Get Off My Lawn Podcast #52 | Did you ever write a song when you're baked?
To switch things up, I tried recording this podcast in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. It’s about being stoned and how hallucinogenic drugs can help expand your mind - permanently. I haven’t done LSD in about 30 years but whenever I have the hiccups I just concentrate and say, “I don’t want these anymore” and they go away. This is because of acid. Steve Jobs agrees. Well, “agreed."
It's funny, when you become 47, your thing is like... I can't believe I just said like.
Your thing is, I need to smoke more pot.
It becomes a New Year's resolution.
When you're young, you go, I gotta stop smoking so much pot.
And then when you become 47, almost half a century old, you go, I should talk to some of these millennials that are smoking marijuana and try to procure some.
And then my wife and I should maybe get a one hit or some sort of a bong device and start doing marijuana.
I remember it from my heyday.
I used to deal it when I was in college.
But let's get some of that marijuana going again.
We'll smoke a quote-unquote doobie.
And we will watch a horror movie and poop our pants.
And then we will make love.
It'll be more sensual.
We'll also watch maybe a comedy and be more giggly pants.
How about these people that just smoke a gram at work?
Like John Serino.
Sorry John, I'm outing you.
At Anthony Cumia's show.
He'll just go up on the roof and smoke a spliff that's the size of a hockey player's sock full of Christmas treats on December 24th.
He'll just throw that back and I assume hallucinate I smoked recent pot recently and I almost died.
In fact, I considered calling 9-1-1.
I was lying on the floor.
This is at my old ad agency, Rooster.
I was lying on the floor with my shirt off and we had cement floors.
It was like a loft kind of a space.
I was lying on the cement trying to get cold into my torso because I was dying.
Because I was higher than like five hits of LSD.
And I thought, I don't want to call 911 because I don't like the idea of being in a gurney right now and having to go to the hospital and being operated on, whatever they do.
Actually, no, I didn't go that far.
It was just the idea of guys, like EMT dudes, picking me up, putting me on the gurney, taking me in the elevator, going downstairs, getting in, even that, even that part.
Fuck the trip to Roosevelt Hospital.
Just the idea of being in a gurney was too much.
So I thought, I'll just sit here and die.
But um, I have written some pretty good jams.
You want to hear a jam I wrote?
Well, I've told you in the previous episodes the songs I wrote on heroin.
There was this song...
Not a hit.
You know, it was no Jumpin' Jack Flash, but I wrote it on smack.
That's actually, just to take a time out here, I'm realizing now that was a very witty joke I made while on heroin.
Because I said to my friend JP, you know how people on heroin write great songs?
Well here I just wrote one and then I said that.
Now I've only done heroin a smattering of times and it was as a very young man.
I definitely was not a junkie but... That was pretty funny for someone who basically being on heroin is like having your limbs removed.
So there's just a torso sitting on the couch Making a pretty good joke.
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty funny.
But the song I wrote, um, on marijuana was also, this is like, probably 1999.
1999.
Noin, nointy nointy noin.
As, uh, uh, Baba Booey would say.
1999, as Baba Booey would say, and it was, Did you get caught when your heart got caught in the dark?
You don't even ever stop.
And you.
And you.
That's it.
I remember Soroush Advice in our early days, I caught him at his desk singing that song and he's like, who is that again?
I go, dude, that's me, baked.
That's my jam.
That's my stone jam.
I tried to get Dan Keys, that's a musician, and Andrew WK to give me some of their studio time where I would get annihilated, baked, stoned.
Do people still say baked?
And then you take that song that I make and we make a song.
And I'm realizing now how totally self-indulgent that fantasy is.
That's like saying to Wayne Gretzky, let's do a thing where I play you, I try to beat you at hockey, and then you beat me, and then we make a video of us like it's Gav versus Gretzky.
I don't miss marijuana.
When you get to my age, by the way, this is my second try doing this podcast and I, I, uh, I may have, I may be repeating things that I said in the first time, but.
Um, I don't, I don't miss marijuana, but when you get to be my age, 47, you, on your to-do list, one of your New Year's resolutions is, I would like to get back on the marijuana train.
I'd like to try pot again.
I remember doing a lot of pot as a young man.
Let's get some pot going again.
I gotta open the window.
It's hot in here.
I'm gonna walk over the window.
I'm actually at home.
We're in the home studio here, folks.
So this is gonna sound quiet for a sec.
While I go over to the Wendy... Well, wait a minute.
No.
I'm not gonna do that.
Because the window will be open and then my wife will hear me talking out this window and into her window on the other floor.
Fuck it.
Let's just cook in here.
Let's just you and me cook.
And talk about cookin' drugs.
Cookin' Mary Jane.
But, um...
Yeah, your news resolution as you get older is, I want to try more marijuana.
I have to get back on the marijuana train.
It's good for my marriage.
It's good for horror movies.
It's good for comedies.
I want to smoke pot again.
But it's like saying I want to get back on doing LSD.
Like, it's just too intense.
I remember when I was a kid, my parents would have pot in the closet and it was like a garbage bag's worth.
And that would be maybe two parties.
Because it was like sub-tobacco back then.
Tobacco got you higher.
And now, this stuff, I've tried it recently.
It's crippling.
You don't want to call ER.
And I'm sorry if I've already said that story, but I can't remember.
There's actually a video of me doing it, where I smoked a big, huge bong hit at Rooster, when I had that ad agency Rooster, and it was... Oh, God.
It was hell on earth.
Crippling.
Maybe it's because when you get older you don't like being out of control.
You know, the idea of doing mushrooms or LSD or even MDMA at this age.
It was fun when you were 21 and they thought you could bankrupt me, sue me, kill me, I don't give a shit.
But now when you have, you know, mortgages and properties and taxes and children and you're worried about their education, the idea of being on acid.
Oh my god, I want to puke just thinking about it.
What a different world.
But I think pot is good for you.
And I think it's great for a marriage.
I think it's great for sex.
It's great for making movies crazier.
I remember when I was dating my wife, um, we smoked some dubes and we watched The Others.
Which, I don't like when I bring this up with people and they go, oh man, you didn't figure out that movie at the first fucking 10 minutes?
So predictable.
Fuck you.
It is an excellent horror movie.
And it is cripplingly scary.
The secret to a horror movie, by the way, is there has to be plausibility.
So, like, the fog is a good concept, because I don't know what's in the fog.
Jaws is a horror movie, by the way.
No, it's a thriller.
Fuck you, it's a horror movie.
Because I don't know what's in the water.
Maybe there is a giant shark.
Sharks are five million years old.
Maybe there's a shark I hadn't heard about.
I can get into that.
It's darkness in the sea.
But when it's like, no offense to young people, but Freddy?
Or even Jason.
I gotta admit, I was scared of Jason because I saw that movie when I was a young man.
And, you know, horror has different generations, right?
Like, with my people, I'm Gen X, so we're petrified of the forest because Jason is there and he's gonna kill us.
By the way, handy trick if you're walking through the forest and you don't want Jason to kill you.
Say things that are incongruous, that couldn't possibly be in a horror movie, and they don't fit the scenario.
So if you're walking through a forest in pitch blackness at 2 in the morning, go, I like Mickey Mouse!
He's my friend!
Look at his white gloves!
I wish I had white gloves!
That would never be in a Friday the 13th movie.
So, for some reason, Jason won't appear and kill you.
It has to be silly.
And then the next generation, so young Gen X, old Millennials, they're obsessed with Freddy.
Which I couldn't give less of a shit about Freddy.
I had a nightmare last night that I lost my wallet.
In the dream I go, you didn't lose your wallet dude, wake up.
Or just accept.
Actually, you know what?
I remember this vividly.
Not vividly, but pretty good.
Keep dreaming, dude.
Just know you didn't lose your wallet.
You're good.
You're thinking you lost your wallet because you drank too much and you feel like you lost control.
And so your body is trying to punish you for drinking too much.
And so it's using the wallet as a metaphor.
But you're good.
Okay.
Thanks, brain.
Hey, can I fly?
No, we're not that advanced.
Oh, okay.
Can I, like, kill a nun or something?
Why, you wanna kill a nun?
No, no, no, no, I'm just wondering what the parameters are of this lucid dreaming.
It's, you know what, I'm like a bureaucrat in my own lucid dream getting annoyed with my own asleep brain.
You know what, fuck you.
Sometimes I have these ideas, though, when I'm asleep, that I think are fucking brilliant.
And sometimes I wake up and go, that's the stupidest idea in the world.
But sometimes I wake up and I go, dude, that is intense.
You have a gift.
Let me give you two examples.
And I've discussed this on my previous show, TGMS.
Um, I, I had a dream once.
Deep, deep, deep sleep.
And in the deep REM, I had an epiphany.
And I remember thinking, I'm gonna be a rich man.
Not that I'm not.
Uh, with bumper stickers and t-shirts.
This is the funniest concept ever made!
Holy shit, this is funny!
Wow!
Gavin!
I wish I had removed four ribs because I want to blow you.
This is so funny.
And then I woke up and went, holy shit, it's amazing that your own brain could be so wrong about something.
This is the joke.
How many people want money?
Here's the punchline.
Eight.
That's the entire joke, my friend.
Now, obviously, everyone wants lots of money.
So the joke is, no, not everyone, only eight people.
And I thought it would be t-shirts and hats and you'd write it on your skateboard.
Nope.
That's because it's not a funny fucking joke.
But I was asleep the other night having nightmares.
Do you ever get the horrors?
If you drink more than two bourbons and say five beers, That's not good.
And you wake up at four in the morning with unbelievable terrors.
Night terrors, but not like screaming night terrors, but the Irish call it tahars.
And you have to go downstairs and get water.
And I honestly believe, and I've talked to surgeons and stuff about this.
I honestly believe it's your liver saying, I ran out of water to clean the blood, so I need you to wake up and go get some water.
Because I can't breathe.
I can't, no not I can't breathe, but I can't keep cleaning the blood.
Because that's what a hangover is.
It, you need a ton of water to clean the blood, right?
The alcohol blood.
And um...
When they run out, they start taking water from the brain and using that valuable brain water, water that would normally be up there in the top of your head.
So your brain's dehydrated when you wake up because they used up all the brain water to clean the blood.
There's a lot of cleaning that's got to go on.
You drank a lot of rotten corn, my friend.
So, when you wake up at 4 in the morning with night terrors and horrible thoughts about your children being killed and all this horrible shit, go chug water, milk, whatever.
And not only will you not be hungover in the morning, but you'll be able to go back to sleep.
And just look at your phone for 40 minutes.
You're not going back to sleep for 40 minutes.
Anyway, that's a tangent.
So here's a brilliant idea I had.
You know how When you look up the origin of superheroes, it's like with Daredevil, by the way.
And I'm not into superheroes.
I don't like when adults are into superheroes.
The reason I know this is because I wrote an article for Tacky Mag about superhero origin.
I can't remember why, but I did discover, after researching about 50 of them, that radioactive waste is big.
In the superhero community.
Probably because it happened in, like, the 60s and 70s and stuff, and even 50s, and the Cold War, and everyone was worried about radiation.
Maybe that's why Stan Lee came up with all these radioactive wastes.
Like Daredevil, for example.
There was a truck going through the Bronx.
I think Stan Lee's a New Yorker, so everyone's in New York, like Spider-Man.
And it was turning a corner, and toxic sludge came out of the truck and hit Daredevil in the eyes, blinding him, but making him super-duper.
There's a little tiny guy, I think.
Like, maybe it's Adam.
Not the ant dude, but another tiny, tiny guy.
And he was on top of a giant plate that was above a nuclear explosion.
The Hulk, that was a nuclear explosion.
Spider-Man was a radioactive spider.
The Flash was different.
The Flash was a chemist.
And he was standing looking at every chemical in the world like the periodic table of the elements in beakers, which I'm not sure is even possible, and there was a lightning storm and lightning hit the shelf of the periodic table of the elements, fell on him, and then the next day he's running for a bus and just goes past it and he goes, holy shit, I'm the Flash.
So, The premise is this scientist guy, who's like me, kind of a fuck up.
He wants to create an X-Men type scenario.
And he's rich, so he has a big mansion out in the Hamptons.
And he wants to have a team of superheroes.
But he only knows, like, a... Well, he gets a bunch of good guys together.
Athletes, smart people, scientists, astronauts, retired astronauts, and, you know, some cool black guy who's, like, good at track, and a couple friends, and some tough guys.
Sort of like Ocean's Eleven, really.
And he assembles a team.
What the hell's that sound?
I hear, like, a motor somewhere.
Anyway, he assembles a team.
Oh, I know what that sound was.
It was a fart brewing.
He assembles a team, and he says, alright guys, and they all agree to it, they sign waivers and stuff, and he goes, I'm gonna make the new X-Men.
The name of the show, by the way, is Y-Men.
Letter Y, dash M-E-N, question mark.
So, take the black guy for example, right?
He's a super cool ninja dude, like the cool ice guy from The Incredibles.
He puts him in a room, he hits him with radiation and maybe some chemicals, I don't know.
The end result is Beetlejuice.
Literally, the actual guy.
And what you do is, you have all these people who look like Howard Stern's Whack Pack.
Obviously, you have to do this with Howard Stern.
You can't.
You can't go solo.
Although, Howard Stern did rip Blue Iris from us.
He stole Blue Iris from our Perry Project.
What are you talking about, Gavin?
Oh, the Perry Project.
It's a quarter-century prank that I'm involved in, and it involved many of our own Whack Packers that Don Barris accumulated, and he calls them the, um...
Are they called the Ding Dong Crew?
I haven't talked to Don in a while and I'm tired.
It's about 2 in the morning now.
But Blue Iris was one of these weirdos that he found and Howard Stern stole her.
But I'm not going to steal them back.
Anyway, the concept is...
It becomes, like, High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice, Wendy the Retard, all these whack-packers that drunk Jeff the Drunk, they are all accidents after you set up this booth, this This big radiation room.
So, like, say the guy that you put in looks like Carl Weathers, right?
He's like, alright, let's do this.
I'm ready to rock.
I'm ready to become the cool ice guy from The Incredibles.
And we put him in the room.
And then with the same clothes, Beetlejuice comes out and goes, how'd that go, bitch?
How'd that work out?
Same with Wendy the Retard.
High Pitch Eric was like a genius scientist who was also a soprano maybe?
Like a singer?
And he goes in there and he starts singing and he was gonna have this incredible voice that could like shatter stuff and control the universe and make trucks fly through the air but you know the radiation fucks up and he becomes High Pitch Eric.
So the premise is That this radiation didn't work out.
And then the final result, and that's the beginning of every show.
You do a little montage and you show them going from like Carl Weathers to Beetlejuice.
And then the show is like Big Brother, but it's just the Whack Packers.
And maybe they have like costumes on and stuff, but you can't script it and you just let them do their thing.
And then you have the character, the scientist.
I would like it to be me.
Could be anyone.
And he wants to be like the bald dude in the wheelchair, right?
Whatever his name is.
The head of the X-Men.
And he is really depressed.
That his experiment hasn't worked.
But he feels beholden to these people because before they were whack-packers, they were his friends, they were his peers, they were his fellow scientists, they were athletes, they were ex-MI5, ex-Navy SEALs, ex-Marines, like they were the cream of the crop of America.
And maybe you show, maybe you have actors that look like high pitch Eric and you juxtapose them with like things they did but ultimately you'd have to just let these freaks you know do their own thing and then sort of in post you'd have to create a plot for that particular episode because wrangling these people would be like wrangling cats and that's why most TV execs would probably say no because no one wants to deal with these people.
Like, remember Eric the actor?
Before he died, getting him to go anywhere was a nightmare, and he needed his van, and his parents had to be there, and they all have medication.
Like, even if someone pitched this to me, and I was Howard Stern, I'd go, great idea, but I'm not dealing with these fucking lunatics.
Sorry.
Great plan.
But I've dealt with the handicapped, and they're not fun.
Remember a long time ago we did a Vice issue called the Special Issue and it was all down syndrome and handicapped guys.
They ended up doing a How's Your News.
It was the crew from an MTV show of mentally handicapped people called How's Your News.
Great guy.
The guy who ran it was cool.
Kind of naive.
And I remember there was a, one of the dudes had cerebral palsy or something and he couldn't have been more handicapped.
Like his normal demeanor was like someone being tased.
And Terry Richardson did the shoot and he had a leather jacket on with his collar up.
And Terry just was taking a bunch of shots and one of the pictures had this guy just looking like James Dean.
Like for all his facial contortions, just when the click happened, his face happened to just, it was that split second a day where he looked really cool.
And I said, dude would have been a badass if it wasn't for cerebral palsy.
And the guy, the handler, I called him back then, but I don't use such horrible terms now, the comrade, the facilitator, said he was mad at me for that photo caption.
And he said, to me, he is a badass.
I'm sure he's a great person, but he's not a badass.
That word has been ruined, especially by feminists recently.
But a badass is someone who's going to kill you.
If you hear that Joey Buttafuoco is mad at you and Joey Buttafuoco is a badass, you should feel scared.
That's how you know what a badass is.
If I heard that Like, Jimmy Kimmel wanted to kill me?
I would go, well that's crazy.
If I heard someone in a gang like DMS, or MS-13, or the Aryan Brotherhood, or the Mongols, or even the Hells Angels.
Sorry, I didn't even mean even.
Sorry guys.
Even if I heard a cop wanted to kill me, I'd go, oh, really?
Wait a minute.
Wait, who said that?
Wait, wait, why?
Wait, could I get the real story to them?
I didn't say that.
When someone who's in a wheelchair, where they have to strap your ankles to the base of it, It's like that time we were in Toronto visiting my brother up there and we were wearing MAGA hats and we were in a bar I think it's called Pharmacy or something?
PHX or what's that acronym for drugs?
RHX?
RX?
Something like that.
And so we go there and, you know, Toronto is like Berkeley.
It's like Seattle.
It's like LA.
Everyone's on the same page.
Trump is Hitler.
So when you wear a MAGA hat, it's ostentatious.
It's audacious.
And so we're sitting talking and there's this woman going, Fuck you!
This happens all the time, by the way, when we wear MAGA hats, and when I see women mad, first of all, I have a buzz, because I'm Scottish, and I'm ready to brawl.
So, if it's someone, like, slightly bigger than me and slightly heavier than me, the adrenaline starts going and I go, this is it, boys, this might be it.
We're about- shit's about to go down.
But when it's a woman, and you have that sort of liquid courage, you're just like, there's a mouse yelling at me.
Like, it's cute.
You barely register it.
You can never remember what her face looks like the next day.
But there's this woman at a bar going, fuck you!
Get out of here, you fucker!
And I just feel nothing.
It's like my dog.
My daughter's dog.
I feel nothing.
You could die.
You could not die.
You can even attack me.
And I was marveling at that emotion, because it's weird to have someone screaming at you, wanting to kill you, and to feel nothing but serenity.
Like, I could... She could have been doing that, and I could have been a Japanese calligrapher working on some of my characters, and my characters would have still looked good.
Like, I would have gone, Dot, by the way Japan, you might want to update your fucking language.
If you need a paintbrush to do your language, you're in the dark ages guys.
Come on.
Have you seen our language?
They're like basically binary digits.
R-O-N-A-L-D-B-I-G-G-S.
Easy peasy.
If you hear a word BORT, you go, hmm, that's probably like a B, an O, an R, and maybe a T. That's how I would spell that sound.
What do they do in Asia?
I would paint a man on a train wearing a hat, and he'd have two dots by his nose.
Stupid language.
But anyway, I felt that calm when she was going to go kill us.
And I was saying to my brother, I go, isn't it funny how a woman can be screaming?
Like if there was a man over there screaming and he wanted to kill us, I would just, I'd be petrified.
I'd go, holy shit, this is going down.
Where's the exit?
Uh, you guys have my back.
I mean, he might have a knife, he could be a psychopath.
But, uh, I know, you know, I know nothing that bad could happen from her crazy antics.
Plus, when women are drunk, they're even more hysterical.
And if men act hysterical, they're ready to throw down.
You know what I mean?
So if you see a man going, FUCK YOU!
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
You know, he will.
He's ready.
He's already announced it.
If a woman says, FUCK YOU!
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
You go, alright, honey.
Calm down.
And that sounds sexist, I'll admit.
But it's true.
You know she's not going to slit your throat.
So, I've told this story a million times, but, um, I said to my brother, uh, you know, and you know it's not going to get dangerous, you know she doesn't have a knife.
And then some liberal dude next to him goes, oh yeah?
How do you know that?
And I go, what?
And he goes, how do you know she doesn't have a knife?
And I go, yeah, yeah, she has a knife.
She's packing a knife.
She went out tonight, she put her makeup on, her purse, and then she was like, oh yeah, don't let me forget my buck knife with the brass knuckle handle and the bloodletting divots on the side that are for slitting bears' throats, where I can really drain the blood after I hit your juggler.
And he goes, she could.
And I hate that attitude so much.
Like, yeah, midgets play basketball.
Women have knives.
And then the guy next to me, I can't remember if it was my brother or not, but he goes, yeah, yeah, that's true.
No, he's right, man.
Dogs could have knives.
And he starts going, like, I can't do it.
I don't want to wake up the house.
It's late at night here.
But he starts banging the bar going, dogs don't have knives.
Dogs don't have knives.
Dogs.
And it's shaking.
Our pints are moving across the bar like an earthquake because he's pounding the bar so hard saying dogs don't have knives.
By the way, this story is so old and I've told it so many times that people made t-shirts that say dogs don't have knives and it features a dog with a knife in his mouth.
Anthony Cumia wears it all the time.
How did I get there?
I don't know.
I guess I was talking about Mega hats and how men and women are different.
Is that what it was?
I don't poop.
I'm usually better at getting back on track with these tangents, but that one is just fucking gone.
It might come up later.
But I started this podcast to talk about being baked.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Was that my Why Man idea?
No, that was... I'm basically Joe Rogan.
You know those times you're listening to Joe Rogan and people go, people listen to him and he goes, what the fuck was I talking about?
And then he spends another minute going, what was it?
Was it the MAGA hat?
No, he doesn't do that.
He's a professional.
By the way, when I went to London, holy shit, Joe Rogan is huge there.
In the crowd, I had to do those stupid selfies, which I hate.
But everyone's like, oh, I know you from Joe Rogan.
Are you Joe Rogan again?
Fucking Joe Rogan is brilliant.
You know, Joe, can you say hi to Joe Rogan for me?
I don't get that in America.
In America, they know me from YouTube and Rebel and stuff.
But, uh...
Holy shit, Joe Rogan is massive!
He red-pilled a generation.
And he got away with it.
In the sense that no one wants to kill him.
Like that, uh... Prophets of Rage, you know this band?
Chuck D and Rage Against the Machine?
They did a song called Radicalize!
You know, you radicalize!
And it's all about being woke and waking up to fucking disgusting Nazi pigs like Donald Trump!
And then it blows up his head.
And I'm watching it going, whoa, this is badass.
I grew up listening to Public Enemy.
Now I'm listening to them as an older guy, but they're still fucking pretty intense, man.
I mean, I like Trump, but yeah, blow it up.
And then they show my head blowing up.
And I go, I don't like that.
Don't blow up my head.
And then I'm watching the rest of the video and Joe Rogan is there with like Michael Moore and all these other cool guys as examples of cool radicals.
Yeah, radicalize.
I'm watching going, why does Joe get a pass?
Joe's the same as me.
I mean, he doesn't hate Islam as much as I do, but he's a pretty, you know, I was gonna say pretty open-minded dude, meaning those are the bad guys these days, the open-minders, like Jordan Peterson.
I saw a thing today, he was in some debate, they're called the Merski debates or something, and the criticism from him was from some black academic, and they go, you're nothing but a mean white man.
You're mean.
Mean is not an insult.
My dad is mean.
It's my favorite trait about him.
My brother was telling me a story the other day where he was at a bar and this 60 year old woman was touching his face and she goes, we need to work with this.
What are we going to do with this?
You're not bad.
Like there is something in there.
Obviously you're ugly, but the, the facial hair is actually the problem.
I think the facial hair could save you and, All the damage it's doing to your look right now, it could actually save you.
You've got a mustache.
You've got to cut this better.
This has to be shaved.
Obviously, I have to lose weight.
I'm not blind.
And she goes on and on insulting his hair, his body, touching his shoulders.
And then at the end of the session, she kisses him on the cheek and she goes, it's okay.
My son's gay.
I still love him.
And she walks away.
And the bartender says to my brother, I am so sorry about that.
She's never coming in here again.
Look, just don't hold that against us.
And my brother goes, what are you talking about?
That woman was hilarious.
If she wasn't 60, I would start dating her right now.
It's called being funny.
What do you think?
I'm crying now because a 60-year-old doesn't like my facial hair?
It's sort of like that dude everyone is attacking Um, who said that the Mexicans should be speaking English.
He was being rude!
What, we're anti-rude now?
So that guy, he's got kicked out of his office space, his law firm's being attacked, and he's called a racist, by the way, which is a British thing.
Brits used to have this thing where if you hate a group like, say, the Amish, then you're a racist, even though you're white and they're white.
Racist over there means a group that you said a bad thing about.
We used to be absolved of that.
Racism in America used to be about race.
Not anymore.
What he did was racist.
No, he said, you should be speaking Spanish here in Manhattan.
And there's a great argument for that.
Pro or con, it's an interesting debate.
I mean, I could watch that debate for an hour.
It's a contentious question.
It's not a given.
And he said, I'm going to call ICE on you.
Yeah, that's rude and mean.
By the way, the woman filming him said you should get hit by a bus.
So everyone was on the same page.
We're good.
One of the things that attracted me to New York is people are rude here.
I'm a rude person.
I'm a drunk Scott, genetically.
And I like confrontation.
I like saying bad shit about people.
My brother likes when 60-year-olds touch his face and kiss him on the cheek and say, my son's gay, it's okay.
That's funny.
Me and my dad, when we drink, it's like 70% insults.
You take that away and you've lost New York.
That's not New York culture.
Now I understand if you're in the Midwest and you want to be nice, by all means, and I admire that.
But that's not the deal here.
The deal here in New York is you're rude.
And I got to tell you, hanging out with Tommy in London, Tommy Robinson, I was reminded Of that, because I'm getting brainwashed, by the way, by these social justice warriors and all this political correctness.
I'm starting to think that I'm, there's something wrong with me.
And then I go to meet Tommy from the airport.
First of all, the guy who picks me up, as I mentioned on a previous episode, has a cesarean scar across his face.
He's a murderer.
And I go meet Tommy, and he's there with his son and his cousin.
His cousin's called Fish Lips, because he has big lips, or he's also called Nemo, the fish Nemo.
And, uh, he says to the boy, Tommy's son, he's like, you're right, mate.
You need a booster seat.
And his son is like nine.
He's got a great attitude.
He's like, no, I don't want one of those.
And he goes, well, your dad needs one.
Cause Tommy Robinson's short.
And then everyone slaps their knee and laughs like a Viking.
And I realized that was a mean thing to say to Tommy, that he's short.
The name Fish Lips is mean, because you do have fish lips.
And we're all laughing our heads off, because all of those things are funny.
And the guy, the evil lawyer, who's being chased all over the country now, he was being totally inappropriate and rude.
What the fuck is the matter with that?
That's what humor is.
Go watch Lenny Bruce.
Go watch Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy said that his problem with gays is that some of them are too big and they'll rip your dick off.
I think he said, if you fuck Mr. T in the ass, Mr. T will clench his butt cheeks and pull your dick off.
That's not true, obviously.
And it's also a hilarious concept.
And by the way, we all talk like that in bars.
Like even in a serious note, we've said, uh, my wife, you know, or my wife, I'm not talking about my wife, but a lady jerking you off, you know, it's, she can't really do too much damage, but what about like some big bodybuilder jerking you off and he's maybe drunk and he's in a bad mood?
Couldn't he just not rip it off, but tear it at the seams?
Couldn't he do some damage to the base?
That's a, that's both true and hilarious as a concept and worth exploring.
That's my problem with all this shit, is we're becoming anti-exploring.
Maybe that's... It's funny that we're smoking a lot of pot, yet we've become so incurious.
Because pot is about that scene in Animal House where Donald Sutherland, and by the way, I'm him with AIDS, is sitting around and they say, we could all just be in the molecule of a giant's pinky.
That's a cool concept.
By the way, if that is true, I'm no longer a Christian.
If there's a Superman or aliens, I'm out.
We have to be the top.
God has to have made us as his creation.
If there's any tricks up his sleeve, like there's a Superman...
Peace out, you're dumped, God.
It's like Alex Jones says about Trump.
If he fucks up, we'll drag him out of the White House by his heels.
If God makes Superman, I will drag him out of heaven by his heels and say, fuck you, bitch.
So, it's possible...
Drugs and alcohol shaped my personality because I think that pot and hallucinogenic drugs made me curious and able to, they made me capable of counterintuitive thinking, where someone can say more guns, less crime.
And I go, huh, that doesn't make sense, but let me mull that over.
Really?
Let me check the data.
And then booze, And also, booze, you can get to a level of booze, like half a bottle of bourbon, where it's sort of like pot and you can get introspective and confront fears.
I'm totally against therapy.
I hate listening to Howard Stern when he talks about therapy all the time.
There's homemade therapy, it's called a bottle of booze.
And you can go into new places.
And I feel like, post-Trump, we have a real war on curiosity and experimentation, and just weird concepts.
Oh yeah?
What about multiple genders, Gavin?
That's a weird concept that you're incapable of thinking of.
No, no.
I'm totally capable of thinking of it.
I've been thinking of it since I first met trannies in 1988.
My problem with the tranny movement is they're demanding mainstream acceptance.
I had a guy I forget who it was.
He texted me the other day.
He goes, would you say that the trans movement is more punk rock or rock and roll?
As far as the early stages go of those musical movements.
And I said, the thing about those musical movements is they didn't demand mainstream acceptance.
They went, I'm punk rock.
Fuck you.
I have, I'm Sid Vicious.
I have a swastika on my chest.
I don't even know what it means, but I know you hate it.
I'm going up the River Thames, and we're singing God Save the Queen on the Queen's Jubilee, and we're gonna get arrested.
We're not that elaborate.
We're just a giant fuck you.
And rock and roll was the same way.
I believe rock and roll, and I got this from Jim Goad, is the rage of African slaves and their drum beats, and the rage of white slaves, the Irish, and their guitars.
And that disenfranchised ostracization met in a perfect storm, and you had rage on guitar, rage on drums, boom-ba-dum-ba-jam-ba-jam-jam, boom-ba-dum-ba-jam-ba-jam, teenage rebels, woo-woo-woo!
It's funny that I chose the Stray Cats as an example of that.
Should have said Eddie Cochran.
Look at that!
Here she comes!
Here comes that girl again!
It's pure American rebellion.
and is totally unique to America.
And neither of those things wanted mainstream acceptance.
If anything, the trans movement is Scientology.
It's a weirdo thing that demands you accept it.
It demands governmental promotion.
The Scientologists demanded they get tax-free exempt status, they get accepted as a religion.
Trans is the same thing.
They want bathrooms, they want legitimization.
That's not a rebellion, okay?
That's not thinking outside the box.
That's trying to bring weird shit into a box.
And leave it there.
So, if I had the, I don't know, gumption?
Discipline?
To go talk to one of my young friends and get pot, I would.
Because I think drugs are great for you.
Obviously heroin is not.
Cocaine's pretty crazy.
That's good for business.
I see it more as an office supply.
Same with Adderall.
I mean, people who do Adderall recreationally are insane.
You're doing speed.
But, um, I don't know.
Marijuana, beer, whiskey, you know, normal things.
I think it's very healthy for you.
Sorry.
I know this is conservative review television, but...
I think it helps you.
I mean, I did so much LSD and hallucinogenic mushrooms, magic mushrooms as a young man, that when I have the hiccups, I can just go, I do not want these anymore.
And I stopped having hiccups.
Like my brain has extra nooks and crannies now because of this.
And that's, I think it was, was it Steve Jobs who said that?
There's a great book called Free Radicals.
And it's various scientists discussing their experiences with hallucinogenics and how it helped them explore.
And I really do believe that.
I mean, you gotta be easy with that stuff.
I think if you do LSD more than like seven or 10 times, you're considered legally insane.
So I'm not talking about like 20 times, but you should try it like three or four times.
It takes your brain to new places and I think despite all this information...
There is, the left in particular, is at a new height of incuriosity.
I don't think they've ever been less adventurous mentally.
I don't think they've ever been less tolerant.
I don't think they've ever been less fun.
I don't think they've ever been less sexy, sexual.
I don't know.
They've never been less human.
And, uh, It's dangerous because the funnest part about living in this part of the world is that we take risks.
You know, the Japanese are smarter than us, but they haven't invented anything because they're not a risky culture.
I just saw a guy who invented a fucking cement that is living.
So when it cracks, it goes, uh oh, I cracked, and it heals itself.
I know this sounds nuts, but in the mix, he adds bacteria and food.
It's dead, right?
Like that, you know that weird micro animal, the water bear?
It can be dead for a thousand years and then it gets some water and it's alive.
Then it can go back to dust.
Then it can go back to alive.
So it's that kind of a scenario.
And he mixes that in.
And so when there's a crack in the cement, the water goes in.
It feeds this dead bacteria dust and the food around it, that comes alive, I guess mixes with, oh yeah, it's like calcium or something, and then it seals the hole.
That's a person who is thinking outside the box.
We have to remember that being offensive and being rude and saying horrible things to people is totally healthy and good.