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July 17, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

46:29

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #67 | My mom's a bitch

This was the speech I was going to do for my parent's 50th Anniversary party but my dad kiboshed it because he said his friends are 70 now and they don't like swear words. Oh well, his loss is your gain.

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	My mom's a bitch and my dad's an a-hole.
	That was gonna be my speech for their 50th anniversary and my dad kiboshed it.
	I explained myself and I said, what I do is I start out offensive and then people get to know what I mean by bitch, what I mean by asshole, and then it's really schmaltzy at the end.
	And he goes, absolutely not.
	Well, can I swear?
	No.
	But dad, that's the... Most of my stories, my two top stories involve fuck you and asshole.
	And he goes, well, you'll just have to come up with a different plan.
	I understand what you're saying, but these people are in their 70s, Gavin.
	Yeah.
	So they were born during World War II.
	So their childhood was seeing pictures of the Holocaust.
	I think they can handle some rude words.
	And he goes, no.
	So I gave a speech that was censored.
	It was pretty good.
	But, uh, it could have been a lot funnier.
	And, um, uh, his speech sucked.
	In fact, when I got off, out of the car at the airport, I said, alright, bye dad, love you, uh, sorry about your speech, don't beat yourself up.
	To which, of course, he replied, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa That's his laugh.
	It's someone wheezing to death.
	It's someone stepping on a dying accordion and then getting shot with a frog from a cannon.
	If he's really laughing hard, he goes... Like you're removing a pterodactyl's entrails from his anus.
	Which, to be totally frank, I've never done.
	But you can imagine what it would be like.
	A pterodactyl probably had a loud call.
	Paleontologists out there, if that's what you're called, have you seen fossils with a big larynx?
	Yeah, I figured as much.
	So, I just want to tell the story, do the speech the way I want to do it, man, on my own podcast where I can be free!
	I don't have an engineer.
	My engineer got hired by Fox News.
	They paid him 20% more.
	So he came back to me to start a bidding war.
	And I'm Scottish, dude.
	Goodbye.
	I wish you nothing but the best.
	I might give you five bucks for a Christmas raise.
	No, I'm pretty good with Christmas.
	Well, maybe I'm not.
	I think I gave him 500 bucks as a Christmas bonus.
	Is that good or bad?
	I don't know.
	It's probably bad in the grand scheme of things, but it seemed like a fuck of a lot of money to me But yeah, they screwed him so I've been doing my my show which is at CRTV.com and it's called get off my lawn doing the show by myself and Doing things like leaving mics on so the the audio picks up the audio the whole room and Getting the lip syncing off for some reason.
	It's not synchronized.
	I'm screwing up And it takes hours and hours and hours.
	This is the burden.
	A lazy man's burden!
	As my dad would say when I was carrying seven boxes up the stairs and I dropped one and something would smash.
	Because it's lazy to grab a bunch of boxes at once.
	Any hizzle.
	Um, so I'm recording this for the first time all by my lonesome.
	Uh, the levels look pretty high.
	I hope you guys got good ears.
	You can handle a- I'll put the mic away.
	How's that?
	Right.
	So, I go up to Canada.
	50 years my parents have been married.
	50 years.
	You know how many marriages last that long? 5%.
	And they were there in the 80s.
	They just moved.
	I think they moved to Canada from England because my dad was drinking a lot and their marriage was on the rocks.
	And they decided, let's just try for a reboot because we're determined to stay married.
	Because my mom was a child of divorce, which you can imagine how rare that was back in the 50s.
	I think the word on the street is, though they were quite secretive about it, my grandmother married a dick named Jack.
	Jack off.
	He was a rich kid who was sort of the end of his parents' money.
	He was a great artist, went to all the best schools, had tuxedos and, you know, dinner jackets, but he just sold suits at a suit shop.
	He didn't really have a job, he didn't use his education and his money ended.
	So, the Thompson line was a big line of aristocrats and then he ended it.
	So, my grandmother met him at a fancy dress ball where he had, you know, the duck tail suit jacket, whatever you call them, penguin tails.
	And then she married him and he just became a grump.
	Who would?
	Who would?
	You know, he was such, he was so uptight, so mean, that he got, he was also vain.
	Like, cheap people and Scots are often also very luxurious when it comes to themselves.
	So he was cheap, never bought anyone anything.
	He wouldn't even use a fridge because it used too much electricity.
	He kept his meats and cheeses in one of the family heirlooms mahogany teak Chester drawers.
	So in the place where you're supposed to put your bow ties, that was where the cheese of Fern's house lived.
	But he was so cheap, instead of getting a family car, he got a Harley Davidson, or Triumph, sorry, he got a motorbike.
	And so he takes it on, he goes, here's the family vehicle.
	Mike goes, are you a fucking bampaw by the way?
	How is that a family vehicle?
	How were you meant to take Lorraine to school in the mornings?
	And he goes, Oh, good point.
	Whoops.
	So he takes it back to the dealership.
	And then he comes back later with a sidecar.
	This is pre catalytic converters now.
	So Britain's just soot and every car is shooting up coughing up black smoke, like a wheezing Scotsman laughing.
	And so she would get to school just covered in She wasn't wearing goggles and that stupid leather helmet that can protect you from a golf ball.
	Whatever that wasn't was just black soot.
	So she looked like Popeye's enemy there.
	Pluto or Pluto, whatever his name was.
	Big black beard of soot.
	Anyway, they got divorced.
	I think my granny had an affair with a Scottish Jew, if you want to talk about cheap.
	I think she had an abortion.
	I could never really get the whole story.
	Maybe that's what made my uncle gay.
	Gays are just the children of divorce.
	Wouldn't that be funny if they did a survey and they realized, holy shit, 97.8% of gays are the children of divorce.
	Anyway.
	So, Mom had a tough upbringing.
	And Granny, she was a great grandmother to me.
	We were best friends.
	I'd spend the summers in Scotland.
	We'd hang out.
	We were peers.
	Like, I'd go get tea with her and hang out with her old friends.
	Kind of cool your parents, instead of sending you to camp, they send you to a geriatrics apartment in Glasgow, Scotland.
	But we got along great.
	I'd watch Tom Jones videos with her.
	I'd go out on an adventure and then come back and tell her the story.
	There's a video of us online of like me surprising her on her 90th or something like that.
	Anyway, great gal, but not a great mom apparently.
	And she would just abandon my mother and my mother and her gay brother, who was in doubt, died in the closet by the way.
	That's another podcast.
	Would just make mac and cheese and subsist on whatever food 12 and 13 year olds can make.
	It's basically Lord of the Flies.
	So that gave her kind of an acrimonious demeanor.
	Now, my mom rules.
	She's great.
	But she's not sweet.
	Although, in her old age, she's getting sweeter.
	But, you know, growing up, she was tough.
	And I liked that, too.
	Like, she was the one who got me on this whole baby boomers are the worst generation thing.
	I got that from her.
	And she knows she's a baby.
	Our generation are the worst.
	They're the most fucking selfish.
	They've ruined education.
	They've ruined real estate.
	No one can afford to buy a house anymore.
	It's ridiculous.
	See, my generation, the absolute worst human beings.
	And she's right.
	And if you don't believe me, you need to watch the movie The Squid and the Whale.
	The Squid and the Whale and Husbands and Wives by Woody Allen is the second one.
	I think the first one was that dude who does all the nerdy movies.
	Noah Baumbach, I want to say?
	Anyway, Squid and the Whale and Husbands and Wives perfectly summarize why baby boomers are the worst generation ever.
	Why they're just so self-centered and irritating and dramatic and lazy and Marxist and dull and perverted and incapable of monogamy.
	They just stink.
	So that's the kind of person she is.
	And then my dad, I've told you about my dad before, right?
	Just grew up poor.
	Irish poor kid in Glasgow.
	You know, no shoes kind of poverty.
	Just look up the Gorbals, Glasgow, in Google Image and you can see the horrible life they had.
	Although he had a pretty bucolic childhood.
	Kids don't know they're poor.
	They just play soccer and climb on broken down cars.
	No one told them that they could be playing croquet.
	So, he had a weak brother named Alan.
	Who ended up dying of alcoholism, as do most of my relatives, but he would always get picked on.
	So my dad, who liked Alan, and you know, it's possible Alan smelled of victim.
	He just had that stench because his father would beat him.
	And my grandfather, Jimmy McInnes, same as my son's name, he would beat his sons like a boxer.
	He wouldn't smack their butts or pull their ears or whip them with a ruler on the wrist.
	He'd punch them in the face.
	Get his hips into it.
	Send them down some of the big cement steps, the big stone steps that are in the apartments in Scotland.
	So my dad didn't like that.
	He still, he'll cry if you get him drunk enough, if he talks about it.
	But he spent most of his childhood defending Alan and fighting for him.
	That's why my dad's nose looks like he's KRS-One.
	It looks like just a flat triangle because it's a boxer's nose.
	He's had it broken so many times.
	He once had it broken when I was with him.
	I was a little kid in a pub, as British kids are wont to do.
	This was in Canada, actually, but there's not enough British expats.
	All my friends had British parents when I was a kid.
	We're in a pub called the Royal Oak on Bank Street in Ottawa, and my dad starts looking at this guy exactly the way homos do.
	In a, like a, hmm-hmm.
	You want a huh-huh-huh?
	Oh yeah?
	How about a little whistle?
	What kind of bandana do you have in your pocket?
	Are you a bottom?
	Or you're a blouse?
	You know what a blouse is, by the way?
	A feminine top.
	So you like putting it in the butt.
	Not giving, not receiving.
	But you're not macho.
	You're effeminate.
	So a feminine top is called a blouse.
	So maybe this guy was a blouse.
	And so they do this and they agree, let's go outside.
	Only it wasn't gay sex.
	It was violence.
	So this guy was looking at my dad and the look was like, you got a fucking problem old man?
	And my dad was looking back at him going, what are you saying?
	You want to go outside?
	I'll kick your ass right now.
	This was all just with eyes and glances and head gestures.
	So eventually my dad gestures.
	to outside and they go, "Yeah, I'll fight you." So they have, uh, they go to fight outside without any words exchanged.
	I've seen this in Boston, I've never seen it in New York.
	Probably because you could be dealing with a crackhead who's gonna stab you and your family.
	So they agree to disagree and they go outside, It's icy, you know, Canadian ice steps.
	And my dad takes two steps in front.
	Like, they're both walking outside.
	My dad's ahead of him.
	The guy touches my dad's shoulder and just, whoosh, nails him right in the face before they could square up.
	Now, some would call that a sucker punch.
	Yes, it technically was a sucker punch, but you want to win.
	And he won.
	My dad ended up in the hospital, I think, from that punch.
	Cause it, they had to like, his nose was sealed shut or something.
	I remember him having tubes up his nose.
	That could have been related to his ulcer too, but anyway.
	So I watched him as a kid get his ass kicked.
	It's very traumatizing seeing your dad get beat up.
	I don't recommend it.
	They fall like a big weird tower of bricks.
	Get a bunch of t-shirts and put four bricks in each t-shirt and then somehow stack them and then push it over.
	That's kind of like how a dad falls.
	It's not pretty.
	Anyway...
	So that's why he's an asshole.
	And that's why mom's a bitch.
	So I was going to start out and say, you know, when you first meet this couple, you go, they seem nice, very friendly, very effusive, very eager to chat, especially at a pub, which is they spend the winters in Florida.
	And that's, I got to say, you go to a pub in Florida or bar and Those guys are really great conversationalists.
	All these blue-collar, retired dudes, Vietnam vets and stuff.
	They got great stories.
	It reminds me of Scotland in many ways.
	The friendliness you see in Florida.
	It's very refreshing.
	Anyway, that's so I'd say they seem nice.
	But so does a lion when you watch it on the Discovery Channel.
	It looks like a cute animal.
	Or, um, so does a bear.
	Look at a bear on TV with her cubs.
	Okay, they are cute.
	They do seem nice.
	Why don't you go over there?
	Why don't you pick up one of the cubs?
	Give him a little kiss.
	Why don't you pat the mama bear on the head as you hold the cub in your hand.
	Maybe rest it on your hip like it's your baby.
	And then maybe just sort of play fight with the mom while you do that.
	Let me see how long your head stays on your shoulders.
	Yes, they are majestic beasts.
	They're also savage animals.
	And that's my parents.
	In fact, a funny little anecdote that relates to all this.
	We were at a park near my house in the suburbs, and I have a nice house now.
	I moved out of the apartment in Williamsburg, and there's a beautiful park nearby.
	And the weird... I'm still getting used to these people.
	They're so... They're like Ned Flanders on the outside, and then you find out they're having an affair and doing drugs on the inside, so... I'm still trying to map my way out here.
	If we feel... My wife and I feel like the Coneheads.
	Like, hello!
	We are not weird!
	We take down our weirdest paintings on the wall when guests come by, literally.
	So one of the things they do for status in the burbs in New York is they have big, huge dogs that are a weird breed.
	I guess they do it in New York, too, in SoHo.
	You'll have two big Great Danes and it means I have a giant loft.
	It's nothing to do with the dogs, obviously.
	So they'll have, like this guy has these two stupid dogs.
	You know those dogs that look like chicks?
	They look like Cher.
	They have long hair.
	So these are two white dogs With long noses, they're big, like a Great Dane, but then they have long, long, long, white Farrah Fawcett hair.
	And then you probably have to comb it and shampoo it every day.
	It's just irritating to look at.
	So I'm annoyed, but I don't really have feelings about dogs.
	I think they're great.
	Just like, you know, they're like tacos.
	Like, I'll have one.
	I'm not gonna go out of my way to go get a taco.
	I don't think they're well designed, but...
	If there's food going around, sure, I'll have a taco.
	Yeah, I'll play with your dog.
	It's not a pit bull.
	So, uh, my dad despises dogs.
	So you're already annoyed as a normal person by these stupid, fancy dogs.
	Uh, and what everything they represent, the dumb virtue signaling, not virtue signaling, but status signaling.
	Um, but then you're also talking to a dog hater, and he's also had a lot of beers that day, and he gets real, he can get scary when he's had some beers.
	I told the story about how I don't visit my parents anymore in Canada because we have a fight and then I gotta get home and it's a pain in the ass to get home.
	If we have a fight here, I can just go to my room.
	Crying.
	But when I told him my wife was pregnant with my first child, my daughter, he said, and he'd had about ten beers, He's sitting there cross-legged, the way Scots and British people when they're drunk, they cross their legs and they hunch their backs over and it looks like Gollum is asleep on the train.
	It looks like someone tangled up an elf on the shelf.
	So he's got his weird little skinny legs all twisted around each other and he's hunched over and his head's down because he's falling asleep.
	And he picks up his head with his half-closed eyes and he goes, B-T-D-T.
	Are you with me here?
	Been there, done that is his reaction to me having my first child.
	So I got a little mad and I said, uh, I could kick the shit out of you old man.
	And I said, I wouldn't just, if I punched you, you wouldn't just have a broken nose or a fat lip.
	I would send you flying back over this chair.
	And you'd be unconscious.
	Now, I hope you wouldn't die.
	That would be terrible.
	But we'd be in the vicinity of that type of risk.
	And he just opens his eyes a little wider like he's intrigued.
	His arms are still folded over his cross legs.
	And he goes, Do your worst.
	And at that moment I realized that if I were to punch him, he's such a schadenfreude, dark, Darth Vader kind of guy, that he would enjoy it.
	He'd be like, remember that time I made Gavin so angry he knocked me out?
	That's the kind of power I have.
	So I just said I wouldn't give you the pleasure and I packed up my bags and the family was at the airport at five in the fucking morning trying to go back home.
	Anyway, so we're at the park and there's those two dogs, and he's got his hands behind his back, which, you should be wary of people who are that congenial.
	Like, I've said this a million times, but when you have some, you know, British guy with a lot of rings and a buttoned up Fred Perry, and he goes, hello, I couldn't help but notice you were swearing in front of a lady, who would mean a lot to me if you could apologize.
	You fucking apologize.
	So when someone walks over with a broken nose, And clothes they found in the garbage.
	Actually, a lot of my dad's wardrobe is things I threw out in the 90s.
	So he wears streetwear.
	So he'll have a fucked golf shirt like F-U-C-T.
	Remember that brand?
	Or Fresh Jive.
	He'll have Fresh Jive cargo pants.
	Or Lithium Cargo.
	He has all these streetwear labels from the late 90s because I threw them out in a contractor bag and he raided it.
	Anyway, so he's this skater, this 74 year old skater dude walks by the man.
	He goes, I couldn't help but notice those majestic beasts you have.
	Now, my dad's about to, I don't know, stab him?
	This is like a murderer saying that to, or a pedophile saying it to, his next victim.
	And the guy He's naive and doesn't know my dad's gonna murder him.
	So he comes sort of hopping over, skipping over.
	Oh yeah, thank you very much.
	I mean, they're a handful, but we adore them.
	This is Walter, and this is Sally, and they're not twins.
	A lot of people think they're twins.
	And my dad is, I can see him sneering, and he goes, what an honor it must be to be in their presence.
	At that point, I'm like, Dad, Dad, we should go.
	I'm about 20 feet away.
	Dad, we should go.
	We should go.
	Let's go, go, go.
	Come on, come on, come on.
	I'm motioning him for him to leave because I know he's going to say, you people are disgusting!
	He does that all the time.
	Last time he was in New York, we were at St.
	Dimphus getting fish and chips.
	And someone had a dog there, God forbid.
	And he just, as we're leaving, he runs over and goes, you see that?
	You see that with that fucking dog?
	That's disgusting!
	This is a restaurant.
	People eat here.
	Dad, you don't know this area.
	Now, it's St.
	Mark's.
	It's basically Times Square.
	It's tourist friendly, but we could have been in East New York.
	We could have been in Harlem or the Bronx.
	Dad, don't fucking start yelling at people in bars before you know the demographic.
	One time, this is the craziest one, so he hates dogs, and he sees this little poodle, you know how people will put like a ribbon in the bangs of their dog, a little pink bow tie thing, and that'll hold the hair up in a funny little umbrella bun above the doggy's head, and my dad says, that's it!
	He was with my brother, I wasn't there for that one, but my brother and I regale each other with these stories, and he's very accurate.
	And he goes up to the manager and goes, "Excuse me, I understand that dogs are not allowed "in restaurants, is that correct?" "Oh, absolutely, sir, yeah, we came outside, "why did you wanna bring your dog?" "No, there is a woman with a dog seated at her table." And I think it's absolutely disgusting, and I'm going to report you.
	And my family... No, he wouldn't say, I'm gonna report you.
	That's not the way he talks.
	But we are never returning here again.
	I think that you should be ashamed of yourself.
	And the guy goes, what?
	No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	We would never, never allow a dog to sit at a table.
	Where?
	Can you show me?
	And he goes, follow me.
	Then he walks over to the table.
	And there is a two-year-old child in a high chair with her hair in a little thing with a little pink bow tie, keeping her fucking bangs up so they look like a fountain shooting out of the top of her head the way you do with a cute little baby girl.
	And he stands and with both his hands he sort of motions to the thing.
	And then he looks down and sees that it's a child and realizes that he saw it from behind, immediately assumed it was a dog.
	And without double-checking to see what species this mammal was, he ran to the manager to complain.
	And the thing about my dad is, my mom too, is they're deceiving.
	The niceness is deceiving.
	Now I love them to death, and I like the meanness too, but that accent that I do where he's like, how are you my boy?
	Absolutely A1.
	It's an affectation.
	It's a Sean Connery thing Scottish people do to sound fancy.
	His real accent you hear in his sleep, and right before he retired he hated his job, and I'd hear him in his room going, I don't want to go!
	How are you?
	And then he'd wake up, you know, ten minutes later and go, how are you my boy?
	Good morning.
	Can I interest you in a instant coffee?
	It is Nescafe gourmet.
	So he's not so sweet.
	And the accent is deceiving.
	And by the way, you'll notice, just like that murderer who said, I couldn't help but notice you were swearing in front of a lady, When you're with maniacs, they tend to be quite kind.
	Like Hannibal, with his whole like, hello Clarice.
	Every time someone meets my dad, they go, dude, you said he was a maniac.
	He's a sweet old man.
	And I go, all right, all right, all right.
	Let's just stick around.
	You left a little early, my friend.
	Let's maybe stick around till 11 p.m.
	Maybe, oh, would you like to try 1 a.m.?
	Would you like to hear the 1 a.m.
	accent?
	One time, this is the story I was going to tell, and I couldn't tell it by censoring the main word in it, but uh... So we're driving, I went to university in downtown Ottawa, I live downtown, but I'd occasionally visit my folks in the burbs on a Sunday or whatever.
	And they were kind, they'd agree to drive me back, but there was always a lot of... they didn't like it.
	I mean, it was probably like 45 minutes, or maybe an hour there and back.
	So they were pissed off as they did it.
	Which, at that point, when you're the passenger, you're like, you know what?
	I don't need your charity.
	I'll just take the bus or the train or whatever.
	So we're driving down the Queensway.
	Huge fucking highway.
	It goes from coast to coast.
	It is the Queensway.
	The Queen, if you look up Canada in Wikipedia, she's still the head of the country.
	So it's a big deal, this Queensway.
	I think it's about eight lanes.
	So we're whipping down this highway at 80 miles an hour, and Billy Bragg comes on the radio.
	I like Billy Bragg.
	I'm not a fan of his communist politics, but I can get over that.
	And I like his love songs, and I think he's a great songwriter and a great lyricist.
	Pleasant guy.
	And I like hearing interviews with him, too.
	He's an intelligent human being.
	Despite his unbelievably leftist politics.
	By the way, a little side note here.
	At the 50th anniversary party, he got in a fight with his friend John.
	And John is very... He's a communist, basically.
	And the other parents, the other dads are here, or the other adults, I should say, are hearing how left-wing John is.
	And they go, John, I have to say I'm a little disappointed.
	I didn't know that you were so left-wing.
	Lots of British people at this anniversary party, about half.
	And he's Liverpudlian, John.
	And my dad interrupts and he goes, John is to the left of Mayo!
	Mayo.
	He was pronouncing Mao, Mayo.
	And I go, have you never heard the word Mao said aloud?
	And even if you hadn't, why would you jump to may-oh when you read that word?
	It's clearly Mao.
	I feel like just showing it to random people, you know, in, I don't know, Brazil, who've never heard of him or something.
	Mayo?
	I couldn't stop thinking about that for a full day after.
	I just kept hearing my, he's to the left of Mayo.
	Mayo.
	Mayo Tse-Tung is responsible for 70 million deaths in China, being the great leap forward.
	Horrible man, that Mayo.
	Mayo!
	What a weirdo.
	Anyway, so we're driving down, and Billy Bragg's a fan of Mayo, by the way, both the condiment and the world leader, the despot.
	So we're whipping down the highway, and Billy Bragg's like, I don't know, I just feel like, you know, we gotta worry about the workers, you know, the union is a great thing, and blah, blah, blah.
	And my dad goes, oh, fuck that.
	He just changes the channel to something else.
	I go, hey, hey, I was listening to that!
	And he goes, ugh, he's an asshole.
	And I go, he's not an a- actually, you know what?
	You're an asshole!
	And within a tenth of a second, we are in the gravel.
	He didn't even slow down or look if there was cars behind him.
	He went off the highway and just slammed on the brakes and we are fishtailing now in gravel.
	And then he says, get out!
	And I go, fine, yeah, I'm happy to.
	And I get out and then Fishtails again, vroom!
	They're back on the Queensway, vroom!
	Now I'm stuck on the side of a fucking freeway not near any civilization at all.
	And cars are going vroom, vroom, vroom!
	It's the Autobahn!
	So it takes me- I know that there's a shopping mall about a mile that way, so I'll just play Frogger on the fucking freeway as cars come by that couldn't possibly stop if they saw me.
	So I just have to- I'm basically- I pretend I'm invisible, right?
	They're coming that fast, and eventually I manage to get brakes to make it to the median, then I stand on the cement median with cars whipping by and blowing my hair in every direction, and then I eventually get a brake on the other side, then walk through some farmer's fields, and eventually end up at the bus stop.
	Now, you can't tell that story without the word asshole, right?
	And then I said, I like Billy Bragg, and then my dad said, you don't like that guy, he's a jerk.
	And I said, you're kind of a jerk, dude.
	That's not the story.
	And what kind of asshole puts everyone's life in jeopardy and goes veering off the highway because you, sorry, I'm getting nervous, this isn't recording, but anyway, we gotta go for it, goes veering off the highway because you said the word jerk.
	Anyway, so the other story I was going to tell was about my old lady.
	No, that means your wife.
	Whoops.
	My mommy.
	Similar story.
	So I'm at Carleton University.
	I can't remember if this is before or after the get out of the car, but she said, I'll come pick you up.
	I think what happens is probably they have a buzz on with the vino and they go, I'll pick you up.
	I'm anyone's dog for a bone.
	Let's go.
	We can go to Montreal together, buddy.
	And then the booze wears off, and they get hungover, and they're like, I gotta drive all the way fucking downtown?
	Oh, Jesus!
	So then they're pissed off driving, and they go, he better be there when I get there.
	Now, a college campus, they're difficult to navigate, right?
	There are winding roads, and there's a building here and a building there.
	They're that way on purpose, really.
	It's supposed to look like a fun, kooky Disneyland.
	And so I said, meet me by Porter Hall, which was where they'd have the concerts.
	My band has played there many times.
	But there's a few places you can be when you say Porter Hall.
	So we agreed to meet at 2.30 and it's getting like 2.35, 2.40 and I go, oh boy, she is going to be pissed.
	And when Jim and Lorraine, when mom and dad get mad, there is hell to pay.
	I mean, they don't just go, I'm a little annoyed with you.
	They, well, you're about to hear what they do.
	So I start getting nervous.
	Great.
	She's gonna think that I wasn't ready.
	This is gonna be a big hullabaloo.
	I'm gonna hear about it in the car the whole way home.
	I'm getting hives, I'm so stressed out.
	This is gonna be a nightmare.
	She's gonna be screaming her head off.
	Boy, she's gonna go nuts when we finally meet.
	And I don't need that.
	I'm just going to meet my parents.
	Your mom's supposed to have cookies ready and stuff when you go visit your folks.
	It's supposed to be a safe space.
	Why is she so triggered?
	And then I start thinking, you know what, fuck her.
	I don't give a shit.
	If she's gonna... If she's going to...
	Have a panic attack and start screaming hysterically.
	I just won't get in the car and you can go have your own, go have your own temper tantrum.
	I have my own apartment now.
	I own a punk house with about ten dudes that are all super funny and love to chug beers.
	So I don't really need the hassle.
	So then I just sort of lost the stress, you know, about her crazy attitude and I thought, ah, we're done.
	And then, right after I had sort of released myself from the stress, I see her across this long, weird passageway.
	Now, you know how schools, it's hard to find a place to study.
	And just by accident, my shitty university, Carleton University, just happened to have this weird, kind of a design flaw, really, where there was the venue, Porter Hall, where they'd have bands play, Then there was the stairs to go to the classrooms, and then there was this building.
	Sort of up against it.
	And just by some sort of hole in the architect's design, there was a long, very wide, like 20-foot corridor that probably went about 200 feet.
	And no one used it as a traffic spot when there wasn't a concert going on.
	So it was totally silent.
	So the students liked it more than the library.
	It's all Asians, of course.
	Anyone studying is Asian.
	In fact, I remember in college, if you looked up from your book in the library and everyone was Asian, you went, oh, jeez, I'm studying way too hard here.
	I don't have to work that hard.
	And you'd leave.
	You'd tell time by race.
	Oh, there's still half-white people in the library?
	Well, it's probably pretty early.
	Uh-oh, it looks like Beijing in here.
	I better get to bed.
	It must be midnight.
	Anyway, so it's mostly Asians and Russians and nerds.
	Foreign students trying to make their parents' investment worth it.
	And, uh...
	They've pulled up, like, shitty sort of tables you'd have at a garage sale or something.
	Those plastic ones that you see guys jumping on, World Wrestling style, breaking their backs on.
	Those kind of tables.
	So, there's about 20 of those.
	Two rows of 10.
	It's foreign students studying away, and it is silent as can be, and it also has quite an echo, because it's a tall, cement, kind of a Bauhaus room.
	So I'm looking down, and I see her open the fire doors, which startles people, right?
	And I see her, and she looks like Braveheart post-battle.
	Her face is beet red, her hair's all askew, and it's kind of thin, too, her hair, so when it's messy, it looks like a comb-over that got uncombed.
	And she's got this frazzled hair, and she's hunched back, like Quasimodo.
	And I can see her eyes look like she's been red-pilled.
	They're just like glowing orbs.
	And I go, oh boy, this shit has hit the fan.
	Now, I can't do this in the microphone, or it will break, and you'll go deaf, and your car speakers will blow.
	She sees me, and her glowing eyes get as big as golf balls, and then she points like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and she goes, I'm gonna turn away from the mic for this, she goes, where the fuck have you been?
	And I think, I don't want to get into this with you.
	And I go, I just sort of yell back, you know what?
	Fuck you!
	And I start leaving.
	And she grabs one of these chairs.
	Now the school is old and cheap, so the chairs are mid-century modern.
	They look like they're Eames chairs.
	Like the cheap kind of Eames chairs, so it's just like steel, sort of spaghetti-thin legs that meet on the bottom, right?
	And then that sort of plastic molding for the butt, and orange plastic molding for the back, but just thin steel holding them on, and it's all one steel chair.
	It's quite heavy, but kind of elastic in its bounciness.
	She slides her hands down the edges, down the back, On either side of the back of one of these steel chairs.
	And her eyes are even bigger now, if that was possible.
	Now they're about to leave her head.
	She looks like a drawing of a hot rod, like Big Daddy Roth or whatever.
	Those 60s hot rod drawings where the eyeballs are coming out of the guy's head.
	And she goes, No!
	Fuck you!
	And whips the chair.
	And she does it like it's the Highland Games.
	She gets behind it, like she really gets her hips into it, and her knees, and she bends down, and she sort of starts with it way, way back behind her, gives it a dip, and then just full body, arching back, just launches it at the perfect 60 degree angle, and phoo!
	It soars through the air like an eagle that's dying.
	It was actually beautiful.
	And as this chair soars, all of these students are just, they're gobsmacked, mouths agog, arms akimbo, and they're staring up like it's an intergalactic tennis match, just watching the chair go from right To middle, to left.
	Just stunned.
	I mean, it was, they looked like the top of the building opened up and God went, hi guys, I'm gonna kill you all.
	They, they were, they'd never seen anything like it.
	And they probably have like some nice little Asian mom from Chaoling province who's making them xiao jin, xiao fan.
	They're not used to the Scottish moms.
	And the chair goes soaring, and then it hits the cement stone wall at the complete other end, the other 200 feet away.
	I mean, it literally was something from the Highland Games.
	You'd get a gold medal.
	It was a beautiful throw.
	And so that chair just goes like, I feel like the black guy in Police Academy.
	me.
	And she left and I left and we didn't speak for a few months.
	These stories are typical.
	I've got thousands of them.
	And then I was gonna say, so you go, this woman's a bitch, this guy's an asshole, but then you realize bitches need assholes.
	And I think they're genetically attracted to each other.
	My wife's kind of a bitch.
	I've always said the Indians who were nice are all dead.
	So it's only the bitches we have left.
	The ones who don't want to shake the white man's hand and do a deal.
	Um, but as an asshole, I need her to keep me in line or I just, like, ruin every party we go to and, you know, get too strict with the kids and... I need her to counter me.
	I remember one time my parents went out, they went camping when they first got to Canada.
	And the men went out to get something like tent pegs or something.
	Or bug spray.
	Which in Canada is crucial.
	And they go, let's stop by that pub on the way back.
	And the other dad goes, alright Jim, I'm not sure if we should.
	The Ned Flanders dad.
	And my dad has a drink and goes, let's just do one more, shall we?
	Just one more.
	So they end up having about seven pints and it's dark out now, it's 11pm.
	And they get back, and these poor women have been hiding out in the tent, because there's no bug dope, and it's mosquitoes everywhere.
	So they have no fire, no nothing, and they're just sitting in their individual tents with, I guess, a flashlight, reading a book or something.
	So my dad finally makes it back to the tent, and the other dad saw this, and he's the one who told me this story.
	It's a famous McKenna story.
	And he sort of zips, opens up the tent, and says, Lorraine!
	And a fist just goes, whoosh!
	A fist comes flying out of the tent and smashes him in the face.
	He falls backwards, passes out, and wakes up a few hours later looking like the elephant man because he's been stung by or bitten by 10 million mosquitoes.
	He did that the other night at the anniversary too.
	He fell asleep outside covered in mosquitoes.
	Jesus, dude.
	You must have built up quite an immunity with all your passing out around mosquitoes.
	And a lot of these mosquitoes will draw a penis on his forehead.
	It takes about 300 of them to hold a marker, but they do it.
	They're that vindictive, those little bugs.
	Those little buggers.
	So, I was gonna say that they seem like bitches and assholes, but then you just realize, wait a minute.
	They're not mean to people for no reason.
	They're obsessed with justice and they don't let anyone Take them for granted.
	Like another story, my dad was playing pool with some guy who was a local newsman, like the character Will Ferrell plays in Anchorman.
	And they were playing pool and they were getting along just fine.
	And then my dad, you know, Set up with a shot where you can't do anything because the guy has blocked him in with the eight ball and he doesn't have any way out of it and he can't even get to any of his balls.
	And my dad said something like, ah, you fucked me.
	And the anchorman said, oh, yeah, that's what your wife said to me last night, Jim.
	And without hesitation, my dad just went and headbutted him in the face and exploded his nose.
	And the guy had to leave.
	And it was a big ordeal.
	And then my dad was kicked out of the bar.
	And it was just instantaneous.
	Or another time when I was about Nine, we went to Disneyland and there were these two girls in a lineup about five lineups away and they were budding.
	And my parents saw that.
	They made me keep the space and they went over and grabbed the girls and said, no, no, no, no, no, no, not on my watch.
	And pushed them to grab them and brought them to the back of the line.
	This wasn't even our lineup.
	And then I realized, this isn't a bitch and an asshole.
	These are two warriors that fight for what's right.
	And they sort of instilled that in me, is this sense of don't let people, I don't care how unfashionable it is to call out a truth or to call out a bullshitter.
	It's like Carl Pilkington says, he wants to become a superhero where he just flies around the world, shows up at things and goes, that's bullshit, and then flies away.
	That's really what this bitch and asshole are all about, is they know that they're both kind of like the Incredibles.
	They're both superheroes, and they need each other's super strength to keep each other in line.
	And when they aren't focused on, you know, headbutting people in bars or screaming at their children, throwing chairs at their children, they do a lot of good for the world.
	They do a lot of good even just amongst their friends, you know.
	I remember them, you know, never speaking to someone ever again because they cheated on this wife or getting in fights at parties because someone had disrespected, you know, their husband or some other big deal.
	You know, there was always a sense of justice and honor and courage and loyalty in my family.
	And I admire them for that.
	And that's probably why their marriage lasted so long.
	So, my mom's a bitch, my dad's an asshole.
	Assholes need bitches.
	Bitches need assholes.
	And the world Needs, bitches, and assholes to survive.
	They're sort of like social entrepreneurs.
	Instead of starting a business, they're sort of correcting the free market of social behavior and preventing people from butting in line and being jerks.
	And sometimes they would have to shoot them, and if they were to shoot them, they would be wearing a We The People holster from WeThePeopleHolsters.com, where they have perfectly molded holsters using cutting-edge technology, where it's sort of heat-sensitive, it's heat-molded to these guns, and they're $34.
	If you go to WeThePeopleHolsters.com and use the passcode GAVIN, you can get them for $24.
	And they can also put anything you'd like on them.
	Get a penis on the side if you want.
	I think you should get me.
	Just my face on the side with no text or no explanation.
	Just my face.
	Or you know what would be funny?
	You get a picture of your hip and then like a close-up and then you scan that and so now it's the same as your hip skin.
	So it would you know from far away no one would be able to see because it's skin color.
	Even if you ever put a mole on there too if you want maybe a zit.
	And these things are so stiff, by the way, you can take them out and re-holster them, take them out, re-holster them.
	They're not floppy.
	You can adjust the cant in the ride, too, which is great for us chubby chaps.
	That's the angle that it goes into your body.
	You skinny puppies, you can just sort of put it in the front of your pants, it feels comfortable.
	That's not comfortable for us tubby chaps.
	The holster gets in the way.
	But yeah, wethepeopleholsters.com.
	Get it customized.
	It's a tight, so fit, it will make you leave your wife.
	So, I was also going to say during the speech that I can say this because I'm half bitch, half asshole, and then I was going to talk about my mom, and when her brother and her mother died, she went through a rocky time.
	My brother wasn't very kind towards the end there, and I was going to say, Mom, you bitch, I want you to know what you have.
	Two bitch assholes and an asshole who have your back till, not just till we die, but until after we die.
	Because we'll instill great stories into our kids about what wonderful parents you are and what bucolic childhoods we had and how we really appreciate your tough love throughout the years.
	Anyway, that's all I gotta say about my folks and how much I admire them.
	I didn't like him when I was a teen, I gotta say that.
	And my dad always says, you can be friends with your children when you're young or when you're old.
	I chose old.
	And it's true.
	I don't think my kids like me.
	I'm the bad guy.
	I'm the one who turns off the TV and takes the video game stuff away, but that's my role, and I'm happy to do it.
	I just hope we're friends when they're 25.
	Please check out my show, Get Off My Lawn.
	It's a daily vidcast, I guess you'd call it, and it is Monday to Thursday, One week, and then it's Monday and Tuesday the next week because every second week I shoot a bigger show that's like a red-eye type talk show with a panel and game shows and a halftime guest and we go through videos and it's all very silly and pop-cultury.
	It's not, we don't parse the politics of the IRS.
	We talk about Kim Kardashian's jewelry.
	And who farted?
	And that's also on CRTV.com and you also get Mark Levin, Steven Crowder, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, Kurt Schilling, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, has a sports show on there now.
	They just keep accruing new people and they're not beholden to advertisers so we can say whatever we want.
	Talk about how fat people have a serious problem, which you can't do on Fox because that's their market.
	You can't criticize Big Pharma on most TV because that's their number one client.
	I'm happy to criticize Big Pharma and recognize their role in the opioid crisis.
	And it's fun.
	It's fun being free of shackles and chains and advertisers.
	So that's at CRTV.com.
	So that's two shows.
	And then, of course, this podcast will always be free.
	I said to the bosses soon, should I just quit doing this?
	It's hard.
	It takes a long time.
	And it's free.
	And they go, no, it's good for the show.
	Please keep doing it.
	Plus, I think it's nice to be able to swear.
	I don't swear on the CRTV thing.
	So you can watch it with your kids.
	Or at least listen to it with your kids in the car.
	It's much less gross than than this show.
	Alright?

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