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March 30, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

41:26

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #37 | I'm Not Proud Of This But I Pretended I Was Retarded

Wherein I focus exclusively on all the hustles, scams, and cheats I have perpetuated over the years. We accompany each tale with a morality rating and I usually come out looking pretty bad.

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	I'm not proud of this, but I pretended I was retarded.
	It's actually a trick I do a lot.
	and And I think it would be... I would be remiss if I were to discuss years of scams and... Sorry, I ran down the hallway to the studio, so I'm a little out of breath.
	I would be remiss if I were to...
	Devote this show to hustles and scams and tricks and not also include the morality of said tricks so I don't look like I'm praising them.
	Acting like you're retarded at the airport is a 9 on the 1 to 10 scale of immorality.
	It's about as bad as you can get.
	But flying has become a nightmare.
	When we would go on these flights, business trips, I'm never sitting with my business partner.
	Now, we're going to LA to pitch a show or something.
	This is when I had the ad agency and when we also did TV development.
	I don't really do business trips anymore.
	But we would go in there and it's six hours.
	I like to get wasted on flights because if you're in coach and you're drunk, it's first class.
	And, uh, you know, you want to sit with your buddy, watch movies, joke about it.
	That's where I discovered Gran Torino.
	We watched it together on a flight to L.A.
	We were never the same.
	In fact, we spent like an hour trying to rewind, which is very difficult on the interface that is on the back of this person's seat in front of you, to get back to the part where he says to Ming-Mong, uh, good day, puss cake.
	Because he's mad at the kid for not hitting on Ming-Ming.
	'cause she liked you.
	She was looking at you and you let those other guys ching-chong and ping-pong talk to her all night.
	'Cause you're a pussy.
	So what I would do is, I would show up at the airport, at the gate, and my buddy, my co-worker would go to the gate and he'd say, "Hi, I need to sit with my stepbrother.
	He's kind of, I don't want to say high-maintenance.
	And then I'd be sitting next to him, doing this thing where my head is sort of cocked, like Rain Man.
	And I'd be moving my hands a lot, and my eyes would be wide, wide open.
	Right?
	Like I was shocked, but also serious face staring at the ground.
	Like a handicapped person.
	And, um, I would look at her and I'd go, we don't look the same, but we're brothers because our mom is the same.
	Or I'd say dad or something like that.
	He's handsome, right?
	I would go full retard.
	You know, Rosie O'Donnell did it to try to get an Emmy.
	Sean Penn did it.
	Can I do it so I can sit next to my friend?
	Why?
	We bought our seats at the same time.
	Why are we not sitting together?
	Sometimes when I buy tickets for my family, there'll be five of us, we bought them at the same time, and they'll go, and we're scattered all over the plane.
	And now, I gotta sit there and hustle on the plane, I can't relax, even though we finally got our flight, we got all the kids there, you know, everyone's iPad is charged, I got the luggage checked, and now I gotta sit there, like some sort of carny, and argue with these people on the plane, like, hey, could I sit with my son, and then maybe you could sit over here, and here's 20 bucks, and...
	God, it's like New York City in the 1850s.
	I got to build a butcher trying to get him in the know-nothings to go to the five points so I can sit with my son.
	And they say it's because we have to balance the plane.
	Oh, my five-year-old son is going to send us careening off to the left.
	Who put that kid on the right-hand side of the plane?
	So, I don't do it with my family.
	My wife, to be totally and utterly fair...
	This handicapped person, uh, I've been doing for a long time and he's in my book.
	We called him Timmy.
	And sometimes I would just over the past few decades, I'm embarrassed to admit, I would, uh, act like I was handicapped and, uh, wreck stuff, steal a Mexican's leaf blower, um, get into someone's car, knock over a table.
	And then the people with me would go, Timmy!
	And they would profusely apologize to whoever I destroyed, whatever their stuff was, whatever little display I knocked over.
	And he would go, and they'd always say, it's okay.
	It's okay.
	Don't worry about it.
	Don't worry about it.
	Cause they looked like they were going to hit me or something.
	Again, I am not advocating this.
	This is completely wrong.
	Nine out of 10 on the wrong scale.
	Maybe 10.
	Really sick.
	I was giving handicapped people a bad reputation too.
	But I remember one time I was getting on the plane.
	It always worked, incidentally.
	Always worked.
	And this is like, this is having a strict parent, being an immigrant.
	You know, I came to Canada when I was five with a posh British accent.
	I had that beaten out of me.
	Moved to Quebec.
	Where English people are second-class citizens.
	It's language apartheid over there, and you can't really get in.
	Everyone hates you when you're English in Quebec, and you can't get a job if you don't speak perfect French, so... And they make your children go to French schools.
	So, they control your child's mind.
	Steven Crowder is also from Montreal, and we were talking about this, how, you know, they make your kids go to French school, so your kids are counting in French, like, dix, vingt, trente, quarante, cinquante, soixante.
	The kids, now you're in your kid's head.
	They controlled your children's thoughts.
	And if you have a sign that says Joe's Shoes instead of Chaussure de Joe, someone takes a picture of your store and you get a fine.
	They have language police walking around with Polaroid cameras.
	That's a certain kind of guy.
	They're always fat, often virgins.
	It's the same guys who work for Antifa and dox people.
	It's these bitter virgins that just want revenge on the world.
	Horrible people.
	Language police, obviously.
	Anyway, I think that shaped me into kind of a hustler, and it's probably why I did well in New York, because I was good at lying.
	Like, there was this trick we would do at South by Southwest in Austin.
	If we couldn't get into the venue, I could always get in, and what I'd do is I'd go around the back, and I'd find a patch cord, Or something, any piece of equipment, even a box.
	And then I would bang on the back door.
	They'd open and go, good.
	Why is that thing always closing here?
	We're trying to get set up.
	And the bouncer goes, it closes automatically.
	And I go, for fuck sakes, you have to do an accent, right?
	Cause you're not from Texas.
	And they would always let me in and I would walk in with the patch cord or the box or the large thing, and then plop that down by the stage and go enjoy the show.
	Handy trick you can do.
	Also, I've never done this one, but I've heard a good trick is to buy a DJ case, like the thing that holds all the records.
	Don't put anything in it, and just sort of wheel that up to the front of the club, and you can get into any club as the DJ.
	Anyway, we were getting on the plane once, and I was enjoying being Timmy, because my wife had outlawed him.
	She thought it would jinx our children.
	So I hadn't done him in a long time, and then we started traveling a lot to pitch TV in L.A., and all of a sudden, Timmy is back from the grave.
	And as I'm getting on the plane, I go, I'm number one!
	To the woman there.
	And she looks at me and she goes, yes you are.
	Oh my god, I just remembered another good hustle.
	Me and my buddy Sharky, he looks exactly like, who's that guy?
	Chris Isaacs.
	He looks like Chris Isaacs.
	And so we come bursting in.
	This is also going to South by Southwest.
	We come bursting into the airport.
	It was some sort of connection in Georgia or something.
	And what we would do is our flight would be like 5 a.m.
	So that's fine.
	We'll just party all night.
	Even if it was 6 or 7 a.m., we'd party all night.
	So you're hammered at the airport.
	That gives you a lot of hubris.
	So we want to go to the VIP lounge, but we're not VIPs.
	And I go in and I tell Sharkey to wait around the corner.
	And I go up to the front of the VIP and I go, Hi, look, we haven't signed up for anything.
	We had our American Express revoked.
	I can't remember the reason why we don't have ID.
	And I said, but I'm here.
	I'm Chris Isaac's manager.
	He's going to be coming here soon.
	I'd appreciate if we could, uh, if he could not have paparazzi or any, any autographs or something.
	We've been traveling all night.
	He's very tired.
	And she goes, fine, fine.
	And it was a white woman and a black woman.
	And the black woman goes, all right, but you're going to have to show ID.
	And I looked at the white woman like, can you believe this bitch?
	And the white woman looked at the black woman, and then she looked at me and she goes, uh, don't worry, we've got you.
	And then Dan shows up.
	Oops, I just gave away his real name.
	Dan shows up in a suit, and he looks exactly like Chris Isaacs.
	And then she's a little starstruck, and she understands the black woman doesn't know who Chris Isaacs is.
	And boom!
	We go coasting in to the VIP lounge.
	It's 7am, of course, so the bartender isn't there, so we have to grab Dirty glasses and reach behind and tip the taps to get beer.
	Anyway, so I got on the plane, this is back to Timmy days, and sat there.
	And the problem with using retardation to get your seat is you can't stop.
	It's not like you can sit down and go, all right, here we are.
	Because the woman at the gate is the same, she's the stewardess now.
	She's on the plane.
	So I have to still, with my sort of lobbed Tyrannosaurus Rex hands, still be sort of bobbing back and forth in the chair.
	Waiting until our seatbelt sign goes off.
	Then I think you can stop being handicapped.
	And I did this many times and always sat with my friend, always had a good time.
	But one time, someone was getting on, and it was a woman, she was probably 55, and she was with a 25-year-old man who had my same ailment.
	He also swayed back and forth and had T-Rex arms and didn't really get volume.
	Hey!
	Wolverine!
	And, uh, I was swaying in my chair and Sebastian there, I just gave him away.
	He looked at the woman.
	And he didn't really approve of this, by the way.
	He wasn't a fan.
	He doesn't like stuff like that.
	But he met eyes with her.
	And I think she was thinking, why don't I sit with that handsome blonde guy who looks like Noah Syndergaard, and I'll seat my handicapped son with this handicapped guy?
	Because it's rare that this ailment is, you know, sometimes they're too retarded, sometimes they're not retarded enough.
	These guys are just right.
	And they can sit next to each other on the plane and talk about Wolverine the whole time.
	And I'll tell you what.
	I don't do the crime if I can't do the time.
	So I promise you, I was prepared to sit with that guy for the six-hour flight and be just talking about Wolverine.
	He has a daughter, you know, named Lara Logan.
	She was on 60 Minutes, too.
	And she has her own spikes that come out of her hand.
	He's Canadian.
	He was born in Vancouver.
	He's short.
	But he can beat up a lot of people.
	Not Superman.
	He can beat up a lot of people.
	And then I thought, what if I'm sitting with him, and over the course of the six hour flight to LA, I start getting more and more woke.
	And then I, you know, my hands slowly, over hours and hours and hours, straighten out.
	And my voice goes from Wolverine to, you know, I mean, it is a comic book at the end of the day.
	And then to, he's a fictional character.
	I mean, this is someone that was written for children.
	It's the same as Aesop's fables.
	You know, you'll be hearing folklore for time immemorial.
	Is that how you say it?
	Excuse me.
	I'm like, wow, you all of a sudden are getting smarter.
	And I go, yeah, you just have to try.
	You're not trying hard enough.
	You know, you're letting yourself be retarded.
	I just cured it in this one flight.
	Look at me now.
	My arms are straight.
	I'm speaking in a normal tone and I no longer think Wolverine is real.
	What's the matter with you?
	That would have been cruel.
	But he didn't end up sitting next to me.
	And off we went.
	Whoosh!
	In a flying building, soaring through the clouds of immorality.
	Here's another scam I did.
	It was, um... It was, uh...
	Back in Montreal days and I heard there was a cure for Hep C. Now, everyone I knew, not everyone, plenty of people I knew had Hep C from, because I was in junky Montreal and people would share needles.
	And Hep C is a horrible disease that rots your blood and it destroys your liver because your poor liver is busting its ass trying to clean this shitty blood.
	So you're gonna get liver cancer or something eventually.
	You're gonna die.
	It's a death sentence.
	Since this story happened, by the way, they found a cure, which, you know, the news doesn't focus on accomplishments enough.
	Maybe it's because it's often white guys, but Norman Borlaug saved a billion lives with his genetically modified corn.
	We should have a day off for him.
	Not Che Guevara, not Zapatista, not even Malcolm X, or even, I guess Martin Luther King deserves a day, but why doesn't Norman Borlaug, a billion lives?
	And when we cured Hep C, that should have been across... No one should have talked about anything but.
	We're talking about Stormy Daniels.
	And, um, the fact that, uh, did he use a condom or not?
	We're staring at Stormy Daniels' tits, and it's Anderson Cooper, so we're watching two people who have both had, like, five dicks in their face at once.
	And we're calling that news.
	No.
	Curing Hep C is an unbelievable accomplishment.
	It's expensive as hell.
	It costs 80 grand, and I know people who've gone through it, and they say it's like chemo for your blood.
	It's brutal.
	Bunch of pills.
	It's a wild ride.
	But then you're cured!
	And 80 grand is real pricey, but I'd be happy to pay it.
	If I had that disease, and I don't.
	But anyway, before they had this, they discovered a vaccination.
	They probably should have known that they're on their way to a cure if they can come with a vaccine.
	I called up the Montreal Health Clinic, and I said, hello, my name's Gavin, and I understand that you have a cure for Hep C. I'd love to come in and get it.
	And they go, how old are you?
	And I believe I was like 25 at the time, maybe 24.
	And I said, I'm 24 years old.
	And they go, ah, you got to be 22.
	22 and under is who we're doing this for.
	And I thought, well, that's a death sentence.
	I should have lied.
	And then I had an epiphany.
	I hung up.
	I'm really sorry about these sinuses, by the way.
	I quit Maker's Mark for Lent, so I've only been drinking beer, and bacteria can live in my body for the first time all year.
	So whereas I used to just pickle myself and never be remotely sick, I've had a cough and sniffles all of Lent.
	I'm not sure it's better.
	I mean, it's nice remembering stuff, it's nice reading your tweets the next morning, and they're not written by a stranger, it's nice never being hungover, but it's also not nice never having a buzz, and it's not nice not being pickled.
	And being sick.
	Anyway, so I have this epiphany, and I go, uh, I'm gonna call back.
	So I wait a little while and then I call back and go, hi, you guys have like a Hep C thing or whatever?
	And they go, yes, we do.
	Oh, can I?
	I'm not sure I want to bother, but should I come by?
	Yes, you should come by right away!
	Come by the clinic.
	We're at 1400 St.
	Dominique.
	It's at the Clinic Alternative.
	It was called the clinic, the alternative clinic.
	What does that mean?
	It's for punk rockers?
	It's for people involved in the grunge community.
	Hi, we're here.
	We couldn't cure Kurt Cobain's head wound.
	But besides that, we're pretty good at alternative medicine.
	Or maybe they just use herbs?
	No, because I went there for my veneer awards and they use the good old-fashioned method of liquid nitrogen.
	Anyway.
	So I go in there.
	Hey guys!
	And I'm dressed pretty gay.
	I have, like, a white windbreaker on.
	And, uh, some khakis and some nikes.
	And, uh, my hair's kind of floofed.
	And I go, Hi!
	I'm- And there's all these people waiting.
	In the waiting room.
	They go, hi, I'm here for, I don't even know.
	It's like Hep C, like some sort of needle.
	Oh my god, I hate needles.
	I'm actually kind of freaking.
	And they go, go right ahead.
	I skip the whole line.
	And they go, I say goodbye to everyone in the waiting room.
	They whisk me in, they roll up my windbreaker, and boom, I've got my first shot.
	And I think the way it works is you got a shot, and then you got a shot a week later, and then you waited six months for the third shot.
	Something like that.
	And every time I showed up to this clinic, I would sashay in, flick back my hair, Hi boys!
	Ooh, what's your name?
	And I would go to the front of the line.
	Now where is this on the morality scale?
	Uh, I'm not really hurting anyone, and I think it's Montreal's political correctness that was putting me at the front of the line, and that's BS.
	But, gays are probably more likely to have Hep C, because I think you get it from poo.
	And they do tend to eat a lot more ass than we do.
	So, this is a tough one.
	Initially, I didn't feel any remorse about this, because I thought they're the ones coming with their stupid affirmative action.
	But if the group, the demographic, does eat more poo than us, or get more particles on their tongue, then maybe it is wrong what I did.
	I'm going to give this a five.
	Ten being the most immoral, one being like farting in church, I'm going to say five.
	So then I did the third one and I come and I go, well, I guess I'm done.
	Bye losers.
	I guess I don't have to do that gay voice anymore.
	And, uh, they made me sit down and watch a video.
	This was for the last one.
	They gave me a big pile of pamphlets about ass eating.
	I had dudes on it and then they sit me down they put a VHS tape in this is 94 and they make me watch a video on men in love who want to express their love for each other in many ways using their mouths all over their bodies and that includes the butthole obviously and I was going Yeah, this isn't a thing.
	I'm good.
	Okay.
	All right.
	You know what?
	You can stop.
	You can stop it now.
	Yeah, I don't want to watch.
	And they go, please, sir.
	It's only ten minutes.
	I'm good.
	I got it.
	I don't do that.
	So I don't.
	I never, never.
	I think I actually do do that if we're getting into the opposite sex.
	Or did do that.
	But women are cleaner somehow.
	I refuse to watch.
	I go, well, I got my three shots.
	What are you going to do?
	And I got up.
	Left.
	It was like one time I was so hungover I fainted on a plane.
	I went up to get water and I said to the stewardess, I was doing coke all night in Louisiana, New Orleans, and I don't feel... and I just collapsed in the stewardess's bay.
	And then I woke up, had some orange juice.
	Felt like a billion bucks, by the way, after the orange juice.
	I sat back down in my chair, told the old lady next to me I had diabetes.
	Because the whole plane, when I was passed out, they said, we have a man who's passed out on the plane.
	Are there any doctors on this plane?
	I didn't know about that, but she told me.
	And then the plane stopped and they said, everyone has to remain seated.
	We have a sick patient on the plane.
	We have called a doctor.
	He's going to come here and get him and then you can all get your luggage.
	So everyone is staring at me going, hey, diabetic.
	You fucked up my whole trip.
	I'm going to miss my connection flight, my connecting flight.
	So I'm sitting there going, sorry.
	And then I think, and this sort of links to the whole hustle mentality.
	I think, yeah, uh, I'm not going to do that.
	So I just get up, open the overhead cabin thing, get my luggage and they go, sir.
	Sit down!
	Sit down!
	And I just start walking out, and they go, sir!
	And the stewardess is trying to, like, touch me.
	Now, you can get the air marshal and stuff to drag someone off a plane, but how do you make someone stay on a plane?
	So it was like football.
	I just sort of deeped them out.
	They never really grabbed me, like, in a tackle hole, but they were just sort of holding onto me like weak zombies in a Billy Idol video, like, dancing with myself, you know?
	And I just sort of slooped by them all, and then just walked off the plane.
	Now everyone can get their luggage, The doctor has to go find me somehow.
	He's not gonna bother.
	That was the end of that.
	And, uh, that's how I felt with that shit video for Hep C. I just thought, yeah, I'm not doing this.
	And this goes back, we've had a, I've had a long history of hustles.
	And I remember the first hustle I ever did, I was 13, I was working at Sunny's Gas Station in Kanata, Ontario, near Bridlewood.
	And it was, the atmosphere was like that Matt Dillon movie, Over the Edge.
	And it was these cookie cutter suburbs that they'd build a hundred of the same house in a farmer's field.
	And you're rural, but you're suburban at the same time.
	And it sucked.
	It was really boring.
	And we ended up getting up to all kinds of trouble just out of sheer boredom.
	So anyway, I got a job at the gas station, which sucked because you have that gas smell your entire shift and it follows you home.
	But to fill a propane tank was $20.
	And what a lot of people would do before a big weekend or an important event is they would fill their tank even if it was 80% full.
	You know, they're not- all you have to do to feel if a propane tank is full is just move it.
	It's liquid.
	You can feel the liquid in there.
	So if it's heavy and it's going shploosh shploosh, you don't need to fill it up.
	You'll be fine.
	But these people were overachievers.
	There's a lot of Ned Flanders in my neighborhood.
	And at 80%, they want it filled up.
	They gotta be extra super sure.
	Ready to go!
	Propane is scary, by the way, too.
	It's, it's one million degrees below zero.
	If you get it on your hand, and you hit something, your hand's gonna shatter.
	I was always scared of dealing with that giant tank that was as big as a house.
	So anyway, I'd feel it, I'd screw the propane on, wearing my big gloves, and then I would go... What the hell?
	That was less than ten seconds.
	This guy is 95% full.
	So, what we would do is, we wouldn't write it down on the sheet.
	We'd take the 20 bucks and we'd write on another sheet that we carried around 5%.
	And then we'd get another guy.
	That would go for like 30 seconds.
	Oh, he was half full.
	Alright, so now we're at 55% on the personal sheet.
	We'd keep getting those until we would get to closer to 100% and then we'd put $20 in the till.
	Keeping the rest, we made a fortune!
	I'd have $200 in my pocket at the age of 13.
	That's the equivalent today of $22,000.
	It was an infinite amount of money.
	This is the age where you get in fistfights with your friends because they won't put in a dollar for the $3 of gas that you guys are using when you board your mom's car.
	So $200, that's a hundred years of gas fights.
	I'm rich!
	Now, where does that go on the morality scale?
	That's a tough one.
	Surely when they factor in the $20 per tank, they are also including the Ned Flanders who will come with 90% full tanks.
	That's why they can do $20.
	So it's not like they said, it's X amount of propane, one full tank should be $20, that'll turn out to profit.
	They factored in these assholes when they came up with $20.
	And I am factoring that out and making sure that every single propane tank is 100% empty.
	Um, I think they went bankrupt eventually, but I'm going to give that on the morality scale, I'm going to give that a three or four.
	Not so bad.
	Not great, but not bad.
	It was sort of like overpouring as a bartender.
	Remember the owner of that gas station, the manager, she told me that she used to be fat and she had a...
	What do you call it?
	Like a miracle, really.
	She was on her bed praying to lose weight, and the whole room burst into light.
	So blinding light, like something out of Poltergeist.
	And then her bed started shaking.
	It lifted off the ground.
	It started shaking.
	And that day forward, she started losing the weight.
	So God, while he's got Africa and mudslides in Mumbai and all these thunderstorms, he decides to take some time out And head over to Kanata and make a bed shake so some fat bitch can lose 40 pounds.
	She ended up firing me.
	You know how I got fired from that job?
	I had to do a double shift, 16 hours, and on the timesheet I wrote 16 FUCKING HOURS.
	That was the end of that.
	Another scam, and this is, by the way, immorality is a nine.
	There was a health food store called the Herb and Spice- Oh wait, sorry.
	Before we get to the Herb and Spice.
	I had a brilliant idea on how to rob that gas station.
	We get a guy in a ski mask and a fake gun to come by, and he's a friend of mine, right?
	And I have a Sony Hi8 camera.
	I film it.
	No.
	He films it?
	Yeah, let's say he films it, right?
	So he comes in, he's got a plastic gun, a bag, a ski mask, and a Sony Hi8 camera.
	He says to me, give me all the money.
	I empty the till, puts in the bag.
	He's filming all this, right?
	Yeah, it can't be me filming it or he would have shot me.
	So, um...
	On the cameras too, this shows up, right?
	This is before YouTube or anything, so we'd have to explain why he was filming him if he saw it in the... That would just be weird.
	Hey, I went through the tapes, the surveillance tapes, and the guy who robbed you had a camera on the whole time.
	And I could maybe say, yeah, he said that he was gonna use my image, and if I called the cops, he was gonna kill me.
	I could say that.
	So then, uh...
	He leaves, he's got the money, we split it up later.
	Alright?
	Now let's go through the possibilities of how that can be bad.
	What if someone sees it, right, happening and calls the cops and the cops show up?
	Well, what happens then is me and the thief say, no, no, no.
	Sorry, officer.
	Sorry.
	We're shooting a movie.
	We're doing a crime movie.
	And I was just about to put the money back in the till this.
	I'm not really being robbed.
	And you know, the cop would say, well, don't ever do stuff like that.
	And that's wrong.
	You jerks.
	And that would be in that.
	No one would go to jail.
	So when he got home, the guy, he would smash the tape and throw the camera away, whatever, or hide it.
	Um, But up until we knew we were scot-free, we would always have the option of saying we were shooting a movie.
	Wouldn't that be a great hustle?
	My dad says that when he gets drunk.
	He goes, I would have been a great thief.
	Identity theft.
	That's the way it goes.
	There's no victims there.
	It's only the corporations, the insurance.
	They're not going to bother.
	That's how you do it.
	A whole ring of insurance fraud.
	I mean, identity theft.
	But I read somewhere that thieves make something like 45 grand a year.
	So stupid little hustles like that.
	They're less than working at McDonald's.
	So we worked at a health food store called the Herb and Spice.
	We called it the Herb and Heist.
	We were all punkers.
	And there was this commie This is a weird thing.
	Skinhead communists, they're not racist at all, quite the contrary.
	They're called redskins.
	And there was this guy, Andy, who was a redskin, and he was really into being working class.
	He had a hammer and sickle tattoo, and he had his suspenders, and he listened to ska music.
	He loved the workers party so much that he worked his ass off.
	When he'd be out there misting the vegetables and making sure all the stock- the store looked amazing.
	The rest of us would just, as we say in Canada, fuck the dog.
	And that means not work.
	What'd you do today?
	I just stayed at home fucking the dog all day.
	I'm sure Americans hear that and go, oh, so you practice bestiality?
	Ew, not literally, eh?
	So, I would sit in the freezer, bundled up, and I would make, I had a little ice cream parlor back there, and I would make you banana splits, I would come up with new things, what about jam on top of whipped cream on top of this banana ice cream?
	And then people would come in for a break and they'd go, this is amazing, what do you call this?
	It's called a Sunberry Surprise.
	And so I had my ice cream parlor in the back, and then we lived in a house of punks, like nine guys.
	And we were all, most of us were vegetarians, because that's what you did back then.
	And that food's expensive.
	Tofurkey and not dogs and all that stuff, right?
	That stuff adds up.
	Meanwhile, it's all soy.
	You know, one of the reasons I quit being a vegetarian, besides a brilliant article by Michael Palin, no, Michael Palin, Michael Pollan, is that his name?
	He did The Botany of Desire.
	He wrote an article called An Animal's Place that argued that just as many animals die for your soy in the wheat harvesters and the, you know, the pesticides in the fields, the birds.
	That die when you have a normal small-town organic farm.
	Not mass production of meat, but small-town production of meat is actually more ethical.
	So I stopped being a vegetarian after 15 years when I read that article.
	But anyway.
	Another reason I quit too is because I'm having these not dogs on stuff and I realized this is all soy with hot dog flavoring.
	This is fucking dog food.
	Like when dogs get a... It's BLT flavored chunks!
	It's a BLT chemical on top of soy.
	With some protein powder.
	So I'm eating dog food my whole- for 15 years I've been eating dog food.
	Piss me off.
	Anyway, the way we would throw out the garbage is there were boxes and they would be in the back room and you'd have like some rotten lettuce or a dead tomato and you'd throw that in the box and then you take the boxes to the dumpster.
	It was easier than dealing with a bag obviously, right?
	And plus you obviously had almost infinite boxes coming in because that's how the produce arrived.
	So it was a good little system.
	So what I would do is I would go shopping for myself and fill the shopping cart up with all the expensive stuff.
	All kinds of stuff too, like there was this soy, I don't know, like this weird paste that was made in Japan that took about a thousand years to make and was just jam-packed with nutrition.
	You'd make a soup with it, you know what I mean?
	It's like a thick brown paste.
	And it was soup, it was like 40 bucks or something.
	I'd throw that in the garbage box, and I would layer maybe two or even three boxes with awesome expensive groceries, including tofu ice cream and shit.
	And then I would put garbage on top of those three boxes.
	So at the end of my shift, we would close the shop and we would go out to the dumpster, throw all the crap in the dumpster, and then load up Steve's car with all these awesome groceries.
	And our fridge looked like Chelsea Handler's fridge.
	It looked like Jennifer Aniston's fridge.
	It was amazing.
	Just chalk a block.
	Freezer stuffed.
	With fancy vegetarian food.
	We ate like kings, for the better part of two years.
	Anyway, I think, and this often happens, the next generation comes in, and they don't have the chops.
	And they started doing it too, and they got caught, and they all got fired, and word got out.
	And the owner thought, so these young kids got it from the previous generation.
	I know who it was.
	It was that idiotic communist who was pretending to work his ass off and was clearly doing it out of guilt.
	It wasn't Gavin who would just make ice cream sundaes in the freezer.
	Andy told me that every time the owner saw him on the street, he would point at him.
	I think he even stopped him on the street once and he said, if I ever get evidence on you, I am going to send you up the creek.
	I'm going to send you to prison for so long.
	I'm going to have them throw the book at you, you son of a bitch.
	And he's like, what are you talking about?
	I busted my ass there.
	And every time he saw me, he'd go, Gavin, I got to say, great to see you.
	Anytime you want to come back to the Herb and Spice, anytime, I'm there for you.
	Thanks, buddy.
	I don't need free groceries anymore, but I appreciate it.
	I appreciate the offer.
	That's pretty bad on the immorality scale, right?
	Yeah, that guy's trying to run a business.
	He's not ripping anyone off.
	You don't have to go to his store.
	I'm gonna say that's up there with Timmy the retard.
	I'm gonna give that a 9.
	What do you say? 9?
	Oh, here's another good one we used to do.
	Cargo Records was a record distributor in Montreal, and I used to do this.
	I used to do two jobs for them.
	I used to pack their record boxes and ship them out to the various stores.
	Then I also used to drive to America, which is only an hour from Montreal, fill up my van with records like Anal Cunt was one band that we had to bring over the border, And argue with the customs guys, because it was cheaper to ship to America.
	So they'd ship all their different manufacturers would meet in this one upstate New York spot.
	I'd pick it up and then drive that one giant van through the border.
	It's a pretty adult job.
	And I remember having the entrepreneurial spirit even back then.
	I would have been like 21 and saying, why don't I buy the van and I'll be my own individual company that ships and then you just pay me as an LLC.
	I think being an entrepreneur is in your blood genetically.
	But uh, I remember one time I was at Customs and he's got a Butthole Surfers CD and he goes, is this like surfers who are buttholes?
	Like jerks?
	Is this saying the surfer idiots?
	Or is this surfers who surf on actual buttholes?
	I go, I don't know.
	And he says, well, no, that doesn't work, sir.
	You're the one bringing these CDs here.
	They're your responsibility.
	So I had to stop and think about it.
	And I go, I think he means the jerks.
	I don't think anyone would, even if you were like a millimeter tall, there's no waves, there's no action.
	So you'd never surf on a butthole.
	You just say like the butthole cops are cops that are jerks.
	I didn't use that analogy because he's basically a cop.
	And then I'd drive through.
	But with the other job, you do the inventory, so this, they want an Anal Cunt CD, a Butthole Surfer CD, a Gene D. Allen CD, you put it in the box, and then I'd fill my same van, and then I'd drive to the post office, and ship them all out.
	Or the, whatever it was, the delivery place.
	I can't remember if it was UPS or... So, what I would do is, and on the immorality scale, this is up there too.
	Eight.
	Uh, I'd make sure the label was not down the seam of the box.
	And I'll explain why in a second.
	So put the label off to the side.
	Fill the box with like the 25 CDs they wanted.
	Then I would have 30 CDs that I want.
	And then I would put newspaper in there, seal it up.
	Then me, again, this was Steve, me and Steve would get in the van, we drive to the UPS, whatever it was, and then slit open the box, not cutting the label, remember, because it's off to the side, take out the 30 we had put aside, fill the hole with newspaper, seal it back up, send it off.
	Now, the only flaw with this plan is the people at the record store in Calgary, They open it up, they've got their 30 CDs in a giant box.
	Why is this box so big for so few CDs?
	But I don't think that triggered any alarms.
	I get that from Amazon all the time.
	I'll get some tiny thing in a huge massive box.
	I don't know why they do that, but we ended up getting fired.
	I don't know if they ever figured it out, but my buddy started crying in the office when he got fired and Beg them to let him stay there because he said, I'm English.
	There's no jobs here in Quebec.
	And then he said, I'll work for free, please.
	I need this.
	This job's my entire identity.
	That's sort of the moral of this show is there's two types of people in the world.
	In politics, I say there's those who want to be left alone, and then there's those who won't leave those people the fuck alone.
	But in life, there's hustlers that want to get the job done, and yes, sometimes they do immoral things.
	I'm not advocating for any of these crimes, but...
	I am saying, don't sit there and cry.
	Don't sit there and say, please I need this job, I'll work for free.
	Hustle!
	Come up with a scam.
	Because when you're an entrepreneur, you've got to do tricks like that.
	You want to stay moral, you want to be legal, but there's times when you have to, like with Vice.
	We said we printed 40,000 back in newsprint days.
	We had to say that because everyone else was lying.
	The Montreal Mirror, the Hour, they all lied and said 40,000.
	In fact, it got to the point when they got bigger that they would, they, when they started getting monitors, they couldn't say that lie anymore.
	They would print 100,000.
	And then a recycling truck would take $50,000 to the recycling plant from the place where they made them and immediately start recycling them.
	So that's the level of dishonesty in the business world, and that's how they survived.
	If they were honest and said, we only print $50,000, well, they'd say, well, the competition prints $100,000, so we're going with them.
	So you had to lie.
	That's part of the nature.
	This isn't a very moral episode, I'm realizing right now, but I guess I'm saying, Part of being a survivor is being a hustler and not trusting people and not, you know, when they say, no, we can't do it, just not accepting that.
	No, I'm not following your rules.
	I don't, I don't take it for granted that you're right and I'm wrong.
	Uh, I'm realizing I'm going to be late for the game here.
	We got opening day with the Mets and, and I think St.
	Louis, they're going to destroy us.
	Uh, And so you have to have a level of dishonesty.
	Like Charles Murray doesn't like Donald Trump because he said he's not a handshake guy and he would refuse to pay contractors.
	And I thought of this after I was arguing with Charles Murray about this.
	I realized like a few hours later.
	In New York, when you're dealing with a bidder in Manhattan, everyone's hustling, everyone's lying, everyone's cheating, everyone's playing dirty pool.
	So, the contract is for $10, then you get a bill from the contractor and it says $15, and then you have to hammer him down and chisel away and talk about small claims court to get back down to say, 1150.
	You're still paying more than you originally agreed on, but you've hammered this guy down to what was a balloon.
	Like, look at the, the, the, what it's called, the Freedom Tower.
	What was that, like, 10 billion dollars over budget?
	That's the world we're living in.
	Everyone is hustling.
	Everyone is doing scams.
	So, sometimes you gotta break the rules.
	Sometimes you gotta hustle.
	Sometimes you have to cheat.
	And as Krass said, The anarcho-punk band that shaped my life.
	If you choose to stray from the path that you've been taught, don't expect help and don't get caught.

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