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June 22, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
54:40
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #60 | It must be weird to be gay

This was supposed to be about how weird it is to be gay but I went off on a tangent about some jerk who peed all over the toilet seat in Montreal and I sat on it. How are we, in a modern Western society, having to wash stranger’s pee off our butt cheeks and legs?

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It must be weird to be gay.
It's literally weird.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's weird to be an albino.
And it's weird to be super tall.
Fuck.
I hate people who meet tall people.
I've said this a lot.
Stop asking them how tall they are, and stop asking them if they play basketball, alright?
They already have a huge handicap.
And that doesn't involve pussy, by the way.
Those guys get insanely late, so don't feel bad for them.
But they're always ducking under things, and they're always slouching so they can get down to people, and at parties, they tend not to talk to people because you have to crane your neck to look at them.
Um, but asking them how tall they are.
Ew, I'm 6'7".
That's so boring.
I hate you.
It's like when people say, what do you do?
Don't ask that.
I've had friends where I don't even know their fucking name.
My wife will go, oh, you went out with Willie again, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does he have kids?
I don't know.
Is he married?
I don't know.
I barely know his name.
I don't know his last name.
Like, stick to the story.
Stick to the interesting thing you guys are talking about.
Hey, squirrels are weird.
Or another interesting thing, it must be weird to be gay.
Remember Shane Smith advice, we used to talk about how weird it must be to wake up in the nook of a man's shoulder?
You know, like, you know how a woman rarely want to do this with me, and I say women plural, but I guess I mean my wife, but I remember even in my single days, I loved the idea of a woman with her head like under my arm, sleeping like on my peck, you know what I mean?
Um, and they never seemed comfortable.
They'd do it for a little bit and then be like, yeah, I'm gonna go lie down over there, like on the other side of the bed where I can really catch some serious Z's.
But I always wanted a woman, like, in my nape.
Um, but it must be weird to be a homosexual and to just, ah, just...
Wake up on a guy's back just like snuggled just snuggling with a dude just and then it gets even weirder when we get into the sexuality where you're lying on your stomach I presume and a man puts his penis into your butthole.
And he's just going at it, you know, reaming away and you're just like, this is awesome.
Keep on hurting my, my anal lips.
Keep on, keep on making me uncomfortable.
Like at least with women, I assume after maybe the first like, you know, 10 pumps, I assume it feels pretty good.
Like itching a scratch, scratching an itch.
But with men, I don't, I can't see how that's pleasant.
And I think that's a normal instinct all heterosexual men feel.
And as Adam Carolla points out, it's surprising there isn't more homophobia in the world because these guys do such a weird thing.
And we're all like, whatever, that's your cup of tea.
We don't want you banished.
But it is fucking unusual.
And I was also thinking, as a woman, it must really suck to have sex with someone you're not into.
Because their weird little skinny boner, that's like a weird man-made thumb, is going in and out of your body in a very, you know, dangerous, secretive area.
That's going in and out of you.
That must feel Very invasive.
Like, the thing about being a dude and fucking someone you're not into is you're just like... It's just like poking a swamp.
You're just like... pushing at the mildew.
That's okay.
That doesn't really put you out.
But having a stranger go in and out of you... I mean, that's a real sort of... passport.
You know what I mean?
That's a real give.
Oh, these fuckers with their chatting.
Unbelievable.
Am I going to have to go out there again?
Alright, we've got silence.
I swear to God, the next time that happens, I'm going to lose it.
Can you not just shut up?
It's like my wife said about Bill Clinton when he had that Monica Lewinsky thing.
Can you not just keep it in your pants for one term?
One thing you gotta hand it to Obama.
He didn't have any sex while he was in office.
That's good.
Finally.
Thank God.
It can't be that hard.
I mean, that's what marriage is, right?
You gotta keep it in your pants.
The first year, when you have a kid, you're not getting laid, I'm sorry.
And when I see people who are divorced, who have young kids, I go, what was the beef?
Sorry, you didn't get enough pussy?
Like, what the fuck?
What's your problem?
Even Chris Pratt, everyone's all excited about him, the right, they're so happy to get scraps.
Oh, Kanye likes us.
I don't feel that way.
Chris Pratt is divorced.
If you're divorced, you're fucked up.
like them.
And Chris Pratt said, believe in God, yay, we're so happy.
Someone's cool is on our side.
I don't feel that way.
Chris Pratt is divorced.
If you're divorced, you fucked up.
No, but she's a crazy bitch, dude.
Well, why'd you impregnate a crazy bitch?
I'm I heard that about Louis C.K., and that was always my biggest beef with him, is that he said, divorce is cool.
He said, if you find someone who's divorced, you should flatter them.
You should say, oh, congratulations.
Because no one ever ends a good marriage.
They only end a bad marriage.
So when you see someone who's divorced, you say, thank God.
God bless you.
Which is, of course, a totally myopic, self-centered way to see the whole exchange and to totally ignore the fact that his fucking daughters are out a dad.
No, he's a great dad.
Yeah, he's a great dad 50% of the time.
He only sees them half the week.
Half the week they don't have a dad.
No, but his wife is a fucking, she's a crazy bitch.
Okay, I'll take your word for it.
But, um, why did you come in a crazy bitch?
The kids are like two when you got divorced.
What were you doing?
Oh, it was an accident.
No one's ever said that about Lucy Kay, by the way, but I'm just going off on a tangent now.
Other people go, no, no, she got pregnant and then he had to marry her.
Who comes in women by accident?
I've made three kids on purpose.
I've never gotten a woman pregnant.
No woman I know has ever had an abortion.
Condoms are broken, yes.
I have checked them before the final countdown.
And then if they're broken, I jizz on her butt.
Who are these guys who are just... Like Chris Cotton, he's a black comedian I had on my show a bunch.
We argued about this for hours.
For many different days.
It was kind of like our go-to fight.
He's super Christian, by the way.
Our other go-to fight was that I don't love Jesus enough.
That's a whole other ball of wax, but... His thing was like, no, I definitely, I have to come in a thing.
Whether it's a pussy or a mouth, it has to be in an area.
I can't just... And I'm like, what do you mean, can't?
That's like saying, I can only poo in a green toilet.
That's my thing.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
I'm sure it's more pleasant to go in an area, but can't?
So he, before him and his wife were ready to have kids, he would just use a condom and ejaculate into a condom.
Because it had to be in a pussy.
And I admire him, by the way.
He's never, you know, had a baby at a wedlock.
He's not a bad dad.
He's not a deadbeat dad.
He's a good person.
But I don't get that instinct where it just has to be in a thing.
It's not even that much better.
It's like 7% better.
So these guys who got divorced at a young age, I don't like them.
And we talk about racism and bias.
That's a bias way higher up my chart than anything else.
I don't care if you're a gay albino black guy.
I do care if you blew your marriage while your baby is still a baby.
And Chris Pratt did that.
No, but she asked for the divorce.
70% of the time, the woman is the one who instigates the divorce.
Eh.
That's your fault, too.
If you're in a marriage, you're driving the boat.
And if the boat gets caught on a rock, or there's a mutiny on the bounty, or Robert De Niro from Cape Fear jumps on and tries to burn your daughter's face off, that's all on you.
You're the guy.
So I guess I understand divorce at 20, when the kids are 20 years old, the kids are 18, sort of.
I mean, I guess that's not as bad.
But even then, the fuck?
Just figure it out.
And there's this myth, too, with divorce, where they go, oh, well, the older guys want to trade them in for a younger model.
You know the movie Husbands and Wives with Woody Allen?
Woody Allen's movie, Husbands and Wives.
I think it's my second favorite movie after Animal House.
But Judy Davis, at one point, she goes, men!
They love you till you show your age, and then they want to trade you in for a younger model.
That's not really been my experience.
Like, I know Anthony Cumia's dating basically a babysitter, but Anthony Cumia's brother's girlfriend is literally a grandmother.
My experience has been, and I'm not just talking about my friends, I'm talking about my parents' friends.
Because, you know, I grew up in the 80s when divorced dads would sleep on my couch.
And I remember when divorce began.
It was basically 1980, was the beginning of divorce.
And in Canada it was a big thing because Canadians have this whole, they have this like, I'm not taking anything for granted mentality.
It's pretty annoying.
Like imagine there was a new city like Atlantis or say we colonized Mars.
You know that that new colony on Mars would have things like, I'm going to wear three socks.
Two socks on one foot, one sock on the other foot.
Therefore, my right shoe is actually a size larger.
And it's much more comfortable.
You'd be surprised.
That's what Canadians do.
They're always reinventing the wheel.
Like Chester Brown has this graphic novel called Paying For It.
And it's beautiful, by the way.
He's one of the greatest cartoonists ever.
But his thesis is irritating, and that is, love doesn't exist.
Yeah?
Yeah, there's friendship that exists.
You love your friends, and you love women that are friends.
And then there's sex, and that's separate.
So prostitution, he's a huge prostitution advocate, which is a weird thing to be an advocate for.
It's kind of sad.
It's like being a masturbation advocate.
But he's super into prostitution.
And he did another book that's amazing that's about references to prostitution in the Bible, and he drew it, right?
And he makes a great case that the Bible is pro-prostitute, whatever.
But his hypothesis is that love doesn't exist, and then he ends up in real life, because he's an autobiocartoonist, we call him.
I was one, myself.
And they just tell the truth in their comics.
So it's like Batman, but it's you.
And in his comics, he has this prostitute that he uses for sex.
And guess what happens?
Lo and behold, he falls in love with her and ends up paying her to live with him.
And then it's called a wife, dude.
Like you pay her bills and she lives with you and you have sex with her and you don't want her fucking anyone else.
Yeah, you, in the attempt to devalidate marriage and tradition, you just recreated it.
We see this all the time with the far left, like, it's like a trans woman is having a baby in his stomach, and his wife, who's a man, is actually a cis male, but it's a woman, and then he drives, and you realize, yeah, you're just a couple.
Like I saw one, my wife, no, my husband is trying to have a baby and it's complicated.
And you look at the story and you realize your husband is just a fucking dude.
I mean, it's a chick with short hair and you are just a dude with long hair.
So it's a long haired dude married to a short haired wife.
So basically just the seventies.
Totally normal.
And yeah, you're trying to have a kid?
Best of luck, normal people.
So that's a thing with Canada is they're constantly trying to reinvent the wheel and blow people's minds, and it gets tedious.
And it's because they're a new country.
They got their flag in like 1980, their anthem around the same time.
They're still not even independent from Britain.
You know, Trump was in trouble recently for saying, didn't you guys burn down the White House in 1812?
And people go, that was Britain, dude.
Canada never really separated.
I think if you go to Wikipedia, the Queen is still the head of the state.
She's still on the money.
When I got my Canadian citizenship, being English, I was about eight years old, I think, and I had to pledge my allegiance to a giant oil painting of the Queen of England.
I had to look up at her and put my hand on my heart.
I knew it seemed important.
But, um...
Yeah, I wanted to make this podcast not about Canadians and politics, but about gays and the whole concept of sexuality and how different men and women are.
I mean, we pretend we're the same.
And some woman just punched Nick DiPaolo in the face, which I can't get over, because he's a tough guy from Long Island.
So if he had punched her back, she'd be dead.
And when he said, so the story, I don't know if you watch my show, Get Off My Lawn, but the story is, he's posing for pictures and he's shaking hands after his show.
And this dad comes up and says, great show, loved it.
Yeah, yeah, let me pose for a picture.
Let me get your face.
And as he says the word face, The man's daughter, Cold Clocks, BAM!
Really nails Nick.
She's a fat, feminist, 35-year-old in mismatched socks and Birkenstocks.
And she punches a Long Island Goomba in the fucking face.
Like, we're not equal, ladies.
We're so fucking different.
It's insane how different we are.
And if I punched you, you'd die.
So he says, well, I'm going to have to sue her, I guess.
Right.
And she she stuck around, by the way.
This is the weird part of the story.
The dad and the daughter stuck around the bar and had beers where Nick was.
And the dad was like, can we work this out?
And he goes, no, I'm suing you because I can't beat her up.
I'd love to beat her up.
That'd be much simpler.
And she starts bawling her eyes out.
This happened to me, by the way.
I was at the airport with my kids, who looked mostly Chinese, because Native Americans look Chinese.
And this couple's taking pictures of me and my kids.
And they go, he's a Nazi!
And I just do the Tommy Robinson where I walk over with my camera and I film them and I go, what's the issue here?
What's going on?
You have a problem with my family?
You're photographing my children?
And she goes, I swear to God, first of all, the man, and this happened with my dog shit story too, the man who started the whole thing and was taking the pictures, he completely shuts down.
Like, he's not aggro or not aggro.
It's like someone reached into his power pack and just shut him off.
He's catatonic.
His eyes look like Nancy Pelosi's, like a dead goat.
And he's just staring into the abyss.
And I'm sort of like, hey!
Hey!
Like, he can't see anything.
He's so... He's literally in a state of shock.
I've shocked him.
I'm getting pissed with this chatting in the other fucking room.
I'm getting mad.
Sorry about that.
And he's, he's, uh, it's hard to calm down.
This is what women don't get about men.
When we get mad, it takes a while to get un-mad.
Like, I'll hear a noise in my house, in the basement or something.
You know, we have a big house now.
We're in the burbs.
And I have several things by my bed.
I have a baseball bat, I have a machete, and I have a .30-06 Huntsman rifle.
So if it's like, and I hear talking, well now it's the rifle.
We're gonna blow some people's heads off.
If I hear like, Then maybe it's an animal or a teenager.
That's more of a baseball bat machete type of a thing, where you're just going to bonk someone in the head.
If it's a very, very slight sound, that might just be me.
And I sleep nude.
So it's weird to be walking around the house with a rifle, nude, with the scope on it and stuff, like ready to murder a Puerto Rican junkie teenager.
And that gets your heart going, especially when you don't have anything.
Like if it's the just ping-tiddling.
So you're walking around the basement, nude, ready to take a man down.
And he's probably armed.
So you're ready to fight someone in a knife fight, nude, and like put him to sleep.
That gets your heart going.
Because you're thinking about all the different moves you're going to do, and how am I going to get him down?
It's not just fear of your own body, too.
You're worried about your kids not having a father.
So when you fight, when you're a dad with kids, you're fighting for your children to have a future.
So you're like, I guess I'll bite his eyeballs?
I guess I'll rip his tongue out and shove it up his ass?
Is that what we're going to do?
So your heart is pounding!
And then you get downstairs and the dog knocked over a broom.
And you go, oh, that's what it was.
Okay.
So you get, you check all the doors.
Yeah, everything's locked.
And then you go back upstairs and you're just lying there in your bed with, you just left the MMA ring with Conor McGregor, like ready to fight to the death.
And you're just lying in bed going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Like, I'd need half a bottle of Makers and a blowjob to get to sleep.
And a joint.
And a vape.
But you can't do that.
So you just lie there with your heart pounding.
And that's like when women talk about domestic chores and we have to do all this stuff.
Yeah, I have to make sure the house works, the house is safe, the windows are all secured, the lawn is cared for, the garbage is out, and I have to make sure that I kill anyone who comes inside uninvited.
You're the security guard.
Most security guards, that's their only job.
They just sit there in that little booth making sure no bad guys come in.
At Jennifer Aniston's house they have, where I've stayed many times by the way, that's a whole other podcast, they have like these Israeli Krav Maga guys who their only job is to sit there in the little hut and you know monitor the property and make sure nothing untowards happens.
That's all dad's jobs.
Let me be clear here.
All dads have that as a job.
But it's one of many.
So we should maybe not have to do the fucking dishes all the time.
Anyway, so I go up to this couple.
And he is catatonic.
He's dead to the world.
It's like a possum or something that's been hypnotized.
And she starts freaking out.
And this black woman is behind her and she's rubbing her back.
Like, I feel like saying the black woman, why are you assuming she's right that I'm a Nazi?
Maybe she's fucking wrong?
And she's rubbing her back and the woman says to me, just go, just go!
You're making a woman cry!
That's what she said.
Just go, just go.
You're making a woman cry.
And that's sort of what goes on with this whole new thing of, like, men can't fight.
Men shouldn't be violent.
Men shouldn't be confrontational.
But women should be.
Women should bring baseball bats to rallies.
Heather Heyer should show up to Charlottesville to beat up a bunch of Nazis in leggings and flip-flops.
She's ready to take down whatever comes at her.
And she's gonna do a great job.
And so, the new narrative is that women should fight and men should not.
And when these women do, they come in with all guns blazing, ready to rock, and then you flick them in the nose and they have a heart attack.
I guess that was sort of like the guy at the airport, too.
He also had a heart attack.
But these girls show up at these rallies with, like, pink shields and pink baseball bats and pink helmets and they're the matching squad.
Lady, my buddy Aiden Gurt, who was a drummer for my band in the 80s, Eno Chinook, he's in Godspeed You Black Emperor now.
We were hanging out at this cafe called the EFAC cafe.
It was cafe backwards.
And skinheads were terrorizing us in the 80s, which is a whole other crazy story.
The reason there were so many skinheads is because there was the Canadian Jewish Anti-Defamation League, whatever the fuck they were called.
And they got this huge surge of income and the money was to try to fight the Nazi problem in Canada, which did not exist at all.
It was seven white bearded men in Calgary, Winnipeg, and Etobicoke.
So with the money, they got involved with CSIS, which is like the Canadian CIA.
And they started this thing called the Heritage Foundation.
And they would have pamphlets and rallies, all in an attempt to accrue the names of the Canadian Nazis.
But after one hour of work, you have all seven Canadian Nazis.
But they didn't have an hour.
They had 7,000 hours and millions of dollars.
So they ended up starting all these festivals and the Heritage Foundation and pamphlets and rallies to find the names, but they ended up creating the names.
So in the 80s, Nazi skinheads were everywhere.
At every show!
They would come and beat us up at our punk shows, and then they would beat up the band!
There was a band called SNFU that had an Asian singer named Chai Pig.
I remember in Ottawa, the Nazi skinheads got on the stage to fight the band!
Now, luckily, these guys are from, I believe, Calgary or Winnipeg or something?
One of those super hockey-centric cities.
So they're all huge brawlers.
So they were perfectly happy to fight anyone who had a problem.
This was back in the days when fighting was just like farting.
And they weren't remotely intimidated, which you wouldn't see today.
I mean, today you'd hear a band going, I got a rude tweet.
But yeah, they created a Nazi skinhead scene.
And you know what got rid of them?
There was a band in Toronto called BFG, a bunch of fucking goofs, and they just got in a school bus one day and they beat up all the Nazi skinheads in Toronto, all the Nazi skinheads in Ottawa, all the Nazi skinheads in Montreal.
Boom.
They were gone.
We never heard of Nazi skinheads ever again.
That's the beauty of violence.
Violence is a wonderful thing.
It's very healthy to be in a fight.
That's what my show is on tonight, CRTV Tonight.
We just shot it at a boxing gym.
Well, the opening we shot.
But it's good to be in a fist fight.
It revitalizes you.
It replenishes your masculinity.
And I know it's intimidating, but as my dad pointed out, you don't overthink it.
Just throw yourself in.
Pretend you left your body.
So take your soul out of your body and then just sort of turn it, push the forward button on your body and send your body into the fight.
Let it handle it.
Don't think about what moves you're going to do.
Just be like, bye body, you're fucked.
Fuck you, body.
That'd be a cool t-shirt.
Fuck you, body.
Um, and just subject yourself to it.
Now, fuck, I was going to talk about something involving that concept of the beauty of violence, but I fucking forgot.
Having a 47-year-old brain is just a curse.
And you get dumber and dumber as you get older.
I remember my dad will tell the same story.
Every time he tells a story I've heard, I go, oh, I'm familiar with that.
It's story 37B.
But I'm becoming that guy.
There was a horror movie when I was a kid in the 80s called The Beast Within, and this guy, you're a normal kid, and then you turn 18, and then you, the Beast Within comes out in you, and you're all of a sudden a monster, and then you go, you become invisible, And then you rape a woman, and then that woman gets pregnant, and she has a normal kid, and then when he turns 18, he becomes an invisible rapist.
And the movie's called The Beast Within.
I haven't seen it in about, literally, 40 years.
But, uh, it's a cool concept, and I feel that way, like I'm becoming my dad.
I am the Beast Within.
The Beast Within is out.
And I tell stories like 37B.
I went to fucking work last week in a three-piece suit with my briefcase.
The studio's closed.
We don't shoot a show on Friday.
I thought it was Thursday.
And I'm all like, ready for work.
Done all my prep.
Ready to rock, buster.
Why is the door locked?
Uh, because no one's in the studio on Fridays, dude.
Absolutely fucking ridiculous.
But yeah, the show tonight on CRTV Tonight is about the merits of violence, the joy of fighting, and how perfectly healthy it is, and how sad it is we got away from that, and the whole idea of calling the police all the time.
It's not good.
This idea of, you know, legislation and paperwork every time there's a conflict.
It's really unhealthy.
It's gay.
And I don't mean homosexual.
I actually... Millennials are sub-fag.
It's stupid to call anyone gay anymore.
Because gays... Like, my gay neighbor upstate, he built a chicken coop and then a bear got into it and ate all the chickens.
So he shot a bear.
And, you know, he built a pool.
He didn't have a lot of money.
He's a baker, so he got an overground pool, but he built a beautiful deck around it and it looks as good as an inground pool.
And he, he, you know, makes his own wine and he finishes his basement by himself.
Like, and then added a bathroom.
There's a bath down there with running water that's hot and cold and he did it all himself.
Totally alone.
With the cool, you know, plumbing is so cool now.
It's not plastic, it's this, well it is plastic, but it's like, you know, these malleable, almost like garden hoses.
That's what brings the water from A to B and you just, you just need a plumbing clamp to cinch it around the joint.
So there's no more, like, copper going everywhere.
It's just a bunch of garden hoses.
And then he puts insulation on that, puts some drywall down, ready to rock.
Am I gonna call that guy a fag?
That's not insulting.
Is he, oh, you gay lord finishing your basement with a giant clawfoot bathtub that works perfectly?
You fucking fag.
No.
Gays have ceased to be an insult.
Gays became more masculine than most men, and most men went way down below Gaylord.
And now, to call a millennial gay is a compliment.
They wish, they wish they could become gay.
They wish they could get fucked in the ass.
Actually, they do.
Actually, they don't have sex.
Like, we had this guy, Ben Ratner, the old producer at Compound Media, and he was a virgin, 24 years old, and totally fine with that.
I mean, I am trying to get on top of it, but it's been a while.
Well, it hasn't been a while.
It's been never.
You know, he went with a bunch of his friends, male and female.
Ben Ratner, I hope you're out there.
You can look him up.
Hideous Jewish guy.
Smart guy.
A good person.
But just, like, devoid of testosterone.
He goes to Disneyland with his friends, male and female.
This is at the age of 24.
Can you imagine, as a 24-year-old... That's when I started Vice, by the way.
Vice.
The word is bad stuff to do.
He went to Disneyland with males and females.
He didn't drink that much and there was no sex to be had.
Can you imagine you at 24 going to Disneyland with like four dudes and four chicks?
It was dudes and chicks.
We would be arrested, kicked out, in a great way I mean.
We would have snuck into a thing at night.
We would have broken some stuff.
We'd be in the haunted house or whatever it is.
After it was closed, would have hid in there, waited for the closing, snuck in bottles of booze, and then partied in like It's a Small World at four in the morning.
Oh my god, the hijinks!
I went on a Disney Cruise with my family and managed to get up to some hijinks, even with three kids and a wife sleeping in our cabin.
I don't recommend Disney Cruise, by the way.
It fucking sucks and everyone on there is incredibly lame and doesn't want to talk.
It's really, really lame.
Or even, we went on a holiday resort recently to, uh, shit, what's it called?
There's my shitty brain again.
It's, uh, it's done up like an Aztec thing, it's in Barbados or Bahamas or something, and it's like this, it's made up like a Indiana Jones discovered Aztec society, but it's a giant water park, and you stay at the hotel and you ride the slides and you line up forever.
Anyway, even there at 47 I managed to steal a pass and sneak down and go into the catacombs of the entire structure and ride around in a golf cart and check out all their little stations and the It said, there was this banner they kept having in the hallways and it said, Blow the customer's mind!
And everyone was freaking out because I was the only white guy down there.
And I had a dress shirt on so they thought it was staff, like management.
So I didn't have the courage to take my camera out, but I would love to get a picture of that because I could just crop it and say, Blow the customers.
But they have different divisions.
It was kind of cool, actually, how it was structured.
There was like team dolphin and that was these, this group.
And they handle like plumbing or whatever because there's tons of fish at this resort.
And sharks and shit.
So they got to maintain all this and there's a casino and stuff.
So the different divisions had different teams and they would compete for like best employee and shit.
That was fascinating.
So that's just a geriatric man at a resort getting up to some mischief.
And I have a wife and kids upstairs.
And if I get kicked out, I've ruined their whole vacation, right?
So I wasn't getting that crazy.
I'm not bragging.
Ben Ratner was 24 at Disneyland and after going on some fucking rides sober as a judge and eating a goddamn fucking hot dog like a faggot like he's eating a cock he went back to his room and read a book and hit the hay.
Maybe watched a movie with Sandra Bullock in it.
What the fuck is going on with the kids today?
He started the Proud Boys, by the way, because I was so distraught by his behavior.
I said, all right, here's what we're gonna do.
I can fix you.
You need a motorbike.
It doesn't have to be, you know, 150 cc.
I mean, it doesn't have to be a thousand cc's.
We can do 50 cc's.
It can be a moped.
Women don't get cc's.
They don't care if you have a Harley-Davidson fucking Red Wing Skull Rider or just a bee sewing machine.
I actually have a theory that when women ride on the back of whatever bike you have, it vibrates their clit.
And I think you have a Pavlovian response where they go, when I'm with Ben, my area feels nice.
I've just made that up, but I didn't just make it up right now, I've made it up a long time ago, but I honestly think there is a Pavlovian response when women ride on the back of a motorized vehicle.
A two-wheeled motorized vehicle.
And it doesn't have to be a big hog.
In fact, there's probably more dildoing going on with the 50cc thing.
So I said, get a moped.
Grow a little bit of facial hair, please.
You look like Judy, that puppet that was popular in the 80s.
You look like a racist caricature of a Jew.
So that's not good.
Grow some hair.
And get a leather jacket used and go to a boxing gym.
You don't have to spar.
You don't have to become a professional boxer, but just punch a heavy bag.
That's you punching the enemies in your life.
That's you punching the things holding you back.
It's very healthy for a man to go to a boxing gym and you don't even have to step in the ring.
Like at my gym, you're not allowed to spar unless you have a ticket book or whatever it's called.
So I'm only ever sparring with like a coach.
So I don't do much fighting.
But still, hitting those bags and hitting those pads with the coach, that's still very healthy.
You don't have to fight a guy.
So I told him to do that, and then I said the last thing, stop beating off.
Stop masturbating, stop watching porn.
It's making you into a pussy.
And, you know, I used to do it too, so it's not like I'm coming at this from like a Christian perspective or anything, but I'm shocked that I used to do it.
I mean, you're sitting there touching your junk, watching another man fornicate.
How insane is that?
I mean, if you did that in real life, you'd go to jail.
Imagine some dude, handsome gentleman, well built, with a huge dick, is fucking a woman, and you're there on a kitchen chair right next to them going, oh yeah, she's liking that, dude.
You're doing a great job, buddy.
Oh, you got that.
You got a hell of a dick, my friend.
You're really up to your old tricks again.
Classic you.
I wonder if there's guys who follow male actors in porn because they're so good at it.
Like, I gotta watch another one of these Johnny Penis Pants.
Actually, that happened in the 70s, right?
Like that Dirk McGurk thing with the Mark Wahlberg movie.
There was a guy, Dirk Diggler or whatever, who was a famous porn star.
There was one in the 70s, I forget his name, but I think it's who Mark Wahlberg's character was based on.
So guys would do that.
They'd follow a really good fucker.
This guy's one of the tough fuckers in the building.
Uh, that's, again, sub-gay.
That is so...
Unmasculine.
And you'll notice, by the way, when you stop beating off that your life just starts improving.
You sing in the shower.
You walk down the street feeling better.
You have an element of fearlessness, too.
Like, you know how you're hungover?
You feel vulnerable?
By the way, I met someone today at lunch.
A woman.
Through my professional relationships, obviously this was not a date, and she said she had track marks from hangover cures.
I've never heard of this before.
Have you heard of this?
There's hangover clinics you go to when you're hungover, and they put an IV in your arm.
It's 150 bucks, and it sends like nutrients and caffeine and all this stuff into your blood.
Anti-nausea stuff.
And when, after like 10 minutes, you're not remotely hungover anymore.
You feel like a million bucks.
Boom.
You could drink a bottle of Maker's Mark, go to this fucking hangover clinic, and you're a brand new man.
Instantly.
Anyway, this woman that I know through the media business, we're talking about doing a project together, she had, they had trouble finding a vein.
She's never done heroin in her life.
They had trouble finding a vein because she had done this so many times.
That she had scarring.
She had hangover track marks on her fucking arms.
Is that unbelievable?
Anyway, sorry.
So, I set up all this criteria with Ben, and I said, blah blah blah blah, moped, I'll fucking pay for it.
Like a 50cc moped is probably 200 bucks.
And the gym membership I'll pay for, blah blah blah.
And he said, I gotta stop ya at the porn thing.
Uh, no thank you.
And I said, what do you mean?
And he goes, because I discovered it, the comedian, another black comedian, Dante Nero.
We did it as a joke.
We said, let's go 10 days and see what happens.
See who can break first.
And we did it.
And then we're like, we would correspond with each other like we were like a sponsor.
I'd go, I'm getting close, dude.
The missus isn't into it tonight.
Sure wouldn't mind a bit of red tube.
And he's like, hang in strong, my brother.
Don't do it.
And so we wouldn't.
And after 10 days, we both go, let's do a month.
And we did.
And we just like both of our lives improved.
100%.
I know that's an overused adjective, but I think it's accurate in this case.
I made twice as much money, my marriage improved two-fold, I wanted to spend more time with my kids, I got out of bed earlier because there's no reason to lie there fucking beating your meat.
My life improved.
Anyway, I said that to Ben, and he goes, and I quote, he says, sorry, that's all I got.
That's all I got.
But Ben, that's the problem.
That's all you got.
It's like fasting.
Like, I want you to go and get more food.
No thanks.
It's like a man's house only has Cheetos in it.
And I go, you gotta stop eating Cheetos.
You're gonna get scurvy.
Go out to a restaurant.
Get some other food.
No, thank you.
I got my Cheetos.
You know, if I stop eating these, I'll starve.
No, you won't.
You're just, you're eating what's there.
This is like, if you were an alien and you came and you wanted to control earthlings, you'd go, give them pawn machines, make them masturbate at home, make them not talk to girls, and eat.
By the way, Ben Ratner's Diet, that's a whole other podcast.
His idea of a delicious meal is just a bowl of broccoli and I think soy sauce he dips it in or something or egg roll sauce He's obviously autistic.
He has Asperger's and You can tell when someone eats a bowl of broccoli for dinner, they're obviously fucked in the head, but my point is A generation ago, we had room for autistic people.
They would just marry like an autistic, kind of chubby woman, and then they'd have, they'd fuck whenever it was appropriate, and they wouldn't beat off, and they'd have kids, and they'd just be like, oh your dad's an intense nerd?
Oh, okay.
You'd still be part of society.
Now...
There's so many avenues for these fuckers that they just say, I don't belong in society, and they peace themselves out.
And then we don't have a society, so we bring in immigrants.
And we go, hey immigrants, can you be normal and breed and stuff?
Our fucking nerds are eating broccoli.
And they go, yeah man.
I'm happy to be a normal person as long as I can live in this fucking awesome place and buy an ATV for my eight-year-old kid and go have a huge barbecue at the park where all my friends are there and my cousins and we're playing music and then we get wasted and my kids have even my two-year-old he has like a plastic motorcycle that he goes up and down the driveway in this is fucking awesome man and we go yeah okay so you just replace this you do that stuff and as far as Ben goes fuck it I disagree.
I would rather fix our guys.
And that's what we tried to do with the Proud Boys, but...
We've changed from that.
That was the initial sort of, the initially, the meetups were like 20 guys and three of them would be hopeless virgins.
And the 17 guys would sort of, especially Dante Nero, would sort of huddle around the nerds and go, all right, this is what we're gonna do.
And Dante's thing was you gotta lay five bricks.
So five bricks a day you have to lay.
And that means you have to gesture to a lady five times a day.
Now that doesn't mean, hello my darling, may I hold thee?
But you can just, like, you look fucking beautiful!
That's a brick.
That counts.
So just interact in a slightly flirty way five times a day and eventually the sheer numbers of it will get you to a point where you're getting laid again.
But I've noticed in recent meetups the sort of beta males have slipped away because, I don't know, I guess they get scared and they feel inadequate.
It's sort of like if a mentally ill or handicapped person was hanging out with a football team.
I think after a while they'd feel like, I'm going to get killed here.
Like these Spartans are going to get drunk and smash me with a rock.
So those guys don't really hang out anymore.
But the central focus of the group is still there.
And that is, be a man.
It's awesome being a man.
It's awesome fighting.
It's awesome being violent.
Hate is awesome.
Hate is just the opposite of love.
I'm seething with hatred everywhere I go.
And it could be someone in flip-flops, could be a guy that pissed all over the lid in the bathroom, and then was fixing his hair after pissing all over the lid while he tucked his sweater into his pants.
Don't worry, we had words, and I screamed at him, I go, You're fucking pissed on the lid, you know!
Normally I have a chance to calm down, but this guy, he left the bathroom and the bathroom was in a building that was like a corporate building, and then there was a cafe where we were having breakfast, also part of the building.
So to go pee, you didn't use the cafe's bathroom, you used the building bathroom.
And I fucking come storming, because I took a shit.
So I sat in his piss.
And I was sitting there going, wiping his piss off my butt cheeks.
Going, can you imagine if a stranger just pissed on your ass?
How mad you'd be?
Like if someone slapped you in the face, you'd be furious.
And that's illegal by the way.
But what if someone pulled down your pants and just started pissing on your butt cheeks?
You would have a heart attack.
You'd be like, I'm gonna murder your whole fuckin' family!
But, and that's what this man did.
He pissed on my buttcheeks.
So I washed my buttocks with, like, a roll of toilet paper, cleaning my buns of his urine.
His urine on my personal, private buttcheeks.
And I thought, maybe I'll calm down by the time I get back to the cafe, but as I Dormed out of there!
I already hated him when I walked in, because I was like, dying of shit, dying of shit.
And he didn't use the urinal, he went in the stall to piss.
So he forgo, forgone?
He forgoed the urinal, and then just, just with his foreskin down, just pissed all over the toilet seat.
And then got out, and I'm like, finally!
And I go in, and I'm about to have explosive diarrhea, so I just like, whip off my pants and just splash.
Drop my cup of Guinness out of my ass.
And, uh, he's in there.
Um, I don't know how I know this, because how would I see out of the stall?
Anyway, for some reason I remember him sitting in the bathroom, combing his hair, slicking it back, with an orange sweater tucked into pants.
Who the fuck?
You can tuck your sweater into your pants, but you can't control where your pee goes?
So, when I'm finally done, I storm out, And he's not even back at the cafe.
He's reading what the different floors are in this corporate building.
So, Floor 3, Section 3B, Ross Moignon, this is in Montreal, a dental technician.
Hmm.
Oh, you're on the third floor, are you?
Who the fuck reads the board of what the different floors are on a Sunday when everything's closed?
What the fuck are you doing?
So I'm already mad, and then I see that, I see the sweater, and I just go, you're fucking pissed on the lid, you know?
I can't do it in here or I'll break the mic.
And he sort of jumps, right?
Because I screamed at the top of my lungs.
And he goes, what?
How do you know?
Of course he's French.
And I know you Americans, you see the French as culturally enriched and fancy.
Where I'm from, French Canadians, French people are human garbage.
In fact, we call them Pepsis.
Peppers.
Because Pepsi's cheaper than Coke.
And they're poor, so they always have Pepsi.
So, we just call them Peppers and Pepsis.
So this fuckin' Pepsi is standing there and he goes, Hey, hey, hey!
Calm down!
Hey, uh, how do you know it's me, la?
And I go, I know it's fuckin' you!
You were just in there!
And, uh, and he goes, it could have been someone else.
And I go, oh, fuck off with your lies.
And then I said.
It's funny I remember this, because this was probably when I was 22.
And I'm 47.
And I said, what are you, four years old?
What are you, a baby?
You don't know how to go pee-pee?
You don't know how to fucking piss?
And he goes, hey, look, you're mad?
Are you mad?
You want to go?
Is that what's going on?
No, he said, you got a problem?
Hey, you got a problem?
And I did have a problem.
I had just washed this man's urine off my butt cheeks.
So yeah, that's the dictionary definition of a problem.
Wiping a stranger's urine off your legs is considered a problem.
And I said, yeah, I got a fucking problem!
And then he was bluffing.
He was tall, by the way.
The guy was like 6'2".
He was bluffing, hoping I would say, well, I technically don't have a problem, but I'm just kind of annoyed you peed on me.
And I go, yeah, I got a fucking problem!
And he says, uh, then he comes back with, well, don't take it out on me!
Isn't that a funny retort?
Um, and then he marched off and sat with his parents.
And I remember thinking when I was sitting on his piss, I remember thinking, I'm going to go into that cafe and I don't care if that guy's with his mother, with his children, with his family, I am going to open up on this dude and scream at him for pissing on my ass.
Anyway, WeThePeopleHolsters.com, use the passcode GAVIN to get in.
It's funny, this sponsor, which does these molded holsters that are custom made, they can do any picture you want on them, any graphic, and it's sort of a hard holster.
Unlike leather holsters where you take it out and it has to sort of flop back in and you might not get it back in.
This always in and out, in and out, no problem.
It's great for fatties because you can adjust the calibration of how the holster sits in your pocket, in your pants.
But We the People holsters has inspired me to get my, try again for my concealed carry permit.
Because I'm sick of walking around nude with a long rifle.
And I went through this class the other day.
Motherfucking hours for We The People holsters.
No, not for them, but inspired by them, but for my gun.
And I sat through this class for five hours.
It's an hour of information spread into five hours.
And it is, I was saying to a guy that was also in the class, because we had to go feed the meter for our cars, Um, I said to him, I would much rather make out with a homeless man for one minute than do this five hours.
Um, and I would do a good job.
I wouldn't just be like, ew, gross.
It would be passionate, like Casablanca, Brigitte Bardot on the beach, like a real beautiful French kissing session that would make you horny.
That's how good it would be.
And with his bad breath and his herpetic sores, no problem.
Here's an example of how torturous this seminar was.
He's talking about squibs.
And a squib is when you shoot the gun and the bullet doesn't make it out of the barrel.
It only goes three quarters of the way.
And that can be because it's a defective bullet and there's not enough, say, black powder.
There's not enough powder in there.
So you started a thing and it wasn't enough to send it out.
Or there's no powder in there at all.
And the only reason it's halfway down the chamber is because the hammer hit it an inch forward.
Okay.
It happens.
Very rare, but it happens.
Now, some people in the gun community just go, well, just shoot another bullet and then that'll knock the first one out.
And he says, please don't do that.
It's dangerous.
It can cause the barrel to expand, like causing a little mini explosion in there.
Okay, gotcha.
I won't do that.
I'll call the range officer over and say, excuse me, there's a squib in my barrel.
There's a squib in my barrel, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a squib in my barrel, dear Liza, a squib.
Then he would do this thing where he'd start delivering analogies for something we all totally crystal clearly understand.
Analogies are for weird situations involving astrophysics or relationships or the paranormal.
And you use an analogy, like a stitch in time saves nine, in order to ground the person with something they're familiar with.
That's the origin of analogies.
I don't need a fucking analogy for something I already understand.
Nor does this entire class who's sitting here from 4 to 9 p.m.
And he says, let me just, it's sort of like a snake.
Snake goes through the chicken wire into the hen house and he eats a chick.
This is all part of my WeThePeopleHolsters.com podcast reading.
Uh, he eats a chick, and then he goes to get out again, and he can't get through the chicken wire because he's swollen in the middle of where the chick is.
And I didn't want to say this, because I don't want to rock the boat, because I want to keep us rolling, but I felt like saying, mmm, that's not even close to what we're talking about.
We're talking about a chick already in the snake, and then you taking another chick and forcing it up the snake's ass so hard that the chicks hit each other and explode.
And then the snake has this big engorged midsection and it's dead.
That's the analogy.
My gun didn't eat a bullet and get fat.
The fuck are you talking about?
Of course he was a teacher.
And we know how teachers are so used to thinking that with no checks and balances that they have a lot to offer.
Anyway, WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
Gavin gives you a $10 rebate.
I think their holsters go for about $34, so that's you down to $24.
You can get whatever you want.
Please tune in to CRTV tonight, where I am fighting a man, an African American gentleman who knocks me out.
While defending the whole concept of violence and hatred, I'll also have a Hispanic gentleman who's running for mayor in his tiny town, and he is anti-immigration.
He's going to make the Hispanic immigrant argument against open borders.
We also have Ashton Witte on the show, who is a conservative from Berkeley that's been totally ostracized by her entire family for daring to love Trump.
And I think what we'll do is we'll do the show, and then I'll do this after-hours interview with her about her family ostracizing her, because I'm fascinated by it.
Because, like, I understand being ostracized for being a heroin addict, or even a prostitute, but for liking the President of the United States, your dad doesn't love you anymore?
I find that fascinating.
So we'll probably, we'll make that an after-hours, and that'll probably come out later on in the week, maybe Monday or Tuesday.
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