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May 25, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
40:08
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #53 | Women are insane

On today’s Memorial Day podcast we discuss what it’s like to date a woman with spaghetti legs.

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Women are insane.
I was just with a woman, this bunch of dudes, and we were hanging out, having fun, talking shit, shooting the shit.
And then we were talking about clothes, and I was telling my compatriots that a great way to get custom suits if you're a cheap person, as I am, is to go with Nita Fashions, N-I-T-A.
And these are these dudes, they're Indian, they live in Hong Kong, and they go to various cities around America.
No, around the Western world every year.
Glasgow, London, New York, L.A.
I'm sure they do D.C.
And they measure you up.
They get your shit on file and then you just like order suits based on various textiles.
It's awesome.
And I have a bunch of custom suits and there's something about a tailored suit like this.
The suit I'm wearing right now I believe was only 800 bucks and it's it feels like PJs.
I could not be more comfortable.
It's as comfortable as jeans.
So I recommend that to my bros.
And they take a picture of the inside of my lapel because it has the Nita Fashion logo.
And then the woman I'm with says, um, uh, you guys need to find someone who has a fetish for you and, uh, uh, have them buy you clothes.
And then you send a picture to them of you in the outfit.
And I go, uh, A, that's not happening.
Women are not attracted to me.
I've been monogamous with my wife for our entire marriage, but it's not for want of trying.
They are not kicking down the front door to get to the G. I have not had to refuse a lot of blowjobs.
In fact, I've had to refuse zero.
So, no woman, or gay, I guess.
Maybe some gays.
Want to buy me shit so I can send them pictures.
That's a female thing.
And the woman I'm talking about was very buxom.
So I understand that there's some weirdo who wants to, you know, buy her clothes and stuff.
But it just seemed like a weird thing to bring up.
Because it's obviously not conducive to a normal conversation.
She clearly doesn't think that this is an option for us.
So what she was really saying was, I do this weird depraved thing.
What do you guys think?
And what we think is, that's weird and depraved.
It's prostitution.
But it reminded me that women are nuts.
And I've always said women aren't nuts in God's plan.
When they came up with the design, with the rib from the guy, it was a normal chick.
But what we've done with our baby boomer divorce and all these other things is we've desecrated the female and turned her into a mess.
And I call this a shit chest.
Specifically, Iron Man has a glowing orb in his chest, right?
That blue thing?
That makes him magic and it saves his life and all that stuff.
And if you take it out, he dies.
I believe women have that.
It's called being able to give birth.
So women are gifted with an incredible trait, this ability to make life.
And we've trivialized that and basically to a wart.
In fact, I would argue we've taken out the blue and we've replaced it with a piece of poo.
A piece of shit.
Which is why I call them shit chests.
So when I sound sexist, I'm not actually talking about functioning women who marry young and have a bunch of kids.
I'm talking about the ones that we convinced that being in the workforce is better and you can have it all and you can start a career when you're 45 and then meet a man at 50 and then have 10 kids.
I'm talking about that lie.
And the women under that lie are deranged.
They're insane.
They write articles about Jordan Peterson and they say he's a racist.
They're sort of like orcs.
You know?
In what movie is that?
Is that Lord of the Rings?
They're like these deranged, malignant, deformed monsters who just want to wreck society.
And I feel bad for them.
And it's ironic that they hate me and call me a Nazi all the time because I'm trying to get them married up.
I want to get a ring on it.
Like, one thing I always say to Proud Boys is, fucking put a ring on it, dude.
Stop dating her.
Marry her.
So I want to help these women, but they think, I don't know, that I'm out to get them because I trivialize their lifestyle, which I do.
Media Matters just had a big thing where they said, Gavin McInnes says that these older sort of blogger chicks who work at HuffPo are colostomy bags for strangers come.
And that's a very harsh way to put it.
But I did say that and it is true.
So anyway, this chick suggests at lunch today, and you may have noticed I'm drunk by the way, but I think I'm still making very articulate points.
This chick today, she says, yeah, get someone to buy you clothes.
And she clearly was saying, someone buys me clothes that I pose in and send to them, which is prostitution.
And it was clearly a cry for help.
Um, and I think a lot of these women who have embraced feminism and embraced the myth of you can have it all, they clearly don't like the mess they've made for themselves.
They don't like the tangled web they've woven for themselves.
And they're actually secretly saying, can you help me please?
Can you get me fucking married?
It's weird when they're like 45 and they go, can you help me find a guy?
I want to have kids.
And I go, uh, the elephant in the room here is that the ship has sailed, I'm afraid.
But yeah, I'm happy to try to find you some guy.
Meanwhile, all the guys I know would just fucking bang them and throw them in the garbage.
So I'm like, it would actually be bad for me to recommend someone for you because they're not going to treat you well.
I know a lot of bad men.
I'm a bad guy.
Anyway, it reminds me of a story that I wanted to make this central focus of this podcast.
It's not so much about what we're talking about.
But sometimes I've started taking notes on my phone and I'm like, this would be a good story for the podcast.
And this is something I have at the top of the list.
And it was an Asian lady.
That I discovered back when I worked at Vice and she was sending me her zine.
Now a zine is an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper that's been folded many times and it becomes a little tiny magazine.
I used to do them with, they were called mini comics back in the day and before the internet, back when we would trade tapes and trade VHS tapes, a zine It was a fun way to make a mini-magazine.
A mini-book.
And you'd send it to people and you'd trade it and go back and forth.
Anyway, this woman, who was Asian, from L.A.
I believe, she started sending them to me, to Vice, and she was my cup of tea.
I like a severe Asian face.
I don't like this sort of plate face where it's, uh, I'm a pretty lady and it's sort of like Nicole Kidman where it's just a blank slate and you could paint whatever you want on it.
I like a bit of character.
I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, pretty is pretty but only ugly can be beautiful.
And I like, you know, like a Japanese painting with big nostrils and full lips and crazy, you know, almost down syndrome eyes.
I like freaks.
So this woman had a very severe Asian face and I don't really care about tits and anything else.
She was normal outside of that.
So she started sending me her zine, and I was reading it.
It was boring, but I was attracted to her, so I started corresponding with her.
We went back and forth, and then she said, I'm going to be in New York in January, and I'd love to meet you.
I'm like, well, someone's getting laid.
The answer is yes.
I was single at the time.
So she comes to New York and there was a venue called Webster Hall.
It's giant.
It's on 10th Avenue.
I'm not sure if it's still around.
I haven't lived in New York in two years.
But it's two floors.
Someone like Motorhead would play there.
Like a big band that's not at their peak anymore.
Kind of like Irving Plaza.
She goes, let's meet at Webster Hall.
I can't remember what the show was.
Maybe, not They Might Be Giants, but a band like that.
What's that band?
Oh, They Promise Us Jetpacks.
I think it was that show.
That's a cool name for a band.
So she says, I'm on the second floor.
Let's meet at 10 p.m., whatever.
So I go on the first floor.
I don't see her.
Second floor.
I don't see her.
Third floor.
I can't find her anywhere.
I'm going up and down the stairs wondering where my blind date is.
Where's the love of my life?
Where's this severe Asian?
I think I'm really, I'm a brunette guy.
I've always preferred Veronica to Betty.
So after brunette, I'm pretty open.
You can be black, you can be Asian, you can be retarded.
Oh, and this is relevant to the story.
So I'm finally going like on my third pass, and I end up on the second floor of Webster Hall.
And I see an Asian woman in a wheelchair.
And she has a totally awesome wheelchair.
One of the top wheelchairs in the wheelchair.
Business.
And I go, I look at her severe face, which is super hot to me, and I go, hey, let's say her name was Jennifer.
I don't remember her name.
Jen, Jen, Jen, is that you?
And she goes, yeah, what's going on?
And the second floor of Webster Hall has high tables and high chairs, like benches.
So everyone is like six feet off the ground.
Someone in a wheelchair is obviously not going to be seen.
So that's why I passed her several times.
So I go to her, uh, I did not know you're in a wheelchair.
Now obviously she was duplicitous.
Because if you're in a wheelchair, you may want to just throw that out.
We've been corresponding.
I think this is, this is probably like 2002.
No, no.
Yeah, 2002.
So there was email.
So if you're courting a man, a man is courting you, you may want to mention that you have no legs.
You may want to throw that in the mix.
You may want to just toss it out there that you have fucking Grover legs.
Her legs were just sticks.
She was so paralyzed that her lower body had atrophied and her legs were just tubes.
They looked like my five-year-old son's arms.
They were just clown balloons.
They were just like Just a tube with a shoe.
And by the way, ladies, if you are in a wheelchair, I think you should wear stilettos.
Because you're clearly not going to hurt your feet walking.
So if you're presenting your legs, and obviously you have to overcome the fact that you're paralyzed, so you want to meet men, I think you should present your legs and feet in the best possible way, and that involves stilettos.
So the fact that paralyzed women will have sketchers on is just ridiculous.
You don't, it's like women at the airport.
You ever notice women at the airport, they have stilettos on?
That's because they're just gonna walk for a little bit, right?
Go through security and then be sitting in the chair for six hours.
So, and then meet like the guy who paid for that flight.
So, women on planes tend to be dressed very well.
Of course, the converse is true where they have fucking sweatpants on and they're sleeping.
That's usually millennials.
But women over 32, they tend to have stilettos at the airport and so they should.
And ladies, if you're at home today and you're listening to this and you're paralyzed from the waist down, put on some fucking high heel shoes, please.
Your feet are just sitting there.
They're just like dead fish.
Put your dead fish in a stiletto.
Anyway, So this woman is wearing... I can't remember what her shoes were.
They're probably pretty normal.
But she does have baby arms for legs.
Just clown tubes.
Clown balloons.
Tube legs.
And I'm throwing off because she didn't fucking mention that.
Pretty huge detail, lady.
Pretty huge.
I don't want to make love to you.
No offense.
And I'm sorry if this sounds, I don't know, ableist, but people don't want to make love to handicapped people.
It's genetic.
I saw a video, I had it on my show on Get Off My Lawn recently, there was a Jewish guy who has cerebral palsy and he's gay, and he goes, I'm hornier than you.
Which, by the way, is kind of an audacious thing to claim.
You don't know how horny I am.
But his thing was, I'm not accepted in the gay community because I'm paralyzed.
And I'm watching it going, well, uh, you're not accepted in the world community because people have evolved to not be attracted to severely handicapped people because you can't breed.
Well, gays don't breed.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
But it's still, it's still in our DNA.
It's like, I can't make a baby with this guy.
So he has his feet in those little plastic socks that are just the heel that he has to Velcro in.
And he's like, why don't gays want to fuck me?
I don't know, because you're very unusual.
Similarly, with my date, this woman, who was very attractive from the chest up, didn't have normal legs.
And I did not want to fuck that.
So, I saw her and I went, hey, whoa, what's happening with the chair?
And she goes, I told you that.
Now I have a shitty brain, so often these people are right when they say I told you that.
Like my friend Craig, who ran an anti-immigration site for many years.
I had no idea he was gay for like 10 years.
And he actually had AIDS.
I think I've mentioned this on another podcast, but he got AIDS at a circuit party and the only way I found out was 10 years into our friendship, I said, nice socks, faggot.
And he goes, I actually am gay.
And then I said, I didn't know that.
And he goes, you never fucking listen to me.
That's real men.
Real men, like Ron Swanson had his best friend, he didn't know his name.
So my wife will say, like, that guy you hang out with, that cop, does he have kids?
And I go, I don't know.
What am I, a fag?
I'm not going to ask him if he has kids.
I don't even know his last name.
Anyway, so it's normal for us in the straight community to not know that a woman is paralyzed and it's normal for us for her to tell us and for us to not notice or not even pay attention when she said that.
But she had Grover arms for legs.
Just tubes.
She'd obviously been through this before.
I think she was duplicitous.
I think she knew that she lied to me because how did she have a backup plan the second I pointed it out?
And her backup plan is jump in it!
Jump in!
And so she pulls herself up by her arms and she drags her spaghetti legs onto a stool at Webster Hall and she's got her little long skinny legs just like hanging there with her shoes like looking like they just got dumped.
Her shoes were verklempt.
Her shoes were forgotten.
And they were just like, like you could just stab her shoes.
She wouldn't feel it.
You could poke them with a pin.
So she says, you get in it.
So I get in her, I'm going to guess like $3,000 wheelchair.
And it felt great.
I'm not going to lie.
It was unbelievable.
And by the way, this is what I want to promote in society.
The things men build, like an aircraft carrier, or the things that build a ship.
Like when you sit in a middle-class gimp's wheelchair, You're amazed at the fucking lack of friction.
I mean, this thing was basically anti-gravitational.
And so I rolled forward with just the slightest push, and I was 40 feet ahead, and I did the thing where you sort of rotate, you know, in concentric circles, counterintuitive circles, whatever you want to call it.
Inversely proportional circles.
I pull one leg back, one leg forward, and I was leaning back, and I was just like, this thing is unbelievable.
What a great wheelchair you have, handicapped date.
So I zoom around, I do a few twirls, and I zoom...
This is all true.
I zoom back to her, and then I guess she sort of lowers herself back into the chair.
And she was with a dude, a handler, who was like her best friend's husband.
Or boyfriend, or maybe it was like a weird male friend?
Actually, no.
I think it was a weird male friend who wanted to fuck her.
I mean, you talk about being a cuck and being in the friend zone.
How about being a handicapped Asian chick's side piece who never gets any action?
Although maybe he did.
We don't know.
So I've got a pretty good buzz going at this point.
And I think I don't want to end this.
And maybe there was some political correctness in there where I went, I don't want to end this date because that's like ableist.
So I'll still hang out with her.
I had nothing else going on that night.
All right, let's hang out, Gimp.
And so I think we saw the band for a little bit and then we said, all right, let's get out of here.
Now, I'm a big dive bar guy.
I love dive bars.
And there's a dive bar on 14th and C. I forget what it's called now.
But in New York City, there's the East Village, there's the West Village, there's these bar dense areas where rich kids go and a lot of like Jersey Shore people come down and we call them the bridge and tunnel crowd because they take a bridge and a tunnel to get to New York.
And a lot of these bars are fancy.
I know these guys that own these bars.
Sometimes their rent is $37,000 a fucking month.
Can you believe that?
But there are also bars where the rent is $3,000 a month and they've been grandfathered in and it takes a little while of living in New York to find these places.
And I love them.
I love shitty bars.
I like homeless people in there.
The bartender in this particular bar, you probably know it if you know New York and you know what I'm talking about, 14th and C. She would like paint shit on her face, like leaves and stuff.
She didn't have facial tattoos.
She had hand-drawn facial tattoos.
She was a mental case.
And I loved it there.
And the beers are like three bucks.
So I go, let's go to this bar.
And the great thing about someone who has spaghetti legs is you don't have to impress them.
So I can go to a bar I want to go to.
So I say to her and her handler, I would like to go to this bar.
And they say, fine.
So we end up at this bar.
And there's homeless people there.
And the woman has her leaves and her flowers drawn on her face.
And we get our pitcher for $8 or whatever it is.
And we go to the back of the bar.
It's a very tiny bar.
It's like a skinny, it's probably like 5 feet by 30 feet.
It's a long, skinny bar.
And we get our pictures.
And then this is an interesting concept, by the way.
People of the same height tend to congregate.
And there was a trend in New York in around 2006, 2007, where they were making these styrofoam shoes where you would strap them to your shoes and everyone was six feet tall.
So tall people would wear no shoes, but 5 foot people would have a styrofoam foot.
Below their foot.
And I think it's interesting that that concept even came up.
Clearly, it's a reaction to the fact that tall people talk to each other.
And in New York City, there's a weird thing where tall people congregate in New York City.
So if you're tall in Knoxville, Tennessee, right, like say you're 6'2", not only do you think that you're taller than other people, you start to think you're better than other people.
I'm not saying that's good or bad, by the way.
And so you move to New York City, and the next thing you know, I'm 5'11".
I'm a dwarf at parties.
I'm just, like, surrounded by these fucking 6'2 giants.
I'm a hobbit in New York City.
In D.C., I'm a giant.
In D.C., I'm LeBron James.
Same with L.A.
In L.A., I'm a fucking... In L.A., I pick people up and carry them to the bar, because it takes too long to wait for their little legs to make it to the bar.
Their little fucking midget legs.
But in New York, I'm a dwarf.
But there's some truth to this concept of being more accustomed to people your own height, because you don't have to lean down.
And bars are loud, parties are loud.
You tend to...
To not want to yell.
I remember this living in Quebec for 10 years.
No matter what the party was, inevitably, at the end of the day, it would become English people on one side of the room and French people on the other side of the room.
No matter how bilingual we all were, it inevitably always came down to that.
And I've noticed this as an adult at parties, it's women and men.
The women tend to congregate in the kitchen and the men tend to congregate in the living room or near a balcony so they can smoke cigars.
By the way, fun joke, when that happens, is you go into the ladies area, it's usually the kitchen, and you say, hey guys, isn't it funny that at every party we all tend to separate based on, and they're waiting for gender, and you go based on IQ, It's a very rude thing to say that I find does well.
Actually, it doesn't do well.
It makes them mad, but it's funny, so it does well with me.
Anyway, so we go to this dive bar, and we order a pitcher, and we go to the back, and she's in a chair, right?
So she's like, I don't know, two feet, three feet off the ground?
She's low down, and I'm stuck with her handler.
And so I end up getting along with him because he's 5'11".
So we're both discussing things at our equal height.
And she's down there.
Now, it's a loud bar.
It's a dive bar.
So to go down and hear her, you have to sort of go down and go, Yeah, I'm sorry.
I missed that.
You were talking about cell phones?
I can't hear her.
So we end up kind of ignoring her.
Plus we're drunk too and we're not very cordial.
And, uh, I start getting hornier, actually, as I start drinking more.
And I'm thinking, maybe we can work out something.
Maybe I can have her with her spindly legs in my bedroom.
It'll be like a jellyfish.
She'll have, like, the main stuff up top, and then the legs will just be like tentacles, just like garbage.
Is this as funny as I think it is?
Just like extension cords hanging down.
Leg shmegs.
Who needs legs?
Um, so I start getting more attracted to her.
And I think her handler senses that.
And I don't know if he was fucking her, but I think he starts getting more defensive.
And then I start sort of thinking, I want to take her home.
I've changed my mind.
And then he starts thinking, fuck you.
Now his fuck you could have been, I'm actually having an affair with her, um, despite the fact that I'm married to her best friend.
Or it could have been I don't trust you, which by the way would have been a valid instinct to have because I was not trustworthy at the time.
But it was a fascinating dynamic.
And then things got weirder.
She's Asian, right?
And we know Asians have trouble with alcohol.
You know, you've heard of the red-cheeked Asian.
Look it up on Wikipedia.
They seem to lack the enzymes to break down alcohol, which I find confusing.
Because didn't you guys have rice wine for 900 years before anyone even thought of America?
Or Europe, for that matter.
Isn't China 40,000 years old?
How do you guys not have an immunity to booze?
I'm saying this, by the way, while I slur.
I'm saying this without an immunity to booze.
Complaining about people who can't hold their liquor.
What's your problem?
You've been around for 40,000 years and you can't hold your liquor?
I'm embarrassed of you.
You're a fucking disgrace.
You're a disgrace.
You're a disgrace.
Anyway, um, so she starts getting weird.
Because she's drunk.
And she takes her shirt off.
Okay.
So she has her bra, just her bra and her body, and her upper body is very nice.
Her legs are spaghetti.
And she needs to keep her cell phone.
Now this is like 2002, 2003.
So we didn't have iPhones at the time.
So she just has her flip phone.
She stuffs it in her bra next to her tit.
And okay, that's fine.
And she starts saying things super loud, which makes sense because you're way down there.
So we're up, me and her handler are up at a normal 5'11 height discussing life, and she has to convey things.
And, you know, we bend over a few times, but it starts getting boring.
And then she starts yelling, she starts going, what's the big deal, blowjobs anyway?
I mean, it's so easy!
And so we sort of let that go, okay, that's someone yelling about fellatio.
Because everyone makes a big deal about it!
It's so easy!
You just do it, you fucking sucker!
So, it's very offensive content that she's saying, and this podcast obviously is getting very R-rated, but...
We managed to ignore it as she keeps screaming and screaming about fellatio and how easy it is and how over it is.
Obviously, the subtext is, Gavin, I know we're on a date, and I know this has gone awry, and I know you're talking to my handler, and I know I don't have a vagina that works.
It probably has no nerve endings in it that work, but I will blow you.
Do you want to try that?
So that was sort of, I'm guessing, the sort of impetus of the blurting out the garbage about blowjobs, but that was going on in the scene, and I'm so drunk I'm starting to think, yeah, let's do it.
Let's set it up.
Let's get the wheelchair up my four-floor walk-up.
Let's get rid of your handler here.
And he also at the same time is sensing that this is going on and he doesn't want to get rid of himself.
And I think he was right.
I could have been a rapist.
I could have been a horrible person.
I could have been a murderer.
So we have a funny dynamic now.
Now the dynamic is...
I want your handicapped friend, and his dynamic was, I don't want you to have my handicapped friend.
And we both recognize that, but we're continuing with our discussion about, I don't know, punk music or something totally unrelated, but there's this subtext.
Because men and humans have this sort of, you know, pheromones.
They have this chemical that's going through the air, and there's always a kind of unrecognized thing.
Like when two guys are hitting on a girl, I describe it as two speedboats.
And it's perfectly normal for two speedboats to hit on a girl.
But when?
And it could be your buddy.
It could be your best friend.
That's fine.
There's nothing wrong with two guys hitting on a girl.
Even if it's your best friend.
Even if it's your brother.
But there's a moment where she shows an inclination to one of the speedboats over the other.
And at that exact moment, you, if you're the unwanted one, has to go And veer off to the right.
Crank the steering wheel to the right and be like, alright, this ain't working.
I'm not invited.
They have something going on.
That's fine.
It's like the free market, right?
You want to get the customer.
If the customer prefers, you know, gelato, then you let them eat gelato and your ice cream and you go the other way.
And this is what was happening that night.
And then, because I'm fucking Scottish, I started to get kind of aggro.
And I was like, do you want to fucking fight for this?
Now, I didn't say that, but we started getting weird with like chest puffing.
And it started to get kind of tense and then everything we talked about had a double entendre about like, well, that would be a shame if that person did that and then got the fucking shit beat out of him.
You know what I mean?
So now we're getting all tough as we have normal conversations about the IRS and auditing.
So the way it ended was, um, He took her home.
He wheeled her back to the hotel.
She must have come.
The band we were seeing at Webster Hall was totally irrelevant.
It was not the Rolling Stones.
It wasn't like some amazing comeback.
So she must have calmed down for the sole purpose of solidifying this deal.
And she must have purposely obfuscated her handicap in a way to get a guy who was, I'm sorry, but out of her league.
Uh, and it didn't work, and this poor bastard, this cuck, had to wheel her back home because the guy she was lying to was not into the lie.
How fucked up is that situation?
What a bizarre date.
Well, the only consolation with this story is that I've told this story 1,000 times.
I remember being at Terry Richardson's studio and I would do the visual of her leaving her wheelchair and going onto a stool and I would make my legs jelly as I did it, obviously.
And I have brought tears to both Terry Richardson's eyes and Seth Goldfarb, his manager.
I've made them both cry their eyes out as I maneuver myself from a chair to a higher stool, telling this story.
And the moral of all of this is say yes to everything.
Like Pee Wee Herman, Paul Rubens, one day he just said, you know what, I'm saying yes to everything.
And some rednecks said, we want to have you over for dinner.
So they invited him over dinner.
He said, yes, I'll be there.
I'll be there in Georgia, whatever.
I'll be there.
And they had already eaten dinner when he got there.
So he just ate dinner alone at a giant dining table with all these rednecks staring at him.
And he's like, Like eating chicken or whatever.
And the Patriarch looks at him and he looks up, Paul Rubens looks up, and the Patriarch says, My God, it's like we're sitting here with Marilyn Monroe.
Now, Paul Reubens has that story forever.
That's his baby now, forever.
I'll always have spaghetti legs in my head forever.
And I've said to my wife many times, and I'll stand strong like Braveheart with a Scottish flag, if Oprah wanted to fuck me, I would fuck her.
Because this obviously would not be romantic.
We're not going to go to fucking Bahamas on a getaway.
It won't be like that Woody Harrelson movie where the guy Was it Robert Redford paid a million dollars to be with his wife?
The chick from Friends?
Courtney Cox?
It's obviously not going to be that.
But if Oprah wanted to bone me, I would definitely have sex with her.
I don't care what my wife says.
I don't care if it ruins my marriage.
Because the story would be so hilarious.
And I think that's our job, especially as artists or people in media or people who aren't, you know, accountants or plumbers.
And I'm not disparaging accountants or plumbers.
We all have different roles in society and all are equally viable.
They're all crucial to each other.
And this is something we're getting away from in modern society.
What was it called?
Fast Company had an article about a successful business and they said every business needs a hipster, a hacker, and a hustler.
That's how you make a good business.
But I think every society needs like nerds, people with their nose to the grindstone, tough guys, brawlers, weirdos who will fuck Oprah.
Like we all need this crazy pizza pie of different personalities because we all help each other.
You know, in the movie Avatar, you have the nerds and the military guys.
Actually, fuck Avatar, that's a great example of this symbiosis that we all need in society.
The military has nerds and alpha males.
And the nerds build the technology, they build the rockets, they build the computers, and then the alpha males go and shoot them face to face with ISIS.
Nerds need alphas, alphas need nerds.
We're all together on this.
So I feel if you get offered a crazy opportunity, like for example, what if some groupie chick was like, oh my god, I love you so much.
Please, please just grab my pussy.
Grab her pussy.
It's not cheating on your wife.
Don't make love to her.
Don't make out with her.
That's infidelity.
But just a little honk.
I don't think that's infidelity.
I think that's you doing what is morally right at the time.
So if you have a crazy opportunity, like say the Queen's brother, the Queen of England's brother says, here's a whoopee cushion.
She's about to sit down, throw that under her ass when she sits down.
You are morally obligated to put a whoopee cushion underneath the Queen's ass.
And if she laughs or doesn't laugh is totally irrelevant.
You need to convey that story to your fellow man because mankind is based on storytelling.
I've said this a million times and it's very esoteric so people don't really get it but monkeys, bears, they can't tell stories to each other.
Humans can tell stories and that's a magical gift from God because it's I can impart an experience to you and you weren't even there.
Like you guys who listen to this podcast today have gone on a date with spaghetti legs.
That's a gift!
You know that she had her cell phone in her bra and was yelling at the top of her lungs about blowjobs.
You don't have to have experienced that.
You just lived it.
And you're welcome for that.
Maybe that's why I chose storyteller as a vocation.
Because...
I love this thing about humans, that we have this weird trait where we can impart experience to each other.
I want you to have that experience.
And if I ever fuck Oprah, I'll want you to have that experience too.
We're out of time.
I think we've got a sponsor starting next episode, so get ready for me to talk about guns and holsters on Monday.
But tonight we have CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.
Awesome show.
Jesse Lee Peterson.
Dude.
What a fascinating human being.
The thing I love about Jesse is he says things you never thought of before.
And on the right, there's a lot of pundits who are derivative.
I won't name names, but they tend to be women.
And they just sort of say, we got to get America back and the first amendment and the second amendment and America's were built on blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
They just, it's, they never make you scratch your head.
And Jesse Lee Peterson says things that I go, holy shit, did you just say that?
Milo is similar, where at least they offer new things that you've never thought of before.
And that's what our jobs are as storytellers, to be, you know, to think outside the box, to blow someone's mind.
Often we're wrong.
You know, Roush V said, he said, if you couldn't charge a man with rape if you had invited him to your apartment, women would be a lot more careful about who they invited to their apartment.
That was immediately changed into, Roush V wants rape to be legal.
No, he was coming up with a brain puzzle.
He was titillating you.
He was stimulating you with an interesting little mind game.
And we've gotten away from that recently.
And Jesse Lee Peterson is back to that.
He... I don't want to really ruin any surprises, but Jesse Lee Peterson said to me that there was less racism during slavery.
Now, that makes your hair go white.
I understand that.
I agree with you.
But at least it's stimulating.
At least it makes you go, wait, what did you just say?
And I feel like in 2018, we should have more of that.
Anyway, we also have on CRTV tonight Cam Edwards, we have Chris Bedford from Daily Caller, we have Ash Scow on and we'll be talking about the latest news tropes and laughing at them all and playing games and looking at viral videos and talking to people in Times Square.
It's a very fun show tonight.
And then Monday we have a memorial special where I'm going to watch a bunch of soldiers surprising their kids and try not to cry like a complete bitch fag, which I am.
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