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April 3, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
46:44
Get Off My Lawn #38 | I'd Like to Tell You About a Lunatic

This one’s all about the early aughts in New York City and hanging out at gay bars with my friend Trevor. You’d be surprised how easy it is to meet chicks in that environment but New York is still a violent place and fist fights are just a normal part of going out.

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I'd like to tell you about a lunatic.
This is an old friend of mine named Trevor.
We're actually not friends anymore.
It's part of being an old man.
Your friends dump you.
We broke up a few times, actually.
But we kept renewing our contract.
And then one day, we both said... Actually, he said he didn't want to renew his contract.
His annual contract.
I think with all friends, you have a fight once a year.
And then Verizon calls and goes, do you want to still be friends with this guy?
And you go, no.
All right.
Switch plans.
When you get married, you basically cut out 90% of your friends.
Because you already have a friend.
And that friend will blow you.
So the other ones pale in comparison.
But he was a good pal.
I miss him.
The few times of the day, you know, I have room to miss anyone.
I got three kids running around the house screaming, and a wife, and a job.
So, I don't really have any free time.
My wife's away right now visiting her mother, and she took the kids, so it's weird being a bachelor again.
And I guess it's during these times you go, what ever happened to my buddies?
Where are my pals?
Where are my bros?
Um, so, uh, yeah.
He's a guy, his name's Trevor, he managed Andrew WK for a while, he's, uh, he managed the hardcore band Sick of It All, um, you know, had the exact same background as me, punk rock, history, we were actually in the same maximum rock and roll.
Maximum Rock and Roll is a fanzine that reports on punk throughout the world.
And they have these things called scene reports.
And I was in the Ottawa scene report that talked about local bands.
There was Grave Concern, The Trapped, and my band, Anal Chinook.
Chinook being an Inuit word for warm wind.
And his band was in the Florida scene report.
And I'm pretty sure it was the same issue.
So that's cool.
I don't think I saved it.
Like, what are you gonna do?
Show your kids?
Your kids don't care.
Kids don't care about their dads.
You know what my dad's job was when I was a kid?
He managed fire control.
Meaning, uh...
The trajectory of missiles and stuff.
I thought he was a fireman.
I saw his business card, it said manager of fire control.
And I thought he controlled fires.
No, he worked in defense, designing weapons, and he had a PhD in physics, so it was the trajectory of the missiles.
That kind of fire!
I didn't know!
My whole life, I didn't know.
Jimmy Kimmel talks about this sometimes, how we never knew what our dads did.
Similarly, if you show your kids, hey man, I was in Maximum Rock and Roll.
They go, so?
Like, my brother, he's dating now, he's single.
And I was like, does it matter that I'm your dad?
And he goes, why?
Because of vice?
I don't know.
Or, like, now?
My far-right extremism?
Is that good or bad for you?
And he goes, dude, saying you're my brother is like telling people my brother's Wolf Blitzer.
No one cares.
That hurt.
But, um...
Yeah, Trevor was a guy, and we got along great because we had the same genetic makeup.
He was half, his mother was Glaswegian, and I was Glaswegian, and I am convinced that Scottish people have more testosterone than other people.
We're all alphas, because the betas were killed by the English.
Dr. Drew mentions this.
He says, um, the reason the Scots are brutal alcoholics... Oh my god, that made me want to get a beer so badly, it's insane.
Hey, Dave?
Dave?
Yes?
Can you get me a beer from the fridge?
Yeah.
Uh, not a Beck's.
See if there's Bud in there.
I know there's three Beck's, but those are warm.
And those are my brother's beers.
Anyway, um...
So, you know, we both had this violent, uh, uh, tough, oh my God, I just called myself a tough guy.
Gross.
But just like a confrontational demeanor.
And, and the Scots, they were at war with the English for 700 years.
So the ones who don't enjoy confrontation are deed.
And the ones that remain, we like confrontation.
I will just manifest conflict where it doesn't belong.
Sometimes with my wife, I'll just pick a fight for no reason.
If I'm away on vacation and it's, you know, an all-inclusive resort, I have to go find an enemy.
I have to have someone I dislike in order to be satisfied.
I need conflict.
My dad, his goal every time we hang out is to make me lose my temper.
I remember when I told him that my wife was pregnant with our first child, he said, been there, done that.
And I said, fuck you, obviously.
And, uh, and then he just stared at me.
And I said, I looked around the house and I said, hmm, interesting.
Huh.
Just taking it all in.
And he goes, what you mean?
And I go, I'm just, you know, looking around the house.
Sort of absorbing it all, because I'm never coming back here again, so, you know, I might as well, you know, take it all in.
And he goes, good, good reddance.
And I looked at him, and I was boxing quite a bit at the time.
This was ten years ago.
And I said, I could knock you out, old man.
I would punch you so fucking hard, you would go flying off that chair, and you'd be knocked unconscious.
And he does that, like Scottish people, when they're drunk, their legs are crossed in a gay way, and then their arms are folded on their lap, and then their heads are hunched over.
They look like Gollum.
So he's sitting there like Gollum, hunched over, like he's 150 years old.
And he just picks up his head, with his eyes half closed like a stoner, and he just goes, do your worst.
No more bud.
There's no more bud?
That blows.
Backs.
It's one of those stupid European beers that's considered PBR over there, but it's considered classy here.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, do your worst.
So that's the Scottish mentality, and that's why I got along with Trev.
And I was telling my kids about him the other day.
We went to Vermont skiing, so we had a long time in the car, and I was just regaling them, and I realized how many great stories There are with that guy.
For example!
The year was 2002, and we were in the East Village.
We were at a gay bar on 2nd and 2nd.
There's a lot of gay bars in these stories.
Gay bars, by the way, I cannot recommend them enough.
It's where I met my wife.
They are full of sluts.
No offense, wife.
They're full of fag hags, and fag hags are surrounded by promiscuous people called gays.
And they, so they're very okay with sex but they don't get any because they're with homosexuals.
So they see their friends having orgies every night and they go, what's the matter with me?
I'm not, I'm single.
That's where the ego strikes.
And they're not tired of being hit on, like at normal bars.
So I've been going to gay bars to meet chicks my entire adult life.
There was a bar in Montreal called Cox.
They're very creative with their names.
They're always called Cox.
The Cock is a big one in New York.
Another big one was called The Hole.
Another one right next to it was called Urge.
Oh, I got a good story about Urge.
So, uh, we're at the Hole, and you know what's funny about that bar, too?
The gays didn't like us.
It was like gentrification.
So they had their $3 beers, and they had their thing, and they went to their club, and they did their BJs, and then the straights start showing up and getting DJ gigs, because the owner likes it, because the place is packed.
And we took over this gay bar called The Hole.
The hipsters did.
This is back when hipsters weren't annoying.
And the gays fucking hated us.
They scoured at us.
On the dance floor, we're dancing around, there's chicks everywhere.
Oh!
God, maybe I'll just screw Trevor.
You know who I hung out there with once?
Jason Bateman.
This is why I hate this guy.
So David Cross was doing Arrested Development, and he brings around Jason Bateman.
Jason Bateman is an L.A.
person.
L.A.
people don't fit in New York.
They don't belong here.
They're phony.
They don't like rats.
You know what I mean?
Like, they're too clean.
They don't get filth.
They probably don't eat ass.
So he's there at the hole and it was just a great night.
If you want to know the quintessential person who sums up that vibe, go look up Judy Rosen and her clothing brand, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
That's the kind of vibe it was.
And just hot chicks dressed great with stilettos on and fucking kooky hair and sort of like the Accelerator Girls in the old ZZ Top videos, you know, like fingerless fishnet gloves and mini skirts and short shorts and Garfield t-shirts, just fucking fun.
And he goes, let's get out of here.
And I go, pardonne-moi?
You want to get out of here?
And he goes, yeah, I mean, why don't we be at a bar where we can, you know, look at hot chicks?
And I go, uh, do we have the same eyeballs?
There's nothing but hot chicks in this bar.
We're in heaven, dude.
And he was uncomfortable there, and the music was blaring, and it was Fisherspoon or something.
I think it was basically too cool for him.
Sorry.
Then later on, he did one of the gayest things.
Gayer than, I like your new sunglasses!
Which is probably the gayest experience of my life.
He goes, how much would you pay me to go and dance on that speaker over there?
Can you believe that?
Is there a gayer sentence on earth?
I don't think I would like to blow my boyfriend and lick his balls.
I don't think that sentence is as gay as, how much would you pay me to go dance on the speakers?
Dude, I don't care if you go get up on the speakers and blow your head off.
So how much would I pay you?
What are you talking about?
Such an L.A.
thing to say.
So I felt sorry for him when he said that.
I thought, oh, he's uncomfortable, fish out of water.
So I said, sure, five bucks.
And I gave him five bucks.
I think some other people gave money.
But not like, ho, ho, ho, let's go see a dance.
It was, you just said something super embarrassing.
You're David's friend.
Here's some money.
Let's move this moment into the past.
All right?
Here's five bucks.
I don't care.
So about 20 minutes later, I see him again, back, you know, in the same spot.
And I go, so what's going on?
And he goes, oh, I didn't dance on the speaker.
Oh yeah, that stupid thing.
And I go, what happened there?
And he goes, Michael, what the hell's his name?
Michael Malice?
Not Michael Malice, that's my friend.
The guy from the Village Voice, Michael gay man with curly hair and glasses who does the hot gossip column.
I think he works at Paper too.
He goes Michael what's his name was there and I so I thought oh, I'm not doing that now It's gonna end up right in the gossip pages So that's even worse now than suggesting such a queer thing is that he chickened out so I want my five bucks back And I got my five bucks back Anyway, that was a tangent to talk about a night we were there.
We go outside and so now we're near Mars Bar.
Mars Bar is no longer there.
I think there's a TD Bank there now.
This is 2nd Street and 2nd Avenue in New York City.
A disgusting bar.
It's the only place I ever saw cockroaches in a toilet.
There was cockroaches in the actual basin.
Junkies there all the time.
My friend Trace went there once in a suit and all these fake, you know, punks were staring at him cause he's the man.
And uh, they started to, again, this is another tangent.
I've only gone about 10 feet down the street.
I want to have a third tangent.
I'm not even getting to Trevor.
So Trace is in there and these punk rockers are mad at a dude in a suit.
Meanwhile, Trace is going to punk shows in like 1982.
Um, when he was 12.
So, uh, uh, they start, like, walking by him and bumping into him.
What is this, a movie?
You think the guy in the suit is the man, you stupid idiot?
So they keep picking a fight with him, and eventually someone goes, you don't belong here.
And Trace stands up.
He's called Trace, by the way, because he's the third kid.
Unos, dos, tres.
He's from Texas.
And he's a tough guy.
He beat me up once.
He, uh, he picks up the guy by the neck, lifts him off his chair, and walks him outside by his neck.
And then he holds him up against the wall, and he goes, What the fuck are you saying to me, child?
What do you want me to do, child?
And all the guy's buddies come out with him and don't beat up Trace.
They just stand in a semicircle around the strangling.
And he said, I wasn't there for this, but he said the only thing any of them did was one of them in the crowd goes, who calls anyone child?
That was their retaliation.
I'll tell you who calls people child.
A guy who's strangling your friend.
That's who calls people child.
And it's a weird, cool thing to say when you're strangling someone, by the way.
You don't want to be normal when you're murdering someone.
You don't want to go, you were mean to me and I'm strangling you now.
You want to say, what's the problem, child?
You know, like De Niro in Cape Fear.
Afternoon, counselor!
You want to be unusual when you're being deadly.
Okay, third tangent.
So there was another gay bar next to the hole called The Urge.
And we all had to piss.
And there's only two bathrooms there.
By the way, the bottom of the door was gone in the bathroom.
And sometimes we'd horse around with ladies in the bathroom and do drugs.
And they could see your feet.
They could just look at you horsing around.
Uh, so the lineup to the bathroom was insane because people aren't just using the bathroom for number two, they're using it for cocaine.
So I go, let's just go to the next door to The Urge.
And, uh, I was with Wendy Mullen and a skater dude named, uh, Tino?
Uh, I forget his name.
Razzo.
One of the Razzo brothers.
They were like these cool skater kids that would hang out at Max Fish.
Probably still do.
And, uh, I go, let's just go to The Urge next door.
We can piss there.
And so I took like three people out of the line.
And then Wendy goes, it's a pretty intense gay bar, dude.
And I go, what are you, a fag?
You're scared of gay bars?
I can handle... It was sort of like in Withnail and I, where he goes, balls!
I'll take twice the dosage and run a mile!
So I was being arrogant.
And I said, I'm fine with the urge.
They go, okay.
So we walk in.
This bar, like I was talking about gay bars earlier, I was talking about pretty milquetoast gay bars.
Like just a bunch of gays.
This bar was for perverts.
This was a disgusting place that was way over my head.
I could not run a mile, as Withnail would say.
Walk in there, and there's these strippers, male strippers, dancing on the actual bar.
There's no, like, strip- it's a strip club, I guess, but there's no strip club stage.
So they just run around the bar, like, standing over- on your drinks.
And I look, it's a circular bar.
A big O.
And I look at the other side of the bar and there's a guy there, a black guy, he looks like a linebacker dressed up as a chick as a joke.
He's got a blonde wig on and a strappy dress and he looks like Shaquille O'Neal.
There's nothing remotely feminine about him, but he's just sitting there having a beer staring straight ahead.
And then there's this Puerto Rican dude.
He has on new Timberlands.
He's burned in my retina.
I can still see him.
He's got on brand new Timberlands.
He's got a white jockstrap on and a brand new white Yankees hat.
And he's dancing around and his eyes...
They're the eyes of a dead man.
You know the term, you've had your brains fucked out?
I think this had happened to him.
He'd had so much sex that he was vapid.
I'm sorry if you're listening to this in the car with your kids in the back.
I hope they're asleep.
But yeah, he was dead to the world.
And he was dancing around with his arms all floppy.
And it was like Weekend at Bernie's meets a strip club.
Meets rampant homosexuality.
So I'm still laughing though.
And I'm still like, I can handle this, you pussies.
Go ahead.
Go pee.
I'm going to hang out here.
So this guy who looks like Zeus comes along.
He's wearing Speedos and cowboy boots, and he's very muscular.
And he comes dancing over to me.
And he's, like, gyrating and pumping.
And I go, woo!
I love it!
Yeah!
And I grabbed five bucks.
I've now spent ten bucks tonight.
I put five bucks in his Speedo.
And that's around then I realized I'm in over my head.
Because as I pulled out his Speedo, the heat from his balls was like that Van Halen song where David Lee Ross says, I can barely see the road with the heat coming off.
Like, there was hot vapors coming from his genitalia.
And when I put the $5 in there, it was like putting $5 in an oven.
It was like molten lava.
And I realized, uh-oh, this is weird and gross.
And I don't think people usually would put $5 in.
I think they might flick a penny in there, usually, because he was staring at me after that.
And I think we were dating.
It was like in Uzbekistan when you, you know, put a potato in a woman's purse, it means I love you.
So I had made some sort of marriage bond that I didn't know of.
So he's locked on me now.
And he's dancing and pumping on the stage and gyrating, probably drunk and high.
And, uh...
He keeps staring at me the entire dance and Razzo brother goes, let's get out of here, and I'm thinking yeah, let's get out of here I don't I'd rather pee my pants.
I'm fine with the bathroom Let's not wait in line here, and this guy's still staring me, and then one of the weirdest things I've ever seen happened He dances over to where the linebacker is and he starts moving his hips and then he pulls the back of his black Speedos off to the side.
So now his buttocks are exposed and his anus is free to breathe.
Uh, his anus, by the way, must look like a baby yawning because what he did next has to be seen to be believed.
You're gonna think I'm lying and I'm fine with that.
He starts moving his hips and slowly lowering his body.
Uh, excuse me sir, there's a beer bottle right there.
No problem!
I'm gonna stay with my eyes locked on Gavin, and slowly move my hips right, left, right, left, lower, lower, lower, lower.
Sir!
Sir!
You're gonna sit on the beer bo- Without looking at it, he sat down on the beer bottle, his anal lips grabbed the top part of the bottle, Then clenched, then he stood up and lifted the beer bottle with his anus.
Lifted it up, stood up, took out the beer, and had a swig.
Which, people think that's the gross part.
No, no, no, no.
The gross part is that your anus is a hand.
That's the freaky part.
Not that you drank slightly pooey beer.
So we went back to the club.
Anyway, those tangents are better than the original story.
As is always the case with tangents, as Cormac McCarthy said in The Road, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road thereto.
That really is my motto.
So, We go next door, next to Mars Bar.
We're by the hole.
This is all second and second.
Don't bother going there now.
It's all banks.
But next to Mars Bar was a building that was totally empty.
And the door had a chain on it, but you could squeeze in.
And so we're checking it out, and this dude pops his head out.
And it's an NYU student.
I can just tell he's an NYU student, right?
It's like the only guy not covered in dirt in New York City.
Not high on heroin.
A clean kid from Nebraska.
And he's got a big flashlight like a... Oh my god, who's my favorite guy?
Maglite.
Tony Maglica.
Maglite flashlight.
And he goes, hey!
Come here!
And so I'm with Trevor.
I should describe Trevor, by the way.
He's like 6'2", very broad-shouldered.
He looked like a coke machine.
He was probably, you know, genetically designed to fight the English in the moors of Scotland.
He looks like Braveheart.
He's got a... His chest is completely covered in tattoos.
His arms are full-sleeve tattoos.
He's got a crew cut.
Handsome chap.
Brawler.
You know, a very intimidating looking gentleman.
He looks like a bouncer, really.
Blonde, you know, kind of hair.
Um, like a handsome me.
But he also, he also, by the way, has kind of dark circles under his eyes.
You know, like a hemophiliac has.
And, uh, I remember going, what the fuck's with your eyes?
And he goes, yeah, when I was managing sick of it all, they used to call me asshole eyes.
That's a funny thing, by the way, about New York hardcore.
All these bands like Cro-Mags, and Agnostic Front, and Sheer Tear, and all those old guys who hang out at CBGBs in the 80s, and DMS, and they hang out at Handsome Dick Manitobas now.
Very scary dudes.
Murderers, basically.
All hilarious.
You wouldn't think so.
But maybe it's being in a tour van for 11 months of the year?
You hone your comedy.
So all these scary bands that sound like a cacophony, if you put in the cassette player, are actually super witty dudes.
And they would call Trevor asshole eyes.
One time, one of the guys in the band went to their record label and had a meeting.
And he goes, Hey man, we have some tour footage.
It's mostly of Trevor, but I think we should maybe make it a video or something.
It's some really interesting footage.
And he puts in the VHS tape.
And it's, he's edited lurch from Addams Family, you know that guy?
Like the butler who's eight feet tall and has those dark asshole eyes?
He's edited clips from the Addams Family and to just be lurch.
So it's every time lurch has appeared on the show on a VHS tape.
And that was his stab at Trevor.
How funny is that?
This is a band, like, if you go look up Sick of It All, you'll just hear noise, and funny is the last thing you'd think they'd be.
They're Iranian dudes, by the way.
So, uh, I'm with Trevor.
And we were at Mars Bar, we're at the Hole, he's probably having a cigarette, and I don't smoke, and this NYU kid goes, come here, come here!
So I go, sure.
I can, you know, I have street smarts, so I can tell the guy is just a rich kid who's gone exploring, and he wants to show us something cool.
Yeah, yeah!
So we go through the chain, into this building, and Trevor reluctantly follows.
The thing about Trevor is, he's violent, I've seen him beat up people, he's tough, yet also a pussy.
You know those kind of guys?
Like, I'm scared, I don't want to fight!
And then they fight, and the guy's in the hospital.
Like big, huge, scary pussies.
I don't think he would mind if I said that.
He'd probably agree with me.
One time, another tangent, he was like, I gotta go catch up with some work.
I'm gonna rent a... He talks like a black guy, by the way, because in Florida they had this stupid busing thing.
When they would take white kids and send them to black schools.
So he's real sensitive about the n-word.
And he says, yo, know what I'm saying?
Yo, yo, with all due respect, not for nothing, you know, if you will, you know those black mannerisms where they take fancy white talk and stick it in a sentence?
For all things considered, if you will, I basically want to conversate with you.
I said, what did you learn going to those black schools, besides how to fight?
And he goes, fighting is a very important skill, yo.
So anyway.
Uh, he's very reluctant and we go into this abandoned building and we go, we start going up these creaky steps in total pitch blackness outside of this flashlight and it was right out of a movie, like it was such a set.
We go up, up the stairs and then he shines a flashlight and we see a mattress on the floor and a little side table with a little candle that's been blown out and, you know, some bric-a-brac and a toothbrush and we realize, this is a bum's house!
This is a squat, we're in a squat!
Bums live here.
And then we go up another set of stairs and we see other rooms and we realize this is a whole bum complex.
And we go up another floor and we see, as we're looking around, we see fucking eyes staring back at us.
Oh shit!
And we run downstairs.
Some dude was home.
And then he goes, so we go to run out the front door and he goes, wait, wait, wait.
That's not all.
That's just one division.
There's a whole other world.
Come here.
So we go, okay.
And this is second and second in New York City, right off of Houston Street.
Prime real estate.
The building couldn't be worth less than $10 million.
And it was totally empty.
So you know it's some mentally ill Italian fighting with his siblings over who gets to sell it or something.
So it's been sold now.
The free market caught up to this place.
So, God, Bex is so carbonated.
It's like drinking foam.
So, uh, we go, he goes, come over here.
So with the flashlight, he takes us to another room.
There's a pool.
There's a pool in this building, inside the building.
It's obviously empty and the tiles are all chipped off and stuff.
And I realize we're in a high school.
This was a high school, a public school back when, you know, in the 80s when New York was a war zone.
I guess kids still had to go to school.
And I guess they had a pool.
I guess they were doing okay in the East Village.
And then he takes us to another room, opens the door.
There's a giant gymnasium in front of us.
How the hell is this in a building in New York?
And I see, happy graduation!
And I think the number 85 was there, like class of 85?
So this went back to the goddamn 80s?
And there's a piano there, and it was set up, it hadn't changed since prom of 85.
There's a piano there, covered in dust.
Everything is covered in dust.
And then the guy goes, that's nothing, check this out.
So my mind is now gone, dripped out of my ears, it's on the floor, I've seen a gay pick up his beer bottle with his anus, seen Jason Bateman, waste my time.
Isn't it interesting that the celebrity in this story is the least interesting part of the entire story?
There's a moral there for you, kiddies.
And he goes, come downstairs.
Downstairs?
So we head downstairs, and this is, I think this is the weirdest part, and it's not a very weird part, but as we started to go down these steps, again, blackness, the light, the flashlight's all you see.
You know that chick who got killed by an Uber, a self-driving Uber car?
You know how you just see her for a split second before the car hits her?
That's the kind of light we were dealing with.
So if the flashlight isn't on you, it's pitch black.
Which is kind of a cool way to see things, because it keeps you focused.
The myopic lens of this NYU kid's maglite.
So, as we're walking down the stairs, someone comes up the stairs, and he's got a Ramones shirt on.
It's a punk rocker, who's like, who looked like Joey Ramone, actually.
Maybe it was.
It's an old punk rocker who just lives down these steps in this weird cavernous squat, these tombs, sort of like in Turkey.
You know how they have those underground societies, where if people would come in through the front, they'd pour boiling oil on them, and they had, you know, tunnel after tunnel of an entire suburb under the rock because the rock would carve out like soapstone.
It was super easy to carve.
So in Turkey, they had an entire village in these catacombs.
And that's what was going on in New York City.
So this guy comes up the stairs and we keep going down and we're seeing like rooms upon rooms.
So this was the basement of the school, I guess.
And there was hundreds of people living there.
It was like it was Wakanda for homeless people.
So it was like Wakanda with beer and piss smell.
Underground now we didn't get it to see a lot of people.
This was probably only 11 p.m So I guess everyone was out forging for aluminum cans, so we only saw maybe like 10 people You know scooped by the flashlight briefly in the darkness.
Who's that?
And we kept going.
It seemed like there was at least three floors down of stairs.
So then we finally get to the bottom.
He goes, this is the weirdest part.
And there was a boiler in there.
I guess it was hot water for the whole building.
It was as big as three Range Rovers.
It was a very, very long, fat boiler that would keep enough water for a hundred million showers.
And he goes, come under here.
So we crawl underneath the boiler, hands and knees in the dirt, and we get out there.
And we're on the other side, and it's just, there's a few mattresses and stuff, but there's just a huge fucking room.
Three floors below New York City, as big as a gymnasium, just a gigantic room, like a squat, where bums would live.
Maybe they couldn't sell it because the bums had squatters rights or something.
And I'm just like, the guy's shining his flashlight and I'm like, this is incredible!
How is this here?
I mean, a one bedroom apartment was, even back then, was like $2,700 a month.
And here I am just looking at a loft.
And this is the funny part.
Trevor starts getting sketched out.
He becomes convinced that this NYU student is hired to take people to a secret room where they get gang raped.
Why?
Why would this kid wearing a fresh sweatshirt and J. Crew khakis devote his life to getting gang rape victims?
Not a big market for that, Trev.
But he starts getting really nervous and scared.
And he's like, yo, we gotta get the fuck out of here, yo.
No, no, no.
This is... We gotta go up now!
You gotta take us up now!
We don't wanna be here anymore!
We gotta get up now!
Now, he's a big guy.
Very tattooed.
With his crew cut, he looks like a professional wrestler, basically.
And so he's scaring my NYU kid.
And the kid's like, oh, OK, you can go up.
And he goes, no, no, we got to get up now!
We got to get up now!
And then he's in full panic mode.
He goes, we got to get the fuck out of here!
And I'm like, calm down, dude.
And the other guy's like, oh!
And Trevor goes, fuck this!
And he just runs.
He crawls underneath the boiler and darts up the stairs.
Meanwhile, by the way, this school has been abandoned for three decades.
So the stairs are shit.
There's holes everywhere.
You don't want to go running out.
So he, as he's running, he gets lost.
He's like, where the fuck am I?
Where am I?
Where am I?
And then he says to the NYU kid, he goes, dude, you gotta get- And then he wants to ingratiate himself back with the guy he just scared, because that guy has the only key out of there.
He knows the secret route, which, by the way, is just up the stairs.
He got lost because he was panicked.
And uh, he goes, dude, dude, you gotta help me up.
You gotta help me up.
You gotta get me up here.
And the guy goes, I'm helping you.
We're going to go back up.
We're going to, and he goes, you gotta help me.
He goes, and this is my, one of my favorite lines of my entire life.
He goes, I know girls up there.
They have beer.
In his hysteria, as a last desperate attempt to have this guy not rape us, he said, I know girls up there, they have beer.
Is that the best line you've ever heard?
He was trying to create a mirage.
And he was thinking, what does every guy want?
I know, chicks and beer.
So I'm gonna pretend.
That there's two girls, up on 2nd and 2nd, by the Mars Bar, wearing Budweiser one-piece bathing suits, with feathered Farrah Fawcett hair, standing over a large cooler, an old-fashioned aluminum cooler, full of icy beers.
Because beers are so rare.
Meanwhile, Mars Bar and The Hole and The Urge, beers are like three bucks.
It's the gay section of town.
So it's not that appealing.
And girls, I don't know, we're in New York City.
Not so rare.
So this guy was even more scared now because such a bizarre scenario was just portrayed.
I know girls up there, they have beer.
I mean, he laughed about it later.
Not long after that, there was a thing that was big in the early aughts called electroclash.
And it was great.
It's got a bad rap now.
It's seen as uncool.
I thought it was awesome.
There was great bands like Fisher Spooner and Chromio were kind of part of that.
A.R.E.
Weapons.
And they were talented musicians who were on a kind of an 80s kick.
And they used synthesizers and they made electro dance music that was kind of pop also.
Very synth-oriented music.
And they'd wear, you know, suits and slick their hair back like Kraftwerk.
And the girls looked awesome, you know, with their hair over to one side.
And again with the Accelerators, Yeezy Top Girls, very 80s kind of a vibe, you know?
Bolero ties and weird shit and there was this fashion label called As For that had these circular purses and everything was sort of futuristic.
It was great and it was set to be that decade's thing.
Like there was rap in the 80s, there was punk in the 70s.
There's gonna be electroclash in the early aughts, but I think young people were so, uh... What's the word, uh... Oh my god, my mind just totally had a brain fart.
Uh, scaffolded, brazen, uh, wizard, withened, uh, scolded, uh, what's that word when you've like, you're over it?
What the hell's the matter with my brain?
Jaded!
They were jaded.
Scaffolded.
Yeah, after, you know, working on the repointing buildings and redoing brickwork, they became scaffolded after a while, and they no longer wanted to work on the exterior of your old building.
No, jaded.
They were jaded by the commodification of youth culture and they didn't like that electroclash was becoming a thing and there was sort of a backlash against electroclash.
There was this guy Larry T who was obsessed with it and he copyrighted the name.
I think he was in a cult.
That's a whole other podcast but there was this weird cult called Landmark that was big in the early aughts and it was mostly populated by gays for some reason.
And these gays would go to these weird cult meetings where you were in a room with too much heat and barely any light for like 12 hours.
It was like Scientology.
And you would sit there and get these lectures.
And this cult, they didn't want your money by the way.
They wanted you to spend all your money on your dream.
So say you want to open a pizza place, borrow all the money you can from your relatives and blow it all on this pizza place and work there 15 hours a day.
I guess that's kind of cool as far as cults go.
But his was electroclash, so he copyrighted the term, you know, and he spent... I remember Chicks on Speed were an electroclash band that he flew down from Europe.
That cost him like 10 grand.
He was gay and He was a great part of Electroclash.
He was cool.
He had these Electroclash festivals, but ultimately, gays ruined it.
There was a dude called the Gay Pimp, and his band obviously sucked, and it was just him lip-syncing, or no, singing over pre-recorded dance beats with a bunch of gays on stage, gyrating around in like Speedos.
And, uh, it was infantile garbage.
A lot of gay culture is crap, by the way.
I mean, if you go to a drag queen restaurant, as I did with Pamela Geller and Milo Yiannopoulos, which was... that's a whole other story.
It was so crap that I go to Pamela.
This is sexist.
She goes, yeah, I know.
I go, this is like a parody of what it is to be a woman.
And it's just a bunch of ugly men with too much makeup on and wigs screaming along and lip syncing to top 10 hits.
So it's like they're making fun of how women like pop music or something.
And they're wearing high heel shoes.
Like this is a parody of women.
This is a sexist place.
It's like Sambo.
It's like step and fetch it, but females.
And then, she starts getting pissed off.
And she gets up on stage, this is Pamela Geller of like, Jihad Watch.
She gets on stage, you can find this online, it made the gay press.
And starts screaming, this is a, this is an outrage, this is pathetic, what the hell are we all doing here?
This is disgusting!
You're making fun of women!
And, you know, lesbians wanted to kick her ass, ironically.
For being too feminist, I guess?
Anyway, that was a crazy moment.
But drag queen culture is obviously ridiculous, garbage, crap culture.
And reading stories to kids is beyond bizarre.
It's just crap.
It's garbage culture.
And they brought their garbage culture to Electroclash and ruined it.
And that night I was with Trevor and I go, that's it, man.
This movement just ended tonight.
And I was right, by the way.
That was the end of it.
And it's not really in the history books.
It wasn't really documented outside of Vice.
And Vice became ashamed that they were associated with it.
Uh, and I go, that's it.
So then, we're leaving, and he's pissed off.
And I think he's pissed off because he thought I was gonna be part of a thing, and that would've been cool.
Like, I could tell my grandkids, yeah, I was part of the electroclash thing.
You know, like, you could say I went to CBGBs in the 80s.
Or I was part of rap in the Bronx.
I remember the first rap parties in the Bronx in the early 80s.
Ha ha ha ha!
And the chicken tastes like wood!
And all that cool Modi stuff and Soul Train.
I was part of that.
And everyone who comes to New York, they want to have their little thing.
Like, I remember the beatniks with Jack Kerouac.
We used to hang out in the West Village.
Or I remember Philip Glass and Chuck Close when they discovered SoHo in the 60s and the 70s.
I remember the You know, the gangs, and CBGBs, and how dangerous New York was, and then the 80s, I remember the rap movement, and it was so cool, and the Bronx finally stopped killing each other and focused on hip-hop!
And then there'd be a lecture clash.
But that was taken away from him, and this is me just projecting and assuming that this is why he's mad.
I don't have no evidence, but I think he went, fuck, those fags took away my movement.
So we get in the car, and there was a Jamaican dude, the cab driver, and he goes, where you headed?
And I don't, just a stupid joke, I go, we wanna go to your nearest gay bar!
I think I was just trying to make Trevor laugh, uh, cause he was pissed off, and I know as a fellow Scott, we get to this zone after a few makers where someone could just turn a switch and we're fucking mad as hell, like murder mad, for four hours.
And you just, it's like a bad acid trip, like you wanna pull the guy off the ledge when he gets into that zone.
So I was trying to make him laugh and I go, just take us to the nearest gay bar.
And the Jamaican dude goes, um, I don't support that, you know.
We're not, I got Babylon closing in on me, you know.
We're not gonna have the blood clot, butty boys.
And I go, I'm just kidding or whatever, I can't remember what I said, but Trevor got so fucking mad.
And this is a guy who... I remember someone was picking a fight with him, some five foot tall dude.
And he kept saying, I don't want to fight.
Yo, yo, chill out dog.
Chill out.
Yo, I don't want to fight.
I don't want to fight.
And the guy kept pushing him and then he just went... And he shoved the guy so fucking hard.
He flew down the street like an apple.
It was like someone rolled an apple down the street.
So once he snaps, it's bad.
And I could see he had snapped.
So he starts punching the plexiglass in the taxi cab.
What'd you say?
What'd you fucking say?
He's mad at the Jamaican for being homophobic at us who are not gay people.
And he's punching the plexiglass.
Now I, and the guy just starts driving, because I don't know why.
I guess he thought the centrifugal force would push us to the back of the seat.
I don't know.
And I had heard around then that cab drivers with bad customers had taken to driving to Rikers and just opening the back doors.
And then the prison guards meet you there, they pull you out of the cab, and you go to Rikers for like three days.
No thanks!
So, I don't want him to drive to Rikers.
That's a big prison in New York.
Actually, it's a jail.
Prison is more than a year.
It's a place you go while you're awaiting trial.
Big, shitty jail.
Horrible place to be, obviously.
That's what it's designed to be.
By the way, Rikers, if you're designed to be a horrible place, you're doing a great job.
That's my Yelp review of Rikers.
Now his back is on the back of the seat, and he starts kicking with his feet against the plexiglass.
And it's starting to come away on the sides from the rivets.
And I'm like, we're going to fucking Rikers.
So I do this.
We get to a red light.
I do this one move where I open up his passenger door, grab him, and I tackle him out of the car.
So we both go flying onto the street and we're rolling like lovers on the road on 2nd Avenue.
This is by Webster Hall.
Rolling on the street.
And then the guy goes, and peels out the force of moving forward, closes our passenger door, and he's off.
Then Trevor gets up and starts running towards the guy like he still wants to beat him up.
Why?
Because we're gay?
And he doesn't like that we're going to a gay bar?
We weren't going to a gay bar, by the way.
It was one of the few nights we weren't.
Jesus Christ.
But it was fun times, always fun times with T-Bone.
But he got a job at Vice after I split there and we had a party and he said, I think it would be hypocritical, yo, if I was to come to your party, you know, and acted like things was chill and y'all dog.
I'm exaggerating his accent.
But, uh, I said, that's gay, dude.
Um, I don't care where you work.
It's not a divorce.
You know, you can hang out with my ex.
Uh, they employ thousands of people.
Hundreds of people.
Um, but my wife was pissed about that.
That he didn't come to the party and that was the end of our friendship.
I mean, we correspond very occasionally.
But, uh, that's the way it goes when you're old.
There's constant divorces and you lose a friend.
But you still got those memories.
And if the person has any Scottish DNA in him, those memories are hilarious.
And you get to think of them every time you go for a long drive.
I'll see you Friday, folks.
Do I have to keep plugging all my shit?
I mean, you know it by now, right?
There's CRTV.com.
We have a daily show there called Get Off My Lawn.
I'm starting a new show with them every second Friday night called CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.
It's like a talk show, news show, whatever.
Hang around with like-minded people type of show.
Only because you can't get liberals.
I don't know how Tucker Carlson does it.
How does he get these people?
I beg them.
I beg feminists and liberals to come on my show.
It just doesn't happen.
And there's obviously this free podcast every Tuesday and Friday.
And today is Tuesday.
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