Get Off My Lawn Podcast #43 | Why does everything have to be so perfumed?
I start out crapping on doggie doo doo bags and how much I hate that they’re perfumed. This starts a whole rant about all the things I hate including flip-flops, fake boobs, baby boomers’ ring tones, the beeping sound trucks make when they go in reverse, helmets on ski slopes, and the way restaurants give everyone a gigantic glass of water before anyone orders anything. I thought the common thread for all of these would be deception but self-indulgence and cowardice are also big contenders. When I become dictator, all of this will be abolished.
I got to make it look like a weird bowling ball tumor.
And so they got them.
And I actually did meet a guy who likes them.
And I felt like I said, dude, you should be in a museum.
I want to put you in a little glass booth and people can ask you questions.
You're feeling something that's man-made.
So my dad could have them.
That tit you're feeling right now, that's my dad's chest.
He shaved it, he stretched the skin, and now he has a fake tit.
Now, if you've had a mastectomy or something, I'm sorry to shit on your tits.
But that's obviously, you're fine.
You're good.
Melissa, if you're listening to this, I know you're missing a nipple.
I think you should get one tattooed on.
You have to concede that your fake tit isn't as nice as your real tit.
It's not gross.
It's not like guys go, ew, whatever.
Men are very open.
In fact, the fattest cow, that one who looks like Grimace at Walmart, she has four kids.
There's a dude who's like, whatever, I'll just do it from the back.
So we're not very strict.
But if you want to get down to it, we're not fans of those.
I don't think that they're made for men even.
Like every time you see any kind of plastic surgery too, that you always see the husband, this on reality shows or whatever, and the husband goes, whatever makes her happy, I told her not to bother.
I mean, I'm worried about the operation, but whatever makes her happy, they all sound like JD on Stern.
Whatever makes her happy, I don't care.
But yeah, perfume is a violation.
I was on a plane once and there was an old lady in front of me with perfume.
And I'm sitting there going, how is this different than a fart?
She's invading my face.
When you fart on someone, right, you're pooing in their head.
There's tiny particles of feces going into the sinuses, into the lungs.
You're taking a crap.
You're literally shitting in me.
And Jay Johnson once beat me up for farting in his face.
That's the tall guy from Mr. Show and the Sarah Sobman Show.
Then he reeked up my house with his feet once without wearing shoes.
I go, Jay, how is this different from me farting on you?
The rotten particles of skin on your feet that have been festering in your shoe and growing, God knows what kind of bacteria.
If you had a microscope, it probably looks like the Star Wars bar down there.
And then those particles float through there and go in my body.
Your rotting feet, your rotting skin, your rotting Star Wars bar bacteria is in my fucking lungs, you pig.
He didn't even see.
He was like, whatever.
I'll wash my shoes, relax.
Yeah, but I don't get to beat you up because you're a legal giant, as Andy Dick once called him.
So the perfume on that woman.
Now, perfume, I also hate being lied to.
That's why I gave up being a vegetarian after 15 years.
Because I was sitting there having my soy bacon and my nofu and my, no, no, tofu.
You know what meat is?
Meat is nofu.
It's not tofu.
It's for meat eaters.
I'll have my no-foo well done, please.
I'm funny.
No, I'd have my like, what's it called?
No-furkey or whatever.
My various puns they do for their meats.
And it's just soy, right?
With like wood chips or whatever.
No, it's not wood chips.
That's dog food, but it's soy.
And it's then bacon spray from a chemist.
So I'm being duped into having fake bacon.
And I go, wait a minute, that's what dog food is.
When they say it's like smoked hickory bacon dog food, it's just sawdust, soy, and then the flavoring.
And I go, I'm a dog now.
I'm being duped.
And with any kind of perfume, I don't want you lying to me.
Like, what am I supposed to think?
This old lady was rolling around in a flowerbed for hours?
She reeked up the whole fucking plane.
I'm still mad at her.
I had to put my shirt over my face, which you often have to do in New York, by the way.
Having a mustache in New York City is a blessing.
All I have to do is turn my top lip up.
And now, all those disgusting cab drivers, that's riskless.
Okay, go ride some taxis in New York City and get back to me.
You don't seem to like brown people very much.
I don't seem to like to smell people very much that reek.
And New York taxicabs reek.
And I yell at them sometimes.
I say, should we pull over at this CVS?
I will pay for your deodorant.
It's called Arm and Hammer.
They don't even know what I'm talking about.
It's not like they forgot to change your shirt that day.
They don't know that you're not supposed to drink 700 coffees, not eat, piss in a plastic bag they leave on the side of the road, and just process fat through your armpits.
They don't know about it.
By the way, if you're in a fight with a cab driver, which I am once a day, don't say fuck you or you're a bitch or anything.
That's our swear words.
That's what makes us mad.
You have to use their thing and you have to say, your uncle is a donkey.
I know it doesn't sound that bad to us.
We have different values.
They don't like animals over there.
They like their uncle.
That's a doozy.
One time I said, I got out of the cab.
I go, I'm not paying to be subjected to your body odor.
And I got out of the cab and I said, and by the way, you smell like a goat.
And his eyes almost popped out of his head.
He was so furious.
And he was so furious that he delivered this shitty comeback.
He went, you smell like a goat.
Whoa, touched a nerve.
I can't wait to tell everyone about your kryptonite.
Apparently, you gentlemen have an Achilles heel.
And it is anthropomorphic analogies.
So, this stupid bitch in her perfume.
But it's a problem I have everywhere.
Like, I took my dog for a walk this morning, and I take his shitbag, and I put it in, you know, I clean it up, I throw it in the garbage.
And now, my fingers actually, right now they still smell like it.
They smell of the perfume that they put on shit bags.
What are you doing?
Are you saying that there's poo on my hand, and then you're going to cover that disgusting scent with a nice chemistry flowery scent?
I don't want poo on my hand.
It's like when they scent gas.
Like, you know, there's a propane leak because you can smell it.
Pooh has a scent for an evolutionary reason.
You want to get it away from you.
The ones who like the smell of poo are extinct.
So, if there's a poo smell on my fingers, I want to know about it.
And there isn't because I did it with a plastic bag, and plastic is not a semi-permeable membrane.
So why'd you perfume my hands?
And this is what drives me nuts.
I eat a croissant with my hands.
By the way, Canadians, never say croissant in America.
If you pronounce any French words correctly, they think you're hoity-toity and they want to fight you.
So say croissant, or the whole lineup will get stopped as people yell at you.
They hate the French here in America, which is ironic because I'm from Montreal, where the French are trash.
Like, we call them peppers or Pepsis because Pepsi was cheaper than Coke and they could never afford Coke.
So you'd always see French people with Pepsis and English people with Cokes.
So they became Pepsis.
They're poor.
They're stupid.
And then you come here and, ooh, la-di-da-da, you're French.
And you're like, fuck you, I'm not a pepper.
I'm smart.
I have money.
I'm not French.
And you come here and it's all about race.
Was that racist?
You go, race?
What do you mean, black guys?
You mean those Haitians?
They're nerds.
Because in Quebec, if you're black, then you're Haitian.
And if you're Haitian and you got out of that shithole and you made it to Quebec, you're loaded.
So all the black kids in Montreal are rich.
They all wear scarves with their blazers and have these really posh French accents.
They're the only French people that aren't stupid and poor.
Are the black people.
Any Hizzel.
I eat with my fingers.
So you're getting your stupid fake flowers in my face.
You go to the sink to wash because you're going to eat soon.
Say you're going to eat nachos with your hands.
So you go to the sink, you wash your hands, now you have fucking flower hands.
Now I got to eat your chemical flowers every time I have a nacho.
I don't want that.
You know what deodorant I use?
Armenhammer baking powder scentless, just thing.
And it stops my shirts from reeking, which means I have to do less laundry and I'm not uncomfortable around people because I'm not sending my body particles into their lungs.
Why can't everything be like that?
Why can't there be baking powder soap?
And stop scenting my bags.
That sounds like a colloquialism for stop lying to me.
She came in here.
She's scenting my bags.
I'm not a dummy.
It's like, don't salt my farts.
I said that once by accident, and then I realized that sounds like don't lie to me.
Hey, hey, don't salt my farts.
Tell me like this.
What's the truth?
I don't want you to perfume my bags.
What's going on here?
Most of politics is just a perfumed bag.
I'm alone here in my home studio listening to the Gav show with you.
So yeah, I want to ban perfume.
I mean, I kind of get like on a date.
I remember being a kid and my mom would be all dressed up with my dad and she'd have on like a little scent.
And I remember going, I get that.
You know, my mom's fancy tonight.
It's a fancy night.
No.
I bet, my wife doesn't wear perfume, but I bet if you make out with a chick who has perfume on her neck, I bet it's like acidic on your tongue.
Like if you lick a perfume neck, I bet it burns your tongue.
Get it out of here.
Get all, I love perfume naturally.
I like when you go for a walk.
I love all those smells.
I even like the cow shit smell at farms.
I like the smell when you mow the lawn.
I love being in the country and just going for a walk in the forest and all the different smells.
Yes, please.
Even skunks.
Everyone loves a skunk.
Not close up, but when you drive by.
That's cool.
That's real information.
It all comes back to what I was saying last time about being lied to.
Don't lie to me.
Don't salt my farts.
And perfume is a fucking lie.
So is fake tits.
What about high-heeled shoes, Gavin?
No, that's not a lie.
That's you're presenting something on a nice plate.
You're elevating the buttocks.
You're elongating the leg.
You're hiding the confusing toes.
You're presenting a lady on a pedestal.
That's nice.
Long hair is a lie.
How is it a lie?
What about extensions?
Yeah, that's a lie.
I don't like that.
Why are you arguing with me, me?
So I thought I would take this episode to...
Uh-oh.
Sorry.
I get texts sometimes.
I'm going to jail today.
And I'm bringing my friend, a big-titted chick that I've never met.
Because I promised him I would.
Because I'd imagine when you're in there, you want to see chicks.
But I don't know any chicks.
I asked my old nanny, who has huge tits, hey, I haven't spoken in a while.
This is a little inappropriate, but I'm going to jail to visit a friend who was caught with a handgun, and I want to make sure he sees tits.
Could you come?
She's like, no.
Okay.
Then I asked Brittany Venti.
You can look her up.
She's got insanely good tits.
She's an octoroon.
I think that's a good combination for boobs.
And she texts back, LOL, I'm not an escort.
And then this girl goes, I'm sorry to ask, but I totally forgot my water bottle and I scrambled to get ready.
Can you grab me a coconut water or a Gatorade when you pick me up, please?
Okay.
I'm picking her up in like an hour and a half.
You can't get some Gatorade in an hour and a half?
Whatever works.
By the way, I feel absolutely no shame about this, and I don't care if my wife finds out.
I'm not ogling her.
I'm bringing her to a guy.
I'm doing it as a homosexual.
There's nothing sexual about me doing this.
That's why I asked the nanny, because I thought, this isn't sexual.
It's me trying to bring you as eye candy.
And it could be basically any woman when you've been in jail for a while.
Anyway, I'll tell you about all that in another episode when it's actually happened.
But I wanted to catch up on some things that drive me nuts besides perfume.
And I wouldn't be surprised if the common thread with all this is liz.
All right, I wrote them down for you.
Oh yeah, this drives me insane.
Hey, baby boomers, learn to use a motherfucking cell phone.
First of all, there's no need to call anyone ever.
You send a text.
You don't need alerts on your phone.
When you think that you should check your texts, check your texts.
I just got that one.
My phone didn't vibrate.
It didn't go beep boop.
I just saw the light come on.
If I was walking, I wouldn't feel the light come on.
Don't check your phone when you're walking.
You're not a fireman.
It's not an emergency.
And the goddamn ringtones they have, their ear-shattering ringtones, they're walking in the park.
doodolopa doopity la-da-dee boodolopa dee pa da ba da-ba-dee Hello?
Oh, hi.
Let me get this fucking emergency settled.
It's never important.
You're a baby boomer, by the way.
You guys, your jobs are all fake.
What's your job?
I'm a consultant.
What?
What does that mean?
Oh, when two groups of people are trying to do a deal, I help facilitate the deal.
Oh, so you sit in a chair and talk to people?
Great.
Thanks.
God, the economy, thanks you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Personally, from a person with money in the market, thank you for helping the market move smooth human lube.
But I hate the way they, I hate that their ringtones are so loud.
I hate that they have to answer their phone all the time.
And I hate the way they talk in public.
They're always talking so fucking loud.
If I, and when they can work it, how many times, I have to do selfies with people sometimes, and baby boomers, the millennial will hand the boomer the phone, and you might as well give a baby the nuclear codes.
They have no clue.
And they inevitably push a button.
They go, oh, I pushed something, it's gone.
So when I'm dictator, when I take over America and it becomes a benevolent dictatorship, these are some of the laws I'm going to institute.
No fake tits.
No perfume of any kind.
Perfume is banned.
No scented soaps, no scented shampoo.
No shampoo.
Fuck shampoo.
Guys, if you're bald, it's because you use shampoo and you wear a hat too much.
I keep telling, have you noticed my full head of hair?
Justin Thoreau once said to me, I am so jealous of you.
When I start at the very top of your head and I go down about a quarter inch, I'm jealous.
And then I get to the skull where your brain is and then I stop being jealous.
The reason I have such gorgeous locks that celebrities around the world masturbate thinking about is because I never use shampoo.
I haven't washed my hair in, I don't know when.
Maybe when I was 14?
I don't think I've, I may have never washed my hair.
Probably not since my mommy washed it when I was in the bath as a little kid.
Never washed my hair.
I didn't wash it because I was punk, but then after punk, I had dreads.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
It was a different time, okay?
We're talking 1990.
No one had dreads back then.
Fuck you.
And then I just didn't wash it.
And I have gorgeous supermodel hair.
I have basically what Beyonce is going for, but short and brown.
And by the way, guys, whatever hair you have at, say, 34, 32, that's yours.
You're cryogenically frozen in time.
And gentlemen, if you're going bald before then, your days are numbered, get a ring on it.
Start thinking seriously about who you're going to marry.
If we can start seeing through your bangs, you better get a ring.
Better get a ring.
Because no one is fucking George Costanza.
And then once you're married, no one cares.
I could honestly shave my beard and my wife would not notice.
They don't see you anymore.
I could wear a suit every day.
Well, I do.
I could wear sweatpants.
My wife does not notice.
In fact, a big part of our relationship is disdain.
Like it's, you run out of love or you don't run out of love, but love becomes just one thing.
For example, this morning, I was annoying on purpose and she hated me for it.
And that was just an emotion we had.
That was something we shared.
We're not always hugging and kissing.
Let's try hating each other.
So she was feeding the dog and she was pouring out the dog food.
And she went, God damn it.
And because she's pouring from a big bag and it overpoured.
And then I said, that's way too much as it spilled over the sides, which she obviously knew.
And so she knows I'm just trying to annoy her.
And then she picks up the dog bowl and she starts putting it back in the big bag And it's spilling out onto the floor even more.
And I go, now it's spilling on the floor.
And then the two of them just start rolling towards the stove.
And I go, that one's rolling.
That's going to go under the stove.
Of course, I'm not doing anything to stop it.
I could just put my foot out and that would have stopped it.
I'm purposely antagonizing her.
And she's well aware of it.
And she is resenting me for that and being annoyed.
And that's us having an exchange.
It's like sex.
Sometimes sex is lovemaking.
Sometimes it's hate fucking.
This morning, we were having a hate repertoire.
Anyway, so yeah, boomers on their phones outlawed.
Flip-flops.
I read about this a long time ago, honestly, maybe 15 years ago.
I might have even still been living in Canada at the time.
That would be 20 years ago.
But I remember distinctly reading about an African dictator and autists at home, 4channers, if you can find this, I will blow you.
There was an African dictator who made flip-flops illegal.
God bless his cotton socks, literally.
And his soldiers, his army, would make you eat your flip-flops at gunpoint if they caught you wearing flip-flops.
A man after my own heart.
I will be stealing that law verbatim.
You'll be reading my Constitution, and then all of a sudden it will read like African in Section 3, Clause A4.
And no man will be wearing flip-flops.
There is a constant debate about the beach, and not even in that instance can a man wear flip-flops.
A man can wear chuck tailors till he gets to his towel.
Then he lays down his towel, which will obviously be near the water where the sand is not so hot.
And then he can take them off and he can walk barefoot to the water.
Kids can wear whatever they want, but adults may never ever wear flip-flops.
And you go, I'm in Texas, I'm in Hawaii, I'm in Australia.
What are you doing in Australia with a southern accent?
I need to wear them.
Fuck you, you need to wear them.
In Texas and Florida, men don't even wear shorts.
Real men.
I've seen the show Cops.
Real men who fight cops.
They don't wear shorts.
So you can wear shoes.
I'm not asking you to wear ski boots.
You can wear chucks.
You can wear low-cut vans.
And by the way, low-cut chucks and low-cut vans, when they're really broken in, they basically are sandals.
Like the material gets so thin and breathable that actually, you know what's a funny trick with low-cut chuck tailors?
When you get them really dirty and maybe you wash them or they get totally drenched in mud and then washed off and dried out, they develop this sort of like stiffness where you don't need socks.
They never get juicy again.
They stay dry as hay.
That's at least been my experience.
I don't need to wear socks in the summer.
Sometimes I will wear shorts though.
That's a funny little thing.
I'm not a very predictable dude.
I'm a fun dictator.
That's going to be my motto when I'm running for a dictatorship.
Make America fun again.
You can wear shorts if it's over 86 degrees.
Not sure what.
Alexa, what's 86 degrees Fahrenheit?
86 degrees Fahrenheit is 35 degrees Celsius.
Thank you.
You can wear shorts like that, but they have to be short shorts.
I have been negotiating with the gay community at Camp David for many years, and they said we don't want them anymore.
They've given us back the 70s short shorts, like jorts that don't go, that you can almost see the pockets coming out the bottom and show off your crank and the scoop on your buttocks.
Men are sexy.
Look, the only thing we have is our bulge.
That's our cleavage.
So show it off.
Not with cargo shorts.
Cargo shorts are homophobic.
Those big, stupid, SoCal West customs shorts that fat wreck dudes wear that look like giant short pants.
Those are saying, yo, man, I ain't gay.
I ain't gay.
I'm not showing off my legs or nothing.
Yeah, but you're uncomfortable with pants on.
So you got to be comfortable, but you're not gay.
Wear short shorts.
Tennis shorts.
That's what I like to wear.
Tennis shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, low-cut chucks, Hunter Thompson style.
Perfect.
Hunter Thompson, if he had hair, he would have been a male model.
And he could have had hair if he didn't use fucking shampoo.
So flip-flops are out.
And by the way, Southerners and Hawaiians and Australians, you have a point.
I'm not going to lie.
I mean, I'm up here in the Northeast where it's easy to talk a big game about flip-flops.
But dudes in New York wear flip-flops.
They wear flip-flops to fucking meetings in the city.
So they're walking on their syringes and their rats and their dog shit everywhere and bum vomit and shit, which is really what bum vomit is, right?
It's your ass barfing.
In flip-flops with their hairy toes hanging out.
I don't even really like it when women wear them.
They just look so lazy.
Oh, I can't have shoes on.
I gotta go to the laundromat.
I'm just gonna wear my top on and my sweatpants and this shirt from college and just like my flip-flop.
God, I hate how everyone's so lazy at the airport.
I need wheels.
Oh my God, this thing weighs like 15 pounds.
I have to have wheels on my luggage.
Oh my God, I can't carry this.
And then they go to the gym because they're out of shape because they've never carried anything.
Carry your stuff.
Tom Shalou talks about this all the time.
Carry a suitcase.
Don't have wheels.
Buy your suitcase on eBay.
I hate when men...
When men have their briefcase at work and it looks like a DJ bag.
You know what I mean?
Oh, I can't carry this computer.
I need a strap over my shoulder.
I can't carry eight pounds.
What do you think I am?
Hulk Hogan?
So those are banned.
Flip-flops, fake tits, perfume, bags.
Here's another thing I want to ban.
That meep, meep, meep, meep on reversing trucks.
To the family that I assume had their son run over by a reversing truck and his melon popped like a grape, that's horrible.
My heart goes out to you.
But there's a thing called utility.
Communists love it.
Billy Bragg has this stamp on his records that says, utility, a ration of passion.
And the rationale with utility is, as a philosophy, is if it's for the greater good, we have to measure anecdotal evidence.
So, you know, say there's an explorer who's stuck on a mountaintop and it's going to cost $150,000 to rescue him.
Sorry, buddy.
We'd be out of helicopters if we did this every single time.
So we got to, human life does have a value.
If we can save just one life.
No, that's not what we do.
It sounds good, and women say that, but men go, yeah, I got to cut the fat.
I mean, I have to draw the line somewhere.
So we're only going to rescue people if it's, we can only afford to do like five rescues a year at 40 grand each.
So with all due respect to that family who had better fucking exist, because if this has never happened and we have that meep, beep, beep, beep based on nothing, now I'm really pissed.
Actually, I'm going to make this a whole new category.
Safety.
I hate safety.
And every time you're in the suburbs, some trucks, the worst is in the city.
I would wake up at four in the morning as I live near a bakery in Williamsburg on Metropolitan, 80 Metropolitan, and there's a bakery there.
Beep, beep, beep.
At three in the morning.
Oh yeah, that's good.
Just in case a kid is sleeping on the road and he's going to get his head run over and the driver didn't see a little kid lying on a sleeping bag in the loading dock.
Let's have this stupid beep, beep, beep.
I hate it.
Stop it.
It's not helping anyone.
It's saving one life and ruining 10 million lives.
Well, they're not ruined, Gavin.
No, but it adds up.
That's my point.
It adds up.
Okay, by that rationale, if there's a curb with a little bump in it, because a tree is growing near it, and 100 people almost trip a day, the person who's responsible for that tree should be executed.
Yeah, sort of.
I guess that's kind of what I'm saying.
I guess this communist philosophy has its holes, but I'm just sick of this beep, beep, beep for nothing.
It's like skiing.
I took a long break from skiing because I was a city person.
Now that I have kids, I'm back on the slopes.
And no, I don't mean dating Asian girls again, you racist.
But I'm on the ski hill and everyone has a helmet on.
Kids, moms, dads, everyone.
I look like a freak.
Even my wife freaked out and got the kids' helmets.
But my wife and I are the only ones without helmets.
We look bald.
We look like daredevils.
We look like homeless people.
It's just part of your uniform.
Your goggles go on it, like dads.
And I think when I was a boy, helmets were for retards.
You felt sad when you saw someone with a helmet on.
If someone was riding their bike with a helmet, you'd go, oh, he learned how to ride a bike.
That's adorable.
What great caregivers he has.
Now, everyone has to have a fucking helmet on.
And for what?
I was arguing about this because I guess I said on another podcast, but someone was going, 90% of ski hill fatalities are from someone not wearing a helmet.
Okay, true.
How many fatalities is that?
Two a year?
Out of how many trillion of runs?
Like you think of a ski hill at any given second, one ski hill probably has 280 people going down the hill during that one millisecond where I froze time.
All right, now restart time.
There's all those runs every day.
All those people, all those ski hills, all of America.
It's like car accidents.
I think there's something like 40,000 deaths a year.
That's a miracle when you think of how many cars right now are just missing each other on the freeway trillions and trillions of times a day.
I sounded like William Shatner there.
Trillions and trillions of times a day.
I've never done a Star Trek imitation.
Ah, for good reason.
Every time I hang out with Anthony Coomi, I want him to help me with imitations.
People who do imitations don't want to do that.
They don't enjoy that.
I guess it's one of the things you either have it or you don't.
Like I want to do my tone.
I'll always go like, help me out here.
Is it like, it's a very difficult situation.
And then he'll laugh and do, it's a very difficult situation perfectly.
And then I go, oh, it's like situation.
And then he wants to move on.
He doesn't want to be a vocal coach for some reason.
So yeah, helmets are ridiculous and that fucking beeping has got to stop.
And that brings me to another suburban woe.
No, the trucks is not a suburban woe.
You hear it very rarely.
That's a city woe.
But leaf blowers is a fucking suburban woe.
In my neighborhood, they blow the leaves to the side of the road and then a giant machine comes with a huge vacuum.
It looks like a giant pool.
You know, the pool tubes that the pool vacuums use?
It's like a big fat version of that and it just sucks up the leaves.
Sounds good, right?
Yes.
But that may have been the plan years ago.
Now, I guess people started putting twigs and debris in it so the vacuum couldn't suck it up.
Now you have a pile of crap at the base of your driveway that got blown there by illegals with a leaf blower.
Me!
That takes forever and it doesn't look faster than a rake.
Maybe in a giant field there's an argument and the field is on a cliff and you can just blow the leaves off the cliff.
Maybe.
But as far as suburban lawns, nothing beats a wide rake.
Hey, teens, why did you abdicate the throne to illegals with leaf blowers?
They're doing a way worse Job.
So they blow it to the side of the road, and then someone throws debris on it, and then it sits there for weeks and blows away.
So the illegals come back and reblow it.
Then eventually, you know what shows up to pick it up?
Oh, a transformer, a giant bulldozer, two things.
A giant bulldozer with these calipers and a tray at the base that could honestly lift up a garage.
I'm not exaggerating.
The bottom plate could slide under your shed, and then these two giant beetle claws come around the side.
They could pick up your shed new prop.
So it comes and picks up this leaf, scrapes up the road.
It sounds like two transformers in a headlock.
Then it picks up all this stupid leaves, drops it in the dump truck, which is massive.
So the whole ordeal looks like a $15,000 ordeal, which the taxes I pay in the suburbs is nothing.
When I tell people in LA when I pay in taxes, tens and tens of thousands of dollars for property and education and bulldozer, leaf bulldozers.
So that didn't work.
Let's go back to rakes and paper bags, please.
You can get the recycling bags if you want.
And then someone comes by.
I could come by with a big truck and throw the bags in there and take them to the fucking dump.
So many things are not an improvement.
I lost, I wet my pants the other day because I was drunk and I fell asleep lying down on the floor.
I'm not proud of that.
But I also wet my Land Rover key and it oxidized.
So I had to buy a new one.
It's $450.
Then it's another $100 to have it programmed.
It's a giant computer that makes your pants look funny because it's so big and it attaches to your other keys.
So you have this like weird bulge.
It looks like you're smuggling out a human hand in your pants.
And that's not an improvement.
First of all, I can't pee it.
But secondly, like when I was young, you had a key, a normal key.
You put it in the car, turn the thing, that was fine.
You could get it wet.
It cost five bucks.
You could have it duplicated, no problem.
It was easy.
Now they've made it worse with this stupid, it's literally a computer.
Oh, and you know what?
Guess what's inside this computer box that's 500 bucks to replace?
Five to six, depending where you get it.
It's a thing called a key.
Yeah, that's right.
Inside your key, you screw this.
You guys all know this.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
Maybe if youngsters don't know this.
But you take it all apart, you move the top part, and inside, there's a little steel part that's called a key.
And you can put that in your car.
And I'm not sure if you can even start it, but you can definitely open the door with it.
Thanks.
And that's extra.
It's $4.50 for the key, but if you'd like a key with your key, that's another $50.
Can you believe the world we're living in?
It's like the future was the 80s, and now everything is post-future.
Like those earbuds you get now that sicken your ears, those kept falling out and getting lost.
So now there's cords you can attach to your wireless earbuds to keep them from getting lost.
In other words, they're going back to wired earbuds because those were just fine, which, by the way, we had in the 80s.
All right.
How much time have you?
Oh, we're running out of time here.
I'm going to have to rush to get through these.
I also hate glasses of water at a restaurant.
We all sit down and the illegal comes and he brings it.
By the way, why does every waiter on earth have an accent?
We're out in the suburbs.
We're at a sort of a fancy hipster kind of a meatball spot.
Hello, can I get your order, please?
Where are you from?
This guy's like young.
He's 21 and he's Brazilian or something.
Are there no 21-year-olds in the vicinity?
No one wants a job here.
No parents are good enough to understand that a kid should have a job?
Why did we have to import a fucking waiter from Brazil?
Whose idea was that?
Sir, I just need to get your meatballs.
Just tell me meatballs, please.
I don't want to get in argument about immigration.
I'm not here illegally, obviously, so that I'm going to lose the debate.
But as he's talking, right, because he's higher up than the Mexicans, he has his little minions, his Aztecs, all give us giant fucking waters that are like, honestly, almost a foot tall with tons of ice.
They're red, and they got that straw in them.
And then I've got a family of five.
So now there's five giant waters taking up the whole table.
Okay, so you don't want us to order drinks?
No, no, I'll take your drinks.
Well, you just gave me drinks.
No, no, no.
You have a different drink.
Well, this drives me nuts too.
My wife will do this sometimes.
She'll order like a, I'll just get the house white.
I'll get Sauvignon Blanc or something.
And a water.
And a water.
I said this in a video about how to drink.
A drink is water.
That's why they call it a drink.
No, no, I'm really thirsty.
Okay.
Why don't you drink your drink then if you're so thirsty?
Oh, that's, but alcohol dehydrates you.
Yeah, like six, six beers dehydrates you because you end up pissing more than you take in.
But one drink will quench your thirst.
We'll kill two birds with one stone.
It's like saying, can I get a hamburger and then also a loaf of bread?
Because I'm really hungry.
There's bread in the burger.
The top and the bottom of the burger is bread.
So you'll get your bread in your burger.
Yeah, but only some of the burger is bread.
I really need bread, bread.
So then you get these five drinks and then you get your kids order sprites or whatever and you order your bud and now they come with your real food and there's nowhere to put it because there's fucking literally 10 drinks on the table.
And they don't pick up your bud fast enough.
I'm already on my second one.
So now there's 11 drinks on the table.
And they're showing up.
Then they do that stupid, that stupid Tetris puzzle where they move the bread here and this here.
Can you just take the waters?
I didn't ask for these.
You're giving me 200% of the beverages I need.
I couldn't even finish this if I was a lumberjack who had been busting my ass in the desert all day, chopping down palm trees.
And it's hard to say no to because they do it so fast.
It's like they get a commission on how much water is on the table.
So you have to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't want Water, don't want water, and then even my wife will go, What are you doing?
The kids want water.
No, they don't, they're about to have too much sprite.
In fact, what happens with the kids is they drink their sprite, it fills their bellies, and then they're not hungry because they're full of sprite.
So I go, Don't, I don't even want the kids to have their sprites until they're halfway done their meal.
All right.
Two more pet peeves and then we got to go.
I hate, and this is based on sexism.
I hate how in movies and TV, everyone has new clothes on.
They all have that shirt from Target that has no collar and three buttons on the top.
You know, that sort of long underwear type shirt.
They all have a brand new shirt like that.
Every blue-collar person has like a plaid jacket and a long underwear shirt with three buttons on the neck.
And they're both brand new.
No frayed anything.
And I think it's because a movie set says, all right, we got to get some women in here.
Let's just make the stylist a woman.
And I think women want to get involved in movies and TV because, I don't know, they think, oh, having babies is gross.
I want a career.
I want to buy clothes, not for my kids, but for random actors.
So they become stylists and they suck at it.
I think the worst stylist in America has got to be whoever dresses Tony Starks.
Not Iron Man, but Tony Starks.
Obviously, Iron Man's wearing a CGI robot suit.
But the way, what's his name, dresses in the Avengers movies with his like parachute pants and his leather jacket with a black leather tie and shit, he looks like a weird raving rapist snowboarder from the 90s.
He looks terrible.
He looks like a weird immigrant.
You know how like an Indian immigrant will go, I'm a cool guy.
And he'll have like his collar up and red leather pants and stuff.
And you go, dude, that's not how cool people dress here.
That's too 70s Hollywood.
He does that, but 90s.
He's like your mom trying to be cool in the 90s.
He looks so bad.
And all his clothes are new.
Stylists are terrible at their job.
You know, back when stylists were good is when they were men, when they were fags, like Jaws.
Just scroll through Jaws and look at the outfits.
Richard Dreyfus's denim tuxedo, a Canadian tuxedo, denim jacket, denim pants, everything Rob Schneider wears in that movie.
I tried to copy it.
His brown shirts with the white t-shirts, his little brown short shorts.
Even Quint looks amazing with his little bandana around his neck.
Also, that was, I looked that up.
It's a fag who's dead now.
Who else?
Look at Rosemary's Baby with, what's his name?
Casavettis.
Cassavetes and Rosemary's Baby is exquisite.
Every scene, he has the best outfit I've ever seen in my life.
And so does what's her name?
The one who gets raped by the devil.
She looks great too.
Don't take that sentence out of context.
That woman who was getting raped by the devil looked great the other night.
I loved her shawl.
Also, oh God, I bet you that was a male stylist, a homo.
See, ladies, we have everything covered.
Even the chick stuff, we have our gays do.
So you're not needed here, okay?
We'll handle us straights, we'll handle all the tough stuff.
And then anything feminine, we'll have our gays handle with the plom.
Oh God, Terry Garr in, oh God, I can't talk about her.
I'm going to get a boner.
I'm going to get a coconut smasher.
In fact, I even pronounced the word boner weird because I was getting aroused.
And that's why I said bona.
Have you got a bona?
Certain words English people may not say.
People in England, please never say the word boner.
Oh my God, he's got a boner.
Have you got a boner?
Look at this.
You know that gentleman who is really horny?
That's another word they can't say.
He's got a boner now.
Look at his boner.
Oh my God, you can make out the contours of your boner.
It's really clear where the head is.
Oh my God, you should not wear silk pants.
He literally had a bona.
Oh my God, this is a really funny podcast.
Whatever I'm doing now, I got to do it more.
I had a coffee.
I walked the dog.
I rode my bicycle to my son's school with him.
And I had a pretty good night's sleep the night before.
Remember that formula.
All right, last thing I hate.
Greeting women in the workplace.
Well, two things.
I don't like hugging women.
I like it in a sexual way, but I don't do that anymore because I'm married.
So why are we hugging?
And in LA, everyone fucking hugs you like it's your honeymoon.
Hi!
They wrap their arms around your lower waist and pull you in like we're in Times Square and it's the end of World War II and you're a sailor about to dip me.
They really squeeze you.
Oh, you look great.
They always say you look great, by the way.
And then you go to the mirror and you go, you fucking liar.
They're liars over there.
That is the common thread here, lying.
We're not going to drink those waters on the table.
If you go back over this, you'll see everything in there is a lie.
Your feet aren't that hot.
You don't need flip-flops.
You're stepping in dog shit, you fucking pig.
And it's a lie to hug a woman.
I mean, I don't know you.
Get your arms off of me.
And it's not a germ thing.
I don't care about germs.
I'll eat a sandwich off the ground right now for six bucks.
But the other thing in the workforce, and this is in New York and LA, so the deal with women is, in business, you shake their hand the first time.
This is insane.
You shake their hand the first time you meet them.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, Jerry.
Hi, hi.
Hi, Maggie.
Hi.
And then the next time you see them, you hug them in a very sort of distant way, not an LA way, just sort of the hands sort of on the shoulder blades.
And then you go and you kiss the air next to their fucking cheek.
What are we doing here?
What is this?
I love you now?
Now that we've met.
And it's weird too when you're with two women where you've met her before and this is the first time you met this one.
So you go to the one you know and then you shake the hand of the other one.
Now, shaking hands means I'm a solid dude and I don't have a knife.
That's actually the origins of it.
And I like it.
You shake a man's hand, you feel how strong it is and you go, all right, we're real deal dudes, yes.
You don't have a knife?
No.
All right, let's get down to business, man.
I trust you.
You trust me.
We're men.
You got my back.
If that shit goes down, right?
Yeah, I got your back.
All right.
Then you touch this little Tinseltown hand, this little E.T. Dead Kennedys Plastic Surgery Disasters little Ethiopian starving child hand.
A woman's hand feels like a bird.
It's got these thin bones, and you reach down, you touch this 10-year-old boy's hand, and you're like, hey, pleasure to do business with you, lady.
You don't have a knife?
No, I don't have a knife.
Hello?
I don't have a knife.
All right, well, let's get...
It just feels so dumb.
I'm checking to see if this frail little bird has a fucking knife.
Birds don't have knives.
Dogs don't have knives.
Thank you for tuning into this show.
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