Get Off My Lawn #61 | Has everybody lost they damn minds?
I start out talking about this new trend of yelling at Trump supporters for no other reason than you’re a mental patient. I went through it recently at a baseball game and it’s not scary or shocking. It’s just weird. Like when a homeless person zeroes in on you for some crazy reason. Then, I get into people picking fights with someone they couldn’t possibly take. Most of us learned not to do this at an early age but today’s youngsters want to throw down with people who would happily eat them for breakfast. Finally, I start talking about dealbreakers men have when it comes to women’s beauty. Outside of morbid obesity, there is one doozy we just cannot bend on. See if you can guess what it is (no it’s not a penis, you weirdo).
You know, I was just at I forget, oh yeah, I was at a Proud Boys meetup, and I had just had lunch with Milo.
And it was a very sexist lunch, by the way.
And we were talking about how we're about, I'd say like eight out of the ten people who recognize me like my work and admire me, and then two hate my guts.
And the two are such cowards that they don't come over and say anything.
They just seethe.
And the eight come over and they take a selfie.
In a way, I prefer the seethers.
I don't know.
These fucking selfies.
What are you doing with the selfie?
Does it become your Facebook profile?
Why?
We're not friends.
I don't know you.
I don't understand pictures with celebrities.
I was near a celebrity.
Celebrities walk down the street.
So James Gandalfini probably passes like 3,000 people a day.
You're one of those 3,000 people that particular day throughout his whole life.
That means it couldn't mean less.
Like he could be a Sri Lankan tourist that was next to him.
So is the person a god?
Sounds very egotistical, but I'm kind of saying the opposite of big ego.
I'm saying, I'm not special, so why do you need a fucking picture of me?
Ann Coulter says that.
She goes, my worst enemies are my fans because they ruined, you know, talks and stuff.
I'm supposed to line up and pose with photos.
What are we, Aboriginals?
Like, I want to get a piece of your soul.
And I'll tell you what, it kind of does chip away your soul.
Maybe I believe the Hundu Kubu tribe of Papua New Guinea, where they thought you shouldn't have your picture taken because it takes away part of your soul.
I think they might be right.
Because you go to something like CPAC or one of these events and you do, or that night of freedom with Mike Cernovich.
I did a terrible speech at the end.
And I think it's because I was just like usurped.
Same with, actually, same with the Tommy Robinson thing in the UK where I did a terrible speech.
I had done like a million selfies.
Milo's speech was good.
He hid in the tent.
But anyway, right after saying we're on the side of the people who have the courage to come over and say hi and they're on the side of the seethers, the seethers got that message through the cosmos and have said, I'm not just seething anymore.
Now I'm going to make a fucking idiot of myself and scream hysterically.
So I think I already told you, or I did on my show, Get Off My Lawn at CRTV.com about this weird-looking dude.
He's Jewish.
I think he's probably Mexican.
Jewish and Mexican.
And then I would assume the Mexican dad peaced out.
Actually, yeah, his dad's name's Jeremy.
His name's Ben Faulding.
His dad's name's Jeremy.
So the new dad is probably the stepdad.
And so he's a beige Jew.
I think pretty orthodox.
And he looks like the fat Jewish.
But as a little side note, I think this guy recognized, I've seen this before with some dudes where they have some beigeness in them, so they call themselves black.
I personally, and I have no evidence of this, do not believe that he's black, besides the Jeremy dad.
I think he's just beige, calls himself black, and then makes that the thing.
And I saw some article we wrote.
He wrote svartza on his forehead and said, shvartza doesn't mean black in the Jewish community.
It means nigger.
So if you're not black and you write nigger on your forehead, you are really going for it.
That's why, like with Sean King, I almost admire him for the hubris.
Because I've heard Sean King in interviews say, you know, in high school, a lot of these niggas was saying that I'm blacker than them.
That's out of a Steve Martin movie.
The jerk.
I mean, it's one thing to dress up in blackface.
It's the other thing to go on a hip-hop show and tell you what a lot of these niggas have been talking about.
Can you imagine the balls?
I always wonder with Sean King.
You know, that time where you're just falling asleep and you think crazy thoughts and sometimes you get super paranoid and like, what if my house was made of melbatoast?
What if it's not even a house?
What if it was built the day before I bought it as a joke and I got ripped off?
And then, you know, the next morning, or you have these two sort of as you're waking up and then you have coffee and a piece of cold pizza and you go, what the hell was I just thinking?
But when Sean King, Talcom X, has those late night thoughts, does he just go, what the fuck?
Am I out of my goddamn mind?
Have I lost my goddamn mind?
I wonder.
That's what I don't get about lying.
It must be so exhausting.
Like Sean King is the same as you being a cowboy.
So you get up right now, you get on a plane, you head to Dallas, drive out for a little bit, couple hours, put on some boots, a hat, and you just go, a lot of these cowboys say I'm more cowboy than they ever been.
I mean, A, you're worried about someone Googling you or, and they already found pictures of Sean as a kid, and he's white as a piece of bread.
I was going to say toast, but toast gets pretty brown.
So one, you're worried about people going, yeah, you know that guy who come down talking about randling cattle and kept getting the terms wrong?
Doesn't know how to shoot a gun?
I heard he's a city slicker.
So you're worried about that, A, but B, you know, I do funny accents sometimes to amuse my friends.
After doing a Scottish accent for about an hour, your mouth hurts.
Like, it's not comfortable.
Even when I'm in England sometimes, I get so sick of their fucking accents.
I'm not talking about one in particular, just different accents, that I have to go into the bathroom of the pub and look at myself in the mirror and go, hello, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.
This is a normal accent.
Here's someone saying that something should be printed right now.
Oh, we're out of printer ink.
Let's get a new printer cartridge.
Here is normal talk, normal talk.
But Sean King is just, well, that's a little, my black accent is about 30 years too old.
Sean King talks about these fine foxy mamas.
Yeah, I'm a pimp.
No, he's like, yo, basically, he does that thing that some black guys do where they try to sound more erudite than they are.
And it's like, if you will, we are trying to set up a situation where the, there's like, remember that debate that what's his name did with Jordan Peterson?
And he does all this stupid, weird preacher talk where he's like, we are basically systematically trying to re-guiltify what is happening in our society today.
And Jordan Peterson, I look across at you and I see an angry white man who is scared of his surroundings.
And I'll tell you what, I will surround you.
I will envelop you.
I will change you with my words.
You go, that would sound cool with a beat, but I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
You're going to hug me?
That's the kind of Black Boy Sean King does.
Anyway, this guy, Ben Faulding, who screamed at me and a bunch of kids at a kids' baseball game at Coney Island where it was sponsored by Paw Patrol.
Milo's writing about it and it was on big league politics, if you want to look it up.
I think, it's just my guess, that he's a Hispanic guy, Jewish guy, pretending to be black, writing about what it's like being a black American, black Jewish American, yo.
I'm basically Lenny Kravitz, and rain is coming down upon me.
Anyway, that is indicative of a big pattern we've had this week with all these people.
I know I'm getting political, but I don't have a funny story, so I'll stick to that.
And this kind of is a funny story, like the whole shame, shame, shame.
They chase Sarah Huckabee Sanders out of the Red Hen, and then Trump goes, your awnings look like shit.
Meryl Streep's cousins, I believe, are in the restaurant.
And now we're hearing today that the owner followed her out of the restaurant and then harassed her all the way to another restaurant.
See, the thing is, their right to do that if the person they're chasing was on his or her way to committing genocide.
So they make this Bigfoot boogeyman, like, hi, I'm a Nazi and I'm planning a holocaust, obviously, involving Jews, gypsies, clowns, gays.
I'm going to use the Jacob Javits Center to gas them all.
So if that archetype actually existed, and I want to kill Mexican children and I want to separate them from their families and put them in internment camps, okay, you got a point if that archetype existed.
And not only does it not exist, but as I've said on previous shows, even the concept of it existing is fucking insane.
It's mental.
So it's kind of like, it goes back to this sort of evangelicals.
Like, I actually know this guy.
He's not a bad guy.
He's kind of a fun guy to hang out with, but he's a preacher in Harlem.
I had him on my old show.
And he thinks Obama made AIDS in the government made AIDS to, and gays.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Obama made homosexuals.
Now, I don't know if they're robots or what.
He made them to ruin black families by making black men become gays.
That's what Obama's up to.
This is a black guy saying that.
That's the same kind of realm you're in.
Or this idea of, I want to hunt cops.
You know what?
If cops were just like, hey, Enos, you want to go out and shoot some Negroes?
Yeah, let's do it, boy.
Let's get them.
I'll get in the bushes.
And when they go into a store, just fucking peg them off.
Okay, that's fucked up.
Some cops just shot your dad for sport?
I understand you fighting back.
You're describing, by the way, Venezuela or China.
There are situations where the police have that kind of power and they do corrupt it.
When I was last in China, there was a journalist who wrote about police brutality and how bad it's getting.
They beat her to death.
So that archetype does exist somewhere and it makes sense to fight back.
But you got the wrong guys.
And they always say, I don't debate genocidal maniacs or I don't debate cops who hunt people.
There's no use to debate you.
There's no use in free speech because your speech is hate speech.
And you keep going, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not sitting there saying, I want to defend my imminent genocide.
I'm saying, I'm not doing that.
You got the wrong guy, and that guy doesn't exist.
That's what the debate would be.
But they don't get that.
They've brainwashed themselves into thinking that white supremacists, which is a remarkably bizarre belief, you know, white supremacists and Nazis, not just Nazis too, not just like a crazy guy who wears the uniform that he bought on eBay or something.
Oh, I don't think he can buy them on eBay.
Who had his Nazi uniform made.
They mean like plausible, powerful Nazis who will be starting World War III.
Especially comedians.
Have you heard Judd Appetow talk about this?
And Kumanji Nanji Janji?
Kumal Nanji Anji Yanji?
They won't shut up about it.
It's really fucking mental.
So they make this person, like Sarah Huckabee Sanders, into whatever Hitler's wife was, Frida Hitler Pants, and Eva Braun, that was it.
And then they feel justified and moral chasing them down the street and screaming, shame, shame, shame.
That chick, Pam Doodaldo, I'm not very good with names, am I?
Pam Beta?
I think she's a Florida Attorney General.
She was going to see Mr. Rogers.
And the documentary about him that's out now that I hear is really good, by the way.
I still haven't fucking seen upgrade thanks to my wife not getting her shit together.
And now it's only playing at like the most disgusting, dangerous theaters out in the Bronx at 11 p.m.
So that's off.
Now I got to wait for on-demand, which will be a million years.
But I hear it's a good documentary.
They chase her out and they go, shame, shame.
And she says, what would Mr. Rogers think about you?
Yeah, Mr. Rogers would hate her.
And then she goes, you want to take away universal health care for people with pre-existing conditions?
Isn't that a kind of a nuanced thing to holler at someone?
It used to be rapist, rapist.
We hate the rapist.
You're a rapist.
Now it's, you don't support an insurance plan that is a little more benevolent, though alarmingly expensive and potentially cost prohibitive.
Bitch, I don't know what the fuck is going on, to be honest.
But they like choosing the weak, they like choosing women, they like choosing gays, they like choosing people with kids who are on the other side of the security fence, in my case.
But you can keep rolling that dice.
Actually, this isn't a new thing.
You remember Black Lives Matter was going into brunches and screaming at people having brunch because they were having brunch, and I guess brunch is built on slavery or something.
I'm just toiling in them fields, cutting down them eggs.
Oh, wee oh, cutting up that bacon, making that breakfast for 400 years from now.
Hope the eggs are still good.
Uh, waiter, yeah, these eggs are 400 years old.
Uh, they're cryogenically frozen.
They're literally fossils.
So, yeah, I'm not eating.
But slaves built them.
Oh, okay, I'll eat them.
This is a common thing.
It's sort of cyclical, isn't it?
Like, they were really nuts with BLM, and we're really just back to the brunch thing.
And it won't last very long.
It'll last, uh, I'm gonna give it five more days.
Remember the kids thing?
Kids are being separated from their children because Trump made it illegal to cross the border.
No, that was Bill Clinton.
He's just enforcing the law, which is why we elected him.
Don't bring your kids across the border.
And those aren't your kids, by the way.
Those are kids you borrowed because you heard that you get away with it if you have kids, because that's what happened with Obama.
And then he goes, fine, I won't take the kids.
And then they just dropped it.
That was like a two-day mania fare.
This booing and screaming at everyone, middle-aged women going to get a sandwich with their dad, this will be gone in a couple days.
Although I am starting to read with a lot of the, the more beta the blogger is, the more impassioned his manifesto is about how we have to fight back against the bourgeoisie and burn their mansions to the ground and take their wealth and give it to the proletariat.
Yeah!
God, you can always tell how little experience someone has with violence and fighting by how violent and fighty they talk.
Conversely, when someone is nice, gulp, be scared.
If there is a gang and they're called the crybabies, you should shit your pants.
If there's a gang and they're called Death Tiger, you can relax.
They're probably cartoonists from Rhode Island who are hipsters and they're in a band.
The Mama's Boys, scary fucking dudes.
I am scared of the Mama's Boys.
I don't think they even exist.
But the crybabies will eat your face.
They'll stab you and they don't care if they go to jail.
I've been talking to some cops recently and they go, shit is going down.
They said all this like fuck the cops stuff has led to a lot less policing because people don't want to get sued and fine, you don't want me here.
I won't come here.
Like this outside of Chicago.
The reason the crime is so bad there is because they said, fuck the pigs, man.
Fucking stop and frisk.
We don't want you here.
And they went, okay, you try it.
Two murders a day.
Two.
In a town, I think it's a third of the size of New York.
I'm more at one a day.
And then we just had the Trinitarios, this Dominican gang, rip a kid, who wanted to be a cop, by the way, rip a kid out of a bodega and chop him up with machetes because they thought he was in a porn with a Trinitario chick.
And then they go, oh, sorry, wrong guy.
And then they brag about it on social media, going, fuck you, pigs.
You won't catch me.
So the police just caught them all and arrested them.
By the way, I'm not disparaging the Trinitarios in any way.
I don't disparage gangs.
See, that's the thing.
Like these lefties, they go, we're going to fuck you up, bitch.
And then you meet them in public and they start shaking.
Especially women, like this woman.
I've been yelled at twice now.
And by the way, at that baseball game, I had the other 90% of the people coming up, shaking my hand, love what you're doing.
I even signed an autograph, which I fucking hate, on a broke, a ripped envelope.
What are you going to do with that, dude?
Sell it on eBay.
It must be worth a fortune.
I have a signed ripped envelope from Gavin McInnes.
I'll sell it to you for, I don't know, can you send me a stamp?
And then when that guy gets it, what are you going to do?
Put it in a nice frame?
Oh, that'll look great.
So yeah, like nine, I think there was 10 people that confronted me there, and nine were great.
And then one was the lunatic screaming at the kids and then running away.
But the other time was at an airport in London.
And I fetishized the sort of mod skinhead culture of the early 80s.
And so I had been shopping till I dropped.
And I had Slim Fit Brutus, and I had Dennis the Menace kind of beano clothes.
I had new Doc Martin shoes without the stitching.
You can't wear stitching after 30, by the way.
And I had black Harrington.
And so I looked to them.
To me, in the context of America, it's like, what's this weird British look?
But in Britain, to someone who grew up petrified of the National Front, which is what skinheads became like in the later 80s.
So they go, oh, no, it's that guy from the documentary about the National Front.
And you can tell by their accent, of course, that they're rich.
They always give themselves away.
And she goes, that guy's a Nazi.
And he starts taking pictures.
Again, I'm with my fucking kids.
And I go over to her and I just go, what's the issue here?
I take a picture of her and her boyfriend.
I think I've told this story like yesterday.
Sorry about that.
And he can't move.
And she says, you're making a woman cry.
And I just said, what's the issue here?
Is there a sentence I said?
Or is there something I've done?
Like, what set you off?
Where do you get this allegation from?
You're making a woman cry.
And then she called security.
I didn't even touch her.
And that really sums up the left, right?
They're like, we're going to throw down.
Or you see Atifa going to beat up proud boys like Tiny Toetse from Samoa.
And he just destroyed, like, he punches them, sends them down, and you can see them on the ground going.
And you realize, oh, that's your first punch.
Because we've all had our, well, I shouldn't say we've all had, but you, anyone who's had their first punch goes, oh yeah, it's a wake-up call.
Then you go, oh, yeah, there's consequences for my actions.
I remember vividly calling this kid Marty Farty Marty when I was maybe eight, and he was riding a unicycle, which believe it or not was cool in 1978.
And he got out off his unicycle and just chased me, caught me, and pounded me in the head.
And I went, oh, you can't just yell shit at random dudes that are way older than you, even if it rhymes with fart.
Well, that's a wake-up call.
And I don't think this generation has got it.
The way these women behave.
Like someone who was harassing a friend of mine, trying to get him fired.
And I had my lawyer track her down.
And he said, you're going to be monetarily responsible for this if you get him fired for the rest of your life.
And the way we'll calculate it is how long you would have worked there.
She starts crying, gets her parents involved, shuts down her social media.
I mean, this is the part I don't get.
Like, you go up to someone, you slap them, you're going to get slapped back.
Like when these, I'm sorry to keep repeating myself because I talked about this on the show, but you show up to a fight with a baseball bat.
Okay, now we're in the baseball leagues.
Like this tiny little skinny Asian girl called for Steven Crowder to be firebombed.
Okay, so now you can, we can call on you to be firebombed, you realize?
Like when you say harass this person's family, we're going to find your family and harass your family.
Things don't happen in an abyss.
They don't happen in a vacuum.
How can you not know that?
Stop harassing me just because I said you should be harassed.
Stop punching me just because I punched you.
It's like my kid the other day, he said, would you eat a spider if I dared you?
And I said, yes.
You're not a tarantula, although, actually, well, let me get to that in a second.
I said to him, yes, but you realize that now you're in the dare zone, and I can dare you to eat a tarantula.
It's like you're joining a gang called the dare gang.
You don't just get to sit on a throne and go, hey, you, eat a spider.
I magically dare you with no repercussions.
Sorry, dude.
It's like jackass.
You know, they kick someone in the balls, Johnny Knoxville and those boys.
They get kicked in the balls.
They're always kicking each other in the balls.
Johnny Knoxville's sperm, by the way, all the little fish, the little individual sperms through a microscope, they all look like they just got beat up by a gang of skinnets.
And I believe it's for kicking in balls.
And I hadn't made my kids when I was hanging out with those guys, and I fucking, I would get so mad.
I'd say, don't you dare go near these fucking, these things are, you're killing babies.
And unlike the left, I don't advocate for that.
Thank you.
So yeah, there's a strange arrogance from these fuckers.
And it's based on a myth that Trump is Hitler and anyone who likes him is Hitler.
And it really is disturbing.
It's really fucking weird.
I don't get it.
It doesn't bother me.
I'm happy to fight.
But the thing I don't get is I call them crazy ex-girlfriends.
We've all had ex-girlfriends that went crazy.
And it's usually like two months.
I dumped this girl who was mental.
I actually, we sort of got together when I was on ecstasy, and I thought she was a lot prettier than she was and a lot more interesting.
We had this super romantic night, and then it was long distance and stuff, and then I got to know her, and I noticed she was kind of balding.
That's a pretty serious deal breaker, ladies.
There's a lot we can tolerate.
Droopy tits?
Yeah, okay.
Slight gunt?
Hmm, I'll talk to my people, but I'm sure we can work something out.
Zero ass, no ass at all.
Most Asian girls I dated.
Um, you know what?
I'll just take a break from asses.
I'll go on ass lent.
Cankles?
Well, do they go away when you wear heels?
Yes.
Okay, so not 100% cankles 100% of the time.
No, just 98.
Well, then fine.
I'll just thoroughly enjoy that 2%.
It's like a friend of mine was dating this girl, and he said, yeah, I don't know if it's going to work out.
I think it was, what was her name?
She's famous now, Alex Brown or something?
Alex something.
She's a new lady on CNN with very thick hair, by the way.
I kind of just gave it away.
And he goes, I don't know if I like her.
And I'm like, why?
Dude, what's the problem?
You should fucking marry her.
She's smart.
She's interesting.
She's hot.
And he goes, and I go, tell me the problem.
And he goes, well, first of all, she doesn't smoke and I smoke.
Oh, I'm scared.
You got to go outside to smoke.
No one, even smokers, if a couple are smokers, they should smoke outside.
You don't want your fucking house reeking of cigarettes.
The walls go yellow.
Yeah, I guess, well, she's kind of snobby.
Like, she went to brown.
I don't fucking, who doesn't like a girl because she's too fancy?
That's fucking gay.
That's all you got?
That's the best you got so far?
And he goes, well, her hair's thinning really bad.
And my comeback to that was...
Mm-hmm.
Like, that's...
Racially, we don't really give a shit.
We can work anything out.
Some guys will have weird little things, like, I don't like big areolas.
And then the other guys will laugh at him.
Like, oh, I don't like long toes or something.
So every guy has a little weird thing like that, like her teeth are too long or her forehead's too big.
That guy who has that little thing, no one shares it with him.
Everyone else laughs at him for that and makes fun of him and usually calls him a fact.
But that's usually a heavy deal break for that guy.
So you can never account for that.
It's almost like a dartboard.
So just ignore that, ladies.
Ignore that part.
But the one thing we do all agree on is when the hair is like you could take a pen and draw something in between the hairs, like a little tiny smiley face, or anything, really.
If you can write Johnny Rotten in between hairs, we gotta, we're out.
I'm sorry.
You can wear a hat and you can put a beret on it, but that is rough stuff, man.
And if that happens to you, you gotta go to Singapore or wherever they did.
Mike Barber said that the plugs they're getting now are so good that he can't tell.
This is a guy who stares at hair all day.
I know a guy, a gay guy.
I don't know if I should say his name.
It starts with the letter P and ends with the letter Eater.
They take plugs from the back of your neck and put them on the top of your head.
He looks great.
Looks perfect.
So there's no excuse, ladies.
I remember I went to see Sin City once.
You know that sort of cartoony movie with Bruce Willis?
It's super stylized.
It's like a comic book, and the black and white contrast is really pumped up when there's blood.
It's like blindingly red because everything else is black and white.
Really cool movie.
Spellbinding to look at.
It was at the back of this theater in Manhattan that was really steep.
I forget where it was.
But the woman in front of me, so I was like looking down on the woman in front of me.
If I passed out, my face would smash onto the top of her head.
Not the back of her head, the top of her head.
That's how sort of steep the seats were.
And she was going very fucking bald.
Very bald.
Like your friend bald.
Sort of the bald.
Have you noticed East Indians, Indian gentlemen, Pakistanis?
If you notice they tend to be predominantly bald, they seem to go bald and they seem to go a really bad bald.
Maybe it's the contrast of the black hair and the brown skin.
But they seem to have really shitty luck when it comes to going bald.
And for a long time, it's this sort of stringiness.
Anyway, that's what she had.
And I spent half the movie staring at her head.
I just thought, Jesus Christ, we're staring at not just our only deal breaker, but one of the worst examples of it in the history of man.
Who dates her?
How can she go out in public?
Like, she wasn't some old lady who had a big wart on her nose.
Oh, by the way, that's another one I don't really mind, but I don't get these women with giant warts and giant moles, like the kind that you could almost pull them off.
How can you not just have that taken off?
I mean, there's a weird thing there where, say you do that, like say your nose was as big as a computer and you go and get it fixed and then someone marries you.
Then your kids have these giant noses.
Haven't you deceived that man?
Isn't that fraud?
Because part of our attraction, and this isn't conscious, this is evolutionary, it's in our subconscious.
Part of our attraction to attractive people, male and female, is I'm going to make more beautiful people and we'll be beautiful and popular and we'll make the beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
That's why no one wants to fuck Danny DeVito, because they don't want some ugly little short bald kid.
But if Danny DeVito's on stilts and he's wearing a wig and then you breed with him and then a little ugly Danny DeVito comes out, you go, what the fuck is this?
You rip me off.
There was a story in China where a guy sued his wife for having so much surgery because he saw his ugly kid, his ugly daughter.
Oh, she must feel great about that lawsuit.
But everyone laughed it off and it was one of those funny stories.
A moose is in a swimming pool.
What the fuck?
But after the dust settled, I kind of went, there's kind of a philosophical argument there.
And someone told me this about Westchester in these fancy suburbs where everyone's in finance.
Everyone's rich and they marry like the hottest one they can.
And then the kids come out ugly or with a giant computer-sized nose.
And they go, what the fuck is with my daughter's nose?
And she goes, oh yeah, I forgot to mention.
I used to be a toucan.
I was actually the on the Fruit Loops box nude wearing wings.
And I guess they have a point too.
So anyway, to go back to the woman in the theater, I guess she should have, I guess she should have, I guess she should have gone and got plugs.
And then when she met a guy, I go, by the by, if we have a girl, she's going to have the most disgusting deal-breaker hair in the world and have trouble getting a guy.
And then she'll have to go.
Actually, isn't this the truth with these Long Island Jewish girls who like 80% seem to get nose jobs?
And then their daughters get nose jobs and their daughters get nose jobs?
I guess that's what happens, right?
I guess it's all a matter of degrees.
Depends how ugly the kids come out.
I was a fucking ugly baby, but then my dad's ugly.
I'm like a lot.
My mom was insanely hot when my dad married her, but kind of a bimbo.
I'm half super smart, ugly guy, and half kind of dumb bimbo, which is weird because you feel like a dummy all the time and people talk and you go, I don't know, I had breakfast with a billionaire the other day and he was talking about, you know, the future of millennial culture and evolution.
And there was a couple minutes there where I just heard meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, because I was like, this is smarty talk.
I'm in over my head right now.
That was the bimbo side.
But then other times people go, hey, what should we leave for a tip?
And you're like, $372 should be approximately $78.
And you don't know how you figured it out.
It just magically comes to you.
That was a gay little tangent.
But yeah, it's all relative.
And the daughters of millionaires look like half hot chicks and half ugly dudes.
Back to our sponsor, WeThepepeopleHolsters.com.
I'm getting my fucking concealed permit.
I can't believe it.
It's way easier out in the burbs than it is in Manhattan.
And in Manhattan, you feel like you're at a class called How to Fuck Eva Mendez.
And you're just like, this is, I get it all.
And, you know, you talk to her and you buy her flowers or whatever, and you show up to like her premiere, but it's never going to happen.
But this is like how to fuck the girl next door when she's super drunk and you guys have been getting along great and she's lonely and you're not ugly.
You're like, I think I can pull this off.
Although some of the classes, man, this is all, by the way, part of my we the people holsters read.
So it all counts.
They have adjustable cant, adjustable ride, which means how it fits in your pants.
I don't know anything about guns, but I'm learning a lot.
I'm going to get a revolver.
Some cops showed me these little tiny weightless ones.
I just want to shoot 22s.
I don't want to blow anyone's head off.
I just want them to become incapacitated.
Although, I think I'm going to get two handguns.
I'm going to get a brutal Clin Eastwood revolver for, what are the two types again?
Revolvers and pistols?
Yeah.
I'm going to get a brutal revolver for like the home invader to really take him down.
But then for concealed carry, I'm just going to have a little tiny one that fits in my back pocket that all the cops have.
I actually have it written down here.
Do you want to know what kind of gun I'm going to get?
WeThePeopleHolsters.com?
I'm going to get the Bodyguard 380.
Smith & Wesson.
I'm going to get Hornady Shells 380 Auto 9 GRFTX.
So these shells, they're not hollow point, but they have that kind of a design where they expand.
And that's not so much to kill the guy, but it's so it doesn't go through him and kill a kid.
So it's more about protecting someone else than murdering him.
But yeah, so WeThepeopleHolsters.com, if you go.com slash Gavin, you get $10 off their first holder, so that's $24.
Their holsters are $34.
They are custom-made holsters that use this special heat melding technology where the holster doesn't flop at all.
It's nice and stiff, but it's still molded to you.
Like a penis.
But I've noticed even like with cops when they show me their holsters, because having weed the people holsters and being new to all this, I'm learning that whole thing about being able to quickly re-holster.
A lot of cops have floppy holsters that don't look that aerodynamic.
Not aerodynamic, but that don't look that like sharp, I guess is the word I'm looking for.
They can customize this with various designs.
Let me just read one line because I go off in total tangents here.
I have no idea if they're happy with this or not.
So I'll just do one line to totally seal the deal before we end this.
Fellas, you have to conceal your carry with the WeThepeopleholsters.com.
They are customized in style and fit, including being able to adjust cant and ride, which fatties like us, that's very helpful.
Believe me, it makes for a tight so fit you leave your wife.
Leave your wife.
Yeah, I think we're out of time, guys.
That was a fun hang.
The moral of the story today is that I totally get violence.
I mean, I've hung out with soccer hooligans.
They see the fun in it.
And it is fun fighting.
You know, it's fun to challenge yourself.
It's fun to go into the unknown and say, am I going to win this fight?
Am I going to lose it?
It's going to feel cool if I'm victorious.
I'll feel great if I lose, too.
The only time you feel bad is if you pummel some innocent person that didn't deserve it or you choose, you didn't pick on someone your own size and you just annihilated him and you totally humiliated him in front of his girlfriend.
That doesn't feel good.
But as Kyle Chapman says, justified violence feels really good.
And you're always surprised at yourself.
And I'll tell you what, there's nothing worse than a situation where you should have been violent and you didn't.
It will eat you up for the rest of your life.
I got beat up by Nazi skinheads in 1988.
And this is in my book, Death of Cool.
A giant Indian man who looked like he was out of that book when flew over the cuckoo's nest.
He showed up out of nowhere.
And he said with that inimitable native Canadian accent, hey, is everything okay here?
And I said, yes.
That yes, this was fucking 30 years ago.
And that yes still bothers me sometimes at night.
Why the fuck did I say yes?
I should have said, no.
We got to kick these guys' asses, dude.
Let's go back to back.
Oh my God, I'd be telling my grandchildren that awesome story about how me and Don Cherokee mankiller aho beat the living shit out of 12 skinheads.
How cool would that have been?
Nope.
I just said, no, everything's fine.
I'm totally great.
Ugh.
And I'm not the first person to say that.
Talk to any man and he will...
I was trying to write down all the fights I've had for this other show, and it was sort of like writing everyone you've had sex with.
You go, oh yeah, no, there was that.
It was Amanda's friend, too.
I ended up fucking her when she went away to Vancouver.
So that's two right there on that one trip.
Now, I couldn't possibly write them all down now because I'd get carpal tunnel syndrome.
But same with fights, all the ones, I sort of won that one.
You could say I won that one.
And then they're a blur.
And sometimes your friend will remind you one and you go, oh shit, yeah.
Yeah, that ended up becoming a fight, didn't it?
But with the fight where you should have fought and you didn't fight, oh my God, it is engraved in steel on a plaque on your wall in the I'm a pussy hall of fame.
So guys, if there's a situation where you should be violent, some ladies getting accosted, just pick yourself up by the scruff of your neck.
Don't ninja it.
You're not going to be Chuck Norris.
And just throw yourself in there.
Put your hands on the back of your back and shove yourself in there and go, do it, pussy.
And maybe it'll only last three seconds.
You have to have done something.
And even if he beats the crap out of you, that's fine.
Which, of course, we see in the trailer for upgrade, where he lets the computer take over because he's losing and then he kicks the guy's ass.
Maybe that's the only thing you regret more than not justified violence, not fighting someone you should have fought, is when upgrade was in theaters and you just let it drift away to the ghetto and now you have to wait for fucking on-demand.
Folks, please go to CRTV.com and register for my two shows, Get Off My Lawn and CRTV Tonight with Kevin McInnis.
We have a special July 4th episode coming up on July 6th, all doted to the bonny old US of A. I had a kind of an epiphany.
I don't want to give away my monologue.
But Kurt Schiller is going to be on the show.
But my epiphany I had was the Americans didn't kick the British out in 1776.
The English kicked the English out.
Politics is two types of people.
People who want to be left alone and people who won't leave them the fuck alone.
The first group said, you know what?
Fuck this.
We got away.
We rode 3,000 miles to get away from the king and the queen and I'm still sending her my paycheck?
No.
So in a way, it's similar to Trump in that they decided to drain the swamp.
They decided to say, fuck the government.
Let's blow it all up.
See, people see Trump as the establishment.
The reason he's getting so attacked is because he's not the establishment.
The media is the establishment.
The old GOP, the old conservatives.
That's why he's so hated in D.C., by the way.
I only learned this after going there every week.
Of course, liberals hate him because they're stupid.
But the Republicans hate him too because he's firing them all.
So people in D.C., they've been relying on the swamp to pay their mortgage.
They hate his guts.
The right in D.C., the establishment right, despises him.
