
I've talked about this quite a bit.
With one of the greatest hot mics ever.
He's, uh, I can do the whole thing.
He's sitting there, uh, stretching and they were doing a documentary on behind the sports or something in the 70s or 80s.
And, um, so he no longer knows he's mic'd.
He's probably said, no, these guys are a good team, whatever.
We're just out here doing our best, you know, childhood dream come true.
And then they're stretching and he farts and he goes, farted.
That was a fart.
It's hard to know what to say after you fart.
Can you turn these lights off by the way?
It's hard to know what to say after you fart because it feels dumb not to acknowledge it, right?
Feels weird just to say, just to just stare at the person.
Like my buddy Mark, he used to always say, TROUSER COFF!
Or I like to make it a thing, like I'll go, I have a stuffed bear in my office, and people, when they come by to see it, there'll be kids there or something, and if I'm lucky I have a fart ready to rock, and I'll just go, oh yeah, this is, well, I got an extra feature here, there's an air pocket around the back, so if you squeeze, like, his hips, then, and then I'll let out a big fart.
Kids never laugh when I do that, by the way, because they believe it.
Because I play it so straight.
And then they start trying to make the bear fart.
I dupe them.
But every time you have a major fart, I highly recommend discussing something with an air pocket.
And saying, if you just push here, you apply some pressure, then it'll pop off.
And then you pop off.
But anyway, he farted.
And then he goes over to this other guy stretching, and he goes, Shit my pants last night.
And the part that drives me nuts about this video, which it's easy to find on YouTube, but not with good quality, is that the guys he's talking to don't really care.
Like, they look like they don't want to hear it.
Now, this guy was already a major legend, one of the greatest players in the history of baseball, and this is back in the Rockstar days with Lenny Dykstra doing coke off of strippers' tits and stuff, so Real men in the MLB, not scared of getting fired.
They'll beat up anyone who tries to fire them.
This is not take-a-knee sports.
This is take-a-two-girls-home sports.
And, uh, they just look like they want it to get over with.
Which I'll never comprehend.
I mean, my life, my only goal in life is to be with people that are interesting.
I don't care if you're retarded.
A lot of my friends are dumb.
Uh, just interesting.
Just have something to say.
And there's nothing worse than being boring.
I hate it so much.
I want to just slit my wrists.
I'll jump out of a moving car if everyone in the car is boring.
Or I'll start yelling.
At them.
Um... So... They don't seem to care that they're talking to the most interesting guy alive.
And then he gets into it.
He goes, I'm good for those about once a year.
What about you?
Now if someone asked me that, I'd say, interesting question, how often do I poo my pants?
Well, huh, not that much, but you know, it happens.
I shit the bed once, like I was nude and I was sick.
I had food poisoning and then I let something out that I thought was a fart in it.
It wasn't much, it was just like a drop of like bile.
But of course you gotta change the sheets, it's not like you can just sort of wipe that away and have a little spot on the bed.
So I would tell George Brett that if he asked me, but they just sort of go, no, not really.
What the hell?
What's your problem, dude?
So, um, he proceeds to talk about how he went to the Bellagio.
And with some friends.
God, that would be worth the food poisoning just to hang out with George Brett at the Bellagio.
The owner brings these crab cakes over.
Sure, I'll eat them.
And he said he ate them and as he was eating them, he knew something was wrong.
And I did a whole podcast on food poisoning.
You know, as it touches your lips, if we were more in touch with our bodies and more honest with ourselves, We would be able to prevent food poisoning the second it touches our mouth.
But there's this thing in us, it's kind of a form of cheapness too, where you sort of just turn it off.
And you go, ah, these are fine.
And your body's going, dude, I got a bad feeling about this.
And you go, no, no, no, we're good, we're good.
I'm with my friends here.
That's the owners.
Crab cakes.
So he eats them and he goes, I got an early tea.
He feels fine.
7 a.m.
Again, playing golf with George Brett must be awesome.
I've only really hung out with one pro ball player, and we have that at CRTV.com if you tune in to CRTV Tonight.
I think I do three shows there now.
Get Off My Lawn, CRTV Tonight, and then After Hours, where we sit at the bar and talk for like 30 minutes about one thing.
We talked to I talked to Kurt Schilling Who it's just like a different breed of man Just like a real man like go ahead go shh.
No, I was gonna say go shove his wife.
Please don't do that But like knock a battery off his shoulder or flick a cigarette out of his mouth See how well that goes for you I worry that that type of man is gone.
Anyway, so George Brett is at the casino, and he's leaving.
He's walking down the strip in Vegas, heading back to his hotel, which I'm sure was very nice.
And he goes, I'm not feeling too good.
And then it hits me.
I'm about to explode.
So I just pinch my ass.
And he's making a fist at this point.
I just cinched up my anus.
I just pinched my ass cheeks tight.
And I stood there as the traffic light went green and I thought, I can't walk.
So I let the light change.
I'm sitting there still cinched up, cinched up.
People are passing me, crossing the street.
I can't move.
I can't afford it.
And then after maybe three lights, I go, okay, maybe my body's figured this out.
I'm going to take a step.
I took a step.
And you have to see the video because he just motions down the back of his leg and he just goes, water.
Just fucking water.
Which is really fascinating when you think of the body, isn't it?
Isn't it an incredible invention God made?
Like if you get a cold or something, it turns itself into a microwave and starts cooking you.
That's what a fever is.
It's heating you up.
My son got strep the other day, and I could tell he was hot, and his tonsils were all swollen.
And I could feel the heat on his forehead, and I thought, there's his body, recognizing the strep, and trying to burn it.
Trying to fry it.
Which, of course, he created us with these huge brains, so we go, actually, God, I'm not gonna do the burning thing that you set up.
I have a better plan.
I invented antibiotics.
I'm just gonna give them to him.
He'll be good in 24 hours.
And he was.
But yeah, your body must go, uh-oh, there's bad crab cakes here, and it just, like, flushes you out.
Flushes water out.
Ryan, am I looking at clips that are, like, three- Ryan!
Am I seeing, like, a clip that's just, like, three frames?
Did you cut to camera two for, like, two seconds there?
Oh, okay.
Okay.
We've got Ryan Katsu Rivera at the helm here in the studio.
Dave Kast came in to show him the ropes.
It seems like they are both retarded, so... I'm still... And I get criticized all the time, and I don't see you working with the handicapped.
I don't... No, no, I'm not talking to you.
See?
He's so retarded that he goes, that's true, I don't work with the retarded.
Yeah you do, dude.
You masturbate the retarded, you wash the retarded's body in the shower, you brush his teeth, you comb his hair, you stare at his face in the mirror.
That's his retort, by the way.
I don't comb my hair.
That's a lie!
I don't want that to go on record.
I've never combed my hair.
You should never comb your hair.
Actually, I comb my hair every day.
But if it's not part of your hairdo.
You know my big thing?
Don't shampoo your hair, ever.
I don't think you should be wearing a hat, Dave.
But also, don't shampoo your hair.
Do you shampoo your hair?
Well then, stop!
Because it's like I'm asking you to quit raspberries and you lick one a month.
It's not a big loss.
Let it go.
Can't quit smoking.
Can't quit my puff a month.
No way, Jose.
Anyway, so his body comes up with this plan and just flushes out water.
Doesn't work, by the way, the crab cakes are still in there.
Actually, it does work because he doesn't talk about being sick.
Huh.
And I bet, because he's in athlete shape, that he doesn't get the same kind of food poisoning we do.
Like my food poisoning, I was just like pooing out of my mouth for 12 hours.
In hell.
But his body just like flushes the toilet and you're good.
That must be awesome to be in really great shape like that, like boxers.
You know when they wake up and they go, oh Jesus, I'll have 32 pancakes, a chocolate cake.
This is after they get to their perfect weight.
Before that, Jesus, you should see my boxing gym.
So much talk about weight all the time.
They sound like...
Girls.
Little girls.
I need to get down to 120.
But little girls barf.
Men wear a garbage bag in the ring and hit a heavy bag for 18 rounds.
They really do, they wear garbage bags on their body in- this is July.
So you're next to a guy, I'm panting, lamenting that I have to have a shirt on, and they're sitting there with sweat- two pairs of sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and a garbage bag with- it's like a garbage- it's not a real garbage bag, it's like a thick rubber thing you buy that's like plastic, and it has a hood on it.
That's a torture.
That's what I would consider a torture.
I would want that if, you know, someone got caught shoplifting to save money on jails.
We just make them do exercises dressed as an Arctic Explorer in July.
So, he goes, I got jeans on, buckskin boots, no socks.
Imagine how much of a man you'd have to be to wear cowboy boots with no socks.
You'd have to be in World War II.
You'd have to be a professional murderer.
By the way, what is with black people wearing socks in the pool?
It's not a class thing.
Wealthy black people cover their feet in the pool.
What is that?
Sherrod Small was on vacation with Ann Coulter and I was looking at some of her pictures and I saw him in the pool and he had aqua shoes on.
In a pool like a hotel pool.
I'm mad at him.
What the fuck?
You need better grip?
You going mountain climbing in the pool?
And then there was that story in the news where someone called the cops on a black family in the pool and she did it because he had his socks on in the pool.
Now, I'm against calling cops.
Obviously, she's an idiot.
But as a side note, what were you doing with your socks?
He was just sitting with his feet in the pool and his socks on.
Are you shy about your tootsies?
God, I wish more men were shy about their tootsies.
New York in the summer is all just hairy toes.
Toesity, toes, toes, toes.
Toes from coast to coast.
From Manhattan straight up.
People wearing flip flops to the office with their big hairy hobbit toes.
It boggles the mind.
You know what else is really pissing me off these days?
These fucking shower shoes.
Little kids wearing them.
What are we, aristocrats?
What are we, Lady Gaga going to get coffee at the studio in between takes?
What are we, prisoners taking a shower?
I hate these fucking things.
And they're so flimsy.
And kids are now... They're wearing them in the pool, too, by the way.
When I went to Atlantis on vacation, there's all these kids swimming in them.
And they're also wearing them to play sports.
Like, kids are playing basketball with shower shoes on.
Those little things you slip your feet into?
That's even stupider than flip-flops.
Ever heard of shoes?
I will give some men a flip-flop pass if they're in Australia or Arizona, and it is over 100 degrees.
But that's such an extreme that it has to be utilitarian.
It's almost like an Olympic thing.
Like in Canada when it's, I guess the Fahrenheit would be zero degrees, and you have to wear all this Gore-Tex and this gear and the special snowboarding gloves and your big boots, your mucklucks.
That's clearly not fashionable.
You're just trying to survive.
So I feel like that's off the books, and similarly, let's say 90 degrees and up is off the books.
You can wear shorts, shorts, I don't care.
You can wear cargo shorts, none of my beeswax.
But it is my business.
Fahrenheit from 30 degrees Fahrenheit to 85 degrees.
No toes.
No hats, by the way.
God, these millennials wearing- I saw a lifeguard the other day wearing a wool hat.
Like, he's sitting there on the beach, and it was 85 degrees, and he has this stupid- it looked cute.
It would look cute in a fashion magazine.
Little red wool hat.
Why are millennials' heads so cold?
Have you ever tried it?
I'll wear a hat outside if it's the coldest day of the year.
And you're warm as toast the second you pop that on your head.
Because it makes your hair into like an insulation thing.
But have you ever tried wearing one in July?
You are cooking in seconds and your head's all itchy.
It boggles the mind.
And then they have these shower shoes on.
So your head is cold but your feet are hot?
I want to snap you in two so your head can meet your feet and the temperature can work itself out.
Your hot head can warm up your chilly toes.
Your popsicle toes!
My daughter and I were going to see a movie and I went into the bathroom and they were playing the same music in the girls' bathroom as the boys' bathroom and I said, did you hear that song that I heard?
Yeah, what was that?
It was called Popsicle Toes.
And we looked it up afterwards, and it is the gayest song.
It beats Proud of Your Boy.
It's called Popsicle Toes, and it's clearly a guy with his second wife or his girlfriend after he's divorced his wife, and he's madly in love with the new wife.
Of course, they're gonna get divorced, too, eventually, but it's in the... Sounds like the honeymoon phase, and he probably calls her toes Popsicle Toes because her feet are cold in bed, but it's so irritating.
Ew, it's like Pink Panther jazz?
It's him and his wife singing.
Or, sorry, his second wife.
I'm guessing, by the way, about the wife.
Let's jump into the middle.
- I know today's your birthday. - Ew. - By the way, Michael Franks, they play your music in bathrooms at movie theaters.
That's what you are.
It's making my shoulders hurt.
Ugh. - I heard this in a cab.
A New York City cab. - It's like the num, it's number one in the Muzak charts.
It's in cabs, it's in restrooms.
God, it's making my skin want to get off of my body.
It's so great to expose all those popsicle toes.
Ah!
Jazz!
Smooth jazz!
What's worse?
I don't even like music anymore.
I don't listen to music.
If I'm in the car, I'll just do raw dog comedy, Howard Stern, sometimes Patriot Radio, but I'm done with music, and I used to be completely consumed.
That's all I cared about.
I'd save up money working at the gas station, then we'd take the bus into Shake Records downtown.
It took about 45 minutes to get there, and the records were unbelievably expensive.
This is 1984, and everything was $15.99.
I still have these records, and I'm looking at the price that's written in grease pencil, and I'm thinking, they're about $12 now.
They've gone down in price.
$15.99 in 1985.
Minimum wage was $3.
So it took you a long time to earn a record.
Why are you laughing so much?
Popsicle toes still?
This guy, I heard him, and he had a pretty good lyric.
He said, I hear from my ex on the back of my checks.
What are you talking about?
Michael Franks wrote a song, and he said, I hear from my ex on the back of my checks.
Oh.
I knew he was divorced!
I can just tell.
The guy's got such a divorced vibe.
Let's look him up.
Michael Franks.
How many times are you divorced, dude?
Like, those guys... Michael Franks, musician.
American jazz singer.
Biography.
They don't have his personal life.
But I bet it's here.
Best known works, whatever.
Anyway, yeah, I find when I'm going through, like, so you'd collect records and you'd buy them, we wanted punk records, so we'd just go by the cover, but sometimes you'd end up with weird industrial bands that just look punk on the cover, like Alien Sex Fiend, Scraping Fetus Off the Wheel, Meat Beat Manifesto, and I don't like industrial, so you'd go, well, now I have to wait two more, I have to wait a whole other week, so that's two weeks without a good record.
Because I bought Meat Beat Manifesto or Throbbing Gristle or Revolting Cox.
They all sound punk and they all suck.
But those are the days when you'd have the record and you'd have it for a week.
So you'd put it on and the Dead Kennedys were great for this.
They'd have the inserts where you could read the whole book.
Krass would come.
The record was wrapped in a poster that you'd unfold and all these cool art and all the lyrics and everything.
It was fun.
And I just, I remember seeing some dude from Aerosmith say he quit drinking because he believes that he just had enough drinks.
Like he goes, I think there's X amount of drinks in everyone.
It's like a thousand bottles or something.
And I've had my thousand bottles.
I'm done with drinking.
It's not like I, I quit because, uh, uh, I was scared or anything.
I just ran out and I kind of feel like I've had X amount of hours.
Like when the radio comes on, I can sing most of the songs.
Prince and Jimi Hendrix or whatever.
I've heard all those songs one billion times.
And when I'm at home going through my record collection, my wife and I do that when we get drunk.
We lie on our backs by the record player and listen to songs.
And sometimes they sound good then, but that's if I'm baked.
It takes a few tokes and a six-pack to, or quite a few bourbons actually, to make music good.
That's not a good sign.
That doesn't mean something's good.
But I've noticed when I'm looking at the records, I can pull out the record, The Dead Milkmen or something, Big Lizard in My Backyard, and I can just hear every song.
Mom don't really like you.
She thinks she's mean and crude.
She's trying to make me a good little boy, keeping downers in my food.
It's a fucked up world.
See?
The whole album I could just do.
I'm not bragging, by the way.
This isn't a talent.
It's sort of like pool.
I don't think you're cool if you're good at pool.
It just means you played a lot of fucking pool.
So if I heard a song so many times, I know it too well to enjoy it.
That's not bragging.
But then, yeah, you just sort of go, I'm good with music.
You know, at Vice, I had to know what the hot bands were before anyone else did, and then tell them all about them.
So that may have ruined it, because it was just like going through dozens of CDs every week, trying to find, talking to, you know, college DJs.
What band is everyone talking about and trying to know about this band?
And also, when we had a record label, you wanted to get them before they got too big to sign.
So you're constantly trying to find a band Just the second they begin.
Like the third show, the third good show, you want to grab them.
Because the fifth good show, someone else is going to get them.
Matador Records is going to get them.
Offer them a million bucks.
So that may have cheapened it.
But I also think that you tend to, if you really like your job, you tend to want to do things that will improve your job.
And so I like to listen to Anthony Cumia and Howard Stern and people who are good at this.
Good at talking about stuff.
And, uh, I hope it improves my show and my job.
Music doesn't do anything for me.
Doesn't help.
So, Tucker Carlson, too, I always watch.
I think I've kind of stopped reading, too, because I don't write anymore.
And when I was writing, I would read someone like Christopher Hitchens or Pat Buchanan or Mark Stein, and I'd learn all these big words that I'd write down.
I'd go, ooh, I should use pulchritudinous in a sentence.
Now, big words just confuse the viewer.
I'm not writing anymore.
Why bother?
Maybe writing was a complete waste of time.
I must have written, I've definitely written more than Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac ever did.
Like I wrote all of Vice for 15 years and then a 2,000 word article in Tacky every single week for 10 years.
So that's like, even the Tacky magazine column alone was probably the equivalent of 10 books.
And maybe I'm not good at it.
Like these books, my books don't really sell very well.
They're not flying off the shelves.
And I couldn't get hired at Breitbart or anywhere more famous.
You know who recommended I work at Breitbart?
Andrew Breitbart.
Sorry, not good enough recommendation.
Plus, he died recently, so, uh, we don't know if you're lying.
Well, I have the spooky email.
It's weird having emails from dead people.
Where you go through your contacts and you're like, uh, that person is dead.
What happens if I call that number?
Hello.
Dude, it's fucking freaky in here.
I can fly.
What's the first thing you did?
I went to the White House.
And I just hung out with Trump.
And then I watched Jay-Z fuck Beyonce on their boat.
What?
Why?
What was it like?
Just looked like a regular black porn.
Wasn't particularly raunchy or anything.
Well, of course not.
They've had a bunch of kids together.
You're watching an old married couple have sex?
I don't know.
I thought it would be a trip.
No one in the world has seen that.
Okay.
No one in the world has seen a tiger shit out a turtle.
Doesn't mean it's something cool.
Yeah, that would actually be really cool to see.
Yeah, I guess so.
Okay, go hunt some tigers.
Oh, that would be cool.
Why don't you go hang out with tigers?
Why?
Well, because humans can't.
Yeah, no.
I don't want to do that.
Okay.
Can you fly to Africa?
How fast can you fly?
Because if you just float like 30 miles an hour, you're just going to haunt the suburb that you died in, and that's pretty much it.
You're not going to take the 30-mile trek to Manhattan.
DC is four hours away.
The White House is a four-hour drive.
Unless the ghost can go a good 200 miles an hour, I wouldn't bother just floating down the freeway.
You have to take a break.
I want to go to Europe.
I'll be there in five years.
But it doesn't matter, because I'm going to be dead for infinity, so that's really just like a second.
And it'll be cool just seeing the ocean for years and years and years as I slowly float.
I might see a shark eat something or something cool, but probably not.
How do you not get lost, too?
You go, this took eight years, and everyone's speaking Spanish.
Dude, you're in Brazil.
You veered crazy right, and you ended up in South America.
Oh, shit.
There's nothing interesting here.
Yeah, Brazil, everyone can see everything.
I guess you'll get mugged if you go to the wrong part of town, but... You know Jesse from DFA?
Mastercraft?
He was a friend of mine.
He got dumped.
He dumped me when he got caught knowing me.
And he was like, sorry dude, I'll lose gigs, bye, you're dumped.
I'm gonna have to make up a big thing about how I disavow violence.
So I hate Gavin now.
But he's an Indian dude.
People don't realize that about him.
And Indians hate Muslims because Pakistan has been murdering them to the tune of hundreds of thousands of people.
So he has justified animosity towards Islam.
And that's what we bonded on for a long time.
But not if it hurts his career.
But anyway, he told me a story about with Mastercraft.
They were going to get a gig in Columbia.
And where kidnapping is rampant, especially if you're a musician and you're famous, like the perfect candidate.
So him and the other guy go, um, tell you what, we'll do it.
If we, you meet us at the airport, we each get our own handgun and we have armed patrols obviously with us, but we also get a AR-15.
So one AR-15 between us.
And then we both get handguns and they go, Ooh, that's going to be kind of tricky, dude.
Hold on.
Let's call you.
We'll call you back.
The next day they go, OK, we can do it.
We will get your handgun.
You have a SP-3 Luger.
It will be available at the airport and my friend will give you his AR-15 for the time you are here.
And they go, yeah, we're not going.
What?
I get you everything you ask!
Um, if it's possible for someone to get a handgun at the airport and borrow an AR-15, I'm not going to that place.
That place is way too dangerous.
So you failed the test.
If they were to say yes, and they were to have handguns, they would likely I hope I'm getting that URL right.
I unfortunately don't shop there because I live in New York, where the government has decided no guns for us New Yorkers.
Now, we can have them in the burbs, but we may not have them in Manhattan.
And guess where the murders are?
They're in Manhattan.
They are in East New York.
They're in Brooklyn.
There are gangs there.
They are the children of single mothers.
They are MS... No, not MS-13, although there is some MS-13, but I think they're in Long Island dealing heroin to construction workers who just got off their oxy after their sore back.
Hold on a second.
Ryan, are you... Trying to blur out... Blur out swear words?
Yeah.
Yeesh.
That's kind of a pain in the ass.
I don't think you should have to do that.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Because it is the news.
Like, I think you should be able to say shit or nigger or fuck if the news is someone said that.
And they got in trouble for saying that.
Because if you say, this person was fired for saying the n-word, you go, what, they just said the n-word?
Well, no, the other word... What did he say?
Okay, alright.
I just want to get moving because we're running late here.
He would have gotten to wethepeopleholsters.com and he would have procured a custom holder that you can adjust the cant in the right.
I've mentioned this in the past many times.
By the way, you can still get a gun in New York.
I have many guns.
You just get them registered in the suburbs, and if you're gonna go through Manhattan with them, you have them separated.
So you could have your handgun in your glove box, locked, and then you could have the ammunition in your trunk.
Now, obviously that's not ideal.
If you get carjacked, you're like, give me one second, hold on a second here, let's get this out, and then I'm just gonna go to the trunk and load up the clip.
But, um, that's still not that bad.
And there's shooting ranges all over Long Island and Westchester.
So it's not the gun desert I make it out to be, but Manhattan proper and the surrounding boroughs, real damn strict.
So what most dads do that I know, like in Hell's Kitchen and stuff, they just have guns.
So they're just risking a five-year prison sentence to keep their family safe, especially in black neighborhoods where there's a murder a day.
So some black dad Like Maj Touré, who does, uh, Black Guns Matter.
Some black dad wants to stand by his kids and make sure they're safe in a criminal neighborhood where gangs like Trinitarios murder a 14 year old because they think he was in a video where a Trinitarios chick was being murdered, but they got the wrong kid.
Or Dominicans Don't Play, DDP.
Or Bloods and Crips we have in New York!
Much more- many more Bloods than Crips.
But, um, Someone wants to protect themselves against those dangerous gangs, those dangerous products of welfare culture, and they're not allowed.
No, you may not.
It's too dangerous.
It's too dangerous for you to protect yourself.
But We The People Holsters is where people who live in sane communities shop, and they buy these customized, custom-fit holsters.
They've sent me some quips you can use with your We The People holsters.
Like, um...
Is that your gun, or are you just happy to see me?
American-made, lifetime guarantee, molded just for you.
Hey, do you have protection?
Of course I do.
You pull out the holster.
By the way, this We The People holsters does not advocate what I'm about to say, but I think condoms are stupid.
If you have venereal warts, she has them on her labia, and if you wear a condom, they're still gonna get on the base of your dink.
So, that's not a cure.
Well, what about gonorrhea and chlamydia, Gav?
They're not really a big deal.
Like, they're uncomfortable.
Gonorrhea, you get that pus.
With chlamydia, the only symptom is sore ears from girls screaming at you on the phone because you gave them chlamydia.
You don't have any symptoms.
And all you gotta do is go to the doctor and say, hey, I got chlamydia.
Can I have some antibiotics?
Boom, gone.
Here's a trick.
You say, I was with a virgin, and she got chlamydia from me, so I must have it.
That, you make this invisible virgin the proof, and then they don't do the swab where they go down your urethra with a big fat wood Q-tip, which is real painful.
Anyway, back to the We The People holsters.
We appreciate that you pull out in less than three seconds.
WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
And if you use the passcode GAVIN, I'm not doing those jokes justice, am I?
If you use the passcode GAVIN, you get a $10 discount.
So it's no longer $34, it's $24.
And these are hard-shelled, customized holsters that you can re-holster in a matter of seconds.
And I'm going to get that one as soon as I get my handgun.
Because, you know, speaking of unsafe, the guns I have are like gigantic rifles, .30-06 Beasts, AR-15s.
So if some poor bastard comes to rob me or hurt my family, I'm going to end up blowing his head off.
I don't necessarily want to blow his head off.
I want to stop him.
He will literally have no head.
When I bought the .30-06 rifle, the Huntsman, I said to the gun guy, what if I was to shoot a rabbit with this?
And he goes, it would just cease to be.
It wouldn't have a hole in it.
It would just be fur and dust.
It would just be gone.
So if I shoot someone in the head, it'll just be hair on the top, gigantic space, shoulders.
Anyway.
So, uh... What was I talking about?
Guns?
I think I genuinely... This might be the first episode where I went off on a tangent and wasn't able to bring it back.
That is shocking.
So, yeah.
Mastercraft would have... Jesse's armed to the teeth, by the way.
Jesus Lord, he has some beautiful guns.
Not the largest balls in the world, but, uh, yeah.
Pretty big guns.
Um...
So George Brett goes into the bathroom and he calls his manager and he goes, he goes, I took off my jeans.
I washed my legs with my jeans.
I threw my boots and my jeans in the garbage of the bathroom.
And I'm sitting here with just my shirt on, nude.
I need your help.
Thank God he answered, by the way.
What the fuck was George Brett planning to do if his manager didn't answer?
Just saunter up the stairs like when your girl sleeps over and she puts on your dress shirt to go get some coffee?
He would have looked like a sexy one-night stand, but with diarrhea on his legs.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, D.C.
is so disgusting.
I've been going there regularly for CRTV Tonight at CRTV.com.
Please check it out.
Passcode Gavin gets you $10 off.
Now it's only 90 bucks a year, I believe.
We have bums here, but they're pretty reasonable, and I think the beauty of New York is it's freezing cold and there's murderers everywhere, so we tend to call the herd pretty regularly.
For some reason, D.C.
doesn't call the herd.
I don't understand why, but the bums there are set up.
Like they've got living rooms, areas they hang out on the street where there's a bed, several couches, and you know, different, like there's, near the CRTV studio, there's a bum section here with all ages and genders, mostly black.
And then, across the street, there's another one, with a couch and a bed and some tables and stuff.
And they will constantly, like, go back and forth across the road and visit each other.
Not sure why they're not one team, but it's just, like, neighbours visiting each other.
And, uh, I was at the, uh, Kelly's Irish Times, a bar near there, and this guy comes up asking for money, completely nude.
He's a naked gentleman.
Uh, smells unbelievably bad.
People passed out all- by the train station is the worst.
Just someone eating fried chicken with one shoe on while their friend is passed out face down in the pavement.
I saw this old bum as I was getting on the train.
He was walking out and he was a white guy, probably like 80 years old, wearing the George Brett uniform that we just described.
A dress shirt with diarrhea on his legs.
Nothing else.
Nothing else.
He had shit on his legs.
And I'm thinking, what does the homeless shelter do?
Do they say, here, just sit on this plastic chair?
Or do they hose them down?
Or do they just say, sorry, we have standards.
No one drenched in diarrhea is allowed to come in here.
Because no one wants you here.
I don't want to be, I don't care how down and out you are, you don't want to be around people with diarrhea on their legs.
That's the one thing we can all agree on.
No matter who you are, you don't want to sit next to someone drenched in discharge.
Unless they just gave birth to your child.
At which point, it's cute.
Actually, dudes, I think we're out of time, but I can't be clear enough about this.
If your wife is giving birth, don't look down.
They have a green blanket there for a reason.
You're not meant to look.
And I've seen guys just sort of catatonic for weeks after because they looked.
Her vagina stretches, I don't know if you know this, but her vagina stretches wide enough to make a child come out.
That's unusual, especially at the beginning when you're looking at your son's hair on his head in her vagina.
It is bizarre.
You know what I was thinking, by the way?
One of my favorite jokes is to say to women that are pregnant, talk like an expert about it and go, it's not that bad.
What you wanna do, you wanna breathe a lot?
You breathe, I cannot stress enough the importance of being a total expert about birth as a dude.
I thought it'd be funny to do a sketch where there's five pregnant women discussing it and sort of rolling their eyes like, oh my God, the cravings are insane.
But I think that they matter, too.
Like, I was craving grapefruit, like nuts.
And I ate about five.
And then I read online that my baby was at the point where they're building the brain, and you need citric acid for that.
So, the craving had a purpose.
It was really interesting.
And then, amongst all these super eight-and-a-half-month pregnant women is a guy.
And he's talking the same as them.
And he goes, the feet swelling gets a little tedious.
And they go, what?
How do you know?
And he goes, oh, I've read a lot about pregnancy, so I'm kind of, I wouldn't say an expert, but I know a lot.
Another thing, you cannot, you don't know where to sleep.
I mean, you're never comfortable.
It's like, should I sleep on my side?
Should I sleep on my back?
And he's just vibing with them and they're sort of looking over at him.
Uncomfortable.
Wouldn't that be cool?
That would be funny.
It would be like a German Rastafarian.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Yeah, we're just, you know, we're just trying to get I.R.I.
as we hang out with Jaa.
And he's got big white dreads and he's sitting with them.
They'd probably like it because it was so unusual.
Germans are really into every other culture but their own.
Probably the Hitler thing.
But I noticed when my wife worked at the American Indian Museum, there'd be some powwow or something that the Indians put on, and Germans just want to be down so bad.
There's a German guy at every powwow.
In fact, my wife's tribe, the Ho-Chunks, They got this big grant to preserve their language.
It was like 10 million bucks because all the Ho-Chunk speakers are dying.
And the Germans just couldn't wait to get involved.
We want to help you with Ho-Chunk.
We've learned it, and we can speak and write it, and we'd like to help people spread the language of the Ho-Chunk.
And it's like, dude, they don't want to be your friend.
Hey, hey white guys that are trying to be down, they don't like you.
Hey liberals that are so desperate to have black friends, the black people don't like you.
Sorry.
You'll never be down, no matter how many of the colloquialisms, black colloquialisms you use, or how many cool handshakes you learn, or how much rap, how many Wu-Tang hats you wear.
You're never gonna be part of the club.
You shouldn't want to be.
You shouldn't want to want to be in someone else's club that badly.
I think that's why I get along with African-American people of color so well because I don't do the handshake and I'm not I'm not trying to be your friend.
Yeah, that's the show.
Actually, you know what?
I have to say something about that last subject that, to be totally honest, I used to work with a guy at my ad agency, the camera dude, and he was really tall, like 6'5", so he played basketball in college.
And so his friends were all black for most of his life.
So we had these mannerisms, if you will, where he was like, yo, what's up?
You know, yo.
And he'd do the handshake and everything.
And I never do the black handshake.
I always just force the hand normal.
And then if they want to do more stuff after I pull away, no.
I'm not doing that back patting thing.
I'm not accepting a rap award.
So I'm doing a normal handshake.
I'm not trying to be down.
And he's always like, yo, what's up?
What's good, baby?
Oh, for real?
And he would do the handshake.
And I want the takeaway from that story to be the black guys appreciated me more than him.
Because I didn't talk in a fake accent.
That sounds good.
And it has a good message, I believe, but it's actually not true.
The truth is they loved hanging out with him.
They loved doing the handshake.
They felt more relaxed around him because he would use the same colloquialisms and everything.
So I do get along very well with black people, but I think it's because I don't know.
Scottish culture and black culture is similar in many ways.
And Thomas Sowell blames the worst of black culture on the Scots.
In a book called Black Rednecks, White Liberals, he argues that the origin of ghetto culture comes from blacks imitating the offensive mannerisms of Scottish and Irish drunks.
Sorry, Tom.
You're a genius and everything, but I'm not taking responsibility for Lil Wayne.
Anyway, CRTV.com is where you have to go to see the show Get Off My Lawn.
We do it every day.
We've got a new funny guy on who does imitations.
You see?
That was funny.
Uh, I, and with your, I think it's 10 bucks a month, you get Steven Crowder, Mark Levin, like 15 other shows, Michelle Malkin, Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty guy, um, you get more TV than you could possibly watch, honestly.
Very informative stuff.
My show, of course, is the funniest because I'm amazing.
But Steven Crowder is neck and neck.
And then Levin is smarter than me.
So you can tune in to him to get informed.
And Phil Robertson is just so soothing.
You watch his show.
You could be having a bad acid trip and you'd watch his show and you'd just go, I gots to chill.
Oh, I'm trying to get black friends by using their mannerisms.
So CRTV.com is where you go to see Get Off My Lawn, which is my show that airs Six times a fortnight is the easiest way to say it.
Four nights one week, two nights the other week, and the short week is short because I got to go to DC and shoot CRTV Tonight.
Which is a red-eye type of talk show with a panel of guests and we do... Like, I keep that super ridiculous.
Like, you know, Kim Kardashian's butt.
Celebrity gossip.
It's pretty apolitical.
And that's got a halftime thing where we sit down and do a long talk with someone.
And we always play a game at the end.
Like last week we played, who's the best gay?
And there was a lot of... A good close-up was...
Milo Yiannopoulos was a good vote.
Mine is Tom Ford.
I chose Tom Ford.
My wife suggested John Waters, which I think beats Tom Ford.
Although, I'm not sure I've ever really enjoyed any of John Waters' movies, but he is a great guy.
And he did say, my ultimate goal with movies is to have someone throw up in the theater.
That was pretty cool.
But, uh, you know, Not Gay Jared was on the show and he suggested, uh, uh, Eleanor Roosevelt and my stupid brain, my retard brain, heard Amelia Earhart.
So I started criticizing him going, ah, Amelia Earhart wasn't, I mean, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't so great.
She, uh, no, I like doing it as a picture now, Dave.
Um, Amelia Earhart, uh, she didn't even, no, I said, Eleanor Roosevelt didn't even drive the plane.
She was a passenger in the plane.
And I realized, like, the next day that I was talking about Amelia Earhart the whole time.
So, tune into that episode to see someone make absolutely no sense discussing Eleanor Roosevelt.
But yeah, and then there's After Hours, the sort of long sit-downy show, where I sound like Joe Rogan.
Who, by the way, folks at home, Joe Rogan is here!
Joe Rogan just walked into the studio, and, uh, he wants to say hello.
Joe, how are you doing?
Hey, man, I just got done with my, uh, they got these, um, Jamie, pull this up.
They have these new shake weights, and, uh, they're like little eggs or something, man.
They're fuckin' badass, man.
Okay, Joe, Jamie's not here.
You're in my studio now.
Joey Diaz gave me the... We went to this UFC thing.
It was fucking badass, man.
Jamie, see if you can pull that up.
Alright, folks.
I like you more than a friend.
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